Original subtitles

All our lives, people have been telling us, "Don't."

"Don't curse."

"Don't play in traffic."

"Don't eat gas‐station sushi."

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughs ]

Isn't it time for people to be rewarded

not for what they do...

This is one million on the spicy scale.

...but for what they don't do?

Here's that lemonade. It's still here.

Don't drink!

And shouldn't those rewards come in the form

of fun challenges

Aaaaah! with flawed internal logic?

Alright. If you answered "Yes",

you're both correct

and talking out loud to your TV. [ Chuckles ]

You're fine. Really.

If these families can do the thing

that they've always been told not to do,

they'll take home a frankly staggering amount of money.

[ Cheers and applause ] Adam: You guys did it.

And who am I? The Don't Master.

The antihero in the Don't Cinematic Universe.

[ Groans ] Really?

You won't see me.

I'm just a voice, like the Wizard of Oz.

Very important, but not physically present

or emotionally invested in this family's journey at all.

The guy you will see is him.

Man: Adam, we're ready for you on set.

He's our host, Adam Scott.

Alright, do not look at the wrong camera.

Thank you. Don't look at the wrong camera.

Don't look at the wrong camera.

Don't look at the wrong camera. Don't look at the wrong camera.

Don't look at the wrong camera.

Don't look at the wrong camera.

Don't look at the wrong camera.

Hey, everyone. I'm your host, Adam Scott,

and it's time to play "Don't."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yes!

Adam Scott, ladies and gentlemen.

We're in good hands.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome, everybody.

Tonight, one family has the chance

to go home with $100,000...

[ Cheers and applause ]

...for simply not doing things,

and I have the chance to go home with a new best friend.

Let's meet my new best‐friend candidates.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright, everybody, say hello to the Riley family.

[ Cheers and applause ]

This is Lisa.

She works as a court reporter in Staten Island,

but her real passion is interrupting her husband, David.

David, luckily, lives for the drama.

He's the straw that stirs the drink.

He wants to win the money to take Lisa on a Hawaiian cruise,

along with his sister‐in‐law Jaime,

a nurse who will always stick by her sister

and is literally a life‐saver,

just like fireman Giuseppe.

He's David's cousin, and if they win enough,

he would be the fourth wheel on a very noisy cruise.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Where are you guys from?

Brooklyn. You're from Brooklyn?

Where in Brooklyn? Bensonhurst.

Man: Brooklyn! Brooklyn!

Riley Family: Whoo!

We've got a very big fan of Brooklyn in the audience. Lisa: Yeah!

He knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy.

There you go.

I got a guy. He's got a guy, too.

So, you guys all grew up together?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

100%. Oh, yeah.

Are playing games around the house

something you grew up doing?

Always. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Is there anyone here

who tends to excel in...

Thank you. Me.

I excel. Okay.

[ Laughter ] Thank you. Thanks.

Okay. And is it true that the four of you

walked directly out of a Martin Scorsese movie

onto this set? Correct.

Called "DumbFellas."

Oh, okay. Okay. Great.

"DumbFellas" ‐‐ rated D for Dumb.

Do you have any questions?

‐No. No. No. ‐No questions?

See, I feel like I would have so many questions right now.

Okay, are you guys ready for your first challenge?

‐Yes. ‐Yes.

Alright.

We need to pick someone

who will represent the group up there ‐‐ a brave soul.

David sounds good.

David?

Why not? Let's go. I'll go first. Sure.

Great. David, you are up.

Let's play "Don't Get Tired."

♪♪

Adam: This challenge isn't to avoid sleep,

but to avoid being hit in the face with a tire.

Four massive tires are placed on top of four lanes.

Three of you are asked a quiz question

with four possible answers,

while one of you stands in the lane of the answer given.

If the answer's right, the tires drop and miss you,

earning you $5,000.

If the answer's wrong,

the only thing you'll earn is a face full of rubber.

This game brought to you by Tirestone,

a fake brand invented to avoid a lawsuit.

[ Cheers and applause ]

How are you guys feeling?

Lisa, your husband is up there. Not good. Not good.

If you're depending on me as a lifeline, you're done.

Oh. Not me.

I think what Lisa is saying ‐‐ you just cannot depend on her.

Right. So, I think that's the gist here.

Dependless. That was in our vows.

Okay. That's it. Done.

Question number one.

One of tonight's contestants is a Flat‐Earther.

See if you can guess which one.

What?

Not gonna be Maine. It's not gonna be Alaska.

I couldn't tell you. I can't.

