Original subtitles

* Gettin' freaky now

WOMAN : Oh, my.

What are you doing?

You're driving me crazy.

MAN: Well, it's a gift.

* Ah, yeah

WOMAN: Don't stop.

MAN: Right there?

WOMAN: Yes.

MAN: Does that feel good?

WOMAN: Yes.

MAN: I thought so.

Who's your daddy? Me?

WOMAN : Yes.

Listen, uh,

I was gonna get up and feed the fish

and maybe grab a cup of coffee.

Is that okay?

WOMAN : Yes.

Oh, yeah. I might make a couple pieces of toast.

Would you like a slice?

WOMAN: Yes.

Terrific.

You're the best. Same time tomorrow?

WOMAN: Yes.

Fantastic.

* When you feel like You've lost your mind *

* I'll be the pleasure With pain *

* Are you fine?

Stanley!

Stanley, happy Halloween!

Hey, Frank. No costume today?

Nah. Hey! Whatcha got there?

No way. Come on.

I thought you said you wanted to be down

to fighting weight by Christmas.

Yeah? Did you cheat over the weekend?

No.

Stay strong. Look, look --

I'm fat! There! I said it!

It's not gonna make a difference.

Give me a doughnut. Come on!

You look great, okay? So, just stick with it.

Good to see ya. Come on.

I'm--I'm-- I'm a big guy.

I'm a big guy. One doughnut.

One doughnut!

MAN: I specifically told you

I wanted that information first thing in the morning.

Take a look at my watch, buddy boy.

It's a quarter till 11, and I don't see it.

Let me tell you something-- your performance is

lackluster at best! MAN: I did it.

I just don't know where I put it.

Can I bring it to you in an hour?

In an hour? You might not have a job

in an hour. What?

What do you mean, what?

What do you think you're gonna do,

pick up a paycheck every two weeks and sit at your desk

playing grab ass, huh? Is that what you think?

Hey, guys, I'm trying to get a little wor--

Oh. Sorry, Dave. I didn't see that was you.

What's goin' on?

What's goin' on is Rob's about to find himself out of a job.

That's what's going on. Yeah, I--I can't find

where I put the pages on the Lasky account.

Aw, the one you were working on yesterday?

Yes! Yes.

You worked all day on that, man!

I know, day and night.

Well, I meant, not to worry,

'cause I sent it down to Personnel, yeah,

so it's all taken care of. What?

I-I knew that they needed it,

and I knew that he'd finished it,

so I just figured I'd run it down there myself,

like what you talked about last week--

Just taking care of stuff when we see it,

not waiting for somebody else to do it.

So I just got it down there.

I want you to track down that report!

I need that report!

I'm sorry.

( indistinct conversations in background )

Idiots, idiots, idiots.

I'm really sorry, Dave.

You got, like, uh, maybe an hour.

Thank you very much. Yeah. Yeah.

Whew.

Whoa. Dave.

Look at that tremendous outfit, my man.

Very nice. Really strong.

I'm a pirate.

Oh. You're a pirate.

Yeah. I see. Terrific.

Hey, guys, Dave's a pirate.

MAN: Oh, really?

That's awesome. See you, Dave.

Yes. On the house.

Hey. You guys see the new girl?

No. Where?

She's fine. She just went around the corner.

Who are you? What is this?

I'm your dad.

Oh, come on.

No, it's like a tribute, man.

I'm your dad. W

Clark Kent. See?

No, hold on. You gotta do...

I like that.

It's all right. I like it. I'll go.

What's-- What's this action here

This action is called "corporate climber."

Get it?

Corporate...climber.

: That's great.

It's not-- I mean, that's kind of weak.

No, man, it's not cool, not cool.

Hey. Ha ha. Stanley's dad?

Yeah. That's good.

Did you guys see the new girl?

I know. She's hot. Smokin'.

Yeah. Yeah.

* She's got class And she's got style *

* Style

* She's got more than just A pretty smile *

MAN: Okay, everybody, listen up. Gather around.

All right. Let me introduce

this lovely young lady to my right.

Her name is Diana Evans.

All right, Diana's gonna be helping us

beef up our corporate division.

Let me tell you some things about her--

she's young, she is aggressive,

and we're happy and lucky to have her.

Diana...

MAN: Hear, hear.

Well, thank you for that lovely introduction, Mr. Sykes.

I was just hoping to slip on through here.

Uh, everyone looks so great. Happy Halloween.

: Happy Halloween.

Uh...well, I'm really looking forward to working here,

and I promise, next year, I will wear a costume, really.

And if you have any questions

or you just want to say hello,

you're welcome to come by my little cubicle anytime...

especially the gentleman in the back

with the white button-down and the gray tie.

Who

Yeah, you.

* She's got more than just A pretty smile *

* Style

I have been waiting my whole life for you.

And here you are.

You are my reason... my purpose...

my destiny.

Wow.

Thank you very much,

and I look forward to talking with all of you.

Diana.

Okay. Let me show you...

I'm gonna ask her out.

Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

You should. Go for it.

Today? Maybe.

Tonight?

Maybe. Maybe tomorrow.

( conversing indistinctly, laughing )

WOMAN: Whoo!

MAN: Oh, oh, oh.

Hmph.

( music, conversing indistinctly continue )

WOMAN: Ay-yi-yi-yi!

Hey, boss, this is your chance.

Yeah! Come on, honey!

Yeah. Wah-wah. Oh. Whoop!

( phone ringing in distance )

STANLEY: Oh, no, meter maid, 2:00.

Lovely Rita, my ass.

We gonna help this guy out?

Who's got a quarter? Come on. Who's got one?

You got one?

I don't have any pockets.

I got one. I got one.

I'm gonna put it right by him. Come on.

WOMAN: What a sweet thing to do.

Oh!

Nice toss.

STANLEY: Uh, okay. I don't care.

You tell him I need files on the Henderson account

by 3 p.m. today.

Yeah, by 3 p.m. today.

Yeah. Stanley Me-- That's right. Troubleshooter.

No, that's why they brought me in.

Look, I skipped business school, okay?

Yeah, no. You tell Flaherty he can shove it up his ass.

Yeah. No. No. Yeah. And listen,

if he wants to talk to me, you tell him that

there are four elevators and two flights of stairs

that lead all the way up to the 12th floor.

You're not, uh, talking to anybody, are you?

Hold on. No.

It's not a sweatshop. They're all legal.

Why are you still pretending?

'Cause it's fun. MICHAEL: Hang up.

I gotta go. Yeah.

Are you ready?

For what?

I have some news.

What kind of news? Lay it on me.

She broke up with her boyfriend.

: What?

Diana.

Yeah. Diana.

Yeah. Diana.

MAN: The interesting thing about this fund

is it can also invest in sponsored or unsponsored ADRs.

They're issued by our banks.

Evidencing their ownership

in specific foreign securities.

The value of these convertible securities

is a function of A,

its yield in comparison with the yields of other securities--

Kill me.

MAN: Comparable in maturity and quality, but do not have...

This is it. Right.

Right? There's you. Yeah.

There's the woman you've been in love with from afar.

There's the midget she's been dating.

He's out of the picture.

