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1
00:00:01,262 --> 00:00:02,132
All right, ladies.
2
00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:05,744
It's time to go in
and have our voices heard.
3
00:00:08,182 --> 00:00:09,444
Together...
4
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,751
we can take our country back!
5
00:00:24,459 --> 00:00:27,201
NANDOR:
Guillermo!
6
00:00:27,244 --> 00:00:29,420
The coffin is stuck again!
7
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,163
Guillermo?
8
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:34,817
The lid is very heavy.
9
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,210
Are you sitting on it?
10
00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:39,517
A vampire's familiar
can be important.
11
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:41,302
Can be a very big help.
12
00:00:41,345 --> 00:00:44,305
It feels like you are
sitting on it, Guillermo!
13
00:00:44,348 --> 00:00:46,916
Guillermo is not always helpful.
14
00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:50,224
He can be inconsistent
and human.
15
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:51,921
Guillermo?
16
00:00:51,964 --> 00:00:53,618
Are you hiding from me?
17
00:00:53,662 --> 00:00:55,316
Ha!
18
00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:58,319
And surprisingly sneaky.
19
00:00:58,362 --> 00:00:59,450
Guillermo?
20
00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:02,410
I am about to disembark
from my coffin.
21
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:04,803
There's no one to hold my hand.
22
00:01:04,847 --> 00:01:08,155
He likes to test
my patience sometimes.
23
00:01:08,198 --> 00:01:09,156
He's like a kid.
24
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:11,941
I got out of my coffin
all by myself.
25
00:01:11,984 --> 00:01:13,725
He's Guillermo.
26
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:14,900
Guillermo?
27
00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:18,165
Guillermo, have you taken
another day off?
28
00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:20,471
Knew I shouldn't have
given him anydays off.
29
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:24,171
Shh. There's a vampire
approaching your room.
30
00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:26,521
Ha!
31
00:01:36,966 --> 00:01:39,577
He's gone.
32
00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:44,365
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
33
00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:46,758
♪ They have no use
for your song♪
34
00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:49,413
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
35
00:01:49,457 --> 00:01:52,155
♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
36
00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:56,986
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
37
00:01:57,029 --> 00:01:59,684
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
38
00:01:59,728 --> 00:02:02,165
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
39
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:04,689
♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
40
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:15,526
NADJA:
So, Guillermo has been gone
41
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:17,920
for a few days now,
and as I predicted,
42
00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:20,227
we are doing absolutely fine.
43
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:25,145
It's just so nice to have
the place to ourselves.
44
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:26,320
Nandor, did you forget
to blow out
45
00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:28,104
the candles
before you went to bed?
46
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,801
NANDOR:Those candles are in the hallway
47
00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:32,543
and not in my room, so, no,
I did not blow them out!
48
00:02:32,587 --> 00:02:35,459
Now the wall is all wet!
49
00:02:35,503 --> 00:02:36,634
Nadja!
50
00:02:36,678 --> 00:02:39,202
I'm not drying that wall!
51
00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:41,422
So, as I was saying,
52
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:44,294
it is just so nice to have
the house to ourselves.
53
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:46,514
You know, having
a human familiar is great,
54
00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,777
but to rely on one, I mean...
55
00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:53,390
Even if they don't quit, howlong will a human familiar live?
56
00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:56,045
Hundred, 200 years?
57
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:59,788
I mean, how old are you,
nine-- 90?
58
00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:01,224
-26.
-26?
59
00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:03,444
Do you have long left,
do you think?
60
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,489
Laszlo!
61
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,056
Hello, my darling!
62
00:03:07,099 --> 00:03:08,188
Who's this?
63
00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:09,841
Victim, begone.
64
00:03:09,885 --> 00:03:12,279
Wait, you're not gonna drink
all of my blood till I die?
65
00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:13,628
Not tonight, Josephine.
66
00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:14,846
It's too messy.
67
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,457
Easier if you just walk out.
68
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:17,458
Bloody cheek...
69
00:03:19,416 --> 00:03:22,463
Who is leaving all these
bodies everywhere?!
70
00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:23,464
LASZLO:
You did that.
71
00:03:23,507 --> 00:03:24,465
COLIN:
Hey, hey.
72
00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:27,250
What in the Sam Hill?!
73
00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:28,991
Careful!
74
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:30,645
Jeepers creepers, you guys need
75
00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:32,647
to clean up
all these human juices.
