All language subtitles for Gina.Brillon.The.Floor.Is.Lava.2020.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

ANNOUNCER:
Please welcome to the stage

the talented, the amazing
Gina Brillon!

[cheering, applause]

♪♪

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I see you.

I see you.

[cheering, applause]

Wow. Oh, my God!

[cheering, applause]

You guys.

You guys, don't.
It's not waterproof.

[laughter]

I can't, I'm gonna cry off
my eyelashes.

Guys, I can't thank you enough.

What an incredible welcome.
Wow.

Uh, I'm excited for you
to be here.

Thank you for coming to
El Museo del Barrio.

I love that we're here, uh,
in this historic place,

and it-- it was so important
to me to do this special

in New York.

[cheering, applause]

Yeah.

I-- I love this city.

Like, I love this city,
I'm a native New Yorker,

I'm born and raised here.

And when you're born
and raised in New York,

you know New York
ain't for everybody.

[laughter]

That's how we like it.

[laughter]

We don't want anybody
just rollin' up in here.

Right? 'Cause people
come to New York

and then they complain
about being in New York.

And we're like,
then go.

[laughter]

Yeah.

[applause]

Like, we did not request
your presence.

You just showed up.

Then they walk around the city
complaining about everything,

like, New York is so gross.

New York is so gross.

I'm, like, really?

People don't openly poop
in the streets where you
come from?

[laughter]

Well, then, where you live
is lame.

[laughter]

Spice it up.

[laughter]

Are you guys--
You guys seem so ready.

Are you guys ready
to receive comedy?

[cheering]

Thank you.

I always feel like I need to
poll the audience now

'cause there's so much
sensitivity,

I feel like
I have to be like,

are you guys in a safe space
for some jokes?

[laughter]

Can you guys
forget your trauma
for a few minutes?

While I tell you about mine?

[laughter]

I try, I try to be sensitive
to everything,

but I'm losing myself
in this PC world of

being so correct,

I don't know what to
call people anymore.

Like, I don't know
what to call my garbage man,

a garbage person?

That seems harsh.

[laughter]

Like,
if somebody were to tell me
I'm a garbage person,

I'd be like, no, you have
such a good heart.

[laughter]

Why would you say that?

You're so fun and so kind.

They're like, no, Gina,

I pick up trash for a living.

You're an Uber driver?
That's crazy.

[laughter, applause]

I take Uber, too,
I'm trash.

[laughter]

I do. My favorite new game
is lying to Uber drivers

about what I do for a living.

'Cause I used to stupidly
tell them the truth.

I'd tell them I'm a comedian,

and they'd be like,
"Say something funny."

But when I tell 'em
I'm a stripper,
no more questions.

[laughter]

You don't want to know about
my relationship with my father?

Seems like an obvious line
of questioning.

Last time I got in a car,
the guy asked my what I did
for a living,

I was like, sir,
I'm not at liberty
to discuss that.

Please keep your eyes
on the road.

[laughter]

And then I just started
wiping my fingerprints
off of everything.

He was so scared.

[laughter]

Like I said,
I'm a native New Yorker,

I'm born and raised in
the South Bronx in New York.

[cheering, applause]

Woo! Yay.
I see you.

Greetings, gangsters.

[laughter]

A hardy year to all of you.

[laughs]

Being from the Bronx,
there's always gonna be, like,

a 'hood side to me.

Like, there's always gonna be
'hood in me,

like, there's 'hood me,

and then there's evolved me.

[laughter]

But 'hood me is still there.

Like, evolved me knows that
hurt people hurt people.

But 'hood me
just wants to hurt people,

she don't care about
your back story.

[laughter]

They're constantly battling
for control.

Like,
'hood me and evolved me.

I gotta leave 'hood me
repressed.

I keep her repressed...

until I get angry.

That's when the 'hood spirit

inhabits my body
against my will.

[laughter]

And I can't control
what happens.

And it scares people 'cause
they don't expect it from me.

It scares my husband.

It do.

'Cause I'll be like,
"Honey, can you take out
the garbage?"

And if he says
the wrong thing.

[laughter]

I'll be like,
"Oh, word!"

[laughter]

"Oh, we fightin' now?"

"Okay, okay, you know what?
I'ma calm down

before I key our car."

[laughter]

Say I won't.
Wish you would say I won't.

[laughter]

That's why I gotta let
evolved me run the show.

She's gotta navigate through
the non 'hood world.

'Cause sometimes you want to
handle something

like you would on the block.

Right? 'Cause I be like,

on my block,
this would be a fight.

But I can't beat you down
in a boardroom.

[laughter]

So now I gotta figure a way
to verbally beat you down.

You know,
still sound intelligent,

not use the F word.

I gotta Rubik's Cube
some words together.

[laughter]

Like, I don't mean to be
offensive but...

I'm not tryin' to
hurt your feelings.

All because I cannot take
the "are you stupid?"

out of my tone.

[laughter]

It's such a struggle.

It really is.

[applause]

It is such a struggle.

No matter what I say,
if I don't like you,

I could say good morning,
and you'll be like,

"What the hell did you
just say to me?"

[laughter]

I'll be like,
"I said good morning."

[laughter]

"Honey, call the police."

[laughter]

By the way,
when I say I'm 'hood,

I'm not Cardi B 'hood,

I'm, like, Drake 'hood.

[laughter]

Like, I'm not dangerous,

but I will be
the scariest person in Canada.

[laughter]

I just celebrated my two year
wedding anniversary

not too long ago.

-[cheering]
-Yeah.

Yeah.

You can clap,
I like him.

[laughter]

I appreciate those of y'all
who held your applause

to make sure
I was happy first.

It was like, "Huh?
Oh, she good, she good."

I got a good one,
I married a good dude,

I got me a 1978 Caucasian.

[laughter]

My husband's white,
that's what I'm tryin'
to tell y'all.

[laughter]

He's not just white,
he is Midwest white.

