Original subtitles

- Sol. - Sol.

- Sol Goode? - I know Sol.

- Sol, Sol, Sol-- - I fucked him.

I did.

- Sol Goode. - Sol Goode.

- Yeah, I know Sol. - I don't want to talk about Sol.

- He's an angel. - My fucking hero.

- My motherfucking man. - Sol changed my life.

You want to run up to him and say, "Let me be in your life."

- He's... - So...

- Bad, man! -...dangerously cool.

- Charisma. - Don't get any better than Goode.

- I think he's overrated. - He's a great man.

- He's such-- - A fucking dick.

He's loyal as a fucking dog.

- He was a gentleman. - Sol's my dog.

If you don't know Sol, you're in big trouble.

Kind of like this Jack Kerouac...

I don't actually know him, but I act like I do.

...come to life, modern day.

He came up to me and he said something to me.

I feel like he knows so much.

And he said, "Kid, we got a long way to go.

And a short time to get there."

- But-- - And then I realized.

Fuckin' A.

Jack Kerouac and those people in "On the Road"

are fucking assholes.

He was dating somebody else at the time.

He calls me 2:00am, drunk off his ass.

He says, "What are you doing? "

- I didn't really know that. - Completely self--

And every person that I know that he's--

That son of a bitch.

--talked to. They're like, "Oh yeah, I know him.

- I know him. He's really nice." - He sucks!

And I'm like, "Yeah, how long ya known him? "

- He's so fucking frustrating. - What does Sol do?

- He's-- - He uh--

- Uh-- - He's retired.

- He's an entrepreneur. - He's some kind of actor.

An actor.

- Actor. - He is a writer.

- He's a Renaissance man. - He baby sits sometimes.

He has no emotions whatsoever. How can he be an actor?

- I don't know. - I don't have a clue what he does.

- He does hot chicks. - I think he just hangs out.

- Hangs out. - I really don't know.

I know what he should do.

He needs to get a job and go to work

- and stop harassing me. - I had these two girls,

but I didn't know what to say. You know Sol.

- Sol's a dog. - He just fuckin', just--

- He's really cute. - Me and Sol, back at their house.

- Yeah, he's cute. - Fucking great.

Great eyes.

That bastard better stay away from me.

- He's so-- - Hot.

Fucking hot.

I watch him bend down as he picks up his hair products.

- If you've ever seen him dance. - Things he can do with his tongue.

Just his tongue.

- Slobber thing. - He's got some moves.

Oh my God!

I thought that this is it. He is the one for me forever.

But--

- I still haven't heard from him. -I haven't heard from the guy.

- He hasn't called, so-- - Never heard from him.

- He forgets to call you. - He doesn't fucking call me.

He never called.

- Waiting and waiting and waiting-- - You're not going to call me?

And waiting and waiting--

- Fuck Sol. - I think I still love him.

Poseur.

- I love him. - Dick.

- I love him. - Asshole.

- Sol's in. - Sol's out.

( flatulence )

Happens to the best of us. It's amazing what somebody will do

to get a person out of their bed.

I, myself, have mastered the art.

I have three go-tos in this situation.

The first being the old beeper trick.

My buddy Cooper invented it.

Fucking genius.

- ( pager beeps ) - Uh-uuhhh.

Who has the nerve to page me this early?

( grunts ) I'm sorry.

( phone beeps ) ( dial tone )

Hello?

Where am I? Where the fuck do you think I am?

It's 8:00am.

This is Tammie.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.

This is what happens when you drink and dial at 2:00am.

The only problem is,

once you get her in bed, it's impossible to get her out.

Oh dude, that was today? I totally forgot.

All right, I'll be right there.

What's going on?

I have to go pick my brother up at the airport.

- Oh, you want me to go? - Actually... Iook,

a small car, a lot of luggage...

Don't worry. I'll just sit in the back.

Don't you think it's about time I meet your family?

- ( snorts ) - Voices: Whoo-ooaa.

All right, that was pretty weak.

I know I'm much better than that.

When I'm creatively stifled,

I can usually count on Cooper to save the day.

� Oooooh, la, la... �

� Oooooh, la, la... �

� Oooooh, la, la... �

- � Oooooh, la, la... � - ( phone rings)

- � Oooooh, la, la... � - P.O.D.-- fucking Sol.

� Oooooh, la, la... �

Sol: Cooper and I go back since the eighth grade.

Which is about the same time he started shaving his chest.

There's only one thing Cooper cares about--

his hair, otherwise known as his salad.

- Yo! - ( gasps )

What, did you forget what today was?

What's today?

It's Bobe's funeral, dude. We're supposed to be pallbearers.

- Who's Bobe? - It's my grandmother.

- That was today? - That was today.

Bobe's about to go six feet under, dude, and you're--

You should be ashamed of yourself man. Come on, let's go.

Tammie, I have to go.

Don't worry, Sol. I'm here for you.

It's a family affair, I can't--

I won't let you go through this alone.

Voices: Whoo-ooaa.

That was poor execution.

But when all else fails,

you have no choice but to go to old faithful.

( smoke alarm screams, extinguisher blows )

Fuck! Let's go, people! Let's go!

There's been a fuel leak!

It's-- evacuate the premises immediately!

Oh my God. Wait, I have to get--

Do not leave anything behind.

- Do you have all your belongings? - What about your earrings?

Fuck the earrings!

Let's go, people! 60 seconds!

( screams ) Go, go, go...!

( extinguisher blows, screams )

I got it, I got it, I got it...

( screams )

Get in your car.

Drive far. Drive fast. Do not stop.

- Cooper: Hurry! - I'll call you.

- Wait, you promise you'll call me? -I promise I'll call. Go!

Cooper: Nine!

Both: Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four--

Shit. I ought to thank the Academy for that.

Want to go eat?

No, man. I have to go work on my salad.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Coop.

So, what's up, man?

All right, you know-- hey, don't drink out--

- Man, I hate that! - What?

Don't you understand that your backwash goes back into the carton,

which then goes on to my cereal and I end up eating it?

That's fucking disgusting.

Just cut out the middle man and spit in my mouth.

Oh fuck.

Sol: This is my roommate, Justin.

Yeah, she's a little uptight.

But, you would too, if you hated your job,

were about to get married,

and suffered from irritable bowel syndrome.

- In English, that means-- - I have to take a shit.

- God damn it! - What?

You pissed all over the toilet seat.

Are you sure it's piss?

Yes, I'm sure it's piss.

Sol, look at you. You can't even pay the rent.

Mr. Hockman is looking for you.

He says he's going to throw us out of here.

I don't have another $700. I can't cover you this time.

Have I ever let you down?

Yes.

Don't worry about it. I've got a plan.

Uh-huh. Look, man, I gotta go.

Look-- I gotta go. I'm walking into a meeting.

Woman: Please, what's taking so long?

Man: Come on already.

Woman: Excuse me? I've been waiting over an hour.

Man: I have a call back in half an hour.

Woman: I have to get money in my meter.

- Man: Let's move! - Clerk: Next.

It's a beautiful day, isn't it, Miss Jenkins?

The earrings. I love the earrings.

- I love the-- - Social Security number.

It's 605... 24801 2.

- Sol Goode? - Get to know me.

You come up with that all by yourself?

Well...

I'm afraid it's not all good, Sol Goode.

Your unemployment benefits have run out.

What do you mean, they've run out?

