Original subtitles

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Ten dollars!

Do I hear ten dollars for Phil?

Come on, people, it's a bachelor auction.

Let's go! A ten-spot for Phil.

Phil your boots with Phil the Thrill.

Look at him Phil those pants!

Come on, I'm running out of Phil puns.

Fine. Ten dollars.

Finally! Sold to Karen Pelly for ten bucks.

- You sweet on Phil, Karen? - No. This was the fastest way

to get him back behind the bar to Phil my glass.

Hey! I thought of another Phil pun!

Moving on. Are you ready for your next

hunk of man meat, ladies?

You're up, Brent. Look sharp.

I feel like I'm wearing neck Spanx.

Come on... I need this fundraiser to raise some funds,

so get out there and shake your money-maker.

I'm not sure my maker was made to make money,

but I'll give it a twirl.

I'd prefer a shake, or a twerk.

Good luck, but so far I've brought in the most money.

Women love a man in uniform.

It's because the shirt and pants match.

The next bachelor in our auction

to raise money for Ike's burned-down barn

is a real barn-burner himself,

though not actually responsible for Ike's recent tragedy.

Brent Leroy!

- Do something sexy! - I thought I was.

But... okay.

Let's start the bidding at $20.

Do I hear 20?

$500!

- Phone bid. - Sold!

No takebacks, final sale, to the mystery phone woman!

We assume it's a woman.

- Probably a blind one. - Huh.

All this time, I've been sitting on

an actual money maker.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

2x06 - Oedipus Hex

Oh. Is that the money from the auction?

Good, because I need to pay for the lumber for Ike's barn.

I thought you put it on your credit card.

I did. I only put it on the card

to get the travel points. But I need to pay it off right away.

I can't be paying interest on a $5,000 balance.

Oh... So the fact that we only raised $2,000

- is not good news? - What? How did we raise less than half?

You said a bachelor auction would bring in a fortune.

And you said you could get Chris Hemsworth as a bachelor.

I said I could get Chris Hadfield. And I did.

What?

I said, my good looks are out of this world.

At any rate, I seem to have left my wallet

out in my spaceship.

Aw, thanks a lot, Emma. Now I'm in debt.

- I'll pay for his coffee. - I mean the lumber.

Maybe you should have waited

till we knew what kind of money we'd raise

before putting it all on your credit card.

It was double points day! And I was trying to be nice.

I was trying to be nice too!

Well, aren't we both just really nice?!

The nicest!

Hey. Watch where you're pointing that thing.

Based on current interest in this thing,

you owe me 50 bucks.

Brent's love life is none of your damn business, Davis!

Come on, tell us who bid on you.

I dunno yet. I got an invite card,

and I'm meeting my mystery date

- for dinner in the city tonight. - Mystery date!

I wonder who it is...

Oh, Brent, please introduce me,

a sexy international supermodel, to your friend Davis.

I love the way his shirt and pants match.

Hmm...

Oh, Brent, Wanda was right, as usual.

She should get a raise.

Hmm.

Oh, Brent, Karen has such a limited imagination.

Did my own brain just burn me?

This mystery woman might be dangerous.

- Want a police escort? - Nice try.

Besides, don't you have a date tonight?

- Who's a hard 70? - Yup. Heading to Helen's now.

Need to pick her up a few things first.

Eggs, milk, four litres of baby oil...

What the hell kind of cake is she making?

Did Helen just bid on you so you would do her shopping?

- No... - She wants him to make

siren noises when he puts away the groceries.

What were you thinking, Emma?

Women buying men like they're pieces of meat.

It's sexist! How's my sandwich coming?

I just wanted to help Ike get money to rebuild his barn.

I try to do something nice for someone,

- and I get my head ripped off. - Nice is for ninnies.

Would it kill you to do

something nice for me once in a while?

Oh, you'd like it to kill me, wouldn't ya?

Where you going?

I'm going to have a nice time somewhere with someone nice.

Who's going to cut my sandwich?

Hey, Hank. how come you weren't

at the bachelor auction last night?

Yeah, with you in the mix,

we could've raised $2,000 and 40 cents.

Oh, uh, I had my own fundraiser for Ike.

- A silent auction. - I never heard about it.

That's why it's called a silent auction.

How much money did you raise?

