Original subtitles

Ah, the last day of the school year

Today is the day we seniors celebrate graduation and move on with our lives

It's also the day the entire campus takes part in the annual 24 hour party starting at 6 AM

I love it here at college

That's me and my twin brother Evan

Evan and I are part of a fraternity and not just any fraternity - Iota Gamma Chi

By far the wildest fraternity on campus

We're celebrating the last day in true academic form

Starting off with a traditional 6 AM pajama party

Then a pig roast in the afternoon

If we aren't passed out yet we'll go take a couple final exams

Tonight we'll activate the pledges and throw one last kick ass party

Sounds great huh

My brother and I are so fucking depressed

We've been dreading this day for 4 years

We don't want to graduate

This is officially the worst day of our entire lives

Where the fuck is Jake and Evan

I think they're sleeping

Sleeping? It's 6 AM, time to party

Yeah! Let's go get 'em

Wake up bitches

Get drunk, let's get drunk

Wake up bitches

Whoo, yeah, party

Hey, you guys this is the final day of the college year

Also known as the last day of college partying

Make the most of it; honestly this time next year you're going to wish you were back in college

Party, yeah The girls are here

No kidding, where the hell have you been

I just woke up

Scooter, you might make it to first base today

That's very funny Keggar, you know, just kick me while I'm down.

Today is your day Scooter

I need to get laid; I have never gotten laid

I know

Come get some; let's get drunk

Hey honestly, this is your last day of college partying for the rest of your lives.

Make the most of it

Hello, hey dad.

What

No, some of the guys downstairs are just playing some music

Drinking

No, it's only 6 AM dad

Yeah, you know I just don't know if Evan and I want to go into the banking business

Yes Sir

No, sir

O.K., we'll see you and Mom early tomorrow then

Alright, sir

Jake, Evan, want some beerios

I'll take some beerios Alright

No, no, no beerios; come dance with us

Hey Brandon, you got some beers for us man

Nope, but I got some shots for ya' you fucking pussies

Yeah, O.K., they're coming to dance with us anyway

I'm not dancing

No, no we don't wanna dance

No dancing

Hey girls, you want to

Oh my God, O.K., O.K., O.K.

Ready, 1, 2, 3

Maybe we could dance a little bit

Dancing is my favorite pastime

I love dancing

Hey, this is awkward, but I'm just going to say it

My friend told me that you think I'm cute and I think you are, like, the hottest guy on campus

I've had a crush on you, like, all year

Really, Oh my God, I, I've been trying to ask you out all year, but I couldn't figure out how

You're really hot

Um, I'm not talking to you; I'm on the phone

Oh my God, this really creepy guy just tried...

Man, this is bull

This is bullshit, 6 freaking AM and I'm running around like a jerk serving drinks

You know what, I'm out of here

Hold on, hold on, this is the last day

You're not quitting now

Alright man, Alright

I don't know why I'm doing this though I mean do you

I don't know Respect, Brotherhood

My dad was a Gamma Chi, so if Iwant him to pay for my schooling I have to become one

You really believe all that shit

You really believe all that shit John

About brotherhood and all that

Yes I do

These guys are great guys

We just need to get through pledging, you'll see

That's not why I'm here

So why the hell are you here

What, are you serious

Pussy man, pussy

Shoot, this frat gets laid more than any other frat on campus

And you know what I'm talking about

Yeah that's right

Hey, Hey, check out my boy Adam over there

And you know what I'm talking about

Ah, here you go Jeff

Thank you sir

Yeah You good

Do you want to go up to my room

I don't know, what for

So I can show you my baseball bat

Ah, is it a Louisville Slugger

Nope, it's a Hong Kong Slugger

It's a much bigger city

Well, do you have any condoms

Oh yeah

Alright, let's go

Um, hi

I live here

So,

Ah, you want to see my room

What for

Well, I, I, I, want to show you my bowling ball

Oh, how many balls do you have

Just the one

What's up Stephanie

Oh, just talking to the Uni-baller here

Let's go Anytime you're ready old man

Keggar my friend

You do not deserve to be called Keggar

Compared to me you're just little old Jason who can't drink with the big boys

This isn't 1999 anymore

I'm the fastest in the frat now

Fossil, I need your help

Ah, I'm a little busy right now When then

Ah, O.K., real quick what can I help you with

Can we please do this

Pa Pa Patience boy

Continue I don't want to say

Well then you don't get any help

Today

Look, I can't get laid

Just forget it

No, no, you know who has 2 thumbs that can help you get laid

This guy

So, hey, swing by my room a little bit later and I'll help you out

Alright when

Whenever, later

Sure, ah I'm picking up a 90 pound pig at 10:00

Why don't you come by at 11?

11, alright thanks

No problem

Can we please do this old dude

Son, I'm going to teach you a lesson in respecting your elders

Elders, more like social security recipient

Now if you don't mind my lady, you can count us down

Ready, set, drink

Go, Go, Go

Done

No, we can't your roommate will hear

So what, I'm going to tell him anyway

It wasn't enough time

What

4 years

4 years of college and that's all you get

You think it's going to last forever, but it's not

Between today and the day we die we never get to go to college again

I walked around campus all last night

Yeah

Everything seemed different

I know

The building the quad, none if it seemed right

It's like they tell you, you know, find a major that interests you for a career

Nothing interests me, I don't want a fucking career

You know what I want my career to be

Playing soccer for the school team

Making out with chicks

You know, drinking beer

Walking around with my shirt off all day like an idiot

That's what I want my career to be

You know what it is

Suddenly we don't belong here anymore

For 4 years they tell us this is your home

And then one day you wake up and you don't belong here anymore

You know what I feel like

Yeah

I feel like Lucifer

I feel like Michael is chucking me out of paradise

This is the worst day of my life

That was dad on the phone

They're letting us stay at home for the summer while we learn the banking business

Oh yeah, that sounds horrible

Their picking us up at 6 A.M.

