Original subtitles

Douglas: So, let's see. You wanted to ease into the idea of moving in together,

and then you put this giant crystal on my dresser?

Oh, it's an amethyst. Ah.

I only have nickels and Skittles on my dresser,

so this is pretty cool. [ Chuckles ]

Why is Miggy here?

Because I have an open-door policy at my home. Yes.

And I have a policy where I don't let friends

lie on my bed, junk-side down, eating tube yogurt.

Poppy, I don't know about this move in, girl.

See? This is why

I wanted to take it slow, Douglas. [ Door closes ]

Moving in is a big deal.

And plus, there's kids involved.

So we need to make sure that we're ready,

and right now, we can't even handle an amethyst.

Well, honey, I-I mean, with all due respect, it's huge.

Yeah, it's big. Mm.

[ Both laugh ]

It's so quiet without the kids here.

Gosh, imagine ten years from now --

we're empty nesters, kids are away at college.

Amy and Emma are at West Point

and the naval academy, respectively.

I mean, sure, we miss the kids,

but also, we have this entire house to ourselves.

We can do whatever we want.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hi! Quick quesh --

Poppy, do you know where Ron is?

I'm kind of in labor.

Oh, my God! I blame this on the crystal.

[ Groans ]

-- Captions by VITA --

[ Blender whirs ]

All right, busy TV day. We should strategize.

The key is no bathroom breaks.

Sounds good. So, what are we bingeing?

"Gavel Town." It's incredible.

The pilot's bad.

Second episode is like a totally different show.

Three to five are treading water. Six sucks.

But the seventh episode has an amazing twist

that will make it all worth it.

A show that takes six hours to get good?

Yeah, I'll give it a chance.

And binge.

Now remember, the pilot's really bad.

You're gonna hate it. Great.

In my breathing workshop,

we practiced thanking the pain.

[ Screams ]

Thank you, contraction.

Ooh. Here you go. Uh...

This is just false labor.

I'm not due for another two weeks.

Okay, good. So let's --

Well, babies aren't always born on their due date.

I mean, Rory was a month early.

Yes, but Ron and I have a birth plan.

We developed it under the guidance

of our midwife, Tabitha Q.

She'll be hanging on the edge of the tub

when I give birth.

You're giving birth in a tub?

Yes. Water is very significant for me.

Okay, "The child

will be born listening to Stevie Wonder,

by the light of the moon and lavender-scented candles."

Say what you will -- my ex-husband can draw.

Aah! Uh --

Thank you, blinding pain!

Namaste!

I'm very scared of birth.

Has anyone seen my phone?

Ron's probably calling.

It's an Android.

Did I mention that I'm very scared of birth?

You know, let me move the mink throw.

Uh, okay, so,

Sharon is Ron's problem, all right?

Yeah. Not ours.

I'm gonna track him down

and tell him to come get his woman.

Okay, please don't leave me with her.

Okay.

So...

Do you need...

[ Door opens ] ...a pad?

Don't be mad. Just here for my hat.

Hey, Miggy! Welcome!

Yeah, be part of this!

Be part of what?

[ Screams ]

Oh, dip, she's having a baby.

Poppy: So, I left a message for Ron.

Sharon, let's get you to the hospital, okay?

I'm not going anywhere without Ron.

Oh, no, you don't want to wait to get to the hospital.

Trust me.

I learned the hard way.

It was the summer I discovered "Friends"

and had my barber give me The Rachel.

[ Video game chatter ] So I looked and felt amazing.

I was obsessed with my new favorite video game,

"Taxicab Honkers,"

where you take a hot lady to the airport during rush hour.

Zara: Miggy! Woman: I don't have PreCheck.

Miggy: I knew Zara was close to her due date,

and it sounded important. [ Pounding on door ]

This is important! My head said, "Pause!"

Woman: Drive! But my heart said, "Lay on the horn.

This hot lady's gonna miss her flight!" [ Horn honks ]

[ Tires screech ] I played for 10 more minutes,

and we didn't make it to the hospital.

Poppy: A gas station?

