Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

I attract the perfect man.

My soul mate is here and now.

I attract the perfect man.

My soul mate is here and now.

I attract the perfect man.

It took you guys eight years

to complete that film?

I attract the perfect man...

I'm glad she isn't here to hear you say that.

Besides, not everyone was born

with a silver spoon in their mouth.

I attract the perfect man.

My soul mate is here and no...

Miss Katt, at the height of the Cold War

you were East Ger...

Hello, home girl. It's Pedia!

Can you send him to me?

No, you come home

and pick him up yourself.

But I'm busy.

So...

so... so you are stress eating again.

Listen, Marina Katt's on my show today.

- What show? - Pretzel Talk.

- Pretzel what? - Talk!

So, what is...

So, what is it? You're being paid at least?

- Nothing yet, but... - I talked to Resi

at the Alpen Hotel.

They're looking for a chamber maid.

I didn't sleep for years

under a table in a tiny Hell's Kitchen apartment

with six roommates

and cockroaches crawling all over me

and endured endless hours of acting

in ghastly NYU student films

where they cut off my head by mistake,

to go to a one-horse town

to be a fucking chambermaid!

Sorry, I got a lot on my plate.

What do you have?

You don't even have a husband.

I'm late. Gotta go.

Today is the day

Hashtag "Marina Katt is on my show"

exclamation point.

Yep, Stanley, I'm still single.

I'd snap you up in a second

if I were ten years younger.

I wish you were...

or ten years older, Stanley.

Enzo, send her to Trader Joe's for OJ...

it's cheaper.

Okay, cool.

What else does Marina like?

I left a list for Blanche

on the fridge. Gotta go. Bye!

It wasn't the kiss alone

that changed the frog.

It was because she looked

beneath the slime and warts

and believed she saw a prince.

So he became one.

What's...?

She's doing her on-the-run

screen writing again.

Jeez!

Jeez.

"Danke dass Sie bei unserer

Arlington Friedhof-tour

dabei waren.

Merci d'avoir participé

notre visite guidée

du cimetrière Arlington.

Got it!

- There you go. - Thanks

Ahem.

Sixty dollars?

Sorry, Vic.

I'm sorry, Marv.

I'm supposed to get 200. Fess up.

Would you relax?

These guys have plenty of work for you.

My advice...

don't poke the bear!

Who's the bear? You?

No! Them!

If they're a bear, I'm a fucking lion!

Hand it over, or I'm gonna start talking

about the boy porn magazines you're trying to hide

behind the speaker which, by the way,

is a horrible place to hide shit.

Especially because I can see them.

And I'm sure your wife won't be too happy

to hear about that.

We're looking for just one more spot

to fill for the upcoming billboard awards.

What's wrong with your arm?

No, no, it's just shoulder tendinitis

from teaching dance.

I'll be fine in time for the show.

We're looking for girls who can twerk.

Oh, I can twerk.

Mmm... but there's nothing here that says you can.

But... twerking is not hard.

Yeah, and you have to be black.

Oh!

Thanks, Vicky.

No, thank you.

And it's Victoria, by the way.

Have you heard from Marina yet?

Okay. Text me when you do.

Oh! Get the crazy glue, Blanche.

- Where? - Top drawer.

And water. Bottled water, from the fridge.

Okay.

- You're good? - Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Meet my manager, Lando Cox.

He represented Aretha Franklin's sister.

Yeah. Karolyn Franklin.

But I don't care about stars,

I make 'em right, babe?

Uh.

Oh! Victoria is shooting

her own talk show.

Oh, yeah? Who's on it?

Uh, Marina Katt.

The Olympic figure skater?

- Yeah! - You know her?

I've still got her Playboy issue from 1994.

Do you think you can get her to sign it for me

I'll be right back, babe.

I'm not talking about East Germany again.

My head is free and clear.

My head is free and clear.

My head.. Ah, forget it!

Where's Blanche with the water?

I should've fired her.

We can't afford professionals.

Why are you texting?

I put some money on a penny stock.

It could make me an instant millionaire.

I need you to focus.

Suggestions?

Just... don't babble.

You're gonna stick to the point.

- I don't babble! - Yeah!

Annoyed, reprimanded, pissy...

"Oh, for the muse of fire

that would ascend the brightest

heaven of invention!"

"Lambic pentameter" is still babbling.

"A kingdom for a stage,

princes to act

and monarchs to behold

- the swelling scene - Yeah?

- then should the... - Yeah, we're down here.

Cool! Sure, sure!

All right. We're all here.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to Pretzel Talk,

live behind the scenes.

It's show time!

Whoo-hoo!

What an honour to have you

on our show, Miss Katt!

Thank you.

Go, go, go, go!

Okay. Say hi to your Facebook fans.

We're live streaming!

You went to school

to be a pretzel handler.

Let me explain

Pretzel Talk's format to you.

First, we do a little dance

underneath the pretzel...

Die Pretzel kommt jetzt!

...little bit of a German thing

going on, since we're both Germanic.

Gotta have a shtick.

The joke is...

everything breaks down

in this old building.

Your heel is broken!

Oh! That's part of the theme.

So...

the buzzer is broken,

so you grab a key

to let yourself in.

Then we do the interview in my studio

which will probably remind you

of East Germany in the 1970's.

The walls are so thin,

the Secret Police wouldn't even

have to plant a bug!

Okay. So, this is our camera man.

Welcome to another edition of Pretzel Talk.

I'm your host, Victoria Timm.

Today we have a very special guest,

whom I've admired since childhood,

even though we're the same age.

She's won three Olympic gold medals

in figure skating. Marina Katt!

Okay.

It got stuck!

So, here is our melody,

theme song... Feel free to move to it!

I won't do this!

Stop the pretzel!

Pull it up! Pull it up!

Cut!

Cut!

Miss Katt, tell us about your amazing career

that evolved from and 18-year old,

stepping out from behind the iron curtain.

I'm gonna get fired!

I'll have to go back to school!

Miss Katt!

Miss Katt!

A real star

would've done the interview.

I blew it!

Open the package.

Open it!