76
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:34,388
They'll dry on their own.
77
00:03:34,431 --> 00:03:36,041
Ah, crud, how am I supposed
78
00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:37,652
to go to work
looking like this?
79
00:03:37,695 --> 00:03:40,263
Can't you just change into
another of your beige suits?
80
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:43,484
Yeah, I'll just say I got in
a bus accident or something.
81
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:45,312
Damn it!
82
00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:51,709
Is anyone else a little chilly?
83
00:03:51,753 --> 00:03:53,363
Yeah, I'm as cold
as a witch's tit,
84
00:03:53,407 --> 00:03:55,844
because you let
the fire burn down.
85
00:03:57,672 --> 00:04:00,979
-NANDOR: What are you wearing?
-What are youwearing?
86
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:03,330
NADJA:
Guillermo used to take
our clothes out once a week
87
00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:05,462
and bring them back clean,
and he's not here, so...
88
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,116
Yeah, but where
did he take them?
89
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:09,510
-The river?
-Oh, yes, that is
a very good point.
90
00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:11,251
We should contact
the village washerwoman.
91
00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:13,253
Someone contact
the village washerwoman!
92
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:15,037
I'm not doing that!
93
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,169
I drove him away, didn't I?
94
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,302
Perhaps I should've been
a bit more aloof with him.
95
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,912
What are you fucking
talking about?
96
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:22,566
He's just a familiar.
97
00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:24,089
You're right.
98
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,917
Fuck that guy
for making me think
99
00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:27,832
I need to act more aloof!
100
00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:29,399
We're doing just great
without him.
101
00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:31,140
Everything is normal and fun.
102
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:32,446
NADJA:
You know, I did sense
103
00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:35,057
he was getting more
and more sad recently.
104
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,102
I could smell it on him.
It comes from the groin.
105
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:39,104
-Ah.
-Colin Robinson,
106
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:41,455
take out your cellular telephoneand take a picture
107
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:44,545
of me having fun
and then send it to Guillermo,
108
00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:47,330
so that he knows how much
I do not miss him.
109
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:50,420
Aah! Aah...
110
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:52,553
I don't even have
his phone number, so...
111
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,555
Well, look it up.
112
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,557
Uh, what's his last name?
113
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,385
Uh...
114
00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:00,865
Greenberg?
115
00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:04,608
Mm, Guillermo B... Buillermo?
116
00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:05,609
Yeah, but you assume
that's his first name.
117
00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:07,045
Could be his last name.
118
00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:08,873
He could be called
Mickey Guillermo.
119
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:10,179
NANDOR:
Just look up "Guillermo."
120
00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:12,573
I'll do this just to show you
121
00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:14,575
how dumb you are.
122
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:18,579
Yes, there are over
5,000 Guillermos
123
00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:20,624
in the New York
metropolitan area,
124
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:23,627
including Mickey Guillermos,
of which there are four.
125
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,455
Can we maybe narrow it down
a little bit?
126
00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:27,588
Yes, yes, of course we can.
127
00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:29,111
What else do we know about him
128
00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:31,548
besides his first name
being Guillermo?
129
00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,340
-Door's ringing, Laszlo.
130
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:41,471
Well, you better go
and answer it.
131
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:42,820
Y-Youbetter go and answer it.
132
00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:45,345
You got to go and answer
the darn-tootin' door.
133
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:46,868
-Stop doing that!
-Stop doing what?
134
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:48,783
Come on, just go get the door.
135
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,915
I'm not your Mr. Belvedere now.
136
00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:52,395
I'll do it then.
137
00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:55,180
I wanted to do it.
138
00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,359
Assistance, please?
139
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:00,621
NADJA:
Ooh, it has a hex on it.
140
00:06:00,664 --> 00:06:02,579
Gizmo's probably cursed it.
141
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:03,624
Pull!
142
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:04,712
-"Pull"?
-Yeah.
143
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:06,409
-Aha!
-Oh.
144
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:08,759
-Here you go.
-Begone.
145
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:12,372
Come back. You will forget
everything you have seen.
146
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:15,200
Most importantly,
the way we are both dressed.
147
00:06:15,244 --> 00:06:17,464
To the fancy room again.
148
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,422
-NADJA: Well, who is it from?
-LASZLO: Get it open.
149
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:22,033
NADJA:
Well?
150
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:24,471
It is from the
Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires.
151
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,604
And we have all been invited!
152
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:31,608
-LASZLO: Yes!
