Original subtitles

* [ ]

[ROARS]

[SHIP HORN BLOWING]

NARRATOR: Ladies and Gentlemen,

for reasons that you will soon understand,

the makers of this motion picture

ask you not to divulge what you are now about to see

to any living person.

Thank you.

We take you now to the independent

Duchy of Grand Fenwick,

the smallest country on the face of the globe.

This tiny but prosperous nation,

which occupies a total area of 15 and 3/4 square miles

lies high in the French Alps,

somewhere around...

I beg your pardon...

Somewhere along...

Oh, yes, here.

Grand Fenwick was founded in the year 1430

by Sir Roger Fenwick,

a poor but honest British baronet,

who, as he later said,

took a fancy to the neighborhood

and moved in.

Thus, thanks to Sir Roger,

Fenwick is the only English-speaking country

in Europe.

Modern Fenwick is ruled by Duchess Gloriana XII,

who is a direct descendant of Sir Roger,

and is beloved by all her subjects.

Although still in mourning for her departed consort,

Count Leopold of Bosnia-Herzegovina,

who disappeared during a tiger hunt 27 years ago,

the duchess takes an active interest

in her country's welfare.

Fenwick's parliament...

Here is the hereditary Prime Minister,

Count Rupert of Mountjoy,

a graduate of both Oxford and Cambridge.

Fenwick's Forest...

Here, in these sheltered glades,

the welfare of its feathered and furry folk

is watched over by Fenwick's hereditary Forest Ranger,

Tully Bascombe.

Fenwick's Army...

Although Fenwick has been at peace for 500 years,

the longbow remains the national weapon.

Here, the army exercises

under the guidance of Tully Bascombe,

who is also the hereditary Field Marshall

and Grand Constable of the armed forces.

Aim!

Fire!

If many Fenwickians seem to resemble each other,

this may, perhaps, be ascribed

to the influence of the founder,

who was in every possible way the Father of his country.

Fenwick's prosperity is based on its only export,

Pinot Grand Fenwick,

the small but sturdy local wine

with a virile but friendly bouquet.

For some obscure reason,

the United States has always been the major market

for this wine.

Thus, secure in its prosperity

and invigorated by its high Alpine climate,

Fenwick has always been a happy country.

[CHEERING]

[CAR HONKING]

However, in 1959,

a California wine grower bottled an imitation

of Pinot Grand Fenwick

and called it Pinot Grand Enwick.

Backed by a vast advertising campaign

and sold at a lower price...

this imitation soon drove Pinot Grand Fenwick

out of the American market.

As a result, in a very short time...

the Duchy of Grand Fenwick

was in a state of absolute crisis.

One fateful day...

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Pray, silence!

Gentlemen, you made me drop a stitch.

Your pardon, your Grace,

but has the Prime Minister never thought

of sending a protest to the Untied States

about this Californian fellow and his imitation wine?

My dear chap, I have sent not one protest, but three.

Mind you, the situation is complicated by the fact

that we have never officially recognized the United States.

So we've to send all our protests through Monte Carlo.

The sad truth is

that each of these protests have been ignored,

until today when I received this.

What is it, Bobo?

It's a pamphlet from their Department of Agriculture

on how to grow grapes for wine.

But if that goes on, we'll be bankrupt.

My friend, we are bankrupt.

As of today, we are living on Petty Cash.

Good heavens, if only poor Leopold were alive today.

Your Grace, Gentlemen,

our situation is indeed desperate.

We stand poised on the brink of disaster.

There is only one way out...

War!

We must declare war

on the United States.

But we could never win such a war.

Of course not,

but we could win the peace.

I've given this a lot of thought, gentlemen,

and I'm perfectly positive I'm right.

You must remember...

the Americans are a very strange people.

Whereas other countries rarely forgive anything,

the Americans forgive everything.

There isn't a more profitable undertaking for any country

than to declare war on the United States

and to be defeated.

True, true.

No sooner is the aggressor defeated

than the Americans pour in food, machinery, clothing,

technical aid and lots and lots of money

for the relief of it's former enemies.

In other words, gentlemen, in effect,

we declare war on Monday,

we are defeated on Tuesday and by Friday,

we will be rehabilitated beyond our wildest dreams.

Yes, but is that honest, Bobo?

No, not really, but it's...

terribly practical and infallible, too.

I give you my word your Grace.

It will solve all our problems.

But we have no Army.

Oh, pish, posh, who needs an army.

20 men or so would be quite sufficient.

And who's going to lead them?

Tully Bascombe of course.

He's our hereditary Field Marshall

and Grand Constable.

Tully?

No, not Tully.

He's... Well, he's a very nice boy,

but he's never been any good at games.

Exactly.

You can't send Tully on a mission like this.

He's got fallen arches, flat feet, sinus, migraine,

claustrophobia and high blood pressure...

apart from being near-sighted

and getting dizzy in high places.

We're not asking him to climb the Alps, you know.

All Tully has to do is to get the men over there.

Once they try to land in New York without visas,

they will be arrested,

and that's all there is to it, really.

I don't want anyone hurt.

Of course not your Grace.

I'll tell Tully to be very careful.

Besides, we can send Will Buckley with him.

Buckley was a sergeant in the British Army

in the other war.

He can act as interpreter.

Well, Gentlemen, there's only one way.

We have but one choice...

Bankruptcy or Prosperity.

Which will it be?

I move we declare war on the United States of America.

As leader of the Party of the Common Man,

I say that war is reprehensible,

barbaric, unforgivable, and unthinkable!

And I second the motion.

Well, we're at war with America.

Well done, sir, an historic moment.

And a profitable one, too, I hope.

Will, take this down to the post office

and get it into the post immediately will you?

Certainly, sir.

Oh, and Will,

you'd better put a special delivery stamp on it.

At once, sir.

My friend, the die is cast.

But our cause is just...

There is a time and tide...

To be or not to be...

