Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

1994. Welcome to Staten Island,

a great year and a great place to grow up.

That's Stacey, my hula girl.

Oh, oh, that's me in high school.

Man, look at that hair.

I look just like Chandler Bing, right?

Just go with it.

Rooty-toot-toot!

- Hey, Q. - Hey!

Hey, how's your sister doing?

Wouldn't you like to know?

I would. I really would.

Dad.

Can I have permission to go

to the Paula Abdul concert, please?

- Go, Sal, go. - I know the rules, Dad.

I will check in, I will beep you, I'll call.

Okay, rule number one, we love each other.

Rule number two, see rule number one.

Please get out of the house and go.

Okay. People smoke marijuana.

Do the weed. Take a shot.

Just get out of the house. Please, go.

Just go!

Oh, hey, Q! I'll be right there.

Hey, fellas.

'Sup? My best friend, Sal.

And there's Q too. Hey, guys.

Oh-ho-ho!

Boys!

- I have a question. - Yeah?

Are you forever my girl?

Straight up. Now, tell me.

- Whoo! - Yeah!

- That's right, watch it. - Oh, come on, Joe.

- Come on. - Comin' in hot.

All right, watch that... watch that leather back there.

You're the worst.

Hey, Abdul.

Too bad we don't have tickets.

Tickets? Tickets are for losers, dude.

I got a plan.

- Who gets the small? - Hey!

- Really? - Yeah, why not?

Hmm. Well, who's ready to party tonight?

What are you doing?

- I'm being hype man. - He hyped you right there.

Joey's a great hype man, and I know hype men.

Yeah, throughout history, there's been many a hype man.

- Who? - Thomas Edison had one.

- Gandhi. - Caesar.

Okay, all right, Caesar had a hype man.

You guys should look it up.

Who was Caesar's hype man, then?

Jeff.

I'm done.

I'm done with this. I'm done...

- Can we go? - Yeah.

- 'Scuse! - On the left.

- Excuse you. Excuse me. - Up on the right.

- You. Excuse you. Security. - On the left.

- Move. - Move.

- Security. - Just watch it.

Idiot.

Hey, uh, who are you guys?

Uh, high-level security.

I'll allow it.

What do we do now? What do we do now?

Whatever the hell we want.

Move! Watch it. Coming through.

The arena is ours.

Wait, who is this? Where's Larry?

Hit it!

Green room, fellas.

Everything is free.

How great is this?

Oh.

Hey, say hello to my dad.

Hey, Daddy.

No, it's my dad. I don't call him Daddy.

Oh. I'm sorry.

You're security?

Yeah, just... Please.

Look at that zoom. I can see your pores.

Yuck.

- What are you doing? - Oh, me? Hypin'.

- Hypin' what? - Eh, you know, the crudités.

You're over here by yourself shaking your head.

I know, I'm just excited for crudités, what?

I was taping you from across the room.

You look like a doo-wop dad.

Hold on one second.

Yo, Bubba Gump,

Want to leave some shrimp for the rest of us?

Oh, my...

- Oh, my God, sick reference! - Classic.

I just saw Forrest Gump this week.

Guys, Paula Abdul, 12:00.

Check out the banana patrol.

Was she just checking me out?

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah. Right at you.

- She was. - Oh, you see that, right?

You should probably get her number.

No.

Yeah, it'd be a shame if you didn't.

You think she's into me like that?

- Yeah. - You're right.

I'm doin' it.

I'm doin' it.

- Down in flames. - Roll tape.

Such a doofus. Look at him.

You want my number?

- No. - Guys, guys.

No, guys, it looks like he's getting her number, I swear.

I think he... I think he got her number.

Good call, fellas. She was into me.

But she didn't finish the phone number in time.

She started to give you her real number?

This is a victory for us.

- Great shit. - I gotta be honest.

I was breaking your shoes.

I didn't think you'd get her number.

You just rose to that challenge, okay?

We told you to do something, you did it.

Okay, you didn't refuse. You didn't lose.

The ball bag on this guy.

You ever seen a ball bag like this?

I've never seen a ball bag like that, no.

I've seen his ball bag.

It's 10 pounds of ball bag in a 5-pound sack.

This whole time, there's been two footprints in the sand.

It's when your ball bag's been carrying us.

You don't just talk the talk, you walk the walk. Okay?

Who knows where great ideas come from?

A mixture of genius and stupidity?

A ball bag speech from Sal?

I know it rarely happens,

but that night, scholars and historians agree

the Impractical Jokers were born.

This is unbelievable, guys.

Holy sh...

The crowd.

Oh, my God!

You know I am.

Backstage, baby!

That was the hottest thing I've ever seen!

Where's Joe?

- Oh, my God! - Yeah! Yeah!

Get off my stage.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Go, Joey, go!

Yeah! We're gonna live forever!

I know!

Pregnant ladies, I can't hear y'all.

Pregnant ladies, make noise.

Helicopter.

When I say ball, you say bag.

Ball!

He's hyped up on the ball bag.

Get him off the stage.

Hype it up.

We judged too soon. He sucks.

White people!

Blacks!

Where the Vietnamese at?

- Yeah, there's one! - Where's my security?

This is mayhem.

Ah! Son of a...

- All right! - They throwin' garbage?

Staten Island garbage.

- Guys! Guys! - Look out, Joe!

Breach! Breach! Breach!

Ah, these punks are storming the stage.

I'm getting the hell out of here.

No, no, no, no!

Oh!

I got clotheslined by Abdul.

Oh, Sal!

My beautiful boy.

She crushed my windpipe!

You're okay. Go, go!

- Joey! - Go.

You guys are dead.

Dead.

One day, I'm gonna find you, and I will destroy you!

Can't believe we ruined the Abdul concert.

- Hi, Gina. - Go, go, go.

We've lost the arena! We've lost the arena!

Everything's fine. Everything's fine.

Abdul assaulted me! She's about 4'4", 40 pounds.

Ah! Why are you doing this to me?

Come on! Abdul's got some mouth on her.

- Are we rolling? - Okay, here we go.

Once we clear this camera, Sal, we're ready to go.

It's only... Our close-up keeps getting blocked.

Cameras. Cameras.

We have to make sure camera D stays that way.

Hold on, I got two... I got three... In the ear,

I had multiple people at one time.

Now he's clear.

- So, Sal's just gonna be a horrible mall Santa. - That's right.

There's nothing more American than a mall Santa.

- That's right. - Right? It's just classic.

- Yeah. - Well, in the winter.

I will say this, Sal, you have accepted the fact

that we dressed you as a mall Santa

in the middle of summer without complaint.

It's about 100 degrees out.

Oh, I'm gonna... I'm gonna pass out.

Well, you're about to ruin Christmas

for a bunch of kids, Sal.

Okay, Sal, when this kid approaches, this is easy,

just yell, "No! No!"

No! No!

No.

So what do you want, Aiden?

Do you want a big toy or a little toy?

What would you like? I'll get it for you right now.

Lightning McQueen.

- Sal, fall asleep. - Fall asleep, Sal.

Fall asleep, fall asleep.

Santa?

Sal's sleeping. Look at him.

Look at the kid.

- Sal fell asleep. - The shot's insane, Sal.

Sal, stay there.

Head's... Head nod down there more.

There you go.

Big snores. Big...

Ooh!

- Start bouncing him. - Oh.

- "When'd you get here?" - Higher, buddy, higher.

Yeah!

Oh, taking his leg off! He's taking his leg off!

He's so happy.

Look at the...

High five!

Aww.

This fake snow can't be helping.

Hello, darling. How are you?

Come sit on Santa's lap.

- And what is your name? - Casey.

Casey, I want you to take a minute

and think about what you might want for Christmas this year.

Just think about it in your head.

- Okay? - Uh...

"Don't talk to me till I tell you."

Now, don't talk until I tell you, Casey.

- Mmm-hmm. - Okay.

"Now, why aren't you saying anything to Santa?"

I don't have all day, Casey. Do you know what you want?

- Yes. - Okay.

Don't speak until I tell you, now.

She's so cute.

Whenever you're ready, just tell me what you want.

Keep flip-flopping.

But don't talk until I tell you.

Okay? So whenever you're ready, you tell me what you want.