Opportunity. Window. Window. I understand it.

I'm just not ready. I-I got this.

Look, just talk to me.

Women love you, right?

Nancy constantly eyeing the package,

always staring at it, sizing it up, right?

The girl from the dim sum--

Claire. Claire. There you go.

Had a lot of hang-ups-- Claire.

That's al-- What about the girl from Déjà Vu?

Oh, my God! That girl was all over you.

You went there,

and immediately, she was just creeping on you

and, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh.

Remember that? Touching up on you?

She loved you, that girl.

That's a lap dance.

Still.

I think this mess has gone on long enough.

I gotta tell you.

I think you've waited too patiently,

through entirely too many boyfriends.

The talk about the warm, fuzzy feeling

you got when you saw her in the elevator--

MICHAEL: Makes me sick.

Bye. Have a good day. Yeah.

Now, you-- You have planned out every second

of what you hope will be the perfect evening.

Starting out in the right place with a little cocktail,

bringing it over for some theater.

Then you bring it back to the restaurant-- Yeah!

You seal the deal at the capper table.

Capper table?

It's your idea. I'm just giving it a name.

I mean, that's what you're gonna do--

you're gonna cap off your evening.

That sounds sleazy, and this is not sleazy.

Do you understand that?

S Just shut up!

That's it. You are ready.

This is it?

Yes. This is it.

And let me tell you why.

'Cause now we got window.

That's right.

I mean, you're ready to throw in the towel,

and I'm telling you, this is th-the perfect shining moment.

Right.

When one man has not measured up.

No. And the next man,

he-- He hasn't summoned the courage,

the strength to reach deep within himself

to draw forth his sword from the stone.

It is Diana. Yes!

Now we got window. We got the window.

The window you talked about.

What It's window.

You was tellin' me about it.

Oh, no, do we have window?

And now I'm telling you about it!

BOTH: It's a window! It's a window!

The window! Hmm?

The window!

Window! Window! Window!

Window!

WOMAN: On the phone here.

MAN: He got window.

MICHAEL: Conference room.

Oh, that was funny.

What are you doin'?

Yeah?

You don't just say, "Oh, that was funny."

You have to laugh.

Right. No. Ha, ha, ha.

All right.

Y-you're killing me here, okay?

Look, hold this.

This is polished. This whole thing is honed.

Right.

Do it-- Do it like Ted just told you the joke

three seconds ago. Fresh, yeah.

You come in, "Ha, ha, ha," you know?

It gives you this great energy going in.

Then you ask her how she's doing. Then...

"Great." "Good." "Sorry to hear that."

Depending on what she says. Depending on what she says.

There you go. Then you segue right into the joke.

Now, what if the joke fails? What--

It doesn't matter. It's Ted's joke.

Right. Right. No.

Make fun of Ted. He's an idiot. Right.

That's the genius of this.

So, is it on?

Yeah.

Yeah, man, it's on. It's on.

: What's up?

I know, I know. You are the man.

I'm excited. Yeah.

You get her laughin', you get her smilin'.

That's when you slip in the casual date.

Stanley, good luck!

STANLEY: Thanks. It's just a thing.

Just very casual.

That's what it is-- It's a casual thing.

That's the whole key.

It's a casual thing, and there she is.

STANLEY: Oh, God.

I'm gonna-- I need-- I need to check out the card.

MAN: And B--

Please don't do B.

Jeez, tell me about it.

Hmm? Am I getting ahead of you?

Well, sort of.

Uh, heh, we can't understand what you're saying.

Well... whose fault is that?

Yours.

It's your fault.

We asked you to come down here today

because we want a better understanding

of how our divisions could work together.

We're tired of our customers

leaving us to go to Bear Stearns or Merrill Lynch

or whoever else they're going to.

We didn't get that from you.

So now you can go back to your little cubicle--

Get back on the horn, comfortable knowing

that the nine people you had lunch with today,

along with everyone else that banks with us,

knows less about investing than you.

Hmm.

That'll do it.

Well...

You know, just kind of launch--

That's okay. He's a magician--

You don't need this. Forget this. You got it now.

I-I'd like to just take a look--

No, you don't need it. This isn't for you.

You have it up here. Give it to--

Get rid of that.

Here we go. Where's mad dog?

Come on.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, my God. You're quite welcome.

Mad dog. You're the mad dog.

She's on the rebound, man.

And I think someone else noticed, too.

You're big enough. You're strong enough.

Oh! Uhh! Diana.

Um...

That was funny. How are you?

Uh, good.

How are you? Good. Great.

Sorry to hear that.

Hmm.

I figured I'd give you a few options, you know?

Thank you. Sure.

Joke.

S--uh, say, Ted in the mailroom

just told me a hilarious joke.

It was really funny. Have you got a minute?

I'd--

Sure. Uh, but can you walk me to my office?

Yeah.

Yeah. Great.

STANLEY: There was this magician,

and he's playing to a packed audience.

And for his big finish, he kind of forces

this big guy from the audience to volunteer.

: Yes!

Well, he gets the big guy up onstage,

and he says to him,

"I want you to hit me over the head with this sledgehammer

as hard as you can."

and then the magician leans over

and whispers to him, "Don't worry. It's a trick."

And then winks at him.

So the big guy takes the sledgehammer,

raises it high into the air,

and then hits him-- the magician--

right over the head with it, as hard as he can.

Oh, my God.

Right. Exactly. Window.

Well, the magician just collapses, goes down cold.

They rush him to the hospital,

he slips in a coma. He's doing it.

Six months go by,

and he's sitting by the magician's bedside,

just like he always is, and he notices

the magician's hand start to twitch,

and then his arm--

MAN: Diana's office. Big guy can't believe it.

This guy hasn't moved for months. Suddenly--

MAN: Kevin, line one. I'll call him back.

And suddenly, he sits straight up in bed,

raises his arms above his head,

and screams, "Ta-dah!"

W--

That is so funny.

That's Ted's joke?

Oh, well, uh, yeah, his premise.

I mean, I kind of fine-tuned it and flushed it out.

That is funny. Good. Good.

Do you want to come in?

Oh. Sure. Yeah.

Come on in.

Stanley's gonna ask out Diana. Yeah.

She'll eat him alive.

Care to put some money on it?

STANLEY: Say, my, uh, best friend from college,

my college roommate-- He just won a trip to Aruba,

and he can't use his tickets for the theater tonight, so--

I mean, I know this is very short notice and everything,

but I was just gonna run the idea by you--

Sure. That'd be nice.

Excuse me?

No, no. I-it's totally casual.

You know, I'd probably just give 'em away otherwise.

You know, no big deal.

Believe me, I'm in the mood for totally casual.

I need totally casual.

Great. Great. Yeah.

That's what it is, you know. It's just casual.

It's no big deal.

Great.

Well, here is my address.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Do you mind picking me up at 7?

Not at all. There it is.

DIANA: Yeah.

Um...

I don't mean to be rude or anything,

but, um, I kind of have a lot of phone calls to make.

Tell me about it. I-I'm swamped.

Good.

I've got-- I've got a million things going on.

Yeah. Uh...

Well, this'll be fun, Steve.