Lisa has already given up, David.

I'm expressing it.

‐Yeah. Yeah. ‐I don't know.

I don't know nothing.

I say Florida.

Florida. Adam: Okay.

A for Florida. Lisa: He knows. He knows.

Alright! Come on! Alright!

David, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling like I'm gonna get a face full of rubber.

Well, remember, if your family answered correctly,

three tires will descend,

but they'll miss you, and you'll win $5,000.

Oh, my God. Come on, David!

But if they're wrong, yes,

you're gonna get a face full of rubber.

Alright, David, don't get tired.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Gas hisses ]

Jaime: Oh, no!

[ Siren swells ]

[ Groans ]

Aaah!

Aw, that hurt.

If you guessed the Flat‐Earther was Giuseppe ‐‐

well, everyone guessed Giuseppe ‐‐

but it's actually Jaime.

It's always the quiet ones.

Okay, the correct answer is "B" ‐‐ Maine.

Maine is closest to Africa.

Jaime. ‐Go get them, Jaime!

Oh. Jaime. Jaime girl!

Adam: Alright, let's see if we can put some money on the board.

Let's do it! For $5,000, question number two.

Lisa: Come on.

Come on, guys.

I think he's the 47th.

We don't know. I'm not confident.

‐I think 44, right? ‐I'll say 44 if he's saying it.

Alright, we're gonna go with 44.

‐44? ‐Yeah.

Jaime, how do you feel about this answer? 44.

I feel like I have no idea.

Money in the bank, J!

For $5,000, "C" ‐‐ 44.

Alright.

Pray for me, guys.

[ Gas hisses ]

Sorry, Jaime.

[ Siren swells ]

Yeah! Yeah!

[ Screams ]

[ Ding ]

We got numbers on the board, everybody.

‐You did it! You did it! ‐Okay.

You did it!

Somewhere, a monster truck is sitting on cinder blocks.

Okay, so, that is $5,000 you guys just won.

Let's go for another $5,000.

Lisa, you are next.

David, you can save your wife

from getting run over or ‐‐ or not.

He's not gonna save me.

Better get it right. I can't go down.

I'm not a graceful faller.

Stop putting that pressure on me, please.

You have $15,000 that is within your grasp.

Let's give it a shot. For $5,000...

What?

The difficulty of these questions

is all over the place.

This isn't good.

I know ampersand is the "and" symbol.

‐It's like quadrants. ‐You're thinking...

I'm thinking "B."

‐I say we go with "B." ‐I say "B."

We are saying it's "B" ‐‐ quadrone.

They don't know. They know nothing.

Lisa, you were just saying they know nothing.

They know nothing. I'm not confident.

Are youse like 100% sure?

David says the quiet part out loud in three, two...

Is $5,000 worth seeing you get hit by a tire?

I mean...

Get out of here.

It's a lateral move, is what you're saying.

Right. Yeah.

The technical name for a hashtag ‐‐

we are saying it's "B" ‐‐ quadrone.

So, we need to stand on "B," Lisa.

Oh, dear Lord. This isn't good. Stand on "B."

Oh, no. I'm in a cold sweat.

I'm in a hot sweat. Come on. Let's go.

Adam: "B" ‐‐ quadrone. Let's see how we do.

[ Gas hisses ]

[ Screams ]

[ Siren swells ]

[ Screams ] Ohh!

Come on!

Adam: The technical name for a hashtag ‐‐

it's actually A ‐‐ octothorpe.

So, you can go to "octothorpe don't"

and chime in on...

No one's gonna do that. Okay.

Let's go for another $5,000. Giuseppe.

[ Cheers and applause ]

‐Yes. ‐GP!

There you go.

You're an old hand at this.

[ House music playing ]

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

David: GP!

[ Air horns blare ]

♪♪

[ Applause, laughter ]

Okay, for another $5,000,

here's question number four.

...what?

...his ex‐girlfriend's house?

A very special "Don't" hello

to our viewers watching from their ex‐girlfriend's house.

♪♪

I'm gonna say his hospital room. That's my opinion.

Lisa: Youse is saying hospital room.

I don't know why I feel like it's an ex‐girlfriend.

Like, maybe he was depressed. ‐He did cut off his ear

and send it to his girlfriend, right? His ex‐girlfriend?

Did he? Wow. That was a serious relationship.

[ Laughter ] I changed my mind.

I'm gonna say ex‐girlfriend's.

Okay. So, if he does not get knocked over,

that is another $5,000.

You know what? I changed my mind.

