All language subtitles for Crossing Swords - 01x09 - The A-Moooo-Zing Race.WEBRip.x264-ION10.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com
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1
00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:02,996
♪
2
00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:08,766
[gasps]
3
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,601
Where am I?
What's happening?
4
00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,345
Hello?
5
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,680
Someone help me!
6
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,024
[voice echoing]
7
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:24,106
Whoever you are, you don't scare me, okay?
8
00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:27,485
I'm a real handful.
Just wait and see.
9
00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:30,156
Eight of my last nine captors
killed themselves.
10
00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:32,656
The ninth one died of gout.
11
00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,496
God dammit,
do you know who I am?
12
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,327
- [sobbing]
- [footsteps pounding]
13
00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:43,132
MINOTAUR:
Oh, I know exactly who you are,
14
00:00:43,133 --> 00:00:45,086
Princess Blossom. [snorts]
15
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:51,175
The question you should be asking
is who am I?
16
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:55,555
Welcome to the womb of the maze
to which I am banished for eternity.
17
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:59,056
The labyrinth of death
where I feast upon the souls
18
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,644
who dare to venture its depths!
19
00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:04,855
Much as I'd love to gobble you up
in this very moment,
20
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,397
I've given my word to wait.
21
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,945
But only for one day's time.
And then...
22
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:14,365
you will be mine!
23
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:16,486
[gasping]
24
00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,663
And... scene.
25
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,705
[screaming]
26
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,709
[scream echoing]
27
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,928
And when our carriage
arrived at the academy,
28
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,599
they told us Princess Blossom
wasn't there.
29
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,350
She must have just disappeared
on the road between here and school.
30
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,352
Why weren't you riding with her?
31
00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:47,481
She won't let us.
Fern gets carsick.
32
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,692
[whimpers] Out of both ends.
33
00:01:49,693 --> 00:01:52,612
My sweet petal!
We must find her.
34
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,864
This is awful, Broth.
35
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:59,995
If someone's kidnapping beautiful maidens,
my girlfriend Sloane could be next.
36
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,333
Uh, I think you're fine.
37
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:08,254
Your majesties.
A letter from Blossom's captor.
38
00:02:08,255 --> 00:02:10,591
"You have 24 hours to abdicate
the throne
39
00:02:10,592 --> 00:02:12,129
or your daughter will be eaten."
40
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,174
Oh God!
41
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:16,675
I'm not playing any damn games.
I'm sending in special ops.
42
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:20,138
- We don't know where to send them.
- The return address says...
43
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,140
"Minotaur's Labyrinth"?
44
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,230
[Queen Tulip gasps]
45
00:02:23,231 --> 00:02:25,227
Send in the whole goddamn army.
46
00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:28,019
The army was nearly
wiped out by the plague.
47
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:31,362
And if we lost the remainder,
the kingdom would be defenseless.
48
00:02:31,363 --> 00:02:35,110
Time's running out. Merriman,
we've got to do something, anything!
49
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:38,283
All right, the plan man's
got a new plan.
50
00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:44,036
Huh. Whoever saves the princess
from the labyrinth
51
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,539
gets one million dollars?
52
00:02:45,541 --> 00:02:48,211
Whoo-hoo!
I can finally go to college.
53
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,339
MINOTAUR:
Time is the cruelest master,
54
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,590
unforgiving in its constant...
55
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:58,594
Aaah! Fuck, fuck!
I burned my fucking hoof.
56
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:01,005
Shit. This isn't my usual torch.
57
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,393
- I'm not...
- Amateur.
58
00:03:02,394 --> 00:03:07,101
A real performer would never blame props
for their shitty performance.
59
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:10,192
You don't know the pressure
of delivering an epic monologue.
60
00:03:10,193 --> 00:03:12,480
Oh, you think I don't know your world?
61
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:16,320
[light switch clangs]
I'm Princess fucking Blossom.
62
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,406
I've been kidnapped by the best
63
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:21,447
and witnessed villainous diatribes
from them all.
64
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:22,577
The derivative.
65
00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:23,698
The brilliant.
66
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,294
The guy who died of gout halfway through.
