All language subtitles for Club.Dread.2004.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[ Screaming, Laughing ]

I can't believe
you invited that guy.

[ Mock English Accent ]
He's such a bloody wanker.

Oh, cut it out, Rolo.
God! Why are you always
makin' fun of him?

Give me a break.
Sissy Brit.

Who the hell
talks like that?
[ Laughing ]

You're such a jerk, Rolo.
You're gonna love this shit.

[ Chuckles ]
Pure Costa Rica Freaka.

Ow!
Hey, Stacy,

while I torch this baby,
how about you lick my chest?

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckling ]
[ Twig Snaps ]

Hey, what about my nipples?
Shut up!
Someone's watching us.

A peeper, huh?
My kind of guy.

Rolo, I'm serious.
It creeped me out.
All right, all right.

I know a place
more private...

and romantic.
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

Ow!

Check it out.

What do you think?
Ooh!

Should we be doin' this here?

I mean, isn't this, like,
sacred or something?

What?
No, they're dead.

You got any objections,
Ricky?

[ Spanish Accent ]
I think you should
give it to her, señor.

[ Laughing ]
[ Bushes Rustling ]

There he is again.

This guy's gonna be
picking his teeth
out of my dump.

- [ Yells ]
- [ Stacy Gasps ]

Stacy, this guy
doesn't even have teeth.

- [ Chuckling ]
- [ Screeching ]

[ Both Scream ]

Watch the hair,
asshole!

- [ Stacy Laughing ]
- Goddamn monkeys.

- [ Roars ]
- [ Screams ]

[ Gasps, Laughs ]
Oh, my God!

Who needs a love potion?
I whipped up something
extra tasty.

Ow!

So, where are we
gonna do this?

I don't wanna get caught
in the middle
of a cemetery.

Let's at least go inside
that old mausoleum.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.
[ Chuckling ]

Wow.
Check this out.

[ Laughs ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Grunting, Laughing ]

Oh. Looks like
we don't need you anymore.

[ Both Moaning ]

[ Door Closes ]
[ Both Scream ]

[ Rolo ]
What the--

It was probably
just the wind.

Okay, we're back in.

[ Rolo Chuckles ]
Whoo!

Heads or tails?

Mmm... heads.
Oh!

What's "tails"?
You don't wanna know.

[ Moaning ]

[ Sword Unsheathing ]

What is it?
Too waxy?

Shh. I heard something.

Was it, um,
a strange sucking sound?

[ Chuckles ]
Oh!

Say, what do you think
about smacking me in the face
a couple of times?

Not hard.
Well, kinda hard.

[ Chuckles ]
What do you say?

No.
Oh, come on.

No!
Oh, come on, Kelly.

- It's not like I'm asking you
to eat my crap.
- No!

- Just slug me.
- [ Both Screaming ]

Over here!
No, this way!

[ Gasping ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Panting ]

♪ [ Reggae, Distant ]
[ Chattering, Distant ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Horn Blowing ]
♪ [ Soft Rock ]

[ Man ]
All right.
Here we go.

♪ There's a little place
where the sun sleeps late ♪

♪ Pours himself
a shot of tequila ♪

♪ It's a little place
called Pleasure Island ♪

♪ That's where
I'd like to feel ya ♪

♪ [ Continues ]

[ Over P.A. ]
Welcome to Pleasure Island!
I'm your host, Coconut Pete.

Put your bags down
and meet me at the pool
for a nice drink.

Are you ready
for the time of your life?

♪ The island of pleasure ♪

Yeah, fiesta time!
Are you ready to party?

- Buenos días.
Lars Brunckhorst.
- Right this way,
my friend.

Welcome to the island.
Please, keep walking.
Listen, I--

[ Man ]
Are you ready to party?
Come on, now!

Party!
Who'd like to party?

Hey, Lars Brunckhorst.
Time to party.
Welcome to the party.

Lars Brunckhorst.

Follow the officer.
Just follow the officer.

Follow the officer.
Follow the officer.
You don't understand--

Whoo-hoo!
Welcome to Coconut Pete's
Pleasure Island!

Now, you are here
to have fun.

If you choose not to have fun,
fun will be provided for you.

[ Cheering ]

Whoo-hoo!

All right, let's go
have some fun now, huh?
Bring it down. Bring it down.

Left, right! Left, right!
Hey, General.
Lars Brunckhorst. Listen--

Nice fuckin' hat, pussy!
Hey, you got that bag
of grass I loaned you?

Ooh, sorry.
You know how it is.

Let me know
when you score some more.

[ Chuckles ]
Ooh!

Hey, you. I'm sorry I'm late.
Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry.

Yeah, all right.
Go on.

[ Woman ]
Who wants drinks?
Drinks, drinks, drinks.

[ Man ]
Yeah, I like that!
[ Woman ] Bring it on!

Hey, Dave.
Hey, Carlos.

Hola, Kelly.
Think you could put a little
something ex-tra in my drinks?

I know ex-actly
what you need.

There you go.
[ Whistling ]

If anyone else is eager
to share the ex-perience,

I'll be around
this e-vening...

and we'll be
ex-pecting them.
Okay, okay, okay. I get it.

Put it on my tab.

- Hey, at least give me
one of those margaritas.
- Sorry.

They're so spoken for.
[ Laughs ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

We're gonna go for
a quick romp in the jungle
before the pool party.

[ English Accent ]
Oh, I don't know, Stace.

I have to play tennis soon,
and, well, to be honest,

that stretch of the jungle
gives me an extraordinary case
of the wonky britches.

Sweet Jesus,
you're an F-cake, Putman.

[ Gasps ]
What the hell?

You were just telling me
what a nut-cup this guy is.

[ Stacy ]
I did not!

[ Man Over P.A. ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

your host and rock and roll's
favorite son,
♪ [ Guitar ]

Coconut Pete!

[ Applause ]

[ Coconut Pete ]
Welcome to Pleasure Island!

[ Man Over P.A. ]
Whoo-hoo!

♪ There's a little place
where the sun sleeps late ♪

♪ And pours himself
a shot of tequila ♪

♪ It's a little place
called Pleasure Island ♪

[ All ]
♪ That's where I'd
like to feel ya ♪

I love you, Coconut Pete!

Oh! Well, I guess
you all heard this one, huh?

[ Cheering ]
Back you go, dickweed!

I guess you also know
that I took this song
and turned it...

into a beautiful reality.

- This gorgeous group of people
behind me is our staff.
- [ Cheering ]

And they're here
to take care of you
in more ways than one!

Now, you came here to
escape civilization,

and we're gonna
hold you to it.

Your cell phones
won't work here.
There are no fax machines,

and most importantly of all,
no strings attached!

[ Cheering ]

[ Horn Blowing ]

[ Blowing Whistle ]
Coconut Pete,
you're under arrest!

What are the charges,
Officer?

For keeping these people
from enjoying free drinks
at the pool from noon to 3:00!

[ Cheering ]
That would be a crime!

Well, you heard the man.
Free drinks at the pool!

Last one in
is a rotten coconut!

[ Animals Chittering ]

[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]

[ Panting ]
Are you all right?

Yeah. That thing
just scared me a little.

It's just Welkie,
the Welcome Gorilla.

These two idiots were trying
to hump him, so I thought
I'd stash him out here.

I'm Jenny.
I'm Penelope.

I'm a little lost.

You look familiar.
Have you ever
been here before?

Oh, yeah.
Um, well, no.

Huh.
So where are you from?

Uh, Nome, Alaska.
Hmm.

I guess you just have
one of those faces.

- [ Chuckles ]
- Just take a right up there
to get to the big path.

But you better hurry.
You'll miss the drinks
by the pool.

♪ [ Reggae ]

[ Man ]
Oh, man, look at
the chassis on this one.

Oh, dude.
Wanna get nailed?

Hot goose coming in
for some gander juice.

Yeah!

Okay, maybe later.
Yeah.
I'll get back to you.

Oh, dude,
look at that one, dude.
Green bikini? Oh, dude.

Look at that little cheetah.
Hair pie.

[ Grunting ]
[ Barks ]

Jackie O'Tripod.
Dude, what--

Oh, dude, check out that
orange bikini, dude.

Oh, dude, come on.

Do you want to
be drilled by Manny?
[ Grunting ]

[ Laughing ]
Bogey. Bogey.

12:00 noon.
Holy shit, dude.

I know that chick.
That's the chick
on that TV show--

A.M. Pump Up
with Amy Aerobics.
Oh, yeah.

She's the one
in the way back.

Dude, she was.
But then the chick
by the palm tree died,

so she got promoted
to palm tree.

And then Amy Aerobics died,
and so she's the new
number one chick, dude.

She's the new Amy Aerobics!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Amy Aerobics died?

What did she die of?
She didn't die of a fat ass,
I'll tell you that, bro.

[ Both Laughing ]

What's up?
Dude, don't be gay, man.

I don't think so.
Hi.

Oh! Whoo!
Hey.