I'm gonna say hospital room. Let's just go hospital room.

‐Hospital room. ‐Hospital room!

Hospital room is "B."

Giuseppe, how do you feel about this answer?

I feel like I'm ready to catch a beating.

Okay. If it is not hospital room, you know what happens.

Giuseppe, don't get tired.

[ Gas hisses ] Aah!

"B"!

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Air horns blare ]

[ Screaming ]

Congrats to the Riley family.

You have flattened yourselves into America's hearts,

managing to earn $10,000 along the way.

[ Screaming ] Pew, pew, pew! Pew, pew, pew, pew!

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

Nothing to sneeze at! Nothing to sneeze at!

Let's see what is up next for the Rileys.

Wow.

On tonight's very special episode of "Don't"...

Say no.

...David gets in trouble

when he takes food from a stranger...

Shut the [bleep] up.

...Lisa realizes her words can hurt people...

[ Whimpers ] ...Giuseppe learns

a valuable lesson about bullying,

and Jaime ‐‐ Jaime teaches everyone

what bringing a smile every day

can do for the world.

Man: Alright, we're back from break. I need Adam to the stage.

Can I hear that one again?

[ "Wheel of Fortune" bell chimes ]

No, it's too nostalgic.

Right.

Try that.

[ Dramatic music sting ]

Let me hear that one again.

[ Dramatic music sting ]

It's perfect.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Riley family, you are going home so far with $10,000.

Yeah! [ Dramatic music sting ]

What the hell was that?

[ Cheers and applause ]

10,000 big ones.

Good for us.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

When I say "big ones," I'm referring to dollars.

[ Chuckles ]

So, as much as fun as I had watching those tires

take you guys out, I really do feel bad.

So, for this next game, I'm just gonna go ahead ‐‐

I'm just gonna give you $20,000.

[ Dramatic music sting ]

"Don't" ‐‐ the show where rules don't matter.

But the catch is that in order to keep the $20,000,

all you have to...don't

is the one thing the average person does

like 14,000 times a day.

Eat. Any guesses about ‐‐

Eat. Eat. 14,000?

Who are you to judge? You don't know.

Fine. No. That makes sense.

Blink? It is blink.

Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah!

‐Knew it all along! ‐Knew why I brought you here!

You got that right. You were very happy about it.

Yeah. And you did a little male ritual.

‐Yeah. ‐He's my cheerleader.

That was terrific. Let's play "Don't Blink."

Adam: Blinking ‐‐ you do it all day without thinking,

but the challenge for this game

is to not do it at all for a whole 60 seconds,

or, the technical term, one minute.

You'll start this game with a whopping $20,000,

but if you shut your eyes, it'll cost you $500 every time.

"Don't Blink."

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Sorry.

Over there, we have something called the Don't Push Button.

It's a special feature that will appear in every show.

And before you run over there and just start pushing it,

let's hear a little bit about the Don't Push Button.

[ Angelic music playing ]

The Don't Push Button

comes from a family of Don't Push Buttons.

His father was a world‐renowned heart surgeon.

Despite his family's objections,

the Don't Push Button pursued his dreams

of Hollywood stardom.

He auditioned and struggled for years,

until finally landing this incredible role.

But every show, he leaves a seat open

for his dear old dad, always hoping to look up

and see him there,

watching, proud.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, I hope that seat gets filled tonight.

It's fascinating stuff.

Okay, so, just to be sure,

if you do push the button and you finish the game perfectly,

it doubles your winnings.

Oh, dear Lord.

This is the section that cheers for anything.

But if you push the button

and you don't finish the game perfectly,

whatever it is you win during that game are cut in half.

I don't know.

‐Alright? ‐Whoa.

Are you guys big blinkers?

I like keeping my eyes moist. Sure.

You like keeping them moist? I do, too.

We have that in common. Yeah.

So, do you want to push the Don't Push Button

for "Don't Blink"?

‐Can we talk about it? ‐Yeah, go ahead.

Youse decide. Youse do it. I can't.

"Youse" is vernacular,

indigenous to the region of Staten Island, New York.

I think we should probably hold off

to maybe see if something easier comes along.

I think we're not gonna push it this round.

We are not pushing the Don't Push Button right now,

so let's get in our last blinks, Riley family,

and take your places, everybody.

Here we go.

Three, two, one,

don't blink.

[ Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" plays ]

That's right.

"Eye of the Tiger."

You see what we did there?

Adam: That's a blink. That's a round‐trip flight

to Hawaii or anywhere of your choosing,

but gone.

