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1
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Please don't execute me.
2
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It is such a waste of my lovely woman's body.
3
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I've got years of shagging in me.
4
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Why chop off my head when thou could...
5
00:01:51,114 --> 00:01:55,198
lift up my dress and look at my front bottom?
6
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Phwoar! I'm not gonna kill you!
7
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CHEERING
8
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:04,530
Sir...
9
00:02:04,531 --> 00:02:06,864
I owe thou a shag.
10
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Oh...
11
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- ALL:
- Large!
12
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HE GULPS
13
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Kevin? >
14
00:02:23,531 --> 00:02:26,571
- Kevin!
- Wuuurrrgh!
15
00:02:26,572 --> 00:02:31,530
- How's your homework going?
- Fine, until you came in. Oh!
16
00:02:31,531 --> 00:02:34,654
Bring this mess down when you come.
17
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,821
I'm not your slave!
18
00:02:37,822 --> 00:02:40,863
Don't talk to your mother like that.
19
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MIMICS: Don't talk to your mother like that!
20
00:02:46,155 --> 00:02:47,364
HE SNORTS
21
00:02:51,447 --> 00:02:53,363
Oh...
22
00:02:53,364 --> 00:02:56,030
So unfair...
23
00:03:05,363 --> 00:03:08,821
"Dear diary. Sorry I've never written in you.
24
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:11,905
"I have higher things on my mind."
25
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:20,946
"If I did write down my thoughts, you would be a bestseller.
26
00:03:20,947 --> 00:03:24,946
"I am a teenage genius, unrecognised by the world.
27
00:03:24,947 --> 00:03:30,029
"The only person who understands me is my best mate Perry."
28
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All right, Kev.
29
00:03:31,696 --> 00:03:35,820
"He is joyful in his understanding of my wisdom."
30
00:03:35,821 --> 00:03:38,029
Your jacket's inside out.
31
00:03:38,030 --> 00:03:42,612
I do know. I don't conform to conventional dress patterns.
32
00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:46,779
"Until Perry met me, he was but a humble peasant,
33
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"but now he is top."
34
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Respect.
35
00:03:55,946 --> 00:04:00,737
"We are only free to express our philosophy through our mixes."
36
00:04:00,738 --> 00:04:02,612
# All I wanna do is do it
37
00:04:02,613 --> 00:04:04,070
# Big girl, big girl
38
00:04:04,071 --> 00:04:05,653
# All I wanna do is do it
39
00:04:05,654 --> 00:04:07,070
# Big girl, big girl
40
00:04:07,071 --> 00:04:09,237
# All I wanna do is do it
41
00:04:09,238 --> 00:04:10,612
# Big girl, big girl
42
00:04:10,613 --> 00:04:13,029
# Big girl, big girl, big girl... #
43
00:04:17,988 --> 00:04:20,529
Kevin! Turn it down!
44
00:04:22,279 --> 00:04:24,779
MUSIC GETS LOUDER
45
00:04:29,904 --> 00:04:35,486
"When we are top DJs, my senile parents will surely eat their pants."
46
00:04:35,487 --> 00:04:40,070
- You're a genius, darling!
- You certainly proved us wrong.
47
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:42,987
I sure did. Huh!
48
00:04:44,987 --> 00:04:46,986
Thanks. Will you shag me?
49
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,736
OK.
50
00:04:49,737 --> 00:04:52,946
- GIRLS:
- Shag me!
51
00:04:55,362 --> 00:05:00,319
"For, dear diary, there is pain behind my genius.
52
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,319
"My teenage heart is broken.
53
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:07,361
"I've been up for it for three bloody years,
54
00:05:07,362 --> 00:05:11,528
"but no girl has yet let me go the whole way."
55
00:05:11,529 --> 00:05:14,279
HE HOWLS
56
00:05:24,779 --> 00:05:27,403
HOWLING
57
00:05:37,487 --> 00:05:39,695
HOWLING
58
00:05:46,945 --> 00:05:49,820
HOWLING CONTINUES
59
00:05:54,112 --> 00:05:56,652
- You got it?
- Yeah.
60
00:05:56,653 --> 00:06:00,528
- I get the goods, you give him that.
- Go, go, go.
61
00:06:06,236 --> 00:06:07,570
Go, go, go.
62
00:06:13,945 --> 00:06:16,153
This, please.
63
00:06:17,153 --> 00:06:19,070
Wurrrgh!
64
00:06:31,028 --> 00:06:33,153
£3.99, please.
65
00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:37,403
Thank you!
