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Ready!

One, two!

Go, fight, win!

Yell it, go, fight, win!

Go, fight, win!

Yell it, go, fight, win!

Yell it, go, fight, win!

All right everyone, gather around and

pick up this year's fundraiser magazines.

God, not this shit again.

Shhh, Coach Lisa will hear.

Missy Wallace, you will raise

more money than last year or you

will risk your Captaincy for the Fall.

What?!

That's so totally fucked, you can't do that!

Young lady, you will watch your language

and you will raise more money than last year.

Or I will replace you.

This team is not for freeloaders,

no matter how pretty or popular they think they are.

Push the wool sweaters, we have a

great markup on them this year.

Good day, sir.

What?

I said good day, sir!

Are you lost?

Oh no, we're cheerleaders from

the local high school, we're going door

to door to raise funds for our squad.

Raise money?

What?

You tell that son of a bitch Glazer

that I mailed in my real estate taxes.

This township is not getting another

cent out of my social security check!

Goddammit!

No, wait, sir...

Deviants!

You're all deviants, every last one of you!

No, sir, wait!

Grr, this is such a fucking bad idea, Katie!

We've only two sweatshirts and it's already

7 PM, these old gasbags are fucking cheap!

Actually it was a sweatshirt

and bikini briefs to that hairy guy.

Can we just get the fuck

out of here already?

Just one more house!

Come on Missy, someone's gotta buy something.

Besides, do you really want Amy

to show you up again?

All right!

Can we please just go?

Someone's coming.

Good afternoon, Ma'am!

Whoa, easy there, honey.

I'm old, not deaf.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that

so many of your neighbors seem

to have a difficult time hearing.

What's that you say?

I said your...

Honey, I'm joking with you, honeypie.

I'm well aware of the age of my neighbors.

In fact, Harold next door, he passed away

just a few months ago, but apparently old

Harry's house was sold to a young couple,

so we should be getting some fresh

blood into the neighborhood soon enough.

Congratu-fucking-lations.

You just wait until

you're old too, sweetie.

Yes, well our squad is desperately

in need of funds and we're going

door to door to raise money.

Well you don't say.

You know what, I was just

getting ready to sit down and have

a nice cup of tea and watch my

favorite television show.

Why don't you girls come on inside and we

can discuss what you have to offer me, hmmm?

- We'd love to. - No.

Well great.

Come on.

I thought you said your favorite show was coming on!

There's no need to scream,

I can hear you just fine.

And it is.

All I see is a shopping show.

Oh well yes, my favorite show is Suzi's Secret.

The hell is that?

In a modern world that judges

women based on their outer appearance,

that tells us lose weight or else you're not beautiful,

That says so you actually enjoy eating?

Well guess what, you're fat and ugly.

He's a show that says to you stop this insanity!

Are you not stick skinny?

Do you actually have hips?

Do you, gasp, dare to feel beautiful in spite of it all?

Then you've turned into where real women

know how to help you flaunt your fabulousness.

You've tuned into Suzi's Secret!

What the fucK?

Do you girls like quiche?

Sure.

Oh how wonderful, I'm just in time.

Welcome to the show, fellow fabulous females!

We have an incredible show in store for you tonight

featuring some super sexy and bootylicious

designs from one of my favorite

designers ever, Jessica.

And offered for a limited time only

to you, our fab female audience.

More like fat female audience!

Please, you're not even half that whale's size.

Any woman buying something like

that is wasting their money.

Not as big a waste as whatever your

daddy spent on those big puppies.

So what is it you girls have to offer me, hmm?

Everything we offer, all the funds

go to help our squad.

Oh so you say.

Excuse me, but where's your bathroom?

Oh, don't you wanna try the tea?

I have to piss.

Missy!

Oh that's all right.

I've heard much worse language in my time.

The little girl's room is down

the hall, first door to the left.

First door to the left.

Got it!

So like I was saying, we have a

great selection here and everything

we offer is made right here in

the good ol' US of A.

Require an additional fee, but our latest

delivery time is only two weeks and with...