That is the question.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Our country, right or wrong.

Right.

We'll drink to that.

To our glorious defeat.

Oh, Tully... Yes?

What do you want?

Well, sir, it's about this war.

I--I'd sooner not go,

if you know what I mean?

I don't know what you mean, Tully,

and I'm surprised at you.

You know how badly we need the money.

Yes, I know, sir,

but I don't like to leave the forest just now.

It's the mating season.

Tully, this thing is bigger than the mating season.

This is your country calling!

Yes...yes.

Now, run along, Tully and get your army together.

All right, sir.

And don't do anything

to make the Americans angry with you!

I'll be careful, sir.

Oh, come, come, Tully, look here,

you'll enjoy every moment of it.

It's great sport.

Besides, the ocean voyage will do wonders for you.

I get seasick, sir.

My dear fellow, with their new stabilizers

and all that sort of rigmarole...

the modern ocean liner is as steady as a rowboat.

I get seasick in rowboats.

Tully, please...

Well, there you are. Pretty good turn out.

Yes, I shouldn't think they'll want to go, Will,

not with the harvest coming up...

I expect I shall have to appeal to their sense of patriotism.

Men of Fenwick...

Do you love your country?

Yes!

When you hear the name of Grand Fenwick,

do your hearts swell with pride?

Yes!

And if your country calls, will you rush to enlist?

No!

Oh...

I don't think I'm very good at this, Will.

Better leave it to me.

Yes...

Now, men, I want 20 volunteers.

[LAUGHTER]

All of you, form up in ranks!

On the double!

And stand still!

Well, men.

Here is the situation...

We're at war.

We're going to invade the United States of America...

Good luck, mate.

Now, if you'll let me explain how this situation...

I told you with the harvest coming up,

they wouldn't want to go.

I'll give them harvest.

[SHOUTING]

* [ ]

[CHEERING]

Men of Grand Fenwick, have no fear...

Providence will smile upon you, because your cause is just.

I know that you will all uphold the honor of your country,

and let it cheer your hearts to know

that your Government has managed the money

for your return fare home...

if necessary.

[CHEERING]

Bless you all!

Right, men, up bags.

Company, to the right face!

By the right, quick march!

I do hope the Americans are kind to them.

They're a fine, fine body of men.

And the best investment this country ever made.

A Declaration of War!

To the President, Congress,

and People of The United States of America,

Greetings.

act of aggression...

Declare a state of war exists

between Grand Fenwick and the United States of--

Oh, those boys in the Press Room,

always making with the jokes.

Eight, nine, ten, out!

Company...

Left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right, left, right.

Pick 'em up. Pick 'em up.

Keep going, you landlubbers!

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right...

I think I'll go up on deck, Will.

You are up on deck.

Oh...

Why don't you go below if you feel seasick, Will.

I'll be all right.

Will, Will...

Uh, tell the men...

I think I'd like to be alone.

[THUNDER BOOMING]

Listen to this, sir.

The President of the United States

announced a practice air raid alert

which will affect the entire East Coast of the Country.

Ships will be forbidden entry into any port

until the alert is over.

When does it start?

In less than an hour, sir.

New York completely deserted--

that should be quite a sight.

It's because of this new bomb they're working on, I suppose?

That's it, sir.

The Q-bomb they call it.

They say it'll make the H-bomb look like a firecracker.

Hmph.

It'll never replace the British Navy, Tomkins.

Oh no, sir.

Look sir, look sir!

The Queen Elizabeth!

[SHIP'S HORN BLOWING]

Turn about!

The port of New York's closed!

What are you doing down there?

Turn about!

The Port of New York's closed.

Do you hear me?

The Port's closed!

What's the matter with them?

Stay away from--

Hey, stop that!

What are you playing at? This is dangerous.

Stop!

But we're at war, Sergeant.

Not with everybody.

[SHIP'S HORN HONKING]

That's funny, I can't see anybody.

Looks deserted.

Yes, that's what I mean...

There doesn't seem to be anyone around

we can surrender to.

There's nothing moving, Will.

No boats or anything.

Is it a Sunday?

No, it's Monday.

We'd better check with the Skipper.

Yeah, yeah.

There it is. The land of the enemy.

It's big.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Are you crazy?

Don't you know, we're supposed to lose the war?

Well, no one told me.

There's 175 million people in the United States.

Yeah, but there's only 10 million in New York.

We'll outsmart them, that's all.

C'est impossible.

Where is the health department,

Customs, Immigration?

We were just wondering the same thing.

Ah, but it is very peculiar.

Hey, see that big building?

Well?

I saw it first. It's mine.

At the double! At the double!

Now, then, men,

please make sure you've got your passports

and Health Certificates handy.

Sir?

Well, what is it?

The invasion map, sir.

It's getting me down.

Why doesn't somebody come and capture us?

Where is everybody?

Maybe it's a holiday.

Why don't they come out and fight?

Fight?

I know they've declared New York an open city.

I think we should go back to the ship and wait.

Wait? Wait for what?

Just wait.

Oh, come on.

[SILLY SQUEAKING]

[LOUDER SQUEAKING]

It's you.

Your mail's got rusty in the rain.

Germ warfare.

Since when have there been sticky germs?

Chewing gum.

Germ warfare...

Why don't we storm a building just for a start?

No, let's keep going.

We're sure to find somebody.

Come on.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey! Look, sir.

That's where they all are--

underground.

Cowards.

Hey, you down there,

why don't you come up and fight?

Don't!

You'll make them angry.

Field Marshal, look at this.

It's an air raid drill.

Everybody's underground.

Maybe we should go underground, too.

We can surrender when it's all over.

"Air raid drill today.

"President today announced development of plans

"for a new bomb

"infinitely more powerful than the H-bomb

"and capable of devastating an area

of two million square miles."

