Original subtitles

[ WHISTLING ]

[ DRUM PLAYING ]

* OH, I WENT DOWN SOUTH TO SEE MY SAL *

* SINGING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* MY SAL, SHE IS A SPUNKY GAL *

* SINGING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* FARE THEE WELL, FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY FAY *

* FOR I'M OFF TO LOU'SIANA FOR TO SEE MY SUSY ANNA *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL DAY *

OOH!

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL, POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL *

* MY SAL, SHE IS A MAIDEN FAIR *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* WITH CURLY EYES AND LAUGHING HAIR *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* OH, A GRASSHOPPER SITTIN' ON A RAILROAD TRACK *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* A-PICKING HIS TEETH WITH A CARPET TACK *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* FARE THEE WELL, FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY FAY *

* OFF TO LOU'SIANA FOR TO SEE MY SUSY ANNA *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* OH, I WENT TO BED, BUT IT WAS NO USE, SING... *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL DAY *

* MY FEET STUCK OUT LIKE A CHICKEN'S ROOST, SING... *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL DAY *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA *

* LA LA LA LA *

* LA LA LA LA *

* LA LA LA LA *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL DAY *

* BEHIND THE BARN DOWN ON MY KNEES *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

AH-CHOO!

* I THOUGHT I HEARD A CHICKEN SNEEZE *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

[ GASPS ]

UH -- AHH!

UHH -- AH!

OOH!

HEH -- OH!

* OH...I...SNEEZED SO HARD WITH THE WHOOPING COUGH *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* HE SNEEZED HIS HEAD AND TAIL RIGHT OFF *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY FAY *

* FOR I'M OFF TO LOU'SIANA FOR TO SEE MY SUSY ANNA *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL DAY *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL DAY *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE *

* ALL THE DAY *

* FARE THEE WELL *

[ SEA GULL SQUAWKING ]

[ PANTS ]

[ GASPING ]

[ BARKING ]

EXCUSE ME, MR. FARMER,

BUT JOHN-JOHN WANTS HIS BALL.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I MADE SOME COFFEE AND LEFT A SWEET ROLL IN THE OVEN.

[ SNIFFLING ]

I TALKED WITH DR. ALFASA, AND SHE SAID

SHE DOESN'T THINK YOU SHOULD SEE THE CHILDREN FOR A WHILE,

ESPECIALLY JOHN-JOHN...

TILL THEY GET USED TO THE IDEA.

FELIX.

I'M LEAVING THE CADILLAC.

I WON'T GO!

THEY'RE WAITING IN THE CAR.

YOU SNAP A FINGER, WHISTLE, I WON'T GO.

I'LL ACCEPT THAT.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

HOW ABOUT MOVING YOUR PIGEON TOES

IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FRONT DOOR,

AND WE'LL GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD?

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

Woman: Sandler Agency.

HARRY SANDLER.

YEAH.

DID YOU GET FELIX?

NO, I'M CALLING YOUR FATHER.

GIVE HIM MY LOVE.

WHAT? HARRY?

I called the Bel Air house and Palm Springs.

I didn't get an answer.

I TRIED HIS BEACH NUMBER

AND GOT SOME DERANGED CHINAMAN.

GET FELIX ON THE PHONE.

TELL HIM TO BE AT DAVID'S OFFICE AT 11:00.

RIGHT, DICK.

YOU TELL HIM 11:00,

OR IT'S HIS ASS AND YOUR ASS, TOO, HARRY.

GOT IT?

UH, JOYCE SENDS HER BEST.

HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU ARE.

HOW DO I LOOK?

IF I TOLD HIM, HE'D HAVE ANOTHER HEART ATTACK.

SHE'S TERRIFIC, HARRY.

NOW STOP JERKIN' OFF AND CALL YOUR CLIENT.

[ GROANING ]

[ WHIMPERS ]

OH, BATHING SUITS.

[ CAR HORN HONKS ]

KIDS' BATHING SUITS.

I LEFT A SET OF KEYS ON YOUR DRESSER.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

MR. FARMER'S RESIDENCE.

HARRY SANDLER.

I'M AFRAID MR. FARMER'S OUT TO LUNCH, MR. SANDLER.

[ CAR HORN HONKING REPEATEDLY ]

I'M COMING!

Girl: BYE, DADDY!

DADDY! BYE, DADDY!

MOMMY, WHY CAN'T DADDY COME WITH US?

DADDY'S HAVING A VERY BAD DAY.

[ CHEF SPEAKING CHINESE ]

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

Man: A FIRE IN DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES THIS MORNING

DESTROYED THE OAK HOTEL.

LUCKILY, NO INJURIES,

BUT DAMAGE IS ESTIMATED AT $1.5 MILLION.

NOW HERE'S TAMMY TAYLOR

WITH HER EXCLUSIVE REPORT FROM HOLLYWOOD.

"NIGHT WIND" OPENED IN 800 THEATERS

TO UNANIMOUSLY BAD REVIEWS

AND, IN SPITE OF A MAMMOTH ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN,

IN THE FIRST WEEK HAS GROSSED LESS MONEY

THAN ANY FILM IN THE HISTORY OF CAPITOL STUDIOS.

I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT CAPITOL'S PRESIDENT

DAVID BLACKMAN IS CONSIDERING CALLING IN ALL OF THE PRINTS.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CAN'T SOMEBODY FIND HIM?

I'VE BEEN ON THE PHONE ALL MORNING.

WHAT ABOUT SANDLER?

I TOLD HIM IT WAS HIS ASS IF FELIX WASN'T HERE.

WHAT DID THE LAWYERS SAY?

CUT THE FILM, HE CAN SUE.

WELL, THEN, WHAT'S THE ANSWER?

SCARE THE HELL OUT OF HIM, THEN GIVE HIM YOUR IDEAS.

IDEAS? IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT.

OH, ABSOLUTELY.

THAT'S ONE THING I CAN DO I'M PROUD OF --

I'M A DAMN GOOD CUTTER.

YOU SURE ARE.

I, UH, RAN THE FILM TWICE LAST NIGHT.

THE CUTTER AGREES WITH MOST OF YOUR SUGGESTIONS.

YEAH, BUT WOULD HE SAY SO TO FELIX?

I THINK SO.

HE'S BEEN WITH FELIX FOR 15 YEARS.

HE WANTS TO DIRECT.

AH! THAT'S ALL I NEED -- ANOTHER DIRECTOR.

UH, SPEAKING OF DIRECTORS...

WHAT ABOUT CULLEY?

YEAH, WHAT ABOUT CULLEY, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE?

SHACKED UP WITH SOME 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL

AND A CASE OF JACK DANIEL'S.

GOT A 6-PICTURE DEAL, PAY OR PLAY. WHAT DOES HE CARE?

I HAD A LENGTHY CONVERSATION WITH HIM LAST NIGHT.

I TOLD HIM THAT J.G. WAS SO WORRIED,

HE WAS CONSIDERING SELLING THE STUDIO.

YEAH, WELL, KNOWING J.G., THAT'S NOT SO FAR-FETCHED.

EVIDENTLY CULLEY DIDN'T THINK SO, EITHER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHERE IS HE?

RIGHT OUTSIDE.

ALL RIGHT, CHECK ON SANDLER.

SEND CULLEY IN.

HARRY SANDLER. THIS IS DICK...

GENTLEMEN.

I WANT TO RECUT "NIGHT WIND,"

BUT FELIX HAS AN IRONCLAD CONTRACT.

THAT'S NEVER STOPPED YOU BEFORE.

NO SMART-ASS STUFF, CULLEY.

J.G. CALLED SIX TIMES LAST NIGHT,

AND IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING DAMN QUICK,

ALL HELL'S GONNA BREAK LOOSE.

HARRY! WHERE THE HELL COULD HE BE HAVING LUNCH

AT 10:00 IN THE MORNING?

I DON'T THINK YOU GRASP

THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION.

ALL RIGHT. HANG UP.

NOBODY KNOWS WHERE HE IS.

I WANT YOU TO GET FELIX TO AGREE TO RECUT THE FILM.

TELL HIM YOU'VE GOT SOME GOOD IDEAS.

I WANT TO PUT OUT A STORY

THAT WE'RE RECALLING ALL THE PRINTS

AND FELIX IS GOING TO MAKE SOME DRASTIC CHANGES.

GET IT CALLED IN TO J.G. AT 6:00.

GIVE HIM MY REGARDS.

NOW, UNLESS YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT CAN'T WAIT

UNTIL THE 3:00 MEETING, THANK YOU.

[ RINGS ]

HELLO?

Did I wake you up?

OH, HI, DARLING. NO, YOU DIDN'T WAKE ME UP.

IT'S A WONDER.

YOU REALLY WORE ME OUT LAST NIGHT.

YOU WERE FANTASTIC.

YOU WERE PRETTY FANTASTIC YOURSELF.

LISTEN, I, UH, I LIKE YOUR SUGGESTION.

SAM MARSHALL AND YOU MAKE GOOD CHEMISTRY,

AND HE'S RIGHT FOR THE PART.

MM. [ Gasps ]

What did you say?

OH, NOTHING, NOTHING. UM, THAT'S GREAT.

SO I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT, HUH?

I miss you.

YEAH.

Bye.

BYE, DARLING.

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, HE LIKED MY SUGGESTION.

HE THINKS YOU'LL BE GREAT FOR THE PART.

* YOU CAN GO TO EXTREMES... *

[ HORN HONKS ]

* YOU CAN LAUGH AT YOUR DREAMS... *

HI.HI.

LADIES.

OH. WHAT A GREAT CAR YOU HAVE.

WHERE YOU HEADED?

THAT DEPENDS. WHERE ARE YOU HEADED?

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

YOU'RE LATE, BEN.

I KNOW THAT, DEAR BOY.

WHAT'S UP?

THEY'RE ALL WAITING FOR YOU.

THAT DOESN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION, DEAR BOY.

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT YOUR DEAR BOY, BENNY.

Man: AS SOON AS WE FILE FOR DIVORCE,

IT'S A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD.

POLLY REED ALREADY HAS HER NOSE IN THE WIND.

SALLY, YOU COULD NOT HAVE PICKED A WORSE TIME.

AS YOUR PRESS AGENT, I AGREE,

BUT IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD TIME IF "NIGHT WIND" WAS A BIG HIT.

LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU HAVE AN IMAGE.

THEY HAVE NEWSPAPERS TO SELL. IMAGINE WHAT THEY'RE GONNA SAY

AFTER THEY'VE FINISHED ALL THE NICE THINGS

THEY WRITE ABOUT YOU.

YOU KNOW THIS TOWN, SWEETIE.

YOU COULD SMOKE DOPE

AND END UP GOING STEADY WITH YOUR AFGHAN,

AND YOU'RE JUST ONE OF THE GANG.

BUT YOU, YOU'RE PETER PAN.

"NIGHT WIND" IS A FACT.

WE HAVE TO CONVINCE PEOPLE IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

ANYBODY CAN FAIL, EVEN SALLY MILES.

NO! THAT WAS FELIX'S RESPONSIBILITY.

YOU WALK OUT ON HIM NOW,

AND THOSE FANS OF YOURS ARE GONNA HATE YOUR GUTS.

ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT CRITICIZED YOU

WHEN YOU MARRIED HIM.

THOSE SNAKES WILL BE THE FIRST.

NOT EVEN A LEGAL SEPARATION?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

SHIT, NO!

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

DAMN.

SORRY.

[ HUMMING ]

[ COUGHS ]

[ HUMMING ]

[ COUGHS ]

[ HUMMING ]

[ MOTOR STARTS ]

[ HUMMING ]

[ COUGHS ]

[ HUMMING ]

[ CHILDREN TALKING INDISTINCTLY ]

THAT WATER'S COLD.

[ SIGHS ]

[ BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO ]

TAKE IT EASY, LADIES, WHILE I CHECK THINGS OUT.

HARRY?

[ STATION CHANGES, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO ]

FELIX? SALLY?

ANYBODY HOME?

[ DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES ]

[ COUGHS ]

[ CAR ENGINE RUNNING ]

* ON YOUR BACK *

* I'M A HUSTLER *

* THE WAY YOU SMOKE THAT BIG CIGAR *

* TO SHOW THE WORLD THE MAN YOU ARE *

* I'M A HUSTLER... *

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

AAH!AAH!

