All language subtitles for Toys.1992.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

(key cranks
in wind-up toy)

(quacking)

(mooing)

(music box plays)

(child's voice)
Yeah.

("Winter Reveries"
from Tchaikovsky's
Symphony No. 1 plays)

* If I cannot
bring you comfort *

* Then at least
I bring you hope *

* For nothing
is more precious *

* Than the time
we have, and so *

* We all must learn
from small misfortune *

* Count the blessings
that are real *

* Let the bells
ring out for Christmas *

* At the closing
of the year *

* Let the bells
ring out for Christmas *

* At the closing
of the year *

(ting-a-ling ting-a-ling)

* If I cannot
bring you comfort *

* Then at least
I bring you hope *

* At the closing
of the year *

* At the closing
of the year *

* At the closing
of the year *

General Zevo,
I'm Owen Owens.

I'm sorry for the note
of urgency in the telegram,

but we don't think
he has much longer.

Actually, of course,
he shouldn't even
be here today.

But you know your brother.
The factory's his life.

What's the status
on Kenneth's
condition?

He could go
at any time.

Is that confirmed,

or is that
just scuttlebutt?

Oh, no. The doctors
are in agreement.

It's imminent.

KENNETH:
It was a heartbreaking
decision to make,

but I had no choice.

I'd always planned
to turn the reins
of the business over

to my son, Les,

or even my daughter,
Alsatia, but...

he's just not
prepared at this time

for that kind
of responsibility.

And she's, well...

That's why I wanted
to see you before I die.

I have
a proposal to make.

I know you were always
Father's favorite.

You followed
in his footsteps,

and I didn't.

But I made this company
what it is today,

and I'm proud
of that fact.

And I'm not about
to let it die with me.

I want you to take over
the presidency
of Zevo Toys.

LELAND: And give up
the military?

Yes.

I know you haven't been
happy since Vietnam.

They gave it away,
Kenneth.

Let's face it,
Leland.

Your glory days
are over.

Your Great War
is never going
to come.

It would be
a shame to let

your leadership
qualities
go to waste.

You want me to give up
my commission

and step
into your shoes?

It would be
well worth your while.

But more importantly,
it's a new challenge,
Leland.

A chance for you
to be your own man

for once in your life,

a place
to be appreciated.

What do you think?

Total control
of the company?

What about
Alsatia and Leslie?

Well, I'd like them to
remain with the company.

They love it.
It's their world.

And I hope one day,
with your help,

Leslie will be able
to succeed you

when you retire.

You see, he just doesn't
have the ambition to...

(beeping)

Oh, dear.

I'll call
the paramedics, sir.

Dorothy,
call the paramedics,

quickly.

What's going on here?
Are you all right, Kenny?

It's his heart.

After his operation
last year, he hooked up
his beanie propeller

to his pacemaker.

It's sort of
an early-warning signal.

(motor sputtering)

It's whimsical,
Leland.

Medic!

(ice cream truck music)

OWENS: Kenneth,

I beg you to reconsider
your decision.

Owens, my brother
holds the key,

the key to Leslie
finally growing up.

Kenneth, it's such
a terrible risk to take.

I mean, your son
is such a...

uh...

A flake.

Yeah.

I know.

So am I.

(humming)

Leslie,

Alsatia.
Ready?

-Are you finished
tidying up?
-Yeah.

The limousine's waiting.

I'd rather
drive Dad's car,

if you don't mind,
Owen.

MINISTER:
And so, this gentle man

goes to his final rest

leaving behind him

a legacy of innocence
and laughter.

When the child of today

becomes the peace-loving
citizen of tomorrow,

he will be
partially indebted

to this great man.

And yet,
when I say "man,"

I mean in body only,

for he was
the eternal child

-in all of us.
-Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

The sorrow
that we feel...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

The sor-- the sorrow
that we f-feel...

The sorrow
that we feel,

however...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Good one, Dad.

MINISTER:
The sorrow that we feel

is tempered, however,

in the knowledge
that angels somewhere

are trumpeting
this man's tin horns.

"Tin horns."
I like that.

Tin horns are fun.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

OWENS: Don't you think
we should take out
the "barrel of laughs"?

No, Owen. Dad would
want us to leave it.

The batteries
will run out
in a few hours.

I just love that--
"tin horns."

It just
stays with me.

I know what you mean.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Owens.

Yes, sir.

I want a complete tour
of the factory

first thing
in the morning.

Yes, sir.

* Laughin' at the smoke
from a factory chimney *

* Marching to the beat
of a heart within me *

* Hey ho, hey ho

* We're off
to work again *

* Bells are ringing

* We are singing

* Joyous in our industry

* I love my job

* He loves his job

* Pull the lever

* Start the engine

* Pump the water

* Build the pressure

* Push the piston

* Press the button

* Pump the water

* Build the pressure

* Push the piston

* Press the button

* It's the perfect job

* Happy workers

* Happy workers

* Yes, happy workers

* Yeah, happy workers

"Big Ears."
Take three.

LESLIE: These ears are
so big, we're gonna have
a legal problem with Disney.

WOMAN: I think
you look like Fievel.

-Thank you.
-(chuckling)

MISS DRUM: I think maybe
a little ornamentation,

an earring or something
to bring attention,

-if these people are missing it.
-That's very interesting.

Are we making fun
of people with
big ears here?

MAN: We're
making fun of people
with small heads.

Either way, we're gonna get
letters from the royal family.

I think it's not good.

WOMAN: Can we make
the fingernails filthier?

LESLIE:
That's a nice point.

It's too shiny.

I have General Zevo
with me.

Great. We're just watching
some of the novelty tests
right now. Care to join us?

No.

"Doggie Doo Test."
Take eight.

Oh! Bad dog! Bad!

Do you have
any newspaper
or anything?

Any newspaper or something
to get that with?

I shouldn't leave that
in a food store.

That's very good.

WOMAN: A sweater on a leash,
and then the poop dispenser.

-LESLIE: What do you think?
-MISS DRUM: Maybe crap in a can.

That's it!

Or a bath product--
sham-poop.

Do people really
want to take poop
in the tub with them?

Only if it floats.

MISS DRUM:
Well, we've
all done it.

This is not
a shared experience.

They get paid
for this?

LESLIE: He's just
wondering if something's
wrong with this, though.

What the--

Oh, it's Alsatia.

She likes to wear
clip-on clothing and
dolls' wigs to work.

She insists on
trying everything
out on herself first.

Very, uh... dedicated.

Loony bird.

Let's get this
over with.

(humming)

Oh. Everything's all set
for you to see.

The fabrics are here.

The doll prototypes
are here.

Some of the new
fashion illustrations
are right here.

Not interested
in sissy stuff.

Oh, well, don't you want to see
some of the new doll designs?

I think they could be
very endearing.

* Pump the water

* Build the pressure

* Push the piston

* Press the button

* Pump the water

* Build the pressure

* Push the piston

* Press the button...

(whistle toots)

LESLIE:
Lunch, anyone?

I'm in the mood
for smoked chicken.

How about you?

"Smoked." That's funny.

LESLIE: Thank you.
Is that you, Alsatia?

What is it?

LESLIE:
It's a smoking jacket.

It's our new
novelty/apparel thing.

OWENS: That's a great
deal of fun, Leslie.

But can you put
yourself out now?

LESLIE: Wish I could, Owen,
only find the "off" button.

Hooo! I think
a boat's coming.

Hooo!
It's a large boat!

Owen, save the women
and children!

I'll go down
with the general.
General, lifeboat!

There,
that's better.

Remind me
to make a note.

Make "off" button
more accessible.

There it is.

Well, General, now that
you've seen the factory,
what do you think?

You ready to
take over Zevo Toys?

It's one decision
I cannot make on my own.

I have to see
somebody else first.

Come along, Owens.

Owen, Owen, who does
he have to see?

I believe he's going
to see his father.

Granddaddy?

I thought
he was dead.

(radio plays
martial music)

Daddy.

Hmm.

Ah.

Oh, I know. I know.

You're a four-star
general. I know.

You have four stars
to my three.

Every time I come here,

you turn that cursed light on
to remind me, to humiliate me.

I could have had
four stars, Daddy,

if it wasn't for this
cursed British accent of mine.

You would have to be
stationed in England

during my formative years.
It's your fault.

I've never been taken
for a real American.

(mumbling)
A linguist.

Oh, I went to see
a linguist, yes.

I went to see
a dialect coach.

And the best I can do is...

(imitating Southern accent)
You men stand over there

and remain at attention

until further notice.

They didn't buy it.

(mumbling)

Jersey City?

And you know what?

Adenoid.

Yeah. Well, look, I need
your advice, Daddy.

You see, just before Ken died,

he asked me
to take over his company.

Toys?

No, no.

You don't understand, Dad.

You see, there's
a serious problem
with the military right now--

It's whether it's worth
the cost or not,
the economics.

