Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Yeah, I'm headed there right now.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I see.

Bye.

So I don't have a rescue dog.

I mean, I have a dog and it came from the shelter

but I don't call it a rescue dog.

I feel like rescue is kind of a grandiose term

for going and getting something that I already wanted.

Rescuing should involve

swinging on vines and defusing bombs.

Okay, three,

two, one.

Oh, that's really cute.

And, look, I'm happy to take another one

but just so you know, the meter is running.

- Aw, look at you! - That's so cute.

I look fabulous.

Oh no.

- I love it. - Delete it.

Your skin is perfect.

- It makes me want to kill you. - What?

No, I should've just warn my hair down.

I mean, it looks horrible.

Look at my breakouts.

At least one of us can pull updos.

Have you ever noticed that some girls

don't really compliment each other unless

it sounds really threatening?

Your body is so fit,

I wish you that you would power walk right off a cliff.

Your smile is so beautiful

I want to take a baseball bat to it.

Your hair's so beautiful I want to rip it out

and then it wouldn't be your hair anymore.

It would be my hair.

No, that's not good, that one needs work.

Sir?

Sir?

Huh?

Yeah, I just wanted to know if you needed to go

to Brookside Apartments or Brookwood Apartments.

Terry's!

Take me to Terry's, mm-hmm, yeah.

Okay, so does Terry live at Brookwood Apart...

Terry's!

Boom, boom, boom, ba-boom.

Terry's, yeah.

Strip, nap.

Okay, that sounds like Brookside.

I mean, I tell other people that he's a rescue dog

and I definitely use the hashtag on Instagram.

Right here, buddy!

My lane.

Because, otherwise, how would people know

that I was a good person?

Well, I'm sure you son is really excited

that you're gonna be visiting

and you're gonna have fun too.

There's a lot to do here, it's a nice town.

The body discovered in Philips Park

has been identified as 24 year old Gabriel Payne.

Authorities are asking for any information.

So what part of town does your son live in?

Honey, no!

Every time we go there we get terrible service

and you expect me to talk to the manager?

I'm sorry, ma'am, we want to go to the Cellar.

Don't talk over me!

It is my birthday and I get to choose!

We went out for your birthday last night.

That was the agreement.

Pffft.

What, did you make it with yourself

because I don't remember signing anything.

Okay.

Happy birthday.

I don't really know how to react to people

who celebrate birthday months.

Like what if my birthday falls during the same month?

Do I have to cancel mine?

If I have a party and I invite that person,

does it then become their party?

Because I'm not about sharing cake.

This is a nice car.

What kind of warranty does it have on it?

Thanks, I'm actually not sure.

It's on loan from my sister.

Mine, someone smashed all the windows out...

Does it get pretty good gas mileage?

Again, I'm not really sure

because I'm just borrowing it for awhile.

How much was the down payment,

if you don't mind my asking?

I can, I can text my sister.

Well not while you're driving,

I'm scared to death back here.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

See, here's the thing about women.

Here's the thing about Millennials.

So here's the thing about "Game of Thrones."

Oh!

Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you for riding with Ferry.

We welcome feedback to help improve

your customer experience.

Back.

You doing all right tonight?

Fine, thanks.

And where are we heading?

22 Elmwood Drive.

Then I need you to...

Oh, multiple stops?

Yes.

Okay, you in town for business or pleasure?

Visiting old friends.

Oh, you're from here originally?

No.

Cool.

A bunch of night owls, I guess.

You guessed right.

So, are we picking a few people up

and then heading to one location

because I can suggest some places that stay open.

What is your name?

Emerson.

Is that a first name or a last name?

It can be both.

What does it say on your driver's license?

Suspended.

I assume that's a joke.

Yes.

Sorry, it's Emerson Graham.

Okay, Miss Graham,

I very much appreciate your trying to help.

However,

I have a very specific plan and I intend to stick to it.

Also, I have to keep an eye on the time.

So...

My apologies, Mister...

Sorry, what was your name?

Unimportant.

22 Elmwood Lane.

Mm-hmm.

I can put on some music if you want.

This is fine.

There are actually a lot of fun places

that stay open late here.

When I'm done with this,

I'm probably hitting up a few open mics.

You're a singer?

As a service to the general public, I'm not.

I do standup.

You're a comedian?

Not judging by your reactions.

I imagine you're funny in a different setting.

Thanks, that's what I put on my business cards.

Here we are.

So I see.

Are you going to be visiting for awhile?

Should I do a few more stops and come back

- or do you want me to... - Wait.

I'll be out shortly.

Feel free to listen to some music.

Appreciate it.

Super cool of you, guy.

Hello?

No, this isn't Jim, I actually...

My name's Emerson Graham, I'm not with him though.

I found his bag outside of my apartments.

Yeah, I would've called earlier

but the phone was locked, so I...

I hate to hear that.

Yeah, I know how things get at night here.

But I do live in a college neighborhood,

people drop things all the time.

Listen, if he shows up in the next few minutes

just call this phone back,

I'll be happy to drop it wherever you guys are.

Otherwise, I'll take it to the police station

and you can let him know.

Yeah, I hope you hear something soon.

Good luck.

Have you ever met the person who's so up their own ass

that they give you permission to do your own stuff?

Like, you'll invite them out for the weekend

and they'll say, eh, I don't really feel like it

but you can go.

Oh, well thank you so much for giving me the go ahead.

You know, I was just gonna sit on my hands...

Done.

On to the next address.

Great.

You can turn that back down now.

How many more stops did you say?

What's that smell?

