Original subtitles

[SHAKING THE SPRAY CAN]

[PAINT SPRAYING]

Quick! Burr's gonna... [EXPLOSION]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SQUEAKING]

[PANTING]

- [GRUNTS] - [SQUEAKS]

Keto diet, schmeto diet!

I'm takin' my cheat day!

[SHRILL SQUEAK]

This was my friend Brian.

He was a comedy writer.

Worked on Modern Family, or...

Or maybe it was that other one on CBS

that's like Modern Family, but it isn't.

He used to ask me if I liked his show.

I always said I did, enthusiastically,

but... but I never saw it, not once.

Even though Brian and I were actually...

Were actually pretty good friends.

I used to water his tomato plants for him when he went on vacation.

I lied.

I lied because...

[DEEP BREATH]

Because I didn't want to be an asshole.

- [CHEWING] - Which made me a liar,

and an asshole.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BRIAN] Keto diet, schmeto diet.

I'm takin' my cheat day.

[BRIAN GROANS]

- [CROW CAWING] - [BRIAN] Keto diet, schmeto diet...

I'm takin' my cheat...

- [SCREAMING] ...day! - [GASPING]

Keto diet... [GRUNTING]

[BRIAN GROANING]

Diet...

[GRUNTS]

- Oh! - Whoa!

Ghoulies, mutant animals,

tribes of psychotic teens are all grotesque reflections of who we were.

But we have to... burn it down,

set off that nuke at the cereal factory and start fresh.

I'm gonna take you to some place nice,

like Palm Springs or... [INHALES]

Lake Arrowhead.

I'm gonna take care of you.

- Yeah. - Yeah!

[BELLS SOFTLY RINGING]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

To erase Glendale, we're gonna need some help.

Can someone set off this conventional missile for me?

[SIGHING]

It's a great way to fulfill your service hours.

Anyone?

- You! - Me?

Yeah. Grab a club.

[BASS SOLO MUSIC PLAYING]

Fuck!

[GRUNTS]

[ALL] Ahh!

[DINGS]

Keep your head down. Relax!

[WHISPERING] Keep my head down.

[GRUNTS] Damn it!

Damn it! [SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTING]

Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

[DINGS]

The golf team would be really useful right about now.

[FIFTY-FOUR] Hit that bomb. Don't let him down.

It's your time to shine, Fifty-Four.

[HUFFS]

Okay.

All right. Relax.

Aah! [GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, shit!

[EXPLOSION]

[MILITARY MARCH PLAYING]

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]

- [HIGH-PITCHED RING CONTINUES] - [INAUDIBLE VOICES]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ Goblin Flakes, Goblin Flakes ♪

♪ Goblin Flakes, for goodness sakes ♪

♪ Goblin Flakes, Goblin Flakes Gobble up your Goblin Flakes ♪

♪ Goblin Flakes, Goblin Flakes ♪

♪ Goblin Flakes, for goodness sakes ♪

♪ Goblin Flakes, Goblin Flakes ♪

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]

[SONG CONTINUES, DISTORTED]

[INAUDIBLE]

I got everyone outta harm's way

and I had earplugs for all my people.

Safety first.

So we can hear, but you people...

- [BOOM] - [INAUDIBLE VOICE]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, here we go. Here.

Making pozole with mole

makes me wanna give a culturally appropriate olé!

Oh... Aw, damn it! I had a whole Google slide show!

With gifs!

To explain that I'm taking those kids to be my...

cattle ranch.

But after we leave, I need you to detonate the nuke.

I need you to detonate...

Detonate...

that nuke.

You, that, boom!

[WHISPERS] Me...

[EXPLOSION SOUND]

- Send in the crone. - [DOOR SLAMMING]

[WOMAN GROANING]

[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] - [SCREAMS]

- No! - Okay. All right.

I'll do it! I'll do that! [GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING]

- [INAUDIBLE VOICE] - [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[NORMAL VOICE] You fucked her?