* DON'T TRY TO PROVE YOU'LL SURVIVE... *

CULLEY?

CULLEY, THERE WAS A MAN OUT THERE WITH A RAT --

THIS GIANT RAT!

* YEAH, I'M A HUSTLER *

* BABY, I'M A HUSTLER *

* I GET TIRED OF MEN... *

[ MOANING ]

GOOD MORNING.

IT'S NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA

TO SIT IN HERE WITH THE MOTOR RUNNING.

I BETTER TURN OFF THE IGNITION.

Woman: OH!

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

COME ON. HURRY UP.

TAKE IT EASY.

OH, MY GOD!

[ SALLY SINGING ]

SORRY. CULLEY JUST CALLED.

FELIX TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF.

JUST THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW.

[ BARKING ]

Culley: I CAN BE REACHED AT THAT NUMBER

OR THIS ONE HERE.

OKAY, FINE. I THINK THAT ABOUT COVERS IT.

I APPRECIATE THE COFFEE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NOTHING, NOTHING.

CULLEY? CAN I BORROW A BATHING SUIT?

THERE MUST BE SOME SPARES IN THE UPSTAIRS DRESSING ROOM.

IF I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING,

WHAT ARE THE LAWS ON NUDE SUNBATHING?

I'D HAVE TO COME BACK AND ARREST YOU.

BET I COULD TALK YOU OUT OF IT.

BET SHE COULD, TOO.

I MAY DROP BY A LITTLE LATER AND CHECK ON MR. FARMER.

YEAH, DO THAT.

THERE ARE LIABLE TO BE SOME REPORTERS NOSING AROUND.

LOOK, THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW

WHO LIKES REPORTERS LESS THAN I DO IS THE CHIEF.

THEY STICK THEIR NOSES IN THE WRONG PLACE,

THEY GET STEPPED ON.

OH, AND TELL MR. FARMER

IF HE EVER DOES A MOVIE ABOUT THE COPS,

I GOT ENOUGH STORIES TO FILL A STEAMER TRUNK.

AND NONE OF THAT "SERPICO" CRAP -- THE REAL COPS.

SEE YOU LATER, MR. CULLEY.

Culley: OKAY.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

JEEZ, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

TRAFFIC'S JAMMED UP ALL THE WAY TO TOPANGA.

TOOK ME AN HOUR AND A HALF TO GET HERE FROM THE STUDIO.

HOW IS HE?

COMPARED TO WHAT?

GARY SAID THAT FELIX DROVE HIS CAR --

I TOLD GARY TO TELL SALLY

NOT TO TAKE AN AD OUT IN VARIETY.

LILA, THIS IS BEN. BEN, LILA.

MAYBE FELIX DID TRY TO KILL HIMSELF,

BUT IT'S SALLY THAT'S GONNA SUFFER.

I COULDN'T FIND A BATHING SUIT.

BABS, THIS IS BEN.

I'D LIKE TO NUDE-SUNBATHE,

BUT I DON'T WANNA GET BUSTED.

DARLING, YOU ALREADY ARE BUSTED.

THEN YOU THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT?

I THINK IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA.

GREAT! HERE GOES NOTHING.

IF THAT'S HER IDEA OF NOTHING,

CAN YOU IMAGINE HER CONCEPT OF SOMETHING?

CULLEY, YOU'RE A DIRTY OLD MAN.

* OH, MOON OF MONACO *

HI, DOC. HOW IS HE?

HEY, BEN.

HOW IS HE?

WHY IS IT NOBODY EVER ASKS HOW THE DOCTOR IS FIRST?

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU

THAT I COULD BE SICKER THAN THE PATIENT?

IRVING, I'M SORRY.

FELIX WILL SURVIVE,

BUT FOR ALL YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BE TERMINAL.

THANK GOD I'M NOT A SURGEON.

CAN YOU WAIT UNTIL I MIX YOU A DRINK?

BARELY.

FELIX IS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, ISN'T HE?

HE'LL BE FINE,

BUT I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT YOU, BEN.

YOU LOOK LIKE 180 POUNDS OF CONDEMNED VEAL.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME GIVE YOU A VITAMIN SHOT?

NO, NONE OF YOUR SHOTS, THANK YOU.

OOH, YOU NEVER KNOW. IT MIGHT HELP.

COME TO THINK OF IT,

WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU A VITAMIN SHOT?

I'M THE ONE WITH THE HANGOVER.

HI, HON. IT'S ME. ANY MESSAGES?

B-12...

I DON'T WANNA TALK TO HER.

F.Y.I. ONLY, I'M AT FARMER'S.

CRUDE LIVER...

AND A GENEROUS JOLT OF ADRENAL CORTEX

CHASED BY A BLOODY MARY.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS A CHASER.

WHERE WOULD SALK OR PASTEUR BE

IF THEY HADN'T TAKEN CHANCES?

I GOTTA GET A STORY STRAIGHT FOR THE PRESS.

TELL THEM YOU'LL ONLY BE IN THE HOSPITAL

A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

OH, FUCK OFF, WILL YOU, IRVING?!

NOW, LILA, IN ORDER TO INJECT THIS PROPERLY,

I HAVE TO EXPOSE MY GLUTEUS MAXIMUS.

WANT ME TO DO IT FOR YOU?

ARE YOU, PER CHANCE, A NURSE?

NO. I USED TO BE A JUNKIE.

WOULD IT ENDANGER YOUR AMATEUR STANDING

IF I ASKED YOU TO USE A STERILIZED NEEDLE?

YOU'RE THE DOCTOR.

OH, THAT'S THE NICEST THING

ANYONE'S SAID TO ME ALL WEEK.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

HELLO? WHO IS THIS?

OH, HELLO, HARRY.

CULLEY. YEAH.

NO, NO, NO. IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.

Ben: OH, JESUS. IT'S ALL OVER TOWN!

HE PUT IT IN LOW INSTEAD OF REVERSE,

WENT RIGHT THROUGH THE GARAGE WALL

AND ENDED UP IN THE OCEAN.

Ben: TELL THE WORLD!

YEAH, DAMN LUCKY.

NO, NO, IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE RIDICULOUS THINGS.

OH, HERE HE IS NOW.

OH, FELIX, THANK GOD! WE GOT OUR SPEECH.

FELIX, IT'S HARRY.

HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU'RE FEELING.

NO, YOU DIDN'T TRY TO TAKE YOUR LIFE.

YOU HEAR THAT, HARRY?

HE SAID, "I NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE."

AHH!

SORRY.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY CAN

BLOW A THING LIKE THIS ALL OUT OF PROPORTION.

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF POLLY REED GOT HER HANDS ON THIS?

LOOK, WE GOTTA SIT DOWN AND GET OUR STORY STRAIGHT.

LET ME HANDLE IT.

FELIX, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

I WANNA PLAY IT DOWN.

I-I-IT WAS A FREAK ACCIDENT.

DOMESTIC PROBLEMS? NO WAY, NO WAY.

TELL THE STUDIO THE DOCTOR WANTS HIM

TO STAY IN BED FOR A DAY OR TWO.

NO, I SAID I SHOULD STAY IN BED FOR A DAY OR TWO.

HE SHOULD GO OUT, PLAY GOLF, GET SOME EXERCISE.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A BAD COUPLE OF DAYS,

AND YOU LOOK AWFUL, BUT DON'T YOU SEE?

THE SOONER WE GET THIS THING SETTLED,

THE SOONER YOU'LL GET SOME REST.

Culley: NO, HARRY,

I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING TO HIM.

THEY JUST PULLED HIM OUT OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN!

FELIX!

LOOK, EITHER YOU COME OUT HERE

AND TAKE CARE OF IT YOURSELF,

OR BUTT OUT AND LET ME HANDLE IT.

I PROMISE YOU, YOU'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO KNOW.

NOW, TAKE IT EASY, HARRY. GOODBYE.

OOH, THAT'S A NERVOUS JEW.

THIS IS A NERVOUS JEW.

YOU DON'T LOOK NERVOUS.

OH, IF YOU DON'T STOP IT!

DON'T GET SORE. SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE NERVOUS.

CULLEY, YOU GOTTA GO TALK TO HIM.

IN 10 MINUTES, THAT DOORBELL IS GONNA RING,

AND ALL HELL IS GONNA --

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

SEE WHO IT IS, LILA.

OH, BUT DON'T LET THEM IN.

HMM.

I'D LIKE TO SEE FELIX.

FELIX WHO?

FARMER.

THIS IS THE FARMER HOUSE, ISN'T IT?

I'LL HAVE TO ASK. WAIT A MINUTE.

IT'S A WOMAN. GAVE ME THE CREEPS.

DESCRIBE HER.

BLEACHED BLOND, A LOT OF MAKEUP.

OH, IT'S POLLY! IT'S POLLY!

SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO SEE FELIX.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, CULLEY?

[ DOOR CREAKS ]

THE BACK DOOR.

FELIX?

YOO-HOO!

I REMEMBER THIS SCENE IN "THE THING."

THERE WAS THIS HORRIBLE MONSTER

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE --

WILL YOU SHUT UP?!

HI, POLLY. HI.

Irving: AMAZING COINCIDENCE.

I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

OH, WERE YOU REALLY, IRVING?

HELLO, CULLEY, BEN.

I HEAR THAT FELIX TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

YOU HEARD THAT FELIX -- HA HA HA HA HA.

"FELIX TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE."

HA HA HA HA HA! RIDICULOUS!

AAH!

HE FELL ON HER?

THEY'VE TAKEN HER TO THE SANTA MONICA HOSPITAL.

HOW THE HELL COULD HE FALL ON HER?

HE WAS TRYING TO HANG HIMSELF.

HOW IS HE?

HE'S OKAY.

POLLY MIGHT HAVE A FRACTURED PELVIS AND A BROKEN LEG.

HA HA HA HA HA!

[ Laughing ] HE FELL ON HER!

LET'S GET SOMETHIN' TO EAT.

CUTE DOG.

HEH. YEAH.

OKAY, FELIX.

THAT A BOY.

FELIX...

FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS,

I'VE LIVED A LIFE OF DEDICATED DEBAUCHERY.

I'VE CONSUMED ENOUGH BOOZE

TO DESTROY A DOZEN HEALTHY LIVERS.

I'VE FILLED MY LUNGS WITH ENOUGH NICOTINE

TO POISON THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF ORANGE COUNTY.

I'VE INDULGED IN SEXUAL EXCESSES

THAT WOULD MAKE CALIGULA LOOK LIKE A CELIBATE MONK.

I HAVE, IN FACT, CONSCIENTIOUSLY,

DAY IN AND DAY OUT,

FOR MORE YEARS THAN YOU'VE BEEN

IN THIS BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS,

TRIED TO KILL MYSELF,

AND I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE.

SO IF YOU'RE REALLY GONNA END IT ALL,

I CAN SHOW YOU A HALF DOZEN GREAT WAYS TO DO IT.

WHAT DID YOU GIVE HIM?

OH, A PINCH OF THIS, A DASH OF THAT --

SOMETIMES REFERRED TO IN THE TRADE

AS A "SLEEPING BEAUTY BOILERMAKER."

TAKE NO NOTICE IF HE BEGINS TO LEVITATE.

IT'S A COMMON SIDE EFFECT.

Lila: CULLEY!

CULLEY!

YEAH?

I'M STARVED.

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT DINNER?

WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY DO ABOUT DINNER?

EAT.

WELL, WHY SHOULD TONIGHT BE ANY DIFFERENT?

AND WE'RE OUT OF VODKA.

JESUS, IRVING. I JUST OPENED A NEW FIFTH.

THEN IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT I OPEN THE NEXT.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

I'LL GET IT.

HELLO?

YEAH, JUST A MINUTE.

FOR YOU.

THIS IS DR. FINEGARTEN.

WHERE'S CULLEY?

UPSTAIRS.

OH, GOD!

OKAY, PUT HER THROUGH.

CULLEY, I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL.

WATCH THE HOLE. HOW'S POLLY?