It's an essential oil mix for calming, tranquil thoughts.

Nice, huh?

It's really strong for use inside a vehicle.

This one might take a little longer.

You're fine waiting?

I can.

If you're gonna be visiting for awhile,

you're free to flag down...

It would be better if you stayed nearby.

Okay, well just so you know,

there is an additional fee on any waits over...

The fee isn't an issue.

In fact, I'm willing to add a generous tip on completion.

Willing, wow.

Well, I guess it is necessary.

Just depends on how much you like getting money.

Hey, what's up, Grace?

Yeah, I'm on a job right now, actually.

No, I can grab some on the way home.

In good news,

we might not have to wait until the last minute

to pay the utility bill this month.

No, not a good night, exactly.

The guy's kind of an ass but a profitable one.

Okay.

Yep, I'm writing it down now.

Bye.

We need to go!

That didn't take very long.

No, it didn't.

On to the next spot, please.

Sure.

Listen, I'm sorry if earlier I was being...

It's fine!

What're you doing?

Um.

What're you doing?

Listen, I hate to bail on this ride

but I've just had an emergency come up.

I need to make a phone call real quick.

Is it okay if I drop you off some...

I don't care where you drop me, just start driving.

Sure, the thing is...

Now!

Please.

I've got an address for you to put in the phone,

if you don't mind.

Really need to make this phone call, guy.

And I really don't need to be stranded out here.

Well, I know the city pretty well,

so I can probably find the place

without putting the address in my phone.

What the hell?

If you don't need to put it in your phone

then get me to 34 Maplewood.

You need to get out of my car.

34 Maplewood!

I said I'm in a hurry!

You can say whatever you want to

but you are not saying it in my car anymore.

What the hell?

Get off of me!

I need you to drive!

Okay.

34.

- Maplewood. - Maple.

Lane or street?

Um...

It's street.

Please don't hurt me.

I'm not going to.

Please don't hurt anybody.

I'm not, really.

I can take you to the airport right now.

You can leave town and I will never tell anyone about this.

I promise.

I can't do that.

Please, I don't wanna be a part of this.

Can you just let me drop you off somewhere?

Let me explain.

Don't stop!

I have to.

I have a knife.

Well if I don't, they're just gonna call for backup.

All right.

Just...

Act natural.

Okay.

Nobody gets hurt.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

It's gonna be okay.

Evening.

You were doing a lot of weaving back there.

Officer, I need your help, this man is dangerous!

What're you doing?

He has a weapon, I think he hurt someone back there!

No.

Sir, step out of the vehicle

with your hands where I can see them!

I can explain.

Whoa!

Oh no.

Oh

no.

Go!

Drive!

What're you doing?

I'm getting my phone.

We need to call help for that guy.

We are not gonna be able to help that guy.

You don't know that.

I do, sorry.

What was that?

That really wasn't supposed to happen.

I messed up at the last stop.

That doesn't tell me what it was.

It was a demon.

No.

Yeah, no.

For the lack of a better term.

And now I lost my talisman

and I'm just really playing everything by ear here.

No.

See, what I need you to do now

is you gotta take me to the cemetery.

I gotta get a sample of the soil.

Then I need silver, any kind of silver.

Silver plating, anything that will work.

Why are you stopping?

Get out of the car.

Didn't want to do this, I got a knife.

Now!

Listen,

I need your help, okay?

We can defeat this together.

But I got a limited amount of time here, okay?

Because they know I'm here now, they can track me.

There isn't a we.

You wouldn't even give me your name earlier.

This isn't a team effort.

Roger, I'm Roger.

You're a dick and I should've thrown you out of my car

as soon as you got rude about the radio.

But you didn't.

What?

You didn't bail on me

because there's something inside of you

that is called to help me.

You sensed a need to serve a greater good

and you answered it.

No, I wanted to make a big enough tip

that my roommate and I could afford plumbing

that doesn't necessitate the use of a turd spoon.

I don't care about you and I definitely didn't sign up

to watch someone die.

Get out of my car!

There are things like that out there, more things,

and they can catch me.

Please.

Oh, my bag.

My bag!

You got my bag!

Hold up!

Shit.

Are you letting me get my supplies?

Get in.

You have made the right choice.

People are going to remember your name

for the heroics you do tonight.

I wanna play my radio if I want to

and you're still giving me a big tip.

Well, if we live through this,

you won't care about any of those things anymore.

Yes I will.

Fine.

Will you give me my phone?

Wow.

You have a lot of "Word War" notifications.

Well, I know a lot of words.

I don't think I have that many friends.

No kidding.

What is a turd spoon?

It's exactly what it sounds like.

I have no idea what it sounds like.

Did that officer die back there?

I don't think so.

Oh, thank...

I think he's probably getting possessed as we speak.

Jesus.

That is very strong.

Well, it's lavender.

It's good for lengthening the brainwaves

and calming me down.

We have so much to do

if we're gonna pull this off tonight.

Oh!

That, what is that?

It's mint, it's good for energy.

It smells like Satan's anus.

Significantly worse than the first one.

Well, then pick a favorite.

I've got mint, I've got lavender,

I've got rosemary, I've got sandalwood, cedarwood,

thyme and eucalyptus.

But, you know, even if I poured it

directly into the upholstery, that still wouldn't be

as heinous as not telling me that

I was tagging along for a demon hunt.

So just chill about the oils, okay?

What are you, my ex?

Are you hungry by any chance?

You know, maybe if we're fortifying ourselves,

we should be eating something, not just smelling it.

