Original subtitles

[crow cawing]

Those two died in a 69 position. Ho ho ho!

Tulip, look.

Ooh! That's hilarious.

Blinkerquartz, why is the plague so much worse this year?

Perhaps it was those mysterious bodies that fell from the sky last week.

How many times must I apologize for that?

- Once. Once would be good. - Never.

PATRICK: King Merriman!

[screams] Angel of Death!

[grunts]

Squire, what's the report? How bad is it?

So many people who've had the best years of their lives

ripped away from them, who never got the chance to love,

to start a family.

Oh. At least the plague's not inside the castle.

[man coughing, gagging]

On that note, everyone pack your shit. We're getting the hell out of town.

[spirited theme song playing]

You know, Broth, seeing that bigamist die right in front of me

really made me think.

He has two families, and I've never even been in love.

It's because you're afraid to take risks, man.

Throw caution to the wind, no fear.

Huh. You're right.

I should ask Sloane to the Squire Formal.

What? No. Eww!

I meant we should jump off a castle into a bonfire.

You and me, man: Stunt Budz!

[dramatic fanfare plays]

Hey, there she is now.

Wow-wow-woo-wee-wa! Check out the pails on Sloane.

Hi, Sloane.

[Sloan groans]

Oh. Hi, Patrick. Hi, Broth.

'Sup?

Uh... I won't see you for a while.

I'm headed out of town with the royal family

until the plague dies down.

[Sloane groans]

Oh. That's cool.

Yeah. Yeah, so, I, uh, wanted to ask you, um, uh...

- Uh-huh. [straining] - Uh, if you... like...

pails?

Ah! No, I do not like pails.

Oh. Okay.

Uggh!

Was that as bad as I think it was?

That was the flirting equivalent of a papercut on my sunburned dick.

Never do your taxes at the beach.

The other kings have refused to take us in.

They're mad that you ruined Chill Society.

Jeez. Still?

Yes, kings love to hold a grudge. You know.

I'll never forgive them for that. Where are we supposed to go now?

Well, at least my parents are safe. They're on their annual ski trip.

Without you? Did you get banned from family vacation

for head-butting the activities director into a pool, too?

No. No, me-me either.

Anyway, the plague can't survive up in the mountains, it's too cold.

Hmm. Patrick, tell the driver how to get to that lodge.

Blinkerquartz, pack my skis.

- Oh, God, no. - Hell, yeah!

ANNOUNCER: Stunt Budz, Winter Edition!

♪

[Blossom whining]

Now, Blossom, think of it as a family vacation.

It's fun!

I can't believe you pulled me out of school.

We've been catfishing Principal Tatum for weeks

and she's so close to thinking her ex-husband wants her back.

I wish you put as much effort into your grades

as you do gaslighting sad adult women.

[screeches] I learned it from watching you!

[grunting indignantly]

Come back, darling. You'll freeze to death!

I'd rather die than be stuck on top of the mountain with you!

Don't worry, Your Majesty, I'll go get her.

[grunts]

[whispering] Princess Blossom.

[whispering] I can fucking read.

Please, go back to your parents.

No. My mom is a huge bitch.

Fine. Don't go back, then.

I know what reverse fucking psychology is, Patrick.

Goddamn it, let's go.

Come and get me, then, you little pussy-assed bitch.

[Blossom snickers]

[still whispering] Come on, get back here.

Please! Stop it!

Uggh!

[shouting] Fuck you, Patrickkkkk!

[snow rumbling]

Oh, shit.

Waaaaah!

[door slams]

God, are we going or what?

Has anyone seen Patrick?

Eh, he's got the squirts and said we should go on without him.

Yeah. Sounds like Patrick. So selfless.

[whip cracks, horse whinnies]

[whinnies]

[romantic music playing]

Oh, Glenn, I love our annual ski retreat.

Me too, Doreen.

Here's to fresh powder, fine wine...

And free mustache rides.

Saddle up!

BOTH: Mwah!

[door opens]

In the name of the king, I declare this ski lodge party central.

[crowd cheering]

- Oh, hell no, not this blowhard. - Now, honey, give it a chance.