-NADJA: Yeah.
153
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:35,003
NADJA:
The Nouveau Théâtre
des Vampires is
154
00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:37,658
-a very, very big deal.
-They travel from Europe
155
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:40,400
to the United States
once every five years.
156
00:06:40,443 --> 00:06:44,578
NADJA: And only the crème de la crme de la creams of vampire society
157
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,014
is invited.
158
00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:48,712
This is the first year
we have made the cut.
159
00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:49,844
Everyone who has seen it says
160
00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:51,585
it is magnificent.
161
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:52,760
It is an all-vampire cast
162
00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:54,675
and it is just
the most beautiful,
163
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:57,199
eerie, poignant, important,
164
00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:59,680
-important work.
-And I've heard
there's a lot of nudity.
165
00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:02,073
And I mean a lot,
and when I say a lot,
166
00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:04,641
I don't just mean a whiff
of tit, I mean the full rack.
167
00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:06,904
Full boobies, full boners.
168
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,645
The full display.
169
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:10,255
We're going to have so much fun.
170
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:11,605
COLIN:
I am
171
00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:15,304
so G-damn excited to be going
to the vampire theater.
172
00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:17,959
There's some genitalia on show
there that would make a human
173
00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:20,091
go, "What is that exactly?"
174
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:22,093
So we shall be honored
to attend.
175
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,574
-Mm-hmm.
-Wait.
176
00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:27,882
What are we thinking?
We don't have any clothes!
177
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:30,537
They are all soiled.We cannot go dressed like this.
178
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:32,539
She's right.
We can't go dressed like this.
179
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:34,366
We'll be laughed
out of the place.
180
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,281
They're not going
to let us in now.
181
00:07:36,325 --> 00:07:38,762
-Goddamn it!
-Damn!
182
00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:44,681
Wait, stop, guys, stop.
183
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,640
Am I really gonna do this?
-Do what?
184
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:49,077
Listen.
185
00:07:50,252 --> 00:07:53,385
There is a way to get
your clothes back.
186
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:56,258
Don't ask me how.
You don't want to know.
187
00:07:56,301 --> 00:07:57,868
There's a good chance
that I'm...
188
00:07:57,912 --> 00:07:59,653
not even gonna
make it back alive.
189
00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:02,743
-You mean you might be killed,
Colin Robinson?
190
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,135
We don't want you
to hurt yourself.
191
00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:05,702
Me neither, damn it.
192
00:08:05,746 --> 00:08:07,878
But if I do
this kindness for you,
193
00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:09,750
can I ask for one in return?
194
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:10,881
Anything. What is it?
195
00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:14,319
I'd really like to moveout of my room in the basement.
196
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:17,497
If you retrieve our clothes,
you can move into my room.
197
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:19,542
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want your room.
198
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:22,502
I-I just want to move intothat other room in the basement.
199
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:25,505
-Hmm?
-Sounds fair.
-Really?
200
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,724
LASZLO:
Go ahead. Do that now.
201
00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:29,900
I guess we're going
to the Théâtre!
202
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:37,734
So, basically I needed to go
to the dry cleaners anyway.
203
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,475
I just didn't want to make it
sound too easy for them,
204
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,433
'cause you go
once or twice and then,
205
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,174
all of a sudden
you're the go-to
206
00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:44,698
dry cleaning fetcher.
207
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,700
Colin Robinson wins again.
208
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:58,886
-Yeah, so I had to...
209
00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:01,889
-I had to get out
of there, so...
210
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:05,370
-¿Mamá? Mamá.
211
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:07,155
Mamá!
212
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:08,765
-Ah, tu película.
-Sí.
213
00:09:08,809 --> 00:09:11,202
Okay.
214
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:13,509
Our fridge broke today, so...
215
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,945
But, yeah, I had
to get out of there.
216
00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:16,773
Never mind
that I'm prone to being
217
00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:18,645
a vampire slayer.
218
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,257
I'm, like, killing vampires,
219
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,432
killing, killing,
killing, killing,
220
00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:24,738
but also wanting
to be a vampire?
221
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:27,654
I just had to think
about that and also
222
00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:30,570
manage my everyday duties,
which were falling
223
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:32,615
at the wayside
because I wasn't focused.
224
00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:40,623
This is it.
This is my life now.
225
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,538
You know?
And I'm happy with that.
226
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,757
I'm content.
227
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:53,027
Okay.