Yeah, that's right,
that's organic, girl.

-That is--
-[laughter]

Whoo!

That is farm to table white,
y'all, like that--

I went to the source
to get my white man.

[laughter]

I am not white,
I am Puerto Rican,

which, uh--

-[cheering]
-Yeah.

Yeah!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Thank you,
probably my cousins.

[laughter]

You know how we get around.

My husband loves the fact that
he's married a sassy Latina.

[laughter]

He loves to bring it up
in conversation

when it has nothing to do with
what we're talking about.

He'll be like,
"Hey, guys.

"My wife's Puerto Rican.

Enjoy your meal."

[laughter]

I get it, I mean,
he's excited.

I'm the only Latin woman
he's ever been with,

so I'm his first.

[laughs]

He's not my first white guy.
I have a--

[laughter]

I've been with white guys
before.

Mainly to get information
and take it back to my people.

[laughter]

I like how most of y'all
laughed.

[laughter]

Some of y'all were like,
"I knew it."

[laughter]

"I knew that was their plans
for world domination."

First white guy I dated
was years ago.

He took me to his parents'
lake house,

and I was like, oh.

'Cause that's when I found out
white people buy houses

that they don't live in.

[laughter]

I was like,
that's money money.

[laughter]

How many sub houses
do y'all have?

They had fancy food
at the lake house.

I remember this because
I was traumatized.

'Cause I wasn't used to that,

so I kept messin' up and
eatin' the decorations

thinkin' they were
part of the food.

[laughter]

Because fancy food is
food that's decorated
with other food.

And then you gotta figure out
what part of that

you're supposed to eat.

That's the game.

We've all been through it,
right?

You go to a posh restaurant,

you order what you think is
an adult size meal.

And they come at you with
a shrimp on a spinach leaf.

And a radish
shaped like a rose.

That's what they had
at the lake house,

I ate the whole thing.
I ate the whole thing.

Here's a pro tip:
if you eat the whole thing,

your boyfriend's parents
will talk to you like you're
an idiot the whole night.

I ate it, whole thing,
and they were like,

"The radish was a garnish."

[laughter]

"Can you say garnish?"

[laughter]

I was like, "Garnish?
Ain't that a Hindu god?"

[laughter]

Uh-uh-uh.

I grew up broke, man,
we don't know nothin' about
no garnishes.

Not unless you're
talkin' about our wages.

[laughter, applause]

Some of y'all remember
some bills you gotta pay
right now?

Is that goin' through
your head right now?

And when I say
I grew up broke,

I can always feel
the rich people in
the room's hearts break.

Whenever I say it,
they're always like--

[shuddering]

[laughter]

"You didn't even have
a little bit of a lot of money?"

[laughter]

"How did you live?"

I didn't know
we were broke, man.

I didn't know we were broke
until I was about, like, 13,

that's when the reveal
happened.

[laughter]

'Cause I volunteered at
a neighborhood food drive

and one of the bags
was for my family.

[laughter]

Imagine my surprise.

I showed up,
I was like,

"Who are we helping today?"

They're like,
"Help yourself, Gina,
grab a bag, get outta here."

We had a good time
growin' up, though, man.

We always had
a lot of dogs at my house

'cause my grandmother would
always pick up stray dogs.

Which became my attitude
towards men.

[laughter]

That's right. I see some guy
wandering the street,

I'm like,
"Are you lost, buddy? Huh?

"Are you lost?

"You wanna come home
with me? Huh?

I have bacon at my house."

[laughter]

We fed our dogs
rice and beans just like us.

The dogs would
look at us like,

"Damn, are we broke, too?
Like, what's goin' on?"

[laughter]

"What's goin' on
with this situation?"

One thing was great,
we had to be creative.

Like, me and my sibling,
when we would play games,

we had to play
broke people games.

Yeah, I see some of y'all
chuckling.

You guys know exactly
what I'm talkin' about.

Broke people games are
games that don't require
toys or money.

You just had to be creative.

Like, we had this one game
we used to play

called Adventure.

It was just us...

walkin' around a tree.

[laughter]

You had to hold onto the tree

'cause if your foot touched
the floor, you were out.

That was the adventure part.

Played another game
called Paper Ball,

you crumble up a paper,
you throw it to somebody,

you gotta keep it in the air,
'cause if it hits the floor,
you're out.

The floor was an integral part
of many...

broke people games.

Which is why
The Floor is Lava

is a historically
broke person game.

Some of these games
are passed down

from broke generation
to broke generation.

The Floor is Lava
is one of those games.

If you played
The Floor is Lava
and you had money,

you were appropriating
broke culture and we don't
appreciate that.

[laughter]

Uh-uh. Go to a theme park,
you got the money.

Why you gotta take from us?

We weren't broke forever.

I feel like
people always panic

when I say that
we were broke.

We weren't broke forever,
my parents were Latinos,

they worked really hard to
get us out of that situation.

You know,
we went from broke,

to okay, we doin' aight.

[laughter]

To, oh,
we got some money now.

Then back down to,
okay, we doin' aight.

[laughter]

Because when broke people
get money,

they don't know
what to spend it on.

You spend it on
your fantasies.

We got a little bit of money,

and my dad bought a boat.

[laughter]

We lived in the South Bronx.

[laughter]

Where shall we sail,
Papa?

[laughter]

Shall we follow
the pissy smell

to the Isle of Manhattan?

Let us away to sail.

Don't get it twisted, man.

I have nothin' but respect
for my parents.

I love my parents, man.

As I get older,
I realize

nobody teaches you
how to be a parent.

You gotta figure it out
as you go along.

The closest thing you get is
when they used to give you,

like, an egg to take care of
for like a week.

It's cool. I mean,
not in the schools I went to.

I went to school
in the Bronx, man,

we just brought
our actual babies.