BROKEN ARM, FRACTURED PELVIS,

SCREAMIN' HER LUNGS OUT AT EVERYBODY,

REPORTERS ALL OVER THE PLACE -- SHEESH!

FELIX?

FELIX?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?

DR. FINEGARTEN'S MAGIC NEEDLE.

WELL, I'VE SEEN WEEK-OLD CORPSES

THAT LOOK HEALTHIER.

BUT NOT HAPPIER.

FELIX!

BELIEVE ME, MRS. ZUCKERMAN, THERE'S NOTHING SERIOUS.

COME ON, LILA. I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE MARKET.

RIGHT. JUST KEEP TAKING THE MEDICINE.

TOMATO JUICE.

AND LOTS OF WATER.

DOC, DOC.

GOOD. EXCELLENT. AND NO SPICY FOODS.

NO, THAT'S SPICY, MRS. ZUCKERMAN.

IN A COUPLE OF DAYS, IF IT ISN'T BETTER,

YOU DROP IN THE OFFICE.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT. GOODBYE, MRS. ZUCKERMAN.

DR. HERB, I HAVE GOT TO TALK TO FELIX RIGHT NOW.

GO AHEAD AND TALK TO HIM.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I'M IN THE SAME ROOM!

OH, WELL, IF YOU WANT ANSWERS,

YOU BETTER WAIT ABOUT, UH, NINE HOURS.

NINE HOURS?!

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

FARMER RESIDENCE. WHO'S CALLING?

IT'S DAVID BLACKMAN.

SAY HELLO.

UH, THIS IS BEN COOGAN.

MAYBE I COULD HELP MR. BLACKMAN.

JOIN ME IN ONE OF THESE GENTLE LITTLE PINK PILLS?

IT'S DAVID BLACKMAN. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

CHEERS.

UH, YES, SIR. YES, SIR, MR. BLACKMAN.

THIS IS BEN COOGAN. YES, SIR.

LISTEN, BEN, I NEED STRAIGHT INFORMATION.

WE'RE GETTING ALL KINDS OF STORIES HERE.

WELL, RIGHT NOW, HE'S HEAVILY SEDATED, SIR.

UH, DR. IRVING FINEGARTEN.

IF HE DOESN'T REMEMBER ME, MENTION HIS FIRST CLAP.

I'M GONNA KILL YOU ONE DAY!

I DIDN'T GIVE IT TO HIM. I CURED HIM.

YES, SIR. I'M AFRAID SO, SIR.

ALL RIGHT. KEEP IN TOUCH.

Man: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP COLUMNIST

WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED TODAY

WHILE VISITING THE MALIBU HOME OF FILM PRODUCER FELIX FARMER.

ACCORDING TO REPORTS,

MR. FARMER FELL FROM HIS SECOND-STORY BEDROOM

AND LANDED ON MISS REED,

WHO WAS THEN RUSHED TO THE MALIBU HOSPITAL,

WHERE SHE'S REPORTED TO BE IN SATISFACTORY CONDITION...

"SATISFACTORY," SHIT!

FARMER WAS INVOLVED IN A BIZARRE ACCIDENT...

HI!

OHH.

AND SANK INTO THE MALIBU SURF.

[ TELEVISION TURNS OFF ]

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

HOW DO I FEEL?

JESUS, WILLARD!

IN THE 14 YEARS WE'VE BEEN MARRIED,

YOU'VE ASKED SOME PRETTY STUPID QUESTIONS,

BUT HOW DO I FEEL REALLY TAKES THE FRIGGIN' CAKE!

IT'S JUST A HOSPITAL-TYPE QUESTION.

THEN YOU'RE A HOSPITAL-TYPE MORON!

HOW DO I FEEL?! LOOK AT ME!

I FEEL MARVELOUS!

I THOUGHT MAYBE AFTER DINNER, WE'D GO DANCING!

OH, WHERE IS THAT FRIGGIN' NURSE?

I DROPPED BY THE FARMER'S MARKET

AND GOT YOU SOME FUDGE.

I'M SURPRISED IT WASN'T A TRAMPOLINE.

I'M IN A LOT OF PAIN, AND I WANT ANOTHER SHOT.

I'M SORRY, MISS REED,

BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANOTHER SHOT UNTIL 9:00.

THAT'S TWO HOURS!

I'M SORRY, BUT THE DOCTOR --

I'M IN AGONY, AND YOU'RE SORRY?!

YOU GET ON THE PHONE WITH THE DOCTOR RIGHT NOW

AND YOU TELL HIM

I NEED SOMETHING FOR MY PAIN RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE I'M IN AGONY AND --

AAH!!

WHO ARE YOU?

THAT IS THE MARQUIS de SADE,

AND HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT,

BUT YOU'D DAMN WELL BETTER LISTEN

TO WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

YOU DO MORE THAN JUST SEE, MISSY! YOU DO, SEE?!

[ CRYING ]

WILLARD...

I FEEL JUST TERRIBLE.

OHH.

I JUST HATE BEING IN THIS HORRIBLE HOSPITAL.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.

NO, IT WON'T.

SURE, IT WILL.

NO, IT WON'T!

AND YOU'RE NOT MAKING MATTERS ANY BETTER

JUST HANGING AROUND HERE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

I THOUGHT THAT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.

YOU WANNA HELP?

RUN DOWN TO MALIBU. DROP IN ON FELIX.

SEE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

YOU MEAN NOW?

NO, NEXT MONTH. OF COURSE NOW!

MY GOD. A SIMPLE LITTLE FAVOR.

YOU'D THINK I WAS ASKING FOR THE FRIGGIN' MOON.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TELEPHONE YOU

OR DROP BACK BY?

OH, WHATEVER.

CIAO.

[ GROANS ]

CIAO.

OH, WHAT A MORON.

WELL, DO I GET MY SHOT?

OH, YES.

THANK HEAVEN. HURRY UP, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

COME ON, COME ON! JESUS!

AAH!

CULLEY! CULLEY!

CULLEY!

AHH!

I JUST SAW SAM MARSHALL!

WELL, HOW IS HE?

DO YOU KNOW HIM?

MM.

OH, MY GOD! HERE HE COMES!

HEY, CULLEY.

SAM, HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, YOU LIVING ON THE BEACH NOW?

NO, JUST VISITING.

HEY, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU DROP BY THE HOUSE?

I'M HAVING A LITTLE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU, BUT IT'S NOT MINE.

OH? WHOSE IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT'S GOTTA BE SOMEBODY'S, RIGHT?

SO YOU'RE INVITED.

I'D LIKE TO, BUT, UH, HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

YOU KNOW FELIX FARMER, DON'T YOU?

SURE. WE'RE PRACTICALLY NEIGHBORS.

WELL, HE'S KINDA DOWN IN THE DUMPS --

NEEDS CHEERING UP.

LOOK, IF MOHAMMED CAN'T GO TO THE PARTY,

THEN THE PARTY WILL GO TO MOHAMMED.

YOU NEVER KNOW. IT MIGHT BE HIS BIRTHDAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

ARE YOU HAVING PROBLEMS, DARLING?

UH, LILA, SAM. SAM, LILA.

HELLO, LILA.

UHH.

CULLEY!

IT'S NOTHING. SHE'S JUST A BIG FAN.

HELP ME GET HER UP.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH.

COME ON.

OKAY.

SEE YOU ON THE BEACH, HUH?

SURE. SURE.

YOU FEELING BETTER?

[ SIGHS ]

[ WHIMPERS ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I BREED ARMADILLOS.

YOU ENJOY YOUR WORK?

NOT ESPECIALLY,

BUT THE ARMADILLOS SURE GET A KICK OUT OF IT.

IS IT PROFITABLE?

ONLY IN THE SPIRITUAL SENSE.

A WISE MAN ONCE SAID, "MAKE AN ARMADILLO SMILE,

AND THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER."

AT ONE TIME, I CONSIDERED BREEDING OYSTERS,

BUT IT JUST DIDN'T SOUND RIGHT.

"MAKE AN OYSTER SMILE"...

..."AND THE WORLD IS YOUR ARMADILLO."

YOU CAN SEE THE PROBLEM.

MM.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

DRINK THIS FOR ME, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

CULLEY, WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED?

YOUR LINE HAS BEEN BUSY.

I EVEN HAD THE OPERATOR CHECK IT OUT.

I WANT TO TALK TO FELIX RIGHT NOW.

UPSTAIRS, FIRST BEDROOM ON THE LEFT.

WANT A DRINK?

NO, I DON'T WANT A DRINK TILL I TALK TO FELIX.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

CULLEY, WHAT'S HE WANT HERE?

HE JUST WANTS TO TALK TO FELIX.

WELL, WE CAN'T LET HIM TALK TO FELIX.

GO HAVE A SCOTCH AND MAALOX, WILL YOU?

HELLO, WILLARD.

HELLO, CULLEY. HI, BEN.

SAM MARSHALL'S HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY,

AND WE CAN USE SOMEONE OF YOUR GENDER AND WIT.

HOW'S FELIX?

RECOVERING, FORTUNATELY. HOW'S POLLY?

RECOVERING, UNFORTUNATELY.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

DIVE IN, WILL YOU?

OH, GOD. CULLEY!

IT'S FOR YOU.

HI, MR. CULLEY.

GENTLEMEN, COME IN, COME IN.

WE THOUGHT WE'D STOP BY.

GOOD. NOTHING LIKE A UNIFORM TO KEEP AN ORGY ORGANIZED.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

OH, BRIBE YOU, MAYBE, BUT KID YOU, NEVER.

YOUR ATTENTION, EVERYONE.

HEY! HEY!

OFFICERS BUCHWALD AND SUTHERLAND.

THIS A BUST?

OF COURSE. BUT YOU GOT SIX HOURS

TO TRY TO TALK THEM OUT OF IT.

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR SOMEBODY *

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *

[ HOWLS ]

[ HOWLS ]

DID YOU FIND OUT ANYTHING ABOUT SAM MARSHALL?

YEAH. HE'S ASKING A MILLION AGAINST 10% OF THE GROSS,

AND THAT'S DOUBLE WHAT HE GOT ON HIS LAST PICTURE.

HIS LAST PICTURE WAS A BIG HIT.

IT WASN'T THAT BIG.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

OKAY.

LOOK, THIS PICTURE IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO --

DAVID, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, LET'S DON'T.

Woman: TELEPHONE, MR. BLACKMAN.

THANKS.

YEAH?

HE'S UPSTAIRS UNDER HEAVY SEDATION.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, I'M GONNA STICK AROUND FOR A WHILE

IN CASE HE COMES OUT OF IT.

WHAT?

SAM MARSHALL'S HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

WORK ON MARSHALL.

I WANT HIM FOR "KILLING GROUND,"

BUT NOT AT A MILLION AGAINST 10%.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S THE LIMIT?

Half a million against 5%.

ALL RIGHT. GREAT. GREAT.

UH, I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO, OKAY?

[ LAUGHING ]

WHOO!

* TOMORROW MORNING *

* I'M CHANGING MY APPEAL *

* INTO THE FAST LANE *

* INTO THE SUN *

* UNDER THE BRIGHT LIGHTS *

* I PLAY THE... *

* TOMORROW MORNING *

* OH, THE START OF A NEW DAY *

* I FEEL MY SPIRIT WASH OVER ME *

* TOMORROW MORNING... *

[ GRUNTING ]

[ BLOWS ]

[ GAS HISSES ]

[ RINGS ]

HELLO?

IT'S FOR YOU, SAM.

YEAH.

HE GAVE BENSON ORDERS TO WORK ON YOU.

HE ABSOLUTELY WON'T GO FOR A MILLION,

BUT HE WILL SETTLE FOR $750.

UH-HUH.

UH, LOOK, LET ME, UH,

LET ME GIVE YOU A CALL IN THE MORNING.

YEAH, I MISS YOU, TOO.

Bye.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

MMM.

[ KISSING ]

HA HA HA!

WHOO-HOO!

I GOT IT!

WHOO-HOO!

SEX, CULLEY!

THAT'S THE ANSWER!

WE'LL GIVE THEM A $40-MILLION

PORNOGRAPHIC LOVE EPIC!

WHOO-HOO!

HE'S GONE BERSERK.

