All language subtitles for Escaping Freedom (2020).eng1

- [Vincent] Life can
be so very complicated.

We can't see the forest for the trees,

and we're left to wander aimlessly.

I'm coming home.

I have a destination

for an eternity that no one has even seen.

My dear, Krystal.

And what's...

That's what dad wanted.

I miss him.

People staring at me.

I want to help them, I really do.

But I'm just as wretched
and hopeless as any of them.

Dear sister, I worry about you.

And I'm just supposed to.

I wish that you would come
here and experience it.

Make everything better.

During our last conversation
dad prayed for me.

He prayed that I'd repent.

Maybe you did move.

It's been five months.

Who's going to hire a guy
with a theology degree?

I don't know if I ever told you that.

I'm kinda surprised that I
haven't heard back from you yet.

I need to hear from my sister.

I just need you to say something.

In the of course one night,

I managed to destroy my entire life.

Look, you're my sister, I
mean, we're still family.

Since dad died.

It's scary to think that I am.

Self-actualization

is not even possible
for a pastor, because,

their entire life is
dedicated to self-denial.

Sin tastes really sweet, doesn't it?

They can put their
identity into something.

And I feel like God has forsaken me.

It's our job to guide people
through this wilderness.

How can you be so cold, huh?

Please.

And we have to do it perfectly.

We had a fight, that's all.

I am held accountable by God.

You just shut me out.

I can't have them go on some witch hunt.

It's like they're feeding on me.

God knows what they would find.

At least they get to say
that they're fucked up.

That's not right.

You don't give a shit.

It's not fair.

Even a pastor needs a confessional,

and I think that's what
these letters have become.

I can see how truly pathetic my life is.

Please talk to me.

I just wanna float away with the current.

I don't know how much longer I can last.

Go somewhere new, but I know that I can't.

Please say something.

'Cause this your real life, Vincent.

These are the choices you
made, and that's all you have.

- Oh great, here we go.

One, two, three.

Oh, it's so cute.

Perfect.

That's great.

Their very first Christmas.

- I know.

- I think it's supposed to be right there.

- See you guys.

- Bye, we'll see you next week.

Thanks again.
- It was nice to see you.

- How's your mother doing?

- [Woman] She's been doing all right.

She's getting a little better.

But, thanks for asking.
- We've been praying.

We wanna see her back here

so that she can praise you again, amen.

- Thank you, Pastor.

- Yeah, of course.

- Amen.

- Have a wonderful day.

- You too.

- Thank you.

(sighing)

(soft music)

And by the way, when did
the hot seat become a thing?

- Gosh, we don't speak
of that atrocity here.

I'm surprised we haven't been
sued by a parent, actually.

- It's not like they'd get very far.

Come in.

- How's the writing, gentlemen?

- Someone keeps stalling.

- Hey now, I'm the one still sitting here.

- Oh, after this I need to go
pick up those new tablecloths

for the dinner tonight, is that okay?

- Yeah, if we need 'em.

Also, could you make sure that
we're locked up really well?

Wally found a homeless person
sleeping in here this morning.

- It's that side door,
it refuses to latch,

but yes, of course.

- Was there something else, Edith?

- [Edith] It's about Katie,

I know it's really not my place--

- You're right.

- I really think you should call her.

I mean, she's alone, she's pretty,

she serves the church every
week, and she loves the Lord.

- Please count the money, Edith.

- Vincent.

- You are vicious, you know it?

- Thank you.

- Now that right there, that
is how you stand your ground.

Yes, sir.

- Shut up.

- She cares about you, Vincent.

You know, having a wife
isn't such a bad thing,

even I got one.

- Yeah, well, I like being alone.

- Don't fool yourself.

All right, now what?

- I got an appointment
with Josh and Laurel,

you know, pastor stuff.
What the church pays me for.

- All right, well, I hope
you know I'm taking credit

for this book we're never gonna write.

- Yeah, you do that.

- Krystal.

- Fucking bullshit.

- Krystal.

- God fucking dammit.
- What the fuck?

- Krystal, stop freaking out.

What the fuck?

- [Krystal] Are you serious?

I'm not gonna fucking stick
around and take this, I'm not!

- Hey.

- No.

- What is this, what is this?

- I'm fucking done.

I am fucking done,

Rene.
- Oh, you're done?

Oh, this is
- I'm fucking done.

- your big grand exit?
- Yeah, I'm done.

- Hello, Krystal!

- You dumb bitch.

Oh, hey, could I just...

What, am I fucking invisible?

- Don't go for that one, he
only serves the hot guys.

- Bullshit.

- No, it's true.

Hey, check it out.

Hey sexy, can I get a drink over here?

- What'll it be?

- I got it.

I'll have whatever the hell I
just had, and she'll have...

- Whatever's most expensive.

- Ouch.

- And make it efficient.

- You set yourself up
for that one, hot shot.

- I told you.

- Yeah.

- I told you.

You little fucker, though.

The most expensive one, really?

- Yeah.

- That's okay, you got
me and I'll take it.

I'm JD, what's your name?

- Ooh, none of your business.

- None of my business?

Come on.

I just bought you a drink.

At least give me your name.

- I mean could, but.

- Ha.

Shit, you good.

She's good.

- This is a blessing.

- It's why we're here.

How is he?

- He has good days,
but mostly they're bad.

- Do you think I could see him?

- I'll check, he knew you were coming.

- Thank you.

Has it been this way most of your life?

These waves?

- Most of it.

Since high school at least.

- What happened in high school?

- It doesn't matter.

- Fair enough.

Do you have any savings?

A way to pay bills until
you get back on your feet?

- It won't help.

- What, savings?

- Getting back on my feet.

- Why?

- Look,

Pastor, thank you.

But you're not a psychiatrist.

- Thank you.