There's got to be some sort of mistake, right?

- Mistake? - Yeah, I'm still unemployed.

Mmm-hmm.

I tell you what.

Because I like you, and only because I like you,

I'll give you some advice that will help you out.

Come here, honey.

- Talk to me. - What you need to do is,

get a J-O-B.

Next!

I said next!

I'm saying I could get George Kennedy and Nipsy Russell.

Or we can have the next 48 hours is what we can have.

My mom wants me out of the house.

Good morning, ladies.

Bernie Best's assistant just got the axe.

Greenburg got the axe? Who got the nod?

- You got the nod. - I got the nod, really?

No, not really. Sax, you got the nod.

Smells like minimum wage in here.

Later, Krispy Kreme.

Don't drop the baby.

( mouthing )

Don't drop the baby!

Relax.

Don't drop the baby.

- Man: Sol Goode? - Yes, it is.

You'll do just fine.

Sol? You still going for it?

Good for you. Come on in.

Now, let's change our subject.

Let's change our subject. Let's change the subject!

( sobs )

- ( sighs ) - Sol?

- Do you need a minute? - No.

Yeah, no. I'm okay.

Just-- it takes so much out of you.

That was very moving.

You blew me away.

- Thank you. - No. Thank you.

But...

were you aware that this is a comedy?

A comedy?

Burns: All right, Sax, here's the deal.

Bernie Best is the angriest bitch in the business.

Average lifespan of her assistant is three weeks.

She's fired four this month alone.

What you're about to embark on is fucking brutal.

But it's the quickest way to the top.

One piece of advice, whatever you do, make sure the "Fonz" is happy.

Where do you think you're going? Come here and talk to me.

The "Fonz"?

Come on. I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

Okay.

Where the fuck were you?

I was just down the hall,

- I was just-- - Tahiti?

- Am I late? - You lucky shit.

I want to see pictures.

Sidney, who's your favorite agent?

That's right, I am. Do you want to know why?

Oh gee, I don't know, maybe because I just finagled

Derivative Pictures to hire you for their next family film.

Who gives a shit what the story's about?

I don't know, they said something about a penguin playing shortstop.

You're not responding to that story?

No, Sid, you're responding to the paycheck.

How's that?

Do you know how lucky you are?

Sid, I'm only doing-- Rob Reiner gave me that.

No one likes you.

As a person.

I'm just doing this as a favor to your wife, then you're gone.

Okay. All right.

Hey-- okay, happy birthday.

Fucking hack!

Who are you?

I'm Justin Sax. I was sent here to work on your desk.

Sax. What kind of name is that?

You a Jew?

Half.

Oh no. Oh Christ, no.

- No, no. - I'm on my mother's side.

No, Fonzie! Not in the goddamn office!

( pants )

Oh, that's going to stink.

Jimmy, would you be a lamb and clean that up for me?

Okay. And give it a shot of Fabreeze when you're done.

What's Fabreeze?

Dude, I can't believe, two pints of blood

gets me $30 and a bearclaw.

I'm broke. I need money. Coop?

- What the fuck are you doing? - God damn, dude.

My salad's kind of banging right now.

Oh fuck, Coop. I'm just saying, I might need a loan.

Don't look at me, fool. I don't got any extra cash.

You know how much I paid for these highlights?

- $200. - You're unbelievable.

Don't be jealous.

Woman: Miss?

Miss?

Excuse me, miss?

Yes?

I've been here for 10 minutes and I don't have a menu.

Actually, I'm not your waitress, but I will go get her.

Excuse me. Before you disappear for another 1 0 minutes,

- can I just get something to drink? - Sure, what can I get you?

An LA Skyline.

What's that?

Half iced tea, half lemonade. The iced tea represents the smog,

the lemonade is for the sun.

- That's called an Arnold Palmer. - Whatever. I don't play tennis.

( whispering ) Bitch.

Sol: This is my best friend, Chloe.

No, it's not like that at all, were just friends.

It's always been like that.

Probably because she doesn't take any of my shit.

Or anybody else's.

Finally.

- What's up, guys? - What's up? How you doing?

I just love being a waitress.

Just to be given the opportunity to... serve people.

It's really quite fulfilling. It's a gift.

I personally love being unemployed and living off my parents.

It's so rewarding--

- Can we cut that? I'm starving. - What can I get you, Coop?

I'll go with Pam Anderson's double-breasted chicken.

Well done.

I'll have the Ricky Martin tossed salad.

- Two lemonades? - Absolutely. Hold the lugies.

- Are you wearing eyeliner? - Not in this lifetime.

What?

It looks like you're wearing eyeliner.

Is it obvious?

He changed the locks.

( TV playing )

Announcer: Henderson rounds first.

Man: Oo-oohh God.

Man: Oh God, I'm on second.

It's wrapped the wall. He's headed to third.

- Man: I'm going to third. - Yes, it looks like he's home.

- He slides head first-- - Man: I'm sliding into home.

Announcer: He scores!

Honey? You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You sure?

- Oh, oh yes! - No.

Sweetheart?

What's wrong?

Mom, I gotta talk to you.

Yes?

Is there any way I could-- look, I'll pay you back,

I swear to God. I'm just a little short on rent.

- How short? - A midget.

I'm sure your father's offer still stands.

Come on, Mom. I can't be an umpire.

Why not? Your father was an umpire.

Your grandfather was an umpire.

You'd be great at it, it's in your blood.

No way, Mom. It's humiliating.

- I just need a little help. - No.

Dad?

You don't even know what we're talking about.

You don't think I became an umpire by being stupid,

do you?

I think it's time we had a sit down.

A sit down?

I don't have time for a sit down.

I gotta be somewhere soon, Dad.

Where do you gotta be?

You don't have a job. You don't have a woman.

You don't have squat. We're having a sit down.

What are you doing with yourself?

Dad, you know what I'm doing.

Why do we always have to have this talk?

Why do I pay your rent every month?

You know, Sol,

this acting thing has gone a little too far.

As a matter of fact, it has gone nowhere.

But you gotta understand,

this sort of thing, it doesn't happen overnight.

It takes time.

There comes a time in every man's life,

when he has to give up foolish fantasies,

and face certain realities.

The truth is...

...you're not fucking Paul Newman!

And as far as that parental scholarship you've been riding on,

it is now officially over.

You can't do this. I just need a little time.

Honey. I've just had a terrific idea.

You should get a part on "Friends." You'd be great on that show.

Why didn't I think of that?

Just go out and get a part on "Friends."

- I'm going to go, guys. - Before you leave,

there's something else we wanted to say.

( sighs )

You know...

that your father and I love you more than life itself.

And you know that you can talk to us about anything.

Of course.

Well, your father and I were wondering...

if you were a little--

curious.

Curious as to what the hell you're talking about.

Son?

Do you sit down when you pee?

Wait.

- Do you guys think I'm-- - No, no, no, honey.

No. I mean-- look--

we love you, whatever you are.

Unconditional love.

It's just that we think it's a little strange

that you've never had a girlfriend.

I've been with plenty of girls.

Just because I've never had a girlfriend,

- doesn't mean I'm gay. - That's not what I've heard.

Dad?

You were a George Michael fan.

He does have a point.

It was just a phase I went through.

Will you hold it against me forever?

All right, it's not about the fact

that you were into George Michael,

which is sad enough, it's the fact that you're 27

and you haven't been in a relationship

for more than 20 minutes.