Pedia never gave up,

even after the dog bit him, right?

Yeah, he was decapitated...

Which turned out to be to his advantage.

It made him weigh less.

And you even

sewed clothes for him...

and Pedia, the penguin was born.

The name was your idea.

Despite his giant ears

and potato nose, he...

won the Olympics in ski jumping.

Even beating out

the great Max, the Mallard!

The man of my dreams.

I felt guilty having Pedia beat him.

Don't worry.

So did everybody else!

Thanks for sending my things.

I love you, Mutti.

I couldn't hold onto your junk, anyway.

They only let us

have one room.

I gotta go, Mom.

You haven't seen everything.

Mmm! Your pot?

I'm not gonna live with you!

Oh, shit!

Excuse me.

Europe is looking better and better.

I still think Pretzel talk

has real potential.

Yeah! Two likes on Facebook.

Have you checked lately?

After the fiasco with ESPN,

who the hell is going to come

to my show?

The Marina pretzel bit

got 30 000 hits on You Tube.

You posted it? How could you!

Of course I did. It's... It's funny...

Why does everybody let me down?

So, then how come Max Bauer wants to see you?

- Who? - Ahem.

He commented on the video.

Max... the Mallard?

Ahem.

- You're kidding! - No.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You know what?

You let me know

when you wanna sink the show.

Oh! Oh my God! What am I gonna do?

Uhm... Ah!

Pedia!

Thank you, Pedia! Thank you!

Pedia!

- Mhwa! Thank you! - Good bye.

Our former Olympic ski jumping star,

Max Bauer, became the third celebrity

to be voted off "Gone to the Dogs".

Well, that was an interesting learning experience

about group dynamics.

Hi, to all my fans!

After successfully finishing

round two, Bauer couldn't hold

his own among a pack of semi-wild dogs

in the Liechtenstein outback.

He's still not here!

He's still not here!

Maybe he booked a better show.

Yeah, he's working with a better breed of dogs.

Pissy, annoyed, frustrated!

Oh, for the muse of fire that...

Where's the fire?

Oh, my God! Hi!

- Oh, no! - I was just goofing around.

Hi!

It's Max.

Welcome to New York.

- Welcome to Pretzel Talk... - You're...

I... I am... Victoria.

- Victoria Tim. - Victoria... Nice to meet you.

Yeah. Nice to meet you too.

All right, shall we start?

- Mister Bauer... - You can call me Max.

- Max? - Yeah.

Not only did you win the World Cup,

you set the world's unofficial ski jumping record

of 954 feet in Albertville,

managing to land on only one ski

after the other one came off!

Wow! Somebody did their homework, right?

What's it like to fly

at a speed of 75 miles per hour

over an area as large as a football field?

Oh, it's like slow motion, shhhhh...

if everything goes well.

How do you overcome your fear?

I imagine the space below me

not as empty, but filled with energies

and with voices, hoo...

- and spirits, right? - That's fascinating!

Yeah.

With the same abandon

that make you hurl yourself

off 350 foot platforms,

you throw yourself into all sorts

of celebrity odd jobs,

and everywhere fans wanna see

your famous "Tele-Max".

Oh, that! Yeah.

The trademark finish.

You execute it

with the elegance of a dancer...

after your legendary landing.

I mean, you are the dancer.

I just move around

and the people look at me,

I look back, and then they clap.

Hardly! Could you...

maybe do your Tele-Max for us?

Oh, nobody wants to see that.

I'm sure we all would love to see that, right folks?

- Right? - Yeah, we wanna see it!

- You wanna see it? - Yeah!

Okay, I'll do it.

Besides landing in one piece of course, form is

the most important thing.

So...

God, the stocks are up big.

All right, so besides landing

in one piece, form is the most important thing.

Watch!

And when you land and when you bow

you must hold their attention.

Then you come up slowly...

slowly you hold, you hold...

you give them the Pavarotti smile...

and the audience goes wild!

What an amazing feat of strength!

The coordination!

Does this man have any weaknesses?

My weakness is finding out

about beautiful women.

Sorry, guys, it was a false alarm.

So, you were born

- in Liechtenstein... - Yeah.

you speak four languages fluently,

have trained Germany, Switzerland and the US...

Where is home?

Home is where the heart is.

- Oh, that's totally true. - Yeah.

A perfect way to end the show.

Thank you, Mr Mallard.

Sorry, Max...

No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!

You can't... Excuse me!

You can't end your show

without telling the audience

- about your film! - Yeah!

Okay!

Visit us on pretzeltalk.com

where you can download

my movie "Tango Schmango"

or order a limited edition DVD.

Lower.

We will see you next time.

I, uh... I guess I'll just go.

I'll see you guys later.

Let's look at it.

- Wow! - It's good.

Great job!

Capturing me from this angle,

I mean, I look fantastic.

For you.

There's a love scene that embarrassed my mom.

I'm not uptight.

Tango Schmango.

I don't know, I'm kind of shy, Vicky.

I don't know what to say.

And... Tango Schmango.

You all right?

Oh, here we are.

This is it.

Um... could you wait a sec?

I wanna make sure the workers didn't leave a mess.

I only have eyes for you.

Can I help you?

Oh, uh...

Miss Timm is coming down to meet me.

What the hell is she doing up there?

All that noise!

It's like living on a construction site!

It's terrible, of course, you know.

I'll make sure the noise stops at once.

Oh, well thank you.

Ah! Thank you again.

It keeps me up at night.

I... I can't create me art.

What is your art?

I used to be a singer,

but nothing was really panning out.

so now I'm...

Go on.

I'm creating collages

of butterflies and... vaginas.

Sounds interesting.

What do you do?

About what?

No, I won the World Cup in ski jump.

Now I'm a film maker.

Wow!

I think you should forget

about everything else and just do your art.

Right?

March to the beat of your own drum.

Katchook, katchook, katchook...

You think?

Yeah. Take risks. Leap before you look.

Stay there.

Why?

May I?

Okay.

And... come closer.

Yeah!

So, we're on a vacation in Mexico,

in an area called Cuetlaxcoapan,

which means "where serpents

change their skin".

