Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [moaning]

female narrator: Recently, Darby had entered

an emotional relationship with herself

and a physical one

with a coder from an e-scooter startup.

Ezra had a good face

and zero personality,

which suited her perfectly.

- Uh.

♪ ♪

Um, I just need to stop for a second.

Sorry.

- Are you okay? - Um...

- Most people tell me I'm really good at that.

- You are. It's very good.

Um, I just feel like, um,

something's just a little off

and I just wanna, like, leave a little mystery,

you know?

So, um, I'm gonna--

[quietly] I'm gonna call you.

♪ ♪

[car horns honking]

[groaning and retching]

[coughing]

♪ ♪

- Darby, I'm so glad you called.

I've been cleaning out the house all day.

I've decided to do an emotional purge

and I need to know what you want me to do

about your Beanie Babies.

- Mom?

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah, everything's fine.

Um, I wanted to tell you

I'm about to have my appendix out.

- Should I come out there?

- No. Um, no.

I'm with Sara. She's here.

[indistinct conversation]

Um...maybe.

Yeah, if it's not too much.

- Okay, I'll get there as soon as I can.

You're gonna be okay, okay? I love you.

- Thanks. Um, I love you, Mom.

- Bye. - Okay.

[upbeat dreamy music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome back, we're getting live pictures

of the White House.

Just moments ago, President Trump made remarks...

- It's 5:00 somewhere.

- [squeals happily]

- Oh, God.

- I mean, everyone thought I was an idiot

because Jim wanted to lock it down.

- I want this chair to live under those pictures.

- Oh, okay.

- I mean, marriage doesn't mean anything.

I was married to two babies

masquerading as adults. - Okay.

- I mean, look at what happened with, uh--

with Darby and Magnus. - Oh, God.

- I mean, what a disappointing asshole he turned out to be.

- [groans softly]

- Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I just need to pee. - Okay, come here.

Let me carry you. - Oh, Mom, oh, my God.

What are you doing? - I'm gonna carry you in there.

- No, no, no. What are you--

Ow, you're making it so much worse.

- Oh, my God. Okay, calm down. Calm down.

You can put some weight on, right?

- Do you guys need help? - No.

- Just gonna go have a little tinkle.

- All right, all right, just let me--

- [sighs]

- I'm sorry you had to come all the way out here to help me.

- Oh, I didn't have to, I wanted to.

And there's a big difference, believe it or not.

One of my goals in therapy right now

is to try to be more present with the people I love.

Shana is trying to get me to understand

relationships are exchanges, right?

I mean, you can't pour from an empty cup.

- Right.

Sorry, I think I forgot how to pee.

- Oh, you know what?

That's because of the anesthesia.

Same thing happened to me after my hysterectomy.

Don't push or you'll rip your stitches out like I did.

I got this one wiry chin hair

and I swear, it grows back overnight.

[urine trickling]

Okay, honey, now I have to go. Come on, hurry.

I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go.

- Okay. - Come on.

[sighs] - Mom.

[urine trickling]

- Hey, can I steal some of this?

- Yeah, of course.

- I have to go meet this 17-year-old YouTube star

from Toronto named DJ Fuckboy.

- [chuckling] No.

- The future of music is bleak, dude.

- Are you gonna come back after that?

- No, I can't.

I have to go to this show in Hell's Kitchen.

- Wait, so you're gonna leave me alone with Claudia?

- I mean, she's keeping it pretty even keel.

- But I turn into, like, the most obnoxious

14-year-old version of myself when we're alone.

Please stay and be a buffer.

She loves, you, so it's like win for everybody.

- You know, you should just be grateful that she, like,

wants to be here for you.

I mean, I don't even know where my mom lives.

She's afraid to call me

'cause she thinks the IRS is gonna use the cell signal

to track her down.

- I'm sorry, I'll stop bitching.

- No, it's okay.

I didn't meant to shame you.

I'm in a really weird mood.

I don't--

[softly] I think I really fucked things up with Jim.

- No, come on.

You guys can work it out. You should reach out.

- I just really miss him a lot.

- Yeah, I know.

- Ugh, okay, I gotta roll.

But I am gonna bum some vitamins for the road.

- Go for it.

- I love you, Darby.

- I love you too.

You know, you can call me anytime.

- Yeah, thanks. I'll see you.

Bye, queen.

- Take care, Sara. What do I do, this?

- Yeah. [mimics explosion] - Is that right?

- Yes! - Yes, queen.

Bye. [door shuts]

- That Sara's a good friend. - Mm.