- What do you think that is? - You think I have a problem?

Slightly.

Okay, you're the psych major, you think I have a problem.

- Enlighten me. - All right. Happy to.

First of all, you have a fear of any kind of commitment.

You're the biggest narcissist I know, besides Cooper,

and you've built a barrier keeping you from feeling anything intimate.

How do you think you'll ever self-transcend?

"Self-transcend"? Did you learn that in class today?

Actually, I did.

I think we should wait till you graduate

before you start psychoanalyzing my life.

When did you become so knowledgeable in relationships?

When was the last one you were in?

Functional one, that is.

I'll admit, I've had my share of losers.

- At least, I'm not afraid to try. - What are you trying to say?

I think you know what I'm trying to say.

Really?

� There's no coming back from where we've been �

� You're saying different people change, get it �

� What's the point in letting me find out like that? �

� Yeah �

� Well, this is something that they don't advise �

� Communication is the only relation �

� So why... �

� Did I find out like that? �

� Yeah. �

Why does Brenda have a say in everything you do?

Can't you get off lockdown for one night?

Come on, Sol. Turn the page.

No, it's ridiculous.

She won't even let you go out with your friends.

She fuckin' owns you. Where's your sack?

Dude, I don't even know you anymore.

I mean, your woman, she runs your show.

You gotta stop talking shit, dude.

All right? I'm marrying this girl in six months.

You're my best man. She's my best girl.

Okay? Accept it.

All right. You're right. I'm sorry.

It's just between the job and Brenda,

we never get to hang out anymore.

When was the last time we spent some quality time together?

I don't know.

Take off your skirt-- let's live a little.

� It's Friday night on the streets of LA �

� I'm movin' out 'cuz I've been working at the job all day �

� Got the info line number, with directions to the site �

� Ugly Duckling on the bill to rock the mic right �

� Tonight, I gotta be hype and get the crowd reacting �

� I call Dizzy's house, says "What's up?, what's happenin'? " �

� Get my DJ on three-way. Don't forget to bring the guestlist �

� See the freshest off the wall like asbestos �

� I rock without the D tops, walk without the Reeboks �

� Talk until the beat stops �

� Then pick it back up with the beatbox �

� And yo, I gotta ride, so you need not �

� Cool, I'm leavin' at 7:30, we can caravan �

� To the jam with Einstein, the two-hand man �

� In command like a general, lighter than a dinner roll �

� Solid as a mineral, open like a centerfold... �

Dude, this is some fucking...

booyah!

- ( knock on door ) - Oh fuck.

That's the fucking landlord.

I'll get the door.

That's not the landlord.

Man: Sol Goode, open up!

Quit messing around. Let me in the door.

Cousin Happy? Oh shit.

I knew that was you.

Oh... Iook at you, man.

- You look good. - You look like a movie star.

Sol: So what are you doing in town, man?

Well, me and my lady decided to take a time out.

- You guys broke up? - No, I didn't say we broke up.

- I said we took a time out. - What's the difference?

See, a time out is just a break.

It's a reevaluation process

with the hopes of getting back together.

So you got a hall pass. You going to use it?

Oh, I don't know. I'm not planning on it.

What about you, Sol? You got a lady yet?

No, no, no... not yet.

Yo, what's up?

Are you kidding me, Coop? You're not going to wear that?

Yeah, I'm fucking wearing this.

Let's see who gets all the fucking pussy tonight.

- Where'd you get that? Baby Gap? - Are you jealous, motherfucker?

I'm taking this shit to the stage tonight.

Oh God. Cooper?

- Happy, what's up, dude? - What's up?

Right there, dude. Lay it on.

- How you been? - I've been good, how you been?

Good. What's with the blue hair?

Let's cut the small talk. Let me see that thing.

What thing?

Heard you've got a Duraflame. Let me see it.

You want to see my pecker?

I ain't gay, Hap. I fuck models only. Okay?

I've been hearing about it since high school.

I want to see what I'm up against. Come on...

bust it out.

- Cooper: Come on. - All right.

All right, sit down.

Now... don't get scared.

Fuck.

Who are you, dude?

Yeah, I'd be happy too, if I was packing that kind of heat.

Holy shit!

� Fuck tha police, comin' straight from the underground �

- � Young nigga got it bad � - � All: 'Cuz I'm brown �

� And not the other color, so police think �

- � They have the authority � - � All: To kill a minority �

- � Fuck that shit � - � All: 'Cuz I ain't the one �

� All: For a punk muthafucka with a badge and a gun �

� To be beaten on, and thrown in jail �

� We can go toe-to-toe in the middle of a cell �

� Fuckin' with me, 'cuz I'm a teenager �

� With a little bit of gold and a pager �

- � Searchin' in my car... � - ( horn blows )

( brakes squeal )

- What the fuck, dude? - What are you doing?

- That was Brenda. - So?

- So what? - I gotta go back and say hi.

No you don't, you saw her an hour ago.

Hey, Poo-Poo.

Where are you going, Justin? I'm on my way to your house.

I thought we were going to rent "Titanic" tonight.

Is she fuckin' for real?

We might go catch a drink or something.

Oh.

Well, I want to catch a drink.

That'll never happen.

Have fun with your girlfriends, Justin.

( engine races )

No, Poo-Poo. We're just going--

Uh-uuhh!

That's Brenda. I think her face says it all.

No, Poo-Poo! We're just going--

Iove you-- I--

Thanks, guys.

Please, dude. We just did you a favor.

Your cousin's hat is killing me right now.

Take a look at his boots, you won't even notice the hat.

- Yee-haw. - Hey, partner.

Howdy.

- Howdy. - I like that.

Girl: You look like a real cowboy.

Why don't you come with us?

And show us how the West was hung.

- You've got a big head. - Must be my lucky hat.

I don't even think that was a good rap, did you?

Coop, he didn't even open his mouth.

Poo-Poo, listen to me!

I didn't want to come. No, they made me--

- of course I love you. - Brenda: I don't believe you.

Together: Ready for a blow job, cowboy?

No hands, girls.

I can't fit this in my mouth.

- Uhm-mm. - Uhm-mm.

Bam!

You need Therapy, Thursday nights.

- Buh-bye. - Bam!

Therapy, I know, got it.

Peace.

Man: I just want to be taken seriously.

Like a cross between Ricky Martin,

with that sensuality, that bon-bon,

and Fred Durst with a business sense.

The shit I'm doing-- we're called "The Dirty Underwear Brothers."

My brother programs the beats. I'm the "lyracalist."

You know, it's like-- it's like-- 'N-Sync

meets fucking Kid-- Kid Rock in a dark alley.

Oh dude. Dude.

Oh dude.

Fuck.

I think that's the chick from the Diesel ads.

- Justin: I think your right. - No dude. I know I'm right.

Fuck, she's hot.

Did you see that?

She was just peeping my shit right there. Did you see that?

- She was peeping you. - No way.

You ready to see your dog dial that in?

- Sol: Do your business. - Cooper: I will.

She's on, dude.

All right, come here. Talk to me.

Pretend like we're having a serious conversation.

- How's my salad? - Banging. Are you kidding me?

- Banging? - Yes.

- All right, I'm going. - Go.

- You had me at hello. - Did I say hello to you?

No, but you still had me.

Has anyone ever told you you look like Brad Pitt?

No.

Good, 'cause you don't.