228
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,637
She's happy that I'm home.
229
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,770
It's good to be wanted.
230
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:59,599
And I do miss them.
I miss them a lot.
231
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:02,253
-I'll be right back.
232
00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:05,953
Okay, y-yo tengo unmini-fridge.
233
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:07,911
Or I hada mini-fridge.
Well, actually,
234
00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:10,087
it's my friend Topher's,
but, you know, he's dead now.
235
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:11,132
Ay, pobrecito.
236
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:12,350
No, sorry, no.
237
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:14,309
He wasdead. I-I'll go get it.
238
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,270
Staten Island.
239
00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:25,102
Secret entrance. Very cool.
240
00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:26,495
So glad you could join us.
241
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:28,845
-I don't like our seats.
-You haven't seen them.
242
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:31,065
-I don't like seats.
-NANDOR: Get in there.
243
00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:33,371
-And here are your media passes.-CAMERAMAN: Thanks.
244
00:10:33,415 --> 00:10:35,765
Make sure you keep them
on you at all times.
245
00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:40,857
LASZLO:
We've waited 500 yearsfor an invite to this, you know?
246
00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:42,816
We should have been
to many more, but...
247
00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:45,949
-USHER: Well, here you are now.-Here we are now.
248
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:47,429
-USHER: Right this way, sir.
-Ah...
249
00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:49,823
Thank you very much.
Good evening.
250
00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:52,869
-Good evening.
-Ooh, very nice seats.
251
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,001
I should damn well think so.
252
00:10:54,044 --> 00:10:56,612
"I guess I must be
in the front row."
253
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,918
No, you're sitting here with us.
254
00:10:57,961 --> 00:11:00,311
No, it's Bob Uecker,
from a commercial in the '80s.
255
00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:02,400
He was the Milwaukee Brewers
announcer...
256
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,707
A wonderful anecdote.
257
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,622
GUILLERMO:
We should be in and out,
258
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:07,797
so it's not gonna be weird.
259
00:11:09,364 --> 00:11:10,974
Hello?
260
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:14,021
If it gets uncomfortable,
I'll just give you a signal.
261
00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:15,892
I'll just do eyes like that.
262
00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:18,112
Hello? Whoa! Ow...
263
00:11:22,072 --> 00:11:25,206
Nadja? Laszlo?
264
00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:26,903
Mas... Nandor?
265
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:28,949
Colin Robinson?
266
00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:30,211
-Where is everyone?
-NADJA'S VOICE: Hello.
267
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:32,343
You scared me.
268
00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:33,910
You scare easy.
269
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,086
-They knew you'd be back.
-Where is everyone?
270
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:37,740
-They went out.
-Out? Wow.
271
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:39,307
-Where did they go?
-To the Théâtre.
272
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:42,571
They're having a great life
without you.
273
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,529
The invitation is over there
if you don't believe me.
274
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,749
Very exclusive event.
275
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:48,708
GUILLERMO:
"You're cordially invited
to the Nouveau Théâtre
276
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:49,970
des Vampires..."
277
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:51,711
That's French.
278
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:53,756
It's like a theater.
Do you see that?
279
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,932
There's a guy hanging.
It's pretty clever, it's...
280
00:11:55,976 --> 00:11:57,978
Geez, the work on this is so...
281
00:12:00,197 --> 00:12:02,112
Is that...?
Does that look like a...?
282
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:03,853
It's the Vampiric Council.
283
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,986
TILDA:
Dark greetings of the night.
284
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:09,946
Only an idiot would go
to something like this.
285
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:11,208
This is clearly a trap.
286
00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:12,949
They... Did they go to this?
287
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:15,735
-Uh, yeah.
-Oh, God.
288
00:12:15,778 --> 00:12:17,998
They're all gonna die.
289
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,869
-I'm gonna go. It's startedalready, so I'm gonna go, okay?-Good luck.
290
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:22,916
-I do not think
you will succeed.
-I'm gonna go. Shut up.
291
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:25,396
Is that Mikhail the Awful?
292
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,833
-NADJA : Yes, that is.
-LASZLO: Hmm?
293
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:27,964
Good evening, Mikhail.
294
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,750
The man is a total prick.
295
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:32,752
He's nowhere near as funny
as he thinks he is.
296
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:35,058
Oh.
That is Maricela,
297
00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:36,494
-Mistress of the Night.
-LASZLO: Ha!
298
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:38,061
More like Maricela,
299
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,324
-Mistress of the Shitty Seats.
