Original subtitles

NANDOR: House meeting.

House meeting, everyone. Hello?

Ah, Nadja. Uh, the house meeting

was supposed to start 15 minutes ago. Where's Laszlo?

He is tending to his fruit trees.

Okay, great. So maybe you want to fetch him,

and we can begin the house meeting.

No, I cannot go and "fetch" him. That is a job for Guillermo.

-Guillermo is on a break at the moment. -Sorry, a what?

NANDOR: From now on, Guillermo will receive

one day off per week.

Plus a 15-minute break every four hours.

This is all my idea, of course,

-not Guillermo's idea. -NADJA: Guillermo,

I give you permission to take a break from your breaking.

NANDOR: Guillermo, you will do no such thing. You will not break...

GUILLERMO: Starting to think my whole life is a big pile

of bullshit. (chuckles)

Sometimes this job seems like

a really childish career choice.

Like, what am I doing here?

I don't know. Maybe it's time to grow up

and get a real job with real people.

Maybe I could start a business?

I was using these Tide pens the other day

to take off blood off my clothes.

And I thought, I don't have to do this. I...

I dumped all of this...

into this to make this.

Isn't that cool?

It's a Heavy Duty Blood Remover.

Been watching a lot of Shark Tank lately.

MAN: The sky will be the limit. What do you say?

-Can we make a deal today? -NANDOR: I am not fetching anyone!

When I was a child, I loved juicy red apples.

(sniffs) Now they just smell like shit and decay.

So now what I basically do is cut them off the tree

and throw them on the floor.

(chuckles)

MALE VOICE: Laszlo.

Did you hear that?

Laszlo Cravensworth.

Who calls the Cravensworth?

You have a lot of nerve disturbing me,

in my garden, pruning.

It would be best for everybody if you show yourself now.

(wind whistling, bell ringing)

A goat.

(goat bleats)

Your shepherd will be wondering where the hell you are.

NANDOR: Laszlo! House meeting time.

Yeah, I'll be there momentarily.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! -(bleats)

What kind of goat sorcery is this?

The ceremony awaits you.

Help! Aah!

NANDOR: Laszlo, the house meeting!

-(bleating) -Laszlo!

(Laszlo crying out)

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

* Don't sing if you want to live long *

* They have no use for your song *

* You're dead, you're dead, you're dead *

* You're dead and out of this world *

* Now your hope and compassion is gone *

* You sold out your dream to the world *

* Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead *

* You're dead and out of this world. *

*

I can feel something terrible has happened.

It's witches. They have taken him!

-I can feel it on the inside of my bones. -Ah...

I'm not saying that Nadja is hysterical, but

she blames everything on witches.

(gasps) Witches are near.

NANDOR: Like every little

fucking thing.

NADJA: The witches

have been toying with our rugs again. Please get some

witch-proof carpet tape and tape that rug down.

Witches! Aah!

-(sighs) -See? (sniffs)

Witch dust. Ugh!

-Or dirt. -It's not... not witch dust.

NADJA: Oh, it stinks.

Nobody breathe it in. It's how they seize control of your mind.

(spits) We're going to have to burn the garden.

-We have to do something! -I think perhaps the best place

to start is to look around here.

Let's do that. Excuse me.

Guillermo, you will join us, too.

Nah, that's not in my job description.

-(gasps) -NANDOR: Laszlo? Did you fall down a hole again?

GOAT: Nandor.

-Did somebody call my name? -No, no, shit, Nandor, don't!

Hey, there's a goat over here.

-Hello, Mr. Goat. -Nandor, it's... No, don't!

You're very handsome, aren't you? Have we met before?

The ceremony awaits.

-Hey. Wait. Hey! Whoa! -(witch cackling)

NADJA: Shit, shit, shit.

-Okay. I'll get the keys. -Yes, you bloody will.

(chuckles) I'll be damned. Witches.

NADJA: Colin, hurry!

(witches cackling)

(groans) Can you not make this carriage move faster?

You're moving slower than when my yaya tried

to ride a snail to the next village.

If you wanted to go faster, why didn't you fly?

Ooh, it's too dangerous.

Look how quickly and disgustingly they move.

They're really hauling ass.

Oh, Gizmo, they're getting ready to land. Ooh!

-Ooh. -Oh.

Well, luckily, that was just Nandor.

-Oh! They're moving toward the right! -Hey! Take the next exit!