This could be fun.

He shouldn't take any ski trips

until he fixes the big pothole in front of our house.

I saw a horse drown in it the other day.

Oh.

[upbeat jazz playing]

[laughing]

Mom, I'm bored!

Can I have wine?

No. Read a book!

- [Blossom scoffs] - Fuck!

- Stunt Budz! - [dramatic fanfare plays]

Uggh!

[gasping]

Pfft!

Agggh.

Yeah. You can't kill me, snow.

I refuse to die.

Yaa! Yaa! Yaaaa!

[wolves snarling]

[gasps] Oh.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

[screams]

[wolves howling]

You can't take a bite out of my ass,

but you can suck on these balls!

[relieved sigh]

[gasps]

[sighs]

[strains]

Wow!

I bet a beautiful ice princess lives here.

[sniffs] Uggh!

And she keeps cat shit in a pizza box?

Uggh!

[dramatic music playing]

[groans]

"Norah Small."

Looks like somebody turned your castle into a dump.

NORAH: Ah, get away from my treasures!

Oooh!

[grunts] Who just burns other people's stuff?

You're a psycho!

Your stuff? You're Norah Small?

Yes. You ruined this.

How will I remember if the high school production of "Midsummer"

got a good review?

It did. Ugh! Who are you?

Did my mother send you? 'Cause I'm totally fine.

No. No one sent me. My name's Patrick.

Please don't eat me!

I'm not eating you, I'm keeping you.

No, no, wait.

We could just hang out, like friends.

- Uggh! - They can be your friends.

That's Darnell and that's Rita.

[door slams]

[party music playing]

[groans]

Grown-up parties are so cringe-y.

Hey, check it out. I'm lampshade-on-head party guy.

I'm fun now.

I found the pantry.

First one to eat all the food wins.

- Haaaaa! - Uggh!

Great plan: eat all our fuckin' food.

Before you know it, we'll be eating each other.

Lighten up, it's a plague party!

[door opens]

I have news from the kingdom.

- Is the plague over? - No, mean girl.

Our plague-ologist just upgraded the threat level

from spicy to en fuego!

- [all screaming] - GUEST: We're trapped!

My lampshade is stuck. What's happening?

We must rise from the ashes and start a new society.

As long as I'm king, everything will be great.

[wind whistling]

[guests shivering]

Did anyone bring their fire servant? I left mine at my manor.

We didn't bring ours.

Well we caught ours stealing and put him down!

That's fine, I'll fix it.

I'm your king, after all. [clears throat]

[humming]

And... fire!

[wind howling]

The king can't make fire?

- It's so cold! - I have frostbite.

The king is powerless!

I'm freezing my little titties off, Dad!

[sighs]

- [guests cheering] - GUEST: Yes! You're amazing.

- You rock! - Why, I feel warmer already.

- Jesus, people, it's just a fire. - He got lucky.

Three cheers for Glenn.

I'm going to name my first-born child Glenn.

Thank you, Glenn.

[straining]

Why didn't I ask out Sloane when I had the chance?

Sorry about borrowing your rib, Rita.

Uggh! [rib rattles]

Damn it!

Fifty garlic presses and only one worth a shit...

Oww! Ow, ow, ow, not again.

[Norah sighs]

Oh, if that gets infected, you could lose the whole foot.

I could help you.

But you'd have to open this cage.

Uh... fine.

But don't get any ideas.

You'll get lost and freeze to death without a map.

And that's if the wolves don't get you first.

Fine.

- Ready? One, two... - W-Wait! Wait, oh, oh, oh, wait.

- I'm not ready! [roars] - ...three!

Ohhhh... [sighs] Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, any chance you can help me get home?

Nope. Any time I get rid of something, bad stuff happens.

You're staying right here.

Hmmm!

Hey, here's your garlic press.

[Norah snarls]

Well, maybe it would be easier to find things

if you didn't have so much clutter.

No, no! I need it! I need it all!

Whatever you're afraid of, trust me, you can't let fear hold you back

or you'll regret it.

But my irrational fear actually makes sense.

You see, the last time I threw something out, I lost Craig.