6 A.M.

You know dad, he likes to get an early start

I can't do it bro'

I can't and I won't

I'm not leaving

What are you talking about

I'm not leaving and neither are you

Dad ain't paying for another year of college

You got 20 grand because I don't

The school charges rent, you know

I'm not getting a job Evan

We won't get real jobs

We'll coach soccer at the local soccer camp this summer

Evan, you're my brother and I love you

I'm not leaving you behind

You're really staying

I'm not going anywhere

This is my home

How are we going to pull it off

I have no idea, but I know I can't do it without you bro'

We in this together, 50-50

O.K. man, I mean, I'm with you one hundred percent

I don't know how we're staying, but we're staying

Maybe we'll leave college one day, but not today

Not today

Evan and I had less than 24 hours to secure ourselves a 5th year

We knew we needed some help

And if there was one guy in our fraternity that could help us

It was Greg Karanoski

The guy had been in college for close to a decade

He was a legend

We called him Fossil

So, we figured if anyone could help us it would be you

You figured right fellas

I'm an 8 year senior

Triple major, quadruple minor

Currently majoring in the breeding habits of advanced primates

Basically, I have a quarter million dollars of education crammed into this skull

Alright Fossil, we don't need your credentials

Just tell us how we do it, how do we stay

How to stay

Gentleman, the following are sacred rules

Fossil's commandments if you will

Rule number 1; No summer classes ever

The campus is dead and nobody is around

And you're even getting closer to graduation

Stupid

Secondly, I want the two of you to enroll in Trigonometry

Trig is arguably the hardest course that this college has to offer

Wait, wait, wait why do we want to sign up for a hard class

Because, even your parents are scared to death of Trigonometry

Therefore, they will be supportive and understanding when you fail

Obviously, rule number 2

Take Trigonometry as many times as possible

I have personally failed Trigonometry 5 times

Now that's 15 credit hours

I personally owe an entire extra semester to Trigonometry

Wow

Rule number 3

Beer is your friend

The more you drink the more you'll get out of the college experience

However, somewhere around your 3rd senior year

You should check yourself into rehab for alcoholism

But don't worry Your parents won't be angry

I mean you're just a poor, young, impressionable soul with a problem

They'll actually think you're growing up because you're seeking help

Besides, at rehab the food is phenomenal

And the babes, they're fucking sluts

Tell Pam I said hi

Alright dude, this is all great stuff

But we don't have any time

We're being picked up in 20, 19 hours

Do you have any tests left

Yeah, we have our history 404 final at noon

Fail it

What

Fossil rule number 4

Fail your last test

Your parents have already paid for 99% of your college education

Do you really think they are going to call it quits because you've come 3 credits shy

Fuck no

Fail your last test and you'll be right back here next year taking that same class again in the fall

Dude that might work

Of course it will work

Ah dude thanks Fossil

Fossil you're awesome

Hey, no problem

Now, are we alright here guys

Absolutely, thanks dude

Alright, I don't want to be rude but I'm going to ask you guys to run along

Scooter's got an 11 o'clock booked

Ah, Scooter you out there

Get back here you pussies, get

Can't leave until the keg is finished

Get back here

You, pledge

Why don't you drink you skirt wearing pussy

Shove it up your ass bitch

Give me those chips

Give me those chips

Ah, Fuck

I'll shove 'em down your throat

Fuck, Fuck

Give me those chips

Hey, Kegger is getting laid

Yeah, give it to her Kegger

Whoa, is that chick French

Holy shit

They're fags

We're spinning our wheels here Scooter

It's either you're going to take my advice or you're not

I can't help you if you're too scared

I can't

Sure you can you just have to be smooth on the phone

I can't

Women can smell fear

That's why it's important that you act like you don't care

if she's fucking the entire football team

Because you my friend are having sex with the cheerleading squad

The pom squad, their younger sisters, their grandmas at home

Everyone in the entire arena for you fuck her, fuck her

I can't do it Fossil

Scooter, of course you can

I'm going to show you this once, but only this one time, O.K.