Fine.

What are they?

You said for lack of a better word.

If they aren't demons, then what are they?

I don't think there's a word for what they are.

They're evil spirits,

dark entities from another plane.

What do they do?

They take over the body of a host.

And what, feed on the flesh of the living, kill people?

No.

They spread to score at a much smaller level.

Eventually, housing one of them will kill the host

sooner rather than later,

but the main part is loss of agency.

Imagine being a passenger in your own body

but tonight, tonight, I can get rid of them for good!

How do you know so much about this?

It is my curse.

It is my family's fault.

There is a window between their world and ours.

What do you mean?

You probably wonder why I'm traveling alone.

Why I have no companion.

No, I feel pretty rock solid on that.

It is because those entities roam freely

as long as my family still lives.

Every time someone is born into my family,

another batch of those things

is given free reign in our world.

I can not take a wife or have a child

until I take of this, once and for all.

Can I crack the window just an inch?

Do you wanna pay with cash or card?

I thought you paid for your own gas in this service.

In the driving service that I work for, yes.

In the service of demon hunting,

we're figuring it out as we go.

I'm assuming money is not an issue?

I have money.

It's part of the deal.

The deal?

My great, great grandfather summoned an entity

in exchange passage to this world for power and wealth.

The generations that followed enjoyed the benefits

while ignoring the havoc

that those things wreaked in our world.

Well then you should definitely pay for gas.

Divest yourself of any money

that you got through evil means.

I feel like you just want me to buy the gas.

You're also buying snacks.

That's fine.

All right, help me out.

How did you great, great grandfather summon a demon

and why is tonight the night to end it all?

It all started with a book

that's been in my family for generations.

My great, great grandfather...

Hey, officer?

Are you...

Are you all right?

Never been better.

All right.

So that applied in a limited amount of time

will close it up forever.

Okay, I guess that makes sense

but what if somebody else opens it?

I'm not even entertaining that possibility.

I'm burning that book when you and I are done.

So this curse dies with your family

and you don't have any kids, right?

That's right.

Well,

not to be insensitive but if you die,

this all goes away, yeah?

Try harder.

No, I'm not saying to off yourself or anything.

It's just, if something went wrong

and you ended up getting killed,

it wouldn't be a complete waste.

Uh...

Possibly.

But my grandfather was a very wealthy man.

Yeah?

He traveled a lot.

Okay.

Now my father, my aunt, my uncle,

they're his only legal heirs but

word has it he got around a lot.

Oh.

So, him being quite promiscuous,

and the possibility of any of those kids

inheriting that particular trait,

there's no guarantee that the family ends with me.

So what can I do to help?

Obviously if there's demons,

for lack of a better word, in my town,

I wanna help you get rid of them.

Okay, I need the blood of a host.

I've already go that.

Then I need the branches from very specific trees.

Oh, how do we keep from getting waylaid

by another one of those things?

That's a good question.

Okay, keep your eyes pealed for people of authority,

people with power.

If you know what to look for,

they won't be able to take us by surprise.

Help!

I don't know how yet!

Oh no.

Can't that wait?

Sorry!

Give me some silver!

Oh!

Here!

Ugh!

It's not the turd spoon, you jackwagon!

Should we take him with us?

Yeah, kidnapping a policeman is a great way

to keep a low profile!

Hey!

Hey, what the hell did you guys do?

Help!

I'm calling the cops!

You said kidnapping, so he's alive?

What?

You said kidnapping, not murder.

Does that mean that officer's still alive?

Yes, he's alive.

A little worse for the wear but he's alive.

So what happened to that thing?

He probably fled back to his original host.

So when you kill these things,

the people that they were in, they're okay?

More or less.

Well what does that mean?

If they fight me, I'm gonna fight back.

I think you would understand that.

Have you ever killed someone

trying to get a demon out of them?

Tonight, no.

Why here?

The gateway exists on hollow ground

in the grove of the five trees.

Back when my great grandfather lived here,

that was a cemetery that was deep in the woods.

Now I figured after all this time the gate would be closed

or I would have to find it somewhere else.

But it turns out that the cemetery has expanded

and is now enclosed by these give streets.

Oh, Elmwood, Maplewood, Cedar, Oak and Pine, the streets.

Bingo, it fits.

Should've worked perfectly.

Should have?

Can you not still pull this off?

There's no more surprise attack.

They know I'm here, they're on to me.

I mean, listen, yes, we could very well still pull this off

but we'd be insane to think to think those entities

aren't gonna try to stop us.

They're not gonna wanna go back down there

and have us close it behind them.

We got over on this guy fairly easily because

he's not used to his new body yet.

And, thankfully, that officer lost his gun

somewhere in the struggle.

What we need is the hero.

Are you not a hero?

Thank you but no.

I was going to summon a hero.

Boy, your family, they just look at a problem

and immediately leap to summoning something.

It's part of the ancient text.

From the mists of time emerges a hero

to subdue the entities.

My theory was it was a spirit

that was stronger than they were

that could hold them at bay.

Possibly, it's another human who's well versed in magic

and can vanquish them.

So why don't we?

Why don't we what?

Summon him, or her.

I told you, I lost my talisman.

I needed blood of a host, grave dust

and a very specific talisman for that task.

So we go get it.

The talisman?

Yes, you dropped it at the second house, right?

Yes I did, I dropped it at the second house.

I lost it.

So let's go back for it.

But the demon.

For lack of a better term.

It's either looking for its old body

or if it's already there,

she's on the side of the road, not at the house.

That's true.

That's very, very true.