It was a perfect life.

And I kept a perfect house.

Cleaning was my love language.

That and butt stuff.

You see, Craig had a jean jacket from high school, a ratty old thing.

He never even wore it, so one day, into the trash it went.

Then, the morning of the great blizzard,

you know, the one that killed all those Sherpas,

Craig says, "Hey, baby, you seen my old jean jacket?"

And I tell him, "I threw it out weeks ago."

Craig's eyes went black as coal.

He says, "That jacket wasn't just a jacket,

"it was a symbol of the last time I was happy.

"Beast Feast, my senior year.

"The night I met you.

"Before you turned into a woman

"who'd rather dust than dance,

"who'd rather sweep than see a sunset,

who'd rather mop than make love."

And with that, he threw open the door.

"No, Craig," I said, "the blizzard! At least take a jacket."

I found him the next day,

frozen solid.

Ten feet from the door.

- Ahh! - Throwing things out

is how you die alone.

- That feels like a stretch. - I killed Craig! [sobbing]

[Patrick sighs]

Norah, don't make the same mistake I did.

I'm supposed to be this brave squire, but I'm too scared

to even ask out the girl I'm crushing on to the Squire Formal.

Now she could be dead of the plague, for all I know.

But there's still hope for you.

You could conquer your fears and start living your life again.

But how?

Maybe keep one garlic press and throw out the others.

But what if the good one breaks

and I'm over there trying to make garlic knots?!

Then you will buy another.

[sizzling]

LAMPSHADE LADY: Glenn, these ribs are delicious!

If it hadn't been for you, we would have starved to death! Yes!

Ahem!

Eh-eh-eh! We all agreed, if you didn't go on the elk hunt,

you don't get any ribs.

Even Tulip helped.

There's something soothing about ripping flesh away from bone.

[King grumbles] I'm your king and I demand ribs!

LAMPSHADE LADY: Actually, we've been talking and...

we think Glenn should be king.

[suspenseful fanfare playing]

[gagging]

[chuckles] Okay, look.

I'm very flattered, but...

LAMPSHADE LADY: Oh, the new king is so humble.

Merriman, do something!

There's only one way to settle this.

Glenn, I challenge you to a battle of the blades.

En garde!

[guests gasp]

[Broth straining]

Patrick's gonna feel so stupid he missed out on this.

♪ Stunt Budz, Stunt Budz ♪

♪ We're doin' stunts! ♪

♪ But it's just me ♪

♪ There's no other budz... yet ♪

Maybe they just need a little love.

- Norah. - You're breakin' my heart.

[circuit breakers clang]

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Clean your mess, clean your mess ♪

♪ You don't need those used blood tests ♪

♪ You'll never use that toothbrush ♪

♪ Or that rusty old bench press ♪

- ♪ Tiny hats, clumps of hair ♪ - [Patrick laughs]

♪ You were living in despair ♪

♪ It's amazing, so assurin' ♪

♪ When you've poured out jars of urine ♪

♪ Oh, clean your... ♪

No! There was gonna be a kick line!

Haah!

Norah... [sighs] you did it.

No. We did it.

Huh? [chuckles]

[romantic music playing]

PATRICK: Mmmmm...

[romantic music playing]

- [Norah shrieks] - [Patrick groans]

What the hell was that?

Oh, God, I am sorry. I thought you liked me.

I... I just...

I want to experience love.

Like what you had with Craig.

Hey, hey, it's cool. It happens.

You know, after Craig left, I'm not ashamed to admit

I made out with that dresser.

It was Craig's.

It still had his musky scent.

I haven't touched it since he died.

[Patrick sighs]

It's the last step.

Huh. What's this?

He... must have been planning to surprise me.

Are those crotchless?

Oh, Craig, I'll treasure it always.

"To... Carla"?

"Can't wait to rip this off you with my teeth"?

"Love, Craig"?

Carla?

That skank from the bank! That bank skank!

[roaring]

Norah! Stop!

[sighs] I can't believe he was cheating on me.

It makes me feel...

Way less guilty?

Yeah.

Yeah! It wasn't my fault Craig died.