Hell, communism just
went into the toilet,

and the whole damn budget
fell out of the military.

The military is not
what it once was.

There will be
another war.

There won't be another war,
not the kind we know.

War has changed.

You can't even trust
your own troops anymore.

Why, Daddy,

in Vietnam one night,

one of my own men
tried to frag me.

Oh...

(mumbles)

Big cock?

LELAND: No!

No. I said frag me.

He tried to shoot me.

Please try
to understand, Daddy.

I'm not giving up
on the military.

The military
gave up on me.

Oh, change sides.

I can't change sides,
you silly old fart.

There's no sides
to change sides to.

I've got no options left.
I'm out of a job.

Look, please,
please, Daddy.

What the hell am I gonna do?
Will you tell me that?

Daddy, what am I
going to do?

Daddy, should I take over
Kenny's business?

(radio plays
country-western music)

You free tonight,
Debbie?

Sure, Leland.

OWENS: To achieve
Kenneth's vision of the future,

we must continue
to modernize,

but not just
for the sake
of modernization.

It requires integration
of new concepts
and new designs,

and the training
of our employees
in new technologies

and with new equipment.

However, Kenneth
felt very strongly

that some of
the older toys are unique,

because we've never
attempted to update them

in pursuit
of perceived trends.

Uh, to guide
this modernization,

we need to have
and initiate

fundamental
functional area plans

for modernization

to link the past
with the future.

Fred, you want to
take over at this point?

Thank you. We've been
getting good play

from the new
Mr. Minky doll.

Uh, it's a leader

and a unique doll
in the marketplace.

Our home-video games

are doing
exceedingly well,

particularly
Big Argyles,

Felsors,

Osmosis, and
Helo's Course.

That's a fabulous game.

It's much better than
Mr. Squirt's Night Out.

Clucking Hens and
Bob Goes Camping.

Fred, I haven't heard
anything on the T-3100 racer.

Where are we in
the development of that?

I'll answer that.

Well, we've been
holding on that because

apparently some of
the advance plans
for the T-3100

appear to be incorporated
into Axel's new toy designs
for their miniracer,

which would beat us
to the marketplace.

WOMAN: This is
an unfortunate setback.

We're sure those plans
were leaked to Axel.

Leaked?

Did somebody say
the plans were leaked?

Oh, every so often,

a degree of industrial
espionage does occur.

Espionage.

Owens, will you give me
a moment of your time, please?

Yes, sir.

LESLIE:
Do you believe what Axel's
doing? I can't believe them.

I don't know why they come out
with what they come out with.

Guns 'n' Noses?
What type of toy
is that?

WOMAN: They came out with
a toy called Carnival Joe.

You add your own
fingers and teeth.

That's amazing.

Oh, I don't know. What about
their whole new line?

OWENS: Sir, we're in
the supply closet.

LELAND:
Are we really?

Now tell me about
that espionage
problem.

Well, General--

Keep your voice down.

Well, General,
the stealing
of toy desi--

Can't hear you.

-Well, General--
-I still can't hear you.

Well, General, the stea--
All right?

That's fine.
That's good.
Carry on.

The stealing
of toy designs

is not unusual
in this business.

We're not set up
to protect ourselves.

I know the perfect man
to deal with this
espionage trouble.

-Who?
-Patrick Zevo, my son.

I must apologize
for my son.

He's usually
very punctual.

Where is he
coming from?

Alsatia, he's with
covert operations,

so let's just leave it
at that, all right?

Canapé, General?

Yes. Perhaps I will.

The deviled eggs
look good.

Don't they?

Oh, it's a quick egg,
isn't it?

Oh! Look at
that egg scramble.

Get a little
egg-cited.

Talk about fresh--
these are rude.

Maybe they really
are deviled eggs.

Look at that.
They're possessed.

Huevo de diablo.

Save yourself.

Get away from here.

You must go away
from here. Quickly.

Get some toothpicks.
Make a cross.

Don't you see
what's happening?

Don't suck
my yellows!

Quick! Save yourselves
from these appetizers
from hell.

Quick! Run!
Tell the village!

Oh, look at that!

Stand back.
It's gonna spit.

I can't control
myself any longer.

How do you do that?

Magnets.

It's one of Dad's
favorite novelty items.

You're as big a fool
as your father ever was.

You really think so?

Thank you.

I'm getting very hungry.
I want my dinner now.

Then let's eat.

The sofa's
hungry, too.

Patrick, my son.

Dad.

It was wonderful.

That's a neat trick.

I don't play tricks, Leslie.

You twerp, Patrick's
in camouflage

so he can have
full surveillance
of the situation.

before his presence is known.
That right, Pat?

100%, Dad.

LELAND: Is that all
you're having?

White bread's
the worst thing
you can eat.

No, it isn't.

It's very soft
and pliable.

It slides down the system
without disturbing anything.

There's no nutrition
in that sandwich.

Yes, there is.

Vitamin pills.

Something's working
'cause you always look
the same age to me.

Patrick, do you remember
when you stayed here
when you were a kid? I'll--

And I told your mother
never to leave you here.
When was that?

That time you called and
had her join you in Vietnam.

That's right.
She never came back.

I'm sorry.

You loved her very much,
didn't you?

That's right, and I'm
not ashamed to admit it,

'cause Dad did everything he
could to save her. Didn't you?

That's right, son. Edie
was a wonderful woman,

but appendicitis is
a respecter of no one.

By the time--
By the time we knew
something was wrong--

well, I'll never
forgive myself, Patrick.

All right.
I know. I know.

(hacking)

That's just the
vitamin B complex.

It's the vitamin E
I really have
the problems with.

Gelatin capsule
gets stuck in
between my teeth,

and the stuff inside
mixes with the mayonnaise--

Enjoying the wine,
General?

Oh, it's fine.
It's fine.

It's a
good Bordeaux,
isn't it?

It's got
a good nose.

-May I have some more?
-Would you like some more?

Yes, I can't get
enough of it.

Patrick, now that
you've joined the ranks
of Zevo Toys,

what are your plans
for the situation?

Patrick's bringing in
a special force to assist him.

We'll begin with
the interrogation of every man
and woman at the company.

After that, we'll set up
a security system

so no one can leave or enter
without our knowledge.

Do we get to wear badges?

Photographic
identification.

I take
a very nice picture.

As for me, Les, I'll be
meeting with our designers

so we can
begin production
of our new line.

Our new line?

I'm noodling
with the idea

of putting in
some war toys.

We've never
made war toys at Zevo.

That's most unusual.

It's a natural idea
for you to make war toys.

Well, we never
really did because

Dad didn't like
the idea of war toys.

He thought that war
was the domain

of the small penis.

(laughs)

Well, is that so, Leslie?

Well, I'd be
most grateful,
Leslie,

if you'd assist me
in this area.

That all right?

Sure.

Dad, to war toys.

War toys.

What do you think
of my bringing Leslie

into the new
war toy department?

Smart tactical maneuver.

I thought you'd
see it that way.

Like you always said,
treat your friends
like your enemies,

and your enemies
like your friends.

Dad, tell your driver
to stop here.

-Why?
-I'm getting out.

-You don't know
where you are.
-That's right.

Always in training, huh?

100%.

See you
in the morning.

That's my boy.

LESLIE: And the cat
chased the rat all day

until they finally found
each other's name.

What?

I don't understand.

It's a fable.

No, no.
I don't understand why
Daddy let Uncle Leland

take over Zevo Toys.

I don't know. You'd
think he would've
left Owen in charge.

Or you.

No, Dad knew better.

Well, one thing I know
is strange,

and that man is strange.

How are you gonna
work with him,

especially
on war toys?

Sometimes it's better
to dress up like a lamb
to tempt the wolf.

Oh, I see.

Just like Daddy
always said,

treat your friends
like your friends,

and your enemy
like your enemy.

Yeah, you use
your noodle.

Mm-hmm.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let
the bedbugs bite.

Night, night, Alsatia.

(quack)

Thank you.

* Happy

* Hap hap

* Hap hap

* Hap-hap hap

* Hap hap

* Hap-hap,
hap hap *

* Happy workers

* Hap hap,
hap hap *

* Hap-hap hap hap hap

* Hap hap hap-hap hap

* Hap-hap hap hap
hap hap hap-hap *

* Happy

* Happy

* Happy workers

* Happy

* Happy happy

* Happy

* Ooh, yeah

* Ooh, yeah

* Ooh, yeah

* Ooh, yeah

* Happy workers

* Hoo ha

* Hoo-ha

* Hoo ha

* Hoo-ha

* Hoo ha

* Hoo-ha

* Hoo ha

* Hoo-ha

* Hap-hap-happy

* Hap-hap hap-happy

* Happy

* Happy happy
happy *

* Happy workers

* Happy workers...

(rrrrrr)

(rrrrrr)

Yo!

Can I help you?

I'm sure you're aware
that we're doing

some routine checks
with each employee

to determine
if there's been some
internal security leaks.

