Original subtitles

[light music]

♪ ♪

female narrator: For far too long, Darby had ignored

the details of her past, not appreciating

that they might be puzzle pieces

in her quest for connection.

But now, suddenly, she found herself

feeling the impulse to look inward.

- Darby?

- Yeah.

- Wanna come on in?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Real-life therapy couch. [laughs]

I'm not actually supposed to lay down, right?

- Whatever makes you feel comfortable.

- So do I just start talking, or...

- Yeah, why don't you talk about what brought you in here?

On the phone, you mentioned that you were having...

trouble with a relationship?

- Uh, yeah.

Uh, well, yeah, broadly speaking,

but I think it's just me.

I'm really not good at expressing myself,

and that's hurting my relationship,

so I would love to just, um, fix that, you know?

- Could you maybe give me an example?

- Yeah, so um, recently,

he wanted to buy this $2,000 couch,

and we just don't need it,

and I started out saying I didn't think

that we should spend that much money on a couch,

and we couldn't even afford it,

and he was so disappointed by that,

um, so I ended up saying...

we should get the matching ottoman and everything, and...

- So you're, like, a real pleaser.

- Um, y--

but now I'm angry, so...

- It sounds to me like

he didn't really respect your desires.

He...kind of steamrolled you.

But what would happen if you said, "Hey, look.

"That really made me angry that you steamrolled me

into buying that $2,000 couch"?

- He would be mad,

and...

we would get in a fight,

and...

he would break up with me.

- So you're really afraid of rejection?

- Isn't everyone? - Of course.

Because it's painful,

and it's shame-inducing.

But it's really not about you, Darby.

Rejection is not personal.

- It's obviously personal.

Rejection couldn't be more personal.

- I can see this is a really sensitive area.

Let's dig a little deeper.

I want you to tell me about the first time

you ever experienced a major rejection.

I want you to describe to me what that felt like.

I want you to close your eyes and just describe away.

- Do I have to close my eyes?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

So...

I guess it was...Luke.

[relaxed music]

♪ ♪

Um, I was 15,

and I was getting shuttled, uh,

back and forth between my parents,

and I didn't, like, belong anywhere,

so I did this kind of crazy thing.

I applied to boarding school.

At first, I just wanted to see if my parents would stop me.

Like, maybe I was too integral a part of the family

for them to let me go, but, uh, no.

They were totally cool with their child

moving across the country.

So I went, and honestly,

I thought it would look like Hogwarts...

[machinery beeping]

But no.

Uh, the pictures on the website were...misleading.

This honestly sucks.

- I didn't know you wanted to come.

- No, I don't want to go on a Disney cruise.

Why would I want to go on a Disney cruise with you guys?

Walt Disney was a Nazi.

Mom, I just want to be home.

- If you wanna be home, maybe you should've

stayed here in the first place

instead of running away to boarding school.

- Okay. Okay, fine.

Then I'll just have Thanksgiving by myself.

- What about your father's?

I'm sure they'd love to have you too.

- No, Nancy's mom lives there now,

so I'd just have to be on an Aerobed again.

- Wow, Larry's really caving over there.

- Is that even comfortable?

- It's not supposed to be.

- Oh, is that Grace?

Can't you go home with her for Thanksgiving?

- No, she's going to her boyfriend's.

But I'll be fine. There's a Hardee's in town.

- Don't be dramatic, sweetheart.

I'll call you from the ship.

- Hey, do you think I could go to Colby's with you?

Or would that be weird?

- Only if you wanna watch us fuck.

[Justice vs. Simian's "We Are Your Friends"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Because we are your friends ♪

♪ You'll never be alone again ♪

♪ Ooh, come on ♪

♪ Ooh, come on, ooh, come on ♪

♪ Ooh, come on ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Because we are your friends ♪

- Hey, Ashton. Hey, Kaelin.

I didn't know you guys were staying in town for the break.

- Either that or go to our fucking dumbass

stupid grandma's house.

- I'm Sophie. - Hey. I'm Darby.

- So anyway...

yeah, I've pretty much spent the whole break so far

playing "San Andreas."

- I heard the tank is tight. Whew!

Have you gotten to the level with the tank?

