All language subtitles for Crossing Swords - 01x09 - The A-Moooo-Zing Race.WEBRip.x264-ION10.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:02,996 ♪ 2 00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:08,766 [gasps] 3 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,601 Where am I? What's happening? 4 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,345 Hello? 5 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,680 Someone help me! 6 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,024 [voice echoing] 7 00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:24,106 Whoever you are, you don't scare me, okay? 8 00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:27,485 I'm a real handful. Just wait and see. 9 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:30,156 Eight of my last nine captors killed themselves. 10 00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:32,656 The ninth one died of gout. 11 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,496 God dammit, do you know who I am? 12 00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,327 - [sobbing] - [footsteps pounding] 13 00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:43,132 MINOTAUR: Oh, I know exactly who you are, 14 00:00:43,133 --> 00:00:45,086 Princess Blossom. [snorts] 15 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:51,175 The question you should be asking is who am I? 16 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:55,555 Welcome to the womb of the maze to which I am banished for eternity. 17 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:59,056 The labyrinth of death where I feast upon the souls 18 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,644 who dare to venture its depths! 19 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:04,855 Much as I'd love to gobble you up in this very moment, 20 00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,397 I've given my word to wait. 21 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,945 But only for one day's time. And then... 22 00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:14,365 you will be mine! 23 00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:16,486 [gasping] 24 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,663 And... scene. 25 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,705 [screaming] 26 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,709 [scream echoing] 27 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,928 And when our carriage arrived at the academy, 28 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,599 they told us Princess Blossom wasn't there. 29 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,350 She must have just disappeared on the road between here and school. 30 00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,352 Why weren't you riding with her? 31 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:47,481 She won't let us. Fern gets carsick. 32 00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,692 [whimpers] Out of both ends. 33 00:01:49,693 --> 00:01:52,612 My sweet petal! We must find her. 34 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,864 This is awful, Broth. 35 00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:59,995 If someone's kidnapping beautiful maidens, my girlfriend Sloane could be next. 36 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,333 Uh, I think you're fine. 37 00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:08,254 Your majesties. A letter from Blossom's captor. 38 00:02:08,255 --> 00:02:10,591 "You have 24 hours to abdicate the throne 39 00:02:10,592 --> 00:02:12,129 or your daughter will be eaten." 40 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,174 Oh God! 41 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:16,675 I'm not playing any damn games. I'm sending in special ops. 42 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:20,138 - We don't know where to send them. - The return address says... 43 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,140 "Minotaur's Labyrinth"? 44 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,230 [Queen Tulip gasps] 45 00:02:23,231 --> 00:02:25,227 Send in the whole goddamn army. 46 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:28,019 The army was nearly wiped out by the plague. 47 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:31,362 And if we lost the remainder, the kingdom would be defenseless. 48 00:02:31,363 --> 00:02:35,110 Time's running out. Merriman, we've got to do something, anything! 49 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:38,283 All right, the plan man's got a new plan. 50 00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:44,036 Huh. Whoever saves the princess from the labyrinth 51 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,539 gets one million dollars? 52 00:02:45,541 --> 00:02:48,211 Whoo-hoo! I can finally go to college. 53 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,339 MINOTAUR: Time is the cruelest master, 54 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,590 unforgiving in its constant... 55 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:58,594 Aaah! Fuck, fuck! I burned my fucking hoof. 56 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:01,005 Shit. This isn't my usual torch. 57 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,393 - I'm not... - Amateur. 58 00:03:02,394 --> 00:03:07,101 A real performer would never blame props for their shitty performance. 59 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:10,192 You don't know the pressure of delivering an epic monologue. 60 00:03:10,193 --> 00:03:12,480 Oh, you think I don't know your world? 61 00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:16,320 [light switch clangs] I'm Princess fucking Blossom. 