-Would you mind if I asked
you a few questions?
-No, not at all.

LELAND:
So, that's it, is it?

Six weeks of work, and
that's all you've come up with?

These are just
preliminary drawings,

just to give you an idea of what
direction we're moving into.

(coat plays music)

Come in, Leslie.

Sorry I'm late.

I had a little problem
with my ID check.

Maybe we did live
near a toxic dump
when I was a kid.

This is our new
Body of Sound coat.

It works by mercury switches
and movement and-- Hold on.

-(knock knock knock)
-Oh, sorry.

* Thank you, baby

Sit down, Leslie.

(imitates doorbell)

Oh, I'll get it.

Sit down, Leslie!

* All right

(pop)

You behave
like a buffoon.

-Buffoon?
-(caw)

Whoa. Very interesting word.

Wonder what the derivation
of that is? I love
etymology of words.

Maybe it's a combination
of "balloon" and "buffalo."
(chuckles)

-Or maybe "buffer" and "fool."
-(honk)

Maybe it's from
the Latin word buffomatis,

he who carries the pickle.

All right, uh, Miss Drum.

Is that the extent of what
you had to show the general?

(overlapping noises)

Sorry.

Miss Drum?

Uh, yes, it is.

In terms
of military toys,

do you consider this
competitive with
other companies?

With most
of the products,
definitely.

What do the rest
of you think?

Well, I tell you
what I think.

I think
this is baby shit

compared with what
other companies have
on the market.

I want realism,
I want imagination,
I want excitement.

But, sir,
I honestly--

All right.
You're all
excused now.

Out you go.

(playing drums
and horns)

Do you think you were
a little rough on them, General?

I don't think that was
necessary, really.
They're civilians.

They're employees.

This wasn't
a social call.

I understand that. But they've
been with the company for years.
They're like family--

That's enough, Leslie.

You're right.

I should get cream
for my coffee.

I really do
need some cream.

-Thank you very much.
-(overlapping noises)

Can I get you anything, Owen?

-Maybe a Kaiser roll, honey bun?
-No, thank you.

Anything for you,
General?

Ooh! Cruise missile?
Something like that?

Automatic weapon?

Very sorry, sir.

(overlapping noises)

I'll work this out
eventually.

It just needs
a little tune-up.

LELAND:
I've got my work
cut out, Owen.

I'm surrounded
by fools.

(typing)

(doorbell)

I've been a bad boy.

(chuckling)

* Happy happy

* Hap hap-hap hap-hap

* Hap hap-hap hap
hap hap-hap hap *

* Ooh, yeah

* Hap hap-hap
hap hap hap *

* Happy workers

* Hoo ha

* Hoo-ha

* Hoo ha

* Hoo-ha

* Hoo ha...

(buzzer)

Are you
Miss Gwen Tyler?

We're doing some
routine questions.

We'd like you to
cooperate, all right?

Okay.

Does any duplicating
go on around here
when you're not present?

Uh...

Hmm? Huh?

Poss--
Yeah, maybe.

Do you
duplicate alone?

I think that's
kind of a personal question.

You're laughing,
Miss Tyler.

Are you taking my duplication
investigation seriously?

Or are you
disrespecting

my duplication
investigation?

No, I'm not
disrespecting you.

I'm just saying there's
no real way I can check,

you know, because I leave
at a certain time and...

I-- I'm not--

Duplicating
is taking place.

And when duplicating
takes place,

that means there's
more than one.

There may be
two or three,
Miss Tyler.

Two, three, or four.

I didn't...
(laughs)

Y'all are joking.

No, Miss Tyler.
I'm not joking.

I'm talking
about duping.

-Duping!
-Okay.

Duplication!

I just work here.

You're in charge
of duplication?

Yes, sir.

Show me how this
duplicating machine
works.

I want to learn all
about the process.

* Happy

* Hap hap

* Hap hap

* Hap-hap hap

* Hap hap hap

PATRICK: Duplication is
a serious offense.

-You understand that?
-Mm-hmm.

And that means whatever
was duplicating--

What the hell's
going on here?

Security check.

Everything looks
pretty secure to me.

She's clean.
Let's go.

See you later,
cousin.

Oh, yeah.
I'll chill, Will.

Hey...

The coast is clear.
You can come out now.

That can't be good
for your hair.

* Hoo ha

Forward, march!

* Hoo ha

You can come out now.

Aah!

Were you...

-Sorry. I'm fine.
-That's all right.

-I'm okay.
-Okay.

You're new here,
aren't you?

Yeah.

Listen, I know
you're a little upset,

but you gotta let it go
or get over it.

Pick one of those,
any one.

Who was that man?

Well, that's my cousin.
He does security.

I tell you what...

What?

I can't believe
the treatment
around here.

Well, I'm sorry.

How about a little smile
or something?

Look at these.
Wait a minute.

Is this what
you were up to?

Arts and crafts?

This is fabulous.

Look at that face.

Come on. Is that
a great face or what?

That's Michael Jackson,
before and after.

(imitating Jackson)
I never had surgery,
never, ever.

You have a look like a deer
in front of a Peterbilt.

Kind of...

Hit the brakes, Al!
Hit the brakes!

I love this one.

This is
a very attractive one.

This one should go
on the cover of
Sports Illustrated.

Not the swimsuit issue,
but the boxing.

"I should have never
gotten in the ring,

but I will take him
in three rounds.

I want the belt
to go with my purse."

(muttering) See? Hi.
There, you're laughing.
That's good.

Hi. How are you?
I'm Leslie Zevo.

-I know.
-(buzz)

(laughs)

You're back.
Welcome to the living.

You're silly.

I'm very silly,

but that's what I do
for a living.

What kind of sandwiches
do you have today, Joe?

Oh, ham and cheese,

turkey, uh,
chicken salad,

shrimp salad.

Mm. You know, Joe,

I'm very disappointed
that you never once had

an applesauce sandwich
on your menu.

Applesauce?

Miss Zevo, the sandwich
will get all soggy.

Oh, I don't mind.

I'll make you one
tomorrow, okay?

Okay. Thank you
very much.

I'll just
go ahead and have

the mayonnaise sandwich
again today then.

Thank you.

Is this seat taken?

Oh, no.

Sit down.

Do you like
my security badge?

It's very nice.

I told you I take
a good picture.

That you did.

What's the matter?
Don't you like
your lunch?

I hate it
when food touches.

You know, you remind me
a lot of my brother.

That's impossible.
We're exact opposites.

That's what I mean.
He's all silly and
soft on the outside,

and on the inside
he's really strong.

And you're
just the opposite.

-Hi, Joe.
-Hi.

Can I have
the tuna salad, please?

-Here you are.
-Thank you.

You're getting the tuna?
I hope that's dolphin-safe.

(eek eek eek)

Joe, how long do you think
she can be out of the water?

Oh...

I'm so glad he finally
discovered her.

I think
love is wonderful.

You know, your mother
once said to love--

Could we talk
about something else
besides my mother?

I forgot.

I know what
a delicate subject
that is with you.

I can't even eat.

The food keeps touching.

I like military plates.
I'm a military man.

I want
a military meal.

I want my string beans
to be quarantined.

I like a little fortress
around my mashed potatoes

so the meat loaf doesn't
invade my mashed potatoes

and cause mixing
in my plate.

I hate it
when food touches.

I'm a military man.

You understand that?

And don't let
your food touch
either, please?

No calories.

Oh, that's good,
'cause if I have
a whole calorie,

-I just blow up.
I get such bloat.
-Do you?

Two or three calories,
and I'm like the Michelin Man.

-Oh, god.
-Put on that much weight.

-Do you have that problem?
-No, my mama does, though.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah. I mean,

I usually don't drink
this kind of stuff,
artificial sweeteners.

-I like plain old soda,
you know?
-Oh, yeah.

-I mean, sugar can't
hurt you, really.
-Right.

I mean, I once did
an experiment,

where I put a little sugar down
and little artificial sweetener,

both on the sidewalk.

And within a minute,
ants are all over the sugar.

They're just doing
their little ant dance.

And by the artificial sweetener,
they've put up barricades,

and they have little ants
in hardhats going,

"Keep on, move on through,
move on through."

Where are you from?

Right here.
Like what I've done with it?

-Where you born in here?
-No, not born here, no.

I was born
in the back
of a bumper car.

That's what's wrong
with you, I think.

That's it.
"It's a boy."

Hi! This is sure fun.

Yeah.

You don't have
a lip.

Well, I'm working on that.

That's that
insecure face.

Well, yeah.
That's the face
of two people...

Who don't
like themselves.

-They can be
okay with it.
-Yeah.

If they kiss,
they basically,
you know...

They bump teeth.

Yeah, and they hurt each other,
and then they lock jaws.

Then they feel bad
about each other.

They do.

Then they're like
two lizards in the sun.

(chuckling exhale)

There. That's it.

-That's attractive.
-Isn't it?

