Original subtitles

All right, ladies.

It's time to go in and have our voices heard.

[crowd cheering]

Together...

we can take our country back!

[coffin rattling]

NANDOR: Guillermo!

The coffin is stuck again!

Guillermo?

The lid is very heavy.

Are you sitting on it?

A vampire's familiar can be important.

Can be a very big help.

It feels like you are sitting on it, Guillermo!

Guillermo is not always helpful.

He can be inconsistent and human.

Guillermo?

Are you hiding from me?

Ha!

And surprisingly sneaky.

Guillermo?

I am about to disembark from my coffin.

There's no one to hold my hand.

He likes to test my patience sometimes.

He's like a kid.

I got out of my coffin all by myself.

He's Guillermo.

Guillermo?

Guillermo, have you taken another day off?

Knew I shouldn't have given him anydays off.

Shh. There's a vampire approaching your room.

Ha!

He's gone.

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪

♪ They have no use for your song♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world.♪

♪

NADJA: So, Guillermo has been gone

for a few days now, and as I predicted,

we are doing absolutely fine.

It's just so nice to have the place to ourselves.

Nandor, did you forget to blow out

the candles before you went to bed?

NANDOR:Those candles are in the hallway

and not in my room, so, no, I did not blow them out!

Now the wall is all wet!

Nadja!

I'm not drying that wall!

So, as I was saying,

it is just so nice to have the house to ourselves.

You know, having a human familiar is great,

but to rely on one, I mean...

Even if they don't quit, howlong will a human familiar live?

Hundred, 200 years?

I mean, how old are you, nine-- 90?

-26. -26?

Do you have long left, do you think?

Laszlo!

Hello, my darling!

Who's this?

Victim, begone.

Wait, you're not gonna drink all of my blood till I die?

Not tonight, Josephine.

It's too messy.

Easier if you just walk out.

Bloody cheek...

[groans]

Who is leaving all these bodies everywhere?!

LASZLO: You did that.

COLIN: Hey, hey.

[yelps] What in the Sam Hill?!

Careful!

Jeepers creepers, you guys need

to clean up all these human juices.

They'll dry on their own.

Ah, crud, how am I supposed

to go to work looking like this?

Can't you just change into another of your beige suits?

Yeah, I'll just say I got in a bus accident or something.

Damn it!

[chittering]

Is anyone else a little chilly?

Yeah, I'm as cold as a witch's tit,

because you let the fire burn down.

-NANDOR: What are you wearing? -What are youwearing?

NADJA: Guillermo used to take our clothes out once a week

and bring them back clean, and he's not here, so...

Yeah, but where did he take them?

-The river? -Oh, yes, that is a very good point.

We should contact the village washerwoman.

Someone contact the village washerwoman!

I'm not doing that!

I drove him away, didn't I?

Perhaps I should've been a bit more aloof with him.

What are you fucking talking about?

He's just a familiar.

You're right.

Fuck that guy for making me think

I need to act more aloof!

We're doing just great without him.

Everything is normal and fun.

NADJA: You know, I did sense

he was getting more and more sad recently.

I could smell it on him. It comes from the groin.

-Ah. -Colin Robinson,

take out your cellular telephoneand take a picture

of me having fun and then send it to Guillermo,

so that he knows how much I do not miss him.

Aah! Aah...

I don't even have his phone number, so...

Well, look it up.

Uh, what's his last name?

Uh...

Greenberg?

Mm, Guillermo B... Buillermo?

Yeah, but you assume that's his first name.

Could be his last name.

He could be called Mickey Guillermo.

NANDOR: Just look up "Guillermo."

I'll do this just to show you

how dumb you are.

Yes, there are over 5,000 Guillermos

in the New York metropolitan area,

including Mickey Guillermos, of which there are four.

Can we maybe narrow it down a little bit?

Yes, yes, of course we can.

What else do we know about him

besides his first name being Guillermo?

-[doorbell ringing] -Door's ringing, Laszlo.

[imitating Colin]: Well, you better go and answer it.

Y-Youbetter go and answer it.

You got to go and answer the darn-tootin' door.

-Stop doing that! -Stop doing what?

[high-pitched]: Come on, just go get the door.

I'm not your Mr. Belvedere now.

I'll do it then.

I wanted to do it.

[grunting]

Assistance, please?

NADJA: Ooh, it has a hex on it.

Gizmo's probably cursed it.

Pull!

-"Pull"? -Yeah.

-Aha! -Oh.

-Here you go. -Begone.

Come back. You will forget everything you have seen.

Most importantly, the way we are both dressed.

To the fancy room again.

-NADJA: Well, who is it from? -LASZLO: Get it open.

NADJA: Well?

It is from the Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires.

[laughter]

And we have all been invited!