Look at those legs.

Fucking twigs for calves.

Though the thighs have some meat to them.

Probably tasty with a little bit

of garlic and onion seasoning.

Oh she's probably thinking look at

the purple monster eater on the television.

See, she doesn't realize that I saw

her face when the show came on.

I know she's disgusted.

They're always disgusted.

These little twigs.

These disgusted, putrid, self-centered little twigs.

She thinks because I picked on

her friend that she's in the clear.

Well she's just a big a whore as the other.

So what if she doesn't get the most

popular boy, she's still sucking off

the popular boy's tag-a-long.

Ugh, how pathetic.

Now if her flesh is to taste good at all,

I'll have to cook out any venereal diseases

that she got from sucking off of...

Satisfaction.

Oh my.

You look a little flushed.

Oh no no, have some more tea.

Shit, Katie!

Come on come on, we gotta get the

fuck out of here, come on!

Come on, come on, we gotta get the fuck out of here!

Hello, girl.

No!

Why not?

Three strikes you're out.

At the old ball game.

Home sweet home.

This isn't home, Sal.

It is now, Deb.

No Sal, it's not, home is New York.

This place is Hell.

Worse, it's fucking worse than Hell,

it's Fishville, it's the goddamn suburbs,

this is so stupid.

Nice, real fucking nice.

Look, you know why we're here.

Please, you wanna talk about my shrink

again like some fucking guilt trip, Sal?

What is your fucking problem?!

You are my problem!

Why are we here?!

Well?!

What?

I need the keys, shitface!

Jesus Christ, you gotta be so fucking loud?

You'll wake the neighbors.

Shh.

Do you hear that?

I don't hear anything.

You don't hear that whirring?

She's probably just vacuuming.

Who vacuums in the middle of the night, Sal?

How the hell should I know, if you're so

interested, go over and ask her yourself.

The old coot's probably vacuuming.

I'm gonna go to the van, I'm gonna get

the boxes, take in the air mattress

and set them up, and I'm going to sleep.

They're probably just cleaning.

Old ladies love to clean, like my mother.

She used to clean all fucking day.

That's cause you and your brothers were slobs, Sal.

Maybe so, but I'll tell you what.

How much damage could we really do

seeing that she had half the furniture

fucking covered in plastic.

Besides, what do you care what they're up to?

Wouldn't you be more interested in

what your husband is up to?

No, not tonight, Sal.

I'm so tired, I'm stressed.

I don't know what to do tomorrow.

Sal!

Sal!

Sal!

Sal.

I'm still hungry.

Oh my goodness.

That is so good.

You know, I'm not exactly sure,

but I think their cheerleading

career just might be over.

Rah rah, sis boom bah.

Your turn, honeypie.

Shut up.

Pathetic.

How could any sort of man have

any kind of interest in your body?

I mean skinny little arms, boney legs, and...

Fake breasts.

No, please!

Help me!

Ooo, darling, I bet you can't even feel this.

Rah rah!

Sis boom bah!

My, my.

You're not so perky now, are you bitch?

Rise and shine, beautiful.

What, you not get enough sleep last night?

Dream, Sal.

Well it's probably from all the stress,

you can talk to your new doctor about it next week.

And don't forget the movers are

coming today around three o'clock.

I know Sal, just let me sleep.

Deb, I'm serious, if you're not

here when the movers come and they

pull the furniture off the truck,

they're just gonna put it in the middle...

Where the fuck am I gonna go Sal,

I don't know anybody here!

With the local VFW for bingo?

God, you're a fucking douchebag.

Nice, Deb.

Real nice.

Is that what you call behavioral modification?

How many times have you gone to

the mailbox expecting a card from a

loved one, or maybe a postcard from

a relative vacationing on a tropical island?

Instead, you're greeted by something far worse.

Not an unwanted bill.

But a swimsuit or lingerie catalog.

And you ladies know why I'm saying these

things are such a disappointment, don't you?

Real women, women like us can't

even look at these things!