That's the type face
you want to go (whistle)...

-Bye.
-Time out.

I don't think I've laughed
this much in years.

Me, too. You know,
you ever do that thing
where you just laugh like...

(laughs) God!

(fart)

Was that you?

In a moment--
Stop it.

-(fart fart)
-Oh.

These are a lot of fun.

Put your finger
in there.

Don't be afraid.

-Oh.
-(fart)

These are good
for a laugh.

Why is it
bodily functions
are always funny?

Well, I think it's because,
you know...

PATRICK: So, where
are we going?

LELAND:
Into town.

I want to see what
the competition is selling.

Good idea.

I'll take
the back way.

(tires screech)

You okay, Dad?

No problem.

ALSATIA:
* 'Cause I'll never
let you go *

* In the still
of the night *

* 'Cause I love--

Oh...

I'm just practicing.

Practicing?
For what?

Later in the day, Leslie
likes to come in here,
and we sing.

You sing
in the ladies room?

Acoustics,
good acoustics.

* In the still--

You see?

I just don't understand
the two of you.

Well...

we love to sing
and do moves,

and of course, he likes
to joke around a lot.

And that makes me laugh.

Then we go get
something to eat.

* In the still--
Want to try it?

No, I don't think so.

No.

Oh, come on. Everyone
sounds good right here.

-Yeah?
-Oh, yeah.

Okay.

* In the still--

* In the still

* Of the night

* I held you

* Held you so tight--

Ooh.

I don't think you
should do that again.

Okay.

You like Leslie?

Well, uh...

I'm so glad
you appreciate him.

Maybe it would be
better as a duet.

Yeah?

Maybe your voice will sound a
little more acceptable that way.

Okay.

* In the still

* Of the night--

Warning! Warning!

Target approaching.

Contact.
I see him. Ready.

Aah!

(explosion)

Good shot!

Good boy.

Tank gunner.

Like a game, Pat?

Yes, sir,
but you go first.

Ah. I'll see if I haven't
lost my touch.

Right. Now, okay,
what do we got here?

Helicopters,
500 points.

Tanks, 300 points.
What's the penalty here?

PATRICK: Minus 1,000
for shooting a UN truck.

That's an awfully
big penalty for hitting
a United Nations truck.

Give me a quarter, Pat.

-I'll put it in.
-Okay.

All right.
Here we go.

Ah, here we are.

This takes me
right back.

Pow!

(laughs)

(imitates explosion)

Yes!

Takes me right back,
this, Patrick.

Right back
to my youth.

Dad, you got
minus 1,000
in penalty.

-You hit the UN truck.
-Oh, goddamn UN.

They have no business
being there.

Always where
they're not wanted.

I'm gonna get
them sons of bitches right.

Those UN guys,
white truck men.

I nearly hit
a tank there.

Don't want to start doing that,
not with the UN about.

Here comes another one.

(laughs)

There he comes.
Yes!

Wow! Did you see that?

(laughs)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Wow!

Wow!

Whoa!

Wow!

Whoa!

Whoa-ow!

Wow!

Wow.

Oh.

Oh.

(buzzer)

Oh.

How do you feel?

Woozy.

That's a great name.

That's what we'll call it,
the Woozy Helmet.

Oh.

-What do you think about it?
-Oh, I think it's a winner.

-You really do?
-Oh, yeah. You bet.

I didn't know
where I was,

and then I was coming up
through the thing,

and then I thought
I was gonna fall off,

and I felt seasick,
and ugh... Oh!

It's just a prototype,
but it's gonna get better.

I think this is
some of your best work.

Oh, thanks.

You know what? You put in
a different cartridge,

you can have an entirely
different experience

in sight, sound,
and smell.

I mean, you could take
an incredible ride,

never have to leave
the safety of
your own helmet.

Take trips, not have
to lose your bags.

I think Daddy would be
very proud of you.

Thanks, Al.

(mutters)

This is a little
uncomfortable, though.

That's supposed
to go in your ear.

Oh!

Wanna take
another trip?

-Oh, yeah.
-Okay, here we go.

(guns shooting)

Look at that.
Look at that.

We don't have
anything like that.

I ask my designers
for decent war toys.

They give me
diddly-squat.

Well, the other companies
had a head start.

They've been designing
war toys for years.

I don't have years.

Gotta get on with it.
Time's ticking.

Gotta push
these designers.

Stop the vehicle.

Stop the vehicle.

I've been here before.
I know it.

I'm sure of it.

Perhaps in
another lifetime...

or maybe even
in a battle.

You were probably here
with Kenny.

I guess you guys
played here together
when you were kids, Dad.

Oh.

(horn honks)

Hey!

Want a ride?

No.

Thank you.

-Just learning?
-Yeah, yeah.

You're a little
long in the tooth
for training wheels.

You drive all the way out here
just to insult me?

Au contraire, ma chère.

This is my way home.

No, it isn't.

How about this?

No. How about this?
Can you get over,

'cause you're
hogging the road?

You're hogging the road.

Come on, let me
give you a lift,

and I'll teach you
how to ride that bike.

Why?

Just want
to get laid.

-No.
-Oh!

My daddy would just have
a field day with you.

I'll bet I'd be
swinging from some tree.

Yep.

Yeah.

No.

I like you.

Well,
I like you, too.

That's why
we shouldn't
see each other.

Why?

You don't take things
very seriously, do you?

What do you mean
"take things seriously"?

What about this hat?

What?

Of course I take
things seriously.

Like what?

Well, like save the whales,
win interesting prizes.

-I founded that.
-Leslie?

Okay, well,
how about this?

You know the general?

Well, I'm gonna have
a confrontation with him,

'cause I don't want them
to make war toys anymore.

I'm gonna get him
to change his mind.

-You serious?
-No. Yes.

Really. Mm-mmm.
Yeah, sure.

Maybe.

See what I mean?

There is no hope
with you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa.
Seriously.

If I convince
the general no war toys,

will you let me take off
your training wheels?

I'll think about it.

LELAND:
You ever wonder
why an airplane

has to be
a certain size?

Because somebody has to
get inside it, right?

Right.

What happens if you
don't need a pilot?

What happens
if you just have
remote-control planes

that carry
deadly weapons?

You saw it back there
at the store.

There were toy tanks,
toy planes.

Can you imagine
what it'd be like

if we perfected
a toy-sized plane

that had deadly
fighting capabilities?

Little
remote-control planes.

Yes.

You saw those kids
back there
at the arcade.

Those kids have better
hand-eye coordination

than any pilot
you ever see.

Little children can fly
remote-control planes.

Patrick,
it's only the weaponry
that's missing.

Can you imagine
the savings

if we reduced
the cost of planes

say, $450 million apiece

down to $5,000?

That's what
I'm talking about.

The military today,
Pat, costs too much.

I'm talking about
a cheap military,

an inexpensive military
for the future.

You can't eliminate
the military,

so you have
to have a military
you can afford.

Little tanks,

little planes,

little helicopters,

toy-sized military

with deadly
fighting weapons.

You give me
half a billion dollars--

the cost of one
stealth bomber--

I'll give you
one million

toy-sized planes.

And I guarantee you
one thing, Pat.

No one's going to spot them
on the radar screens.

(laughs)

Hey, remember that kid
flew a Beech-Nut

right into Red Square?

-Beechcraft!
-What?

He flew a Beechcraft,
not a Beech-Nut!

Oh, Beechcraft,
Beech-nut,

beach blanket,
beach ball, beach bum.

What difference
does it make?

He flew the plane
right into Red Square.

Remember those kids
with the video screens
blowing things up?

What difference
does it make if
it's real or false?

It's all the same to them.
It's all the same on
the video screens.

It's just
another game to them.

It's warfare
without a conscience.

It's the greatest
concept ever known.

It's brilliant.

I'll rise,

like the phoenix
out of the ashes,
to greatness.

Me--

the greatest
military genius

the world's
ever known!

Now we start building
the littlest armada

known to mankind.

Me--

Leland Henry Zevo!

Whee!

Let that be
a lesson to you.

Always carry a flare.

Owen, I always feel
like I'm witnessing

the last temptation
of Barbie.

Well, uh, this model's
holding up nicely.

The only way
a child could pull
this one apart

is if he took it
to a tractor pull.

(honk honk)

Ahh.

(laughs)

I just love that.

May I speak to you?

Certainly.

-In private?
-By all means.
Jump in.

Carry on, Owen.

General, for
the first time
in my life,

I've given some-- Oh!

Why don't you watch
where you're going,

you great egghead?

-Let's go.
-Oh, no, don't-- Oh.

You should stop. You'll be
guilty of a hit-and-run.

LELAND: Always
run when you hit.

-General?
-Yes, Leslie.

I think it would be
a terrible mistake for
us to make war toys.

-Oh, you do, do you?
-Yes.

We have a tradition
of whimsy at Zevo Toys.

Dad began
that tradition

with Milton
the friendly elephant,

and it carries all the way
through the new line

in the Woozy Helmut.