66
00:06:39,444 --> 00:06:41,569
KEVIN GASPS
67
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:52,318
You were scared of the pigs.
68
00:06:52,319 --> 00:06:55,401
- I ain't.
- They're scared of me.
69
00:06:55,402 --> 00:06:59,026
- I rule this manor. I'm hard.
- There's your dad.
70
00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:00,485
KEVIN YELPS
71
00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:01,944
No!
72
00:07:11,152 --> 00:07:12,943
Are you all right, Kevin?
73
00:07:12,944 --> 00:07:16,485
Oh... Hi, Dad. Yeah, fine, thanks.
74
00:07:16,486 --> 00:07:18,193
Why are you lying there?
75
00:07:18,194 --> 00:07:21,444
I'm a bit tired. I need a sleep.
76
00:07:22,444 --> 00:07:25,819
We're knackered, Mr Porno-P-Patterson.
77
00:07:27,319 --> 00:07:28,694
Yawn.
78
00:07:34,735 --> 00:07:37,901
"Debbie from London loves clubbing.
79
00:07:37,902 --> 00:07:42,526
"I go to Ibiza every year for the clubs and the carefree sex.
80
00:07:42,527 --> 00:07:48,276
"It's fantastic. Everyone gets off with everyone else. It is so horny."
81
00:07:48,277 --> 00:07:50,817
- I love her, Kev.
- That's it!
82
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,234
What?
83
00:07:52,235 --> 00:07:55,609
We are DJs. Where do DJs go for the summer?
84
00:07:55,610 --> 00:07:56,817
Ibiza.
85
00:07:56,818 --> 00:08:01,442
And all girls who go to Ibiza shag anyone, especially DJs.
86
00:08:01,443 --> 00:08:04,526
So where are we going to go?
87
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:09,735
Ibiza? What, you think you deserve to go to Ibiza after this?
88
00:08:10,735 --> 00:08:12,234
HE MUMBLES
89
00:08:12,235 --> 00:08:16,984
It's worse than we expected. "Kevin lacks application.
90
00:08:16,985 --> 00:08:18,942
- "Is still a virgin..."
- What?
91
00:08:18,943 --> 00:08:24,275
"Is still emerging from a rebellious phase that shows no sign of ending."
92
00:08:24,276 --> 00:08:27,650
- Huh!
- It's just awful, isn't it?
93
00:08:27,651 --> 00:08:31,442
What have you got to say for yourself?
94
00:08:31,443 --> 00:08:35,025
So can we go to Ibiza?
95
00:08:35,026 --> 00:08:37,942
I think I've answered that! No!
96
00:08:37,943 --> 00:08:40,984
Oh! That is so unfair!
97
00:08:40,985 --> 00:08:43,484
Mum...
98
00:08:43,485 --> 00:08:45,275
- Perhaps if...
- I said no!
99
00:08:45,276 --> 00:08:47,233
Ugh!
100
00:08:47,234 --> 00:08:52,442
- What your father says goes.
- Ugh! Ugh! I can't take any more!
101
00:08:52,443 --> 00:08:58,608
I'm adopted! My real parents couldn't possibly treat me like this!
102
00:08:58,609 --> 00:09:00,734
I hate you!
103
00:09:01,776 --> 00:09:02,942
'Scuse me...
104
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:06,608
I'm running away! Goodbye for ever!
105
00:09:06,609 --> 00:09:10,233
- You leave no room to compromise.
- DOOR SLAMS
106
00:09:10,234 --> 00:09:14,650
- Compromise with that?
- He has nothing to look forward to!
107
00:09:14,651 --> 00:09:19,108
- He deserves it.
- He'll be impossible all holiday!
108
00:09:19,109 --> 00:09:24,026
'Scuse me, Mr and Mrs Patterson. Erm... Could I have a jam sandwich?
109
00:09:25,942 --> 00:09:28,526
WHIMPERING
110
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:37,026
CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS
111
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:55,566
Kevin left us a note,
112
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:57,941
to remember him by.
113
00:09:57,942 --> 00:10:02,941
It is typical of the Kevin we all knew,
114
00:10:02,942 --> 00:10:05,274
loved,
115
00:10:05,275 --> 00:10:08,150
and in many cases, shagged.
116
00:10:13,317 --> 00:10:17,816
"I'm killing myself because I'm too good for this world.
117
00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:22,317
"A prophet is never understood in his own land, innit?
118
00:10:24,192 --> 00:10:27,524
"Soft friends, don't be sad.
119
00:10:27,525 --> 00:10:32,524
"I've gone to a better place, where you never have to tidy your room,
120
00:10:32,525 --> 00:10:37,483
"a place where your parents buy you new Nike trainers every week."