And then, without warning,

my wife kicks me out.

Why did she kick you out?

Because father was from an old Prussian clan,

and he said I wasn't macho enough.

And he didn't like

that I was the nurturing type!

It's great if a man is capable of nurturing.

Exactly, right?

So I found myself alone

in the Mexican countryside.

And... I start walking

and I come to this tiny mountain village.

It was high noon, there was not a soul around,

and I was totally lost.

And then...

suddenly I hear this pained "moo'.

And there was this emaciated cow

with its ribs sticking out,

grazing in the dry grass between cacti.

Cacti?

It's the plural of cactus.

I see something sticking out it's rear,

and it's the rotten corpse of a calf.

- No! - Yes, and I mean, I...

I didn't know what I could've done!

Right? I mean, I felt so helpless

and the cow was doomed

and I only had my

Nordic walking poles with me.

That's horrible!

So... I take a picture.

You did?

- Ugh! - I know.

Oh, my God!

The world around us

reflects how we feel inside.

Yeah.

Then I remember...

that I am master of my own destiny.

The I sit down, and I...

close my eyes

and I envision the perfect woman.

Dear God,

I pray that I may choose my life companion

according to Thy law of perfect soul union.

Amen.

And then...

and then I get this from you!

I mean...

This is amazing!

"I attract the perfect man."

"I attract the perfect man."

"My soul mate is here and now."

Yes, I am.

I'm sorry.

Way too early...

...but I got a plane to catch.

The early bird catches the worm.

Yeah.

They consider too much the good luck

of the early bird.

The bad luck of the early worm.

Ooh!

Gotta go. It's late.

Oh, that's a big sack!

All right!

I got a part of you.

I'm protected.

Ooh!

Hello, my queen of tango

I look forward to hours,

days, years and a life together,

maybe universes we can experience together.

Ich kuesse deine Seele, mein Schatz.

I kiss your soul, my heart.

It's so amazing!

And we didn't even have sex.

That is amazing!

What's wrong with him?

Nothing!

He really wants

to get to know me first.

He saw you with that frown tape?

No! But he'd be impressed

that I'm not messing up my body with Botox.

We think very much alike.

I'm sure.

It's better than a dream.

Finally, a nice wholesome guy

He has such a strong set of teeth!

Oh, it's him! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

Oh!

Uh... hold on a sec, please.

Look! It's fake!

Look!

It's stuff like that

that makes me think of you all the time.

I think of you all the time.

I just sent you a shooting star.

Did you get it?

Um...

there's a high rise building...

but I'm sure there was a shooting star.

Ho, ho, Mischka!

That's one of my colleagues.

Bears on skis?

On double blades!

I can't wait to see you again.

I'm so horny,

I'm taking you to bed with me right now.

Who?

It's me.

- Hello! - Hey.

I'd like to wish you good luck

with the big ham.

Thank you, but don't make a bid deal of it.

Especially because nobody

watched his interview, right?

Can you be a dear and grab this?

Sure.

Hmm?

Who is it?

Your soul mate!

How do I look?

Babushka!

Frau Riefenstahl,

- the filmmaker. - No paparazzi, please!

No!

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait! Oh, my God!

What happened to your head?

I got shot out of a cannon

and landed on a bear.

Oh, it's not funny, come on.

Unfortunately, he tore up your hat.

Is the bear still alive?

Enzo, the bear could've mauled him to death.

Okay, well, I'm on my way.

No, no, no, I can take that.

All right, all right, you take the trash.

It's Christmas time!

And the Ferrari of vegetable peelers.

Thank you, I can use it.

Please speak English,

I have to acclimatise myself.

Okay.

Knives!

You cook?

Oh, yeah.

You are the nurturing type.

- Here. - I don't have a stove, though.

My jerk of a landlord took it.

Don't worry about that,

I've got something much better for you.

A vibrator.

I mean a dehydrator.

You're a raw foodist?

You bought a clothesline too?

Ever heard of clothes-pin cookies?

No, but I can't wait to find out.

You will.

- Oh, look! - Oh!

- Let's try them on. - Okay.

It's awesome! I love it!

I love that jacket. You wore it

on the red carpet, right?

Yeah, Giorgio personally gifted it to me

at the height of the Mallard mania.

Giorgio, as in Giorgio Armani?

Yeah.

How did you get all of this through customs?

That was the least of my problems.

They asked me if I worked here illegally,

since I came back so soon.

What did you tell them?

I told them that...

I uh... came to see the love of my life.

Shh... Close your eyes.

What?

Ah! Is this...

My world Championship medal.

Wow!

It looks better on you than on me.

Mmm.

- Mmm... - Mmm?

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

The noise.

I think it's coming from... from there.

Uh...

Can we look?

I don't... think...

There's a big mouse!

Okay, give me the light.

Be careful!

Ah, damn!

I almost had it!

He went out through a hole in the wall.

Oh!

Careful! It's dangerous

to inhale mouse droppings.

It's rat droppings!

Doesn't matter.

Give me a hammer and some nails.

Thank you.

A little more...

It's so great to have a man

around the house.

It's great to have "moi" around the house.

"Moi" needs a shower! Ahh!

Look, I found a special place

for your medal.

What's that?

That...

uh... that's Pedia, the penguin.

My good luck charm from when I was a kid.

Well, he looks familiar.

He was a ski jumper also.

Really?

Yeah.

Pedia and I both faced challenges.

As a girl I wasn't allowed to compete,

and Pedia's jumbo ears slowed him down,

which made him crash all the time.

Then one day Ken broke his foot,

Pedia jumped in and he won Olympic gold!

Pedia did a lot better than I did.

And he brought me

my real life Olympic champion.

You are unusual.

I was such a tomboy.

And now...

you are all woman.

My mistress ice queen.

Mmm... mistress.

You're not married, are you?

Happily divorced.

Mmm... You're my ice prince.

Anybody ever tell you

you could've been a great skater.

All the time.

My mom, I mean, she...

she made me take lessons, including ballet.

But she never managed to turn me

into a figure skating fruitcake.