- I wish I had a Sara.

How are you feeling?

Are you hungry? - Not really.

- How about a peanut butter and jelly?

Honey, don't store your peanut butter over the stove,

because the heat rises

and you can melt the plastic in the jar, okay?

And that--that leaches toxins straight into your brain.

Do you ever hear anything about Magnus?

- Well...

I heard that he was, like, living with this woman

three months after we split.

- [sighs] - Right?

- Wow.

That must've hurt to have him move on so fast.

After he all but held you hostage

and took your best years.

At least with your dad, I got you.

- Mom, it was two years. It's not a big deal.

- Two important ones.

Well, I just--I think you need to just get back out there

and meet somebody new and have some fun.

- I'm having fun.

I'm actually seeing this guy, Ezra.

- Okay, come on and sit in here now

and take a look at this little feng shui project

I've been working on.

Let me help you. - Oh, it's okay, Mom.

It's okay, it's okay. - Honey, I came all this way.

Let me help you. If--

- Great.

- You can lean on me.

- Looks great in here. - Yeah?

- Mm-hmm. - Do you like it?

What do you think of that little table over there?

- It's cool. It's really cool. - Right?

[chuckles] - [groans]

Look at us. Just a couple of divorcees.

[chuckles]

It's kind of fun.

It reminds me

of the time we went to Big Bear with your Girl Scout troop.

Remember what a good time we had, hmm?

- When I got poison ivy?

- Oh, you did not get poison ivy, Darby.

You got heat rash.

- No, you said I had heat rash

because you didn't want to miss the horseback riding.

- Because that was the only activity you wanted to do.

You were scared of the ropes course,

you didn't want to go in the lake, not that I blame you,

that water did look very funky.

- Well, thanks for reminding me of all that,

'cause I had managed to block it out of my memory completely.

- You did? I thought you loved it.

I loved it.

I felt so...

bonded to you.

You were glued to my hip.

- Mom.

That's nice.

I didn't know that.

- Did I tell you that Grandma Janet

got propositioned by a trainer at Equinox?

- Well, I mean, good for Grandma, right?

- Well, that's what I said.

If my mother can still attract male attention,

then what the hell's my excuse?

So look what I did.

- Oh, my God, Mom, are you on Tinder?

Tinder's, like, kinda hardcore.

- Well, you don't have to have sex with every person

you meet on Tinder, Darby.

You can just go and get a cup of coffee.

- I know that. I'm not--

I know how a dating app works.

I'm not doing that.

Sorry, I'm gonna take a nap, I think.

I'm just tired.

And thank you for the thing with the furniture, Mom.

- Okay, what don't you lay down on the couch

and we can catch up on "The Voice?"

- Oh, no, I don't think I can even keep my eyes open.

- Okay, all right, well-- well, I'll read, okay?

And you just-- you just snuggle up.

Come on, we'll keep each other warm.

I won't make a peep. Come on.

- Okay.

- There we go. And the blanket.

[whispering] Have you ever heard of Brené Brown?

I'm reading her books and they've really helped me

make sense of my divorce.

I'm gonna leave them here for you.

- Okay.

- She's a shame and vulnerability researcher.

How cool is that?

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, it's Jim. Please leave me a message.

- The mailbox is full

and cannot accept any messages at this time.

Good-bye. - God damn it.

[phone clatters] Oh, no!

Motherfuck!

Shit.

[vacuum whirring loudly]

[vacuum shuts off]

- Good morning, sunshine.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. Did I wake you up?

- It's okay, um, I needed to get up anyway.

I have a lot of work to do.

- Oh, well, I told my office, I said,

"Don't even think about calling me while I'm here."

I haven't taken vacation in five years.

Honey, is your heat on? - Yeah, I was freezing.

- Well, you need more meat on your bones.

Okay. - [groans softly]

- All right, let's wrap you up in this blanket here.

- Oh, no, Mom, I don't keep this blanket out.

- This is a beautiful blanket.

- Mom, this was Magnus's. I'm getting rid of this.

- Roger that. Ooh.

Oh, goodness.

Well, now, if you're sure that this

is something that you're not gonna want,

I bet Hunter would love to have it.

Have you spoken to Hunter recently?

- He doesn't answer my texts.

- Oh, my God. I'm so relieved

it's not just me. - [chuckles]

- I have been so worried about him

since he dropped out of NYU.

Right now,

he's sleeping in a hammock

in some co-op in Bushmills or some place.

- Bushwick, Mom.

- Whatever.

He's just, you know,

wasting the most important years of his life

with a bunch of climate change activist stoner bozos.