- No, but I got the cheat code for it.

both: Tight.

[D4L's "Laffy Taffy"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ That laffy taffy ♪

♪ That laffy taffy ♪

♪ Candy girl ♪

♪ Girl, shake that laffy taffy ♪

♪ That laffy taffy ♪

♪ Shake that laffy taffy ♪

♪ That laffy taffy, girl ♪

- Yo!

Sorry. [clears throat]

What up, pimps?

both: 'Sup?

- Aren't you cold?

- No. Why? We're inside.

- We--

well, I mean, you're just--

you're dressed like the Big Lebowski.

- Well, I guess I just run warm.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

♪ ♪

And what's up? I'm Luke.

- I sit next to you in Chem.

- Oh! Shit. Yes, no.

Okay. No, I know you. I'm sorry.

You want some water?

It's not water. It's Popov.

But keep it low-key.

♪ ♪

- How's "Cats" going? [laughs]

Yeah, sounding pretty good over there,

frickin' musical guy.

- [laughs]

I'm playing Rum Tum Tugger, so...

- Ooh. - Yeah.

- ♪ Girl, shake that laffy taffy ♪

- Yo.

- Hi.

- What's up?

- I hate Thanksgiving.

- Yeah, I know. Same.

- And it's ridiculous, 'cause "The O.C."

isn't even on tonight, which-- which makes no sense to me,

'cause I feel like if there were a night for "The O.C."

to be on, it would be tonight.

- I know. I know. That's what I was thinking.

I went to the AV room to try to watch it, and...

- Yeah? - I'm actually from California.

- Wait, no way. Sick.

- So it reminds me of home.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

Cool.

- Wait, did you inhale it?

- Yeah.

I--I think I did.

- Are you sure? - I don't know.

[coughing] - There you go. Nice.

- Um, so why didn't you go home?

- Just civil disobedience.

[sniffs] - What do you mean?

- No, my parents are just fuckin' Repubs,

and my dad's a drunk and a hypocrite.

- Where are you from again?

- Corpus Christi, Texas.

- That's wild. - Yeah.

- What, are you, uh, like, an oil baron?

- [laughs] No, no.

My dad's a lobbyist.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

He knows the dude that Cheney shot in the face.

Yeah, I know. He's boys with my grandpa.

- Hmm.

Yeah, my dad's a recovering alcoholic.

- Mm. Is that why you stayed here?

- No. I mean, kind of.

I don't know. Um...

No, my parents are just in Jackson Hole,

and I didn't feel like going this year.

[light music]

♪ ♪

That was my first real kiss.

In the moment, it was-- it was magic,

I mean, now I realize

he was using his tongue like a prison shank.

♪ ♪

You don't use your door? - No.

Even the Domino's guy knows to use the window

at Casa Ducharme.

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- Here. Here. - Yeah.

Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

- [laughing]

[shrieks]

- Go, go!

♪ ♪

[indistinct whispering]

♪ ♪

- All right, ready?

♪ ♪

Oh, wow.

- That one's cute.

- That was good.

- We got this. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ ♪

[laughing]

♪ ♪

What kind of music do you like?

- I like mellow shit.

Like this.

Know this one?

[John Mayer's "I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)"]

♪ ♪

- You like John Mayer?

- I love John Mayer. John Mayer shreds.

- [laughs]

- [laughs]

- Hey, I lied before.

- Yeah? About what?

- My family isn't in Jackson Hole.

I--like, I really don't know why I said that.

- [laughing] Okay. - [groans]

- It's all good.

♪ ♪

- ♪ No, I'm not the man I used to be lately ♪

♪ See, you met me at an interesting time ♪

♪ And if my past is any sign of your future ♪

- [laughs softly]

You're amazing.

♪ ♪

- You're amazing.

- ♪ Hold on to whatever you find, baby ♪

♪ Hold on to whatever will get you through ♪

♪ Hold on to whatever you find, baby ♪

♪ I don't trust myself with lovin' you ♪

♪ ♪

- So clearly, you really liked this guy.

But the question is, Darby,

what did you do with those feelings?

- Nothing, really.

