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1
00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:09,200
Guillermo!
2
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,420
The coffin is stuck again!
3
00:00:13,900 --> 00:00:15,160
Guillermo?
4
00:00:15,210 --> 00:00:16,820
The lid is very heavy.
5
00:00:16,860 --> 00:00:18,210
Are you sitting on it?
6
00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:21,520
A vampire's familiar
can be important.
7
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:23,300
Can be a very big help.
8
00:00:23,350 --> 00:00:26,310
It feels like you are
sitting on it, Guillermo!
9
00:00:26,350 --> 00:00:28,920
Guillermo is not always helpful.
10
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:32,220
He can be inconsistent
and human.
11
00:00:32,270 --> 00:00:33,920
Guillermo?
12
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,620
Are you hiding from me?
13
00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,320
Ha!
14
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,320
And surprisingly sneaky.
15
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,450
Guillermo?
16
00:00:41,490 --> 00:00:44,410
I am about to disembark
from my coffin.
17
00:00:44,450 --> 00:00:46,800
There's no one to hold my hand.
18
00:00:46,850 --> 00:00:50,160
He likes to test
my patience sometimes.
19
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,160
He's like a kid.
20
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,940
I got out of my coffin
all by myself.
21
00:00:53,980 --> 00:00:55,730
He's Guillermo.
22
00:00:55,770 --> 00:00:56,900
Guillermo?
23
00:00:56,940 --> 00:01:00,170
Guillermo, have you taken
another day off?
24
00:01:00,210 --> 00:01:02,470
Knew I shouldn't have
given him anydays off.
25
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:06,170
Shh. There's a vampire
approaching your room.
26
00:01:06,210 --> 00:01:08,520
Ha!
27
00:01:18,970 --> 00:01:21,580
He's gone.
28
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,370
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
29
00:01:26,410 --> 00:01:28,760
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
30
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,410
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
31
00:01:31,460 --> 00:01:34,160
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
32
00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:38,990
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
33
00:01:39,030 --> 00:01:41,680
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
34
00:01:41,730 --> 00:01:44,170
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
35
00:01:44,210 --> 00:01:46,690
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
36
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,530
So, Guillermo has been gone
37
00:01:57,570 --> 00:01:59,920
for a few days now,
and as I predicted,
38
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,230
we are doing absolutely fine.
39
00:02:02,270 --> 00:02:07,150
It's just so nice to have
the place to ourselves.
40
00:02:07,190 --> 00:02:08,336
Nandor, did you forget
to blow out
41
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,100
the candles
before you went to bed?
42
00:02:10,150 --> 00:02:11,800
Those candles are in the hallway
43
00:02:11,850 --> 00:02:14,540
and not in my room, so, no,
I did not blow them out!
44
00:02:14,590 --> 00:02:17,460
Now the wall is all wet!
45
00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:18,630
Nadja!
46
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,200
I'm not drying that wall!
47
00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:23,420
So, as I was saying,
48
00:02:23,470 --> 00:02:26,290
it is just so nice to have
the house to ourselves.
49
00:02:26,340 --> 00:02:28,510
You know, having
a human familiar is great,
50
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,780
but to rely on one, I mean...
51
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:35,390
Even if they don't quit,
howlong will a human familiar live?
52
00:02:35,430 --> 00:02:38,050
Hundred, 200 years?
53
00:02:38,090 --> 00:02:41,790
I mean, how old are you,
nine... 90?
54
00:02:41,830 --> 00:02:43,220
- 26.
- 26?
55
00:02:43,270 --> 00:02:45,440
Do you have long left,
do you think?
56
00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:47,490
Laszlo!
57
00:02:47,530 --> 00:02:49,060
Hello, my darling!
58
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:50,190
Who's this?
59
00:02:50,230 --> 00:02:51,840
Victim, begone.
60
00:02:51,890 --> 00:02:54,280
Wait, you're not gonna drink
all of my blood till I die?
61
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:55,630
Not tonight, Josephine.
62
00:02:55,670 --> 00:02:56,850
It's too messy.
63
00:02:56,890 --> 00:02:58,460
Easier if you just walk out.
64
00:02:58,500 --> 00:02:59,500
Bloody cheek...