Instead of featuring real women

with some meat on their bones,

airbrushed skeletons litter these magazines.

Ladies, today we fight back.

Men want skin?

Well honey, today's lingerie line

offers more skin than any of these

ugly emaciated models could ever offer!

And ladies, keep eating those cheeseburgers because

this lingerie line doesn't come with a size limit.

Ginny, looks like you hit the fucking lotto.

Yeah yeah.

Don't be calling for me.

Don't keep me waiting either.

I have things to attend to.

Oh absolutely, Princess Ginny.

Yo boss, we have a customer out here!

I'm busy, who is it?

Just come out and see for yourself,

what are you, a fucking invalid?

Can't answer a simple fucking question?!

Yo Ginny, babe, how you doing?

What are you so busy jacking off to in there,

you can't come outside and help an old friend, huh?

I was working.

Now had I know you were out here with this

well I wouldn't have hesitated.

So quit breaking my balls, huh?

But you have such tasty balls, Colin.

Ginny, you know I'm a happily married man now.

Oh right, and I'm an angel.

Don't worry, darling, I'm just buttering

you up for the sale, but you know,

I wouldn't really touch those with a cattle prod!

Always good to see you, Ginny.

What are you thinking, huh?

I was thinking 500 up front and

points on the back end.

Points on the back end?

What do you think this is, Paramount fucking Pictures?

Shut the fuck up, Verrill.

We got a deal?

Yeah, we got a deal.

Splendid.

Oh, and Colin, I'm gonna need a ride home.

Yeah yeah, sure, no problem.

Actually I can't spare Verrill

to drive you, so you'll have to drive yourself.

That's all right.

Verrill, grab a set of keys to

one of the clunkers there for Ginny.

You lazy old fuck, they're two feet away from you.

Who the fuck pays who, get the keys!

Why yes, your majesty, coming right up.

I'll go and get you some money.

Alrighty.

V, get that stripped down.

Do come again.

Those twats deserved to die.

Especially the snotty one.

They weren't innocent.

I was the innocent one.

I deserved better, but I never got it.

Little bitch was no different than

that whorebag Chloe.

All right Chloe, straighten

your leg back a little more.

Straighten back a little more.

Yeah, all right Chloe.

Give me that sexy face, now spank that little butt.

Harder, harder.

I'm just so turned on right now, I hope you two know that.

Perfect, perfect, now one more time,

one more time, oh got it, got it!

Aw yeah, all right ladies, that was simply gorgeous.

Let's take five.

So when do we shoot my cover?

Chloe, get in the dominatrix outfit

and bring out the cuffs.

Ginny, can I talk to you for a moment?

What's the deal?

Well I've been talking to Mikey and he's

been saying the magazine needs a new approach.

Guys just ain't jerking it to the

Betty Page look anymore.

Oh Jesus, Reg!

Oh no no no no, don't get me wrong, Ginny.

I've always loved your look.

But Mikey's saying that audiences

want something more like twig.

Something more like Chloe.

Wait, what are you saying?

Well Chloe's gonna be the never cover model next month.

Then the month after that and the month

after that and the month after that.

Well you get the picture.

What?!

So that's it?!

Just like that?!

I'm out?!

Not exactly.

If you know you're up for something more fun,

we might be able to arrange something.

Maybe even something for my private collection.

No, you pig!

Let's just, let's get this over with!

Do it harder, harder!

Now choke this bitch!

Aw yeah, choke the life out of her!

Nice, Ginny!

Give her a good showing!

Now hit her so hard!

Rip that hair, Chloe!

Rip that hair!

You know, a young woman such as

yourself should not be hitchhiking.

I know.

A really creepy guy just tried picking me up too.

Could you give me a ride?

Really, I'll go to whatever town you're headed.

All right, I suppose.

Get in.

Okay.

Thank you.

Where you coming from?

The heart of Georgia.

Georgia, oh my.

And where you going exactly?

Well I know this sounds silly,

but I'm looking to make it to New York City.

Aw, let me guess.

Actress.