Okay.

Hmmm.

There's one thing though.

What's that?

What is a turd spoon?

It's not important.

We do not need to have another miscommunication

like we had back there!

I need to know.

Dude, assume that I don't keep the turd spoon in my car.

I was just...

Very distracting to have that in the back of my brain.

You know, if you're rich enough to have a family curse,

then you're rich enough for me to be kind of embarrassed

about explaining the finer points of being a little poor.

More embarrassing than having a great, great grandfather

summon demons in exchange for wealth?

Or a grandfather who's a pretty epic slut?

My roommate, Grace, and I live in a really old apartment.

Not cool, historic, well maintained, old,

just old.

Okay.

Well the plumbing is dire.

We've talked to the landlord about it

but they're not gonna do anything

because what're we gonna do?

Move somewhere with equally low rent that's nicer?

Okay.

Anyway, if we or a guest have

a significant bathroom incident,

we keep a big plastic spoon next to the toilet

that we use to...

We break things up into more manageable sizes

so that the toilet can actually flush.

I cannot stress enough that that's all that we use it for.

We don't cook with it

and I definitely don't carry it around with me.

Call it the turd spoon.

Well, that's...

That certainly puts things into perspective.

Yeah.

Evil entities is a family curse but, you know,

knock on wood, I've never had to use a turd spoon.

It's not funny.

At least my granddad wasn't a big skank.

Hey, how much of your birthday and Christmas money

do you think he spent on his various

boyfriends and girlfriends

and prostitutes.

Emerson,

oh, that's good!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, wow.

Mmmm.

Whoa, whoa, this is my sister's.

Oh, I'm so glad we can finally talk about this.

You know, you could've told me

all this from the beginning.

No.

I had a responsibility.

To vanquish demons and summon a hero

but I have a responsibility to get you where you need to go.

Would you have believed me?

Maybe not, I don't know,

but I have to vanquish demons.

For lack of a better term.

I get it.

It's not the weirdest thing anyone's ever said in my car.

What is?

I don't know.

Your average Saturday night,

you get all kinds of drunks and weirdos and assholes.

Do you think some of them are possessed?

Probably not.

People are just assholes.

In my experience, demons, for lack of a better term,

try to keep a low profile.

So what do you need to protect yourself

when we go back to the house?

Okay, more silver.

Always good to have plenty of silver.

I definitely need more sage.

I used a lot on that last gentleman.

And...

Maybe another weapon.

Something less lethal than a knife.

Well.

Well, that's one down.

Okay.

And the rest we can probably get at my apartment.

I mean, silver's gonna be limited

but sage I can do.

Really?

Oh yeah, it's great for clearing out negative energy.

No matter what anybody says.

I'll have Grace bring it down.

This is perfect.

Now aren't you glad that you got the driver

with all the aroma therapy sprays?

Because I go in for all that hippy crap.

I could still do without the smell.

Is Grace gonna wonder who I am?

Driving's one of my jobs.

She's used to strangers being in my car.

Should we come up with some kind of cover story?

Sure, let's say that I'm working.

And I'm a customer.

Good, right.

I mean, unless you think

we need to rehearse it a few times.

Should we?

Hey, Em.

I got your stuff.

Is everything okay?

It's fine, she's driving me.

Yeah, everything's good.

My mom's doing a dinner thing this weekend

and she needed some extra silverware, so.

She's still up?

I'll drop it in the mailbox.

Cool.

What about your jewelry?

Just feeling fancy.

And the sage?

You know me.

That I do.

That I do.

Well, listen, I better get back inside.

Yes, tonight is a good night to stay inside, do that.

Okay, spaz.

Is everything okay with you?

I feel like I'm interrupting a drug deal.

Everything's fine but...

Jess is visiting.

Oh.

And I figured you'd be out driving all night and you know.

Yeah, yeah, you guys are friends, you should hang out.

Look, Grace?

What's up?

Is that real sliver?

Yeah.

Can I borrow it?

Sure, whenever you want.

Like, tonight?

Oh,

okay.

Em,

did you wanna come in and say hi?

No, we need to get him to his next stop.

Yes, I'm a customer and I need to get to my next stop.

I could at least say hi for you.

No.

Okay.

Bye.

Have fun.

Hmm.

I think a lot of your jewelry is fake silver.

Hmmm.

Do you wanna put on some music?

So who's Jess?

My ex.

Oh, the one who doesn't like your sprays?

Oh.

Maybe I should introduce myself.

We have a lot in common.

Sure, you've both treated me like garbage

at various points.

Maybe you could compare notes.

Sorry, that's not fair.

Jess didn't treat me like garbage.

We had a stupid breakup, it's just fresh.

Well, that can be very hard.

What sucks is that she's still on really good terms

with most of my friends.

I'm trying to be cool about it

but a hideous part of me just wants them to take my side.

Is this okay or should I...

Oh, good lord, you can touch me.

Although, if Jess and I were still together,

this would be an issue.

Jealous person, huh?

Very.

It's not all her fault.

I wasn't respectful of it.

I made fun of her about it.

But only because it was ridiculous.

I would never have cheated on her, ever.

Well, that makes sense.

Although, I do understand why she might have been

a little offended.

It got to a point where every guy or girl

that I talked to was a personal insult to her.

I didn't want to go out with her because she might get mad.

I didn't want to go out without her

because she would definitely get suspicious.

Honestly, I think part of the reason I started doing this

is so that I just had a quiet place

where I wasn't constantly arguing with someone.

Until tonight, I guess.

Maybe I am the problem.