Hey, did you know that the Olympics...

- were fixed? - No!

The night before my Olympic competition...

You know, this pretty Russian,

I mean, a Russian official told me

that it had been decided that...

I was going to be fourth,

even though I had beaten

everyone at the World's before,

including Benny Bennovitz.

And then, the next day I ended up being...

- Fourth. - And they claimed

I had touched the ground

ten inches before the fall line,

which was total bullshit!

That sucks!

And Benny Bennovitz

who has Pedia's nose, he got the gold.

Up till now I was living only for my daughters.

But when the bear

had my head in its fangs,

it came to me.

I don't want to live another minute

without you.

May I penetrate you?

Don't be embarrassed.

I have these frown lines.

I have them too! Look...

I have a Christmas tree.

Do you have silly dreams as well?

Like what?

I dreamed...

I was riding an elephant all night long.

It was a small elephant.

Very intelligent.

He knew...

He knew where to go.

Oh, yeah.

Don't tough my butt.

- Don't touch my butt! - Why?

It's sore from all the riding.

Wow! A whole drawer all to myself!

That's all I could spare.

Right, here.

- Merci beaucoup. - De rien.

Just let me check what...

what have we got in here.

Oh! Look!

Oh, your twins.

Mari and Kari.

Haven't seen them in over two years.

How can you stand being separated?

'Cause my lying crazy ass ex

threatened to tell the press

that I molested them...

just so the court would give her

every penny I owned.

But at least my little ones are provided for.

They wonder why I swore off marriage.

I wish we'd met ten years ago.

Me too.

We can still make up for it.

How?

We just live ten years longer than destined.

- Right? - Mmm.

I have something for you.

What's that?

To my soul mate?

"Dear soul mate..."

2007?

"I'm so happy we found each other.

We are both European.

You are 5'10", a professional dancer

or even an Olympian.

We have one to two children

and we live on Riverside Drive..."

Wow!

It feels like we've known

each other for lifetimes.

- Is that too much? - No.

- No? - No.

We'll raise our one to two children...

on Riverside Drive,

And if I have to bag groceries

at Trader Joe's...

we'll do it.

I'll do it.

My soul bows to your soul.

This really is the Ferrari of peelers.

Max?

You like it.

Answer me.

Check out Peter Black's camera work.

...understood? On your knees!

See how blatantly he positions the lights?

- Mmm. - Cool, huh?

See the reflection in their pupils...

except those tramps don't have your beauty

and fluidity from years of dance.

I'm gonna make lunch.

Vicky!

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

More than okay. I...

Will you marry me?

What... did you say?

Will you...

Yes, I will!

Oh, my God!

When I get my green card,

I'll replace it with a real diamond.

It is beautiful!

Most people don't know

the difference anyway, right?

You have a three-carat ring.

Frau Bauer.

Frau Bauer.

Yeah!

Okay, and ready... go!

Nice!

Beautiful! Okay!

Wow! In America money lies on the street.

This brings my penny count to...

- you're funny! - 22 cents!

For the groceries.

A penny saved...

...makes us less enslaved!

That stupid dog show

did a number on my image.

I can't believe it. Look.

"The aging star athlete, Max, the Mallard

has been pathetically chasing the limelight

by fighting dogs for grubs..."

That's not true. You're a vegan.

Just wait until they hear

about my success in New York.

They'll kiss my ass.

Our wedding will be a...

positive status update.

No, no, don't post anything yet.

It needs to be carefully orchestrated.

We can have our wedding

with tabloids and whole shebang later,

but first I wanna find a project

that shows me on the upswing.

Right? Like a... like a reality show?

Maybe you can sell

Tupperware on the slopes

and I can come flying...

What about a modern version

of "The Frog Prince"?

- Frog prince"? - The "Snail Princess".

A lonely guy names Hans

can't get a date.

He has literally two left feet.

The irony, right, the world champion

with two left feet?

So, one day a good fairy appears,

and she tells him if he kisses a snail

despite his mollusk-phobia,

it will turn it into a princess

with two right feet.

Because you always have to be right.

She's the right one. It's a metaphor!

Okay, go on.

And then they go into the park,

and then there's a tractor

and it cuts off one foot each.

I'm Hans, and who is she, who is Vicky?

It's great! Hans and Heidi...

- Right! - It's fantastic!

The hospital switches

their feet by mistake, see,

and then they end up

with each other's foot.

Who are you?

I'm Heidi.

I'm Hans.

- Oh, my foot! - And my foot!

Where do you live?

So, why the rude gesture?

Why I am being crude, I mean

the attachment of the new foot

causes him to have side-effects.

It makes him want to constantly...

flip the bird!

I'm not sure

if that's gonna go over well.

We're disagreeing again.

But darling, don't we want the audience

that disability is not a handicap

as long as they love each other.

But flipping the bird

has truly medicinal benefits.

I mean, don't you get it?

It helps them to work through

their childhood trauma,

and... and it clears

your head of the cobwebs

that the bosses, politicians and pundits

spin with their tired words

and useless clichés, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah? So march...

Yeah?

...to the beat of your own drum.

Katchoonk, katchoonk, katchoonk, katchoonk.

Leap before you look!

Dance as if everybody is watching!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Their dance of love

gets a million hits on You Tube.

A producer offers him a reality show.

It pays a cool million bucks.

The format is humiliating.

At first they want to take it,

but then they decide

not to sell their souls.

And then the producers can't believe

that they would turn down a million bucks,

right?

For the last time they dance, they're now famous.

"Fuck you, Mozart" -dance!

And then we'll see them

driving off in his Volkswagen.

We only see Hans' middle finger

out of the sunroof.

And then...

thy live happily forever after

in her castle on the hill.

And then...

I can say "fuck you"

to the "Gone to the Dogs" producers,

because, guess who's top dog now?

Yeah!

I'm home!

- Hi! - Hi, neighbour. How's it going?

You moved in with Rhoda?

No! She has a loft in Dumbo now.

- Oh! - Some jerk encouraged her

to become a painter.

Some "leap before you look" kind of nonsense.