I know, I told you it'd sound silly.

And I know I don't have the look,

I don't match what them Hollywood types would call beauty.

Now how would you define beauty?

Tall, skinny, I mean I don't mean

to say I'm ugly, and my mama always

used to tell me I was the prettiest

belle this side of the Jefferson rideaway,

but it comes to my thighs, you see.

I got my daddy's genes.

Big ol' lumberjack thighs.

Well now I don't think that that should

get in the way of your acting now, do you?

Goodness gracious no.

In fact, as soon as I get me some money

for my first break, I will shave off

a few pounds with some thigh reduction surgery.

I saw it done on a reality show once.

It looked painful for the first couple

of weeks, but I'll be darned if

that woman did not have the legs

of Charlize Theron when she was finished.

Really?

And you think that that will really

help you to become famous?

Of course not as much as my skill.

My talent should be the main thing,

you see, I've been acting since I

was a little girl putting on plays

in the family room.

I even landed the role of Blanche

in Street Car Named Desire for

my high school senior year performance.

Really?

You know, that Tennessee Williams play?

I do, I do, I know it well.

He was a boy.

Just a boy when I was a very young girl.

When I was 16, I made the discovery.

Love.

Love?

What do you know of love?

You and your pretty little vacant skull.

I bet if I sliced you open right now,

nothing would ooze out of your head

but naive notions of beauty and innocence.

I bet you fucked your

first love and he impregnated you.

Now you're running from it.

You're running from the fear of what life really is.

Shit, total complete shit.

You know, you go to New York City,

you go there and you get raped by

casting directors salivating over your body.

Be ogled by directors who lie to you

and tell you that you're a brilliant actress.

When really all they're envisioning is

how snug and warm your mouth is

for their throbbing cocks.

Fan boys and stalkers will beg for your autograph

hoping to be in your presence.

Not because they love you.

But because they wanna grope your breasts

and they dream of shoving their

pathetically lonely penises into

your great southern twat!

Oh my, oh my.

What was that, did we run over something?

I think so, I think it might be the tire.

We better pull over.

Do you see anything?

Not on this side.

We better check.

You see anything?

- I - don't see anything.

No?

Nothing?

Goddamn fucking car, you goddamn fucking bitch!

Blanche...

Was a whore.

Are you tired of shopping for bathing suits?

Finding only ugly one piece suits make you feel

like you've been stuffed into a tube of toothpaste?

Are you sick of walking down the beach

and having some insensitive asshole

call you a beached whale?

Just because of your shiny white one piece?

Ladies, I want you to take all those

bathing suits and burn them!

Better yet, sew them all together and

make yourself some nice out of them.

'Cause today, for the first time ever,

I am unveiling my very first Suzi's Secret bikini line.

It's time you were let in on...

Suzi's Secret!

The bikini was meant for everyone to feel free.

The bikini was not invented solely for

malnourished little girls to flaunt their flapjacks.

This is exactly what our supermodel is showing us today.

A beautiful woman modeling a beautiful display.

Now ordinarily, something like this would cost

you at least 50, maybe even $75 or more.

But today we're offering this to you

for the exclusive low Suzi's Secret

- price of only $33.99. - Are you still

watching this nonsense?

You too can have this

beautiful outfit for only 33.99.

I don't get it, what's so appealing about a

bunch of fat chicks wearing steer-sized undies?

Not underwear, Sal.

Bikini.

More like dental floss on gigundas like that.

Hey asshole, you're one to talk.

What's that supposed to mean?

Your show has changed my life

and I think that's amazing.

Women, you will find real, real women in

these paintings, luscious women,

women who look like they know how

to finish a steak dinner and you

know what I'm talking about, don't you?

Sal!

What, I'm brushing my teeth.

Hey, come over here.

What?

Look at that old lady's window.

Think something happened there today.

Mind your own business, Deb,

I'm sure it's nothing.

There's something really weird going on.

Debbie, Debbie honey, did you take your pills today?

Fuck off, Sal.

Debbie.

