All language subtitles for 3rd Rock from the Sun - 2x03 - Hotel Dick-eng(1)

Oh, my god!

Aliens are not
like that.

Oh, the senseless
violence.

- The mindless gore.
- The incredible sound system.

There must have been 30 speakers in
that place. That movie kicked butt.

- How can you say that?

They portrayed aliens
as vicious monsters.

They blew up the
department of transportation.

Do you mind? We haven't seen the movie yet.

What do I care? I don't even know you.

Don't you think
it was cool

when that thing's tongue split open
and strangled those eight army guys?

- Okay, that was cool...
- Yeah.

But only that, and only
because it made me scream

like a little girl.

They have to make the aliens
scary. That's entertainment.

Sucking the brains out of all
those zoo animals is not entertainment.

Man #1: hey, up there, shut up!

- Man #2: hey, quiet.

It's how these people
think of us.

They didn't care whether the aliens
were good or bad. They wanted them dead.

What am I going to do? Mary--
she's already seen this movie.

So? She doesn't know
you're an alien. Does she?

- Oh, please.
- Does she?

I said, "oh, please."
Isn't that enough?

- Both: does she?
- No!

Attention,
ticket holders!

Listen up. At the end of the movie,

- when the president
turns out to be an alien--

yeah--

and he barbecues
all the congressmen,

don't believe it
because aliens hate barbecue.

- If you don't shut up, I'm going to kill you.
- All Righty.

- And that goes for all of you.
- Did you hear that guy?

- He hasn't seen the movie, and he already wants to kill us.
- We are in trouble.

We've got to lay low
until this mania passes over.

- Maybe build a bunker.
- No! We can't hide.

I say we come out of the
bunker and into the street.

I say we hold
an alien pride parade.

We'll all
get together,

and we'll prove
that we're all--

humans.

Hello.
"Rutherford bugle"?

I'd like to speak to
your film critic, please.

Oh. Well, then,
will you tell him

that I just saw "dawn of the
aliens," and it was not wham-bam?

It was not a slam dunk. I was
never on the edge of my seat.

And the special effects
did not make my eyes pop out.

- There's no cream in here!
- Well, you don't have to bite my head off.

Nina, we don't
do that.

- Hello, Dick.
- Oh, Mary.

You notice how
I'm being gentle

and not squeezing your body until
your spleen shoots out of your mouth?

Yes, I noticed that.

Thank you. Oh! Speaking of spleens,

did you see
"dawn of the aliens"?

- Wasn't that movie great?
- It was two hours and four minutes

of horrible,
horrible lies.

- I liked it.
- Me, too. I was on the edge of my seat.

They portray aliens

as hideous,
evil mutants.

Why can't they be sweet
and well-mannered?

I don't pay seven bucks to
see an alien play with a puppy.

At that price
he better eat it.

Tommy?
Tommy,

they're having a sci-fi
convention in Cleveland.

"Meet all the aliens from your
favorite Tv shows and movies.

And 'star trek's'
Mr. Sulu, George Takei,

will be signing copies
of his new book,

'warp speed, damn it: the
complete rants of William shatner.'"

This would be a perfect
place to help people understand

how wrong their impressions of us aliens are.

Or we could just blow
the whole damn place up.

- Would you guys lift
your feet, please?

Lift your feet.
Lift feet!

What's your problem?

Sally, turn off
your sucking device.

What is it?

I need your support. I have
made the most difficult decision

I've had to make since
coming to this planet.

You're giving up
tighty whities

and switching
to boxers?

No!

It's not about
underwear, Harry,

- although I have switched.
- No!

I've decided
to tell Mary

that I am what
humans would call,

in their
galactocentric way,

- an alien.
- Harry: no!

Are you crazy? Why are you doing this?

You've never blown your
cover on any other mission.

I've never felt
the need to.

- I keep having these feelings.
- Ai-yi-yi.

It's this fleshy
human slipcover.

Oh, sure, it's
dashing, tall,

manly,

washable,

but somehow it just
makes me feel so awful

about deceiving
the woman I love.

All right, look. Let's just
think this thing through, okay?

I'll be her.
Here I am.

I'm Mary, sitting
at my desk.

Now, you come in
and tell me.

Hello, Mary.

Dick.

You look
handsome today.

And you look more beautiful than ever.

- Whoa!

All right, all right,
okay. Let's just start over.

- Hello, Mary.
- Dick!

I can't kiss you today
because I've got the flu.

As do I.

Mary, I am
an alien.

She's dead!

You killed her,
you alien bastard!

Why?

- Why?!
- This is nonsense! I'm going to tell her.

- You're going to get us all killed.
- I'm only telling one person.

Sir, as security officer,
I forbid it.

And, as high commander, I have
to say tough toenails, lieutenant.

Fine. Let it be on your head.

Which is going to be sitting next to
ours on a tray somewhere in new Mexico.