[all cheering, clamoring]

-LASZLO: Yes! -NADJA: Yeah.

NADJA: The Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires is

-a very, very big deal. -They travel from Europe

to the United States once every five years.

NADJA: And only the crème de la crme de la creams of vampire society

is invited.

This is the first year we have made the cut.

Everyone who has seen it says

it is magnificent.

It is an all-vampire cast

and it is just the most beautiful,

eerie, poignant, important,

-important work. -And I've heard there's a lot of nudity.

And I mean a lot, and when I say a lot,

I don't just mean a whiff of tit, I mean the full rack.

Full boobies, full boners.

The full display.

We're going to have so much fun.

COLIN: I am

so G-damn excited to be going to the vampire theater.

There's some genitalia on show there that would make a human

go, "What is that exactly?"

So we shall be honored to attend.

-Mm-hmm. -Wait.

What are we thinking? We don't have any clothes!

They are all soiled.We cannot go dressed like this.

She's right. We can't go dressed like this.

We'll be laughed out of the place.

They're not going to let us in now.

-Goddamn it! -Damn!

[grunting]

Wait, stop, guys, stop.

-[quietly]: Am I really gonna do this? -Do what?

Listen.

There is a way to get your clothes back.

Don't ask me how. You don't want to know.

There's a good chance that I'm...

not even gonna make it back alive.

-[gasps] -You mean you might be killed, Colin Robinson?

We don't want you to hurt yourself.

Me neither, damn it.

But if I do this kindness for you,

can I ask for one in return?

Anything. What is it?

I'd really like to moveout of my room in the basement.

If you retrieve our clothes, you can move into my room.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't want your room.

I-I just want to move intothat other room in the basement.

-Hmm? -Sounds fair. -Really?

LASZLO: Go ahead. Do that now.

I guess we're going to the Théâtre!

[cheering, laughter]

So, basically I needed to go to the dry cleaners anyway.

I just didn't want to make it sound too easy for them,

'cause you go once or twice and then,

all of a sudden you're the go-to

dry cleaning fetcher.

Colin Robinson wins again.

-Yeah, so I had to... -[clattering]

-[mutters] -I had to get out of there, so...

-¿Mamá? Mamá. -[speaking Spanish]

Mamá!

-Ah, tu película. -Sí.

Okay. [speaking Spanish]

Our fridge broke today, so...

But, yeah, I had to get out of there.

Never mind that I'm prone to being

a vampire slayer. [chuckles]

[woman screaming]

I'm, like, killing vampires,

killing, killing, killing, killing,

but also wanting to be a vampire?

I just had to think about that and also

manage my everyday duties, which were falling

at the wayside because I wasn't focused.

This is it. This is my life now.

You know? And I'm happy with that.

I'm content.

[speaking Spanish]

[both speaking Spanish]

Okay.

She's happy that I'm home.

It's good to be wanted.

And I do miss them. I miss them a lot.

-I'll be right back. -[speaking Spanish]

Okay, y-yo tengo unmini-fridge.

Or I hada mini-fridge. Well, actually,

it's my friend Topher's, but, you know, he's dead now.

Ay, pobrecito.

No, sorry, no.

He wasdead. I-I'll go get it.

[both speaking Spanish]

Staten Island.

[whispers]: Secret entrance. Very cool.

So glad you could join us.

-I don't like our seats. -You haven't seen them.

-I don't like seats. -NANDOR: Get in there.

-And here are your media passes.-CAMERAMAN: Thanks.

Make sure you keep them on you at all times.

LASZLO: We've waited 500 yearsfor an invite to this, you know?

We should have been to many more, but...

-USHER: Well, here you are now.-Here we are now.

-USHER: Right this way, sir. -Ah...

Thank you very much. Good evening.

-Good evening. -Ooh, very nice seats.

I should damn well think so.

"I guess I must be in the front row."

No, you're sitting here with us.

No, it's Bob Uecker, from a commercial in the '80s.

He was the Milwaukee Brewers announcer...

A wonderful anecdote.

GUILLERMO: We should be in and out,

so it's not gonna be weird.

[door creaking]

Hello?

If it gets uncomfortable, I'll just give you a signal.

I'll just do eyes like that.

Hello? Whoa! Ow...

-[grunting] -[flies buzzing]

[shouts, gags]

Nadja? Laszlo?

Mas... Nandor?

Colin Robinson?

-Where is everyone? -NADJA'S VOICE: Hello.

[screams] You scared me.

You scare easy.

-They knew you'd be back. -Where is everyone?

-They went out. -Out? Wow.

-Where did they go? [chuckles] -To the Théâtre.

They're having a great life without you.

The invitation is over there if you don't believe me.

Very exclusive event.

GUILLERMO: "You're cordially invited to the Nouveau Théâtre

des Vampires..."