Um...yeah, I mean, it was high school,

so we barely knew each other,

and it just wasn't-- it wasn't that big a deal.

- Darby, therapy really only works

if you're willing to open up to me.

- I'm here, aren't I?

- Yes, and that's the first step.

- I'm sorry, it's just...

you're basically a stranger.

- Maybe that makes it easier.

- Okay.

- ♪ I will beg my way into your garden ♪

- Hey.

How was Colby's?

- His cousin walked in on us,

but otherwise, it was fine.

- Okay, you won't believe what happened over break.

I hooked up with Luke.

- Luke Ducharme?

- Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah, it was kind of magical.

- [scoffs]

Wow, I didn't know you had it in you.

- Yeah, I mean, just like, the first night,

we met up at the dining hall,

and then...it just kind of happened, you know.

- Okay, but what do you mean you hooked up?

- Like, we just kissed.

But we spent literally the whole time together.

It was like we were in love.

- So what's your guys' deal now?

Are you, like, dating or something?

- No, I mean, I'm...

Yeah, I'm not really sure.

I mean, not officially, anyway.

We haven't had the talk yet, you know.

- I have Pre-Calc with him.

You know he's, like, a total player.

- [laughing] Yeah.

Yeah.

We're just keeping it casual, you know.

It's no big deal, really.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing] Hey.

- Oh, hey. - Nice game.

- Yeah, thanks.

What's up? [laughs]

- Not much.

- Okay. - Well, um, hey.

I was actually thinking about staging a walkout

against the Iraq war, if you felt like joining.

- Oh, um, maybe.

Yeah, maybe.

- Or--or we could just smoke weed

and watch the new "O.C."

- I can't. [chuckles]

I'm--I'm just-- I'm really screwed in Chem

'cause I fucked off, like, all break.

- Mm, yeah. No, I remember.

It was worth it, though, right?

- Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Yes. [laughs]

Uh, but I sh--I sh-- I need to get back to the game.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. Go ahead.

- Bye. - All right, let's do it.

♪ ♪

- Honestly, things got worse from there.

Um, I would see him around campus,

but it was just like nothing ever happened between us.

Just classic kid shit.

And I did the opposite of what I should have done.

I literally auditioned for "Cats"

just to be close to him.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. Luke, that was amazing.

Like, I seriously had tears in my eyes

when you were singing.

- Thank you. [laughs]

- Look...

I think we need to talk.

You've just been acting really weird.

- [laughs] No.

I haven't been ignoring you, I promise.

Seriously, things have been so crazy with classes,

and then, you know, I've got this, and I just--

[laughing softly]

- [clears throat]

You like that, Rum Tum? - [shudders]

[phone ringing]

- Hey, Dad. - Hey.

How's it going over there, East-Coaster?

- It's fine. I'm just studying. What's up?

- Well, we missed you at Thanksgiving, kiddo.

- Yeah. I missed you too.

- Hey, so um, some news, actually.

Nancy's pregnant again.

Darby?

Darby, are you there? Hello?

Look, I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry.

- No, it's--it's great.

It's great. Congratulations.

- Oh, hey.

Um...

What are those? Gummy bears?

- Worms.

- What?

- They're gummy worms.

- Oh.

Nice.

- [sighs]

[sighs]

I'm sorry.

It just happened.

He rolled us a joint, and then...

It didn't mean anything. I promise.

Colby and I just broke up, and I figured

since you and Luke were just hanging out...

Oh, don't cry.

You're gonna find somebody else.

- Stop, I've--I've--

I don't even care about this, okay?

I have way bigger shit going on!

- Oh, so you're not mad? - No! No!

I ju--

I--I just found out that I have cancer!

- [quietly] Fuck.

- Wow, okay.

Let's unpack that.

Why do you think you did it?

- God, I know. I don't know.

Just, um...

like, being a dumb high-schooler, I guess?

- I know, but the thing is, Darby,

that a lot of kids get broken up with,

but they don't go around telling people they had cancer.

[light music]

♪ ♪

- I heard the news.

I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, I have to get a couple more tests done,

but it's not looking good.

- If you need any help,

my uncle is an oncologist at Sloan Kettering.

- Thanks.

