Original subtitles

That was good.

Top dog, big dog, bad dog.

Who's the best dog?

That's my dog.

Who's the best dog?

That's my dog.

It's a big, bad dog.

Number 1 dog. Dog at the top.

Slow down, Fido. We need to talk.

- Yeah? - Vince.

You see the Vitagirl numbers? You hit that demographic dead on.

Yeah, looking good.

- Talk about what? - Us.

We're 24 hours away from fast-food fame

or oblivion. Will you sign off on that copy?

No.

No! What do you mean, no?

Nelson, we've been killing ourselves with this

- What? - Meet you in 20.

Nelson!

I remember growing up.

- Summertime - I'm starving

- baseball - Ready for the game?

- You bet. - Go get them!

and Dr. Diggity Dogs.

Us. Isn't there some kind of limit on the "us" talks?

1, OK. 2 if necessary.

3, cruel and unusual.

Great dog, big dog.

Forgot about my parents, didn't you?

I can't make it. I'm sorry.

Nelson, this is their third trip to the city.

You could make an effort.

This is important to me.

This account is very important to me.

It's Dr. Diggity, practically an American institution.

An American institution.

Dr. Diggity. Amer

No.

You know, there are people who don't work 24 hours a day.

They stop, relax

have lives.

I have a life, Angelica and I'm late for it.

I'm not sure I like the tag line.

It needs to be deadpan.

- I want to play with it. - If it isn't broke, don't fix it.

That rule applies to mediocrity.

- We want perfection. - We want a check.

You worry too much.

Worrying about losing keeps you winning.

Congrats.

Nelson, you've got the Ad Age for the Pelican spot.

Give that to me.

Look. It says "team." I'm "team."

God!

- Good morning, Mr. Moss. - Thanks.

- Vince. - Beatrice, I'll have the

Edgar Price is coming out of retirement.

He says he's tired of being ripped off and might as well rip himself off.

Edgar Price, huh?

He was the best.

Remember that Mercedes ad?

The car, floating in outer space, it comes right at you.

Genius.

Check this out.

What?

Balance.

How's my dream team? Got it locked up?

Sure, chief. Just finessing

No, no, it's all locked up.

- It's minor details. - Minor.

See that?

Make it happen.

Red. Blood red!

I can't read this. Is English her second language?

You'll love these frames. I ran with your idea.

It's still your idea, just better. The client will love it.

Ethnic.

Give me a bonfire, three-quarter.

- More cleavage, more dogs. - There's three girls.

- Let's make this night. - Night?

What's this? Porno?

You said you wanted edge.

- I don't feel it. - There you are.

- Blood red. - Forget your 1:00 o'clock at the DMV?

Reschedule.

I don't have time.

Wait till the presentation's over.

If you don't renew today they'll suspend your license.

You get pulled over, and they can throw you in jail.

I'll bet you don't have time for that either.

Nobody beats the DMV. Not even you.

'Bye-bye.

I got it.

- I don't feel it. - Not feeling it. Blood red.

Blood red! Let's go, let's bleed!

Thanks.

All right. There will be no talking, eating or drinking

during the test.

If your personal hygiene becomes a distraction

you'll be asked to leave.

Sorry.

If you need to use the bathroom, raise your hand.

Would you pass me the Colombo, please?

Yeah, the salami.

Thanks.

You cannot take the test with you to the bathroom.

If you do not come back from the bathroom

you cannot pass the test.

You may begin.

"Falling rocks?"

Oh, Christ!

Hey.

Number nine

true or false?

Oh.

I'm not there yet.

Sorry.

- But when I do mine - Excuse me.

Bring your test papers forward, please.

Me?

You.

With the scarf, yes.

I wasn't cheating.

Why would I cheat on a DMV test?

You may retake the test in 30 days.

That's a joke, right?

30 days?

That's a whole month.

Great.

Fine.

I guess I'm going.

Walking.

Hey.

Good luck.

Shane and Dunne.

- Nelson Moss for Vince. - One moment.

- Did Ruben tweak the music? - No, he said it's fine.

Shit.

Cut him.

Get Johnson McDonald. Give him the sample. Tell him

- you've lost your mind. - No, beg him for 10 tomorrow.

- That's crazy! - How did it go?

Did you get your license?

- Vince. - What?

What do you think about this? "Barking mad for Dr. Diggity."

- That sucks. - Congratulations.

You can read.

- Call you back. - No, no.

Can I help you?

Can you help me?

Yeah.

That's your van, isn't it?

Is this your car?

Wow.

- Nice. - You can't drive, right.

No.

This is the way that you

Right.

Shit.

How much do you make a month?

It doesn't look like much.

I'll cover your expenses.

Here. Call my secretary.

We'll work it out.

Is this quest for redemption from remorse?

Or are you scared my sitting on your car will cause a dent?

The dent.

That's what I thought.

What are you doing?

Buying redemption.

Redemption's not for sale today.

Sorry.

OK.

I guess I'm going to hell.

Get off the car.

OK.

'Bye.

Yeah, here we go.

I'm going to get it.

Get it.

OK.

What is it?

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

Yeah?

Mr. Moss, it's Manny from downstairs.

We have a bit of a situation. There's a lady here

who's saying strange, personal things about you.

You can't talk to him.

- Move over. - You can't talk to him.

I can talk to him. Look, I'm going to.

How are you, big spender?

Remember me? I'm downstairs. Do you want to come down here?

I can't stop thinking about you.

- Did he hear me? - Yeah.

- Are you sure? - I think he heard you.

Hello?

Yeah.

OK, I'll

- What? - I'll see you in five.

OK, I'm down here.

OK?

Then my wife, she says to me:

"You can fix nothing."

So then she leaves me for plumber.

- No. - Yeah, the plumber.

Look at that, Manny.

