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ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to the stage

the talented, the amazing Gina Brillon!

[cheering, applause]

♪♪

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I see you.

I see you.

[cheering, applause]

Wow. Oh, my God!

[cheering, applause]

You guys.

You guys, don't. It's not waterproof.

[laughter]

I can't, I'm gonna cry off my eyelashes.

Guys, I can't thank you enough.

What an incredible welcome. Wow.

Uh, I'm excited for you to be here.

Thank you for coming to El Museo del Barrio.

I love that we're here, uh, in this historic place,

and it-- it was so important to me to do this special

in New York.

[cheering, applause]

Yeah.

I-- I love this city.

Like, I love this city, I'm a native New Yorker,

I'm born and raised here.

And when you're born and raised in New York,

you know New York ain't for everybody.

[laughter]

That's how we like it.

[laughter]

We don't want anybody just rollin' up in here.

Right? 'Cause people come to New York

and then they complain about being in New York.

And we're like, then go.

[laughter]

Yeah.

[applause]

Like, we did not request your presence.

You just showed up.

Then they walk around the city complaining about everything,

like, New York is so gross.

New York is so gross.

I'm, like, really?

People don't openly poop in the streets where you come from?

[laughter]

Well, then, where you live is lame.

[laughter]

Spice it up.

[laughter]

Are you guys-- You guys seem so ready.

Are you guys ready to receive comedy?

[cheering]

Thank you.

I always feel like I need to poll the audience now

'cause there's so much sensitivity,

I feel like I have to be like,

are you guys in a safe space for some jokes?

[laughter]

Can you guys forget your trauma for a few minutes?

While I tell you about mine?

[laughter]

I try, I try to be sensitive to everything,

but I'm losing myself in this PC world of

being so correct,

I don't know what to call people anymore.

Like, I don't know what to call my garbage man,

a garbage person?

That seems harsh.

[laughter]

Like, if somebody were to tell me I'm a garbage person,

I'd be like, no, you have such a good heart.

[laughter]

Why would you say that?

You're so fun and so kind.

They're like, no, Gina,

I pick up trash for a living.

You're an Uber driver? That's crazy.

[laughter, applause]

I take Uber, too, I'm trash.

[laughter]

I do. My favorite new game is lying to Uber drivers

about what I do for a living.

'Cause I used to stupidly tell them the truth.

I'd tell them I'm a comedian,

and they'd be like, "Say something funny."

But when I tell 'em I'm a stripper, no more questions.

[laughter]

You don't want to know about my relationship with my father?

Seems like an obvious line of questioning.

Last time I got in a car, the guy asked my what I did for a living,

I was like, sir, I'm not at liberty to discuss that.

Please keep your eyes on the road.

[laughter]

And then I just started wiping my fingerprints off of everything.

He was so scared.

[laughter]

Like I said, I'm a native New Yorker,

I'm born and raised in the South Bronx in New York.

[cheering, applause]

Woo! Yay. I see you.

Greetings, gangsters.

[laughter]

A hardy year to all of you.

[laughs]

Being from the Bronx, there's always gonna be, like,

a 'hood side to me.

Like, there's always gonna be 'hood in me,

like, there's 'hood me,

and then there's evolved me.

[laughter]

But 'hood me is still there.

Like, evolved me knows that hurt people hurt people.

But 'hood me just wants to hurt people,

she don't care about your back story.

[laughter]

They're constantly battling for control.

Like, 'hood me and evolved me.

I gotta leave 'hood me repressed.

I keep her repressed...

until I get angry.

That's when the 'hood spirit

inhabits my body against my will.

[laughter]

And I can't control what happens.

And it scares people 'cause they don't expect it from me.

It scares my husband.

It do.

'Cause I'll be like, "Honey, can you take out the garbage?"

And if he says the wrong thing.

[laughter]

I'll be like, "Oh, word!"

[laughter]

"Oh, we fightin' now?"

"Okay, okay, you know what? I'ma calm down

before I key our car."

[laughter]

Say I won't. Wish you would say I won't.

[laughter]

That's why I gotta let evolved me run the show.

She's gotta navigate through the non 'hood world.

'Cause sometimes you want to handle something

like you would on the block.

Right? 'Cause I be like,

on my block, this would be a fight.

But I can't beat you down in a boardroom.

[laughter]

So now I gotta figure a way to verbally beat you down.

You know, still sound intelligent,

not use the F word.

I gotta Rubik's Cube some words together.

[laughter]

Like, I don't mean to be offensive but...

I'm not tryin' to hurt your feelings.

All because I cannot take the "are you stupid?"

out of my tone.

[laughter]

It's such a struggle.

It really is.

[applause]

It is such a struggle.

No matter what I say, if I don't like you,

I could say good morning, and you'll be like,

"What the hell did you just say to me?"

[laughter]

I'll be like, "I said good morning."

[laughter]

"Honey, call the police."

[laughter]

By the way, when I say I'm 'hood,

I'm not Cardi B 'hood,

I'm, like, Drake 'hood.

[laughter]

Like, I'm not dangerous,

but I will be the scariest person in Canada.

[laughter]

I just celebrated my two year wedding anniversary

not too long ago.

-[cheering] -Yeah.

Yeah.

You can clap, I like him.

[laughter]

I appreciate those of y'all who held your applause

to make sure I was happy first.

It was like, "Huh? Oh, she good, she good."

I got a good one, I married a good dude,

I got me a 1978 Caucasian.

[laughter]

My husband's white, that's what I'm tryin' to tell y'all.

[laughter]

He's not just white, he is Midwest white.

