Original subtitles

Guys, I did it!

Yay!Amazing!

You have no ideawhat I'm talking about, do you?

I got the liquor company to sign off on my big idea.

Oh, come on.

I told you about itlast night.

You said, "Wear something cute."

Oh. I always say that when I'm not listening.

Refresh our memory, so we can join

in your excitement, please?

So, on St. Patrick's Day, I was doing a...

let's call it a-a research crawl. [chuckles]

And I noticed thatall the really packed bars

had liquor sponsorships.

So, long story short, I got one for Mitzi's.

And they saidI could keep the sponsorship fee

as a bonus. [chuckles]

Ooh. What kind of bonus are we talking?

"New Mercedes" bonus

or "the story wasn't worth it" bonus?

More like a "baby rhino" bonus.

Oh, I don't think that's very practical, Jackie.

You see, I used to own two baby rhinos.

And they're great, like,for the first couple of months,

and then you're basicallydealing with full-sized rhinos.

I'm not buying one.

We're gonna visit one at the San Diego Zoo.

Sammy's been obsessedwith their new baby rhino,

and I want to take him there.

We never get to take a vacation,

but with this bonus, we could actually go.

Well, wear something cute.

Uh, what event is the sponsorship for?

Oh, you're gonna love this. Oh.

Cinco de Mayo.[chuckles]

Uh-oh.

Cinco de Mayo, you say?

Yeah. And I'm gonna needeverybody's help at Mitzi's.

Oh, super easy. All you haveto do is push some tequila,

and we're gonna hang upsome Mexican decoration...

May I?

Ooh. Mustache sticks.

And-and mini novelty sombreros.

This is perfect

to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

Which is a celebration of what again?

Mexican Independence Day,right?

Uh-oh.

No. No, Jacqueline.

[speaking Spanish angrily]

[shouting in Spanish]

So I'm guessing that's a no.

Luis, could you pleaseMex-plain the actual history

of Cinco de Mayoto Jacqueline?

Cinco de Mayo celebratesthe Battle of Puebla,

when an undermanned bandof Mexican fighters

defeated a much largerFrench army.

Mexican independence was declared

more than 50 years earlier.[Javier snaps fingers]

Exactly.

Cinco de Mayo's barely observed in Mexico.

But, here, they make it acelebration of Mexican culture.

Which would be a beautiful thing,

except no one knows what the hell they're celebrating!

Hey. Hey.

The whole commercialization of Cinco de Mayo

was driven by the American beercompanies in the late 1980s.

And we're both very upset about it.

[mouthing]

Wow. I had no idea.Mm.

I-I was gonna ask you to be the emcee,

but I understand if thatwould make you comfortable.

The emcee?

In other words, a chance

to properly teach the people of Reseda?

Well, uh, more like welcome them,

make sure they're drinking,host a pepper eating contest...

Which I will do, along with crowd-friendly jokes

and educational songs.

I didn't say songs.You didn't have to.

♪

I just miss the dayswhen Cinco de Mayo

was simply five daysbefore Mother's Day.

Ooh, Mother's Day.

I wonder what Bijou's going to get me this year.Mm.

I'm just rememberinghow my whole family

will celebrate mi mamáat ourbeach house for Mother's Day,

which everyonewill be doing this year...

without me.

You know, maybe not.

My little birds told me

that your Abuela Rosa told Tía Carla

that your mamátold Gia at Paprika Hair Salon

that she wishes to see you this Mother's Day.

Really?Really.

You should e-mail her.

You won't be asking for anything except for a plane ticket

followed by a short speedboat to land,

where Jeff Probst will take you to the house

in time for the family games.

Thank you, mi corazón.I will write to her.

And then I'll get to workon my Cinco de Mayo performance

for Jackie.Not a performance.

Thanks for watching Sammy.

Oh. No problem.

Um, although could we talk real quick outside?

Yeah. Sure.

I just-- I, uh, you know, wanted to talk to you about

how, the other day, we almost, you know...

kissed.

I've been thinking about that, too.

Really?Yeah.

[chuckles]: That would've been a huge mistake.

Exactly.

Oh. Yeah. That's what I was gonna say, too.

So that's... Yeah.

And I know what my reasons are.