65
00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:04,460
Who is leaving all these
bodies everywhere?!
66
00:03:04,510 --> 00:03:05,460
You did that.
67
00:03:05,510 --> 00:03:06,470
Hey, hey.
68
00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:09,250
What in the Sam Hill?!
69
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:10,990
Careful!
70
00:03:11,030 --> 00:03:12,650
Jeepers creepers, you guys need
71
00:03:12,690 --> 00:03:14,650
to clean up
all these human juices.
72
00:03:14,690 --> 00:03:16,390
They'll dry on their own.
73
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,040
Ah, crud, how am I supposed
74
00:03:18,090 --> 00:03:19,650
to go to work looking like this?
75
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,260
Can't you just change into
another of your beige suits?
76
00:03:22,310 --> 00:03:25,480
Yeah, I'll just say I got in
a bus accident or something.
77
00:03:25,530 --> 00:03:27,310
Damn it!
78
00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:33,710
Is anyone else a little chilly?
79
00:03:33,750 --> 00:03:35,360
Yeah, I'm as cold
as a witch's tit,
80
00:03:35,410 --> 00:03:37,840
because you let
the fire burn down.
81
00:03:39,670 --> 00:03:42,980
- What are you wearing?
- What are youwearing?
82
00:03:43,020 --> 00:03:45,330
Guillermo used to take
our clothes out once a week
83
00:03:45,370 --> 00:03:47,460
and bring them back clean,
and he's not here, so...
84
00:03:47,510 --> 00:03:49,120
Yeah, but where
did he take them?
85
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,510
- The river?
- Oh, yes, that is a very good point.
86
00:03:51,550 --> 00:03:53,250
We should contact
the village washerwoman.
87
00:03:53,290 --> 00:03:55,250
Someone contact
the village washerwoman!
88
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:57,040
I'm not doing that!
89
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,170
I drove him away, didn't I?
90
00:03:59,210 --> 00:04:01,300
Perhaps I should've been
a bit more aloof with him.
91
00:04:01,350 --> 00:04:02,910
What are you fucking
talking about?
92
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,570
He's just a familiar.
93
00:04:04,610 --> 00:04:06,090
You're right.
94
00:04:06,130 --> 00:04:07,920
Fuck that guy
for making me think
95
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,830
I need to act more aloof!
96
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:11,400
We're doing just great
without him.
97
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,140
Everything is normal and fun.
98
00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:14,450
You know, I did sense
99
00:04:14,490 --> 00:04:17,060
he was getting more
and more sad recently.
100
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:19,100
I could smell it on him.
It comes from the groin.
101
00:04:19,150 --> 00:04:21,100
- Ah.
- Colin Robinson,
102
00:04:21,150 --> 00:04:23,460
take out your cellular
telephoneand take a picture
103
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:26,550
of me having fun
and then send it to Guillermo,
104
00:04:26,590 --> 00:04:29,330
so that he knows how much
I do not miss him.
105
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:32,420
Aah! Aah...
106
00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:34,550
I don't even have
his phone number, so...
107
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,560
Well, look it up.
108
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,560
Uh, what's his last name?
109
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,390
Uh...
110
00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:42,870
Greenberg?
111
00:04:42,910 --> 00:04:46,610
Mm, Guillermo B... Buillermo?
112
00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:47,610
Yeah, but you assume
that's his first name.
113
00:04:47,650 --> 00:04:49,050
Could be his last name.
114
00:04:49,090 --> 00:04:50,870
He could be called
Mickey Guillermo.
115
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,180
Just look up "Guillermo."
116
00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:54,570
I'll do this just to show you
117
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:56,580
how dumb you are.
118
00:04:56,620 --> 00:05:00,580
Yes, there are over
5,000 Guillermos
119
00:05:00,620 --> 00:05:02,620
in the New York
metropolitan area,
120
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:05,630
including Mickey Guillermos,
of which there are four.
121
00:05:05,670 --> 00:05:07,460
Can we maybe narrow it down
a little bit?
122
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,590
Yes, yes, of course we can.
123
00:05:09,630 --> 00:05:11,110
What else do we know about him
124
00:05:11,150 --> 00:05:13,550
besides his first name
being Guillermo?