That's French. [chuckles]

It's like a theater. Do you see that?

There's a guy hanging. It's pretty clever, it's...

Geez, the work on this is so...

Is that...? Does that look like a...?

It's the Vampiric Council.

TILDA: Dark greetings of the night.

-[all hissing] -[cries]

Only an idiot would go to something like this.

This is clearly a trap. [chuckles]

They... Did they go to this?

-Uh, yeah. -Oh, God.

[chuckles] They're all gonna die.

-I'm gonna go. It's startedalready, so I'm gonna go, okay?-Good luck.

-I do not think you will succeed. -I'm gonna go. Shut up.

Is that Mikhail the Awful?

-NADJA [gasps]: Yes, that is. -LASZLO: Hmm?

Good evening, Mikhail.

The man is a total prick.

He's nowhere near as funny as he thinks he is.

Oh. [gasps] That is Maricela,

-Mistress of the Night. -LASZLO: Ha!

More like Maricela,

-Mistress of the Shitty Seats. -[both laugh]

A lot of heavy hitters in the house tonight.

Even from the energy vampire world.

Todd Smith. Saw him naked once.

[gasps] It's Pamela.

Pamela's here. It's Pamela.

Don't embarrass me.

[band playing]

[panting]

CAMERAMAN: Whoa.

[Guillermo shouts]

Hell yeah.

♪

[scattered gasps]

-[oohing, applause] -I know how he did that.

Will you just let me enjoy it, please?

Good evening, citizens of the night.

Kings and queens, princes and potentates,

ladies and gentlemen, vampires all.

NANDOR: Yes.

[audience oohing]

Nice shimmy. He's good, this guy.

Tonight our performance is different.

Tonight is something a little bit special.

-Oh. -We all know the reason that we are here.

-Well, most of us do. -[laughter]

So, without any further ado,

please make welcome our guests of honor.

-Oh... -Oh, thank you.

-Oh, that's us. Greetings. -Us?

-Hi, everyone. -Hey!

Easy there.

-No! Get off me! -Good Lord.

This is silver rope.

-COLIN: Ow. -LASZLO: Oh, shit.

I recognize that man. He was at the Vampire Council.

-Yes. -Shit.

There is but one crime to us vampires here.

It is the one crimethat means death to any vampire:

killing your own kind.

Oh, this shithead.

-We've never done that. -We never did that.

-Boo. Boo. -[audience booing, hissing]

Don't boo us.

[audience jeering]

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: With Baron Afanas,

'twas four against one.

-NANDOR: Is that supposed to be us? -No idea.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: They opened the door

and let through the sun.

-[gasping, screaming] -Very shocking.

-[actors cackling] -NADJA: This is absurd.

That never happened. We would never prance around like tits.

-NANDOR: This is all shit! -I would never high-five.

COLIN: I'll be honest with you, my look-alike

is kind of giving me a chub.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Ludwig the guard,

just doing his job, skewered through the heart,

a vampire kebab.

[audience gasping, screaming]

Boo!

[whispers]: That wasn't even their fault.

-Stay back! -[shouting, hissing]

-WOMAN: Boo you! -Shut up, Pamela.

-NADJA: Did we do this? -NANDOR: We didn't do that. Did you guys do that?

-LASZLO: None of us did that.-COLIN: Well, don't look at me.

This seems like one of those things that you guys

all did together and didn't include me.

NANDOR: What's this shit?

LASZLO: Hold on a second. We were promised nudity.

Penis and full bush. This is a swiz.

NADJA: I am sorry, but when I dance,

the ocean parts.

She has absolutely no rhythm whatsoever.

This is your hot take?

That you have a problem with the choreography?

Oh, okay. There I am.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Assassins were sent

to bring them to justice.

They murdered them all by bringing the ruckus.

[audience gasping]

Boo.

Very clunky rhyme.

COLIN: I think it's a Wu-Tang reference.

"Bring the Ruckus."

LASZLO: All I know is, I haven't had

-a whiff of Wu or Tang. -Exactly.

-Oh. -NANDOR: They're throwing his head around

like a beach ball.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: A vampire family

who loved one another.

You slaughtered them all.

[grunts]

Word to the mother.

[actors laughing]

-[audience oohing] -Then laughing about it.

I mean, I have-- I'm clueless.

I have no idea.

We didn't do any of this shit!

Uh, I think they're going for some sort

-of Hamiltonvibe? -[spotlight clicks]

[gasping, applause]

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: You're too kind. We can all do it.

We're vampires.

You murdered Baron Afanas

and were sentenced to death by the Vampiric Council.

-Mm. -You escaped, witnesses say,

with the help of a Dilbert-looking guy.

-What is that? -[gasps] -Hey, dudes.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: We don't know how, but we don't like it.

Tonight, he will join us for the grand finale.