Yeah, that's right, that's organic, girl.

-That is-- -[laughter]

Whoo!

That is farm to table white, y'all, like that--

I went to the source to get my white man.

[laughter]

I am not white, I am Puerto Rican,

which, uh--

-[cheering] -Yeah.

Yeah!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, probably my cousins.

[laughter]

You know how we get around.

My husband loves the fact that he's married a sassy Latina.

[laughter]

He loves to bring it up in conversation

when it has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

He'll be like, "Hey, guys.

"My wife's Puerto Rican.

Enjoy your meal."

[laughter]

I get it, I mean, he's excited.

I'm the only Latin woman he's ever been with,

so I'm his first.

[laughs]

He's not my first white guy. I have a--

[laughter]

I've been with white guys before.

Mainly to get information and take it back to my people.

[laughter]

I like how most of y'all laughed.

[laughter]

Some of y'all were like, "I knew it."

[laughter]

"I knew that was their plans for world domination."

First white guy I dated was years ago.

He took me to his parents' lake house,

and I was like, oh.

'Cause that's when I found out white people buy houses

that they don't live in.

[laughter]

I was like, that's money money.

[laughter]

How many sub houses do y'all have?

They had fancy food at the lake house.

I remember this because I was traumatized.

'Cause I wasn't used to that,

so I kept messin' up and eatin' the decorations

thinkin' they were part of the food.

[laughter]

Because fancy food is food that's decorated with other food.

And then you gotta figure out what part of that

you're supposed to eat.

That's the game.

We've all been through it, right?

You go to a posh restaurant,

you order what you think is an adult size meal.

And they come at you with a shrimp on a spinach leaf.

And a radish shaped like a rose.

That's what they had at the lake house,

I ate the whole thing. I ate the whole thing.

Here's a pro tip: if you eat the whole thing,

your boyfriend's parents will talk to you like you're an idiot the whole night.

I ate it, whole thing, and they were like,

"The radish was a garnish."

[laughter]

"Can you say garnish?"

[laughter]

I was like, "Garnish? Ain't that a Hindu god?"

[laughter]

Uh-uh-uh.

I grew up broke, man, we don't know nothin' about no garnishes.

Not unless you're talkin' about our wages.

[laughter, applause]

Some of y'all remember some bills you gotta pay right now?

Is that goin' through your head right now?

And when I say I grew up broke,

I can always feel the rich people in the room's hearts break.

Whenever I say it, they're always like--

[shuddering]

[laughter]

"You didn't even have a little bit of a lot of money?"

[laughter]

"How did you live?"

I didn't know we were broke, man.

I didn't know we were broke until I was about, like, 13,

that's when the reveal happened.

[laughter]

'Cause I volunteered at a neighborhood food drive

and one of the bags was for my family.

[laughter]

Imagine my surprise.

I showed up, I was like,

"Who are we helping today?"

They're like, "Help yourself, Gina, grab a bag, get outta here."

We had a good time growin' up, though, man.

We always had a lot of dogs at my house

'cause my grandmother would always pick up stray dogs.

Which became my attitude towards men.

[laughter]

That's right. I see some guy wandering the street,

I'm like, "Are you lost, buddy? Huh?

"Are you lost?

"You wanna come home with me? Huh?

I have bacon at my house."

[laughter]

We fed our dogs rice and beans just like us.

The dogs would look at us like,

"Damn, are we broke, too? Like, what's goin' on?"

[laughter]

"What's goin' on with this situation?"

One thing was great, we had to be creative.

Like, me and my sibling, when we would play games,

we had to play broke people games.

Yeah, I see some of y'all chuckling.

You guys know exactly what I'm talkin' about.

Broke people games are games that don't require toys or money.

You just had to be creative.

Like, we had this one game we used to play

called Adventure.

It was just us...

walkin' around a tree.

[laughter]

You had to hold onto the tree

'cause if your foot touched the floor, you were out.

That was the adventure part.

Played another game called Paper Ball,

you crumble up a paper, you throw it to somebody,

you gotta keep it in the air, 'cause if it hits the floor, you're out.

The floor was an integral part of many...

broke people games.

Which is why The Floor is Lava

is a historically broke person game.

Some of these games are passed down

from broke generation to broke generation.

The Floor is Lava is one of those games.

If you played The Floor is Lava and you had money,

you were appropriating broke culture and we don't appreciate that.

[laughter]

Uh-uh. Go to a theme park, you got the money.

Why you gotta take from us?

We weren't broke forever.

I feel like people always panic

when I say that we were broke.

We weren't broke forever, my parents were Latinos,

they worked really hard to get us out of that situation.

You know, we went from broke,

to okay, we doin' aight.

[laughter]

To, oh, we got some money now.

Then back down to, okay, we doin' aight.

[laughter]

Because when broke people get money,

they don't know what to spend it on.

You spend it on your fantasies.

We got a little bit of money,

and my dad bought a boat.

[laughter]

We lived in the South Bronx.

[laughter]

Where shall we sail, Papa?

[laughter]

Shall we follow the pissy smell

to the Isle of Manhattan?

Let us away to sail.

Don't get it twisted, man.

I have nothin' but respect for my parents.

I love my parents, man.

As I get older, I realize

nobody teaches you how to be a parent.

You gotta figure it out as you go along.

The closest thing you get is when they used to give you,

like, an egg to take care of for like a week.

It's cool. I mean, not in the schools I went to.

I went to school in the Bronx, man,

we just brought our actual babies.

[laughter]

I was like--

[laughter]

Hold on, I don't need your egg, I brought my son, like--

[laughter]

Matter of fact, give me that egg,

I gotta feed my son, you made me wake him up.