But please don't speak until I tell you.

- Whenever you're ready. - Okay.

Just don't speak until I say.

Nice to meet you...

So, Sal, how was that? You're doing...

You're being a very good horrible Santa.

Guys, this... It's torture for us all.

It's a torture for me, it's a torture for you,

it's a torture for the children.

- I'm having a blast back here. - Yeah.

I'm giggling with my friends. It feels pretty good back here.

There's no less than 40 strands of hair in my mouth.

Oh, it's getting worse, Sal.

Oh!

Jingle, jingle.

- Oh. - I've had enough.

I'm pulling the plug on this whole thing.

Let's get out of here.

- That's a cut. - Nice work.

Where's the Cheddar Bay Biscuits?

I ordered a whole another basket, like, ten minutes ago.

- You already had six. - So what?

- You're cut off. - You can't be cut off.

It's unlimited, it's the whole point of Red Lobster.

Guys. Guys.

- Is that Abdul? - Kareem?

No. Can't be.

- That's Abdul. That's her. - That's her.

- Oh, my God. - It is Abdul.

I know Abdul when I see it. It's her! I'm scared right now.

My windpipe is still sore from when she hit me.

Yeah, she straight jacked you.

She's gonna remember that night.

Oh, she's coming over here, so it's curtains for us,

essentially, it's what it is.

- I gotta get out of here. - No, no! Sit...

Sit down.

This is our Red Lobster.

I've been training for this for 20 years.

Nobody touches you again. Not on my watch.

- Okay, thank you. - No, yeah.

- Just sit down. - She's coming right over here.

- Act casual. - She's looking right at us.

- Act casual. - She's looking...

Smile. Act natural.

Smile. Smile.

All right.

Fifteen feet.

Ten feet.

Five feet.

Abdul.

You're the Impractical Jokers.

- Yeah. - For real?

- Yeah. - Holy shit.

- Okay. - I love you guys.

Oh, no joke, man. I've watched every season.

Well, except for season five.

Yeah, I don't want to get into it.

All right, well, thank you.

By any chance, you guys gonna be in Miami next week?

- Yeah. - I'm having this huge party.

You guys can come. You can hang one night.

You can hang the weekend. Go hang out.

- Oh, my God. - What?

You kidding me?

Yeah, we'll be there. We were gonna go...

- We were going anyway. - Yeah! Yeah!

Yes!

Sam? Hook 'em up.

- Season five was atrocious. - Mmm.

So I'll see you in Miami?

Yes! Yeah, I'll see you there.

This is crazy.

Yeah, that's right. We are so in Miami.

- We'll see you there. - All right.

- Miami, here we come. - All right.

We're not really going to Miami, are we?

- Of course we're going to Miami. - No.

That night was a disaster. Okay?

We have a chance here for a do-over.

I don't need a do-over. I'm the victim, okay?

She punched me in the throat.

Guys, this isn't even a discussion, okay?

Abdul is here in the Lobster, she invites us to the party,

we go to the party.

We turn back the clock. We put that disaster to bed.

Oh, yeah. We're going, and this time,

we're gonna prove that we're not gonna screw it up.

That's right. With a little bit of hype.

- Mmm. - No hype.

- A little bit. - Mmm. No.

All right, the appropriate amount.

Hmm, no. Less.

Do this. That.

Oh, I'm bringing this much, and if we use it, we use it.

Oh, my God, there's only three.

There's only three laminates.

Perfect. I'm out. God's plan.

No, no, no. What are you talking about?

We'll settle this the way we do every big decision

in our life, okay?

The four of us will compete in hidden camera challenges

on the way down to Miami,

and the loser does not go to that party.

- Road trip, guys! - Let's do it.

Let's just get in the car and do it.

- Road trip, baby. - Yeah!

Guys, I have the perfect car.

- You guys are gonna love this. - Oh, thank God, yes.

Every part of my body is rejecting this plan.

Who pays the bill, by the way?

I pay the bill? I pay the bill?

Huh?

- Shotgun. - What? No!

Yeah, I saw it, and I said it.

- That's not even right. - Yeah, that's the rule.

I get carsick. I can't sit back there.

Your carsick is not my problem.

- No. - Will you guys...

Please, please, can you veto this?

I will vomit everywhere.

Veto it? Why would I veto that?

It's the rules of shotgun.

You see the car, you say, "Shotgun," you sit there.

Joe gets shotgun 'cause he respects the leather.

- Thank you, sir. - Hey, what...

Whatever gave you the impression

- I didn't respect it? - You scuffed the leather, man.

That's like punching Grandma Lucia in her face.

She killed herself in the back left seat, right?

Why don't we all get off our high horses here?

All right, it's not that great of a car.

- It's not a Corvette. - No, I know.

It's a Crown Vic. I know what this car is.

I mean, it's the vehicular equivalent of Baltic Avenue.

Baltic Avenue?

What are you, going Monopoly on me?

You're the thimble. Yeah, and do not pass go.

You go directly to the back seat, buddy.

I feel like I'm being sandbagged.

Question, should I take a quick shit here or should I...

- Would you guys just get in the car already? - Okay.

- The trip it is. - Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah! - Oh, you know what?

- Ho! - Oh!

Stacy!

Yo, baby, all right.

- Now we're ready. - Now we're ready.

- Let's do this. - Let's go!

Oh, son!

- If they have a... - I think I have one.

- What's up, bro? - Welcome.

- Grizzly Adams. - Oh, we should play Megaballs.

- Who? - Oh, you got that Megaballs?

What?

Talk to me about your collection of jazz, smooth.

I don't know, man, there's, like, two aisles.

- Which one? - Dude, I just work here.

That's why I'm asking you.

- Oh. - Ooh.

- Let me ask you guys something. - Hmm?

You guys ever wonder what Murray gets up to

- when we're not with him? - I would love to know.

We've been friends with him my whole life.

I go to sleep wondering what he does.

- Hmm. - I got ideas.

- Yeah? - Tell me.

- He traveled a lot. - Yeah.

That time he went on that tour with Yanni

in South America.

The Rainbows to Rainforest Tour, I remember that.

Yeah, but he kept using air quotes with that.

- He did that with you? - Yeah,

like, "If you need me, I'll be with Yanni

in South America."

Now, what does that mean?

Every part of that sentence is a fallacy?

"I-I'll be unavailable."

- Whoa. - What is that?

It's air quotes. We're all doing it.

- No, no, no. What's that? - Unavailable. It's air quotes.

You're not calling four people over,

you gotta flip that and reverse it.

Oh, all right, Missy Elliott.

- I wasn't sure. Got it. - Fellas?

- Yo? - Got it.

Right? For the road. For the road?

Right?

I don't need him.

DC, baby.

So today, we're stopping people

and telling them we gotta speak at a memorial.

The only thing is that we've written...

- Each other's. - Each other's eulogies.

So, at the end, we'll have to ask them,

"Do you think it's fit to say?"

And if they say no, we lose. If they say yes, we win.

It's a sad day.

This just shows you how fleeting life is, guys.

How about this old guy?

You got the right idea.

- Ooh, too many steps. - Can't handle it.

You just, you guys are in town just visiting

- for the tours, the sights? - Yeah.

Look at the urn.

I'm in town, unfortunately, for sad reasons.

- Got a, um... - Bucket of ashes right here.

- I'm giving the eulogy. - Oh.

Yeah, at a funeral.

He got a great mark. This guy's so into the idea.

We're doing the thing by the water and spreading the ashes, you know.

Oh, yeah.

., to the reflection pools.

Is that why people come to the reflection pool, though?

I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to even do that.

Can I run the eulogy by you? It takes one second.

It's only a couple sentences long.

You're very brave for doing that.

Here's the eulogy I wrote.

"Grandma."

"Grandma was...

Grandma was a straight up bitch."

"You know it, Grandpa. We all know it.

And now she's dead

and we've got her goddamn money.

Let's go to China Buffet to celebrate

this bitch's one-way ticket to hell."

Wow.

What do you think? Is it ready to go?

I don't know what other people would think about that.

We all felt this way about Grandma.

- Oh. - We all did.

Including Grandpa.

So you think I should just read this or should I change it?

I don't... I wouldn't.