Look Josh, I'm not
really a fan of how often

titles are thrown around.

It's as though they're trying
to remove the spiritual

from things and just make it so simple.

Anguish isn't simple.

And, I don't know, without
God, there would be no purpose

to the pain.

- I suppose.

- Look, we all feel it at times.

Sometimes the pain is small.

And sometimes it,

it hits us like a tsunami.

But we need to believe that it will pass.

- How?

Why hasn't it?

- You know the story of Job?

In it--

- I know the story.

- Of course.

- Baby, I think that Pastor Vincent is--

- Sorry.

Josh have you ever sat,
maybe in a quiet room

and heard the voice of God?

- No.

- Never?

- No.

- Not even a little?

- Have you?

See, I've tried.

Nothing.

- [Krystal] You're only good for a fuck.

Nobody cares about you.

You're a fucking train wreck.

(ringing in ears)

- Shit.

Edith?

Jesus, fuck.

Hey, what are you doing?

- Goddammit, Vincent.

- Are you drunk?

- What?

No, I wanted to see you.

- You fucking are, aren't you?

- I fucking wanted to see you.

- So you break into my church?

- I didn't break in,
it was open, the door.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this
is stupid, I'm gonna go.

Fucking, such a bad move.

- Bullshit, you're not going anywhere.

- Okay, well, you can't
tell me what to do.

- You know, I could call the cops on you

for breaking and entering?

- Touche.

Bitch.

- You are so stupid.

- I'm not that stupid.

- You are trouble, is what you are.

Come on.

- I am definitely trouble.

- You are definitely trouble.

Come on.

- But it is a really pretty church.

- Do you know how embarrassing this is?

If anybody else caught you in here

I could be in serious trouble.

- Oh, but you're the boss.

You're in charge.

- That's not how it works in the church.

- It's good to see you.

I love you.

- Oh my God.

- You got any snacks in here?

- Well, there's like, wafers.

Seriously, this isn't okay, Krystal.

- Dude, the last thing I need
is you judging me right now.

- How the hell did you
even find your way here?

- You should try technology,
it's pretty fucking awesome.

- I meant...

Nevermind what I meant, here,
eat, you need something.

- It's meat.

- You need it.

What are you doing here?

- Probably not how you
expected to see me again.

Shit faced and what not.

What?

- Well, actually.

- You're an asshole.

- Seriously, eat.

- Seriously, it's gross.

- Eat it.

- This is so gross.

That's disgusting.

- Okay, come on.

You need to get some rest.

- This is stupid, I should go.

I'm dumb, I'm stupid,

I wanna go.
- No, you're not

going anywhere.

Here, come on, here, take that off.

- Fucking stop. I got it.

Perv.

- Okay, do you want a clean shirt?

- I just wanna sleep.

- Here, cover up.

- I'm hot.

- Okay, okay.

Hey, there's water next to you, okay?

I'll be on the couch if you need anything.

- Vincent, I love you.

- Good night.

- My sweet, sweet Vincent.

- I mean, you're right,
it's only a amount of time.

- Right, time heals all wounds.

- It's okay, exactly.

- Hey good looking.

You have that rough of a night?

- Don't start with me now.

You know if we have any
good leftovers in here?

- I don't know.

Hey, talk to me, what's up?

- Nothing, I just didn't
sleep well, again.

- Now that's a lie.

- Where's Ethan?

- He's around here somewhere.

- Somewhere?

- I think he's giving
grandma the world tour again.

- You should actually go find 'em, babe.

- Okay, oh, I got
that, don't worry about it.

- Really?

- Yeah, of course.

Thanks for bringing breakfast, love.

- Always.

Bye Vincent.

- Bye, Becky.

- You know, my father-in-law plays poker

every other Saturday night,
remind me to invite you

to our next game.

- My sister showed up last night.

- Wait, sister?

- Foster.

- Why didn't you--

- Because it didn't matter.

She hasn't talked to me in years.

- What'd you do?

- Huh?

- What'd you do to upset her so much?

- No, nothing, she's just like that.

She's not exactly the
best influence on people.

- Interesting.

Listen,

I talked to Dennis last night.

I think he's a little bit worried.

- Well, he needs to relax.

- I get why we're doing it,

but do you think we took on too much?

- Do you have any other ideas

on how to bail us out? I'm all ears.

- You sure you're okay?

- I told you, I'm just tired.

- All right.

I love you, brother.

Take care of yourself.

Stay away from me Edith's
coffee this morning,

it makes molasses look runny.

- Hello?

Oh, fucking gross.

- You're way too stressed.

You need to stop holding up that guard.

- Sorry.

- I know you're trying,

and it's beautiful.

But you need to rip that mask off, okay?

If you want them to
feel what she's feeling,

if any of this to be
believed, you can't hide.

Okay?

- Okay.

- I know you can do this.

Okay?

There we are.

All right, you got this,

you're 90% there, 90 fucking percent.

- Sure.

- Rene, sorry, it's Mickey on the phone.

- Mickey?

- Yeah, I don't know.

- What the hell's his problem?

All right, I'm gonna
take this call, y'all.

Just give me a few minutes,
I'll be right back.

Mickey.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Oh my God.

We knew you'd be back.

- No, I'm actually not.

- What, no, no, no, no, no, no,

you cannot ditch us like this.

- I am so sorry, is Rene here?

- You just missed him.

- He's pissed.

- Do you blame him?

- Yeah, no, I know, I was kind of a dick.

But he was being a dick also,

so will you please just do me a favor

and not tell him that I'm here?

I just wanna grab my stuff and go.

- Yeah, scout's honor.
- Sure.

- Thank you.

- Oh my God, so this
is all you how, right?

How are you, how are you feeling?

- Yeah, I'm terrified.

- Yeah, that's normal.

But you're gonna be fucking
awesome, it's your time, okay?