[laughter, applause]

After that, I went to a school that was, like,

majority white people.

That's when I learned that I was dyslexic.

Uh, not from the teachers, they just thought I was writing in Spanish.

[laughter]

They were like, "Don't correct here, it's her culture."

[laughter]

Oh. I was so racially frustrated growing up.

Because I'm Latina but I'm light "skinneded."

[laughter]

Yeah, so I always felt I had to prove my ethnicity to people constantly.

And I would do it in stupid ways,

like throwing random Spanish words into sentences.

I'd be like, "Okay, guys, see you at escuela."

[laughter]

Like some sort of live action Dora.

[laughter]

I just wanted to be identifiably ethnic.

Like, I wanted to be darker.

I wanted darker skin and a white boyfriend,

those were my only two goals.

'Cause that's my parents' dynamic.

Both of my parents are Puerto Rican,

but my dad is light skinned,

and my mom has beautiful dark olive skin.

And I would watch her put on her make up,

and she would wear purple eye shadow

and vibrant blushes and I thought she looked beautiful,

and then she would put that same make up on me.

[laughter]

And I looked like a damn clown.

[laughter]

And because of my light skin, people always tell me

I look like my dad, they be like,

"Oh, you look just like your father."

I'd be like, "Great. He's a man."

[laughter]

I want to look like my mom, she's a woman.

Always felt so terrible as a kid

'cause I thought I look like a guy,

and now my voice is deep, so I always thought

I sounded like a dude, too.

And plus, I'm Puerto Rican,

but I speak Spanish with a Mexican accent.

[laughter]

Yeah, I know.

'Cause my friends are Mexican, I went to a Mexican church,

I love tacos, that was another reason.

Girl, yes.

I'm learning French now,

my biggest fear is I'm gonna speak French with a Mexican accent.

[laughter]

'Cause that's the accent I'm most comfortable and confident in.

But that's gonna be ridiculous if I'm like,

[speaks French]

[laughter]

[laughs] Everybody's gonna be like,

"That poor French Puerto Rican Mexican girl."

[laughter]

She is confused.

And the wrong accent can mess up the mood.

All right, like, I downloaded a meditation

to help with anxiety,

and they guy doing the guided meditation

had a Cockney British accent.

I don't know if you've heard this,

but it is not comforting.

Like, I hit play, and he was like,

[Cockney accent] "'ello!

"My name's Nigel.

"I'm 'ere to 'elp you with your anxiety.

All right, close your eyes."

[normal voice] I will do no such thing, Nigel.

[laughter]

I don't feel safe.

[Cockney accent] We're gonna give thanks for everything.

[normal voice] I'm always jealous of people with, like, awesome accents,

Or tattoos. I saw this guy with a compass tattoo,

and in the middle of the tattoo it said,

"You are here."

[laughter]

I was intrigued.

I was like, "Hey, what does your tattoo mean?"

And he was like, "Oh, this?

This is for, like, when I feel lost."

[laughter]

"I just look down,

and I'm like, nah, bro. You're right here."

[laughter, applause]

Probably the best tattoo story I've ever heard.

He asked me if I had tattoos, I was like,

"Oh, I have stretch marks which are nature's tattoos."

[laughter]

Yeah, they signify that I like bread,

that's what my tattoos mean.

This one's red velvet,

I got a couple of everything bagels right over here.

[laughter]

Ain't no shame in my game, I love food,

I'm not even gonna pretend like I don't.

I love food too much.

Too much. I walked into a store the other day,

I saw my favorite pack of Gummy Bears

and I gasped like I saw a celebrity.

[laughter]

That's too excited for Gummy Bears.

Oh, I try. Sometimes I see like a super skinny person,

and I be like, "Hey, you look great. What do you eat?"

And there's always some depressing list of things.

Like, "I eat lettuce and asparagus

and sometimes I eat an onion."

[laughter]

I'm like, "Oh, so there's no hope is what you're saying?

'Cause I'm not doing any of that."

I always hope they have, like, some secret that I've never heard of.

Like, they're gonna be like, "Did you know that if you eat a doughnut standing up,

it's like half the calories?"

[laughter]

Thank you, you skinny angel.

[laughter]

I try, man. I'm trying to be vegan now.

I'm succeeding on Instagram. Uh--

[laughter, applause]

Killin' it on the 'gram.

Took a picture of a vegan brownie that I bought

and I posted it, and somebody commented,

"Why do vegans always have to brag about being vegan?"

I was like, "That brownie was $10."

[laughter]

I'ma tell everybody about that brownie.

I didn't eat it, I just been showin' it to people that come over.

[laughter]

Like, hey, look, this is what a $10 brownie looks like.

[laughter]

Look at that.

Don't touch it. Look at that.

[laughter]

Get your non vegan fingers away from here.

[laughs] I'ma make it into a necklace, wear it at weddings.

You can recycle vegan food like that.

It's hard, man. It's hard being vegan.

It's not just no meat, it's no milk, no eggs, no honey.

I did find out, though, you can eat honey and still be vegan,

as long as nobody sees you.

[laughter]

Just eat honey in the shadows, ain't nobody gonna care.

So far, the vegan mafia has not caught on.

I really wish they would-- Oh, I would love to meet the vegan mafia.

They'd show up at my doorstep,

like, "Hey, I'm Tommy No Cheese."

[laughter]

"This is Coconut Milk Larry.

"And Agave Dave.

"We heard you been eatin' honey,

we gotta have a word with you out back."

[laughter]

My friends don't even trust going out with me anymore.