121
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:44,274
"I didn't mean to cause you any pain, Mum...
122
00:10:44,275 --> 00:10:47,941
"but you shouldn't have made me wash."
123
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,691
- SOBBING:
- Kevin!
124
00:10:52,691 --> 00:10:54,857
Kevin!
125
00:10:54,858 --> 00:10:59,107
Yeah. I'm dead now. Yeah.
126
00:10:59,108 --> 00:11:01,233
Oh, Kevin!
127
00:11:02,233 --> 00:11:05,358
Kevin, tea's ready!
128
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,315
HE SIGHS
129
00:11:08,316 --> 00:11:09,400
HE FARTS
130
00:11:16,274 --> 00:11:20,773
How nice you've come back. We thought you'd gone for ever.
131
00:11:20,774 --> 00:11:22,608
Eeeuurrrgghhh!
132
00:11:27,399 --> 00:11:31,523
We've decided... that you can both go to Ibiza.
133
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,815
BOTH: Come on!
134
00:11:32,816 --> 00:11:36,440
Provided you get a job to pay for it.
135
00:11:36,441 --> 00:11:40,773
What are you talking about? YOU pay for my holidays.
136
00:11:40,774 --> 00:11:43,648
That's what parents are for!
137
00:11:43,649 --> 00:11:48,440
- Our lives are about more than that.
- Don't be so ridiculous.
138
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:51,773
Pass the salt, please, Kevin.
139
00:11:51,774 --> 00:11:54,315
I am not your slave!
140
00:11:54,316 --> 00:11:57,940
This is what happens when you compromise!
141
00:11:57,941 --> 00:12:02,731
Do you know what the trouble with you two is? You're so alike!
142
00:12:02,732 --> 00:12:05,774
BOTH: What?! That is so unfair!
143
00:12:15,232 --> 00:12:19,439
- You want ME to give YOU a job?
- Yeah. HE WHISTLES
144
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,523
Please.
145
00:12:20,524 --> 00:12:23,314
- Do you know the store?
- Yeah.
146
00:12:23,315 --> 00:12:25,064
Where do you find punk?
147
00:12:25,065 --> 00:12:27,357
On my sheets.
148
00:12:34,190 --> 00:12:36,939
Spunk. Pp-pp!
149
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:39,523
MUSIC: "Ooh La La" by The Wiseguys
150
00:12:41,273 --> 00:12:42,689
# Come on!
151
00:12:42,690 --> 00:12:46,315
# Come on! Come on!
152
00:12:48,690 --> 00:12:51,272
# Say ooh la la, say zoom
153
00:12:51,273 --> 00:12:52,439
# Come on! Come on!
154
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,147
# Say ooh la la, say zoom
155
00:12:55,148 --> 00:12:56,481
# Come on! Come on!
156
00:12:56,482 --> 00:12:58,731
# Say ooh la la... #
157
00:12:58,732 --> 00:13:00,981
Finished!
158
00:13:00,982 --> 00:13:05,398
Well done, boys. Here's one for you and one for you.
159
00:13:07,981 --> 00:13:10,981
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
160
00:13:14,731 --> 00:13:17,522
We're not cut out for manual work.
161
00:13:17,523 --> 00:13:19,855
Intellectuals aren't.
162
00:13:19,856 --> 00:13:23,147
- I've got too many great thoughts...
- Mopeds!
163
00:13:23,148 --> 00:13:24,772
- Cider!
- Party!
164
00:13:24,773 --> 00:13:28,315
- I can see her bra!
- Bra? Where? Oh, yeah!
165
00:13:29,815 --> 00:13:33,147
MUSIC: "King of Snake" by Fatboy Slim Remix
166
00:13:33,148 --> 00:13:34,730
# Dogman and the king of snake
167
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,730
# King of snake, king of snake
168
00:13:36,731 --> 00:13:38,355
# Dogman and the king of snake
169
00:13:38,356 --> 00:13:40,022
# King of snake
170
00:13:40,023 --> 00:13:41,647
# Dogman and the king of snake
171
00:13:41,648 --> 00:13:43,855
# King of snake, king of snake
172
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:45,230
# 24 hours with the king of snake
173
00:13:45,231 --> 00:13:46,480
# Snake, snake, snake
174
00:13:46,481 --> 00:13:48,647
# Snake, snake, snake, snake
175
00:13:48,648 --> 00:13:50,981
# Snake, snake, snake, snake... #
176
00:14:21,022 --> 00:14:23,563
Oh, man...