I believe in you.

Give me a hug.

Okay, now seriously, I
got to get my shit and go

before Rene comes back in here

and starts yelling at you guys all again

and telling you that
you're 95 fucking percent.

(sighing)

Hey.

- Hey?

- Hey, you?

- So you're actually doing this?

- I am.

- I can't change your mind?

I support you.

But can I give you just a
little piece of advice though?

- Okay.

- When you leave and you
find that the world out there

is not all that it promises to be,

and you see everyone just
living pointless, empty lives

waiting around to die and you remember

that you want something
more, please come back.

- Cool, I can't do this.

- Krystal, you were made
for greatness, okay.

I see that in you.

You're smart, you're funny, you're sexy,

you're one of the most amazing actresses

I've ever come across.

Don't waste your potential.

Don't fucking waste the
treasure that you are

on people who will never truly see

below the surface of this moment.

I care about you.

I want greatness for you.

- Can you please just stop?

- Krystal, please, don't go, please.

Your beauty, your talent, your ambition,

they'll all be wasted,
you don't want that.

- Goodbye, Rene.

- Hey.

- How are you doing?

- Be honest.

How much of a dumb ass was I?

- I picked up some food.

- That sounds about right.

It's good to see you.

- It's good to see you too.

What's this?

- I found it buried in your laundry room.

The laundry room, really?

- You went through my stuff?

Creep.

- Shut up, I was just looking for a towel.

When did you get so stylish anyway?

- Oh, the house?

It's the church's home,
no responsibility here.

I haven't played this in years.

- Yeah, obviously.

At least we're on a equal playing field.

So, how's the church thing?

- Same issues, different faces.

I think we're doing okay though.

There was actually a
situation awhile back that,

well, it almost tore us apart.

I feel like we're recovering.

- Are you enjoying it?

- I'm writing a book.

- A book?

Hell yeah, look at you.

- It's too good an offer.

- So what's the book?

- Are you really interested?

- I mean, I'm trying to find out

what's been going on with my brother.

- Why, why suddenly now?

- Dude, don't be a dick.

- A dick?

You were MIA for who knows how long,

and then you show up at my church drunk,

but I'm the dick here?

- You asked me to come.

- Two years ago.

- Well, do you want me to leave?

- No, no, I don't want you to leave.

I just wanna know why
you suddenly appeared.

- I missed you.

- So you're off getting
drunk and you think,

"Hey, I miss my brother who
I haven't seen in forever

"so I'm gonna break into
his church and pass out."

- It's possible.

- You're such an idiot.

Oh my God.

So how are you doing financially?

- Oh, I'm good.

- Good, you still working?

- Yeah, I'm in between jobs.

- Oh God, you're not back--

- No!

Do you want something fun to drink?

I haven't had a fucking thing all day.

- There might still be
some beer in the fridge.

- Oh, a Pastor, drinking?

- We live in Portland.

I also drink coffee on occasion.

- Oh, coffee.

Yeah, well, I was acting, but
I quit after my last show.

The director was a total douche bag.

- What happened?

- Same shit, different faces.

And no, I didn't fuck him.

- So he fired you?

- Dude, I said I quit,
thank you for listening.

Believe it or not, I offer
more than just a wet pussy.

At least a little bit.

- Well, good for you.

What?

- I didn't.

- I'm not judging you.

- Oh my God,
you're so judging me.

Dude, you're such a bigot.

- I believe you!

Mostly.

- That's what I thought.

- It's your turn.

- Okay!

- I'm glad you're here.

Perfect timing.

I'll see you later.

- Okay.

- Morning, Pastor.

- Hi.

- How you doing?

- Well enough, how are you?

- Meh.

- Well, we wouldn't be
here if it weren't for you,

so, thank you.

- It's my joy.

- Hey, so, I was just wondering
if you might be interested

in grabbing dinner sometime?

- I've been waiting
forever for that question.

- Oh.

I know, I'm slow.

- No, no, I mean, you have
the book and everything,

it's fine.

But, yes, yes, I would like that.

- Great.

Well, actually, how about
tonight, are you free?

- Yeah, yeah that sounds great.

- Well, just find me before you leave

and we'll figure it out.

- Okay, sounds good.

- Great.

Great.

- Thank you for calling

Pearl Lakes Rehabilitation Center.

Our visiting hours are
6:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.

Monday through Friday,

and 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. on weekends.

If you know the extension of the party.

- Hello, knock?

- Sorry, they said you were alone.

- How'd you get here?

- I hitchhiked.

Oh my God, I walked the two miles, dummy.

- Okay, why are you here, then?

- I was wondering if I
could borrow your car?

I need something better than this shit

to wear to my audition.

- Hey, language, please.

- Really?

Okay, sorry.

So, do you think I could borrow your car?

- Don't you have a car?

- I do, duh, but I loaned it to somebody.

Yes, say yes, no, yes?

- Why don't you just wait a few minutes

and I'll go with you?

- Oh, you don't trust me.

- I didn't say that.

- Yeah, but you suck at lying.

(knocking on door)

- Oh, hey, sorry, are you in a meeting?

- No, no, we were about to
head out to lunch, actually.

Krystal, this is Marcus,
Marcus, my sister.

- Krystal, the infamous sister, hi.

- Infamous?

Gosh darn, Vincent, what have
you been saying about me?

- Oh, no, Vincent's a beautiful person.

Strong in his faith.

He's a good leader for our people.

Please, give us some dirt on him.

- Oh.

(chuckling)

I would probably go to hell
for sharing a few things

I know about your precious Pastor.

- Oh.

Well, are you two going down the street?

There's this place we
just go to all the time.

- I'm actually not sure yet.

- Okay, well, let me know

if you want company, I'm available.

- Yeah, we have a couple
of other stops to make,

but I can send you a text?