They won't eat out with me anymore

'cause every time they go, now they do a check,

they're like, "Is there gonna be real food there?"

I'm like, "As in those sawdust burritos we had last time?

I thought those were delicious."

The hardest was telling my family

that I wasn't eating meat over the holidays.

Trying to tell your Latino family

that you don't eat meat,

they don't get it.

My mom was like, "Even chicken?"

[laughter]

"Even steak?"

I was like, "You know what?

"I'm gonna snort some quinoa and just call it a night, Ma, like--

[laughter]

"You ain't gotta work this hard."

My mom works so hard on the holidays, too,

she always start cooking the night before.

My husband gets all excited.

He's always like, "Damn, your mom can cook."

I'm like, "Well, it don't run in the family, so relax."

[laughter]

He, like, gets all excited.

There will be none of that.

You know, we do a prayer in my family

before we do the dinner thing,

and I know it's not everybody's thing,

but we're Latinos, so we're like this with Jesus, so--

[laughter]

We gotta throw him a little shout out.

But you gotta be careful who you let do the prayer,

'cause there's always that one passive aggressive family member

that's waiting to shout out somebody's business--

In the prayer.

Like, "Dear Lord, we're thankful for everybody bein' here,

especially Gina who never seems to have time for anybody anymore."

[laughter]

"We're really happy that her husband's here, too,

'cause it's about damn time she got married,

-know what I'm sayin'"? -[laughter]

"Hopefully, this one doesn't have a prison record.

"Anyway, I'm sure you will heal her

in the way she needs to be healed, Lord."

It's all the same, like, everybody falls into their little roles

when they come back, you know what I mean?

Like, the same fights that happened the year before

are gonna happen again that next year,

and you're kind of looking forward to it.

Soon as those people walk in, you're like,

round two.

[laughter]

Finish it.

Everybody does their own little thing, you know?

My mom still watches all of her telenovelas, right?

Growing up, my mom had a VCR in every single room of the house

so she could record all of her favorite telenovelas.

And for those of you that don't know,

a telenovela's like a soap opera

but with more evil twins.

[laughter]

And more people dying, but turning out to not be dead.

[laughter]

It's so amazing 'cause when somebody dies,

they still get upset, like, "I know they killed Ruby."

I'm like, the show is called "Ruby,"

I think she gonna come back.

[laughter]

Pretty sure.

She's gonna be aight.

I grew up watching both Latino television

and American television,

and I noticed the similarities.

A lot of the programs were similar,

it's just that Latinos, we always gotta be extra.

We always gotta be extra. It's like, we looked at regular soap operas,

and we're like, you call that drama? That's cute.

[laughter]

I'll show you drama.

[laughter]

Right? Everything's extra about what we do.

Like, on American television, they got "Kelly and Ryan,"

we got "El Gordo y La Flaca."

[laughter]

That's right.

Which translates to "The Fat Man and the Skinny Woman."

'Cause who cares what their names are.

[laughter]

It's like "Kelly and Ryan," but extra. Y'all know.

We all know if "Kelly and Ryan" was translated,

it would be "Las Flacas."

[laughter]

I know some of y'all want to correct my Spanish right now,

but I said what I said.

I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

[laughter]

I love seeing my family, I'm closest with my sister,

I have an identical twin sister,

and, uh, I always tell people, hey, if you don't like the show,

please make sure you harass the right person online.

[laughter]

We get confused for each other all the time.

Like, one time I spent 20 minutes getting yelled at

by a guy that my sister ghosted.

I couldn't even blame him, man,

it must have felt like he was getting ghosted again,

but in real life.

[laughter]

Sir, I've never been to dinner and a movie with you.

[laughter]

As a matter of fact, I've been dead for four years.

[laughter]

I'm close to my brother, too.

My brother is openly gay,

he came out to me when I was 14 years old.

I don't know how old he was because gay men don't tell you their age.

[laughter]

I lived with my brother for three years,

and I had nowhere to go, he took me in, he let me live with him.

I lived in his living room on a twin size bed.

And he had three cats.

And I have two ferrets.

It was like a little urban zoo.

And those were my single years,

so imagine bringing a guy home to that super sexy scenario.

[laughter]

Every time I brought a guy home,

I felt like a shameful little Hobbit.

I was like, please don't mind the smell.

[laughter]

Or the twin size bed.

Also, my brother's in the next room.

[laughter]

It's hard enough having your dates judged by your brother,

but he's not just judging them as my brother,

he's judging them as a gay man,

so he'd be like, that guy's not even cute.

[laughter]

I was like, well, first of all, I'm desperate.

[laughter]

'kay?

Second of all, see first of all.

[laughter]

'Cause those were the internet dating years for me,

and dating has changed so much.

It used to be about finding a relationship,

finding something.

Now it's about who's closest and can get naked the fastest.

It's like you're just Amazoning people to your house.

[laughter]

I was on all of the apps, too,

I was on Tinder, I was on Bumble,

I was on JSwipe, that's the Jewish one.

[laughter]

I thought it was for if you wanted to date a Jewish guy.

Apparently, it's also so they can date Jewish women.

Whoops!

I got duped by a lot of those dating apps

because someone taught guys about high angles and filters,

and now they're using our tricks against us, ladies.

[laughter]

How's that gonna work, man?

I don't look like how I'm supposed to look,

you don't look like how you're supposed to look.

How are we gonna find each other at this restaurant?

[laughter]

[applause]

Now we're just both sittin' here

thinkin' we got stood up.

[laughter]

Lookin' for someone that don't exist.

Those were weird times, man.

