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1
00:00:03,523 --> 00:00:05,046
Guillermo!
2
00:00:06,202 --> 00:00:08,796
The coffin is stuck again!
3
00:00:11,109 --> 00:00:12,393
Guillermo?
4
00:00:12,477 --> 00:00:13,794
The lid is very heavy.
5
00:00:13,878 --> 00:00:15,229
Are you sitting on it?
6
00:00:15,313 --> 00:00:18,632
A vampire's familiar
can be important.
7
00:00:18,716 --> 00:00:20,101
Can be a very big help.
8
00:00:20,185 --> 00:00:23,504
It feels like you are
sitting on it, Guillermo!
9
00:00:23,588 --> 00:00:25,873
Guillermo is not always helpful.
10
00:00:25,957 --> 00:00:29,443
He can be inconsistent
and human.
11
00:00:29,527 --> 00:00:31,079
Guillermo?
12
00:00:31,163 --> 00:00:32,880
Are you hiding from me?
13
00:00:32,964 --> 00:00:34,315
Ha!
14
00:00:34,399 --> 00:00:37,140
And surprisingly sneaky.
15
00:00:37,265 --> 00:00:38,486
Guillermo?
16
00:00:38,570 --> 00:00:41,555
I am about to disembark
from my coffin.
17
00:00:41,639 --> 00:00:43,791
There's no one to hold my hand.
18
00:00:43,875 --> 00:00:47,228
He likes to test
my patience sometimes.
19
00:00:47,312 --> 00:00:48,262
He's like a kid.
20
00:00:48,346 --> 00:00:51,099
I got out of my coffin
all by myself.
21
00:00:51,183 --> 00:00:52,585
He's Guillermo.
22
00:00:52,670 --> 00:00:54,034
Guillermo?
23
00:00:54,453 --> 00:00:57,391
Guillermo, have you taken
another day off?
24
00:00:57,476 --> 00:00:59,407
Knew I shouldn't have
given him any days off.
25
00:00:59,491 --> 00:01:03,244
Shh. There's a vampire
approaching your room.
26
00:01:03,328 --> 00:01:04,695
Ha!
27
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
28
00:01:16,174 --> 00:01:17,585
He's gone.
29
00:01:20,912 --> 00:01:23,164
♪♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪♪
30
00:01:23,287 --> 00:01:25,812
♪♪ They have no use
for your song ♪♪
31
00:01:26,197 --> 00:01:28,883
♪♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪♪
32
00:01:28,968 --> 00:01:32,873
♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪♪
33
00:01:32,957 --> 00:01:35,671
♪♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪♪
34
00:01:35,756 --> 00:01:38,476
♪♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪♪
35
00:01:38,561 --> 00:01:41,165
♪♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪♪
36
00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:43,751
♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪♪
37
00:01:48,115 --> 00:01:49,953
*WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS*
Season 02 Episode 02
38
00:01:50,037 --> 00:01:52,281
Episode Title :"Théâtre des Vampires"
Aired on: June 10, 2020
39
00:01:53,232 --> 00:01:54,884
So, Guillermo has been gone
40
00:01:54,969 --> 00:01:57,120
for a few days now,
and as I predicted,
41
00:01:57,205 --> 00:01:59,491
we are doing absolutely fine.
42
00:01:59,575 --> 00:02:03,757
It's just so nice to have
the place to ourselves.
43
00:02:03,842 --> 00:02:05,763
Nandor, did you forget
to blow out
44
00:02:05,847 --> 00:02:07,001
the candles
before you went to bed?
45
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,830
Those candles are in the hallway
46
00:02:08,914 --> 00:02:11,667
and not in my room, so, no,
I did not blow them out!
47
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,436
Now the wall is all wet!
48
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:15,546
Nadja!
49
00:02:15,631 --> 00:02:18,084
I'm not drying that wall!
50
00:02:18,843 --> 00:02:20,209
So, as I was saying,
51
00:02:20,293 --> 00:02:23,312
it is just so nice to have
the house to ourselves.
52
00:02:23,396 --> 00:02:25,647
You know, having
a human familiar is great,
53
00:02:25,731 --> 00:02:28,068
but to rely on one, I mean...
54
00:02:29,229 --> 00:02:32,766
Even if they don't quit, how
long will a human familiar live?
55
00:02:32,851 --> 00:02:34,991
Hundred, 200 years?
56
00:02:35,075 --> 00:02:38,546
I mean, how old are you,
nine‐ 90?
57
00:02:38,631 --> 00:02:40,096
26.
26?
58
00:02:40,180 --> 00:02:42,431
Do you have long left,
do you think?
59
00:02:43,005 --> 00:02:44,545
Laszlo!
60
00:02:44,717 --> 00:02:46,202
Hello, my darling!
61
00:02:46,286 --> 00:02:47,269
Who's this?
62
00:02:47,353 --> 00:02:48,670
Victim, begone.
63
00:02:48,754 --> 00:02:51,507
Wait, you're not gonna drink
all of my blood till I die?