- Sounds great, I'll
look forward to your text.

- Did you need something?

- Oh, yeah, I just got
off the phone with Dennis.

You know what?

We can talk about it later.

The two of you just need to
go enjoy some family time.

- I just wish he would back
off, we're gonna be fine.

- Don't worry about it, okay?

Go, have fun, please.

Will you keep this guy from stressing out,

I don't even think he sleeps anymore.

- Yes, sure.

Nice to meet you.

- Good to meet you too, Krystal.

See you both soon, or, either
way, about lunch, okay.

- What?

Okay, I was innocent as a rose.

- He's married.

- He's not my type.

- Yeah, right.

- He's kinda cute, though.

- You behave.

- See this store is where
it's at, 'cause you can find

pretty much anything you're looking for.

- Yeah, but do you really
save any money here?

- It's not about the savings,

it's about the gems that you
can't find anywhere else.

Speaking of gems, straight
up gems, look at these.

- It's rock.

- This isn't, this is rose quartz.

Do you know what this does?

This is healing in your love life.

It really is.

- What are you supposed to do with it?

- You hold it, and it
gives the power to you.

- The power of healing energy.

- For your sexual whatevers.

- Krystal isn't it about time
you started looking for work

outside the theater?

- Acting is the only thing I'm good at.

It's how I am, dude.

- You spend all your time
pretending to be other people,

isn't that a little depressing?

- We are all actors,
Vincent, I just found a way

to get paid for it.

- No, we are definitely not all actors.

- Are you kidding?

You, of all people.

How about this for your hot date?

- Not gonna happen.

- Vincent, you are so boring.

- Seriously, what did you
mean about the acting?

- I mean, you know, it's
not about pretending

to be someone else.

It's about the opportunity

to create these living, breathing,

three-dimensional characters
and speak their truth.

And there's something

that's like really beautiful about that.

And every time I do it I
actually discover more of myself.

What?

That too new agey for you?

- Can I ask you something?

- Of course.

- You're drinking, are you worried about

what it's doing to you?

- Well, what's it doing to me?

- I just mean like your
health, your finances,

that kinda stuff.

- Oh my God, you're such a preacher.

- I'm not trying to offend
you, I'm trying to help you.

- Vincent, I'm not a teenager, okay?

Like, I got it, I got this.

I do appreciate you,
though, you're very sweet

and I love you.

They'd be happier if you died.

You talentless whore.

Nobody loves you.

Do you remember when

we used to go to the coast all the time?

Dude, that place was like
our fucking sanctuary.

- Are you okay?

- You're own parents don't love you.

You're so fucking worthless.

Maybe we should go there again,

get away from all this fucking noise.

You are stupid piece of shit.

Everybody leaves you.

It's so loud, it's so loud in here.

- You know I can call this off.

(scoffing)

- What, another reason
for you to be sick of me?

- Please, I'm begging for a reason

not to go through with this.

- No shit.

- What does that mean?

- Nothing, just go, have fun.

- But I can stay here with you.

- No, I'm just gonna be here,
boring, sleeping, snoring,

in your bed.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- You need anything?

- No, do you need anything?

- Xanax.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Come on in.

- Sure, yeah.

- I was starting to think you stood me up.

- Yeah, I'm really sorry,
there was a phone call

that went long.

- Well, you're here now.

- Are you ready?

- Actually, about that.

I know this is super not okay, but,

would you want to stay here for our date?

I mean, not stay here, stay here.

stay here and cook something.

My babysitter canceled.

- Oh.

Yeah, sure, sounds good.

- Thank you, you look nice.

- Thank you, you look nice too.

- Thanks, do you want a glass of wine?

- Yes, please.

- Fuck, no.

Oh my God.

Dude, what the fuck do you want?

I quit man, get over it.

No, uh-uh, no, you do not know me.

Fine, okay, okay you can drop them off,

but no fucking bullshit.

I will text you.

Whatever, bye.

Jesus Christ.

- You're such a cliche, you
really don't know how to cook?

- It's not that I can't,

I just don't really have the time.

- That's bachelor code for
you can't, don't deny it.

Right?

- Maybe.

- Right?

- Right.

- Right.

So, there's a rumor that a sister

no one knew about showed up.

- Really?

- Any other secrets, other siblings?

- What do you eman?

- Hey, come on, it's
at least a little weird

that literally no one knew she existed.

- What, a pastor can't
have a private life?

- I didn't mean to offend, I'm sorry.

- No, no, it's not that, it's just,

I don't really want to talk about her.

- Okay.

- Why don't you tell me about yourself?

I mean, we see each
other almost every day,

but I feel like I don't
know anything about you.

- Come on, Vincent.

That's disgusting.

Okay, where the fuck are you hiding them?

I can smell them on you.

Okay, come to mama.

Fuck.

Bingo.

- It destroyed me, and I had nothing.

- I'm sorry.

- It happened, but, I'm here and,

I'm happy.

- I don't know how you did it.

- God.

- God.

- What is it?

- Oh no, I mean, of course,
of course we need to thank God

for everything that happens in life, but,

don't you think you should take
some of the credit yourself?

God can only guide us so much, you know?

- But that's what living by faith is.

- Just think about it for a second though.

How do you know if
you're doing God's will?

- Prayer, talking with Godly counsel.

- But do you ever really know?

- We have a job here on Earth,

we can't just sit and let it happen.

- Well yeah, I mean, I agree.

But, it's a dificult thought, right?

I mean, if God works in
such a seemingly distant way

then how do you know if
what you're doing is right

or if you're being who he wants us to be?

- I guess it's just one
of those things you know.

Like when you fall in love.

- Well, I've never fallen in love.

- Come on.

- Not really.

- Never?

- No.

- I don't believe that.

- It's true.

- Why not?

- I don't know, I mean,

I guess maybe I just haven't
met the right person yet.