- You wouldn't read it? - No.

Oh!

I'm not good with public speaking.

Forget the urn. Walk away.

All right. Well, take care, sir.

- Have a great vacation. Enjoy. - Yeah.

- Take care, now. - You bet.

What do you want with this?

Sir?

Guys, can I ask you a question?

Here we go.

It's just a few words. I'm very nervous.

Can I read it to you just to say it out loud

- and tell me if you like it? - Sure.

I'm so nervous. The family's meeting me. Yeah.

Okay, uh, "Thank you all for coming

to the spreading of the ashes of Joey Dumps."

- Joey Dumps. - Joey Dumps.

"What could be said about Joey Dumps?

He took his lumps."

"Joey Dumps was there for me.

He let me see those dumps.

Dumps-da-dumps-dumps-dumps."

"When you were down in the dumps,

who was there for you... Joey Dumps.

Dumps like a truck, truck, truck."

"Guys like a what, what, what.

So to honor his last wish, we now dump Dumps' ashes,

and then go listen to the final episode

of his baseball-themed podcast,

'Joey Dumps Humps Chump Umps in the Rumps.'"

- It's so Joey Dumps. - It's very Joey Dumps.

- Do you think it... - It's very funny.

- Should I change anything? - No.

- No? Ah. - Oh!

- It's a great memorial. - Thank you very much.

- I appreciate you guys. - Thank you. Good luck.

- Thank you. - He was a big Sisqó fan.

Wow. Ready to go.

- Good job with that, Sal. - Sal with a W.

My eulogy game, I crush.

I give a good eulogy.

You guys ready?

Yeah, the cameras aren't on, but...

How we doing? Cameras aren't ready yet?

Guys, the secret is to...

pique interest, pique the curiosity of people.

Could you just hold this up, and I'm just gonna...

Yeah, just hold that up, yeah, like that, it's perfect.

They're holding ashes.

There we go. That's great.

- Yeah, I'm here for a memorial. - Oh.

So I'm about to give a eulogy, um, about this.

So I'm just getting prepared.

You mind if I just say it out loud to you guys real quick?

- Sure. Go on. - Yeah. Hold her. Thanks.

Okay.

Sometimes he makes it look easy.

"This that eulogy. You know.

You know what it is, gang, gang.

Devin died. He got got."

"He got shot. He loved life.

He loved wife, my wife.

I shot that mother. Eleven shots in the leg."

- In the leg? - "I ain't supposed to be here,

but y'all know what? Y'all can scratch.

I came here to see him put down

- and piss on the grave." - Oh!

That's when I would take... Expose myself and start peeing.

- "Expose myself and..." - And then remember

to drink a lot of water prior, as a note to myself.

And then escape out the southeast exit...

- Escape. - Of the cemetery.

And it's a right on red.

So that's how I would do that.

- Way too extreme. - Is it too extreme?

Oh!

Yes!

I should probably just say he was a good guy.

Yeah, just probably... Yeah, yeah.

I think that's all. That's why you're MC, yeah.

So not good to go, then.

Here goes Q. He looks good. He's all cleaned up.

- Q always looks good. - Take a picture?

- Yeah, no problem. - Here you go, Q, you're in.

Got it. There you go. Thank you.

Thanks, I'm, uh, doing a eulogy, actually.

We're supposed to dump the ashes in here,

but it turns out you're not allowed to.

Do you mind if I run the speech by you?

'Cause I'm super nervous. It's super short.

"What to say about Cousin Frieda?

Sure, she had loose morals

and a libido that wouldn't quit, and that's..."

- How old are you? - 13.

13? All right, cool.

I'm good.

That's it. You're out.

It's all about how she died 'cause of STDs.

- Gettin' up. - Ready to go.

- Can you guys humor me? - Always.

Can we find a cave?

Don't ask.

- Wait, it depends, for who. - You.

This, I mean, this idea basically was a layup for us.

Just how do we make Joe's stupid face

look even more stupid?

The conceit here is Joe lost his tour

about three decades ago.

And he's been living under the earth ever since.

Middle of the summer, when it's 110 degrees outside,

this is the place to be, I'll tell you that.

When you guys see Joe for the first time,

that's the first time we're seeing Joe.

I can't wait for this.

So as we're coming through here,

kind of look along the ceiling.

We got lots of these little divots.

Here we go.

You'll notice these cracks.

That's the water movement when all this was underwater.

Hello?

- Oh. - Oh.

- Yo. - Oh, hey, man.

Oh.

- Are you all right? - Yeah. What's up?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Look at their faces. They're shocked.

Oh, my God. For real, though?

That's freakin' me out.

It's freakin' you out?

Imagine what this is like for me.

You all right, dude?

No, I've been to too many movies.

Oh, he's gross.

I got lost a little while ago.

Hey.

I didn't think he was... I didn't think

he was gonna come out of this cave.

I was waiting for my parents.

I've been down here since 1987.

Dad said, "Don't have a cow, man.

Talk to the hand."

And I was here...

I got all turned around.

What happened was I was looking for the gift shop...

It's on down the left.

I went on my ass to the left here...

I like your shirt.

I'm the beef.

Joe, be proud of your "I'm the Beef" shirt.

- Back of... - I'm the beef.

I'm the beef.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

- I'll just fold in. - Oh, okay.

Well, the water...

Again, the water that moves through it,

that just opens up the cave.

So this water, usually, with the rain,

will come up over that way.

Y'all have any questions?

I have... I have a lot of questions.

Uh, yeah. Go ahead.

Let's start with what year is it?

- It's 2018, sir. - Okay.

Let me check my pager.

Joe, have them fall in line and walk in front of them

- like you're a sergeant. - Why don't you...

Why don't you let me just tell everybody?

- You're pissed at everybody. - This water comes every...

Come on, Neil.

This is what happened.

You go up this ravine and it's a dead end.

- Goes up, like, 200 feet. - 350 feet, Neil.

Goes to 350 feet, okay?

I mean, if you're gonna talk out your ass,

turn around so I can understand you.

Anybody know who shot J.R.?

Do you guys know who shot J.R.?

'Cause I missed... J.R. from Dallas.

I missed that.

It's been on my mind for so long.

- Dad? - Dad? What?

I didn't say shit.

You guys, follow me out of here.

I'm dying to get outside.

Did Mondale get a second term?

Did Mondale get a second term?

Uh, okay, we're still rolling here, guys.

You fucking son of a bitch. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It scared the shit out of me.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God!

Turn up the tension. Pedal, pedal.

- Hey, bud, what's up? - Hey.

You, uh, have a laptop charger or...

Which one? USB-C or the older ones?

Let's go, ladies! Keep it going!

Work the quads, work the glutes.

Anyways, what can I do for you, bud?

- "Let's go, ladies"? - Let's go, yeah.

Who are these ladies?

Do me a favor, keep 'em encouraged while I'm gone.

Let's go!

You are doggin' it! I want to see more out of you!

You over there, you're looking good.

- Let's go! - Sorry, that's too much.

- That's too much. - Yeah, I'm so sorry.

I don't have the USB-C, I have the older laptop,

so I don't got it, bud.

Good?

- Did you... - I haven't got it, okay?

Come on, ladies! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Q is on a boat with a couple of strangers,

and we've arranged for this boat to pull up

on someone in distress.

Q doesn't know who, how, or what the situation is.

In that moment, the captain's gonna say,

because of the law, he cannot accept

anyone else on the boat

unless it's unanimously agreed upon.

The catch is that we're gonna give him the reason

why this guy can't get on the boat.

You see that?

Guy over there flagging us down.

- A guy? - Uh-oh, Q. Uh-oh, Q.

Somebody's in the water.

You see who that is, Q?

Is that a U.S. soldier?

- A hero? - An American hero.

It's G.I. Float.

I'm a U.S. soldier in distress.

Can you please help?

We have to make sure that everyone's okay

with bringing him on.

Are you guys all right with that?

Yeah, that's all right.

You're okay with bringing him on?

If he's in distress, then we want to help.

You okay to bring him on?

Well, hear me out.

I mean, we help a solider in a dinghy,

what's that gonna do for his confidence?

If we...

If we were to help a soldier in a dinghy,

what's that do for his confidence?