Girl #2: Nice shirt. Love the hair.

I'll call you.

That's weird that you bring up nightmares.

'Cause in my class, we were talking about dreams and what they--

Oh shit. I didn't tell you about my motherfucking dreams.

Oh my God. Oh God. Oh fuck.

I get this one recurring dream...

...that I'm being recruited by a boy band.

Fuck.

And as initiation...

....they make me sit on a block of ice.

Buck fucking naked.

My nuts are like two little lonely fucking raisins.

And right before--

you know the-- the cute one, the braids, who's like--

He's got that-- you know what I'm saying?

Right before he sticks his finger in my butt,

I, uh-- God, I wake up...

...with a hard-on.

Wow.

Man: I'm really confused, you know?

Do you know what that means?

Chloe. I've been looking all over for you.

The lady from the adoption agency called.

They found your biological parents. They're in Arizona.

Chloe: Oh my God. Arizona.

I'm so sorry. I have to deal with this.

Oh shit. No, no, no. I was adopted too.

That's sad. I really have to go deal with this.

- I will call you. - No, good luck.

Where'd you find that winner?

I don't even want to get into it.

Chloe: Why can't I find a guy who isn't romantically retarded?

Someone who will charm the pants off of me

instead of asking me to take them off myself.

I thought you didn't want to get into this.

I didn't, but you asked.

I don't need a lot, you know?

I don't need a dozen roses.

I just need someone who will pick me a daisy every once in a while.

And it wouldn't hurt if he had a job.

I don't care if he works at Taco Bell.

As long as he works.

And...

Iooks good in a suit.

And can ride a skateboard.

Make me laugh.

And when I look into his eyes, I just want to--

I want that thing, you know? I want to feel--

I want to become...

dreamy.

Dreamy? Wow.

You think after the third fucking date,

this guy would know the color of my eyes.

What color are my eyes, Sol?

Depends on what time of day it is.

In the day, they're like this light...

blue with orange tint.

At night they're like this...

...grayish blue-- depends on what kind of mood you're in.

When you're mad...

...they're like these...

...cat eyes. These weird cat eyes.

( sighs )

That's what I'm talking about.

What?

What?

Come here, "Tiger."

Oh, this is comfortable.

Shit.

Hey, where's Justin?

He's in the back.

God.

I am going to kick his ass.

Hey. What are you doing?

Weren't you wondering where I was?

Of course I was wondering where you were.

- Where have you been? - I want to go.

- Brenda, you just got here. - I know. And now I want to go!

- But I'm having fun. - Well, congratulations!

Justin, look. I'm having my period.

Don't be difficult.

No, you can't do that.

- What? - Last week you were PMS-ing,

this week you're on the rag.

You can't be a bitch two weeks out of the month.

If you're using your period card one week,

you can't use your PMS card the next week.

It's not fair. It's one or the other.

You're so cute.

I love it when you get mad.

I'll tell you what.

If we go right now,

I'll let you do anything you want to me.

You said you were on your period.

I know. Today was my last day.

Anything?

Anything.

I feel like I'm 1 0 years old.

( moans )

That's the point, baby.

You like sucking on that lolly?

Yeah.

Now say it.

Daddy, I finished all my homework.

Did you eat all your vegetables today, baby?

Yes.

( moans )

And what's Daddy's number-one rule?

Don't tell Mommy.

( moans )

Oh, good girl.

Good little girl.

- You're a pervert. - I know.

Sweetie, did you brush your teeth?

Of course.

Did you wash your hands?

Oh, come on, Brenda.

If you're going to touch me, I need your hands to be clean.

- I'm going to come. - Not in me.

- Come on, Brenda. Please? - No. I said--

- Just this once. - No, no.

Okay, baby. Okay. All right, I'll pull out.

No, no, no-- not on me.

Come on, Brenda. Please?

- No. - Just this once.

No.

Okay, baby. I'll just put it--

Not near me.

Not in me, not on me, not near me?

What do you want to do?

What if we don't come at all, Poo-Poo?

Huh? Huh?

What?

Oh God.

- Oh God. - Oh no.

( moans )

( machine beeps )

Sol, this is Mr. Hockman.

You owe money very much for rent.

- If you do not pay-- - Oh fuck.

Angie.

( phone beeps )

Angie, Sol. What are you doing?

So, I guess you're in for the night?

Katy, Sol. What are you doing?

Really?

China, it's Sol. Pick up-- you there?

I know you're there. Pick up.

Hey, Jenny. It's Sol. What are you doing?

Oh he is?

Okay. Bye.

- Voice: Call her. - Voice #2: Just call her. Why not?

- Come on. Call her. - Tammie is not the option.

- Voices: No, no. - Fuck it.

Tammie: Hello?

Hey, Tammie. What are you doing?

Getting laid was the last thing on my mind, all right?

I'm too tired. Jesus.

I just wanted to talk.

So what do you want to talk about?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop.

Don't stop. What?

I can't believe you, Sol. You're never going to change.

What are you talking about?

Sol, you just don't get it.

You've never taken me out. You only call me at 2:00am.

I'm sick of it. You treat me like some cheap hooker.

- I want to be taken out. - I've taken you out.

You name one time that you've taken me out.

We went to the movies once.

That doesn't count. I ran into you at the movies.

Yeah, but we sat together.

Until you take me out on a proper date, I don't want to know you.

Fine. If you want to go out,

Iet's go, right now!

It's 3:00am. Give me a break.

All right.

You want to go out on a date.

- Let's do it. - When?

Be here tomorrow at 8:00.

You can not be seen in public with her.

Don't you think I know this?

I've got one word for you-- Schlomo's.

Schlomo's?

My grandparents go to Schlomo's.

Exactly. Take her to the one in the valley, then nobody sees you.

Right. See, that's why I love you.

Sol: Oh, boy.

Cooper has arrived, ladies and gentleman.

What do you got, Coop?

I've got such a bang over.

I fucked the hottest chick on the planet last night.

Cooper: I might end up marrying this girl.

You hit that shit the first night and you think she's wife material?

Chloe, if you knew the route I took,

it could have hit you too.

- Doubtful. - Anyway,

I went with the "I was abused as a child" route.

Shit works every time.

They see you're sensitive, vulnerable...

and mysterious 'cause you got a fucked up past.

I might have to marry this chick,

just to wake up to her name.

- Treasure. - Treasure who?

Just Treasure. She's a one-namer.

- The one on the Diesel billboards? - That's right.

The chick that denied you last night?

- They call me the comeback kid... - You're right,

- they just don't call you at all. - You don't believe me?

Smell that.

- Oh my God. That-- - What?

Cooper...

- you're claiming the Diesel chick. - Yeah.

You'll need proof of purchase on this one.

I'll get you proof of purchase tonight.

Happy, what happened to you last night?

Sol: Look at fucking Diggler.

- How you hitting them, player? - Hi.

Did you get what you deserve last night?

- What? - Did you kill it?

I think what he's trying to say is, did you get any last night?

Oh. I don't really kiss and tell.

Did you fucking N-n-n-n-n last night?

A little bit of N-n-n-n right there? A little N-n-n-n-n-n-n?

Cooper. What, you like 40? Would you grow up already?

Happy. I'm sorry, these guys...

they don't get any, so when they do,

they don't kiss and tell, they kiss and yell.

Shit, I get more ass than a toilet seat at the Lilith Fair.