64
00:02:51,591 --> 00:02:52,741
Not tonight, Josephine.
65
00:02:52,825 --> 00:02:53,875
It's too messy.
66
00:02:53,959 --> 00:02:55,444
Easier if you just walk out.
67
00:02:55,529 --> 00:02:56,529
Bloody cheek...
68
00:02:58,464 --> 00:03:01,450
Who is leaving all these
bodies everywhere?!
69
00:03:01,534 --> 00:03:02,451
You did that.
70
00:03:02,535 --> 00:03:03,452
Hey, hey.
71
00:03:03,536 --> 00:03:06,522
What in the Sam Hill?!
72
00:03:06,606 --> 00:03:07,957
Careful!
73
00:03:08,041 --> 00:03:09,758
Jeepers creepers, you guys need
74
00:03:09,842 --> 00:03:11,760
to clean up
all these human juices.
75
00:03:11,844 --> 00:03:13,395
They'll dry on their own.
76
00:03:13,479 --> 00:03:14,997
Ah, crud, how am I supposed
77
00:03:15,081 --> 00:03:16,565
to go to work
looking like this?
78
00:03:16,649 --> 00:03:19,135
Can't you just change into
another of your beige suits?
79
00:03:19,219 --> 00:03:22,471
Yeah, I'll just say I got in
a bus accident or something.
80
00:03:22,704 --> 00:03:24,522
Damn it!
81
00:03:29,062 --> 00:03:30,812
Is anyone else a little chilly?
82
00:03:30,896 --> 00:03:32,581
Yeah, I'm as cold
as a witch's tit,
83
00:03:32,665 --> 00:03:35,135
because you let
the fire burn down.
84
00:03:36,636 --> 00:03:39,755
What are you wearing?
What are you wearing?
85
00:03:39,839 --> 00:03:42,358
Guillermo used to
take our clothes out once a week
86
00:03:42,442 --> 00:03:44,260
and bring them back clean,
and he's not here, so...
87
00:03:44,344 --> 00:03:45,843
Yeah, but where
did he take them?
88
00:03:45,928 --> 00:03:48,296
The river?
Oh, yes, that is a very good point.
89
00:03:48,381 --> 00:03:50,132
We should contact
the village washerwoman.
90
00:03:50,216 --> 00:03:52,078
Someone contact
the village washerwoman!
91
00:03:52,163 --> 00:03:53,748
I'm not doing that!
92
00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:55,851
I drove him away, didn't I?
93
00:03:56,033 --> 00:03:58,342
Perhaps I should've been
a bit more aloof with him.
94
00:03:58,427 --> 00:03:59,602
What are you fucking
talking about?
95
00:03:59,686 --> 00:04:01,203
He's just a familiar.
96
00:04:01,306 --> 00:04:02,724
You're right.
97
00:04:03,129 --> 00:04:04,947
Fuck that guy
for making me think
98
00:04:05,031 --> 00:04:06,882
I need to act more aloof!
99
00:04:06,966 --> 00:04:08,617
We're doing just great
without him.
100
00:04:08,701 --> 00:04:10,555
Everything is normal and fun.
101
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:11,829
You know, I did sense
102
00:04:11,914 --> 00:04:13,812
he was getting more
and more sad recently.
103
00:04:13,897 --> 00:04:16,057
I could smell it on him.
It comes from the groin.
104
00:04:16,142 --> 00:04:17,789
Ah.
Colin Robinson,
105
00:04:17,874 --> 00:04:20,461
take out your cellular telephone
and take a picture
106
00:04:20,546 --> 00:04:23,332
of me having fun
and then send it to Guillermo,
107
00:04:23,416 --> 00:04:26,039
so that he knows how much
I do not miss him.
108
00:04:26,124 --> 00:04:29,328
Aah! Aah...
109
00:04:29,413 --> 00:04:31,539
I don't even have
his phone number, so...
110
00:04:31,624 --> 00:04:33,542
Well, look it up.
111
00:04:33,626 --> 00:04:35,544
Uh, what's his last name?
112
00:04:35,628 --> 00:04:37,613
Uh...
113
00:04:38,531 --> 00:04:39,915
Greenberg?
114
00:04:40,420 --> 00:04:43,384
Mm, Guillermo B... Buillermo?
115
00:04:43,469 --> 00:04:44,753
Yeah, but you assume
that's his first name.
116
00:04:44,837 --> 00:04:45,757
Could be his last name.
117
00:04:45,842 --> 00:04:47,659
He could be called
Mickey Guillermo.
118
00:04:47,811 --> 00:04:49,124
Just look up "Guillermo."
119
00:04:49,209 --> 00:04:51,560
I'll do this just to show you
120
00:04:51,644 --> 00:04:53,362
how dumb you are.
121
00:04:53,446 --> 00:04:57,366
Yes, there are over
5,000 Guillermos
122
00:04:57,450 --> 00:04:59,401
in the New York
metropolitan area,
123
00:04:59,485 --> 00:05:02,571
including Mickey Guillermos,
of which there are four.