HE SAYS HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE "NIGHT WIND" THE BIGGEST GROSSER

IN THE HISTORY OF THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS,

AND HE WANTS TO MEET YOU AT THE STUDIO RIGHT NOW.

POLLY WOLLY DOODLE!

FELIX, YOU CAN'T GO TO THE STUDIO.

WHAT WOULD DAVID BLACKMAN SAY?

AHH! DAMN IT!

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?

WHY ARE YOU KISSING ME?

IT COULD BE YOUR ONE CHANCE TO RECOUP ALL THE --

Man: AHH!

OH, MY GOD!

WILLARD.

I'M SO SORRY.

CALL A DOCTOR!

HE'S ON HIS WAY.

I GOTTA GO. I'LL GET HIM.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

WHY ARE YOU GOING?

DON'T GO!

DON'T GO!

WHY ARE YOU GOING?

DON'T PULL ON THE LEG!

OH! DON'T PULL ON MY LEG!

[ BARKING ]

GET THE GODDAMN DOG OUT OF HERE!

TAKE IT EASY, BENNY.

THE PARTY'S OVER.

* LULLABY AND GOOD NIGHT *

[ HUMMING ]

SEE YOU IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

[ DOG BARKING ]

Willard: GET THAT GODDAMN DOG OUT OF HERE!

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]

HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?

NO.

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

IF I TOLD YOU, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME.

FELIX?

WHERE THE HELL IS HE?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE SAID HE WAS GONNA BE HERE.

FELIX?

FELIX.

FELIX.

FELIX?

Felix: * FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY FAY *

* FOR I'M GOIN' TO LOU'SIANA FOR TO SEE MY SUSY ANNA *

* SINGING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

WHAT THE HELL IS --

SHE REMEMBERS THE SONG.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

A CHILDHOOD TRAUMA BURIED DEEP IN HER UNCONSCIOUS.

HER DYING FATHER, HER LYING MOTHER,

THE FINAL PIECE OF THE JIGSAW.

SHE'S EMANCIPATED.

BUT WE BLEW IT! WE DIDN'T GRAB 'EM!

WHY?

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY --

BECAUSE DYING FATHERS AND LYING MOTHERS

ARE A DIME A DOZEN THESE DAYS.

HOME AND FAMILY HAVE BECOME CIVILIZATION'S ANTIQUES,

ALONG WITH THE FLAG, SUNDAY SCHOOL,

GIRL-SCOUT COOKIES, C.B. DE MILLE, AND VIRGINITY.

WE GAVE THEM VIRTUE. THEY WANT VICE.

WE SOLD THEM SCHMALTZ. THEY PREFER SADOMASOCHISM.

INSTEAD OF THE AMERICAN DREAM,

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE AMERICAN WET DREAM!

WE'LL RESHOOT.

WE'LL MAKE FRIGID BUSINESSWOMAN GILLIAN WEST

NYMPHOMANIAC EXECUTIVE.

PACKARD DeHIBBERT, RUGGED MALE CHAUVINIST,

IS REALLY A TRANSVESTITE.

THE DREAM SEQUENCE WILL BECOME EROTIC ORGIES.

FELIX.

IT IS PERFECT!

IT IS A 20th-CENTURY SODOM AND GOMORRAH,

AND IN THE END,

GOD TURNS GILLIAN INTO SALTPETER!

FELIX, FOR GOD'S SAKE --

THINK OF IT, DAVID.

LIKE THE PHOENIX RISING FROM THE ASHES,

"NIGHT WIND" WILL BECOME THE GREATEST MONEYMAKING FILM

IN MOTION PICTURE HISTORY.

TODAY, A $30-MILLION FLOP.

TOMORROW, A $40-MILLION BOX-OFFICE CHAMPION!

$40?

A MONTH TO REWRITE.

ANOTHER $10 MILLION?

MAYBE 11. NO MORE.

YOU EXPECT ME TO PUT UP ANOTHER $11 MILLION

FOR WHAT IS MAYBE THE WORST PIECE OF CRAP

THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN --

CRAP?!

NOW, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO,

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO --

YOU'RE GONNA RECUT "NIGHT WIND"

EXACTLY THE WAY I TELL YOU TO CUT IT.

NEVER!

THEN, BY GOD, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO,

I'LL FIX IT SO YOU NEVER DO ANOTHER PICTURE IN THIS TOWN

AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!

OW! OH, MY GOD!

GET HIM OFF THE LOT!

I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED! YOU ARE A MANIAC!

GO ON. HAVE ME ARRESTED.

I STILL OWN 150,000 SHARES OF CAPITOL FILMS,

AND NEXT MONTH AT THE ANNUAL MEETING,

WE'LL LET THE STOCKHOLDERS DECIDE WHO'S THE MANIAC.

YOU THINK WHEN THE STOCKHOLDERS HEAR

THAT YOU PERSONALLY COST THE COMPANY $30 MILLION --

ME, PERSONALLY?

IT'S YOUR FILM -- A FELIX FARMER PRODUCTION.

AND WHO OKAYED THE SCRIPT AND BUDGET?

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR GOING $12 MILLION OVER BUDGET?

I PUT A GUN TO YOUR HEAD,

AND SAID, "GIVE ME ANOTHER $12 MILLION

OR I'LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT"?

YOU THINK I WANTED TO SPEND THE EXTRA $12 MILLION?

IT'S YOUR FAULT WE FELL BEHIND SCHEDULE!

THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU FIRE ME?

HE DIDN'T FIRE YOU

BECAUSE HE'S A DECENT HUMAN BEING, THAT'S WHY.

FIRE ME, HE'S GOT NO FALL GUY.

FELIX, YOU'RE FINISHED. YOU'RE THROUGH.

CONTRACT OR NO CONTRACT,

I AM GOING TO CUT YOUR PICTURE,

AND YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND SUE.

GO AHEAD.

[ In singsong voice ] CUTTING WON'T HELP.

IF YOU WON'T LET ME RESHOOT IT, SELL IT TO ME.

Blackman: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I'LL BUY "NIGHT WIND." HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT?

Benson: He's crazy.

Blackman: Yeah, but he's got the first nickel he ever made.

YOU SERIOUS?

NAME YOUR PRICE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M TELLING YOU, HE'S NUTS.

HE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HE'S SAYING.

THEN WE GOTTA MAKE SURE THAT WE CASH THE CHECK

BEFORE THEY LOCK HIM UP.

WE GOT $30 MILLION,

PLUS PRINTS, ADVERTISING, AND INTEREST.

I CAN RAISE $20 MILLION.

FORGET IT.

YOU CAN TEAR UP MY CONTRACT --

THREE PICTURES, PAY OR PLAY, PLUS A GROSS PERCENTAGE.

$20 MILLION, YOUR CONTRACT, AND YOUR CAPITOL STOCK.

NO, NO, NO. I'LL ONLY BUY IF I CAN RESHOOT.

MY STOCK WILL JUST ABOUT COVER THAT.

GOOD NIGHT, FELIX.

AND DON'T FORGET TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.

* FARE THEE WELL, FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY FAY *

* FOR I'M GOIN' TO LOU'SIANA FOR TO SEE MY SUSY ANNA -- *

$18 MILLION, CONTRACT, AND STOCK.

16.

GET THE LAWYERS.

WHOO-HOO!

* SINGIN' POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

HA HA HA!

[ WHIMPERS ]

A MAJOR STUDIO EXECUTIVE TOLD ME THIS MORNING

THAT FELIX FARMER PAID CAPITOL STUDIOS $35 MILLION

FOR ALL RIGHTS TO "NIGHT WIND," STARRING HIS WIFE SALLY.

"SMILES," TO HER CLOSE FRIENDS, ISN'T SMILING THIS MORNING,

PROBABLY BECAUSE

UNDER THE CALIFORNIA COMMUNITY-PROPERTY LAW,

HALF OF THAT $35 MILLION IS HERS.

IF FELIX DOESN'T MAKE "NIGHT WIND" A BOX-OFFICE HIT,

POOR SALLY MIGHT NEVER SMILE AGAIN.

THIS IS TAMMY TAYLOR FROM HOLLYWOOD.

[ Mockingly ] THIS IS TAMMY TAYLOR FROM HOLLYWOOD.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH, WILLARD,

AND I'LL SMEAR KRAZY GLUE ON YOUR BEDPAN!

[ HORN HONKS ]

HI.

HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?

SELL IT. ALL RIGHT.

THEN GET ON THE PHONE TO GENEVA AND DUMP THE GOLD.

I HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER $5 MILLION, BILL.

NO. NO.

BILL, THERE'S NO TIME TO DISCUSS.

I HAVE TO BE SHOOTING BY SEPTEMBER 1.

WE'RE IN BUSINESS.

ALL RIGHT. WRITERS, WRITERS.

WHO WROTE "LAST TANGO"?

BEATS ME.

MY GOD, CULLEY.

NEITHER ONE OF US KNOWS WHO WROTE "LAST TANGO."

I HATED IT.

I CAN NEVER REMEMBER THE NAMES OF PEOPLE

THAT PERPETRATE SOMETHING I HATE.

BUT THAT'S THE TROUBLE, DON'T YOU SEE?

I HATED IT, TOO.

IN MY OPINION, A DISCRETIONARY JUDGMENT.

BUT WE'RE WRONG, CULLEY.

THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT. THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT.

IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE

THAT EVERY TIME I THINK I KNOW WHERE IT'S AT,

IT'S USUALLY SOMEWHERE ELSE.

COME ON, OLD SON, YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO

THAT IF WE'RE GONNA STAY IN BUSINESS,

IF WE ARE TO REMAIN FILMMAKERS

IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORD,

WE MUST SHAKE OFF THE RUSTY SHACKLES OF THE PAST,

OBSERVE THE PRESENT FOR WHAT IT IS

AND THE FUTURE FOR WHAT IT WILL BECOME,

LIKE IT OR NOT.

THEN WE MUST MAKE OUR TRADE OF COMMENT.

FELIX, AS FAR AS YOU KNOW, HAVE I EVER LIED TO YOU?

NEVER.

WELL, I HAVE, ONCE OR TWICE --

ABOUT NOTHING THAT WAS TOO IMPORTANT.

BUT NOW THE FACT THAT I HAVE ADMITTED

THAT ON OCCASION I HAVE LIED TO YOU

SHOULD CONVINCE YOU THAT I'M A FAIRLY HONEST MAN,

AND, WHEN IT COMES TO THE CRUNCH,

THAT I CAN HANDLE MYSELF

WITH AN ACCEPTABLE DEGREE OF INTEGRITY.

NOW DO YOU AGREE?

WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT, OLD FRIEND.

YOU THINK I'M CRAZY.

WELL, THAT'S A LITTLE STRAIGHTER THAN I INTENDED.

MAYBE, CULLEY, MAYBE.

HEY, I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF FOUR TIMES --

HARDLY RATIONAL.

$16 MILLION-PLUS FOR A FLOP,

EVERY CENT I HAVE IN THE WORLD --

NOT WHAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD CONSIDER A VERY SANE ACT.

BUT INSANE, CULLEY?

WHAT IF I'M RIGHT?

IF MY VISION IS VALID, CULLEY, NOT SO CRAZY,

A MORE ACCEPTABLE INSANITY.

CULLEY, THAT'S ALL BESIDES THE POINT.

SANE AND MISERABLE OR INSANE

AND BURSTING WITH GREATER JOY AND HAPPINESS --

THAT'S THE POINT, CULLEY.

AND IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS,

WHO SAYS, "HE'S SANE, THEREFORE HE SHOULD,"

OR "HE'S INSANE, THEREFORE HE SHOULDN'T"?

CULLEY, COME ON.

EVEN IF I'M WRONG -- AND I'M NOT --

I'M FULL OF FIRE, CULLEY.

I'M A BLAZING COMET.

COMETS BURN OUT, PAL.

BUT, AH, MY FOES, AND, OH, MY FRIENDS,

IT GIVES A LOVELY LIGHT.

FELIX?

WHOO!

I MUST WARN YOU -- MY HANDS ARE LETHAL WEAPONS.

OH, SO'S YOUR GODDAMN FOUNTAIN PEN!

I'D BETTER BE GOING.

YOU STAY, CULLEY. YOU'RE A WITNESS.