Bernie Best's office. Can you please hold?

Bernie Best's office. Can you please hold?

Bernie Best's office. Can you please hold?

Sol, I'm working. Why don't you try it sometime?

Call me later. Bernie Best's office, thank you for holding.

Hey, Sid. Hold on, let me see if I can get her.

- Sid on line one. - Speak to Regina.

- Sid on line one. - I said no.

Sid? She's stuck in the canyons, can I take a message?

I'll have my boy call you.

Okay, bye. Thank you for holding.

Hey, Mr. Stone. Hold on one second.

Oliver Stone on three.

I have to go. I'll talk to you later.

Oliver. Hi.

What's the good word, my friend?

Of course, I read your script.

Let me get my notes.

Okay? Hold on one sec.

- Jimmy? Jimmy? - Yeah?

I need coverage on the script I gave you to read last night.

It flowed really well. Really memorable characters.

A definite actor's piece. A fantastic read.

Oliver? First of all, can I just tell you--

I can't remember the last time I read a script

that flowed this smoothly. It was brilliant, brilliant.

And the characters-- talk about memorable, please.

Yes.

And, I sobbed.

I sobb-- I know it's a comedy. I sobbed from laughing.

Can we reschedule for tomorrow?

Who do I think would be good for the lead?

- Great question. - Denzel's not available today.

- Can we reschedule for tomorrow? - Denzel.

Denzel Washington needs something like this, Oliver.

He would--

of course I know the character is Vietnamese.

But, you know Denzel, he's like a chameleon.

What do you think?

- Oliver? Hello? - ( dial tone )

Oh fuck! Jimmy!

Why did you say Denzel when you knew the character was a gook?

- No, I didn't say Denz-- - You made me look like an idiot!

I didn't say Denzel. I said Denzel,

- but for rescheduling. - Shut it, okay?

Shut it, don't speak. Don't even breathe.

Which reminds me,

The Fonz has chronic halitosis and it's making me nauseous, okay?

I won't smell either one of you til the situation is taken care of.

I'm talking about you. You've got a foul mouth.

Get it done.

Casting director: Summer? You're up.

This is what you do every day?

- I could get used to this. - Happy, not right now.

I'm trying to concentrate. I need to book this.

Buddy, relax. It's just a commercial.

- Sol Goode, you're up. - Yeah.

- Wish me luck. - Happy: Good luck.

Sol, are you here for the Mentos commercial?

Sure am.

I think you might be too old.

Blakely Simms?

You're up.

We need a father. You could be a father. Come on.

Okay.

Are you here for the Levis commercial?

- Me? - Casting director: No, you.

No, I'm here waiting on my cousin, Sol.

Not anymore. You're coming in on Levis.

Yippie ki yi yay.

There was dialogue?

What's it for?

Levis.

Fucking Levis commercial?

With dialogue?

How do you think you did?

I don't know. He said I "bookered" it.

You fucking booked it?

- Apparently. - Fuck!

- Are you mad? - I'm not mad. I'm psyched for you.

You've been in this town five fucking minutes,

you're booking commercials. I'm fucking happy.

I think that's fucking great.

You know what? He got lucky... it happens.

It doesn't happen, all right? Not to me.

Maybe I suck. Chloe?

- Do I suck? - No.

I haven't seen you in much, but I'm sure you're great.

- You'd tell me if I sucked, though? - Of course.

Maybe my dad's right. Maybe--

maybe I should give it up.

Have you ever thought about doing anything else?

I don't know what else I would do.

- ( cell phone rings ) - Hold on.

Hello? Yeah, I'll hold.

It's my agent. Maybe I booked. Please, God, please.

Hey, George.

No, no, no. Listen, I knew it was a comedy.

I wanted to go the other way with it.

I wanted to show them my range.

Come on, man. I know it's been a few years. Give me a chance.

Okay.

- Chloe: What's up? - I just got dropped by my agent.

- I'm losing my house. - And there goes your car.

No! No!

No! Hey!

Hey! No!

Fuck!

- What's this? - Nothing.

- Chloe: What are you doing? - What?

Put down the bong.

I know you don't want to hear it,

but you have to face it. You just...

can't keep running away from everything.

God, you have more potential than anyone I know.

Everything you want is right in front of you.

All you have to do is go out and get it.

But you expect everything to come to you.

- That is not how life works. - Chloe, that is fucking bullshit.

- I'm out there busting my ass-- - Busting your ass.

Right, because your biggest responsibility every day is--

is where to eat lunch? Or how to get a girl out of your bed?

- I've gotta go. - What do you mean, go?

We're having a discussion. Let's finish.

I would love to finish this, but I have to get to work.

What else could possibly go wrong?

( knock on door )

This ride's pretty sweet, huh?

A few promotional stops once in a while and this baby-- whoo!

As good as mine. I might be able to hook you up.

- No, I'm good. - Cool.

Sol?

Hey, Sol!

Sol? Sol?

Sol, I think that girl knows you.

Angie.

Whose car is that?

It's my friend Tammie's.

- Hi. - Hey.

Call me.

Actually, I have to make a quick stop.

A stop?

No, we don't have time for a stop.

It will only take two seconds. It's right up here.

What's up, everybody? This is "Spider" and you're back in the web.

We're here in Los Angeles at yet another Red Bull Undercover.

You know the dealio. Any minute now a major rock band

will hit the stage. I don't know who it is.

You don't know who it is. Maybe some of these crazy people know.

Anybody know? Is that the band?

No, that is Red Bull,

supplying unneeded energy boost to these rabid fans.

Let's see what our little sponsor knows.

- Two seconds. - What are you talking about?

- We have to go. - Spider: Excuse me? Excuse me?

- What are you doing? - Oh no! Red Bull!

Come and get it!

Here you go, Red Bull. Here you go, Red Bull.

Come on. Get your Red Bull. You want the Red Bull?

Want some of that? Want some of that right there?

- Want that right there? - Spider: Excuse me, Mr. Red Bull?

Excuse me, sir? Do you know who the band is?

- Or where the band is? - I don't know anything.

He's shy, ladies and gentleman.

Oh shit.

Hey, Mom! Hey!

- Hello? - Why are you wearing my shirt?

- What? - You heard me.

I thought you had dinner with your grandparents tonight.

I am. I'm with them right now.

Don't lie to me. You're going public with Tammie right now.

- How do you know? - Cooper: How do I know?

- I'm watching you on TV. - What? No, no, no!

And for all those people that aren't watching,

I just might have to hit record.

Proof of purchase. I've got your proof of purchase, dog.

- Bye bye. - Wait. Wait.

- Oh shit. - Tammie: Red Bull!

- There you are. - Hey, Happy. What's up?

- What are you studying? - Freud's psychosexual stages.

I won't even ask.

I'll let you get back to your studying.

I've had enough studying for one day.

Do you want to grab a drink or something?

- Sure. Love a drink. - Chloe: All right.

Hi. Welcome to Schlomo's.

Have you decided what kind of-- hi.

- Hi. - Waiter: Hi.

Dude.

What can I get for you, ma'am?

What's the best thing on the menu?

I really like uh-- these--

the-- the uh-- the gefilte fish.

- Ugh, fish. - You don't like fish.

- I don't like fish either. - Man, we're on a date.

Yeah, exactly. How about the chicken?

- Waiter: You like chicken? - Tammie: I don't do meat.