- Mom, you can relax, you know? You're not on the clock.

- Oh, honey, you know that I can't sit still.

Now, um, these pictures here, are these keep or toss?

- Oh, careful with those, Mom, please?

Those are prints for work.

Lola's coming by to take them to the framer.

- You're gonna frame these?

- What's wrong with them?

- There's just a lot of gratuitous nudity,

wouldn't you say?

- Well, those are the selects

for the show that I'm curating at Lola's gallery.

- Oh, what show? - I told you about it.

I've been working on it for, like, two months.

All the pieces are by female- identifying photographers.

- Yeah, I just--I thought things were going so well

at that million-dollar teacup place.

- They were.

I wanted more autonomy and this is my first show.

This is kind of a big deal for me.

- Oh, well, if you're happy, honey, then I am happy for you.

- Okay.

You can be proud of me, too, 'cause it's good.

- No, I am proud.

Now, when you say, um,

female-identifying,

does that include lesbians and transsexuals?

- Transgender women, yes.

And lesbians are also women, so--

- Okay, what am I thinking of?

- I don't know. - Yes, you do.

You know, like your dad's sister, Sherry.

- Butch? - Yes, butch.

- Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Uh, Lola,

I think you were duped by the Chelsea Market.

There's more hay in here than food.

- [chuckles]

- Cheers. - Oh.

- Darby here is on Schedule II narcotics,

so she won't be imbibing today.

- That is some deep pharma knowledge

you got there, Claudia.

- Oh, any good mother who's raised teenagers

knows her xannies from her oxys.

- [chuckles] You know, Ruby's only four

and I'm already dreading her teen years.

- Darby here was pretty good,

but, yeah, everything was the end of the world for her.

- Well, she turned out fabulously.

I mean, she's got a great eye for art.

- She does, doesn't she? - Mm-hmm.

- Darby was always my creative child.

- Lola, do we still feel good about Azadeh's stuff?

- Yeah.

- I think they're very interesting.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh.

Earlier you said it was gratuitous.

- No, I--[scoffs]

I was just kidding. Darby, you are so sensitive.

Do you know that I used to do some nude modeling in college?

- Mom, I'm not sensitive. I just--I'm stressed.

We have a show in a week and I just--

just everything can't be about you right now.

I just need to focus.

[sighs]

- I'll let you girls do your thing.

I'm gonna swing by the grocery.

- There's a bodega on the corner.

- Those places aren't sanitary.

I'm gonna go to Whole Foods.

They have one on "Hyooston."

- Houston's kind of far, Mom. - Well, I need the exercise.

- Do you need directions or something?

- No, I take the Orange Line.

You're not the only one

who knows how to navigate a big city, Darby,

Lola, it was just wonderful to meet you.

- It was great meeting you too, Claudia.

- Will you at least take my MetroCard?

[door slams]

Sorry, she just makes me fucking crazy.

♪ ♪

narrator: Darby was not a planned pregnancy.

Neither was Claudia.

Claudia's mother had gotten pregnant at 16,

and despite the fact that her boyfriend had urged her

to "just take care of it,"

their daughter Claudia was born shortly thereafter.

♪ ♪

The home was mostly filled with resentment

and by the time Claudia was 10 years old,

her mother had moved into a private room

at the back of the house.

Little Claudia was mostly left to fend for herself.

But she carried the longing for love heavy in her body

and into her own particular brand of mothering.

♪ ♪

- [breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

Um...

I need help. - Okay, okay,

what do you need help with? - [breathing heavily]

- Deep breaths. Just stay calm.

- Hey. - Where do you want to go?

- Wasn't that supposed to be you up there?

- It was supposed to be me. - What happened?

- Well, he said that he had access.

He had special access and could guarantee, just, like,

I'm gonna be able to get you something.

[indistinct chatter]

- Nicolette. Happy goddamn birthday.

Congrats on the big 3-0!

- Sara, wow. - Hi.

- Oh, wow. Hi. It's...been a while.

- Yeah. Oh, I brought you a gift.

It's not wrapped, but you were just gonna unwrap it anyway,

so I saved a tree.

- Cool.

Um...

Can I get you a drink or something?

- Yeah, a beer would be great. Or tequila.

- Sure, yeah.

- Um, is there a place I can put my jacket?

- Uh, sure, yeah.

Just, uh, on the bed in there is great.

- Okay, cool.

- I'm so sorry, I didn't invite her.

I have no idea what she's doing.

Sara. - Oh, my God, James. Hi!