He was a cheating asshole who ran into the middle of a blizzard

without a jacket, and I'm not gonna let him hold me back anymore.

And since you helped me,

I'm gonna help you ask that girl to the dance.

[both snarl]

[cheering]

LAMPSHADE LADY: This battle of the blades

will determine the leader of our new civilization.

- [crowd cheering] - We hope it's Glenn!

[sighs]

[hard rock music playing]

[cheering]

LAMPSHADE LADY: Well, Merriman's superb!

Glenn will have to be flawless.

Good luck beating that.

FYI, Dad: If you don't win, I'm asking King Glenn to adopt me.

[dramatic choral fugue playing]

[Glenn straining]

[crowd screaming ecstatically]

GLENN: Holy fuckballs, I'm gonna be king!

But do I even wanna be king?

Now I'm gonna be the father of a whole nation?

What am I thinking? That's my worst nightmare.

Fuck it!

- Ugggh! - CROWD: Ohh!

- Oh, he blew it! - Glenn lost!

Whoops.

LAMPSHADE LADY: Because Glenn ate shit so hard,

I now pronounce Merriman the winner and still king!

Me? I get to stay king?

Oh, God, it's happening!

[Blossom whines]

King Glenn was gonna let me get my nose pierced.

I'm sorry if I let you down.

You've never missed a quintuple axel in your life.

Aha! I bring news from the kingdom.

The plague is over!

[cheering]

Turns out, it was just a 24-hour thing.

It is safe to return to your homes!

You heard him. Let's get the fuck out of here.

I hope you saved that little black outfit.

Oh. [chuckles]

Oh, no, I definitely threw out my back.

Okay, one more time. Now, deep breaths. Be brave.

[inhales, exhales]

Hi, Sloane.

Hi, Patrick.

[inhales sharply]

Would you like to go to the dance with me?

Oh, my fucking God.

I'd rather eat glass, you walking abortion.

[coughing] Wha... Why would you...

And that's the worst that could happen.

Oh. Ha ha.

Right. Thanks.

Look, you're a great guy, Patrick.

She's gonna say yes, I just know it.

Now, let's get you to that ski lodge.

I just got one stop... [cracking knuckles]

...I need to make on the way.

- [Carla screeching] - This is for fucking my man, Carla!

Here's your gift, homewrecker!

Oh, God!

Okay. Run, run!

[gasping] Ooh!

[jaunty music playing]

Well, this is it, Patrick.

Thanks for everything.

I'll never forget you, Norah.

BROTH: Stunt Budz!

Oh, hey, what was that?

Broth? Ugggh!

- Bye, Norah! Aaaaah... - Bye-bye, Patrick!

[both groaning]

- Aaah... - Stunt Budz are reunited!

- [dramatic fanfare plays] - BROTH: Ha ha!

Ugggh... My fuckin' ribs!

- [horse whinnies] - Hey, Patrick.

All diarrhea'd out? Let's roll.

♪

[Sloane straining]

Patrick, you're back.

And you're alive!

Yeah... Guilty as charged.

How was the royal plague getaway?

Oddly inspiring.

It made me realize there's something I wanna ask you.

And I've been thinking...

Are you trying to ask me to the dance?

Because this is really heavy and my answer is...

♪ Back to school, back to school ♪

♪ Back to emotionally terrorize ♪

♪ Another teacher! ♪

[sighs] Sure.

- Cool. [laughs] - Cool.

Well, I gotta finish packing Blossom's carriage.

See ya.

Huh.

This is the best day of my life.

BLOSSOM: Everybody look.

Patrick's got a boner!

Awwww!

Ha ha! Freak!

Fuck!

Bye, Daddy.

Mother.

Thanks for the worst plague-cation of my fucking life!

Same here. Bye, sweet-pea.

See you at Christmas. Ta-ta.

[passengers whooping]

[carriage rattles]

Uh, driver, can you take it easy on the bumps?

I'm fucking precious cargo, bitch!

- [dramatic flourish plays] - ECHOING VOICES: Assassin!

♪

CHILD: That was amazing.

[ball beeping]

[loser sound effect plays]