So, just kind of curious what your reasons are.

Well, I mean, you know,

it's just that being a couple does not work for us.

But hatingeach other

sucks, too.

So,

I was thinkingmaybe we could

just be friends.

Crazy.

'Cause that-- I was just about to friend zone you, too.

Jinx.[both chuckle]

Well, it's perfect now.

Perfect now.Hmm.

Friends.[chuckles]Friends it is.

Jinx again.[chuckles]

[mutters]

Okay. Mm.Okay. All right.

Testing, testing. Uno, dos. Uno, dos.

Generalísimo Ignacio Zaragoza.

♪ Generalísimo Ignacio Zaragoza!♪

Where can we plug this in?

Mom said to find an outlet over there,

but make sure your hands are dry.

[electricity buzzing]

That wasn't terrifying at all.

Oh, amazing news!

I just got a textfrom my Tío Chuey

that mi papá'spilot,Guillermo,

told him that my fatheris considering

my Mother's Day request.

Tell Guillermo I said hi.

Yes.But not Chuey.

Sammy, remember, when the bar opens,

I'm gonna need you to hang out in the office.

Yeah, things aregonna get weird, son.

Wow.

Broke out the old poncho.

You bet I did.

You know,

Cinco de Mayo's a big day for us.

Remember, we-we first hooked upon Cinco de Mayo.

Mostly I remember Seis de Mayo being a day full of regret.

[chuckles]

Listen, I knowthat I amigo zoned you,

but, since it's Cinco,we can make an exception.

Friends but, you know,with benefits?

Nope. Just like my job,

this friendship has no benefits.

Great. You passed the test.

You've seen me at my sexiest,and you've resisted.

Nice job, friend.

DEREK:Attention, everyone.

I'd like to introduce you to a very special lady.

This is Paula Perezfrom Uncle Juan's Tequilla.

Whatever she wants, she gets.

'Cause I'm the manager of allof this.

Paula, I'm Jackie.[chuckles]

It's so nice to finally meet you in person.

Derek, why don't you take that big, giant check

and put it upstairs in the office.

I don't have to do what she says.

Because I'm the boss here.

Do you want me to tell your mom you're not listening to me?

I do not.

Sorry. [chuckles]

He's, um...

Anyway, um, thank you for sponsoring us.

And, actually, here's our emcee.

Paula, meet Javier.

Hi, Javier.

Hi.Just remember to keep things fun.

Because isn't fun what thisholiday is all about? [chuckles]

Eh, actually, it's aboutan outnumbered Mexican army

defeating a seasonedFrench army in a battle.

I think we're saying the same thing.

Anyway, here's your script.Ah.

Stick to that, and you'll get your bonus.Oh.

I assure you, he will say every one of those words.

Yes. I have also preparedsome things to add to your words

to give people, uh,an authentic taste of Mexico.

Okay. But at Uncle Juan's, we usually stay away from words

like "authentic" and "taste."

You also stay awayfrom correct spelling.

Uh, there is only one "L"in "tequila."

[laughs] Well, Uncle Juan's isn't technically tequila.

I won't bore you with the details,

but it's not made in Mexico,

and it's not made with agave.

[both speaking Spanishangrily]

Remember, this is for Sammy.

Show the people at Uncle Juan's some respect.Yes.

And go hawk that crap.

♪

[cheering and applause]

Welcome to Cinco de Mayo at Mitzi's!

Brought to you by Uncle Juan's Tequilla.

Okay, who's readyto party?!

[cheering]

And get educated about Mexican history?!

Nobody.

[laughs]

Okay.

Well, now here's a song about Benito Juárez

sung to the tune of "Cielito Lindo."

Enjoy.

♪ Benito Juárez

♪ Was the Mexican presidente...♪

[exhales]

What's with the face?

You didn't drink this stuff, did you?

I just accidentally spilled some,

and it stripped the paint off the floor.

No. Look down there.

Barry is supposed to be working.

He's being totally unprofessional.

Yeah, this bar is all about professionalism.

♪ But the Mexican army was not as easy ♪

♪ To beat as it seemed!

Muchas gracias!

[shouts] Viva México![cheering and applause]

Now, every time I hit this,

everybody takes a shot of Uncle Juan's Tequilla!