Okay, Jaime's not blinked yet.

I think she's got some sort

of blinking superpowers or something.

♪♪

[ Whimpers ]

Mildly concerned by the noise Giuseppe just made.

You're down to $17,500.

Come on.

Guys, I just blinked,

and honestly, it feels great.

You're down to $16,000.

Come on. Where's the clock?

David: Fix that clock.

♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪

Wow. Jaime has still not blinked.

I hope she's still breathing.

Should we check?

♪ ...challenge of our rival ♪

♪ And the last known survivor... ♪

David is doing pretty well.

10 seconds to go.

Seven, six...

All: Five, four, three, two, one.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Not a one. Not a one.

Cute points to David for rubbing his eyes like a baby.

‐I did horrible. ‐Great job, guys.

You only blinked 15 times in one minute,

between the four of you... ‐Not bad!

...earning you $12,500 for that round... Not bad!

...and a total of $22,500.

[ Dramatic music sting ]

Holy cannoli.

Okay, now that we've got all that straight,

let's play another game that could bring you

one step closer to don't‐ing your way to six figures.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You guys are foodies, right? You're big eaters.

Says who? Who told you that?

No, I'm kidding. Yeah.

I‐I read it somewhere.

Absolutely. Big Italian family. What do you think?

Who's, like, the spicy food lover?

Not lover, but I can handle it.

Well, that is about to come in handy

because it's time to play "Don't Drink."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Adam: Everybody eats, everybody drinks,

and everybody poops,

but in this game, the object is to eat but not drink,

and also, don't poop.

One of you will be offered

some of the hottest foods on the planet

while walking on a treadmill under a heat lamp.

A series of refreshing drinks are offered

to put out the fire.

Each time you don't drink, you'll win $4,000.

Complete the challenge without drinking anything,

and you'll win 20 grand.

"Don't Drink."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright, guys, because you didn't use it in the last round,

you have the opportunity to hit the Don't Push Button.

It's a risk because if you don't play the game perfectly,

your earnings will be cut in half.

Whoa!

But if you do complete the challenge,

that could double the bank on just this game to $40,000.

Yeah, baby! Whoo!

If we're being honest, it's much lower after taxes.

What do you guys think? Should I do it?

‐Yeah. ‐Should he do it?

What's the reading on the Peer Pressure Meter?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Push the button! Let's do it! Here she goes.

We're actually pushing the button, guys.

[ Screams ]

Okay.

They did it.

Go hard or go home!

It's a moment of triumph for the Rileys,

but a moment of quiet tragedy for the Don't Push Button.

Alas, his father was not here

to see his Hollywood debut.

[ Audience "awws" ]

Now, remember, you could win $40,000

or what you do win will be cut in half.

Don't want to think like that, Adam.

Okay. Alright. Listen, I have to say it.

I understand.

He does have to say it. Legally.

Okay, David, are you ready?

Yes, sir.

Don't drink.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay, so, I've got this piece of pizza here,

and it has a jalapeño pepper on top of it.

Adam Scott ‐‐ terrible at toppings.

This jalapeño pepper has what's called a Scoville rating

of 5,000 on the spicy scale.

Have you ever had one of these?

I've not. No.

Have you ever been on a treadmill before?

[ Laughter ]

Uh...it's been a while.

Why don't you take that pepper there?

And you eat the whole thing...

Lisa: Down it in one bite, David.

...you've got yourself $4,000.

It's gonna be a minute of your life of suffering.

Says the person doing absolutely nothing.

[ Crunch ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Are you feeling the spice? Are you actually feeling it?

No. It's like a walk in the p‐‐ Yeah, I'm feeling the spice.

It hurts. Alright.

Remember, you have to eat the whole jalapeño.

Okay. Don't think of what you're eating. Just concentrate.

[ Crunch ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Swallow, don't chew. Swallow, don't chew.

"I told you this would help get your mind off Jeremy."

Swallow, don't chew. So far, so good.

Okay, David, that's only the first part of the challenge.

Oh, my God.

David was devastated.

He thought he had won by eating

and not drinking the jalapeño.

Now that you've finished that...

Put that away! Look at the floor!

...there is an ice‐cold glass of water.

Don't look at it.

It'll lessen the pain, but to win $4,000,

you have to not drink it.

Will you drink the water?

No water.

That's $4,000.

Yeah! Go, go!

David, four more! You got this, David. Four more.

Okay, you passed the first test.

Now let's see the next item.

Now, this...

is a beautiful...

What is that?