I'm sorry.

She should've stuck to singing.

I could've gotten her on The Voice.

Well, I hope you find someone more deserving.

Cheers.

It's me again.

How long does it take you to come upstairs?

I ran into Lando, our new neighbour.

I heard. Another rat showed up.

- Oh, no! - Yeah.

The exterminator was here

and put down snap traps. Here is the bill.

I'll take care of it.

Watch those traps.

Knowing you, you'll step right in.

Oh, your mom's been on Skype all day.

You're telling me now?

Hello, Mutti.

I'm leaving.

Where you going?

Uh, friends from Europe,

some art gallery thing.

Wait, I have to take a shower first.

No, stay here, it won't take long.

Max...

Please say hi to your future mother-in-law?

Say hi to what?

Max proposed!

Mutti, Max Bauer, in the flesh!

And Max... this is my mom!

Hello Ms...

Marta!

Ms. Marta.

Don't we make a beautiful couple?

I guess, I'll put a notice in the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!

No don't!

Max means he needs to establish himself first.

Isn't he established enough?

Are we good?

Indian cress.

You planted it in your little garden,

By the swing.

Do you remember what the neighbors boys... did?

They ripped them out!

And what did you do?

I grabbed a stick,

and threatened to beat the crap out of them!

You were a very gutsy little girl!

And now...

Look...! what I snagged at Century 21!

I just talked to...

Frau Ohry, my neighbour...

I got it for $79, but it used to be 800!

not only did her son-in-law,

suffer a fatal mountain climbing accident...

- You already told me that story. - but...

her daughter...

jumped to her death from the 5th floor with her baby.

How do you like the dress?

Frau Ohry's daughter always acted on impulse.

For 20 years you pestered me to get married!

And now you're marrying some guy you don't even know!

He's not, "some guy", he's Max Bauer!

Send me pictures of the wedding.

We'll come celebrate in Liechtenstein,

once Max gets on his feet.

He doesn't have any money!

His ex took it.

Sounds fishy!

You just won't believe that a huge sport's star,

would marry a nobody, with a tiny rental apartment.

You mean, an award-winning filmmaker,

who's taking care of some guy who's broke?

He loves me!

You squeak when he's around!

You've been a bad, bad boy!

You've been a bad, bad boy.

You've been a bad, bad boy.

I should just punish you.

Hi honey.

- How was the gallery? - Boring

Woof, woof!

Doggie!

You smell different!

I love you!

I love you too!

Ich liebe dich.

Ich liebe dich auch.

I have a...

present for you.

Ooh!

Surprise.

Yeah!

Oh!

That's yours!

Yeah!

You're crazy!

It's ass art!

Now it's your turn!

You're part of my...

great... new... art...

installation!

And now...

I want you to get naked.

Hm?

And get in there.

In there?

Oh yeah!

Shouldn't you be capturing our movie footage?

First I have to nourish my soul,

like Dukchat.

Who?

The famous artist Dukchat.

You know Dukchat.

He... photographs...

15 year old girls...

in the nude.

And to make them feel more comfortable...

he also takes his pants off.

His dick hanging out makes them more comfortable?

He sends a message of being unconventional.

What message gets sent by trapping me in there?

It doesn't matter,

as long as it evokes a feeling from the viewer!

It's awfully tight!

An artist has got to be risqué.

Otherwise, he's just boring vanilla.

But the... deadline for Tribeca is coming up.

You and I rise above...

bourgeois convention.

Like we did it with our... switched-legs movie

What if I get stuck?

What does great art come out of, huh? Trauma?

But Mozart was inspired by birds singing.

Wagner was an egotistic maniac!

And Van Gogh had his ear cut off!

And Frida Kahlo,

she got pierced with a 10 foot pole through her vagina.

Trauma!

But...

if it falls I could break my bones!

Human existence is pain.

People relate to that.

What if my dance students see me like that...

Stop the petty shit,

and get in the box!

Here we go, okay.

Great shot. Yeah!

Now imagine you're locked up like you are

and bang against the window.

As hard as you can!

Right, right. Like Jack Nicholson in "Shining"

Beautiful! It's awesome!

Okay, okay. I'm done

Okay, just a few more.

So good.

I mean it!

Hello.

Get me out of this!

- I'm done! - It's Max Bauer...

Yes, "the" Max Bauer.

Okay, I'm working on an art project in New York.

Yes.

- I want to get out! - One moment please.

- It's Liechtenstein! - I don't give a shit!

Well then you don't want to talk to Vaduz Films.

Uh!

Just give me the fucking phone then!

Hello?...

Yeah...

The mayor?

Oh... Okay... that sounds great. Okay... thank you.

Okay, I'll talk to you then.

You see!

You open up possibilities, and the universe opens to you!

Hello.

Hello

Wow!

Look at you!

So Victoria...

Yeah...

Today, is your actual wedding day?

Yeah!

He's in the limo downstairs.

- He's a famous ski-jumper! - Okay...

We'll do this quickly then.

Great! I'm teaching Zumba at 5:30 and Salsa at 7:00!

That is one lucky groom!

Okay...

Ready?

Slate please.

Hi, I'm Victoria Ti... Victoria Bauer.

One sec...

For a dazzling white smile that lasts.

Bright White toothpaste.

I didn't realize you had an accent...

Vot do you mean I have an akzent?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Don't we look so great!

Why marry, when jumping in front of a train,

is faster and easier?

- Victoria and Max... - just kidding!

May your love grow stronger each day going forward...

not like the clown I'm stuck with...

I'm not a clown!

Come on, give me this!

We look the way I always dreamed.

Enzo doesn't know what the hell he's doing!

I got something!

You're finally making those clothes pin cookies?

I feel bad for Blanche though.

Turn that shit off.

Is this the part where you...

Blanche ran into me!

It almost looks like you flipped her on purpose...

It's instinct! Olympians are trained to follow through

What do you have... combat instincts at a wedding?

Did "you" act like this is a wedding huh?

I waited all day in a frickin rental car,

while you do your obsessions!

Max, can we please enjoy the biggest day of my life?