Great. So, I'll see you at 7.

Seven. Bye.

It's, uh, Stanley.

But who wants to get technical about something like that?

No way.

God, you're a pimp.

Uhh!

MICHAEL: We're with you.

We're with you, my brother.

Ride...

like the wind!

For the man?

5 bucks, huh? Yeah, let it ride.

Against? You son of a bitch.

$20. There's a believer.

Look at that.

Management showing up. Okay.

Management showing support, 2 to 1 after 12.

The overnight date pays 5 to 1.

Very strong.

After midnight, pays 220.

I think Stanley's gonna get some puddin'.

I think it's sweet.

SARA: Oh, God, this guy is so not right for you.

I know. He's kind of dorky and goofy,

but every other guy I've been attracted to,

it turns out to be a disaster.

Well, maybe that's something you need to look into.

There's gotta be one prince out there.

Oh, God.

Your white knight who's noble and strong,

who opens car doors and writes poetry.

Yeah.

You're looking for a guy who slays dragons,

and, hi, chivalry's dead.

Yeah.

So I'll lower my standards with some jerk.

There's gotta be someone out there for me.

Where's he taking you?

To the theater.

Boring.

Smells like a "home early."

DIANA: I doubt it.

I'm sure he'll use the old,

"Let's go grab a bite to eat."

What time does the play start?

DIANA: Eight.

Okay. You're home by 10:30.

Oh, crap!

What? Oh, nothing.

I'm making this bowl for my mom,

and every time I try to make the lip,

it turns into this great big, enormous turd.

Well, maybe that's something you need to look into.

Home early.

Sara... I'll pray I'm wrong.

Bye. Bye.

It's showtime!

Just act normal. Just act relaxed.

DIANA: Oh.

So, this is casual?

Oh. Yeah. Did-- S

Ha, ha, ha. No. Should I change?

No. No. You look great.

I mean, yeah. Jeans. It's great.

They-- they were originally

a working pant in the Bay Area

during, uh, the gold-rush days.

Oh. Yeah, I guess so. Ha, ha, ha.

This is kind of a suit. Here, I got you these.

Aww.

It's kind of a, uh, a mix. Thank you.

They're so pretty. Oh, yeah. Sure.

I mean, most of them are real, I think.

No, I'm kidding. They're all real.

Hang on one second. Okay.

I'm gonna go bring this up.

...anymore.

I used to like my college bowl, I'll tell ya.

Hey, Michael.

What's up, man? Not much.

How are ya? Hi.

Hey, Ted. What's going on? Good to see you.

Who called you?

How's holding hands? Have they done that?

No.

Can you give me 100 on holding hands?

I'll put you down.

Okay. I have no cash.

All right. That's it. Bets are locked, all right?

Get your money down. You don't get it down now,

don't say I didn't warn you.

DIANA: I-it didn't sound right when I said it,

so I'm sorry, heh, heh.

So Stanley, I apologize profusely.

Steve.

Great name. Not mine, but, yeah.

Apology accepted. Thank you.

( people laughing, conversing in distance )

Anyway, uh, what a great idea to grab a drink.

It's very pretty.

No. Yeah.

Roses?

Damn. I don't wanna buy no roses. I'm alone.

I ain't buying a rose for my bread.

Now, don't you get no ideas about this.

I saw what you did to this chump over here,

selling roses for $5 a pop.

It's just a weed with some red leaves on it.

Now get your ass up out of here.

I see how you pressing in on the boys,

make 'em feel bad in front of their girlfriends.

Bunch of player haters.

Yeah. Pfft.

So, what are we seeing, by the way?

Well, it's called America.

it's historical, reality-based.

The kid at the college newspaper loved it.

It's a monologue,

so the characters, they talk one at a time.

Oh.

Well, that way, we would know what they're saying.

I get it. Yeah. Okay.

No, but, uh, i-it is--

It is supposed to be very good, interesting.

Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.

I'm really excited to see it.

And then, you know, afterwards, if we're hungry,

we, uh, we can go find some place, get a bite to eat.

You know, I know a great new--

Hey, you just relax.

I'll be in charge of the dining situation.

All right. I see.

So, what are you getting to drink?

I-I don't know. What are you gonna have?

Hey, you said relax,

so why don't you just order for me?

Okay.

My dad used to do that.

Yeah. When we were kids.

Sometimes we'd love it. Sometimes we'd hate it.

We never knew what we were gonna get.

My dad's whole thing is,

"You just gotta grab the bull by the balls."

That's "horns."

Well, my dad always said "balls."

Roses?

Uh, we're friends. It's-- It's casual.

She's just a co-worker. Thank you.

Roses for the girlfriend?

I bought her flowers earlier. Thank you, though.

Oh, and they were so beautiful, so, no, thank you.

Roses for the girlfriend.

Roses for the girlfriend?

Okay. Give me one.

One

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay. How much for a

What are you doing, Stanley?

How much for everything?

75.

( people laughing in distance )

I have to call mike. I got to tell him about this.

Hello?

Michael, it's Tee.

Yeah. How's our boy doing?

Weak.

Our boy just spent $75 on a rose.

Well, I mean, they're still at the restaurant, right?

True dat, true dat.

All right. You keep it real, man.

Vanilla Ice says that they've arrived at the restaurant,

and they're still together.

I got him. So...Tim...

Sara, oh, Cliff, and Marv--

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

You can stick around for the party sub,

but you're out of the pool.

Don't ever bet against my boy! No.

Ted, take over the board.

I gotta get to the theater. Marilyn, let's go.

WOMAN: I know...

Okay. Okay. I'm in control. Uh...

So the next big payoff is going to be

non-lip-to-lip lingering physical contact

prior to the show.

And that's gonna go off at, uh, 10 to 1.

WOMAN: All right.

MAN: I got a question. What?

Brief question. You have a question?

Yeah. Uh, what are the odds of them having no contact?

He doesn't touch her.

Nothing at all.

Hey, hey, hey. Worry about your own bets.

He's not the only one who thinks Stanley doesn't have a shot.

You don't have a shot.

You didn't have to do that.

No, I wanted to.

Ha, ha, ha. Uh-uh. No, you didn't.

Yeah. I-I did.

I mean, the flower lady's a heck of a closer.

I-I just got a little confused.

You know, I didn't know whether to buy one

or just the whole basket.

Then she kind of backed me into a corner, and so...

Well, one would have been fine.

Really?

I mean, i-is that--

You just never know what to do.

I-I felt weird.

Do you know no one has ever given me just one flower?

I mean, this is so sweet of you,

but there's just, you know,

something so elegant--

Ha, ha, ha, maybe not this one--

About a single rose.

Just...

a single white rose.

That sounds great. I, uh, I--

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Yeah, ha, ha, ha. Careful.

Be right back.

MICHAEL : This is Michael.

I'm out there somewhere releasing the giant within.

I hope you're out there doing the same thing.

Michael, are you there? Pick up. Michael.

Oh, God. Okay, two things.

One, did you get the index card from Diana's office?

Please tell me you did. Please.

And I need a huge favor.

I need you to go buy a single white rose,

And place the rose near the capper table,

uh, and please get this, all right?

Please do this. I gotta go.