...bouquet of Thai peppers.

Fun fact ‐‐ in Thailand, they're just called peppers.

These guys are 100,000 on the spicy scale.

I'd like you to eat two of these bad boys.

Green. Jaime: Same time, Dave.

At the same time, David.

Swallow! Swallow! Don't chew!

[ Audience cheering ]

Are you going to eat the chilies?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, David! You got it!

Swallow it, don't chew it!

$40,000! Yeah!

Oh, David, your eyes look like they're getting

a little watery.

Are you okay?

I'm overwhelmed by being this close to you.

Okay. I get it.

[ Laughter, applause ]

Here we have a nice, cold glass of lemonade.

There's nothing like it.

♪♪

Now, how about this heat lamp behind you, David?

Are you feeling that?

What heat lamp? Yeah, exactly.

See? That's the right attitude, but it is pretty hot.

[ Bird shrieks ]

[ Ding! ]

And you are starting to sweat on the back of your neck.

A little bit.

What would you say is more difficult ‐‐

the pepper or the treadmill at this point?

They're both working against me, Adam, to be perfectly honest.

♪♪

When we come back, defiance...

No!

...anger...

Get the [bleep] out of here.

...and milk.

You know, we're the only animals that do this.

We drink another species' milk.

It's really, really gross when you think about it.

Adam: Before the break, David ate two very hot Thai chili peppers...

Go! Go! Go!

...and I offered him a solution to take away the pain.

Here, we have a nice, cold glass of lemonade.

There's nothing like it.

Adam: But if David takes a sip,

it will also take away most of his winnings.

No, no, no, no!

Will David drink the lemonade?

No. Say no.

Will Lisa keep yelling at David?

Yeah! Yeah! Get 'em, David! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Will I stop asking questions and just let the game continue?

♪♪

Yeah.

Here's that lemonade. Say no.

[ Coughs ]

You got this, David. 40‐[bleep]‐thousand dollars.

You got this [bleep]

♪♪

I need the 40 grand more than you do.

No lemonade. No lemonade.

No way!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

That's another $4,000, by the way,

that you just earned.

I'll take it!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Guys, one of my favorite holidays

has always been Cinco de Mayo.

[ Coughs ] Oh, [bleep]

Cinco de Mayo happens every year around the 5th of May.

So, there's nothing that I love more

on Cinco de Mayo than a little chips and guac.

That's not regular guac, is it?

You know what?

This is pure wasabi.

[ Audience groans ]

Come on!

Pure wasabi

is about twice the intensity of a Thai pepper.

Lisa: You got it! David! Go! Go!

The whole thing?

The whole thing. David! David!

[Bleep] David! David!

Come on! $40,000! 40,000, baby!

Adam secretly hopes that this is the one

that will make David vomit.

♪♪

Giuseppe: Yeah! Attaboy!

Attaboy!

Yeah, Dave! Pull the drink now!

[ Coughs ]

Here's that lemonade. It's still here.

No! That's dirty water!

No! Go!

Dirty water!

The Riley family has never tasted actual lemonade,

as they mistakenly believe it to be dirty water.

Adam: Are you gonna drink the lemonade?

Oh, man.

♪♪

No, I don't want it!

Four more thousand dollars there.

Yeah, Davey! Whoo!

You now are up to $12,000 so far on just this challenge.

Now, Jaime, Lisa, Giuseppe, before we go on,

I've got a side challenge for you.

I have a little wasabi on chips, one for each of you.

I Don't‐You‐Dare you to eat these.

Don't You Dare.

[ Bird shrieks ]

I'm gonna throw another $5,000 into the pot.

I can't do it.

Oh, come on. Bro, it's nothing.

The last time David said "Bro, it's nothing" to Giuseppe,

they both ended up handcuffed in a Dunkin' Donuts.

So...

Bring it on!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Swallow it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's what family's all about!

That's what family's all about!

How does that feel, you guys?

Holy [bleep]

You guys nailed it, so 5,000 more dollars.

Yeah, baby!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now back to the main challenge.

Just two more insanely hot dishes to win the $40,000.

Okay, there's nothing more delicious for dessert

than a crispy, cinnamon‐y churro.

But this one's extra special

because it has a habanero pepper

attached to the top of it.

The habanero is about 100 times hotter

than the jalapeño you ate earlier.

Just leave me the churro.

So, you're getting the churro, I'm getting the pepper?

Yes. Okay.

♪♪

Come on, David!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Giuseppe: Yeah! Eat it up!

Now, as you know, that's only the first part of the challenge.