Well, you are the common denominator.

For what it's worth, in my opinion,

I think you are a dedicated,

non-demanding, kind person.

I mean that.

Well,

I believe you.

Because you are terrible at playing it cool.

What was that back there?

I was afraid she was gonna start digging too deep?

All you had to do was tell the truth.

I was the one that was lying.

What if she had demanded to come with us?

Then I would've told her no.

Honestly, that is a much lower risk situation

than maybe anything else that you've done tonight.

Oh, unless you think Grace could snatch your body

or take down a police officer.

Full disclosure.

I get nervous around women.

More so than around demons, for lack of a better word.

Considerably.

Well,

I guess you don't have a ton of experience with them.

You probably had to cut yourself off to hunt evil entities.

Sadly, my nerves predate my decision to end the curse.

By a lot.

Please tell me that the only reason

you wanna break the curse isn't just because

you can reap the full benefits.

The only reason why you're helping me

is because you want a new toilet.

Maybe to break a lease.

Well, for the record,

if you had been this nice when we first met,

I would have tried to help you anyway.

But you have to pay now.

It would be churlish not to.

That's fine.

Mainly salt and sage.

I always keep plenty in the bag

and a few fist fulls in my pockets.

This temporarily immobilizes them.

I think it has something to do with

the purifying properties.

Sure.

Or maybe because it burns their eyes.

I once had a similar result

with a fist full of cayenne pepper in an emergency.

Huh.

Either way, aim for the peepers.

It's hard to reach.

And I'm not sure it has to be a maple branch

from Maple Street but...

Why take chances?

I get it.

No point in taking unnecessary risks.

Shit!

Oh, wow.

You okay?

Got it.

This one.

No.

It's definitely fake.

No, that was an anniversary gift

from my first serious boyfriend.

He worked a lot of double shifts to buy it.

That's real.

Silver doesn't stick to magnet.

Screw you, Jason.

And I've got some bad news for your mom

about some of the silver she's borrowing.

That's part of a ruse.

We're the ones using the silver.

Oh, right.

I'm amazing that you've kept this a secret for this long

because you are a terrible liar.

Well, if you're trying to be a force for good,

it's probably better to be a bad liar, yes?

Probably so.

- Shit. - Whoa.

Are you hurt?

Oh, shit.

No, no, I'm fine.

Roger, we cannot call the police.

No, no, we can not.

Oh my God, there is a witness and maybe security footage

of us assaulting an officer.

Wait, hold on, I have money.

Maybe we can just pay him off.

Maybe there's no damage.

I feel like jumping straight to a bribe may seem suspicious.

Just let me talk to him.

Should I say something?

Oh, please don't.

Oh, boy.

Hey.

So sorry about this.

I was changing stations on the radio,

wasn't paying attention.

I feel so stupid.

You know, I'm glad that you're not hurt

and honestly, this doesn't look that bad.

I guess we should contact insurance companies.

You know, I don't even know if we need to.

I think that will buff right out.

You can't buff out a dent.

Oh no, but I can hit it with a plunger and hot water.

I don't want you to have to go through all that trouble.

Oh no, it's no trouble.

I just grab it from next to the old turd spoon and...

What?

Don't worry about it.

And this.

Don't worry about this either.

I was actually about to say,

and this is going to sound like a total lie,

but earlier tonight I lost my I.D. and my phone,

so I don't really have it.

Oh no, I'm sorry...

Wait, in a bag?

Sorry?

Did you lost a bag too?

Yeah, I did.

What's your name?

Jim, Jim Walters.

This is amazing.

I found your bag earlier.

Imagine that.

Yeah.

Wait here, I'll go grab it for you real quick.

How much does he want?

No, it's gonna be fine.

I accidentally mentioned the turd spoon again

but other than that...

So what's the game plan?

Will you hand me that bag in the floorboards?

There is?

How?

Yeah, that belongs to this guy.

I found it earlier tonight.

It's his.

Wait, you found that guy's bag

and then he hits you with his car?

Ha, small world.

Yeah, turns out doing a good deed never hurt anybody.

Emerson!

Oh!

Oh no.

You awake?

Kind of.

Good.

Keep it that way.

You're way susceptible to possession

in a weakened mental state.

Then get us out of here.

That's what I'm doing.

What's happening?

We're getting the hell out of dodge.

Okay, put the car in park.

No.

We need distance.

That's my concern too.

Just stop and move over, okay?

You sure you're okay to drive?

I can get us out of here fast enough

that he can't catch us on foot, come on!

Okay.

Oh.

Why didn't you use the door?

Because we're in a hurry!

Seatbelt!

Wow, this is faster.

Thanks, man.

Cedar?

No, juniper.

So you can't drive.

We had drivers.

My dad owned a lot of very flashy cars

that he liked to drive but he wouldn't let me

anywhere near them.

Hmmm.

If we survive this, maybe I'll teach you.

Well that's a lovely gesture

but I bet will never happen because we don't have time.

Bye the way, are you sure you feel okay?

I absolutely do not feel okay.

But I'm good to drive, I'm a great driver.

Oh, yeah, you really are.

Just wish you were a better judge of character.

I should've stayed in the car, that's what I'm best at.

Oh, you're really good at that too.

I know.

Is that a cedar tree?

No, that's pretty clearly an oak.

Clearly.

Did I strike a nerve?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Are...

Are you apologizing or are you mimicking me?

No, I'm apologizing.

There is no reason for me to get snippy with you

just because I'm mad at myself.

Listen, that was a completely understandable error.