YOU LUNATIC! YOU MANIAC!

$16 MILLION?!

FELIX, HALF OF THAT MONEY IS MINE!

THAT ENTITLES YOU TO 50% OF THE PROFITS!

THAT ENTITLES ME TO HAVE YOU ARRESTED

FOR GRAND THEFT, LARCENY, FRAUD, EMBEZZLEMENT,

YOU THIEVING FILTHY SON OF A BITCH!

SALLY MILES SWEARS!

YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME MY $8 MILLION,

OR SO HELP ME, I'LL HAVE YOU LOCKED UP

FOR THE REST OF YOUR UNNATURAL LIFE!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

GIVE ME MY MONEY, FELIX!

GIVE IT TO ME, OR I WILL KILL YOU!

SALLY MILES KILLS!

[ Angrily ] OH!

OH, SHIT!

SALLY MILES SAYS "SHIT"!

WHOO-HOO!

IT'S $100 MILLION AT THE BOX OFFICE!

$200 MILLION!

HA HA! PETER PAN IS DEAD!

LONG LIVE GILLIAN WEST, NYMPHOMANIAC EXECUTIVE!

HA HA HA HA!

NOT SINCE EDISON, NOT SINCE GRIFFITH,

NOT SINCE JOLSON!

WE'LL MAKE MOTION-PICTURE HISTORY!

AH! A CINEMATIC MONUMENT TO MAN'S IMMORALITY,

A CELLULOID PROPHECY OF THE HOLOCAUST TO COME,

FOR IF GOD SPARED NOT THE ANGELS THAT SINNED,

BUT CAST THEM DOWN TO HELL

AND DELIVERED THEM INTO CHAINS OF DARKNESS

TO RESERVE THEM FOR JUDGMENT, AND SPARED NOT THE OLD WORLD,

BUT SAVED NOAH,

THE EIGHTH PERSON, A PREACHER OF RIGHTEOUSNESS,

BRINGING THE FLOOD UPON THE WORLD OF THE UNGODLY.

[ VOMITING ]

AAH!

OH, GOD!

* OH...I...SNEEZED SO HARD WITH THE WHOOPING COUGH *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* HE SNEEZED HIS HEAD AND TAIL RIGHT OFF *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY FAY *

* FOR I'M OFF TO LOU'SIANA FOR TO SEE MY SUSY ANNA *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL DAY *

* POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL DAY *

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE *

* ALL THE DAY *

* FARE THEE WELL *

I BROKE YOU, AND I CAN MAKE YOU.

IT'S ROTTEN, BUT IT'S A REVELATION.

WE FAIL THAT WE MAY SUCCEED.

NOW, WE KEEP THE BASIC SET.

IT'S STILL A DREAM,

BUT NOW A FREUDIAN NIGHTMARE OF EROTIC SYMBOLISM.

SEDUCED IN A NURSERY, BUT NOT VOLUNTARILY,

NOT THE VICTIM OF HER OWN INSATIABLE LUST,

AS SHE ALWAYS FEARED, BUT THE VICTIM

OF A POWERFUL APHRODISIAC SLIPPED IN HER BOSCO.

NEW LYRICS, BOB, PRURIENT BUT PROFOUND.

FELIX, IT'S NOT THAT EASY.

GINO, NEW CHOREOGRAPHY. THE ANIMALS ARE OUT.

SOMEHOW, I DON'T THINK BESTIALITY MAKES IT MUSICALLY.

BUT, FELIX, IT'S SUCH A DIFFERENT CONCEPT.

A DIFFERENT CONCEPT FOR A DIFFERENT WORLD, GINO.

COSTUMES, AGNES.

AGNES, WHAT ABOUT THE COSTUMES?

WELL, IT DEPENDS.

I MEAN, HOW EROTIC DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GO?

GO, GO. E-R-O-T-I-C. GO, GO, GO!

SALLY MILES, AMERICA'S G-RATED DARLING,

IN THE B-U-F-F?

WHY NOT?

FELIX, DARLING, SOME OF HER FANS

STILL DON'T THINK SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM.

IF YOU WANT TO DRAMATIZE THE EVILS OF PROSTITUTION,

CORRUPT A VIRGIN, NOT A WHORE.

WAIT. JUST LET ME READJUST MY SIGHTS.

15 YEARS OF NUNS' HABITS

AND TURTLENECK BATHING SUITS,

AND NOW -- WHOO?

AGNES, REMEMBER YOUR FIRST ACADEMY AWARD --

GARBO TALKS?

YES, SHE TALKED, BUT SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOM, TOO.

YOU CAN DO IT, AGNES. I KNOW YOU CAN.

AGNES...

OKAY. I CAN DO IT.

THAT'S MY GIRL!

WHAT I DO NOW? KITCHEN NO WORK.

FRIDGE BROKE. WHO FIX THE FRIDGE?

WE GET A FRIDGE FIXER. FIX THE FRIDGE.

THEN WE GET AN EYE AND EAR AND NOSE AND THROAT FIXER

AND HAVE HIM CUT OUT YOUR TONGUE.

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

[ SLAMS DOOR ]

FELIX HAD ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO DO THAT.

GARY SAID IN ANY COURT OF LAW --

SALLY, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO GARY,

HE'S VERY BRIGHT, BUT HE'S YOUR PERSONAL SECRETARY,

NOT YOUR LAWYER.

YOU MEAN FELIX CAN SPEND EVERY SINGLE CENT --

NO. LEGALLY, YOU CAN TAKE HIM TO COURT.

YOU CAN GET AN INJUNCTION FOR YOUR HALF OF THE MONEY,

BUT THE PRESS IS GOING TO HAVE A FIELD DAY.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GO THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

NO, BUT I DON'T WANT TO LOSE $8 MILLION, EITHER.

SALLY, SUPPOSE THE THINGS THAT FELIX WANTS YOU TO DO

MAKE SENSE IN TODAY'S MARKET.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER DOING THE FILM?

YOU MEAN FORGET THE MONEY?

NO, I DON'T MEAN FORGET THE MONEY.

OF COURSE NOT FORGET THE MONEY.

BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THIS DISCUSSION,

WOULD YOU, IF IT WASN'T FOR JUST A CHEAP EFFECT --

WOULD YOU CONSIDER DOING A NUDE SCENE

OR GETTING RAPED

OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS HE WANTS YOU TO DO?

WELL, IF IT WASN'T FOR CHEAP EFFECT...

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU'RE MY AGENT.

WELL, DEAR, IF I THOUGHT IT WAS A REAL BALLSY PART

AND THE AUDIENCE WOULD BELIEVE YOU IN IT,

I CERTAINLY WOULD HAVE TO CONSIDER IT.

BUT YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE

TO PREACH MY AUDIENCE TO ME, AND MY IMAGE.

DARLING, I'M THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD

WHO WOULD WANT TO MONKEY AROUND WITH YOUR IMAGE.

BUT IF I WAS CERTAIN --

IF I WAS ABSOLUTELY DEAD POSITIVE --

THAT YOU COULDN'T MISS,

AND INCIDENTALLY, TURN A FLOP INTO A SUCCESS --

SALLY, CREATIVE JUDGMENTS ARE NOT MY DEPARTMENT,

BUT I THINK YOU'VE GOT

A FEW VERY IMPORTANT THINGS TO CONSIDER

BEFORE YOU JUMP INTO AN $8-MILLION LAWSUIT.

Sally: NOW, LET ME SEE IF I CAN GET THIS STRAIGHT.

I CAN SUE, BUT AT BEST, IT WOULD BE EXPENSIVE,

IT WOULD CAUSE A LOT OF BAD PUBLICITY,

AND THERE'S MORE THAN A LITTLE CHANCE

THAT I WOULD LOSE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I CAN DO THE FILM,

AND PLEASE, GOD, FELIX IS RIGHT

AND IT'S A SUCCESS,

THEN I WOULD GET MY $8 MILLION BACK

PLUS HALF THE PROFITS.

THAT'S THE LEAST YOU WOULD GET.

OH, I THINK WE CAN GUARANTEE YOU

A DEAL BETTER THAN THAT.

LET'S SAY 100% OF THE PROFITS.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL IS FELIX GONNA DO?

[ SIGHS ]

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THIS.

LOOK, YOU JUST GO AHEAD

AND MAKE THE BEST DEAL YOU POSSIBLY CAN, OKAY?

THEN YOU'LL DO THE PICTURE?

WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE?

I'LL GET THE CAR.

ALL RIGHT, CLIVE.

YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY SURPRISED

THAT MISS MILES DECIDED NOT TO SUE.

I WAS TALKING TO A LAWYER FRIEND OF MINE

THE OTHER NIGHT,

AND HE THOUGHT MISS MILES HAD AN EXCELLENT CASE.

SHE'D HAVE NO TROUBLE AT ALL

IF SHE DECIDED TO SUE MR. FARMER.

OKAY. WHY DON'T YOU SUGGEST TO MISS MILES

THAT SHE DISCHARGE ME

AND GET YOUR FRIEND TO REPRESENT HER?

HE ALSO MENTIONED

THAT YOUR FIRM REPRESENTS CAPITOL FILMS.

THAT MUST MAKE IT VERY HARD

FOR YOU TO REMAIN IMPARTIAL.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING

THAT I MIGHT BE INCLINED TO FAVOR CAPITOL'S INTERESTS?

YES.

UH, HERB.

GARY. IT IS GARY, ISN'T IT?

YES, YES.

UH, TELL ME.

HAVE YOU SUGGESTED ANY OF THESE THINGS TO SALLY?

NOT YET. I WANTED TO KNOW

WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY ABOUT IT.

OH. WELL, WHAT IF I SAID, GARY, THAT I THOUGHT

YOU WERE MUCH TOO BRIGHT A YOUNG MAN

TO JUST BE A PERSONAL SECRETARY?

I'D SAY I AGREE WITH YOU.

I THINK YOU'D MAKE A HELL OF AN AGENT.

I THINK I'D MAKE A BETTER PRODUCER.

NOW, I'M GIVING A LITTLE PARTY FRIDAY NIGHT.

DAVID BLACKMAN WILL BE THERE.

OH, I'D ENJOY MEETING MR. BLACKMAN.

I'M SURE YOU WOULD. ALL RIGHT. 8:00.

DRESS CASUAL.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

MR. BLACKMAN'S OFFICE.

Man: Give me Blackman!

YES. ONE MINUTE, PLEASE.

[ BUZZES ]

YEAH.

Woman: Overseas from Mr. Metzig.

HELLO, J.G.?

YES, J.G.

YES, I'VE SEEN IT.

The Newsweek article.

YEAH. YES, J.G.

YES, IT IS GETTING A LOT OF PUBLICITY.

WELL, WHY SHOULD I GET INTO IT?

IT'S NOT OUR PICTURE ANYMORE.

NO, I TOLD YOU. OUTRIGHT. EVERYTHING.

YOU APPROVED IT.

MY GOD. THAT ILLITERATE ASSHOLE

THINKS IF SALLY MILES DOES A NUDE SCENE,

"NIGHT WIND" COULD BE A HIT.

HE SAYS WE SHOULD AT LEAST

MAKE A DISTRIBUTION DEAL WITH FELIX.

YEAH.

WHAT IF HE'S ALREADY MADE A DEAL

WITH ANOTHER COMPANY?

RIGHT.

I WANT TO GET A LOOK AT THAT NEW SCRIPT.

IT'S NOT GOING TO BE EASY.

JUST GET IT, ALL RIGHT? WHEN HE STARTS SHOOTING,

I WANT YOU ON THAT SOUND STAGE.

WHAT IF IT'S A CLOSED SET?

I TOLD YOU I JUST WANT SOMETHING DONE!

DONE!

JUST GET ON THAT SET AND GIVE ME A REPORT.

I MAY WANT TO LOOK AT HIS DAILIES, OKAY?

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

[ BARKING ]

COME ON. IT'S OKAY.

ANYBODY GOT A BLANKET?

Man: HEY, THAT'S A GOOD BLANKET.

HEY, YOU WRECK THAT BLANKET, YOU'RE GONNA BUY ME A NEW ONE.