-No! -(tires screeching)

(car horn honking)

GUILLERMO: Let go of the wheel! Your driving's gonna kill us!

(screams)

NADJA: Stop the machine, make it stop.

Yes. They are near.

The smell of beef and sulfur is overwhelming.

-COLIN: That's just Brooklyn. -Yes. It's over there.

Do you want me to go in for a quick snoop and poop?

No. You cannot go. They will sense you.

No, we need a mortal. A human. A common schlub.

A nobody. Someone who's personality is like a eunuch's.

-You know? -Okay, I'm gonna go. I'll go. All right? I'll go.

-Oh, really, Guillermo, I would never have... -Right, I'll do it.

-No. I'll go. -Thank you, Guillermo. -I just...

-GUILLERMO: Don't worry. -(car door closes)

I have to do everything myself.

You guys stay back, okay? Just stay back here.

(clears throat)

Anything I can help you find?

No. No, I'm just...

taking a look at, um...

Is this... is this the only room,

or is there another room with other stuff, or...?

You're looking for something specific?

Any allergies?

No. I mean, my nose is stuffy, but I don't know

if it's because of a food allergy

-or a seasonal allergy, or... -Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, you don't have to do that. No, thank you.

No. No. I'm not good at...

-Mmm... -Oh, that feels good.

NADJA: Oh, I think she's trying to squeeze Gizmo's eyeballs out.

The consensus on Instagram is that we underestimate

the importance of self-care.

-(goat bleating) -Hang on.

Oh, shit.

-Oh! -Fuck.

Do you have anything for rosacea?

I think I have a little flare-up on my chin.

Come with me. Bring the cameras.

-There's no... -This way.

Fire.

I say, ladies, perhaps we could come

to some kind of arrangement?

I mean, you don't need the two of us, surely. No?

Psst, guys.

A little help?

-Intruders! Intruders! -NANDOR: Sorry, guys.

LILITH: Fret not, my sisters.

Let 'em in.

Let the ceremony be documented

for the ages.

(grunts)

(quietly): Idiot.

This is kind of exciting.

Little dark in here, huh?

You will remain here with the others

until the ceremony is complete.

What cer...? Others, what?

(Nadja and Colin yelling)

(gasps)

GUILLERMO: Wait!

NADJA: Guillermo, get the lights.

-GUILLERMO: I'm looking for it. -NADJA: It's over there.

-GUILLERMO: Over where? -NADJA: Now he's getting breaks all the time,

so he doesn't want to turn the lights on!

GUILLERMO: I'm looking...

-NADJA: This talking back! -I'm looking for it!

COLIN: Turn on the damn light!

-GUILLERMO: Fuck you guys. -(Nadja gasps)

Aha!

Oh, what is this place?

COLIN: Uh, some sort of storage room, perhaps.

(loud screaming)

Not a storage room.

Places, everyone.

(door closes)

Everything is secure?

Yes.

NANDOR: Witches!

Hear me now and take note.

Release us, and you will be shown mercy.

But... any further hesitation will ensure

your complete and utter destruction!

(witches laughing)

-That'll do. -Well done, Nandor.

You've certainly frightened them.

-(gasps softly) -Now let us begin.

Start the music.

* I see you, little mama *

-* Doin' your thang * -No.

* But you would look much better underneath my w... *

Wrong playlist.

That's for the hip-hop kundalini class we offer

Tuesday, Thursday evenings.

-Sorry. -It's all right, Tessa.

Start the music.

(intense tribal music playing)

-(Nandor groans) -LASZLO: What the hell are those?

NANDOR: I don't know...

I think this is the end.

Don't breathe it in. It's some kind of...

-Hey... -LASZLO: Hello.

I must say, I-I'm not sure

I fully disapprove of this abduction.

-NANDOR: Relaxing, really. -Some might say erotic.

I don't know about y-you, old chap, but

-I have a raging hard-on. -Yes.

COLIN: These witches are sly, but so am I.

I think I have 'em figured out.

Door on the floor... we ain't here no more.

-(howling wind) -Aah! Help!

-(shouts) -(pants)

That does that thing.

(piano music playing)

Oh, hello. We were wondering

-if, um... -(cracking)

-(music playing backwards) -(woman wheezing)

Ma'am.

-This way. -Ah.

-Later, suckers. -And so when I saw that,

I knew it was the right door.

-Puta madre. -How many door rooms do they have?

It's the same one, Professor Pig Dick!