Zara: [ Grunting ] Miggy: Push!

Silver lining --

we get free unleaded for life!

Up to 30 bucks. [ Chuckles ]

[ Grunting ]

But that night ended up being a turning point.

I grew up.

I gave my video games and my beanbag to my frenemy, Dwayne.

[ Laughs ] Yeah. Thanks, homie.

I said goodbye to the kid I was...

and hello to the man I am.

Everything changed in that 76 Station.

I was in charge. A leader.

Staff agreed I was the best of all the dads.

Oh, how good could you have been? What other dads?

The gas station is next to the hospital.

Seven babies have been born there -- "The 76 Seven" --

bonded by a bathroom stall

and parents with poor time-management skills.

Thank you, Miggy. You're welcome.

I'm not going anywhere after hearing that.

Maybe if I say it again, but different.

Nah, you're done.

You know what we need?

We need to share a positive birth story.

Yes. Right?

One that we've heard many, many times.

Oh, God. [ Groans ] The worst part is how

he pretends he doesn't want to tell it.

You really want to hear it? [ Groans ]

I bet you guys are sick of hearing this story by now.

But I guess it's like my therapist always tells me --

stop being so paranoid, Will!

Maybe people just love you.

Yeah, can you just tell it quickly, please?

'Cause we have four more episodes

of "Gavel Town" until the big twist.

Ohh! Oh, most intense experience of my life.

I had goose bumps, yo! Ooh! It's so good! All right, guys,

I cannot do four more episodes, okay?

I really hate it.

You're supposed to hate it.

The twist doesn't work if you haven't suffered.

What? I can't like a twist?

Okay, can you just let him tell the story?

The story of Sophie's birth

begins as the Earth's story begins --

with light.

Sophie was born in the glow of the sunset.

* Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes *

* Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear *

* Five hundred twenty-five thousand * And I, Will Cooper,

* Six hundred minutes caught my baby

at the precise moment

of the most incredible chorus

in musical theater history. * How do you measure, measure a year? *

* How about

* Love? Loooove!

* How about

* Love? Love!

[ Sophie crying ]

* Measure in love

[ Sighs ] Mia,

meet your daughter.

[ Sophie coos ]

Hi, sweetie.

**

Sharon, the hospital is a place

of beauty and wonder.

Let us take you there.

Nah, I'll wait for Ron.

Ugh.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Is that my Android? Ohh!

Is it Ron? No.

Hey, guys, can you meet me by the wall for a group huddle?

Now.

I feel like we should've moved further away from her.

She's, like, right there.

[ Groaning ]

Ron finally texted Sharon back.

Turns out he's at the Foot Locker.

Ohh! [ Exhales sharply ]

Ohh...

Bring it in.

[ Whispering ] He's at the Foot Locker in Phoenix!

[ Gasps ] Oh. That's far.

Yeah. So, we have to be

my ex-husband's new wife's emotional support system

during the birth of their first child.

Are you with me?

Yeah, totally. I love births.

[ Chuckles ] These crackers contain

an outrageous amount of sodium.

Douglas!

[ Sharon exhales slowly ]

With you.

[ Screams ]

I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

[ Exhales sharply ]

It's fine, guys. I have a super-strong core.

I-I'll just hold the baby in.

Ahh...

Okay, now that Ron's not coming,

the only thing standing between

Sharon giving birth in a hospital

and Sharon giving birth on Douglas' couch is us!

Do you know how hard it is to get placenta off a leather?

Do you?

Okay, can we just scooch the huddle

away from Sharon? -Okay. Okay.

Thanks. I didn't want to say it back there,

but the father isn't necessary.

Do you know what I was doing while Rose

was giving birth to the twins?

**

You didn't even go in?! Your character, it's bad.

You were reading about boats? You're a doctor!

Oh, yeah, like you all are so perfect.

Angie burned her house down.

O-Okay, well it's different

with the first, though, right?

What about Xander?

It was different.

**

Your hair sounded amazing.

How was that different?

The boat magazine hired a new editor.

The whole layout had changed.

You know what? I'd like to move off this topic.

