Original subtitles

Please don't execute me.

It is such a waste of my lovely woman's body.

I've got years of shagging in me.

Why chop off my head when thou could...

lift up my dress and look at my front bottom?

Phwoar! I'm not gonna kill you!

CHEERING

Sir...

I owe thou a shag.

Oh...

- ALL: - Large!

HE GULPS

Kevin? >

- Kevin! - Wuuurrrgh!

- How's your homework going? - Fine, until you came in. Oh!

Bring this mess down when you come.

I'm not your slave!

Don't talk to your mother like that.

MIMICS: Don't talk to your mother like that!

HE SNORTS

Oh...

So unfair...

"Dear diary. Sorry I've never written in you.

"I have higher things on my mind."

"If I did write down my thoughts, you would be a bestseller.

"I am a teenage genius, unrecognised by the world.

"The only person who understands me is my best mate Perry."

All right, Kev.

"He is joyful in his understanding of my wisdom."

Your jacket's inside out.

I do know. I don't conform to conventional dress patterns.

"Until Perry met me, he was but a humble peasant,

"but now he is top."

Respect.

"We are only free to express our philosophy through our mixes."

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# Big girl, big girl, big girl... #

Kevin! Turn it down!

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

"When we are top DJs, my senile parents will surely eat their pants."

- You're a genius, darling! - You certainly proved us wrong.

I sure did. Huh!

Thanks. Will you shag me?

OK.

- GIRLS: - Shag me!

"For, dear diary, there is pain behind my genius.

"My teenage heart is broken.

"I've been up for it for three bloody years,

"but no girl has yet let me go the whole way."

HE HOWLS

HOWLING

HOWLING

HOWLING CONTINUES

- You got it? - Yeah.

- I get the goods, you give him that. - Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

This, please.

Wurrrgh!

£3.99, please.

Thank you!

KEVIN GASPS

You were scared of the pigs.

- I ain't. - They're scared of me.

- I rule this manor. I'm hard. - There's your dad.

KEVIN YELPS

No!

Are you all right, Kevin?

Oh... Hi, Dad. Yeah, fine, thanks.

Why are you lying there?

I'm a bit tired. I need a sleep.

We're knackered, Mr Porno-P-Patterson.

Yawn.

"Debbie from London loves clubbing.

"I go to Ibiza every year for the clubs and the carefree sex.

"It's fantastic. Everyone gets off with everyone else. It is so horny."

- I love her, Kev. - That's it!

What?

We are DJs. Where do DJs go for the summer?

Ibiza.

And all girls who go to Ibiza shag anyone, especially DJs.

So where are we going to go?

Ibiza? What, you think you deserve to go to Ibiza after this?

HE MUMBLES

It's worse than we expected. "Kevin lacks application.

- "Is still a virgin..." - What?

"Is still emerging from a rebellious phase that shows no sign of ending."

- Huh! - It's just awful, isn't it?

What have you got to say for yourself?

So can we go to Ibiza?

I think I've answered that! No!

Oh! That is so unfair!

Mum...

- Perhaps if... - I said no!

Ugh!

- What your father says goes. - Ugh! Ugh! I can't take any more!

I'm adopted! My real parents couldn't possibly treat me like this!

I hate you!

'Scuse me...

I'm running away! Goodbye for ever!

- You leave no room to compromise. - DOOR SLAMS

- Compromise with that? - He has nothing to look forward to!

- He deserves it. - He'll be impossible all holiday!

'Scuse me, Mr and Mrs Patterson. Erm... Could I have a jam sandwich?

WHIMPERING

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS

Kevin left us a note,

to remember him by.

It is typical of the Kevin we all knew,

loved,

and in many cases, shagged.

"I'm killing myself because I'm too good for this world.

"A prophet is never understood in his own land, innit?

"Soft friends, don't be sad.

"I've gone to a better place, where you never have to tidy your room,

"a place where your parents buy you new Nike trainers every week."

"I didn't mean to cause you any pain, Mum...

"but you shouldn't have made me wash."

- SOBBING: - Kevin!

Kevin!

Yeah. I'm dead now. Yeah.

Oh, Kevin!

Kevin, tea's ready!

HE SIGHS

HE FARTS

How nice you've come back. We thought you'd gone for ever.

Eeeuurrrgghhh!

We've decided... that you can both go to Ibiza.

BOTH: Come on!

Provided you get a job to pay for it.

What are you talking about? YOU pay for my holidays.

That's what parents are for!

- Our lives are about more than that. - Don't be so ridiculous.

Pass the salt, please, Kevin.

I am not your slave!

This is what happens when you compromise!

Do you know what the trouble with you two is? You're so alike!

BOTH: What?! That is so unfair!

- You want ME to give YOU a job? - Yeah. HE WHISTLES

Please.

- Do you know the store? - Yeah.

Where do you find punk?

On my sheets.

Spunk. Pp-pp!

MUSIC: "Ooh La La" by The Wiseguys

# Come on!

# Come on! Come on!

# Say ooh la la, say zoom

# Come on! Come on!

# Say ooh la la, say zoom

# Come on! Come on!

# Say ooh la la... #

Finished!