I've done a lot of escape rooms,

but I'm usually the one in the group that is asking about

where we're gonna go for dinner afterwards

and how we'll split up the bill.

Don't open that, Nadja.

(screaming)

I hate this place!

Laszlo, my love, I am coming for you. Be strong.

-I'm coming! -Not now! Um...

I mean, um, uh, in your own time, my darling.

-No immediate hurry. -LILITH: 'Tis time

-to begin the extraction. -The what, now?

-Removal of your semen. -Oh, yes.

Well, I'm quite keen on that idea, let that be known.

LILITH: Now, the process

will be quick...

Well, that's slightly insulting but probably true.

Though I can go again.

...though, I'm afraid, not entirely painless.

-Ah. -LILITH: Tess? Quinn?

Ooh, look out. Marital aids?

LILITH: No. 18th century surgical tools.

-Ew. -LASZLO: Shit.

Fast as you can, my dear! Like, now!

They are fully engorged.

-LASZLO: True. -(gasps)

Let us revert to our true form.

NANDOR: MILFs.

-Even better. -It's a contrast

but something I wouldn't say no to.

I'll prepare the cauldron. Bring me the fluid when the bowls

-are filled to the brim. -What are you doing with those?

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no. -Hi.

I-I don't think that bowl's going to be big enough.

-Nadja! -Don't think it's going to fit in there.

You really need to get here!

COLIN: Ah. Looks like Epicurus,

the Greek philosopher and father of hedonism.

Pleasure is the absence of suffering.

The Greek word for pleasure is...

Found it.

Ready?

Well, h-h-how'd you find that?

"Salida."

-"Exit." -It's in Spanish. I know.

-I know that, too. -I... I've discovered it.

-I would've thought of it. -Guillermo.

COLIN: I told you I'd get us out of here.

-NANDOR: It's for wine, isn't it? -No, no, no, no, no.

-NANDOR: We just met. -Where are you going with that?

Put those tiny swords down this instant,

or you'll be removing them from your crusty old tits

and dry, old asses.

Ooh, my darling, am I pleased to see you.

How did you escape from our secret room?

That would be me, ma'am. Thank you.

I put together all your clues.

-Figured it out. -Actually, it was me.

I'm the one who saw... It's in Spanish.

Well, yo soy a bit of a puzzle head.

You're a man of great intelligence.

Yes, Mensa has been trying to get me to join.

You've proven that you are also worthy of semen extraction.

Oh, thank you. I'd like to tell you you'd be the first

to ever say that to me, but you're not.

-(laughs) -Not with those, though.

Yeah, that's your guy right there.

No hablo inglés.

Real nice job, Colin Robinson.

Well, I know we're all having the laugh of our lives,

but sadly all parties must come to an end.

Guillermo, untie them.

Can't you see you're outnumbered?

What are you gonna do-- moisturize us to death?

-No. -(laughs) -LILITH: Enough.

(gasping)

Oh, Lilith, I should have known this was you.

Your stinky old stank was all over it.

Lilith is a witch I befriended many, many years ago.

She used to run a shop that sold

all the newest mixtures of makeups

and ladies' clothings and shirtings

and suitings and shoesings.

It was all a front, of course.

It was a way to distribute the very best of semens

to any witch who needed it.

Naturally, we hit it off straightaway.

Very fast friends. (chuckles softly)

That was, until she did something so evil,

so despicable, so unforgivable that we are now

sworn enemies for the rest of time.

(spitting)

Five spits for an enemy, Lilith.

-You look so different to how I remember you. -Oh, yes.

I appear to you now as my natural, aged self.

With every passing moment,

our anti-aging spells lose their potency.

Well, over my undead body will your crispy hands

get anywhere near my husband's sperms again.

-"Again"? -Hmm? -Yeah.

Thing is,

I had a bit of a knee trembler with Lilith some time ago,

and Nadja found out and put me on her shit list.

Okay...

She tricked me with her witchcraft.

Oh, she tricked you, did she? Come on, Laszlo!

-(blows) -(gasps)

-LILITH: He does not lie. -(hisses)

I didn't come to him in the form you see me now.

I took a form that I knew

he could never resist.

-You. -(gasps)

In bed, she made herself look just like you.

It's true. Watch me now. Watch me.

Watch as I transform

to look exactly

like... you!

Voilà.

Is that what you think I look like?

From here, I-I can't tell the difference.

You both look exactly the same.