My very own Prince Charming.

I don't think I've ever met such a royal asshole in my entire life.

So does your mom know you treat women like hookers

or did she raise you to believe

that being nice means patronizing the whole world?

Uh-oh, I smell trouble.

- Can I talk to you? - Yeah.

'Bye, Manny.

- How did you find me? - I'm smart.

So I need a ride.

Is this a joke?

Well, you're the reason I can't drive

so the least you can do is schlep me somewhere.

It'll be painless. Where's your car?

It's been a ball, but some of us have to work.

Please don't make me throw a tantrum.

Would you like to get naked with us? We have a tub full of fudge

Ignore her.

- It'll be fun! - Ignore her.

- He's cute! - What are you doing?

Do you know what?

You're a flasher. A flasher!

- It has to stop. - Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

- Don't walk away! - I'll call the police.

- He keeps flashing! - Medication.

Are you nuts?

I live here.

Do you have any shame?

Well, I just want a ride.

Please?

Oh, by the way

I'm Sara Deever.

Nice to meet you.

You'll want to get in the right lane.

- Put your indicator - I know how to drive.

OK.

You'll want to take the 80 to Oakland.

- Oakland? - Yeah.

- You said this would be quick. - I also said it would be painless.

This is really nice of you to do this for me

and I'm sorry if I went too far, but I did need this ride

so I really appreciate it. Thanks.

Right here.

What do you plan to do with that?

Commit a heinous crime. What else?

You'll wait for me, right? Right?

Of course you will.

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

Go. Go!

Go, go, go.

Oh, my God!

That was so great.

Feel like Bonnie and Clyde?

No, I don't.

- Why not? - They got shot.

- Don't open it. I don't want to know. - Just relax.

They're just my little furry friends. Say, "Hi, Nelson."

Somebody was going to do nasty little experiments on your brains

but I wouldn't have it.

What do you do, by the way?

I'm in advertising.

Advertising.

So do you enjoy it?

People tend to enjoy what they're really good at.

Besides your job, what else makes you miserable?

I mean, what do you do for fun?

I didn't think so.

No hobbies?

No diversions? No kinky obsessions?

For one quick second there, I thought you

Just get in the car.

Want to come up for cocoa?

As titillating as the evening's been, I'm afraid not.

OK.

How about I make you a deal?

Come up for one cup, and I'll never ask you for another ride.

No, thanks.

OK.

Thanks.

I'll see you tomorrow then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on.

Hold on.

8:00 o'clock is good for you, right?

You, me, Manny, the doorman, that whole thing?

Come in.

There you guys go.

I can help you.

See, I have a gift:

a special ability to help men with problems.

I don't have problems.

Now, see: That usually is the first sign.

Of what?

Denial.

Denial?

First of all, I think you work too much.

Really? And what do you know about work?

Plenty.

You admitted you do nothing else and it doesn't make you happy.

I admitted nothing. I was silent.

No special interests, no pets.

You hate dogs.

Busted.

Actually I do have a pet, a fish.

A fish?

Doesn't count. Cold-blooded. Sorry.

No, you are a walking case study.

Look at you.

You're a workaholic at such an advanced stage

that your intimacy skills have withered away to almost nothing.

Left untreated

you could become emotionally extinct.

Out of sheer perverse curiosity

how does a lunatic like you help a guy like me?

You live in a box.

I could lift the lid

and let some light in.

Wow, that's deep.

I feel almost cured just hearing it.

Well

if you want my help

it'll require a commitment on your part.

You have to live with me here for a month.

No more, no less

and no work allowed.

You don't even know me

and you're inviting me to move in?

And how's my girlfriend supposed to feel about that?

Girlfriend?

You don't have a girlfriend.

I mean, it's something you feel.

There's something intimate a woman leaves on a man that you don't have.

Her name's Angelica.

Well, I feel sorry for Angelica.

Great.

I'll relay that to her when I leave, which is right about now.

October's almost over.

We can start at midnight

the first of November.

If you're brave enough to commit, I'll devote myself entirely to you.

Brave enough, but not stupid enough.

Now listen up, moonbeam.

Here's how it works.

No more harassment. No more rides.

No more extortion.

Next time you come into my building

I really will call the cops.

This is your image, Mr. Leach.

We polled your primary demographic.

Know what 89 percent said?

"Boring."

"Safe."

We need to drop a bomb.

You don't want hot dogs "safe."

What's in a hot dog?

Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

They're dangerous.

What are we selling here?

We're selling temptation, desire

animal instincts

gluttony, sin.

We want to show man as he really is:

A savage!

He needs fire. He needs food.

He hunts and gathers.

What does he get?

He gets a hot dog.

We're pagans.

We love our rituals.

Our team hits a home run, and we're screaming.

What do we want?

We want a hot dog!

Let's go to your preteen demographic:

kids, the little angels.

They're not. They're monsters.

We give them a tuna sandwich, and they don't want a tuna sandwich.

They want a hot dog.

We need women.

We've got the mothers

and we want their daughters.

Let's ask that age-old question:

"What does a woman really want?"

You know.

I know.

She wants a hot dog.

We're hot-blooded. We need sex.

We need a sinful, dangerous food.

What is it?

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

"Dr. Diggity. It's a hot dog."

No.

No?

What do you mean?

It's not for us.

You don't understand our company.

I don't understand?

What did you ask us for?

Edge.

This is edge.

We're going with Baker Bohanon.

I think you're making a mistake.

I've seen your sales. You're in big trouble.

Oh, no. We are America's favorite hot dog, son.

Were. Were.

You're a dinosaur.

You're flatlining.

You're dead meat.

And you just went too far, you little punk.

So I'll tell you what I really think of your campaign.

This is cheap, tasteless crap.

Really?

That's funny, because so is your product.

Stop it.