[laughter]

I was like--

[laughter]

Hold on,
I don't need your egg,
I brought my son, like--

[laughter]

Matter of fact,
give me that egg,

I gotta feed my son,
you made me wake him up.

[laughter, applause]

After that,
I went to a school
that was, like,

majority white people.

That's when I learned
that I was dyslexic.

Uh, not from the teachers,
they just thought I was
writing in Spanish.

[laughter]

They were like,
"Don't correct here,
it's her culture."

[laughter]

Oh. I was so
racially frustrated
growing up.

Because I'm Latina
but I'm light "skinneded."

[laughter]

Yeah, so I always felt
I had to prove my ethnicity
to people constantly.

And I would do it
in stupid ways,

like throwing random
Spanish words into sentences.

I'd be like, "Okay, guys,
see you at escuela."

[laughter]

Like some sort of
live action Dora.

[laughter]

I just wanted to be
identifiably ethnic.

Like, I wanted to be darker.

I wanted darker skin
and a white boyfriend,

those were my only two goals.

'Cause that's
my parents' dynamic.

Both of my parents
are Puerto Rican,

but my dad is light skinned,

and my mom has beautiful
dark olive skin.

And I would watch her
put on her make up,

and she would wear
purple eye shadow

and vibrant blushes and
I thought she looked beautiful,

and then she would put
that same make up on me.

[laughter]

And I looked like
a damn clown.

[laughter]

And because of my light skin,
people always tell me

I look like my dad,
they be like,

"Oh, you look just like
your father."

I'd be like,
"Great. He's a man."

[laughter]

I want to look like my mom,
she's a woman.

Always felt so terrible
as a kid

'cause I thought
I look like a guy,

and now my voice is deep,
so I always thought

I sounded like a dude, too.

And plus, I'm Puerto Rican,

but I speak Spanish with
a Mexican accent.

[laughter]

Yeah, I know.

'Cause my friends are Mexican,
I went to a Mexican church,

I love tacos,
that was another reason.

Girl, yes.

I'm learning French now,

my biggest fear is
I'm gonna speak French
with a Mexican accent.

[laughter]

'Cause that's the accent
I'm most comfortable and
confident in.

But that's gonna be ridiculous
if I'm like,

[speaks French]

[laughter]

[laughs] Everybody's
gonna be like,

"That poor French
Puerto Rican Mexican girl."

[laughter]

She is confused.

And the wrong accent
can mess up the mood.

All right, like,
I downloaded a meditation

to help with anxiety,

and they guy doing
the guided meditation

had a Cockney British accent.

I don't know
if you've heard this,

but it is not comforting.

Like, I hit play,
and he was like,

[Cockney accent]
"'ello!

"My name's Nigel.

"I'm 'ere to 'elp you
with your anxiety.

All right, close your eyes."

[normal voice]
I will do no such thing,
Nigel.

[laughter]

I don't feel safe.

[Cockney accent]
We're gonna give thanks
for everything.

[normal voice]
I'm always jealous of people
with, like, awesome accents,

Or tattoos. I saw this guy
with a compass tattoo,

and in the middle of
the tattoo it said,

"You are here."

[laughter]

I was intrigued.

I was like, "Hey,
what does your tattoo mean?"

And he was like,
"Oh, this?

This is for, like,
when I feel lost."

[laughter]

"I just look down,

and I'm like, nah, bro.
You're right here."

[laughter, applause]

Probably the best tattoo story
I've ever heard.

He asked me if I had tattoos,
I was like,

"Oh, I have stretch marks
which are nature's tattoos."

[laughter]

Yeah, they signify that
I like bread,

that's what my tattoos mean.

This one's red velvet,

I got a couple of
everything bagels
right over here.

[laughter]

Ain't no shame in my game,
I love food,

I'm not even gonna pretend
like I don't.

I love food too much.

Too much. I walked into
a store the other day,

I saw my favorite pack
of Gummy Bears

and I gasped like I saw
a celebrity.

[laughter]

That's too excited
for Gummy Bears.

Oh, I try. Sometimes I see
like a super skinny person,

and I be like,
"Hey, you look great.
What do you eat?"

And there's always some
depressing list of things.

Like, "I eat lettuce
and asparagus

and sometimes I eat an onion."

[laughter]

I'm like,
"Oh, so there's no hope
is what you're saying?

'Cause I'm not doing
any of that."

I always hope they have,
like, some secret that
I've never heard of.

Like, they're gonna be like,
"Did you know that if you eat
a doughnut standing up,

it's like half the calories?"

[laughter]

Thank you, you skinny angel.

[laughter]

I try, man.
I'm trying to be vegan now.

I'm succeeding
on Instagram. Uh--

[laughter, applause]

Killin' it on the 'gram.

Took a picture of
a vegan brownie that I bought

and I posted it,
and somebody commented,

"Why do vegans always have to
brag about being vegan?"

I was like,
"That brownie was $10."

[laughter]

I'ma tell everybody
about that brownie.

I didn't eat it,
I just been showin' it
to people that come over.

[laughter]

Like, hey, look, this is what
a $10 brownie looks like.

[laughter]

Look at that.

Don't touch it.
Look at that.

[laughter]

Get your non vegan fingers
away from here.

[laughs]
I'ma make it into a necklace,
wear it at weddings.

You can recycle vegan food
like that.

It's hard, man.
It's hard being vegan.

It's not just no meat,
it's no milk, no eggs,
no honey.

I did find out, though,
you can eat honey and
still be vegan,

as long as nobody sees you.

[laughter]

Just eat honey in the shadows,
ain't nobody gonna care.

So far, the vegan mafia
has not caught on.

I really wish they would--
Oh, I would love to meet
the vegan mafia.

They'd show up at my doorstep,

like, "Hey,
I'm Tommy No Cheese."

[laughter]

"This is Coconut Milk Larry.

"And Agave Dave.

"We heard you been
eatin' honey,

we gotta have
a word with you out back."