[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

[ENERGETIC WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC ENDS]

["CONGRATULATIONS" PLAYING]

♪ Is that seat taken? ♪

♪ Congratulations ♪

♪ Would you like to take a walk with me? ♪

♪ My mind it kind of goes fast ♪

♪ I'll try to slow it down for you ♪

♪ I think I'd love to take a drive I want to give you something ♪

♪ I've been wanting to give to you for years ♪

♪ I came to see the light in my best friend ♪

♪ You seemed as happy as you'd ever been ♪

♪ My chance of being open was broken And now you're Mrs. Him. ♪

♪ My words, they don't come out right ♪

♪ But I'll try to say I'm happy for you ♪

♪ I think I'm going to take that drive ♪

♪ I want to give you something ♪

♪ I've been wanting to give to you for years ♪

♪ My heart ♪

♪ My heart, my pain won't cover up ♪

♪ You left me, uh huh huh huh ♪

- ♪ My heart ♪ - ♪ My heart won't take this cover up ♪

♪ You left me, uh huh huh huh ♪

♪ And I can't change this ♪

♪ I can never take it back ♪

♪ But now I can't change your mind ♪

♪ You left me, uh huh huh huh ♪

♪ And I can't take this ♪

♪ I can never take this back ♪

♪ But now I can't change your mind ♪

♪ Can't change your mind ♪

- ♪ You left me, uh huh huh huh ♪ - ♪ Can't change your mind ♪

[WATER TRICKLES]

[INAUDIBLE VOICES]

[WHISPERS] Hungry.

[PANTING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE VOICES]

[EXHILARATING MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC RESUMES]

[GUNS CLICK]

[FAST TICKING]

[SOFTLY] I...

love you.

[BOOM]

[BOOM]

[WESLEY] I heard that!

I heard that.

I think my hearing's back.

You knew it was confetti?

- [JOSH] Hey, Wes! Wesley! - [GATE CREAKING]

You guys okay?

Wesley, I... [SIGHS] I'm really sorry.

We're good.

All good?

[SIGHS] All good.

[JOSH] Alright.

Hm.

He's all good, too.

Cool.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[CHUCKLES] No way!

My Official Hamilton The Musical Replica Confetti Pistols!

Did you see my Starlight Express roller skates signed by Lloyd Webber?

Yeah!

Dope.

[CHUCKLES]

[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHIRRING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[REMOTE CONTROL CAR REVVING]

- [JOCK 1] Come on! Over here! Yo! - [JOCK 2] Yeah!

[CAMERA ZOOMING]

[JOSH] Okay, Burr has Angelica,

an army of Jocks, and a big nuke.

What's your plan?

[GRUNTS]

[JOCK ON TV] Is there anything we can't do?

Go, team!

- Principal Burr! - [CHANTING] Burr!

[JOCK ON TV] You got it, Principal Burr.

[BURR] Lake Arrowhead, here we come!

[ALL CHANTING ON TV] Burr! Burr! Burr!

[GRUNTING]

Kids need the strongest leader.

Turbo isn't that anymore.

Hm.

[SCOFFS] No, no, no, no, no, no! I...

I can't make a plan.

I'm not a leader! I'm just...

I'm just Josh!

- I'll be your friend! - [CAROUSEL MUSIC PLAYING]

- [SHOUTS] - No!

- [BEAR] I love you! - Aww!

What's your name?

Guys, look!

Sorry! Sorry!

- Thought it was cute. - [MUSIC STOPS]

My bad. Too soon.

I wanna apologize for running away.

We came back to help you fight.

And...

we're not the only ones.

[INAUDIBLE VOICES]

["ONCE IN MY LIFE" PLAYING]

[SAM] Do you have a plan, Josh?

[TERRY LAUGHS]Well, fuck you, loser!

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, shit! My sword!

[INAUDIBLE]

♪ Could just something go... Could just something go right? ♪

[ANGELICA] Those are just kids out there.

The only way we're gonna find answers

and survive is if we stay together!

- [ELY] He's kicking us out? - I'm sorry!

Don't be a savage! You're above that!

