Original subtitles

Mr. Dobson, paging Mr. Dobson, paging Mr. Dobson, Mr. Dobson.

What was that? What the--

- Are you Dobson? - No, I'm not Dobson.

What do I know about Dobson?

- Paging Mr. Dobson. - Paging Mr. Dobson.

- How do you like that? - Mr. Dobson.

Well, anything I can do for you boys?

No. No, not a thing.

No, I don't tell fortunes.

Paging Mr. Dobson, walking in here like that.

What kind of a place is this?

- Who are you? - Who am I?

I'm the fellow forgot to tip the bellboys, that's who I am.

I don't worry about whether you tip them or not.

The only thing that the bellboys and I have in common

is that we split the tips.

Well, you and I are going to get along fine.

What are your rates?

Our $3 rooms are $5 and our $5 rooms are $7.

I'd like a $2 room for $2.

You want a $2 room?

A $2 room for $2, yes.

Oh.

Oh, you're thinking of the Jefferson Hotel.

The Jefferson Hotel?

Well, what's-- what's the name of this hotel?

Joe, what's the name of this hotel?

Why, the Jefferson.

- Certainly was a surprise to me. - Oh, well, you wouldn't know.

You were only here 10 years.

Oh, thanks, a pen with every room. Well, well, well, that's--

No, no, no, just put your name down in the book.

Oh, your register right here.

Yeah, your name, down there in the book.

- My own name, uh. - Your name.

My name, what is the-- um, how do you spell Burns, please?

- B-U-R-N-S. - Thanks very much.

B-U-R-N-S, that's lovely.

Well-- Uh, what is that?

What are those things?

What is that?

- Mosquitoes. - Mosquitoes?

Well, I don't mind a few mosquitoes in the room,

but when they start to come down and look

what room you're getting, that's a little much for me.

Never mind my room.

Say, what are you kicking about? Now, what do you want?

Do you want a room with running water and without a bath,

or do you want a room without a bath and with running water?

I'd r-- I'd like a room with a bath, with running water,

but without mosquitoes.

That's what I'd like.

Take a number.

What?

Yeah, take a number. Take any number at all.

- Just take a number. - A number, 10.

10, good.

Now, uh, divide it by two.

What is that? Uh, five.

Right, now add eight.

- 13. - 13, right.

Joe, give him room 45.

Ouch, uh, 45.

Well, I'll see you girls later.

I'm Jacques McDoodle, and I want a nice single room for $1.

I'll give you a single room for $2.

Nay, nay, nay.

I'm all alone, and I want a nice single room for $1.

We're all out of single $1 rooms.

Ah, well, go on, go on, get out, go on.

Go, on get out.

You, as well, go on, go on, go on, go on, go, on, go on.

Could I interrupt that card game?

Oh, and I was winning, too. What do you want?

I'd like to have two cigars for a quarter.

Here's a $5 bill.

Anything else, please?

Yes, I'd like $4.75.

Oh, no, we have no cigars for $4.75.

Who wants cigars for $4.75?

- Who-- - I want cigars two for a quarter.

Oh, I think it's awfully silly to buy $4.75 cigars

when they're only two for a quarter.

Well, who's going to pay $4.75?

Well, never mind the whole affair. Here, give me back my $5 bill.

Oh, no, we never refund money.

And besides, you should have counted your change

before you left the counter.

- I didn't leave the counter. - Oh.

I didn't get any change.

I didn't get any cigars.

Oh, now, look, am I going to have the same trouble with you

I had with this other fella? I'm going to call the detective.

Hey, Mr. Sweeney, Mr. Sweeney?

Uh, Mr. Sweeney, would you like a cigar?

- Why, sure. - Come here, Mr. Sweeney.

I want to tell you something.

Look, Mr. Sweeney, this man gave me $5,

and he bought two cigars for $0.25.

So how much do I owe him?

$4.75.

Yeah, and $4.75 from $5 leaves how much?

$0.25.

Yeah, and how much are these two cigars?

$0.25.

Well, that makes us even, doesn't it?

Why, certainly.

Well, then throw that crook out.

He had no business telling me I was wrong.

Say, have we got a-- Listen, you don't understand.

I know what I'm saying.

- I'm working here. - This woman--

Right this way. You got some nerve.

Oh, what is that, dancing in the lobby?

- Yeah. - Why, that's silly.

That's foolish.

- Uh, Miss. - What?

How much are those cigarettes there?

- $0.25. - I'll have that, please.

I'll have that.

Thank you very, very much.

Now, here's your $4.75 change.

- $4.75? - Yes.

No, I gave you $0.25, not $5.

Now, look am I going to have the same trouble with you that I

had with the other fella?

Oh, no, no, you're not going to have any trouble with me.

I mean, I'll keep this. I haven't got a dime.

- I'm a pauper. - You're a what?

- I'm a pauper. - Oh, congratulations!

Boy or girl?

No, I said a pauper, not a piper.

And don't ask me what that means, I don't know.

Uh, well, I'll see you again. I mean, I have things to do.

Oh, where are you going?

Oh, I stay here a week, and then I go to Florida for three weeks.

Oh, yes.

Oh, gee, I wish I could go to Florida for my birthday.

They say the winter sport sin Florida are great.

There are no winter sports in Florida.

Oh, no?

Well, one of them gave me that bracelet.

Oh, that's good.

It turned out to be a joke. That's awfully good.

Well, I couldn't get to Florida any how for my birthday.

- I'm going to Hollywood. - Hollywood?

Oh, that's a nice place to spend your birthday.

- Yeah, I'm going in pictures. - In pictures?

Yeah, I made up my mind I'm going to be a picture star.

And then, you see, I could benefit by the mistakes

other people made.

Now, take Mary Pickford and Charlie Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks.