- Chicken schnitzel. - I don't do meat.

- All right. - Huh-huh.

I'll just have--

I'll have a Long Island iced tea.

Coming right up.

Waiter: And for you, sir?

Dude. Sol? Sol Goode?

Hey... Murphy, right?

Yeah, man. Man, you and Cooper, man,

you fucked my sister on the 50-yard line.

You remember?

Dude, "Nicole the Hole."

Yeah, right. How's she doing?

She's rockin'. Rockin'. She's on the scene.

Looking clean.

So, what are you doing on this side of the hill?

What are you doing in the valley, Sol?

Getting a bite to eat.

Well, what-- what can I get for you?

I think I'll have the brisket.

Brisket. Cool, bro'. Brisket.

And Long Island iced tea. This guy is my hero, bro.

Fucked my sister.

� Oooooh, la, la... �

� Oooooh, la, la... �

� Oooooh, la, la... �

� Oooooh, la, la... �

� Oooooh, la, la... �

Go ahead. You can touch it.

God, your chest is so smooth.

You like that, don't you? I bet you do.

Don't be scared. I'm not going to bite you.

Oh shit. Go for it. Touch it a little more.

- Oh, baby. - Touch my nipple.

Seriously, I'm not fucking around. Touch my nipple.

- What? You're so forward. - I know I am.

What was that?

Just a little party in a pill, girl.

It starts with a "V" and ends with an "A."

You do the math.

Virginia?

- No. - Treasure's voice: V? V?

Visa?

Cooper's voice: How will I get proof of purchase?

- Vice versa? - Sol's voice: Proof of purchase?

- Viona? - Proof of purchase?

- Treasure's voice: Vagina! - Proof of purchase.

- What are you doing, you freak? - What?

I don't know. I'm sorry. I was just fucking around.

Oh God. You know what? Just take me home.

- Just take me home, all right? - Fuck.

To Sol.

To Sol. Maybe he'll get his shit together.

Yeah.

Whoo-oo!

You feeling that?

Yeah, you want more?

- Why not? - Let's go.

( slurps )

Listen, Sol,

I really need to talk to you about something.

I think it's time that...

we started re-evaluating our relationship.

Wait, Tammy, hold on, before you say anything,

- I have something I want to say. - No, please. Just let me finish.

I really think that we should be--

I mean, I think I want us to be...

...well...

...fuck partners.

Say what?

You know, FTF, Friends That Fuck.

Wait a sec, Tammy, I'm confused.

- Last night you were-- - I know, I know, I know...

Last night I gave you an ultimatum,

but I was just testing you.

Wanted to see if you would show me the respect of taking me out.

Sol, you stepped up to the plate.

What do you think about non-meaningful sexual relationship?

( sighs )

Wow. That's very flattering,

but I got to be honest with you.

I don't want something that isn't meaningful anymore.

In fact...

I want something much deeper than that.

That's great, Sol, but do you want to hear about deeper?

I'm going to get it right now

and I'm going into the handicap stall in the women's bathroom.

And if you know what's good for you,

you're going to be right behind me.

Give it to me, Sol. Harder.

Shut up and fuck me.

Riot pump me. Riot pump me!

( cell phone rings )

- Hello? - I'll be right back.

- Hey. - Hey, Sol.

I'm sorry if I went hard on you today.

No, no. Don't apologize. Thank you. I needed it.

You won't believe what happened tonight.

Sol: I took Tammie out on a date, right?

She starts saying how she wants to take it to the next level.

Then out of left field, she says she just wants to be fuck partners.

And Chloe, you're going to be so proud of me.

I turned her down. Said I wasn't doing that anymore.

All right. Baby steps.

No, you don't understand. I get it.

I get what you were saying today.

I feel invigorated. Like starting my life over.

You'll see. Tomorrow is the beginning of a brand new Sol.

I like your enthusiasm,

but can we continue this conversation tomorrow?

How come?

I'm kind of with somebody right now

and it's a little rude to be talking on the phone.

Who are you with?

- I'm with Happy. - What are you doing with him?

I'm just getting a drink, man.

When did you guys start hanging out?

Tomorrow, Sol.

Radio: Rise and shine, LA!

It's 7:00am.

Time to get a handle on it. Get on up.

We have a beautiful day going.

( alarm buzzes )

Oh yeah.

Okay. Did you bring along your resume?

Sure did.

- What's this? - The resume. It's on the back.

"Return of the Surf Nazis 4," huh?

Besides that, do you have any previous work experience?

You mean, like a real job?

No, like a pretend job.

No.

No? Nothing at all?

Yeah.

All right. Then what are you qualified for?

What aren't I qualified for? I pretty much do anything.

Are you proficient in computer programming?

You got me on that one. That's the one thing I can't do.

- How about clerical work? - What's that exactly?

- Typing. - You got me on that one too.

- I'm just not a great typer. - Okay. You know what?

We're not starting off so good here.

- Do you have any special skills? - Yeah, it's on the resume.

Besides Hackeysack and accents?

It says you're good at golf. You like to golf?

Love golf.

Oh fuck.

Okay!

So what happened, Mr. Goode?

Oh just-- it just didn't work out.

Too bad Bill Gates is still running Microsoft

or I would give him a call.

What else do you have here on your special skills?

Okay, it says you're good at cycling.

I grew up on a bike, I mean--

1 0 speed, BMX, you name it, I can ride anything.

I'm the master cyclist.

- ( glass breaks ) - ( cat hisses )

( children laugh )

Congratulations, you win first prize.

We've had more complaints about you than any other person this month.

We have a retarded man named Andy

who has worked here for 1 2 years and not had one complaint.

- You should be ashamed of yourself. - Yeah.

All right. Let's look on the magic special skills thing

and see what else we have.

Character work. You're good at character work, huh?

Yeah, I mean--

I don't want to toot my own horn,

but I'm sort of a method actor.

I can pretty much dive in any character.

Let's see one. Let's see a little one called "I can keep a job."

How about that character? That's a character I'd like to see.

Something came in and I'm going to give it to you 'cause I like you.

I've got a job on the set of a movie. How does that sound?

Yeah.

Good. Do you have your hepatitis shots?

Sol?

Did you book? I booked. Did you book?

Good job, man.

Stop it.

Stop it. Stop-- come on, that's disgusting.

Stop it. Fonzie.

Jimmy. Jimmy!

Oh Jesus.

- Were you talking to me? - Yes, moron, I'm talking to you.

I'm sorry. I usually respond to Justin.

"I usually respond to Justin." No, asshole, you respond to me.

Okay?

Why don't you tell everybody what you learned today?

That I should check if the clients would like something to drink.

And did you do that?

No.

No.

Ask them.

Would you gentleman like something to drink?

H2O is fine.

Is the water coming in by itself?

Now go get the water.

And put down the crack pipe.

Cooper: All right. Answer me this.

Would you rather have Tammie as your girlfriend,

or knock two inches off your penis?

I can't afford to loose two.

Ties it up at 1 0 apiece. The next bucket wins.

( honking )

Hold on a second. I'll be right back.

- There's one more point left. - You're not going anywhere.

There's money riding on this. Let's go. Come on.

Today, Justin!

Oh my God. Today is the day you should get rid of that bitch.

( honks )

- Okay! - Brenda: Today, Justin!

All right! Just hold on a sec. I'll be back in a few.

The ball, dude.

Thank you. Softie.