We have backed him into a corner like no other.

- Where's he from? - Where did you serve?

- Iraq. - Oh, so he survived Iraq.

He's okay.

I thank you for your service.

I'm just saying, we don't really know anything about the guy.

They sell that outfit at any Army-Navy store.

You know?

How is this even an issue?

I know this looks like I don't want

to save a U.S. soldier in distress...

- No, it doesn't. - It doesn't? Great.

- Oh! Oh, my God! - Wow.

How is he convincing people not to help a soldier?

I know, right, a unanimous vote from you guys, seriously.

Yeah, we're good.

We talked it out,

and we're okay just bailing on him.

I feel bad leaving him out there.

- Yes! - Oh.

I need an answer from each of you, then, so...

I'll go with whatever the group decides.

Let him on the boat.

- Yeah? - Oh!

- Let him on? - Yeah!

Where were you going to?

Uh, actually, I was trying to get to Miami

to see the Paula Abdul concert.

Aren't we all.

This looks like a real party crowd

you have out there, pal.

We're about to roll up on somebody.

Here we go, they're already worried.

It's a man in a boat?

Joe, why don't you go take a look at who's in distress?

Just watch Joe's face.

I'm stuck.

Can you swing around, give me a hand?

Oh, man.

Oh, I'm stuck!

I'm having trouble getting back on the boat.

What does he think?

Basically, maritime law says that if we bring him on,

everyone has to be okay with us bringing him on.

- Does it have to be unanimous? - It has to be unanimous.

- Is it all right with you? - Oh, no it...

- Is it okay with you, sir? - Yeah.

Oh, no.

I mean, hear me out.

I promised I'd never put myself

into this situation again.

I promised I'd never put myself

in this situation again.

I've been burned once.

I'm not gonna let it happen twice.

- You're saying no? - I'm saying no, yeah.

Murr, I'm having issues with my dinghy.

Guys, I'm having issues with my dinghy.

I don't know which dinghy he's talking about.

I don't know.

I mean, you gotta see it from our point of view, pal.

Joe, go on a rant. Take this thing over.

You got your buttocks out in the middle of the ocean,

bobbing up and down with a lady on the boat,

I mean, you want us to take you on...

- I mean, where are your trunks? - What?

The logic doesn't track. Where are your trunks?

Can't we just help him get on his boat?

Joey, it's you versus Murr.

- He gets on, you lose. - Dead, pal.

Yeah, the rule is we both get on this boat, I lose.

- Pretty much. - What?

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. Hold on!

What are you doing?

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joey.

What are you... What?

I'm out. Ah!

Is this for real?

He's gonna save him. He's going to save him.

- Come on! - So Murray still loses.

- That's it, he's off. - Oh, my God, Murray...

Well, he's not getting on the boat.

- Get in... - Just not...

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

How could you dare touch that ass?

- I'll see you back at land. - Are you kidding me? Joe!

Do you have beer on this boat?

Son of a...

- Wow. This is special. - Ooh.

You couldn't have booked something a little bit better?

It's 2 1/2 stars. How many stars do you need?

- All of them. - One of the reviews,

Danny D. says, "Found two crack pipes, lolz."

With a Z. Still gave it four stars.

- All right. - With a Z?

- It's got cable. - That's hip.

You guys did not think we weren't gonna

mess with Sal on this trip, did you?

Yeah, that's right, we stopped at this roadside motel

because they allow pets.

You're about to see a grown man cry.

I was saying, like, pull up to him, so it could be fun.

Just... You're just going to see what he's doing.

- Right. Hoodie's on? - Get in.

What?

All right. Can I...

Just open the door, buddy.

- There's no handle. - No handle?

This isn't the nicest motel.

This wasn't right for today.

Sal, everybody knows you're afraid of cats.

Oh, my...

That's a tiger.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I can't do this. Oh, my God.

How did you get the insurance to sign off on this?

We didn't.

Guys, I don't think it's funny. I don't want to do it.

Guys, please. Guys, please. Guys, please.

I don't think it's funny, guys.

Oh. Can't move.

Yeah, that's probably wise that you don't move.

I've seen so many movies and so many TV shows...

In one second, if this tiger wants to kill me,

the tiger's gonna kill me.

Guys, did you think this through all the way?

- Not really - Not really, no.

How can you do this to me? What do I do?

Try to get out of the room, bud.

There's a door right in front of you.

- Uh-oh. - Uh-oh.

Now he's more concerned about the lock than the tiger.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Guys, I can't make it.

Good, he's brushing his teeth. Go, go.

- He's brushing his teeth. - There he goes.

- He's up on the sink. - Get out of there.

Get out of there, quick.

Look at the poster in front of your face.

- You think that's funny? - It's the shit.

Just hang in there, pal.

Guys, I...

don't think this is funny.

- Who's there? - Just let me in, guys.

- It's not funny. - Sal, it's super easy.

You just have to say this sentence.

- Go ahead. - "Let me in.

I'm a baby bitch boy."

Let me in, I'm the baby bitch boy.

No, no, that's what Joe wanted you to say.

I want you to say,

"Murr's funnier, smarter, and better than me."

Come here, buddy. Come here, buddy.

Chaplin moustache will never come back.

- Oh, hey, bud. - Hey.

Do you know the Wi-Fi password?

Oh, the Wi-Fi?

Sure, you don't have it in your room?

No, the card's not in there, so, yeah.

I mean, just search for Morgan Suites.

The password is "password."

The password is "password"? That's not very secure.

- No. - Yeah. Oh, hey.

Oh, hey! It's the Houlihans.

One sec. Hey, Marisa, Chris. Come on.

- Please, please. - Murr!

Hey, Marisa, you look gorgeous.

- Yeah. - And Chris.

Scotch is in the back.

- Take it easy this time. - Always.

- All right, buddy. Good night. - All right, man.

You have a good night.

Grover Cleveland was a Capricorn... Yeah, man?

Are there any caps on the password?

All caps.

All caps password. Yeah, thanks.

Uh-huh. I guess I'm late.

What do you want to do?

All right, this looks nice and cool in the sun.

This is gonna be great.

All right.

Here we go.

Oh, God, I'm gonna die.

Nobody told me your name, buddy.

So how about we go with Benjamin Horse?

Yes. All right.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

This says we go up one mile and make a left,

and then we can punch the guys.

I'd like to marry a girl like you one day.

Pretty. Beautiful blue eyes.

Calm, steady demeanor.

You guys messed up, because I'm havin' a blast!

This is the best road trip ever!

Let me ask you this,

When was the last time you had an E.L. Fudge?

- One week ago. - Really?

- No exaggeration. - You're lying.

I swear to God.

Fudge Stripe gets all the shine over at Keebler.

Fudge Stripe's a better cookie.

I'm talking Keebler, I'm talking E.L. Fudge.

I'm talking Fudge Stripe, and then I move on.

I'll give you $1,000/

if any of you can tell me what E.L. stands for.

I'm blowing your mind right now.

Everybody loves?

- Shit. - You carry $1,000 with you?

- I think I see someone. - Yeah!

Oh, there he is.

Welcome to the party, pal.

Come on, Fatiator.

Once my balls shot directly up in my body

about a mile back, I started enjoying it.

- You got it. Be careful, man. - Whoa!

- Park it over there. - Okay, okay. All right.

You good?

You're forever my horse, baby.

Murr, how... This idiot.

- What? - Look at...

How does he even sleep like that?

Oh, man. He's got no idea what's coming.

Oh, I know. I've already made some calls.

I'm shaking.

All right, how are you?

Well, ladies, this is the birthday boy.

We're here to celebrate him.

So let's do this.

I hold back.

I get shy at first.

I guess it is a little.

It's his birthday, ladies.

What does this look like from your vantage?

Are you serious?

That's Murray's family behind us.

That's James' nieces and nephews.

- Happy birthday, my friend. - Oh, my God.

They're all here!

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Everybody's ready to roll.

James, they're so innocent.

Are you kidding me? You flew my whole...

That's my nieces and nephews.

It's all fake?

Happy birthday!

Huh. The Atlanta Hawks are hiring.

Players?

I feel like they shouldn't put an ad out for that.

It's unclear.