124
00:05:02,655 --> 00:05:04,673
Can we maybe narrow it down
a little bit?
125
00:05:04,757 --> 00:05:06,575
Yes, yes, of course we can.
126
00:05:06,659 --> 00:05:08,077
What else do we know about him
127
00:05:08,161 --> 00:05:10,996
besides his first name
being Guillermo?
128
00:05:17,103 --> 00:05:19,221
Door's ringing, Laszlo.
129
00:05:19,305 --> 00:05:20,689
Well,
you better go and answer it.
130
00:05:20,773 --> 00:05:21,923
YYou better go and answer it.
131
00:05:22,007 --> 00:05:24,226
You got to go and answer
the darntootin' door.
132
00:05:24,310 --> 00:05:25,928
Stop doing that!
Stop doing what?
133
00:05:26,012 --> 00:05:27,896
Come on, just go get the door.
134
00:05:27,980 --> 00:05:29,966
I'm not your Mr. Belvedere now.
135
00:05:30,050 --> 00:05:31,517
I'll do it then.
136
00:05:32,585 --> 00:05:34,336
I wanted to do it.
137
00:05:36,956 --> 00:05:38,240
Assistance, please?
138
00:05:38,324 --> 00:05:39,608
Ooh, it has a hex on it.
139
00:05:39,692 --> 00:05:41,577
Gizmo's probably cursed it.
140
00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:42,611
Pull!
141
00:05:42,695 --> 00:05:43,845
"Pull"?
Yeah.
142
00:05:43,929 --> 00:05:45,681
Aha!
Oh.
143
00:05:45,765 --> 00:05:47,683
Here you go.
Begone.
144
00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:51,253
Come back. You will forget
everything you have seen.
145
00:05:51,337 --> 00:05:54,156
Most importantly,
the way we are both dressed.
146
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,325
To the fancy room again.
147
00:05:56,409 --> 00:05:58,944
Well, who is it from?
Get it open.
148
00:05:59,612 --> 00:06:01,063
Well?
149
00:06:01,147 --> 00:06:03,532
It is from the
NouveauThéâtre des Vampires.
150
00:06:04,917 --> 00:06:06,802
And we have all been invited!
151
00:06:08,954 --> 00:06:10,606
Yes!
Yeah.
152
00:06:10,690 --> 00:06:14,043
The Nouveau
Théâtre des Vampires is
153
00:06:14,127 --> 00:06:16,645
a very, very big deal.
They travel from Europe
154
00:06:16,729 --> 00:06:19,081
to the United States
once every five years.
155
00:06:19,165 --> 00:06:23,785
And only the crème de la
crème de la creams of vampire society
156
00:06:23,869 --> 00:06:24,954
is invited.
157
00:06:25,038 --> 00:06:27,689
This is the first year
we have made the cut.
158
00:06:27,773 --> 00:06:28,958
Everyone who has seen it says
159
00:06:29,042 --> 00:06:30,592
it is magnificent.
160
00:06:30,676 --> 00:06:31,893
It is an allvampire cast
161
00:06:31,977 --> 00:06:33,862
and it is just
the most beautiful,
162
00:06:33,946 --> 00:06:36,165
eerie, poignant, important,
163
00:06:36,249 --> 00:06:38,667
important work. And I've
heard there's a lot of nudity.
164
00:06:38,751 --> 00:06:40,902
And I mean a lot,
and when I say a lot,
165
00:06:40,986 --> 00:06:43,839
I don't just mean a whiff
of tit, I mean the full rack.
166
00:06:43,923 --> 00:06:46,008
Full boobies, full boners.
167
00:06:46,092 --> 00:06:47,643
The full display.
168
00:06:47,727 --> 00:06:49,211
We're going to have so much fun.
169
00:06:49,295 --> 00:06:50,479
I am
170
00:06:50,563 --> 00:06:54,250
so Gdamn excited to be going
to the vampire theater.
171
00:06:54,334 --> 00:06:57,019
There's some genitalia on show
there that would make a human
172
00:06:57,103 --> 00:06:59,121
go, "What is that exactly?"
173
00:06:59,205 --> 00:07:01,374
So we shall be honored
to attend.
174
00:07:02,108 --> 00:07:03,425
Mmhmm.
Wait.
175
00:07:03,509 --> 00:07:06,795
What are we thinking?
We don't have any clothes!
176
00:07:06,879 --> 00:07:09,398
They are all soiled.
We cannot go dressed like this.
177
00:07:09,482 --> 00:07:11,400
She's right.
We can't go dressed like this.
178
00:07:11,484 --> 00:07:13,302
We'll be laughed
out of the place.
179
00:07:13,386 --> 00:07:15,237
They're not going
to let us in now.
180
00:07:15,321 --> 00:07:18,191
Goddamn it!
Damn!
181
00:07:20,993 --> 00:07:23,679
Wait, stop, guys, stop.
182
00:07:23,763 --> 00:07:26,099
Am I really
gonna do this? Do what?
183
00:07:27,367 --> 00:07:29,185
Listen.