If they'd been managed right, they would have been stars.

Listen, I'd like to ask you something.

When you were small, did you fall on something

or did something fall on you?

- What happened to you? - No, not that I remember.

Some little thing happened.

I can't-- oh, when I was born, I was so surprised,

I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

- Oh, no, that's-- - Maybe that?

No, no, that's not enough.

Some little thing happened, like you falling on your funny bone

and ruining your hat.

- No. - Try to think.

No, I've always been smart.

Oh, fine, I'm glad to hear that.

I mean, I'm going to find out whether or not you're smart.

Oh, you'll see.

All right, mention three different kinds of nuts.

Uh, walnuts, chestnuts, and, uh, forget-me-nuts.

That's fine. I was wrong.

I mean, I thought you weren't so smart.

Is there anybody in the family as smart as you?

Well, my sister's smarter.

- She's smarter? - Yes.

- Sort of an imbecile? - Yes.

Oh, well, fine.

- What does your sister do? - My sister's in pictures, too.

Yeah.

I bet you know all about these pictures now.

Oh, certainly, I read up on them, you know.

- Read up on them? - Mm-hm.

Did you did you ever hear of Rin Tin Tin?

Yeah, ooh, there's a girl who knows how to wear clothes.

Well, I mean, I've got to go. After that last crack, I--

- I-- - Oh, don't go.

I want to do some imitations for you.

I do very good imitations of the picture stars.

Do you do them good?

Yeah, I do them so good, you wouldn't even

know who they are.

Well, that's fine. That's hard that way.

Well, go on, give an imitation.

- I'll do my best one, huh? - Yes, your best one.

All right, this is, um, uh.

This-- isn't it funny?

I can't think who it is.

That's the best one.

Uh, look, what is it-- what is it when you have a business,

and you don't do sowell, and you lose money.

What do you call that?

- You fail. - No.

You go bankrupt.

Yeah, George Bankrupt, that's the one.

Oh, well, George Bankrupt.

Uh, where's that girl that was just here?

Yeah, who?

- Where's the girl I was talking to? - Well, that's me!

That's you.

- Yes. - I didn't know you.

I thought that was George Bankrupt standing there.

- You see? - How do you like that.

That-- that's the nearest thing to a Bankrupt

I've seen in years.

- I told you. - Yes.

Maybe-- maybe you could give an imitation

of that new German star that just

came over with Emil Jannings.

What's--

Oh, Marlene Dietrich.

- That's the one, Marlene Dietrich. - Oh, sure, I do him very well.

- You do him very well? - Yes.

- You can't do her, Emil Jannings? - No.

- But you can do him. - Yes.

Well, fine, do him.

Dietrich and Bankrupt worked-- uh, they work

- a whole lot alike, don't they? - Yeah.

That's fine.

You know what part would fit you in pictures?

What?

Just the way you stand, I can see that, a vampire.

You'd make a great vampire.

Oh, no, I don't know anything about baseball.

I don't think I could do that.

I said a vampire, not an umpire.

Oh, what's the difference?

I don't know. I'm stuck myself.

You know who you remind me-- you know,

I'm going to find out whether or not you're going

to be a success in pictures. - Yeah, well I am going to be.

I mean, I would like to prove this to myself.

- Do you know how to play sad parts? - Make people cry?

- Yeah, that's the best thing I do. - You're telling me.

Yeah.

Well, you and I are going to play a little bit.

- Want to act with me? - Mm-hm.

All right, now I'm a director, and you're a mother.

Oh, no, I'm not even married.

I couldn't do that.

- You must have a mother. - You be the mother.

- Me, the mother? - Yes.

Well, all right, then, have it your way.

You're the mother, and I’m the director, all right?

- Yeah, that's better. - Fine.

Now, you're looking out of the window.

The baby plays with a ball, and a truck

comes along and kills the baby.

- That ought to make you feel sad. - Yeah, oh. Yes.

You'll do fine in pictures.

Well, look out of the window.

Yeah, ooh, it's too high.

I get so dizzy.

Oh, no, that has nothing to do with the window.

You've been dizzy for years.

Anyway, we'll play the scene right out there.

All right, now, the baby's playing with a ball.

A truck comes along the street, 40 miles an hour.

Men scream, women scream.

The baby goes to lift up the ball.

The truck hits the baby, and the baby is killed.

Now, act, act!

Oh, oh, my poor boy.

- That's it. - That's good.

I like it.

See, I didn't have to cry aloud. It was only my stepson.

You see, you know, when you act, you do remind me a whole lot--

Now, don't tell me, don't tell me, I know.

I was taken once for Clara Bow.

You were taken once for Clara Bow.

I was taken twice for grand larceny.

Yeah.

Oh, and you don't look a bit like him.

You know--

I don't look-- he's fat and short.

Yeah.

I know him very well. With blue eyes.

- Yeah. - Yeah, Joe Larceny's brother.

George, dear, get a deck of cards, and we'll play honeymoon bridge.

- I'll ring for the elevator. - I'll be right with you, darling.

I'll be right with you.

Some cards, please, bridge cards, if you don't mind.

Thank you very much. Eh, do you play bridge?

No, I don't, but I do card tricks.

- Card tricks? - I do very good card tricks.

Want to see me do one?

Oh, no, no, you're not going to start that with me.

Look, it'll only take a second. Just watch this.

This is awfully good. Look, nothing,

ace of spades, nothing, ace of spades.

- Just a minute, one minute. - Nothing.

Where are the cards?

Oh, I can't do it with the cards yet?

- Oh, nothing-- - Ace of spades.

Go play with your blocks.

I mean, I'm busy, I have--

- Georgie? - What?

Are you coming up to play honeymoon bridge?

Yes, my dear.