Original subtitles

[Orchestral music plays]

[Slow music plays]

[Lively music plays]

d La la d

d La la d

[Children laughing]

Woman; Please, this way, this way.

Come along, yes.

That's right. That's right.

Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Walk with me, right here. Let's go.

All right.

[Girl laughs]

Sit back. Thank you.

Girl; It's Kevin. It's Kevin.

[Children oohing]

Where is that Kevin Franklin?

Boy; Come on, Bobby, get that quarter!

How do you expect to make

Get that one over there! Forget the penny!

Get the quarter!

Woman; Kevin!

- Oh! - Bobby, get out of the water.

It's not my fault. You made me buddies with Kevin.

[Laughter]

Sister, I was just trying to help him

retrieve his glasses, and he fell in.

What could I do?

[Cash register dings, children oohing]

It's a miracle!

I made a wish at this fountain,

and now my pockets are stuffed with coins!

Hallelujah!

Put it back now!

You think you're the only orphan that ever grew up in Pittsburgh?

No, just the poorest.

Well, did you know that, um...

he was an orphan, too?

- Everywhere we go, someone's an orphan. - Uh-huh. - Uh-huh.

Poseidon... learned to apply himself

at something other than mischief,

and he became ruler of the sea.

I don't care if he was chicken of the seas!

I don't want to be no Poseidon!

When I get big, I'm gonna be rich.

[Laughter]

Go on, laugh!

When I'm grown up,

I'm gonna be a millionaire driving a Porsche!

["Green Onions" by Booker T. & the MG's plays]

[Engine sputtering]

Hey, girl.

Unh-unh.

[Gears grinding]

[Backfires]

When I make my big money,

everybody in Pittsburgh is gonna brag about how they know me.

That's what it's gonna be. It's gonna be all over the radio.

Wake up, Pittsburgh!

This is your favorite station, WKFD,

with Kevin Franklin downtown!

- And speaking of Kevin Franklin, - [Backfires]

Last night, our city's homeboy cleaned up

at the International Human Being Society Awards.

Let's run that tape, Jim.

[Lmitating tape rewinding]

[Lmitating beep]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight we are honoring a very special man.

This year, the International Human Being Society

- annual recipient has won the Nobel Peace Prize, - [Boing]

The Pulitzer Prize,

the Businessman of the Year Award,

the Heisman Trophy,

- the Harriet Tubman Run for Freedom, - [Backfires]

The Paul Robeson Best Negro Actor of the Century,

as well, the Aunt Jemima "Biggest Pancake in the 'Hood" Cook-off.

He also has ended world hunger,

reversed the greenhouse effect,

and introduced the world to the new flavor of Pop-Tart,

the Spam/salmon/ croquette/tofutti.

And even though his bank account

is the size of four or five small countries,

Kevin Franklin is a man who cares about the world.

- Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, - [Wheel squeaking]

I give you Kevin Franklin from Pittsburgh.

[Lmitating cheers and applause]

Oh, no. Thank you. No... oh!

Oh, I'm so ashamed. I'm so ashamed.

I don't know what to say.

I've won many awards in my life,

but I think tonight is a very special night for me.

First of all, I'd like to start off by saying, um,

"Where's the check?"

[Laughs] Thank you. Thank you.

- You know, if I could do it all over again, I would... - [Backfires]

Not for free, but [Laughs] I'd do it again...

honestly, people, honestly.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

I love you. I love you so much.

Thank you, people. Thank you.

I'll call you.

Thank you. I got to go.

I can't wait to win the big money, Jack.

Everybody will be riding with me then.

[Car alarm sounding]

Man; Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, yeah, baby.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, baby, time to go to school.

Man, yeah.

Ha ha! Yeah! What's up, Ralph?

That's juice in there, right? All right, baby.

Hey, what's up?! What's up?!

Hey, what y'all doin', man?

Hey, what y'all doin', man?

Say, what y'all doin'?

Y'all gonna let this 50-year-old man school y'all?

Gimme the ball. I'm gonna give a little clinic.

I ain't gonna put the groceries down.

Ha ha! There you go. Watch yourself.

Come on! Oh! Oh! Who's next?

My grandmother play better than y'all!

Hey, hold the bag. Sucker!

Grand finale! Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about! Show them fools, Kev!

If I was gonna do your hair, I would pull this out.

I would go to a natural color.

But that's you, baby. Be what you are.

Here's some activator. Keep it wet.

Catch, y'all.

Hey, check out. Hey, check out, yo.

- Hey, yo, Kev. - What?

You make that first million yet?

Yeah, I'm on my way, man. I'm on my way.

He got a bunch of tapes at the house,

like he gonna win a million dollars.

d I can't hear you d

What do you say, brother?

- Just be still. You're gonna love this, man. - Larry!

Kevin! Hey, Kevin, come here! Wait!

Hey, man, where you going?! Kevin, you hear me talking to you?

Can't stop.

Kevin! Kevin!!

Wha! Ahh ahh!

Wha! Yeah!

Whaaa!

Time for "Cooking in the Kitchen with Kevin Franklin."

What do we have?

Oh, we have salt for the children,

we have cholesterol for the adults,

we have fat for the fat people,

and sugar for the sugarholics.

And for the grown folks, Mickey D'S.

That's what I'm talking about.

Big Gulp for a big guy!

Ha ha ha! Yes!

Guess what, Shaft. About to make a million dollars.

Check this out.

I'm gonna buy you a new crib, get you a swimming pool,

who knows... maybe get you some girl hamster, yeah.

Can you dig it?

Show me the way, man. It's time to make money.

Announcer; From beautiful Waikiki Beach in Honolulu, Hawaii,

- please join our host, John Davidson. - [Applause]

Aloha!

Aloha.

Do what almost 700,000 Americans have done,

use Dave Del Dotto's wealth-building materials

as your means to your end.

Restore your faith and your passions

as we move to achieve our dreams.

- d And when your days seem cloudy d - Sing, John.

d And you don't know what to do d

Hey! Ho!

- Hey! Ho! Go, John! - d Just reach out for your rainbow d

Larry; Kevin! Help me!

d Get a hairbrush for your big head d

d Scooby doo bee ooh bee ooh bee d

Kevin!

d Just a minute d

K- Kevin!

Shh! Man, I'm watching this tape!

Why you think I'm waving at you?!

[Panting] It's heavy, it's yours.

Take it, Kevin!

I'm trying to watch the tape.

Oh, really? You like this show, huh?

This is great. This is Dave Del Dotto's new ta...

They delivered this to me 'cause you weren't here.

- What is it? - How am I supposed to know what this is?!

I'm out of here. I'm not La Toya Jackson.

- I'm not psychic. - No, wait, Larry.

This is it! Oh! I've been waiting for this!

Larry, this is it! Oh, just a minute. I'm too excited.

Phew! [Panting]

- You know what this represents, don't you? - A big waste of money.

Man, you have no vision!

The entire 1994 baseball season,

you know what I'm saying?

I got Ken Griffey Jr. Here,

Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco.

People spend big money for baseball cards,

but if they get hurt, it's even worth more money.

Say one of them's going to the car after the game, gets hit... pow!

I don't want to see it happen,

but if it does, I'm getting paid!

This is gonna be huge!

[Panting] No, it's gigantic,

just like all your other ideas, Kevin!

Man, is that any kind of way to encourage your best friend?

Hey, I didn't ask for this! I didn't ask for none of this!

I didn't ask to be your best friend!

- [Wheezing] - See? Look. See? Get upset, see what happens?

Come on, man, now, breathe, breathe.

See? You can't holler at me like this.

I don't want to see you in this kind of condition, all right?

This is gonna work out, man.

I know this one's gonna work. I feel it.

I got a blood... blood-sugar dip.

[Wheezes] I need some dinner.

Dinner... oh, Lynn. I told Lynn I was gonna meet her.

She... she's gonna kill me!

[Gears grinding]

- [Car alarm sounding] - Ouch!

Hi.

Hey, Lynn!

Lynn; I'm leaving real soon.

- Kevin; Hey, how you doin'? - Good night.

Good night. It was nice meeting you, everybody.

Look, I'm sorry, Lynn. I can explain, okay?

You stood me up. You embarrassed me.

You made me look like a fool in front of my boss.

Look, I'm sorry. I can explain, all right? I can explain.

You know, I'm glad I'm still here, so I can slap your face.

Don't slap me, all right?

Oh!

Lynn!

We in the street. Lynn, Lynn!

I'm serious, this one is not like the other ones, I swear, Lynn.

I feel it. I feel it in my bones.

This baseball-card thing is gonna be big.

I'm not just doing this for me... I'm doing this for us.

I want you to have the finer things in life.

Oh, Kevin, money doesn't buy people or love or happiness!

It only buys things!

- That's the point! - When are you gonna grow up?

- I'm growing now, see? Look... I'm growing now. - [Sighs heavily]

I'll cha... baby, I'll change.

Hey, I'm trying to have an argument! Will you just go?!

Lynn, I'm gonna change. I'll get a regular job.

Kevin, you're 35. You're never gonna change.

Lynn, don't... if you drive away,

I'll be standing here pointing!

Lynn! Lynn!

Oh, yeah, 15. [Laughs]

[Laughs]

[Blues music plays]

Eddie Murphy; How could you say I never cared about you?

Look, Jacqueline says that I'm a better person now,

and I know I owe that all to you.

Mnh!

[Laughing]

[Remote control clicking]

You want to smash my face?

Oh!

- Mnh! - Like hell.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[Laughter]

- Ugh! - Ooh!

Man; Get the lights! Move, move, move!

Hey, who is it?! Pauly, my people.

Get out of the way!

What's up, homey? Hey, how you doin'?

Where's the dough?!

- What happened to Nicky? - Nicky retired.

This is my kid brother Joey, and I'm teaching him the business.

- How you doin'? - You're a big guy. I bet you're hungry.

Look, I got these new Pop- Tarts.

Cool, with the frosting stuff on top.

Come on, Pauly, I was hungry!

- You're always hungry. - You don't never let me eat.

You're always eating, always stuffing your face.

Why do people buy this crap?

Hey, where's the dough?!

Is that the only thing he knows how to say?

You think you're funny? Don't be funny.

Ugh! I don't feel funny.

Ow!

- Where's the dough?! - Guys, that's a fair question.

Look, I borrowed $5, 000,

and you want your money back, right?

- $50,000. - What?

That's right, interest and late penalties have accrued.

Accrued!

- $50,000? - Uh-huh.

I guess that sign

on the front of the building said "no questions asked."

I guess I should've asked a couple questions.

Let me tell you what's up, okay?

Most of my businesses are in the start-up phase, you know what I'm saying?

I'm out there moving an inventory, trying to make money happen.

I got something you might be interested in.

These baseball... America loves base... America loves baseball.

They buy these... [Sniffs]

You could almost smell the money, see? This will be big money.

Check it out, Joey, man.

Go ahead and speculate... o- or just chew the gum. That's an option.

What are you doing?

Spit it out! What the hell's the matter with you? Spit it out!

Listen to me, Franklin, Happy's getting pissed,

and we all know what happens when Happy gets pissed.

He's not happy.

And when he's not happy, he's pissed,

you follow me?

We want to keep Happy happy.

That's right.

Now, the way I see it...

correct me if I'm wrong, Joey...

we got two options...

"A," we give you another day,

or... or then "B,"

we're gonna kill you right now

and save ourselves some aggravation.

I'm gonna go with "A."

[Laughing and snorting]

Come here. Come here.

- Huh? - Get over here. Get over here.

Get over here right now! Get over here!

Come here! What the hell's the matter with you?!

Nothing, I just thought that was real good

with that option A/B. [Snorts]

We're threatening somebody here.

You're undermining things!

- Pauly, he's leaving. - [Guns cock]

I was gonna feed my hamster, man.

My hamster hasn't eaten all day.

You got to feed them, man, 'cause they're very sensitive.

What's the matter with you?

I want $50,000 tomorrow or you're dead,

you hear me?

And don't even think about skipping town.

Sounds fair.

One way to Nassau, Bahamas. And your name?

Clarence... Clarence Williams III.

Ha ha! Yeah!

Thank you, Mr. Williams.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ow, Joey! Come on! Come on!

Just you and me, Shaft.

You'll be the coolest hamster in the Bahamas. Guaranteed.

There he is!

I think we're gonna make it, man.

What?! Oh, man.

You really disappointed us. Didn't he, Joey?

Really disappointed us. Nice glasses, though.

Cut it out! Come on!

- The important thing is I learned something. - Shut up!

Man; Choir members, please stay together.

Look... Denzel!

- [Screaming] - Denzel Washington!

Denzel Washington here in the airport!

Denzel Washington's in the airport!