A lot of girls would use filters that had,

like, the animal filters from Snapchat.

On their, like, profiles, they'd have, like,

bunny rabbit ears or a little kitty cat nose.

I never did that 'cause I didn't want no freak showin' up.

Right? Some guy shows up, like,

"Hey, did you bring them ears, though?"

[laughter]

"I'm sayin', you look mad good as a rabbit."

[laughter]

That's all the dating apps were, man,

dodging different levels of freaks.

I met a lot of guys that were into being dominated by women.

Girl, no.

[laughter]

Those men are impossible to get rid of.

'Cause you can't tell 'em to get lost, they're into it.

[laughter]

Can't be like, "Get the hell away from me!"

"Yes, mistress." No!

[laughter]

They're like the cockroaches of the dating world,

you can't get rid of 'em.

You just gotta make 'em useful,

be like, "Go get my dry cleaning, loser."

He's like, "Yes, mistress."

Exactly.

[laughter]

I remember there was one guy I was dating for a little bit,

he wanted me to stay over, like spend the night,

but he had a sleep apnea machine,

and I was like--

[exhales]

How are you gonna make a move?

You cannot Darth Vader your way into my pants.

I can't, like--

[heavy breathing]

"I will be your baby father."

[laughter]

No, you won't, booboo, no you won't.

Thank God I met my husband.

I met my husband at a time in my singlehood

where I was fully ready to be a 'ho.

[laughter]

Let me explain. Let me explain.

[laughter]

Every woman reaches that point in her singlehood

where she gives up on the pursuit for a relationship

and she waves the white flag of 'ho-ness.

And she's like, I can't, I can't do this no more.

And I was getting ready to work on a cruise ship.

I met my husband on a cruise ship,

so he's 90.

[laughter]

I'm tryin' to get that paper. I'm kidding.

I was getting ready to do comedy on this cruise ship,

and I got on that ship with 'ho in my heart.

[laughter]

And then the first day on that ship,

I-- I just see the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life,

and I had a crush on him instantly.

And I was, like, no!

I was supposed to be a 'ho.

[laughter]

I was 'ho blocked.

[laughter]

So I stalked him.

'Cause that's what you do when you like a guy.

Every woman in here knows she's part FBI agent.

[laughter]

That's right.

[cheering, applause]

Soon as I had his full name,

I launched a cyber investigation.

[laughter]

Do you know how hard it was when I met his family

to pretend like I didn't know everything about them already?

[laughter]

I was so afraid that I was gonna say someone's name

before they introduced themselves.

Like, "Hey, Miriam, how you doin', girl?

I mean, hey, girl, what's your name?"

[laughter]

"How are the renovations on the house goin--"

Damn! I wasn't supposed to know that.

Man, we do creepy stuff. Women can be creepy.

Nobody ever looks at our stuff as creepy, though,

everything seems adorable when we do it.

Guys be like, "Oh, look at her,

she's so cute in my bushes. Hey, girl, hey."

[laughter]

"She works so hard to keep up with my schedule."

[laughter]

Man, I know I'm creepy.

I watch my husband sleep.

You know how I know that's creepy?

'Cause if I ever woke up and he was watching me sleep,

I'd be like, he is 100 percent gonna murder me,

like, that's what's gonna happen.

I would not think that was cute.

We do creepy stuff. Women do creepy stuff, man.

We'll go through your medicine cabinet.

You leave us alone in your room,

we're goin' through that drawer.

We're lookin' for clues, tryin' to figure out who you are.

Men will go through drawers, too,

but they go right for the underwear drawer.

[laughter]

They are not lookin' for clues.

They will look past a human foot

to see what kind of drawers you got in there.

Like, "Is that a thong? This girl's a freak."

[laughter]

Sometimes guys will sniff a girl's clothing.

Women don't do that, that's a creepy thing women don't do.

We don't do that.

The only time we sniff your clothing is if there's a problem.

Like, we'll be like, "Oh, you gotta wash that, bro, like that's nasty.

Like, I'm just tryin' to help you out, that's gross."

If a girl likes you enough and she goes through your drawers,

if she finds something suspect, she'll make excuses.

If she likes you enough, she'll find your antipsychotic meds,

and be like, "At least he's trying to get help."

[laughter]

"He's just tryin' to help himself."

'Cause men will see red flags, and they'll be, like,

"I'm out."

A woman will see red flags and she's like,

"Ooh! A project."

[laughter]

"He don't need these pills, he just need a hug."

[laughter]

"I'ma give him all the hugs his crazy self needs."

[laughter]

So I did, I stalked my husband.

Aight?

I had found out his schedule,

I would try to show up lookin' all fly.

All right, one time I looked real cute,

I was like, "He's totally gonna flirt with me.

I look adorable."

He didn't, so...

But then one night after a show, he came up to me

and he was like, "I just got to see you perform.

"I think you're so talented, I think you're so funny, and you're--

you're the most beautiful female comedian I've ever seen."

And I went, "That's very specific, but thank you."

Could have just said beautiful,

I would have been fine with it.

[laughter]

And then we talked, we talked for hours,

and then we went back to his cabin, and I was like--

[gasps]

I'ma get my 'ho-ment.

[laughter]

That's a 'ho moment, y'all can take that home with you.

[laughter]

And then we got married.

We did, we did it, we made it happen.

-[applause] -Yeah. Yeah.

It can happen for you, too.

You just gotta want to be a 'ho.

[laughter]

That's it. Just own it.

I was nervous, I was nervous to get married

because my husband wanted us to write our own wedding vows,

which, like, you know--

'Cause he has feelings.