Your skills, Angelica's brains, my swords?

Ain't nothing we can't do together!

♪ Oh, for once in my Oh, for once in my life ♪

♪ Could just something go right? ♪

- [JOSH] Sam, where are you? - [SAM] I can't see! I'm bleeding!

[CHUCKLES]

♪ I've been waiting all my life ♪

♪ All my life ♪

Let's save the world!

[ALL CHEERING]

[TRUCK BEEPING]

[INSTRUMENTS SOUNDING]

[LIFT GATE WHIRRING]

[JOSH] All right!

Let's hop in!

Come on!

Hi! What the shit?

I'm relatively confident this is gonna end well.

Fighting Baron Triumph

with the surviving members of the JV marching band?

Come on, they don't have to be any good, just loud!

Yeah, see?

Yeah, there we go!

- Yes, that makes total sense. Thank you. - [INSTRUMENTS WARMING UP]

[INSTRUMENTS STOP]

[PLAYING CACOPHONOUS TUNE]

Okay! Louder!

♪ Goodness sakes ♪

- Fuck! Josh! - Yes!

♪ Goblin Flakes ♪

- Keep playing! Keep playing! - ♪ Goodness sakes ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [JOCK 1] Over here, man! - [JOCK 2] Dude! There you go!

[SIGHS]

This is literally Chinese to me!

- [JOCK 1] Keep it up! Whoa! - [JOCK 2] Yeah!

[ENGINE REVVING]

[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Josh!

Josh?

[JOCK] Fall in!

Desperta ferro!

Guys. Guys, come on.

Desperta ferro!

Awaken the iron!

It's Catalan, a medieval war cry?

Desperta ferro!

No?

What about...

- hike! - [ALL SHOUTING]

Go, you jackasses.

- Is this your plan? - We need an army to fight the Jocks.

I got us an army.

[GHOULIES GROWLING, SNARLING]

[SIGHS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[JOSH] Come on!

[JOCK] Die, you fucker!

Angelica!

You came for me!

- Come on, we have to go. - We can't! The nuke is armed!

Get out there! Get out there! Don't let anybody in!

Go! Go, go, go. Go!

Out. Get out!

[JOCK] Let's go! Come on, let's go!

Fuck!

Mm-hmm.

[GRUNTING]

[ANGELICA] The instruction manual is in Mandarin.

Do you see anything that says "ramjet to turbo fan"

or "anti-material pathogen"?

[KJ] Okay. This says um... "Made in Russia."

This says, "Biological Agent."

So, Russia and China teamed up to make America the Ghoulie fool?

No, it's the same all around the world. We don't know who did what.

No! We know it's the adults' fault!

I mean, listen to them!

I wanna get solar panels, but I'mma wait until the price drops.

[GROANS]

I have to stay under my mileage for the lease!

[GRUNTS]

It's dark out. No one will see if I don't pick up the dog's poop. [GRUNTS]

ADULTS HAD ONE STUPID JOB:

to teach us how to be good people.

But adults are the most selfish assholes of all!

And the worst part is

we don't get our chance to grow up

and fuck up the world ourselves!

Fuck you!

Hey... Okay. Then, we'll just unfuck it.

Angelica, you are a Mensa-level genius with flexible morality.

And I need you.

Okay?

I need help.

There's a biological weapon on this nuke!

I don't know what it is.

Ms. Crumble does.

I need her.

Well, where is she?

In there. With the other kids.

[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]

["I DOVREGUBBENS HALL" PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT MOANING]

[SAM] I'm gonna get them out.

[GRUNTING]

- [SAM YELLS] - [GRUNTS]

Josh! Get Ms. Crumble quick!

[SAM] Triumph is gonna kill you!

He's my responsibility! I let him out of the cage!

[JOCK YELPS]

Angelica needs Ms. Crumble!

If you can't get her, we're all gonna die!

[DOOR CREAKS]

[DOOR CREAKS]

[SOFTLY] Shit.