62 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,406 I've been kidnapped by the best 63 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:21,447 and witnessed villainous diatribes from them all. 64 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:22,577 The derivative. 65 00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:23,698 The brilliant. 66 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,294 The guy who died of gout halfway through. 67 00:03:26,295 --> 00:03:28,499 He left it all on the stage. 68 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,294 You think I can't recognize talent? 69 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:35,214 I could take your sorry ass from Minotaur to Minostar, 70 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,135 but you're not worth it! 71 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,814 Please. Teach me! 72 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,807 Get me a new pee bucket and I'll consider it. 73 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:48,144 Mmm... 74 00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:49,685 Oh, Patrick. 75 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:53,568 I can't believe you're risking your neck to save that little psychopath. 76 00:03:53,569 --> 00:03:55,276 [sighs] It's my job, Sloane. 77 00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,857 You're so brave. 78 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,282 It would be rude to disagree. 79 00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,415 Ugh. 80 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:03,626 [horse whinnies] 81 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,998 [whispering] Broth, the princess is so fuckin' dead. 82 00:04:06,999 --> 00:04:10,416 I'm the worst squire alive. I've cocked up every single assignment. 83 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,917 Patrick, when in doubt, just remember the Viking motto: 84 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,589 "Fake it until you make it." 85 00:04:14,590 --> 00:04:16,668 Is that really the Viking motto? 86 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:18,933 I have in fact forgot the Viking motto, 87 00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:22,386 however I am faking it until I am making it. 88 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,972 ♪ 89 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:30,898 [Blarney chuckles] 90 00:04:30,899 --> 00:04:32,806 Blarney? What are you doing here? 91 00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:36,784 Can I interest anyone in a minotaur balloon animal? 92 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,495 [balloon squeaking] 93 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,700 [air squeaking] 94 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,201 - [pop!] - [clown horn honks] 95 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,453 Weird group. 96 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,504 There's that psychopath who sells yeti pelts. 97 00:04:49,505 --> 00:04:53,838 Mama's sleepin' under a silky smooth minotaur blanket tonight. 98 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:55,666 Yeah-eah! 99 00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:56,961 BOTH: Slapjack Flip! 100 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,174 [western soundtrack playing] 101 00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:05,429 He rides alone. 102 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:10,100 Ho-ho-ho! Mr. Slapjack. Do you want to be partners with me? 103 00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:11,435 I ride alone. 104 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,476 BROTH: He rides alone, Trina. Jesus! 105 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,520 [horn blows] 106 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:16,983 Gather round. 107 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:20,903 The Million Dollar Minotaur Challenge is about to commence. 108 00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:23,823 On my mark, the contestants will enter the... 109 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:27,544 Trina Franklins! 110 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,328 - [cheering] - Oh, what the hell! 111 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,958 Hold up now. Listen up, squires. 112 00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,679 I don't think you're ready for the labyrinth 113 00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:38,209 and you will 1,000 percent die in there, 114 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,922 but if you should rescue the princess, 115 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,843 you'll earn this Damsel-in-Distress merit badge. 116 00:05:41,844 --> 00:05:44,051 - Oh, wow! - I want it so much! 117 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,052 - It's mine. - [Minotaur roars] 118 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,064 [challengers screaming] 119 00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:51,389 This was a bad idea. We're out. 120 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,439 Last chance to back out. 121 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,267 Blossom needs us. Maybe if we all stick together... 122 00:05:56,273 --> 00:06:00,073 As much fun as that sounds, there's no way I'm splitting that million. 123 00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,702 Let's go get that ménage à trois! 124 00:06:02,703 --> 00:06:04,106 Minotaur. Idiot. 125 00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:10,244 Minotaur made out of balloons? 126 00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:11,245 [cackling] 127 00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,536 [pop!] Fucking asshole! 