Get out of my way!

Excuse me! Sick pet!

Look out, people!

Out of the way!

Whoo! Goodbye! Sorry!

- Sorry! - Whoa!

[Indistinct conversations]

Man; Move the kid!

[Crying]

- Oh, come on. - Move it!

Shaft, you're gonna have to help me, buddy.

[Shaft squeaking]

Shaft, I always said when the end came,

it was gonna be you and me, man.

Well, it's gonna be you.

I love you.

A rat! It's a rat! Oh, my God, it's a rat!

There he is!

Oh! I got rabies!

[Crowd screaming]

Get me through! Get me through!

[Squeaking]

Excuse me! Sorry!

Excuse me! Move! Move! Move! Move!

- Whoo! - Man; Slow down, there, pal!

- Did you see him? - I almost saw him!

What do you mean you almost saw him?!

[Panting]

Whoa!

Okay, come on.

I told him I'd pick him up out here.

What does he look like, Dad?

Well, he's around my age, he's black.

Girl; How tall is he, Daddy?

I don't really know, baby.

I mean, I haven't seen him in 25 years.

- He was always so punctual. - What is "punctual"?

- I think I see him! - You didn't see him!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hey!

- Derek? - That's right.

[Laughing] It's me!

It's you!

- How are you doin'?! - How you doin'?!

[Both laughing]

[Both sigh]

[Both laugh]

Oh, God! Oh, you look different.

I do?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, well, come on, man,

when you haven't seen somebody since they were a kid,

you can look completely different...

I mean, completely different.

- I don't know, you haven't changed at all. - I haven't?

I mean, I would have expected

a more conservative look, but what can I say?

I like the earrings.

[Laughs] A fraternity thing, you know?

Derek, I want you to meet Jason,

my future All-American basketball star,

and Sarah, my little Princess.

Hey, how you doin', Jason? How you doin', Sarah? All right, let's go.

I apologize for my wife. She couldn't make it.

Your wife? Oh, hey, hey, how is she doing?

Busy... uh, Emily opened a yogurt store

a couple of years back, and boom!

The crazy thing just took off.

She's got 35 of those silly stores all over the state now.

Let's talk about that. That's nice.

Come on. Hey, come on, Jacob.

By the way, it's Jason.

Oh, Jason. How you doin'?

- What? - Don't you have any bags?

[Laughs] Yeah, I got a bag. Yeah, right here.

All right, here's my bag. Let's go.

Sorry about being so late.

I remember how crazy you used to be about being on time.

Well, if we hurry now, we can make up for lost time, all right?

Boy, we got a lot of catching up to do.

I cleared the decks at the office,

so I'll have the whole three days off.

We're gonna have one hell of a Memorial Day weekend.

Woman; Mr. Gary Young. Paging Mr. Gary Young.

What's wrong? Why you stopping?

They just called my name.

Oh, yeah, I mean, I know that.

Uh, that... that was me.

What was you?

I had them page you, man,

'cause I was sitting down there and you were late, Gary.

Don't you think you should go in and tell them that you found me?

Oh, no, they'll figure it out. This is the airport.

The kids will show you where the car is.

Let me just go in and tell them.

No, no! No, no, no, no, no!

You take the kids. I'll do it, okay, 'cause I was rude.

I don't know what I was thinking about.

I'm jet-lagged. I'm so tired.

Ooh, hurry up! Press on!

We got so much to talk about.

It's so good to see you again. It's so good.

Derek! Derek!

Oh! Oh! [Laughs] Yeah?

Good to have you with us.

Ha ha! Yeah, right! Ha ha!

[Indistinct conversations]

- Derek? Derek Bond? - Yes?

Hi, I'm Pete, Gary's executive personal assistant.

Yeah, so?

Yes, could I speak to you for a second, please?

Come with me, please. Please, come on.

Gary sent me to tell you that he's very sorry,

but you can't stay with him this weekend.

- What? Why not? - His wife, man, 'cause she's ill.

- What's wrong with her? - It's botulism.

Botulism? This is terrible.

I mean, what about the thing I came to do?

What thing?! We're talking about a disease, man!

Ain't no thing! It's off!

- It's off? - It's off. There's no thing.

Well, great.

I don't want to do that damn thing anyway. I hate those things.

Did Gary mention anything? I mean, is there anything I can do for them?

There's two things he wants you to do.

- First of all, they want you to wear this hat. - I don't wear hats.

- The woman's in a coma. The least you can do is wear the hat. - I'll wear the hat!

This is the most important.

Whatever you do, do not call the house.

- Why not? - Sound triggers it off, man.

That phone rings... bam! I'm talking about vomit coming up!

The woman's got the shakes! It's ugly, man!

Foam is coming out of the mouth!

- You don't want to see that. - Yeah, that's ugly.

Gary's gonna call you when everything's all right.

You wear that hat. Keep hope alive.

I can see him. Can you see him?

- Do you see him? - I see him!

Oh!

Man; Coming through.

Oh, sorry. Wrong guy.

Me too.

Help!

Gary; Derek!

Hey, what's up?! I'm coming, Gary!

[Horns honking]

Look out!

Man; Hey, you fool!

[Tires screech, horn honks]

- Man; Hey! - Coming, Gary!

[Horn honks]

- Oh! - [Tires screech]

Man; Hey!

[Panting] Whoo! Whoo!

- Hey, what's the hurry? - [Laughs] Just want to get this party started.

- Great. Jason, do you have your seat belt on? - No.

We're not leaving till you put it on.

Jason took my seat belt.

Jason, give your sister back her seat belt.

Now, tell Sarah you're sorry.

Do I have to?

- Yes, you do! - Sorry!

[Horn honks]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Pauly, Pauly, Pauly!

- Give me the keys. Move over! Move over! - You wanna drive?

- Hey, watch it! - [Horn honks, tires screech]

I got a bad knee here!

Well, you want to take a right out of the gate, and...

[Tires squeal]

Whoa!

- Aaah! - [Tires squeal]

- Whoa! - Aaah!

Aaah! Aaah!

- [Tires squeal] - Ooh!

- [Horn honks] - Whoa! - Ooh!

Whoo!

Oh, gosh, that's some tight steering, boy!

Safe car, too.

- Cool. - [Gary and Kevin laugh]

Franklin!

Oh, Franklin.

All right, get the car, Joey.

- Pauly. - Get the car!

Hey! Hey! Hey! That's my car!

That's my brother's car!

Oh, uh, you wanted to turn off here...

- I can make it. - But you can take the next...

- [Tires squeal] - Aaah!

All right!

- I can make it! - Whoa!

I can make this!

[Tires squeal]

You can't do this with an American car.

[Laughs]

Boy, oh, boy, you have changed!

You used to be so uptight when we were kids.

You used to lecture us on bicycle safety.

I haven't been the same

since... since the accident.

What accident?

I was scuba diving in the Cayman Islands

with my friends,

and... we're out there looking for stingray,

and all of a sudden, two great white sharks came out of nowhere...

bam! ...just attacked us,

and it was... it was... it was vicious!

It was like a scene out of "Jaws."

There was just bloods and bubbles and butts, and everything was...

and then I saw him bite my friend!

His head came off, and his eye was on me!

His eye was on me!

Oh, God! Oh!

Easy!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

[Gasps]

[Sighs] I'm okay.

[Sniffles]

[Exhales deeply]

Well, this is great.

Yeah... this is great.

I mean, this is really great.

I can't believe, after all these years,

it only took one phone call to get your butt to Pittsburgh

so we could rekindle that old friendship.

Well, you know what they say, uh, Gary,

uh, friends don't grow on trees.

No, they don't.

Oh, remember how we always used to sing the song?

d Good night, Irene, good night d

Together; d Good night, Irene, good night d

d Good night, Irene, good night, Irene... d

d I wish I had some Dairy Queen d

- [Laughing] Yeah. - [Laughing] Aw, man!

- d I'll see you in my... d - d You in my... d

- d Dreams d - d Dreams d

Yeah.

Say, how's your wife? Heard she was ill.

- My wife? - Yeah.

Um... she's dead, Gary.

What?!

I just spoke to her yesterday.

I mean, she's dead inside,

um, from the loss of our son.

Your son?! I thought he's at Princeton!

That's what it means, see?

W- We... we thought we lost our son to the lvy League.

Ohh. [Laughing] Oh.

We just misplaced him momentarily.

You misplaced a person momentarily?!

- I guess we did. - If I don't get that money

by the conclusion of this holiday weekend,

I'm gonna be pissed.

Oh, no, don't be pissed.

Hold it. The Lotto's on.

- Lotto? - Lotto?

Man;... to win $ 1 million. Give it a spin.

- Where'd he go? - Let's see where it stops.

- $ 1 million! - Hello?

Listen, goddamn it, I want Franklin, or you're gonna be looking

at the wrong end of an ice pick...

- Oh, God! - Very closely!

- We'll find him, I swear to God. - Give me that pepper!

Happy's not happy.

Who is he, then?

- [Light classical music plays] d La-la la-la la-la la-la d

- Man: Hi, Gary. - Woman: Hi!

Derek, I really have to thank you again.

You're welcome.

No, thanks for agreeing to do this thing today.

The thing?

Well, I mean... how bad could it be?

I mean, when you stop and think about it,

I mean, what is this thing, really?

Yes, well, you're a braver man than I.

d La-la la-la la-la la-la d

d La la-la la la-la d

d La la la la-la d

Sorry. I want you to meet Derek Bond.

Derek, Nancy Pike.

Mrs. Pike is the head of the school board

and my boss's wife.

It is such a pleasure to meet you, Derek,

but I wonder if I could just hurry you along because you're just a little bit late.

Just come right this way.

Catch you later, buddy!

Come right up these stairs right here.

No, it's all right.

We just have to go through the curtain here, and here we are.

Now, Derek, if I could just ask you to sit down.

There.

Oh, gentlemen, we are about to begin.

Would you please take your seats?

Thank you.

[Chairs creaking]

[Laughs]

[Exhales deeply]

[Curtain squeaking]

[Man coughs]

Nancy; Greetings, students and faculty.

On behalf of the Sewickley School Foundation,

I want to personally welcome

all our distinguished speakers

and all of you to Career Day.

[Applause]

Now, let me introduce you

to our first speaker, Derek Bond.

But first, let me tell you a few things about Derek.

He has come a long way to talk to us today,

and he has had a distinguished career

as a, um...

[Laughs]

A professional in his field,

but I will let him tell you all about that.

Join me in a warm welcome for Derek Bond.

[Applause]

[Laughs] No, you. You get here, not...

[Laughs] Yes. Now!

There he is, honey.

[Applause continues]

[Man laughs]

[Sighs]

I'd like to thank Mrs. Pike

for the, uh, warm welcomage addressing speech.

- Um... - [Laughs] Yeah!

Man; Sit down!

Ooh! I had some notes. Um, I need to go to the car.

I had some notes. If I go get those notes...

I think we should let the man with the high-water pants go first

'cause his pants are getting very short.

- [Laughter] - Oh, Derek, you know you're just joking.

You know your secretary

has sent all your slides ahead of you.

- Oh, she did? - Yes.

- Harvey, will you start the slide show, please? - Yes.

Here is your clicker,

and I know you know what to say.

- We'll click 'em. - That's it!

Thanks. Thanks, Harv.

[Laughs]

Beautiful dress!

Well, here goes nothing.

Oh, that's it, yeah.

[Projector clicking]

All; Oh!

Hey!

All; Oh!

Whoo! A sandwich is a sandwich, but that's a meal.

- [Laughter] - Oh! - Oh! - Oh!

Ooh! I wonder what that'd be like with a nice lemonade.

[Both laugh]

That looks like the inside of my refrigerator.

[Laughs] What is it?

Oh! Ah!

Oh! Ooh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Someone get the lights!

- [Laughs] - [Applause]

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

I think you've learned all that I could teach you about my career.

It's time to have Dr. Von Fleisenberg,

who is the leading hair-transplant scientist in the country,

to discuss...

[Laughs] Dr. Derek.

Thank you, Professor Von whatever,

but I'm sure we have time for just one question.

Oh, yes, Mr. Ichabod,

the head of our science department.

Uh, in Chapter Five of your book,

you said there are many things

you would do differently

if you could do them over again.

What did you mean by that?

- Uh, Chapter Five? - In your book.

What I meant by that when I put that in there

was that, um, I padded the book immensely.

I probably would eliminate Chapter Five

and have gone straight to Six.

I wrote it 'cause you have to have Five to get to Six.

You don't have the slightest idea of what you're talking about, do you?

- What... listen here! - [Microphone feedback]

So, if you know so much about what I do,

since you know more than I do,

then why don't you come up here,

Mr. Smarty-pants, Mr. "I don't have a woman"?!