Yeah

Now, I'm going to show you, but you have to pay attention

Now, what's this girl's name

Kerry

And what's her number

616-555-3836

Wait, you're not going to call her are you

You want to get laid don't you

No, I mean yeah, I, I, I mean

Alright, now you want to go out on a date with this girl

Let me set it up

It's ringing

Answering machine

No, hang up hang up

No, no, no, I got this

Hey Kerry, this is Greg over at the Gamma Chi house

Um, I'm just hanging out with my buddy Scooter

And he was just telling me what a beautiful smile he thinks you have

And on top of that he went down to the gallery and saw some of your work

Now he can't stop talking about how talented he thinks you are

Well, anyway we are over here just watching my younger brother and his puppy

Well, anyway if you're interested in swinging by with some of your friends

Why don't you give me a call

555-9452, talk to you then bye

You're going to get laid tonight Scooter, panties are going to drop, drop

Dude, we don't have a puppy

Who cares, women being lied to

Hey, as long as I get laid

Laid, oh you will get laid

I think I know this chick

She's put on the old freshmen 15 but let me tell ya

Total freak

O.K. time is up

Put your pencils down and past your test to the left and forward

Results of the test will be posted outside my office

I'm going to go to lunch now

When I get back I'm going to put all these through the scantron

So, the results should be up in about 2 hours

For all you juniors out there have a great summer

Seniors, finally your wait is over and you can join the workforce

Good luck to you all

How did you do on the test

I think I might have got a D minus

Ah, I wouldn't worry about it

You probably came through with a well deserved F

Yeah, you're right I failed

That's what I'm talking about

Coming back next year bro'

5th year, baby

5th year

Let's go get some fucking chicks

Hey, was that you mud wrestling

Yeah

I saw that shit it was bad ass

Hey, what did you get on the test

Winston

What's up fellas

What's up

I'm pretty sure I aced the test and because my good old boy Brandon copied off of mine

I'm pretty sure he aced it to

You aced the test, yeah right

Bro, just because I can drink twice as much beer as you

And bang twice as many chicks as you

Does not mean that I'm not a 4.0 History major

Hey, my man Winston here could ace that test in his sleep

I think I did

What's that

Ah, Um, Look you guys want to know what the correct answers were on the test

Yeah, tell me what was the answer to number 7

Um, 7 is uh Costa Rica

I got Costa Rica

Me too

Hey, what did you get for the last one, 1847

Yup, Yup

What about the first one, what was your answer on the first one.

First one, the, uh, Belize 1472

Oh shit

Look who cares about the test boys

C'mon let's party

Here's the thing, we tried to throw the test

But the answers we thought were wrong were right

We should have studied more

Wait, why would we study for a test we were trying to fail

Because you have to know what the right answers are in order to pick the wrong ones

Why did you 2 numbnuts even show up for the exam anyway

Well, so what do we do now Fossil

Fossil rule number 5

Cheat, when all else fails just cheat

Dude it's too late to cheat

And when even cheating fails to work

Rule number 6

Steal the test

Now, logically you would want to do this before the test

But somehow the two of you have been defying logic

What I need you to do is break into your professor's office

Steal the test and change all of your right answer to the wrong ones

What if we get caught

What if you get caught, who the fuck cares

What's the worst that can happen to you

They kick you out of school They're kicking you out tomorrow anyway

Um, what the fuck you guys looking at me for

I don't have the test

Get out of here you are interrupting my espresso time

Pick the lock What?

Pick the lock

What the hell do I know about picking locks

I thought you knew karate

I got a yellow belt at the YMCA like 12 years ago

And I don't know what that has to do with anything

Use your keys then

Use my keys to do what

To pick the lock

I'm pretty sure I don't have the key to his office

And I don't think the wrong key is going to work

That's the entire idea behind keys

Use your credit card

Dad cut up our credit cards

Friday 11:22 a.m.

Hey Kerry this is Greg over at the Gamma Chi house

Um, I'm just hanging out with my buddy Scooter

And he was just telling me what a beautiful smile he thinks you have

And on top of that he went down to the gallery and saw some of your work

Now he can't stop talking about how talented he thinks you are

Well, anyway we are over here just watching my younger brother and his puppy

Well, anyway if you're interested in swinging by with some of your friends

Why don't you give me a call

555-9452, talk to you then bye

You're going to get laid tonight Scooter, panties are going to drop, drop

Dude, we don't have a puppy

Who cares, women love being lied to

Hey, as long as I get laid

Laid, oh you will get laid

I think I know this chick

She's put on the old freshmen 15 but let me tell ya

Total freak

Scooter

Hey Kerry, hey did you get my message

Yeah you know I sure did

I'm really glad you could make it We have some beer over here

Goal

Adam, those are holier than thous

Dude, some of them are hot

Um, is that alcohol that everyone is drinking

Yeah, do you want one or not

I thought you said this was a barbeque

It is a barbeque, do you want one

We don't drink

Why not

We're Christians

Unpucker your assholes

Uh, why that is the rudest

You know Jesus turned water into wine not mango juice

I'll have a beer

Jane What, he's right

You know, Christian girls are best on their knees

You know we should get that put on a T-shirt

Shut up Jane

I'm thinking about going to the new gym in town

They have a lot more free weights there

They would let me in for free also

It's good for them to have a big guy like me there

I'm putting up like 310, 325

Ah, I need another beer It was nice talking to you though

Wait a minute, hold on

Pledges

Can't you see this women needs a beer

I'm fine really

Get her a beer now

You two give me 20 push ups

Why

Because I said so that's why

Make it 50

Jerk

Great, make it 100

Just go until I say stop

I'm not getting laid now because of you two little cock blocks

Wait until you meet The General

The General is coming tonight

You, poor that beer down your dress

Kerry was just over at the barbeque

She came right up to me and kicked me in the balls

Your plan sucked

Dude, calm down

This is great news

How is that possibly great news

Scooter, it is the primal instinct for the female to kick the male in the genitalia