[WHISTLES]

"Designed by the noted scientist, Dr. Alfred Kokintz

"of New York Institute of Advanced Physics,

"a prototype of the new bomb is expected to be a reality

in a matter of weeks."

Give me the map.

Maybe you were right.

Maybe we should wait at the ship.

No, no, we must get off the streets now.

After all, we are guests here.

We don't want to spoil their air raid drill.

Ah, yes, there's the Arsenal.

That's on 64th Street and 5th Avenue...

We can cut through this, uh, Central Park.

Over there.

All right men,

all in favor of going over there right away

and surrendering say "Aye".

[ALL TOGETHER]: Aye!

You're a fine disciplined body of men.

Let's go.

Come on, what are you doing up here anyway?

But all I wanted was some cigarettes.

Well, borrow one.

Okay, give me one.

Here. Thanks.

All right, now, come on, get going,

and don't let me catch you up here again--

All right.

Good thing this isn't a real air raid.

Some people just want to get killed.

They just want to get killed.

[SIRENS]

Look at that.

Decontamination Squad.

Boy, that's the job I wanted.

No walking.

Yeah.

Hairpin, please.

I don't have any, Papa.

Well, a-- a bobby pin, then.

So...

[EMITTING BUZZING NOISES]

Finished.

That's the warning apparatus in place.

You really have to get some food and sleep now, Papa.

You've been at it without a break for 48 hours...

Now, I've had a bed put up in the Institute shelter.

Shelter? What shelter?

There's a practice air raid alert on.

We should have been down there an hour ago.

An alert? For why?

Because of you, Papa.

Because of you and this bomb of yours.

I see.

I wonder what they would think

if they knew about my little working model.

I think that they would all be very afraid.

[DEVICE EMITS LOUD STATIC]

I'm glad that warning apparatus works.

Yeah, of course.

[EMITTING WARNING SOUND]

Come on, Papa, please.

Yes, for how long?

It could be some time.

They want people to get used to long alerts.

Then I will have to remove the detonator

to make it harmless.

It's very sensitive.

It can go off like, like, like, like...

Are you sure you haven't got a hairpin?

Hey, what's going on here?

Why aren't you two in the air raid shelter?

What's the big idea?

What's the idea of coming into this lab without knocking?

Look, Sister, this is an alert.

So let's be alert.

Come on. Out. Out. Out.

Look, you'll get out,

if you know what's good for you.

Are you kidding?

Now, you two can go peaceable, or I can drag you out.

So which is it going to be?

Hey, what are we doing, playing games here?

Come along, Pop.

Don't you know that's Dr. Kokintz?

Kokintz, Smokintz, who cares?

Come on, let's get go--

Wait a minute...

Kokintz?

You mean the fellow with the Q-bomb?

That's right.

No kidding?

No kidding.

Hi, Doc.

How do you do?

Hey, this is it, huh?

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

That's it,

but it's a secret.

Now, do you mind leaving us alone?

My father wants to disconnect it.

What?

You mean it's connected?

It sure is,

and what's more, it's on a hair trigger,

so please don't slam the door on the way out.

Yeah, sure. Okay.

See you later, Doc.

Yes, goodbye.

Hey...

Why isn't he in Oak Ridge

with the rest of the scientists?

He's eccentric.

He likes to work alone.

But I thought this thing

was only in the planning stage.

It was.

This is his first working model.

He wants to surprise everybody.

Great sense of humor.

Oh... one more question.

Why is it so different from an H bomb?

The H bomb?

This new bomb is based on quodium,

which is 100 times more powerful than hydrogen.

In fact,

my father uses an H-bomb just to trigger this one off.

It could probably blow up all of North America.

Yeah, and some of South America, also.

Any more questions?

Yeah, where do you have to go to be safe?

Now, that is a difficult question.

Carbon 14, you understand?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, that's a dangerous thing you've got there.

Yes it is.

Let's just hope that it'll never be used.

That's a nice thought.

I feel better already.

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

Now, you really must try to be more careful.

Good bye. Just a minute!

You haven't had anything to eat since yesterday, Papa.

How about asking this man to bring us some sandwiches?

I've got an awful lot of things to do.

Oh, now, you wouldn't want my father's hands

to shake from hunger, would you?

What kind? Cheese? Chopped liver?

Chopped liver?

Chopped liver...

With a pickle, please.

With a pickle...

Well, I can't understand it.

According to the map,

we're supposed to be taking a short cut.

I'm tired.

Oh, chin up, Cobbley.

Perhaps when we get to the Arsenal,

they'll give us a nice cup of tea.

Will, someone's left the engine running.

Maybe we can get a lift.

Yeah.

Hey!

What's the matter?

There's some guys hanging around the truck.

Air raid wardens?

No, these are funny-looking guys.

What do you mean, funny-looking?

I mean funny-looking, like fish.

Who are you kidding?

What do you mean, like fish?

They've got scales.

Where?

All over them.

Mulligan, you sick or somethin'?

Men from outer space!

They're off a flying saucer.

Off of sputnik.

Oh, look!

They've seen us.

Let's get out of here!

Men from outer space!

They're off a flying saucer.

Ray guns!

I'm getting out of this suit.

Me, too.

Don't shoot.

We'll get into trouble.

Hold it.

They're not from outer space.

They're Americans.

They probably belong to this truck.

Let's go after them, tell them we're sorry.

No, it's too late. Let's go and surrender

before we get in any more trouble. Come on.

No, just a minute,

we shouldn't leave this truck

with the engine running, should we?

We'll turn it in.

That'll make them happy.

All right men, into the truck.

We'll ride to the Arsenal.

Come on.

You wait here. I'll get to a phone

and call "Special Reports."

Yeah, right.

Okay, you come on down the subway!

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm a decontamination man.

Yeah, where's your uniform?

I threw it away

when I was being chased by the men from outer space.

I'm waiting for my partner.

Come on, you going to come quietly?

Listen--

Come on, come on.

Men from Mars... I saw them.