177
00:14:23,564 --> 00:14:27,022
Oh... Oh, my head...
178
00:14:52,772 --> 00:14:54,271
SHE GROANS
179
00:14:54,272 --> 00:14:57,147
Oh, hi, baby.
180
00:15:00,730 --> 00:15:06,105
MUSIC: "I'm In The Mood For Love" by Jools Holland featuring Jamiroquai
181
00:15:10,813 --> 00:15:14,229
# I'm in the mood for love
182
00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:18,354
# Simply because you're near me
183
00:15:18,355 --> 00:15:22,396
# Funny but when you're near me
184
00:15:22,397 --> 00:15:25,563
# I'm in the mood for love
185
00:15:26,563 --> 00:15:29,729
# Heaven is in your eyes
186
00:15:29,730 --> 00:15:33,146
# Bright as the stars we're under
187
00:15:33,980 --> 00:15:36,730
# Oh, is it any wonder
188
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:41,104
# I'm in the mood for love
189
00:15:41,105 --> 00:15:45,145
# Why stop to think of whether
190
00:15:45,146 --> 00:15:48,730
# This little dream might fade
191
00:15:49,646 --> 00:15:52,520
# We'll put our hearts together
192
00:15:52,521 --> 00:15:56,396
# Now we're one, I'm not afraid...
193
00:16:08,646 --> 00:16:09,938
Kev!
194
00:16:12,229 --> 00:16:14,395
Good morning, Perry.
195
00:16:14,396 --> 00:16:16,938
PERRY CHUCKLES
196
00:16:18,063 --> 00:16:19,854
KEVIN CHUCKLES
197
00:16:24,063 --> 00:16:26,311
- Did you shag her?
- Yeah.
198
00:16:26,312 --> 00:16:29,978
- You shagged Sharon?
- Only three times. PERRY WHISTLES
199
00:16:29,979 --> 00:16:31,062
Cor.
200
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:40,771
- So you've done it with a girl, then?
- Yeah. I stuck it up her good.
201
00:16:44,146 --> 00:16:47,395
That mean you don't want to go to Ibiza?
202
00:16:47,396 --> 00:16:51,686
Now you don't need to go to Ibiza for a guaranteed shag.
203
00:16:51,687 --> 00:16:54,645
I'll get a shag here, probably.
204
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:59,811
No, we can still go to Ibiza. I can always do more shagging.
205
00:16:59,812 --> 00:17:05,603
Oh. Thanks, Kev. You're a mate. But how are we going to get the money?
206
00:17:05,604 --> 00:17:08,853
It's all in the mind. We're DJs.
207
00:17:08,854 --> 00:17:12,645
We can earn our money on the street.
208
00:17:24,895 --> 00:17:26,561
# All I wanna do is do it
209
00:17:26,562 --> 00:17:28,144
# Big girl, big girl
210
00:17:28,145 --> 00:17:29,727
# All I wanna do is do it
211
00:17:29,728 --> 00:17:31,352
# Big girl, big girl
212
00:17:31,353 --> 00:17:32,852
# All I wanna do is do it
213
00:17:32,853 --> 00:17:35,519
# Big girl, big girl, big girl
214
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,978
- # Big girl, big girl, big girl...
- Oi!
215
00:17:38,978 --> 00:17:40,394
I want a word.
216
00:17:40,395 --> 00:17:43,602
Oh... Hi, darling. How's it going?
217
00:17:43,603 --> 00:17:47,436
- Did you say you shagged me?
- No...
218
00:17:47,437 --> 00:17:50,436
Yeah, you bloody did. Stacey heard you.
219
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:53,602
N-No... I didn't.
220
00:17:53,603 --> 00:17:56,894
I wouldn't shag you, you sad twat.
221
00:17:56,895 --> 00:18:01,353
Say anything like that again and I'll smack ya! Virgin!
222
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:09,102
You said you shagged her three times.
223
00:18:09,103 --> 00:18:12,435
Shut up! I'm getting outta here.
224
00:18:12,436 --> 00:18:15,728
This place is full of losers.
225
00:18:19,353 --> 00:18:22,353
ALL CHANT: Virgins! Virgins!
226
00:18:34,394 --> 00:18:38,060
Girls here don't appreciate our musical genius.
227
00:18:38,061 --> 00:18:41,685
- What we going to do?
- I don't know.
228
00:18:41,686 --> 00:18:45,018
It's all gone Pete Tong.
229
00:18:45,019 --> 00:18:48,102
Registered letter for your father.
230
00:18:48,103 --> 00:18:51,727
- Will you sign for it?
- Yeah, sure.