That's one of my favorites there ‐‐ milk. I love milk.

Milk ‐‐ it does a body...fat.

Now, in milk, there is a protein called casein.

It binds with a protein in the pepper called capsaicin,

and that is what relieves the spicy sensation

you're feeling right now.

Check out Adam Scott's TED Talk ‐‐

"Ow! My Mouth ‐‐ Why Does it Hurt?"

So, I'll just put this here. It's ice‐cold, too.

It's delicious. Lisa: No. Say no.

♪♪

No more. No! No! No!

No!

[ Cheers and applause ]

That is 4,000 more dollars,

for a total of $16,000.

[ Cheers and applause ]

One more!

One more!

One more!

You got one shot! One more!

This is not for show. I can't even touch it.

This is something called the ghost pepper.

You may have seen the YouTube videos.

♪♪

Oh [bleep]

Aaaah!

Aaaaah!

This is one million....

[ Audience groans ]

...on the spicy scale.

You need to eat this pepper.

If you fail,

your winnings for this game will be cut in half.

Are you going to eat the ghost pepper?

Come on, David! Stay strong! 40,000!

40,000, right there!

Stay strong, baby!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Gags ]

Stay strong, baby! That's it!

[ Coughs ]

Did you swallow that, David?

Okay.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Go, go, go, go, go!

Now, for the final part of the challenge, for $40,000.

Nooo! Don't drink! Don't drink!

Can David resist the cow water?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Stay strong! Concentrate! Don't drink!

♪♪

Pass.

Pass!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You did it!

You did it!

David, you just won your family $40,000.

When we add that to the $5,000 from the "Don't You Dare"

and your winnings from the previous rounds,

you're now up to $67,500.

Great job, Rileys.

For the sake of the Riley family,

don't touch that remote.

Adam Scott recently told Americans

"Don't touch that remote."

[ Distorted ] ...don't touch that remote.

Harmless instruction to keep you

from tuning into another program, right?

Wrong.

Did you know that an average TV remote

carries as much bacteria as a gas station toilet seat?

[ Toilet flushes ]

So, the next time you think about changing the channel

while watching "Don't," don't,

unless you like touching toilet seats.

Brought to by the Commercials Conservation Corps.

Welcome back to "Don't."

I'm here with the Riley family,

who is going home so far with $67,500.

Yeah!

[ Dramatic music sting ]

So, Lisa, you're a court stenographer?

Yes, I am.

Yeah, and you have a really interesting greeting

every morning for all the lawyers in the courtroom?

I don't have a filter,

so I don't even realize that I'm saying it sometimes.

So, you say what I say. David, what does she say?

I went to pick her up at work once,

and there was a bunch of lawyers, very serious guys,

and then she said, "What's up, bitches?"

[ Laughter ] Nice.

Adam: Wow.

That kind of behavior may fly

in every single courtroom in the United States,

but it will not fly in our next game ‐‐

"Don't Use Fowl Language."

Adam: This is the game we play

when ABC lawyers won't let us say [bleep]

One by one, you'll identify a celebrity from a photo.

If you spot that the celebrity's name is bird‐related,

you'll press the giant egg and win $2,500.

If it's not bird related,

don't press the egg and you'll win $1,000.

Get any of that wrong, it's a giant goose egg.

"Don't Use Fowl Language."

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's very important to remember,

if the celebrity shares a name with a type of bird,

you must hit the egg‐shaped button

before you say the name out loud.

Okay, you'll each get two turns in the game,

and, Lisa, you're gonna go first.

Don't Use Fowl Language. Here is your first celebrity.

It's a handsome fella up there.

Giuseppe: Good looking guy.

Who is he, and is he a bird?

Lisa: I think I know who it is,

but maybe you should give me a little ‐‐

just to make sure I'm 100% positive.

"Place Beyond the Pines."

"Place Beyond the Pines"? Yes.

What are you talking about?

We just watched it not too long ago.

I wasn't paying attention. Okay.

[ Laughter ]

"Notebook."

Yes. That's it. Ryan Gosling.

Adam: That is Ryan Gosling,

and Ryan Gosling is a bird.

[ Cheers and applause ] $2,500.

David.

My man's money.

Your man is money?

‐My man's money. ‐Go ahead.

Alright. Well, let's find out. Put it in the bank.

Can you name her, and is she a bird?

♪♪

No bird. No bird.

Katy Perry.

You're correct.

That's $1,000. ‐Yeah, baby!

Yeah, baby!

Jaime, you are up.