- 500 bucks. - Hey, that's great!

Give it to me, and I'll add it to the lumber debt.

No way. This isn't for rebuilding Ike's barn.

It's for paying a witch to lift the curse off him.

Hmm, and here I thought there was nothing

left in this town that could surprise me.

I have a couple questions,

number one, what the hell are you talking about?

Ike's had a run of bad luck that just can't be explained.

He was walking and texting,

and unexplainably tripped on a stump.

He also dropped the can of gasoline he was carrying

into a pile of burning leaves beside the barn.

Shortly after that, the barn mysteriously burned down.

Okay, question number two,

what the hell are you talking about?

He's obviously cursed,

so I need a quality witch to get rid of Ike's juju.

- There are no witches in Dog River. - How do you know?

Because I am one, and no one else comes to the meetings.

Hmm... I mean, you do have stringy hair,

and you are kind of pale.

- What? - It's true, Hank.

Lacey comes from a long line of witches.

You see, dissolve to...

Lacey is a descendant from the Puritan minister

George Burroughs.

He was made famous during the Salem witch trials.

He borrowed some money and never paid it back,

which made the villagers angry.

They accused George of being a priest of the devil,

and he was executed on August 19, 1692.

His family changed the spelling of their last name to...

...Burrows with a "W". As in Lacey Burrows.

Whoa. Is that true?

She's a sorceress!

How else does she always have ripe avocados?

Is 500 bucks enough to lift the curse?

- Um... - You gotta do this.

It's a better cause than the magical guacamole.

Okay, fine. I'll lift the hex.

- But keep it on the DL. - Great! Meet me at Ike's farm.

I don't need to tell you when. Your witchy ways will know.

This'll help put a dent in the debt.

Thanks for making up that story, Wanda.

It's totally true.

George Burroughs was a real person. Google it.

And you could be a direct descendant.

- Wait, you believe in witches? - Nope. I just like to argue

the impossible side of an issue sometimes.

Like when I told you that travel points credit card

- was a good idea. - Exactly.

Wait, you what? Oh, dammit!

It's going to pay off!

I'll assume she's gluten intolerant.

Mom? What have I told you about coming on my dates?

- It always makes it clunky. - Extra clunky this time.

- I am your mystery date. - What?

So you phoned yourself and bid on your own son?

Are we on Dateline?

I was worried no one would bid on you.

I didn't want your feelings to get hurt,

- so I started the bidding. - Well, you missed a few steps

between 20 and 500 bucks.

- I got caught up in the frenzy. - You were the frenzy.

Well, this is disappointing.

Pretend I'm not your mother.

We're just two nice people having a nice dinner

- being nice. - I don't know.

Seems a little weird.

- I'm buying. - Garcon?

Wow, you really know how to gather a crowd, Glinda.

Hank! Why are all these people here?

I told you to keep it on the DL.

You did, but I don't know what that means.

Well, now I wish I'd worn a costume.

I have something in the car.

You have a wizard hat in your car?

It's just a traffic cone with some star stickers on it.

What am I supposed to do now? I don't know any spells.

Make up gibberish and dance around.

If they believe the hex is gone, it will be.

Power of suggestion.

Hey, there, Ike!

To the spirit that has cursed Ike.

I say to thee...

"Maka-laka-tucka rucka-nucka-bucka-lucka...

tucka-maka-rucka-lucka nucka-bucka-rucka."

- Isn't that the Macarena? - Legally, it's different enough.

Begone!

- Did it work? - Don't feel any different.

Try to trip on a stump again.

I'm not going to trip over a stump if I can see it.

It worked! Lacey is a witch!

I knew it!

Well, this could go one of two ways.

Aw, even with Hank's 500 witch bucks,

I still won't be able to pay off this credit card right away.

So? Carry a balance for a couple of months.

It's not like your card has a 21% interest rate.

- Oh, wait. - This is your fault!

But I will not let the system beat me.

How many points have you earned so far?

I'm a quarter of the way

to a free flight to Branson, Missouri.

Provided I get myself to Detroit, the City of Departure,

and I don't check a bag.

Yup. You really got 'em by the nards.

Hey, Lacey. My cat won't stop meowing.

Oh, how sad. Is that sad?

Yeah, so could you cast a spell and make it stop?