231
00:19:01,769 --> 00:19:03,018
Cheers.
232
00:19:03,019 --> 00:19:05,643
Thank you.
233
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:09,144
Perry! We're saved!
234
00:19:10,894 --> 00:19:14,393
We get the money and go to Ibiza. Sorted.
235
00:19:14,394 --> 00:19:18,018
It's your dad's credit card. It's stealing.
236
00:19:18,019 --> 00:19:21,269
We'll go to prison and get buggered.
237
00:19:23,185 --> 00:19:25,934
You will. You're small.
238
00:19:25,935 --> 00:19:28,559
I'll be all right. KEVIN GASPS
239
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,352
Eurggh! Virgins!
240
00:19:33,102 --> 00:19:38,059
I'm not staying here. We'll pay him back when we're top DJs.
241
00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:40,810
- Are you in or out?
- In.
242
00:19:43,352 --> 00:19:46,268
- Aaarrgh!
- Shut your noise!
243
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:49,184
You two! Move, now! Move!
244
00:19:49,185 --> 00:19:52,351
Put your hands up! Keep your mouths shut!
245
00:19:52,352 --> 00:19:55,852
- You! Sit down and put your hands up.
- THEY WHIMPER
246
00:19:56,393 --> 00:19:59,310
You, fill that up.
247
00:20:10,768 --> 00:20:12,684
ALARM BLARES
248
00:20:12,685 --> 00:20:15,018
Money, now. Come on!
249
00:20:36,393 --> 00:20:41,017
On behalf of the bank, thank you. Enjoy that reward money.
250
00:20:41,018 --> 00:20:43,100
BOTH: Thank you.
251
00:20:43,101 --> 00:20:46,433
If you want a job, give me a ring.
252
00:20:46,434 --> 00:20:51,433
Banking offers many exciting opportunities for virgins like you.
253
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:53,933
BOTH: Thank you. Thank you. Eh?
254
00:20:53,934 --> 00:20:56,767
We're very proud of you.
255
00:20:56,768 --> 00:21:00,433
- It was really public spirited.
- Kevin...
256
00:21:00,434 --> 00:21:04,392
and public spirited. Never thought I'd hear those words.
257
00:21:04,393 --> 00:21:05,850
Urrghhh...
258
00:21:05,851 --> 00:21:08,934
We've got a present for you.
259
00:21:13,892 --> 00:21:15,558
Thank Dad.
260
00:21:15,559 --> 00:21:16,808
What?
261
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:20,391
He's paid for our tickets.
262
00:21:20,392 --> 00:21:23,183
What do you mean, "our tickets"?
263
00:21:23,184 --> 00:21:26,350
We're coming, too.
264
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:29,017
BOTH GASP
265
00:21:30,351 --> 00:21:34,808
- You didn't think you could go on your own?
- THEY LAUGH
266
00:21:34,809 --> 00:21:38,601
That is so unfair! Ow!
267
00:21:42,559 --> 00:21:44,892
It's so unfair...
268
00:21:46,184 --> 00:21:49,516
I'd hate to have my head chopped off.
269
00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:53,809
If it was raining, you'd get water in the hole.
270
00:21:54,809 --> 00:21:56,641
Never mind, Kev.
271
00:21:56,642 --> 00:21:58,724
Those bastards!
272
00:21:58,725 --> 00:22:04,100
If they're paying for the flights, we've got more dosh for top gear!
273
00:22:07,434 --> 00:22:09,724
Perry, you're right.
274
00:22:09,725 --> 00:22:11,933
Let us prepare.
275
00:22:19,850 --> 00:22:22,767
# All I wanna do is do it...
276
00:22:34,225 --> 00:22:35,517
# Big girl... #
277
00:23:38,016 --> 00:23:41,641
Kev! Look! The girls of our dreams!
278
00:24:14,807 --> 00:24:16,681
Boys!
279
00:24:16,682 --> 00:24:19,514
- Over here, now!
- Oh!
280
00:24:19,515 --> 00:24:22,723
This is the worst holiday of my life.
281
00:24:22,724 --> 00:24:24,973
Kev, look!
282
00:24:24,974 --> 00:24:28,390
Whoa. The superstar DJ Eyeball Paul.
283
00:24:32,765 --> 00:24:35,722
Tits up, Big Baz. 'Aving it large.
284
00:24:35,723 --> 00:24:38,098
All right, Eyeball Paul?
285
00:24:39,515 --> 00:24:41,264
HE BURPS
286
00:24:41,265 --> 00:24:44,347
- Cool!
- Brilliant!