Ron's gonna call. I just know it.

Uh, has anybody seen my phone?

It's an Android.

We know it's an Android!

Oh. Hey. Sorry.

[ Exhales deeply ] Sorry, sorry.

Poppy's back. [ Chuckles ]

Okay, I can't keep it together.

Sharon needs to know that she married a goofazoid

who's great on the dance floor, but not in a crisis!

I'm gonna tell her. I'm going in.

No, no, no. Red light!

She's going through a lot right now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Have any of you had a baby with Ron?

He's useless!

Rory was born a month early,

and the only thing Ron cared about

was missing the series finale of "Lost."

And it only got more traumatic from there...

Rory didn't gain weight the first month,

so he stayed in the NICU.

I couldn't hold him.

All I could do was smile through the glass.

Hi. Look at him.

He already knows how to smize.

He is very cute.

Interesting name.

And that's when I saw it.

[ Suspenseful music plays, creature growls ]

Ron had one job -- turn in the name form.

And he made it all about that damn "Lost" finale.

For six months, my son's legal name was "Smoke Monster."

Sharon needs to know that Ron is not someone she can rely on.

Maybe then she'll let us take her to the hospital

before Douglas' floors are covered in afterbirth.

Okay, you had me at "afterbirth." Let's go.

Poppy: Sharon...

we know where Ron is.

The Foot Locker. In Phoenix.

I know.

I stole my Android back.

We've been texting.

This is all just --

it's so frickin'...

sweet! Wait, what?

Twist.

So, for the birth announcement, I wanted to put the baby

in a really big sneaker

and then underneath say, "Guess Shoes Here!"

Oh, that's good. That's very good.

I told Ron I needed the biggest sneaker possible.

And he was like, "You need a Shaquille O'Neal shoe."

And I was like, "That's impossible."

And then, this morning,

his cousin who works at the Foot Locker called

and said that Shaq came in over the weekend

and gave him a shoe for me!

And my man went to Arizona to get it.

[ Exhales sharply ]

And you...like that?

Oh, I love it.

He's a wildcard.

Exactly.

I-I mean, you don't want a wildcard

by your side in the hospital.

You'd be better off with us.

Rob tried to name Rory "Smoke Monster."

Is that a "Lost" reference?

Mm-hmm.

That's freaking awesome!

Ow. Ooh.

Well, Sharon's crazy, so new plan.

[ Groans ] This is kidnapping!

Breathe. You all make fun of my big-ass van,

but who's saving the day now? Angie!

I can't believe Ron's gonna miss the birth.

I can. He is not a responsible guy.

You can be responsible and still miss the birth of your child.

Even I was there for the birth. Yeah, same.

I was at a healthy distance, but I was there.

If you're not, you're a deadbeat.

Angie: Yeah. Um, I am not a deadbeat!

All right, look, I have a confession to make.

The story I told you all is a lie.

I missed Sophie's birth.

The actual story begins not with light...

but with rain. [ Thunder rumbles ]

Will: It was the storm of the century.

All of Redondo Beach was looking to me for guidance.

What could I do?

The people were scared.

They needed a weatherman, and I was he.

Once I issued the flood warning

and threw it over to Frankie D in Sports,

I-I rushed to the hospital.

But it was too late.

Meet your daughter, hero.

[ Sniffles ] [ Thunder rumbles ]

It wasn't easy,

but I knew it was the right thing to do. Yeah.

Um, the head is out. Oh, my God!

Oh! There's a baby!

I made eye contact with it.

It's being born! Aah!

Not in my van!

I eat in here!

[ Tires screech ] Whoa!

-Oof! -Ohh!

Dear lord.

Sharon: Ooh! Poppy: Wow.

[ Tires screech ]

-Ow! -Oh!

[ Exhales sharply ]

Oh, my God.

Miggy: My gas station.

Hello, old friend.

Daddy's home.

Okay, I got the stuff for Sharon's birth plan.

No lavender candles, but I did find lemon-scented bleach.

Cool. And it's not Stevie Wonder,

but I found a Michael Bolton CD on a random shelf somewhere.