[laughter]

My friends don't even trust
going out with me anymore.

They won't eat out with me
anymore

'cause every time they go,
now they do a check,

they're like,
"Is there gonna be
real food there?"

I'm like,
"As in those sawdust burritos
we had last time?

I thought those were
delicious."

The hardest was
telling my family

that I wasn't eating meat
over the holidays.

Trying to tell your
Latino family

that you don't eat meat,

they don't get it.

My mom was like,
"Even chicken?"

[laughter]

"Even steak?"

I was like,
"You know what?

"I'm gonna snort some quinoa
and just call it a night, Ma,
like--

[laughter]

"You ain't gotta work
this hard."

My mom works so hard on
the holidays, too,

she always start cooking
the night before.

My husband gets all excited.

He's always like,
"Damn, your mom can cook."

I'm like, "Well,
it don't run in the family,
so relax."

[laughter]

He, like, gets all excited.

There will be none of that.

You know, we do a prayer
in my family

before we do the dinner thing,

and I know it's not
everybody's thing,

but we're Latinos, so we're
like this with Jesus, so--

[laughter]

We gotta throw him
a little shout out.

But you gotta be careful
who you let do the prayer,

'cause there's always that one
passive aggressive family member

that's waiting to shout out
somebody's business--

In the prayer.

Like, "Dear Lord,
we're thankful for
everybody bein' here,

especially Gina who
never seems to have time
for anybody anymore."

[laughter]

"We're really happy that
her husband's here, too,

'cause it's about damn time
she got married,

-know what I'm sayin'"?
-[laughter]

"Hopefully,
this one doesn't have
a prison record.

"Anyway,
I'm sure you will heal her

in the way she needs to be
healed, Lord."

It's all the same, like,
everybody falls into
their little roles

when they come back,
you know what I mean?

Like, the same fights that
happened the year before

are gonna happen again
that next year,

and you're kind of
looking forward to it.

Soon as those people walk in,
you're like,

round two.

[laughter]

Finish it.

Everybody does their own
little thing, you know?

My mom still watches all of
her telenovelas, right?

Growing up, my mom had a VCR in
every single room of the house

so she could record all of her
favorite telenovelas.

And for those of you
that don't know,

a telenovela's like
a soap opera

but with more evil twins.

[laughter]

And more people dying, but
turning out to not be dead.

[laughter]

It's so amazing
'cause when somebody dies,

they still get upset, like,
"I know they killed Ruby."

I'm like, the show
is called "Ruby,"

I think she gonna come back.

[laughter]

Pretty sure.

She's gonna be aight.

I grew up watching both
Latino television

and American television,

and I noticed
the similarities.

A lot of the programs
were similar,

it's just that Latinos,
we always gotta be extra.

We always gotta be extra.
It's like, we looked at
regular soap operas,

and we're like,
you call that drama?
That's cute.

[laughter]

I'll show you drama.

[laughter]

Right? Everything's extra
about what we do.

Like, on American television,
they got "Kelly and Ryan,"

we got
"El Gordo y La Flaca."

[laughter]

That's right.

Which translates to
"The Fat Man and
the Skinny Woman."

'Cause who cares
what their names are.

[laughter]

It's like "Kelly and Ryan,"
but extra. Y'all know.

We all know if
"Kelly and Ryan"
was translated,

it would be "Las Flacas."

[laughter]

I know some of y'all want to
correct my Spanish right now,

but I said what I said.

I'm just kidding,
I'm just kidding.

[laughter]

I love seeing my family,
I'm closest with my sister,

I have an identical
twin sister,

and, uh,
I always tell people, hey,
if you don't like the show,

please make sure you harass
the right person online.

[laughter]

We get confused for each other
all the time.

Like, one time
I spent 20 minutes
getting yelled at

by a guy that
my sister ghosted.

I couldn't even blame him,
man,

it must have felt like he was
getting ghosted again,

but in real life.

[laughter]

Sir, I've never been to dinner
and a movie with you.

[laughter]

As a matter of fact,
I've been dead for four years.

[laughter]

I'm close to my brother, too.

My brother is openly gay,

he came out to me
when I was 14 years old.

I don't know how old he was
because gay men don't tell you
their age.

[laughter]

I lived with my brother
for three years,

and I had nowhere to go,
he took me in, he let me
live with him.

I lived in his living room
on a twin size bed.

And he had three cats.

And I have two ferrets.

It was like
a little urban zoo.

And those were
my single years,

so imagine bringing a guy home
to that super sexy scenario.

[laughter]

Every time
I brought a guy home,

I felt like a shameful
little Hobbit.

I was like,
please don't mind the smell.

[laughter]

Or the twin size bed.

Also, my brother's in
the next room.

[laughter]

It's hard enough
having your dates judged
by your brother,

but he's not just judging them
as my brother,

he's judging them
as a gay man,

so he'd be like,
that guy's not even cute.

[laughter]

I was like,
well, first of all,
I'm desperate.

[laughter]

'kay?

Second of all,
see first of all.

[laughter]

'Cause those were
the internet dating years
for me,

and dating has changed
so much.

It used to be about
finding a relationship,

finding something.

Now it's about who's closest
and can get naked the fastest.

It's like you're just
Amazoning people to your house.

[laughter]

I was on all of the apps,
too,

I was on Tinder,
I was on Bumble,

I was on JSwipe,
that's the Jewish one.

[laughter]

I thought it was for
if you wanted to date
a Jewish guy.

Apparently, it's also so they
can date Jewish women.

Whoops!

I got duped by a lot of
those dating apps

because someone taught guys
about high angles and filters,

and now they're using
our tricks against us, ladies.

[laughter]

How's that gonna work, man?

I don't look like how
I'm supposed to look,

you don't look like how
you're supposed to look.

How are we gonna
find each other at
this restaurant?

[laughter]

[applause]

Now we're just both
sittin' here

thinkin' we got stood up.

