Original subtitles

Previously on Future Man ...

I think we're looking at temporal decay.

It's like a black hole, but for time.

Time overlapping,

future and past existing simultaneously.

It's the source of all our anomalies,

and it's getting bigger.

Eventually, it'll get so big,

it'll suck every timeline into it.

‐ Another you saved me. He called himself J1.

Nut‐face.

You were supposed to take me home.

‐ The home I promised you is real, Josh.

A refuge off the grid,

beyond the reach of the time constables.

It's called Haven.

Enter these coordinates. ‐ They're in.

So now press the button.

Take us to Haven. ‐ So what do you want from me?

‐ Deliver me Haven, I'll deliver you

to the timeline of your choice, records wiped clean.

All you have to do is get to Haven,

activate those devices.

‐ Can you do a full memory wipe thing on me?

So I can forget everything

that's happened to me since I left home?

You just want to erase us from your entire life?

‐ Is this Haven? ‐ No, it's Iowa.

‐ Fucking bin Laden.

Is that Haven?

No.

That's just something happening that shouldn't be.

‐ Yeah, you know, come to think of it,

an ice cream cart did fall on me in the 17th century.

Wait, I saw a yield sign there.

Guys, did we break time?

‐ Hey.

Hey, you did nothing.

If anyone broke time, it was entirely us.

So where's all the time scum?

‐ I don't know.

I think this is just Iowa State.

I mean, think about it.

If Haven is supposed to exist outside of time,

then how are we supposed to get there using a TTD?

What are we doing in Ames, Iowa,

December 31, 1999 then?

‐ Y2K.

Okay, at the start of the new millennium,

there was supposed to be this, like, massive computer glitch

that would cause absolute global pandemonium.

But nothing happened.

Except maybe, something did happen.

All right, this is not Haven.

But I believe that tonight at midnight,

something is going down that's gonna take us there.

‐ Wow. Wow.

Watching you break that down was impressive.

‐ Yeah. Yeah, okay.

So what is our next move, boss?

‐ Okay, look.

You guys being fake nice to me is not gonna change my mind

about going home and erasing you from my memory.

‐ Then fuck you, janitor!

‐ You're garbage. Your plan's garbage.

‐ That's more like it.

I'm gonna go find the computer lab.

Somewhere on this campus, someone is up to no good

with a computer, and I'm going to track them down.

The student union is there so the computer lab must be...

So this breakup is really happening.

I'm moving on to the second stage of grief.

Anger. To hell with the boy.

Where are we going with our one‐way time tickets?

Back to the sewers.

‐ You mean the nightmare we escaped?

Those sewers? ‐ Uh, yeah.

We're conquering heroes

returning to slaughter those who did us wrong.

Cool, cool. Related idea. ‐ Where's North?

‐ Hmm? ‐ Cabo 1989.

Don Johnson's 40th birthday blowout.

36 hours of linen shirts, clams on the half shell,

and enough cocaine to kill Buddy Hackett.

It was a helluva weekend. Just one problem, weekends end.

‐ Okay, so that's not really‐‐

‐ Or do they? ‐ Oh, my God.

‐ That very weekend, I had a brainstorm

to spin a tapestry of eternal cool, Cabo Wabo Cantina.

‐ Wait, didn't Sammy Hagar‐‐

‐ Shut up! Sammy Hagar invented nothing.

He just showed up on Sunday morning uninvited,

stole my favorite Joe Camel beach towel,

and my idea.

He turned Cabo Wabo into a fucking joke.

And now, we're being given a chance to fix all that.

By killing Sammy Hagar?

‐ No. ‐ Okay.

‐ Maybe. If there's time.

Look. Just picture it.

Okay? ‐ Sure.

‐ Toes in the summer sand.

Fingers gripping a sweaty Corona.

Someone says,

"Hey. Hey, guys.

Who wants to go catch some kingfish?"

‐ Ew.

‐ And you just pile into a speedboat.

And...

That's Cabo Wabo.

Well, you mean, like,

like the restaurant inside the malls, Cabo‐‐

- No. - No, no, no.

He's talking about a fishing expedition.

‐ No! No.

It's a state of mind, okay?

The feeling of a fishing expedition.

The feeling of a weekend you want to never end.

‐ Wait, wait, wait, guys.

This is it. Come on, come on.

‐ Mm. It's fresh.

Shattered in haste.

Can't be more than a day or two.

‐ Ugh.

Okay.

What were you after?

Oh, shit.

Guys, someone stole a military computer.

That is never a good thing.