Where is his sack?

I think it's hanging off her muffler.

- Hey, Boo-Boo. - Get in, I have a surprise for you.

- What kind of surprise? - The one you've been waiting for.

- Are you ready? - Oh, I'm ready.

Okay. Close your eyes.

- We're going to do it right here? - Right here.

Oh my God.

Okay.

Open your eyes.

- What does that mean? - It means you're moving in with me.

- I am? - Don't you think it's time?

Don't you think you should have asked?

I wanted to surprise you, Poo-Poo.

I don't think we should rush into that just yet.

Rush into it? Justin...

we're getting married in less than six months.

We've been going out for over 1 0 years.

We'll be spending the rest of our lives together.

I just can't pack up and leave Sol.

There you go again. Choosing your friends over me.

You guys are in love with each other.

It makes me fucking sick!

I'm not saying I'm in love with them or choosing them.

I don't think we should move in together right now.

You know what? You have a decision to make.

It's them... or me.

Brenda, that's bullshit. Don't put me in that position.

Them or me, Justin! I mean it!

Now get out!

- Go! - I'm going, okay?

- Don't push! - Jerk!

Pitch me the fucking rock.

Cooper: Come on, Justin!

Dunk it! Dunk it!

Yo, let's roll tonight. Boys night out.

- Can't, I have plans. - What do you have, a hot date?

- You guys down? - I'm down.

I'm not down. I don't go out anymore.

- What? Since when? - Since right now.

Besides, I have an appointment in the morning.

I'm just done with this scene, man.

- Don't be that guy. - What guy?

The guy that says he never goes out,

- but you see him out every night. - You mean, like you?

- Anyway. - Seriously, I'm feeling it.

I need to get my flirt on.

Really? The Therapy is supposed to be rockin'.

I say we all take it to Therapy tonight.

Therapy sucks. I'm definitely not going there.

- Why not? - Too many high-fives.

It's the same old story.

I can tell you exactly what's going to happen.

You'll do a few laps. Peep some dreck.

Then you'll get bombarded by the Colonel promoting another club.

Coop! Bam!

You'll rush the go-go dancers and bust the running man.

Then finally, you'll get blind-sided by Suzie Bench-press.

Cooper! Hey! Guess what? I maxed on the bench-press today.

Sol: And you're going to tell her, like you always do...

Susie, that's really great. But I've got news for you.

You're cock-blocking me.

Sol: She won't leave you alone until you feel her tri.

You like that, huh?

Sol: At this point, you're thinking about hitting it

till I come into the picture and bitch-slap you back to reality.

Oh fuck.

What are you thinking?

I don't know.

- Thank you. - Now can we leave?

Oh my God. Look at lover boy.

Cooper: Getting his flirt on.

- And you used to date that girl. - Who?

She never wore the same outfit twice.

- The uh-- Brenda. - What was her name?

Yes, Brenda. She was such a bitch.

Oh my God, yes. Brenda.

- Yeah, Brenda. - Do you still see her?

We're engaged.

- You're kidding, right? - No.

- Justin, why would you do that? - What?

I love her.

- I think-- I do. - Sorry.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

- I didn't mean that. - It's okay.

A lot of people have said that she's a bitch.

She's a bitch.

Jesus. Is everybody getting some except us?

I bet Hap drives his truck through that.

I don't mean to interrupt this little love connection,

but we're out of here, man.

You're fucking cock-blocking right now.

Just meet us outside, all right?

One more.

Are you crazy? I just did one.

- One more. - Jesus Christ.

Cheers! To fucking your face.

Should we give Amber a ride home?

Where she live?

Where do you live?

Pasadena.

Pasadena.

Pasadena?

I'm gonna pass a dena on that.

I've got a better idea. Get in.

Now, don't get scared.

Oh my God. It's huge.

Put it inside me.

I want you to beg.

Please, I need you inside me, cowboy.

Now that's a good girl.

God!

Oh...

...good. Yes!

Fuck.

Morning, Sol.

What are you doing up?

When did you start smoking?

Cat got your tongue?

Did you fuck her?

What?

Did you fuck Chloe?

We're just friends, Sol.

Relax.

Don't give me that friends shit.

You're a dog. We both know it. Now answer the question.

Jesus. Nothing. Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not. Just answer the question. Did you?

I didn't fuck her. I didn't do anything with her.

I don't want you guys hanging out together.

- Why not? - Because.

Because? Now there's a valid reason.

What I don't understand is why you even care.

I'm just protecting her, all right?

From what?

- From getting hurt. - Oh, I see.

I see what this is all about.

What?

You like her. You have feelings for Chloe.

Please. She's like my sister.

Yeah, I know.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh my God, Sol. Have you seen Justin?

He never called me last night. He never misses our 11:00pm call.

- Brenda, Brenda. - Yeah?

It's okay. He's upstairs. Asleep.

- Asleep? - Yeah.

Oh.

What the fuck?

Huh? Wha--?

Ewe.

Is that Amber Stevens?

What is that skank doing in your bed?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

There's a fucking slut in your bed

and you don't know how she got there?

Brenda, I swear to God.

I don't know how this fucking skank got in my bed.

I was so fucked up last night.

- Fucked up? - When I came home.

- Did you fuck her? - No! I mean--

I don't know.

No, no. Don't be a fucking pussy right now, Justin.

- You tell me the truth. - I am telling you the truth.

If you tell me the truth right now, I promise that I won't be mad.

I don't fucking know. I don't know.

- Brenda: I don't believe you! - I am telling you the truth.

- Liar! - Okay. All right.

- You want to know the truth? - Yeah!

All right.

It just happened.

- Oh my God. - I don't know what to say.

I gave you 1 0 years of my fucking life!

Fuck.

Okay.

You will never...

find anyone as good as me, Justin.

Have a nice life,

you small-dicked, hairy-assed, fucking shit-face.

I have to take a shit.

Really?

( cell phone rings )

- Hello? - Sol: It's me.

- What are you doing? - I'm trying to get out of here.

When you get off, is there any way you could

- meet me at the Top of the World? - Top of the World? Why?

- I'll tell you when I see you. - All right.

What's with the suit? Did somebody die?

I was trying to tell you the other night but...

you were too busy.

I-- I've been interviewing for a job.

- Impressive. And? - And...

it's tough. But I'll find something.

I must say, you look pretty good in a suit.

Do you remember the first time we came up here?

Barely. How high did we get?

Retarded.

Here, this is for you.

What's going on? Why are you acting so weird?

Chloe.

I've--

I've been thinking a lot. Thinking about us.

Is everything okay?

I love you.

There, I said it.

That's really adorable. I love you too. There, I said it.

No, Chloe...

I love you.

Is this a joke?

What are we doing?

This isn't-- this isn't right. What--?

- Why are you doing this? - You don't understand.

I do understand because I was there.

What do you mean, you were there?

Sol, you are so fucking blind. Do you know that?

I finally accept that we're just going to be friends,

and then you throw this at me. It's not fair.

You can't decide you want to be with me

just because you think I'm with somebody else.

This has nothing to do with somebody else.

This about you and me. We're perfect together.

What about...

...when it doesn't work out?

Have you thought about that? About our friendship?

Look, give me a chance.

Give us a chance and then we'll know.

If it doesn't work out, we'll never have to wonder.

We deserve that, Chloe.

Why me?

Why?

Because I can spend all day with you

and then actually want to spend all night with you too.