125
00:05:20,030 --> 00:05:22,340
Door's ringing, Laszlo.
126
00:05:22,380 --> 00:05:23,496
Well, you better go
and answer it.
127
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:24,820
Y- Youbetter go and answer it.
128
00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:27,350
You got to go and answer
the darn-tootin' door.
129
00:05:27,390 --> 00:05:28,870
- Stop doing that!
- Stop doing what?
130
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,780
Come on, just go get the door.
131
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,920
I'm not your Mr. Belvedere now.
132
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,400
I'll do it then.
133
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:37,180
I wanted to do it.
134
00:05:39,790 --> 00:05:41,360
Assistance, please?
135
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,620
Ooh, it has a hex on it.
136
00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:44,580
Gizmo's probably cursed it.
137
00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:45,620
Pull!
138
00:05:45,670 --> 00:05:46,710
- "Pull"?
- Yeah.
139
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,410
- Aha!
- Oh.
140
00:05:48,450 --> 00:05:50,760
- Here you go.
- Begone.
141
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,370
Come back. You will forget
everything you have seen.
142
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:57,200
Most importantly,
the way we are both dressed.
143
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,460
To the fancy room again.
144
00:05:59,510 --> 00:06:01,420
- Well, who is it from?
- Get it open.
145
00:06:02,510 --> 00:06:04,030
Well?
146
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,470
It is from the
Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires.
147
00:06:07,690 --> 00:06:09,600
And we have all been invited!
148
00:06:11,780 --> 00:06:13,610
- Yes!
- Yeah.
149
00:06:13,650 --> 00:06:17,000
The Nouveau Théâtre
des Vampires is
150
00:06:17,050 --> 00:06:19,660
- a very, very big deal.
- They travel from Europe
151
00:06:19,700 --> 00:06:22,400
to the United States
once every five years.
152
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:26,580
And only the crème de la crme
de la creams of vampire society
153
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,010
is invited.
154
00:06:28,060 --> 00:06:30,710
This is the first year
we have made the cut.
155
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:31,866
Everyone who has seen it says
156
00:06:31,890 --> 00:06:33,590
it is magnificent.
157
00:06:33,630 --> 00:06:34,760
It is an all-vampire cast
158
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,680
and it is just
the most beautiful,
159
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,200
eerie, poignant, important,
160
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,680
- important work.
- And I've heard there's a lot of nudity.
161
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,070
And I mean a lot,
and when I say a lot,
162
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,640
I don't just mean a whiff
of tit, I mean the full rack.
163
00:06:46,690 --> 00:06:48,900
Full boobies, full boners.
164
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,650
The full display.
165
00:06:50,690 --> 00:06:52,260
We're going to have so much fun.
166
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:53,610
I am
167
00:06:53,650 --> 00:06:57,300
so G-damn excited to be going
to the vampire theater.
168
00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,960
There's some genitalia on show
there that would make a human
169
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,090
go, "What is that exactly?"
170
00:07:02,140 --> 00:07:04,090
So we shall be honored
to attend.
171
00:07:05,010 --> 00:07:06,570
- Mm-hmm.
- Wait.
172
00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:09,880
What are we thinking?
We don't have any clothes!
173
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,540
They are all soiled. We
cannot go dressed like this.
174
00:07:12,580 --> 00:07:14,540
She's right.
We can't go dressed like this.
175
00:07:14,580 --> 00:07:16,370
We'll be laughed
out of the place.
176
00:07:16,410 --> 00:07:18,280
They're not going
to let us in now.
177
00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:20,760
- Goddamn it!
- Damn!
178
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:26,680
Wait, stop, guys, stop.
179
00:07:26,730 --> 00:07:28,640
- Am I really gonna do this?
- Do what?
180
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,080
Listen.
181
00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:35,390
There is a way to get
your clothes back.
182
00:07:35,430 --> 00:07:38,260
Don't ask me how.
You don't want to know.
183
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,870
There's a good chance
that I'm...
184
00:07:39,910 --> 00:07:41,650
not even gonna
make it back alive.
185
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:44,740
You mean you might be killed,
Colin Robinson?
186
00:07:44,790 --> 00:07:46,150
We don't want you
to hurt yourself.
187
00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:47,700
Me neither, damn it.
