Original subtitles

♪ Warriors for hire are here ♪

♪ Mighty Magiswords ♪

♪ It's the name and career ♪

♪ Mighty Magiswords ♪

♪ Siblings who quest ♪

♪ Mighty Magiswords ♪

♪ Which is what they do best ♪

♪ Mighty Magiswords ♪

♪ They have special tools ♪

♪ For which they are fools ♪

♪ These guys lose their mind when they collect and find ♪

♪ The Mighty Magi...swords ♪

♪♪

Announcer: Magisword Training at Warriors for Hire Headquarters!

Luap si purg.

Okay, Noville, what I want you to do

is just get your little tentacle and thwip it

with your Swish Navy Magisword at Grup.

He's right over there hovering, see?

Have it grab that watermelon and then bring it back here.

Yeah, okay, sure. Here goes nothing.

I believe in you! [ Clank ]

Whoa! Mm!!

My belief is waning. Okay, that was my bad.

It -- I-I'll just show you.

See, you need to -- It's like a follow-through here.

You just switch your whole body, swish-swish,

Both: Ooh!

[ Explosions ] Ooh. Witch Way.

What's going on over there?

I'll try to get them to keep it down.

Oh, I have a delivery in that direction!

Witch Way for superior sorcery services!

Services.

Witch Way! Purveyors of powerful prestidigitation!

Prestididi -- Purveyors!

Witch Way!

You are practically begging for the whole kingdom to be here,

what with your obnoxious volume.

The folk will flock to those who are the flashiest

and the loudest. The loudest!

Goodness gravy!

Perhaps if you could wrap your tiny brains

around this simple fact, there'd be more business for --

Warriors for Hire!

I wish to do business with you!

Maximum hiss! Backup hiss.

Ah, Buford. What may we Warriors,

who are not affiliated with Witch Way, do for you?

Well, I can't see, y'see? At least not outta this eye.

Heh! I was out for a hike...

Hey!

...and this here beady contact lens

just plum popped right on out!

We're right here!

I hope you lost it someplace dangerous.

Right deep down in the V, right here in Lyvsheria

or, rather, the giant signage what reads "Lyvsheria".

Vambre: This isn't just a label for the map?

I reckon it ain't, seein's how I been there an' all.

This here handsome sock o' jemms awaits y'all

if you can return my lens.

[ Chuckles ] What say you?

Say we that we have a deal!

Well, sizzle my gristle!

I'ma see you Warriors later, so to speak.

Uhh, ooh. Pardon. Uhh. Pardon.

Uhh. Pardon!

Book man, do you have my order?

Oh, yes! Absolutely!

Here you go, Mr. Gateaux, Your Highness, sir.

I mean, not Your Highness. Why did I say that?

Ooh! Talking is hard.

Uhh. Pardon. Uhh. Pardon.

What is that tome in your grasp?

What? nothing! Uh, "grasp"?

Why, it's the latest Veronica Victorious book!

No spoilers! I would never!

Gateaux! I am literally literarily

obsessed with the series! I ship every one!

Gat... If there were

a sequel out tomorrow,

I'd do nothing but read!

Read!

It's a good thing there isn't a sequel out yet.

We have a gig tomorrow!

You're not doing

Well, it's almost sunset,

so we'd need the daylight to search.

Almost sunset?! How long have I been away from my shop?!

A half-hourish? I need to get back.

I left Helmut in charge of the shop while I was out!

[ Blowing nose ]

What are you doing to that book?

It's paper, isn't it? What would you do?

Read it? Pbht! You read books?!

This is a bookstore. Dork!

You don't get away from your shop much, do you, Noville?

Uh, I'm a bit awkward outside of my comfort zone,

and I don't have many. Is it obvious?

No. I mean yes.

Aah!

I should get back to the store now.

Oh, Noville, when there is a new Veronica Victorious book,

do let me know! You'll be

the first to know!

I promise!

[ Gasps ]

Swooping in and stealing the only potential customer

we had all day! Swooping.

They will suffer by my petty revenge

for such clientele thievery! Uh, petty.

Gateaux! Focus not on that frivolous drivel.

You know, not cool, man.

This is a very engrossing series of novels

that has managed to transcend the generational gap

and creatively inspire millions of children and adults alike

across the continent.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't break stuff you like.

What's the big broccoli-honkin' deal about this book?!