67
00:03:26,295 --> 00:03:28,499
He left it all on the stage.
68
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,294
You think I can't recognize talent?
69
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:35,214
I could take your sorry ass
from Minotaur to Minostar,
70
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,135
but you're not worth it!
71
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,814
Please. Teach me!
72
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,807
Get me a new pee bucket
and I'll consider it.
73
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:48,144
Mmm...
74
00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:49,685
Oh, Patrick.
75
00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:53,568
I can't believe you're risking your neck
to save that little psychopath.
76
00:03:53,569 --> 00:03:55,276
[sighs] It's my job, Sloane.
77
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,857
You're so brave.
78
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,282
It would be rude to disagree.
79
00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,415
Ugh.
80
00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:03,626
[horse whinnies]
81
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,998
[whispering] Broth,
the princess is so fuckin' dead.
82
00:04:06,999 --> 00:04:10,416
I'm the worst squire alive.
I've cocked up every single assignment.
83
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,917
Patrick, when in doubt,
just remember the Viking motto:
84
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,589
"Fake it until you make it."
85
00:04:14,590 --> 00:04:16,668
Is that really the Viking motto?
86
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:18,933
I have in fact forgot the Viking motto,
87
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:22,386
however I am faking it
until I am making it.
88
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,972
♪
89
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:30,898
[Blarney chuckles]
90
00:04:30,899 --> 00:04:32,806
Blarney?
What are you doing here?
91
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:36,784
Can I interest anyone
in a minotaur balloon animal?
92
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,495
[balloon squeaking]
93
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,700
[air squeaking]
94
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,201
- [pop!]
- [clown horn honks]
95
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,453
Weird group.
96
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,504
There's that psychopath
who sells yeti pelts.
97
00:04:49,505 --> 00:04:53,838
Mama's sleepin' under
a silky smooth minotaur blanket tonight.
98
00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:55,666
Yeah-eah!
99
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:56,961
BOTH: Slapjack Flip!
100
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,174
[western soundtrack playing]
101
00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:05,429
He rides alone.
102
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:10,100
Ho-ho-ho! Mr. Slapjack.
Do you want to be partners with me?
103
00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:11,435
I ride alone.
104
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,476
BROTH: He rides alone, Trina.
Jesus!
105
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,520
[horn blows]
106
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:16,983
Gather round.
107
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:20,903
The Million Dollar Minotaur Challenge
is about to commence.
108
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:23,823
On my mark,
the contestants will enter the...
109
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:27,544
Trina Franklins!
110
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,328
- [cheering]
- Oh, what the hell!
111
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,958
Hold up now.
Listen up, squires.
112
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,679
I don't think you're ready
for the labyrinth
113
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:38,209
and you will 1,000 percent die in there,
114
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,922
but if you should rescue the princess,
115
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,843
you'll earn
this Damsel-in-Distress merit badge.
116
00:05:41,844 --> 00:05:44,051
- Oh, wow!
- I want it so much!
117
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,052
- It's mine.
- [Minotaur roars]
118
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,064
[challengers screaming]
119
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:51,389
This was a bad idea.
We're out.
120
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,439
Last chance to back out.
121
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,267
Blossom needs us.
Maybe if we all stick together...
122
00:05:56,273 --> 00:06:00,073
As much fun as that sounds,
there's no way I'm splitting that million.
123
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,702
Let's go get that ménage à trois!
124
00:06:02,703 --> 00:06:04,106
Minotaur. Idiot.
125
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:10,244
Minotaur made out of balloons?
126
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:11,245
[cackling]
127
00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,536
[pop!]
Fucking asshole!
128
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:17,460
This is fun.
It reminds me of a school field trip.
129
00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:20,381
Yeah, my school field trips
always sucked pretty hard.
130
00:06:20,382 --> 00:06:22,760
Most of the kids
were on an agriculture track.
131
00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:26,759
FARMER: And lastly,
don't ever lead a cow upstairs.
132
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,472
They can't get back down.
You might think it's a fun prank,
133
00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:32,023
and then there's a dead cow
in your third-floor walk-up.
134
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:33,347
KIDS: Oh!