Bu... I don't really think...

That you could afford her services.

How much does it cost?

Ooh, that's steep, but reasonable.

There's nothing reasonable about any of this.

I'll get my wizard cone.

- So, you met the mystery woman? - Yup.

- How was the date? - Very nice.

So... do you love her now?

- I don't not love her. - So you do love her!

You could say I have feelings for her.

- Are you gonna see her again? - Don't know how I can avoid that.

You sound obsessed. You should call her right now.

Nah, I'm good.

Some woman is finally interested in the likes of you?

Call her now before she regains her sanity.

Okay, fine. I'll call her.

Ah. Calling the day after a date seems desperate.

Text her. That says you're interested,

but not enough to hear her voice.

When did you become a dating expert?

Those who can't do, due to lack of options, teach.

Second date confirmed.

Hello?

Oh, okay. Emma cancelled movie night.

She's going to Helen's to play cards.

- Emma may be trying to ghost you. - How did you know

what movie we were going to watch?

I have to find out who Brent's secret lady is.

Why's this such a craw stuck in your... jaw,

or whatever that saying is.

I should've been the one who brought in 500 bucks.

I'm the only rugged, square-jawed,

single man in town. This is fishy.

There's only one thing for me to do.

Go to Helen's and put away her groceries?

There's two things for me to do. Actually, three.

Whoo! Whoo!

Ah! I am only 200 bucks away from paying off this card.

Who knew everyone in town would be so into my witchy ways?

They're scared of you.

Hmm...

Remember, anything less than a 20% tip

angers the spirit world.

- Oh! - Yeah, of course...

I've got something here...

You know, it's really lovely

spending some one-on-one time with you.

I'm glad Dad pressured me into asking you out

on a second date, and I already regret that wording.

Let's keep our little tryst a secret.

- "Tryst" is even worse wording. - How about "rendezvous"?

How about we change the subject?

Can we get some tiramisu?

Where's Emma?

I'm making coffee and can't find the chocolate pudding.

No idea. She's not here.

She said you'd be playing cards.

Wee-oo! Wee-oo!

- Who you got in there? - Go home, Oscar!

But I need pudding for my coffee!

- Wee-oo! Wee-oo! - Sure looks like thirsty work, Davis.

How about you take off your shirt

- and have some lemonade? - No time.

Gotta find a mystery woman.

I'm right here.

Hello, wife of mine.

Why are you sitting in the dark? Is the clapper broken?

No, it's called drama. Ever heard of it?

I want to know where you've been and what you've been doing.

- I was out with Brent. - Hogwater!

I happen to know Brent was on a date with his mystery woman.

I can believe you're this stupid,

but I can't believe you'd call me a liar.

I'm sorry. I, uh, I trust you completely.

Emma's having an affair!

Follow her and find out who it's with.

Seriously, this is not what the police are for.

Mind you, what else am I doing these days?

Any idea who it is?

That's your job, jackass! But I'll tell you what.

He may look like Brad Clooney

and smell like Ricardo Mintybalm,

but he doesn't have the one thing Emma married me for!

My personality! Now, get sleuthing, Nancy Drew!

Back from a delightful second free meal

with my mystery woman.

Hey, how come you're the only one

not chomping at the bit to know who my mystery woman is?

You want me to imagine you in an amorous liaison?

Okay, gross, I just did, and it's "champing at the bit,"

not "chomping at the bit... " Oh great,

just imagined you with a bit in your mouth.

Hey, why are you going around telling people Lacey's a witch?

You don't believe in that hocus-pocus.

I was just proving argue on the other side of an issue.

Lacey's not lifting curses. She's using the power of suggestion.

She waves her hands, chants some mumbo-jumbo...

- I thought it was "Hocus pocus." - ... and those suckers

believe it's witchcraft and fork over the cash.

Oh, uh...

you did not hear what I just said...

Uh, yeah. I did.

She's not a witch!

She's not a witch! She's not a witch!

Yes, I am! I am totally a witch!

Yup, this was definitely one of two ways I saw this going.

She's not a witch! She's not a witch!

If I'm not a witch,

how do you explain my black hair and this broom?

Genetics, and Home Depot!

All right, make way for the town's most expensive tush.