188
00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:49,880
But if I do
this kindness for you,
189
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,750
can I ask for one in return?
190
00:07:51,790 --> 00:07:52,880
Anything. What is it?
191
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:56,320
I'd really like to moveout
of my room in the basement.
192
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,500
If you retrieve our clothes,
you can move into my room.
193
00:07:59,540 --> 00:08:01,540
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want your room.
194
00:08:01,590 --> 00:08:04,500
I- I just want to move intothat
other room in the basement.
195
00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:07,510
- Hmm? - Sounds fair. - Really?
196
00:08:07,550 --> 00:08:09,720
Go ahead. Do that now.
197
00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:11,900
I guess we're going
to the Théâtre!
198
00:08:15,820 --> 00:08:19,730
So, basically I needed to go
to the dry cleaners anyway.
199
00:08:19,780 --> 00:08:21,496
I just didn't want to make it
sound too easy for them,
200
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,430
'cause you go
once or twice and then,
201
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:25,170
all of a sudden you're the go-to
202
00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:26,700
dry cleaning fetcher.
203
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,700
Colin Robinson wins again.
204
00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:40,890
Yeah, so I had to...
205
00:08:40,930 --> 00:08:43,890
I had to get out of there, so...
206
00:08:43,930 --> 00:08:47,370
¿Mamá? Mamá.
207
00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:49,160
Mamá!
208
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,770
- Ah, tu película.
- Sí.
209
00:08:50,810 --> 00:08:53,200
Okay.
210
00:08:53,250 --> 00:08:55,510
Our fridge broke today, so...
211
00:08:55,550 --> 00:08:56,966
But, yeah, I had
to get out of there.
212
00:08:56,990 --> 00:08:58,770
Never mind
that I'm prone to being
213
00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:00,650
a vampire slayer.
214
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,260
I'm, like, killing vampires,
215
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:05,456
killing, killing,
killing, killing,
216
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:06,756
but also wanting
to be a vampire?
217
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,650
I just had to think
about that and also
218
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,570
manage my everyday duties,
which were falling
219
00:09:12,610 --> 00:09:14,620
at the wayside
because I wasn't focused.
220
00:09:20,930 --> 00:09:22,620
This is it.
This is my life now.
221
00:09:22,670 --> 00:09:24,540
You know?
And I'm happy with that.
222
00:09:24,580 --> 00:09:25,760
I'm content.
223
00:09:33,070 --> 00:09:35,030
Okay.
224
00:09:35,070 --> 00:09:36,640
She's happy that I'm home.
225
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,770
It's good to be wanted.
226
00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:41,600
And I do miss them.
I miss them a lot.
227
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,250
I'll be right back.
228
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:47,950
Okay, y-yo tengo unmini-fridge.
229
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,910
Or I hada mini-fridge.
Well, actually,
230
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,090
it's my friend Topher's,
but, you know, he's dead now.
231
00:09:52,130 --> 00:09:53,130
Ay, pobrecito.
232
00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:54,350
No, sorry, no.
233
00:09:54,390 --> 00:09:56,310
He wasdead. I-I'll go get it.
234
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,270
Staten Island.
235
00:10:04,010 --> 00:10:07,100
Secret entrance. Very cool.
236
00:10:07,150 --> 00:10:08,500
So glad you could join us.
237
00:10:08,540 --> 00:10:10,850
- I don't like our seats.
- You haven't seen them.
238
00:10:10,890 --> 00:10:13,070
- I don't like seats.
- Get in there.
239
00:10:13,110 --> 00:10:15,370
- And here are your media passes.
- Thanks.
240
00:10:15,420 --> 00:10:17,770
Make sure you keep them
on you at all times.
241
00:10:20,070 --> 00:10:22,860
We've waited 500 yearsfor
an invite to this, you know?
242
00:10:22,900 --> 00:10:24,820
We should have been
to many more, but...
243
00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:27,950
Well, here you are now. - Here we are now.
244
00:10:27,990 --> 00:10:29,430
- Right this way, sir.
- Ah...
245
00:10:29,470 --> 00:10:31,820
Thank you very much.
Good evening.
246
00:10:31,870 --> 00:10:34,870
- Good evening.
- Ooh, very nice seats.