135
00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:35,898
- Blehh!
- [cow moos]
136
00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:43,359
- [screams]
- Still think this is a fun field trip?
137
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,662
Tell that to ol' No-Face over there.
138
00:06:45,663 --> 00:06:47,316
[gasps] Kitty!
139
00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,950
[meow echoes]
140
00:06:48,951 --> 00:06:52,870
Okay, kitty, whose voice
I can hear in my head, I'll come with you.
141
00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:56,040
Broth, the cat's an illusion.
The labyrinth wants to lure you away.
142
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,541
[meowing]
143
00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:58,963
He says his name is Branmilk.
144
00:06:58,964 --> 00:07:02,671
- Broth!
- BROTH: Branmilk! Wait up for Daddy!
145
00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:04,632
[doors clang]
146
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,300
Uhh... He's gone.
147
00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,928
[clanging]
148
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,429
Honestly, fuck this maze.
149
00:07:15,811 --> 00:07:19,401
So are we ever gonna talk about
how we got past the smashy things?
150
00:07:19,402 --> 00:07:21,858
No, we are not.
151
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,986
Uh... say you win this contest, Patrick.
152
00:07:24,987 --> 00:07:26,667
What would you spend the million bucks on?
153
00:07:26,691 --> 00:07:30,910
Oh. You-you know the king
doesn't have a million dollars, right?
154
00:07:30,911 --> 00:07:32,739
Sorry, what?
155
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,288
Yeah. The kingdom is super broke.
156
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:39,709
So you walked into this hellhole
out of a sense of duty?
157
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:41,800
Of course.
The princess needs us.
158
00:07:41,801 --> 00:07:43,875
Damn. I'm impressed.
159
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:46,591
We could use more squires
like you, Patrick.
160
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,676
Wow. Thanks.
161
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:51,257
Wait, aren't you here
out of a sense of duty too?
162
00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:54,642
I have five kids, so no,
I was absolutely doing it for the money.
163
00:07:54,643 --> 00:07:56,311
Good luck saving Princess Twatsnatch.
164
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,728
Ah, shit!
165
00:07:58,729 --> 00:08:01,189
Sergeant Meghan! No!
166
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:06,068
Sands pass, marking the hours of the...
167
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,905
I mean, the dwindling hours of the...
168
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:12,656
"Marking the dwindling hours
of your youth."
169
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:16,159
God dammit! Get off-book
or get off the stage, all right?
170
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,373
[retches] Oh, God, you make me sick.
171
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,077
I'm trying.
172
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,376
[Blossom retching]
173
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:26,417
I thought I was training an actor,
not a trier!
174
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,263
[taps stick]
Again!
175
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,930
- [gasps] Who dares...?
- En garde!
176
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:36,140
Oh. It's just a squire.
177
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:39,439
And you're one
of those forest dwelling antiheroes.
178
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,806
Going to give the reward money
to the poor?
179
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:45,279
Ha. Psych. That was a fake laugh.
I'd rather set the money on fire.
180
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,735
But I suppose you're here
out of the goodness of your heart.
181
00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:49,566
Ha. If I win, I'm going to...
182
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:52,660
BOTH: ...commission a marble statue
of myself doing pushups
183
00:08:52,661 --> 00:08:56,368
to promote my lifestyle brand, which I'll
then leverage into my own talk show
184
00:08:56,370 --> 00:09:00,580
dedicated to poorly researched
health and beauty tips.
185
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,418
The name's Ruben.
186
00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:05,719
Holden.
187
00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:07,878
Well, see you around.
188
00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:10,257
[clangs]
189
00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:14,723
Guess I'm going your way instead.
Try to keep up, old man.
190
00:09:14,724 --> 00:09:19,771
Old? [chuckles] I dare you to find
one gray pube on this body.
191
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,569
PATRICK:
Is that painting flirting with me?
192
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,700
Hmm. Nope.
I don't get art.
193
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:37,660
- [clang!]
- MULTIPLE VOICES: Welcome to the hall
194
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:40,329
of emotional destruction, Patrick.
195
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:44,917
We'll destroy you
until you destroy yourself!