- What the hell are you doing here?

- I'm celebrating Nicolette's birthday.

- Are you kidding? No, you're crashing it.

- What?

No, she invited me.

- Please don't. Just don't--don't do that.

- Oh, my God. Fine.

You forgot to change your Paperless Post password.

It's still SyracuseHoops420.

- Okay, so you're literally stalking me right now?

I mean, d-do you have any idea how insane that is?

- Baby, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to get in touch with you.

You haven't picked up any of my calls

or returned any of my texts.

- Yeah, because we broke up.

- I know, but

I've been thinking about it and

I don't know, I think that New Jersey could be cool.

Like, maybe we should have kids.

- Jesus Christ.

- What?

- Why are you doing this?

- I'm being serious.

- No, Sara, you don't want to move to New Jersey.

Even if you did want to move there,

you know, we're so far past that at this point.

- See, I don't think we are.

- You're not getting it. I'm sorry, you're just not.

- Look, come on, baby. I miss you a lot.

And I think we could fix things.

- I don't want to fix things.

Look, I've had a lot of time to think about this, okay,

and it breaks my heart,

but we are just on different paths right now.

Like, I'm looking to embrace responsibility, okay?

And you want to, like, set it on fire, right?

Like, it doesn't mean anything to you.

- Okay, well, you don't have to be a dick, Jim.

We can still be fucking friends.

- No, we can't.

Not right now.

Maybe later, I don't--

I don't know.

- Okay, whatever. I should go.

- No, Sara, I'm sorry.

- And Jim, I did have an abortion in college,

so fuck you.

[soul music playing]

♪ ♪

- What happened? What took you so long?

- I went to Brooklyn.

- You what?

- Where did those flowers come from?

- Oh, Dad sent them. Wasn't that sweet?

- What a hero.

- Well, Mom, how did you end up in Brooklyn?

- The train went the wrong way.

- Okay...

- I had a panic attack

and I did not travel with my CBD

because I didn't know what the laws were here.

- Well, why didn't you just call me?

- Why are you mad at me?

I get to be mad at you.

If you hadn't been so ugly to me,

we could've gone together.

- I'm recovering from surgery.

It's not my fault that you got lost.

You got lost because you don't listen.

You don't listen to anyone ever.

- Darby, I dropped everything in my life

so that I could be here for you

because I know what it's like to be alone and with nobody

when you're going through a terrible time.

- If you want to be here for me,

you have to be here for me.

You can't come and make my life harder than it already is.

- How am I making your life harder?

- Okay, let's just take some space, okay?

Okay?

- No, no, no, I get it. I'm a terrible mother.

- [scoffs]

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

narrator: Darby would never pick up the books

her mother left behind,

but if she had, she might have read a passage that said

that narcissism, when examined with compassion,

is a trait that comes from not feeling special enough

to deserve love, belonging, or a sense of purpose.

♪ ♪

- [sniffling]

[gasps] Oh, shit.

[sighs and sniffles]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

♪ ♪

- Hunter?

Hi, sweetie. How are you?

[zipper zips, clothes rustle]

- Mm.

- Would you mind giving me directions to Midtown?

- Mom. - I need to get to the Hilton.

- Don't go to a hotel. - It's already done.

I booked it with my credit card points

and I can't get them back.

- Mom, I am very sorry about yesterday.

I'm going through a lot.

You know, being with Magnus and divorcing Magnus--

- Well, you're living in a mausoleum.

And that doesn't help.

- It's rent-stabilized, which is--[sighs]

I'm really grateful that you came out here to help me

and really, I just want to enjoy

the rest of the time that we have

'cause I know that we don't get to do this very often.

So maybe today, you know,

anything you want to do in the whole city,

let's just do it.

- Oh, I know what we could do.

Hunter said he has a window between 11:00 and 2:00

and I really wanted to get him a mattress.

- You got it, Mom.

- Okay, honey, let's try the breathable topper.

You know you sleep so sweaty.

- I could care less, Mom.

You can just pick something out for me.

- Okay, well, is it comfortable?

That's what I'm asking. - [sighs]

[farts] - Oh, Hunter! Come on.

- You asked if it was comfortable.

- [coughs] A fart is not an answer.

You're making this very difficult.

Come on, let's go try the extra firm, okay?

So you don't get sciatica like your dad,

although that's really due to poor posture

and flabby muscle tone.

- You should buy property in Bushwick.

You'd hate it now, but it's gonna pop like Williamsburg.

- I have no interest in living

in a possibly-developing neighborhood.