Well done, boys. Here's one for you and one for you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

We're not cut out for manual work.

Intellectuals aren't.

- I've got too many great thoughts... - Mopeds!

- Cider! - Party!

- I can see her bra! - Bra? Where? Oh, yeah!

MUSIC: "King of Snake" by Fatboy Slim Remix

# Dogman and the king of snake

# King of snake, king of snake

# Dogman and the king of snake

# King of snake

# Dogman and the king of snake

# King of snake, king of snake

# 24 hours with the king of snake

# Snake, snake, snake

# Snake, snake, snake, snake

# Snake, snake, snake, snake... #

Oh, man...

Oh... Oh, my head...

SHE GROANS

Oh, hi, baby.

MUSIC: "I'm In The Mood For Love" by Jools Holland featuring Jamiroquai

# I'm in the mood for love

# Simply because you're near me

# Funny but when you're near me

# I'm in the mood for love

# Heaven is in your eyes

# Bright as the stars we're under

# Oh, is it any wonder

# I'm in the mood for love

# Why stop to think of whether

# This little dream might fade

# We'll put our hearts together

# Now we're one, I'm not afraid...

Kev!

Good morning, Perry.

PERRY CHUCKLES

KEVIN CHUCKLES

- Did you shag her? - Yeah.

- You shagged Sharon? - Only three times. PERRY WHISTLES

Cor.

- So you've done it with a girl, then? - Yeah. I stuck it up her good.

That mean you don't want to go to Ibiza?

Now you don't need to go to Ibiza for a guaranteed shag.

I'll get a shag here, probably.

No, we can still go to Ibiza. I can always do more shagging.

Oh. Thanks, Kev. You're a mate. But how are we going to get the money?

It's all in the mind. We're DJs.

We can earn our money on the street.

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl, big girl

- # Big girl, big girl, big girl... - Oi!

I want a word.

Oh... Hi, darling. How's it going?

- Did you say you shagged me? - No...

Yeah, you bloody did. Stacey heard you.

N-No... I didn't.

I wouldn't shag you, you sad twat.

Say anything like that again and I'll smack ya! Virgin!

You said you shagged her three times.

Shut up! I'm getting outta here.

This place is full of losers.

ALL CHANT: Virgins! Virgins!

Girls here don't appreciate our musical genius.

- What we going to do? - I don't know.

It's all gone Pete Tong.

Registered letter for your father.

- Will you sign for it? - Yeah, sure.

Cheers.

Thank you.

Perry! We're saved!

We get the money and go to Ibiza. Sorted.

It's your dad's credit card. It's stealing.

We'll go to prison and get buggered.

You will. You're small.

I'll be all right. KEVIN GASPS

Eurggh! Virgins!

I'm not staying here. We'll pay him back when we're top DJs.

- Are you in or out? - In.

- Aaarrgh! - Shut your noise!

You two! Move, now! Move!

Put your hands up! Keep your mouths shut!

- You! Sit down and put your hands up. - THEY WHIMPER

You, fill that up.

ALARM BLARES

Money, now. Come on!

On behalf of the bank, thank you. Enjoy that reward money.

BOTH: Thank you.

If you want a job, give me a ring.

Banking offers many exciting opportunities for virgins like you.

BOTH: Thank you. Thank you. Eh?

We're very proud of you.

- It was really public spirited. - Kevin...

and public spirited. Never thought I'd hear those words.

Urrghhh...

We've got a present for you.

Thank Dad.

What?

He's paid for our tickets.

What do you mean, "our tickets"?

We're coming, too.

BOTH GASP

- You didn't think you could go on your own? - THEY LAUGH

That is so unfair! Ow!

It's so unfair...

I'd hate to have my head chopped off.

If it was raining, you'd get water in the hole.

Never mind, Kev.

Those bastards!

If they're paying for the flights, we've got more dosh for top gear!

Perry, you're right.

Let us prepare.

# All I wanna do is do it...

# Big girl... #

Kev! Look! The girls of our dreams!

Boys!

- Over here, now! - Oh!

This is the worst holiday of my life.

Kev, look!

Whoa. The superstar DJ Eyeball Paul.

Tits up, Big Baz. 'Aving it large.

All right, Eyeball Paul?

HE BURPS

- Cool! - Brilliant!

Be careful, you clumsy twat.

Muff, Wankette, you dirty little club babes, get in.

Kevin, Perry! Hurry up, boys!

Your mummy's calling, little boys. Hurry up.

- She is one lippy bitch. - HE LAUGHS

Eyeball Paul's such a nice bloke.

He's our new best mate, isn't he?

If we get him to hear our mixes, he might let us do a set with him.

- And shag his birds. - All the birds we want!

This is the best holiday of my life.

DANCE MUSIC

- See you on the beach. - Huh! I don't think so!

- You've got to go to the beach. - Yeah...but not your beach.

We are going to the beach you don't even know about,

because you're nearly dead.

Mr Patterson, Mrs Patterson.

How dare you speak like that!