I gotta go. Bye.

Ha, ha, ha. Thank you.

Sure. Sure. There you go.

It's unlocked.

Come on, now.

It's unlocked.

I think I was unlocking it while you were locking it.

Right.

Off to the theater.

Stanley!

Wait one second!

Holy fuck! DIANA: Oh, my God!

: Man down. Man down.

I didn't even see him! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

He came out of nowhere!

I'll call 911. I never even saw him!

No! I-I'm fine. I'm fine.

I just-- So sorry.

Are-- Are you sure you're okay?

I think I soiled my pants.

Stanley, be careful.

Okay. Well, don't move. Don't move. Don't move.

I'll try. I... Show's over, folks.

Go ahead. Come on. Let's go. See? He's fine. He's fine.

Show's over. Thanks. Are you sure you're okay?

Just try and get your knees under your body.

You're sliding me under the car, sir.

I've got that.

No. You're... Okay.

I just want to figure out if anything's broken.

You got it there?

: This is good. Just try and get--

This is good.

Okay. All right. There you go.

Just get your knees under you there.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

STANLEY: Just walk it off.

Here. We'll have a seat right here.

There you go.

I think I'm okay.

My animals. What?

My animal collection-- They're-- They're--

They're broken!

How many?

I don't know, 14.

No. No. 13. I--I traded one for...

Well, how much were they?

I don't know! I got 'em at different times.

They were all different prices.

It's all-- It's-- This is moving too fast.

If you had to put a dollar amount on it, what would it be?

200?

Dollars?

MAN: Oh, come on, buddy! Move the car!

I-- I had a-- A...

( engine turns over, tires screech )

A lion, a chimp, and a-a squirrel...

A rat.

Okay. $200.

A mole. That's what it was. It wasn't a rat.

I'm gonna write you a check.

It was like a rat, 'cause it was small.

I don't take checks.

What, it's-- It's against your policy?

No. I don't...

I don't have a check-cashing card.

Check So what? It doesn't matter.

The branch is right there. You just go there and you cash it.

Just be nice.

Okay. W

Phil.

Okay, Phil.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

How can I help you?

By not hitting me with your car again.

That'd be a big help.

I--I promise I won't hit you with my car again.

Now--now, I-- W

Make-- Make me new animals.

I don't have a Bunsen burner and, you know, like,

a long metal tube,

so... Oh, that was--

Gentlemen,

Why don't we just go to an ATM?

That way, you can give Phil his money,

and we could just make it to the theater.

I'm really sorry.

Just take care of him. Just pay him.

Just get rid of him.

Well, this is cozy.

Yeah. Isn't it?

Oh.

I think there's blood in my hip.

You got blood in your hip?

I can feel it swelling.

Really?

PHIL: You smell good.

DIANA: Thank you. So do you.

What is that, Old Spice?

Ford Taurus.

DIANA: You sure you don't want to get checked out?

PHIL: I'm fine. I'm fine.

Hoo! What's with all the flowers?

Well, uh, Stanley bought all those for me.

Aren't they pretty?

Yeah. Yeah.

You guys on a date?

No. No. We're just friends from work.

You know, it's casual-- That kind of thing.

He asked me to the theater tonight.

Oh. Yeah.

How's it going?

Good.

It d--

It doesn't look like a date.

Okay. Uh, do you mind?

Not at all.

Anyway, I'll be home early.

I knew it!

I gotta go. Bye.

W-would you mind if I take care of this transaction

without you peering over my shoulder like that?

Thank you.

I moved away 'cause Stanley doesn't want me to see

his secret code.

Hey, Phil, she doesn't care!

Just stand there and be quiet.

Will do!

STANLEY: All right.

$200. I'm really sorry for the inconvenience,

and take care.

Really appreciate it. Thank you.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

( car door closes, engine turns over )

Have a good one.

Do you mind if we, like, quickly take him down to the hospital?

Is that okay?

No. Uh, yeah.

I'm sure that's-- I mean, I think you should.

Okay.

Uh...Phil?

WOMAN : Dr. Tannaum to Radiology.

There goes the first act.

Ha, ha, ha! That's for sure.

What?

You can say that again.

W-what are you talking about?

I--I thought it was a saying.

"There goes the first act."

Have you ever heard it before?

No.

Then how can it be a saying?

I don't know. I thought you were starting it.

MICHAEL: Are you listening to me?

I'm halfway through the first act,

and they're not even in their seats yet.

Okay. Guys, Michael's at the theater.

He says they're nowhere to be found.

Ted. Ted.

Don't make an announcement. What are you doing?

Well, I'm just-- MICHAEL: Shut up!

You know what? You're a moron. You're off the board.

I'm canning you off the board! I beg you--

You don't touch the eraser for the rest of the night!

You give it to Sally!

But-- Ted, now!

I'm off the board.

Oh.

Um...

I-I'm off the board.

MAN 1: Aw.

MAN 2: Oh, that's embarrassing.

Is that for me?

Just take it. One second. Is that for me?

Thanks, sweetie. Have a seat.

Okay. Where were we?

All right, I need someone to back up Neal's 15.

WOMAN: I'm in!

15 on groping. All right. Attagirl.

WOMAN : Dr. Sanchez to OR 2.

Dr. Sanchez to OR 2.

She's nice. Yeah, I know.

That's, uh, why I was trying to spend the evening with her.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

Phil... Do you see that woman in there?

From the moment I saw her, all I could think about was her,

so I planned the perfect evening,

knowing full well that if I ever got the chance,

I'd only have one shot at it.

So, where am I spending my perfect evening with her?

I'm with you.

Which woman? The

Diana!

Oh.

"The one in the hat."

Diana.

WOMAN : Dr. Rosen, 4721. Dr. Rosen, 4721.

Phil...

have you ever felt like

you were just really meant to be with somebody?

You know, like your whole life was just kind of this big mess

that just kind of kept happening up until the day

when this unbelievable person came into your life,

and then, suddenly, you know, you didn't feel so lost anymore?

You f-- You felt like...

everything you thought you'd been doing wrong in your life...

you were actually doing it right,

because that whole time, she was coming closer to you.

You just weren't smart enough to know it.

Or...brave enough to just tell her.

WOMAN : Dr. White to the ER. Dr. White to the ER.

I--I had that once.

Yeah? Yep.

That-- That's good!

You see? I mean, so you know what I'm talking about.

I loved her...

I loved her more than anything.

Well, what was her name?

Laura.

She gave me my first glass animal.

And I left, and... never saw her again.

Well, Phil...

when that happened to you, i-it really upset you, right--

Inside, to lose this Laura?

Well, that's how I feel about Diana, you see?

And if one more thing goes wrong with this evening, Phil...

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

The way you feel about Laura...

You see?

That's the way I feel... about Diana.

It's the same thing.

Got it.

Great.

Thanks, man.

Thank you.

I'm gonna help.

I don't need it.

Phil, I don't need it, okay?

I hope you're smiling 'cause you get it. I do.

All right. Phil,

they're gonna take some x-rays

just to make sure everything's okay.

DIANA: She said it should take about 20 minutes, all right?

Here. Let me get this.