When ready to mate

This is basically a sign that the female has chosen her male to reproduce with

Fossil that is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard

Remember I am an A student in my major

Breeding habits of advanced primates

I'm like the Dahli fucking Lama of this shit

You're an A student

Well, I'm a student

Yeah, right let's move on

Look, you screwed things up

It's all right I screwed up

What did I do, I did what you told me to do

Scooter, have you ever seen a women naked

Yeah, yeah of course I have

Who, when, where

You know, on the uh

T.V., magazines, the internet

You know, lots of times dude

Oh boy, looks like you're going to need a little more help than I thought

I'm going to have to really reach into the bag of tricks for this one

Do you have anyone else in mind

I don't know

I want to get laid

But I really like Kerry

You've already screwed things up with Kerry

Do you have anything else in mind

Well I don't know if I want anyone else Fossil

I mean I really like her

Oh, that's cute

Now, man up, grab your sack

And let's figure out how to get your dipstick into some oil

Alright, we'll need some tight shirts

Expensive shoes, tight pair of jeans

Maybe a little man perfume

Huh, What am I going to need that stuff for

Because you're going to pretend to be gay

What, no Fossil Fuck no

Scooter, I pretended to be gay my entire 3rd senior year

I got laid more than carpet

You meet a girl, become best friends

Go shopping, maybe get a facial

And then you give them the line

I could never imagine myself with a woman

Next thing you know they're on top of you

Congratulations bro, for the second time

Who would of thought failing a test would be so much work

Hey Jeff, Jeff

What happened to your skirt man

Sir, Pledge Master Kegger instructed me to pour beer down my pants, sir

Alright, that's enough with the sir business

You can just call me Jake Alright

Man, that Kegger guy is a complete asshole

Yeah, he can be

But you didn't hear that from us

Jeff go up into my room and grab yourself a clean pair of pants

Thanks you, sir

Uh, Jake, thanks

Are we going to have to really drown a kitten tonight

Come here

Do you really think that my brother and I would be in this frat if we did

Look, it's going to be tough tonight

But you're going to get through it

And it's going to be totally worth it

Thanks a lot guys

Can I get you guys a beer

Yeah sure I'll take another brew

Yeah, me too Take your time

Thanks guys

Hey babe I'm Freddie

I like your style sexy

Um, look it's not what it looks like alright

It's alright honey

I had trouble coming out of the closet for years

I'm not in the closet

I don't even own a closet

You know I have one of those poles on my wall to hang my clothes on

Look this is just a plan O.K.

I'm not gay I'm trying to get laid

Will you please just let me go

Hey, take it easy

We just met

Let's take things a little slower

And there will be plenty of time for lovin

Oh yeah

Hey guys do you want one

One what exactly

Hey common let's go and make sure we failed

Are the hot dogs done yet

No baby and neither are you

Alright people excuse me pardon me

Hey what the fuck

Frat boys, what are you doing

Hey my name is on that

My grade's on there

We need to see our grade

You said Winston was a History major

He is a History major

Hey, then why didn't he know any of the right answers to the test

You're a History major why didn't you know any of the wrong ones

Ah shut up Evan

Dude you wanted to take History in the first place

Yeah, to take it not to pass it

Fuck you know we had all the answers wrong and we failed

But we had to go back and change all the answers because of you

You wanted to change them to Jake

Yeah, but I wouldn't have wanted to if you hadn't have talked to Winston in the first place

Dude we both talked to Winston

Winston came up to both of us and said hi

No, you went up to Winston and said hey what did you get on the test

Yeah

Fuck Sorry

You know were like 13, 14 hours away from becoming financial bankers

Let's go see Fossil

So let me see if I'm getting this here

You originally had all the answers wrong

But for some reason thought you had all the answers right

So you broke into your professor's office Stole the test

Changed all your answers to what you thought were the wrong answers

But actually changed them to the right answers and then passed the test

Am I getting this

Yeah that about covers it

How in the fuck is that possible

I have no idea

What did you get

A-

Straight A

So what do we do now

Alright, I didn't want to have to go in this direction

But you guys have to get some scholarships

Dude I barely pulled a C average

I got a 2.3 and for the last 4 years have done absolutely no community service

I've never helped out in any group or organization in any fucking way

Do I look like an A student to you

I don't even know where the fuck I slept last night

But I do know I have tons of scholarships rolling in each and every semester

How's that

Rule number 7

Hit on high school chicks

Get one to ask you to prom

Dude were 22 years old

We're not going to prom

Ever heard the expression off like a prom dress

I believe it speaks for itself

Well, anyway if you go to prom in a tuxedo

And your date wears a dress made of duct tape

You can basically win up to $2,500 in scholarship money for college

I'm the 3 year reigning scholarship winner

I don't believe this guy

No way

This is a load of crap

No seriously it's a real scholarship

Now I've already been invited to prom this year

But just so you guys know I did invite a couple of high school chicks today

Actually even a few hot ones at the barbeque right now

No shit

No shit I'm the shit

Rule number 8

You don't have to be sober to cook

I am an excellent cook

You can't cook

Ever heard of Fossil's famous cherry pie

No, he does make a mean cherry pie I'll give him that

The guy makes a hell of a cherry pie

You're damn right I do

You're looking at the 2005 2006 Mr. Cherry Pie Scholarship Award Winner

That's a cool grand each year for college

You can't cook

That's not even a real scholarship

You bet your ass it is

Basically I just bake a little weed into the pie

Judges will vote for anything if their high

Fossil rule number 9

It's not a lie if you believe it

Basically just tell a lie so many times that even you forget if it's the truth or not