- Well, I, uh... - Why don't you come up here and tell me,

Mr. Ichybody.

I'm waiting. Hmm? Hmm?

- I-I-I'm sorry. - [Cheers and applause]

You are sorry. And pass out those copies of my books.

By the way, there's a free ticket

for the Pearl Jam concert inside each one of those books.

[Cheers]

Hey, hey, hey!

That was a great speech, Derek.

Well, you know, anytime I can help out with the kids,

you just let me know.

Oh, I want you to meet my oldest, Brooke.

Derek, Brooke.

- Sweetie, this is Derek Bond. - Hey.

And this is Brooke's, uh... friend, Steve.

Yo, my man, how many times I got to tell you

I ain't down with Steve, 'kay?

Call me ST-3, a-ight?

ST-3!

Yo, "G," your speech...

dat okay.

The butters, yo...

the butters can't represent, man!

You were dropping some serious science out there, yo.

Hey, man, we got to hang, you know what I'm sayin', 'cause peeps out here don't know what's up.

- Who? - Peeps... the people.

Oh! The people, yeah.

Kevin; Well, thank you, my man.

Ain't no thing but a chicken wing,

know what I'm sayin'? [Laughs]

Anyway, we Audi 5000.

- You stay tan, now. - All right, man.

Girl, you comin', you comin'?

I'm right here. I'm behind you.

- Be careful, huh? - Whatever.

Is, uh, bro man from around here?

Whoo-hoo!

He's a state senator's son.

Oh.

- [Light classical music plays] - d La-la la-la la-la la-la d

Hi, Mr. Young.

d La-la la-la la-la la-la d

d La-la la-la laaaaa d

[Horn honks]

d La-la la-la la-la la-la d

d La-la la-la la-la la-la d

d La-la la-la la-la... d

This is perfect.

We like to think of it

as our little piece of heaven.

[Laughing] Man.

[Growls]

- [Barks] - Hey, hey. What's up with the dog?

[Barks]

Well, that's funny.

Carl likes everybody.

[Laughs] Carl. Hey, uh, good dog, Carl.

Come on, Sarah.

Whoa!

Jason!

How many times have I told you to pick that damn thing up?!

A lot, I think!

Probably... several, maybe.

Tsss.

Come on.

Come on, Carl, let's go find a cat.

Come on, buddy.

[Music swells]

d Ahh ah ah ah ah ahh ahh... d

Whoa, nice crib.

- Rosie, is my wife home yet? - She's on the phone, Mr. Young.

We went all out on your behalf.

I hope everything fits your dietary needs.

[Laughs]

Um, that looks good. Can I try some?

Sure, go ahead.

Oh!

What is that?

Pur�e of parsnip and crookneck squash.

I thought it was nacho cheese.

No, sir! Only vegetables for the vegetarian.

I'm a vegetarian.

We know, Derek. Don't you worry.

Your secretary faxed us all the specifics on your diet,

and we followed those guidelines to the "T."

That takes a load off my mind.

Don't burn your fingers on that meat there.

I don't know how you do it, Derek.

I just don't think I could ever say no

to a big, juicy cheeseburger.

Just... vegetables for me.

Woman; No, no, no, no.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Honey, yes, right here. Uh-huh.

No, well, I feel very strongly about that.

No, well, I wasn't consulted.

No, I didn't think so.

- Cream sauce. Thank you. - Mommy!

No. Uh-huh.

- Derek, this is my wife. Emily, Derek. - Hi.

Nice to meet you. I'm sorry I didn't meet you at the airport,

but I've just been so busy with the kids and the party.

- Mommy! - Uh-huh.

But we just opened three new yogurt shops in eastern Pennsylvania.

Yeah, I-I-I told him.

Hold it, hold it. I'm right here.

Hold on! Wait! Wait! Hold on!

Okay, look, I would give you the grand tour, but I can't.

I got to get the kids ready for the party.

But if you'd like to wash up, you can.

Your room is upstairs on the left, second door.

- Welcome aboard. - Nice to meet you.

That was not my decision.

Well, I thought I made it pretty clear...

- Ooh! - [Laughs]

[Laughs] Second door on the left, right?

Good to see you, buddy.

Hey, you forgot your, uh, bag here.

Oh. Thank you.

[Laughs]

Jordan for two! It's...

not.

[Sighs]

Hey, Dad!

Just a second, son.

But, Dad, I just want to show you something real quick.

This is Majerle's shot from three.

Come on, show me what you got.

All right.

Ugh!

- Oh! - Agh!

[Ball bouncing]

Well, you're gonna have to work harder, son,

if you want to make it to the big leagues.

[Sighs]

Whoa!

[Singsong voice] I'm home.

Yow! Ha ha!

Wha!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

And a pillow for me!

d La-la la-la la-la la-la la-la d

I am Pillow Man! Pillow Man to the rescue!

Whoo!

Put the lime in the coconut and mix it all up.

Daddy told me to give these to you.

Well, uh, here you go.

Will you teach me French?

- French? - Daddy said you lived in France for a while.

Oh! Oh, yes.

But... but aren't you a little young for French?

I already know some.

Oh, you do, huh?

- Bonjour... that means "hello." - Tell you what...

- Au revoir... that means "goodbye." - You are a French woman.

Comment allez-vous... that means "how are you?"

You know what? That's enough French for today.

How about if we play a little game?

Tell me what your father told you about me.

- He knows you from summer camp. - Summer camp? That's right.

You live in Baltimore.

I bet you don't know this one. What do I do for a living?

- You're a very successful doc... - Emily; Sarah, stop bothering Derek!

- Sarah, no. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. - Coming, Mommy!

Sarah, I need to know... Sarah, no. Sarah.

- Hey, buddy. - Hey!

Better get ready. You're gonna want to dress nice for the thing tonight.

Oh, yes, the thing! Of course, the... the thing.

[Laughing] Well, I can't wait.

Me neither.

[Laughs]

Ohh!

All right, let's see what we got.

I don't care if it don't look good,

just fit.

GFH?

Groverton Funeral Home?

I'm dead. I'm dead.

Mom!

You are... grounded, young lady.

I want you to stay in your room...

for the... rest of the night.

Great.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

[Grunts] What's up?

[Laughing] Get in here.

Hi.

Cool. Let's do this.

Yeah.

[Sighs]

[Laughter, indistinct conversations]

How you doin'? Hi. How you doin'?

Gary; This dog is like a member of the family.

Yes, may I have one of those big, fat...

There. Yeah, there it is.

Hi.

Oh, hello.

Derek, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Tom Miller.

Hey, what's up?

Is that a burger you have behind your back?

Oh, this...

this fatty, high-cholesterol, steroid-injected piece of beef?

You know what this does to somebody's heart? You are poisoning your guests!

I can't believe you, Gary!

Man, I'm just ashamed of you.

We try to buy the best meat.

Look, I'm sorry, man, I'm a vegetarian.

If it was up to me, I'd just knock all this meat off the...

I just get emotional. I'm sorry. I just know how dangerous meat can be.

Tom chairs the chess, bridge,

and, of course, poker night down at the club.

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Oh, what does that stand for?

Oh, the Gaming Foundation of Harlem.

I've heard of that. It's a charitable organization, isn't it?

- You said it. - [Laughs] He's a nice guy.

Oh, he's the genuine article.

What does that stand for?

My great-grandfather...

General, uh, Fran�ois Heimlich Maneuver,

- World War I and II. - Good guy.

- What does it stand for? - Gemstones, furs, and haberdasheries.

Graduated, full honors, Oxford.

But I guess you wouldn't know about that.

- I went to Harvard. - Yeah, right, Harvard Street.

Oh, it's a gospel group I was with...

- Godliness, Faithful, and Honest. - Ah, amen.

Geeks For Hire... it's a temporary service. You'd fit in. You ought to call us.

Gas From Humans. Girls From The 'Hood. G- Strings For The Huge.

- Got To Feed The Hungry. Girls Feedin' The Homeys. - Is that a joke?

d Godliness, Faithful, and Honest, ah ha! d

- Ah! - Ah!

Good, fine, and healthy, and, baby, you it.

- Bam! You know what I'm saying? - Hmm!

Derek!

Ronald Timmerman. It's great to know you.

I hear you're one of the top guys.

Well, you know, I just do what I do.

[Laughs] I'm sure you must've heard of me.

You know, we have a lot of mutual friends.

I don't think so.

Timmerman, Ronald Timmerman...

Penn State, Hopkins.

I had two papers published in the journal last year.

Oh, Ron Timmerman. I thought you said Rob.

Ron! Ron's like Rob, Rob's like Ron.

- Stuffed mushroom? - Oh, gee, can't you see I'm in training?

I'm a runner. I'm top seed in the Sewickley 5K.

- Derek... having a good time? - Hey.

[Laughing] Hold on.

Jerry Jordan, the J-Man!

Hey, hey, Gary tells me you're the best in your field.

Janey. Janey.

I want you to look at my wife, huh?

Hey, hey. Huh?

Well, D-Man, what do you think?

You're a lucky man.

So, does that mean you can do something for her?

Whoa! Oh, I... Ohh. I...

I'm not asking you to do it for free.

- I'd... I'd pay you. - You couldn't pay me.

I insist.

You see the size of that moth?

It's gonna get in somebody's hair.

I've got to get it.

Woman; I want to show you my...

[Laughing]

That guy's a hoot.

You told me he was a stuffed-shirt conservative.

- Not since the accident. - Hmm?

The accident?

There's a lot you should know about Derek. [Sighs]

Come on. Let's get some food. I'll tell you all about it.

Did you go to summer camp when you were a kid?

Oh. [Chuckles] Oh, yes, indeed.

We went to Camp Mapleridge.

Same cabin both years.

- Legendary Cabin 6. - What are you doing?

- It was on a beautiful lake. - Huh!

Caba... Caba... Cabaclou...

- some Indian name. - Hamburger, sir?

Act like you're talking to me.

Derek, uh, taught me how to play spin the bottle.

Not with the two of us, you know... with the girls.

- Hi. Michelle Castel. - Hey.

I teach French at the high school.

I understand you're fluent.

- Bonjour, bonjour. [Translation] Kiss me. - Bonjour.

Whatever Derek put his mind to,

- he always managed to pull it off. - Mona Lisa. Mona Lisa.

[Translation] But in wonder...

d Michelle, my belle d

Ah...

[Singing indistinctly]

That's why I wasn't too surprised

when I found out he was a D.D.S.

A D.D. S?

A dentist.

Did I use the term improperly?

No! I am a dentist!

It's just you don't use D.D.S. Once you graduate.

I'm a dentist, not... not D.D.S.! I am den...

Give me some! I'm a dentist! I am a dentist!

- Yes? - I couldn't be prouder! If you can't hear me,

I'll yell a little louder!

I am a dentist! I love...

Well, it's always nice to see someone who truly enjoys his work.

[Laughing] Yes.

Oh, sorry. I-I see all these beautiful smiles.

I'm a dentist. I just get excited.

L- I love my job.

- [Machine clunking] - [Grunting]

How you doing?

Hmm.

Look, hey, look...

I'm sorry if I insulted you earlier.

I just got so excited. You're so refined. Can I do this for you?

Go ahead.

Thank you.

You know, I worked my way through dental school... doing this.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh! Uh!

Whoa!

[Gasping]

[Crowd murmuring]

Mn-mnh.

[Machine gurgling]

[Shudders]

Sorry.

Mmnnnh!

Need some help over here.

Anybody got a hose?!

And now for the thing we've all been waiting for...

my good friend Derek, oenophile extraordinaire,

will introduce us to some of my favorite wines.

We have a great selection.

The waiters will be serving you,

but first, Derek, your comments.

Whoo!

Thank you, Gary. Thank you.

Well, like Gary said,

we have some dark wines and some light wines

for dark and light people.

I'm not kidding.

[Chuckling]

This one here is, uh, Chat-ie Laugh-it.

[Laughter]

This is a happy wine.

No sense holding the party up.

Why don't we just pass this 'round and drink up?

Don't you smell the cork?

Swirl it around the glass?

What about the nose?

What about the booty?

[Laughter]

You want the cork? Here you go.

Besides, uh, who are you

to tell me, xylophone extraordinaire,

how to taste wine?

Vincent Montgomery,

wine critic for the Sewickley Register.

[Crowd gasping and murmuring]

May I?

Yes, you may.

[Sniffs deeply]

[Soft music plays]

Ahhh.

Please.

Thank you.

[Sniffs deeply]

[Breath quivers]

[Crowd murmurs softly]

[Slurping]

[Swishing]

[Gargling]

[Swallows]

Huh.