[ BARKING AND WHINING ]

Taylor: BURGESS WEBSTER IS BEST REMEMBERED

FOR HIS OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE AS UNCLE FUDD

IN "MISSISSIPPI MUD."

THIS MORNING ON STAGE 15 AT CAPITOL STUDIO,

THE ENTIRE COMPANY

OF FELIX FARMER'S CONTROVERSIAL NEW FILM,

"NIGHT WIND,"

OBSERVED A MINUTE OF SILENCE IN MEMORY OF THE FAMOUS ACTOR.

SPEAKING OF "NIGHT WIND," RUMOR HAS IT THAT TODAY,

MOVIE HISTORY WILL BE MADE WHEN SALLY MILES,

THE SILVER SCREEN'S SYMBOL OF SWEETNESS, SINLESSNESS,

AND SOBRIETY, PROVES ONCE AND FOR ALL

THAT PETER PAN REALLY IS A GIRL.

YES, SIR, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

AMERICA'S G-RATED SWEETHEART IN AN X-RATED NUDE SCENE.

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY FAY *

[ WHISTLING ]

[ DRUM PLAYING ]

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

NO!

CUT IT.

YOU CALL THAT FAST? IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL FAST?

GET THE LEAD OUT, I SAY.

JESUS!

I COULD HAVE MADE BETTER TIME IN A COVERED WAGON!

$10 A MILE, YOU CAN'T EVEN USE THE SIREN!

I'M TELLING YOU, IF I'M LATE FOR THIS,

I'M GONNA HAVE A FEW THINGS TO SAY

ABOUT YOUR ROTTEN SERVICE IN MY NEXT COLUMN!

COME ON, LET'S GO! COME ON!

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN'?

WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO LOURDES.

WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING?

YOU GOTTA HAVE A PASS.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

YEAH. YOU'RE SOMEBODY WHO'S MAKIN' A BIG MISTAKE

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET ON THIS STAGE

WITHOUT A PASS.

IT'S NO USE. I CAN'T DO IT.

I THOUGHT I COULD, BUT I JUST CANNOT.

Culley: SALLY --

NO, CULLEY.

SWEETHEART, WILL YOU PLEASE --

NO, FELIX. NO, NO, NO.

THERE IS NO WAY IN GOD'S EARTH

THAT I AM GONNA BARE MY -- HA! --

OUT THERE ON THAT STAGE.

I THOUGHT I COULD.

YOU CAN, YOU CAN.

MY MIND SAYS YES, BUT MY BODY SAYS NO.

I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO THE FILM.

I KNOW IT MEANS THAT I'M NOT BEING A TROUPER

AND THINGS LIKE THAT, BUT IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS.

I'M HELPLESS.

SALLY, WE'LL CLEAR EVERYBODY OFF THE SOUND STAGE.

WE'LL SET THE LIGHTS, TURN THE CAMERA,

EVERYBODY WILL LEAVE.

WHAT ABOUT THE GUY IN THE JACK-IN-THE-BOX?

WE'LL BLINDFOLD HIM! NOBODY WILL SEE.

MY PUBLIC WILL SEE! MY CHILDREN WILL SEE!

IT WILL BE R-RATED.

THEY WON'T EVEN LET THEM IN!

BUT THEY'LL KNOW! DON'T YOU CARE IF THEY KNOW?

GOD, FELIX, THEY'RE YOUR CHILDREN, TOO.

SOPHIA LOREN HAS CHILDREN.

I HEAR SHE'S A WONDERFUL MOTHER.

SHE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT HER CHILDREN,

AND GOD KNOWS THE PUBLIC HAS SEEN HER --

OH, I KNOW.

GLENDA JACKSON.

A FANTASTIC MOTHER.

VANESSA REDGRAVE.

YOU'LL NEVER FIND A BETTER MOTHER.

SOMEBODY WHO'S NOT ENGLISH.

Ben: JANE FONDA. SHIRLEY MacLAINE.

LIV ULLMANN! LIV ULLMANN!

LIV ULLMANN?

I THINK SO.

LIV ULLMANN.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING IN THIS CONTRACT --

I WANT TO KNOW WHERE WE STAND LEGALLY.

HE CAN'T HIRE OUTSIDE SECURITY,

BUT HE CAN CLOSE THE STAGE.

HE MUST AT ALL TIMES COMPLY WITH THE EXISTING --

WAIT A MINUTE!

[ HORN HONKS ]

MORNING, RICHARD.

HOW'S THE OLD PROSTATE?

OH, GOD. WAIT A MINUTE. SHIT.

DON'T YOU MOVE ME, YOU CLODS!

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME,

YOU PENNY-ANTE, PEA-BRAIN, JUNIOR G-MAN.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU,

YOU BETTER GET ON THAT PHONE AND TELL MR. BIG SHOT FARMER

THAT I SAID HE BETTER LET ME ON THAT STAGE

OR I'LL CRUCIFY HIM IN 150 NEWSPAPERS

EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF HIS USELESS LIFE!

HELLO, POLLY.

IRVING!

YOU LOOK LIKE AN ANEMIC TURTLE.

YOU'RE GONNA LET THAT SHYSTER ON?!

I COULD SUE YOU FOR CALLING ME THAT, POLLY.

A SHYSTER IS A DISREPUTABLE LAWYER.

I'M A QUACK.

YOU BETTER TELL FELIX I'M OUT HERE!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

DAVID! DAVID.

THIS MANIAC INSULTED ME

AND PHYSICALLY PREVENTED ME

FROM GOING THROUGH THAT DOOR.

OKAY. I'M DAVID BLACKMAN.

I RUN THIS STUDIO,

AND I'M ORDERING YOU OFF THE LOT.

NOW, ARE YOU GONNA MOVE, OR AM I GONNA MOVE YOU?

YOU'D BE MAKING A SERIOUS MISTAKE,

MR. BLACKMAN.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

HARRIGAN, HAROLD P.

ALL RIGHT, MR. HARRIGAN, HAROLD B.,

I'M GOING TO REMEMBER YOU.

I'M GOING BACK TO MY OFFICE.

IF YOU'RE NOT OFF THIS LOT BY THE TIME I GET THERE,

YOU'LL NEVER WORK AGAIN IN THIS TOWN

AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!

DAVID, DAVID! WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

JUST RELAX, POLLY. DON'T GO ANYWHERE.

I'LL BE BACK.

[ LAUGHING ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT, HUH?

THAT'S YOUR ASS!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

AAH!

DICK, WHAT ARE YOU FOOLING AROUND FOR?

GET HIM OFF THE STREET.

OW!

OH, THAT STINGS!

IT TAKES APPROXIMATELY 25 SECONDS

FOR A SHOT TO TRAVEL FROM STERN TO STEM.

OF COURSE, THE TIME CAN VARY TWO OR THREE SECONDS

ACCORDING TO THE HEART RATE, HEIGHT OF THE PATIENT,

AND THE AMOUNT OF GLUTEAL MUSCLE

INTO WHICH IT WAS INJECTED.

ALSO, THERE'S THE MATTER OF DRUG POTENCY

TO BE CONSIDERED.

YOU SHOULD BE FEELING IT ABOUT, UH, NOW.

OH?

UNH-UNH.

MM-HMM.

AHH.

I SUGGEST YOU SIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR SEA LEGS.

CAN SHE WORK?

IS BATMAN A TRANSVESTITE? WHO KNOWS?

I WAS SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED TO ALLEVIATE HER ANXIETY.

WORK WAS NEVER MENTIONED.

IRVING, SHE'S GOT A VERY BIG SCENE TO DO!

[ LAUGHING ]

I'M GONNA SHOW MY BOOBIES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, IRVING?

YOU'VE SEEN MY BOOBIES. ARE THEY WORTH SHOWING?

WELL, SINCE I CAN ONLY RENDER AN EVALUATION

BASED ON A COMPLETELY IMPERSONAL,

PURELY PROFESSIONAL EXAMINATION OF THE SUBJECT --

UH, SUBJECTS -- I WOULD HAVE TO SAY

THAT IN MY HUMBLE OPINION,

YOU'VE GOT A TERRIFIC PAIR OF KNOCKERS.

HEY!

WELL...LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

SET THEM UP! CLEAR THE STAGE!

NO, NO, NO.

YOU DON'T MIND?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH! EASY, GAL, EASY.

OH, YOU'VE GOT SOME FAST MOVES

FOR AN OLD JOHN, CULLEY.

YOU OKAY?

TERRIFIC.

YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SEXUALLY NOTORIOUS.

SEMIFRAUDULENT REPUTATION,

WHICH I DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO ENCOURAGE.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST WAY FOR AN OLD MAN TO COMPETE

IN A YOUNG MAN'S WORLD.

HEY, TERRIFIC. HANG IN THERE, CULLEY.

MICKEY. GET THEM READY.

HI, MICKEY.

HI.

I CERTAINLY AM, RIGHT?

YOU CERTAINLY ARE.

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY FAY *

* OH, I WENT TO -- *

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

TERRIFIC.

* SING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE *

* ALL THE DAY *

OOH.

IS SHE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT?

WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU MEAN BY "ALL RIGHT."

I ONCE CURED AN AMATEUR SKYDIVER OF ACROPHOBIA.

NOW, YOU COULD SAY HE WAS ALL RIGHT

BECAUSE HE WAS ABLE TO JUMP.

BUT HE WAS NOT ALL RIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS SO STONED,

HE NEGLECTED TO OPEN HIS PARACHUTE.

YOU KNOW, IRVING, YOU'RE A REAL TWAT.

OH, THAT REMINDS ME. POLLY'S OUTSIDE.

POLLY?

REED.

OUTSIDE?

TRYING TO GET INSIDE.

OH, MY GOD.

* THERE ARE ONLY FIVE BULLETS *

* IN MY OLD SIX-SHOOTER *

* 'CAUSE I HAD TO SAY GOODBYE *

* TO MONA *

SALLY, WE'LL PICK IT UP WHERE YOU ENTER

THE DEVIL'S MOUTH, OKAY?

OKAY.

DON'T BLAME THE GUARD. HE WAS JUST DOING HIS JOB.

I LEFT EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS --

NOBODY TO PASS WITHOUT A PASS.

DID YOU LEAVE EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS

THAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO INSULT ME?!

POLLY, THERE'S A RED LIGHT ON.

THERE'S A RED LIGHT.

I CAN'T SEE. PICK ME UP.

GENTLY, GENTLY.

* SINGING POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL -- *

Polly: SALLY!

Man: QUIET!

OH, HI, POLLY. COME TO SEE MY BOOBIES?

OKAY, YOU DIRTY RAT. ROLL THEM.

ALL RIGHT. QUIET NOW ON A BELL.

[ BELL RINGS ]

AND...ROLL, PLEASE.

SPEED.

PLAYBACK.

[ SEEDY MUSIC PLAYING ]

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

OH!

Man: ATTA GIRL, SALLY!

BRAVO!

[ MEN WHISTLING ]

BRAVA!

AAH!

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

HELLO?

Man: Let me talk to David.

IT'S FOR YOU.

This is J.G. I'm still waiting.

YEAH.

YES, J.G. I WAS JUST GOING TO CALL YOU --

YES, J.G., WE'RE WORKING ON IT.

WELL, PLEASE, JUST RELAX.

WE'RE GOING TO GET IT.

I PROMISE YOU, WE'RE GOING TO GET IT,

AND WE'RE GOING TO GET IT

BEFORE THE STOCKHOLDERS' MEETING.

YES. I GUARANTEE IT.

RIGHT.

HOW'S THE WEATHER? GREAT.

ENJOY.

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF ONE OF THE BIGGEST

GROCERY CHAINS IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY,

AND ALL HE CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE MOVIES.

DRIVING ME CRAZY. HELLO, EVA?

Got anything?

YES, GARY TALKED TO HER.

When was the last time you talked to Gary?

WELL, I TALKED TO HIM TUESDAY.

IS SHE GOING TO SIGN OR ISN'T SHE?

'CAUSE IF SHE DOESN'T, IT'S MY ASS.

DA-- PFFFTT!

DAVID, STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT.

YES, SWEETIE, I PROMISE YOU.

I PROMISE YOU THAT SHE'S GOING TO DO IT.

YES, DARLING.