128 00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:17,460 This is fun. It reminds me of a school field trip. 129 00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:20,381 Yeah, my school field trips always sucked pretty hard. 130 00:06:20,382 --> 00:06:22,760 Most of the kids were on an agriculture track. 131 00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:26,759 FARMER: And lastly, don't ever lead a cow upstairs. 132 00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,472 They can't get back down. You might think it's a fun prank, 133 00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:32,023 and then there's a dead cow in your third-floor walk-up. 134 00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:33,347 KIDS: Oh! 135 00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:35,898 - Blehh! - [cow moos] 136 00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:43,359 - [screams] - Still think this is a fun field trip? 137 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,662 Tell that to ol' No-Face over there. 138 00:06:45,663 --> 00:06:47,316 [gasps] Kitty! 139 00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,950 [meow echoes] 140 00:06:48,951 --> 00:06:52,870 Okay, kitty, whose voice I can hear in my head, I'll come with you. 141 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:56,040 Broth, the cat's an illusion. The labyrinth wants to lure you away. 142 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,541 [meowing] 143 00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:58,963 He says his name is Branmilk. 144 00:06:58,964 --> 00:07:02,671 - Broth! - BROTH: Branmilk! Wait up for Daddy! 145 00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:04,632 [doors clang] 146 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,300 Uhh... He's gone. 147 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,928 [clanging] 148 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,429 Honestly, fuck this maze. 149 00:07:15,811 --> 00:07:19,401 So are we ever gonna talk about how we got past the smashy things? 150 00:07:19,402 --> 00:07:21,858 No, we are not. 151 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,986 Uh... say you win this contest, Patrick. 152 00:07:24,987 --> 00:07:26,667 What would you spend the million bucks on? 153 00:07:26,691 --> 00:07:30,910 Oh. You-you know the king doesn't have a million dollars, right? 154 00:07:30,911 --> 00:07:32,739 Sorry, what? 155 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,288 Yeah. The kingdom is super broke. 156 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:39,709 So you walked into this hellhole out of a sense of duty? 157 00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:41,800 Of course. The princess needs us. 158 00:07:41,801 --> 00:07:43,875 Damn. I'm impressed. 159 00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:46,591 We could use more squires like you, Patrick. 160 00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,676 Wow. Thanks. 161 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:51,257 Wait, aren't you here out of a sense of duty too? 162 00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:54,642 I have five kids, so no, I was absolutely doing it for the money. 163 00:07:54,643 --> 00:07:56,311 Good luck saving Princess Twatsnatch. 164 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,728 Ah, shit! 165 00:07:58,729 --> 00:08:01,189 Sergeant Meghan! No! 166 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:06,068 Sands pass, marking the hours of the... 167 00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,905 I mean, the dwindling hours of the... 168 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:12,656 "Marking the dwindling hours of your youth." 169 00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:16,159 God dammit! Get off-book or get off the stage, all right? 170 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,373 [retches] Oh, God, you make me sick. 171 00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,077 I'm trying. 172 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,376 [Blossom retching] 173 00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:26,417 I thought I was training an actor, not a trier! 174 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,263 [taps stick] Again! 175 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,930 - [gasps] Who dares...? - En garde! 176 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:36,140 Oh. It's just a squire. 177 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:39,439 And you're one of those forest dwelling antiheroes. 178 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,806 Going to give the reward money to the poor? 179 00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:45,279 Ha. Psych. That was a fake laugh. I'd rather set the money on fire. 180 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,735 But I suppose you're here out of the goodness of your heart. 181 00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:49,566 Ha. If I win, I'm going to... 182 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:52,660 BOTH: ...commission a marble statue of myself doing pushups 183 00:08:52,661 --> 00:08:56,368 to promote my lifestyle brand, which I'll then leverage into my own talk show 184 00:08:56,370 --> 00:09:00,580 dedicated to poorly researched health and beauty tips. 185 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,418 The name's Ruben. 186 00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:05,719 Holden. 187 00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:07,878 Well, see you around. 