[Crowd murmurs]

I like my wine bright, rich, mature, developed...

seductive, with nice legs and a prolonged... finish.

Well, sounds like you need a woman.

[Laughter]

Some folks drink wine, some people date.

- [Laughter] - Okay, hand me that bottle.

- Mmm. - Folks, drink up, drink up. This is a party.

Here you go. Matter of fact,

why don't you drink it right out the bottle, man?

That's the way. You want your party started right?

- Would you all like... Here. Here you go. - Yeah! - Yeah!

Out the bottle, man. You can do it.

Go! Go! Go!

All: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[All cheering]

Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

Now, this is a party, people!

Drink up! Drink up!

[The Commodores' "Brick House" plays]

- Whoo! - [Indistinct conversations]

[Corks popping]

Huh-huh, oh.

- [Laughs] - Oo-ooo-ooo!

d She's a brick... d

- Whoo! - Hubba-hubba.

Hey, ho, I'm here.

- [Popping] - Party in the crib!

- d She's mighty, mighty d - [Laughs]

[Laughter]

d She's a brick... d

I love you.

I love you!

[Laughter]

I love you!

d... the story goes d

- d She knows she's got everything d - [Groans]

All; d That a woman needs to get a man d

d How, how, how d

d The things she use d

d 36-24-36 d

d Oh, what a winnin' hand d

d 'Cause she's a brick house d

d She's mighty, mighty, just lettin' it all hang out d

- d She's a brick house d - d Bri-i-i-i-ck hou-u-u-se d

d That lady's stacked, that's a fact d

d Ain't holdin' nothin' back d

- d She's a brick d - d House d

d House d

- d Yeah, she's the one, the only one d - Pow!

d Built like a Amazon d

d Yeah, she's a brick house d

[Indistinct shouting]

[Snorts]

[Hard-rock music plays loudly]

d Take your parents, kill your parents d

d Kill them, kill them all d

[Music continues indistinctly]

d Kill your parents, kill your parents d

d Kill your parents d

My daughter is getting weirder and weirder.

Oh, she'll grow out of it.

[Computer keys clacking]

Emily, don't you see what's happening here?

You gotta spend more time with the girls.

Mm-hmm.

More time with them,

less time with Emily's Yogurt Madness.

Mm-hmm.

This a question of priorities, honey.

That's not fair.

At least Derek hasn't let success change him.

He still acts like he did when he was 12.

I mean, talking to him, you'd never know he was a dentist.

You'd never know he was anything.

He didn't say a thing about work all night.

- Well, that's because he's secure. - [Yawns]

What's that supposed to mean?

Mm-hmm.

You know, what you said about being secure.

You said, "He's secure." What's that supposed to mean?

Oh.

W... n... well, I just meant, when I first met him,

I said, "This is a guy who knows who he is."

He's... comfortable with it.

[Scoffs]

Hmm. Comfortable.

[Chuckles softly]

Who's insecure?

Huh?

Well, you said, "He's secure."

The implication is that someone's insecure. Who's that?

- Who is he? - [Laughs]

Look, I don't want to argue with you. I...

Just who's insecure?

You said, "He's secure."

- Yes, he is. I said that he was. - N-N...

- I don't... - That's all right. That's all right.

Thanks so much.

[Chuckles]

Are we having an argument?

[Whirring]

You sure you know what a Harley looks like?

It better not look like no Honda.

[Bells jingle]

Uhh!

Uh, just take a seat. Read a magazine or something.

- Buddy. - I'll be with you in a minute.

- Wait your turn like everybody else! - [Whirring]

[Chuckling]

Uhh!

Next. We seem to have an opening.

Where's Franklin?

- Who? - Kevin Franklin.

- [Telephone ringing] - Franklin!

He used your name as a reference on his loan request.

I don't know no Franklin. L- I mean...

your phone's ringing. You don't answer your phone when it rings?

You may want to answer it.

- Answer it! - What?!

Where you been, man? The phone been ringing off the hook forever.

- Thank God it's you, uh... Mother. - Oh.

- Man, are you tripping? - She's telling me about her trip to Florida.

Oh, well, that's nice. Tell her to hurry up.

I'm staying with some family out here...

- Uh-huh. - They think I'm a dentist.

I need you to come out and get me right now, man.

No! No, no.

Mom, uh, I will not come and get you,

no matter how much I'd like to

because I have two very angry Italian customers right here

and they are demanding service.

Pauly; That's right. Let's go.

What? They're there.

Maybe you better just stay put, Mom.

What am I gonna do?

Be a good houseguest, Mom, you know.

If the folks ask you to do something, just say,

"Yes, no problem, sure," you know?

And maybe they'll like you and let you stay.

- Come on! - Yes. No problem. Sure.

- Man! - I gotta go.

Um, I love you, son.

- Pauly. - Mama, Mama-san.

Mama-san. She's half-Japanese.

- Franklin, is this you? - Is it him?

[Female voice] Who is this?

L- I'm... I'm sorry, lady.

I tell you, I just need some bo x of Depends.

- It ain't easy when you sit up here, - Lady!

And you use the bathroom on yourself.

I'm sorry, lady.

Look... oh, I done used the bathroom on myself!

- I'm sorry, lady! - [Receiver slams down]

You better tell us where Franklin is

- or we're gonna be pissed. - Pissed!

Ain't nothing you can do or say to me

that'll make me give in my brother to you.

[Guns cocking]

He's in Sewickley

staying with some folks he don't even know.

He-he's their houseguest.

[Normal voice] Larry's my main man. He ain't gonna give me up.

We like this.

I'm safe.

[Birds chirping]

Oh, man. He's weak. [Panting]

He's neurotic. He gave me up.

He gave me up.

I gotta get outta here.

Uh! Ooh!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Sorry, Carl! - [Carl whimpering]

- Hey, buddy? - Huh?

Come on. Your breakfast of champions awaits you.

I was just...

- Good morning, Derek. - Come on.

Muesli, soy milk, papaya slices.

[Chuckling] I don't know how you do it.

Me neither.

Well, you do it, and that's commendable.

Well, kids, you're looking at a free man.

I've cleared the decks at the office for three days.

Even Derek cleared his schedule.

Wish your mother could do the same.

I'm busy all weekend... Steve and I are doing grave rubbings

at the old abandoned cemetery.

Aw, honey, you can do that anytime.

Dad...

it's Memorial Day.

- We're doing this as a memorial tribute - [Coughing]

To all the great poets who gave so much to us

at the expense of their own lives...

- like Edgar Allan Poe, Virginia Woolf, - [Slurping]

Like Sylvia Plath.

I don't think it would kill us to spend some together,

like families do.

- Don't you agree, Derek? - Mm.

[Slurping]

Um... [Squeals]

[Squeals] I...

[Talking with mouth full] I think that family togetherness is very important.

This isn't fair.

You're all ganging up against me. You always do this!

Why can't you just be normal?!

I can't stand them. I hate them.

But then again...

Derek, I'm sorry you had to bear witness to this.

Look, everybody,

we can all do whatever we want today,

but tomorrow it's family solidarity day,

and we're all spending it with our best buddy Derek.

- [Gasps] - [Silverware clanks]

This is the best breakfast,

but, you know, you can have too much of a good thing,

so I've got to run.

Hey, speaking of which...

Jason...

We have a little present for you.

- Here you go, Dad. - To our good buddy, Derek, hope you enjoy them.

[Wrapping paper crinkling]

[Wrapping paper ripping]

Thanks.

Whoa. These are nice.

Man.

How'd you know my size?

Eyeballed those dogs of yours at the airport.

- Put myself through law school selling shoes. - Jason, eat that.

13E from the moment I spotted you.

- [Laughs] Yeah. - Well, lace 'em up, Derek.

I already signed you up for the Memorial Day 5K.

It's to raise money for Sarah's school.

Please, please, Derek.

Please.

Yeah. No problem. Sure. L- I mean, if I'm still here.

What do you mean? It's tomorrow.

There you go. I'm there.

- Derek was the best athlete at camp. - What was your best sport?

Well, really, I didn't have a best sport.

This guy was the Michael Jordan at camp two summers in a row.

- Ooohhh. - B-ball? Really?

- Could you teach me some moves later? - Come on, Derek's on vacation.

Go for your run, and then we'll head over to the country club.

- The country club. - You can show me that famous golf swing.

[Laughing]

I can't wait. L- I really have to run.

Gary, I can't believe you set me up like that!

[Arguing continues]

[Sighs] I can't do this to these people.

- The children are here. - I'm sorry about this.

And you are Mr. Good Guy...

d La la la-la-la la d

Uh...

- Hmm? - I just want to say...

thank you... for your hospitality,

and, um, I'm sorry

if I've been any kind of inconvenience.

Hey, we're glad to have you.

Derek, we think you've been the perfect guest.

Didn't mean to interrupt a family...

[Sighs deeply]

Whoa! Whoa!

[Gate squeaks]

Hey, Carl. What's up?

- You know we're brothers. You know that. - [Growls]

I don't know if you know that, but you're my main man!

- [Carl barking] - Come on!

Come on, Carl!

Come on! Stop! No! Stay!

Good... good dog, Carl. Good dog.

[Whimpers]

- Good day. - Good morning.

Good morning. How are you?

[Choir singing]

d You deserve a break today d

d So get up and get away d

d Ooooohhh d

[High-pitched voice] Hi, there. May I take your order, please?

[High-pitched voice] Yes, you may.

[Normal voice] Uh, give a Big Mac, Quarter Pounder with cheese,

a Quarter Pounder with cheese double,

a McLean Deluxe with cheese,

a cheeseburger with cheese, and a large order of fries,

and a large Coke.

That comes to $ 10.87, sir.

Okay, change that.

Oh.

A Quarter Pounder with cheese,

um, a large Coke, and a large fry.

- Comes to $4.07, sir. - All right.

Give me the nuggets. I need two 9-packs, okay?

Here they are.

Coming up right now.

- Yeah. ...change. Here you go, sir.

Thank you for dining at McDonald's.

We haven't found him yet, but we're in the vicinity.

- Vicinity? - Your tickets, boss.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

- Close. Real close. - Yeah?

He's holed up with a family in a town here called "Sewicky."

Sewickley, Pauly.

- Vicinity? - We don't have an exact address.

- Pauly, we don't have no address. - Would you shut up?!

- What did you say? - Not you.

No, it's just some Jehovah's Witness here wanting to use the phone.

- Back off, pal. We're Catholic. - Pauly!

- Wait! - See ya. Bye.

- Pinhead! - [Receiver slams down]

What the hell's the matter with you?!

- You trying to get us killed?! - No, I just saw Franklin.

- Where? - He's at McDonald's.

Do you see him right now?

I don't see him right now, but I saw him.

- Get in the car! - I saw him!

What are you standing around for?!

Whoa. Nice Porsche.

[Indistinct conversations]

Oh, really?

[Vehicle approaching]

[Bell jingle]

d Danny Boy, you know... d

Hey, what's up?

[Bag drops]

[Exhales deeply]

I thought I missed something.

Um, how far can I get for a dollar and, uh...

[Change jingling]

33 cents?

d And down... d

Hello? [Chuckles]

Aliquippa.

Aliquippa? How far is that?

d... summer's gone d

About a half-mile up the road.

A half-mile? Forget that.

Give me one of those.

[Gasps] Don't go too fast.

I don't want you to hurt yourself.

["Danny Boy" continues]

d You know... d

Newest game in town.

I feel mighty lucky, partner.

- I swear I saw him. - Where did you see him?

[Bell jingle]

There. There. There he is.

- Joey, the car! - [Tires screeching]

- Whoa! - Follow him!

- I'll run him down! - [Tires screeching]

- Wah! - Wah!

Whoa!

[Panting]

[Tires screeching]

[Panting continues]

- [Tires screeching] - Pauly; Come back here, Franklin!

Pauly, we'll get him this time. Uh!

- Oohh! - [Thud]

- Whooa! - [Thud]

Get outta the way!

[Grunts]

Pauly; Give me a boost, Joey-y-y-y-y!

No! No!

I'm coming over.

[Both grunt]

[Gasps]

Nice fence.

[Dog barking in distance]

Come on, Joey, you're squishing me.

[Gasps]

[Groaning]

Sorry, lady.

Come on! Get up, you fat...

He's getting away!

[Panting]

[Horn honks]

Come on. Hop in.

I've been looking for you all over the place.

Huh?

We're gonna be late for our tee time.

Let's tee off.

What's with the suitcase?

Uh, when I jog, it gives me a better cardiovascular workout

- from the weight. - Oh.

Franklin!

Uh!

He got away now, Joey.

My head don't hurt no more.

How's it feel now?!