Even you could write a better story than this Agatha Uthor.

Maybe we should.

Explain yourself. Explain to me!

Vambre did say she would lose the whole day

to a new Veronica Victorious novel.

If we were to make this a reality...

She would be too distracted to conduct business,

and then the folk like this Buford fellow

would have no choice but to come to us, Witch Way!

Brilliant! I'm brilliant!

Brilliant. My first fan fiction.

Now all the characters will share my opinion!

Announcer: The next morning at Warriors for Hire Headquarters!

Sneak! Sneak! Stealth!

Hush! Hush.

♪ Do do do do do ♪ Ah! What's this?

"Veronica Victorious and the Pantaloons of Phantomloons"?

What?! Oh!

Noville must've left this for me.

Ugh, Vambre, we got a gig, remember?

[ Whimpers ]

You're not gonna be able to focus on your job

unless you read that, are ya?

[ Sighs ] Fine. I'm gonna go out for a breakfast slugwich.

You think you'll be ready for this job in like an hour?

Cool. You promised now. I'll meet you at the sign then.

Eee!

Chapter one!

W.T. even did I just read?

This is awful!

This is the worst thing I've ever read!

Uh...I must be mistaken.

Chapter one.

It's even worse than I remembered!

Grup! Grup! Listen to this tripe!

"Veronica Victorious rode her valiant steed,

"the beast's senses heightened by a warm fetid breeze...

Um...

Oh, uh, you're frightening me -- more than youths usually do.

Oh! My hearing aid's got a bravery setting!

Uh, I only read spell books and manga.

Look over there!

[ Continues reading ]

Yeah, I'm usually totes for our book discussions,

but I'm backlogged, and this palace is an

official No Spoiler Zone.

So...bye-bye.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

"...of the midwife's halitosis."

Wow, yeah, that does sound pretty bad.

"Bad"?!

This is the most malodorous repugnant crud vapors!

Surely you agree!

It actually doesn't look familiar.

Did they print this against her will?

[ Gasps ] They must have!

They dug through Uthor's abandoned manuscripts!

Why else would she let them?

Unless this was printed posthumously.

[ Gasps ] Did Agatha Uthor die?!

I'll see if I can contact the publisher, okay?

So, uh, did you and Prohyas

finish that job you got last night?

[ Gasps ] Ugh!

I'm scared that I enjoyed that on some level.

Announcer: Meanwhile, at the Lyvsheria sign!

Wow, it's super weird being early for a change.

I'll just give Vambre a jingle jangle.

Vambre: "The ignoble artificial steed unfurled one final --"

You haven't finished reading it?

Eight times! Worse with every repeat!

Listen to this!

"Veronica resented the potentially fabricated foal,

and --" Just get here!

Welp!

Announcer: Retractable Ladder Magisword!

Heck, I might not even need Vambre at all for this one.

Just the absolute worst, most horrendous...

[ Explosion ] Eh?

Announcer: Gummy Sticky Hand Magisword!

Ugh. Doesn't anyone ever clean this thing?

Complete and utter trash!

Vambre! I could really use a little help!

Really, I don't understand

why the horse may or may not be real.

There is literally no payoff!

The horse is an allegory for Veronica's

split personality disorder in the beginning of the book!

Careful, Gateaux.

Keep talking like that and you'll totally blow our cover!

And I fail to understand...

Could you be a little bit more discerning

with those magisword choices, Vambre?

Ahhh!

It's really dark down here.

Maybe you could send a -- Dumb!

O-Okay. Never mind that.

Schlomo Schmooster, The publisher

of the "Veronica Victorious" series?

I was calling to confirm the release

of "Veronica Victorious and the Pantaloons of Phantomloons."

Uh-huh. What do you mean you've never heard of that title?

[ Gasps ]

That means that whatever Vambre's reading is a fake!

You orderin' a pizza?

Why is Veronica so stinking sad in this book?

Look at her

A slave to our words, a slave to literature!

Literature.

Shall we startle her and make her fall in?

Shall. I mean yes.

Ugh! [ Cellphone rings ]

Noville? What's up?

Noville, you're talking a kilometer a minute.

I can't understand a -- [ Sneezes ]

Still waiting on that help, Vambre.

Aah!

[ Demonic voice ] You made me drop my precious!

Both: Gah! Aaah!

My precious!