All righty. Here we go.

- Murr. - Yep.

- How you doing, buddy? - I'm good.

Here we go. Here we go, guys.

- Here we go. We're in. - How are you doing?

- Hey, I'm James Murray. Nice to meet you. - Hey, nice to meet you. Joe.

- How are you? - Good, good.

- How are you doing? - Joe, pleasure. I'm great.

- Thank you so much. - Awesome.

- Well, welcome. - Thank you.

So where are you coming in from?

Oh, I live here in Atlanta.

You answer the questions we ask you.

So where are you from originally?

Where do I see myself in five years?

Well, in five years, I see myself well on track

to maybe a managerial...

Okay, great.

So how'd you hear about this role in particular?

Oh.

Well, what do you feel your biggest strength is?

My biggest strengths are...

I would say confidence, approachability...

- Sure. - I'm easy to talk with.

Why leave your position at Georgia State?

I saw you were there until March.

- In full disclosure... - In full disclosure...

- I had a child out of wedlock. - I had a child out of wedlock.

If that disqualifies me from the job, I understand.

If that disqualifies me from the job, I understand.

- Nope. Nope. Certainly not. - Right.

I put a Polaroid camera. Just take a quick picture.

- Cool. - Right?

- You got a... - Yeah.

- Camera. Nice. - Yeah.

Get him to sign it. Get him to sign it.

- Well, um... - Can you autograph?

- Is that cool? - Sure, yeah. Yeah, bring it.

I mean, you are on the Hawks.

I mean, you are on the Hawks, so...

Yeah, well... Yeah.

I have to apologize if I seem a little off.

I have to apologize, by the way,

if I seem a little off during the interview.

Aunt Flo's in town.

Aunt...

Frick.

Looks like I'm not getting the job.

- Or the party ticket. - Yeah.

Look at this, boys.

This is big-time... You get this job,

you're gonna be big-time, buddy.

This is a big-time gig we're infiltrating.

I'm ready for the big time.

- Here she comes. - Hello, hi.

- How are you? - How are you? I'm Brian.

- Hey. Nice to meet you. - Very nice to meet you.

Here we go.

- Oh. - Here we go, Q.

You've seen the job description.

- I have. Yeah. - Correct?

- I got it right here. - Two words, under qualified.

Two words, under qualified, but willing to learn.

Willing to learn. That's great.

Can you describe your style of management?

- My style of management? - Mmm-hmm.

Sure, well, my nickname's Crab Cake,

so if that's any indication...

My nickname... All my, uh...

All my workers call me Crab Cakes,

if that's any indication.

- Yeah. - Really?

- Yeah, Crab Cakes. - Yeah.

If the guys want to call me Crab Cakes,

hey, call me Crab Cakes.

- Off topic... - Off topic...

Is that stupid mascot of yours a woodpecker?

What is that thing?

Is that... That stupid mascot you have,

is that a woodpecker, what is that thing?

- I can't even look. - Oh, my God.

- I can't even look. - It's a hawk.

I don't know what you call that bird.

Yeah? Oh, it looks like a woodpecker.

Yeah.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Will I be pissing in a cup for a drug test?

Do you know, is, um...

He doesn't want to say it.

Yeah, I really tanked this one.

There's no way I'm going to see Abdul.

There's no way I'm going to see Paula Abdul.

Explain the plot of the movie.

We're four high school friends.

So we're on a road trip for redemption

for an incident that happened back in 1990,

like, coming back to haunt us now.

And there's only three tickets to see Abdul,

and one of us can't go.

- Rate our movie. - The movie's 3 1/2 stars.

The movie's gonna be 3 1/2 stars.

This interview is bullshit.

This interview is bullshit.

Thank you.

It's total bullshit.

It's all for a movie.

Hey, buddy, everything look cozy?

Yep. What's that?

That's Chase, you met him at a Big Brother program.

Then you lost him, and now he's your guardian angel

that looks over you during all the big events,

including job interviews.

- Hey. - Oh, hey, yeah, yeah.

How are you? Very random.

- That's actually Chase. - Okay. Great.

He was my Little Brother,

in the Little Brother, Big Brother program.

Okay.

He's like my guardian angel, inspiration.

He's gonna look over the interview for me.

- Oh, I think that's great. - Thank you.

I was like, did someone leave anything?

- Oh, no, what is your name? - Brandy. Brandy.

- Brandy. - Yeah, sorry.

- Nice to meet you. - I'm Sal.

Immediately launch into why the Earth is flat.

I like talking to people

about all different types of things.

- Right. - You know, for example, like,

no denying it for me that the,

you know, I believe the Earth is flat.

So I like to talk about that.

Okay. Great.

How do you feel about the shape of the Earth?

What is your opinion on the shape of the Earth?

- Um... - There's the look.

I mean, I'm pretty literal, so I'm gonna go with round.

Yeah, most people think it's round.

- Yeah. - But they'd be wrong.

They told me to bring a recommendation,

- so I brought one. - They said to bring a rec...

A recommendation too, and I also have a recommendation.

Sal, pull out the iPad there.

Uh, so here.

It's Sal's mom, Adele.

Please hire him. He'd be a good employee.

He doesn't steal. He's a good boy.

He pays me to clean his house,

so please, please, please hire him

so he can keep paying me.

Oh, my God. That's awesome.

- You good? - Ah, hell, nah!

Instead of "Oh, hell, no," do the singing version of it.

- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.

- What are you writing? - What, what are you...

What are you writing?

- My notes. - Oh, great. Perfect.

Take notes.

Yeah, Sal, take notes on her.

Sal, just go, "Are there one T or two in 'pretty'?"

Ah, done!

- Done, boys. - Well done.

Okay, so this is my outfit.

Yeah, Joey in a breakaway basketball warmup suit.

So as soon as the person comes in,

you just get ready for game time.

- Hey, how are you? - Good. How are you?

- Big hug. - Nice to see you.

- Emily. Nice to meet you. - It's nice to meet you.

- Yeah, I'm ready to do this. - Oh, here you go.

- That's amazing. - Right?

That is awesome.

So nice to meet you. I'm Emily.

I'm the building security manager.

- Building security manager? - Yes, sir, so...

And what was your name again? I'm sorry.

Emily. Yes, sir.

I'm gonna let you get started other than that amazing intro.

- Oh, thank you. - Joe, where are you from?

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Nah, nah.

Nah, I didn't want to...

I didn't really want to get into that.

What's that? Which part.

My past. My shadowy past.

My shadowy past. I didn't really want to start...

Keep saying "off the record."

- Off the record... - Mmm-hmm.

I negotiated prices for, like, bulk supplies.

- Mmm-hmm. - I would let them in

on the, to the side.

Joe, she's writing this down. It's off the record.

Yeah, but this is all off the...

- This is all off the record. - No, no, you're fine.

I'm just talking about your extension of knowledge with...

Got it, got it.

Um, what else can I tell you off the record?

Joe, have a roving finger.

There was one time when a whole crew was in here,

and they had to actually be on the other side of the campus,

but the middle was closed, so I couldn't get them through.

We had to actually go around the whole thing.

- But off the record. - Off the record, Monica.

Off the record, we went through

the closed road, Monica.

Here comes the moving finger.

And, you know, there was a lot of teams up here,

and then we brought it down south.

You know, you connect everybody,

and they all have their own conferences and stuff,

but, uh, I have stopped...

Excuse yourself for one quick moment to go to the bathroom

and then go downstairs and play basketball.

Um, I need to use the restroom real quick.

- I'm sorry. - Yeah, sure, no worries.

- I'll be right back. - Yeah.

I'll be right back. I'm sorry.

- Yeah, okay. - Thanks.

Look at her face!

- This is gonna be amazing. - Her face is...

Almost.

Joey, uh, security really sucks around here.

- You good? - Yeah, security really sucks.

I was able just to go down there and shoot hoops.

- Yeah. - So security's an issue.

Yeah.

Security's an issue.

All right, well, do you have any further questions for me?

Tell her you'll be in touch and she did great.

And, uh, that's it. Yeah, thank you so much.

You did great. We'll be in touch.

I'll get Jakim to, uh...

Hey, appreciate it. Yeah, we'll let you know.