247
00:10:34,910 --> 00:10:36,016
I should damn well think so.
248
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,610
"I guess I must be
in the front row."
249
00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:39,936
No, you're sitting here with us.
250
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,310
No, it's Bob Uecker,
from a commercial in the '80s.
251
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,400
He was the Milwaukee Brewers
announcer...
252
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,710
A wonderful anecdote.
253
00:10:46,750 --> 00:10:48,620
We should be in and out,
254
00:10:48,670 --> 00:10:49,800
so it's not gonna be weird.
255
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,970
Hello?
256
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:56,020
If it gets uncomfortable,
I'll just give you a signal.
257
00:10:56,060 --> 00:10:57,890
I'll just do eyes like that.
258
00:10:57,940 --> 00:11:00,110
Hello? Whoa! Ow...
259
00:11:04,070 --> 00:11:07,210
Nadja? Laszlo?
260
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,900
Mas... Nandor?
261
00:11:08,950 --> 00:11:10,950
Colin Robinson?
262
00:11:10,990 --> 00:11:12,210
- Where is everyone?
- Hello.
263
00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:14,340
You scared me.
264
00:11:14,390 --> 00:11:15,910
You scare easy.
265
00:11:15,950 --> 00:11:18,090
- They knew you'd be back.
- Where is everyone?
266
00:11:18,130 --> 00:11:19,740
- They went out.
- Out? Wow.
267
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,310
- Where did they go?
- To the Théâtre.
268
00:11:21,350 --> 00:11:24,570
They're having a great life
without you.
269
00:11:24,610 --> 00:11:26,546
The invitation is over there
if you don't believe me.
270
00:11:26,570 --> 00:11:28,750
Very exclusive event.
271
00:11:28,790 --> 00:11:30,710
"You're cordially invited
to the Nouveau Théâtre
272
00:11:30,750 --> 00:11:31,970
des Vampires..."
273
00:11:32,010 --> 00:11:33,710
That's French.
274
00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:35,760
It's like a theater.
Do you see that?
275
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,930
There's a guy hanging.
It's pretty clever, it's...
276
00:11:37,980 --> 00:11:39,980
Geez, the work on this is so...
277
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,110
Is that...?
Does that look like a...?
278
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,850
It's the Vampiric Council.
279
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,990
Dark greetings of the night.
280
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:51,966
Only an idiot would go
to something like this.
281
00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:53,210
This is clearly a trap.
282
00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:54,950
They... Did they go to this?
283
00:11:54,990 --> 00:11:57,740
- Uh, yeah.
- Oh, God.
284
00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:00,000
They're all gonna die.
285
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,886
- I'm gonna go. It's startedalready,
so I'm gonna go, okay?- Good luck.
286
00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:04,920
- I do not think you will succeed.
- I'm gonna go. Shut up.
287
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,400
Is that Mikhail the Awful?
288
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,830
- Yes, that is.
- Hmm?
289
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:09,960
Good evening, Mikhail.
290
00:12:10,970 --> 00:12:12,750
The man is a total prick.
291
00:12:12,790 --> 00:12:14,750
He's nowhere near as funny
as he thinks he is.
292
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,060
Oh.
That is Maricela,
293
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,490
- Mistress of the Night.
- Ha!
294
00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:20,060
More like Maricela,
295
00:12:20,110 --> 00:12:22,320
Mistress of the Shitty Seats.
296
00:12:22,370 --> 00:12:25,070
A lot of heavy hitters
in the house tonight.
297
00:12:25,110 --> 00:12:26,980
Even from
the energy vampire world.
298
00:12:27,030 --> 00:12:28,940
Todd Smith. Saw him naked once.
299
00:12:28,980 --> 00:12:30,990
It's Pamela.
300
00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:33,210
Pamela's here. It's Pamela.
301
00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:35,030
Don't embarrass me.
302
00:12:54,010 --> 00:12:55,970
Whoa.
303
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:01,800
Hell yeah.
304
00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:09,940
♪
305
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,640
I know how he did that.
306
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,046
Will you just
let me enjoy it, please?
307
00:13:16,070 --> 00:13:18,770
Good evening,
citizens of the night.
308
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:23,040
Kings and queens,
princes and potentates,
309
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:26,000
ladies and gentlemen,
vampires all.