Let's see who the next celebrity is.

Whoa. Who's that guy?

‐Yes. Jaime. Jaime. ‐I know.

I know who he is. I can't think of the name.

Oh. Cousin Joey. Not the name, but it sounds familiar.

Digging into the family tree for hints.

‐It's my nickname? ‐Yes.

And I know the next one.

Means nothing to the rest of us.

It's a bird. Okay.

Jay Leno.

Yeah. Jay Leno is a bird.

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah. $2,500.

Giuseppe, you are up.

Next celebrity, please.

Oh, yeah. We know what it is.

He is, right? ‐Of course.

Russell Crowe is a bird.

You got it. $2,500.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah!

This segment is brought to you by finger guns.

Finger guns ‐‐ safe, fun, finger guns.

Back to you, Lisa.

‐Okay. ‐Next celebrity, please.

♪♪

‐I know exactly who it is. ‐No bird.

‐Just say the name? ‐Mm‐hmm.

Meghan Markle?

That is Meghan Markle, and Meghan Markle is not a bird.

You just won $1,000.

Yeah!

Good for me! Good for me!

Next celebrity, please.

[ Ding ]

David, who's that guy?

‐Yes. ‐Yes.

‐Rockin'... ‐Yes.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐Yes.

Robin Thicke.

Yes, he's a bird.

He is a bird.

He's a bird!

Alright, that's another $2,500 you just added.

You're up to $12,000 now.

We got it!

Let's see the next celebrity we have up here.

Oh, who's that guy?

Jaime, is he a bird?

Yes? It's a bird? I would say yeah.

‐I think ‐‐ ‐Lisa, you think he's a bird?

‐I think it is. ‐Okay.

[ Audience murmurs ]

Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks...is not a bird.

‐What? ‐Yeah.

But he is the very best of us.

Giuseppe, last question.

Lisa: Okay. You know who that is?

‐Yes, I do. ‐Is she a bird?

Um...

‐Yes. ‐Yes. I think yes.

I never heard of a bird like that.

‐Chill. ‐I'm chill!

Taylor Swift.

You're saying this is a bird?

‐Yeah. ‐Let's see.

Taylor Swift is a bird.

‐Yeah! Told you, baby! ‐Yeah!

$14,500,

which brings your total to $82,000.

It's a lot of money.

Stick around to see

if the Rileys can increase their nest egg.

You're not gonna want to miss what they do next.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay, time for our final game,

and time, as we all know ‐‐ it's just a construct.

It's a measurement created by silly humans

to count the comings and goings

of our curious and ultimately meaningless existence.

I guess what I'm saying, Riley family,

is it's time to play "Don't Get Clocked."

Come on.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

In this game, two of you

will answer trivia questions with a numeric answer.

The other two will sit below a giant revolving clock

and have to grab the number answered

without getting clocked in the face by huge hammers.

Every correct number you grab earns you $1,500,

and after five minutes or both of you getting clocked,

the game is over.

"Don't Get Clocked."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies, let me just ask you ‐‐ how did you end up back there?

Is there some strategy here?

No. Nothing. "Get in the box." We got in the box.

You just ended up there?

You just said, "Get in."

David, you just finished a very spicy challenge.

Is this strategy of them doing all of the active work

and you sitting here and answering trivia questions ‐‐

does it have anything to do

with how your stomach is feeling right now?

Well, I'm not...feeling great.

Okay. So, after you ate all of that butt‐exploding food...

Yes. ...all they needed to do was get in the box?

Yes, sir.

Okay, are you guys ready?

Yes, sir. We're ready.

Jaime and Lisa, are you guys ready?

I'm a whole nother level of scared right now.

You are? Yeah.

Well, there's a lot to play for.

You currently have $82,000.

If you play this round perfectly,

you leave here tonight with over $100,000.

Oh!

And now, it's time to turn it on.

♪♪

Let's put five minutes on the clock.

Oh!

Here is your first question.

‐2! 2! ‐2!

‐2! 2! ‐2!

Guys say 2.

Fun fact ‐‐ "2 Legit 2 Quit" was the sequel

to the 1990 track "1 Legit 1 Quit."

Half as good. Dad jokes.

Shoot me.

Go, go, Jaime!

[ Ding! ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Very nice. Very nice.

That is $1,500 you just won.

We'll take it. We'll take it.

Okay.

12! 12!

‐12! ‐12!

Let's fix this for our OCD viewers at home.

Yep, that's better.

Left to right.

‐12! ‐12!

Jaime, you're gonna have to get it.