I don't know how to express myself.

I was so nervous my wedding vows were gonna be

the most New York gangster vows.

[laughter]

I was so afraid I was gonna get up there and be like,

"Yo, I dead ass love you, son."

[laughter]

Yo.

[cheering, applause]

Yeah.

"On God, I love you my guy."

[laughter]

Then we'd just chest bump.

I'm like, "Let's do this!"

The priest is like, "You may now dap the bride."

I'm like, "Thanks."

Me and the bridal party gotta jump him into the marriage after that.

Couple gangsters, couple gangsters.

[laughter]

Now that I'm married, I'm constantly on guard

'cause I'm a jealous woman.

Not gonna lie, it's the biggest issue he has to deal with.

I'm jealous, man.

You would think it would chill out when I got married.

Uh-uh. If you talk to my husband a second too long,

I'm like-- Ahhh.

[laughter]

I don't know what your game is

with this flirty line of questioning,

but I don't like it.

I'll be taking over from now on,

and yes, he will have fries.

-[laughter] -I see you.

Oh, I see you, I see you.

I see you.

People get intrusive with their questions,

they be like, "Oh, my gosh, how tall is your husband?"

Husband height.

[laughter]

What cologne does he wear? Scent of my husband.

[laughter]

His favorite movie's our wedding video.

You can leave now.

[laughter]

They don't tell you this, but when you get married to somebody,

you marry the entire bibliography of their issues.

And you marry their family who gave them those issues.

[laughter]

Like, his mom never made him clean up his clothes as a kid.

Guess who's problem that is now?

[laughter]

My husband will leave little piles of clothing on the floor

as if he was raptured out of our apartment.

[laughter]

I'm like, "Were you never beaten as a child for this?"

[laughter]

[applause]

We were clearly raised differently.

I know this one time, he had an argument with his mom in front of me,

and I was shocked 'cause I didn't realize

you could argue with your parents.

Like, Latinos live in fear of our parents

well into our early 100s.

[laughter]

Right, like--

[applause]

I ain't tryin' to argue.

I love life.

[laughter]

He saw how shocked I was, he was like,

"Don't worry, I would never talk to you like that,"

and I was like, "I don't suggest it."

[laughter]

You're a sound sleeper.

[laughter]

Why do I know this?

When you get married, you gotta get used to

somebody being in your space all the time.

Like, when I was single, I woke up alone a lot.

[laughter]

Now, every time I wake up, I'm like-- Ahh!

[laughter]

Oh, it's you.

It's like 100 times in a row.

[laughter]

Maybe you can get a hobby or something.

Surprise me once in a while.

Everyone wants to give you marriage advice when you get married.

Some of it's helpful. Most of it's trash.

'Cause they don't know how your relationship works,

but everyone wants to guide you.

One of my girlfriends told me,

"If your husband acts up, just withhold sex."

And I was like, "What did I do?"

[laughter]

That punishment affects both of us.

I don't like your methods.

Don't go to sleep angry, that's another one.

I go to sleep angry all the time.

'Cause he falls asleep before me, and I'm just like--

[laughter]

Oh, you got nothin' to over think right now?

[laughter]

Okay. Okay.

I had to get used to being responsible to another person, too.

That was hard, man.

When my husband asks me if I paid my credit card bill,

I gotta stop myself from bein' like,

"None of your business, bro!"

[laughter]

'Cause then I remember, like,

Oh, yeah, it is his business.

[laughter]

And-- No.

[laughter]

I'm not a good grown up.

I love my husband, but he can be dramatic.

He can be dramatic sometimes.

Like last week, he sat me down, he was like,

"We need to talk."

And I was like, "Uh-oh.

Here's the divorce."

[laughter]

He said, "Our neighbor came by today."

I was like-- [gasps] We have neighbors?

[laughter]

'Cause I don't be talkin' to nobody.

He said, "Our neighbor came by today,

he said that he can hear us having conversations through the wall."

And I was like, "Yeah. This is New York.

That's how apartments are made, bro."

[laughter]

"Why do you think after every time we make love,

I high five the wall?"

[laughter, applause]

I gotta let 'em know.

Gotta let 'em know we good.

He wants to get a house now. He wants to get a house.

I don't want to clean a house.

A whole house?

He's not gonna clean it.

We live in a less than one bedroom apartment right now.

[laughter]

And we are in a cleaning stand off.

I always win 'cause I make it racial.

I be like, "Why I gotta clean, 'cause I'm Puerto Rican?"

[laughter]

I told him we can't get a house,

not unless we get a maid, and I can't do that.

I can't get a maid.

Imagine that, I open the door,

there's one of my aunts standing right there.

I be like, "Damn, tia, you would have done this for free."

[laughter]

"Now I gotta pay you."

I know how much cleaning a house--

I know how much work that is.

I grew up in a house.

My mom made us clean it every weekend, both days.

That's right, 'cause the weekdays were for school.

So the weekend was for our fun time,

which, apparently, was cleaning.

[laughter]

And we would get up, man, and she would try to trick us, man.

She would play salsa music all loud

like we were having a party.

You'd go downstairs, the only party guests are

Windex and some paper towels.

[laughter]

She was like, "Welcome to the party."

[laughter]

You're not gonna trick us, Mom, we know this ain't fun.

But now, every time I hear salsa music,

I start sweeping and washing dishes.

[laughter]

Like Pavlov's Puerto Rican, I gotta--

Must-- Must clean.

Must clean.

[laughter]

My husband wants that traditional life,

he likes-- he likes when I do stuff for him.

Like, he likes when I cook for him.