BYE, SWEETIE.

SNAKE.

CHINESE NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY GO SAN FRANCISCO.

NOT EVERYBODY, KIDDO.

I NO GO SAN FRANCISCO.

MISSY FARMER NO GO SAN FRANCISCO.

YOU NO GO SAN FRANCISCO.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

BECAUSE MISSY FARMER HAVE A PARTY FRIDAY NIGHT.

FRIDAY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

HELLO?

I CHINESE!

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY.

DANNY KAYE COOKS BETTER CHINESE FOOD THAN YOU DO.

YOU DON'T EVEN PLAY PING-PONG.

YOU PROBABLY HAD YOUR EYES FIXED.

KUNG FU'S GALLOPING GOURMET IS OFF HIS LITCHI NUT AGAIN.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU,

SOMETHING LIKE THIS CANNOT BE RUSHED.

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

IF I SWING IT, SHE'LL PROBABLY CALL YOU HERSELF.

THANKS, GARY.

WHAT?

YOU LOOK A LITTLE TIRED.

I SUPPOSE I AM, A BIT.

THE STUDIO CALLED.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE IN MAKEUP UNTIL 10:00.

GOOD.

I HAVE BEEN WORKING RATHER HARD.

NOT TO MENTION THE EMOTIONAL STRAIN.

WELL, FELIX SAYS

THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

MM-HMM.

WELL, I HOPE HE'S RIGHT, FOR YOUR SAKE.

YOU DON'T THINK HE'S RIGHT, DO YOU?

IF IT WERE YOUR FILM...

ALL YOUR MONEY...

WOULD YOU DO IT ALL YOURSELF?

I MEAN, DISTRIBUTE IT AND ADVERTISE IT --

THE WHOLE THING?

NO.

WHY NOT?

WELL, BECAUSE I'M, BY NATURE,

A VERY CAUTIOUS PERSON.

I'D WANT ABSOLUTELY THE BEST PROTECTION

I COULD GET FOR MY MONEY,

ESPECIALLY IF IT WERE ALL MY MONEY.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I'D DO FOR SURE.

I'D TRY AND GET GOOD ADVICE.

I'D PICK UP THE PHONE

AND I'D CALL SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS THE BUSINESS,

SOMEBODY I CAN TRUST,

LIKE YOUR AGENT.

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ]

YOU'RE LATE.

I WASN'T SURE.

BUT YOU CAME.

AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH,

YOU STILL WANT ME?

NOT BAD, FELIX.

WHAT -- OUT!

OUT! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN HERE!

NOBODY SEES MY MOVIE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

YOUR MOVIE, FELIX?

MY MOVIE, EVERY FRAME, IN AN IRONBOUND CONTRACT

THAT PROVES IT, WHICH VERY CLEARLY STATES

I HAVE ABSOLUTE, COMPLETE CONTROL.

AN HOUR AGO,

YOUR WIFE SIGNED A DISTRIBUTION CONTRACT.

DISTRIBUTION CONTRACT FOR WHAT?

"NIGHT WIND."

WHEN I NEED YOUR HELP, CULLEY...

MY WIFE? CULLEY!

MY WIFE CAN'T SIGN ANYTHING.

ACCORDING TO A SUPERIOR COURT JUDGE, SHE CAN.

SHE HAS A RIGHT TO PROTECT HER INVESTMENT,

PARTICULARLY SINCE SHE DIDN'T AGREE TO THE INVESTMENT.

YOU'RE GETTING OFF EASY.

IF SHE WANTED TO,

SHE COULD HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR EMBEZZLEMENT.

AAH!

THERE'S JUDAS!!

OW!

GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

PACK UP HIS OFFICE AND GET HIM OFF THIS LOT.

YOU'VE GOT ONE HOUR TO DO IT!

DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK, DAVID.

Felix: THEY STOLE MY FILM!

HE BROKE MY FUCKIN' NOSE.

I'M GONNA SUE THE BASTARD.

GET HIS NOSE TO A DOCTOR.

CALL THE LAB AND DON'T LET THAT LUNATIC

WITHIN A MILE OF THAT NEGATIVE!

HAVE YOU GOT A HANDKERCHIEF?

YES.

YOU'RE THE CUTTER?

YES, SIR. RALPH HIMMLER.

WHAT'S THE RUNNING TIME, RALPH?

163 MINUTES.

THAT'S TOO LONG.

OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT

AND WHAT WE CAN LOSE.

THEY STOLE MY FILM!

THEY STOLE!

YOU PHILISTINES!

DON'T GO OFF HALF-COCKED!

YOU STOLE MY FILM!

FELIX!

I'LL STEAL YOUR CAR.

FELIX, SEE A LAWYER, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

SHIT!

[ HORN HONKS ]

[ SIREN WAILING ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

10 MARY 28, IN PURSUIT OF A BLACK CLINNAY,

PERSONALIZED PLATE, "CAP EXEC."

NO!

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

JEZEBEL!

WHERE IS SHE?

RANGOON, DADDY, DADDY!MR. FARMER.

RANGOON?

HANDS UP.

RANGOON?!

JOHN-JOHN, GIMME THAT.

WHICH RANGOON?

SHE'S GONE SEE A SWAMI OR SOMETHIN'.

GIVE ME THAT.

SHE'S GONNA NEED MORE THAN A SWAMI!

DON'T SHOOT!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

Man: STOP!

HOLD IT!

HOLD IT! HE HIT MY MOTORCYCLE!

LET'S GO.

6L41, ADVISE ALL UNITS.

POSSIBLE SUSPECT FROM BLACK CLINNAY

NOW DRIVING WHITE ROLLS-ROYCE.

HEY!

TA-DA.

[ Humming fanfare ] * DA DA DA DA DA *

IT'S ME. HARRIGAN, HAROLD P.

OH, HARRIGAN, HARRIGAN, YES.

I JUST STARTED HERE TODAY,

THANKS TO MR. CULLEY'S RECOMMENDATION.

CULLEY.

GOOD OLD CULLEY.

SOMETHIN' WRONG, MR. FARMER?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M JUST LATE FOR A VERY IMPORTANT DATE.

OH, LIKE ALICE IN WONDERLAND.

WHAT?

THE MARCH HARE.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, HARRY.

AH, MR. FARMER.

THE STUDIO JUST CALLED, AND I'M AFRAI-I-I--

I'M A DESPERATE MAN, MR. LIPSCHITZ.

IF EVERY REEL OF MY NEGATIVE

IS NOT IN THIS OFFICE IN 10 MINUTES,

I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT.

PLEASE, MR. FARMER, DON'T SHOOT.

JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU AND NOBODY GETS HURT.

HARRIGAN, JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

GET OUT OF THE WAY. HE'S CRAZY.

I'LL SHOOT, HARRIGAN.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, HARRIGAN, GET OUT OF THE WAY!

MR. FARMER, GIVE ME THAT GUN.

I'M GONNA SHOOT!!

HE'S GONNA SHOOT!

YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

YES, I DO!!

YES, HE DOES. YOU'RE FIRED, HARRIGAN.

COME ON.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

THAT'S MY FILM!

IT'S HIS FILM!

THEY TOOK AWAY MY FILM!

THEY TOOK AWAY HIS FILM!!

AAH!

I'M SORRY, MR. FARMER.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, HARRIGAN.

THIS COULD MEAN ANOTHER $10 MILLION

AT THE BOX OFFICE.

Frank Sinatra: * WHEN SOMEBODY LOVES YOU *

* IT'S NO GOOD UNLESS SHE LOVES YOU... *

GRAZIE, SIGNORE.

WHAT DID YOU PLAY?

SINATRA -- $6 WORTH OF SINATRA.

BULLSHIT.

BULLSHIT?

BULLSHIT!

I MEAN, S.O.B.

STANDARD OPERATIONAL BULLSHIT.

THEY KILL THE POOR SWEET SON OF A BITCH,

AND THEN THEY GIVE HIM A SEND-OFF

LIKE HE'S SOME KIND OF A SAINT.

AND SHE'S GONNA SING, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

SHE KNIFES HIM IN THE BACK,

AND THEN SHE'S GONNA SING TO HIM?

IT'S BULLSHIT, CULLEY.

PROBABLY.

WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY.

NO, I GUESS IT'S NOT.

WELL, MAYBE IT SHOULD BE.

YOU WANT TO STEP OUTSIDE?

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

CULLEY.

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING BETWEEN US.

WELL, MAYBE, BUT YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN.

CULLEY, HOW ABOUT IT? YOU WANT TO STEP OUTSIDE?

NOPE.

COME ON. I WANT TO FIGHT YOU.

WHAT FOR? YOU KNOW I CAN LICK YOU.

WELL, RIGHT, THAT'S WHY.

I'M SO DAMN ASHAMED

OF SO MANY THINGS I'VE DONE

AND I DIDN'T DO AND I SHOULD HAVE

AND I DIDN'T AND I DID 'EM ANYWAY.

DARLING --

I WANT CULLEY TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME

SO I CAN FEEL BETTER.

BUT BROTHER SINNER,

EVEN THOUGH I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND

YOUR NEED FOR PURGATION --

DO YOU? I MEAN, DO YOU REALLY?

THERE ISN'T A MAN AMONG US WITH HALF A CONSCIENCE

WHO DOESN'T KEEP A HAIR SHIRT

AS A PERMANENT PART OF HIS WARDROBE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL...

CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT TO HIM, CULLEY?

IT'S NOT EASY.

THERE ARE SO FEW PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN

WITH A CONSCIENCE.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.

I GOT A POSTCARD FROM LILA AND BABS.

I AM NOT GOING TO THAT BULLSHIT FUNERAL.

IT'S HYCOP--

HYPOCRITICAL.

WELL, IT'S BULLSHIT! HUH?

WHAT IS YOUR DISPOSITION REGARDING THE FUNERAL,

BROTHER CULLEY?

I VOTE WITH BROTHER BEN.

SO WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE?

WE DON'T GO.

AH, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

FELIX DESERVES BETTER THAN THEY'RE GONNA GIVE HIM,

AND IT'S UP TO US TO SEE THAT HE GETS IT.

THEREFORE, I PROPOSE THAT WE GIVE HIM

THE UNDECEITFUL, OPENHEARTED LAST HONORS

WHICH ARE HIS DUE.

L'CHAIM.

WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

YOU STAY IN THE CAR.

WHO STAY IN THE CAR?

HIM STAY IN THE CAR.

I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN THE CAR.

WE'VE GOT TO BE SLY AND STEALTHY,

AND YOU'RE TOO PISSED!

I CAN BE JUST AS TY AND SLEALTHY AS YOU CAN!

IT'S RISE OR FALL TOGETHER, CULLEY.

IT'S THE THREE MUSCATELS.

LET'S GO.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.

YOU CAN ALWAYS DO THAT.

I GOTTA --

HOW ARE WE GONNA GET IN?

WE'LL KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND TELL THEM YOU'RE DEAD.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

WHAT IF THERE'S A BURGLAR ALARM?

BEN, STAND GUARD, WILL YOU?

Man: SHE WAS ACCOMPANIED

BY PROFESSOR KRISHNA MANSAK HASARI,

AND WHEN QUESTIONED BY REPORTERS,

THE ACTRESS REFUSED TO COMMENT ON HER HUSBAND'S TRAGIC DEATH.

SERVICES FOR FELIX FARMER ARE SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW

ON STAGE 15 AT CAPITOL STUDIOS.

A FAMILY SPOKESMAN SAID TODAY

THAT A RECORD TURNOUT IS EXPECTED

TO PAY FINAL TRIBUTE TO THE LATE PRODUCER

WHO WAS SHOT BY POLICE

WHILE HE WAS TRYING TO STEAL THE NEGATIVES

FROM THE CONTROVERSIAL FILM "NIGHT WIND" ON TUESDAY.

IT IS IRONIC...

AHH!

Ben, come on.

Come on.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

AAH!

Culley.

BURGESS WEBSTER.

YOU'D THINK AFTER ALL THAT TIME ON A BEACH,

HE'D HAVE A LITTLE MORE COLOR.

DAMN GOOD ACTOR.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR.

FELIX GETS STAGE 15,

BURGESS WINDS UP IN POTTER'S FIELD.