Come on. Let's go before we lose him. Come on, Joey!

All right, Pauly. All right.

[Classical music plays]

[Vehicles approaching]

Man; So let's tee off.

There they go.

All right, all right, all right already.

I'm sorry, Pauly.

It's like a public announcement

I got constantly in my ears.

Like a broken record, Joey.

Gary, look, man...

this whole golf thing is a bad idea.

I mean, come on, I-I didn't bring my sticks.

L- I don't have the right clothes.

The pro shop will fix you up.

Oh, but I didn't bring my wallet.

They're in my other pants. It was a nice idea...

- It's on me, buddy. Come on. - I...

[Up-tempo music plays] d Lovin' life d

d Lovin' life d

d La la la la la-la la la la d

d Lovin' life d

d Lovin' life d

d La la la la la-la la la la d

d Yeah d

d Oh, yeah d

d Mm-hmm d

d Life is pleasuring the child's pain d

d And so much better when you know the game d

d If you're ready, come and go with me d

d Come on, everybody, laugh and sing d

d You should be lovin' life d

d Lovin' life d

I look like Fat Albert.

You know, there's a striking resemblance.

[Classical music plays]

Wow. This is something.

Nice joint.

Hello. May we help you?

Uh, no, w-we're just looking around.

Were you considering membership?

Yeah, that's right. Mem... members. We want to be members.

Which of our members would be your sponsors?

[Classical music continues]

- The Mi-Millers. - Smiths.

- Heh heh. Mil... Miller-Smiths. - Miller-Smiths.

- Miller-Smiths. - Miller-Smiths.

- Miller-Smiths. - Oh. Oh.

So you're acquainted with the Miller-Smiths?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Well, they're very nice people.

Very nice. Terrific.

- Gary; Say, Derek... - I think we can arrange a tour.

Follow me.

- Thank you. - Right this way.

Mr. Pike, I hope we're not late.

Hell, no. There's still time for another bloody mary.

Pancho, another round of BMs over here.

No, no, no. I think it's Pablo, Don.

Pablo, Pancho, who cares

as long as the drinks are strong, right, Jerry?

Yes, sir. Mr. Pike, this is Derek Bond.

Uh, Derek, you already know Ron,

- our family dentist. - Good to see you.

Oh, a fellow dentist. That's marvelous.

Slap me five there, brother.

What if I just slap you?

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

Where'd you find this boy?

- Boy? - He's pure gold.

- I like him, Carey. - I think his name is Gary.

It's good to have a man of your persuasion along.

Uh, Don, look...

oh, wrap these up, Pancho.

We're teeing off.

And bring the clubs along, too, huh?

Come on there!

Come on, Pancho.

Stop thinking about those senoritas

and let's go.

[Translation] Son of a bitch. Idiot.

[Grunts]

You work hard for me, son,

and I want you to know that I appreciate it.

Thank you, Mr. Pike.

Now, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Tsk. The clients... they all like you.

God knows you're always available when I need you.

- I try, sir. - I have a little secret.

We just signed a new client...

Beaver Meadows... a frozen-food conglomerate.

- Really? - They're branching out into new product areas,

and they're starting a new yogurt chain...

91 choices... some crap like that.

I could have a conflict of interest.

My wife is in the yogurt business.

That's great! So you have the inside track!

Files are on your desk.

You got your work cut out for you.

First meeting, Tuesday morning.

Will we be ready?

Uh, yeah. We'll be ready.

It's just, you know, I have to, uh...

We'll be ready.

- [Birds chirping] - Your balls dirty?

What?

I wash my balls religiously.

I like 'em so clean

you can just [lnhales] Feel every dimple.

Thank you for sharing that with me.

The cleaner the ball, the better the play,

especially when you pull out that wood.

The quicker you get it in the hole

- with the least amount of strokes, the better, right? - Fore!

Are you trying to tell me something?

- Let me wash your balls for you. - Not as long as I have this stick, you won't.

- We'll wash them together. - Why don't you just chill out, okay?

I'll wash, you dry.

Trust me, you get a lot more distance out of it.

Yeah. Trust me, you about to get yourself hurt.

Come on. Just unzip your bag and pull out your balls. Come on.

Just back up!

All right. Jeez. Sorry.

Suit... suit yourself. I...

[Water swishing]

Lovely pink terrace, named after Sir Jonas Pink.

I love this color.

Yes.

Uh, home of our afternoon tea, exclusively for ladies...

- Hi, Stuart. - Hi, Stuart.

As you can see. Good afternoon.

Go-Good afternoon.

Ah, this damn sciatica.

... cash or credit. That includes all...

[Sighs]

[Clears throat]

Rrrrreerr.

... family plan...

[Groans softly]

Hey, guys, w-w-what kind of golf is this, man?

I mean, this is... this is boring.

We need to speed the game up, man. You ever play speed golf?

Yeah. No, I've heard of that.

It's like speed chess, right?

There you go, man. You right on time, man.

You know everything. Come on.

Everybody, we tee up at the same time.

Jump in the cars, we leave... now, it doesn't count

unless we all hit the ball at the same time, all right?

Don't look at anybody next to you.

This is a great game. You ready?

On the count of 3. This is gonna be great.

1...

2...

3.

Go!

[All grunt]

Don; That's the shot, huh?

- Gary; Nice shot, Mr. Pike. - Tough break, Chip.

Come on, let's go. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Leave the drink. Come on, you're not a caddie.

- Men's... - There he is. There he is.

Show us the course. Show us the course.

Oh, of course, the course.

[Up-tempo music plays]

Whoo-hoo!

Gary; Roller coaster!

Kevin; Come on. Let's go.

[Tires screech]

d Speed golf d

[Evil laughter]

Ha! Ha!

- Come on! - Wait for me!

Whoo-hoo! Let's go!

d Speed golf d

[Tires screech]

Speed golf!

Let's go, man. Go. Go!

Where's your ball?

Hit the ball!

[Grunting]

Don; Come on, Ron!

Kevin; Come on. Let's go.

Hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em.

Whoa!

[Tires screech]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Tires screech]

Ow-oooo-gaaahhh!

- Ha ha ha! - Whoa, yay!

Stuart; Boy, this is a treat. This is our ninth hole.

Notice the slight dogleg on the right.

Yep. Quite a little history here.

At the '72 Open,

Arnold Palmer made a hole in one.

I was just a boy, but...

Oh, yeah?

It made quite an impact on my life.

Make it stop, Joey.

- Wh-o-o-o-oa! - Good riddance.

- There he goes, Pauly! - Oh, yeah.

Hey! Hey!

This could affect your membership!

That's him!

[Gasps]

Whoa! What are you doing?!

Kevin; Speed golf. We can skip holes 3 to 6.

Hold on, guys!

[Don laughing]

Ooh!

Gary; Whoa! We lost Pike!

[Tires screech]

Pauly; Joey! Joey! Joey!

Oooooohhhh!

Stop them! Stop that cart!

Both: Whoooooaa!

Uh! Oh!

Must be some more guys playing speed golf.

Make it stop! I can't stop!

Man; Pull!

[Gunshots]

Hold it! They're shooting at us, Pauly!

- Pike... Pike... - [Groans]

You all right? You all right?

[Chuckling] I think my damn tooth is broken.

- This man needs a dentist. Ron, check him out. - Why don't you? - Yeah.

This is Pennsylvania. T- This is out of my jurisdiction.

L- I could lose my license.

Nah, you're the world-renowned dentist.

- You check him out. - Well...

- I'll just watch. - Well, fine, then.

Let a real dentist go to work.

Just step back, please. Everybody, just step back.

This man needs air!

He could have a heart attack. I've seen it before.

Oh, this is... this is bad.

- This is bad. Say "aaah." - Aaahh.

Oh! This is bad.

This man needs a Tic Tac!

Anybody have a Tic Tac, please?!

Do you think maybe the tooth needs to come out?

- Well, what do you think, doctor? - I asked you first.

See, that's why I have more papers

published in the journal, like maybe 50...

no, 70 in the last year to be exact,

because I can make a diagnosis. You know what I'm saying?

Okay. I-I'll look at him, okay?

[Groaning]

Ohh.

Ewwww.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

This man has a date with the tooth fairy, people!

Appears to be a horizontal fracture

with a periapical infection, a fistula draining,

and pulpal necrosis.

I think this man needs a root amputation

to avoid periodontal ligament trauma.

And if I were doing it,

I'd administer 7.2 CC's of X ylocaine

- with epinephrine. - Mm.

But... [Sighs]

Tch.

What do you think?

Well, let me see that, doctor.

Yeah, okay.

Yes, that's much better than tying a string to a doorknob

and just slamming it shut.

[Laughter]

- Ah, ha, ha. - Yes, Brenda?

Dr. Timmerman...

before you get started, uh, you have a visitor.

Ah, good.

[Giggles]

I'll... I'll be right back.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Uh, you might want to just get washed up first.

Brenda...

Go. You're embarrassing me.

Do your thing, Derek.

Hey, Gary!

Hee hee hee hee.

[Moans]

Gonna get clean now.

[Humming]

We want Franklin. We want Franklin.

- Franklin's up. He slams. Uhh! - Ah.

- [Gasps] - Have I got a surprise for you.

- Dr. Walter Kraft! - Who?

Walter Kraft...

University of Pittsburgh Dental School.

- He's here with his class. - Mm-hmm.

Walter...

I asked him to come over and watch the procedure.

Oh, that's... you're... that's great.

Yeah, when he heard that you were coming,

they all just piled in the van and came right over.

- Good. - You do remember Walter, don't you?

Kinda. You know...

Oh. Sure... I mean, he must have been teaching

when you went through the program.

Teach... oh. I was in independent studies.

Brenda!

- So advanced, I didn't have to go to class. - Ohh.

Would you go get some more topical anesthetic, please?

Excuse me.

No. No.

No. No. [Cries] Not now.

Wake up. Come on.

- Shh. Shh. It's okay. Shh. - [Mumbling]

- All right. All right. - [Mumbling]

Will you just shut up?!

[Door opens]

They're here.

- He's ready. - Brenda; Follow Dr. Timmerman.

Come on. Step in, everybody. Come along.

Come. Come. Hey.

Uh, it is my pleasure to introduce to you Dr. Derek Bond.

[Applause]

Woman; Doctor...

My brother.

- What's up? - Ha.

Dr. Kraft... what do you have to say to your most famous student?

Put on a little weight, eh?

Ha ha ha ha!

[Laughter]

So, now that, uh, Dr. Bond has anesthetized the patient,

- I will remove the maxillary right upper lateral incisor. - Excuse me.

Would it be possible for us

to see Dr. Bond perform the procedure?

All: Yay!

Oh, that's an excellent idea.

Me? Oh, no, no, no. Stop.

Thanks, my brother... the thing is,

with all these malpractice suits running around,

I get a headache

just thinking about working without a license

in another state.

Derek, come on.

Here, stick your mitts right in there.

- Ahh. - Yeah!

Thank you.

Right in there.

Well... let's get to work.

- Yes. - Ohh!

Dr. Kraft; Oh.

All right.

Never be ashamed to use two hands.

And I have small hands, so I had to develop

the Derek Bond's 2- handed grip.

Take your time. Always take your time.

Sometimes, you just want to make sure they're asleep.

Always touch them to reassure that you're their friend.

I'm your friend. I'm your friend.

- Mmm. - Get the thing here.

- [Whirring] - Whoa-ho!

Heh.

[Indistinct cheering]

- Yeah, Derek! - Wow.

Kevin; Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I want a list of every member who stepped foot on this golf course today.

- You hear me? - Every member!

[Stuart whimpering]

There it is! Just... give me it!

He's on this list, and it's gonna take us right to him.

[Muffled screaming]

When I was a kid and things got me down,

[Talking with mouth full] I'd come down here with one of these,

and inevitably, things wouldn't seem so bad anymore.

[Birds chirping]

There's a lot of opportunity in frozen yogurt.

- Uh-huh. - It's a big field, right?

- Uh-huh. - A Beaver Meadows product

won't really affect Emily's Yogurt Madness.

A little healthy competition might be good for her.

It'll keep her on her toes, right?

[Inhales sharply, coughing]

Derek...

what about your diet?

I have weaknesses. I have weaknesses.

I try to fight them, but sometimes they get the best of me.

Please don't judge me for this.

Judge you?

I'm glad to see you're not perfect.

[Bag crinkles]

It makes me feel a little better about myself.

You got some fries in that bag?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Don't worry. It'll be our little secret.

Thank you, man.

[Laughing]

You know, it's funny how much simpler things seemed

when we were kids.

Those were the days, right?

Those were the days.

Cabin 6.

Cabin 6!