[laughter]

Lookin' for someone
that don't exist.

Those were weird times,
man.

A lot of girls
would use filters that had,

like, the animal filters
from Snapchat.

On their, like, profiles,
they'd have, like,

bunny rabbit ears or
a little kitty cat nose.

I never did that 'cause
I didn't want no freak
showin' up.

Right? Some guy shows up,
like,

"Hey, did you bring
them ears, though?"

[laughter]

"I'm sayin', you look
mad good as a rabbit."

[laughter]

That's all the dating apps
were, man,

dodging different levels
of freaks.

I met a lot of guys that were
into being dominated by women.

Girl, no.

[laughter]

Those men are impossible
to get rid of.

'Cause you can't tell 'em
to get lost, they're into it.

[laughter]

Can't be like,
"Get the hell away from me!"

"Yes, mistress."
No!

[laughter]

They're like the cockroaches
of the dating world,

you can't get rid of 'em.

You just gotta
make 'em useful,

be like, "Go get
my dry cleaning, loser."

He's like,
"Yes, mistress."

Exactly.

[laughter]

I remember there was one guy
I was dating for a little bit,

he wanted me to stay over,
like spend the night,

but he had
a sleep apnea machine,

and I was like--

[exhales]

How are you gonna make a move?

You cannot Darth Vader your way
into my pants.

I can't, like--

[heavy breathing]

"I will be your baby father."

[laughter]

No, you won't, booboo,
no you won't.

Thank God I met my husband.

I met my husband at a time
in my singlehood

where I was fully ready
to be a 'ho.

[laughter]

Let me explain.
Let me explain.

[laughter]

Every woman reaches that point
in her singlehood

where she gives up on
the pursuit for a relationship

and she waves the white flag
of 'ho-ness.

And she's like, I can't,
I can't do this no more.

And I was getting ready to
work on a cruise ship.

I met my husband
on a cruise ship,

so he's 90.

[laughter]

I'm tryin' to get that paper.
I'm kidding.

I was getting ready to do
comedy on this cruise ship,

and I got on that ship
with 'ho in my heart.

[laughter]

And then the first day
on that ship,

I-- I just see
the most handsome man
I've ever seen in my life,

and I had a crush on him
instantly.

And I was, like, no!

I was supposed to be a 'ho.

[laughter]

I was 'ho blocked.

[laughter]

So I stalked him.

'Cause that's what you do
when you like a guy.

Every woman in here knows
she's part FBI agent.

[laughter]

That's right.

[cheering, applause]

Soon as I had his full name,

I launched
a cyber investigation.

[laughter]

Do you know how hard it was
when I met his family

to pretend like
I didn't know everything
about them already?

[laughter]

I was so afraid that
I was gonna say someone's name

before they
introduced themselves.

Like, "Hey, Miriam,
how you doin', girl?

I mean, hey, girl,
what's your name?"

[laughter]

"How are the renovations on
the house goin--"

Damn! I wasn't
supposed to know that.

Man, we do creepy stuff.
Women can be creepy.

Nobody ever looks at our stuff
as creepy, though,

everything seems adorable
when we do it.

Guys be like,
"Oh, look at her,

she's so cute in my bushes.
Hey, girl, hey."

[laughter]

"She works so hard to
keep up with my schedule."

[laughter]

Man, I know I'm creepy.

I watch my husband sleep.

You know how I know
that's creepy?

'Cause if I ever woke up
and he was watching me sleep,

I'd be like,
he is 100 percent
gonna murder me,

like, that's what's
gonna happen.

I would not think
that was cute.

We do creepy stuff.
Women do creepy stuff, man.

We'll go through your
medicine cabinet.

You leave us alone
in your room,

we're goin' through
that drawer.

We're lookin' for clues,
tryin' to figure out
who you are.

Men will go through drawers,
too,

but they go right for
the underwear drawer.

[laughter]

They are not
lookin' for clues.

They will look past
a human foot

to see what kind of
drawers you got in there.

Like, "Is that a thong?
This girl's a freak."

[laughter]

Sometimes guys will sniff
a girl's clothing.

Women don't do that,
that's a creepy thing
women don't do.

We don't do that.

The only time we sniff
your clothing is if
there's a problem.

Like, we'll be like,
"Oh, you gotta wash that,
bro, like that's nasty.

Like, I'm just tryin' to
help you out, that's gross."

If a girl likes you enough and
she goes through your drawers,

if she finds something suspect,
she'll make excuses.

If she likes you enough,
she'll find your
antipsychotic meds,

and be like,
"At least he's trying
to get help."

[laughter]

"He's just tryin' to
help himself."

'Cause men will see red flags,
and they'll be, like,

"I'm out."

A woman will see red flags
and she's like,

"Ooh! A project."

[laughter]

"He don't need these pills,
he just need a hug."

[laughter]

"I'ma give him all the hugs
his crazy self needs."

[laughter]

So I did,
I stalked my husband.

Aight?

I had found out his schedule,

I would try to show up
lookin' all fly.

All right, one time
I looked real cute,

I was like, "He's totally
gonna flirt with me.

I look adorable."

He didn't, so...

But then one night
after a show,
he came up to me

and he was like,
"I just got to
see you perform.

"I think you're so talented,
I think you're so funny,
and you're--

you're the most beautiful
female comedian I've ever seen."

And I went,
"That's very specific,
but thank you."

Could have just said
beautiful,

I would have been
fine with it.

[laughter]

And then we talked,
we talked for hours,

and then we went back to
his cabin, and I was like--

[gasps]

I'ma get my 'ho-ment.

[laughter]

That's a 'ho moment,
y'all can take that home
with you.

[laughter]

And then we got married.

We did, we did it,
we made it happen.

-[applause]
-Yeah. Yeah.

It can happen for you, too.

You just gotta
want to be a 'ho.

[laughter]

That's it.
Just own it.