Men from Mars!

Special Reports?

Special Reports.

What's your name and section?

O'Hara. Section 4300 Sub-section 3, Decontamination.

Okay, go ahead.

There's a bunch of men from a flying saucer

just landed in Central Park.

How many?

50 or 60.

50 or 60 men

from a flying saucer--

Say, what is this?

Just what I said. I saw them.

50 or 60...

with metal heads,

and all covered in some kind of shiny stuff.

They fired at us with some kind of a Ray gun

in Central Park.

You've been told to keep out of Saloons, haven't you?

The job you're doing is serious.

Where are you now?

I'm in a grocery store on Columbus Avenue and 69th Street,

and I ain't been in any saloon.

Well, stay right where you are.

I'm going to send somebody over.

Off a flying saucer, 300 of them in Central Park.

Men from Mars, 400 of them in Central Park.

We have been invaded from Mars, thousands of them.

Men from Mars.

Flying saucers all over the place.

Men from Mars with Ray guns.

Yeah, I know.

Right, men, number up!

[MUMBLED COUNTING]

Twenty-one?

Twenty-two, sir.

All present and correct, sir.

Good.

Now, then, lads, remember, there is nothing wrong

in surrendering to overwhelming odds

provided we do it in a military fashion.

Yes...

Carry on.

Right, men.

Fall in, smartly!

All right, lads, follow me.

That way. Quick march.

Halt!

Tully?

Yes?

Look at that.

New York Institute of Advanced Physics.

That's not the Arsenal, is it?

No. We're lost again. Yes...

All right men, back to the truck

at the double.

Will!

This is General Snippet. Get me Washington.

Yes, Snippet?

Oh, Mr. Secretary, I have to report

an emergency situation in New York.

There's a rumor going around

the city's been invaded by men from Mars,

and it's spreading like wildfire.

Did you say men from Mars?

Yes, sir, in Central Park.

Well, how did that rumor begin?

Well, a civil defense squad leader turned in a report.

Was he drunk? Well, we thought so,

but I thought I'd better make a report on it anyway.

All right, Snippet, you go out

and make a personal inspection of that Park

and report to me.

This kind of nonsense can ruin an exercise,

designed to protect

the largest city of our Nation.

A city which, I don't need to stress,

has been entrusted to your care!

Get me my jeep!

We really better not wait any longer, Papa.

We have to get down to the shelter.

Very well, but I am hungry.

I'll do the bomb before we go.

Well, I don't understand

why that warden doesn't come back

with the sandwiches.

Even with white bread, with no pickle...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, thank goodness.

Just put the food here--

Oh!

Who are you?

What do you want?

Well, what is it?

Um, I'm Tully Bascombe, and this is Will Buckley.

Is that Dr. Kokintz? Er, yes, I am.

Oh, how nice. We just took a chance, and here you are.

You didn't bring my sandwiches?

Sandwiches?

Um...er...no, sir, we've come to capture you.

Is this some kind of a joke?

What are those uniforms?

You're not wardens.

No, Miss, we're soldiers.

I haven't got time to explain now,

but we're at war with America.

We came over here to surrender,

and now, I think if we take Dr. Kokintz back with us,

we shall be in a much better bargaining position.

That is it in brief.

They're both crazy.

Yes, phone the Police.

Call the Army!

That's no use, sir.

Everybody's underground.

What's that on the table?

It's a coffee percolator.

A coffee percolator.

Is it?

I've never seen an American percolator.

What do I push?

Don't push anything!

I think that's the Q-bomb.

Yes.

Small, isn't it?

It's made portable.

Well, well, well.

We'd better take it along, too, Tully.

Yes, that's a very good idea, Will.

Corporal?

Well, shall we go, sir?

You leave my father alone!

Oh, you're his daughter.

Well, you'd better come along as well.

Look, I don't think you know what you're doing.

No! No violence, please.

The bomb...

Now, Mr. Grand Marshal, please permit me

to dismantle it first.

I'm sorry, sir, but we haven't time.

Now, how do I carry it?

Carefully...

But, Mr. Constable, don't stumble,

don't fall,

because if you fall,

all of America falls with you.

I see.

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

Shall we go?

Fall in, you men!

Please treat the bomb with great care.

Do be careful.

Get 'em in quickly.

Come along.

Take cover, all of you!

What is this?

What's happening here?

What's your name, soldier?

I'm General Snippet, you fool. Who are you?

What's going on around here? Why are you dressed like this?

I'm Field Marshal

and Chief Constable Tully Bascombe,

and you're prisoners of war.

Field Marshal and Chief Constable of what?

The Duchy of Grand Fenwick.

All right, Fenwick, you're under arrest.

You'll get 100 years for this.

We'll talk about it in Grand Fenwick.

You'll be treated

with all deference due to your rank, General.

Um...

Take them away, men.

150 years--

on bread and water...

We interrupt this program

for an important announcement.

Contrary to rumor there are...

[RADIO STATIC]

from Mars in the city...

Do not panic.

What'd he say?

Hey, cut that out! It's my radio.

What did he say?

...men from Mars in the City.

So stay where you are.

We have...

[RADIO STATIC]

been invaded by men from Mars.

Did you hear that?

I knew it.

I knew it had to come.

...men from Mars in the city, so stay where you are.

[SCREAMING]

Ahoy, there!

Well, Field Marshal, you weren't away very long.

How did the war with the United States go, huh?

We won!

Mr. Secretary, sir.

Yes, Captain, what is it?

It's General Snippet. He's still missing.

Oh, that man's an idiot.

I'll have his star for this.

But they've found his jeep

at the New York Institute of Advanced Physics.

They--

Go on.

They say it was shot full of arrows...

Arrows?

That's the report, sir. They're

flying them down from New York.

Also there was a flag.

On the arrows?

On one of the Customs sheds at the docks.

What flag is it?

Nobody's identified it yet,

but they're flying it down, too.