184
00:07:29,269 --> 00:07:32,321
There is a way to get
your clothes back.
185
00:07:32,405 --> 00:07:35,224
Don't ask me how.
You don't want to know.
186
00:07:35,308 --> 00:07:36,993
There's a good chance
that I'm...
187
00:07:37,077 --> 00:07:38,660
not even gonna
make it back alive.
188
00:07:38,744 --> 00:07:41,530
You mean you might be killed,
Colin Robinson?
189
00:07:41,614 --> 00:07:43,165
We don't want you
to hurt yourself.
190
00:07:43,249 --> 00:07:44,500
Me neither, damn it.
191
00:07:44,584 --> 00:07:47,003
But if I do
this kindness for you,
192
00:07:47,087 --> 00:07:48,737
can I ask for one in return?
193
00:07:48,821 --> 00:07:49,972
Anything. What is it?
194
00:07:50,056 --> 00:07:53,275
I'd really like to move
out of my room in the basement.
195
00:07:53,359 --> 00:07:56,378
If you retrieve our clothes,
you can move into my room.
196
00:07:56,462 --> 00:07:58,614
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want your room.
197
00:07:58,698 --> 00:08:01,383
II just want to move into
that other room in the basement.
198
00:08:01,467 --> 00:08:04,386
Hmm? Sounds fair. Really?
199
00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:06,187
Go ahead. Do that now.
200
00:08:06,272 --> 00:08:08,691
I guess we're going
to the Théâtre!
201
00:08:12,645 --> 00:08:16,532
So, basically I needed to go
to the dry cleaners anyway.
202
00:08:16,616 --> 00:08:18,367
I just didn't want to make it
sound too easy for them,
203
00:08:18,451 --> 00:08:20,369
'cause you go
once or twice and then,
204
00:08:20,453 --> 00:08:22,204
all of a sudden
you're the goto
205
00:08:22,288 --> 00:08:23,562
dry cleaning fetcher.
206
00:08:23,647 --> 00:08:25,817
Colin Robinson wins again.
207
00:08:34,967 --> 00:08:37,853
Yeah, so I had to...
208
00:08:37,937 --> 00:08:41,057
I had to get out of there,
so...
209
00:08:41,141 --> 00:08:44,560
¿Mamá? Mamá.
210
00:08:44,644 --> 00:08:46,195
¡Mamá!
211
00:08:46,279 --> 00:08:47,796
Ah, tu película.
Sí.
212
00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:50,266
Okay.
213
00:08:50,350 --> 00:08:52,434
Our fridge broke today, so...
214
00:08:52,518 --> 00:08:54,070
But, yeah, I had
to get out of there.
215
00:08:54,154 --> 00:08:56,005
Never mind
that I'm prone to being
216
00:08:56,089 --> 00:08:57,739
a vampire slayer.
217
00:08:59,525 --> 00:09:01,310
I'm, like, killing vampires,
218
00:09:01,394 --> 00:09:02,378
killing, killing,
killing, killing,
219
00:09:02,462 --> 00:09:03,779
but also wanting
to be a vampire?
220
00:09:03,863 --> 00:09:06,548
I just had to think
about that and also
221
00:09:06,632 --> 00:09:09,485
manage my everyday duties,
which were falling
222
00:09:09,569 --> 00:09:12,138
at the wayside
because I wasn't focused.
223
00:09:18,144 --> 00:09:19,929
This is it.
This is my life now.
224
00:09:20,013 --> 00:09:21,663
You know?
And I'm happy with that.
225
00:09:21,747 --> 00:09:22,764
I'm content.
226
00:09:30,456 --> 00:09:32,174
Okay.
227
00:09:32,258 --> 00:09:33,943
She's happy that I'm home.
228
00:09:34,027 --> 00:09:35,611
It's good to be wanted.
229
00:09:35,695 --> 00:09:38,514
And I do miss them.
I miss them a lot.
230
00:09:38,598 --> 00:09:41,567
I'll be right back.
231
00:09:43,369 --> 00:09:45,121
Okay, yyo tengo un minifridge.
232
00:09:45,205 --> 00:09:46,722
Or I had a minifridge.
Well, actually,
233
00:09:46,806 --> 00:09:49,225
it's my friend Topher's,
but, you know, he's dead now.
234
00:09:49,309 --> 00:09:50,226
Ay, pobrecito.
235
00:09:50,310 --> 00:09:51,360
No, sorry, no.
236
00:09:51,444 --> 00:09:53,362
He was dead. II'll go get it.
237
00:09:56,849 --> 00:09:58,584
Staten Island.
238
00:10:01,187 --> 00:10:04,206
Secret entrance. Very cool.
239
00:10:04,290 --> 00:10:05,441
So glad you could join us.
240
00:10:05,525 --> 00:10:07,676
I don't like our seats.
You haven't seen them.
241
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,979
I don't like seats.
Get in there.
242
00:10:10,063 --> 00:10:12,381
And here are your media passes.
Thanks.
243
00:10:12,465 --> 00:10:15,268
Make sure you keep them
on you at all times.