I was nervous,
I was nervous to get married

because my husband wanted us to
write our own wedding vows,

which, like, you know--

'Cause he has feelings.

I don't know how to
express myself.

I was so nervous
my wedding vows were gonna be

the most New York
gangster vows.

[laughter]

I was so afraid I was gonna
get up there and be like,

"Yo, I dead ass
love you, son."

[laughter]

Yo.

[cheering, applause]

Yeah.

"On God,
I love you my guy."

[laughter]

Then we'd just chest bump.

I'm like,
"Let's do this!"

The priest is like,
"You may now dap the bride."

I'm like, "Thanks."

Me and the bridal party gotta
jump him into the marriage
after that.

Couple gangsters,
couple gangsters.

[laughter]

Now that I'm married,
I'm constantly on guard

'cause I'm a jealous woman.

Not gonna lie,
it's the biggest issue
he has to deal with.

I'm jealous, man.

You would think it would
chill out when I got married.

Uh-uh.
If you talk to my husband
a second too long,

I'm like-- Ahhh.

[laughter]

I don't know
what your game is

with this flirty line of
questioning,

but I don't like it.

I'll be taking over
from now on,

and yes, he will have fries.

-[laughter]
-I see you.

Oh, I see you,
I see you.

I see you.

People get intrusive
with their questions,

they be like, "Oh, my gosh,
how tall is your husband?"

Husband height.

[laughter]

What cologne does he wear?
Scent of my husband.

[laughter]

His favorite movie's
our wedding video.

You can leave now.

[laughter]

They don't tell you this,
but when you get married
to somebody,

you marry the
entire bibliography
of their issues.

And you marry their family
who gave them those issues.

[laughter]

Like, his mom never made him
clean up his clothes as a kid.

Guess who's problem
that is now?

[laughter]

My husband will leave
little piles of clothing
on the floor

as if he was raptured
out of our apartment.

[laughter]

I'm like,
"Were you never beaten
as a child for this?"

[laughter]

[applause]

We were clearly
raised differently.

I know this one time,
he had an argument with
his mom in front of me,

and I was shocked 'cause
I didn't realize

you could argue with
your parents.

Like, Latinos live in fear
of our parents

well into our early 100s.

[laughter]

Right, like--

[applause]

I ain't tryin' to argue.

I love life.

[laughter]

He saw how shocked I was,
he was like,

"Don't worry, I would never
talk to you like that,"

and I was like,
"I don't suggest it."

[laughter]

You're a sound sleeper.

[laughter]

Why do I know this?

When you get married,
you gotta get used to

somebody being in your space
all the time.

Like, when I was single,
I woke up alone a lot.

[laughter]

Now, every time I wake up,
I'm like-- Ahh!

[laughter]

Oh, it's you.

It's like 100 times in a row.

[laughter]

Maybe you can get
a hobby or something.

Surprise me once in a while.

Everyone wants to
give you marriage advice
when you get married.

Some of it's helpful.
Most of it's trash.

'Cause they don't know how
your relationship works,

but everyone wants to
guide you.

One of my girlfriends
told me,

"If your husband acts up,
just withhold sex."

And I was like,
"What did I do?"

[laughter]

That punishment affects
both of us.

I don't like your methods.

Don't go to sleep angry,
that's another one.

I go to sleep angry
all the time.

'Cause he falls asleep
before me, and I'm just like--

[laughter]

Oh, you got nothin' to
over think right now?

[laughter]

Okay. Okay.

I had to get used to being
responsible to another person,
too.

That was hard, man.

When my husband asks me if
I paid my credit card bill,

I gotta stop myself
from bein' like,

"None of your business, bro!"

[laughter]

'Cause then I remember,
like,

Oh, yeah,
it is his business.

[laughter]

And-- No.

[laughter]

I'm not a good grown up.

I love my husband,
but he can be dramatic.

He can be dramatic sometimes.

Like last week,
he sat me down,
he was like,

"We need to talk."

And I was like,
"Uh-oh.

Here's the divorce."

[laughter]

He said, "Our neighbor
came by today."

I was like-- [gasps]
We have neighbors?

[laughter]

'Cause I don't be
talkin' to nobody.

He said,
"Our neighbor came by today,

he said that he can hear us
having conversations through
the wall."

And I was like,
"Yeah. This is New York.

That's how apartments
are made, bro."

[laughter]

"Why do you think after
every time we make love,

I high five the wall?"

[laughter, applause]

I gotta let 'em know.

Gotta let 'em know
we good.

He wants to get a house now.
He wants to get a house.

I don't want to clean
a house.

A whole house?

He's not gonna clean it.

We live in a less than
one bedroom apartment
right now.

[laughter]

And we are in
a cleaning stand off.

I always win 'cause
I make it racial.

I be like, "Why I gotta clean,
'cause I'm Puerto Rican?"

[laughter]

I told him
we can't get a house,

not unless we get a maid,
and I can't do that.

I can't get a maid.

Imagine that,
I open the door,

there's one of my aunts
standing right there.

I be like, "Damn, tia,
you would have done this
for free."

[laughter]

"Now I gotta pay you."

I know how much
cleaning a house--

I know how much work that is.

I grew up in a house.

My mom made us clean it
every weekend, both days.

That's right, 'cause
the weekdays were for school.

So the weekend was for
our fun time,

which, apparently,
was cleaning.

[laughter]

And we would get up, man, and
she would try to trick us, man.

She would play salsa music
all loud

like we were having a party.

You'd go downstairs,
the only party guests are

Windex and some paper towels.

[laughter]

She was like,
"Welcome to the party."

[laughter]

You're not gonna trick us,
Mom, we know this ain't fun.

But now, every time I hear
salsa music,

I start sweeping
and washing dishes.

[laughter]

Like Pavlov's Puerto Rican,
I gotta--

Must-- Must clean.

Must clean.

[laughter]

My husband wants that
traditional life,

he likes-- he likes when
I do stuff for him.