Also, those, uh...

rumors about men from Mars,

they're still spreading.

I'm going to stop this alert.

There's something funny going on,

and I don't like it.

A foreign flag on a Customs shed?

Yes, sir.

Now, Fothergill,

you're in charge of Post Exchange Relations.

I think we all realize how important it is

to the well-being of any community

to have a helpful, friendly P.X.

So...be on your toes,

and under the circumstances, gentlemen, I see no reason

why we can't let the Americans have our wine

at a generous discount.

Right. Agreed?

Hear, hear!

Yes... Mayberry!

First impressions are always the strongest,

So be sure and give those smiling, boyish G.I.s

a fine friendly welcome when they arrive.

Of course.

And, er--

as soon as we get the money,

we simply must get hold of some of those malted milk machines,

right?

And not forget about the hot dogs.

Hear, hear.

Which, er--

brings me, gentlemen,

to the question of non-fraternization.

Now, the Occupation Authority is certain to be very strict

in this matter,

and, naturally,

we will want to co-operate in every possible way.

I should imagine that non-fraternization

will last for approximately...

What? 48 hours, eh?

48 hours.

After which, gentlemen,

we will want those lonesome G.I. boys

to feel that this is a real home away from home.

I think that deals with everything.

Are there any questions?

No.

Good.

Except, uh...

shouldn't we have heard something by now?

My dear fellow, not to worry.

Even a complete nincompoop like Tully can't spoil this war.

Come on.

Keep moving!

I don't want any more exercise.

Half-an-hour. Field Marshal's orders.

Move!

On the double! On the double!

[BOMB'S STATIC ALARM SOUNDING]

It is worse than sitting on a barrel of gunpowder.

Much worse.

He won't let you dismantle it?

No, I told him it was dangerous.

He said he wants it dangerous.

He's power crazy.

He knows whoever has the bomb has the world by the tail.

There is only one way to save us.

Now, you must persuade him to let me make it harmless.

I must persuade him?

Why me?

He likes you.

Well, I don't like him.

For America...

No, sir, not me.

For mankind.

I hate him.

That is irrelevant.

Not to me.

Please...do it?

Is it absolutely necessary, Papa?

Absolutely.

Sorry, visiting time is over.

Yes, I am just coming.

Absolutely.

Okay.

Will you please tell the Dictator

I'd like to see him?

Who, ma'am?

Bascombe.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Are you a typical American girl, ma'am?

Come on!

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, as a matter of fact Mr. Bascombe...

Mr. Bascombe?

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

Is everything all right?

Oh, wonderful, couldn't be better.

A two by four cabin

on a rocky old boat

with a deadly bomb ready to explode under the floor.

What more could a girl ask?

Oh, that's nice.

Thanks a lot.

Is there something I can do for you?

Yes, you could let my father dismantle the bomb.

I'm sorry, I couldn't do that.

Please, as a personal favor to me?

No, no, I couldn't.

I knew it wasn't any use talking to you.

Go away.

All right.

I think you're holding me.

I am?

Is this the way you treat all your prisoners of war?

I'm sorry.

Oh, I didn't mean to offend you.

I hope you're not upset.

No, I'm not upset.

Do you forgive me?

Yes.

Can I go now, please?

Not just yet, please.

Surely, Mr. Bascombe, despite everything,

we can still be friends, can't we?

Yes.

That's nice.

I've always admired strong, silent men, like you.

You're awfully young and handsome

to be a real Field Marshal and everything.

Do you like American girls?

I don't know any Ame--

American girls but you.

I like you.

That's nice.

Would you like to kiss me?

I wouldn't mind.

You can turn round right now and kiss me if you want to.

Really?

Really.

[TULLY MOANING WITH NAUSEA]

Listen to this.

Look out for a pirate ship flying a double-headed eagle.

She may attack you.

What's that mean?

I can't imagine, sir.

Oh, a ship on the port bow, sir.

Is that so?

Well, perhaps she's seen this pirate ship.

Hello! Hello, you down there.

Have you seen a little--

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Mons-- Monsieur!

Help! This is a kidnapping.

Inform the United States Embassy that seven--

All right, come on.

Take your hands off me!

What was all that about?

I don't know, I don't speak French.

Hurry, please, I can't keep the President waiting,

and don't forget that Declaration of War.

No, sir.

Fine thing, the United States and the Grand Duchy of Fenwick

are at war,

and it takes the F.B.I. to find out about it.

Yes, sir.

The Declaration was found behind the radiator

in that fellow's office in the State Department,

wasn't it, sir?

Yes, sir.

I mean, yes.

Anyway, Chester won't like it on the island of Yap,

but how am I going to tell the President

that we've been successfully invaded

by a bunch of fifteenth century Europeans?

Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way, sir.

And all over some imitation wine.

But what I can't understand

is why they had to resort to war.

There are many ways of settling differences

short of war,

and we've always been nice to little countries

all over the world.

Yes, sir, but they did send us some protests,

didn't they, sir, and we ignored them.

How am I going to break the news to the President

that we've lost the war?

Lost the war, sir?

Just because they landed, and took a few hostages,

and then got away again.

Listen, this is Top Secret.

Not only did they capture Dr. Kokintz,

but they also took his working model of the Q-bomb.

The Q bomb! Well, that means--

Yeah, sure.

They just about control the world.

How am I going to tell that to the President?

[YANKEE DOODLE DANDY PLAYING]

Oh dear, this is so thrilling.

So exciting.

Where are my smelling salts, Ada?

Hello, Bobo?

Happy Day.

Shouldn't they be here by now?

Do you remember what that telegram said?

Yes, it said, uh, er,

arriving approximately 2:00 P.M..

with Americans and wonderful news.

Love, Tully.

Good. Good.

I hope they don't bring too many G.I.s.

They know we're a small country, don't they?

Oh, of course they do.

Anyway, they're very considerate

about that sort of thing.