196
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,168
[voices giggle]
197
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:48,258
CORAL:
You're a failure, Patrick.
198
00:09:48,259 --> 00:09:51,085
RUBEN: Look at the sadness
and destruction you've caused.
199
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:56,136
BLARNEY:
I heard you blackmailed your king.
200
00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:58,218
Technically, yes.
201
00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,892
CORAL:
You crushed our father's dreams.
202
00:10:00,893 --> 00:10:04,562
All he ever wanted was to see
a Kraken, and I blew it up.
203
00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:07,483
RUBEN: You discovered
a democracy in the clouds,
204
00:10:07,484 --> 00:10:09,482
and it ended in genocide.
205
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:13,196
It's true!
We killed them all.
206
00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:16,866
CORAL: You murdered the one true love
of the girl you're trying to save.
207
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:20,367
Oh my god.
How long do these career highlights go on?
208
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:24,207
[trio laughing]
209
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:25,288
[Patrick groans]
210
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:29,086
[laughter continues]
211
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,207
Oh, no!
212
00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:32,173
Damn, I'm impressed.
213
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:35,259
We could use more squires
like you, Patrick.
214
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:39,930
You're wrong, Sergeant Meghan.
You're wrong and...
215
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,732
You're never wrong.
216
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:46,479
That blackmail?
217
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,730
That was to save you,
you fuckin' ingrate. Hyah!
218
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:53,110
I didn't ruin Dad's big dream.
219
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:56,739
His big dream was about to eat his ass.
220
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:57,820
Hyah!
221
00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,326
And I didn't slaughter those Wispies.
222
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,787
Hyah!
I was chasing our runaway King.
223
00:11:03,789 --> 00:11:06,789
Hyah! And I didn't kill Keefer.
224
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,918
I saved Blossom.
225
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:12,169
Keefer just happened to perform
in a fuckin' death trap
226
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,589
on a nightly basis.
227
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,466
Maybe I'm not perfect,
228
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:20,717
but I'd rather be an imperfect squire
than a successful pirate.
229
00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:22,807
Or bandit. Or grifter.
230
00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:25,226
So you can all fuck off!
231
00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,727
TRIO: Noooo!
232
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:30,818
He's immune to our psychological warfare!
233
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,404
Whew. That was cathartic.
234
00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:39,068
♪ Who's the greatest pirate
on the big blue sea? ♪
235
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:41,492
♪ Coral, Coral ♪
236
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:44,328
♪ Who's the greatest captain
In the whole navy... ♪
237
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:45,329
Oh shit.
238
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,707
Admiral Javier Killgore.
239
00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:49,998
Coral the Pirate Queen.
240
00:11:50,002 --> 00:11:51,502
How's your warship doing?
241
00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:53,254
Well, Mrs. Rhetorical.
242
00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,755
It fucking sank after you shot it.
243
00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,047
Hmm.
244
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,760
[spurs jingling]
245
00:12:04,016 --> 00:12:05,886
Ooh! I'm lost.
246
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:08,144
I did not have a good plan.
247
00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:10,515
Sorry, kid. I ride alone.
248
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,607
But why? Whoops!
249
00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:14,188
[gagging]
250
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,778
Ohh, that's why he rode alone.
251
00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:19,989
[straining]
252
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:22,330
RUBEN:
Over to the peach tree. Hup, hup.
253
00:12:22,331 --> 00:12:24,366
Whoo! Good thing I stretched.
254
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:26,159
Ooh. Peach?
255
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:28,206
Magical maze fruit?
256
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:29,497
You sure you should eat that?
257
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:30,799
What, are you scared?
258
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:34,298
Yecch!
259
00:12:34,299 --> 00:12:39,506
Uggh! Oh, my God.
What the fuck is in that?
260
00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:43,888
Ooop. That is not peach juice.
It's semen.
261
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:46,229
The peaches are filled with semen.
All of them.
262
00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:48,015
Semen-filled peaches.
263
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:50,018
Goddamn, this maze is a freakshow.
264
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:51,980
You've, um, got some jizz on your shirt.
265
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,740
[sighs]
266
00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:58,239
Hey now?