Possibly. Maybe we'll hire her.

Maybe we'll hire her.

I'm not sure if we'll hire her.

- A left right here? - Go.

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Disgusting loading dock. Nice, guys.

Now do you want to tell me why we're here?

We're just gonna pop into

this social media convention real quick.

- Uh-huh. - Here's your credentials.

We're having fun with you today at your expense.

Hey, bud, uh, you're, uh... You're on in ten minutes.

You're terrible at social networking, so...

Give it up one more time

for your When Brands Take a Stand panel.

So we are at the Social Shake-Up,

which is a tremendous social media conference here,

and Q is about to go up and give a presentation.

- Yeah. - We wrote the presentation.

He's never seen a single one of these slides.

There's 600 people here,

which is a little more than we usually have.

A little more?

We do have a last-minute addition to the roster.

We have a new speaker coming up.

We have been trying to do this for years.

Please welcome to the stage Peter Foaks.

Peter Foaks.

Good morning, everybody.

Very excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

My name is Peter Foaks.

They brought me here 'cause I'm...

really been doing well as a social media influencer,

so why don't we get started.

How to Become a Social Media Influencer,

or as my dad calls it, "not have a real job."

So here we go.

His world after this is gonna change.

We may not be friends after this moment.

I recently interviewed

social media influencer Franz Goldberg.

Do you guys know who that is?

Ah, you're gonna love this. Okay.

Hi, my name is Franz Goldberg,

and I'm what you would call a social media influencer.

My major platform is YouTube.

Advertisers want to...

...and I can provide them...

It's interrupting.

Did somebody call a plumber?

Yes. I need my pipes cleaned.

That's Q's parents!

That's Q's real parents.

- I can help with that. - Oh, goody.

Come this way.

Oh, yeah.

Good pipes. Oh.

Oh, yes.

...place them at the end of my video.

I like to place them inside...

I must have recorded over an old tape on that one.

Also, um...

you probably shouldn't use tapes in the modern era,

'cause of accidents like that.

You know, digital... digital...

I would say digital is the way to go.

He can't even speak.

His mind is blown.

Okay, well, look, identify the major brands

that fit with your brands.

You know, stay on brand is basically what I'm saying.

Uh, oh, no.

Oh, I hope this one doesn't get interrupted, buddy.

Well, why don't we give a listen

to what Franz Goldberg has to say about brands.

Oh.

You think they would have just brought Franz here,

but no, we got tape.

My audience likes that I'm real.

- They don't want to be fed... - It's just gonna go right...

Oh, this is funny. There... There's Dad.

Well, hello there.

May I help you?

I'm here to plant some seed.

He's a gardener. You can tell by his hat.

Let me show you where you can plant it.

Yes, come on.

That bush needs trimming.

My dad had a lot of side jobs.

- So did your mom. - So did your mom, apparently.

So did my mom, apparently.

Are there any questions?

No? No questions.

I-I didn't think so.

All right, well, I have a few questions myself.

- Thank you. - Well done, buddy.

Well done.

- Come on, come on, come on. - Bring it in.

Hey, Brian. Dad's on his way.

- How did it go? - How did it go?

- Brian. - Yeah.

I didn't know who was gonna be more embarrassed.

- You or us. - Well, I'll tell you what.

It didn't look like you guys were embarrassed.

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Quinn, I'll be by next week

to film the sequel, okay?

All right, get out of here.

Don't answer the phone when they call anymore, okay?

All right, love you, Ma. I love you, Dad.

I'll talk to you guys in a little bit.

All right, here it is.

Oh, yeah.

- There's an event going on. - What is it?

- Right now, what is it? - Okay.

- Sally, one of your closest friends is in town tonight. - Yeah.

Jaden Smith has a movie premiere.

Stop it.

All right, Sal, so now you're Jaden's number one fan,

and all you gotta do is just walk around

and let people know it.

All right, where's our boy?

I feel like an idiot.

Let me see that tattoo, buddy.

Hi, can I take a picture of your tattoo?

- Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. - Nice shorts.

- I'm just his number one fan. - Honestly, I see it.

I really see it.

Guys, now do you see what I had envisioned

so many seasons ago?

All right, Sal, you're up.

Three, two, one.

Look!

Jaden Smith, number one fan.

I'm his number one fan.

Act like his number one fan, buddy!

I'm his number one fan.

You think you're Jaden's number one fan?

- Yeah, I do. - You got this shirt?

- I wish I had the shirt. - You got the tat, though?

- Let's do, oh. - Come on.

- You know Jaden's blood type? - There you go.

- Wrong! - What is it?

- A-negative. - Yeah, right.

Yeah, it is.

Sal, I need a little bit more crazy eyes.

- Has anybody seen him? - Can I see your tattoo?

I gotta meet him. I gotta meet him.

Yo, pal, do you know when the Q&A is with Jaden?

Do you know when the Q&A is?

It's just wait and hold.

Wait and hold?

- Do you know where Jaden is? - What?

- Do you know where Jaden is? - I don't.

- I'm so sorry. - You're no help to me.

Jaden's movie has now ended, and there's a Q&A afterward.

- This is awesome. - There he is.

There's Jaden.

Before we do that, I just wanted to start off...

Um...

Hop up, Sal.

So I have a million questions,

but do we have some questions out here from the audience?

Come on, buddy. Get into it.

- Oh! Oh! - Do we have a really good one?

So we have a question right over here.

Oh, yes! Yes!

Whoo!

I'm just the number one Jaden Smith fan.

I'm just Jaden's number one fan.

Can we hug?

Why don't you just come on up here?

Can I .really? Oh, thank you guys so much!@

- Would you guys mind? - Come on up!

- Thank you, thank you. - What Sal doesn't know

is that Jaden is in cahoots with us this whole time

- Yes. - Oh, look at those shorts.

Wow, wow. Come on over.

Come on over. Wow.

Thanks for coming out.

Oh, cool. This is very cool.

Thank you so much. Ah, bam!

Wow.

Are you serious?

- That is... - Oh, my God, ah!

- Are you serious? - Ah!

Are you serious?

I got this a few years ago.

Been waiting to show it to you.

I just feel like I look a lot different.

Maybe we could get it, like, redone.

Sal, just say, "Well, I do have this other thigh."

Revamped. Something.

- There you go, Sal. - Just 'cause it's old.

It's just old.

You know, I feel like if it was newer...

I...

I do have this other thigh.

I could get an updated one...

You need anything, buddy?

- I'm good, I guess. - Not you.

Yes, I'm fine, Joe. Thank you.

That's it, I think we're done.

Yeah!

We did it! We did it!

- Oh! - Oh, I gotta see this!

Are you ready to meet yourself?

- Hold on. - Three, two, one!

Oh, my God!

Whoa!

That might be the best tattoo I've ever seen.

This is definitely better than the last one.

My guy. My guy.

Jaden, we'll see you in five years?

Oh, yeah.

Hopefully before then.

I know. It's just like Ibiza.

Hey, bud. What's up?

Is that the Molly?

It's not the Molly.

DJ, bring down the beat.

Uh, what is this shit?

What's that, bud?

Hey, hey, hey! Here we go!

Now it's a party! Later, Q.

Okay.

Yep, all right.

So that's what he does at night, okay.

Good boy.

Did you get the toys I sent?

Okay.

Oh, oh, Benjamin?

Okay, don't, don't hang up, don't hang up!

He hung up.

Well, Brian Quinn misses his cats.

Your cats. I miss my family.

You know my daughter McKayla?

She rode her bike for the first time yesterday.

- Hmm. - Wasn't there.

- Milana? - Who's that?

Your daughter.

Her name's Milana.

Sweet Jesus. How long have we been gone?

- Three days. - What are we doing?

All right, we're four grown men.

We're out here jacking around,

trying to fix a mistake we made when we were kids.

- It's stupid. - Yeah, you know what?

Maybe we didn't think this one all the way through.

I've been getting phone numbers, girls.

Local girls that want to meet me.

But if you guys want to leave and go home,

I'm ready to go now.

- Yeah, yeah, me too. - I'll go.

Yeah, I gotta get back to what's-her-face, come on.

- All right. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We're almost there.

Sal, come on. Going home, bud.

- Come on, bud. - No!