I like who I am with you. I can act stupid and not feel stupid.

Because you know every Jimi Hendrix song.

Because you don't try to look beautiful, you just are.

Because you're my best friend.

I can't.

Chloe? I'm the guy you're supposed to be with.

� There's no coming back from where we've been �

� You're saying different people change, get it �

� What's the point in letting me find out like that? �

� Yeah �

� Well, this is something that they don't advise �

� Communication is the only relation �

� So why �

� Did I find out like that? �

� Yeah. �

Good morning, Burns.

Not for you.

Hey, Charlie. How are you feeling?

Stephanie. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Hey, Phil. How's your stool, fool?

( distant yelling )

Fahim, much love, brother. Keep fighting the good fight.

Hey, Carrie.

Bernie? Before you say anything, I'm so sorry.

I've worked here for two years and I've never even been late.

But this morning was the craziest of my life.

- My fianc�e just broke up-- - You know what?

Save it for someone who cares, okay?

The only thing I care about right now

is why the Fonz isn't eating his food.

What's the matter, baby?

Yes, Momma's talking about you.

What's the matter? You got a sour tummy?

Maybe he caught your irritable bowel syndrome thing.

He only eats people food.

Which is why we have to trick him.

Now, if he sees you eating some of his kibble,

he'll be all over it. Jimmy...

do me a solid. Eat some of his kibble.

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious.

- You want me to eat dog food? - It's just kibble.

He'd do it for you.

No, no, no! What are you doing? Not like that.

You have to get on your hands and knees like a dog.

He won't eat it otherwise. He's not stupid.

I'm not getting on my hands and knees.

- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.

I'm going to give you to the count of three.

Okay? One, two...

three. Eat the fucking dog food!

- You eat it. - Listen, you little fuck!

You work for me, okay? You're my bitch.

If I tell you to get on your hands and knees, you better do it.

Now eat the fucking dog food.

First of all, I'm not your bitch!

Second of all, I didn't spend two fucking years in that mail room

to eat your fucking mutt's dog food. Okay?

You know what?

I quit.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about.

Finally somebody found some fucking balls around here!

Now you're acting like an agent, Jimmy!

I almost find you attractive.

You know what?

I'm making you an agent by next week.

How's that? You can tell your buddies that on your way out.

Now go find me a new assistant.

Find your own assistant, Bernie.

I'm out.

Don't make me count again.

Jimmy. One! Two!

( phone rings )

Can someone get my phones?

� It's impossible �

� I know what you're thinking �

� 'Cause some things you can't revise �

� I don't know where to go �

� I only need to feel something �

- � Give me one more-- � - I did it.

I got my fucking balls back.

I don't know where they'd been, but I just got them back.

- I just quit the agency. - You did?

Hell yeah, I did.

Who was I kidding? Trying to be somebody I'm not.

I'm not like those people. I fucking hate those people.

Anyway, man. Thank you.

For looking out for me. I appreciate it.

Oh, hey. This is for you. It was on the front door.

I have to take a shit.

"Dear Cousin Sol, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

But more importantly, I didn't get to say thank you for everything.

But I think it's time I handed in my hall pass.

And I think it's time for you to open your eyes.

And when you do, you'll find the gift you've always wanted.

She's always been there and she always will be.

Say goodbye to the boys for me.

Take care. Happy.

PS: They said I should be receiving some residuals soon.

I hope this helps you get through the month."

Hey.

Hey.

How are you doing?

Fine.

I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable yesterday.

It was selfish of me to think that you'd drop everything

and be with me just because I wanted you to be.

It's just that everything in my life right now is wrong.

You're the only thing that's right.

I don't even deserve you.

But, I'm going to get it together and I just hope

that when the time's right,

you'll be there.

That's all I wanted to say.

� Life is short enough �

� Are you feeling lonely? �

� Do you just want to spend your time �

� With someone that can read your mind? �

� There's no postcards when you're floating out this far �

� And for the last time �

� I want to feel something �

� Like a wave on the ocean �

� Wash away the old divide �

� It's impossible �

� I know what you're thinking �

� 'Cause some things you can't revive �

� Don't know where to go �

� Only need to feel something. �

Announcer: And here we are in the last inning, folks.

Foothill trails this ballgame, five to two.

There are two outs and the bases are loaded.

A home run could win this ballgame.

Strike!

Bullshit! That was outside! You suck!

I suck? You couldn't hit your way out of a paper bag,

- you little punk. - You suck.

Say it again. I dare you.

That's what I thought. Play ball!

Yeah! Ha ha!

That's for you, old man!

- Foul ball! - Announcer: Oh, foul ball!

That brings the count to zero and two.

Calling this ball game, third generation umpire, Sol Goode.

Strike three! You're out!

Announcer: This ballgame is over, folks.

- Immortal wins, five to two. - No!

That's my dog right there.

- Not bad for a rookie. - I told you it was in your blood.

Sol, I have something for you.

This has been in our family for three generations now.

It's protected us well.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm proud of you, Sol. I'm proud of you.

Hey, Ump.

You called a good game.

- You were right. - About what?

You are the man I'm supposed to be with.

� Dream away, dream away, dreamer �

� Fly away, lifetime screamer �

� Satellite watching from up above �

� Late at night, causing the streetlights �

� Celebrate life in the firefight �

� Every night taking all my love �

� Dream away, dream away, dreamer. �

What are you doing?

- Um-- I have to go to work. - I thought you had the day off.

I did, but I promised somebody I'd cover their shift.

- You have to go right now? - Uh-huh. I do, but...

thanks for last night. And I'll call you.

Did I just get POD'd?

Gotcha.

� Satellite is always watching over you �

� Satellite is watching everything you do. �

( man clears throat )

Thanks for letting me crash, dude.

It's cool.

Don't tell anybody, okay?

Don't tell anybody what?

Nothing.

Are you kidding me, dude?

Okay.

What, are you kidding me, dude?

Go back down, right now.

Fuck, I have diarrhea.

Hey, it's the chick from the Diesel ads.

Dude, look at her pooper. Fuck.

I wasn't into her, man.

She had cankles.

- What are cankles? - Cankles.

You know, the calf goes right into the fucking--

you know where the calf goes right into the fucking--

What are cankles?

- Oliver? - ( dial tone )

( voicemail recording plays )

- Well, if you would-- - Justin: Sidney on line one.

Justin: Sidney on line one.

Oh goddamn.

Oh goddamn, baby. You feel that?

You feel that shit? I fucking love this song.

What's the best thing on the menu?

It depends on what you like. I think--

there's the uh--

the best thing--

oh shit.

Do you have any Bisquick mix?

I make the meanest fucking pancakes, dude.

Chloe: What is that?

Cooper: That's your proof of purchase, you little bitch.

Oh fuck. She was right here.

Sol: Sure.

- God. - I'll get you a towel.

I'll get you a towel.

I'm sorry, baby.

Baby, I had a lot in there.

I was backed up, baby.

I heard you're packing a fucking Duraflame, dude.

- Happy: How you been? - I've been good.

Dude, I heard you're--

- Happy: How you've been? - I've been good.

Let's cut the small talk.

- Happy: How you been? - I've been good.

I've been good.

Dude, I hear you're packing a beer can.

You're packing a fucking--

Let's cut the small talk.

Pull your shit together, motherfucker.

I'm fucked. I'm fucked. Cut.