Then Stanley and I, we'll see our play.

There you go.

X Why? Yeah.

Oh, you'll be fine. It'll be okay. It'll be quick.

Oh, it's gonna be--

It's gonna be okay.

NURSE: Come on! Come on, now.

Phil, I don't need your help, okay?

Now, just relax and take it e--

You need to-- To bust a move, the rap number.

"Chick walks up, you wish you could sex her.

"You're standin' on the wall like you was poindexter.

Break it down for me, fellas."

I remember it. Thanks.

No. But you're the poindexter.

Phil, nobody's breakin' anything down, okay?

Just take it easy-- You're the poindexter.

Thanks. And I'm gonna--

MAN : Can we do this, please?

Just a second.

I'm gonna help you bust your move.

You're not alone in there, Phil. We're both watching.

PHIL: I don't think you know what you want.

STANLEY: Yeah, I do, Phil.

So, please, I-- I want to be alone with her.

PHIL: Well...I-I'm helping, and I'm not changing my mind.

Everything, uh, looks fine.

Nothing's broken?

Uh, no.

Thank God.

Great. Now, doc, I need to ask you a really big favor here.

PHIL: What's goin' on?

When you give him back his test results,

if you could just give him that, I'd really appreciate it.

PHIL: What are you guys talkin' about?

I know it seems really weird. But trust me.

When you talk to him-- PHIL: Stanley! Stanley!

When you talk to him and see what I'm--

You're gonna--you're gonna get what I'm talking about.

Uh, just tell him he can take a cab anywhere he wants to go.

PHIL: Stanley!

Here's my home phone number. He can call me tomorrow.

Hey, Phil, uh, I'm gonna go check on Diana.

I'll be right back.

: I'm not coming back.

: Okay.

Thanks.

DIANA: How'd it go?

Great, great. You ready?

Yeah. Is Phil coming?

Uh, he didn't want to come.

He, uh, said to say thank you,

but he'd rather be alone right now. Go figure.

But, uh, yeah, he's gonna wait for the results with the nurse.

They-- They kind of hit it off.

Oh. Well, good for him. Yeah.

STANLEY: If we're lucky,

we may be able to catch the end of the first act.

DIANA: Good.

STANLEY: Thank God that's over.

Okay. Where were we?

Time for America.

Man down. DIANA: Stanley!

You promised.

DIANA: You know, you really are so amazing

with what you've been through tonight. You sure you're okay?

Now I am.

Well, we really should've taken you back to the hospital.

No. No. No. God.

That horrible, horrible machine.

So, uh, what happened with the nurse?

What?

DIANA: Well, Stanley said that you and she were hitting it off,

and that's why you stayed back there.

She had a fat ass.

STANLEY: Sorry, Phil.

Yeah, I just don't want to miss the ending.

Come on. Let's go.

It's just down here.

We'll go to Will Call and pick them up.

Sorry.

Phil: America.

Phil, we gotta run, but, uh,

can't tell you what a pleasure it's been.

So, uh...

Bye.

But I-- I have to...help.

It's okay, you know? I think we got it.

Really? Yeah.

Okay.

We'll see you later.

Take care. Great meeting you.

Have a good one.

MAN : Ladies and gentlemen, just a reminder...

Theater in the park is reliant

on your non-tax-deductible contributions.

Third. Yeah.

MAN : Please support us. Please.

Act two begins in one minute. Excuse me.

What happened?

What are you doing here?

I got tickets.

For who?

Me and Marilyn!

Hey, Stanley! You're a mad dog!

Diana.

Michael.

Really nice to see you.

Nice to see you too.

You look good.

Thank you.

Big fan of the, of the play.

Really?

I come every night.

Every night. I can't get enough of it.

How's it going?

Good.

Good.

Good.

All right.

You're gonna be fine. You're a mad dog!

Mad dog! Go, mad dog! Go!

Ha, ha. This guy.

You know, I'm really kind of worried about Phil.

Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine.

Yeah.

Did he put something in there?

Ha, ha, ha. No. I think you have enough stuff in there.

Um, he seemed really sad when we dropped him off, didn't he?

Yeah, yeah.

But, uh...no. Uh, he actually seemed fine.

He seemed kind of preoccupied

with, you know, just kind of getting back to his life.

Right.

Well...

The Union Pacific railway system.

When I was a little boy, I used to stay up at night

just so I could hear the train go by.

You see, my father--

Yes, my father-- Was the engineer...

...he would always give me an extra, extra whistle.

Whoo! Whoo!

Ha!

I wonder what took longer-- His monologue

or to actually build the railroads.

This is dog shit. Just dog shit.

You know, it's actually so bad, it's good.

Oh, yeah, it's almost...

Don't you think? Fascinating.

WOMAN: We'll need the apple pies.

MAN: You think that's good?

I think we might need a little more hair spray if you want it.

Should be up higher. Should be, uh, poofy.

Yeah, well...

'72 he wore it real poofy.

Fire me up, there, fireman? Here you go.

Uh-huh.

* Style

* She's got class And she's got style *

* She's got more Than just a pretty smile *

* The world seems sad When she's inside *

* But when she comes around It's like a miracle *

* She's got class And she's got style *

* She's got--

WOMAN: ...my mother's mother.

That would make her my granny.

We'd gather right here in this very room

every Sunday afternoon after services.

All the men sat out on the porch

blowing smoke from their pipes

into some God-awful configurations!

And my mother...

she never mentioned what happened...again.

She's still talking?

I think she's kind of working her way towards the finale.

WOMAN: Knit one, purl two.

Knit one, purl two.

Knit one, purl two.

PHIL: I-- I can't see a thing.

I mean...

Okay-- That's worse.

Who is this guy?

What the--

Who is this guy? Uh...do something!

Do something!

Who is this guy? Come on. Come on.

What is he doing?

I-- I--

I found this bread over-- Over there.

So, I-- I took it.

I like bread.

It tastes good.

It's good for you.

It's f-filling.

Y-you can eat it hot or cold, which is...

I mean, t-that's good.

And...there's a--

There's a million different kinds.

Hang on. PHIL: Is filling, which is good.

Roll the slides. No! Those are my slides.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

( "America the Beautiful" plays )

There's...rye...

wheat...

whole wheat...

pumpernickel...

you know? Sourdough.

You ever have sourdough bread?

Egg, garlic, raisin, nut, pita...

w-white...

wheat, whole-grain, or... or multigrain

or even...a bun.

But the truth is...

it's all the same thing.

It all started out

exactly the-- The-- The same way.

But because we kneaded it

and-- And-- We shaped it,

it-- It turned out to be...

exactly what we--

What we wanted it to be.

I don't know.

Food for thought.

We hear you!

Curtain call! Yeah! Curtain call--now. Go with it.

Smile! Smile, Custer. Smile.

There you go. Come on. Curtain call. Curtain call.

Yo.

You're a genius, man. You're a genius!

DIANA: You were so great, Phil.

You parked in a tow-away zone.

STANLEY: I don't believe this!

Come on! I mean, it was right here!

I know. Ugh.

And-- I mean--

They took my bag.

Best thing in the show.

They took my bag.

You know what, Phil? They took my car. My car.