It's a completely different woman.

Sorry, you'll have to raise your hand.

Otherwise, I don't know who's talking.

-Speak for me. -(with accent): Speak for me.

-She... (stammers) -The same.

She's just doing a generic European accent!

"Generic European accent."

-Pretty close, my love. -NADJA: Colin Robinson?

-Um... -Nandor?

Uh...

Look at us standing together now. It's-it's me,

and it's another woman.

How many more women have you slept with

that just have long dark hair?

She's got long dark hair. Have you slept with her?

Hello, Judith.

Nandor's got long dark hair and an accent.

Have you slept with him?

I can't believe...

Right. Piss this. You are welcome to his semens.

-I'm going home. -Silence!

No one is going anywhere now.

With the combined semen

of these two vampires...

(Colin clears throat)

What's your name?

C-Colin Robinson, Miss.

With Colin Robinson's

semen, too,

we can maintain our youthful appearances

for an even

longer amount of time than before.

-Ah. -Yes, yes, yes.

-Well done. Well done. -Thank you.

Also, we use it to make magnets.

Witches. May I ask you a quick question?

What would you say if I told you that I could provide you

with all the vampire semen and more

that your little black hearts desire?

Hmm, go on.

Sure, you can leave today with a one-time extraction

-from these two well-endowed... -Three.

-Hmm? -Three well-endowed...

-Okay. -Go on.

These three gentlemen.

But what happens when that semen is gone?

You're out on the prowl hunting for more.

QUINN: Yeah, it's true.

The search for prospective donors is a constant headache.

LILITH: Also,

last time things...

totally went off the rails.

-(groans) -GUILLERMO: Exactly.

So what would you say if I could provide you

an unlimited supply of semen? Yeah.

I basically offered them a deal where, if I could get

Nandor and Laszlo's...

seed, willingly,

then in return, I would get three percent

of the net profit.

I call this Memo's Man Milk.

Love it.

Memo's short for Guillermo.

No more kidnappings or surgical

extractions, and it's not like there's

not enough to go around. That stuff is everywhere.

I also included Colin Robinson in the deal,

which they replied and said "No."

Yeah, I've always been good at puzzles.

At the 1992 World Puzzle Championship,

I told New York Times puzzle master Will Shortz

to "eat my shorts."

-(Nadja gasps) -What the hell?

LASZLO: Who the hell has done all this?

NANDOR AND NADJA: What the...?

-My pillows. -(thudding)

What is that sound?

I think it's coming from down the hall.

-Oh. -It's the bloody goat.

-(gasping) -COLIN: Wait. Does he live here now?

-Oh, no! -Did you do this?

Get out of here!

-Oh, no! -LASZLO: Begone! -NANDOR: Shoo! Naughty goat.

I know where you live, asshole.

(goat bleats)

(sighs, groans)

-What are you up to? -Oh, nothing much.

-You? -Relegated to the coffin in the basement.

Ah. Tough break.

-You still, uh... -Terribly.

-You? -Full blazes.

Look, I was thinking that...

That we should finish each other off and tell no one?

Well, I'm game if you are.

GUILLERMO: I saved the day when no one else could.

-Knock, knock. -Oh, hey there.

GUILLERMO: But I will always be "just a familiar" to them.

I'm just another schlub driving around Brooklyn

with a bunch of jars full of semen.

-Another delivery? -(sighs) Yeah. How about you?

-Guard duty. -Cool, cool.

It isn't easy for guys like us.

Well, technically, you're not a guy, so...

I mean, just hanging around for years doing all the shit work.

Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever make me a witch.

Yeah.

Anyways, I got to go, Black Peter, okay?

-I'll see you later. -Later.

(bleats)

* Gather up the dill and the thyme and the walnuts *

* The fennel and the sage and the garlic and the foxgloves *

* Gather up the mint and the lemon balm and henbane *

* Mistletoe and mandrake, the poke and the nightshade *

* Ah... *

* Ah *

* Ah... *

* Gather up the mint and the lemon balm and henbane *

* The mistletoe and mandrake, the poke and the nightshade. *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

COLIN: They had come highly recommended

by a mutual vampire associate of ours,

but nevertheless, I found it prudent

-to run the traditional credit checks... -(yawns)

...and reference protocols.

Suffice it to say, I am part of the 33%

who find it necessary to utilize my complementary credit check

every year.

(snoring)

(hisses)

(up-tempo music plays)