‐ Yeah, must be some kind of mad genius hell‐bent

on doing something nefarious as fuck.

‐ Hang on.

Looks like we're not the only ones

trying to figure out what's going to happen on Y3G.

Time rogues.

‐ Guys, come on. We're gonna lose them.

- There. - No, no, no.

‐ Hey, act like you've stalked

interdimensional time miscreants before.

‐ Yeah, stick to the shadows, rook.

Okay. Sorry.

‐ How do you feel about "Beluga's Last Dive"?

You read my mind.

‐ Okay, guys. This is our last mission.

For once, can you please tell me what the hell that means?

Oh, just a dead sprint.

It has nothing to do with belugas.

Juan Pablo, I told you no more dudes.

Oh.

You can stay though. What's up?

- ‐ No and never. - Okay.

Dudes can stay if they can answer this question.

Who would win in a fight between Blade and Neo?

‐ Oh, I got here. I got this, guys.

Obviously that all depends upon

whether or not they're inside the Matrix‐‐

‐ God damn it, these aren't time rogues.

They're nerds.

‐ Wolf, that is not cool.

‐ Yeah, you're telling me. Look at these dweebs.

‐ Oh, my God. ‐ What's with the outfits?

‐ Costumes for our New Year's party.

The theme is "The Next Millennium."

Oh, next time, make the theme "Girls,"

and maybe some will show up.

Am I right?

Yeah.

Okay, we've still got six minutes.

Clearly, this is a dead end, all right?

Let's double back to the computer lab.

We still have enough time. If we scour the entire campus‐‐

Wolf!

No. Get down right now!

‐ Come on.

Hm, looks like our computer genius

is free jacking some serious kilojoules.

Wolf, let's move.

Keg's tapped. Happy New Year, nerds.

‐ Move, soldier. ‐ It's not my fault.

I needed to kill that keg to teach them a lesson.

‐ What lesson? ‐ I hate nerds.

All right, Dick Clark back in Times Square

live atop the Marriott here.

And there's a lot of music going on down below.

We've heard from Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow.

Later on, Barbra Streisand.

And this is the place to be.

You know, each night,

6 million volts of electricity are shoved...

- ‐ Oh, that's a lot of juice. - This has got to be it.

This way.

In one minute,

the ball will drop and you will see pandemonium.

‐ Come on.

Yes, yes, yes.

Shit.

Guys, we're not gonna make it.

‐ Yes, we are. We're going back to the sewer.

We're so close, I can taste it.

‐ I have not signed off on that.

Drop 30 seconds. 30!

Glittering and showing off...

Get close to somebody you love.

‐ You were serious about that Mexico thing?

‐ It's called Cabo Wabo, and I've never been more serious

about anything in my entire life!

You hear that sound? They know it's gonna happen.

Push the button, Mayor. Push the button.

Get set. 9, 8...

‐ This is it. It's gonna fix everything.

‐ This will fix everything.

Four, three, two, one.

2000.

‐ Cabo Wabo.

‐ Sewer.

‐ What is happening?

‐ It felt like my skin folded inside out.

‐ Did Jesus just wave to me?

‐ All right, calm down.

Act like you've been in a vortex before.

‐ Is this Haven?

Well, it better be. TTD's melted.

‐ Okay.

That means these cubes just became

our only way out of this fog dumpster.

Oh, well.

Either we made it, or that is one big coincidence.

‐ Okay, everyone knows the mission.

We use the cubes, we map out a perimeter,

and find the center point.

Then we merge the cubes, activate the beacon,

summon Susan, we go home.

Let's start with the perimeter. Come on.

No. Okay, try this way.

‐ Okay.

So safe to say we're looking at a bit of wonky perimeter here.

‐ Okay. To the center.

All right. There's a fork in the road.

Let's split up. Watch your six.

You run into anyone, get answers by any means necessary.

Yahtzee.

It's not literally a wet sarong.

It's the vibe of a wet sarong.

‐ Okay, but is there guacamole like at the real one, or‐‐

‐ What I'm describing is the real Cabo Wabo.

It just... you know what? I feel bad for you.

You're gonna be living your C minus life

while I'm A plus‐ing it up with Busey and the boys.

Uh‐oh. Time scum, 12:00.

And he's a tall drink of water.

You take out his shins. I'll go high.

‐ Do mine eyes deceive me?

‐ Abraham Lincoln? ‐ Joshua Futturman.

I am so happy to have you back.

The others will rejoice.

The others?

‐ Everybody, look who's here.

‐ Josh. ‐ Josh.

I can't believe you're alive.