For example I'm getting scholarships for Cancer, Leukemia, Tuberculosis

I think I'm getting one for being a single parent

But it's up to you guys to figure out what your story is going to be

What the lie is going to be

So, if you guys don't mind

Go get some scholarships

It's time for me to take my meds

Did I mention I have glaucoma

So, what high school do you go to

Oh, I go to East and my best friend Joy she goes to East

But now she goes to CC

And she promised to be best friends forever

But I'm not sure anymore

Because she's friends with this girl named Paula

And Paula's a total bitch

And I really wanted to go to the mall one day and she wouldn't let me go

So, so your high school

Does it have a prom Oh yeah

Wait, whoa

Are you asking me to go to prom

Yeah

Oh my God, Oh my God

Joyce is going to be so jealous I'm going to prom with a college guy

I have to tell her right now

Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God

So, I was thinking about what we could wear

There's this scholarship Yeah, I got this pink dress with a white trim on it

And it's going to cost about $300 of your money

Because it's from a really expensive store I really like

But I haven't even been there in years And I really want to go there

Actually I was thinking we could both go in duct tape

But duct tape doesn't come in pink

Besides I have this black tux for you with a pink cumber bun

And we're going to totally match

And your twin should really go with my best friend

So we can go to this really expensive restaurant

Because I totally don't want to eat and not look fat in my dress

And I want to get their late so I look like the shit when I get to the ball

Do you have any idea what just happened to me

Did you get laid

No, my God no I didn't get laid

Did you at least get close

Yeah we got to first base

Rounded 2nd and thank God we didn't get to 3rd

Hey, second base That's not bad

No, it was, it was with a man you idiot

Yeah that is a possible unfortunate side effect to that plan

Did that ever happen to you

Nope, never

Yeah, yeah I'll see you

Oh, and don't call Kerry alright

I don't want any more of your help

You got it Alright, sure

You know I was kicked in the balls

The girl that I like hates me

And I was taken advantage of by a man

That's where your idiot help has gotten me

I'll stay out of it

Fine

Have a nice day

Hey Kerry this is Greg from the Gamma Chi house again

26... 27... 28

You pansies you think we're being hard on you

The alumni are coming tonight

The General's coming

He's not taking any prisoners

You guys just wait

We've been easy on you

Wait and see what it's like to be in hell with Satan running things

That my friends is what it's like to have The General pledge you

Not bad boys, not bad

You, good effort with you man

Thank you sir

You two should learn from this guy

You want a beer man

Yes, thank you

Oh, does that taste good

Does it taste good

Yes sir, thank you sir

You're my little bitch you know that

Don't just stand there Get a mop

Have some pride in your fraternity house

We got to go see Fossil

Fossil, do you notice that none of Fossil's plans ever work

Or even come close to working

I don't know what to do Jake

Yeah, well neither do I I'm desperate

This is Jake This is Evan

This is there last day of college here

Dan what the hell are you doing

Oh sorry

This is Ushmad and Ashot

They are foreign exchange students from India

It is O.K. if we are to say hello to you

Oh, we are working on fraternity story

Ushmad and Ashot are journalism majors

And they are working on a fraternity story about life here next year

And I figured I would give them a head start and show them around a bit Is that alright

Today is your last day of college yes

Looks that way

Oh, you are very very fortunate

My brother and I must spend 3 more years prior to receiving diplomas

You can have mine

I am sorry

So you guys stay here during the summers too

Yes, it is very much a homesick time

We will not return to home for 3 whole years

And your parents They don't ever visit

No, it is too far away

And they are very busy

So, these checks

You get tuition and living expenses

Oh, oh yes he sends full tuition

Plus $300 each a month for spending money

Tuition Spending money

So, ah, do these checks

Do they cover room and board also

Oh very much so

Included in full tuition

Well, we must return to dormitory now

It was pleasure meeting you

Thanks guys we'll see ya tonight at pledging

Bro' here's the plan

I enjoyed my meetings with both of them

They were nice Very good

But Americans we have such misconception

Our country it is not the same No. It is not

Ah, what are you doing

Good God

Get off of me Get off of me

Get this kid

Let go

Get over here Jake What are you doing? Jake

Lets go No no please

Get off of me Get off of us

Fuck yeah bro'

Hopefully this will work Were coming back

I'm really sorry about everything

Um, I'm normally not that kind of guy

Well, you seem alright now that we've got to talk for a while

And I'm so sorry I beat you up

That Fossil

Talk about an A one asshole

Fossil

No, Fossil's a little strange

But overall a good guy

He was there when I needed help and

You're going to want to hear this

Hey Kerry this is Greg over at the Gamma Chi house again

Just calling to invite you to our pursuit of worldly knowledge with handcuffs party tonight

Anyway, I don't blame you for kicking Scooter in the nuts this afternoon

The guy is a little woos

I wouldn't like him if I were a girl either

Forget about that looser

Come over tonight

Handcuff yourself to me and we'll have a great time alright

See you tonight

That son of a bitch

Do you want to get back at him

I think I have an idea

Alright we need to find their student I.D.'s

Bring them back to Fossil and he can put our pictures right on them

I wonder if they have Indian porn

Get out of here Ushmad

Indian porn, Indian porn

What the hell is this

Dude I found the checks

What the hell is this

Dear Ushmad and Ashot

Fuck

What

Their grandma died So?