In a normal situation, you did the right thing.

Usually when I mess up,

I'm not risking demon infestation on a massive scale.

I was really just trying to compliment your driving.

I'm not a big fan of comedy but,

hey, if you're as good at that as you are with this,

you're gonna be a massive success.

I'm not a comedian.

You said you were.

No, I want to be.

I have a set, I practice it.

And when I finish a shift, I go to a comedy club

and I chicken out

and I sit in the car and practice some more.

Well, there's no shame in wanting to be polished.

No, that's not it.

I'm good at driving without trying.

I don't have to work on it.

Anything other than that scares me.

You know, even when I was fighting my ex girlfriend

and I knew that she was at home

waiting to finish an argument,

I'd drive.

And then I'd sit out in the car

and wait for the lights to go out.

That's natural to want to avoid conflict.

And then when I do get out of the car,

I nearly get us killed by a demon,

for lack of a better term.

That's a pretty clear indicator to stay in my lane,

so to speak.

I'm a driver.

Cedar.

I've always been rich.

All my investments are always right.

My financial gambles always pay off.

Congratulations, that sounds really nice.

To a certain extent, it's pretty great.

I mean, the perks are, they're kinda fabulous, but,

you know, there's not a lot of satisfaction in it.

In fact, figuring out and researching

how to banish these things is the first real challenge

I've ever encountered.

I'm sorry.

No, no, don't be, I mean, that's the thing.

It feels like nothing I've ever experienced

when I have my victories.

I think that's why I stuck with it for so long.

I mean,

yeah, it's safer to stay in the car

but really the purpose of the car

is to transport you to the next place where you wanna go.

And where's that?

I need to go to Oak Lane.

We're going back to Oak Lane.

Okay?

Okay.

What's the worst case scenario here?

They found the talisman, they destroyed it, they kill me.

Possibly you as well.

Okay, that's a bad one.

What's the best case?

I dropped it in the grass, nobody's been back here since.

I find it, I easily summon the hero.

From the mists of time.

Do we think this guy is actually gonna travel through time?

That is not the most unlikely thing

to happen in this world.

True.

Hey.

What should I do?

I know it's gonna sound hypocritical

considering out earlier conversation

but I need you to stay in the car.

And that's it?

That's it.

Be ready to get out of here quickly.

Don't trust anyone.

Okay, but how long should I wait before I check?

Emerson,

I will be fine.

Wait.

Maybe we should work out some kind of signal

in case things go wrong.

Okay, that is silly and superfluous.

Aw, well that takes me back to earlier tonight.

Work on your comedy.

Shit.

Start the car!

No!

Not really.

Go!

Run!

Silly and superfluous?

Don't you wish that we had worked out

some kind of signal now?

I can't believe I've hit two people with a tire iron.

No, no, no, no, no.

No!

What is it, are you okay?

Shit, how do we test to see if someone is possessed?

We need to figure out a way to test that on each other

just in case.

Emerson, stop.

What is it, are you hurt?

No, I'm, it doesn't matter.

Of course it matters.

No, Miss Graham, it doesn't matter if I'm fine

because this isn't.

What is that?

This was a talisman forged to protect the earth

from invading evil.

But now, it isn't anything.

It's absolutely nothing!

What happened?

My driver hit it with a tire iron!

I can't believe I spent all this time

worrying about demons, for lack of a better term,

when it turns out that you

are the biggest threat to my mission!

Whoa, wait a second.

Wait!

Hey!

That's a novel idea.

I wish somebody had thought of that beforehand.

Roger.

Oh, hold on, somebody did.

Me.

I asked you to wait in the car!

Yeah but I had to do something.

I mean, they could've killed you.

They could've possessed you.

Which, to be honest, I haven't ruled out right now.

I was doing fine!

I was sneaking out the back door

when you thought it would be a great idea to honk!

They had spotted you.

I thought I needed to...

Don't you think I had planned for that inevitability?

I changed my entire plan so you would be safe!

That has got to be the stupidest thing

anyone in my family has ever done

since opening this portal to this stupid hell world!

Okay.

I was just trying to help.

I know you said to wait.

I thought that you meant...

Then let me be clearer.

I am on a mission.

You work for me.

Yeah, yeah, I know but...

So,

when I ask you to sit in the car,

pretend like we're sitting in front of a comedy club.

Hey.

Or in front of a house of somebody you owe an apology to

but you're too lazy or scared to face.

You sit behind the wheel

and you do nothing.

I thought the purpose of a car was to get us

where we needed to be.

Emerson,

your purpose is to get me where I need to be.

And I need to find a pine tree

on Pine Drive.

Passengers need to ride in the back, sir.

Would you please roll down the back window?

I'm getting a headache.

Yeah, must be going around.

I need to get to North Gate Cemetery.

Then we'll be done.

At least you will be.

Great.

It isn't clear whether I'm supposed to be

at the site of the old cemetery

or the center of the current one but

maybe it isn't specific.

Always good to keep things open.

Listen, about what I said.

Oh, message received.

What I meant was I...

You know, for someone who wants to break the curse

that brought them wealth and power,

you are really good at being the guy with money

talking down to somebody.

Emerson?

I get it.

I work for you, I'm a driver.

You're as important of this as I am.

Yeah, because you happened to get in my car.

No.

Listen, I lashed out at you and that's not fair but

you're almost as important to this as the talisman.

You're an essential part of this.

So what're you saying?

You couldn't have done this without me?

Someone was always meant to ferry me home.

"The farrier will show the way."

It's right there, in the book.