188 00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:10,257 [clangs] 189 00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:14,723 Guess I'm going your way instead. Try to keep up, old man. 190 00:09:14,724 --> 00:09:19,771 Old? [chuckles] I dare you to find one gray pube on this body. 191 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,569 PATRICK: Is that painting flirting with me? 192 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,700 Hmm. Nope. I don't get art. 193 00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:37,660 - [clang!] - MULTIPLE VOICES: Welcome to the hall 194 00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:40,329 of emotional destruction, Patrick. 195 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:44,917 We'll destroy you until you destroy yourself! 196 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,168 [voices giggle] 197 00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:48,258 CORAL: You're a failure, Patrick. 198 00:09:48,259 --> 00:09:51,085 RUBEN: Look at the sadness and destruction you've caused. 199 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:56,136 BLARNEY: I heard you blackmailed your king. 200 00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:58,218 Technically, yes. 201 00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,892 CORAL: You crushed our father's dreams. 202 00:10:00,893 --> 00:10:04,562 All he ever wanted was to see a Kraken, and I blew it up. 203 00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:07,483 RUBEN: You discovered a democracy in the clouds, 204 00:10:07,484 --> 00:10:09,482 and it ended in genocide. 205 00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:13,196 It's true! We killed them all. 206 00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:16,866 CORAL: You murdered the one true love of the girl you're trying to save. 207 00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:20,367 Oh my god. How long do these career highlights go on? 208 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:24,207 [trio laughing] 209 00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:25,288 [Patrick groans] 210 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:29,086 [laughter continues] 211 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,207 Oh, no! 212 00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:32,173 Damn, I'm impressed. 213 00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:35,259 We could use more squires like you, Patrick. 214 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:39,930 You're wrong, Sergeant Meghan. You're wrong and... 215 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,732 You're never wrong. 216 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:46,479 That blackmail? 217 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,730 That was to save you, you fuckin' ingrate. Hyah! 218 00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:53,110 I didn't ruin Dad's big dream. 219 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:56,739 His big dream was about to eat his ass. 220 00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:57,820 Hyah! 221 00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,326 And I didn't slaughter those Wispies. 222 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,787 Hyah! I was chasing our runaway King. 223 00:11:03,789 --> 00:11:06,789 Hyah! And I didn't kill Keefer. 224 00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,918 I saved Blossom. 225 00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:12,169 Keefer just happened to perform in a fuckin' death trap 226 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,589 on a nightly basis. 227 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,466 Maybe I'm not perfect, 228 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:20,717 but I'd rather be an imperfect squire than a successful pirate. 229 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:22,807 Or bandit. Or grifter. 230 00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:25,226 So you can all fuck off! 231 00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,727 TRIO: Noooo! 232 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:30,818 He's immune to our psychological warfare! 233 00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,404 Whew. That was cathartic. 234 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:39,068 ♪ Who's the greatest pirate on the big blue sea? ♪ 235 00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:41,492 ♪ Coral, Coral ♪ 236 00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:44,328 ♪ Who's the greatest captain In the whole navy... ♪ 237 00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:45,329 Oh shit. 238 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,707 Admiral Javier Killgore. 239 00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:49,998 Coral the Pirate Queen. 240 00:11:50,002 --> 00:11:51,502 How's your warship doing? 241 00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:53,254 Well, Mrs. Rhetorical. 242 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,755 It fucking sank after you shot it. 243 00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,047 Hmm. 244 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,760 [spurs jingling] 245 00:12:04,016 --> 00:12:05,886 Ooh! I'm lost. 246 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:08,144 I did not have a good plan. 247 00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:10,515 Sorry, kid. I ride alone. 248 00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,607 But why? Whoops! 249 00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:14,188 [gagging] 250 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,778 Ohh, that's why he rode alone. 251 00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:19,989 [straining] 252 00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:22,330 RUBEN: Over to the peach tree. Hup, hup. 253 00:12:22,331 --> 00:12:24,366 Whoo! Good thing I stretched. 