To make us manufacture
military toys

will be a philosophical
contradiction.

It'll be like
an Amish video game,

and I cannot
support that.

You're absolutely right.
Absolutely.

Absolutely,
absolutely,

and absolutely.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

You know I have to be
honest with you, Les.

I thought
the war-toy department
was a good idea.

But I see now
it would take too long.

It would be a difficult
task to establish
a department

that's never existed
in the company.

Bit like going
against the grain.

Why tamper
with the traditions
of this firm?

Well, thank you.
That's my thinking
exactly.

Oh, hallelujah,

and goodbye.

-You know what
I'd like to do, Les?
-No, Le, what?

I'd like to have
a little more space
to myself,

-develop a few
toy ideas of my own.
-Ooh, ideas.

LELAND:
Noodle about a bit.

-Noodling?
-Noodling.

Yes, just noodling.

Ah, well,
I like to noodle.

Noodling's fun.

Hello?

-How's it going?
-Fine, fine.

I might need a little
more space, though.

Okay, sure.
Go ahead.

Thank you.
Bye-bye.

Going to need
a teeny bit more space.

We're getting
awfully cramped in here.

Going to need
that much more space.

People,
this is some very
innovative vomit.

Except this one.

Looks like you
could put maybe

a nice piece of carrot
and a pea there

to kind of draw
your eye to it.
Don't you think?

Yeah, I agree with you.
It should have more
consistency to it.

Mm. You know, since
your uncle started
this private project,

the budget for novelty items
has been cut in half.

Are you telling me
we don't have money for
peas and carrots anymore?

Come on, now.
That is a classic.

Without it,
it's not funny. It's
almost frightening.

Peas and carrots are
traditional. No one's
gonna buy vomit without 'em.

Well, what about
noodles or spaghetti?

They're pretty
cheap to make.

Well, normally you don't
see noodles in vomit.

Have you ever been
to the Pasta Barn?

No. You know what? In
order to be competitive

in the world market,
maybe we need more of
an international nausea.

You know,
something--

Yes, can we cater to
Asian people, please?

That would make
me very happy.

I mean, this vomit
is very Anglo,
very ethnocentric.

This is obviously
the vomit of the white man.
It's oppressive.

Well, we can
have something like
the Teriyaki Toss.

-Or that one.
-That will be fine.

-That's a Bavarian Blow.
-There's very interesting,

but it's too much. There's
a lot going on there.

It titillates me,
and to me, that's
the wrong reaction.

LESLIE:
Yeah, this is almost
like Braille.

WOMAN: It appeals
to a male market.

Is this room
getting smaller,
or am I bloating?

I don't know. We're being
attacked by a crossword puzzle.

I like this one
very much.

Well, yes, that's our
Oktoberfest model.

That's bratwurst
and knockwurst--
the Brat Splat.

How'd it test?

Very well. 90%.
Highly recommended.

-What's the gag factor?
-Instantaneous.

We're working here!

What is this?

That's a Tofu Toss.

That's very nice. I mean,
that'll actually work
for the kosher people.

The Hasidic Heave.
Why do we have coconut
and mushrooms here?

This is diarrhea.
This doesn't belong here.

Well, send over to Peter
in the poop department.

Is this--
This is ham
and pineapple.

Yes. We're calling
that Maui Chowie or
the Don Ho Heave.

I like that.
That's very colorful.
What's that?

That's our duck sausage
and cilantro.

We call it
the Wolfgang Chuck.

And look, there's
the Wyatt Earp.
I love that one.

Ah, but we added okra.
Now it's the Bible Belch.

That's very nice--

What the hell is
going on here?

Sorry, Les. The general
needed more room.

Didn't mean
to scare anyone.

You guys need
to change your diet.

LESLIE:
Owen, what the hell
is going on here?

How much room
does he need?

Well, it's not just
a matter of space.

We're losing
valuable people
every day.

Some more designers
just quit.

What could he be building
that takes this much room?

Is he building
Paul Bunyan toys?

I don't think
it's a matter
of working big.

Leslie, look down there.

More of them arrive
every day.

He better be
making something very cute,

or I'm gonna
be really annoyed.

This is new.

(rumbling)

(glass shatters)

(crash)

(mumbling)

What's that?

(bang)

ALSATIA:
Dad?

Daddy?

Dad, where are you?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Daddy? Dad?

Oh, Daddy.

-Ha ha ha ha ha!
-Oh, Daddy, I need you.

The general closed down
my department,

and Owens is afraid,

and Leslie isn't
doing anything,

and nobody knows what
anybody else is doing,

and there's all
these new people,

and all these old people
are quitting.

And remember
Faye Mackintaw,

the one who used
to paint the lips
on the alligators?

Well, she's gone.
Can you believe it?

Faye Mackintaw's gone.

If something doesn't
happen really soon,

we're all gonna be
in the shithouse.

Ha ha ha!

Alsatia?

Ha ha ha ha!

I think you know
I don't use that term
very loosely,

and I most often
mean it.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Boy, those are
great batteries.

-Leslie...
-I know.

I heard about it.

They closed down
my office.

I know.

Are you gonna
do something
about it?

Course.

(battery dying)
Ha ha.

LESLIE:
What is happening here?

Alsatia's upset.

She's so fragile.

I mean, I don't know
what to do.

I mean, I got him
to stop making war toys,
but he is up to something.

I want to know what
he is doing next.

Think we're a little
early for the parade.

You have enough helium?
Ooh.

"I like that one, Bob.
Here he comes.

It's the incredible
yuppie float."

(laughs)

Why don't you
ask him?

What do you mean?

Why don't you...

just go up
to him and say,

"What are
you doing?"

Get out of here.

Just...

Just go up and ask
the general directly
what he's doing?

Cut through the fabric
of our very society

of obtuse and avoidance?

I mean, where do you get off?

-Now, that is--
-You're making
fun of me again.

-No, I'm not.
-Yeah, you are.

I need a glass of champagne.
Would you like one?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Yeah.

How about
a little more
champagne?

(chuckles)

(neigh)

Whoa.

Stick around.
We may be too tired
to walk back.

There you go.

Just a tad.

Just a hair
of the dog.

Toast...
Melba.

Your daddy was right.

What?

He told me
I'd like you.

You met my dad?

Well, he hired me.

My father hired you?

Mm-hmm.

The day...

um...

before
he passed away.

Handpicked.

I don't know why.

Maybe I do know why.

Pick a state.

Uh... New York.

Wrong.

Pick another one.

Um...
California.

(gasps)

Really wrong.

What the hell is that?

(beeping)

Ah, yes.

This is a nice
space here.

This'll do fine.

You're absolutely right.

I've gotta walk
right up to him

and ask him
what's going on.

Tomorrow.

He's busy right now.

Maybe I'll fax him.

(neighs)

Damn.
They spooked
the horses.

We're gonna
have to
walk back.

General!

General!

-Excuse me, General.
-Hello.

I need some answers.

Fire away, lad.

Will you tell me
what's going on in
the restricted area?

-No.
-Well, I was wondering
if you'd give me

a sneak preview
of the new area?

No. Besides, I don't want you
to laugh at my efforts,

you being
a consummate toy maker,

me being a novice,
so to speak.

I have to run along,
you know?

Oh, before you go,
I'm curious to know,

-why are you
hiring children?
-Children?

-Little people.
-You saw little people?

I think so.
I was looking down
from my window--

Ah, the terrain.
Were you looking
down on them?

All I know is that
they were little,
small, not to scale.

Oh, couldn't be. If you're
in the Empire State Building
looking down,

people look like ants.
Same thing here.

You're looking from
the third-floor window,
people look very much smaller.

That is it.

General--

See, Owen. I've got
the security card.

Get us in the restricted area.

-That's a coup.
-Isn't it?

But the problem
is getting down
that corridor,

past the surveillance
camera.

Leslie...

Six, seven--

Leslie,

have you any idea at all

how we're going to
get down the corridor?

MTV.

MTV.

Uh, Shimera,

would you check
if anyone handed in
my glasses?

I can't see a thing
without them.

Sure, Mr. Owens.

Harvey, you wanna look
in your drawer, too?

Uh, they have
wire rims.

Not here, Mr. Owens.

-Sorry.
-Thank you.

Can't find his glasses.
Like they're in my drawer.

Cesar,
go ahead.

We're under attack by...

Why, it looks like some
kind of mutated plant.

It's enormous.

Gonna try
to break loose.
Stand by.

Got it.

So, less than
500 yards.

Reduce speed to 1/3.

-And stand by
to reverse engines.
-All right.

(music playing)

Who are they?

* Hey

* Ooh ooh

It says,
"Yolanda and Steve."

* Memories of things

* That never happened

* These are always
the hardest to forget *

I think
they're terrific.