- d Oh, Mapleridge, oh, Mapleridge d - d Oh, Mapleridge d

- d We come to you each summer d - d You... summer d

- d Oh, Mapleridge, oh, Mapleridge d - d Oh, Mapleridge, oh, Mapleridge d

- d Where all our friends are brothers d - d Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee d

- d We like to ride a horse or two d - d There be shoo-bee-doo-bee wha-bee-do d

- d Or maybe row in a canoe d - d Su bee wa wa be doo d

[Music plays]

d La la, la la, la la d

d La la, la la, la la d

d La la, la la d

[Chuckling] Oh, man.

I feel bad... I mean, I invite you here.

You make the trip, but now I have to go to work.

Come on, Gary!

After 25 years of friendship, man?

Come on, man, it can't affect us.

It's too deep. Too deep, my brother.

[Chuckles]

You know, what I can't get over

is what a good sport you've been about everything.

Let me tell you something.

There's no place I'd rather be right now

than here with you and your family.

Larry, I know you there.

Larry, pick up the phone. Larry, pick up the phone.

Hey, Sarah, I'm talking to my imaginary friend, Larry.

Tea?

Tea? Yes.

Ooh, these cups are so big.

Go ahead.

Larry, la...

Ow! Ow! Ow! It's cold!

- Sorry. - Ow! Ow! Ow, it's cold!

Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Sarah, wait. Sarah, can I talk...

Sarah, wait...

Daddy, Derek's funny.

I'll see you guys at dinner.

I thought you were gonna take me to ballet class.

Yeah, Dad, I thought you were taking me to the park

- to play basketball. - We were outside.

We agreed that you would do it so that I could work.

How come I'm the one who's always supposed to take off work?

What about that solidarity day we were all supposed to have?

I see you're really making a huge effort.

- Suddenly, it's a competition. - No, no. That's... not the point.

- Just go already, Dad. - Okay, there must be some way that we can work this out.

Dry this here...

Derek?

Maybe you wouldn't mind...

Please, Derek.

Yeah. No problem. Sure. I mean, I'll drive the car pool.

[Chuckles] How hard could that be?

All; d I'm baking up my baby bumblebee... d

Guys, it's my ear!

- [Rock music plays] - d Bee... d

Ja... Jason, leave it... leave it on the soul station.

- d Na na na na! d - I said leave the radio alone, all right?!

- He was already there. There, too. - [Snoring]

Unh-unh.

- [Singing continues] - Sarah, stop.

You're gonna make me have an acc...

stop it. You're gonna make me have an accident.

- d Bee! d - [Shouting indistinctly]

Uh-oh. Jason, I think it's time for a driving lesson.

- What? - I-I mean, every young man should know how to drive,

and this is a nice, quiet street.

- That's the best part of bein' a kid, right, man? - Ouch, ouch, ouch.

You get over there. I'll get over here. [Grunts]

- But I'm 11! - I'll drive!

My feet won't reach the pedals.

Just tell me when the light turns green.

All: Scaredy-cat! Jason is a scaredy-cat!

- The light's green. - Okay.

[Tires screech, Sarah laughs]

Pauly, there goes their car!

- Well, follow him! - [Tires screech]

- [Horn blares, tires screech] - Watch it!

Loosen up, now. Loosen up a little bit. Become one with the road!

- All right. - [Tires screech]

- Not that loose! - [Girls screaming]

- [Horn blares] - Get back on the road!

[Thud, tires screech]

- Aah! - [Horn blares, girls laugh]

- [Tires screech] - Caress the wheel like you would a woman.

- [Horn honks] - Not like a pervert!

L- I never caressed a woman before!

- You don't drive. You don't caress women. What do you do? - I play video games!

[Tires screech]

- Come on, now! - [Grunts]

[Tires screech, girls laugh]

- [Screams] - Oh!

Hey!

- Jason; Sorry! - [Girls laugh]

- Go around this guy! Go around! - [Engine revs]

- Joey, you're losin' them! - [Tires screech]

Yellow light! Yellow light! Yellow light!

Girls; Yellow light! Yellow light!

[Tires screech, girls laugh]

Thanks.

[Car door closes]

Huh?

Hi.

What? What? What? What?

Don't worry. Just a bunch of kids out joy ridin'.

What's the world comin' to, Pauly?

Thank you very much, Mr. Aphistopheles.

Who?

You know, you're so stupid.

He's only the most major philosophist around alive today.

Look, I'm gonna split, okay? Uh, you got some change on you?

You know, just in case the car breaks down, got to call home, know what I'm saying?

- But nothing's gonna happen. It's gonna be cool. - Okay.

- It's gonna be cool. All right? - All right. See you later.

Have fun. Gonna be cool.

Hey, there's a pigeon.

- Check this out. - Come on.

[Grunts] Hey, thanks.

Can I get the ball?

Sorry.

- Come on. Please. Come on! - [Laughs]

- Give me the ball back, guys. - Too late.

- Come on! - [Ball bouncing]

- Give me the ball back! - Hey, Jason...

is there a problem here?

Oh, hey. Hey. Is this your mommy, come to wipe your nose?

- No! - Oh, oh, oh.

Pickin' on little dudes. You just bad, ain't you?

- Oh, yeah. - Can I see the ball there?

Ooh! He's so strong.

Tell you what... since y'all are such tough guys,

how about if we play a little basketball, you know?

Me and my man against all five of you.

[Murmuring]

- I mean, I really, really suck. - [Boys murmuring]

Let me tell you something right now... you do not suck. Never say that, okay?

Basketball is up here, man. It's about confidence, all right?

Now, I've watched you play in the driveway. You have game.

Relax. Relax, okay?

Stick your tongue out like Michael Jordan.

- Now, whose house is this? - [Muffled] My house.

Put your tongue back in your mouth. Whose house is this? Say it like you mean it.

- My house! - Whose ball is this?

My ball! My ball! My ball!

Let's go play. All right.

I play much better when there's something at stake, so let's make a bet.

If you guys win, we'll give you, um...

that red Volvo over there.

But that's my dad's car!

It's all right.

And if we win, we get, um... your clothes.

- Our clothes? - Oh, he's a genius. He's the smart one.

[Laughs] Okay. Oh, it's make it, take it, which means if we score, we keep it.

Check! We're ready. Aah!

All: Aah!

- There it is. - The mailman!

- Oh, that's sweet. - Yeah!

Come on, baby. Pick and roll. There you go. Here's the pick.

See ya. [Laughs] Yeah!

- Here comes the roll... right there. - Man!

- Big guy. - [Grunts]

- Tough guy. Chest pass. - [Grunts]

Is that four?

Oh!

[Up-tempo music plays]

[Grunting]

In your face, porker!

- Give me some. - Hello.

Aah!

Put it up!

Sky.

Boo-yah!

Yes!

Man, you did good.

If you work really hard and practice a lot,

who knows?

One day you might play for the Chicago Bulls.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Hey, come on! Can we please have our clothes back?!

Maybe a best out of three!

Both: Nah!

- [Laughs] - Remember I threw that pass around my back?

[Silverware rattling]

[Piano music plays]

Gary, you know what I heard today? Beaver Meadows is going into the yogurt business.

- [Coughs] - Wow.

[Humming]

And your firm is going to represent them.

- I didn't know that. - Who do you think they assigned to it?

Uh, Jerry?

- Yeah, I think it's Jerry. - Your best friend at the firm?

Don't you think Jerry would've called me?

- [Telephone ringing] - I mean, Beaver Meadows is huge. They will swallow us alive.

Did you know the last thing Edgar Allan Poe ate before he died was broccoli?

Then don't eat it.

I can't believe Jerry would do that to us.

Mom, Dad, Derek taught me how to drive today.

- W... - Left turns are tough at 50, huh, big guy?

[Chuckles] It's... um, we were...

Derek, it's for you. It's Larry from the tattoo parlor.

Cool.

[Silverware rattles]

O- Oh. Um, cat's out the bag.

Um, it was gonna be a gift to my hosts from their houseguest.

[Laughing] I can't believe he just called.

"Larry from the tattoo parlor"? You couldn't think of anything better than that?

Yo, man, where you been? I've been trying to call you all day.

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, man! - No, no! Don't hang up!

It was you who put my name down on your loan request!

- Larry, don't... I'm sorry, man! - I'm hanging up!

No, no! Don't hang up! I'm sorry, man! I'm under pressure!

I got paying customers! They're payin' me money right now!

You're gonna have to come pick me up. I'm running out of time.

Besides, I-I'm turnin' into Mary Poppins out here.

- [Engine revs, glass breaks] - Aah!

- Oh, my God! - Larry, you still there?

We gotta talk!

Yes! No problem! Sure!

All right. 9:30 tonight.

- Where? - Mickey D's.

- Which one? - They only have one.

I'm tellin' you, man, this is like "Leave It to Beaver" Land out here.

- Now, hurry. - Is everything all right?

Hurry? No, no, no. You don't tell me to hurry!

I tell you to hurry.

Okay? Bye.

This is a Harley!

- [Fabric tearing] - What the hell is this?!

- Ooh. - [Telephone rattles]

[Weakly] A Harley...

European style.

It's very thoughtful,

but you really don't need to give us anything, really.

Well, I just... you know...

Look, Derek... about Emily and this Beaver Meadows thing...

I just want you to know that in 18 years of marriage,

I had never lied to my wife.

[Brooke shouting]

Please, timeout!

You know... man, you know, right before Anne Sexton killed herself,

she asked her daughter to promise that the words

"Rats live on no evil star" would be written on her grave.

[Voice breaking] That's a major thing to ask.

I mean, they must've had an amazing mother/daughter connection.

[Crying] Not like us!

Forget it! I'm never talking to any of you guys ever again!

What did you say to her?

Nothing. I didn't say anything.

I'm her mother. It... it makes me the enemy.

[Sighs]

Derek...

you seem to have... such a connection with her.

Maybe you could talk to her.

Yeah. No problem. Sure.

d I feel the pain of everyone d

- [Knock on door] - Hello?

d And later I feel nothing d

- Mind if I turn this down? - [Volume decreases]

Hey.

Uh, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh!

[Music continues]

Listen... I mean, what could be so wrong, okay?

You got this, um, beautiful room here.

So bright and airy.

And you got these... great pictures of these dead guys on the wall,

and you got these, uh, things I don't understand that you wrote down, and you...

oh, these decapitated Barbie dolls.

I mean, this is what every teenage girl lives for.

I mean, it can't get much better than this, right?

[Music continues]

[Sobs]

W... W... I'm sorry.

L- I shouldn't have been telling jokes.

I'm sorry. I say something wrong?

[Crying] No.

It's... my dad and mom and [Sobs]

And Steve doesn't love me anymore.

Steve. Are you sure?

Yes. But he's been... he's been, like,

hanging in town every day with Kelly Friedlander,

and [Sobs] She's a lot prettier than me.

And you know... I don't know, Derek.

It just... it really hurts.

Oh, come here.

Listen. Listen... listen to me, okay?

I can't see any woman being finer than you.

I mean, you are a beautiful woman,

and you got it going on, all right?

You're just with the wrong guy.

I mean, none of the women I've ever dated

would put up with his mess.

No?

Oh, no, no, no, no. No way, no how.

[Snaps fingers] See ya.

Look, maybe you could just kill him for me.

[Laughs]

You're playin', right?

You're playin', right?

Look... this guy is a slime bag, and you know that.

And I know there's a lot of other guys who'd like to be dating you right now.

And there's got to be some guys that you're interested in.

I know there's another guy out there somewhere, right?

[Sighs] Well, there's Charles.

See? I knew... look, I knew you had some other guy in your pocket.

Now, tell me about Charles.

Charles Baudelaire.

He's the great poet of moral decay.

[Voice breaking] He would definitely understand me.

[Sobs]

Look, you got to get over this thing for dead guys.

I mean, why don't we try s- some live guys?

W... Charles Barkley.

- What? - H-He's like a poet?

You ever seen his commercials? All right?

Now, look, when I come back, I promise you we're gonna work on that dead-guy thing, all right?

We're gonna get you out there and get you to movies with guys who are still breathing, okay?

And we'll get you some pastel colors... at least some dark grays.

- [Volume increases] - Here you go... meditation music!

You're gonna be all right, okay?

Remember... live guys. Breathing.

[Inhales, exhales]

[Laughs]

[Music continues]

Kevin; I'm so glad to be leaving this place, man.

Don't make any sense. Flowers on the wall.

What kind of man... this is like a little child's room.

Too many pillows. Take all day to make up this bed, man.

I'm glad I'm going.

Little midget bed.

I don't know why I buy these things. I don't ever win, anyway.

Big spin.

Big spin.

Big spin.