I make a wholesome hot dog, you prick.

It's mystery meat.

- Come on, Nelson! - It's toxic waste in a tube.

You're killing me.

You're killing us. You're killing all of us.

Mr. Leach! Hey, buddy.

What the hell happened in there?

I know.

Can you believe that asshole?

Baker Bohanon.

I've always said you're brilliant, a machine

but I knew one day you'd snap, and we'd all burn.

What are you talking about, burn?

Do you know what was at stake? How many millions you lost?

You just dragged my agency's name through the gutter.

Hold on a second.

The gutter?

I'm the best thing this agency's got.

And that rabid dog routine makes you the best?

I don't think so. It makes you a wreck

It makes you a liability.

You need a vacation. Now.

Screw the vacation.

Give me another account. Come on.

Nelson, did you hear me?

Take a vacation.

Short or permanent, your choice.

Are you threatening me?

That's hilarious.

I'm two Clios ahead of the game, Ray.

You can't afford to lose me.

You're fired.

Say that again.

I don't think I heard you.

You're fired.

God, am I

glad to see you.

You've got to be kidding me.

Mr. Moss?

Are you doing OK?

I'm fine.

You have a deliv

You have delivery.

- Leave it! - I do not think you want me to do that.

It's from the crazy lady from the other night.

She tell me I have to deliver in the flesh.

I said, leave it.

OK.

You've got to be kidding me.

Hey.

Do me a favor. Stay out of my life.

Goodbye.

Is that Ernie?

It's Ernie!

I missed you so much! Hi.

Did you rethink my offer?

I don't feel like playing the Deever Mad Hatter game.

What is this?

- What happened? - Nothing.

- Can I look at it? - Why?

Because I'm a vampire.

Because it's bleeding.

And maybe.... maybe I can help you.

What are you after? What do you want from me?

You should come with me.

Why are you sending me dogs?

So what did you do today?

What did I do today?

I got fired.

They took the company car

and my girlfriend left me.

Perfect.

Define "perfect."

Well

it's the first of November:

our month to be together.

You're actually serious about this.

Oh yeah, very.

You think I'm just going to drop everything?

I don't want to bust your bubble, but it sounds like you already have.

Live here

and let you mess with my head for a whole month?

I don't know if I would put it that way

but yeah, I think you should.

I'm sorry. I can't stand watches.

So this

whatever you call it

- Help. - "Help."

What are you doing?

Taking your shirt off.

Why?

So you can clean up.

Why?

Because you smell like puppy pee.

Just for the night.

Whoa. Hey.

OK.

What?

Slow, you know.

Yeah.

Gentle.

Look at me.

This is not very comfortable.

Wait. What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Wait. Just go slow.

Just

What's wrong? What's wrong?

- Where are you going? - To hell with this.

But wait.

Please wait.

Will you just wait a second?

I have no words to describe how positively wacked you are.

- What are you so pissed off about? - This has been the day from hell.

I don't need you telling me what to do in the sack

- I didn't mean to. I just - Just what?

Making sure your game was going according to plan?

- It's not a game. - Really?

Then just what is it exactly?

I'm trying to help you.

I don't need help.

It doesn't get much sweeter than this.

What I'm offering is a win-win situation.

Yeah? And what do you get out of it?

I get to help you.

I don't understand you. This whole thing

You don't need to understand me.

You just need to let it happen.

Please don't go.

Why not?

Because I know you don't want to.

Have you ever considered a career in sales?

No.

Well you should.

You're relentless.

Nelson

would you like to be my November?

Yes.

- What's your name? - Raquel.

That's a beautiful name.

Could you put an extra shot of chocolate in my mocha?

Chocolate's an aphrodisiac. Did you know that?

You look great in that smock. Yeah.

- Vince. - Where are you? I've been calling

- Edgar Price. - Edgar Price?

- Edgar Price. - Edgar Price. What, what, what?

- Can you get us a meeting? - You and me?

You and me. Edgar Price's new company.

- Game? - That's brilliant. That's genius.

I'll do that. They stuck me with that loser, John Heedley.

- I can't go on like this. - Vince?

- Call me with news. - Absolutely.

Hey.

- Stop what you're doing right now. - Why?

Because it's the same boring thing you do every day of your life

and you can't do that with me.

What's wrong with your TV?

Good morning.

It doesn't work.

Of course it doesn't. It's a planter.

Right.

- Where are my clothes? - I gave them away.

You what?

I gave them away.

Oh, but

look at this.

Oh yeah, baby

Freedom. No more suits.

I got you those.

Sara, this is not helpful. Give me my shirt and pants back.

What? It's clothes.

It's just going to cover your body. What do you care?

Hey. Do you like cheese?

Hey there, Ernie. Hi.

Ernie, are you sad? Do you miss your brother?

You'll stay with me until we find you some decent parents.

Hey, by the way, when do I get to meet your parents?

My parents are dead.

I'm sorry.

Sara, I'm not amused. I want my clothes back. Now.

I told you, I gave them away.

I promise, I'll never lie to you.

So

would you like vegan sausage, vegan bacon.

That's all we've got now. Huh?

I make it with a lot of vegan butter so it gets nice and black and crispy

but if you don't like it that way, I won't make it that way, OK?

Hey, hey.

Three hours sleep last night.

I tried valerian root, melatonin, the Shopping Channel.

Do you know what did the trick?

- What? - Jimmy Cagney

Public Enemy, violence as a tranquilizer.

How twisted is that?

You're looking very sexy today.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Wow.

I do believe that is my favorite sweatshirt I see.

You must be November.

I must be November?

That's Nelson.

Hey, Nelson. How are you?

- I'm Chaz. - Hey.

Do you know what?

Keep the sweatshirt. It looks better on you.

Is this some kind of a communal-culty-squeaky-Charlie type of deal?