We're not going anywhere!

Sal, what are you doing?

We're gonna finish what we started.

He's gone loco.

I didn't come here all this way to turn around, to quit!

I'm not gonna go back home to Staten Island so they can say,

"You know that great guy, Sal Vulcano

and his friends that he has, they turned around.

They went all the way down to Georgia."

Not today, babies!

- Oh. - I did it.

Shut the fuck up.

It's fine, all right? We'll stay.

We'll keep going. Whatever you need, buddy.

We were just tired, got a little homesick.

Yeah. Put the board down.

Okay, great, 'cause as long as we come to an agreement,

'cause I just want to see Abdul.

- Communicate. - Thank you guys.

All you had to do is say let's keep going, we'll go.

- I get emotional. - We'll do it.

You weren't really gonna hit us with that, were you?

For me, it's unclear.

I think this car breaks down on the side of most roads,

people are gonna stop and help.

- I agree. - Yeah, I think so.

I think they will stop to help,

but the question is, how long will they stick around?

- Until, until it gets weird. - Until it gets weird.

How weird should we make it, is the real question.

- Guys, did we just make plans? - I think we did.

Pull over.

- We got some work to do. - You got it.

Park it right here. Let's do it.

- All right, here we go. - Here we go.

Sal, you broke down, unfortunately, buddy.

Your object is to get people to stop you to help you.

Otherwise you're gonna be standing down on the grass

next to a car getting bit by mosquitoes.

All right, well, the quickest way to do this

is to just make them stop, right?

I'm proud of you, buddy. You're taking some initiative.

Whoo!

She's, uh, she's dead.

Whoo.

She went down a couple miles back.

Hey, how you doing, man?

It's two guys, and I think they might want to kill me.

Here we go.

Can't do no harm, no foul. Bill.

Hey, how you doing, Bill? Sal.

Yeah, my name's Sal.

- What's your name? - Mark.

Usually when something goes wrong,

I just blast something up the tailpipe.

Usually something goes wrong, I just

blast something up the tailpipe.

Up the tailpipe?

Well, I mean, first rule of thumb, right?

You get broke down, you gotta blast something

right up the tailpipe, and I was gonna

blast something, but I don't have nothing.

That's what I thought you did.

- No, no. - No.

Guys, why isn't this fixed yet?

Yeah, Sal...

I don't know, I don't even...

I wish I knew more about the thing.

Well, what's the issue? It's, I mean...

I mean, you can't fix it already or what's going on?

We don't know what it's doing.

I mean, you know, guys, you've been here

a couple minutes already, guys.

Tick-tock, Bill.

This is really nice of you guys, 'cause, you know,

I never would've stopped for you guys.

I mean, I gotta be honest, you fellas are top-notch.

It's...

Sal, you gonna say that line or no?

Here we go, oh.

I wouldn't have stopped for you guys, so that's really nice.

There wouldn't be no use to stopping.

Yeah, right, right, right, right, right.

The only thing I could suggest if you guys were stuck,

you could blast something up your tailpipe, though.

All right, bud, head around to the trunk.

We've hidden something in there for him.

I think I got something here. Let me see.

What the hell is that?

Okay.

Yeah, there's no string...

So, Sal, in the backseat,

we put a check for good Samaritans.

This is, guys... Mark, Bill...

This is the check

for good Samaritans who stopped

and pulled over to help me.

This is a check for 5...

Take that, Mark, go ahead.

Hello.

Mark's still rocking a flip.

You took the call right in the middle of the check ceremony.

So anyway, guys, this is

from the Staten Island Credit Union,

this is a Good Samaritan check

for $5,000

for helping people in need.

- Ain't legal tender. - Try to rip it.

You don't want it? 'Cause I'll...

Yeah, yeah, don't tear that, don't tear that.

Oh.

Thank you. Bill, that's for you, man.

Murr, you're walking funny.

Yeah, no kidding I'm walking funny, Joe.

Is it because of that thong we put on you?

What thong? This thong?

There it is.

Dude, thank you.

What's your name, bud? What is it? I'm sorry.

- Dennis. - Dennis, I'm James.

I appreciate you stopping, Denise.

I appreciate you stopping...

I appreciate you stopping, Denise.

I don't know the first thing.

Come around here, I'll show you what I noticed before.

I noticed that before it was smoking primarily from

from this area here.

I ain't got time for this, man.

- I don't even know. - No?

- Murr loses again. - Son of a bitch.

Did I just lose?

Did I just lose? A thong was his weakness?

- Murr, you gotta go again. - Yeah.

What, is this like double or nothing?

Thank you so much, man. I appreciate it.

- James. Nice to meet you, bud. - Good to meet you, man.

Here's what happened, so I'm driving before.

But I don't even know what I'm looking at, bro.

Want to have a laugh?

Fake strangle me when the next car pulls by.

You want to have a little fun? Watch.

Okay, okay, okay, go.

When this guy pulls by, pretend you're strangling me, okay?

Gonna do it.

Flail your arms. Flail your arms!

- Flail, your arms. - No, keep going. Don't stop now!

Dude!

Nailed it.

Thanks, bud. That was awesome.

You know what, dude, I'm so glad that you pulled over.

I'm so glad you pulled over.

I was afraid it was gonna be a woman and then...

I was afraid... Nope, nope.

Nope, nope, nope.

Car's a real lemon right now, buddy.

There you go.

Oh, oh.

Oh, thank God.

Jump up and down you're so excited.

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, yay.

Clap, clap, clap.

Yeah, yeah.

Turn around, do it in circles, do it in circles.

I have been waiting for somebody to pull over so long.

Oh, yes!

Dude, thank you so much.

Yay. I love this car, man.

I've had this car for so long, and then I was riding,

I hit a bump, and then it just...

It just died. It won't go again.

You believe that?

The old wagon's down for the count.

It's just dead, man.

The wagon's down for the count.

Yeah.

I lost my virginity in this car.

So did my older brother.

- So did my older brother. - My younger brother.

- So did my younger brother. - My sister did.

My sis, my sister did.

It was a hell of a night.

It was a hell of a night.

It was,

it was a hell of a night.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I got in the trunk?

Yeah, show him what you have in the trunk.

Yeah, that's about a hundred pounds of cocaine,

and bags full of cash.

What we have here is about a hundred pounds of cocaine...

You're not DEA, are you?

You don't work for the fuzz, do you?

I'll tell you what, bro.

- You didn't see nothing. - Put that back in the car.

Hurry up. Here comes a bus.

This is... A bus? Oh, shit.

Do you think anybody saw me?

Do you think they saw my face?

You never saw me!

Guys, this is, this is a whole thing.

Joe, for no reason, stop traffic

and let cars go indiscriminately.

Let's stop a car.

He's gonna walk right into the road.

Okay, take it easy. I got 17 cars.

You're in.

Good.

Good, good, good.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on, stop.

There you go.

Joe, both arms, windmill, opposite directions.

There you go. There you go.

Guys, nobody will stop to help me.

What are you doing?

Okay, this guy just pulled over.

- Hi, I'm Joe. - Mitch.

Mitch, good to see you, pal. So the problem was I was...

I was driving down this road.

Keep him walking around the whole car.

And then when I saw it, I hit a bump.

And then I heard a da-dunk-dunk-dunk.

Come on. And a hit a buh-bump-bump.

And then when I hit it, I heard a jiggle-jiggle here.

There was a jiggle.

Take him around the whole car.

Then on the other side here...

Joe, I need, I need two full rotations.

This is here, this is one car.

- This is one. - Come on, take a walk with me.

So I saw back here that this wheel started to like,

if you look, like, this is on pretty good.

- Okay. - But the other one,

come on here, Mitch, let me show you real quick.

Oh, no, now you went the other way. Shit.

- He's undoing it, Joe! - You're undoing...

You're undoing the loop. No, you gotta come this way.

- Yeah. - So now we're back on track.

So this will be a second rotation, yeah.

This hubcap is off.

The other side, the two came off.

- Okay. - This one here, hubcap.

So I got two hubcaps. So now...

I think I actually need three rotations, Joe.

Damn it. How many rotations?

You need one more.

What are you trying to accomplish here, Joe?

- Oh, me? - Yeah.