I'm sorry, what?

"The farrier will show the way."

It's part of the instructions on how to break the curse.

A or an E?

I don't understand.

Farrier, with an A or an E.

Uh, A.

Does it matter?

Uh.

I don't wanna come across like I'm talking down to you

but we have a time limit.

Sure.

Did you want me to swing by a stable?

You lost me.

A stable?

So that I can put some shoes on horses

because that's what a farrier with an A does.

No, farrier, like a ferryman.

I know that's not exactly what you are

but I don't expect the language of the book

to change the names of the occupations.

No, trust me, a farrier puts shoes on horses.

It's not a common occupation but it's definitely a thing

and it is worth several points in "Word Wars."

Didn't you grow up wealthy?

Did you have horses?

Who put the shoes on them?

Our groom scheduled that.

Oh my God.

Look, the important thing here is...

You're wrong.

You are so wrong that I don't even know

what we're doing anymore.

This whole thing was sunk before I ever smashed

your stupid amulet.

Talisman.

Trying to help you

and all because you couldn't look up a word?

Oh, you have no idea how many words I looked up

to make sure I got this thing right

and that's after I translated it from Middle English.

I have spent years of my life

trying to rid the world of these things.

Yeah.

About that.

Go on.

You're great grandfather...

Great, great.

Unleashed who knows how many demons.

For lack of a better term.

You know what, let's leave the better terms to me

from here on out, okay?

And until tonight, they have never been a problem for me.

What're you suggesting?

Maybe they just wanna live and let live.

Maybe the only reason that they keep attacking us

is because you keep attacking them.

You just back right off.

What evidence do you have?

Even you say they're not really demons.

Have you never wondered why there are so many

unsolved murders in such a small town?

Hmmm, all the discord, all the ill will.

What do you think is generating all that?

And if it's not that,

then do you think it's fair

to all these people they're inhabiting?

These people had lives.

These people have loved ones

who don't even know they're gone.

People suck, Roger.

That's something that you learn really quickly

on this side of the service industry.

People are mean and they are pushy

and judgmental and wrong.

You are wrong.

You are wrong about your instructions,

you were definitely wrong about me.

Maybe you were wrong about them.

Well if you are willing to jeopardize this quest

because I bruised your ego,

then I think this might be the end of the line for me.

Sounds reasonable.

Would you turn off the damn safety locks?

Thank you for riding with Ferry.

We encourage feedback

to help improve your customer experience.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Good luck.

Of course.

Of course.

Hey, Em.

Jess.

I was just visiting with Grace while I was in town.

Yeah, she said.

You okay?

Oh, you know, just getting used to the new city.

You wouldn't believe the singles scene there.

Okay.

I just meant are you okay to drive.

You seem a little wobbly.

Oh, Grace and I just got into some whiskey.

I hope you aren't needing a drink tonight.

God, should I get a replacement bottle?

No, no, it's fine.

Anyway, I was just gonna get a taxi.

I normally do Ferry

but, you know, I wouldn't want to risk an awkward encounter.

Yeah, that'd be a shame.

Well, cool, get to your mom's place safe.

No, Jess, cancel the cab I can drive you.

Come on.

It smells like a hippy's attic in here.

Do customers never complain about it?

You have no idea.

So.

So?

Gracie said you were with a really nervous man earlier.

Kept insisting he was a customer

but was being weird about it.

Thanks, Grace.

No, it's fine.

You don't have to be sneaky if you're on a date.

We aren't together anymore.

No, we're not.

So you can stop needling me like I'm doing something wrong.

Wow, okay.

I'm just saying it's great that you moved on so quickly.

No you're not, Jess.

You're trying to make me feel bad

about not even being on a date.

He was a passenger that was nice enough

to let me run an errand while he was in the car.

There isn't a man, there never was.

But you know what?

You broke up with me.

So, even if there is a man,

you don't get to be mad about it.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

It's obviously not, Em.

Are you seriously arguing with me

about whether or not we're having an argument?

I guess I'm just making up for lost time.

I feel like I saw you for about two hours

for the whole last month that we were dating.

Yeah, I was spending a lot of time in the car then

because I wanted to be with you, not fight with you.

Well that's not what it felt like.

What are you talking about?

Do we need to get you a coffee?

It felt like you didn't want to fight to be with me.

What the fuck, Em?

Shit.

I am so sorry.

I thought that maybe.

I, it's...

Sorry, you were saying?

Did you suffer a blow to the head?

Well, actually, it's not important, I'm fine.

Sorry.

I was saying...

Look, I know I'm not the most secure in a relationship

but sometimes it felt like you would

sit in your car all night instead of deal with your issues.

My issues?

Our issues.

Ours.

Both of ours.

I don't think you know how passive you can be sometimes

but eventually I figured out that our relationship

was like your comedy.

It was something you were just going to try to wait out

and hope it turned out okay.

I know I initiated the breakup

but I'm not the only one responsible

for the end of our relationship.

You need a partner that you're willing

to get out of the car and have the fight for.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

This was a new blouse.

No.

Well, I'm sorry about that too, I just...

I'm really sorry if I didn't make you feel valued.

I appreciate it.

So are you settling into the new place okay?

You don't miss glamorous small town life?

Small town inconvenienced in city sized crime rates?

No, not really.

Besides, I got to visit my Uncle Sean's farm last weekend

for the first time in forever

and I am set on rural life for awhile.

Not a country girl, huh?

I don't see how anyone is.

It's like 14 full-time jobs worth of work.

And have you ever helped put a shoe on a horse?