Like, he likes when
I cook for him.

I made my husband
a 'hood delicacy
not too long ago.

'Hood delicacy,
that's-- that's rice
with an egg on top.

[cheering, applause]

My next 'hood delicacy
has to be chopped cheese.

Uh-- Yeah.
That's right.

But I'ma use vegan cheese,
he don't need to know.

[laughter]

'Cause all my food shopping
is bougie now.

'Cause I go to bougie
supermarkets.

'Cause I grew up on
ghetto supermarkets,

and I'm, like,
I ain't doin' that no more.

Right? You ever been to
a ghetto supermarket,

you know that it looks like
a homicide just happened.

No matter which way
you go into it.

Like, I'm gonna walk down
the freezer aisle,

it's gonna be ice cream
and a dead body.

And I gotta hope
the security footage
doesn't go viral

when I step over that body
to get that ice cream.

Gonna be like,
"Oh, all right, people,

"but I'm gonna grab this
rocky road real quick,

'cause, uh, YOLO!
You know that."

Keep it movin'.

[laughs]

You never know who works at
a ghetto supermarket,

'cause, uh,
they don't wear uniforms.

[laughter]

They just walk around like
plain clothes cops.

[laughter]

You just gotta look for
the angriest person,

that's their--
that's their uniform,
it's anger.

You find that person.

They always get annoyed
by you.

Like,
no matter what you ask,

they're so bothered
by your presence.

At bougie supermarkets,
they are so nice, man,

it doesn't matter
what you ask.

You can ask them
to do your taxes,

they'll sit with you...

in one of the aisles
and help you out.

Ghetto supermarket,
you ask where the milk is,

they're like-- Ugh!

They look at you like
they're tryin' to figure out

whether they should
fight your or help you.

They're like,
"Come with me. Damn."

[laughter]

I do a lot of
bougie stuff now.

Even stuff I don't like.

I get massages.
I don't like massages.

Being locked in a room
with a stranger that's
touching me.

I've been trying to
avoid that my whole life.

[laughter]

Why would I do this
to myself now?

I had a rough massage
last week, man.

You ever had a massage
that's so rough,

you be like,
"Who hurt you?"

[laughter]

"Why are you taking this out
on my spine?"

I always get so stressed out
on massages,

'cause I'm either in pain,

or the whole time
I'm sittin' there goin',

"Don't fart, don't fart."

[laughter]

"Don't fart."

One time I went to
a Korean masseuse,

and she said
she was gonna give me
an intestinal massage,

I was like,
that's not what you
wanna do, sis.

[laughter]

No. Don't do that, sis.

There's, like,
30 years of tacos in there,

you don't need to--

You don't want to
mess with that situation.

I have a personal trainer.

That's bougie.

His job is to shame me
into doing things.

Personal trainers are like
professional bullies.

He still gets my lunch money,
but now I gotta do

a bunch of burpies
before I give it to him.

[laughter]

The bougiest thing I do
is see a therapist.

Oh, yeah.

My Latino family had
a moment of silence

when they found out.

'Cause Latinos don't talk
to therapists, man,

we talk to Jesus or priests.

That's your two options.

I'm actually back on
speaking terms

with my therapist right now.

[laughter]

Let me tell you
what happened, though.

Every year,
he goes on vacation
for a month,

which, first of all, rude.

[laughter]

Every time he leaves,
I'm like,

"You said no one would ever
leave me again."

[laughter]

I'm all passive aggressive
when he comes back,

I'm like,
"How was your vacation, Alan?"

[laughter]

"Did you meet any
new patients in Hawaii?"

"Give me your phone,
let me see your phone,
give me your phone."

"Let me find out you got
some side patient in Hawaii

you was with
this whole time."

And she's just like me,
some Hawaiian Puerto Rican
with abandonment issues.

I just feel like
he should provide

some sort of
substitute therapist
for when he leaves.

Like somebody just
wheels in a TV, like,

"Dr. Rosenthal's
away this week,

so... here's
'To Kill a Mockingbird.'

Good luck with
your struggles."

He always tells me
I need to respect boundaries,

or maybe that was his wife,
I don't know, it was 3 a.m.,
I was drunk.

[laughter]

Then don't give me
your cell phone number.

[laughter]

Uh! We're working on
my insomnia now,

I have terrible insomnia.

If you've ever had insomnia,
you know how much it sucks.

But what sucks even more
is when you tell somebody
you have insomnia,

and they tell you
how well they sleep.

[laughter]

It never fails, I'll tell--
Any time I tell someone
I have insomnia,

somebody goes,
"Oh, my God, that's crazy,

"'cause I close my eyes,
I fall asleep like this,

it's the most amazing
thing in the world.

"I don't know how I do it.
I'm, like, amazing,

"I just fall asleep,
it's so easy for me.

"I don't need anything,
like, I don't need tea,

I don't need melatonin,
I just fall asleep this,
I close my eyes."

[laughter]

Do you think you're
inspiring me

to do something
I've never tried before?

Like, I'm gonna be like,
"What, you close your eyes?"

[laughter]

"I've been sittin' there
like this the whole time."

[laughter]

"You're a genius."

I couldn't sleep last night,
man.

I was just up.

3 a.m.,
chillin' with my demons.

[laughter]

That's all it is, man,
I was like,

"What's up, insecurities?"

"Hey, procrastination,
funny you'd be on time
for this."

[laughter]

You're never doing
anything productive,

that's the most
frustrating thing.

If you're like me,
you're just up rethinking

conversations you had
during the day,

and coming up with
better responses.

[laughter]

Or you're-- you're on
the internet

for the next 97 hours...

looking at weird
animal friendship videos.

[laughter]

Which are my favorite,
by the way.

I love those videos,
I'm like,

"A kitten and a monkey,
how'd they even meet?"

[laughter]

"They don't hang out
in the same places.

"Was the monkey
in a pet store?