244
00:10:17,070 --> 00:10:19,855
We've waited 500
years for an invite to this, you know?
245
00:10:19,939 --> 00:10:21,823
We should have been
to many more, but...
246
00:10:21,907 --> 00:10:24,760
Well, here you are now.
Here we are now.
247
00:10:24,844 --> 00:10:26,428
Right this way, sir.
Ah...
248
00:10:26,512 --> 00:10:28,664
Thank you very much.
Good evening.
249
00:10:28,748 --> 00:10:31,867
Good evening.
Ooh, very nice seats.
250
00:10:31,951 --> 00:10:33,135
I should damn well think so.
251
00:10:33,219 --> 00:10:35,537
"I guess I must be
in the front row."
252
00:10:35,621 --> 00:10:36,805
No, you're sitting here with us.
253
00:10:36,889 --> 00:10:39,341
No, it's Bob Uecker,
from a commercial in the '80s.
254
00:10:39,425 --> 00:10:41,410
He was the Milwaukee Brewers
announcer...
255
00:10:41,494 --> 00:10:43,612
A wonderful anecdote.
256
00:10:43,696 --> 00:10:45,547
We should be in and out,
257
00:10:45,631 --> 00:10:47,016
so it's not gonna be weird.
258
00:10:48,668 --> 00:10:49,952
Hello?
259
00:10:50,036 --> 00:10:53,155
If it gets uncomfortable,
I'll just give you a signal.
260
00:10:53,239 --> 00:10:54,923
I'll just do eyes like that.
261
00:10:55,007 --> 00:10:57,226
Hello? Whoa! Ow...
262
00:11:01,281 --> 00:11:03,992
Nadja? Laszlo?
263
00:11:04,077 --> 00:11:06,391
Mas... Nandor?
264
00:11:06,476 --> 00:11:07,769
Colin Robinson?
265
00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:09,640
Where is everyone?
Hello.
266
00:11:09,881 --> 00:11:11,075
You scared me.
267
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,530
You scare easy.
268
00:11:12,615 --> 00:11:14,749
They knew you'd be back.
Where is everyone?
269
00:11:14,834 --> 00:11:16,611
They went out.
Out? Wow.
270
00:11:16,696 --> 00:11:18,380
Where did they go?
To the Théâtre.
271
00:11:18,464 --> 00:11:21,093
They're having a great life
without you.
272
00:11:21,178 --> 00:11:24,047
The invitation is over there
if you don't believe me.
273
00:11:24,132 --> 00:11:25,854
Very exclusive event.
274
00:11:25,938 --> 00:11:27,789
"You're cordially
invited to the Nouveau Théâtre
275
00:11:27,873 --> 00:11:28,991
des Vampires..."
276
00:11:29,075 --> 00:11:30,626
That's French.
277
00:11:30,710 --> 00:11:32,661
It's like a theater.
Do you see that?
278
00:11:32,745 --> 00:11:34,931
There's a guy hanging.
It's pretty clever, it's...
279
00:11:35,015 --> 00:11:37,250
Geez, the work on this is so...
280
00:11:39,385 --> 00:11:41,270
Is that...?
Does that look like a...?
281
00:11:41,354 --> 00:11:43,105
It's the Vampiric Council.
282
00:11:43,189 --> 00:11:45,007
Dark greetings of the night.
283
00:11:47,393 --> 00:11:49,178
Only an idiot would go
to something like this.
284
00:11:49,262 --> 00:11:50,346
This is clearly a trap.
285
00:11:50,430 --> 00:11:52,181
They... Did they go to this?
286
00:11:52,265 --> 00:11:54,650
Uh, yeah.
Oh, God.
287
00:11:54,734 --> 00:11:56,818
They're all gonna die.
288
00:11:56,902 --> 00:11:58,920
I'm gonna go. It's started already,
so I'm gonna go, okay? Good luck.
289
00:11:59,004 --> 00:12:01,923
I do not think you will
succeed. I'm gonna go. Shut up.
290
00:12:02,007 --> 00:12:04,460
Is that Mikhail the Awful?
291
00:12:04,544 --> 00:12:06,095
Yes, that is.
Hmm?
292
00:12:06,179 --> 00:12:07,447
Good evening, Mikhail.
293
00:12:08,214 --> 00:12:09,665
The man is a total prick.
294
00:12:09,749 --> 00:12:11,667
He's nowhere near as funny
as he thinks he is.
295
00:12:11,751 --> 00:12:13,835
Oh.
That is Maricela,
296
00:12:13,919 --> 00:12:15,504
Mistress of the Night.
Ha!
297
00:12:15,588 --> 00:12:17,039
More like Maricela,
298
00:12:17,123 --> 00:12:19,375
Mistress of the Shitty Seats.
299
00:12:19,459 --> 00:12:21,877
A lot of heavy hitters
in the house tonight.
300
00:12:21,961 --> 00:12:24,213
Even from
the energy vampire world.
301
00:12:24,297 --> 00:12:26,182
Todd Smith. Saw him naked once.