So, they have to go home for a year

We can't use them to go to college

Why did she have to die

No, no

Every single rule Fossil had entrusted in us

Turned out to be a complete God damn disaster

Somehow we always ended up worse than when we started

It's all over

It's 5 o'clock and our parents are coming in 13 hours

And we have absolutely no options left

Today was really going to be our last day of college

Well, might as well smoke a bowl and get laid

So Kegger, Brandon told me that you fucked a pledge today dude

No, you fucked the pledge

Oh yeah me, no

He had his legs all straddled up around you

Don't listen to this shit Don't listen to that shit

C'mon little bro'

Ah yeah pass it to the left

Yeah let's go pass it to the left

No to the right

You know what you're like a 400 pound light weight

So, I'll see you your fucking socks And I'll raise you my boxers for your panties

Panties, let's see some panties

Yeah

Oh yeah, let's see what you got

O.K. I got 3 kings

Hell yeah

Go get some

Not so fast boys

Flush

Oh, yeah

Yeah, yeah take it off

Fuck

Alright alright

Ah dude

Hey dude easy

Hey hey, yo

Jesus Christ

Oh yeah, bing, bing, bing...

Is that your super sock that you're wearing

Oh fuck Evan Mom and Dad are here

Get up, get up you fucking idiot Mom and Dad are here

C'mon God Damn it Fuck, fuck

Where the fuck are my pants Ah fuck. Where the fuck are my pants

You just grabbed my fucking cock

Where the fuck are my Oh shit

They are so gay

Girls what are we going to do now

You're the only one not naked

C'mon lets go Ah yeah

Mom, Dad

You look messy

How are my soon to be graduate boys

Well mom

Great to see you son

Great to see you sir

Son, are you O.K.

Ah, he's fine sir

Mom, how are you

Good Jake

It's so good to see you

Let's go inside so I can start packing your clothes

Well, I thought that you and Dad would be here at 6 A.M.

Like we talked about on the phone Right Dad

I thought I'd allow your mother a head start on packing your clothes, moving stuff out of the room

Wow, what a great surprise

We can't

Well why not

Because

Because we have a meeting across campus in 20 minutes

With a History Professor

Really, which professor

Ah, History Professor Hughes

Professor Hughes

H-U-G-H-E-S

Yeah, that's right Do you know him

Sounds familiar

But I've never met a History Professor Hughes before

You weren't going to see the professor looking like that were you

No, no I thought we had left our nice clothes out here on the porch

Well, looks like we didn't

We're just going to go inside and throw something on

I got a great idea

Why don't you and Mom come over the History House in 20 minutes

You can sit in on the meeting with us

Dude, we don't have no meeting

Ah, ouch, stop

We're just going to throw on some clothes

We'll be back in 20 minutes sir

Son, we'll just come inside with you and wait until you change

And then all of us will go over there together

Well, Dad I thought that Mom might want to see the Flower Grove

They are in full blossom this time of year

They are absolutely beautiful

Our college ranked number 1 best flowers in the country

It's going to be dark in 20 minutes

Wouldn't you like to see them Mom

Ah Jake

It's so nice of you to think of me

C'mon, let's go

Alright then we'll see in the front entrance of the History House in 20 minutes. Sharp

Yes sir

Fossil, I'm in way too deep

I told my parents that we have a meeting with Professor Hughes over at the History Office

It's all a lie How could they have showed up early

Life as a college student is finished, done, over

Is Evan stoned

You know I always knew I'd have to deal with this moment

But I feel like I'm at a funeral only it's my funeral

It's O.K. Jake It's alright

What are you consoling me for your life is over to you moron

Ah, it seems that your parents have shown up a little earlier than expected

What, my parents are here

Yeah, snap out of it

I had to cover for you because Mom and Dad wanted to come into the house

It smells like a God damn reggae party

You screwed up dude

I screwed up What did you do? What did I do?

The only thing I did is save your ass

Save my ass

Yeah, save your ass

No man, sounds like you made things unnecessarily worse

You know what, you don't even know what lie I even told Mom and Dad

And you were standing right there you fucking moron - Enough!

The two of you are going home from college and never coming back again ever

Now Jake, what did you tell your parents

I told them we had a meeting with Professor Hughes at the History Office

Did you tell your parents what the meeting was about. - No

Alright, what were your plans once you got to the History House

I don't have any plans

I figured I'd just go over there and tell them that the meeting got cancelled or something

Alright, well do either of your parents know Professor Hughes

Or know what he looks like

No, there is no Professor Hughes I made the name up

Put the God damn fish bowl down

And are there any pictures of Professor Humes anywhere on the first floor of the History House

No, are you listening There is no Professor Hughes

There is now

Rule number 10

When all else fails impersonate a professor

Forcibly if needed

Gentlemen, I am Professor Humes

No, it's Hughes H-U Hughes

Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever

Alright Jake, Evan, I need you two to head over to the History Office

Hold them off for just a little bit

I'm going to throw on a suit

I'll get over there as quick as I can

I'm going to help you out of this

Get the fuck off me

Get the fuck off me Let's go

Gotcha What?