I can't believe you're alive, James Dean.

It's you. It's really you.

Oh. Marilyn Monroe.

- ‐ Josh, you're back. - And Martin Luther King?

Finally. One of my dreams came true.

How is this even... What the fuck?

And yes, look.

We remembered you.

And lo, he arrived, a savior,

whisked in on wings of time unknown.

He foretold of certain doom,

all of us destined to die, too young, too soon.

Because of his mighty deeds,

we hath not perished from this Earth.

He called himself...

Future Man.

‐ This is bad.

Oh, van Gogh, I...

‐ Van Gogh doesn't handle criticism very well.

‐ Oh, don't coddle him.

Constructive feedback's the only way

he'll grow as an artist.

Is it true?

Our savior back from the dead.

‐

One second, please.

‐ Get your shit together.

You're wilting under the spotlight.

‐ This is just so fucked, man.

‐ Oh, that it is. I mean, you saved van Gogh.

- What about Basquiat? - Who?

No, they think that I'm Nut‐Face Josh

with his savior complex and everything.

He just had to go and save Jesus.

And why wait until he's on the cross?

Wouldn't it be a much better extraction point

to get him at the Last Supper?

‐ Noted. Look.

Let's just assess our sitch here.

Another version of you Magic School Bussed

a top‐notch, eclectic group of super celebs

to what appears to be a totally functional utopia.

I say we jump in that Jacuzzi for a while,

and see how the water feels.

No, no, no. All right?

We're getting out of here, we're going home.

I wanna see my family, and this is just too weird.

‐ Call me crazy, but a room full of A‐listers

who wanna slob your knob is maybe just a little bit better

than living at home with your parents.

‐ No, no.

I can't stay here pretending to be the other Josh.

Okay? That's wrong‐‐

‐ All I'm saying is,

this isn't the hell Susan advertised it to be.

Plus, you've got status here.

Let's use that to get a proper lay of the land.

And when the heat of the spotlight starts to burn,

I step in.

I've already got a good base tan.

‐ Hmm.

I guess, you know, hob‐knobbing it with a bunch of my heroes

in a gorgeous setting isn't the worst thing I could think of.

Mm‐hmm. Now you get it, my son.

That's Cabo Wabo.

‐ All right, okay, uh,

What did I miss?

‐ Ah! Back again!

‐ Okay now! ‐ Whoo!

‐ Yeah.

‐ You know who's gonna freak out the most?

Gandhi.

‐ I'm gonna hurt you, Gandhi. I am gonna hurt you real bad.

So stop bullshitting, and start talking.

There is no starting or stopping.

Those are conventions of another world.

‐ All righty, quit yapping in circles, Four Eyes.

I need intel on your perimeter, your defenses,

and what kind of weapons I'm dealing with.

You seek to bind the boundless.

‐ I see.

Stop writing fucking fortune cookies and give me answers.

‐ If it's answers you seek,

you must go to the enchanted meadow.

‐ Great. Was that so hard?

Who's up there? Hmm?

You walking me into a trap? Who's gonna enchant me?

The greatest of all time.

‐ Okay.

Fuck you, you stretched out baby.

You know what? How about this, huh?

What about this? Oh.

So Tupac and Biggie are friends?

‐ They formed a union

that has so far yielded three revolutionary mix tapes.

‐ Buddy, Ritchie. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

So what do you three‐chord gunslingers get up to at night?

‐

There is no night here, so not much.

‐ Right, right.

But you know, what's the scene like?

‐ Now that Josh is back, we'll probably jam a little.

‐ That's right, man.

‐ Oh, you know, I've been known to noodle on the ol' axe.

‐ Well, no. Guitar is kind of my thing.

‐ Yeah, that's cool. That's cool.

It's probably best if I just hang back on tambo.

‐ I guess you could play tambourine,

but you'd have to take it from Anne.

Anne Frank?

Yeah, I should probably let her keep it.

She could use the win.

Buddy? Ritchie?

The smell of sun tan oil,

lingering taste of tequila and lime on your tongue,

bathtub‐warm seawater

gently tugging at your Puka shell ankle bracelet.

‐ So a beach?

‐ No. Come on, James Dean.

Calling JFK Jr. my nemesis is too strong.

Frenemy? Not strong enough.

Point is, you fucked his dad. I knew the son.

Let's dish.

‐ Your bravado hides a deep sadness.

Well, yeah? What are you trying to hide?

Norma Jean?

‐ Hey, Wolf? A word.

‐ Oh, finally. Somebody on my level.

What can I do you for, JC?