- [CRUMBLE] Hyah! - [JOSH GRUNTS]

[MONA] Get him, Crumble!

- Crumble! We need your help! - Stop! Stop, stop! Stop!

We got the wrong asshole.

This is just Josh.

- Josh Wheeler? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Present. - [SIGHS]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[BEEPS]

[ALARM BLARING]

[JOCKS GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

- [YELLS] - [GRUNTS]

- [GRUNTS] - [GROANS]

[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

- [SAM YELLS] - [GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

- [HELMET DROPS] - [SIGHS]

Sam. Sam, I want you to know something.

I thought your viral video was just... [BREATHES DEEPLY]

It was just fucking awful.

Such a thirst trap.

A very obvious cry for attention.

You have some very serious emotional problems.

[JOSH YELLS]

[CHOKING]

- [GRUNTS] - [COUGHS]

[PANTING] Josh?

[JOSH] Come on, come on!

[GROANS, CHOKES]

Get up! We know you can't be stabbed!

I saw you, remember? The whole axe thing?

Ah... Aw, come on!

[COUGHS] I wanted you to be all confident.

Teenage lovers reunited

after banishing the monster.

You walk off together,

then slowly, I get up behind you

and say something like...

"Where's your hall pass, kids?"

That's kinda lame.

[CHUCKLING] Well, it's a work in progress.

Why'd you stab me if you knew I wasn't gonna die? [COUGHS]

It wasn't the sword that was meant to kill you.

It's what's on it.

Peanut butter?

Extra crunchy.

How did you know that I have an allergy?

You told me so yourself.

This is a nut-free campus. I'm sorry that I wasn't clear about that.

Nothing you ever did was about us.

It was always all about you.

[BURR] REMEMBER: serious allergies don't only affect your fellow students,

but staff as well.

You never know who might be susceptible.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

But the Hoyle-Some Cereal Factory is nut-free.

[BURR GRUNTS]

That's why you holed up in here.

I really... [GASPS]

I really wanted to help.

I was... [BREATHING HEAVILY]

I was trying to prevent you...

[GASPS, GROANS]

From experiencing the pain...

that's to come.

[CHOKING]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[STOMACH GRUMBLING]

[BURR GRUNTING]

Whoa!

- [GROANING] - Fuck...

[SCREAMS]

[ALL GASP]

[GRUNTS, PANTING] Ooh!

Ew!

Ooh! Easy! Easy, boy! Easy, boy!

Whoa, whoa!

Easy. Easy, easy.

What the fuck is that?

You're so busy fighting each other,

you haven't seen the real threat coming.

Right, Ms. Crumble?

I want to help kids,

not eat them.

You're all alone, Principal Burr.

Hey, Josh...

fuck you.

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

That's why you don't fuck with those nut allergies!

- [BOY] I got this one! - [GIRL] Yeah!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[ALL SHOUT]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Hey, guys! - [MICHAEL] Hi, Sam!

- Nice jacket! - Thank you, Michael!

Okay, so, if we could all just... relax.

Principal Burr is dead.

- But we need to get Ms. Crumble here... - Hi!

Up there to disarm that nuke...

[SIGHS]

And save everyone.

Good?

[MICHAEL] You got it, Sam!

Thank you! Cooperative!

[BEEPING]

It's a plasmid that transmits DNA and resequences genes.

- Okay. Crazy talk or teacher talk? - [ANGELICA] This is for reals!

The plasmid and the radiation made Ghoulies.

This missile... made me me.

- Disable the nuke. - I can't!

I've been trying, but the bioweapon and the nuke are coupled.

If I deactivate one, the other will explode.

[KEYBOARD TYPING]

The way of the samurai is death, but I'm still finna get my Emily Blunt on

before I kiss the infinite.

What? No!

- Put that out! - [LIGHTER CLATTERS]

We're on a rocket!

We're on a rocket.

We're on a phallic symbol

filled with fuel, designed by men who wanted to fuck the world!

I got it! Just move. I got it!

Okay.

- [GASPS] We can fire the missile! - Yeah!