Lars Brunckhorst.
I'm the new masseur.
[ Jenny ] Hi.

- I'm Jenny.
- Really nice to meet you,
Jenny.

- And this is Yu.
- And really nice
to meet you, Yu.

- [ Chuckles ]
- So you're subbing in
for Inga this week?

Yeah.
Well, you'd better be good.

Inga had some great moves.
Let's see what you got.

Ooh.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chanting ]
[ Both Moaning ]

Oh, God.
Inga never did
anything like that.

Who's the fucking hippie?
I'll take that.

Hey, get your own
margy.

It's not for me.
It's for our new masseur, Lars.
Are you serious?

We swapped out a six-foot
Swedish broad for this guy?

- I'm six-one.
- Cool!

Oh, don't worry about him.

He's Coconut Pete's nephew,
so he thinks
he can get away with murder.

At least assault
with a deadly wet one.

[ Whistle Blowing ]
Who wants to limbo?
Limbo! Limbo!

[ Cheering ]

I'll show you the ropes
at the club tonight.

Look for me.
I'll be the cute chick
behind the bar.

[ Roy ]
Attention:
Frankie back to Hollywood!

Dude, whatever.
Dude, this is you!
This is you!

[ Chattering Continues,
Indistinct ]

Bend it, don't break it.
I'll bend anything. I'm gettin'
so fuckin' laid tonight.

♪ [ Dance ]
[ Chattering, Indistinct ]

[ Man ]
Yeah, drink, sugar!
Chug it down!

Chug it down for me!

[ Man Over P.A. ]
Hey, what's up there,
you foxes and cockses?

Here comes Coconut Pete!

[ Cheering ]

Hey, amigo.
You must be Lars.

Coconut Pete. Hey, man,
I really appreciate you
bringing me in your life circle.

Pleasure's all mine.
Say, I hear good things
about your fingers.

Is that a tranquillity blouse?

Yeah, it is.
It's actually the same one
you wore on your album cover.

"Pink Crustaceans
and Good Vibrations"?

I read a 1977 interview
where you said that...

the teal and blue
really kept you focused
during the tough times.

That sounds like something
I said back in '77.

I guess nobody told you,
but, uh,

you're supposed to wear
the Pleasure Sweater
on luge duty.

Oh, yeah, they did,
but it's actually
kind of hot in here,

and it was kind of
wadded up on the ground--

Just put the goddamn thing on.
Hank, give Lars a hand,
will ya?

Oh, yeah.

- Thanks, Hank.
- Hey, Coco Pete, I have
a present for you, my friend.

You see the beautiful flower
in the yellow dress?
Mmm!

[ Coconut Pete ]
She's in full bloom.

She said she saw you
in Tucson three years ago,
14th row.

Excuse me, but weren't you
at one of my shows?

U of A, '99?

Yeah!
I remember you!
You were in the--

Don't tell me--
15th row.

Fourteenth row!
I have a pictographic memory
for pretty faces.

Well, hey,
how about the grand tour?

Yeah, sure.
Right this way.

Hey, buddy!

Ah, Jesus Christ!
That's tequila!

I was doubles partners
with Andre Agassi
for an entire week.

I'm the one who taught 'Dre
to play Cocks and Quarters.

If you can believe it,
he'd never played
Cocks and Quarters.

Wow. That's interesting.

Yeah, it's--
Well, it's--
Hey, snow bunny!

- Give me a Drambuie, neat.
- You got it.

Well, all alone, huh?
Well, don't worry.
"No woman, no cry," right, mon?

Actually, I was quite engaged
until you bullied
your way in here.

Yeah, I heard you.
Something about, uh,
Cocks and Quarters?

You know, we have that game
in the States too, except
we call it Hide the Sausage.

I beg your pardon?
Excuse me, new fellow,
please cut off this minor.

Oh, come on!
If there's grass on the field,
then play ball.

Right, guv'nor?
Hey, Sammy, hit me!

Mmm!
Gracias, Sheriff.

Legalize hash!

[ Man Over P.A. ]
Hey, late night fun
at the campfire in one hour.

And don't forget your condoms.
Tequila! Who wants some?

Hey, what,
are you dancing alone?
Hey, sweetie. Come here.

[ Gasps ]
Hi!

Whoo!
I now pronounce you
Mr. and Mrs. Funzy!

You owe me one, bro.

Uh, may I kiss the bride?

Um... do you work here?
I do.

I'm Juan Castillo.
I am dive master.

Like, cliffs, or-or--

Cliffs, rocks, boards.
Whatever you wish.

Oh, that is
a beautiful name.
"Peenalop."

Peenalop.
It's breathtaking.

Um... thank you.

So, tell me,
what brings you here
to us, Peenalop?

Oh, oh.
I'm on spring break.
I go to Oral Roberts.

Oral Roberts?
Is that anything like
an Anal Johnson?

'Cause, well,
I've done that
a few times.

Or am I thinking
of a Dirty Sanchez?
That's the one.

I don't know what that is.
Uh... it's not for you.

- [ Gasps ]
Oh, my God!
- Ah, yes.

A very magical place.

Hey, Carlos.
Hey.

Make it quick.
We got a lot of dishes.

[ Clattering ]

Goddamn monkeys.

[ Muttering In Spanish ]

[ Twig Snaps ]
[ Gasps ]
You?

Carlos, these knives are filthy.
When are you gonna clean 'em?

Mañana.

[ Sighs ]

[ Spanish ]
[ Clattering ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Screaming ]
[ Coconut Pete ] One, two!
One, two, three, four!

♪ A ponytail
will get you tail ♪

♪ Just keep it out
of my mai tai ♪

♪ A few cocktails
will never fail ♪

♪ To take you and your chiquita
sky high ♪

♪ Ponytails, cocktails
Ponytails, cocktails ♪

♪ Two things that
will always rock ♪

♪ But a word
to all you males ♪
♪ Don't ever lose those tails ♪

♪ Cause then you'll just have
pony cock ♪
Whoo-hoo!

[ Applause ]

- All right!
- Solid.

Play "Margaritaville."

[ Applause Stops ]

Excuse me?

Play "Margaritaville."
I love that song.

Darlin', I think
you're referrin' to my song
"Piña Coladaburg."

No, "Margaritaville."
[ Chuckles ]

I think you mean
"Piña Coladaburg."

A little song I wrote
seven and a half
fucking years...

before "Margaritaville"
was even on the map!

Of course,
you wouldn't know that 'cause...

you weren't even born yet!

[ Mock Laughter ]
Come on, hot shot.
Let's get us a drink.

I don't need this shit.
Come on, man.

Fuck that guy!
Son of a son of a bitch!

Mother motherfucker!

- ♪ [ Dance ]
- Hey, Jenny.

[ Moaning ]

[ Laughs ]
God!
Sorry.

Give me a heads-up
before you do that.

It's just a habit.
I could see how tight
you were from a mile away.

What can I say?
Some girls are just
tighter than others.

[ Chuckles ]
Sorry.

Uh-- So, uh, I guess
I'm talkin' to a celebrity.

Congratulations.
I heard you got
your own fitness show?

Uh, yeah.
Amy Aerobics accidentally
ate some rat poison.

It was awful.

But I'm still really psyched.
I've been waiting
a long time for this.

- That's great.
- Hey, Jen.

I will be glad to never
have to do this again.

Yeah, it must be tough
living in paradise.

Oh, yeah.
You love it now,
but just wait.

♪ Crab legs, crab legs
Rah, rah, rah ♪

Hey, you guys
ever hear the story
of the Machete Maniac?

[ All ]
Ooh!

[ Chuckles ]
Let's hear it.

Yeah, I don't know.
It's probably too scary
for you guys.

- No. No, it's not.
- No, come on, Dave.
Please, tell us the story.

All right, what the hell.

This must've been, like,
15 years ago, you know?

We had a kid working at the club
named Phil Coletti.

And one night--
it was a night
a lot like tonight--

this gorgeous woman comes
into the club, asks him if he
wants to go out to the jungle.

He's like,
"Yeah. Why not?"

So they split.
And as they started getting
out to the jungle...

further and further away
from the lights of the club,

she starts asking him
these questions, like,

does he believe
in the local legends
of the island,

voodoo, zombies.

He's not too worried about it.

He just rolls right over,
starts putting
the screws to her.

But something doesn't
feel right to Coletti.

But he can't see shit.
It's pitch black,
so he just keeps bangin' away.

But then, boom!

A flash of lightning
lights up the whole island,
and in that one moment...

Coletti looks around and sees
not only is he out in the middle
of that old Mayan cemetery,

not only are all the other guys
from the resort
standing around watching him,

but he sees that
he's having sex with a corpse.

A cold, white,

dirty-from-the-grave
dead body.
[ Girl Groans ]

And they say...

Phil Coletti calmly walked
to the groundskeeper's shack,

found a machete...

and chopped those staff members
into a hundred pieces.

And they say
he took that same machete,

chopped his own dick off
and ran screaming
into the jungle.