Oh, no, I'm trying to get the car to start.

But I walked you through what happened, come here.

Mitch, Mitch...

You gotta look at this, Mitch. Mitch, Mitch!

- Hold on, hold on. - Joe, start hiding from him.

But I don't need...

Joe, he's not gonna chase you.

- Come on, Joe! - Hey, man,

you're gonna make me leave you, man, okay?

- Hey, man, I'm gone, man. - No, no, Mitch, look at this!

No.

Mitch, but look, you gotta look at this last one.

- Come here. - Mitch.

Mitch, you're my best friend.

We're best friends, Mitch. Mitch.

All I'm trying to do is help you.

- I know, I'm trying... - You want to help me,

go around the car one more time!

- One more time. - Okay?

- Guess what. - What?

- You gotta follow me. - Okay. Deal.

I'm following you, Mitch.

- Joe... - It's okay.

Joe, after this, I'm going home.

Okay, you accomplished your goal.

I did. I did accomplish my goal.

- And you have a good day. - That's it.

Mitch, you're unbelievable, buddy.

Thank you so much.

That's how you hit home runs.

Great work, boys.

Lovely Florida. Oh, what do we have here?

Check it out.

Murr's our loser!

Oh!

Murr is forever our loser.

No Abdul for you, baby.

- Look at this! - We have arrived.

Oh, look at this.

Welcome to Miami, gentlemen. Checking in?

You bet your sweet ass we're checking in,

you bedroom-eyed baby bitch, just kidding.

- We need help with luggage? - We straight!

All good here, dawg.

Door!

Hey, watch the leather.

Good joke.

It's always...

I gotta go back down!

- VIPs. - What do you think?

What do you think? VIP!

Stands for "Very Important Man."

- Abdul! - Get to the party.

Abdul!

Abdul! Abdul! Abdul!

Abdul! Abdul! Abdul!

Wow, look at this place, huh?

Whoa. Oh, yeah.

Door.

- This is crazy. - Wow. Check it.

Yeah, but we made it, boys.

It's us, settle down. Everybody settle down.

- You have a finger... - Very good, all right.

...in your ass on television!

There you go.

This is so nice.

- Paula. - Hey, Paula.

Hey, guys, how are you? You made it.

- Where's Murr? - Who he?

Oh, it turns out there was only three tickets.

So we decided to compete in a hidden camera challenge...

You guys are hysterical.

Okay.

- Well, there's our table. - She thinks I'm hysterical.

- That's nice. - You are funny.

So funny.

That looks like Murr from Impractical Jokers.

No way. He looks too sad and lonely.

Yeah, and they're never seen alone.

- They're tight like that. - Yeah.

So anyways, like I was saying, she...

Okay, so when you're making a balsamic reduction,

you really want to have the flame at a nice simmer.

If the heat is too hot, it's not gonna reduce

the way you want it, and the most important part

is to put the drizzle right when it's hot.

And that's chicken, salads, fish dishes, whatever?

Any dish. It's about the presentaish.

What are you doing?

Kinda getting back into it a little bit.

It looks like you're hurt.

Nah, I feel great.

- That does not look like you think it looks, buddy. - Yeah.

I don't know if I agree with you.

Everyone here agrees with us.

All right, all right.

All right, we need Murray back,

'cause we're starting to turn on each other.

You know, it just doesn't feel right without Murr.

Because he's not here, I'll admit it.

I miss him a little.

What are we even still doing here?

We accomplished what we set out to do.

We didn't mess up the night. I'm not having fun.

We're nowhere near Paula anyway.

Why don't we make like a tree and go make fun of Murray?

- Yeah. - All right.

Look at this vanilla angel.

He's magnificent.

You glorious, luminous ferret.

I made the cut. I made the cut.

I'm in, boys.

You just had to come, didn't you?

The unmitigated gall, bro.

I mean, you lost and you show up?

- What about the rules? - Yeah, I mean...

we're gonna pass Go and collect $200?

We're breaking rules?

I'm not playing Monopoly like that!

Really?

I thought you guys would be realizing

that the four of us are better together.

This place is thebomb.com.

There's Paula Abdul.

Paula!

- Right, she's right there. - Hi.

She's clocking us in a weird way.

- It's them. - You bald idiot.

You wore the jacket.

It's them.

She's put it all together. We gotta get out of here.

Run!

My throat!

Suck it, Abdul!

- Yeah! - Whoa!

Hey, baby!

- Sal! - His throat!

- My beautiful boy. - Buddy, buddy.

- Take 'em out back. - Who are you?

I run this town.

Not the cartel. Not the Yakuza.

Abdul.

You're evil. And you, you're a monster.

You know, I'm gonna make you forever my bitch!

No!

And this is where our story should end.

I mean, we really screwed the night up.

My sweet, sweet Sal was tased.

I'm saving him like a real man, sure,

but Murr is screaming like a little ferret.

Paula's good and pissed.

And Joe... Wait, where is Joe?

Hey, Paula.

I mean, I came here to party, right?

I got this, boys.

DJ, flip it.

Paula, get your Abdul ass up here.

Oh, oh!

I remember.

For how long?

Yeah, let's do it!

Give it up for Joe and the Impractical Jokers.

They're in the house,

and they drove the whole way here.

She forgives us!

Pick your head up. Pick your head up.

What?

Paula Abdul!

You did it!

Tell me!

Hands in the air!

Wow, I love Miami.

What a night. What a night!

- Yes! - Unbelievable.

Man, I'm so glad I threatened your lives with that 2x4.

- Fellas, I love you. - Yeah.

You're my best friends.

Epic, epic night, guys.

Yeah, I don't say this enough, but I... I...

Hey, Fatone, you mind keeping it down back there?

- We're trying to have a moment. - Sorry.

I thought I had known everything

there was to know about us,

but I learned a few things on this trip.

Sal loves tigers.

Yeah, Murr loves going to strip clubs with his young nieces.

Q's parents love softcore porn.

- No, no, they do not. - They do.

- They do not. They do not. - They do, they produce it.

I'll tell you what the biggest thing, though,

that surprised me was how good of a hype man

- Joe turned out to be after all. - Right?

Not bad, buddy.

I should talk to you boys about something.

An offer came in.

Abdul wants me to go full-time as her hype man.

World tour. Unbelievable.

Seven-figure salary, 401(k), full benefits.

Everything.

You know, she even offered me my own reality show.

"Believe the Hype: The Joe Gatto Story."

I got a tricycle for McKayla.

Milana.

My own helicopter they're flying in.

She's gonna get rid of that tapeworm.

Oh, you've had that for years.

Bye-bye, Charlie.

Everything I ever wanted as a full-blown hype man

delivered on a silver platter.

Well, what did you say to her?

- I said no. - Oh, thank God!

I don't want to do it. She said, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm forever their boy."

I straight up told her no-no.

You know what?

It's time to go back to Staten Island.

Yes, it is.

Let me just go gas up Grandma Lucia.

- We'll hit the road. - Hold on, fellas.

Abdul texted me tickets to go on her private plane.

- Oh, all right. - Oh!

- That's awesome. - Wait, wait, wait.

She sent three tickets. Come on!

Is she kidding me?

- And it goes on. - This is on purpose, right?

- Does she watch the show? - Oh, that's great.

Well, there's four of us. That's an issue.

Well, then how are we gonna decide

who gets to go on the plane?

- I think it's been decided. - Yeah, pretty sure.

- What do you mean? - Did you not watch the movie?

- That's for real, like... - Yes.

- Yes, our show is real. - But that's for real?

You think you have a shot at a private?

Don't worry, we'll...

Is that it? Is that the plane?

Oh, my God, guys. We are living life.

- That's a jet. - Yeah.

All right, all right.

So I really can't fly in the jet?

Come on.

What about if I drive Grandma Lucia home?

Grandma Lucia's already halfway back to Staten Island, buddy.

We're in this. You're on that.

Oh, God.

See you in Staten Island.

- Welcome. - Thank you.

Wait, on?

- All right, huh? - Oh, yeah.

- Cheers. - Cheers!

Yes!

Private plane, Abdul, no Murray.

- This is crazy, man. - Mmm.

How do you think he's doing?

Oh, God!

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