310
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:27,960
Yes.
311
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,830
Nice shimmy.
He's good, this guy.
312
00:13:31,870 --> 00:13:34,050
Tonight our performance
is different.
313
00:13:34,090 --> 00:13:37,100
Tonight is something
a little bit special.
314
00:13:37,140 --> 00:13:39,840
- Oh.
- We all know the reason that we are here.
315
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,010
Well, most of us do.
316
00:13:42,060 --> 00:13:44,410
So, without any further ado,
317
00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:49,110
please make welcome
our guests of honor.
318
00:13:49,150 --> 00:13:50,630
- Oh...
- Oh, thank you.
319
00:13:50,670 --> 00:13:52,590
- Oh, that's us. Greetings.
- Us?
320
00:13:52,630 --> 00:13:53,630
- Hi, everyone.
- Hey!
321
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:54,720
Easy there.
322
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,160
- No! Get off me!
- Good Lord.
323
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,460
This is silver rope.
324
00:13:58,510 --> 00:14:00,730
- Ow.
- Oh, shit.
325
00:14:00,770 --> 00:14:03,120
I recognize that man.
He was at the Vampire Council.
326
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,560
- Yes.
- Shit.
327
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,210
There is but one crime
to us vampires here.
328
00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:12,130
It is the one crimethat
means death to any vampire:
329
00:14:12,170 --> 00:14:14,220
killing your own kind.
330
00:14:14,260 --> 00:14:15,740
Oh, this shithead.
331
00:14:15,790 --> 00:14:17,026
- We've never done that.
- We never did that.
332
00:14:17,050 --> 00:14:19,050
Boo. Boo.
333
00:14:19,090 --> 00:14:20,090
Don't boo us.
334
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,930
With Baron Afanas,
335
00:14:24,970 --> 00:14:27,490
'twas four against one.
336
00:14:27,540 --> 00:14:29,840
- Is that supposed to be us?
- No idea.
337
00:14:29,890 --> 00:14:31,320
They opened the door
338
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:33,150
and let through the sun.
339
00:14:35,150 --> 00:14:37,720
Very shocking.
340
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,200
This is absurd.
341
00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:43,510
That never happened. We would
never prance around like tits.
342
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,990
- This is all shit!
- I would never high-five.
343
00:14:46,030 --> 00:14:48,120
I'll be honest with you,
my look-alike
344
00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:50,120
is kind of giving me a chub.
345
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,690
Ludwig the guard,
346
00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:58,480
just doing his job,
skewered through the heart,
347
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,130
a vampire kebab.
348
00:15:01,740 --> 00:15:03,140
Boo!
349
00:15:03,180 --> 00:15:04,336
That wasn't even their fault.
350
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,840
Stay back!
351
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,800
- Boo you!
- Shut up, Pamela.
352
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,060
Did we do this? We didn't
do that. Did you guys do that?
353
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:14,890
None of us did that. Well,
don't look at me.
354
00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:16,166
This seems like one of those
things that you guys
355
00:15:16,190 --> 00:15:17,940
all did together
and didn't include me.
356
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,760
What's this shit?
357
00:15:20,810 --> 00:15:23,240
- Hold on a second.
- We were promised nudity.
358
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,200
Penis and full bush.
This is a swiz.
359
00:15:25,250 --> 00:15:27,340
I am sorry, but when I dance,
360
00:15:27,380 --> 00:15:28,950
the ocean parts.
361
00:15:28,990 --> 00:15:30,950
She has absolutely
no rhythm whatsoever.
362
00:15:30,990 --> 00:15:32,250
This is your hot take?
363
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:33,966
That you have a problem
with the choreography?
364
00:15:33,990 --> 00:15:35,390
Oh, okay. There I am.
365
00:15:35,430 --> 00:15:37,390
Assassins were sent
366
00:15:37,430 --> 00:15:40,000
to bring them to justice.
367
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,960
They murdered them all
by bringing the ruckus.
368
00:15:45,830 --> 00:15:47,140
Boo.
369
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,840
Very clunky rhyme.
370
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,230
I think it's a Wu-Tang
reference.
371
00:15:51,270 --> 00:15:52,800
"Bring the Ruckus."