254 00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:26,159 Ooh. Peach? 255 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:28,206 Magical maze fruit? 256 00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:29,497 You sure you should eat that? 257 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:30,799 What, are you scared? 258 00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:34,298 Yecch! 259 00:12:34,299 --> 00:12:39,506 Uggh! Oh, my God. What the fuck is in that? 260 00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:43,888 Ooop. That is not peach juice. It's semen. 261 00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:46,229 The peaches are filled with semen. All of them. 262 00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:48,015 Semen-filled peaches. 263 00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:50,018 Goddamn, this maze is a freakshow. 264 00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:51,980 You've, um, got some jizz on your shirt. 265 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,740 [sighs] 266 00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:58,239 Hey now? We having an ab-off? 267 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,986 Where'd you get that gorgeous scar? 268 00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:03,699 A real asshole named Patrick. 269 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:06,035 I hate a guy named Patrick too. 270 00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:07,336 [Holden gasps] 271 00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,633 [romantic music playing] 272 00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,259 Ladies first. 273 00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:22,844 Aha! 274 00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:25,175 [chuckles] The joke's on you. 275 00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,430 I've got your wallet! 276 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:29,482 Damn it. I have your wallet. 277 00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:34,437 - Oh! Oh! - Oh, yeah, yeah, fuck! 278 00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:36,649 [groaning] 279 00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:39,277 Use the peach! Use it! Use the peach! 280 00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:41,404 Oh, fuck! Hah! Hah! Hah! 281 00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:44,365 HOLDEN: Oh, fuck, that feels good! 282 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,292 [sighs] 283 00:13:48,704 --> 00:13:50,997 Well, there's no way that bridge isn't evil. 284 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,298 [sword clangs] 285 00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:54,749 Oh... 286 00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:56,051 [gasps] 287 00:13:57,713 --> 00:14:01,799 Only those who are true of heart may pass. 288 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,850 Really? That's it? Not even a cover charge? 289 00:14:04,851 --> 00:14:07,635 Okay, one true heart, coming through. 290 00:14:09,141 --> 00:14:10,441 Waah! 291 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:12,733 [gasping] 292 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,983 [creatures snarling] 293 00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,317 [gasping] 294 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,280 - [creatures snarling] - Whaaa! 295 00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:29,203 My heart is true, you dumb fuckin' bridge! 296 00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:31,545 Right? 297 00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:39,127 As I said, only those who are true of heart may pass. 298 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,629 What are you talking about? 299 00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:46,302 I've been shitting my pants all day in a haunted murder maze 300 00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,313 and there isn't even any reward. 301 00:14:48,314 --> 00:14:49,845 No reward? 302 00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:52,725 Isn't a knighthood what you covet most? 303 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,096 Saving the princess would sure help. 304 00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:56,437 Oh, my God. 305 00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:59,438 I only want to be a knight to help people in need. 306 00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:03,236 Oh? You're not trying to impress your parents? 307 00:15:03,237 --> 00:15:06,656 Everyone, literally everyone, wants to impress their parents. 308 00:15:06,657 --> 00:15:09,947 You say you're true of heart, but aren't you really down here 309 00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:12,999 trying to look like a big shot in front of Sloane? 310 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:17,536 Haven't you ever heard of a win-win, you dumbass fuckin' water wall? 311 00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:19,335 Let me through. 312 00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:20,746 Waaaah! 313 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,761 [creatures snarling] 314 00:15:23,674 --> 00:15:25,054 BLOSSOM: Five minutes, curtains up. 315 00:15:25,055 --> 00:15:27,510 - Thank you five. - Alright, let's warm up your instrument. 316 00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:31,595 BOTH: ♪ Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ 317 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:36,518 - Ha... ha... - BOTH: ♪ Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ 318 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,187 Ha... ha... ha... 319 00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,147 ♪ Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah... ♪ 320 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:43,488 Haaaaaaaaa! 