Your-- Your bag of broken glass just happened to be in it

because you left it there.

I am really sorry,

and if you want to call it a night,

you know, I'll understand.

No, we'll find your car.

It's no big deal.

There.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

She's a keeper.

MAN: Ted, no! Don't! Hello?

Ted? Don't answer my phone.

I thought we made up.

WOMAN: Who is it

MAN: I told you Ted shouldn't have done it.

Hey, sweetie. How you doin'?

What's up?

You got to update the board. I think we're looking strong.

Who's covering the restaurant?

SALLY: Um, Mark.

Tell Mark to get his ass over there.

They should be there in about 20 minutes.

Okay. Mark, I need you to go to the restaurant right now.

Right? Mark's going.

Schnell! Schnell!

Hey! I got pies!

All right. Bye.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Come on. Okay.

Dude, I thought you were on the board.

No? Okay. In the fridge.

Oh. Haven't been on a bus in years.

Hi, uh, would you mind if I write you a check?

You can owe me.

Thank you.

Who's on the bus?

STANLEY: Okay, what are you doing?

All right? Please don't make a scene.

I'm doing the bus song. Bus song.

What's the bus song?

Bus song.

Okay, you're making me uncomfortable, all right?

Let's-- Can we sit down, please?

Yeah. That's fine.

* Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus? *

* Who's on the bus?

Okay, Stanley, I'll sit down. I don't have to sing the song.

Well, thanks, Phil. I really appreciate it.

Hey, sit down!

* Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus? *

* Who's on the bus?

Mary.

* Who's on the bus? Mary's on the bus *

* And she's goin' to...?

Alvarado Street.

Alvarado Street!

* Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus? *

* Who's on the bus?

Bill.

PHIL: * Who's on the bus?

* Bill's on the bus, And he's going to...? *

Spring Street.

Yeah! ALL: Ha, ha, ha!

PHIL: * Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus? *

Stanley.

* Who's on the bus? Stanley's on the bus *

* And he's going to...?

Dinner.

Dinner! Mmm!

PHIL: * Who's on the bus? Everybody! *

ALL: * Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus? *

* Who's on the bus?

Mahareinlu!

* Who's on the bus? Mahamumu's on the bus *

* And she's going to...?

Cerritos, California.

* Mahamumu's on The wrong bus! *

STANLEY: * Mahareinlu's on the bus

Oh, boy. "Who's on the bus?"

That was a lovely song, Phil.

DIANA: What are you doing?

PHIL: Making shadows. Laura and I used to do this.

DIANA: Laura?

Hmm. Is that a girlfriend?

Yeah. Sort of.

See how big I can make myself?

Yeah, Phil. You're huge. Yeah.

So huge. But look at how big we are.

Oh!

: Who's that?

( growling and laughter continue )

DIANA: Ha, ha, ha! You don't have to carry me anymore.

STANLEY: Are you kidding? I'm in the zone.

I mean, my heart rate's up,

we just won a major battle back there,

and, I mean, you got on open-toed shoes, so...

DIANA: So?

Well, I mean, I figured I'd carry you to the street.

That way, your feet didn't get dirty back here.

Oh, you didn't want my feet to get dirty.

Well, I mean, I could go either way.

It's just that, you know, I figured

you like 'em clean, you know?

Otherwise, you know, you wouldn't have done

such a good job washing them.

Ha, ha, ha. There you go, my lady.

Well, thank you, good sir.

Sir Stanley at your service.

Come here.

You got your clothes a little messed up carrying me there.

Oh. Thanks.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

You guys are having a moment.

Kind of.

I never... really had a moment.

I'm gonna go get the car.

I'll go, too.

I w-- I was, um...

I mean, I'm at the restaurant,

and Stanley and Diana are nowhere to be found.

They're holding the table for them.

He gave them 100 bucks. The maitre d' told me.

All right. Look, just, uh, just stay at the restaurant.

I'm sure they'll be there any second.

And, uh, call Sally

and tell her that we're on our way to the capper table.

How are you doing in there?

You all right?

Ha, ha, I'm doin' good.

Ha, ha. Okay.

It's over. I got a bad feeling, okay?

Maybe there's a change of plans.

True dat. True dat.

What do you mean?

We've been through this.

You towed my car here,

and now it's somewhere on your lot.

Well, you're gonna have to talk to hank about that...

and he's on a break. And he's on a break.

Yeah.

I like your flowers.

Listen here--

We got those out of one of the vehicles.

I know.

You got them out of mine!

No. Yeah, no.

Hey, listen, I don't care about the flowers, all right?

I'd just like to get the car back.

Hi.

Hi.

Everything all right?

Well, uh, yeah, but this gentleman

won't release the car until hank gets back.

He's on a break.

And he's on a break.

Uh, yeah.

Um...hi.

Hi.

Um, you know, I'm trying to, uh,

ditch Fred and Barney

over here.

Yeah.

So the sooner I get my car,

the sooner we can party.

Oh!

Me likey.

Well, break my heart.

Let me see what I can do.

Thank you.

Hey, Hank.

HANK: I'm taking my break.

Yeah, well, uh,

you're gonna want to see this.

We got a little party treat.

What's so damn important

that it can't wait till after my

What can I do you for?

Well, listen, I was, uh, telling your buddy here

that, um, I 'm trying to lose some...

excess baggage.

Hank, I got the claim check on--

I'm handling this!

Go on.

Yeah, it's the, uh, '97 green Taurus.

Uh, yeah, that one came in,

uh, a little over an hour ago.

Yeah, it came in about an hour ago.

Ooh!

Ow!

Mmm.

You stay there!

And don't move.

Let me, uh, show you to your vehicle.

Thanks.

Oh, Carl will ring you up.

Ok.

Hey, Hammerhead,

get off your fat ass and ring this guy up.

Thanks.

You ok?

Yeah.

All right, let's see here, uh...

Right this way, darlin'.

$179.50.

What?

$179.50.

It's, uh, $55 for parking

in a commercial loading zone, which you did,

$80 for the tow,

$44.50 for the overnight storage.

It's only been here an hour.

You know what? We're gonna need some cash.

Uh, uh, I don't have the cash.

PHIL: Here we go.

You can owe me.

Thank you.

You're welcome. There.

Friend in need.

STANLEY: No, Phil, we're not gonna take care of it later, ok?

We're gonna take care of it right now.

We're gonna go to that ATM,

we're gonna get you your money,

and even though we've had some wonderful moments,

we're gonna call it a night.

Call it a night?

Yeah, good night.

Well, we're ha-- We're having so much fun.

No, Phil, you're having fun, all right?

But she--She's-- She's laughing.

Yes, Phil, but she's laughing at you,

all right, not with me,

and right now,

there's a dinner and a bottle of champagne

standing between me and the rest of my life.

So I'm just asking you, you know...

Let me have my date back, ok?

I still think I'm helping. I do.

Well, you're not. You're not.

So, uh--

Don't touch me. Got it?

You got it. Ok.

Phil, you can still make the cast party, all right,

if you leave right now.

Your loss, sweet cheeks.

I'm sure it is.

Thanks, Hank.

I'm sitting in the middle this time.

All right.