Nobody ever saw him after that.

But from that point on,

Phil Coletti
was forever known...

as Machete Phil.

Are you telling me there's some
totally deranged, dickless dude
running around out there?

All I'm saying is I don't
go into the jungle alone
if I can help it.

'Cause you can hear him,
and I've heard him...

crying out,

"Where's my penis?

Where's my penis?
Where's my penis?"

- And that boy was me!
- [ Screaming, Laughing ]

You're an asshole,
Putman.

- Anybody get laid tonight?
- Hey, Pete.

- I know I did.
- [ Laughter ]

Say, anybody seen
Rolo, Stacy or Kelly?

They're probably off
screwing around
in the jungle somewhere.

Well, shit.
I'm gonna need somebody
to run Luau Night tomorrow.

Uh, yeah, sure.
I'll run Luau Night.

What, cut up a couple
of pineapples, whatever.

- Yeah, great.
Sam, will you run Luau Night?
- Sure. Can do.

We'll get
some grass mini-skirts,
maybe have a poi-eating contest,

and, uh,
everyone'll get laid.

- [ Hooting, Laughing ]
- Sounds great. People, please.

Is it too much to ask?
Have sex with the guests.

- Some of 'em
aren't bad-looking.
- [ Laughter ]

[ Coconut Pete ]
♪ They call me The Mayor ♪

♪ 'Cause I spend
all my days here ♪

- ♪ You would too ♪
-Hola, Peenalop!

♪ If you knew what I know ♪

[ Female Chorus ]
♪ Piña Coladaburg ♪
♪ How about a tropical treat ♪

♪ Sucked straight
from the coconut's teat ♪

♪ When mixed just right
it makes your
short hairs grow ♪

♪ Hoisting another glass
in Piña Coladaburg ♪

♪ Coconut milk
with a pineapple splash ♪

♪ Don't forget that
the rum comes third ♪

♪ Passed out flat on my ass ♪

♪ In Piña Coladaburg ♪

♪ Bloodshot eyes
and a sore mustache ♪

♪ Mouth tastes like
piñata turd ♪

♪ Promised I'd take it slow ♪

♪ Down in Piña Coladaburg ♪

♪ The booze-soaked lava
is starting to flow ♪

♪ Guess I'll have
to break my word ♪

♪ Wet bikinis to my right ♪

♪ God bless Piña Coladaburg ♪

♪ This loud-mouth soup
makes my head feel light ♪

♪ Makes me feel
like a dirty bird ♪

♪ Dang, these drinks
are strong ♪

♪ Shouldn't have smoked
that bong ♪

♪ Now I'm too drunk
to sing this song ♪

[ Alarm Blaring ]

[ Panting, Gasping ]

- [ Women Laughing ]
- [ Alarm Stops ]

Change!

[ Alarm Resumes ]

- All right, 200 points.
200 points.
- [ Mutters, Indistinct ]

Oh, you're dead, fucker!
You little yellow prick!

You're fucked!
[ Grunts ]

Ohh!
500 points!

Fuckin' worked!
A simple tag
would have sufficed.

Eat it, fuck-nut!
[ Laughs ]

Cue Pretzel.
[ Alarm Continues ]

Where's Pretzel?

Come on. Cue Pretzel.
Cue Pretzel. Pretzel--
Ah.

Pretzel!

Hey, Pretzel!
Get your twisted,
salty ass out here.

- Hey!
- [ Panting, Moaning ]

[ Moaning Continues ]

Ocupado, bro.
Go!

- [ Mouthing Words ]
- [ Moaning Continues ]

Sorry, Cliff.
I need you in the maze.

I'm on break.
Be happy in your work, Pear.

Shit.

[ Moaning Continues Loudly ]

Eh, yeah.
Hey, look, I salty, yeah?

Wait. What's your name?
Listen, mommy,
I call you later, all right?

- Bye.
- [ Laughing ]

- [ Screams ]
- [ Gasps ]
Shit!

[ Mutters ]
[ Woman ]
I got you!

Whoa!

[ Panting ]

Huh?

[ Groaning ]

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

♪ [ Reggae ]

[ Sword Unsheathes ]
Hello?

Hello?

[ Yells ]

[ Chanting ]

Lars?
Huh?

Oh. Sorry.
I was just in the middle
of my Qi Kung.

Wow. Qi Kung?
[ Karate Yell ]

Whoa!
I should have you
on my show.

I guess you're not
just into massage, are you?
Yeah, well--

I mean, body work's
still my life, but I've
also done the Dianetic thing.

Spent a little time
in the Forum.

Did a little Falun Gong
in Bang Chow.

But you know who's got
a great philosophy?
Who?

Coconut Pete.

Have a good time
all the time.

[ Together ]
Always eat the worm.
Totally.

Sign our asses!
Sign our asses!
Sign our asses!

What do you know
about Feng Chi?
Um, nothing.

- Snoring Panda.
- [ Snoring ]

Not to be confused
with Linou Gano,

the Leaking Turtle.
Oh, my God!

Don't try that in public.
Dude!

Hey, guys, I'm gonna
send you back over there.

You'll get plenty
of signatures, all right?
Come on, hop.

Go ahead.
[ Chuckles ]

Come on, hop!
[ Jenny ]
That's amazing.

It's all really about
connecting your meridians.

We all have energy
that flows through us, and
it's all connected by buttons.

So, what other buttons
can you push?

Tian-Tu.

- [ Moans ]
- The Heaven Point.

[ Moaning ]
Fuck me!

Damn!
[ Giggles ]

Maybe I should
take you home with me.

I don't know if
I'd fit in your luggage.
Oh, shit!

What the--
Oh, my God!

Carlos?
What's he doin'
up in the air?

- It's gonna be okay, dude.
- I'm not getting a pulse.

[ Jenny ]
"Naughty Carlos"?

[ Boat Departing ]

Who's driving the boat?

You really never played
this game as a kid?

We had a cheap
Nicaraguan version
called Circle Eater.

But, you know--
[ Whimpering ]

Are you trying
to tell us something, boy?
Is Timmy trapped in a well?

Come on!

You must come quick!
Follow the banana!

[ Whistle Blowing ]
♪ Follow the banana
Follow the banana ♪

- ♪ Follow the banana ♪
- Oh!

[ Juan ]
Oh, man!

Cliff!

[ Dave ]
Oh!

[ Electronic Chirping ]

[ Jenny ]
Who would do
something like this?

I mean, who the fuck
would wanna come here
and do something like this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come on. Settle down, now.

- You're makin' a scene.
- There's a bloody killer
on the island.

I know who it is.
It's Machete Phil,
come out from the jungle.

Cool it, Juanny.
You know that's just a bullshit
story for the guests.

Hey, it looks like
everybody else is okay.

But you gotta see
what someone did
to my activities board.

[ All Gasping ]
Oh, my God!

[ Chattering ]

[ Dave Reading ]
"Do your jobs and live.

Tell the guests and die"?

"'Cause everybody's looking
to find their own paradise."

[ Coconut Pete ]
What the hell does that mean?

We have to get off the island.
We have to get
everyone off the island.

[ Gasps ]

Ahh! Okay.
Okay, the radio's smashed,
and we got no boats.

No boats?
How could somebody
steal both boats?

I don't know. I--
I mean, the Smilin' Smuggler...

looked like it was
just driving around
on its own.

- What? On its own?
- And that phone line
had definitely been cut?

It sure as shit was not
chewed up by jungle rats.

We have jungle rats?
Okay, what are we gonna
tell the guests?

Nothing. I mean,
you saw the board.
He's right.

We tell the guests
there's some crazed maniac on
the island with no way off?

We're gonna have
a hundred crazy maniacs
running around.

What about the sign on Cliff?
I mean, it clearly said,
"Staff only."

I mean, that means
he's targeting us.

[ Overlapping Chatter ]

Why is he coming
after us?

[ Slurping ]

Ahhh.

When you're all done with
your little pink panty meltdown
let me know,

'cause I'd like to
get down to business.

I thought it was time
to bring in the pro.

- Hank?
- Yes, Hank.

The head of security
on all my tours.
So, what?

He keeps aging hippies
from stealing the bong
out of your tour bus?

It just so happens
Hank used to be
a federal agent.

Yeah, that's right.
Headed an F.B.I. task force
on serial killers.

Single-handedly caught
the Minneapolis Mangler.

- Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?
- Exactly.

Pete, you are aware
that I personally
have served this guy...

20 beers a day
for the last 10 years, right?

Hey, I was in Nicaragua,
junior!

When you can stuff
your intestines back
in your pockets...

and walk 20 clicks
to an aid station...

after a knife fight with
guerrilla drug lords,
then you talk to me.

All right, since there's
no way off this rock,

we're gonna have
to catch this guy.
[ Putnam ] Catch him?

We couldn't even catch the
bloody raccoon that was stealing
my wristbands last month.

You didn't ask me to catch
the raccoon, did you, Pip?

All right,
now here's the plan.