302
00:12:26,266 --> 00:12:28,217
It's Pamela.
303
00:12:28,301 --> 00:12:30,352
Pamela's here. It's Pamela.
304
00:12:30,436 --> 00:12:32,021
Don't embarrass me.
305
00:12:51,091 --> 00:12:53,209
Whoa.
306
00:12:57,130 --> 00:12:59,365
Hell yeah.
307
00:13:09,709 --> 00:13:11,627
I know how he did that.
308
00:13:11,711 --> 00:13:12,828
Will you just
let me enjoy it, please?
309
00:13:12,912 --> 00:13:15,697
Good evening,
citizens of the night.
310
00:13:15,781 --> 00:13:19,835
Kings and queens,
princes and potentates,
311
00:13:19,919 --> 00:13:23,239
ladies and gentlemen,
vampires all.
312
00:13:23,323 --> 00:13:25,207
Yes.
313
00:13:26,859 --> 00:13:28,744
Nice shimmy.
He's good, this guy.
314
00:13:28,828 --> 00:13:31,080
Tonight our performance
is different.
315
00:13:31,164 --> 00:13:33,915
Tonight is something
a little bit special.
316
00:13:33,999 --> 00:13:36,752
Oh. We all know the
reason that we are here.
317
00:13:36,836 --> 00:13:39,255
Well, most of us do.
318
00:13:39,339 --> 00:13:41,490
So, without any further ado,
319
00:13:41,574 --> 00:13:46,128
please make welcome
our guests of honor.
320
00:13:46,212 --> 00:13:47,629
Oh...
Oh, thank you.
321
00:13:47,713 --> 00:13:49,598
Oh, that's us. Greetings.
Us?
322
00:13:49,682 --> 00:13:50,799
Hi, everyone.
Hey!
323
00:13:50,883 --> 00:13:51,667
Easy there.
324
00:13:51,751 --> 00:13:54,170
No! Get off me!
Good Lord.
325
00:13:54,254 --> 00:13:55,504
This is silver rope.
326
00:13:55,588 --> 00:13:57,706
Ow.
Oh, shit.
327
00:13:57,790 --> 00:14:00,142
I recognize that man.
He was at the Vampire Council.
328
00:14:00,226 --> 00:14:01,577
Yes.
Shit.
329
00:14:01,661 --> 00:14:05,181
There is but one crime
to us vampires here.
330
00:14:05,265 --> 00:14:09,351
It is the one crime
that means death to any vampire:
331
00:14:09,435 --> 00:14:11,387
killing your own kind.
332
00:14:11,471 --> 00:14:12,688
Oh, this shithead.
333
00:14:12,772 --> 00:14:14,056
We've never done that.
We never did that.
334
00:14:14,140 --> 00:14:16,258
Boo. Boo.
335
00:14:16,342 --> 00:14:17,342
Don't boo us.
336
00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:22,031
With Baron Afanas,
337
00:14:22,115 --> 00:14:24,566
'twas four against one.
338
00:14:24,650 --> 00:14:26,735
Is that
supposed to be us? No idea.
339
00:14:26,819 --> 00:14:28,470
They opened the door
340
00:14:28,554 --> 00:14:30,423
and let through the sun.
341
00:14:32,425 --> 00:14:34,676
Very shocking.
342
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,013
This is absurd.
343
00:14:37,097 --> 00:14:40,582
That never happened. We would
never prance around like tits.
344
00:14:40,666 --> 00:14:42,851
This is all shit!
I would never highfive.
345
00:14:42,935 --> 00:14:45,121
I'll be honest with you,
my lookalike
346
00:14:45,205 --> 00:14:47,607
is kind of giving me a chub.
347
00:14:49,142 --> 00:14:51,693
Ludwig the guard,
348
00:14:51,777 --> 00:14:55,531
just doing his job,
skewered through the heart,
349
00:14:55,615 --> 00:14:57,166
a vampire kebab.
350
00:14:58,951 --> 00:15:00,169
Boo!
351
00:15:00,253 --> 00:15:01,470
That wasn't even their fault.
352
00:15:01,554 --> 00:15:03,805
Stay back!
353
00:15:03,889 --> 00:15:06,575
Boo you!
Shut up, Pamela.
354
00:15:06,659 --> 00:15:09,111
Did we do this? NANDOR:
We didn't do that. Did you guys do that?
355
00:15:09,195 --> 00:15:11,813
None of us did that.
Well, don't look at me.
356
00:15:11,897 --> 00:15:12,982
This seems like one of those
things that you guys
357
00:15:13,066 --> 00:15:15,501
all did together
and didn't include me.
358
00:15:16,336 --> 00:15:17,753
What's this shit?
359
00:15:17,837 --> 00:15:20,022
Hold on a second.
We were promised nudity.
360
00:15:20,106 --> 00:15:22,024
Penis and full bush.
This is a swiz.
361
00:15:22,108 --> 00:15:24,493
I am sorry, but when I dance,
362
00:15:24,577 --> 00:15:25,861
the ocean parts.