I am telling you, humans cannot
handle this kind of information.

Mary can.

I just have to find the right
setting, the right atmosphere

where the elegant beauty of
our magnificent surroundings

help her to embrace
the truth and me.

They're having a sci-fi
convention in Cleveland.

Perfect!
Pack your bags, kids.

- We're going on a road trip.
- Sweet.

- Ooh!
- Oh!

Ahh!

Look at this place.

Our first hotel room.

Wow! Why do I suddenly have the urge

to trash it?

Hey, you guys,
look at this tiny bottle

I found
in the bathroom.

Evidence of
a superior race

of tiny people.

How can you tell
they're superior?

Because it's a shampoo
and conditioner in one.

Ah.

A tiny fridge

filled with tiny
bottles of alcohol

- and tiny bags of macadamia nuts!
- Wow!

These people might be tiny,
but they know how to party.

How do they get up
on the bed,

especially when they're
all drunk and fat on nuts?

Just tell me when.

- When.
- When I've poured enough

to slake your thirst
for champagne.

- When.
- Whenever your heart desires.

- When, stop, now.
- Now?

Yeah, yes,
now, now!

Half a bottle
for one glass.

You are a wild woman,

but then
I accept that.

I may be wild, but I'm not going to bite.

And neither will I,
and that's the whole point.

There will be no biting,
no bloodletting,

no cranial explosions.

What's with you?

All right, Mary,
you've sniffed me out.

I brought you here under the
guise of a romantic holiday

to tell you something
about myself.

This is very difficult.

I-- I don't want
you to judge me.

I never judge you.

Sometimes I do.
Often.

Always. I'll try not to this time.

Mary, before
I met you,

I was completely
different.

I was far, far away
from here.

And ever since
I left that place,

I've been fighting
so hard to fit in.

And if ever anyone found
out, I'd have to go back

because I could never live
in this world any longer.

Oh, Dick,

were you
in A... clinic?

- Clinic?
- It's okay.

So was I.

Oh!

- Wake up, everybody!

We're going to
the sci-fi convention.

What's so important about
this sci-fi convention?

Don't you see? It's a perfect opportunity

to take a stand,

to protest how the rest of
the world is treating our kind.

You want to be some kind
of alien martin Luther king?

Exactly,

because I, too,
have a dream,

and in that dream
I'm naked

on a ferris wheel.

I'll meet you guys
in the lobby.

I'm going to go make sure
Dick hasn't blown our cover.

Sally, there's a note
for you on the door.

"Please make up room."

All right, I'll do it when we get back.

We're going to the sci-fi convention!

I've never told
anyone this before,

but when I was a little girl-- nine, 10...

17--

- I was fat.
- How fat?

Fat enough that everybody made fun of me.

Fat as a cow?
Is that how fat?

- That's not important.
- Right, sorry. You go on.

Anyway, instead of
reaching out for help,

I turned inward
and became bitter

and disillusioned with the world around me.

- 300 pounds? 400--
- Dick!

Sorry.

My parents just
made it worse.

They had this notion
that I was going to be

an Olympic
figure skater.

They forced me
into a leotard.

I looked like a sausage
in purple velour casing.

And when I skated, they
called me the Zamboni.

Then one day I--
I cracked.

- The ice?
- Mentally!

- I cracked mentally.
- Mentally, mentally.

My parents sent me
to a special place--

camp knock-a-lot-
of-Weight-off.

Mary, that is
just terrible.

- I'm so sorry.
- No, no, it's fine, really.

Thanks for letting me
confide in you.

Now, why were you
in a clinic?

Oh, uh, well,
funny story.

I was, uh...
how can I put this?

- Not.
- What?!

- Here goes. I am--

just hold that thought. Sally!

I need to talk
to Dick in private.

Don't you have some girly thing
you need to do in the bathroom?

- No.
- Then just go sit in there.

- Excuse me?
- You're excused.

What, uh--
well!

- Shh!

- I was this close
to pouring my heart out.

- Then I arrived in time.
- She just told me one of her deepest secrets.

- She used to be fat.
- Fat as a cow?

- That's not the point.
- The point is, she can't keep a secret.

Tell her, the next thing you know, the
air force has sealed off the neighborhood.

That's a risk
I'm willing to take.

How about this one? You
tell her you're an alien,

and she freaks out,
runs away,

and you never see
her again, ever.

Oh...

in my scenario, she
comes running into my arms.

Well,

that's just a risk you're
going to have to take...

alien.

- It is fascinating, though, isn't it?
- What?

How these people fulfill
their lives through fantasy.

It's like those guys
that spend all of their time

reading those fake letters in "penthouse."

They're fake?

Can you imagine what
these people would do

if they met
an actual alien?

They would
completely freak out.

I don't know. In a way, aren't we all aliens?

I mean, we emerge from
weightless environments,

seeing everything
for the first time

with curious
new eyes,

every emotion brand-new,
always discovering,

always learning.