Jaime, get it!

‐Go, go! ‐Go, Jaime! Go!

[ Cheers and applause ]

$3,000 so far.

Question number three...

‐4 years! 4, 4, 4! ‐4! 4!

‐4! ‐4!

This show was shot back in 2019.

Math was different back then.

‐4! ‐4!

Now! Now!

[ Ding! ]

Yeah!

Yeah, baby!

Adam: It still counts even if she didn't hold it.

Okay. Fill in the blank in this dad joke.

8! 8! 8!

Lisa, now, now! Now, Lisa!

Now! ‐Go!

[ Ding! ] ‐7, 8, 9.

She got 8. ‐Good job.

$6,000 so far. Very good.

Some eagle‐eyed viewers at home may have noticed

Jaime also took out the 7.

We're just gonna play through and act like it didn't happen.

Question number five...

‐9! 9! ‐9!

Now, Lisa, look up!

Go, go, Jaime, go!

Oh! You were waiting for that!

Great job, Jaime.

Great job.

Whatever.

You're out now, so you can help answer

the questions along with the guys.

‐Just you! ‐Just me?

That's right, Lisa. It's all up to you.

You currently have a total of $88,000.

Come on, Lisa!

Can you reach $100,000?

Get it together!

Shut the [bleep] up.

Adam: Questions to be answered when we return ‐‐

Can Lisa get out of here without being clocked?

Will Giuseppe ever stop using finger guns?

And how many ads during this commercial break

will say the phrase, "In these challenging times"?

Five. The answer is five.

Adam: Welcome back to "Don't."

The Rileys started slow,

but they quickly started stockpiling money.

[ Screams ]

Jaime helped them win thousands when she didn't blink...

Not a one.

...David fought off a ghost pepper and tears

in "Don't Drink"...

Pass. Pass!

...and bird is the word, and the word was "money"...

Robin Thicke.

He's a bird!

...in "Don't Use Fowl Language,"

bringing their total so far to $88,000.

‐9! 9! ‐9!

Just before the break, Jaime...

Giuseppe: Go, go, go, Jaime, go!

‐...got clocked... ‐Oh!

...which means it's now all up to her sister Lisa

to reach the $100,000 mark.

Here we go. Let's get back into it.

Question number six.

‐10! ‐10! 10! ‐10! 10! 10!

‐Let's go, Lisa! ‐There you go.

Now! Now!

Go, Lisa!

[ Ding! ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah! Good job!

That is another $1,500.

You have $7,500 so far. Yeah!

The One.

1! 1!

1! 1!

Lisa: Really?!

Now! Now!

[ Ding! ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Good job! Good job!

I know.

$9,000. 9 grand, baby!

Let's see how much more we can get. 9 grand.

9! 9!

9! 9! Adam: 9 is correct,

but can Lisa grab it?

[ Ding! ]

Very nice.

Good job! Good job!

$10,500 so far.

‐5! ‐5!

5!

Giuseppe: Now! Now!

Jaime: Lisa, now!

[ Ding! ] Adam: She's got it.

Very good.

Okay, you guys are at $12,000 so far on this challenge alone.

You have under 30 seconds left.

‐6! ‐6!

‐6! ‐6!

Adam: We have 10 seconds!

Jaime: 10...

All: 9, 8, 7, 6, 5...

I can't get it!

All: ...4, 3, 2, 1.

Okay. That's it. That is the game.

Sorry.

[ Laughs ]

Don't worry, Lisa is fine.

She developed whiplash in an unrelated incident.

Riley family, you are going home with $94,000 for you guys.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So happy for you. That's awesome.

Oh, and there's some good news for me,

because I've made my decision for who my new best friend is,

and, well, it's Giuseppe.

Giuseppe, will you be my new best friend?

Absolutely.

Alright. Come here.

How you doing?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, we're best friends.

Best friends.

We're best friends.

Good night, everybody.

Yeah! Yeah!

So great.

Yeah!

Lisa went on to call the sitting members

of the Supreme Court "bitches" to their faces,

but everyone loved it and had a good laugh,

especially Ginsburg.

David is still in the bathroom,

recovering from that ghost pepper.

The other Rileys miss him so very much.

Jaime parlayed her ability to not blink

into full‐time Instagram influencer status.

She's now a brand ambassador for Visine.

Giuseppe went on to buy drinks

for the whole studio audience

and wiped out all of their winnings.

And Adam will be back here next week,

as he is contractually obligated to be.

[ Chuckles ] Suck it, Adam.