That's very good. He's really funny.

Much cooler than October. A lot of good he was.

I've got to go.

- I love you, baby. - I love you.

- Are you sure you don't want any food? - And get fat like you?

- See you around, Nelson. - See you.

I think I'll pull myself out of monthly rotation while I'm ahead.

What? Nelson.

- Who the hell was that? Your pimp? - Chaz?

Chaz lives downstairs. We look after each other.

I think Chaz can take care of himself.

He just needs a good night's sleep.

- Hi, sweetheart. How are you? - Hey, guys. Nelson.

- Sorry. - It's OK.

I was trying to introduce you. That's AI and Osiris.

They own that bookstore.

They used to be friends with Jack Kerouac.

I don't care. I don't read.

Sara, can you spare 15 bucks?

Bruce, I gave you those clothes. Why are you so greedy?

That's my shirt! Those are my pants!

- Doesn't it feel good to give? - No.

- Are you November? - Where am I?

You have to meet.

Nelson, this is Abner. Abner, Nelson.

Abner's going to set a world record one day.

- What's today's project? - Standing on one leg. Want to time me?

I have to break the record of 300 hours.

- No. - Loser!

Get a life.

Good one.

You let a 10-year-old wind you up?

Forget him. What about you?

You sleep with half the city, and get the whole neighborhood involved.

- You'd prefer if I was a virgin? - Considering the alternative, yes.

I'm yours

all yours.

Look, Sara. You're great.

You're a very sexy, smart, interesting, somewhat unusual woman.

But we... I always think it's best to clarify issues.

You are the most egotistical man I've ever met.

I am talking about a month.

The truth is, I don't have a month. Time is money.

OK. Let's just How long do you think

you could put this big, lucrative career of yours on hold? Just

God, what am I talking about? You are unemployed

You don't have a job! You got fired, Nelson.

You have nothing to go back to.

This project of yours feels like an excuse to get laid.

Sara, I'm sorry.

Sara, I didn't mean to... I didn't think you'd

I don't understand why you're doing this, is all.

I told you.

I have my reasons.

Still friends?

Only if you give me what I want.

What?

Time.

- All I can do is a day. - I'll take it.

OK.

I'll take it.

It's always a thrill to explore new career possibilities.

How much do you charge?

- I don't do this for the money. - Why do you do it?

I like it. You can take them off the leashes.

Come on. Oh, yes. You're so excited, I know.

Yeah, you go and raise some hell.

Don't tell your mom, OK? You can let them go, you know, Nelson.

Come on.

Yippee.

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

Get off me.

So when was the last time you spent a whole day outside?

When my parents dragged me to Alcatraz for the day at the age of 9.

Wow.

- Now you tell me something. - Anything.

What was so enlightening about what we did today?

Why is letting some dogs go wild a better way to live than my way?

Granted, it was mildly amusing, but my third eye didn't open.

Well, these things take time

and you don't have time.

No, seriously. It's a question of values.

Why is doing something fundamentally trivial better

than living a responsible life?

Boring as that might seem to you.

And who made you the expert, the doctor, the guru?

Why do you have all the answers?

Well, I used to own this company called Sublime Pets.

No, I really did.

And then I quit. It wasn't fun anymore, you know.

Before or after you toured as a standup comedian?

I never did that.

Well, this.

This would be really good for you:

sharpen your instincts.

No, no.

Not those kind of instincts.

So the object of the game Get your hands off me.

I run around. You lose track of me. Then you

No, no peeking. Hands off.

Count to 10

then come and find me.

1, 2, 3... I'm going to get you.

4, 5, 6 I know where you are.

7, 8, 9, 10.

Oh Nelson, that was terrible.

You didn't even get close.

This is funny?

I'm sorry. Are you OK?

Sara, you're not going to be upset when I leave tonight?

I told you, one day.

Yeah, of course.

Mitch was my October.

He was so shy.

I think he was the shyest man I've ever met.

So

we focused on strengthening his confidence.

And was the patient cured?

Oh yeah.

My treatment was so effective

that we had to terminate the month early.

And what about September?

No. No September.

What?

You didn't think I was weird about it, did you?

And you and all these guys?...

Does it matter that much to you?

Why a month?

It's long enough to be meaningful and short enough to stay out of trouble.

It was delicious.

Thanks.

It's getting late.

Don't worry about this. I'll clean it up.

What are you going to do when you go home?

I don't know.

I don't usually map out my evenings.

You're going to go home

turn on your TV

get bored

turn on your computer

go through your work, get bored

surf the net

get bored

and think of me.

Ernie

Try to be wrong once in a while.

It'll do my ego good.

- I don't see why we didn't take a cab. - Because I make the rules, Nelson.

Rules you must submit to, utterly and completely.

If you want to be a dominatrix that bad

why don't we buy you the leather and get it over with?

I think I'm strangely aroused.

That's Abner.

Hi.

Is that you?

He's got a face. It's a good one too.

- Did you wait long? - No.

Good.

What is that? You didn't.

- You did not bring that! - What can I say?

- Yeah? - Just call me genius, I don't mind.

- What up, Vince? - "What up"?

You, me, Edgar Price, November 17th, Friday: That's what up.

I'm your rainmaker.

- You're a genius. - It's about time you said so.

I heard about Angelica. I'm sorry.

As much as I knew, she wasn't right for you.

- So do I smell a new female friend? - What makes you say that?

You don't return my calls.

- There's estrogen in the air. - Don't insult me.

Come on. Who is she?

- You wouldn't know her. - But would I despise her?

That's the question. On a scale of 9 to 10, is she a 9 or a 10?

Listen, I've got to run. Great news on the Edgar Price thing.

Go and launch it, OK?

Oh, that's really cool. Not.

What is it, Pokemon's dinghy?