363
00:15:25,945 --> 00:15:28,064
She has absolutely
no rhythm whatsoever.
364
00:15:28,148 --> 00:15:29,198
This is your hot take?
365
00:15:29,282 --> 00:15:31,067
That you have a problem
with the choreography?
366
00:15:31,151 --> 00:15:32,534
Oh, okay. There I am.
367
00:15:32,618 --> 00:15:34,536
Assassins were sent
368
00:15:34,620 --> 00:15:37,073
to bring them to justice.
369
00:15:37,157 --> 00:15:41,077
They murdered them all
by bringing the ruckus.
370
00:15:43,063 --> 00:15:44,380
Boo.
371
00:15:44,464 --> 00:15:45,814
Very clunky rhyme.
372
00:15:45,898 --> 00:15:48,450
I think it's a
WuTang reference.
373
00:15:48,534 --> 00:15:49,785
"Bring the Ruckus."
374
00:15:49,869 --> 00:15:50,987
All I know is, I haven't had
375
00:15:51,071 --> 00:15:53,622
a whiff of Wu or Tang.
Exactly.
376
00:15:53,706 --> 00:15:55,691
Oh. NANDOR: They're
throwing his head around
377
00:15:55,775 --> 00:15:58,560
like a beach ball.
378
00:15:58,644 --> 00:16:01,230
A vampire family
379
00:16:01,314 --> 00:16:02,731
who loved one another.
380
00:16:02,815 --> 00:16:04,866
You slaughtered them all.
381
00:16:06,252 --> 00:16:07,887
Word to the mother.
382
00:16:10,923 --> 00:16:13,559
Then laughing about it.
383
00:16:14,526 --> 00:16:15,807
I mean, I have I'm clueless.
384
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:16,778
I have no idea.
385
00:16:16,862 --> 00:16:19,232
We didn't do any of this shit!
386
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:22,051
Uh, I think
they're going for some sort
387
00:16:22,135 --> 00:16:24,086
of Hamilton vibe?
388
00:16:26,372 --> 00:16:28,090
You're too kind. We can all do it.
389
00:16:28,174 --> 00:16:28,857
We're vampires.
390
00:16:28,941 --> 00:16:31,227
You murdered Baron Afanas
391
00:16:31,311 --> 00:16:34,430
and were sentenced to death
by the Vampiric Council.
392
00:16:34,514 --> 00:16:36,832
Mm.
You escaped, witnesses say,
393
00:16:36,916 --> 00:16:40,002
with the help
of a Dilbertlooking guy.
394
00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:42,171
What is that? Hey,
dudes.
395
00:16:42,255 --> 00:16:44,106
We don't know how,
but we don't like it.
396
00:16:44,190 --> 00:16:48,945
Tonight, he will join us
for the grand finale.
397
00:16:54,551 --> 00:16:56,236
Fuck me!
398
00:16:57,870 --> 00:16:59,621
And that's a reminder to all of us.
399
00:16:59,705 --> 00:17:01,123
Don't murder vampires.
We didn't!
400
00:17:01,207 --> 00:17:03,325
Don't do it.
All right, bring them
401
00:17:03,409 --> 00:17:04,603
to the stage.
What?
402
00:17:04,688 --> 00:17:06,940
No. Get your...
Don't touch me.
403
00:17:07,321 --> 00:17:08,806
Hey! Get...
Help!
404
00:17:08,891 --> 00:17:10,465
Who the hell
do you think you are?
405
00:17:10,550 --> 00:17:12,134
Heck you looking at, Pamela?
406
00:17:12,218 --> 00:17:13,335
Glad you're filming this.
407
00:17:13,419 --> 00:17:15,021
We can show it next year.
408
00:17:20,045 --> 00:17:22,601
And while we wait
for the guillotine thing
409
00:17:22,686 --> 00:17:24,580
thing to be set up again,
410
00:17:24,664 --> 00:17:26,782
we just have a short
in memoriam video,
411
00:17:26,866 --> 00:17:30,019
remembering those vampires
we've lost over the year.
412
00:17:30,103 --> 00:17:31,420
You're hurting me!
413
00:17:35,341 --> 00:17:37,193
Oh, I didn't know he was gone.
414
00:17:37,277 --> 00:17:38,961
I can get to my wallet.
It's in my big pocket.
415
00:17:39,045 --> 00:17:40,796
No one misses him.
If you unlock me,
416
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,398
then I can get it.
417
00:17:42,482 --> 00:17:44,400
Met her once.
418
00:17:44,484 --> 00:17:47,787
He died because he got confused
on daylight savings.
419
00:17:48,436 --> 00:17:50,722
Such a long video.
420
00:17:51,307 --> 00:17:53,942
A reminder to us all,
life is short.
421
00:17:55,528 --> 00:17:57,947
Ouch! My wrists! Very tight.
422
00:17:58,031 --> 00:18:00,950
This is not fair.
We didn't kill any vampires.
423
00:18:01,034 --> 00:18:02,118
Did we?!
424
00:18:02,202 --> 00:18:03,119
No.