We having an ab-off?
267
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,986
Where'd you get that gorgeous scar?
268
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:03,699
A real asshole named Patrick.
269
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:06,035
I hate a guy named Patrick too.
270
00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:07,336
[Holden gasps]
271
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,633
[romantic music playing]
272
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,259
Ladies first.
273
00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:22,844
Aha!
274
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:25,175
[chuckles] The joke's on you.
275
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,430
I've got your wallet!
276
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:29,482
Damn it. I have your wallet.
277
00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:34,437
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, yeah, yeah, fuck!
278
00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:36,649
[groaning]
279
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:39,277
Use the peach!
Use it! Use the peach!
280
00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:41,404
Oh, fuck! Hah! Hah! Hah!
281
00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:44,365
HOLDEN:
Oh, fuck, that feels good!
282
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,292
[sighs]
283
00:13:48,704 --> 00:13:50,997
Well, there's no way
that bridge isn't evil.
284
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,298
[sword clangs]
285
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:54,749
Oh...
286
00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:56,051
[gasps]
287
00:13:57,713 --> 00:14:01,799
Only those who are
true of heart may pass.
288
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,850
Really? That's it?
Not even a cover charge?
289
00:14:04,851 --> 00:14:07,635
Okay, one true heart, coming through.
290
00:14:09,141 --> 00:14:10,441
Waah!
291
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:12,733
[gasping]
292
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,983
[creatures snarling]
293
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,317
[gasping]
294
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,280
- [creatures snarling]
- Whaaa!
295
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:29,203
My heart is true, you dumb fuckin' bridge!
296
00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:31,545
Right?
297
00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:39,127
As I said, only those
who are true of heart may pass.
298
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,629
What are you talking about?
299
00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:46,302
I've been shitting my pants all day
in a haunted murder maze
300
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,313
and there isn't even any reward.
301
00:14:48,314 --> 00:14:49,845
No reward?
302
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:52,725
Isn't a knighthood what you covet most?
303
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,096
Saving the princess would sure help.
304
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:56,437
Oh, my God.
305
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:59,438
I only want to be a knight
to help people in need.
306
00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:03,236
Oh? You're not trying to impress
your parents?
307
00:15:03,237 --> 00:15:06,656
Everyone, literally everyone,
wants to impress their parents.
308
00:15:06,657 --> 00:15:09,947
You say you're true of heart,
but aren't you really down here
309
00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:12,999
trying to look like a big shot
in front of Sloane?
310
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:17,536
Haven't you ever heard of a win-win,
you dumbass fuckin' water wall?
311
00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:19,335
Let me through.
312
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:20,746
Waaaah!
313
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,761
[creatures snarling]
314
00:15:23,674 --> 00:15:25,054
BLOSSOM:
Five minutes, curtains up.
315
00:15:25,055 --> 00:15:27,510
- Thank you five.
- Alright, let's warm up your instrument.
316
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:31,595
BOTH:
♪ Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
317
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:36,518
- Ha... ha...
- BOTH: ♪ Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
318
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,187
Ha... ha... ha...
319
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,147
♪ Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah... ♪
320
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:43,488
Haaaaaaaaa!
321
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,029
Only those who are true of heart...
322
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:50,700
You made your point, dickhead.
I'm human garbage.
323
00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:54,201
But how does anyone ever pass your test?
It's impossible.
324
00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:56,122
[Blossom screams]
325
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:59,333
Blossom! She needs help. Please!
326
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:02,594
Look, I don't need a reward,
or glory, or anything.
327
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:06,674
I'll prove it.
Take my life instead of hers.
328
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,885
I'll die an anonymous pile of bones.
329
00:16:08,886 --> 00:16:12,676
I don't care. I don't need credit,
no fancy statues in my honor.
330
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:18,271
She's scared and in danger
and saving her is all I care about.
331
00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:21,608
And that's the truth.
332
00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:29,822
It turns out your heart is true.
You may pass.
333
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:32,074
So, we have a deal?
334
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,195
I'm merely a gatekeeper, Patrick.
335
00:16:34,203 --> 00:16:37,713
Who lives and who dies
is now in your hands.