* All the old friends

* And the loved ones

* These are the people

* You haven't even met

* Looking forward

* Into the old days

* Looking back

* At what there will be

* There's no reality

* Just an illusion

* There's no real sanity

* Just plain confusion

* How do you feel?

* How do I feel?

* What is real?

Wait a minute.

If this is regular TV,
then what is this?

MTV.

I think it's patched
into the cable.

How the hell
did we get patched
into cable?

I don't know.

* I made it something

* That you can see
and touch forever *

* And always
looked the same *

* From every angle
and never cast a shadow *

* That would
change the way *

* You thought about
its very being *

* That what
you were seeing *

* Would always be

* Would always be

* Would always be

* Would always be

* The truth

I bet they're
lip-syncing.

Nah, this looks
like real.

They all lip-sync.
None of them can sing.

* What is real?

* What is real?

* How do I feel?

* How do I feel?

* What is real?

Here we go.

(buzzing)

* How do you feel?

Want to dance?

Sure.

With her maybe.

My god.

FAO Schwarzkopf.

(explosion noises)

Hi. I'm new here.

What you been
blowing up?

A military base.

What type of things
at the military base?

People,

army tanks,

and helicopters.

Oh.

How many points
do you get
for blowing up people?

1,000.

(beeping)

US 16 returning.

Oh, man.

(alarm sounds)

Break-in,
restricted areas!

-Get it moving!
-Let's go!

(yelling)

Come on!
Move it!

Don't panic.
Stay calm.

Ow!
Ow!

Ohh.

Uhh.
Oh. Uh!

Aah!

What the hell is that?

What's in here?

Help!

Go! Go!

Who breached security?

I don't know, sir,
but the water tank's
been activated.

-The water tank?
-Yes, sir.

Help!

God, help!

What is it?

What is in here with me?

Should I deactivate
the sea swine, sir?

A sea swine?

Oh, yes, you deactivate
the goddamn sea swine!

PATRICK:
Leslie, don't move.

That thing operates
by vibrations.

What the hell is that?

Shut it down,
Hogenstern!

Don't move.
Hogenstern,
shut it down!

LELAND:
Don't touch anything.

I want to see
if this baby works.

Oh. Oh!

Is that thing gonna
eat me or mate with me?

Shut it down,
Hogenstern!

Leslie, don't move!

That's nuts!

I'll drown
if I don't move!

That's it.
I'm out of here!

Leslie,
I said don't move!

Oh, god.
Get away from me!

There.
That showed it.

There. That
showed-- Aah!

It works!

I told you
it would work!

Leslie.

Leslie,
you playing around?

I have to talk
to the Washington boys.

The time has come.

Leslie,
you playing around?

Whose side are you
on anyway?

Leslie?

(tap tap)

LESLIE:
Gwen?

(tap tap tap)

-You're all wet.
-Yes.

-Is it raining?
-No.

Forecast
calls for showers
later this evening.

There's a madman
at the factory, and
it's no longer me.

What? You want to
tell me about it?

Well, Alsatia and I broke
into the restricted area.

Actually, we danced in.

I saw children
playing video games,

and there was
this thing.

It sensed my vibrations,
tried to kill me.

I'm warming myself
in front of a fake fire.

Something is not right,

Very wrong.

What is wrong?
What happened?

Well, I found this room,
full of children.

They're playing video games,
actually war games.

You get 1,000 points
for blowing up
a person.

And then all of
a sudden, this alarm
goes off-- (beeps)

And I run down
this hallway, and then
it says "restricted,"

and I said, "Oh, that
doesn't apply to me,"
and I fall into a pool!

I mean, we're not zoned
for a pool. I mean,
when did they have a pool?

Captain Zevo.
Captain Zevo, come in.

This is Captain Zevo.
Come in, Baker.

Can I have your
position, please?

That's an inappropriate
question at this time,
Baker.

Uh, we have a position
on Leslie, sir.

Report, please.

Uh, he's at the residence
of Miss Tyler.

Out.

(toilet flushes)

-Okay.
-Okay.

-It's okay.
-Okay, breathe.

Breathe, breathe.

Oh, yes.
Come to Papi now.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks.
Thank you.

I hope you don't think
this is pushy.

Do you mind if
I spent the night?

Yeah, looks like
it's getting on.

Yeah. Cut to
the chase, Ace.

There it is. All right.
It's on now. Her it is.

It's all right now.
It's all right.

What happened?

Fix it, man. It
was getting hot,
man. Fix it.

Didn't do anything.

You're always messing
up, man. You're always
messing up.

-Did you bring the manual?
-This doesn't come
with a manual.

Shh. Listen.

(panting)

Oh.

Listen to it.
Listen to it.

Oh, please.

(laughter)

Yo, what is that?

Yo, what was that?

PATRICK:
What's going on here?

Uh, nothing.
Nothing's going on.

Actually, I think
they're sleeping.

What does he know?

I don't think
he's seen enough,

at least not enough to
make any sense out of it,
anyway.

Well, listen up. We're making
some arrangements to meet
with the Washington boys

to discuss the general's
new military.

I want it to be a maximum
security situation.

We're lucky that Leslie
didn't find out anything.

For this Washington meeting,
I want maximum surveillance
on neutral ground.

-Yeah.
-You get that?

Okay.

What the hell is this?

Uh, we taped that off
the corridor monitor,
sir.

We like it, uh...

-Steve and Yolanda,
they're great.
-Yolanda and Steve.

Yolanda and Steve, sir.

If you want
your MTV, soldier,

you better want it
on your own time.

I told him we shouldn't
be watching this.

Tell me, what
exactly happened?

Did something
actually kill you?

Now, you saw

big, bulging eyes
in the water.

Bulging eyes.

Something was coming
after you.

Yes, they were
bulging eyes.

They might've been balls.
I don't know what they were.

There was something big
pulsating in the water,

-and it wasn't me.
-Ew.

Well, what can I say?

How can I alleviate
this doubt?

Why was Patrick
so concerned?

Why was he yelling,
"Shut it down, Hogenstern!
Don't move, Leslie!"?

Why was he yelling that?

Because you
might've broken it.

Broken it?

We haven't tested it yet

to make sure
it's childproof.

Leslie,
anything else?

Yeah, I want to know why
he looks like a Russian
Ralph Kramden.

That was a highly restricted
area back there.

You scared us
half to death in there.

Faking that
you had drowned.

What exactly
are you working on?

I'm working on
a wonderful new water toy.

Oh, a tub toy.

Yes. I have some terrific
video games for kids,

but we've talked about that.
It's very tedious.

Well, let us see them.

I'd love to see them.
Wouldn't it be nice
to have a tour?

Oh, yes. A tour
would be very nice.

I tell you what.

Give me two weeks
to put my house in order,

get my ducks in a row,
so to speak,

and I'll be more than
willing to show you my work.

Okay?

Okay.

PATRICK:
Sir!

Aah!

(tires screech)

Patrick!

Dad!
Don't mind that.

It's just
a diversionary tactic.

Marvelous.

The Washington boys
are set.

The Washington boys.

It's done.

Thursday. 1600 hours.

My moment in the sun.

Break out the zinc oxide!

Leland, I understand
the need for security,

but don't you
think this is just
a little extreme?

BAKER: Oh, yeah.
Look at this. You can see
right through them. Look.

Look like there are
halos on them,

Like little bony angels.

Now, that's the general
right there, right?

Yeah. Don't waste
any time on him.

We know he doesn't
have a wife.

Move over to
the Washington boys--

Tagnell and Magraw.

They definitely
don't have to work out.

Look. Hey,
look right here.

I think we got
a bug, my man.
See right there?

No, no, no. That's
some kind of shapnel
or something.

Shrapnel.

Shapnel. Shapnel.

Shrapnel.

How you feeling,
since your operation,
Magraw?

Oh, not too bad.
But I'm getting
a few chest pains

that I didn't have
before the operation.

It looks like scissors
or something, like,
you know, like,

like, like a clamp.

Well, let's not tell him, huh?
Move over to the table now.

LELAND: Is it everything
I told you it would be?

MAGRAW: A miniaturized
military.

Remote control planes

being operated by kids
on video screens?

You know, the Israelis have
been flying model planes

with small video cameras
attached to do surveillance.

It might not be a bad idea.

But you know, Leland,
we're gonna have to go
back to Washington

with your proposal
for discussion.

LELAND:
You've got to look
to the future.

The future is anarchy.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking
about lawlessness.

I'm talking
about the Lebanons
of the future.

I'm talking about
the breakdown
of the whole system,

The military defending
people against people.

You won't get
your appropriations
waving that flag.

There's no-- no glory in
that kind of warfare.

How can you
possibly justify

that one stealth
bomber costs more

than the government
spends on cancer
research

in the whole of
the United States
of America,

But one million
little planes

at $5,000 apiece.

You see
what I'm saying?

Well, I think this
is something that

we'll have to review
and discuss further.

Well, what's to review?
What's to discuss?

This is the program!
This is what works!
This is the future!