Yes Sal, I took my pills, okay?

If you're so worried about what's

going on, why don't you just call the cops?

Maybe we oughta do that.

Evening, Ginny.

Oh, evening officers.

Evening Ginny, may we come in?

Why certainly.

It's rather late for you officers

to be knocking on the doors of

lonely old ladies.

Well certainly this isn't what

the kids today call, oh now what is that,

a booty call?

I can assure you Ginny, it's purely business.

Oh well in that case I hope I can help.

Your neighbor filed a complaint about loud

noises coming from your house late last night.

And they also noticed an unfamiliar

vehicle parked in front of your house?

Oh?

You wouldn't happen to know anything

about that now would you?

Oh, well...

I do remember seeing a Honda Civic earlier today.

I mean I can't be sure.

Your neighbor also noticed that you parked

an older vehicle in front of your house today?

Oh well yes, as a matter of fact,

I mean it is still out there right now.

My friend Colin, my late brother's

best friend, he let me borrow a car

so I could run some errands this week.

Oh, I'm not registered on his insurance.

Is that illegal, oh my, I didn't just

incriminate myself, now did I?

I wouldn't worry about it too much, Ginny.

Just avoid getting into any accidents.

Oh me?

Oh no!

I don't go above 40 when I'm behind the wheel.

Hey, are you watching Suzi's Secret?

Oh why yes as a matter of fact.

It was just beginning when you

officers walked up to the door.

They play them back to back now.

Well thank you for your cooperation.

Oh well.

So I'm not under arrest?

Not tonight, maybe tomorrow.

Well in that case, I will have my

very best quiche waiting for you all.

Good evening, officers.

This Suzi's Secret must be a really good show.

It is, why?

Well Ginny said the rerun had just started.

A home shopping show that's worth watching twice?

Now that must be really good.

What a headache you must have.

Please!

Wah wah, I have heard it all before.

Me me me.

"Please, please don't hurt me."

"What are you gonna do with me?"

"Why me, why, why why?"

Why not?

I don't know what I did!

I'm sorry, please, oh God!

Oh honey.

Honey, I'm not, I'm not heartless.

I used to be a lot like you are.

I wanted to be an actress.

I used to go on all the casting calls.

God knows I have the arthritic knees

to prove all the begging I did

in the casting office.

But it got me nowhere.

Younger, prettier girls always got the roles.

Skinny young things that preferred salad over steak.

You know what?

Instead of asking me to let you go

and begging me not to kill you,

I have a question for you.

What is beauty?

What?

I don't know.

You don't know?

You don't know?

Why your response in the car

was that your thighs were too big!

That's right!

You said that your thighs were

your biggest hurdle to becoming famous!

Jesus!

No no no, I don't think so, I don't see

any Jesus down here, honeypie.

But I can perform miracles.

I can solve your problems!

This is what you wanted me to remove, isn't it?

Well isn't it?!

Aww, pretty as a picture.

I want you to look at this.

Damn it, I said look at it!

You see this right here, this yellow part, this is the fat.

The rest, why the rest is beef.

Succulent, delicious meat that

you can cook it, you can digest it.

Why, it holds life.

You see how little fat you had in your thighs?

So you see?

You weren't fat, darling.

And you weren't ugly.

You were just stupid.

You ready for your closeup?

You only get one take though, so energy energy!

Oh come on, honey, what would your mama say now?

You look just like Charlize Charono, whatever the hell

that girl's name is.

Oooh, bye bye.

Sal.

Fuck.

You getting up?

In a bit.

What are you eating?

You know that little old lady Ginny,

the one who lives next door, the one you

think worships Satan?

She made it?

Mmmhm.

Brought them over just a couple minutes ago.

The fuck is it?

I don't know, it's like buffalo chicken,

but a little spicer, maybe a little tougher.

You want it?

No.

Suit yourself.

Listen, I have to get to work.

Any big plans for today?

I think I'm gonna write.

Good.

Good.

Deb.

I love you, Deb.

I love you too, Sal.

Well howdy there, neighbor.