All right. Let's do this. All boats in the water.

- Except for this kid's. - That's not a kid. That's a girl.

- Maybe I should forget about it. - Just ignore them, Abner.

Abner?

Abner?

Hang in there, Ab.

All boats in the water.

Let's do this.

Say your prayers, Abner.

Go, Abner.

Go, Abner.

Go, Abner.

Excuse me.

- Do you want to make a hundred bucks? - Sure.

Come on, Abner. Come on.

Hey, my boat's all

What's going on?

Straight. Straight.

Come on. You can do it.

I guess I'm winning.

- That little creep is cheating. - No, I'm not. My boat's just better.

Go, Abner.

I guess I won.

That was fun. Next time can we do it with cars?

- Sure. - No.

- 'Bye. - See you, Abner.

- Good night. - Good night.

You know, that was really nice, what you did today.

Thanks.

- But it's not going to help him. - What do you mean?

He's going to have a lot of obstacles

and he has to learn to deal with them.

Those kids were laughing at him. You ever been laughed at?

OK. Cheating's bad, I guess.

You're a father figure now.

Get out of here. The kid just met me.

When you don't know your dad, you're not picky.

Look at that, Nelson. That's life.

It's just happening around us all the time.

I think that's so beautiful.

Tell me your secret dream.

I'm not much on that kind of thing.

Oh, come on. Everybody's got one.

One they only tell after a couple of drinks. Tell me.

My father sold door-to-door:

vacuum cleaners, life insurance.

For a while he even sold plastic food.

We were kind of the joke of the neighborhood

and believe me, the neighborhood was a pretty grim joke itself.

- Where'd you grow up? - Right here.

I still own the house, but I never go there.

Anyway

every night after dinner, he would

shut himself in the TV room

and listen to 45s:

Bobby Darin, Perry Como, Tony Bennett.

For a year or so

I desperately wanted to be a singer.

You thought it would make him happy?

No.

I thought those guys

were everything he wasn't.

Successful, proud

in control.

I'd like to hear you sing.

That will never happen.

Come on. One day.

One day you'll sing for me, right?

What are we doing?

The movie starts in 10 minutes. Should we skip it?

I'll get you a cappuccino. I can find a cappuccino. Relax.

I hope that I can eat all of this.

Oh, my God.

Somebody went domestic on me. OK. Well, OK.

I get it. It all makes sense: mystery woman, unveiled.

What kind of Bohemian backwater is this?

Do they read poetry here?

Sara, Vince. Vince, Sara.

- Hey. - Very nice to meet you.

- I've got to go. - Was it something I said?

Vince, the movie.

Oh, that's my good friend...

What? You can't remember her name?

She doesn't care as long as I remember to pick up the check, right?

That's incredible.

I mean that is, I think, the most astute observation

of female behavior I've ever heard.

She's funny. You're funny. That's funny.

This is my very good friend Nelson, and his very good friend.

- Tell me. - Sara.

- Hi. Lexy. - Hi, nice to meet you.

Lexy, Sara. Sara, Lexy.

We should all go out sometime, and get drunk and nasty.

Quick order: one cappuccino to go.

Quick answer: no quick orders.

We love this place. We'll be back every day.

I've got to go and take care of Lexy. Remember the 17th: you, me and God.

Sara, very nice to meet you. It was an honor.

Very entertaining.

God! Wow.

We're going to be late, and it's your fault.

He's actually a good guy, deep down

somewhere.

Yeah.

I just mean the glibness

kind of wears you out after a while.

Do you trust him?

Like friends do, you know.

- Do you think he'll be there for you? - When?

Like a scary situation or something.

You may have noticed

I don't put myself in scary situations.

Hey, you know what? Why don't we go and see that house you grew up in?

Want to do that?

That's not too scary, is it?

It's just a house.

I tried so hard not to come back here.

Sorry.

Ouch.

Sara?

I know I don't know a lot of things, but I do know how to slow dance.

You're terrible.

Here, let me show you.

I looked up your web site the other night.

You sister's pretty: looks a lot like you.

But it's not my web site anymore. It's not my anything anymore.

Why'd you quit?

It started out small and then it got big.

That's generally considered a good thing in business.

Yeah well, everything got big:

egos, lives, desires.

I didn't like the big me.

I wasn't very happy.

Do you want to know the most amazing part of it all?

What?

I got out before it got really big.

Can you imagine that?

No, I can't imagine you with millions and millions of dollars.

Did you change the beans?

It's hazelnut. You don't like it?

Honestly? It tastes like camel piss. Let's stick to the classics.

Excuse me. Privacy! Heard of it?

Very impressive set of pecs you've got. Do you work out, then?

Me? I haven't got time.

Your pecs, on the other hand, darling, are edible.

Now don't forget, dinner's at 8.

It's dressy, because we're going to eat and we're going dancing.

We'll see if "Last of the Mohicans" here has rhythm.

Doesn't he know how to make his own coffee?

- Are you ready to go? - Yeah.

OK. Good, because I told Chaz Cherry we'd be on time.

We're calling everyone by first and last names now?

I don't want to see Chaz Cherry. I want to get naked with Sara Deever.

You look beautiful.

Thank you, Nelson Moss.

Come on. You won't be bored, I promise.

Chaz Cherry is a great cook.

- We're here. - Oh, hallelujah.

- And we're hungry. - Too late.

I sold your dinner to the homeless.

Nelson, look at you. I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

Nelson, you've met Chaz. This is Cherry.

Oh, watch the nails.

Thanks very much.

Wow.

Very Pink Flamingos.

Oh, my God! Sweetheart, he says I look like Divine.

Oh, that's awful.

- You could lose a few pounds. - Stop.

- You stop. - Bitch.

Brandy this is Nelson. Nelson, this is Brandy.

- Hi. - Oh, he is handsome.