336
00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:45,423
Princess! I'm here to save you.
337
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,715
Showtime, baby.
338
00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:49,016
You're ready.
339
00:16:52,471 --> 00:16:53,596
[snorts]
340
00:16:53,597 --> 00:16:55,427
Oh shit.
341
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,058
You've faced yourself,
342
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,685
but now you face the final challenge,
343
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,436
the invincible nightmare men call
344
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,774
the mighty Minotaur!
345
00:17:04,775 --> 00:17:07,815
[roaring, snarling]
346
00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,196
Oh, how embarrassing for you.
347
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:11,777
You've wet your knickers.
348
00:17:11,782 --> 00:17:13,699
What? No I haven't.
349
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:17,200
Oh, well, I'll... just keep going.
350
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:21,964
Soon your screams will fill the air
and your flesh shall fill my belly!
351
00:17:21,965 --> 00:17:25,749
[snarling]
352
00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:28,130
Now? How about now?
A little pee?
353
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,841
Do you want me to pee my pants?
354
00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:31,889
It's not gonna happen.
Move on!
355
00:17:31,890 --> 00:17:34,295
He should be drowning
in his own pee by now.
356
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:37,223
Oh my God, this is a train wreck.
Can you just stay on script?
357
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,308
Stop yelling at me!
358
00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:42,309
Pee for me, you little shit! [roars]
359
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:44,105
[Patrick screams]
360
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,816
What do I do?
Think, Patrick, think.
361
00:17:46,817 --> 00:17:48,567
- [Minotaur snarling]
- Yaah!
362
00:17:48,569 --> 00:17:50,149
Olé, bitch!
363
00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,663
- [thuds]
- MINOTAUR: Huh?
364
00:17:51,664 --> 00:17:53,025
Uh, now what?
365
00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:57,951
Don't ever lead a cow upstairs...
upstairs... upstairs.
366
00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:02,623
Minotaurs are half bull.
That's basically a cow. I hope.
367
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:03,666
[panting]
368
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:05,585
Come and get me!
369
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:07,666
[grunting]
370
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,921
- [Patrick gasps]
- [Minotaur grunting]
371
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:11,674
Haaa!
372
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:13,215
[clang!]
Haaah!
373
00:18:15,596 --> 00:18:17,136
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh...
374
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:20,979
This is exactly how my cousin Ron died
in that third-floor walk-up.
375
00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:25,855
[yowls, hisses]
376
00:18:25,856 --> 00:18:29,686
Aw, Branmilk doesn't want to get wet.
I'll keep you dry, dude.
377
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:32,195
I get it, man, I hate baths too.
378
00:18:32,196 --> 00:18:34,106
- Thanks, Broth.
- You got it, Broth.
379
00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,034
Eh...
380
00:18:38,035 --> 00:18:39,905
And easy does it.
381
00:18:39,912 --> 00:18:42,246
There we go.
Gently.
382
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,787
You fail! F-minus.
383
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,381
You're still holding back on me.
384
00:18:46,382 --> 00:18:48,166
No, I'm not!
385
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:50,460
I am a star...
386
00:18:50,464 --> 00:18:52,424
[screaming]
387
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,759
[crash!]
388
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,344
[sighs, moans]
389
00:18:56,345 --> 00:18:58,215
I wasn't built for stairs.
390
00:18:58,222 --> 00:18:59,309
[Minotaur groans]
391
00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:01,426
- [dramatic fanfare plays]
- Assassin!
392
00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:03,523
That's the Assassin's insignia.
393
00:19:03,524 --> 00:19:06,059
Are you working together?
394
00:19:06,063 --> 00:19:09,899
[weakly] While the kingdom's heroes
rescued Blossom...
395
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:12,610
who was defending the castle?
396
00:19:12,611 --> 00:19:17,198
For years, I stumbled in darkness,
but now I see the light.
397
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,408
Yes, yes. Bring it home.
398
00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:24,497
You kneel to false gods,
who sit on stolen thrones.
399
00:19:24,498 --> 00:19:27,078
No longer will we live in the shadows.