[air horn blows]

[cheering]

JACKIE:Look at him,

with his stupid ponchoand his stupid charm.

ELIZABETH:Wait,

why do you care?

[gasps]

Did you guys hook up?

No.

But we did almost kiss.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause you never listenwhen I talk.

Well, you finally have something interesting to say.

The thing is I don't want to be with him,

but I don't want him to be with anybody else.

Is that nuts?

Not at all.

I told Javi that if I die before him

and he decides to see someone else,

I will come back as a ghost and curse his penis.

I just got a text.

Javier is not invited for Mother's Day.

His father wants him to prove himself worthy

before being invited back to spend time

with the family and Jeff Probst.

Oh, no.

Do you think Javi's father's contacted him yet?

I'm gonna go with yes.

[band playing sad music]

Tragically, one year after the Battle of Puebla,

the French took over Mexico.

Which proves nothing matters and everything is terrible.

Except the taste of Uncle Juan's Tequilla.

What doesn't tequila makes you stronger.

What the hell's going onwith your emcee?

People are getting depressed,

and not in a waythat makes them drink more.

If you want your bonus,you better fix this.

I'm on it.

We will get back on track. Don't worry.

And I'm sorry if poncho guy is bothering you.

Oh, no, I think he's cute.

Can you believe he's divorced?

Who would give that up?

JAVIER:Okay, what's next?

Ah. The pepper eating contest.

Who cares?Stop. Stop.

Hi, everyone. We're gonna take a quick break

while I splash some water on the big guy here.

Luis, can you please take over?

It is...[sighs]

not really... my thing, but...

All right, everyone!

Hey! It's time for Uncle Juan's

$1,000 hot pepper eating challenge!

[cheering]

Let's meet our contestants.

Just three white people?

Just start already.

Come on. Surely there's a Mexican here

who wants to compete.

I don't know why they'd dare.

Max Lefleur has never lost a pepper eating challenge.

Lefleur?

You're French?

Well, I don't think you're allowed to ask that,

but oui.

Come on!

A French person can't win on Cinco de Mayo!

When did I start caring about this?

Javi, come on.Pull yourself together.

Why? I have been rejected by my family.

[scoffs]Not your entire family.

Not me, not Luis,not Sammy, not Jackie.

Come on. Don't just feel sorryfor yourself and give up.

Is this what GeneralisimoZaragoza did at Puebla?

Are you saying I should challenge my father to a war?

Because we alreadydid that, and look around.

We're not winning.

No. I'm saying take action.

Don't wait for them to do it for you.

Buy a plane ticket and go visit your mother.

My love, we sneak our ownhot dogs into the movie theater.

We can't afforda plane ticket.

Well... not yet.

[gasps]

Please, there must beone Mexican willing to compete.

JAVIER:There is!

My name is Javier FredericoFaad Santiago Flores Gomez!

And tonight, my mouthbelongs to Mexico!

[band playing upbeat music]Let's do this!

[cheering, rhythmic clapping]

Hey!

"Uncle Juan's Tequilla abides by the rules

of the InternationalHot Pepper Eating Association."

That cannot be a thing.

"There are four rounds.

"Each pepper gets increasingly hotter.

The full pepper must be consumed."

If you take a drink of milk, you are out.

Might as well drinkyour milk now, baby.

I only drink my milk warmed up with a little bit of cinnamon.

Our first pepper is

the jalapeño with a Scoville Heat Unit of 5,000.

[band plays musical sting]

Olé!And go!

[cheering, whooping]

He drank the milk! He's out!

[guitar plays lively musical sting]

Onto pepper number two.

Things are goingpretty well, right?Yeah.

Except you're supposed to be working, not flirting.

I have not been flirting.

Please. I know all your moves.

Making her laugh and lassoing her.

It was just disgusting.

Oh. You are jealous.

I am not.Yes, you are.

J-E... middle letters, S.

Jealous. Thank you.

I'm not jealous!

I'm not jealous, either.

But I think I knowhow we can split 'em up.

Do it.

[band plays musical sting]

And we're down to the final pepper!

[musical sting]

Two contestants remain.

One from the land where ancient civilizations

developed complex calendars and architecture,

the other where ancient civilizations

didn't bathe for 300 years.