You're gonna give this wing nut
exactly what he wants.

- You're all gonna do your jobs.
- All right,
then tell us something.

How the hell are we
supposed to do our job...

when somebody is killing
the dick out of everybody
on the island?

[ Voices Overlapping ]
Take it easy there,
menstrual cramp.

You read the poem
on that board out there.

I seen this a million times.

This guy's playing a game,
and we're gonna
play right back.

Just keep cool,
and this cat'll come to us.

And when he does,
I promise you...

I'll be there
with my whompin' stick.

[ Chuckling ]

♪ [ Man Singing, Indistinct ]

Come on, hit it!
Hit it!

Definitely not this guy.

Maybe.
Maybe not.

What in the queen's wig
is going on here?

We've got a killer on the loose,
and you're throwing
a bloody piñata party.

The cut on that pear kid
was left to right.

Left to right!
I'm looking for the
left-handed killer, you idiot!

Oh. I see.

This is totally fucked up.
I don't even know
what I'm looking for.

[ Chuckles ]
I don't even know
what I'm doing here.

Hey, you know,
I've been thinking about
that poem on the board.

There's something
really familiar
about those words.

I just can't seem to
wrap my fingers around it.

- Can you wrap your fingers
around this?
- Whoa!

♪ [ Continues ]

Hi, Juan.
Hi. Uh--

Hi. How are you?
Good.
I made you a hat.

Oh. I-I don't know
what to say.

Well, say "thank you"
and put it on.

All right, all right.

Thank you.
I-I love it.

You wanna take
a walk on the beach?

[ Chuckles ]
Eh--

You know,
it's the same here
as it is down there.

You know, um,
the sand and water here,
the sand and water--

[ Yells ]

I heard you were being
very bad today, Juan.

What you mean?

When you were
supposed to be in the maze,

you were eating watermelon.

- How you find out about that?
- Because I see
everything, Juan.

[ Both Moaning ]

Hey, you-you know--
you know what?
You know what?

I think it's a good idea
if we were to go down
the beach a little more far.

- Huh? The two of us.
- Okay.

Oh, you know, I forgot.

I'm supposed
to go make s'mores.

- We checked every guest cabana.
- No weapons?
No bloody clothes?

Just pornography and
an ass-load of condoms.

The guy in 14
had a wooden Bible.

A wooden Bible, huh?
That's good.

That's a good job.
All right, Jenny.

You go check on Yu.
She's freakin' out.

New meat,
you take over here.

Okay? Break!

You'll be all right?
Yeah.

Sure.

Shite. Shite.
Not her best.
♪ [ Dance ]

Hello, Pete.

"Hope They've Got Hammocks
in Heaven."

Great.

And again, Peter.

You dirty bugger.

What's this?

Jesus, this is crazy!
We can't do this anymore!

Quiet, Yu.
The guests will hear.

Jenny, we cannot act like
there's nothing wrong, okay?

There are guests everywhere.
We have to tell them.

No! You saw that board.

♪ [ Continues ]

♪ [ Monkey Yell ]

[ Roy ]
So I said
it's totally tea bag season.

[ Manny ]
Dude, shut up, gay-rod.
Give me a light.

Hey, guys, I'm gonna need you
back at the bonfire. We're
gonna make an announcement.

Oh, good, 'cause I got
an announcement to make to Roy.

I'm totally bake-ached.
Come on!

Idiots.
[ Chattering Continues ]

- [ Twigs Snapping ]
- Hey, come to the beach.

We're gonna make
an announcement.

[ Whimpers, Screams ]

Help!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

[ Screaming ]
Help!

[ Screams ]

There's always one fuck-head
like you...

trying to shit
in the apple pie.

You just shat in
the one apple pie
that knows how to shit back.

So why don't, uh, you and me,
let's just--

[ Screaming ]

[ Gasping ]
Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Shit!

Shit!

[ Screams ]

♪ [ Dance ]

Amy's got some fantastic advice
for everybody this morning,
haven't you, Amy?

[ Jenny On TV ]
Here are humans, here is God,
and here are we.

You're the girl, Ame!

Shoulders down.

How are we looking,
Dr. Wick?
You're looking fantastic, Amy.

Looking fantastic.
This is one of
the top five cardio--

[ TV Shuts Off ]
[ Boat Engine Running,
Distant ]

[ Twigs Snapping ]

Let's do the sun salute!

Crab, crab, crab.
Shot. Throw it away.
Salute.

Crab, crab, crab.
Shot. Throw it away.
Salute.

Hey, let's dance.
It's easier when you're smiling.

I heard one of
our ski boats last night.
Holy shit! That's great!

- I only heard it
for a second, but--
- So what do we do?

If it is one of ours,
this guy's got it. It's probably
not a real good idea...

to go lookin' for it
unless you want to get
your dingy chopped off.

What?
[ Blowing Shell ]

Hey, I figured it out.
I know where those lines
on the board came from.

You know that line,
"Everyone's looking
to find their own paradise"?

That's from one of your songs.
What the fuck you talkin' about?
One of my songs?

Yeah, it's off your album
"Sea Shanties and Wet Panties."

- 1978?
- Let's see those pinchers,
people!

What does this song
have to do with all this?

The name of the song
is "Naughty Cal."

- Naughty Cliff. Naughty Carlos.
- [ All ]
Naughty Cal!

♪ Naughty Cal
Bongo and Tokey ♪

♪ Got tired
of livin' on land ♪

♪ So the three amigos
took an undersea trip ♪

♪ And never were seen again ♪
[ Bong Water Bubbling ]

♪ Bongo, the stoned crab
got high as a kite ♪

♪ And fell
and cracked his shell ♪
Shit.

That's the line that was
on the board yesterday.

I didn't know
where it was from.

How do you not know
the words to your own song?

I don't even remember
making the album, okay?

Shit, it was '78.
We were all
out of our gourds.

It was kind of a crazy time
in 1978.

Oh, man, we had
some fuckin' parties.

♪ Bongo the stoned crab
got high as a kite ♪

♪ And fell
and cracked his shell ♪

♪ Tokey was lost
in a maze all night ♪

♪ [ Continues ]
"High as a kite"?

"He fell and cracked
his shell"? That's like
Carlos up in the parasail.

Then "lost in a maze,"
exactly like Cliff.

So this guy is killing people
according to a fucking
acid trip song?

This is insane!
[ Putman ]
Peter.

What's the song about?
Is there some sort
of special significance?

Fuck no. I mean, uh,
I don't know.

It's a sea shanty.
Naughty Cal's this, uh,
underwater cowboy,

and Tokey and Bongo
are his buddies.

And they go on this adventure
to find, uh,
Atlantis or some shit.

- I-I-I--
- Let's listen to the next line
and see what happens.

♪ La-la-la-la
lala-la-la-la
lalala-la-la ♪

Maybe if
I play it backwards.

♪ La-la-la-la
lala-la-la
la-la-la-la ♪

- ♪ Mango Bay ♪
- Wait, listen. Listen.

♪ But a big bad orca
and a scary octopus ♪

♪ Were guarding the riverbed ♪

♪ [ Continues ]
So, what the hell?
The orca and the octopus?

I mean,
is it the next victims,
or is it the killer?

Our lives depend on
us interpreting the dumbest
fucking song I've ever heard.

Please, don't hold back.
Just say what you really think.

I'm not sensitive.

You know, I won about
five fucking gold records
in my lifetime.

H-How many gold records
do you have?

Let's see how it ends.

♪ That everybody's lookin' ♪

♪ To find their own paradise ♪

♪ But it ain't on Earth
It's up there in heaven ♪

♪ And someday
we're all gonna die ♪

- [ Laughing Wildly ]
- Jesus.

Pete!
Yu and Hank are dead.

Why? What did we do?
No, man.

Yu and Hank
are fucking dead.

You threatening me?
'Cause if you are,
you little hairless lap dog--

Ay, puta!
Just come and look!

[ All Gasp ]

[ Putman Reading ]
"Don't let this be Yu."

She was just trying
to warn the guests.

[ Sobbing ]
Hank!

[ Insects Buzzing ]

Yu?

[ Juan, Putman ]
♪ There's a little place
where the sun comes up ♪

♪ And pours himself
a shot of tequila ♪
[ Crowd Booing ]

♪ It's a little place
called Pleasure Island ♪

♪ And that's where
I'd like to feel ya ♪

Why are we doing
a goddamn fashion show?

Because it's goddamn
Fashion Show Wednesday,
that's why!

Look what happened to Yu!
Remember the warning:
"Do your jobs or die"?

So we're just gonna put
little smiles on our faces...

and march out there
and do our goddamn jobs.

You got that? Lars, you're up.
Come on. Let's go.
You got it, Pete.

[ Cheering ]

Lars Brunckhorst, everybody.

Lars is sporting
the Pleasure Poncho.

Only 19.95
at the gift shop.
Thank you, Lars.

[ Sam ]
I'm tellin' ya, I got a bad
feeling about that new guy.