I made my husband a 'hood delicacy not too long ago.

'Hood delicacy, that's-- that's rice with an egg on top.

[cheering, applause]

My next 'hood delicacy has to be chopped cheese.

Uh-- Yeah. That's right.

But I'ma use vegan cheese, he don't need to know.

[laughter]

'Cause all my food shopping is bougie now.

'Cause I go to bougie supermarkets.

'Cause I grew up on ghetto supermarkets,

and I'm, like, I ain't doin' that no more.

Right? You ever been to a ghetto supermarket,

you know that it looks like a homicide just happened.

No matter which way you go into it.

Like, I'm gonna walk down the freezer aisle,

it's gonna be ice cream and a dead body.

And I gotta hope the security footage doesn't go viral

when I step over that body to get that ice cream.

Gonna be like, "Oh, all right, people,

"but I'm gonna grab this rocky road real quick,

'cause, uh, YOLO! You know that."

Keep it movin'.

[laughs]

You never know who works at a ghetto supermarket,

'cause, uh, they don't wear uniforms.

[laughter]

They just walk around like plain clothes cops.

[laughter]

You just gotta look for the angriest person,

that's their-- that's their uniform, it's anger.

You find that person.

They always get annoyed by you.

Like, no matter what you ask,

they're so bothered by your presence.

At bougie supermarkets, they are so nice, man,

it doesn't matter what you ask.

You can ask them to do your taxes,

they'll sit with you...

in one of the aisles and help you out.

Ghetto supermarket, you ask where the milk is,

they're like-- Ugh!

They look at you like they're tryin' to figure out

whether they should fight your or help you.

They're like, "Come with me. Damn."

[laughter]

I do a lot of bougie stuff now.

Even stuff I don't like.

I get massages. I don't like massages.

Being locked in a room with a stranger that's touching me.

I've been trying to avoid that my whole life.

[laughter]

Why would I do this to myself now?

I had a rough massage last week, man.

You ever had a massage that's so rough,

you be like, "Who hurt you?"

[laughter]

"Why are you taking this out on my spine?"

I always get so stressed out on massages,

'cause I'm either in pain,

or the whole time I'm sittin' there goin',

"Don't fart, don't fart."

[laughter]

"Don't fart."

One time I went to a Korean masseuse,

and she said she was gonna give me an intestinal massage,

I was like, that's not what you wanna do, sis.

[laughter]

No. Don't do that, sis.

There's, like, 30 years of tacos in there,

you don't need to--

You don't want to mess with that situation.

I have a personal trainer.

That's bougie.

His job is to shame me into doing things.

Personal trainers are like professional bullies.

He still gets my lunch money, but now I gotta do

a bunch of burpies before I give it to him.

[laughter]

The bougiest thing I do is see a therapist.

Oh, yeah.

My Latino family had a moment of silence

when they found out.

'Cause Latinos don't talk to therapists, man,

we talk to Jesus or priests.

That's your two options.

I'm actually back on speaking terms

with my therapist right now.

[laughter]

Let me tell you what happened, though.

Every year, he goes on vacation for a month,

which, first of all, rude.

[laughter]

Every time he leaves, I'm like,

"You said no one would ever leave me again."

[laughter]

I'm all passive aggressive when he comes back,

I'm like, "How was your vacation, Alan?"

[laughter]

"Did you meet any new patients in Hawaii?"

"Give me your phone, let me see your phone, give me your phone."

"Let me find out you got some side patient in Hawaii

you was with this whole time."

And she's just like me, some Hawaiian Puerto Rican with abandonment issues.

I just feel like he should provide

some sort of substitute therapist for when he leaves.

Like somebody just wheels in a TV, like,

"Dr. Rosenthal's away this week,

so... here's 'To Kill a Mockingbird.'

Good luck with your struggles."

He always tells me I need to respect boundaries,

or maybe that was his wife, I don't know, it was 3 a.m., I was drunk.

[laughter]

Then don't give me your cell phone number.

[laughter]

Uh! We're working on my insomnia now,

I have terrible insomnia.

If you've ever had insomnia, you know how much it sucks.

But what sucks even more is when you tell somebody you have insomnia,

and they tell you how well they sleep.

[laughter]

It never fails, I'll tell-- Any time I tell someone I have insomnia,

somebody goes, "Oh, my God, that's crazy,

"'cause I close my eyes, I fall asleep like this,

it's the most amazing thing in the world.

"I don't know how I do it. I'm, like, amazing,

"I just fall asleep, it's so easy for me.

"I don't need anything, like, I don't need tea,

I don't need melatonin, I just fall asleep this, I close my eyes."

[laughter]

Do you think you're inspiring me

to do something I've never tried before?

Like, I'm gonna be like, "What, you close your eyes?"

[laughter]

"I've been sittin' there like this the whole time."

[laughter]

"You're a genius."

I couldn't sleep last night, man.

I was just up.

3 a.m., chillin' with my demons.

[laughter]

That's all it is, man, I was like,

"What's up, insecurities?"

"Hey, procrastination, funny you'd be on time for this."

[laughter]

You're never doing anything productive,

that's the most frustrating thing.

If you're like me, you're just up rethinking

conversations you had during the day,

and coming up with better responses.

[laughter]

Or you're-- you're on the internet

for the next 97 hours...

looking at weird animal friendship videos.

[laughter]

Which are my favorite, by the way.

I love those videos, I'm like,

"A kitten and a monkey, how'd they even meet?"

[laughter]

"They don't hang out in the same places.

"Was the monkey in a pet store?

"Was the kitten in a jungle?