Nice. The shelf is in my car.

It's mine. For make-outs. Okay.

Really, Douglas, a boating magazine?

Sorry, force of habit!

You guys seeing this? Miggy's right.

He's legitimately amazing here.

Have we called the ambulance? It's speed dial four!

Steve, we need the bathroom key

attached to the hub cap, not the fly swatter!

And beef jerky for the mother to bite on for pain!

Madge, is the cot set?

You da freaking best, Madge!

Noice! I love this team! All right, let's hustle!

Guys, I might be into Miggy.

Oh, hey, who's with Sharon?

Oh. Go, go, go, go!

Sharon: [ Groaning ]

[ Grunts ]

Can you believe those dummies charged me for the cup?

Bite that jerky!

Oh, God, what is my life?! Aah!

Okay, you want some scratchers?

[ Door closes ] A real authentic Hollywood Hat?

Or -- Ooh! A fake Oscar?

I'll take the Oscar.

I moved to LA to become an actress!

Take it away. Get -- Get -- [ Sobs ]

[ Grunts ] Hide it.

[ Exhales sharply ]

I can't believe I'm alone.

Hey. I get it.

This isn't how you pictured it, right?

I mean, it was a little different with me

because I always knew I was gonna be having my baby alone.

So I decided to give birth in a place

filled with other overweight, sweaty, lost souls...

Vegas, baby.

Angie: I was nine months pregnant, and I was on a hot streak.

[ People cheer ] * Lady luck is at my side

**

* This hot streak can't be denied *

[ People cheer ]

* She has put me at the top

Ehh!

* May this run never stop

Ah!

* Bringing wondrous riches on this crazy ride *

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, blue eyes.

I'm in labor.

Shh.

I'm legally required to call you an ambulance.

And I'm morally required

to roll another seven!

* With Lady Luck at my side

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ] * I'll never lose

I'm gonna go have this baby, but I'll be right back!

And suddenly, I was in this hospital room in a strange city

with no friends or family.

And [Scoffs] this didn't seem like such a good idea anymore.

Is the father here?

It's just me.

I was truly alone.

Not just in Vegas or the hospital.

But in life.

[ Screaming ]

Four, five.

[ Whimpers ] Come on, push, push, push, push.

But then, an amazing thing happened.

I realized I wasn't alone.

He had been there with me the whole time.

And then a true miracle occurred.

Dealer: Brought you something.

Ohh. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, his first toy.

I also thought you would want this.

Aww! My money!

Come to mama.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

Thank you...Graham.

Hey, baby, you wanna be Graham?

[ Graham coos ]

Eh, you'll get used to it.

That craps dealer was your guardian angel.

Let's not get carried away, okay?

He took a generous finder's fee.

But the point is...

sometimes you just gotta let your plan go

and let yourself be embraced by a random group of weirdos.

Let us be your weirdos, Cheryl.

Sharon.

Sharon.

Hand me my birth plan.

Yeah. Right here. Right here.

**

[ Grunts ] Yay!

Oh! Whoo! [ Screams ]

Hey, ETA on that, uh, ambulance, Madge?!

[ Groaning ]

Douglas. Is there a doctor in the house?!

Oh, God, you were, like, one second too late. Oh.

All right, Poppy, you want to help me

deliver this baby or what?

I do.

Sharon: Ooh. Ooh!

* Any minute now

* My ship is coming in

[ Baby coos ]

* I keep checking the horizon

Oh, my gosh.

[ Sophie coos ]

* And you say, "Be still, my love" *

* Open up your heart

* Let the light shine in

* Don't you understand?

* I already have a plan

Finally.

* I'm waiting for my real life to begin *

[ Baby coos ]

Three children, and this is my first actual birth. Aww.

I can't believe that we delivered a baby.

It -- It's crazy!

When we're together, we...

We just work.

Douglas, I don't need to take it slow.

I know I want to move in with you.

Really? Yes!

Aah! [ Both laugh ]

Is it crazy to say I think she looks like me?

Yeah, that's insane.

I kind of think she looks like me!