You are right.
It all started
when he got here, didn't it?

Sam, it isn't Lars
or any of us.
Look, Jenny.

- I know why
you're defending him.
- Pajamas! Come on! Move!

- Putman, pillow.
- Putman Livingston, I presume.

Oh, if it isn't
Little Lord Fauntleroy!

Pip, pip! Tallyho!

I got it.
In that song,

Naughty Cal sings
about the scary octopus.

Look at Putman!
Putman is the octopus.

- Hello?
- Dave, just go play with
the curtains or something.

We can't dismiss that song.
What about Carlos and Cliff?

What about the fact that
Hank was buried in the sand like
the buried treasure in the song?

All right,
so maybe the octopus...

is the way
the next person dies?

How do you kill someone
with an octopus?

Octopus spelled backward
is "supotco." Juan, isn't that
Spanish for something?

"Supotco"? No.
The word for shoe
is zapato.

-Hmm. Shoe.
-Am I the only one who thinks
his head looks like an octopus?

- Shh, shh, shh.
Here he comes.
- What did I miss?

Apparently, somebody's gonna
get killed by a shoe.
Hmm.

Okay, you guys, instead of
focusing on the song, why don't
we go look for those boats?

- Good idea.
- Jenny, why don't you and I
go search together?

Um--
[ Lars ]
Putman.

Why don't you and I
go and look for that boat?
Are you daft?

I'm not going out
in the jungle with you
and your bloody shiatsu.

If you're the killer,
you'll snap my neck
like a twig.

All right, stick to the shore.
There's no reason
to go in the jungle.

The boats are probably
gonna be covered with sticks.

Or branches.

Thanks much, officer.

Aren't you taking
any weapons?

I have all
the weapons I need.
[ Scoffs ]

Piss on that.
I'm taking a machete.

Thanks for doing this,
Lars.

You're very brave.
Just be careful,
all right?

Good luck, Putman.

Better believe I'll be
keeping an eye on you,
Mr. Miyagi.

[ Chopping Vegetables ]

I know you guys are probably
a little intimidated by
cooking for the whole resort,

but I think you're gonna get
a big kick out of it, okay?

- [ Insect Buzzing ]
- I bet you watched
Yu and Kelly.

And most of it's
just common sense.
Like right now,

I'm making my famous
Coconut Pete's Paella.

Can anyone guess
the secret ingredient?

Come on.

Coconut Pete's Paella?

The secret ingredient?

Coconut Pete's--
Eh--

- Coconut?
- Yes, goddamn it! Yes!

Yes!
[ Yells ]

Jesus! You think Eddie Money
has to put up with this shit?

[ Chopping Vegetables ]
[ Yelling, Indistinct ]

Goddamn it!

Jesus Christ.
What you think?

I think Pete's under
a lot of pressure.

I don't think
we can say for sure.
God, I don't know.

- What are you doing?
- Uh, you know.

Just, uh, hanging around,
uh, looking through the window.

Calamari?

- Uh--
- It's an aphrodisiac, Juan.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh. Oh!
What's wrong?

You're not afraid of
a little octopus, are you?

[ Muffled ]
Thank you.

When you're done here,

I want you to come inside
and find me,

'cause I wanna
wrap my little tentacles
around you.

[ Chuckles ]
Okay.

[ Spits Food Out ]
No way.

Think about it,
the octopus.

Look, she's
a weird little chick,
I'll give you that.

But, look,
it still doesn't prove
that she's the killer.

All right.
There is only
one way to find out.

♪ [ Salsa ]

Don't be nervous.
[ Chuckles ]

Eh, I just want
our first time
to be wonderful.

[ Penelope Chuckles ]

So I would say that
if you're the killer,

just, you know,
just maybe
don't kill me.

Or at least make it,
you know, painless.

With those moves of yours,
I bet you could put me down
nice and easy.

Just, zip,
and I'm out, right?
Look.

The whole reason we're hiding
in this closet is because
we think she's the killer.

Oh.
[ Penelope ]
I'm gonna bite you.

[ Juan ]
Well, not too hard, I hope.
I really like Juan.

I remember when we first met,
I was kinda like,
"Who the fuck is this guy?

Some local guy
comin' down here and--"

[ Grunting ]

Mmm.
[ Neck Bones Cracking ]

[ Knuckles Cracking ]

I haven't been
entirely honest with you.
You mean...

you don't really go
to the Oral Roberts?

Aah!

[ Sighs ]
I mean,

I just wanted to leave
my past behind me
when I came here.

What the fuck are you,
a praying mantis an?

[ Yells ]
I--

I've never been
to a place like this.

I mean,
it's just so free.

Juan, I have spent
my whole life in a gym.

I just wanted to party
like everyone else.

My coach, Orgrav,
would kill me
if he found out.

He would hunt me down
like a deranged lunatic.

He's really scary some--
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You are a gymnast?
Yeah.

Oh!
Gracias.

[ Penelope Moaning Loudly ]
[ Juan Shouting In Spanish ]

[ Juan ]
No tushie!
No! No!

[ Both Moaning Loudly ]

[ Juan Moaning Loudly ]

[ Penelope Screams ]
[ Glass Shatters ]

I'll be right back.

[ Moans ]
Okay.

Eh, I'm still not sure.

I may need a few more hours
to pump her for information.

You asshole!
Now you're just trying
to get laid.

How would you like to be
stuffed in this closet while
I go out there and have sex?

- That is a great idea.
- [ Toilet Flushes ]

Shh! Here she comes!

What exactly
are your intentions with Jenny?

You know, Put,

during the Sung Dynasty,
there was a great mystic--
Master Tsu Tong Po.

And he once said
something very wise:

"If you love something,
set it free.

If it comes back to you--"
Fuck off.

It's a bloody Hallmark card.

Just trying
to help you, man.

Well, she has taken
quite a fancy to you,
hasn't she?

But I have some...
ammunition of my own.

What kind of man would I be
if I sat idly by
while you stole her from me?

Do not underestimate me, Lars.

I know things you don't.

All right, Lars,
let's see what you got.

[ Whispering ]
Look what I found.
[ Gasps ]

Wow.
Yeah. Shiny.

[ Creaking ]

Hey.

[ Dave ]
Oh! I knew it.

Oh, sick fuck.

Dear God in heaven.

[ Snoring ]

[ Putman ]
Lars?

[ Sword Unsheathes ]

Oh, dear God!

[ Whimpering ]

- [ Whimpering Continues ]
- [ Snarling ]

[ Grunts, Whimpers ]

No!

No!
[ Squishing Sound ]

- [ Grunts ]
- Huh?

[ Twig Snaps ]
[ Gasps ]

- You!
- That's right, love.

Now take that
stupid bag off your head
and give us a kiss.

- What?
- Advantage, Putman.

Hey--
[ Moans ]

[ Moaning Continues ]
[ Lars ]
Putman!

[ Babbling ]
Putman!

Putman! Wake up, Putman.
It's a dream! It's just
a dream, Putman.

[ Gasping ]

♪ [ Reggae ]

Farewell.

[ Laughing, Chattering ]

[ Dave ]
Keep it clean, keep it clean,
huh, mister?

That's a point!
That's a point!

Mira! The boat!

[ Grunts ]

Whoo!
Ay, Mami!
He found the fucking boat!

[ Jenny ]
Whoo!

Hang on to your kudos.

Oh!
She's not going anywhere.

- What did you do
to the propeller, man?
- I didn't do anything.

This is the one
that was pulling Carlos.

Well, we could send a group
to paddle out to the mainland.

We've got plenty
of strong guys.
No chance.

The riptide'll
take you out to sea.
[ Chuckles ]

You'll be drinking
your own urine
in less than 20 hours.

- Where's Putman?
- He's not here?

He left last night.
He ran off into the jungle.

Oh, by "ran off"
do you mean "got killed by you"?
Ah!

What, did you really think we
wouldn't notice Putman was gone
if you came back with a boat?

- Sam, that's ridiculous.
-Why is that ridiculous?

Hey, look. Putman freaked out
in the middle of the night
and took off into the jungle.

Look,
we went into your room
last night, Lars.

Mark David Chapman over here
has a shrine to Pete.

It's unbelievable!
So I'm a fan.

A fan?
Man, you're
a fucking loon!

Look, nobody here
was killed last night,

because Lars
was in the jungle
killing Putman.

Hey, look.
I could never hurt
another person, okay?

I don't believe
in violence.
Mm-hmm.

I touch other people
to make them feel better.

Come on.
I have an obligation to get
to the bottom of that--

Ay!
You are the fucking Fun Police!
Juan!

What the hell--
Come on, take it easy!
Quit your bickering!

Now, we just get through
one more night, the boat
will be here tomorrow.

We'll be all right.
So, come on, everybody,
let's just have a drink...

and... mellow out.
I don't want
to mellow out, Pete!

I want to know what Lars's deal
is, huh? You come here and
everyone starts getting killed.