300
00:12:40,368 --> 00:12:43,066
A lot of heavy hitters
in the house tonight.
301
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:44,981
Even from
the energy vampire world.
302
00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:46,940
Todd Smith. Saw him naked once.
303
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:48,985
It's Pamela.
304
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:51,205
Pamela's here. It's Pamela.
305
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:53,033
Don't embarrass me.
306
00:13:12,008 --> 00:13:13,967
CAMERAMAN:
Whoa.
307
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:19,799
Hell yeah.
308
00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:32,637
-I know how he did that.
309
00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:34,030
Will you just
let me enjoy it, please?
310
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,772
Good evening,
citizens of the night.
311
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:41,037
Kings and queens,
princes and potentates,
312
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:43,997
ladies and gentlemen,
vampires all.
313
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,955
NANDOR:
Yes.
314
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:49,829
Nice shimmy.
He's good, this guy.
315
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:52,048
Tonight our performance
is different.
316
00:13:52,092 --> 00:13:55,095
Tonight is something
a little bit special.
317
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,837
-Oh.
-We all know the reason
that we are here.
318
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,013
-Well, most of us do.
319
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:02,406
So, without any further ado,
320
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:07,107
please make welcome
our guests of honor.
321
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:08,630
-Oh...
-Oh, thank you.
322
00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,588
-Oh, that's us. Greetings.
-Us?
323
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:11,633
-Hi, everyone.
-Hey!
324
00:14:11,676 --> 00:14:12,721
Easy there.
325
00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:15,158
-No! Get off me!
-Good Lord.
326
00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:16,464
This is silver rope.
327
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,727
-COLIN: Ow.
-LASZLO: Oh, shit.
328
00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:21,121
I recognize that man.
He was at the Vampire Council.
329
00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:22,557
-Yes.
-Shit.
330
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:26,213
There is but one crime
to us vampires here.
331
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:30,130
It is the one crimethat means death to any vampire:
332
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:32,219
killing your own kind.
333
00:14:32,262 --> 00:14:33,742
Oh, this shithead.
334
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,004
-We've never done that.
-We never did that.
335
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:37,050
-Boo. Boo.
336
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,051
Don't boo us.
337
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:42,925
MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
With Baron Afanas,
338
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:45,493
'twas four against one.
339
00:14:45,536 --> 00:14:47,843
-NANDOR:
Is that supposed to be us?
-No idea.
340
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,323
MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
They opened the door
341
00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,151
and let through the sun.
342
00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:55,720
-Very shocking.
343
00:14:55,764 --> 00:14:58,201
-NADJA: This is absurd.
344
00:14:58,245 --> 00:15:01,509
That never happened. We would
never prance around like tits.
345
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,990
-NANDOR: This is all shit!
-I would never high-five.
346
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:06,122
COLIN:
I'll be honest with you,
my look-alike
347
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:08,124
is kind of giving me a chub.
348
00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:12,694
MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
Ludwig the guard,
349
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:16,480
just doing his job,
skewered through the heart,
350
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,134
a vampire kebab.
351
00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,137
Boo!
352
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:22,312
That wasn't even their fault.
353
00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,836
-Stay back!
354
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:27,796
-WOMAN: Boo you!
-Shut up, Pamela.
355
00:15:27,839 --> 00:15:30,059
-NADJA: Did we do this?
-NANDOR: We didn't do that.
Did you guys do that?
356
00:15:30,103 --> 00:15:32,888
-LASZLO: None of us did that.-COLIN: Well, don't look at me.
357
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,150
This seems like one of those
things that you guys
358
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:35,935
all did together
and didn't include me.
359
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:38,763
NANDOR:
What's this shit?
360
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:41,244
LASZLO:
Hold on a second.
We were promised nudity.
361
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,203
Penis and full bush.
This is a swiz.
362
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,335
NADJA:
I am sorry, but when I dance,
363
00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:46,946
the ocean parts.
364
00:15:46,989 --> 00:15:48,948
She has absolutely
no rhythm whatsoever.
365
00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:50,253
This is your hot take?
366
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:51,951
That you have a problem
with the choreography?
367
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:53,387
Oh, okay. There I am.
368
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,389
MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
Assassins were sent
369
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:58,000
to bring them to justice.
370
00:15:58,044 --> 00:16:01,961
They murdered them all
by bringing the ruckus.
371
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:05,138
Boo.