-Dad...
-MAGRAW: All I'm trying

to say is calm down--

Don't tell me
to calm down!

Don't tell me
to calm down!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Waah! Waah! Waah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Raah! Raah! Raah!

Raah! Raah! Raah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

(lip-syncing aria)

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

Ah!

(bang)

(glass shatters)

Anything wrong, sir?

No, just a fly.

Wouldn't it be better
to use a fly swatter, sir?

(bang)

-Ah!
-(bang)

Ha ha ha ha! Yes!

Ha ha ha ha!

Yeah,
those Washington boys...

they didn't bother
to call back.

They think I don't know
what I'm doing.

-I'll soon show them.
-(buzz)

Ah!

(bang)

Bedlam!

Hello.

I missed you, honey.

Where you been?

You know
that's classified.

-Oh.
-Mm.

Don't you think
we should announce
our engagement?

We always have
to keep everything
a big secret.

-Soon. Very soon.
-Yeah?

For now let's have
a different kind
of engagement.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

Oh, Leland.

-What?
-Huh?

You said "Leland."

I said "Leland"?
It must be a mistake.

Oh, you called
me "Leland."

No, no, no.
I said, "Lean in."

You know, lean in.

Debbie...

Debbie,

You didn't do
my dad, did you?

Well...

-Well...
-Did you?

-It was an accident.
-It was an accident?

Yeah, you were away,
and he was having
these bouts of depression.

Oh, so because he gets
a little depressed, you--

God almighty,
Debbie!

Wait. Let me
explain to you.

I mean, you don't know
how tragic it is.

He goes on and on about
the fact that he was responsible
for your mother's death.

I know. I know.

Appendicitis.
Appendicitis.

Debbie, how could you?

What do you mean,
appendicitis?

My mother died from
appendicitis, Debbie.

Uh-un. He sent her on
a reconnaissance mission.

Reconnaissance?

Yeah. You know
how Jane Fonda
visited Hanoi?

Well, he sent
your mother
in disguise

as a Jane Fonda
look-alike,

and I don't know,
something happened.

What does the man know
about toys, Mother Theresa?

He has no sense of fun.

He has a heart of Spam.

Well, how can he come up
with a design better than
our designs?

We've been doing it
for 50 years.

I don't know.
Give me some soup.

Okay.

What do you think, Owen?

Well, we'll be able to see
in a couple of weeks.

Why two weeks?

That's
a good question.

That's a very good
question.

PATRICK:
Do you want to know what
the general's building?

A deadly war machine.

Oh, he is so good.
He's the best.

That red is a hard
color to match.

You want the truth?
I'll tell you the truth.

And nothing but the truth.

We have a breach
of security.
Call the general.

I never liked him
anyway.

LELAND: I knew he'd defect,
that boy. I knew it. I knew it!

One word about his mother,

and he goes soft
like a little kid.

PATRICK: It's not just a game.
Those lethal weapons
he's creating and

building in the factory,
it's just phase one.

-Phase one?
-Yeah.

He wants to build
a new technology for
tomorrow's warriors.

LESLIE:
Oh, my god.

PATRICK: See,
it will start as a great
philanthropic gesture.

He would establish
daycare centers

in all
the poverty areas.

Mothers could leave
their children there
all day long,

and they'd be taught
to read and write
by video computer.

LESLIE:
It's a trick.

To educate them,

but at the same time,

to create a special variety
of video game

to develop coordination,
teach the child how to handle

sophisticated equipment--
simulated flight experiences,

visual laser
lock-on screens.

And the last step,
the final frontier,

is to fly
a real combat mission

with remote-control
weaponry.

I mean, the kids,
they don't know the difference.

They still think
it's a video game,

They think they're racking up
points, and they're actually
wiping out whole cities.

GWEN: Well,
he's gotta be stopped, y'all.
We have to call the police.

-No. No police.
-Why?

Because this is family business.

What's been done has got
to be undone, right?

We're gonna
take care of it.

OWENS:
But how can
we do it?

I put the entire
security system in.

With your help,
I can take it out.

Well, well, well.
Look what we've got here.

A mutiny.

First of all,
we gotta be a unit.

We can't all talk
at the same time.

We gotta be
one mind, one body,

One goal, one soul.

Stand up and join me.

He's very good,
isn't he?

PATRICK:
We are now one--

in body, in soul,
in dedication.

We have one thought
alone-- victory!

I'll put this place
on red alert.

They're as good as dead.

That's your son,
sir.

War has no relatives.

Now, we're gonna get him,

and we're gonna get him good.

War.

All right, sir.
They're here.

And so it begins.

Now is my time.

It was not Korea.

It was not Vietnam,

but now.

Tonight on this
battleground,

this field of innocence,

this shall be
my finest hour.

I can almost
hear the ticking

of the second hand
of destiny.

A moment--

one wonderful moment
when fate takes your hand--

and this is my moment.

* My once in a lifetime

* When I can explore a new--

And exciting land.

* And exciting land

Patrick just took out
the surveillance
system, sir.

Turn on the twin system.

Not even Patrick
knew about that.

I trust no one.

Let the games begin.

That's the sea swine
down there.

Sea swine pit

has enough power.

ALSATIA:
Sea swine. Sea swine.

This is how
it's gonna go down.

Look. I'm gonna shut down
the control centers

to make sure the weapons
are deactivated.

Want you guys to meet me
at the Manhattan model
in five minutes.

Let's move.

Five minutes.

Patrick, we don't know
which way.

Do we hit them
now, sir?

Let them separate
a little more.

OWENS:
Patrick?

Owen!

It's this way.

Yeah, I know it.

Leslie!

Deja vu.
This way.

OWENS:
Alsatia!

All right. Hit 'em.

Uh-oh. I wonder
what the flashing
red lights mean.

Well, red usually
means caution,

or beef if it's
a bouillon cube.

Thank you, Alsatia.
That helps a lot.

I know where I'm going.

I just don't know
how to get there.

Maybe that's the covert way,
not to tell you.

We need a helper
or some fruit.

Hey, y'all, look.

Select floor now.

Oh, look.
Isn't that adorable?

Aah!
Aah!

Ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha!

Isn't that great?

Doors closing now.

Going down now.

That's a very bad baby.

Patrick must be
at the control center.

Ball and dolly
just killed each other.

Put in the Tommy Tanks,

and activate the
Hurly-Burly Helicopters.

* Hoo ha hoo-ha

* Hoo ha hoo-ha

* Hoo ha hoo-ha

LESLIE:
The man's insane.

He's building
fatalistic toys.

Why couldn't
I see it coming?

I mean, I saw the warnings
in the restricted areas.

I fell in the pool,
and someone tried to kill me.
I really screwed up.

Aah!

I thought I'd lost you.

The general knows
we're here.

-How do you know?
-Well...

* Hoo ha hoo-ha*

* Hoo ha hoo-ha*

* Hoo ha hoo-ha*

Oh!

* Hoo ha hoo-ha*

* Hoo ha hoo-ha*

* Hoo ha hoo-ha*

Oh, no!

This way. This way,
this way, this way!
This way.

In here!
This way!

Now what?

I don't understand!
How do they work?

Everywhere we go,
they're there.

They must follow
movement and sound.
I don't know.

Where's Patrick?

Go! Go, go, go!

Hurry up!

Okay!

Move it!

Maybe we can outrun them!

LESLIE: We're in
the old warehouse.

Look, Leslie.

This is where the general
stuck all the old toys.

Everything that
Zevo was is here.

Oh, dance with me.

Not now.

Look at that!

They've let themselves
get trapped.

That means Patrick
must be in there.

It's not like him
to make such a poor
tactical maneuver.

LESLIE:
I used to love
to play with these.

The general's weapons
track movement and--

Owen, do you think
these will still work?

Oh, I-- If you wind them up,
I imagine they will.

I've got an idea.

What?

We're gonna fight
fire with marshmallows.

That's
a complete
answer.

Ladies and gentlemen...

our army.

Let's wind up
the troops.

Someone get me
a cup of tea.

Greenberg.

Yes, sir.

Tea for the general,
eight lumps.

LESLIE:
Sorry it's come to this.

Who would believe
when we made Milton
the Friendly Elephant

that some of you today
would be wound in anger?

Four stores and
many Christmases ago,

my father brought forth
a factory conceived in
innocence and joy,

and squeezable fun
for everyone.

But today may be
the beginning of the end,

or the end
of the beginning,

or the beginning
of the beguine.

And when you go
fourth today, or fifth,

depending on
your order in line,

we are here today
to put you in harm's way.

Because
we determine today
in this warehouse...

the future of toys
as we know it,

whether be toys of
fun and innocence,

or toys for
total tot warfare.

Mr. Penguin?

If you don't do it today,
you're an endangered species.

You know that.

Now, many of you
have never seen
your own fluff.

Many of you are
just out of the boxes.

You've never seen
your own springs
lying on the ground,

but I tell you today,
that's not gonna be the case.