287
00:24:44,348 --> 00:24:47,597
Be careful, you clumsy twat.
288
00:24:47,598 --> 00:24:52,473
Muff, Wankette, you dirty little club babes, get in.
289
00:24:53,473 --> 00:24:57,014
Kevin, Perry! Hurry up, boys!
290
00:24:57,015 --> 00:25:00,764
Your mummy's calling, little boys. Hurry up.
291
00:25:00,765 --> 00:25:04,556
- She is one lippy bitch.
- HE LAUGHS
292
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,180
Eyeball Paul's such a nice bloke.
293
00:25:08,181 --> 00:25:11,472
He's our new best mate, isn't he?
294
00:25:11,473 --> 00:25:17,597
If we get him to hear our mixes, he might let us do a set with him.
295
00:25:17,598 --> 00:25:21,347
- And shag his birds.
- All the birds we want!
296
00:25:21,348 --> 00:25:24,305
This is the best holiday of my life.
297
00:25:24,306 --> 00:25:25,848
DANCE MUSIC
298
00:25:40,681 --> 00:25:44,931
- See you on the beach.
- Huh! I don't think so!
299
00:25:45,598 --> 00:25:50,805
- You've got to go to the beach.
- Yeah...but not your beach.
300
00:25:50,806 --> 00:25:55,055
We are going to the beach you don't even know about,
301
00:25:55,056 --> 00:25:57,847
because you're nearly dead.
302
00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:00,763
Mr Patterson, Mrs Patterson.
303
00:26:00,764 --> 00:26:03,430
How dare you speak like that!
304
00:26:03,431 --> 00:26:05,846
- HORN BEEPS
- Kevin!
305
00:26:05,847 --> 00:26:07,972
El beacheo!
306
00:26:10,472 --> 00:26:13,472
- Kevin, I'm talking to you!
- Wanker!
307
00:26:31,847 --> 00:26:32,971
The beach!
308
00:26:32,972 --> 00:26:35,263
- Banging!
- Large!
309
00:26:35,264 --> 00:26:37,222
DANCE MUSIC
310
00:26:54,305 --> 00:26:56,679
Oi, Kev, look!
311
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,721
It's the girls from the airport.
312
00:26:59,722 --> 00:27:02,430
Zoom, zoom, zoom!
313
00:27:06,305 --> 00:27:08,055
BOTH: Ooh...
314
00:27:21,305 --> 00:27:24,596
Let's stand close to them so they get interested.
315
00:27:24,597 --> 00:27:26,847
Good idea.
316
00:27:28,805 --> 00:27:31,762
- Oh. I'm hooked in.
- Me, too.
317
00:27:31,763 --> 00:27:34,930
We'll get in the sea to cool off.
318
00:27:55,388 --> 00:27:57,638
SQUELCHING
319
00:28:02,096 --> 00:28:04,429
SQUELCHING
320
00:28:11,763 --> 00:28:12,970
Afternoon, ladies.
321
00:28:12,971 --> 00:28:15,262
How's it hanging, ladies?
322
00:28:15,263 --> 00:28:18,803
A lovely afternoon for the beach, eh, ladies?
323
00:28:18,804 --> 00:28:24,886
Yeah, it's me. Yeah, cos we're going to El Divino tonight, yeah?
324
00:28:24,887 --> 00:28:27,845
- Would you like a drink?
- Or Pasha.
325
00:28:27,846 --> 00:28:31,928
- Margarita, no salt, innit, Gemma?
- It is, Candice.
326
00:28:31,929 --> 00:28:34,720
Cos Ministry's at Pasha, yeah?
327
00:28:34,721 --> 00:28:37,886
Two margaritas with no salt, please.
328
00:28:37,887 --> 00:28:40,845
Shaken not stirred.
329
00:28:40,846 --> 00:28:43,096
Or Manumission.
330
00:28:44,429 --> 00:28:48,595
- We might go to Manumission tonight.
- Or Es Paradise.
331
00:28:48,596 --> 00:28:51,220
Or we might go to Es Paradise.
332
00:28:51,221 --> 00:28:53,053
- Or Privilege.
- Or Privilege.
333
00:28:53,054 --> 00:28:56,386
- Or Amnesia.
- Or Amnesia.
334
00:28:56,387 --> 00:28:59,408
Cos the tunes there are banging...
335
00:28:59,409 --> 00:29:00,470
PHONE RINGS
336
00:29:04,179 --> 00:29:05,386
Ladies.
337
00:29:05,387 --> 00:29:09,512
Cheers, waiter. Keep the change.
338
00:29:15,970 --> 00:29:19,678
- Very lovely ladies, aren't they?