They're coming!

They're coming! They're coming!

Company, fall in!

Well, Your Grace, we're home.

Actually, there's been a slight change of plan.

Uh, I know it will come as a surprise,

a pleasant one, I hope.

but we...sort of won.

You sort of what?

Well, sir, it's a long story.

but we captured the Q-bomb...

the most destructive weapon in the world,

and we've got some prisoners, too.

This is Dr. Kokintz who invented the bomb,

this is his daughter, Helen,

this is General Snippet,

and these are New York policemen.

Oh, and, uh, this is the Bomb.

Blithering idiot.

Lady, please,

if this bomb should explode, it would wipe out most of Europe.

I beg of you, let me make it harmless.

We can't do that, your Grace.

If they make it harmless, we haven't won anything.

Just some prisoners.

Oh, dear.

This is most terribly complicated.

Isn't it?

Er...

put the bomb away somewhere

in a dungeon.

And er...

the doctor and, er...

Miss, er...Pokins, can have the rooms next to mine.

Would you like orange or tomato juice

with your breakfast?

Orange, please.

Orange...

But, Lady this bomb is not the kind of prisoner

you can shut up in a dungeon.

Listen, everybody!

This bomb is stolen property.

It belongs to the United States of America.

Now, you stop that.

We won it fair and square, your Grace.

Give it back please!

If you don't,

you'll live in terror for the rest of your lives.

Give it back!

It's the honest thing to do.

It's the wise thing to do.

It's-- It's the American thing to do.

There goes a red-blooded American girl.

Your Grace, this is General Snippet.

He's a real General.

I warn you, Madam, I know the Geneva convention by heart.

Oh, how nice.

You must recite it to me some evening.

I play the Harpsichord.

Right this way, here, won't be long.

Come on, in here, that'll do.

Thank you, sir.

Take your hands off me!

Who do you think you think you are?

Psychological warfare.

Brain-washing...

Remember men, only your name, rank, and serial number--

What if they torture us?

Never mind what they do.

Don't talk!

Can we scream a little?

Now, the first thing to do is to form an escape committee,

and then--

Ah, there you are, General.

Well, what do you think about our...exhibits?

I'm disappointed in you, Lady.

You'll never get away with it...

There are international laws for the treatment of prisoners.

You can't torture us,

and you can't keep us in this cell, either.

My dear General, this is not a cell.

This is a museum...

We don't do these things anymore.

Oh. Oh, really?

Well, I knew it all the time.

I was just testing you fellows.

Well, If you're ready, I'll show you to your rooms.

Just a minute.

Are they regulation-sized cells, eight by six?

I really don't know.

I've never measured them.

And meals...

They've got to be served on standard-sized tin plates.

I don't believe we have any tin plates, here, General.

Then we refuse to move.

Unless you can convince me that my men and I

will be treated according to the regulations,

I'm not budging one inch!

Excuse me.

I see.

Are you sure you won't have something to eat, General?

Only if it's served on a tin plate.

Very well.

Follow me, Gentlemen, will you?

Men, stand on your rights.

Well, we'll show them that they can't--

Men, where are you?

Men, men!

And you?

No.

I hope the General's okay.

[THE RIVER KWAI MARCH PLAYING]

I showed them.

No tin plates, eh?

They had tin plates.

Here is the news...

The situation seems grave tonight,

and lights are burning late

in every Chancellery on the continent of Europe.

More men are under arms than ever before

in the history of the world.

In parliament tonight,

the Prime Minister said that Britain and Grand Fenwick

were united not only by ties of language and history,

but by blood,

and that it was only a matter of pure accident

that the tiny Duchy was not a member of the Commonwealth.

Therefore, her Majesty's Government

will do all in its power

to protect the integrity of this British outpost

across the Channel.

There were cheers from both sides of the House.

In Paris, the President stated

that not only was Fenwick historically a part of France,

but the interest of these two wine-loving

and wine-growing countries were identical

and would be maintained at all costs.

There were scenes of excitement in Moscow tonight,

where the Premier said

that although the Soviet Union had invented a Q-bomb of its own

many years ago,

the peace-loving workers of the U.S.S.R.

would do everything necessary to prevent the Fenwick bomb

from falling into the greedy, blood-stained hands

of the imperialist war-mongering...

hyenas.

In the United States,

the New York Yankees defeated the Milwaukee Braves 6-2

in the final game of the World Series...

the American version of football.

Meanwhile, there is no word from Grand Fenwick,

which seems now to control the destiny of the world.

The tiny country apparently remains calm,

unconcerned, and indeed almost indifferent

to the rising tension.

Sir...

It's from China.

It says...

If there is anything we can do

to help you against the United States,

please don't hesitate to ask.

Warmest regards.

Impossible.

No matter what, we simply can't do business with Red China.

It's not from Red China.

It's from the other one.

Oh.

Well, gentlemen, we're in trouble.

Now, what are we going to do about it?

Well, I don't know what all the fuss is about, sir.

We can take a plane with 40 paratroops

over to that little jerkwater country

and get that bomb and this Kokintz out

before they know what's hit them.

General, it's not quite that simple.

Admittedly, we are at war with Grand Fenwick,

and legally entitled to attack them,

but do you want it recorded in history

that a Nation of our size

attacked the smallest country in the world?

You know something? We're stuck.

We sure are,

and now the French have offered eight divisions

to protect Fenwick from attack,

the British are considering 14.

Egypt has offered six

and a half interest in the Suez Canal.

Now, naturally, they all want to take the bomb home

for safe keeping.

Argentina, Brazil, France, Germany, Italy,

they all want to help us.

It's impossible.

We fought a war and reaped

as the fruits of victory, disaster.

Well, it was all your idea, Bobo.

My idea?

My idea was perfectly sound.

Only an imbecile could have won this war, and he did.

I know, but he...

he meant well.