372
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,100
All I know is, I haven't had
373
00:15:54,150 --> 00:15:56,540
- a whiff of Wu or Tang.
- Exactly.
374
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,670
- Oh. They're throwing
his head around
375
00:15:58,710 --> 00:16:00,500
like a beach ball.
376
00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:04,240
A vampire family
377
00:16:04,290 --> 00:16:05,680
who loved one another.
378
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,590
You slaughtered them all.
379
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,510
Word to the mother.
380
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:15,990
Then laughing about it.
381
00:16:17,260 --> 00:16:18,780
I mean, I have... I'm clueless.
382
00:16:18,820 --> 00:16:19,820
I have no idea.
383
00:16:19,870 --> 00:16:22,130
We didn't do any of this shit!
384
00:16:23,610 --> 00:16:25,220
Uh, I think
they're going for some sort
385
00:16:25,260 --> 00:16:27,000
of Hamiltonvibe?
386
00:16:29,310 --> 00:16:30,960
- You're too kind.
- We can all do it.
387
00:16:31,010 --> 00:16:31,970
We're vampires.
388
00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:34,190
You murdered Baron Afanas
389
00:16:34,230 --> 00:16:37,230
and were sentenced to death
by the Vampiric Council.
390
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,890
- Mm.
- You escaped, witnesses say,
391
00:16:39,930 --> 00:16:43,110
with the help
of a Dilbert-looking guy.
392
00:16:43,150 --> 00:16:45,110
- What is that?
- Hey, dudes.
393
00:16:45,150 --> 00:16:47,290
We don't know how,
but we don't like it.
394
00:16:47,330 --> 00:16:51,720
Tonight, he will join us
for the grand finale.
395
00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:59,250
Fuck me!
396
00:17:00,860 --> 00:17:02,470
And that's a reminder
to all of us.
397
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,300
- Don't murder vampires.
- We didn't!
398
00:17:04,350 --> 00:17:06,300
Don't do it.
All right, bring them
399
00:17:06,350 --> 00:17:08,130
- to the stage.
- What?
400
00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:10,090
No. Get your... don't touch me.
401
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:12,310
- Hey! Get...
- Help!
402
00:17:12,350 --> 00:17:13,220
Who the hell
do you think you are?
403
00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:15,310
Heck you looking at, Pamela?
404
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:16,310
Glad you're filming this.
405
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:17,710
We can show it next year.
406
00:17:23,930 --> 00:17:25,256
And while we wait
for the guillotine thing
407
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,460
to be set up again,
408
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:29,720
we just have a short
in memoriam video,
409
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:33,110
remembering those vampires
we've lost over the year.
410
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,160
You're hurting me!
411
00:17:38,290 --> 00:17:40,380
Oh, I didn't know he was gone.
412
00:17:40,430 --> 00:17:42,056
I can get to my wallet.
It's in my big pocket.
413
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,730
- No one misses him.
- If you unlock me,
414
00:17:43,780 --> 00:17:45,390
then I can get it.
415
00:17:45,430 --> 00:17:47,430
Met her once.
416
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,300
He died because he got
confusedon daylight savings.
417
00:17:51,830 --> 00:17:54,400
Such a long video.
418
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,530
A reminder to us all,
life is short.
419
00:17:58,180 --> 00:18:00,970
Ouch! My wrists! Very tight.
420
00:18:01,010 --> 00:18:03,970
This is not fair.
We didn't kill any vampires.
421
00:18:04,010 --> 00:18:04,970
Did we?!
422
00:18:05,010 --> 00:18:05,970
- No.
- No!
423
00:18:06,020 --> 00:18:08,110
- We all saw the reenactments.
- No.
424
00:18:08,150 --> 00:18:09,736
If you want to know
who killed The Baron,
425
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,070
we know who killed The Baron,
don't we, guys?
426
00:18:12,110 --> 00:18:13,460
- Yes. - Yes. - Yeah.
427
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:17,200
- All right.
- The Baron was killed...
428
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,290
by a chap named...
429
00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:21,810
Guillermo!
430
00:18:21,860 --> 00:18:23,250
Unbelievable.
431
00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:24,860
Guillermo.
Anyone know Guillermo?