"Was the kitten in a jungle?

I have to know
the rest of this."

That's the positive stuff
on the internet.

There's a bunch of
negative stuff on
the internet, too, man.

Hate is everywhere
on the internet.

But hate's gonna happen,
we can't be afraid of it.

Happens to all of us,
and we all do it, man.

You ever meet somebody and
right away you hate them?

[laughter]

Just everything in you goes,

nope!

[laughter]

Mm-mm.

Not you.

[laughter]

I know what we need to
stop doing,

we need to stop hatin' on
millennials for real.

'Cause it's gettin' old,
and it's gettin' tired.

Plus, I think millennials,
all they did was

look at what was historically
and systemically wrong,

and then look at
the rest of us, like,

"Y'all know you don't have to
put up with this, right?"

And then older generations
were like,

"Shut up, nerds."

[laughter]

"What's wrong with
the way things were, man?

I was bullied and
I turned out fine."

Like-- [laughs]
Oh, you're a psychopath.

[laughter]

You're not fine.

Like, you're a bully.

You were bullied and now
you're a terrible human,

I wouldn't use that
as a defense

against millennials.

All right, guys,
I gotta get out of here,

but, uh, thank you all
for coming out tonight,

you all have been amazing.

-[cheering, applause]
-I had an amazing time
with you.

I love you all.
Thank you so much.

[cheering, applause]

There is one more thing.

Thank you so much
for standing up.
Oh, my God.

-Thank you.
-[cheering, applause]

You can all sit,
you can all sit.

But thank you.
You're a very standy crowd,

I like it.

I like your--
your ability to
squat and stand,

I'm envious.

I'm envious of your
knee strength.

There is a story that I
wanted to share with you guys

before I let you guys go,
so bear with me.

First of all, I want to
dedicate this special

to a friend of mine
who recently passed.

This is for Angelo Lozada.

[cheering, applause]

I started comedy when I was,
uh, 17 years old.

Started at 17,
and I've been doing it

probably about 22 years,
a little over 22 years now.

And, um, I know,
some of you are like,

"She wasted her life."
No. [laughs]

No, I-- I discovered comedy
at 14 years old.

I was, uh, channel surfing
through my parents' cable,

unbeknownst to them.

I was watching a horror movie
and I thought I heard footsteps,

so I switched the channel
'cause, you know, I didn't
want to die.

Um, so I switched the channel,
and I switched it to comedy.

I didn't even know,
I just kind of switched it,

and the woman on stage,
the woman doing a special
was Brett Butler.

And it was
"Brett Butler Sold Out."

And that was the first
comedy special I ever saw.

And I didn't know what
comedy was,

I didn't know
anything about it,

but when I saw this woman there,
I was completely mesmerized.

She was beautiful,
she was smart, she was funny.

at 14 years old,
I understood her sarcasm,

I understood everything.

And immediately,
I knew...

that's what I want to do
with my life.

And you have to understand,
like,

I grew up watching
Latino television,

so whenever I saw
a woman on camera,

she was either scantily clad,

or legitimately
dressed like a clown.

This was the first time
I saw a woman

controlling a room
with her intellect alone.

And I was blown away,
and I was like,

this is what I want to do
with my life,

I don't know how,
but I'm gonna do it.

And then,
probably about a week later,

I saw George Lopez.

And now I've seen a woman,
and a Latino,

and I was like-- [gasps]

I'm a hybrid mix of
both of those.

[laughter]

So in my little
14 year old brain,

I was like,

"There's no reason
I can't do this,"

'cause you know how
when you're a teenager,

you think nothing bad
can happen?

I was just there
in that mindset,

and I remember thinking,
like,

having no fear.

Just going for it.

With nothing behind it,

other than the pure force
of my belief

that this was what
I was meant to do.

And what I want
from this special

more than anything else

is to be for that next kid
that's watching at home

what Brett Butler and
George Lopez were to me.

[applause]

You know...

coming where I come from,

you don't get told
to live your dreams.

You get told to survive.

You're told the opposite.

That dreams are stupid.

You know, that dreams,

they are never gonna happen.

And I guess I never really...

believed that for one second.

And it was the support of
my family and this faith

that this was what
I was supposed to do

that kind of kept me going.

And so I think the message
I want people at home to get,

and you guys to leave with
is that

if you're sitting there
wondering, like,

should I go for it,
should I, you know,

try to reach my goals,
reach my dreams,

the answer is absolutely.

I was just a little girl
in the South Bronx

who had a dream bigger than
she could even imagine.

Had a dream that

nobody believed
she should have had.

I had no advantages
over anybody.

The only advantage I had was
I didn't quit.

-So thank you.
-[applause]

Thank you.

[cheering, applause]

♪♪

♪ Lift me up,
beat me down ♪

♪ I've been pushed
all around ♪

♪ Now I'm up
lookin' down ♪

♪ Like a zabba
on the ground ♪

♪ Feelin' great,
in the zone ♪

♪ I ain't pickin' up
the phone ♪

♪ Wit' it poppin'
on my own ♪

♪ I'm about to
catch a flow ♪

♪ What I'ma say? ♪

-♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪
-♪ Feelin' myself ♪

♪ Tunnel vision,
I can't see nobody else ♪

-♪ Gimme the bag ♪
-♪ Gimme the bag ♪

-♪ I'll get it myself ♪
-♪ I'll get it myself ♪

♪ I bet they hear me
through the walls ♪

♪ They thin as hell ♪

♪ Can't stop me no way ♪

♪ They got a slow pace ♪

♪ I been workin'
night and day ♪

♪ I hit the flow state ♪

♪ Hit the flow state ♪

♪ Hit the flow state ♪

♪ I been workin'
night and day ♪

♪ I hit the flow state ♪

♪ I'm focused,
they notice ♪

♪ They see it in your eyes ♪

♪ I'm workin' ♪

♪ Although it looks like
I don't... ♪