- Very lovely.
339
00:29:19,679 --> 00:29:24,094
- What's my chubby babe called?
- Gemma. Mine's Candice.
340
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:28,969
- Gemma's got a lovely personality.
- Candice is so interesting.
341
00:29:28,970 --> 00:29:31,719
I think they love us, Kev.
342
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,387
DANCE MUSIC
343
00:29:38,012 --> 00:29:39,719
The evening begins.
344
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:44,012
Superstar DJs Kev P and Perr E hit the town.
345
00:29:47,012 --> 00:29:50,261
Cor, yeah. Trannies! Ugh!
346
00:29:50,262 --> 00:29:52,552
Wooh! Urgh!
347
00:29:52,553 --> 00:29:55,635
- LOUD FOOTSTEPS
- What the bloody hell's that?
348
00:29:55,636 --> 00:29:57,761
Germans!
349
00:30:06,595 --> 00:30:09,135
Here, Kev, look.
350
00:30:09,136 --> 00:30:15,469
Tonight Gemma is going to see what is down my trousers.
351
00:30:15,470 --> 00:30:20,177
What is down my trousers? Would you like a look?
352
00:30:20,178 --> 00:30:24,177
# What is the matter?
353
00:30:24,178 --> 00:30:26,635
# Don't tell me that it doesn't hurt...#
354
00:30:26,636 --> 00:30:31,511
- HE LAUGHS
- Gemma! Lick my lurve plank. Mmm!
355
00:30:33,761 --> 00:30:36,886
Candice, suck my candy.
356
00:30:39,053 --> 00:30:40,968
Oh, look - snoggers.
357
00:30:40,969 --> 00:30:42,093
Eh?
358
00:30:42,094 --> 00:30:44,469
Cor...
359
00:30:45,469 --> 00:30:48,093
Urrgh!
360
00:30:48,094 --> 00:30:50,927
SPANISH MUSIC PLAYS
361
00:30:59,052 --> 00:31:01,219
Isn't this fun?
362
00:31:03,052 --> 00:31:05,718
Now, what would you boys like?
363
00:31:05,719 --> 00:31:08,843
- I am not hungry.
- Come on, Son.
364
00:31:08,844 --> 00:31:12,968
You'll need energy if you want to go bopping.
365
00:31:12,969 --> 00:31:15,094
HE GROANS
366
00:31:16,386 --> 00:31:19,676
- We'll order for everybody, shall we?
- Good idea.
367
00:31:19,677 --> 00:31:24,759
Er, como el primo plato quisiera tapas. Una mezcla, por favour.
368
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:28,259
Y despues una gran paella por todo?
369
00:31:28,260 --> 00:31:32,968
Una necesita se fuerte para hacer el amor, cara mia.
370
00:31:32,969 --> 00:31:35,176
KEVIN RETCHES
371
00:31:35,177 --> 00:31:36,260
PERRY GROANS
372
00:31:39,094 --> 00:31:42,094
The table's a bit wobbly.
373
00:31:43,177 --> 00:31:47,301
We need a wedge. Pass me that beer mat, sexy pants.
374
00:31:47,302 --> 00:31:48,885
Oh, for God's sake!
375
00:31:52,218 --> 00:31:54,760
Hasta banana, Mrs Patterson.
376
00:32:04,510 --> 00:32:08,884
- What a couple of wankers!
- Yeah, we are, ain't we?
377
00:32:08,885 --> 00:32:13,009
- No, my parents!
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
378
00:32:13,010 --> 00:32:15,468
DANCE MUSIC
379
00:32:24,426 --> 00:32:27,050
- Cool!
- Rinsin'!
380
00:32:27,051 --> 00:32:28,718
Large!
381
00:32:32,218 --> 00:32:34,551
BOTH: Eyeball Paul!
382
00:32:40,801 --> 00:32:44,051
Come on, Big Baz. Shift, you fat tart.
383
00:32:46,134 --> 00:32:47,592
All right, Eyeball Paul!
384
00:32:47,593 --> 00:32:50,675
It's the little wankers from the airport.
385
00:32:50,676 --> 00:32:53,343
BOTH LAUGH
386
00:32:55,843 --> 00:32:59,383
- Are you here tonight?
- How's your mummy, Ginger Pubes?
387
00:32:59,384 --> 00:33:02,676
HE LAUGHS She's a bitch!
388
00:33:04,051 --> 00:33:07,426
Don't stand there. Give him a hand.
389
00:33:08,634 --> 00:33:11,758
- Thanks very much.
- Ginger Pubes!