Kerry what are you doing

You're getting what you asked for

You wanted to hang out with me tonight

And now you got me

Yeah tonight, later, um

Can you please unlock me

I don't have the key

It's in my dorm room

Where we should end up tonight

Ah, fuck, alright

Just, just come with me

Where are we going

You must be Mr. Tanner

It's a pleasure to meet you sir Hi

I am obviously Professor Hughes

What the hell is going on here Oh, how rude of me

Mr. and Mrs. Tanner this is Kerry

Kerry, this is Mr. and Mrs. Tanner

Nice to meet you dear

I love the shirt

You're probably wondering why Kerry and I are handcuffed together

Well, um, we are handcuffed this

This is for charity

Charity

He's lying I'm a whore

Um, theatre students

Great imagination

Well, what Kerry is trying to get at is

The school has decided to handcuff a professor with a student to raise money for cancer

That's nice

Who in the world thought of the idea to handcuff a female student with a male teacher

Well, we believe in outside the box thinking here

Well as you both already know

Both Jake and Evan are special students

They're actually 2 of the tops in my class

Must be a pathetic class

Pathetically challenging historical wise

Well, today I would like to offer both Jake and Evan my coveted teaching assistant positions

Absolutely

Yeah, absolutely, yeah

Don't worry about it guys you earned it

I'm actually pretty excited that you decided to accept the postions

Does anybody else need a drink

Now is not the time to drink

Just take a drink Greg

I don't want a drink

If you don't take a drink I'll scream and scream and scream

Fine, I will take a drink

Here

I don't want any

I'm not so sure that this is the best thing for Jake and Evan to do

They were planning at working at a bank

Trust me Mom, Dad

There is nothing more Jake and I want more than to be here next year

Well, I suppose

As long as it's what you want to do

I guess it sounds like a good opportunity

What are you going to do for money

Where are you going to stay

When do you start

Mr. Tanner, your sons will be begin preparing my next year's curriculum as soon as this Monday

They'll be here all summer

All through next year

And as far as some of your other concerns

They

As far as some of your other concerns they can live on campus housing for free

Otherwise they can, Huh

They, there is going to be a small fee of $1,500 per student

Just basically to lock in the positions for next year

That will need to be taken care of today

Alright then

Who do I make the check out to

That's Greg Karanowski

K-A-R-A-N

I thought your last name was Hughes

Hughes is just a nickname

Ah, I'm so proud of you boys

Thank you Mom Thanks a lot sir

Well, looks like you both have busy schedules ahead of you

I guess Mom and I will head back to the hotel and head back tomorrow

Thanks a lot Professor Hughes

And if you don't mind

Actually Kerry and I also need to leave

We're going to have sex

Oh, but it's for charity

I'll tell you

These professors could never survive in the real world

Yes dude I can't believe that shit worked

Fossil you did it man

No problem boys

Do you guys mind

Oh, yeah, yeah we're leaving

Hey can we just grab that $3000 first

I'm sorry, what

That $3,000 that you got from our Dad to pay for our room and board next year

For you

That's my 3 G's boys

Cha Ching I'm coming back for year 9 bitches

Wait a second

You're stealing money from our Dad

You know now is really not a good time to talk about this

You know I'm about ready to bring out the ole Fossil bone if ya know what I'm saying

I know what you're saying

Take another drink first

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out boys

It's 10 P.M.

Time for hell night

Tonight we welcome back all of our past pledge masters

They'll help us activate our pledges

And bring them into the brotherhood of Iota Gamma Chi

I think the old farts really enjoy taking a break from their lives

To spend one more weekend in the fraternity

I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi

I, I, I, Iota Stop

That's horrible

Pathetic

Let me show you guys why you're pledging

1965 the year my father pledged this fraternity

Pledges, how many pledges are there

7, sir

Pledges, how many actives are there

45, sir

Alumni, how many pledges are there

Do you hear that

I can actually here them

You punk little girls need to pick it up

You got that

Now boys you have the pleasure of meeting one of the founding fathers of this fraternity

Sir, do you have anything to say sir

I fucked every one of the Golden Girls

Are you guys ready for hell night

Sir, yes, sir What?

Sir, yes, sir

That's more like it

You guys are going to pay

The General is here

That's The General

Smart guy hey

Start with him Now we're going to pledge

Let's go. Let's do this

Say it, say it Say it mother fucker

Alpha Beta Gamma Fuck you

You worthless scum have embarrassed me

The alumni are here

And they are asking me why have I turned you into such worthless pieces of shit

Why have I not turned you into Gammas

It's all my fault

No

Who will step up

Who will fill these shoes and turn you into Gammas and turn you into real men

Who will

I've been to easy on you

I've been to nice

You dirty little dirt bags

I'll pledge your but cracks until they bleed

Do you understand me

Sir yes sir

Do you understand me

Sir yes sir

Pledges, how many pledges are there

Pledges, how many actives are there

Alumni, how many pledges are there

Alumni, how many actives are there

Hey Scooter get us some drinks

Scooter you have no date this evening

Therefore you are the drink wench

No problem

Dad, dad I'm done

It's over, I'm a Gamma Chi now

So what's up ladies

Who would like to try a brand new Gamma Chi

Alright Fossil some hundred proof vodka and a laxative ought to loosen you up

Drink wench, hurry up

Hey, here's a double shot Fossil

And here's one for you Kerry

Fossil, you old son of a bitch drink with me

Have a seat

I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi

Hey, mines just water right

Yup

Kegger, come here man

You were the biggest dick

No, you made it You were my favorite pledge

I'm going to be Pledge Master one day

I want to be just like you Yeah, make me proud

You're my fucking hero

Make me proud

Hey everybody the drink wench is back

Head to head

Shot for shot

I'm taking you on all night grandpa

Kegger this is not a hot dog eating contest

This is alcohol

You went down this morning

You're going down again tonight

I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi

I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi

You want to dance

What

I want to get in your pants

Oh, yeah, O.K.