Put it back in your pants. Grab a drink, Nelson.

Are you all right? You seem a little bit uncomfortable.

Come here. Let me loosen you up.

Just one top.

- Is it the music, maybe? - No, it's great.

Because we've got some Michael Bolton if you prefer.

Alabama.

Or is it the decor?

No, it's

You're in dresses.

This isn't a dress. This is a sequined sensation.

Cheers.

That's not a dress.

God, let's eat. Come on.

Starved.

I am hungry.

- There, do you want those? - Thanks very much.

God! They're absolutely beautiful. Brandy, take care of them.

Very nice.

A little loving From the oven

- Couscous for everyone. - Wow, did you make that?

Excuse me, what did you just say?

Making, buying, it's all a very thin line.

Oh, my God.

I don't believe it

Do you know what's a thin line? Your outfit.

It's a thin line between late Cher and early Howard Keel.

Eat up. Where we're going, you go before 10

you get a good place to dance, and boys get in free.

Bring your dancing shoes?

Can you dance shirtless? It happens there.

Are your nipples pierced? Do you have a "Mom" tattoo on your ass?

You're not exactly a Muscle Mary, but I think you'll cut it.

You're smearing it.

I'll see what lover-boy's doing. You can talk about me now.

We will

a lot.

Do you want an Advil?

How'd you know?

The couscous.

- I'll be right back. - Thanks.

Oh, God, I love this one. It's brilliant.

I mean, the tartan's for shit.

What's wrong with the tartan?

It's a Scottish thing.

I mean, from concept to execution, it's just sublime.

- There you go, sweetie. - Thank you.

Your home base for everything, from fast searches to shopping.

Get whatever you want

Just an ad.

Now, don't be modest. I know you won a Gold Pencil for this.

How do you know that?

Well, I've got a day job as well, you know.

What do you do?

I work in the dreaded world of advertising.

Oh, really?

Oh, really.

What firm?

Baker Bohanon.

Oh, my God, you're Chaz Watley!

Oh, look. Baby's famous.

Don't even go there.

You've been that Chaz Watley

all this time?

Did you get the Dr. Diggity account?

Oh, my God. Nelson, just let it go.

Cherry doesn't care about things like that.

Oh, really?

"Cherry doesn't care about things like that"?

I bet Chaz cares about things like that.

Or do you two not talk to each other?

I know Nelson cares about things like that.

She should've told me.

This is

This is awkward. If I'd known who you were, I wouldn't have

What? You would've worn a dress?

I don't think so.

You would've been especially nice to me?

- Yeah, something like that. - Thanks very much.

He's not here right now.

I said, he's not here right now.

Why are you calling here?

How long have you been doing this? How long have you been calling here?

I asked

I can't talk.

I can't talk right now.

I said, I can't talk to you right now.

Is everything OK?

Ten guesses who that was.

Shit.

- So how long has it been going on? - It's not what you think.

You've talked to her behind my back?

Do you really want to talk about this now?

No. I'm sorry.

Guys, I don't think I'm going to go dancing tonight. I feel so tired.

Come on, sweetheart.

What was that all about?

She gets migraines.

You know

terrible headaches.

No, the phone call.

Who was that?

Her sister.

It's a long story, and I am not going to tell it.

Hey. I'm sorry about what happened down there.

That's OK. It gives me a boost to know that you're not perfect.

Feeling better?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Chaz told me it was your sister on the phone.

Why does it upset you so much?

Remember talking about getting naked?

"Naked with Sara Deever." I think it's a good time for that.

Don't dodge me. Talk to me.

Come and get naked with me.

What happened?

That's not fair.

You expect me to be so honest

so forthcoming.

I do.

Because it's your month, Nelson.

Not mine.

Come on. You don't want to hear about stupid family stuff.

Don't be mad.

Please.

Please.

You're not feeling well, are you?

Maybe tomorrow we'll get naked.

And tonight

we'll wear PJs.

Every woman I know spends $200 on a haircut.

You use a vacuum cleaner.

Quit trying to change the subject.

You made a commitment, Nelson. Our time isn't over.

It's one meeting.

Why is going to some powwow with this slicko guy, Vince, such a big deal?

Because it's probably the chance of a lifetime. That's why.

If it's a whole lifetime, why not just postpone it for one more week?

Sara, when Edgar Price says he'll meet you

you don't say: "Wait, how about next month?"

You say, "Thank you. I'll be there."

He's one of the greats.

Where's my phone?

I hate it.

Nelson

Nelson

Damn it.

We can take anything and just sell it, make it work.

Exactly. I mean, we've done very well with Telecomputer.

Actually, I'm sure you're aware of

No, I wasn't.

We just won the Ad Age award for that spot.

I think that was last year's spot.

So we have a symbiosis, the two of us, as a team

We know a lot of guys who do this for the awards, Mr. Price.

- Not to say we don't get the awards - But still

we're not about the acclaim.

Handholding, dinners

- sending prostitutes to the client. - Prostitutes?

- Who sends prostitutes? - Who doesn't?

We're about the work.

If the work is great, it speaks for itself.

That's all I need to know.

But are you married? Any kids?

No. We've avoided the family thing for quite some time.

- Most of our lives. - Good.

Because if you're worried about quality of life or paternity leave

or any of that other New Age crap

as much as I like you, we can stop right here.

I want to be your full-time commitment.

I can do that.

- We still had two weeks to go. - What's two weeks?

You're kicking him out anyway. Good shot.

Thanks.

Do you know what? I should have locked him in there.

I should have tied him to the bed.

What, do you mean you didn't?

It wouldn't have stopped him.

You can't force people to do what they don't want to.

That's the whole point of this thing, isn't it?

Besides, I know guys like Nelson.

You may have bitten off more than you can chew this time.

That's what I like about him.