For the record,I'm French-Canadian.

Shut your maple hole and get ready to lose!

Our last pepper is

the Delaware Death-Stick, created in a laboratory

by a team of disgraced Hungarian scientists.

This little baby has a Scoville rating of...

one million.

[musical sting]

Put on your gloves

and call your loved ones, because this one's hot.

"What's not hot is Uncle Juan's extra mild pico de gallo--

"now with real tomatoes and onions.

Look for us on the bottom shelfof your local gas station."

Okay, here we go.

Gentlemen, the first one to go for the milk is out.

Eat... that... pepper.

[whooping, cheering, band plays music sting]

ELIZABETH: Javi!

You can do it!

[cries]

[squealing]Javier wins!

Javier wins![cheering]

Viva Mexico!

You did it, honey!

Come here!Mmm.

[screams]

I'm on fire!

[screams]

All right, it's Cinco de Barry!

What is Barry doing?

I got him away from Paulaby asking him

to perform a few songs.

You're welcome.

Can't you see what's gonna happen?Never.

He's gonna perform, she's gonna see him up onstage

and think he looks super sexy, and it's gonna remind her

of the first time they met on Cinco de Mayo.

Like, an hour ago?And then forgetting

all the promises she made to herself,

she's gonna go home with him even though they decided

on the porch that they were only gonna be friends

for the sake of their child.And when did they have a baby?!

I've got to stop him from playing.

I'm gonna cut the power to the amp.

All right, you guys know me as the guy

that's been slinging margs all night.

Well, I hope you like 'em on the rocks,

'cause we're about to rock out![plays note]

All right, you guyshave to step back, though,

'cause I dojump around a lot.

Which one is it? The-the orangeor the white or the gray?

I don't know. I'm color-blind!

[electrical buzzing]

All right, let's do this!

[cheering, whooping]

[thud]Ow!

Hey.

Your knees feeling any better?

Yeah. Feels like

the caps are back where they're supposed to be.

Thank you. [sighs]

I'm sorry you didn't get your bonus.

Yeah. I think not being able to get the power back on

and everyone leaving was sort of a deal breaker.

Yeah.

And me landing on Paula

after my leap probably didn't help, either.

And you were right.

I was totally jealous.

I couldn't standseeing you flirt with her.

Well, I was only flirting to make you jealous.

You're who I want.

I obviously stillhave feelings for you, too,

which is why this wholefriends idea is not gonna work.

Okay, yeah, so... what are you saying?

Should we give us a try again?

No. That won't work, either.

If we got back together,it would just

end up uglylike it always does.

I don't know. Maybe this time it won't.

If it was just you and me,I might take that chance.

But I can't riskputting Sammy through that.

So where does this leave us?

We're a divorced coupleraising a kid.

When he's with me,he's with me.

When he's with you,he's with you, and that's it.

Okay, I give up.

We'll do things your way.

[sighs]

I'm not walking slowly to be dramatic.

I'm just in tremendous pain.

May I freshen that up for you?

No, no.No, thank you, Luis.

I think my lipsare functional again.

Oh.Oh.

Oh. That hurt worse than getting collagen injections.

[sighs]

Um, or so I'm told.

Wow. It smells great in here.

Oh, Luis has preparedan authentic Mexican meal.

It is nothing much: chicken mole

which has been slow cooking the entire day,

platanos con crema and nopalitos.

I had my heart set on nuking some fish sticks,

but this is good.

That's her way of saying thank you, Luis.

I know.I'm actually quite touched.

I just wanted to reiterate that I've never gotten my lips done.

Mm.

They're just naturally plump.Mm.

Speaking of lies...

...I just want to tell youI'm really sorry

that we can't takethat trip to San Diego.

Well, actually,you might be

taking that vacationafter all. Luis?

Jackie, I have signedthis comically large check

over to you, so now you andSammy can go see the baby rhino.

Thank you so much!

Not that there's any take-backs here,

but weren't you gonna use thisto see your family?

Well, I have decidednot to go.

Yes, I miss Mexico, butElizabeth has helped me realize

that I don't need to go awayto be surrounded by family.

Are you sure, Javier?

Mom, the tribe has spoken.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org