Hey, I don't have
to tell you shit, Fun Pig!
You wanna Fun arrest me?

You get
a Fun-fucking warrant!
Until then,

stay out of my
Fun-fucking face!

Come on!

Jenny, you know
I'm not the killer, right?

Look, Lars,
it's not so bad
in here, okay?

- I'll bring you some magazine.
- Yeah.

You familiar
with the expression
"sitting duck"?

No.

You guys,
this is totally fucked up.
Look, Jenny,

if he's the killer,
then we have him in this room.

And if not,
then at least we know
it's not him.

[ Bird Squawking ]

Did it stink?
You bet it stunk.

Oh, shit!
[ Laughs ]

Hey, you guys gonna be
hanging around for a while?
Totally.

We're just getting started.
Anyway, that's my mom for you.

[ Laughs ]

Any of you guys
have a mother?

Free drinks,
whoever catches me!

Whoo-hoo!
[ Laughing, Chattering ]

[ Water Splashing ]
[ Gasps ]

Shit.

Oh, God!

[ Whimpers, Groans ]

[ Muffled Scream ]

[ Snickers ]
Your prayers
have been answered.

You asshole!
Nah, I'm not an asshole.

I'm just young,
dumb and full--
What the fuck?

What?
Something just brushed
against my leg. What the--

No, there's seriously
something down here.

- What?
- Oh, no, wait!

It's just my gigantic cock.
[ Snickers ]

[ Man On TV ]
Amy's got some fantastic
advice for everybody.

- Oh, my God.
- So, you want to get it on?

Dirk, get outta the pool!

Huh?
I'm not kidding!

- [ Jenny ] Hurry!
- Hey, that's what
I call service!

- Now! Get outta the pool!
- [ Gasps ]

- [ Dirk Yelling ]
- [ Jenny Screaming ]

[ Dirk Screaming ]
[ Shrieking ]

[ Electrical Breakers
Banging ]

Hey, help me!

[ Screams ]
Putman! You're alive!

[ Panting, Sobbing ]
You put your arms
around me, Jenny.

I can only assume
this means every other man
on the island is dead.

We got to get outta here!
Dirk's dead!

He just got electrocuted
in the pool!

Really? What was the look
on his face? He must have
screamed bloody murder.

[ Quivering ]
You're scaring me.

I just want to know
if smoke came out of his ears.
Is that so wrong?

[ Shudders, Screams ]
Hey! Oh! Putman,
where have you been?

Running in circles
through this bloody jungle,
that's where.

Thank God you're not dead.
Now, we need
to get over to Pete's cabana...

and get that
auxiliary generator.
Wait, hang on!

If Dirk just got killed,
then Lars couldn't be
the killer!

All right now, be on guard.
He might be a little cranky.

Lars!
Lars, we're here!

Oh, do give it
a rest, Jen.

[ Jenny ]
He couldn't have.

He's far too large.

We gotta find Pete.

- [ Sam ]
Pete!
- [ Creaking ]

Pete?

Pete?

You in here, Pete?

Peter!
We need the key
to the generator box.

[ Banging ]
[ All Gasp ]

[ Rattling ]

[ Rattling Continues ]

[ Crashing ]
[ Yelling, Squealing ]

- Damn it!
- Isn't somebody going to get
the fuckin' door?

[ Rattling ]

Who's there?
Who's out there?

- [ All Gasp ]
- Hey!

I think there's
a problem with the lights!
[ Zooming Sounds ]

- Right?
- [ Disgusted Sigh ]

All right,
Lars will probably
come after us here.

We don't know for sure
that it is Lars.

And we don't know if he got out
or if someone else got in.

What is it with you and Lars?
I'm beginning to wonder
if you aren't in cahoots!

I mean, let's see.
You had sex with Rolo,
and he's dead.

You and Cliff, right?
He's dead.

Give me a break.
I screwed Juan and Pete,
and those guys aren't dead.

Bloody hell, Jen!
Am I the only one?

All right,
let's get back to the case.
What we have to do--

Why don't you drop
the bullshit cop routine,
okay, Sam?

Oh, just as soon as you drop
the "I've got nothing to hide"
routine, Juan.

Let me guess. You were in here
looking for this letter from
the Encarnacion prison facility?

- What the fuck, man?
- Fuck, why you are
doing this, man?

"Juan shows no signs
of the bizarre and horrible
behavior...

"that brought him
to this institution.

"We believe him to be
fully rehabilitated...

and will be an excellent
addition to your staff."

- What did you do, Juan?
- I did nothing, Jenny.

What the fuck
did you do, man?

Costa Rican prison--
that's some hard-core
anal action, man.

- Juan, we have to know.
- What did you do, Juan?
- What did you do, Juan?

- [ Dave ] What the fuck
did you do, man, huh?
-[ Putman ] What did you do?

Tell us!
I did nothing! Huh?

- [ Screaming ]
-[ Juan ] El Chupacabra!

[ Jenny ]
Hey!
[ Juan ] No!

- [ Sobs ]
- [ Juan ] Oh! Oh, my God!

[ Exclaims In Spanish ]

- How could you do that?
- Wait, wait!

I did not do this.
I'm not the killer.

What the fuck, man?
Then, what is this?

You want to know what I did?

Huh?
You all want to know what I did?

Juan Castillo...
went to jail...

for having sex
with a goat.

All right?

What you want me to say?

We lived on a farm!

And I got lonely!

[ Sobbing ]
We were--

Oh, we were just
a couple of stupid kids.

No, it wasn't Juan.

It was Dave,

wasn't it?

You hated him
for what he did
to your parents.

You see,
what none of us
did know,

indeed,
what none of us
could know...

was that
David's parents...

were trampled to death
at a Coconut Pete concert.

What the hell's
wrong with you, Putman?

Everyone knows Dave's parents
got killed at a Pete show.

[ Mouths Words ]
Yeah, way to bring up
a sore subject.

- What? I-- What?
- [ Dave ] You think
I could have killed him?

He's my Uncle Petey.

You all saw him as...

a mellow island songster...

and a resort owner, but...

how many of you knew that he--
he was afraid of dogs...

and that his favorite spice
was rosemary?

How many of you knew that...

he was uncircumcised
and smelled of oranges?
[ Sniffs ]

Yes, that's all
well and good, David.

But I'll bet
hind to horses...

that you inherit
the island.

- The island is already mine.
- What?

Pete signed it over to me
last week.

He was going back on the--
on the road where he belonged.

He was forming a supergroup--
Billy Squier and Eddie Money!

Don Henley was gonna play drums!
Fuck, that would've been tight!
Fuck.

He was gonna sell the island
to the navy for test bombing.

But I told him
I-I could handle
the responsibility.

- [ Bead Curtain Rustling ]
- Lars.

No! No!

Pete.
[ Convulsive Sobs ]

Oh, my God! Pete!
[ Sobbing Continues ]

[ Retches ]
[ Clapping ]

Bravo, Lars, bravo.

Very convincing.
Very convincing.

- You fucker!
- Lars! No, stop it! No!

[ Overlapping Shouts ]

Stop it!
Hold it, hold it!

- Let's lock him up again.
- No! No! Stop it!

Stop it!
We're not locking anybody up!

We're all gonna stay together,
in one room!

Look, the boat
will be here tomorrow.

We'll go to the club,
gather all the guests...

and wait until the morning,
and we're going to do this
together.

And we're gonna make it
through the night, okay?

Screw this, man!
I'm not going anywhere
with Lars.

[ Laughs ]
Well, I'm not going
anywhere with Juan.

[ Dave ] Ooh!
What kind of a man
has sex with a goat?

Hey,
I used a condom.
Oh.

You told me
they were against
your religion.

[ Chuckles ]
Ehhh, you know,
I need to find Peenalop.

- I am sure you all understand.
- [ Indignant Scoff ]

You come
anywhere near my cabana,
I'm taking your head off!

Let's get outta here, Dave.
Come on, Dave,
let's get outta here, man.

I don't think so.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Crazed Laughing ]

Jenny, you're making
a most grievous mistake.
[ Laughter Fading ]

I'm still
not sure what happened...

with all that
dodgy business
back in the jungle.

But I'm plagued by the dreams.

I believe
I'm safer on my own.

Well, that plan
went to hell.
[ Sighs ]

[ Lars ] Well, at least
they left us a torch.
[ Laughs ]

Jenny? Jenny?

[ Chuckles ]
I believe I know
where the generator is.

[ Clicks ]
[ Turntables Whirring ]

[ Hip-hop ]
♪ Groove this time
'cause the beat feelin' fine ♪

[ Cackling ]
♪ Y'all wanna jump in line ♪

♪ The party's pumpin'
I'm gettin' ready
to turn this mutha out ♪

♪ Let me hear y'all
scream and shout ♪
Ugh!

♪ If you're feelin' tonight
It's because we kickin it-- ♪

Damn it!
He must have taken my swords.

I don't care if I have to
carve a spear out of bamboo,
this asshole's--

Shh, shh, listen.
No, I'm not gonna shush!