Yeah.

Oh, he would have to sit in the back.

Hey, Phil!

So, how are my two favorite men?

good.

Wasn't that fun?

Yep.

PHIL: Phil's carsick.

I think I--I think I'm gonna be carsick.

Phil, don't, ok?

Are you all right?

I'm good.

Yeah, I feel better.

False alarm, I guess.

See? She's laughing!

And you said I wasn't helping.

Helping?

Helping with what?

Phil!

What's he talking about?

What's he talking about?

He's talking about helping... Mm-hmm.

Helping you, Diana. You need to loosen up a little bit.

I need to loosen up? You really do.

We got to talking earlier,

and you're wound pretty tight, you know?

You couldn't possibly be talking

about someone else in this car,

who happens to be sitting behind the wheel?

Who, me? No! Heck, no!

I'm like water! I'm flowing!

I'm like a reed out there,

just blowing peacefully in the breeze.

Do I look tense?

I got the blinker on, I got the blinker off.

I got the wiper on, it ain't raining.

We're cruising along peacefully...

With the hazards on.

Oh, yeah?

You want to see me do something crazy?

I'll pull over right now

and drink some expired milk.

I'm just nuts,

just shape-shifting, all kinds of stuff.

What?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

It's not gonna get any greener.

I know, Phil.

I know.

Thanks.

Thanks.

DIANA: Well, what are you gonna do?

I think I'm gonna go buy glue,

get some newspaper, lay that out,

put on some soup,

take a nap,

then I'm gonna do a little triage on these babies here.

Bad news, Phil-- Uh, ATM's out of cash.

I'm really sorry, but I 'm afraid you're gonna

have to come with us while we grab a bite,

and then we'll go get your money afterwards, ok?

Whatever.

I'm really sorry to put you out like this.

DIANA: I know a great place.

Sounds good.

So, uh, how do we get to this great place?

Hey! Guys, guys.

What are you doing?

I've made my own board.

Don't be ridiculous.

Guys, 12-to-1 odds that they make it to the capper table.

Put me down for 20.

All right. MAN: The date's already over.

You don't know that.

It's done. TED: ok.

Pathetic.

Let's go to the big board, folks!

STANLEY: It's yellowtail.

DIANA: It's a fish.

Well, why--

Why is the rice so clumpy?

Phil, would you just shut up and just eat it?

Here, take a little of this and put it with that,

and then you got to dunk it in there,

then you just eat it.

It's good.

Yeah, it's good.

So, how long have you worked at Smith Bates?

About four years.

You're kidding. No, why?

Wow.

I just didn't think you were there that long.

I've been over at the Van Nuys office for a couple of years,

so we probably haven't seen a lot of each other.

Really? Mm-hmm, yeah.

There is no Van Nuys office.

You're kidding.

Yeah, there--

I noticed that I was one of the only people

around the office most of the time, but I just--

We've ridden the elevator together

quite a few times.

Hmm, yeah.

Do you remember?

I think I do recall.

I'm usually so focused at work that--

But I do think--

Yeah, I have ridden the elevator with you.

Uh, yeah, yeah, I have.

Spicy.

Yeah, spicy.

Mmm, you like that, huh?

Here, Phil, kind of... Go like that.

You just got a little right here,

some of the spicy stuff.

You got it right here in your teeth.

Where? Right there.

I can't-- I can't get a fix on it.

I'd go to the bathroom... Phil, Phil, Phil...

Bathroom. It's still there.

All right.

He's quite a character.

Really?

I thought you didn't like him.

He actually kind of grows on you, you know?

He does, doesn't he?

Oh, oh, sorry.

Yes, yes, you are moist,

but the moisture is from the beverage

I have just spilled on you.

No, no, shocking at first,

but I know that you will, uh, become used to it,

if not even prefer it.

Merci.

What a great French accent.

Yeah, well...

I spent a little time in England, so...

Come here.

Got it.

You had a piece of lint in your hair.

Oh, good. Thank you, yeah.

Is that it? Is everything out of there?

I don't know. There might be some more.

Isn't this perfect?

Oh, God, it's Kevin.

Who's Kevin? My ex-boyfriend.

How are you?

Wow, huh?

Wow.

You don't waste any time, do you?

Um...

Should I get the check?

No.

Don't do this.

Do what? This.

Is this a friend from work?

Probably consoling you

because you're so torn up about, uh, breaking my heart.

Kevin, I am sorry,

but this is not the place for this.

We both knew this wasn't working out.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

That's just perfect for you, though, isn't it?

You love the bullshit, don't you?

You love the bullshit.

The struggle to connect, try to change a guy

you know will never change,

and then it's his fault.

Then he didn't measure up, right?

You blame him.

So then you dump him,

and then nobody ever really has to get close to you,

and everybody keeps thinking you're perfect.

Well, I'm far from perfect.

Heh. No shit.

And you're a shining example of that.

Wow. Man, I mean...

What's he got, Laker tickets or something?

Wh

I mean--I mean,

you got a lot of money or something?

You got a sports car, big house, what?

Is that what you think I'm about?

Shut up. You shut up.

What?

What did you say?

PHIL: That's my seat.

Uh, Phil...

Not--Not right now.

Oh, no, is he with you?

Mm-hmm. Don't.

Oh, man.

Hey, how's it going?

Kevin, stop.

No, no, it's all right.

Rain Man wants to know what's going on.

I'll just fill-- Fill Rain Man in.

See, uh, this creature

just, uh, broke up with me like three days ago,

and now she's-- She's out there

with her hands in your buddy's pants,

so I was, uh,

I was thinking of taking him outside and whipping his ass.

Just kind of as a thing, you know? I mean...

If you have a problem with that,

maybe you can come with me and we--

Stop it.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Have a little dignity.

PHIL: Now, now.

Shh.

* Puff the magic dragon

* Lived by the sea

I'm so sorry.

DIANA: I'm so sorry about what happened back there.

Don't worry about it.

But I am.

Apology accepted.

Are you ok?

Yeah, sure. I'm fine.

You were laughing.

Yeah, I was having fun.

It was lovely to meet you, Phil.

Back at you.

He's a good egg.

Yeah, he is.

He's definitely a good egg.

I just wish his shell were a little harder.

Well, uh, good night, Phil.

Later.

Are you sure you're gonna be ok around here?

Yeah, now that I got my money,

tomorrow I can start collecting my menagerie again.

Wait a second.

Your what?

What?

Just now in the car, you said,

"Tomorrow I can start collecting my..."

Animal menagerie.

Glass

Phil, this woman,

the one that you're in love with,

with the dancing and the shadows on the wall, Laura--

Was--Was her last name Wingfield by any chance?

Her--Her brother Tom introduced you two maybe?

Yep, that's the one.

What do you mean, "Yep, that's the one"?

I mean, did it happen or not, Phil?

Yep, that's--

From a book, you idiot, right?

The play, The Glass Menagerie,

by Tennessee Williams?

I don't--

Her brother, Tom, did he introduce you two?

What's in the bag?

Let me-- Let me see the bag.

No. What do you mean, no?

Let me see the damn bag! I don't want to!

I don't care what you want! It's my bag! It's my bag!