Hi, listen, thank you so much for these, okay?

I just wanted to return the plate for you,

I've gotta get to work, my wife's gonna be too busy.

What a dedicated hubby you are.

How did she like them?

She actually didn't have any, it was.

Oh.

You mean you ate them all yourself?

Yes ma'am, they were delicious.

Oh wow, thank you.

You know, you look a bit under the weather.

Are you sure you wouldn't like to come in for a moment?

No thank you, I don't want to be

late for work, but again, thank you so

much, you have yourself a great day.

You too, Sal, you too.

Hey V!

Hey V, I want you to pick up the car from the old lady.

V!

Chop chop!

Come on, I want you to pick up the car from the old lady.

You fucking drinking?

I had one fucking drink.

One fucking drink?

Look at the bottle, man!

What the fuck, why the fuck didn't

you call me, I'm your fucking sponsor!

Oh nice.

Oh you fucker.

I gotta go and collect the car myself,

look at me, I gotta go and collect

the fucking car myself now because of you, okay?

Get your fucking shit together!

I can't take you by the hand anymore, okay?!

Now get the fuck up and get showered

and you better be standing over the

engine of a fucking car when I

get back, now you hear me?!

Fucking cocksucker.

Fucking Virginia.

Ginny, you in there, it's Colin!

I've come for the car!

Ginny?!

You in there, Ginny?!

Fuck.

The search for Melissa Wallace

and Catherine McGovern continues on.

The two were last seen leaving

their high school cheerleading practice

riding in Wallace's gray Honda Civic,

a birthday present for the young Melissa.

The two cheerleaders were last seen on Friday.

The Wallace family has made several

public statements including offering up a

$50,000 reward for the safe return of their daughter.

Ginny!

Ginny!

I know you're in there honey, you okay?

Ginny?

Ginny, you okay?

Ginny!

Ginny!

Ginny, you okay sweetie?

Boo!

Jesus, Ginny, you scared the fucking shit out of me.

Oh I scared you, Colin?

I'm not getting any younger lady,

you could've given me a fucking heart attack.

Hey, you know I'm not the one

skulking around somebody else's house.

Well if you had brought back

the car you borrowed I wouldn't

be skulking anywhere, would I?

I was gonna bring it back,

but I wanted to get the window repaired first!

I'm sorry,.

Just get me the keys and I'll have

Verrill take care of it.

Sure, sure, just give me a second.

You look like you're cooking

here lady.

Done a fair bit of cooking in my time you know.

I like to get into the kitchen,

roll up the sleeves, make a nice bearnaise sauce.

Is that so?

Uh huh.

Have your keys right here.

Bring them over.

Looks like you fucking severed a pig here though.

Jesus!

Glad somebody called you,

she has a man in her house.

Right now.

Mrs. Lombardo, we need to talk to you inside.

Okay, yes, but she has a man

in there right now, please!

It's about your husband Salvatore.

What about Sal, Sal's at work.

I'm sorry, but he perished in a car accident.

What?!

Ma'am, I'm sorry, but your husband's dead.

He's at work.

My husband is at work!

Right?

My husband's at work, right?

He's at...

Is he at work?

to know anything.

He's at work!

No, he's at work!

Oh hello.

I'm so glad you're awake, Colin.

Oooh, you're frisky aren't you?

Hey Colin, I have a question for you.

You ever seen this show?

No, I figured you hadn't.

It is my favorite show though.

Not because I'm a shopaholic or

anything like that.

In actuality, I just admire what

this Suzi's trying to do.

Oooh, say, do you know how I know

why you don't like this show?

Because, move your butt over,

because you have a penis!

Aww, don't worry Colin baby,

I'm not gonna cut off your penis.

No, no that's something that you

might have to see in a movie.

No, you know I'm all about the

punishment that fits the crime.

Judging from what I know about you,

you are a man, just like any man,

concerned with yourself!

Concerned with your own pleasure!

You know I have a question for you, Colin.

When your penis still has life in it

and your wife gave you head,

did you, did you return the favor?