390
00:33:11,759 --> 00:33:14,467
And you, Sad Act.
391
00:33:25,342 --> 00:33:26,508
Ladies.
392
00:33:26,509 --> 00:33:28,551
Ladies.
393
00:33:29,634 --> 00:33:31,591
Eyeball Paul?
394
00:33:31,592 --> 00:33:35,216
- What do you want?
- We done some mixes of our own.
395
00:33:35,217 --> 00:33:38,258
- What, you and Sad Act?
- Yeah.
396
00:33:38,259 --> 00:33:43,716
I don't suppose we could play them for you some time? No? All right, then.
397
00:33:43,717 --> 00:33:46,466
- So you're brother DJs?
- Yeah.
398
00:33:46,467 --> 00:33:49,758
What tunes you got? What beats you into?
399
00:33:49,759 --> 00:33:51,341
Well, erm...
400
00:33:51,342 --> 00:33:52,591
House or garage?
401
00:33:52,592 --> 00:33:55,466
House...
402
00:33:55,467 --> 00:33:58,508
Acid house or pumping house?
403
00:33:58,509 --> 00:34:00,675
Er... Pumping house?
404
00:34:03,634 --> 00:34:07,300
Balearic pumping or commercial pumping?
405
00:34:07,301 --> 00:34:08,467
Balearic pumping.
406
00:34:10,300 --> 00:34:13,466
- Sash or Chicane?
- Sash!
407
00:34:13,467 --> 00:34:15,342
HE LAUGHS
408
00:34:17,592 --> 00:34:21,592
Boys, these blaggers are pants!
409
00:34:22,717 --> 00:34:24,883
KEVIN LAUGHS
410
00:34:27,383 --> 00:34:32,050
Yeah, I'll hear your mix. My pad tomorrow.
411
00:34:33,217 --> 00:34:36,674
- Be there.
- Oooh!
412
00:34:36,675 --> 00:34:39,215
Fuck off!
413
00:34:39,216 --> 00:34:41,882
- Thanks, Eyeball Paul.
- Thank you.
414
00:34:41,883 --> 00:34:46,549
- Oh, he's such a nice bloke.
- Brilliant. We're gonna be DJs!
415
00:34:46,550 --> 00:34:49,008
DANCE MUSIC
416
00:35:48,257 --> 00:35:50,131
Sorry, girls.
417
00:35:50,132 --> 00:35:52,631
No monsters.
418
00:35:52,632 --> 00:35:56,090
Beautiful people can pass.
419
00:35:56,091 --> 00:35:58,673
But monsters - no.
420
00:35:58,674 --> 00:36:00,631
Do you understand?
421
00:36:00,632 --> 00:36:05,840
Look. Your faces - Urrrgh! - offend my mirror.
422
00:36:08,257 --> 00:36:11,590
Go on. Go on.
423
00:36:16,215 --> 00:36:20,424
- Cos I didn't want to go, anyway.
- Yeah, me, neither.
424
00:36:21,924 --> 00:36:26,214
Maybe tomorrow, I'm going to have a makeover with Boots beauty products.
425
00:36:26,215 --> 00:36:27,631
Yeah, and me.
426
00:36:27,632 --> 00:36:32,798
Them boys can get us in cos they're mates with Eyeball Paul, innit?
427
00:36:32,799 --> 00:36:34,797
Yeah. Best mates.
428
00:36:34,798 --> 00:36:37,298
DANCE MUSIC
429
00:37:37,589 --> 00:37:40,610
Oh, man, that was banging.
430
00:37:40,611 --> 00:37:42,088
Eyeball Paul plays hammering tunes.
431
00:37:42,089 --> 00:37:47,005
- What happened to our ladies?
- You've got to be sorted to get in.
432
00:37:47,006 --> 00:37:51,338
- We're gonna be loved-up DJs.
- We're having it large!
433
00:37:51,339 --> 00:37:54,213
- We've been up all night!
- We bleached it!
434
00:37:54,214 --> 00:37:58,505
If we get the girls in, we'll be up all night shagging...
435
00:37:58,506 --> 00:38:02,171
Oh, my God! Hello, Perry.
436
00:38:02,172 --> 00:38:04,880
PERRY GIGGLES Eeeeurrrrgh!
437
00:38:04,881 --> 00:38:07,963
- Hello, darling.
- Had a good night?
438
00:38:07,964 --> 00:38:10,631
You are disgusting!
439
00:38:12,464 --> 00:38:15,547
Mrs Patterson, you cheeky girl.
440
00:38:23,339 --> 00:38:25,339
Phwoar!
30672
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