Of "your" life! What about my life?

Everything is about you and what Vicky needs!

I mean who schedules auditions and Zumba

around their wedding huh?

We need the money!

I'll make it up to you.

You've been a bad, bad boy!

Aren't you going to punish me?

I should just hand cuff you to the bed,

and ride your face!

Mercy on...

Mercy on me!

I can't do this!

No, no it was fantastic! Just keep going!

I was a bad boy!

Here!

Boeser... boeser... Junge!

Oh yes!

You okay?

Ja! Just do it! Just do it!

You okay?

Yes!

Go ride me! Come on!

Ugh! Come on harder, hit me!

- I'm a bad boy! - Bad, bad boy!

I'm a bad boy! Harder!

Come on go harder!

No! You really got to hit me!

I did!

No you didn't!

Okay, now it's my turn.

Sit!

Platz.

Bad girl.

You're kidding!

Can we kiss for a moment?

Hmm.

I guess not!

- Ouch! - You and your vanilla sex!

Ow!

Ouch!

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!

Ouch!

Yeah!

Okay, that is enough, right?

Two, two more! Two more!

Ouch.

Ready?

Ah!

Last one!

Ow!

Ow! Look this is hurting!

Then use a safe word!

What's a safe word?

Phew! Are you twelve?

Gosh!

That...

should make it...

easier.

Yeah, broccoli always helps the situation.

Ow!

Um, ow! This can't be safe!

This can't be healthy.

Well, it could be worse.

It could... match the color of your eyes!

My eyes are blue!

Ow! Safe word.

Get it off!

Ow!

Ow-oo!

Take it off!

Take this stuff off.

I'm taking it off! Just relax! Come on.

Down there too!

Vanilla sex!

Ow!

This... this was interesting.

But I'm more partial to vanilla sex...

Don't ever stop in the middle okay!

No-one says "No" to Max Bauer!

You prude! I can have any woman I want!

Goodnight!

So, congratulations again, on the production contract!

Oh yeah, all our hard work paid off.

You must be so proud of Victoria!

I always tell Vicky not to talk about unlaid eggs.

He means...

don't count your chickens before they hatch.

I... we haven't signed the contract yet.

But they offered, right?

Right! That's why we're celebrating!

Yaa!

Ah so...

everybody...

Thank you.

Very welcome.

Now...

comes the big surprise.

Surprise, surprise, okay.

Ready?

Set...

whew!

- What's...?

This is, Max's great new art installation!

You should check out the one on the wall... here.

Max has re-invented himself as a serious artist.

Ah... ah...

Ah... Is that you?

Yeah.

Is he peeing?

I'm thinking of exhibiting in an art gallery, maybe a museum.

All you need is connections.

Yeah, Max has always been very daring.

That's what he was famous for at the long hill.

Daring?

That's rather deprav...

Enzo, whatever happened to your penny stocks?

Well uh... I invested in some more...

Yeah! I got a stock tip for you.

Picking up pennies off the street.

I mean, it's more lucrative.

My penny stock's already up by $3.68!

That's really up!

Check out Max's "Legumes a la Bauer"!

It's all raw!

Oh it's raw?

I mean, cooking makes food toxic, right?

Besides that I like to maintain high vibrations

Let's go for it.

Thanks for having us over.

Yeah. I'll go to the hands.

Mmm...

It's real good!

And...

the sprinkles of...

what are those?

That's almonds and Brazil nuts.

Thank god!

Wundernuts!

Max chopped them by hand!

With my special knife!

Wow! Thank you!

Hmm! It's really very...

creative.

Creativity is the ski-jumping hill of my soul.

As an artist, I like to break stifling rules and...

to achieve gobsmacking jumps!

What do you want to do here, in terms of work?

Um... I'm thinking of...

You could make a ton as a ski instructor.

I'm not going to teach the snowplough,

to snot-nosed brats right!

You remember "Eddie the Eagle"?

Uh huh.

He still earns a living with live appearances.

I don't want anybody to know who I am.

Okay. Well...

I don't think you have a problem with that in New York

And besides, you know I mean...

I have nothing in common,

with the worst ski-jumper in history.

I mean, who still runs around supermarkets in a chicken suit!

He's the world champion.

Yeah, that's right!

Well uh...

What are you thinking of doing then?

Well, I see myself,

like selling my work, to art collectors... or museums.

Moma wouldn't be bad right?

Don't you have connections there?

I think he means Moba?

So what's Moba?

Uh... It's a museum of...

it's a gallery... of unusual art.

Like what?

Like there's a...

a painting that mocks the George Seurat painting,

that the musical "Sunday in the Park with George"

is based on.

- Oh! - Yeah, its, um...

this fat guy sitting on the toilet...

and it's called "Sunday on the pot with George".

Moba... "Museum of bad art"

I mean, there's no need, to beat around the bush,

I can take it.

Blanche...

you just can't appreciate the unconventional.

Vicky...

you know. It's okay.

Because today's bad art is tomorrow's good art!

Can't wait for tomorrow!

You know, my art is avant-garde...

that's something small-minded,

bourgeois people wouldn't understand.

So, Max and I are shooting a film.

Unlaid eggs!

Boy, it's like you guys were made for each other!

When did you know that uh...

Oh actually it's a weird story how we ended up...

I have a weird story for you.

I was in Mexico, in an area called,

Cuetlaxcoapan,

which means "where serpents change their skin."

And um...

my wife the bitch, without any warning,

just kicks me out.

And um...

I start walking on the street,

and I come to this tiny mountain village.

It's high noon, there's not a soul abroad...

and then I hear this pained "mooooo"...

Max, Max, please don't

Max, please don't!

It's so sad.

Oh it's so sad! Why don't you focus on my ass instead!

Max, I think you've had enough to drink...

I've got a riddle for you smart people.

A lion chases you,

how fast do you have to run to not get eaten?

I thought you are so smart.

You have to be second slowest.

Fuck that shit man!

Are you okay?

- Yeah. - Are you sure?

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, um...

he's just drunk.

Okay, okay.

Enzo showed me "Tango Shmango", I loved it!