372
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:06,835
Very clunky rhyme.
373
00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:09,229
COLIN:
I think it's a Wu-Tang
reference.
374
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:10,795
"Bring the Ruckus."
375
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,101
LASZLO:
All I know is, I haven't had
376
00:16:12,145 --> 00:16:14,538
-a whiff of Wu or Tang.
-Exactly.
377
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:16,671
-Oh.
-NANDOR: They're throwing
his head around
378
00:16:16,714 --> 00:16:18,499
like a beach ball.
379
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:22,242
MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
A vampire family
380
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:23,678
who loved one another.
381
00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:25,593
You slaughtered them all.
382
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:28,509
Word to the mother.
383
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,993
-Then laughing about it.
384
00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:36,778
I mean, I have-- I'm clueless.
385
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:37,822
I have no idea.
386
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:40,129
We didn't do any of this shit!
387
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:43,219
Uh, I think
they're going for some sort
388
00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:45,004
-of Hamiltonvibe?
389
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,964
MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
You're too kind.
We can all do it.
390
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:49,965
We're vampires.
391
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,185
You murdered Baron Afanas
392
00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:55,231
and were sentenced to death
by the Vampiric Council.
393
00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,886
-Mm.
-You escaped, witnesses say,
394
00:16:57,929 --> 00:17:01,107
with the help
of a Dilbert-looking guy.
395
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,109
-What is that?
396
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:05,285
MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
We don't know how,
but we don't like it.
397
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:09,724
Tonight, he will join us
for the grand finale.
398
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:17,253
-LASZLO: Fuck me!
399
00:17:18,863 --> 00:17:20,474
MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
And that's a reminder
to all of us.
400
00:17:20,517 --> 00:17:22,302
-Don't murder vampires.
-NADJA: We didn't!
401
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,304
Don't do it.
All right, bring them
402
00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,132
-to the stage.
-NADJA: What?
403
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,090
--No. Get your-- don't touch me.
404
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,310
-NANDOR: Hey! Get...
-Help!
405
00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:31,224
LASZLO:
Who the hell
do you think you are?
406
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:33,313
Heck you looking at, Pamela?
407
00:17:33,356 --> 00:17:34,314
MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
Glad you're filming this.
408
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:35,706
We can show it next year.
409
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:43,236
And while we wait
for the guillotine thing
410
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:45,455
to be set up again,
411
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,718
we just have a short
in memoriam video,
412
00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:51,113
remembering those vampires
we've lost over the year.
413
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:52,158
NANDOR :
You're hurting me!
414
00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:58,381
Oh, I didn't know he was gone.
415
00:17:58,425 --> 00:18:00,035
I can get to my wallet.
It's in my big pocket.
416
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,732
-No one misses him.
-If you unlock me,
417
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,386
then I can get it.
418
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:05,432
Met her once.
419
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:08,304
He died because he got confusedon daylight savings.
420
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:12,395
-Such a long video.
421
00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:14,528
A reminder to us all,
life is short.
422
00:18:16,182 --> 00:18:18,967
Ouch! My wrists! Very tight.
423
00:18:19,010 --> 00:18:21,970
This is not fair.
We didn't kill any vampires.
424
00:18:22,013 --> 00:18:22,971
-Did we?!
425
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:23,972
-No.
-No!
426
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:26,105
-We all saw the reenactments.
-No.
427
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,715
-If you want to know
who killed The Baron,
428
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:30,065
we know who killed The Baron,
don't we, guys?
429
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,458
-Yes.
-Yes.
-Yeah.
430
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:35,201
-All right.
-The Baron was killed...
431
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:37,290
by a chap named...
432
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,814
-Guillermo!
433
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:41,250
Unbelievable.
434
00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:42,860
Guillermo.
Anyone know Guillermo?
435
00:18:42,904 --> 00:18:44,427
Guillermo who?
436
00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:45,733
Uh, we don't know
his second name.
437
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:49,345
Uh, maybe...
G-Guillermo Buillermo?
438
00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:51,956
-Guillermo Buillermo?
-Well, we don't really know.
439
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,871
-Wil-Wilkinson?
-: I can't tell
440
00:18:53,915 --> 00:18:55,046
if they're covering for me,
441
00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:56,918
or if they really don't know
my last name.
442
00:18:56,961 --> 00:18:59,138
He was my familiar,
and when I found out
443
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:02,141
that my own familiar
was killing vampires
444
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:05,056
-all over the place,
I was so angry with him.