- When was the last time
you seriously dated someone?

- Before Seminary.

- That was a long time ago, I mean,

you were a completely
different person then,

everybody changes.

- Really?

Everyone kinda looks the same to me.

- What about sanctification,
doesn't that change people?

- Perhaps.

- What do you mean?

- Well, look at Chris, a pastor
we all loved and cherished.

Now suddenly his church is broke

because he pocketed tithes
and spent them on an affair

two states away.

I seriously doubt he was planning that

when he wrote his dissertation.

You can't know yourself,
so how can you ever know

someone else enough to give
yourself to them entirely?

- You are so depressing.

- No.

I don't want you to misunderstand me.

I just struggle to see
how you can love someone

you can never truly know.

Yourself included.

I mean, think about it,

why are people so self-destructive?

- Hey there, how are you?

- No small talk.

- I know, I know that's what we agreed to.

I'm really sorry, but, can
I please use your bathroom?

Come on.

- Okay.

- Aren't you gonna say something?

- Thank you.

- You're very welcome.

Sarah says "Hi."

- Yeah, well, she has my number.

- Krystal, of all people,
you should know how it works,

there's no time.

- How's she doing?

- Pretty good, good, well, good, I guess.

She's a bit off at first,
you know that breathy thing

she does when she speaks?
- Oh my God.

- I have had the hardest
time breaking that down.

But, she's starting to grasp it.

I know she would love to
see you in the audience.

Whose place is this anyway?

- It's my brother's.

Or, my foster brother.

- It seems like he needs
to lighten up a bit.

- He's a pastor.

- There you have it.

- Yep, that's it.

- So, how are you, really?

- I am so good.

- So good.

- Yeah, so good since I have no job.

- I'm happy to hear that.

You know, things haven't
been so easy with you gone.

Your voice has been missed by everyone.

By me.

- Rene, I can't.

- Krystal, you are a goddess.

You can do anything you want, so,

so do exactly what you want.

Is this okay?

- You're gonna die alone.

- Mind if I ask you something?

- What?

- What do you feel about all of it,

in terms of God, life, everything?

- That's all?

You know when you go swimming
and your head goes underwater,

and everything just kinda gets so quiet,

there's nothing around
you and nobody with you?

- For the most part, yeah.

- Well, I think that's
how I feel about it.

- I don't think I get what you're saying.

- I don't think I do either.

- You are something
incredible, live like it.

- Nobody cares if you live or you die.

You are a dumb fucking whore.

Fucking worthless.

You are a stupid piece of shit.

You have no family.

You talentless whore.

Nobody loves you.

You psycho fucking bitch.

Everybody leaves you.

Fucking worthless.

I hope you die.

Ride this cock you fucking whore.

You are only good for a fuck.

You self-centered,
self-righteous fucking brat.

I am not your goddamn toy!

- We're having a great time.

I just wanna hold you.

- I don't wanna be held.

- Krystal.

- Just get out,
don't even look at me.

- Come here, please.

- Get the fuck out, get out!

- I don't understand
where this is coming from!

- You don't get
where this is coming from?

I don't wanna be fucking touched by you.

I don't even want you to be here.

Did I ask you to come here?

- Why did you let me in?

- I told you
not to fucking stay.

I said no fucking small talk,
I said no fucking small talk.

Get the fuck out!

- Wait, it's me.

- I can't do this anymore,
I don't wanna live.

- What?

- Everything is so fucked up.

- Hey, hey.

Come on, this isn't who you are.

- Oh my God.

- You don't deserve that.

- Who the fuck are you to say that to me?

- What?

- I've spent my entire life
trying to figure out who I am.

What about you?

You lie to yourself more
than anyone I have ever met.

- Oh my God, shut up.

- Do you want me to say it?

Vincent, I know why you
begged me to ask you to stay.

- You know what, just stop it Krystal,

just stop it

right now.
- Stop hiding it.

You're being pathetic.

- Well, you know what, at least
I'm not out slutting around.

- Yeah, I am out slutting around.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

But you wanna know what's so much worse?

Being a fucking faggot.

- Do you get off on this, huh, do you?

- For once in our miserable fucking lives

I wanna hear you say that
your life is as bad as mine.

For once.

For once in your life, I am so sick

of this self-righteous bullshit, admit it.

Just fucking admit it.

- Well, it's not gonna happen

because I can't.

Okay.

I can't.

Some people make choices
in their life, Krystal.

Some people try to be good people.

Some people try to lead people.

Some people stand up there every week

and they say things that
they don't even know

if they truly fucking believe.

And they condemn people
that are just like them.

But I'm trying to be a good person.

Even though I'm not a good
person, I'm a really bad person.

But I'm trying.

And what are you doing?

You're not even trying.

- That's not true.

I love you, Vincent.

I love you.

I'm sorry too.
- I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean it.
- I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, fucking sorry.

- I'll be here.

- It's the same face you've always had.

What are you so consumed by?

- All of it, what we're doing here.

- That's a little deep for
a Friday, don't you think?

Listen, we need to talk about this book.

I honestly don't even know what
to do about Dennis anymore,

he's just getting so
upset by the whole thing.

- Books take time.

- Not like this, though,

especially when they're
already supposedly written

as a sermon series.

- What are you suggesting?

- Well, what are you suggesting?

I mean...

- What are you doing tonight?

- Nothing, nothing special.

Becky's getting ready for
the New Year's Eve retreat.

- Do you wanna come over for a
drink or something, you know.

Get out of Pastor mode,
relax a little bit.

- Yeah, I mean,

sounds like you could use it.

- I could.

Well, you were good at it
though, the kids loved you.

- Do you have to have a license?

- A license to be a youth pastor?

What do you mean?

- Like a background check.

- Well, yes, we do a
background check, of course.