- HORN BEEPS - Kevin!

El beacheo!

- Kevin, I'm talking to you! - Wanker!

The beach!

- Banging! - Large!

DANCE MUSIC

Oi, Kev, look!

It's the girls from the airport.

Zoom, zoom, zoom!

BOTH: Ooh...

Let's stand close to them so they get interested.

Good idea.

- Oh. I'm hooked in. - Me, too.

We'll get in the sea to cool off.

SQUELCHING

SQUELCHING

Afternoon, ladies.

How's it hanging, ladies?

A lovely afternoon for the beach, eh, ladies?

Yeah, it's me. Yeah, cos we're going to El Divino tonight, yeah?

- Would you like a drink? - Or Pasha.

- Margarita, no salt, innit, Gemma? - It is, Candice.

Cos Ministry's at Pasha, yeah?

Two margaritas with no salt, please.

Shaken not stirred.

Or Manumission.

- We might go to Manumission tonight. - Or Es Paradise.

Or we might go to Es Paradise.

- Or Privilege. - Or Privilege.

- Or Amnesia. - Or Amnesia.

Cos the tunes there are banging...

PHONE RINGS

Ladies.

Cheers, waiter. Keep the change.

- Very lovely ladies, aren't they? - Very lovely.

- What's my chubby babe called? - Gemma. Mine's Candice.

- Gemma's got a lovely personality. - Candice is so interesting.

I think they love us, Kev.

DANCE MUSIC

The evening begins.

Superstar DJs Kev P and Perr E hit the town.

Cor, yeah. Trannies! Ugh!

Wooh! Urgh!

- LOUD FOOTSTEPS - What the bloody hell's that?

Germans!

Here, Kev, look.

Tonight Gemma is going to see what is down my trousers.

What is down my trousers? Would you like a look?

# What is the matter?

# Don't tell me that it doesn't hurt...#

- HE LAUGHS - Gemma! Lick my lurve plank. Mmm!

Candice, suck my candy.

Oh, look - snoggers.

Eh?

Cor...

Urrgh!

SPANISH MUSIC PLAYS

Isn't this fun?

Now, what would you boys like?

- I am not hungry. - Come on, Son.

You'll need energy if you want to go bopping.

HE GROANS

- We'll order for everybody, shall we? - Good idea.

Er, como el primo plato quisiera tapas. Una mezcla, por favour.

Y despues una gran paella por todo?

Una necesita se fuerte para hacer el amor, cara mia.

KEVIN RETCHES

PERRY GROANS

The table's a bit wobbly.

We need a wedge. Pass me that beer mat, sexy pants.

Oh, for God's sake!

Hasta banana, Mrs Patterson.

- What a couple of wankers! - Yeah, we are, ain't we?

- No, my parents! - Oh, yeah. Sorry.

DANCE MUSIC

- Cool! - Rinsin'!

Large!

BOTH: Eyeball Paul!

Come on, Big Baz. Shift, you fat tart.

All right, Eyeball Paul!

It's the little wankers from the airport.

BOTH LAUGH

- Are you here tonight? - How's your mummy, Ginger Pubes?

HE LAUGHS She's a bitch!

Don't stand there. Give him a hand.

- Thanks very much. - Ginger Pubes!

And you, Sad Act.

Ladies.

Ladies.

Eyeball Paul?

- What do you want? - We done some mixes of our own.

- What, you and Sad Act? - Yeah.

I don't suppose we could play them for you some time? No? All right, then.

- So you're brother DJs? - Yeah.

What tunes you got? What beats you into?

Well, erm...

House or garage?

House...

Acid house or pumping house?

Er... Pumping house?

Balearic pumping or commercial pumping?

Balearic pumping.

- Sash or Chicane? - Sash!

HE LAUGHS

Boys, these blaggers are pants!

KEVIN LAUGHS

Yeah, I'll hear your mix. My pad tomorrow.

- Be there. - Oooh!

Fuck off!

- Thanks, Eyeball Paul. - Thank you.

- Oh, he's such a nice bloke. - Brilliant. We're gonna be DJs!

DANCE MUSIC

Sorry, girls.

No monsters.

Beautiful people can pass.

But monsters - no.

Do you understand?

Look. Your faces - Urrrgh! - offend my mirror.

Go on. Go on.

- Cos I didn't want to go, anyway. - Yeah, me, neither.

Maybe tomorrow, I'm going to have a makeover with Boots beauty products.

Yeah, and me.

Them boys can get us in cos they're mates with Eyeball Paul, innit?

Yeah. Best mates.

DANCE MUSIC

Oh, man, that was banging.

Eyeball Paul plays hammering tunes.

- What happened to our ladies? - You've got to be sorted to get in.

- We're gonna be loved-up DJs. - We're having it large!

- We've been up all night! - We bleached it!

If we get the girls in, we'll be up all night shagging...

Oh, my God! Hello, Perry.

PERRY GIGGLES Eeeeurrrrgh!

- Hello, darling. - Had a good night?

You are disgusting!

Mrs Patterson, you cheeky girl.

Phwoar!