400
00:19:27,084 --> 00:19:30,294
All hail the one true queen.
401
00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:31,585
All hail...
402
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,378
PELT SELLER: Gimme that pelt!
403
00:19:33,382 --> 00:19:34,757
[Minotaur shrieking]
404
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:36,798
- What the fuck?!
- Jesus Christ!
405
00:19:36,802 --> 00:19:39,595
[groaning]
406
00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:42,096
[cackling] Yes! Yes!
407
00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,599
[cackling]
408
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:47,228
Uh... um, I'll get you out of there.
409
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:48,896
Was I teaching him?
410
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:52,437
Or was he teaching me all along?
411
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:53,742
[cat cry echoing]
412
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,704
- [mouse squeaking]
- [cat purring]
413
00:19:56,705 --> 00:19:58,317
[cat meows]
414
00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:01,784
Oh. That's what you wanted.
415
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:03,035
[meows]
416
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:06,496
Ah, I mean, uh, if you say so.
417
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,292
Mm, mm...
418
00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:10,593
PATRICK: Yaah!
419
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:15,381
For his final curtain call,
he really slayed it.
420
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,301
[sobbing]
421
00:20:18,302 --> 00:20:20,552
Bravo!
422
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:23,351
Blossom, snap out of it.
The castle is in danger.
423
00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:26,267
Look, getting kidnapped
is very traumatic.
424
00:20:26,268 --> 00:20:28,478
Don't judge my coping mechanism.
425
00:20:29,897 --> 00:20:31,897
- [light switch clangs]
- What the...?
426
00:20:31,899 --> 00:20:35,529
ANNOUNCER: Attention visitors.
The Minotaur has been defeated.
427
00:20:35,530 --> 00:20:37,445
The labyrinth is now closed.
428
00:20:37,446 --> 00:20:38,905
Cut me loose, asshole!
429
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:41,866
ANNOUNCER: If you're still alive,
please find the nearest exit.
430
00:20:41,867 --> 00:20:44,537
Thank you.
And we hope you enjoyed your visit.
431
00:20:44,538 --> 00:20:45,866
I did!
432
00:20:47,915 --> 00:20:50,165
[sighs] Alright, for serious.
433
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:53,047
We'll both throw them back on three.
Promise?
434
00:20:53,545 --> 00:20:55,875
One, two, three.
435
00:20:55,881 --> 00:20:57,381
See ya, sucker!
436
00:20:57,799 --> 00:20:58,719
[gasps]
437
00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,884
[laughing]
438
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,925
God dammit!
439
00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:08,555
[horse whinnies]
440
00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:11,896
[warriors shouting, swords clanging]
441
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,105
Oh no!
442
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:15,436
[dramatic soundtrack plays]
443
00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:18,572
- The Assassin is here.
- [sword fighting continues]
444
00:21:20,489 --> 00:21:24,449
If anyone touched my stuff,
I'm literally going to kill somebody!
445
00:21:38,257 --> 00:21:39,557
Where are you going?
446
00:21:40,634 --> 00:21:43,854
It's been fun,
but I have a life outside the maze.
447
00:21:44,805 --> 00:21:46,965
Holden, don't do this.
Don't leave.
448
00:21:46,974 --> 00:21:50,444
I... I have a fiancée.
449
00:21:51,186 --> 00:21:52,686
- What?
- Ruben...
450
00:21:52,688 --> 00:21:54,568
Just go, man. Go!
451
00:21:59,695 --> 00:22:02,315
This maze will always be ours.
452
00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:11,664
[sighs]
453
00:22:11,665 --> 00:22:12,965
[sniffles]
454
00:22:13,792 --> 00:22:15,092
[sighing]
455
00:22:22,968 --> 00:22:24,268
Whew...
456
00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:26,312
[sniffles]
457
00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:28,606
[sighing]
458
00:22:41,236 --> 00:22:45,316
Those peaches were pretty gross.
459
00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:50,618
CHILD: That was amazing.
460
00:22:50,621 --> 00:22:51,621
[ball beeping]
461
00:22:51,622 --> 00:22:53,212
[loser sound effect plays]
32838
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