I love this boys

We're in this really deep bro'

I know

Do you miss this much

What's that

This place, college, the fraternity

No, I mean don't get me wrong I had a great time when I was here

But, I'm pretty happy with my life

What about the girls

Ah yeah sure, I mean, sleeping with a different co-ed every weekend

It has got its appeal

But I have a beautiful wife

Couple of great kids

So, overall, no I don't miss it

You guys are graduating tomorrow right

Yeah, well, no

I mean we were supposed but

I think we figured out a way to stay

Stay and do what

Stay, live in the frat and party

I'm putting you into retirement grandpa

If you want to quit just ask for mercy

Oh, no c'mon Greg you can do it, drink

You know Greg, Fossil, or whatever you call him

You think he's the king of campus

I bet if you'd ask most of the students here they would think that he is a joke

He's a joke to the alumni

You know I pledged with him

He's cool to your face

But you turnaround and he'll stab you in the back

Your right

He screwed over Scooter today

He took $3,000 from our Dad

I really feel sorry for the guy

He's stuck

He has no idea which direction to take his life

And every year that goes by he just becomes more and more pathetic

And he knows it

Oh my God

Wait Kegger, you were just drinking water like me right

No, hundred proof vodka all night

I had to beat him fair and square

You guys want to know what the secret to life is

What's that

Make a career out of something you love

Something you have passion for man

So what do you do

Me, I love sports

I majored in sports management when I was here

And then it was off to major league soccer

6 months ago I bought an interest in the Chicago Fire soccer team

You serious The Fire's our favorite team

Evan and I play soccer

We've been team captains for the past 3 years, all conference

I'll tell you what

If you guys are interested

Why don't you guys come by the stadium

Work out with the team

Give me a call tomorrow and I'll put you in touch with some coaches

Dude, we'll definitely call you

Hey man, I'm still a Gamma

And I'll do anything to help out a brother

Well I got to get back to the wife

You guys take it easy

Thanks for letting me stop by

Anytime

Oh God

Here, I got the key

You all right Thank you

We did it

Let's get out of here

Here's your hot dog eating contest bitch

Ladies, you want to get us some beers

Yeah buddy, those chicks are hot

What's up Winston, Brandon

What's up brothers How are you doing

Hey dude it turns out that you're not that smart at history

Actually man I'm plenty smart

I failed that test on purpose and so did Brandon here man

What the hell are you talking about

We don't want to graduate

Everyone knows that if you fail your last final

That your parents will pay to send you back for another semester

Bro' my parents paid for 4 full years of tuition

Do you really think that they are going to let me come

3 credits shy of graduation and call it quits

Not a chance man

Dude I can't believe these 2 fuckers didn't know that

Bro' we're coming back for another year

5th year baby

5th year

See you boys later

Shmucks

Ah, he shit himself

What a loser

Hello, who the hell is this in the middle of the black night

Yes sir it's me, and Evan's here to

Harold, Harold who is it

Nobody, go back to sleep

Jake, I've been thinking

I'm going to look into that crackpot professor's credentials first thing in the morning

Actually Dad, don't even worry about it

Evan and I don't want to become teacher's assistants anyway

Good, now let me get off the damn telephone and let me go back to bed

Harold, language

Sir, we have a tryout with a major league soccer team next week

Soccer

Now listen that's enough games at 3:00 in the morning

I'm picking you and your idiot brother up at 6 A.M.

And that's the end of it

No sir, we're going our own way and that's the end of it

So make sure that you cancel that check

You're going your own way

Yes sir

You know this is the first time you ever stood up to me

Finally grew up a little bit huh

Well I guess the banking business isn't going anywhere

You give your mother a call tomorrow afternoon

We will

And Jake

Sir

You give me a call after those soccer tryouts

If you put your mind to it you can do it

You and Evan both

He actually took it alright

Hey what time is it

It's about 3 A.M.

You think there's any chicks downstairs

A couple drunk ones

Works for me

Me too

Idiot kids

You can have me if you want me

I'm a little nervous

It will come naturally

I'm a man

Subtitles: Arigon

Hey

Evan, what's up man

I was thinking man

We should have one more game while we're still in college

Alright

Let's go

So that's it

That's our story

I'd like to tell you that we went on

Played major league soccer in Chicago

Maybe we'll make the team

Maybe we won't

I don't know what's going to happen next

But I'll tell you this much

Whatever happens

We'll never end up like Fossil

With a dick in our mouths

Hey, good luck with those soccer tryouts

I know you'll do a good job

I hope so, I'm really excited

Ah, good God

Hey, by the way

Your grandma's dead

No