Ron! Ron!

[ Laughs ]

It's beautiful, baby! Oh! So is she!

Ohh!

Oh, my God. Hi, baby.

Mm, mm, mm, mm. Mm, mm.

It seems like we should go. No?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I think I have a name.

Ooh, I have a name, too.

Both: Shaquelyn.

Ohh! [ Laughs ] What?!

[ Ron and Sharon smooching ]

So, she's just, like, a female Ron, huh?

Uncanny. Ron: All right, Poppy,

I want you, please... Aww. [ Chuckles ]

...hold Shaquelyn. Oh.

Meet Rory's sister.

Congratulations, Ron. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Man, I can't believe I missed the birth.

[ Chuckles ] For a shoe.

How am I gonna explain this to little Shaquelyn?

You won't! You'll lie, and you'll lie again!

Guys, I have another confession to make --

the second story I told you is also a lie.

Of course it was. I missed Sophie's birth

for a reason I have kept hidden for nine years.

But I'm about to tell all of you

in an act of solidarity with Ron.

Oh, don't do this for me.

Sophie's birth story doesn't begin with light or rain.

It begins with a bagel.

Mia had been in labor for 15 hours,

and I was hungry, so I went to get some food.

And that's when I saw him...

Will: Regis Philbin. Can you hear me?

Getting a coffee like it was nothing.

That's when I realized he was on the phone with...

Gelman! Can you hear me?

I'm gonna move around till I get a signal.

He has a-a magnetic pull.

I-I couldn't help it, I just drifted toward him.

Gelman! I've only got one bar!

Gelman!

And so he moved.

Gelman. Gelman!

And he moved.

I got no service!

What the hell is wrong with this?

Until he gave up.

**

Hey, you.

You got a signal?

I'm trying to phone a friend.

He talked to me!

I ran to tell Mia.

Oh, my God, Mia, I met Regis Philbin,

and -- Uh-oh. You look mad.

You met Regis, I met our baby.

Big day for both of us.

Did -- Did anybody tape it?

After that, I vowed to never miss

another moment of Sophie's life ever again.

And I haven't, except for that pumpkin contest thing,

and that still kills me.

Thanks.

Your story is way stupider than mine.

Sharon: Mm-hmm. I feel better now.

All right, go ahead. Make fun of me.

That story was... humanizing.

It's Regis. Of course you follow.

Yeah. No wonder you're so crazy!

Come here, ya big screw-up!

[ Slaps back ]

[ Shaquelyn coos ] [ Chuckles ]

**

Oh, my God...

Do you think they'll keep it?

The baby? Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Can you believe Sharon and Ron rejected my present?

Just because I found it in an empty hospital room?

Ang, can we talk? I have feelings.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Watching your ex-husband have a new baby

must be difficult.

Well, no. It's -- It's not that. I'm happy for Ron.

It's just that when I was holding that baby,

I realized that I want one.

You want one, like, you want a baby one?

I thought you were done. I know. so did I.

I don't know, something happened, something changed.

I can't explain it, Ang,

but I think I want a baby... with Douglas.

Does Douglas want a baby?

I don't know. I --

Okay, shut up, he's coming.

Excuse us, Angie, but Poppy and I

are gonna go back to our home.

[ Chuckles ] I cannot wait

to get back to that empty nest fantasy

from this morning. Mm.

Just you and me and nothing else.

The dream.

Right. The dream.

**

Smoke Monster? Seriously, Ron? What is wrong with you?

I know it's an iconic moment in the series,

but this is the name of our son we're talking about!

A tiny human being

who's depending on us to make good decisions for him,

and you went and gave him a two-word name,

one of which is monster!

You're pregnant?

With twins?!

Ah, the Fogerty DNA.

You know my twin sisters, Donna and Lenore --

may they rest in peace...

Yeah, uh, Rose, Rose, calm down.

I will not calm down!

Of course you'll still look good in a thong.

This is LA -- they can do anything to your butt!

Oh, sorry. Excuse me.

All right, look, I gotta go.

I love you. I love you, too.

Oh, he's doing jazz hands!