[MS. CRUMBLE] Yeah! We can fire it!

And with the fuel left, it can reach the mesosphere.

And hopefully, we'll be fine!

[CHUCKLING IN RELIEF]

- Okay. Do it! - But...

But what?

It can only be launched manually...

from right here.

[MUTTERING]

[SIGHS]

I'll do it.

What? No, you'll die!

You'll be incinerated in 5,000 degrees of liquid hydrogen hell.

Silly, I will turn myself into a mist.

Huh? Huh?

No! You can't do that! You're not able to! Okay?

Come on. We have to go and find shelter before it goes off.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Come on.

[SOFTLY] Come on.

Come on.

Go.

[JOSH] Angelica!

[GASPS]

["IN ANOTHER LIFE" PLAYING]

No! I'm not leaving you here! I'm staying with you!

♪ In another life we are complete ♪

[CRYING] I won't! I won't!

♪ Every night we sing by fires ♪

- [CRUMBLE] It's gonna be okay. - No, I won't! No!

♪ And every morning tell each other Of our dreams ♪

♪ In another life you never stray ♪

♪ In another life I never leave ♪

♪ In another life we all get paid ♪

[JOSH] Let's go!

Get to the trucks!

♪ Would it be enough for you to believe? ♪

♪ In another life we go unnoticed ♪

♪ Running naked through the streets ♪

♪ In another life, you'll catching roses ♪

[RUMBLING]

♪ From all the people that keep falling At your feet ♪

♪ In another life, we are eternal ♪

♪ Wear no shoes upon our feet ♪

♪ In another life, you're just a little girl ♪

♪ Who never has to know What she believes ♪

♪ In another life In another life ♪

♪ In another life, We are our mothers' reveries ♪

[EXPLOSION]

♪ In another life In another life ♪

♪ In another life The only words are you and me ♪

♪ But we'll never cross the table ♪

♪ Static voices in an empty room ♪

♪ Sad, sad silence over a cable ♪

♪ Honey, I'll be coming home soon ♪

♪ We're at the edge of something so high ♪

♪ If we jump together, do you think we could fly? ♪

♪ But who are we the ones to tell ♪

♪ Whether this is heaven or hell... ♪

I'm sorry.

♪ Ooh, in another life ♪

♪ In another life ♪

What are we looking at?

- [GASPS] - [MS. CRUMBLE] Hey, whoa! Hey!

Okay.

I told you.

What are you?

I don't know.

But aren't we gonna have fun figuring it out together?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah!

[MS. CRUMBLE CHUCKLES]

[ALL CHEERING]

Stop playing. Go get her, man.

Yeah. Okay.

Sam!

- Sam! - Hey!

- We did it! - We did it!

We're alive! [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Hey, let's go to the mall.

Yeah, I got a spot for us in the furniture store.

It looks like a craftsman home in Montrose.

It can be our little "Happily Ever After."

No.

No?

Yeah, no.

But I love you.

No, you don't!

You love this antiquated notion that I'm a damsel needing to be rescued,

but... that's not my story.

But you left me a note to find you.

Six months in the apocalypse, and you haven't changed a bit.

Still so very earnest.

I fought and struggled,

and I even lost a finger to try to get to you!

And yet you still don't know me!

I mean, I hate craftsman homes!

Okay. What about a mid-century modern?

I'll always be thankful to you, Josh.

When you posted that video, you showed me who I could be.

[FIRE CRACKLING]

And who are you?

[WIND HOWLING]

I'm Sam Dean.

["IN COLD BLOOD" PLAYING]

This is my life now.

These are my people, and they need a leader.

They need me.

The apocalypse wasn't the best thing to happen to you, Josh.

♪ Heard it now on the radio ♪

It was the best thing to happen to me.

♪ My pool summer, summer pool Summer vibe scare ♪

♪ In cold blood ♪

Follow me.

[CROWD] Hoo, hoo, ha!

♪ Lalalalalala ♪

♪ Lalalalalala ♪

♪ Lalalalalalala ♪

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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