It's also what scares the hell out of me.

Just so you know, we've got a couple of great clients in our hip pockets

plus, some leads on some new accounts. So we come to you fully loaded.

You're not selling me a car, Holland.

Frankly, I'm not impressed with you, but your reputation precedes you

and if I have to take him to get you, I will.

So here's my offer.

It's good as long as we're at this table.

Oh, my!

I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

- That's OK. - Stop it.

You know, sweetie

we are what we do in this world, and you're a waitress.

All that requires is that you bring food and drink

to and from the table without making a mess.

That's it.

So when you screw up something as incredibly simple as that

it doesn't say a whole hell of a lot about you, does it?

I'm sorry.

If you gave a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

They ought to fire her.

I always say, a bad hire strengthens the competition's hand.

A good general feeds off his enemy.

Actually, Sun Tzu said that last line.

In The Art of War.

You're right, Nelson.

You're very smart.

Take a look, buddy.

Not interested.

You don't like my offer?

It's not the offer I don't like.

It's you.

Nelson, wait. Nelson

- You know what? This isn't - I hope you can afford this.

Shit.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What's wrong with you? You just shit in God's face.

If he's your god, you're in trouble. He's not for me.

He's not for you? He is you.

- You're cloned from the same DNA. - I'm not. If I am, shoot me.

Where's the gun? It's my career too.

You just blew it in there. What is going on, man?

I know what it is. It's the girl

the new mystery woman. What's her name?

Don't ignore me. What's her name?

- Sara. - Don't you see what's happening?

She has got your balls in a jar.

I'm your friend. I wouldn't lie.

- You blew it in there. - I'm sorry I cost you your job

I don't need your pity, Nelson. You blew it.

You're a loser, Nelson

a loser.

Fine. I don't need you, Nelson.

Have you ever heard of Phalaenopsis sanderiana?

It reminded me of you.

- You got the job, didn't you? - The best offer anyone ever made me.

So when do you start?

We had a little problem agreeing on that.

He suggested immediately.

I suggested

never.

- Never? - Never.

- Come on. Let's keep Ernie. - Nope.

I've found a home. He's got to go.

But you love this little monster.

Soon I'll love another little monster.

Cold, heartless woman!

What about vegan turkey stuffed with tofu and cranberries?

Ordering sounds better.

We're not ordering Thanksgiving dinner.

It's the one time in life it's good to be "trad."

In that case, are you inviting your family?

No.

Holiday fights are a little too traditional for my taste.

What do you fight about?

Everything:

religion, money, sex

Sara's decisions, Sara's unconventional ways

Sara's lifestyle

- They think I'm a freak. - You are a freak.

Anyway, boring subject.

I'm sure they miss you.

I know they do.

You know, there's a good tradition called "making up."

You could try it.

Yeah.

Someday I'll have to do that.

Mind walking him down?

Sure.

Thanks.

Come on, boy.

Say goodbye to Sara.

'Bye.

Hey. Come on, puppy.

- Thanks. - Yeah. Sure.

See you, Ernie.

Hey.

Why can't she keep one for a change?

I guess she helps more this way.

I've been thinking.

Oh yeah?

If you want to adopt me, you can.

I mean, Father Sunday is on Monday. It would be good timing.

I don't quite know what to say.

I'll tell you what.

I can't adopt you

but I'll come with you to Father Sunday.

- Promise? - Promise.

Wait till my mom hears!

Sara

I have an announcement to make.

What's wrong?

- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.

What do you keep in there?

- Nothing. - "Nothing" doesn't require a lock.

What's wrong?

So

- what's the big announcement? - Don't do the dodge.

Am I OK?

No, I'm not OK.

I miss Ernie

and I've got a migraine.

So

what's your big announcement?

Marry me.

What?

Will you marry me?

Sara, I stood on the street

and I realized

this is it.

Life will never be better

or sweeter than this.

I'm happy.

I'm in love.

Marry me.

That's incredibly sweet.

- But you don't understand. - Yes, I do. It all makes sense.

I want you.

I want this life.

Marry me.

Marry me, Sara.

- I can't. - Why not?

Because of me.

What about you?

For God's sake, Sara. Please, just

Just tell me what's wrong.

Tell me the truth.

I can't.

Sara?

Jesus.

I'm fine.

No, I'm fine.

- I'm fine. - What the hell is going on?

No, Nelson.

No, Nelson, no.

No.

Is this what you wanted to see?

This is it.

Is this enough truth for you?

Does this make you happy?

God damn you! You just couldn't leave it alone.

Sara, stop.

You just couldn't leave it. God, just leave it alone.

It's non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

It's a type of cancer.

You shouldn't have to find out like this. I'm sorry.

She's going to be asleep for hours.

Do you want to go for a walk, have a chat or something?

- Yeah. - Yeah, OK.

You said she stopped her treatments a year ago?

What about the pills?

It just gets her through the day. She stopped trying to beat it.

She did it all for a year. Nothing worked.

Look, I'm no doctor, but when you're unchecked, wouldn't that

Yeah.

It's spread everywhere.

How could she get involved with me and not tell me she was sick?

I mean, what was she thinking?

She was thinking you'd be the same as all the others.

She'd dump you after a month.

You've got to understand something.

She's completely powerless.

With these rules, you know

they give her the illusion and dignity of control.

It's kept her alive.

The rift with her family, that's what it's about?

These rules.

Yeah.

Her family couldn't handle it. They wouldn't let go.

They kept trying to run her disease

so she took off.

And came here?

She told me if she couldn't live a normal life

she was determined to live an abnormal one the best way she could.

I don't get it.

She loves life more than anyone I've ever met.

How can she just give up?

Are you listening to anything I'm telling you?

She's not giving up.

She's making the most of the time she's got left.

Don't mess with that.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want you to see any of this.