Hey, Vambre. Vambre?

Vambre! Helmut, I think Vambre's in a quagmire.

What am I gonna do?

Stand behind your desk and blubber about it!

If you want Vambre to perish, that is. Huh!

No! I definitely don't want that.

Then don't do that!

You're right, Helmut! I can do this!

Uh, Helmut, that's not a coloring book.

That's a medical publication. In color!

Hang on, Vambre! I'm comin' for ya!

What's with all these weird letter-shaped critters?

I think they're giving me a rash.

Rash. You're supposed to repeat

my words, Gateaux.

Words. Now, how are we gonna --

Hey! Oh.

Ow! [ Growls ]

Have no fear, Witch Way is here!

Witch Way!

[ Explosions ] Oh, no!

They like shiny things!

The shiny things!

That's nice. A little help, Vambre?

Why is Veronica Victorious wearing a t-shirt

for the alternative conch band, She Sells?

[ Gasps ] I like to think the author

intended to update the character

for a contemporary audience.

Too much independent thought! We talked about this!

I guess this one's up to me. Oh, hey, I got something.

Announcer: Underpants Magisword!

Aw, sweet! Wait. Why would -- Whatever. It's mine now!

Let's test this puppy out!

[ Giggles ] Comedy gold!

[ Growls ] Okay, okay. Geez.

Oh! I just had a brilliant thinky-thought!

Shh! Okay, it wants quiet.

Okay.

[ Panting ] Oh, no!

Nice weather we're -- Small talk!

Must...avoid...small talk! Rude.

Noville, I assure you this is just, um, pumpkin guts. Yes.

Can't worry... about that...now!

Heh. He'll never know.

Your Highness!

Um, Noville, this is, like,

a really indirect route for this sorta thing.

[ Panting continues ] Don't look down! Don't look down!

Don't look down! Don't look down!

Keep it together!

Just a few more pants of under

should be enough to get us out of here!

Oh, and what of this "handsome" feline "Xateaug"?

He just swoops in from nowhere

and saves Veronica Victorious from the tar pit.

She would never need a man to rescue her!

I think Xateaug fulfills the wishes of the reader.

Reader. This situation has changed me.

[ Munching ]

Who?! Noville: Vambre!

Noville? The book is a fake!

The book is a fake?

[ Crying ] My book! My greatest work!

My beautiful book!

So, Gateaux wrote the book.

Undirope complete!

This will surely get us up the, uh -- Welp.

Actually, we both wrote the book.

Morbidia. Gateaux.

Do tell me your intent, because I'd really like to know.

Awww, dip.

We wrote a brilliant Veronica Victorious novel

to distract you. Distract.

We knew you'd be so absorbed in our fabulous fiction

that your reputation would be ruined!

[ Evil laughter ]

You shall never, ever besmirch the name of Agatha Uthor again

or you will have to answer to me.

Do I make myself clear?! Both: Uh-huh!

You two think about what you've done.

Leaving us here isn't very heroic.

You cheesed me off at a personal level!

You're magicians -- figure it out.

You figured out how to write the worst book ever.

You were reading it wrong!

But we never managed to find that contact lens.

Oh, don't be silly. I know exactly where it is.

You do? It's a contact lens.

It's right here on the "I" where it belongs!

Nice.

Noville, it was so sweet of you to come to our aid.

I know it was hard for you.

Aw, shucks, Vambre, anything for you

and also Prohyas who is also my friend, yes.

And, really, it was no trouble getting you out of that pit.

I'd say the worst part was all the social interaction

I had to endure on the way here.

[ Shudders ] I'm very proud

to call you a friend, Noville.

Eeeeee! Yay!

Announcer: Yay!

I knew I could trust you Warrior kids.

Blech! Can't stand watching someone touch their eye.

Good as new!

Y'all take care there, kids!

Now, shall we break this thing in a little more?

Uhh! Pardon. Warriors!

[ Sighs ] Haven't we seen enough of you today?

We have a business proposition for you.

Proposition.

Since you just got paid, we thought you might like

to commission a little bit more literature!

Gateaux here even has a title

to whet your cerebral appetite!

"Veronica Victorious and the Cat Who Had Feelings".

What did I tell you? [ Laughs ] Dip!

Sh-Should we run? [ Snorts ] Yes.

[ Both scream ] [ Both laugh ]

♪♪