I'm so sick
of running from this--
♪ [ Continues ]

I thought
we didn't have any power.

[ Distorted ]
♪ Naughty Cal ♪
Dave?

♪ Bongo and Tokey
got tired of livin' on land ♪
Dave. Dave?

♪ So the three amigos
took an undersea trip ♪

♪ Never were seen-- ♪

[ Jenny ]
God!

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Phono Needle Scratching ]
- It's me! It's me! It's me!

[ Record Repeating ]
♪ Die, we're all gonna die ♪

♪ We're all gonna die ♪
Holy shit!

Oh, my God!
The lock's broken!

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God! He's out there.

Quick, under the bed,
hurry. Come on!

- Go, go! Hurry!
- You'll never fit.

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- [ Whimpering ]

[ Grunts ]
Come on!

Hurry! Come on!
[ Grunting Continues ]

What are you doing?
Lars, what are you doing?
Hurry!

[ Chanting ]
Lars, please!

- Come on!
- [ Chanting Continues ]

- Lars, come on! He's coming!
- [ Abdomen Squishing ]

- Oh, my God!
- [ Chanting Quickens ]

He's coming!
[ Rapid Chanting Continues ]

[ Chanting, Grunts ]

Whew!
Holy shit!

Is that how you escaped
out of that window?

Why don't you
just do that
all the time?

Is that a fat joke?

What the hell?

What the hell, Jenny?
[ Banging ]

[ Gasps,
Shuddering ]

[ Grunting ]

Putman!
It was you?

- What? What was me?
- Step back, Putman!

Oh, you actually believe
that I'm the killer.
Oh, that's a laugh.

Then what are you
doing here?

Well, I just popped by
to say--

Uh--
You perv.

Really, Jenny, there's a
perfectly reasonable explanation
for all this. I mean--

Well, you see,
it seemed like such a good
final memento and--

Well, I-- You know
how good I think you look
in red, and that little--

No!
Oh, dear God!
Oh, dear God!

- Where's the key?
- I don't know.

Lock the door!
Lock the door!

[ Gasps ]
The lock's broken!

Broken?

You've manacled me
to my deathbed,
you Piccadilly whore!

- I'm so sorry.
- I could never
stay mad at you, Jenny.

Quickly,
give me the racket,
give me the balls!

- [ Lars ]
Go! Go! Yeah!
- Quickly! Run!

[ Jenny ]
Get out!

- [ Whimpering ]
- [ Clanging ]

Machete Phil!
I knew it!

- [ Groans ]
- [ Gasps ]
Oh, God!

- Oh--
- Oh, God!

Go.
N-No!

Go, dear Jen. Go.
No!

[ Sobs ]

Namaste.

Fuck off!

Come on.
[ Groaning ]

I'm sorry.

[ Grunts ]
[ Ball Bouncing ]

[ Groans ]

[ Putman ]
Ahhh, you! I should
have known it was you!

Doesn't surprise me
a bit, really.
Damn it, Putman!

Who is it?
I'm sure you think
I'll go down without a fight.

But it's not yet
game, set--

[ Blade Slicing ]
[ Howls ]

[ Slicing Continues ]
[ Agonized Groan ]

[ Whimpering Sob ]
[ Gurgling ]

[ Body Thuds ]

- [ Creaking ]
- [ Footsteps ]

[ Footsteps Continue ]

[ Clattering ]
[ Squawking ]

[ Footsteps Continue ]

[ Footsteps Stop ]
[ Both Mouthing Words ]

[ Footsteps Resume ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Footsteps Fading ]

[ Door Closes ]

Soap, please.

[ Whooping, Shouting ]
[ Bongos ]

Hey!
Nice helmet, Lars!

About time you two perverts
showed up for the party!
[ Laughs ]

[ Burke ]
Pour it! Pour it!

Oh, Jesus Christ!
That's blood!

- What the fuck?
- [ Jenny ]
Oh, God!

Oh, God!

- We're all gonna die!
- [ Screaming ]

Help! Help!

Penelope!
Where's Juan?

I don't know,
I haven't seen him all night.

What the hell is going on?

[ Chuckles ]
Juan! Juan!

- Hold on. Hold on.
- What are you doing?

- Let me go!
- Don't move!
Where the hell have you been?

I was looking
for Peenalop. Why you are
looking at me like that?

'Cause you disappeared
a half hour ago, and now
you show up covered in blood.

Because I just found Putman.

- He's dead.
- Oh, shit! Sam!

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Jenny ]
Oh, my God!

- [ Lars ]
The mud bath!
- Let's go, Peenalop.

[ Jenny ]
Oh, God.

[ Penelope Groans ]

- Oh, no.
- What?

- [ Mutters ]
Oh, fuck.
- Sam. Sam.

[ Whimpering ]
Sam!

[ Grunts ]

- Get out.
- What?

Get out, now!

- [ Screaming, Yelling ]
- [ Maniacal Laughing ]

Did you know that
I can hold my breath...

for three minutes
and 33 seconds?
[ Chuckles ]

Nobody ever suspects
the Fun Police.

- Bullshit. I always
have suspected you.
- Bullshit. You did not.

You are the bullshit!
[ Gasps ]

He's the guy from the campfire
story-- Machete Phil, the kid
with no dick.

No. That's just
an old campfire story.

What do you piss out of,
your asshole?

It's just a story!
I have a dick.

I'm not Machete Phil.

I'm Machete Sam.

[ Laughs ]
[ Jenny ]
Sam, why are you doing this?

Oh, I remember it
like it was yesterday.

I asked Rolo if he had
any grass, and he said
he didn't have any.

So then I followed him
into the jungle.

Would you believe
what I saw?
No.

He had grass.
My grass!

[ Laughing ]
A huge bag of it.

And he was smokin' it
with those two little hussies,

even though
he said he had none.

So then-- No, wait,
that's not it.

I found out that Pete was
giving the island to Dave.

Oh, yeah. That's it.
It wasn't about the grass.

Although that was
incredibly uncool.

It was about Pete
giving the island
to that little shithead!

All-night raving,
pill-popping little
son of a bitch!

What about me? Huh?
I deserved it!

I'm the best goddamned employee
this place has ever seen!

Dave was gonna run it
into the ground.

Not on my watch!
This is my home.

Pete thinks I'm just a clown,
good for fun and games.

Well, I got you guys
to do your jobs, didn't I?

Pretty good
managerial skills,
don't you think?

Setting you guys up
to decipher that stupid
"Naughty Cal" song.

[ Cackling ]

Who's the orca?
Who's the octopus?

[ Singsong ]
I am the Walrus! I am
the Walrus! I am the Walrus!

[ Yells ]
Oh! Ooh!
[ Grunting ]

Get outta here! Now!
I can't hold him for long.

Try putting him to sleep!
Try the-the Snoring Panda!

I can't reach it.
[ Panting ]
I can handle this.

He'll orgasm for another
few minutes. Go!
Ooh.

I'm not leaving you!
I'll be okay.

Get outta here.
It's gonna get messy.
Ooh. Ooh.

Go.
Go.

[ Panting ]
Oh!
Ohhh!

Oh! Ooh!

Back to the club!
Are you crazy?

It's the most secure
building on the island.
It's where we keep the booze!

[ Shouting, Screaming ]

Look out, now.
Oh, oh-oh-oh!
There you are!

[ Screams ]
Baba-boobie!

- Peenalop!
- Juan!

Oh, God!

Look, he's after us.
She's safer with them.
Let's go!

Let's go!

[ Jenny ]
Get the gate!

[ Sobs ]
Oh, God!

[ Screams ]
Oh, God! Nooo!

- Oh, God!
- Peenalop!

- No! No!
- Peenalop! Peenalop!

- Stop!
- [ Panicked Grunt ]

God! Stop it!
What are you doing?

- You'll never make it!
- [ Penelope ]
Sam! Please!

- [ Jenny ] God!
What do you think you're--
- [ Grunts ] Watch out!

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Jenny ]
Harder! Harder!

- [ Jenny ]
She can't breathe!
-[ Juan Grunting ]

[ Juan Groaning ]
Penelope!
Get up.

- [ Gasps, Coughs ]
- [ Groaning Continues ]

- Ohh!
- Juan! Juan!
Juan, get up!

- [ Coughing ]
- Juan, get up.

Come on!
Hurry! Come on!
[ Groans ]

Oh, God.

It's not a party until
someone breaks the Jacuzzi.

[ Laughing ]
[ Screams ]
Oh, God! Juan!

[ Snickering ]

[ Yells ]

[ Groans, Coughs ]

- Lars!
- [ Panting ]
The Fun...

is done.

- [ Groans, Chuckles ]
- [ Chuckles ]

What happened
to the hot tub?

[ People Whooping, Laughing ]

[ Man ]
Here we go!

Oh, God!

[ Jenny ] No!
[ Juan ]
No, it's not possible!

- What do we do?
- We can lose him in the jungle.

- The jungle?
- I can get us through!