- I'll be the landlord. - [laughs]

- You can use my college money for the down payment.

- I am not buying my 20-year-old son

a party pad in Brooklyn. No, sir.

I don't even know if you can put sheets on this mattress.

- Major opportunity, Mom. That's all I'm gonna say.

- Okay, all right.

Well, if you see a link, then send it to me.

- Dude, you okay? - [sniffling]

- Darby, what's the matter?

- Um, nothing.

- Is it the meds? - I don't know. [sniffles]

Um...

I just, um...

Nobody ever bought me a mattress.

- [scoffs] What in the world?

When did you need a mattress?

- [sniffling] Like, when I first moved here.

I had to buy this, like, $80 IKEA mattress on layaway.

And, like, haul it up from Red Hook on a ferry.

- You can have my mattress, Darbs.

- Thank you, that's not-- it's not about the mattress.

I just, I don't know. Um--[sniffles]

Why can't you just connect with me?

- What? I don't understand. I'm here.

I took a week off to be here for you, Darby,

at a very inopportune time for me, professionally.

- Okay.

So, like, you're here, but it's like,

it's like you're not really here, you know?

I feel like your audience. I feel like I could be anybody.

- That's not true. - Okay.

It's how I feel, though. [sniffles]

Can I just have my fucking feelings?

- Well, what about my feelings?

Okay, I feel like you don't ever want me around.

- That's not true.

- Well, you see, it cuts both ways, missy.

- Okay, okay.

So maybe I have a wall up.

It's 'cause I feel like

I need to protect myself from you.

- What does that even mean?

- I don't know, I just--

I feel like you're either criticizing me

or overwhelming me.

- Well, because I don't know what to do.

I can't get in there to even try to love you.

- You shouldn't have to try. You're my mom.

- It's not as easy as you think.

You're gonna find out one day. - Okay.

I'm not attacking you.

I'm not trying to make you feel like a bad person.

- You know what?

It's like the Big Bear trip, right?

I thought we had this special moment.

And you didn't receive any of that.

- Honestly...

It's 'cause I'm just waiting for you to, like,

flip it on me somehow,

or take it away.

- Oh, God.

Oh, Shana said that that's a pattern of mine.

Because I don't trust anyone to just stay with me.

She thinks I'm so afraid

of rejection...

that I reject the other person first.

- Mom, that makes me so sad.

- I'm sad too.

And I'm so lonely.

My children have grown and left me,

my second husband just divorced me

because he said that I was mean.

I swear, Darby, it's like you cross 50

and nobody even wants you.

- I want you.

I've always wanted you.

- I tried to be a good mother to you,

but I didn't have that kind of connection with my mother.

So maybe I just didn't know how to do it.

- Oh, Mom.

- Do you think I'm mean, Darby?

- No.

No, I don't think you're mean. [sniffles]

I think you're fucking crazy. [chuckling]

[both sniffling]

- Well, I'm glad we're doing this now.

- Me too.

- I'm so proud of you, Darby.

And I'm so sorry that you didn't know that.

You just amaze me.

You've grown into this brave,

resilient, independent woman.

You make me look like I did a good job.

- Wow. [laughs]

I think the therapy's, like, working out, Mom.

- God, I hope so, because Shana charges $190 a session.

She won't take insurance. - [chuckles]

[soft upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, I think I found one.

It's bamboo, hypoallergenic,

Oeko-Tex certified.

[sighs] - Comfy?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Let's try.

- It is comfortable.

Shit, I want one.

- It's pretty cush, right?

- Nice try, buddy. It's $3,000.

[notification chimes] [gasps]

♪ ♪

Guess who just got a match?

- Really? Let me see.

- Mom, what are you doing on Tinder?

- Oh, like I don't know

what you're gonna be doing on this bed, please.

- I'm gonna keep looking.

- Let me see.

[gasps] He's cute.

He's like a less creepy Jack Nicholson.

- Mm. - You should write him back.

- Oh, no. I don't know, Darby.

Look at his profile. It says he's a Deadhead.

- Mom, you cannot be that picky

if you want to find somebody nice.

- Well, I don't know what to say.

- Can I help?

♪ ♪

Okay.

- Should I say, um, my first husband was a Deadhead?

narrator: Love is alchemy,

nebulous, a life force unto itself.

The way a daughter experiences the love of her mother

will forever color the lens

through which she gives and receives love

of all kinds.

narrator: That day was the beginning

of Darby seeing Claudia for what she had to give

rather than what she didn't,

therein unlocking an essential corner of her own heart.

♪ ♪