You're so creepy.

- It's not creepy, that's
a legitimate question.

- She's so creepy.

- What's in my background
- No, no, no,

- it's not you.
- that she's looking for?

- Really, what are you?

- Krystal, hey.
- I'm just saying.

- I'm just asking.

- She's so awkward sometimes.

- I'm not awkward.
- No, I'm awkward, it's fine.

- You are awkward, it
is you, but it's okay.

- Whoa.

- I'm just kidding.

I'm sorry, I'm not drinking,
so, it's a new thing.

It's weird.

- How's that going for you?

- Great, actually.

- It is, and you need to.

- It's going really well,
it's been about 12 hours, so.

- I think it's really impressive.

I think that's you know,

- You do?

- remarkable.

- Yeah, it is, sure.

- What part?

- Krystal, you're doing...

- The not drinking part, I guess.

- I'm just curious.

What do you know about

me?

- If we all have impulses,
our baser nature,

'cause we're all flawed from birth.

And it's difficult to, you know...

- We were supposed to be relaxing.

- I know, I'm sorry, you're right.

I just was curious because...

Yeah, whatever, it doesn't matter.

- Is that one of your new little projects?

- Yep, not a little
project, it's just a show

that I'm auditioning
for, it's no big deal.

Marcus, do you know he's
never seen any of my shows?

- How many shows have you?

- Oh, Jesus, you mean my whole career?

- I mean, that is kinda surprising.

- Thousands.

- That's not just my fault Krystal.

- Well, this one would
not be church appropriate,

so you are off the hizzy.

- Don't worry about him
with church appropriate,

he says things at the pulpit
that aren't church appropriate.

- What?

- You do, sometimes.

You do occasionally stray from
the template a little bit.

- Hmm.

- There's some controversy.

- Oh, okay, like what, that's curious?

Shut the fuck up, shut
the fuck up, it's okay.

- It's actually great, I
think it shakes things up.

Because people in our
congregation can be pretty square,

I guess, square, is that what people say?

If you can say that anymore.

- It's what people say.

- Okay.

- That's funny.

Well, I don't believe you,
I think that's bullshit.

And I can't imagine he would
say anything like my play.

But maybe you should.

I'll be back.

- Did I miss something?

- No, that's just Krystal.

I'll be right back, I'm sorry.

I'll just check on her.

- Okay.

- Hey, are you okay?

- I feel sick.

- Hey, you know
this will be worth it.

- Yeah, you try it.

- No, I'm good, thanks.

- Fuck you.

- Fair enough.

- You can get that.

- I don't want to.

- Oh my God, will you please just get it?

- Sorry, I'm sorry.

- Is she okay?

- Yeah, yeah, she's fine.

- Should I go, or?

- No, no, hold on.

Laurel, hey, what's going on?

- Pastor, I need your help.

I don't know what to do.

- Okay, what about?

- It's Josh,

he's talking so much about dying,

- Where is he?

- He needs someone,

he needs a godly man to talk to.

- Of course, can you put him on?

- Can you come
talk to him, pray with him?

I tried

he won't listen to a wife.
- Laurel.

Laurel, go get him.

- Yeah, sure.

- Hey Josh, it's
Vincent, what's going on?

- I just wanna sleep.

- Josh, I know what you're feeling.

I felt it too,

God's complete silence, it hurts.

- They'd all be happier without me.

- That's not true, Josh, think
of it from their perspective.

You are their beauty,

I don't know any better than anyone else.

Sometimes I think I'm full of shit.

- I told you, I just wanna sleep.

Why won't anyone get that?

- Josh.

Shit.

Shit.

Oh fuck.

Hey.

- I think I should go.

- I'm sorry, things
just got a little crazy.

- It's okay, it's the
life of a pastor, right?

- Yeah, you sure you're okay to drive?

- Of course, are you
gonna be okay tonight?

- I hope.

- Hey, get some sleep, all right?

- Yeah.

- Please, sleep, I love you.

And tell Krystal that I
hope she feels better soon.

- I will.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Your time in prison has
not taught you one thing.

- My time has taught me plenty.

When you're caged like a rabid animal

there is only one thing to do, think.

I entertained my mind to no end.

Now, would you like to know
what it was consumed by?

- I should think

the very things that sent you there.

- That was indeed a part
of it, but not in the way

that your tiny minds thinks.

The only regret I have

is using that wonderful
gift too sparingly,

for, if Alexander had
not awoken when he did

I may very well have been in
Paris at this very moment.

You see, my shame is not
in what my actions were,

instead, I find shame in
these actions I did not take.

- Thank you, Krystal,

that was very helpful.

- Do you want to see anything different?

- No, no, that's good for now, thank you.

- Oh.

Okay, thank you.

- Careful.

- Right, careful.

Fucking idiot.

He wouldn't let me do a good scene.

I shoulda.

Fucking only opportunity.

Fuck!

Fuck.

Yes?

Come in.

- Hi.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to
check to see if you're okay?

- I fucked it up that badly?

- No, not at all, I've seen so much worse

just is this week.

- That's encouraging.

- He's an asshole, and thankfully,
it isn't just up to him.

- Well, what did you think?

- I watched you last year, talked to Rene

about what you can do.

And, I might be persuaded
to give you a second chance.

- Okay, you know what?

This is getting incredibly fucking old.

- I didn't mean anything by it.

- Bullshit, what did Rene tell you?

- That you're incredibly
talented but scared.

- Of what?

- He says you're scared of yourself.

- Oh, so he didn't tell you
that I would sleep with you?

Because that seems to be a thing.

Everyone seems to think

that I am just dying
to get their dick wet.

- Look, I really wasn't
trying to mean anything by it.

- Whatever.

You know what?

Everyone just wants what they want.

Oh, hey, by the way, your
script, yeah, it fucking sucks,

why don't you learn how to write?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Good luck.