- You did? - Yeah!

It's amazing.

Leave it, leave it!

If it wasn't for his great camera work,

we would not have gotten distribution.

Oh by the way,

Blanche turned out to be a great camera operator herself.

Oh yeah?

Enzo's been teaching me.

That's fantastic!

Do you need any help with the Vaduz Film contract?

Oh, I'm fine.

Max was going to help me.

May I present...

my ass, live!

- Yoohoo! - Why don't you put pants on!

Somebody didn't do the laundry.

So ah, how'd you manage to wangle the distribution deal?

I want to show you this.

Last time I was in Liechtenstein,

I... uh...

was honored... as a filmmaker by the mayor.

He's a very Catholic mayor!

Look!

Aw!

He gave me the key to the city of Vaduz.

My mom in the front row with tears in her eyes.

Great!

Without even having watched the film,

he put in a good word for "Tango Shmango" at Vaduz Film.

And then he did watch it...

He did?

That's so great.

The irony. You had to,

go to America to get recognition in Europe!

Amazing.

The EMT's had to revive the Catholic mayor,

after he watched the infamous sex scene!

Huh?

Which in my opinion, was just pure porn.

What are you talking about?

Well, after Vaduz Film got word of the mayor's heart attack,

they canceled the deal.

I had a nice chat with them though,

they...

cast me in...

"Dancing time in Liechtenstein"

It's the Liechtenstein version of " Dancing with the Stars"

So now my ass on the door doesn't look so bad huh?

You think you'll find another distributor?

Forget about the film,

the man insults her left and right.

He's drunk.

When he's sober he's any different.

It's, it's very hard for a big star,

to live in such a tiny space.

Your image on that dresser is just...

sick!

Yeah, it kind of creeps me out too.

He's got her doing this crap instead of our show!

I'm forty five years old. When am I going to have a family?

You could still have a family.

Sorry about this... stupid!

She's always has to prove, she can make everything work.?

Yeah, I used to call her the "und" girl.

What's that mean?

I can do this, und I can do that und I can...

That's not really funny.

No, it's not.

Anyway, let's just go.

Wait!

Is that?

May I come over?

Knock, knock.

Okay.

Your babies... are beautiful!

Your babies are beautiful, so is your ex.

Let's get a bigger place,

so we can have our own family.

Who's going to pay for it?

And heeere he is...

Where there's a will...

there's a way!

Please, I'm not your sex object.

You... You posted that... your Olympic jump?

You've been clicking this all day.

Internet presence, is money.

Did you spend any time editing our film?

What are you doing to make money huh?

I don't make enough for two people, you know that.

You've got a work permit now.

It's a temporary permit.

Then just get a temporary job!

What do you want me to get, some idiotic job,

like a fucking janitor huh?

Of course,

I don't want you to get a job you don't like.

When I landed my first jump, I was eight years old.

Off the 68 foot ramp.

I heard my Dad say, "my son..."

he said... "my son took off like a rocket"

He knew how special you are.

When you jump far, you have to like lean forward a lot,

for the least amount of wind resistance,

but the current still has to carry you.

And...

the smallest jerk will interrupt flow of air,

and make you drop out of the sky like a rock.

Ah!

I mean...

to fly over 50,000 spectators...

dive into a sea of white and blue flags...

Just want to jump one more time.

Just want to jump one more time.

Okay then,

you can do it again.

Just jump. Jump again.

I'm 50 years old

I know what you're going through.

What do you know what I'm going through?

You've never been a world champion of anything.

No. I know you're the hero.

You're their hero!

I will never have kids again.

Where's Pedia?

He was right there!

Who?

When Dad went on his benders,

Pedia and I would look at the night sky.

And tell each other fairy tales

You mean that ugly head with the patch of clothing?

He made up for his weird looks.

With the best heart... and kindness!

I think I threw it out cleaning.

No!

No! No! No! No!

No!

You are so stupid!

You could have spared yourself going through the garbage

like a homeless person looking for lint...

Look...

I got you on camera.

How about that.

Huh?

Ooh!

What are you going to do, huh?

Fucking asshole!

You're going to be upset? Oh poor baby!

Fuck you!

Oh yeah! Okay! Okay.

If you hadn't run off like a fucking loser

Shut the fuck up!!

I could have told you, I threw it out months ago!

That's what you get, that's what you get!

Payback time!

Get out!

You are such a drama queen!

I want you to pack your bags, and leave!

Ya, could I talk to Ms. Timm please.

She's where?

A silent retreat?

No message, thank you.

No!

How can this happen to me!

Goddammit!

Why are you still here?

I erased our entire movie by mistake!

I don't care! Get out!

Why didn't I back it up in iCloud?

I'm a fucking idiot!

Ow! Ow! Aah!

And I'm the drama queen!

Help!

Oh, my foot, my toe!

Oh, it hurts! It hurts!

God!

Can you get me some ice please.

We can re-type it.

Come here, come up. It's okay.

It hurts.

What are you doing to yourself?

I can't believe it, I wrecked our work

I'm so sorry, Vicky.

I'm such an asshole.

Do you still love me?

What's going on?

Vicky!

Go back inside the apartment please.

What's going on?

I'm picking up a Mr Lando Cox.

In a bag?

No, in a piano. Yeah in a bag.

Let me ask you something blondie.

This guy's been dead a month,

what... nobody noticed?

He's so young!

Not anymore.

Enjoy your life, lady.

I dreamed a demon was chasing me...

So I fled to a church with a beautiful mural,

of an angel on the ceiling.

Suddenly I could fly.

I touched the cool surface of the mural...

and kissed the angel.

He had your face.

In this light your face looks old and wrinkly.

- What? - Yeah...

I'm just thinking of all the things I don't like about you.

The way you wrinkle your nose, when you're brush your teeth.

You calling out emotional states all the time, like...

"happy, fat, angry"!

And your stupid friends.

By the way, did you know that Blanche has eyes like Hitler?

The white is visible at the bottom of her eyes.

But otherwise, you're okay?

And stop telling me your stupid dreams, okay.