And the Russians have offered 20 divisions

and have told Fenwick they want an answer

within 48 hours.

We'll give them 30 divisions.

General, you don't seem to appreciate our position.

We're at war with Fenwick.

How can we send troops to protect our enemy?

Well, you know something?

We're stuck.

And as a result,

we now have this frightful engine of destruction which,

at the mere rumbling of a farm cart,

can destroy us all and the rest of Europe with us.

As a result, are we to go to war with the whole world?

Oh, I know what our impetuous young friend, there, will say...

Guard our frontiers.

I say let us give America the privilege

of guarding its own frontiers.

At least they can afford it...

Your Grace,

we must give them their bomb back immediately.

I'm not so sure about that, Bobo.

I mean, the Americans are a wonderful people,

and perhaps we shouldn't have taken their bomb.

Anyway, Bobo, even if we give it back to them,

some other country will go and invent

a Q-bomb of their own,

and then we'll have an X, Y, Zed bomb,

and someday, one of them will go off--

Boom!

Then what does your Grace suggest?

I really don't know,

but I think we should wait.

Wait? Wait for what?

I don't know, just wait.

I see.

Well, in that case, I resign.

So do I.

They're all so sensitive.

Well, Tully...

I'm afraid you're Prime Minister now.

Do try and think of something, won't you?

Well, I'll do my best, your Grace.

There's a good boy.

Oh, dear, dear...

It's all so confusing.

Having the bad conscience of the world in one's own home.

It's very difficult.

I do wish Leopold were here.

But we won, didn't we?

The world isn't the same anymore.

Hey, you know something?

Make peace with them.

That way we can protect them.

That's precisely what the President hoped you'd say,

but unfortunately,

the Secretary of State is still busy in the Far East,

so it's up to me, I'm afraid,

so I'll fly over to Fenwick immediately

and try to arrange an armistice.

Agreed?

Yeah, fine, sure.

Who is it?

May we come in?

No.

I see you're still angry.

I'm still a prisoner.

May I say how much we both enjoyed your speech

when you first arrived.

If you enjoyed it so much,

why didn't you let me finish it?

Who are you, anyway?

A friend.

Count Mountjoy, Her Grace's chief adviser.

This is Mr. Benter--

leader of the loyal opposition.

What do you want?

In return, may I ask what you want?

I thought I made that clear.

I want to get that bomb back to America

and my father and myself with it.

And General Snippet and the policemen as well.

Why not?

Hey, whose side are you on?

The side of the sanity.

In this case, dear lady, yours.

We see nothing more advantageous

than your immediate return to America with the bomb.

Do you mean that?

Absolutely...

We just want to get out of this mess.

What have you got in mind?

Well, we suggest you take that naughty bomb away,

and what is more, we will help you do it.

You mean, take it back to America?

Yes.

We shall return for you within the hour.

Be prepared to escape.

Till then, dear lady, adieu.

Oh, you American women are so charming...

So very...charming...

Look, we've only got an hour.

Pity...

[SINGING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

[KNOCKS AGAIN]

Well, come in!

I'm taking a bath, so wait out there!

You're too soon.

I didn't expect you for half-an-hour.

You didn't?

Who's that?

It's me, Tully Bascombe, remember?

How could I forget?

What do you want?

I just want to talk to you about being friends,

like you said on the boat.

That was on the boat.

You and I can never be friends. Goodbye.

You really mean that?

Yes, I do.

Get out!

[SCREAMS]

You get out of here.

You screamed.

You keep that on!

The water was cold.

How dare you come in here

when I'm stuck in this miserable barrel.

That barrel was made by a very old firm of barrel makers.

Who cares? A barrel is a barrel.

Now, you get out!

All right. I'll wait out there.

Don't wait. Come back tomorrow!

No, I'll just wait, if you don't mind.

Guard...

Do you wish to see my credentials?

I've come here to discuss a very important matter

with the Duchess Gloriana.

Our orders are to admit no one, sir.

But this is very important.

That's what they all say.

I've come here to discuss...

the surrender terms.

Whose?

Ours.

You'll have to wait here with the others.

Guard!

Aggressor!

We're all told to wait here

until we're given permission to enter

by the freedom-loving workers of Grand Fenwick.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, guard?

A little caviar, comrade?

Never touch it.

Well, General, we haven't much time.

Yes, but shouldn't we have Dr. Kokintz

disconnect it first?

We can't find him.

We looked everywhere.

But I--

Come now, General, please...General.

Well, who's going to carry it?

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

Shall we?

* Oopay oopay Come diddle-dum-day

* Oopay Come while ye may, ye may

* Away, away upon the hay

* And count them while ye may *

Look, Bascombe,

there's no use hanging around.

I have nothing to say to you,

so for the last time, will you please go.

I see.

Well...goodbye.

Goodbye, and if I never see this antique tourist trap

of yours again,

I'll be a happy girl.

Antique tourist trap?

You seem to forget we won the war.

It was an accident.

You snuck up on us.

It was broad daylight. Everybody was underground.

Well, anyway, we won.

We weren't looking.

And we've got your bomb,

and there's nothing you can do about that.

You stole it.

Is stealing part of your primitive culture, too?

It's captured booty.

It belongs to the United States.

And you belong to me.

You're my prisoner.

Thief...

Get the car.

Right.

Go away.

It's me.

Are you sure my father's waiting with the others?

Would I lie to you?

Frankly, yes. Thank you.

I promise you he's waiting with the others.

Now, please, please, come along.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

It's me again, Tully.

You can't come in. Go away!

I've just come back to say that I'm sorry,

and also that I've thought the whole thing over,

and my problem is

that I love you.

You do?

Yes.

And furthermore Helen,

I think you love me.

I do?

Yes.

Can I come in now, Helen?

No, no.

You just wait there a minute while I think.

Well, take your time, then--

Come along.

He said he loved me.

Congratulations.

I think he means it.

Yes, he's an idiot.