I have to know the rest of this."

That's the positive stuff on the internet.

There's a bunch of negative stuff on the internet, too, man.

Hate is everywhere on the internet.

But hate's gonna happen, we can't be afraid of it.

Happens to all of us, and we all do it, man.

You ever meet somebody and right away you hate them?

[laughter]

Just everything in you goes,

nope!

[laughter]

Mm-mm.

Not you.

[laughter]

I know what we need to stop doing,

we need to stop hatin' on millennials for real.

'Cause it's gettin' old, and it's gettin' tired.

Plus, I think millennials, all they did was

look at what was historically and systemically wrong,

and then look at the rest of us, like,

"Y'all know you don't have to put up with this, right?"

And then older generations were like,

"Shut up, nerds."

[laughter]

"What's wrong with the way things were, man?

I was bullied and I turned out fine."

Like-- [laughs] Oh, you're a psychopath.

[laughter]

You're not fine.

Like, you're a bully.

You were bullied and now you're a terrible human,

I wouldn't use that as a defense

against millennials.

All right, guys, I gotta get out of here,

but, uh, thank you all for coming out tonight,

you all have been amazing.

-[cheering, applause] -I had an amazing time with you.

I love you all. Thank you so much.

[cheering, applause]

There is one more thing.

Thank you so much for standing up. Oh, my God.

-Thank you. -[cheering, applause]

You can all sit, you can all sit.

But thank you. You're a very standy crowd,

I like it.

I like your-- your ability to squat and stand,

I'm envious.

I'm envious of your knee strength.

There is a story that I wanted to share with you guys

before I let you guys go, so bear with me.

First of all, I want to dedicate this special

to a friend of mine who recently passed.

This is for Angelo Lozada.

[cheering, applause]

I started comedy when I was, uh, 17 years old.

Started at 17, and I've been doing it

probably about 22 years, a little over 22 years now.

And, um, I know, some of you are like,

"She wasted her life." No. [laughs]

No, I-- I discovered comedy at 14 years old.

I was, uh, channel surfing through my parents' cable,

unbeknownst to them.

I was watching a horror movie and I thought I heard footsteps,

so I switched the channel 'cause, you know, I didn't want to die.

Um, so I switched the channel, and I switched it to comedy.

I didn't even know, I just kind of switched it,

and the woman on stage, the woman doing a special was Brett Butler.

And it was "Brett Butler Sold Out."

And that was the first comedy special I ever saw.

And I didn't know what comedy was,

I didn't know anything about it,

but when I saw this woman there, I was completely mesmerized.

She was beautiful, she was smart, she was funny.

at 14 years old, I understood her sarcasm,

I understood everything.

And immediately, I knew...

that's what I want to do with my life.

And you have to understand, like,

I grew up watching Latino television,

so whenever I saw a woman on camera,

she was either scantily clad,

or legitimately dressed like a clown.

This was the first time I saw a woman

controlling a room with her intellect alone.

And I was blown away, and I was like,

this is what I want to do with my life,

I don't know how, but I'm gonna do it.

And then, probably about a week later,

I saw George Lopez.

And now I've seen a woman, and a Latino,

and I was like-- [gasps]

I'm a hybrid mix of both of those.

[laughter]

So in my little 14 year old brain,

I was like,

"There's no reason I can't do this,"

'cause you know how when you're a teenager,

you think nothing bad can happen?

I was just there in that mindset,

and I remember thinking, like,

having no fear.

Just going for it.

With nothing behind it,

other than the pure force of my belief

that this was what I was meant to do.

And what I want from this special

more than anything else

is to be for that next kid that's watching at home

what Brett Butler and George Lopez were to me.

[applause]

You know...

coming where I come from,

you don't get told to live your dreams.

You get told to survive.

You're told the opposite.

That dreams are stupid.

You know, that dreams,

they are never gonna happen.

And I guess I never really...

believed that for one second.

And it was the support of my family and this faith

that this was what I was supposed to do

that kind of kept me going.

And so I think the message I want people at home to get,

and you guys to leave with is that

if you're sitting there wondering, like,

should I go for it, should I, you know,

try to reach my goals, reach my dreams,

the answer is absolutely.

I was just a little girl in the South Bronx

who had a dream bigger than she could even imagine.

Had a dream that

nobody believed she should have had.

I had no advantages over anybody.

The only advantage I had was I didn't quit.

-So thank you. -[applause]

Thank you.

[cheering, applause]

♪♪

♪ Lift me up, beat me down ♪

♪ I've been pushed all around ♪

♪ Now I'm up lookin' down ♪

♪ Like a zabba on the ground ♪

♪ Feelin' great, in the zone ♪

♪ I ain't pickin' up the phone ♪

♪ Wit' it poppin' on my own ♪

♪ I'm about to catch a flow ♪

♪ What I'ma say? ♪

-♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪ -♪ Feelin' myself ♪

♪ Tunnel vision, I can't see nobody else ♪

-♪ Gimme the bag ♪ -♪ Gimme the bag ♪

-♪ I'll get it myself ♪ -♪ I'll get it myself ♪

♪ I bet they hear me through the walls ♪

♪ They thin as hell ♪

♪ Can't stop me no way ♪

♪ They got a slow pace ♪

♪ I been workin' night and day ♪

♪ I hit the flow state ♪

♪ Hit the flow state ♪

♪ Hit the flow state ♪

♪ I been workin' night and day ♪

♪ I hit the flow state ♪

♪ I'm focused, they notice ♪

♪ They see it in your eyes ♪

♪ I'm workin' ♪

♪ Although it looks like I don't... ♪