Cause people like you,

need to be locked into mental institutions.

You know,

I made up the part about the angel having your face.

You're the demon!

Oh, I'm the demon?

I'm the demon? Really?

I will show you the demon!

I will show you what a demon I am!

I can show you...

what a fucking demon and devil I am!

Do you like that?

Or do you like this...?

or do you like that, huh?

Good.

The script sucked anyway.

Now leave me alone.

You think you can reject your husband huh?

This what Mallards

do to their mates

I need to pee!

You're a liar!

My ex-wife never had to pee in 10 years.

I teach you something about marriage.

Okay, you have to be honest to your spouse.

Yeah!

Oh yeah?

Then what about you and Rhoda?

What, who?

You know exactly who.

You take pictures of each other's asses,

and that's not all, I'm sure!

That was ass sex! That was ass art!

Ow!

I'll call the police!

I told you not to touch me...

stay away from me!

Stop abusing me! Ow! Ouch! You're hurting me!

Stop abusing me!

By the way, you're nuts,

If you think I'd want to have kids with you

I mean...

my daughters are young, beautiful and smart.

Why would I want to merge your shit DNA with theirs huh?

I am beautiful!

Your eyes are, too close together.

Here I can prove it.

Cut that shit out!

You're an ugly old narcissist.

Who the hell would want to have kids with someone like you?

What did I ever do to you?

You let me down...

economically.

What the fuck?

I pay all your bills, your rent,

phone, food, your immigration lawyer!

Get the fuck out now!

Now you listen to me.

And listen carefully.

I'll stay here in this fucking apartment,

till I get my permanent green card.

Then I will divorce you!

You bought Tuscan bread again?

I mean look! Ezekiel...

why don't you remember, Ezekiel bread?

I forgot.

You forgot because you don't focus!

You do this, and that and the other thing,

and you forget important stuff like bread!

You're right, I should focus more.

- That's right,

you should focus more.

Call me God.

I won't call you God, but I will call you Gut.

You think that's funny huh?

You think that's funny?

You think that's funny huh? Huh? Huh?

Hey! What's going on?

We texted you 20 times,

you don't answer our calls, or messages on Facebook?

I've been busy.

Why are you wearing sunglasses?

I have such a headache.

Wait, did he put his hands on you?

I don't want to talk about it.

When are you going to kick that fucker out?

I love him.

And I love a knife in my ass!

Listen, go to the police.

I gotta go.

Ow!

Shit!

Who is it?

Your mother-in-law!

Where is my daughter?

And a good day to you

She'll be back in a minute.

Are you sick?

No.

Why... are you in bed at this hour?

Huh?

None of your business.

I guess someone has to...

someone...

has to be the man around here.

Uh!

Ah!

She's always punctual, my daughter, isn't she?

Huh?

And she's not only beautiful,

but talented...

Yeah, I'm a lucky guy.

The trouble is,

her heart's too good...

For what huh?

Ah!

Your mother barged in here and started threatening me.

Mutti!

My child!

You're teaching dance like this?

What are you doing here?

Whah.

Hah.

Enzo called

He told me what you're been going through.

Why does everyone butt in?

Shit!

Sorry,

Do you want some tea?

Yes, thank you.

Chamomile?

Yes.

Excuse me.

Why do you let him treat you like this?

I'm not so innocent,

I nag him.

Where is your self-respect?

Yeah.

Who did I learn from?

I didn't go through everything,

so... so... you could support this piece of crap

I love him!

Pack your things,

you're coming with me!

My home is here!

Hmph!

He'll never look that good again,

your Prince Harming!

Well at least he's famous.

Your father was a star fucker!

I'm "not" a star fucker.

Max and I have a real relationship.

Go ahead,

give up your friends,

say goodbye to me!

This is my life!

You are a slave, to what you're afraid to loose.

Why are you afraid to lose this... this...

Mutti!

Hi everyone,

this is the follow up to my 'pretzel talk' with Max Bauer.

Open the fucking door!

Show time!

You changed the locks?

This is... divorce papers.

You'll sign them, and then you'll leave.

I warned you, don't fuck with me!

All I want you to do, is sign them.

This better be a joke!

Where's my stuff?

Here. Including your medal!

I'll have you arrested for locking me out!

Oh yeah?

Are you going to sign this or not?

I'll have you arrested for locking me out!

Well then, you're going to jail with me!

But I'll sue you for spousal abuse, abandonment and rape!

Where are my knives?

You think your daughters are going to visit you in jail?

Do you think the public wants to hear the story I can tell?

My knives are not here!

You really think I'd be stupid enough to let you have knives?

I... am going to kill you!

I always thought you were somebody.

Go ahead... prove that you're a nobody.

Haven't you done enough?

You could have had it all... you stupid bitch!

Police! Open the door!

Police, let me see your hands!

Don't hurt me!

Let me see your hands! Put your hands up!

It's okay!

Turn around.

Don't hurt me! It's not what it looks like!

Turn around! Put your hands in the small of your back

Aah! Ouch! I didn't do anything.

Get this guy to bookings.

I need my lawyer,

I'm a famous Olympian.

We were rehearsing a reality show!

Tell them Vicky!

And my grandmother is Santa Claus!

Get him outta here!

Are you okay ma'am?

You're lucky your mother saw you live streaming

And cut!

Good, good job!

It's good for camera.

Yeah, that was good.

Mr Bauer.

Oh you can call me Max

Max.

Not only did you win the World Cup,

you set a world record in ski-jumping,

for 954 feet in Albertville,

while landing on only one ski, after the other came off!

Somebody did their homework!

I do what I can!

So, what does it feel like,

to fly at the speed of 75 mph,

over an area as large as a football field?

Like in slow motion, if all goes well.

How do you overcome your fear?

Well, if you're afraid, you shouldn't jump...

I imagine the space below me not as empty,

but filled with energy, voices, spirits.

Fascinating...

and everywhere you go,

your fans want to see the famous "Tele Max"!

Oh that!

That trademark finish you execute

with the elegance of a dancer

after your legendary landing!

You're the dancer. I just move around!

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org