I have.

It's awful.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Just so you know, they will try to kick you

and poop on you.

Well, I mean they don't try to do that.

It's just something that happens.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

I know, so gross.

Listen, this is gonna sound insane

but I need to try something.

Can you tell me how to get to North Gate Cemetery from here?

The new one or the one that they paved over?

The old one.

Em, you know where it is.

You've lived here longer than I have.

Just humor me.

Well, if we're near Mom's,

then it's straight back that way.

Thank you.

So this is gonna seem like I'm being really mean and petty

but is it okay if I drop you off here?

Are you joking?

We're like a block away.

Exactly, so it's not a very long walk.

You are unbelievable.

Please trust me that it's really, really important.

I thought we were finally getting to a good place

and now you're just being...

Jess.

We were not a great fit

and we were probably always doomed to fail

but just so you know,

I loved you and you were a huge part of my life

and I am sorry if I let you down

by making you feel otherwise while we were together.

Okay?

But I have to go.

I don't know what to say.

Well, Ferry welcomes feedback so we can

continue to improve your customer experience.

Okay, come on.

Roger!

I'm really glad you came.

I had to get directions from a farrier.

What?

Sort of, I'm hoping between the two of us

it counts for something.

Let's get you to your cemetery.

We're in a cemetery.

Maybe not the one that you need.

Oh.

All right, what do we need to pull these things

back through the portal and seal it off?

We need the branches of the five trees.

Right, right, right.

Blood of a host.

Pardon?

Blood from one of the bodies that housed them.

I got that at one of the first stops.

Hey, you said that you didn't...

I didn't kill anybody.

The instructions don't give

a certain amount of blood you need.

I didn't see any need to apply lethal force.

Okay, and?

Summoner's finger.

Ew!

Yeah, tell me about it.

It's not pleasant work.

Trust me, grave robbing the family crypt,

not my idea of a good time.

So that's your great, great grandfather's...

Finger, right.

I hope they don't need a specific one.

Okay, anything else?

Well,

in a perfect world we'd use the talisman

to summon a hero through the mists of time

to keep the demons at bay.

I'm sorry!

But since we don't,

speed is our ally.

I really appreciate you coming back to get me.

I can't imagine anybody else being my farrier.

Ferryman.

And you're welcome.

Though I did consider stealing the big bag of cash

you left in my back.

Oh crap.

Thanks for not doing that.

In the spirit of honesty,

I think I should apologize to you

for the scathing review I left you.

Really?

I will try to delete it.

I made it in a moment of anger.

You are easily a four star driver.

Four?

Well, your vehicle still does have an overpowering odor.

Oh, for...

This is the original site.

Are you sure?

Oh, trust me.

It was a huge ordeal

when they first started clearing it out.

Bodies for days.

Now, some people got really up in arms about

erasing town history

but some people were really insistent about relocating.

Oh, I bet they were.

It was demons trying to cover their tracks.

For lack of a better term.

Okay.

Now, listen.

A lot of those demons, for lack of a better term,

caught up with me at the last graveyard.

However, there's a strong possibility

that some of them are waiting for me.

So I need you to be safe and stay in the car.

But what if they get to you?

Well, then we better hope the rest of my bastard cousins

all died in some tragic, yet unavoidable accidents

prior to today and the curse dies with me.

I don't think these demons

are being all that careful right now.

If that happens, you take the bag and all the money in it

and you get out of town.

If you happen to live for another 110 years,

then you come back here and you try to finish this off.

I know, that's a long time to live with

my great, great grandfather's finger bone

but, all things considered.

Oh, and about the bag, you gotta...

No!

Shit!

No, no, no!

Get out!

Open this!

Now!

Open up!

You can stop.

The talisman in pieces is useless.

As is this.

Helping him was a fool's errand.

He's an ineffective little man who was doomed to fail.

And why not?

We held up our end of the bargain!

You said it yourself.

We don't disturb much.

You said that your life

has been more disrupted by him than by us.

So why don't you open the door,

I'll get rid of that silly little circle

and you head on home with all the money in that bag?

Hmm?

You've earned it, don't you think?

You're worried about people getting hurt if you help us?

You need to be worried

about people getting hurt if you don't.

No, don't touch her.

Her?

Her?

I'm gonna kill this man

unless you want to help prevent it.

See?

We aren't unreasonable.

Through the mists of thyme!

Sorry in advance, Roger!

So fucking gross!

Gross.

Ugh.

Gross, gross, gross.

My blood can't be the nastiest thing you've touched today.

Remember, I know about the spoon.

I'm so glad you're okay.

Okay's a relative term.

Took a pretty nasty blow to the head.

And my nose.

Well you did leave me a pretty nasty review

on my company page.

I'm not sure slugging me was the best way to address it.

Ugh.

So what happens now?

Well, I burned the book.

I go home and I wait to see if I lose everything.

If I do,

I'll figure out what to do now.

I'm kinda making this up as I go.

All right, where to?

The hotel.

I only have one friend in town and from what I've heard,

her place isn't the nicest.

Well.

Thanks for everything.

Sincerely.

I don't even think a talisman

could've brought me a better hero than you.

I'm glad you knew when to get out of the car.

You know, you should do it more often.

If a horde of demons doesn't scare you,

nothing should.

I have a hard time relating to people

that want to show me the cool, historic things

that are unique to their home

because I don't really have anything like that.

I mean, I do, but it's not something

I feel like I can brag about.

I can't lead people to my bathroom and say,

this is where I keep my authentic mid-aughts turd spoon.

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