Stop it!

Does it really matter what's in his bag?

He ruins our entire night--

Stanley, he didn't ruin our evening.

This is ruining our evening.

Just--Will you please take us back to my apartment?

N

No, he's not sleeping over,

but we can't leave him out here.

He doesn't have a place to go.

I'm gonna find the guy a place to sleep.

This is perfect.

Good night.

Come on, Phil.

Nice try, champ.

I'll be right down, Phil.

I'm just gonna make a couple calls for you.

"Nice try, champ"?

Yeah, I'll hold.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Oh.

I didn't even hear you come in.

You scared me.

Um, I 'm just on hold.

I'm just trying to find a place for you tonight.

It should just be a minute.

Diana.

Hang on one second. Yeah?

I like you.

Well, I like you, too, Phil.

No.

No.

I mean, um...

I like you.

Just relax.

Stanley!

Uhh!

Stanley, be careful!

It took you long enough. Hi, how are you?

You're breathing on me.

Pick me up, throw me into the doorjamb.

Oh, yeah.

Careful!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Don't ever put your hands on a woman like that again!

Uhh!

What are you, an idiot?

Sorry about that.

Uhh! Ow!

I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule, man!

Let him go!

Hold on, 'cause I'm not even done with you yet!

And stay out!

How sweet are you?

Not that sweet.

I, uh, called Michael

when we were having drinks

and asked him to put that there.

I mean, this was supposed to be the perfect evening,

and not one thing's gone the way it was supposed to.

Look at you.

I don't like caviar.

Ok.

I don't have great abs.

I mean, they're not bad,

they're just not that good.

I haven't traveled much.

I can't watch a lot of foreign movies

because I spend so much time with the words,

I can't tell what the people are doing on the screen.

I'm not a very good cook.

I'm an all-right dancer.

I'm also pretty sure I'm going bald...fast.

And, well...

Phil...

H-he--he wasn't trying to hurt you.

He was--he was just trying to get me

to stand up for something.

You...

You really moved me.

I watch how you are with people

and how you can change someone's day with your smile

and how you just seem oblivious

to the admiration of the people around you,

and you're bright and beautiful

and warm and charming and funny,

and your laugh--

I-- It makes me laugh.

And...

I just wanted to tell you these things,

even if you go back to calling me Steve.

I like foreign films.

I figured.

And, hmm, other than that,

I don't have any problems with your list.

You know what?

I figured out our friend's little plan

after you threw him against my wall

and broke my vase.

You'll be reimbursed for that.

No one can plan a perfect evening...

Even a wonderful guy

who writes how to ask a girl out

on an index card.

Come here. I have to tell you something else.

Hmm. We did good, girl.

We did good.

I had a wonderful time.

Really?

Yeah.

The eagle has landed.

We have contact!

Come on!

Ohh!

Can I kiss you again?

Mm-hmm.

Let me see. Let me see.

Oh! Look at them! Look at them!

Oh, god! Look at them!

Look at you. Look at me.

I always wanted to get my swerve on on my bike.

Always?

This hasn't gone so bad.

Not at all.

You know, you're embarrassing yourself now.

I'm trying to parlay!

Oh, really? I thought the point of a parlay

was you're supposed to win some money first.

Good luck.

Asshole.

How you doin'? All right. Will that be all?

Let me get a bag.

I'm driving.

Shotgun.

For work.

What do you do? What don't I do?

What are you doing tonight?

Tonight?

I took the night off.

You have a good one.

* Bust it

* Huh

* Yeah

( young m.c.'s "bust a move" plays )

* Huh

Hey, eyes on the road, not the scratches.

Don't tell me-- Eyes on the road, not--

( tires screech, glass rattles )

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Man down. Man down.

* Ho

* This here's a jam For all the fellas *

* Try to do what Those ladies tell us *

* Get shot down 'Cause you're overzealous *

* Play hard to get Females get jealous *

* Ok, smarty Go to a party *

* Girls are scantily clad And showin' body *

* A chick walks by You wish you could sex her *

* But you're standing on the Wall like you was Poindexter *

* Next day's function A high-class luncheon *

* Food is served, and you're Stone-cold munchin' *

* Music comes on People start to dance *

* But then you ate so much You nearly split your pants *

* A girl starts walkin' Guys start gawkin' *

* Sits down next to you And starts talking *

* Says she want to dance 'Cause she likes the groove *

* So come on, fatso, And just bust a move *

* Oh, hey, yeah, huh

* Oh, hey, yeah, huh

* Just bust a move

* Ha ah, hey

* Ha ah, hey

* Oh, hey, yeah, huh

* You're on a mission And you're wishin' *

* Someone could cure Your lonely condition *

* Lookin' for love In all the wrong places *

* No fine girls Just ugly faces *

* Some frustration First inclination *

* Is to become a monk And leave the situation *

* But every dark tunnel Has a light of hope *

* So don't hang yourself With a celibate rope *

* Your movie's showin' So you're goin' *

* Could care less About the five you're blowin' *

* Theater gets dark Just to start the show *

* Then ya spot a fine woman Sittin' in your row *

* She's dressed in yellow, She says, "Hello *

* Come sit next to me You fine fellow" *

* You run over there Without a second to lose *

* And what comes next Hey bust a move *

* And you want it You got it *

* And you want it Baby, you got it *

* Just bust a move

* And you want it You got it *

* You want it Baby, you got it *

* In this city Ladies look pretty *

* Guys tell jokes So they can seem witty *

* Tell a funny joke Just to get some play *

* Then you try to make a move And she says, "No way" *

* Girls are fakin' Goodness sakin' *

* They want the man Who brings home the bacon *

* Got no money and you got no car *

* Then you got no women And there you are *

* Some girls are sadistic Materialistic *

* Lookin' for a man Makes them opportunistic *

* They're lyin' on a beach Perpetrating a tan *

* So a brother with the money Can be their man *

* So on the beach you're Strollin' real high rollin' *

* Everything you have is yours And not stolen *

* A girl runs up With somethin' to prove *

* So don't just stand there Bust a move *

* And you want it You got it *

* You want it Baby, you got it *

* Just bust a move

* And you want it You got it *

* You want it Baby, you got it *

* Break it down for me, fellas

* Huh, hey, yeah, uh

* Your best friend Harry Has a brother Larry *

* In five days from now He's gonna marry *

* He's hopin' you can make it There if you can *

* 'Cause in the ceremony You'll be the best man *

* You say neat-O Check your libido *

* And roll to the church In your new tuxedo *

* The bride walks down Just to start the wedding *

* And there's one more girl You won't be getting *

* So you start thinkin' Then you start blinkin' *

* A bridesmaid looks And thinks that you're winking *

* She thinks your kinda cute So she winks back *

* Now your feelin' really firm 'Cause the girl is stacked *

* Reception's jumpin' Bass is pumpin' *

* Look at the girl And your heart starts thumpin' *

* Says she wanna dance To a different groove *

* Now you know what to do So you bust a move *

* And you want it You got it *

* You want it Baby, you got it *

* Just bust a move

* You want it You got it *

* You want it Baby, you got it *

* Move it, boy

* Uh, uh, uh, hey