I want you to
wade into them.

I want them to
spill their batteries.

I want them to break
off their antennae.

I want those
plastic behemoths

to be a bubbling
botch of goo!

In the words of Barbie,
"I had a dream house."

I know you can do it.

Spin your balls.
Move your plates.
Skip your ropes.

You, Mr. Twirly, blind them
with the best you can.

In the words
of Mahatma Gumby,

"We are toys
of tolerance,

but there's only so much
that a toy can tolerate."

Do what you must,

you simple, gentle few.

For I would rather
have you by my side

than any
remote-control gadget

that I've ever seen,

because you are--
and even you,

even you, Alien Al.

Pay a little attention,

because you were never
a big seller.

But we stood by you.

So, now's the time
not to ask

what Zevo can do for you,

but what you
can do for Zevo.

Let's all bob our heads
for a brief moment of prayer,

those who can.

(boom)

Aah!

(boom)

(boom)

(boom)

(boom)

-You all right,
Alsatia?
-Yeah.

Bastards, they attacked us
while we're at prayer.

It's like Pearl Harbor.

(boom)

Stay calm.

Hold until you see
the lights in their eyes.

(boom)

(boom)

(boom)

(boom)

* Hoo ha hoo-ha

For Dad, Zevo and Milton
the Friendly Elephant...

now!

(honk honk)

(twoodle twoodle)

(twoodle twoodle)

He's at the 30-yard line,

and number 20
is running like crazy.

He's all alone
out there.

(quack quack)

(awk awk)

(waa waa)

(cheep cheep cheep)

* Hoo ha hoo-ha

Hah!

(wog wog)

(wog wog)

(twoodle twoodle)

* Hoo ha hoo-ha

* Hoo ha hoo-ha

-(gunshot)
-Aah!

(missile launch thrust)

(wog wog wog)

(wog wog wog)

Look at that score!

(laughs)

Oh, boy. Hurrah!

(laughs)

Whoo whoo!

(chop chop chop)

Warning! Warning!

Aah!

(chop chop chop)

Whoo!

-I love this game!
-All right!

(alarm sounds)

Arr, arr, arr, mate.

Arr, arr, arr, mate.

Something's
happened to Patrick.

I've got to get
to Manhattan.

(squeak squeak squeak)

(rahrr)

(grrr)

(missile launch)

(gulp)

Keep the diversion
going!

-I'm gonna find
a way to stop this.
-Okay.

Hurry up, Leslie!
The mice are going AWOL!

Mama.

(chop chop chop)

(twoodle twoodle onk onk)

(orgg orgg orgg)

(orgg)

(beep beep beep)

LELAND:
That must be Leslie.

How the hell
did he get there?

Look, sir. The Tommy Tank
is on his tail.

Not good enough!

Activate the sea swine.

Sir, it's not
too reliable.

Activate it!

Sea swine activated now.

Switch it over
for amphibious attack.

Sea swine in amphibious
attack mode now.

Patrick!

Patrick!

Here!

Patrick,
where are you?

Fifth Avenue, Tiffany's.

This is no time to shop!

Leslie, I've been hit!
I got tanks on me!

You've got to get
to the general's office

and shut down
the main computer!

How am I gonna do that?
The guards are all over
the entrance to his office.

(chop chop chop chop)

(bell rings)

Please watch your step.

(police whistle)

(waa)

(aah)

(waa waa)

(waa waa)

Alsatia!

We're running
out of toys!

Uh-oh.
That's not good.

(aiieeeooww)

Leslie!

(beep beep beep)

(ding)

(beep beep beep)

Sir. Over there.

Hot dog!

These designs are good.

Leslie, watch out!
Bandit at 9:00!

Shoo!

Get out of here! Go!

Go! Go-go-go! Oh!
Get out of here!

Take him down!

No! Go away!

Get away!

You little
Swiss Army bastard!

No, no,

nooooo!

Give up?

-And you thought
I was a fool.
-I'm gonna kill you!

Yaaaah!

(muffled shouts)

Ah! Aah!

LESLIE:
I... will... not...
let... you...

destroy...
Dad's... dream!

Oooohh!

Aah!

Oh! Ugh!

Power failure.
Main power failure.

Main power failure.

Main power
f-f-f-f-f...

Alternate power
online now.

You tried to kill us all.

Oh, come on, Leslie!
Can't you take a joke?

Oh, yeah, I can.

I love jokes.

I love all
kinds of jokes.

But you know what
I don't think is funny?

Is when somebody tries
to kill me, my family,

and destroy the world
as I know it.

I mean, that just
doesn't sit well.
I don't know why.

Call me crazy.

(heavy breathing)

I came real close
to being just like you.

Oh, come on, boys. Can't we
all sit down together and talk
this thing out amiably?

After all,
we're all family.

Leslie! Leslie!
Isn't it wonderful?

It's over,
and the best part is,
no one got hurt!

(screams)

Whoo! What a ride!

(screams)

Oh, no.

He broke my sister.

Oh, I think
I'd like a sandwich now.

Alsatia's
a robot?

Yeah. My dad
built her for me.

My mom died so early, he
thought I needed somebody.

I always thought
she seemed
the same age.

ALSATIA:
Um, I'd like to have--

(rumble)

Will you put her
back together again?

Oh, yes.

Her plans are
in your father's safe.

Oh. Everything is
gonna be all right, Al.

Do you love--
Do you love me?

Of course I do, Al.

I'd give you a big hug,
but your body's over there.

Ohh.

I miss my heart.

We'll get you
back together real soon.

(rumbling)

(grrr)

No!

No!

Oh, no!

Al, you're gonna
be all right.

Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna be fine.
I'm fine.

I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm fine! I'm fine!

Hey, look, Al.
It's Christmas.

No! No, don't.

Please. No, you can't.

No!

Klatu...

Bravada...

Nikto!

Aah!

Aah!

* Let the bells
ring out for Christmas *

* At the closing
of the year *

(twoodle twoodle twoodle)

(twoodle twoodle twoodle)

(grrr)

(snap)

(grrr)

(snap)

(grrr)

* If I cannot
bring you comfort *

* Then at least
I bring you hope *

(arf arf arf)

He's breaking away
from the pack!

He's running for the 20,
the 10. Holy smokes!

It's a touchdown,
ladies and gentlemen!
Touchdown!

* At the closing
of the year *

* At the closing
of the year *

(wog wog)

(wog wog)

(wog wog)

* At the closing
of the year *

* If I cannot
bring you comfort *

* Then at least
I bring you hope *

* If I cannot
bring you comfort *

Howdy.

* Then at least
I bring you hope *

Hi.

You look shh-tunning.

Oh, shh-top.

Shh...

So, this is Paris.

What?

She still
needs a little work.

Can you carry me?

I think it's better
if you walk.

Oh.

LESLIE: Dad?
Don't have to worry.

Zevo Toys is
in good hands.

I gotta go now.
My country calls.

Well, you'll be
back for Easter.

Of course.

We'll be having eggs.

Take care.

Whoa!

Don't know
your own strength.

Keep it.

I can always use
a good hand.

See you later.
Peace.

He's funny, sporty,
and mysterious.

* Let the bells
ring out for Christmas *

Uh-oh.

* At the closing
of the year *

Patrick?

Here!

Just checking!

* Now all the winter bells
are ringing *

* Hear them echo
through the snow *

* And the children's
voices singing *

* On the streets
so far below *

* This is a time
to be together *

* And the truth
is somewhere here *

* Within our love
of people *

* At the closing
of the year *

* We'll walk in a sun

* With all
of the faith *

* And all
of the patience *

* All of the way

* With all
of us right *

* And all of us saying

* "No one an island"

* We'll fly
in the arms of time *

* Walk in the waves,
never fall *

* Don't fall

* At the closing
of the year *

* At the closing
of the year *

(moo)

* If I cannot
bring you comfort *

* Then at least
I bring you hope *

* Then at least
I bring you hope *

* Ooh

* Nah-nah-nah nah-nah

* Mmmm

* Memories of things

* That never happened

* These are always
the hardest to forget *

* All the old friends

* And the loved ones

* These are the people
I haven't even met *

* Looking forward
into the old days *

* Looking back at
what there's gonna be *

* There's no reality

* It's just an illusion

* There's no real sanity

* Just plain confusion

* How do you feel?

* Well, I don't know
just how I feel *

* All I know is
that I love you, girl *

* It's so real, it's so real,
it's so real *

Here we go!

LESLIE:
We have a tradition
of whimsy here

at Zevo Toys.

Dad began that tradition

with Milton
the Friendly Elephant,

and it carries all the way
through the new line.

* There is no
single circumstance *

* I never took
a final chance *

* I made it something

* That you can see
and touch forever *

* I always looked the same
from every angle *

* And never
cast a shadow *

* That would
change the way *

* You thought about
your very being *

* That what
you were seeing *

* Would always be

* Would always be

* Would always be

* Would always be
the truth *