Big spin...

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Baby, baby, baby!

Oh, yes! I'm gonna be on TV!

Kevin Franklin in the house!

Yes! I'm in the house! I'm definitely in the house!

This is the way we...

- Hey, buddy. ...loosen up.

What happened to your nose?

Jason threw a basketball at my face for no apparent reason...

some sort of new bounce pass or checking or something.

Well, you know, he's working on his game.

- So, who's Kevin Franklin? - Kevin Franklin?

Yeah. I heard you say... Kevin Franklin was in the house.

You busted me.

Kevin Franklin is a millionaire,

and I often fantasize about being him.

I mean, I often pretend to be other people.

I mean, you... you probably do the same thing, don't you? I mean...

Well, yes. Actually, I have.

[Chuckles]

I often fantasize about being Matlock.

There you go.

You know, the thing I admire most about you, Derek,

is your honesty... your openness.

Oh, the things you've shared with me, the things you've called me on.

I think being around you has made me a better person.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[Chuckles]

[Rumbling]

Sarah; Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him!

- Use... use the knocker. - I'll knock, but you just say "please" once.

- Please knock. - Thank you.

Pain in my neck.

Pay attention.

[Latch clicks]

Oh [Chuckles] Hello, little girl.

Is there a tall black man named Kevin here by any chance?

- No! - Please... please excuse me. Joey...

- Aah! Ow! - Caught your fingers there, huh, Pauly?

- Run for your lives! - Squished!

Ooh! Smashed him!

What is it now?

Where is he? 'Cause I gotta tell you somethin'.

Nobody does that to my big brother, Pauly.

- Joey... - You hear what I'm sayin', Pauly?

- Whoa! - Whoa! - Bad man.

- [Both stammering] - Mommy says you shouldn't play with guns.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Aah!

Whoa. [Whistles]

- [Grunting] - I'm dead.

- Oh, you're killin' me, Joey. - [Growls, barks]

- Not on purpose! - We got a snapper, Joey!

- It's a ratmueller! It's a ratmueller! - Stop him!

- [Barking] - I don't do good with ratmuellers! Aah!

- [Laughs] - [Laughs]

- Okay. Tell 'em goodbye. - [Squeals]

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo. You know what?

Your mommy's right. You should never play with guns.

I'm gonna get rid of it, okay?

Derek, is your real name Kevin?

[Chuckles] Hold that thought, okay?

[Up-tempo music plays]

[Clicks]

[Click, gunshot]

Whoa.

- Watch TV. - [Music plays on television]

- What was that? - What was that boom?

Two bad men came to the door, and I took their gun.

[Chuckles] Oh, no. It was...

there's two bad men on the cartoon. It's so real.

- It's like... - [Laughing] Oh.

Yeah. I...

- Move! - What?

[Music continues]

Um, I'm going for a little night jog.

Are you coming back?

You bet.

- Kevin... - Huh?

I'm really good at keeping secrets.

[Chuckles]

- [Barking] - Good dog, Carl. How many times we got to go through this?

[Engine turns over]

[Car door closes]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What happened to your eye, Larry? Let me see that.

- [Laughing] What happened to you? - Some people just don't appreciate good art.

[Laughing] I guess not.

So...

where's you wants me to drive, Miss Daisy?

Real funny, man. Just keep driving.

- It's not my fault you're in trouble, man. I'm just trying to help. - Yeah, right.

You know, Kevin, one day you're gonna realize that friendship is about give and take.

But all you do is take... take, take, take!

Hey, man, where'd you get those shoes from? Those are nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Angelic music plays]

- Stop the car, man. - Stop the car?

Stop the car!

Stop the car now!

Okay!

This makes sense now, brother. I'm telling you, it makes sense, man.

Look, you know, Poseidon was an orphan, too.

Thank you. Can we go now, Kevin?

I came here with a class one time, and Sister Mary Winters was trippin'.

Do you know what the only difference between him and me is?

He's Greek, he's white, and he's a god.

He never tried to pass himself off as somebody he wasn't.

Man, that was a down brother.

Kevin... thank you for that remarkable insight! Now, can we go?!

I bet you he never let people down when they were countin' on him.

Those two Italian brothers come around here looking for you again,

I swear to God I don't even know you, and I mean that.

Larry, I got to go back, man.

What?! Why?!

The man's marriage is in trouble, man. I'm his oldest friend in the world.

You're my oldest friend in the world.

You're only pretendin' to be his oldest friend in the world!

So? He's still in trouble.

And he's got this daughter, Brooke. Man, the girl is messed up.

- So what? - I lied to a 5-year-old child, man.

Look, I told her I would be back, man. You can mess a kid up, man. I know.

Give me the keys. I got to go.

- I don't want to talk about it. - Kevin... Kevin... Kevin!

Kevin! You lie to everybody, man.

You badger me, you have me compromise myself as an artist,

and you had me risk my life to save you!

And this is how you treat me?! This is how you pay me back?!

Hey, brother, forget about it, huh? You forget it.

If you see me on the other side of the street, you just keep on steppin'!

I mean that, Kevin!

You don't get it, do you?

No. No, I don't get it.

Why don't you tell me... why the hell are you going back there?!

You said it yourself, man.

All my life, man, all I've ever done is take, take, take.

Kevin... Kevin needs this. Kevin needs this. Kevin's gonna make a million dollars.

Man, I thought if I made some money, man,

that would change things... how people thought about me.

I could be somebody, all right?

Well, I was wrong, man.

I learned something these past few days, man.

It's about friendship... about our friendship,

about the friendship I made with that family, man...

that's what it's about.

That's why I got to go back, Larry. I have to go back.

- I'll call you. - All right.

You know, man, relationships are about give and take.

Now, I know you see it my way. It's about compromise, see?

- Look how we're friends now. - [Gulps]

We sit down and enjoy a meal together. That's what men are supposed to do.

Now, you, you like to chase women, and me, I like to chase women.

But it's probably different, 'cause dogs, they don't even have to ask permission.

You just run 'em down. If the girl can't run, that's your woman.

Want some cake?

Derek; Thank you for coming in on a holiday like this.

I hope it wasn't too much of an imposition.

[Chuckles] No. No, it's...

Here you go, Dr. Bond. The ones on the bottom are faxes from your clipping service.

Ah. [Chuckles]

[Whistling]

[Door closes]

Ha.

[Whistling]

[Whistling stops]

[Whistling resumes]

[Whistles descending tone]

[Laughs]

[Bells jingle]

Yo! What's up?! ST-3 in the house!

- G-Money, man, how you doin'? - Yo, what's up, kid?

- I been lookin' for you. [Laughs] - What's goin' on, man?

- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. This your woman? - Oh, this is Kelly.

Yeah, you kinda phat.

- Hi. [Chuckles] - Yo.

What, she don't know what I'm talkin' about?

- She ain't up. She ain't up. - Oh. All right.

Aah! Not all of us can be down.

- Come on. You want to go regulate? - Regulate.

You know, go mix it up, man. Go look for some new h-iz-oneys, you know what I'm sayin'?

Oh, uh, y-y-yeah, man. I'm down. Let me just deal with the thingy-thing, you know?

[Both laugh]

Check it... me and my boy need to take a cruise, all right?

[Mumbling]

- It's a nice ride, G-Money. This is nice. - Word up, B.

Yeah, man. Look, I want to talk to you about somethin'.

What's up, yo? What's on your mind?

- Talk about women. - Aw, sookie, sookie, now.

- Know what I'm sayin'? - Check this out.

- [Tires screech] - Whoa! Is you crazy, man?!

- Whoo! - I mean, like... like, chill, B.

Say you're eating a dinner... a chicken dinner.

This is your main meal. That's Brooke.

- Yo, kid... - Know what I'm sayin'?

- There's a truck comin', man. - That's all right. We're gonna beat this, man.

- There's a truck, man. There's a truck! - Might not make it. Might not make it!

- [Horn blares] - Aah!

- No. - [Tires screech]

- Yo, B! - What?

- You be on the train tracks, yo! - What?

You know, you're right! These country roads all look the same!

Now, where was I?

- [Whimpers] Chicken. - Chicken... that's right.

Say you're at home and you're gonna make yourself a gourmet meal tonight.

- Right. - You got yourself some golden bird.

- This is, like, free-range, no chemicals. This is a bad bird. - [Weakly] Bad bird.

- And know what? You're greedy. - Greedy.

- And you're smellin' this bird, so you can't wait. So know what you do? - I-I don't know what I do.

You go down and get yourself some Chicken McNuggets.

Yo, man, if you're hungry, we can go to Mickey D's, man! We can go to Ronald McDonald's!

No, man! You're missin' the whole point here, S.T.

- [Whimpers] - I got it! I got it!

[Laughs] I'm okay! Whoo! Look!

- We're goin' 50 miles an hour! I can't even feel it! - I-I can feel it!

- That's 'cause your body's young, you know? - I have a young butt. I have a young butt.

I have a very young butt!

- [Train horn blows] - [Gasps]

- Aha! - There is a train.

- Train. - What? Truck?

- Train... there's a train comin', B! - Truck?

Yo, there's a train comin', B!

[Bell ringing]

- Train! Train! - I can't see it! I need my glasses.

- There is a train! - Now, let me get to the point here.

- Train... - Now, Brooke, that's that gourmet meal you got waitin' at home

- [Wheezing] - She thinks she's the only dish you have.

[Train horn blares]

And know what you're doing because you're the mack?

- No... the train. - You been goin' out with a Chicken McNugget.

Go out with a nugget! I'm with a nugget! Kelly's a greasy nugget!

- Oh, it's unhealthy! - It's unhealthy!

- There you go. - It's unhealthy! There you go.

I'm just gonna stop and take a look, man. This is some beautiful country out here.

- [Train horn blares] - Where are you going, sir?!

We need to talk, man.

- [Horn blares] - I think two men should talk.

- I have a chance to teach you something. You know what I'm talking about?

- Now, how old are you, man... 16? 18? - I'm 16 years old, sir!

You have these raging hormones, man. I know you want to be a man.

[Horn blares]

- You know what a man spends most of his life doing? - What?!

- He begs. - I'm begging you! I'm begging you for my keys!

- No, no, no, no, no. - Please give me my keys!

You don't beg me. You beg your woman.

I w... I will beg my woman!

- For forgiveness! - I will beg Brooke for forgiveness!

- You beg for forgiveness! - [Screams]

- [Laughs] - [Sobs]

- [Horn blares] - You didn't have to worry about the train.

I'm glad we learned something here. You're not from the 'hood, okay?

- Yeah. - Be yourself.

Now, you want me to drive or you to drive?

I'll drive. You look shook up. I'll drive.

Now, how do I get back to the city from here?

We got a couple more things to take care of. This is a bumpy road, man.

[Indistinct voices]

Yeah! Yeah! Get down, man! Get...

What's up? I'm looking for a Gary Young.

He's upstairs in the stacks. You'll find him. He's the only one here.

Gary?

Gary; d She's a brick... house d

d Mighty, mighty, lettin' it all hang out d

d She's a brick... hou-u-se d

- d She's mighty mighty... d - [Laughs] Gary.

Hey! What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you about something. I'm just gonna come out and say it, man.

- You're messing up big-time. - What do you mean?

Jason, man, he thinks he's gonna let you down if he doesn't become the next Michael Jordan.

And Brooke, the girl is wearing black, hanging out in graveyards like a vampire.

Kind of scary, Gary. All they want you to do is say that you love them. Oh, I'm not through yet.

When your wife, Emily, finds out that you have taken over this Beaver Meadows account,

you're gonna be in the doghouse big-time, brother.

Emily will understand.

It's not like I have a whole hell of a lot of choice in the situation.

Oh, Gary, please. Will you quit lying to yourself?

If you take over this Beaver Meadows account,

you'll just be selling your wife down the river.

But I made a promise to Mr. Pike.

Come on, Gary. If you turn this account down, I mean, what's he gonna do, fire you?

Yeah, probably.

O- Okay.

S- So you have a little less income.

You'll still be rich because of your family.

You'll be rich in love.

[Brakes squeak]

Yeah.

[Exhales deeply]

[Bells jingle]

...People's response to biodegradable... - Mr. Pike...

- Hey. - Oh. - What are you doing here?

Mother and I were checking out the competition. [Laughs]

Jerry, my boy, hand me a napkin.

- Hey! - It's Gary, not "little boy."

Seven long years ago,

you duped me into believing I had a future

at Pike, Petersen, Kidde, and Peabody.

But you never had any intention of making me a senior partner!

See, that's... this is f...

Oh, and did I mention that you're a bigot

- [Grunts] - And a backstabbing buffoon?

- Hoo-hoo! - Whoo!