Yeah, you keep
overthinking life.

I'm going to get a couple of space churros.

See? Somebody broke into the room.

Look at this place.

- Looks clean to me.
- Exactly.

They cleaned everything, made
the beds, rewrapped the soap,

sanitized the toilet
for my protection.

Look, look,
look, look!

The maid was here.

The maid?
There's a maid?

Housekeeping.

Here. It's a whole book of services

the hotel has
to offer.

Dry cleaning,
wake-Up calls,

in-room dining?

Yes, ma'am,
room service.

Room service?

Room...

service.

- Do you know what this means?
- No, ma'am.

We're in heaven.

You, my good man, are

the assistant manager
of heaven.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- Bye-bye.

Hi. Yes.

This is Sally Solomon
in room 605.

Can I get
a turkey sandwich?

I can?

Can I get 10?

- Live long and prosper.

Hailing frequencies open,
everybody. I'm George Takei.

Seeing all of you here
makes me feel like a kid again,

almost as if,
as Mr. Sulu once said,

my chronometer's
running backwards.

Ha!

You people are
living a lie.

Look at yourselves,

embracing negative
alien stereotypes.

Did you ever stop to think
that maybe aliens are friendly,

kind, attractive
people?

Uh, security?

Hath not
an alien eyes

or buttocks?

If you prick an alien,
does it not say

"ow, ow, ow"?

We should not embrace

science fiction.

Screw sci-fi.

Instead, we
should embrace

science fact--

sci-fa.

Harry, let's go now.

Long live sci-fa.

You there, forget the
windows and scrub that sink

until I see my face in it. Thanks.

- Oh, coming!

- Good afternoon, ma'am.
- Good afternoon.

- I'm here to pick up your dry cleaning.
- That pile on the luggage.

Hell, do
the luggage, too.

Sally, I just
feel terrible.

Well, you're doing the right
thing by not telling her, honey.

Darling, when you're done
with the bathroom,

dust the credenza and
fertilize the potted plants.

I'm want 'em blooming
and making me happy.

I came here with the sole
purpose of coming clean,

- and now I feel so dirty.
- Just take a bubble bath.

You know, the tub's got
beautifully positioned jets,

and the shower
turns into a sauna.

"Dirty" was
a metaphor.

I'm sure it was, honey. Hi. Yes.

Could we get some eucalyptus oil up here

and a couple of big, fat loofahs? Thanks.

- Sally?
- Hello, boys.

- What's all this stuff?
- Room... service.

Both:
room service.

If I want a towel,
they send it up.

If I want a radish,
they send it up.

They set up a laptop, a fax, a Vcr. And why?

Because until checkout
time tomorrow,

I'm their queen.

- I'm glad you're having a good time.
- I am.

I'll be down in my room.
Are these chocolate truffles?

Hey! Get your own
French sampler.

How can you look
at yourself?

Deceiving the person you
love for the sake of a mission.

Look at you.

You're gorgeous!

- Mary: did you say something?
- Oh, no, nothing.

Tell her, tell her.
But how?

Stand back,
earth man,

and prepare to be
demolecularized

in ways you've
never imagined.

- Mary?
- I'm not Mary.

I am uma from the planet Thurman.

Remove your
earth pants.

Any resistance will
be futile, human.

Human.

But I'm not human.

I've been
deceiving you.

I'm an alien
from a planet

in the bard spiral galaxy
on the Cepheus Draco border.

I was sent here
by our leader,

the big giant head,
to explore this planet.

Dick Solomon is
just a facade,

hiding a quivering
purple tube.

I am the high
commander,

and this...
is my salute.

Oh, really?

I have seen
your planet.

It is a savage place
and must be conquered.

Oh, Mary.

- Ow!
- Ow! Oh.

Ow!

Oh!

This is Harry Solomon. I'd
like to get another massage

'cause I'm starting to
feel a little tense again.

Hey, look
what I found.

Oh, what is it?

It looks like a list of
everything we got while we were here.

Lobster, lobster,
lobster, lobster.

Hey, what's that number
there at the bottom?

It's probably the
population of Cleveland or something.

That's your bill.

- Oh, my god.
- No way.

What are we
going to do?

Harry, get me the laptop, the modem,

the magnetic strip key
that got us into this room,

and a shower cap.

Good morning,
Mr. Takei.

Good morning.
I'm checking out.

Of course.
Here's your bill, sir.

$3,000?

Well, that's all right.
I can afford it.

I'm a famous actor.

I'm sorry. That's $30,000, Mr. Takei.

Oh, my.

14 bottles of champagne,
shrimp cocktails,

hummus on pita tips?

Look, I had a toblerone
and two ginger ales.

That's it.

Seven massages? How
could I get seven massages?

Do I look relaxed?
Do I?

What's this?

All right,
so I took one towel.

One towel.

I'm George Takei,
damn it!