Look, why don't you drop the charade

- and come clean? - Can't.

I'm still carrying a balance on my credit card.

I just need to pull a couple more tricks.

You should probably call them "spells."

Back me up again, Wanda. They'll believe you.

Too late. I already argued the other side of the issue,

and based on the level of anger in this mob.

I did a damn fine job. Up top!

We want our money back!

Mon-ey back! Mon-ey back!

Oh, fine! Take it!

This is all your fault. Curse you, Wanda!

- Curse you! - Nope, not a witch.

- Power of suggestion. - I'm confused.

Do you believe in this hinkus-dinkus or not?

Yes, 12 long-stem roses to Corner Gas,

and sign the card, "Love, your Mystery Woman."

- Who are you whispering to? - No one.

Just Mable. I mean Mavis.

Avis! I was renting a car.

- Gotta go. - What's your rush, my sweet?

- I made you a cup of coffee. - That's very nice of you.

Is there pudding in this?

There's also a hot bubble bath waiting for you.

Oh, Oscar. That sounds perfect.

Dog River Flower Shop.

Where can we deliver your love and-or condolences?

Straight to hell, jackass!

Emma sent flowers to some juiced-up Valentino.

Can't you arrest her or something?

Are you serious? Dog River has a flower shop?

Sorry, I can't tell you where your wife sent those flowers.

Can we at least look at the order form?

Is this something you should really be spending

- your police hours on? - Not at all.

Hand over the form.

"Tryst or rendezvous, I'll always have you.

Love, your mystery woman."

Is that some kind of French limerick?

Karen! What are you doing here?

Oscar thinks Emma's having an affair.

Wants to know who she sent flowers to.

Someone just sent Brent flowers, and I need to find out who.

Everybody's getting flowers. This dump must make a killing.

Let me get this straight.

You want to know who Emma sent flowers to,

and you want to know who Brent got flowers from?

Enough with your riddles. Just give us the information,

and how did I not know Dog River had a flower shop,

because these snapdragons look hella fresh.

We're having a sale on pitchforks

- if you want to join the angry mob. - Nah, I'm good.

I'm here to see how it's going now that you're cursed.

Come on... Lacey has no powers.

Ow! My soda!

Ah! My crossword! Oh! My pencil!

Ah! My head!

Yeah, you're not cursed at all.

Easy now, Davis. Keep your distance.

Don't let him see you.

What are you doing here?

- I was following Brent. - I was following Emma.

Looks like they're both heading to the city

- for their dates. - I get it. Carpooling.

Good for the environment. Guess I'll see you there.

- Or... we could carpool too. - Sheesh...

Monkey see, monkey do.

I will not let the system beat me.

If I make minimum payments every month,

the balance will be paid off in...

Well, I'm sure apes will be ruling the world by then,

and none of this will matter.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! It stings! It stings!

- What happened to you? - Suffice to say,

I've had a wee string of unfortunate events

in a short span of time that are merely a coincidence.

But, um... since you asked,

how's about you lift that hex?

Hmm, thought you didn't believe in curses.

I don't. I believe in the power of suggestion,

and I suggest you remove this suggestion.

Oh, sure, I can do that...

- For a fee. - Oof! Mama...

Do you take monthly installments?

This is the last one of these whachamacallits we can do.

Agreed. "Whachamacallits"?

That's what you want to call this?

It's the only word that doesn't make me dry heave.

No offense.

I don't get it.

Why are Brent and Emma in this restaurant together?

I see what's going on here.

Brent's going to introduce his mother to his mystery woman.

Must be getting serious.

And somehow you are the one with seniority.

Get in the car. I'll explain it on the way home.

Okay, then drop me at Helen's.

We had the entire force on this non-case,

and the results are in,

and it is now clear that Emma is...

- not having an affair! - Hot damn!

My wife's not cheating!

Now I can stop pretending to be nice to her.

Don't you want to know what she was doing?

Because I totally get what happened now.

Karen showed me using dolls.

No, if she's not having an affair, I don't care what she does.

Hey, uh, what happened with your mystery woman?

It turns out she was married.

- To a real nutjob, too. - Hmm.

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

- ♪ Ooh - It's a great big place ♪

- ♪ Ooh - Full of nothin' but space ♪

- ♪ Ooh - And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~