432
00:18:24,900 --> 00:18:26,430
Guillermo who?
433
00:18:26,470 --> 00:18:27,756
Uh, we don't know
his second name.
434
00:18:27,780 --> 00:18:31,350
Uh, maybe...
G-Guillermo Buillermo?
435
00:18:31,390 --> 00:18:33,960
- Guillermo Buillermo?
- Well, we don't really know.
436
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,870
- Wil-Wilkinson?
I can't tell
437
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,050
if they're covering for me,
438
00:18:37,090 --> 00:18:38,920
or if they really don't know
my last name.
439
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,140
He was my familiar,
and when I found out
440
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:44,140
that my own familiar
was killing vampires
441
00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:47,060
all over the place,
I was so angry with him.
442
00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:49,150
- Mm.
- So angry, so...
443
00:18:49,190 --> 00:18:52,500
I killed him
with my... bare hands!
444
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,150
You...
445
00:18:54,190 --> 00:18:56,760
You killed Gizmo?
Kind of harsh.
446
00:18:56,810 --> 00:18:58,720
And just for the record,
it had nothing
447
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,550
to do with the fact that
he may have walked out on me
448
00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:03,120
after ten years.
449
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,730
You know,
when you care about someone,
450
00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:06,290
and they just walk out the door.
451
00:19:06,340 --> 00:19:08,300
"Oh, I've had enough of you."
452
00:19:08,340 --> 00:19:09,966
- Yes, killing vampires.
- Okay, you're getting into
453
00:19:09,990 --> 00:19:11,470
some of
your personal issues now.
454
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,390
So I ripped his head off,
and his arms and his legs.
455
00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:16,560
And I buried them all
in the ground,
456
00:19:16,610 --> 00:19:18,310
so everything is fine now.
457
00:19:18,350 --> 00:19:20,610
- Can we go home, please?
- Blaming the familiar.
458
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,790
Yes, we've all done it.
459
00:19:22,830 --> 00:19:26,050
But what would that look
like... a familiar attack?
460
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:28,270
Something like this?
461
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,240
It's like a cartoon.
462
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,500
Guillermo is much smaller
than this.
463
00:19:38,540 --> 00:19:40,410
Again, over the top.
464
00:19:40,460 --> 00:19:43,290
It's cute.
465
00:19:43,330 --> 00:19:44,810
Let him go!
466
00:19:48,340 --> 00:19:51,340
Ridiculous, as you can see,
from the simulation.
467
00:19:51,380 --> 00:19:54,080
This guy.
468
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,300
- Oh. My.
-
469
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:02,520
No, it's too weird.
No, just... Go, go, get up.
470
00:20:02,570 --> 00:20:05,660
I don't get it.
Is this still the show?
471
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:06,790
Sorry!
472
00:20:11,050 --> 00:20:12,580
He's killing vampires.
473
00:20:16,490 --> 00:20:19,410
♪
474
00:20:19,450 --> 00:20:21,460
Get off him! Shoo!
475
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,460
Holy water!
476
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,510
The balls of that little chap.
477
00:20:37,340 --> 00:20:39,910
Behind you!
478
00:20:39,950 --> 00:20:41,390
Get him, too!
479
00:20:51,090 --> 00:20:53,490
Guillermo?
480
00:20:53,530 --> 00:20:56,400
Is there something
you haven't been telling us?
481
00:21:00,490 --> 00:21:03,410
My name's Guillermo de la Cruz.
482
00:21:05,190 --> 00:21:07,500
- Oh.
- Don't care what the fuck your name is.
483
00:21:07,550 --> 00:21:09,550
We had to pick up
our own laundry!
484
00:21:50,850 --> 00:21:53,590
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
485
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,510
They had come highly recommended
486
00:21:59,550 --> 00:22:02,860
by a mutual vampire
associate of ours,
487
00:22:02,900 --> 00:22:05,560
but nevertheless,
I found it prudent
488
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,520
to run the traditional
credit checks...
489
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,430
...and reference protocols.
490
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,870
Suffice it to say,
I am part of the 33%
491
00:22:12,910 --> 00:22:16,960
who find it necessary to utilizemy
complementary credit check
492
00:22:17,010 --> 00:22:18,570
every year.
34714
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