321 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,029 Only those who are true of heart... 322 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:50,700 You made your point, dickhead. I'm human garbage. 323 00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:54,201 But how does anyone ever pass your test? It's impossible. 324 00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:56,122 [Blossom screams] 325 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:59,333 Blossom! She needs help. Please! 326 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:02,594 Look, I don't need a reward, or glory, or anything. 327 00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:06,674 I'll prove it. Take my life instead of hers. 328 00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,885 I'll die an anonymous pile of bones. 329 00:16:08,886 --> 00:16:12,676 I don't care. I don't need credit, no fancy statues in my honor. 330 00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:18,271 She's scared and in danger and saving her is all I care about. 331 00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:21,608 And that's the truth. 332 00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:29,822 It turns out your heart is true. You may pass. 333 00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:32,074 So, we have a deal? 334 00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,195 I'm merely a gatekeeper, Patrick. 335 00:16:34,203 --> 00:16:37,713 Who lives and who dies is now in your hands. 336 00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:45,423 Princess! I'm here to save you. 337 00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,715 Showtime, baby. 338 00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:49,016 You're ready. 339 00:16:52,471 --> 00:16:53,596 [snorts] 340 00:16:53,597 --> 00:16:55,427 Oh shit. 341 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,058 You've faced yourself, 342 00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,685 but now you face the final challenge, 343 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,436 the invincible nightmare men call 344 00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,774 the mighty Minotaur! 345 00:17:04,775 --> 00:17:07,815 [roaring, snarling] 346 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,196 Oh, how embarrassing for you. 347 00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:11,777 You've wet your knickers. 348 00:17:11,782 --> 00:17:13,699 What? No I haven't. 349 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:17,200 Oh, well, I'll... just keep going. 350 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:21,964 Soon your screams will fill the air and your flesh shall fill my belly! 351 00:17:21,965 --> 00:17:25,749 [snarling] 352 00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:28,130 Now? How about now? A little pee? 353 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,841 Do you want me to pee my pants? 354 00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:31,889 It's not gonna happen. Move on! 355 00:17:31,890 --> 00:17:34,295 He should be drowning in his own pee by now. 356 00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:37,223 Oh my God, this is a train wreck. Can you just stay on script? 357 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,308 Stop yelling at me! 358 00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:42,309 Pee for me, you little shit! [roars] 359 00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:44,105 [Patrick screams] 360 00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,816 What do I do? Think, Patrick, think. 361 00:17:46,817 --> 00:17:48,567 - [Minotaur snarling] - Yaah! 362 00:17:48,569 --> 00:17:50,149 Olé, bitch! 363 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,663 - [thuds] - MINOTAUR: Huh? 364 00:17:51,664 --> 00:17:53,025 Uh, now what? 365 00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:57,951 Don't ever lead a cow upstairs... upstairs... upstairs. 366 00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:02,623 Minotaurs are half bull. That's basically a cow. I hope. 367 00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:03,666 [panting] 368 00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:05,585 Come and get me! 369 00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:07,666 [grunting] 370 00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,921 - [Patrick gasps] - [Minotaur grunting] 371 00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:11,674 Haaa! 372 00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:13,215 [clang!] Haaah! 373 00:18:15,596 --> 00:18:17,136 Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... 374 00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:20,979 This is exactly how my cousin Ron died in that third-floor walk-up. 375 00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:25,855 [yowls, hisses] 376 00:18:25,856 --> 00:18:29,686 Aw, Branmilk doesn't want to get wet. I'll keep you dry, dude. 377 00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:32,195 I get it, man, I hate baths too. 378 00:18:32,196 --> 00:18:34,106 - Thanks, Broth. - You got it, Broth. 379 00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,034 Eh... 380 00:18:38,035 --> 00:18:39,905 And easy does it. 381 00:18:39,912 --> 00:18:42,246 There we go. Gently. 382 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,787 You fail! F-minus. 383 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,381 You're still holding back on me. 384 00:18:46,382 --> 00:18:48,166 No, I'm not! 385 00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:50,460 I am a star... 386 00:18:50,464 --> 00:18:52,424 [screaming] 387 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,759 [crash!] 