- Yeah, fuck you!

- Fuck.

- We can't sustain with
this type of decline,

and another sermon on
finances will only do so much.

- The problem is,
is they don't trust us.

- Well, don't you think
the people still here

are invested enough to believe?

- We can expect any more from them.

Vincent, what can we provide you

so that you finish this thing?

- Gentleman, we have been
struggling for so long.

We have tried and failed, every
time we get back on track.

Maybe it's time to consider

that God isn't wanting us here anymore.

- What do you mean?

- What I said, maybe it's
time to close our doors.

- What about the congregation,
where do they go?

- Wherever they want, we're
not the only church in town.

- Vincent, God put us
together for a reason,

we can't just drop
everything that's not being

a good steward of what
he's entrusted to us.

- Vincent, I know you're tired, but,

we can't just abandon everything.

- Okay.

Nevermind, it was just a passing thought.

- Okay then,
anybody have anymore ideas?

- We can talk
more after Sunday's lunch.

- What the heck was that?

- I was just looking for alternatives.

- Yeah, but giving up?

That's not like you.

- You don't know what's like me.

- What is going on?

- Yes?

- Laurel's here to see you.

- Okay, bring her in.

- Vincent, she's crying.

- What's going on?

- I have no idea.

- Laurel, hey, please take a seat.

- Pastor, I need to talk.

- I'll step outside.

- Wait, what's this about?

- Please don't do that, don't play dumb,

he doesn't deserve that.

- Where is Josh?

Laurel, where is Josh?

- I found him in our backyard.

I took the baby, we went to the park.

He said he was fine.

He hung himself.

- Jesus Christ.

- You knew he was gonna do that.

How could you let him,
how could you not care?

- I do care.

- Bullshit!

I begged for your help, I begged you!

I heard every word you said to him,

you are lying piece of garbage,

and you took my husband's life!

- Laurel, Vincent loved Josh.

- You didn't hear him!

He doesn't believe a word of it, do you?

Why are you even here?

- Perhaps we should pray together.

- No, no more prayers, not from you.

I can't wait for the day
you find out hell is real.

- Vincent!

- I'm leaving.

Dear sister, I want you to come see me.

I don't regret what I said,
but I do regret how I said it.

We need each other.

Dear Krystal, I worry about you.

I'm kind of surprised

that I haven't heard back from you yet.

I just need you to say
something, anything,

even if it's telling me to fuck off.

I need to hear from my sister.

My dear Krystal, so yeah,
I've been here two months now,

but already it's trouble, it's weird.

People staring at me and
wanting answers from me,

and I'm just supposed to
make everything better.

It really hurts to write to you

and not even get a hello in response.

How can you be so cold, huh?

Krystal, so you win.

You always were more stubborn than me.

They look to me to give them that passion,

and that's not possible.

I can barely do that for myself,

much less an entire congregation.

God, I'm exhausted.

Even a pastor needs a confessional,

and I think that's what
these letters have become.

So you know what, Krystal, fuck you.

I can see how truly pathetic my life is.

Krystal, you know something I
always appreciated about you?

You could always perfectly

get to the heart of the
matter with a quote.

I have no idea what I'm saying.

I want to help them, I really do,

but I'm just as wretched
and hopeless as any of them.

How do you look at your reflection

and not just feel really disgusted?

Out, damned spot.

- Hey.

So, I had a shitty day.

- Fuck you.

- Excuse me?

- What are you doing here, huh?

Did you really want to reconnect with me

or is it just that you
fucked up every other option?

- I wanted to see you!

- It's bullshit, it's
such fucking bullshit.

You destroy everything,
- God, what

is your fucking problem?
- you always have.

My life was fine, I was doing just fine,

and then you show up
and it's all messed up!

- Okay, have you forgotten
about those fucking letters

that you sent me?

Those whiny fucking letters

about how miserable your life was?

- Is this really working for you, huh?

This whole, do whatever the fuck

you wanna do, hedonism bullshit?

- Pretty much.

- Because you seem pretty
fucking miserable to me.

You can't even look at
yourself in the goddamn mirror.

- This is who I am, it's me.

Good or bad, pretty or
ugly, it's fucking me.

And I'm not the one who's hiding
every little fucking thing

about myself, why are
you fucking doing that?

- You know what?

This isn't working, just get out.

- Just leave me alone!

- Fuck you!

Jesus.

Fuck you!

God, what is your fucking problem?

You lie to yourself more
than anyone I've ever met.

Fucking faggot.

I wanna hear you say that your life

is as bad as mine.

For once!

I'm not the one who's hiding

every fucking little things about myself.

Fuck you!

- Fuck.

- To my sweet, sweet Vincent.

Hey.

I thought maybe we should talk in person,

but, we both know that
wouldn't go so well.

I mean, Jesus Christ,

how can eyes be so judgemental?

Do you remember our last summer together?

Of course you do.

God, I got to you so much.

I needed to see you, I needed a hug.

I knew that you were already
on this religious excursion

but I didn't think it'd stick.

Nobody changes that much.

All I wanted was for you to
come to our last show, Vincent.

I needed to see you in the audience,

telling me that
everything's gonna be okay.

You fucking ass.

Go, live your life, I really understand.

But to tell me that you're leaving

because I'm a stumbling block for you?

That you needed to abandon your family

and go to a seminary 900 miles away

and devote yourself entirely to God,

then I will never be as important
as your invisible friend.

Is being around me
really going to make you

such a horrible person?

I mean, come on, what were you scared of?

I only needed us, but that
wasn't good enough for you.

You destroyed it, not me.

Now I don't need you, not anymore.

And never again.

I hope you find what you need.

- So guide us with your Word,

provide us with wisdom and understanding.