Yes!

Well, if you'll excuse me now,

I have a loving wife to whom I owe a serious apology.

Gary, this isn't like you.

I know.

- [Cone crunches] - Come on, mother. Let's go home. - Oh, Dad.

[Bells jingle]

I have been such a...

well, the word "jerk" springs to mind.

[Laughs]

I think I was picking on you because...

I felt threatened by your success.

Gary?

Can you forgive me?

Of course.

But... honey...

you just quit your job.

Well, I'm applying for a new one.

- What? Where? - In-house counsel for Emily's Yogurt Madness,

the fastest-growing chain in the Tristate Area.

Oh, yeah? What makes you think they're gonna hire you?

I'll take my chances,

'cause you're a brick... hou-u-se.

- d She's a brick... house d - You might have some soul after all.

- [Laughs] - All right.

Come here.

- Aw! - Aw! - Aw! - Oh!

- d Just lettin' it all hang out... d - Oh! Oh!

d She's a brick... d

[Brakes squeak]

[Birds chirping]

[Car door opens]

[Chuckles]

[Emily laughs]

Aah.

Sucking up to the new boss, huh?

- Old habits die hard. - Uh, guys...

I'm not the good friend you think I am.

- No. You're better. - No. Seriously, man. I need to tell you something.

Come on, big guy. Don't go all mushy on us.

- [Laughing] Oh, look at Jason's skateboard! - That kid! Guys... Emily... Gary...

- [Emily laughing] - Gary, listen to me. Gary? Gary?

[Emily gasps]

Jason.

- Gary, will you... - Oh, God.

I want you to know I don't care if you grow up to be a star basketball player.

Look at me. I don't care what you grow up to be, as long as you grow up happy.

Dad...

Aah! What do you want?

- Oh, Carl. - [Whimpering]

- Got a loaded weapon, you got three beautiful kids. Don't even try to run, there, big guy. - Oh, no.

Let me tell you, this guy right here is a pain in the neck. I was gonna have to shoot him.

I would strongly suggest that you reconsider these hostile and antisocial tough-guy antics.

I, for one, am not impressed.

- You see what I'm sayin'? - You must be Kevin Franklin.

No, this is Derek Bond, D.D.S.

- Who's Derek Bond, D.D. S? - He is.

- Who? - Derek Bond, D.D. S.!

- You are? - No, he's not!

- Yes, he is! Who are you? - Huh?

- He says he's Derek. - He can't be, 'cause he's an idiot.

And he talks too much.

This is nonsense! I am the real Derek Bond, D.D.S.,

and I strongly suggest that you lower that damnable weapon before you hurt someone.

Joey, I-I gotta do it. I got... hmm...

- Gary, I need to tell... - No, let me handle this. Let me handle this.

If you're Derek Bond,

then sing the Camp Mapleridge song.

- Yeah! - That's ridiculous!

- That was 25 years ago! - Uh-huh.

d Oh, Mapleridge, oh, Mapleridge d

- d We come to you each summer d - Honey...

- Honey... honey... - d Oh, Mapleridge, oh, Mapleridge d

- Honey... - d Where all our friends... d

- [Gunshot] - Aah! - Oh!

[Hissing]

This is asinine!

This man is an impostor!

- Finally... someone with a little sense. - [Door closes]

I checked with the American Dental Association registry,

and the photo of Derek Bond, D.D.S.,

shows a much uglier man.

You!

T- T-Truly a great pleasure to meet the real you at last!

Ah.

- [Grunts] - Well, gotta run.

- Unh-unh. - I-I gotta run the 5K.

Right here, pal. Nobody's goin' nowhere.

Now, grab Franklin. Let's get out of here.

Wait.

Are you really Kevin whatchamacallit?

Yes.

I'm Kevin Franklin.

You lied to us?

We invited you into our home. We threw a party for you. We introduced you to our friends.

We trusted you with our kids.

We... we played golf together.

And you lied to us.

Tsss.

Look, Gary... l'm sorry.

L- I didn't mean to hurt you or your family.

It's... I want you to know something.

I appreciate everything that you've done for me.

All right! All right! All right! All right! Enough w-with the sentiments, all right?!

He lied to you! Big deal, all right?! Just... just... just... just forget it!

Givin' me a big, fat headache. Everybody's just makin' me nuts, okay?

Now, grab Franklin and let's get out of here! Please!

And if I was youse,

I would stay out of it before somebody gets pissed.

- "Were you." - Excuse me?

The subjunctive... "if I were you."

- I'm gonna kill him. - Brooke!

- [Whimpers] - Brooke! Brooke, please, please just listen to me. Just listen to me.

I am sorry. I am sorry.

I've done a lot of things wrong, and I'm apologizing right now.

I realize that I treated you really bad... I mean, like, really, really Yucky.

L- I'm begging you. I am begging right now... there it is! There it is!

I am begging you, a-ight? I mean, all right?

Please, will you forgive me?

Unh-unh. No way, no how. See ya.

Unh-unh. No way, no how. See ya.

All right! All right! Come on, Romeo! You're breakin' my heart!

- Grab him and let's get out of here, Joey. - [Weakly] What's going on here?

Come on!

- I'll miss you. - I'm gonna miss you, too, Sarah.

- Yeah. Come on. Beat it, kid. - Honey... honey, please.

I appreciate everything you've done. Bye.

- Bye, guys. Bye. - Aw, come on! Come on!

My legs are killin' me. Let's get out of here.

[Door closes]

Well...

you know, I haven't had a milkshake in three weeks.

I'm gonna run in this race if it kills me.

Is the back door open?

Let's go!

Pauly; Get in the back!

Just get in the back!

- [Car doors closing] - He really wasn't such a bad guy.

He understood me.

He taught me the bounce pass.

He watched cartoons with me.

He made me stand up to my boss.

You...

[Exhales sharply] Don't stare at me.

I'm not the two-bit criminal who's into the mob for $50,000.

50 grand? Is that the problem?

Well, if 50 grand is all that stands between my oldest friend and his life, then...

Kevin Franklin is your oldest friend?

[Chuckles] That man bamboozled you.

Well, at least he had good reason.

I'm a Young, damn it, not a worm.

Someone attacks one of my friends, they attack me.

I'm going after him.

- Jason; I'm going, too! - Brooke; Me too, Dad! - [Carl barks]

Honey, wait!

- We're coming, too! - Wait for me, Daddy!

Let's go, Carl!

- [Carl barking] - Wait for me! - Come on! Hurry!

[Tires screech, engine revs]

- [Whistle blows] - Hey, Pauly. Pauly.

What, Joey?

Come on. Hey! Hey! You can't go there!

I was just gonna say that you can't turn there.

Well, why didn't you tell me before?! What's the matter with you?

- You never listen. - Shut up! Just shut up!

- [Engine revs, tires screech] - Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Hey, I got to get through here. - Nobody gets through till after the race. Come on.

You can't le... you can't leave your car! Hey!

Hey, buddy, you can't leave your car here! Hey!

[Children shouting]

- Whoa! - Yeah!

Man; Runners, prepare to take your marks.

Runners, to your marks.

Race time in five minutes.

Ah, ah, ah.

Five minutes to race time.

Shoot him.

Yeah, but, Pauly, uh, we should go somewhere else,

because if I was to shoot him here, it would be all messy.

- Here, Pauly. - Joey, we'll take it to a carwash! Just shoot him!

All right, you proud runners of Sewickley,

you're... off!

- [Gasps] - Aah!

- [Grunts] - [Grunts]

- What was that? - You lost him again.

[Crowd cheering]

Man; Hey!

- Aah! - Hey, watch it. Watch it.

Sorry. [Laughs]

- [Crowd cheering] - Come on, buddy. Let's go.

What? Who? Gary.

- Hey. - Comin' through.

- Get 'em, Joey! - I can't get 'em! They're gone!

There they go! Get 'em!

Hey, Gary, old buddy, Y- You can't be in the race without a number.

You too. Now, go get 'em!

[Tires screech, engine revs]

[Thud, wood clatters]

Hey, there they are.

- This way! - [Crowd shouting and whistling]

Hey!

Let's go. Come on, now. Come on, now. Let's go. Let's go.

Course violation!

[Crowd shouting]

Pump those arms! Come on, now! Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig!

Ow!

- Is that him? That's him. - That's him.

[Crowd cheering]

I got a little cramp.

- [Panting] - This way. I know what you need.

[Both breathing heavily]

Mmm.

I know these people.

- [Tires screech] - Oh! There they go! There they go!

All right. Right through here.

It's all right. These people are friends of mine, so we'll just mingle.

- Okay. Mingle. - Let's get some chicken.

[Tires screech]

- Woman; Hey, Bobby! - Now, listen,

you were running away, you stumbled on us,

and you ended up helping us more than we helped you,

so come on.

There's got to be some way out of this.

[Exhales deeply] Well... there's one way.

What?

Just find 'em, would ya?

Oh, it's pretty, oh, look! Barbecue!

This ticket could be worth $ 1 million.

Hello, girls.

- Hi. - [Chuckles]

- There he is! - Oh, man!

[Panting]

[Crowd cheering]

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Gary "Benedict Arnold" Young!

- You cheater! - Is that...

What's another $950,000, more or less?

You're already rich. So you have a little less income.

You're still a rich man

because of your incredible friends,

your family, the Young family.

You're rich in love.

Mayor; And in a show

of good sportsmanship, our winners are

our own Gary Young and his houseguest, Derek Bond!

Hey!

You saw it, right?! Are you blind?!

- When I get through with you, you're dead meat... - Happy, no.

... quiverin' on the highway.

[Crowd cheering]

[Breathing heavily]

Aah!

- Pauly! Pauly! - Aah!

Oh! Happy... Happy, I got him right here. Hold on a minute.

The pinhead put me on hold.

Stick 'em up. Come on. Let's go. Come on.

- Not you. - Oh.

- In the car, pal. - Wait. Kevin...

- Huh? - Kevin...

Huh?

Oh.

I might have something you'd be interested in.

Not interested. N. I... . No interest. No interest. No interest.

- Lottery ticket. - Lotto schmotto.

Lotto? Good. Get it.

Let me see this.

W... Happy... I'm tellin' you,

you're gonna be v- very happy here... e- extremely happy, Happy.

["Jingle Bell Day" plays]

d Jingle bells... d

[Tires screech]

- Whoo! - [Metal crunching]

Right. [Laughs]

Hey, yeah! Brand-new car, same old driver.

Man, you almost tore this car up parking.

What you talkin' about? I didn't hit nothing. That's the way a Porsche parks.

Yeah.

Hey, hey!

"Kevin Franklin In the House... Handbook for Houseguests"!

This book paid for this Porsche, didn't it?

- Well, you know, success does have its advantages. - Yeah, yeah. Right, right, right.

- Hey, this is a great house, Kevin. - Hey, respect the people's house, okay?

- Emily; Merry Christmas, Kevin. - [Children shouting]

- Merry Christmas, everybody! - How you doin'?

Barnes & Noble has been sold out of these for three weeks.

- Oh, bestseller. - This is a hot...

Hey, you telling them stories again?

[Laughs]

This whole book thing... that was my idea.

What's going on? Are they playing "It's a Wonderful Life" again?

Oh, no, man. It's "The Big Spin."

Three dumb guys could win a million bucks.

[Laughs] Isn't America wonderful, brother?

Man on television; Pauly and Joey Gasperini here, and let's see what happens!

- Come on! - Around and around she goes. Where she stops, nobody knows.

- No... - And it's going around... around and around!

No! No!

It's coming down to the wire.

[Cheers and applause]

Ha ha!

- $ 1 million! - Hey!

Yes! Oh, it's not stopped...

[Crowd shouting]

- $5, 000! - You jinxed me!

[Laughs]

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I love this game! This is the greatest game in the world!

["Back Off Santa" plays]

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

d Reindeer are comin', makin' so much noise d

- d I don't even want no damn toys d - [Belching]

Uh... [clears throat]

You know, this stuff is so awfully heavy.

Come on, buddy. Let's get some grub.

Gary; d We wish you a chili burger, we wish you a chili burger d

- [Laughs] - d We wish you a chili burger and a mug of cold beer d d

[To the tune of "Deck the Halls"] d Load the grill with fatty meat d

- d Put it on a bun, and eat, eat, eat d d - [Laughs]

[To the tune of "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"] d A french fry's d d a brown-skinned vegetable d

- [Laughs] - d Cooked in a lot of grease d

d All of the other nuggets... d

d Wish they could be red meat d d

[Both laugh]

d Five onion rings d

d Four dill pickles... d

d Three chocolate shakes, two apple pies... d

d And one big, fat cheeseburger d d

Yeah!

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