[drumroll]

-LASZLO: Fuck me! -[gasping, applause]

[grunts]

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: And that's a reminder to all of us.

-Don't murder vampires. -NADJA: We didn't!

Don't do it. All right, bring them

-to the stage. -NADJA: What?

-[audience booing]-No. Get your-- don't touch me.

-NANDOR: Hey! Get... -Help!

LASZLO: Who the hell do you think you are?

Heck you looking at, Pamela?

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Glad you're filming this.

We can show it next year.

And while we wait for the guillotine thing

to be set up again,

we just have a short in memoriam video,

remembering those vampires we've lost over the year.

NANDOR [distant]: You're hurting me!

[solemn music playing]

Oh, I didn't know he was gone.

I can get to my wallet. It's in my big pocket.

-No one misses him. -If you unlock me,

then I can get it.

Met her once.

He died because he got confusedon daylight savings.

-Such a long video. -[applause]

A reminder to us all, life is short.

Ouch! My wrists! Very tight.

This is not fair. We didn't kill any vampires.

-[laughter] -Did we?!

-No. -No!

-We all saw the reenactments. -No.

-[audience booing] -If you want to know who killed The Baron,

we know who killed The Baron, don't we, guys?

-Yes. -Yes. -Yeah.

-All right. -The Baron was killed...

by a chap named...

-Guillermo! -[gasping]

[quietly]: Unbelievable.

Guillermo. Anyone know Guillermo?

Guillermo who?

Uh, we don't know his second name.

Uh, maybe... G-Guillermo Buillermo?

-Guillermo Buillermo? -Well, we don't really know.

-Wil-Wilkinson? -[whispering]: I can't tell

if they're covering for me,

or if they really don't know my last name.

He was my familiar, and when I found out

that my own familiar was killing vampires

-all over the place, I was so angry with him. -[audience murmuring]

-Mm. -So angry, so...

I killed him with my... bare hands!

-[applause] -You...

You killed Gizmo? Kind of harsh.

And just for the record, it had nothing

to do with the fact that he may have walked out on me

after ten years.

You know, when you care about someone,

and they just walk out the door.

"Oh, I've had enough of you."

-Yes, killing vampires. -Okay, you're getting into

some of your personal issues now.

So I ripped his head off, and his arms and his legs.

And I buried them all in the ground,

so everything is fine now.

-Can we go home, please? -Blaming the familiar.

-Yes, we've all done it. -[laughter]

But what would that look like--a familiar attack?

Something like this?

[lively instrumental music plays]

-[laughter] -[grunting]

-It's like a cartoon. -[applause]

-[whimpering] -Guillermo is much smaller than this.

Again, over the top.

-It's cute. -[audience cheers]

Let him go!

-[horn honks] -[yells]

[laughter, applause]

Ridiculous, as you can see, from the simulation.

-[audience gasping] -This guy.

-Oh. My. -["Yo No Sé" by Los Dug Dug's playing]

-[audience groaning] -[squeaking]

No, it's too weird. No, just-- Go, go, get up.

I don't get it. Is this still the show?

GUILLERMO: Sorry!

[yelling]

[whimpering]

He's killing vampires.

[whimpering]

[grunting]

♪

Get off him! Shoo!

-[yells, whoops] -[water sizzling]

NADJA: Holy water!

-[grunting] -[hissing]

[Guillermo grunting]

[hissing]

The balls of that little chap.

-[yelling] -[whooping]

-Behind you! -[yells]

-Get him, too! -[grunts]

-[beep, static] -[grunting]

[panting]

NANDOR: Guillermo?

Is there something you haven't been telling us?

♪

My name's Guillermo de la Cruz.

-Oh. -Don't care what the fuck your name is.

We had to pick up our own laundry!

["Yo No Sé" by Los Dug Dug's playing]

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

COLIN: They had come highly recommended

by a mutual vampire associate of ours,

but nevertheless, I found it prudent

-to run the traditional credit checks... -[yawns]

...and reference protocols.

Suffice it to say, I am part of the 33%

who find it necessary to utilizemy complementary credit check

every year.

[snoring]

[hisses]

[up-tempo music plays]

[laughing]

[squeaking]

-[siren wails in distance] -WOMAN: It was 1969.

I was pregnant, and I was scared.

[coughing]

I'm Norma McCorvey, aka Jane Roe.

[breathing deeply]

This is my deathbed confession.[chuckles]

MAN: We have 15 minutesand you have some cool stuffto show us.

-[beeps] -[laughs] Oh, yeah.

I want you to join Devs.

WOMAN: What is Devs?

It's the most beautiful thingI've ever seen.

MAN: I had no idea what I would find

when I went searching for my father.

They flashed the Zodiac Killer,and my heart stopped.

WOMAN: He believes he is the son of the Zodiac.