Come on!

Hurry!
Go, go, go, go!

I know where this goes!
Let's go! Come on, quickly!

[ Grunts ]
Go!

Oh, God!
This was your big plan?

We can do it. It's high tide.
All right, now listen.

I know this is going
to sound disgusting, but...

when you jump,
keep your legs together
and clench your ass cheeks.

Or else, water will fly up
your butt hole and paralyze
your intestine.

Gross!
[ Laughter ]

[ Gasps ]
[ Sam ]
Where are you?

I trust you, Juan.
I'm coming!
I'm coming!

[ Gasps ]

Jesus!
Who is this girl?

She's...

my girlfriend.

[ Jenny Yelling ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Gasps ]

Did you see it?

I saw it.
Ow, my asshole!

What did you see?
The Randy Rumrunner.

He didn't take it.
He sunk it.

Juan, any way
you could dive down
and get the propeller off?

We could put it
on the Smilin' Smuggler.

- Consider it done,
my friend.
- Come on, let's go.

Come on!

[ Jenny Grunts ]
Juan!

Come on.
In the boat.
In the boat.

Oh, God!
Where the hell is Juan?

- Juan? Juan?
- [ Jenny ]
Juan, where are you?

- [ Yells ]
- [ Both Scream ]

Oh, my God,
you're bleeding.
It's okay.

- You should see
the other hombre.
- I'll put it on.

Come on.
[ Grunts ]

[ Screaming ]
[ Yells ]

Juan!
[ Whimpers ]

It's all right.
It's okay.

I cannot imagine
a more beautiful way to go.

[ Coughing ]
Just remember, Peenalop.

I love you.
Carajo de mierda!

- I love you!
- [ Sobs ]

[ Gulps ]
Maybe,

before I go...

one kiss.

No, no, no.

I meant,
maybe you and Jenny could...

- kiss each other.
- [ Chuckles ]

I always...

wanted...

to see that.

[ Jenny ]
Oh, God!
Juan!

Juan!

- [ Yells ]
- [ Women Screaming ]

- [ Punch Lands ]
- [ Squealing Groan ]

[ Screams ]
[ Grunting ]

[ Coughing, Gagging ]

- [ Grunting ]
- [ Grunting ]

- Aargh!
- Come on!

- Son of a bitch!
- [ Grunting ]

[ Grunts ]
[ Yells, Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

- [ Cries Out ]
- [ Groans ]

- [ Lars ]
Go! Go, Jenny, go!
- [ Engine Revs ]

- [ Jenny ]
Whoo-whoo!
- [ Yelling ]

Shit!
Turn it, turn it!

Lars,
what are you doing?
Trust me.

Lars, stop it!
Come on, come on!

- [ Screams ]
- Yeah!

You're bringing us
closer to the raft!
I know.

[ Grunts, Yells ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Agonized Grunt ]

- [ Accelerating ]
- Ahhhhhh!

[ Screams ]

Yeah!

Slowly, slowly.
Okay.

[ Sighs ]
We gotta untie these lines.

- [ Ferocious Yell ]
- [ Penelope Screaming ]

- Hit it, Jenny! go!
- [ Accelerating ]
- [ Agonized Groan ]

[ Screaming ]

- Ahhhhhh!
- Yeah!

[ Groans, Whimpers ]

[ All Panting ]

[ Grunts ]

Let's get the hell outta here.
[ Panting ]

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Relieved Chuckle ]

[ Yells ]
[ Screams ]

- [ Sam ] Come on!
- [ Screaming ]
- Oh, come on!

[ Growling ]

[ Lars Grunting ]
Die!
[ Groaning ]

Son of a bitch!

[ All Panting ]

They'll probably kick me
out of the Pacifist Club now.

Or at least
ask you nicely to leave.

[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughs ]

Tian-tu--

the Heaven Point.
[ Pleasurable Moan ]

Oh.

[ Gasps,
Shuddering Moan ]

- Let's go, Peenalop.
- [ Chuckles ]

♪ [ Man Vocalizing ]

♪ Gotta go, gotta go P-O-O-P
Well, I gotta go, gotta go
P-O-O-P ♪

♪ Gotta go, gotta go P-O-O-P
Well, I gotta go, gotta go
P-O-O-P ♪

♪ Gotta go, gotta go P-O-O-P
Well, I gotta go, gotta go
P-O-O-P ♪

♪ Gotta go, gotta go P-O-O-P
Well, I gotta go, gotta go
P-O-O-P ♪

♪ Gotta go, gotta go
What, what, gotta go
Gotta go P-O-O-P, what ♪

♪ Gotta go, gotta go
What, what, gotta go, gotta do
the P-O-O-P, what ♪

♪ Gotta go, gotta go
What, what, gotta go
Gotta go P-O-O-P, what, what ♪

♪ Gotta go, gotta go
What, what, gotta go
gotta do the P-O-O-P, what ♪

♪ Jump, jump, this is gonna
be somethin', jump, jump
this is gonna be somethin' ♪

♪ Jump, jump, this is gonna
be somethin', jump, jump
Ooh, is gonna be somethin' ♪

♪ Jump, jump, this is gonna
be somethin', jump, jump
this is gonna be somethin' ♪

♪ Jump, jump, this is gonna
be somethin', jump, jump
this is gonna be somethin' ♪

♪ [ Continues, Repetitively ]

♪

♪

♪ [ Man Singing, Indistinct ]

♪ Standing here by myself ♪

♪ Down in the valley
for the first time ♪

♪ We were tied in the jungle
by the hands of a man ♪

♪ We were hauled in the jungle
so far away ♪

[ Laughs ]
Gracias,Sheriff!

[ Coughs ]

[ Laughs ]
Cut it.

- That is so whack!
- Knock that shit off, Juan.

You're gonna cause
a hysterical... thing.

[ Laughing ]

- That is so cheebah!
- [ Chanting ]

[ Laughter ]
I just lost it. Keep rolling,
keep rolling, keep rolling.

That is some
trick shit!

That is so on time,
off the hook!

Tight! And heavy!

That is so...
out of the planet!

[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]

[ Howling Laughter ]

What other dumb fuckin'
catchphrases can I say?

Man, I can't hear shit.
I've been standin' next
to amplifiers my whole life.

Hello.
[ Laughs ]

[ Whistling ]

Oh, God, no!
Oh, God--

Kinda scared me.
Sorry.
[ Cackling ]

♪ Tokey took him
to a sea horse
whorehouse ♪

Which-Which,
something.
[ Laughs ]

Which seemed
to suggest, uh--

Fuck, I don't know
what it seemed to suggest.
Let me try that again.

♪ Naughty Cal
Bongo and Tokey ♪

Aaah!
♪ Got tired of livin'
on land ♪

♪ So the three amigos
took an undersea trip ♪

♪ And never
were seen again ♪

[ Laughing ]
♪ Started out all right
Went a couple of miles ♪

♪ Till they spotted
a waterin' hole ♪

♪ They had their wits about them
until they were served-- ♪

Here we go, I'll do, um--
Okay, ready and action.

But what about the sign
on Cliff's neck?

It said, "Staff only."
I mean, that clearly means--
[ Laughs ]

[ All Laughing ]

Mark!
All right, well,
tell us, then,

how the hell
are we supposed
to do our jobs...

when somebody is killing
the dick out of everybody
on the island?

Yes.
[ Laughing ]

Hey, listen.
Listen, sugar britches.
[ Laughing ]

All right. All right.
Are we cutting?
Just-Just do your job.

No, I'm not cutting.
Okay, cut it.

- [ Laughter ]
-[ Loud Beeping ]

♪ Bongo chose himself
a pretty prawn ♪

♪ Cal preferred a dolphin ♪
♪ A dolphin ♪

♪ Naughty Cal and his pals
ran the waves to somewhere ♪
[ Gulls Squawking ]

♪ Land ho
They blew all their dough ♪

♪ And ended up nowhere ♪

♪ They pulled
their shit together
cleaned themselves all up ♪

♪ And they set out
on their way ♪

♪ They heard some talk
about buried treasure ♪

♪ Down in Mango Bay ♪

♪ But a big bad orca
and a scary octopus ♪

♪ Were guardin' the riverbed ♪

♪ Before you knew it
the fun was over ♪

♪ 'Cause Bongo and Tokey
were dead ♪

♪ I guess it seems
that everybody's lookin' ♪

♪ To find their own paradise ♪

♪ But it ain't on Earth
It's up there in heaven ♪

♪ And someday
we're all gonna die ♪

♪ La-la-la-la, lala-la-la-la
Lalala-lala ♪

Yeah!
♪ La-la-la-la, lala-la-la
Lalala-lala ♪

Come on, everybody!
♪ La-la-la-la, lala-la-la
Lalala-lala ♪

Pass that bong over here! Yeah!
♪ La-la-la-la, lala-la-la
Lalala-lala ♪

Whoo! Yeah!

[ Laughing ]

Whoo!
[ Waves Breaking ]