388 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,344 [sighs, moans] 389 00:18:56,345 --> 00:18:58,215 I wasn't built for stairs. 390 00:18:58,222 --> 00:18:59,309 [Minotaur groans] 391 00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:01,426 - [dramatic fanfare plays] - Assassin! 392 00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:03,523 That's the Assassin's insignia. 393 00:19:03,524 --> 00:19:06,059 Are you working together? 394 00:19:06,063 --> 00:19:09,899 [weakly] While the kingdom's heroes rescued Blossom... 395 00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:12,610 who was defending the castle? 396 00:19:12,611 --> 00:19:17,198 For years, I stumbled in darkness, but now I see the light. 397 00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,408 Yes, yes. Bring it home. 398 00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:24,497 You kneel to false gods, who sit on stolen thrones. 399 00:19:24,498 --> 00:19:27,078 No longer will we live in the shadows. 400 00:19:27,084 --> 00:19:30,294 All hail the one true queen. 401 00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:31,585 All hail... 402 00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,378 PELT SELLER: Gimme that pelt! 403 00:19:33,382 --> 00:19:34,757 [Minotaur shrieking] 404 00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:36,798 - What the fuck?! - Jesus Christ! 405 00:19:36,802 --> 00:19:39,595 [groaning] 406 00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:42,096 [cackling] Yes! Yes! 407 00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,599 [cackling] 408 00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:47,228 Uh... um, I'll get you out of there. 409 00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:48,896 Was I teaching him? 410 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:52,437 Or was he teaching me all along? 411 00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:53,742 [cat cry echoing] 412 00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,704 - [mouse squeaking] - [cat purring] 413 00:19:56,705 --> 00:19:58,317 [cat meows] 414 00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:01,784 Oh. That's what you wanted. 415 00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:03,035 [meows] 416 00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:06,496 Ah, I mean, uh, if you say so. 417 00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,292 Mm, mm... 418 00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:10,593 PATRICK: Yaah! 419 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:15,381 For his final curtain call, he really slayed it. 420 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,301 [sobbing] 421 00:20:18,302 --> 00:20:20,552 Bravo! 422 00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:23,351 Blossom, snap out of it. The castle is in danger. 423 00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:26,267 Look, getting kidnapped is very traumatic. 424 00:20:26,268 --> 00:20:28,478 Don't judge my coping mechanism. 425 00:20:29,897 --> 00:20:31,897 - [light switch clangs] - What the...? 426 00:20:31,899 --> 00:20:35,529 ANNOUNCER: Attention visitors. The Minotaur has been defeated. 427 00:20:35,530 --> 00:20:37,445 The labyrinth is now closed. 428 00:20:37,446 --> 00:20:38,905 Cut me loose, asshole! 429 00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:41,866 ANNOUNCER: If you're still alive, please find the nearest exit. 430 00:20:41,867 --> 00:20:44,537 Thank you. And we hope you enjoyed your visit. 431 00:20:44,538 --> 00:20:45,866 I did! 432 00:20:47,915 --> 00:20:50,165 [sighs] Alright, for serious. 433 00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:53,047 We'll both throw them back on three. Promise? 434 00:20:53,545 --> 00:20:55,875 One, two, three. 435 00:20:55,881 --> 00:20:57,381 See ya, sucker! 436 00:20:57,799 --> 00:20:58,719 [gasps] 437 00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,884 [laughing] 438 00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,925 God dammit! 439 00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:08,555 [horse whinnies] 440 00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:11,896 [warriors shouting, swords clanging] 441 00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,105 Oh no! 442 00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:15,436 [dramatic soundtrack plays] 443 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:18,572 - The Assassin is here. - [sword fighting continues] 444 00:21:20,489 --> 00:21:24,449 If anyone touched my stuff, I'm literally going to kill somebody! 445 00:21:38,257 --> 00:21:39,557 Where are you going? 446 00:21:40,634 --> 00:21:43,854 It's been fun, but I have a life outside the maze. 447 00:21:44,805 --> 00:21:46,965 Holden, don't do this. Don't leave. 448 00:21:46,974 --> 00:21:50,444 I... I have a fiancée. 449 00:21:51,186 --> 00:21:52,686 - What? - Ruben... 450 00:21:52,688 --> 00:21:54,568 Just go, man. Go! 451 00:21:59,695 --> 00:22:02,315 This maze will always be ours. 452 00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:11,664 [sighs] 453 00:22:11,665 --> 00:22:12,965 [sniffles] 454 00:22:13,792 --> 00:22:15,092 [sighing] 455 00:22:22,968 --> 00:22:24,268 Whew... 456 00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:26,312 [sniffles] 457 00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:28,606 [sighing] 458 00:22:41,236 --> 00:22:45,316 Those peaches were pretty gross. 459 00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:50,618 CHILD: That was amazing. 460 00:22:50,621 --> 00:22:51,621 [ball beeping] 461 00:22:51,622 --> 00:22:53,212 [loser sound effect plays] 32838

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