♪ ♪

Hey.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

- How you doing? You okay?

- Get well soon.

[sighs] His name is Courage.

Not that you need it. - She's so sweet.

- You're obviously already brave.

- Oh, my God. That's so sweet.

- Thank you.

♪ ♪

I don't know why

I told the lie in the first place,

but once I did, I just got scared

that all this love,

and everyone fawning over me,

would just go away if I came clean.

♪ ♪

- Darby, I'm so sorry to hear.

Any accommodations the school can make now or during finals,

please let me know.

My office door is always open.

♪ ♪

[knock on door]

♪ ♪

- Hey.

♪ ♪

Do you have a minute?

♪ ♪

- So did you hear that they hung Saddam?

- Why didn't you tell me you had cancer over break?

- Look, I just--I didn't--

I didn't want to worry you.

You had so much going on with the play.

- Don't-- don't worry about me.

I love you.

- What?

You actually love me? - Yes.

- Well, what about the whole Grace thing?

- That--listen. Grace was a mistake.

I'm just-- I'm sorry I hurt you.

- It's okay.

[light percussive music]

♪ ♪

[phone buzzing]

♪ ♪

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- I know what you did.

- ♪ Hold on to whatever you find, baby ♪

♪ ♪

[door opens]

♪ Hold on to whatever ♪ [door shuts]

♪ ♪

♪ Hold on to whatever you find, baby ♪

♪ I don't trust myself with lovin' you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Who do you love? ♪

- Um, after that, I withdrew from school, so...

Yep. Fuckin' embarrassing.

- It sounds more than fuckin' embarrassing.

It sounds fuckin' traumatizing.

- Yeah.

Well, it was a pretty stupid thing to do.

- How'd your parents react?

- Uh, well, they...

they came to get me.

They came together, actually, which was crazy,

'cause they'd been divorced

for over a decade at that point.

- [grunts]

Come on. - Okay. Let's go.

- Well, at least you still have your hair.

- Oh, seriously, Larry?

Does this seem like a good time for a joke?

- Wocka-wocka.

- I'm wondering how this is gonna look on your transcript.

- Claud, we need to be sensitive.

Clearly, this is about something else

we have to deal with.

- How are we gonna get all your stuff?

All those things we bought at the Container Store.

- Mom, can we please just not do this here?

Can we please go? Like, I can't--

I can't be here right now.

Please.

[percussive music]

- It was a lot of stuff we bought.

[TV on the Radio's "I Was a Lover"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I was a lover before this war ♪

♪ Held up in a luxury suite ♪

♪ Behind a real barricaded door ♪

- You know, Darby,

sometimes we think we're chasing one thing,

and we're actually chasing another.

Oh, God.

Time's up.

- Um, right.

Uh, how much did you say it was?

- Uh, it's 175.

I have this new little thing here.

And I'll see you next Tuesday, right?

- Um, uh, I'll let you know, yeah.

- I don't know how in the hell.

- It's this side and that-- - Down.

Down, down, down, down, down. - Yep.

- Oh, my God. Look at that. There we go.

You know, Darby, um, between now and next week,

I want you to reflect on what it is

that makes you feel like you don't deserve to be loved.

- I didn't say that.

- So why'd you do it, sweetheart?

Clearly, this is about something else.

- Oh, it's--it's nothing.

It was just a--

it was just a funny joke, really.

It was stupid, but it was just a stupid joke.

- Darby...

you know we love you very much,

but that is unacceptable.

- Claudia, that's not gonna help.

- Please don't undermine me.

- Is it our fault? Is it my fault?

- I'm just so sad.

[crying]

But I'm glad we're going home, 'cause I just...

I just want to be home with you guys,

even if you don't want me there.

- [gasps] - Oh.

Of course we want you there.

We love you.

- You haven't been here that long.

I bet no one will even remember you.

[engine starts]

[light music]

♪ ♪

narrator: Darby did not return to therapy after that,

for she sensed that digging deeper

would require her to upend her entire life,

which was built on the carefully constructed fantasy

that getting married was some sort of proof,

once and for all, that she was lovable.

♪ ♪

- Babes, what are you doing?

Let's go.

- Okay.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