I wanted you

to know me loving life. You know?

Come here.

Will you do something for me?

Anything.

Will you get me out of here?

Take me home.

OK.

Jesus.

They're here.

Hey, darling.

Hey, sweetie.

You're sick? You look fabulous.

Oh, this is just a lie.

You look great.

- Want a nice, warm bath? - Come on, sweetie.

- We'll run you a bath. - What's on the menu tonight?

- We have lovely appetizers. - Nice codeine.

Codeine? What else? Donnatal, that's your favorite.

Come on, girl. Let's get you in here.

OK.

Nice and easy.

Sara, I know doctors I could call.

No doctors.

I'm going to be fine, Nelson but you can't be here.

I don't want you here. You can't see this.

Please go.

OK. He's going.

I can't stand by and do nothing, just watch her

Die?

That's why she wants you to go.

Go on.

Hey, Abner.

Today's not going to be a great play day.

I know. It's going to be Father Sunday.

Did you forget?

Oh God. I'm sorry, Ab. I can't.

But you promised.

I guess I don't have a dad.

I mean, I do, but I don't know who he is.

So I brought Nelson.

We do stuff and it's fun, because he makes me feel smart.

I guess I feel like

if I got into trouble, he'd take care of me

kind of like a best friend. Just bigger.

Thank you, Abner.

I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

I don't know. I probably won't be here tomorrow.

How come?

I've got to do some thinking, and make a tough decision.

Sara thinks you don't respect her choices? Something like that?

I don't know. You always see that stuff on TV.

I think you're the coolest kid I've ever met.

- I'll see you. - See you.

Take care.

Shit.

You all right?

- Yeah. I'm fine. - Good.

I was planning on serving the pumpkin on the floor, so this is

This is really good.

Oh God, Chaz.

Please tell me we're going to have fun.

Thanksgiving's fun, right? It's fun.

It'll be a riot.

Come here.

Give us a cuddle.

I need some fun.

You know, he asked me to marry him.

He's not the first.

No, but it was the first time I wanted to say yes.

So why didn't you?

Because, Chaz, I let the whole thing go too far.

Oh yeah? Too far for who?

Both of us.

Anyway

no need to talk about it. He's gone.

Well, you did kick him out. He'll be back if you let him.

I don't want him to come back.

Right.

You know, it's OK to break your own rules, Sara.

You fell in love.

That's great.

It may not follow your master plan, but you can't control everything.

OK. Just stop it.

I really don't need this right now, Chaz.

Jesus!

There's no rule that gives me the right to put him through all of this

this hell.

I don't.

- It'll just hurt him in the end. - It'll hurt, whatever you do.

We all will.

But

if I've learned anything

it's that you should have those who love you near

as long as you possibly can.

Yeah.

A toast! Toast.

Happy we-stole-your-land- and-killed-your-people day.

- Oh Al - That's a good one, Al.

Here's to you.

- Here you go, babe. - Here's to you.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, Sara.

I think it's Thanksgiving, isn't it?

Not for you.

You shouldn't have to wait.

Does anyone else have a sudden desire for Chinese food?

- Right on! - Yeah.

It's good to see you, Nelson.

Do you know how the Chinese celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving?

Ciao, Santa.

I thought you'd never get here.

Come on. Let's go.

For you, my sweet Sara

I bring you 12 gifts of Christmas.

1:

The famous Colombo log, the salami that started it all.

2:

a kaleidoscope of a coiffeur, for the barking-mad pet crusader.

Number 3:

a bullwhip for the dizzy dominatrix

so you can rule your world in style and whip me into shape.

4:

I present

Sara, a custom-made fragrance, capturing

that special something

a woman leaves on a man.

- Nelson, this is - Only the beginning.

5:

Why is Harriet so Hairy?

The definitive guide to understanding our transvestite friends.

6:

tiny bubbles, for those leisurely soaks we love so much.

Number 7:

a hundred muni train tokens

for the many, many

great rides of your life.

Number 8:

a collection of music to swoon by

which, by the way, happens to go very nicely with gift number 9:

dance classes

Mildred's Academy of Dance, guaranteed to get you off my toes

in a week.

- Are you sure? - I'm positive.

Number 10:

for the gentle lady who hates doing dishes

a dishwasher

Nelson, this is too much.

It's not enough.

Number 11:

live, and in your apartment, back by popular demand

I give you

Ernie!

Hi, baby.

I missed you.

And if this last gift doesn't prove how much I love you, nothing will.

Every month is November, Sara.

And I love you every day.

Nelson, there's

This is our month, and it never has to end.

I surrender all attempts to control life

yours or mine.

I live for one thing:

to love you

to make you happy

to live firmly and joyously in the moment.

November is all I know

and all I ever want to know.

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

Out.

This will give you time to get your stuff together.

So you can go.

Our month is over.

Sara, I'm not leaving.

Sara

Sara, stop

Sara, stop running. Sara

Sara, please.

I'm not leaving you.

- I know you love me. - I do.

I've never felt this.

I never thought I'd have the chance, and you gave that to me, Nelson.

- Then why are you doing this? - Because it's starting to happen.

I don't care.

Nelson, if you leave now, everything we had will be perfect forever.

Sara, life isn't perfect.

All we have is how you'll remember me

and I need that memory to be strong and beautiful.

Don't you see?

If I know that I'm remembered that way, then I can face anything

anything.

Nelson, you're my immortality.

I want to take care of you.

I'm going to be all right.

I'm going home.

They know I'm coming.

I need to do this.

It doesn't seem

Just like I need to know that you'll go on and have a beautiful life

the one you deserve.

I only want you.

You have me

forever.

Now let me go.

All right, Sara.

All right.

Close your eyes.

I love you, Nelson Moss.

I love you, Sara Deever.

Remember me.