445
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,146
-Mm.
-So angry, so...
446
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:10,497
I killed him
with my... bare hands!
447
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:12,151
-You...
448
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:14,762
You killed Gizmo?
Kind of harsh.
449
00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:16,720
And just for the record,
it had nothing
450
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:19,549
to do with the fact that
he may have walked out on me
451
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:21,116
after ten years.
452
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,726
You know,
when you care about someone,
453
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,293
and they just walk out the door.
454
00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:26,295
"Oh, I've had enough of you."
455
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:27,949
-Yes, killing vampires.
-Okay, you're getting into
456
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,472
some of
your personal issues now.
457
00:19:29,516 --> 00:19:32,388
So I ripped his head off,
and his arms and his legs.
458
00:19:32,432 --> 00:19:34,564
And I buried them all
in the ground,
459
00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:36,305
so everything is fine now.
460
00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:38,612
-Can we go home, please?
-Blaming the familiar.
461
00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:40,788
-Yes, we've all done it.
462
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:44,052
But what would that look like--a familiar attack?
463
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:46,272
Something like this?
464
00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:54,236
-It's like a cartoon.
465
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,499
-Guillermo is much smaller
than this.
466
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:58,414
Again, over the top.
467
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:01,287
-It's cute.
468
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:02,810
Let him go!
469
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:09,338
Ridiculous, as you can see,
from the simulation.
470
00:20:09,382 --> 00:20:12,080
-This guy.
471
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:14,300
-Oh. My.
472
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:20,523
No, it's too weird.
No, just-- Go, go, get up.
473
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:23,657
I don't get it.
Is this still the show?
474
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:24,788
GUILLERMO:
Sorry!
475
00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:30,577
He's killing vampires.
476
00:20:37,453 --> 00:20:39,455
Get off him! Shoo!
477
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,458
NADJA:
Holy water!
478
00:20:50,118 --> 00:20:52,512
The balls of that little chap.
479
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:57,908
-Behind you!
480
00:20:57,952 --> 00:20:59,388
-Get him, too!
481
00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,487
NANDOR:
Guillermo?
482
00:21:11,531 --> 00:21:14,403
Is there something
you haven't been telling us?
483
00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:21,410
My name's Guillermo de la Cruz.
484
00:21:23,194 --> 00:21:25,501
-Oh.
-Don't care what the fuck
your name is.
485
00:21:25,545 --> 00:21:27,547
We had to pick up
our own laundry!
486
00:22:08,849 --> 00:22:11,591
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
487
00:22:15,159 --> 00:22:17,510
COLIN: They had come
highly recommended
488
00:22:17,553 --> 00:22:20,861
by a mutual vampire
associate of ours,
489
00:22:20,904 --> 00:22:23,559
but nevertheless,
I found it prudent
490
00:22:23,603 --> 00:22:25,518
-to run the traditional
credit checks...
491
00:22:25,561 --> 00:22:27,433
...and reference protocols.
492
00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:30,871
Suffice it to say,
I am part of the 33%
493
00:22:30,914 --> 00:22:34,962
who find it necessary to utilizemy complementary credit check
494
00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:36,572
every year.
495
00:22:46,321 --> 00:22:49,933
-WOMAN: It was 1969.
496
00:22:49,977 --> 00:22:52,501
I was pregnant,
and I was scared.
497
00:22:56,070 --> 00:22:58,986
I'm Norma McCorvey,
aka Jane Roe.
498
00:23:08,996 --> 00:23:11,564
This is my deathbed confession.
499
00:23:18,353 --> 00:23:22,401
MAN: We have 15 minutesand you have some cool stuffto show us.
500
00:23:25,055 --> 00:23:27,623
- Oh, yeah.
501
00:23:30,147 --> 00:23:31,801
I want you to join Devs.
502
00:23:34,456 --> 00:23:35,675
WOMAN: What is Devs?
503
00:23:38,634 --> 00:23:41,028
It's the most beautiful thingI've ever seen.
504
00:23:48,731 --> 00:23:50,690
MAN: I had no idea
what I would find
505
00:23:50,733 --> 00:23:52,518
when I went searching
for my father.
506
00:23:52,561 --> 00:23:55,521
They flashed the Zodiac Killer,and my heart stopped.
507
00:23:55,564 --> 00:23:58,219
WOMAN: He believes
he is the son of the Zodiac.
34426
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