Please. Well, he's silly, but he's nice.

Well, write him a letter then.

I think I've always liked him.

So have I, my dear, but please let us go now!

Where are they?

Some transportation you've arranged, I must say.

It belongs to the Duchess.

I only hope she doesn't find out, that's all.

I've got my own worries.

Helen?

[KNOCKING]

Helen?

Where's my father?

Yes, where's her father?

I thought you had him.

I knew you were a snake, you snake.

My dear girl, there's nothing to worry about.

We shall look after your father, I assure you.

You just get the bomb home,

and he will be perfectly safe.

You not only expect me to leave him,

but you don't think we'd try to escape in this thing

without the bomb being dismantled, do you?

Little lady, there is no time to argue.

Please go!

Bon voyage!

Where do you suppose the Doctor is, anyway?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Helen?

[ENGINE NOISE]

My girl and my bomb.

[EXPLOSION]

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen,

this is not the end of our film.

However, something very much like this

could happen at any moment.

We just thought we ought to prepare you

and more or less put you in the mood.

Thank you,

and now, back to our story...

Five. I have another throw.

One. Six.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

I bomb Philadelphia.

Who owns Philadelphia?

I do.

Hah! You owe me 500 heavy bombers.

Here.

Now, it's my turn.

Four.

One, two, three, four.

Take a chance.

"Go to Salt mines."

Ah, ah. Fortunately, I can pay a fine, instead.

I get Saudi Arabia.

Not a bad game.

I agree.

It's called Diplomacy.

It's my chauffeur's, actually. Jolly good fun, I think.

My throw?

[CAR BACKFIRING]

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

[CAR BACKFIRING]

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

Stop it, you idiot!

[CAR BACKFIRING]

Stop it!

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

[NORMAL BOMB SOUND RESUMES]

Fix the car, you idiot!

Don't you think you ought to hold this for a while?

After all, it's your father's.

Oh, no, not me. I'm only a girl.

Hurry it up, boys.

Gently

[CAR HONKING]

Hey! Helen!

Tully! Tully! Helen!

Helen!

[CAR BACKFIRING REPEATEDLY]

Be careful!

Stop that!

What's the matter now?

It won't make the hill.

Well, do something.

Get out and push!

Now, don't jerk it.

Steady...

Put some weight behind it.

Easy, boys.

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

A car just ran into that haystack.

By jove.

Hurry up, you guys.

Come on, let's get him out of there!

General Snippet!

General, are you all right?

Come on, hurry up.

General Snippet, are you all right?

[NEW BOMB ALARM RINGING LOUDLY]

The bomb! It's going off!

Let's get going!

Get out of here.

[BOMB ALARM GETTING LOUDER AND FASTER]

Tully!

[BOMB ALARM SHRIEKING]

[BOMB ALARM STOPS AND NORMAL BOMB SOUND RESUMES]

Well, I'm ready.

Well, sir, I've never been a Prime Minister before,

and, um...uh...

Anyway, er, Point one...

The California wine must go off the market,

and we go back to business as usual.

Do you want that in the Peace Treaty?

Oh, yes, sir.

We want that in the treaty,

and we want a million dollars.

You mean a billion dollars?

No, sir, no, just-- just a million.

You can't expect us to give you a measly million?

That's less than we spent in Germany on one city alone.

Yes, but you see, sir, they lost.

Well, I can't promise to get that through.

You may have to take a billion.

Well, if you could try, sir.

And we'd like some of that to be in the form of bathtubs

and other plumbing equipment.

That's right, Helen, isn't it?

Yes, dear.

Yes. We're going to be married, sir.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Now, then, what about the bomb?

Well, er, the bomb stays here,

and Dr. Kokintz, too...

We want him to develop a chewing gum

with a Pinot Grand Fenwick flavor

which, naturally, we expect to export to the United States.

Well, do you want me to include that in the Peace Treaty?

Absolutely.

Oh, yes, that-- That must all be in.

Very well.

But now, what about the bomb?

Surely you realize

that you can't keep it indefinitely.

Well, sir, we'd like your President,

who we admire very much

to try and persuade the United Nations

to let the little countries of the world

look after the bomb.

We want a general disarmament,

and we want this league of little nations

to be in charge of the inspection,

to see that it all goes through smoothly.

You know.

I see...I think.

But, look, what you're proposing isn't new.

Everybody's been crying for disarmament for years,

and nothing happened.

What are you offering the big nations of the world

in return for their arms?

Well, sir, we offer them trust.

You see, they can't agree on anything,

because they all suspect each other.

I think we all hoped things would be better

after the last war, but...

in many ways they're worse, all these bombs and things.

Well, do you really believe

that the big nations are going to trust

a group of small neutral nations

to set up a disarmament policy for them?

Do you think they'll agree to that?

Well, I hope so, sir, because if they don't,

we'll just have to explode the bomb.

But you'd all be blown up, too.

You see, Mr. Secretary...

if there were to be an atomic war,

Fenwick would be destroyed anyway.

The way things are

we're just prolonging the agony,

aren't we?

I see what you mean.

Well, America wants nothing more than peace,

always has.

I'll do my very best, and for all our sakes,

I hope you make it.

Thank you.

It was awfully nice of you to come.

You'll be escorted back to the border.

Do give my love to your President, will you?

And Mrs. Coolidge, too.

You Highness, please

Excuse me, this is most important.

The bomb has had such a shaking up,

I think it better I give it a good look,

as soon as possible.

In fact, now.

Yes, I do think Papa's right.

Yes, well, do be careful, won't you Papa?

Thank you.

[BOMB ALARM SOUNDING]

["BOING" FROM INSIDE BOMB]

You are a dud?

All the time, it was a dud...

Remarkable.

Congratulations.

Papa, I'm proud of you.

Shh.

Only we know.

Oh, how's the bomb getting on?

Never better, Will.

Oh, fine. Fine.

All right, carry on.