AT LEAST THEY OUGHT TO GIVE HIM

ADDITIONAL DYING CREDITS.

YOU'VE GOT A WICKED WITTY MOUTH.

BETTER TO KISS YOUR FUNNY BONE WITH.

BINGO.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE.

WHY DON'T WE PUT BURGESS IN FELIX'S BOX?

OH, BRILLIANT! CULLEY, WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER,

I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO MARRY ME.

I'D CHEAT ON YOU.

JUST SO LONG AS YOU DON'T TELL ANYBODY.

BEN!

[ TRICKLING NOISE ]

[ GROANING ]

BEN!

WHAT IS THAT?

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE LEFT A FAUCET RUNNING.

I'M PEEING.

INTO WHAT?

MY PANTS!

WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT OBLIGED

TO HIT ANYTHING,

PEE YOUR WAY OVER HERE AND GIVE US A HAND.

I'M GONNA GO WAIT IN THE CAR.

JUST HANG ONTO FELIX

UNTIL WE GET BURGESS STRAIGHTENED OUT.

YOU GOT HIM?

YEAH. HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY SHOES ON!

HE'S THROUGH WALKING.

[ GRUNTING ]

IN ORDER TO MAKE THIS THING WORK,

WE HAVE TO GET SOMEBODY ELSE INTO BURGESS' BOX.

GENIUS. HOPEFULLY, THEY'LL BE SO BUSY

TRYING TO LOCATE THE MISSING STIFF,

THEY WON'T NOTICE THE OLD SWITCHEROO.

ARE YOU STILL PEEING?

NO, BUT NOW I'VE GOTTA --

CLENCH.

DRAW UP.

THINK ABOUT BEING SODOMIZED BY A BULL ELEPHANT.

YOU GET THE HEAD THIS TIME.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR THE DEAD?!

Shh! Shh.

WE CAN RAISE OUR RATES AFTER THIS ONE.

MM-HMM.

WE'LL BRING OUT A WHOLE NEW CATALOG.

AND WE'LL USE THE FARMER FUNERAL

AS A CENTERFOLD.

DONE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

READY?

YEAH.

GET THE DOOR, BEN.

[ GROANS ]

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I GOT STOMACH CRAMPS.

GAS.

[ GROANS, FARTS ]

GET THE DOOR, BEN.

AND THE SEAT. GET THE SEAT.

IN YOU GO, BABY.

HE WON'T BEND.

HE'LL BEND, HE'LL BEND. YOU JUST GOTTA FORCE HIM.

LOOK, I'LL PUSH DOWN. YOU PULL ON HIS ANKLES.

COME ON, PULL, BEN. THAT'S IT.

OH, BOY.

HE'D BE LESS CONSPICUOUS IF HIS EYES WERE OPEN.

HE'D BE LESS CONSPICUOUS

IF HE WAS BACK IN HIS BOX.

HEY.

SHE LEFT SOME GLASSES.

Irving: OH HO HO. GENIUS.

Ben: OH, MY GOD.

ALL RIGHT. GET IN THE BACK WITH HIM.

WHY ME?

BECAUSE YOU SMELL LIKE A BOILER-ROOM URINAL,

AND FELIX IS THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T MIND.

AND IT WILL LOOK BETTER IF HE HAS COMPANY.

IT WOULD BE INCOMMODIOUS

IF WE GOT STOPPED FOR A TRAFFIC VIOLATION.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

[ ENGINE STALLS ]

[ ENGINE SPUTTERING ]

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG, CULLEY?

HOW DO I KNOW?

[ SIREN WAILS ]

AHH!

OH, MAN. BEN, BEN.

CULLEY.

BEN.

BEN, BEN.

PUT YOUR ARM AROUND HIM.

Culley: IT STALLED. HAPPENS OCCASIONALLY.

ACT NONCHALANT.

TALK TO HIM. TALK TO HIM.

READ ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY?

NOD HIS HEAD.

I THINK IT'S FLOODED.

IT WILL HAVE TO SIT FOR A MINUTE.

OKAY. LET'S GO.

HOW'S YOUR HEART?

"NOD HIS HEAD." I COULD --

YOU HAD TO DO SOMETHING.

I DID DO SOMETHING. I SHIT MY PANTS.

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY FAY *

* FOR I'M GOIN' TO LOU'SIANA FOR TO SEE MY SUSY ANNA *

* SINGIN' POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL *

* FARE THEE WELL, MY FAIRY -- *

THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME IN IRELAND.

THEY NEVER HEARD OF "POLLY WOLLY DOODLE"

IN IRELAND.

I MEAN A WAKE.

* PERCHANCE TO DREAM *

* WHEN YOU'RE FEELIN' BLUE *

[ Burps ] OH, I'M SORRY.

BEN! DO YOU REALIZE IN A MATTER OF A FEW HOURS,

YOU HAVE DEMONSTRATED

MOST OF YOUR EXCREMENTAL BODILY FUNCTIONS?

[ BURPS ]

I HAVEN'T SNEEZED.

A SNEEZE IS EXPIATORY, NOT EXCREMENTAL.

* DREAM *

* THAT'S THE THING TO DO *

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT...

DID I MENTION IT?

THE THING TO DO.

OH, YEAH.

IT IS NOW EXACTLY,

BY MY SPLIT-TO-THE-SECOND ACCURATE

SOLID-GOLD WRISTWATCH, PRESENTED TO ME BY...

OUR LATE, GREAT HOST...

TO OUR LATE, GREAT HOST.

A SWEET SOUL ADRIFT IN A SEA OF SOUR GRAPES.

A SEA OF SOUR GRAPES?

THINK ABOUT IT.

...EXACTLY 4:30.

* AND THE DAWN COMES UP LIKE THUNDER *

TIME TO MAKE DECISIONS.

YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING, DOCTOR.

HE'S A SWEET SOUL.

OH, MY GOD. THAT WAS...BLECH!

BUT YOUR GESTURE WAS MAGNIFICENT.

IT WAS "BLECH!" BECAUSE THAT'S NOT FELIX.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHO IS IT?

NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT EVEN WHO.

JUST SOMETHING FELIX WALKED AROUND IN.

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT

BECAUSE IT SERVES AS A REMINDER

TO THOSE WHO LOVED WHAT HE WAS.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH HIM -- IT?

I'VE BEEN THINKING.

A BURIAL AT SEA.

BEAUTIFUL.

A BURIAL AT SEA.

I DON'T LIKE TO BE A PARTY POOP, DOCTOR,

BUT I GET SEASICK.

AHA!

THE LAST OF YOUR EXCREMENTAL BODILY FUNCTIONS,

WORTHY OF "THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS."

WE SHALL NEED A BIBLE.

THERE'S A WHOLE ROUTINE

ON THE SEA GIVING UP ITS DEAD.

WHEN?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT SPECIFIES.

A VIKING FUNERAL.

AW.

IF YOU'D ONLY STOP FUSSING...

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

LOGAN'S MISSING.

I HOPE HE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT'S MISSING.

HERE'S LOGAN. WHERE'S WEBSTER?

HERE'S WEBSTER.

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FARMER.

WHERE'S FARMER?

THIS IS DUNCAN.

MR. VAN DER STOCK.

FARMER'S GONE. WE'RE RUINED!

THE HELL WE ARE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHO'S TO KNOW?

Man: LET'S MOVE IT.

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. EXCUSE ME.

COME ON, NOW. COME ON. PLEASE.

ATTA BOY.

I'LL OPEN THE BAR.

HE BOUGHT HER THIS BOAT

ON THEIR 14th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY,

AND THEY SAILED HER TO CATALINA.

SALLY FLEW HOME.

I DON'T THINK FELIX HAS BEEN ON HER

MORE THAN ONCE OR TWICE SINCE THEN.

NO WONDER SALLY WANTS A DIVORCE.

BECAUSE HE BOUGHT HER A BOAT?

WELL, HE'S ONLY BEEN ON HER

ONCE OR TWICE SINCE.

ON THE BOAT!

LET'S SEE

IF I CAN GET THIS SON OF A BITCH STARTED.

IN GRATEFUL APPRECIATION

FROM THE CAST AND CREW OF "THE PAGAN PLUNDER."

I NEVER SAW THAT ONE.

TERRIBLE REVIEWS, GROSSED A FORTUNE.

WHAT IF HE CATCHES SOMETHING?

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

[ ORGAN PLAYING "POLLY WOLLY DOODLE" ]

I'M GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO WORK OUT THE DEAL.

I THINK YOU TWO WILL WORK GREAT TOGETHER.

IT'S A GREAT SCRIPT.

BETTER BE GREAT.

WE'RE PAYING THE SON OF A BITCH A FORTUNE.

MM-HMM.

GARY...

I'VE GOT YOUR CONTRACTS.

BE AT MY OFFICE AT 10:00.

I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO SING.

You've got to.

That's why everybody came.

[ EXHALES ]

[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY

TO BID FAREWELL TO A GREAT MAN

AND A LOVING FRIEND

WHO HAS GIVEN US SOME GREAT PICTURES --

"CYCLONE CITY," "DREAM ANGEL,"

"HELLBENT FOR TEXAS"...

"LOVE ON A" --

"LOVE ON A POGO STICK,"

"MODERN RUST," "EARTH RISE,"

"CRèME DE LA CRèME,"

"TALL MAN FROM TENNESSEE,"

"CHICKEN AT THE WHEEL," "SEA DOG,"

"INVASION OF THE PICKLE PEOPLE,"

"ODYSSEY OF PAIN,"

"PAGAN PLUNDER,"

AND HIS LAST AND GREATEST MOVING-PICTURE EXTRAVAGANZA --

"NIGHT WIND."

BUT WHAT GREATER TRIBUTE THAN TO QUOTE

FROM THE HOLLYWOOD MOTION PICTURE TEXTUALLY?

CAN YOU SEE THAT?

"'NIGHT WIND' B.O. HURRICANE.

"$3-MIL TAKE IN 7 CITIES LABOR WEEKEND.

CAP V.P. BLACKMAN PREDICTS $200 MILLION."

$200 MILLION GROSS!

$200 MILLION!

ARE WE NOT HAPPY FOR HIM, WHEREVER HE IS?

AND NOW MY DEAR FRIEND AND PUPIL,

THAT BEAUTIFUL, FAMOUS,

AND EXTREMELY TALENTED MOVIE STAR

WHO'S KNOWN AND LOVED AND ADMIRED

BY EVERYONE ALL OVER THE WHOLE WORLD,

KNOWN PROFESSIONALLY AS MISS SALLY MILES,

BUT WHO, IN REAL LIFE, IS ACTUALLY MRS. FELIX FARMER.

AND SHE WILL NOW SING

ONE OF HER HUSBAND'S FAVORITE SONGS.

[ MUTTERING ]

[ PLAYING INTRODUCTION ]

* OH, PROMISE ME THAT SOMEDAY YOU AND I *

* WILL TAKE OUR LOVE TOGETHER TO SOME SKY *

* WHERE WE CAN BE ALONE AND FAITH RENEW *

* AND FIND THE HOLLOWS WHERE THOSE FLOWERS GREW *

* THOSE FIRST SWEET VIOLETS OF EARLY SPRING *

* WHICH COME IN WHISPERS, THRILL US BOTH, AND SING *

* OF LOVE UNSPEAKABLE THAT IS TO BE *

* OH, PROMISE ME *

* OH, PROMISE ME *

* OH, PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL TAKE MY HAND *

* THE MOST UNWORTHY IN THIS LONELY LAND *

SO LONG, PAL.

* AND LET ME SIT BESIDE YOU IN YOUR EYES *

* SEEING THE VISION OF YOUR PARADISE *

* HEARING GOD'S MESSAGE WHILE THE ORGAN ROLLS *

* ITS MIGHTY MUSIC TO OUR VERY SOULS *

* NO LOVE LESS PERFECT *

* THAN A LIFE WITH THEE *

* OH, PROMISE ME *

* OH, PROMISE ME *

[ WHIMPERING ]

[ "POLLY WOLLY DOODLE" PLAYING ]

-- Captions by VITAC -- Burbank, Pittsburgh, Tampa, and Washington, D.C.

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY WARNER BROS. INC.