We love you Father, in the
name of your Son, amen.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- I'm just going to come out and say it,

we're here to see if you're
still qualified for ministry,

or even if you want to
be in ministry anymore?

Marcus called us last night

expressing some pretty serious concerns

about your current state.

I'd be lying if I said
none of us also felt

or saw the same thing.

Marcus, why don't you start by telling us

some of your growing concerns
for the past few months?

- Sorry I'm late.

Had to find a good excuse

to break away from the back and forth.

- Thank you for coming.

- How are you holding up?

Honestly.

- Honestly, I'm nervous.

- I'd say that's quite understandable.

- Have they said anything yet?

- No, not really,

it's just been the
usual exhausting banter.

I think everybody's still just in shock

from the whole thing.

- I feel like I'm on trial.

- To be perfectly honest, you are Vincent.

I mean, what did you think was going on?

- Do you think I'm disqualified?

- I don't know, I just don't know.

But I'm rooting for you,
okay I always have been.

- It's just all so fucked up.

- Did you tell us everything?

No more secrets?

- I don't have a reason to hold back.

- Gentleman, can I
start you with something

other than the water today?

- Water's fine.

- Coffee?

- Please.

- Sounds great,
I'll be back shortly

to take your order.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Let's just try to eat, enjoy this meal,

and try not to think about it.

Worrying just makes us feel sick,

and the food here is
simply too good for that.

I'll buy.

- No, I can do it.

- That, sir, is not up for debate.

I'll provide the food, you
provide the wonderful company.

It's a pretty fair trade, don't you think?

Breakfast, you, I think they're equal.

Yes, a smile, thank you.

I haven't seen you do
that in a little bit.

- Good morning.

I made you some coffee.

- Thanks.

- Rene,

I'm sorry

about the way I left the theater.

That wasn't how I wanted to go,

but I'm absolutely ready to go.

You don't see me.

You just see what you want me to be,

and I'm fucking suffocating.

I just can't keep doing it.

And it's not just you,
it's literally every time.

You know, these directors,

manipulating, controlling,

I'm just done with it.

I am so unhappy, you're unhappy.

It's like you forgot why
you got into this business.

You used to love plays, you
used to love reading new shows.

And if I don't end it now,

and go,

I may never go.

This isn't who I am.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- We had a good run.

- Will you do me a favor?

Will you take care of yourself?

Get some sleep.

Take a fucking class.

I'm gonna go.

Goodbye.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

She's a poison, Vincent.

- How?

Tell me exactly how she's a poison.

- What has she brought
you since she arrived?

Questions, anxiety, anger.

- Shouldn't we always be questioning?

- Not like this.

- Not like what?

- You're my brother in
this war, I love you.

I'm trying to support you,
but, being true to yourself,

it's not good.

It's not healthy, it's not even safe.

You're broken, I'm broken,

everyone seated around
us right now is broken.

We come from a fallen
world, and that world,

dying and full of sin is
trying to lure you away

with it's succulent
voice, don't listen to it.

I know there's shit you weren't saying.

Something dark that you
refuse to tell the Board.

I know that whatever's going
on, you want to embrace it,

but do not do it.

You are cattle heading for the slaughter.

- You don't believe that.

How could you?

And you know what, I am so fucking tired

of everyone being so
dramatic all the time.

Yes, yes, Krystal is fucked
up, but like you said,

we all are, but she is not a bad person.

She is trying to figure out who she is,

and she fights like hell
to make that happen.

That should be a
beautiful thing, not ugly.

- Vincent, listen to
yourself, think about it.

You and I, and everyone who
has ever taking a breath

has a nature that was
beautiful once, yes, but,

the fall ripped away from
who we were supposed to be

and turned us evil.

Do we really want to know
the depths of who we are

without a God who kindly offers rescue?

- Marcus, what are you so afraid of?

- Everything, Vincent,
I'm at war with myself

more than anyone else.

The chief of sinners.

There's a person in me who I despise.

I don't do the things
I want to do, indeed,

I do the very things that I hate.

- You're full of shit.

- Okay, yeah, I'm full of
shit, we're all full of shit.

But has it ever occurred
to you that the path

to self-discovery will
only lead to an emptiness

and you buried six feet under?

And along the way the impact

that you have on the lives of
others will only leave them

feeling empty as well.

Perhaps it's a good thing that
I deny what I think and feel

because at least I can
offer help, real or false

to those who would otherwise not have it.

Josh would still be alive
had he been given that hope.

I love you Vincent,
but, what are you doing?

It's supposed to rain.

I'll drive you home.

The elders probably won't
decide anything today anyway.

- Can I ask you something?

- Why didn't I tell them?

- Seems like
it'd be kind of a big deal.

- Yeah, what even was that?

- It seems obvious to me.

- Yeah, but I mean, it
wasn't planned, was it?

It just sort of happened?

- Was it all that bad?

- It's sin!

- Yeah, so I've heard.

But did you want it?

- What I want doesn't
matter, what does God want?

- Please, no more talk about God,

I can't take anymore talk about God.

- But, I...

- No, no more.

It's this.

This touch.

This is what I know and feel is real.

I'm too drained questioning what God wants

or doesn't want for me.

And I want to think about
me for just once in my life.

I want to think about what I want.

And I don't want to feel guilty about it.

Do you want some water?

- Yeah.

Yeah, thanks.

- The elders are ready.

- Marcus--

- No, not right now.

It's sin.

It will always be sin.

- We're going to make this quick Vincent.

None of us like this,

but we're really trying
to think of what's best

for the congregation right now.

The things that you're
dealing with, the doubt,

the stress, the personal
stuff with your sister,

this body doesn't need
another controversy.

So, we decided to not let you go.

We're going to send you out instead.

There's a new plant
coming up, it's smaller.

It'll be just you and another pastor.

- Who?

I love you too.

wander 16.06.2020