‐ You're seated at the right hand of Josh.

How did you find the light of his favor

and become his apostle?

‐ Oh, fuck this place.

‐ Yeah, yeah, greatest of all time.

That bald fuck.

Okay.

‐ What's going on here? Something's off.

Huh, maybe this nerd house will have some answers.

Joan of Arc. Vincent van Gogh.

Jesus. Buddy Holly.

I wonder if this tome holds a secret

to why you're such a dick.

"There's no night, only day.

I should have got on that plane."

Buddy, where is the chorus?

Oh.

Okay, great.

And I was starting to worry I was the problem.

‐ I traveled through time.

A hero. A humble janitor.

And you treat me like a dog?

I will not be chained and muzzled.

I will not be stopped!

‐ He's pushing.

I give him that note every time.

I'm a man! Not a dog, I'm a man!

Okay, you know, I gotta get some air.

I don't blame you.

This is the worst theater experience I've ever had.

I'm a man! Not a dog, I'm a man!

I'm a human man!

And you're tearing me apart!

Hey, sad boy. You okay?

‐ Yeah.

‐ Come on, Josh.

Talk to me.

‐ I'm sorry, okay?

I misled you. I misled all of you.

I'm not the Josh that saved everyone.

Okay? I'm from a different timeline.

‐ That doesn't sound so bad.

‐ No, you don't get it, okay?

I'm not really who everyone in there thinks that I am.

I mean, can you understand having to live up

to the pressure of the fantasy that everyone has of you?

It's... ‐ Yes.

‐ Oh, shit. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Right.

Yeah, of course, yeah.

‐ If Gandhi's gonna tell me that a goat

has all the answers, then you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna slice that goat open,

and I'm gonna wear its entrails like a chunky necklace.

I have to kill you.

Because it's what I do. It's who I am.

Isn't it?

‐ You know, you are the first person

that's been nice to me in so long.

‐ Aw.

‐ I mean, you and Osama bin Laden.

‐ Oh. ‐ But to be fair,

he was only being nice to me

because he wanted something. ‐ Oh, men.

‐ Exactly. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Exactly. Oh, Marilyn.

Huh. Who would've thought we'd have so much in common?

‐ Feeling better? ‐ I am, yeah.

Wait, how long have we been out here?

I'm sure you have better things to be doing.

‐ Well, I have all the time in Haven.

Which is none and lots.

‐ Okay. Anyways, thanks.

‐ It's the least I can do, Josh.

You saved me.

‐ Again, you know that I'm not that same Josh, right?

‐ I got a second chance here.

Maybe it's time you gave yourself one.

‐ Hmm.

No, no, no. Hey!

I was in the middle of something.

‐ We gotta get back on mission. ‐ Oh, what?

Buddy Holly wouldn't let you play the tambo,

and now you wanna bail? Yeah, I saw that.

‐ No. Something's off here.

I did some snooping around. Shit ain't right.

So let's just get you home

to your incredibly not weird relationship with your parents.

‐ Well, hang on. Slow down.

I feel like people here are happy.

Maybe us destroying this place for our own benefit is wrong.

‐ Wait a minute.

Was Marilyn Monroe just hitting on you?

Hi. Oh, you think?

‐ Well that's it. Evil lurks here.

‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I just figured it out.

You can't stand for one second not being Mr. Hot Shit.

‐

‐ Yeah, Abraham Lincoln was on my jock.

James Dean was hanging on my every word.

‐ Ugh, nobody likes a name‐dropper.

‐ You are jealous.

‐ Please, I've been jealous of two people my whole life.

‐ Oh, yeah. Are you gonna drop their names?

‐ No. ‐ Hmm.

‐ But if I was,

it'd be Alice Waters and pre‐born‐again Kirk Cameron.

Only 16 years old, and had the whole town by the balls.

Yeah. ‐ Lucky son of a‐‐

Tiger'll back me up.

Tiger, this place is bridge and tunnel.

Let's bounce. ‐ No, we gotta stay longer.

Dig deeper. Just a few more days.

‐ Days? What days?

That thing just clicks the same second over and over.

What about the mission? ‐ Missions evolve.

‐ See, Wolf? Missions evolve.

You wanna jump in the Jacuzzi? The water's warm.

‐ It's only cool when I say it.

‐ Hmm, not here it isn't.

Oh, Marilyn. Hey.

Let's go get MLK...

‐ I gotta go see a goat about a me.

‐

I'll go back to the sewer. Sewer's back on the table.

There's something off about this place.

It's not me. It's not me!