No!
425
00:18:03,203 --> 00:18:04,786
We all saw the reenactments.
No.
426
00:18:04,870 --> 00:18:06,788
If you want
to know who killed The Baron,
427
00:18:06,872 --> 00:18:08,958
we know who killed The Baron,
don't we, guys?
428
00:18:09,042 --> 00:18:10,626
Yes. Yes. Yeah.
429
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:14,296
All right.
The Baron was killed...
430
00:18:14,380 --> 00:18:16,498
by a chap named...
431
00:18:16,582 --> 00:18:18,867
Guillermo!
432
00:18:18,951 --> 00:18:20,502
Unbelievable.
433
00:18:20,586 --> 00:18:22,071
Guillermo.
Anyone know Guillermo?
434
00:18:22,155 --> 00:18:23,439
Guillermo who?
435
00:18:23,523 --> 00:18:24,806
Uh, we don't know
his second name.
436
00:18:24,890 --> 00:18:28,377
Uh, maybe...
GGuillermo Buillermo?
437
00:18:28,461 --> 00:18:30,947
Guillermo Buillermo?
Well, we don't really know.
438
00:18:31,031 --> 00:18:32,881
WilWilkinson?
I can't tell
439
00:18:32,965 --> 00:18:34,016
if they're covering for me,
440
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:35,917
or if they really don't know
my last name.
441
00:18:36,001 --> 00:18:38,054
He was my familiar,
and when I found out
442
00:18:38,138 --> 00:18:40,856
that my own familiar
was killing vampires
443
00:18:40,940 --> 00:18:44,226
all over the place, I was so angry
with him. -
444
00:18:44,310 --> 00:18:46,062
Mm.
So angry, so...
445
00:18:46,146 --> 00:18:49,665
I killed him
with my... bare hands!
446
00:18:49,749 --> 00:18:51,067
You...
447
00:18:51,151 --> 00:18:53,835
You killed Gizmo?
Kind of harsh.
448
00:18:53,919 --> 00:18:55,804
And just for the record,
it had nothing
449
00:18:55,888 --> 00:18:58,707
to do with the fact that
he may have walked out on me
450
00:18:58,791 --> 00:19:00,042
after ten years.
451
00:19:00,126 --> 00:19:01,777
You know,
when you care about someone,
452
00:19:01,861 --> 00:19:03,545
and they just walk out the door.
453
00:19:03,629 --> 00:19:05,347
"Oh, I've had enough of you."
454
00:19:05,431 --> 00:19:06,949
Yes, killing vampires.
Okay, you're getting into
455
00:19:07,033 --> 00:19:08,250
some of
your personal issues now.
456
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:11,620
So I ripped his head off,
and his arms and his legs.
457
00:19:11,704 --> 00:19:13,722
And I buried them all
in the ground,
458
00:19:13,806 --> 00:19:15,357
so everything is fine now.
459
00:19:15,441 --> 00:19:17,726
Can we go home, please?
Blaming the familiar.
460
00:19:17,810 --> 00:19:19,828
Yes, we've all done it.
461
00:19:19,912 --> 00:19:23,232
But what would that look like
a familiar attack?
462
00:19:23,316 --> 00:19:25,534
Something like this?
463
00:19:31,124 --> 00:19:33,309
It's like a cartoon.
464
00:19:33,393 --> 00:19:35,511
Guillermo
is much smaller than this.
465
00:19:35,595 --> 00:19:37,246
Again, over the top.
466
00:19:37,330 --> 00:19:40,549
It's cute.
467
00:19:40,633 --> 00:19:41,883
Let him go!
468
00:19:45,438 --> 00:19:48,224
Ridiculous, as you can see,
from the simulation.
469
00:19:48,308 --> 00:19:51,060
This guy.
470
00:19:51,144 --> 00:19:53,562
Oh. My.
471
00:19:55,581 --> 00:19:59,301
No, it's too weird.
No, just Go, go, get up.
472
00:19:59,385 --> 00:20:02,771
I don't get it.
Is this still the show?
473
00:20:02,855 --> 00:20:04,073
Sorry!
474
00:20:08,094 --> 00:20:09,711
He's killing vampires.
475
00:20:16,736 --> 00:20:18,287
Get off him! Shoo!
476
00:20:19,905 --> 00:20:21,690
Holy water!
477
00:20:29,115 --> 00:20:31,500
The balls of that little chap.
478
00:20:34,487 --> 00:20:36,939
Behind you!
479
00:20:37,023 --> 00:20:38,891
Get him, too!
480
00:20:48,134 --> 00:20:50,519
Guillermo?
481
00:20:50,603 --> 00:20:53,506
Is there something
you haven't been telling us?
482
00:20:57,577 --> 00:21:00,513
My name's Guillermo de la Cruz.
483
00:21:02,174 --> 00:21:04,283
Oh. Don't care what
the fuck your name is.
484
00:21:04,368 --> 00:21:06,770
We had to pick up
our own laundry!
485
00:21:47,827 --> 00:21:50,830
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