Did you at least finger her?

Aww, baby doll, you're gonna make

this hard for me aren't you?

Time to release the Colin.

Are you readY?

This little piggy went to market.

This little piggy stayed home.

This little piggy had roast beef.

Shit.

And this little piggy had none!

And this little piggy cried wah wah wah

wah wah all the fucking way home!

You still don't get it, do you, Colin?

After all this, you still don't get it.

You men, all men have failed us.

You've had centuries and millennium

to fix the Hell that you brought onto Earth.

What have you done, all you have

done is to constantly explore new

ways to exploit women.

You fuck with our minds just so

you can fuck with our bodies!

And then, then when we're old,

when we're your age, Colin,

well then what happens?

After we have primped and shaved

every fucking crevice of our body,

after we have developed a newborn

neurosis, after a newborn neurosis,

and anxiously worried about whether

this body part is too fat or this

body part is too thin, what then Colin?!

You toss us to the side like a used Kleenex

that you just jerked off into!

Fuck that and fuck you, Colin!

Ladies, I am here today to talk

to you about one of the most difficult,

delicate subjects for plus size women that there is.

Underwear.

That's right, while most women can

just sift through a catalog or

stroll down to the nearest store or mall

or department store, wherever the hell they go,

what are we left to do, huh?

Why are we always stuck having to wear

those massive parachute panties, tell me that.

Why do I have to choose from actually

finishing everything on my plate and

feeling sexy and desirable in my lingerie?

I mean come on!

They tell you this pizza's delicious,

and you order up another pie.

Answer me this, why?

As I, a modern woman, tell me,

maybe I wanna finish my three dollar steak.

And who knows, maybe I wanna eat

my mashed potatoes and my string beans

and fuck, maybe I wanna follow it

down with a crème brulee or who

the fuck knows what else.

Why at the end of the night is

my date stuck having to pull granny

panties off of this luscious ass?

You tell me that.

Ladies, it's time that you were

let in on Suzi's Secret!

Cut it all off.

Give me something that's easy to maintain,

like Linda Gray or Joan Crawford.

But mom, I told you I wanted

to grow my hair like Brooke Shields.

No!

Linda Gray.

Mom's the boss.

Mommy, no, please!

Cut her!

Sorry.

Have to.

Nooo!

I told you to stop crying.

I just wanted my hair like...

'Cause you wanted to look like Brooke Shields, right?

Right?

Because you thought it would make daddy come home.

Well you're wrong, he's not coming home.

Not now, not ever!

Do you understand that?

Keep it going, Debbie!

We need these rosebushes installed by nightfall!

And I don't care if it takes all day, little lady!

Come on, young lady, dig!

Dig, damn you, dig!

I'm digging!

Not with your hands, is that how I

raised you, to behave like a little piglet?!

So from the unhappiness of two, this evil has sprung.

A curse on the man and woman alike.

Is happiness enough?

Where is it today?

I ask you, Deb.

Where is it today?

Ginny?

What?

Hello?

No.

No!

No, I'm not gonna die!

No!

No!

Please, I'm not gonna die!

No!

Please!

Could you imagine a world without evil?

No.

Fuck.

Shit.

Colin!

Colin, I'm sorry!

Colin!

Verrill, gone to collect the car at Ginny's.

One more strike, we're done.

Back by four and we'll go to a meeting.

Colin, it's Verrill, call me back.

Catherine, is Colin there?

He's not answering his cell phone.

Shit.

Nothing, I'll call you back.

I'd like to report a missing person.

How are you doing on this gorgeous afternoon?

Jehova's Witness?

Yes, we're better known as that,

but personally I prefer the term restorationist.

I see.

My name's Melanie and I may call you Mrs...

It's Miss, and you may call me Ginny.

Why it's wonderful to meet you, Ginny.

Oh cut the crap, sweetie.

If you wanna talk God, come on in

and have a seat on the couch.

I'm an old lady.

Standing here at the door is beginning to hurt my hip.

Come on.

My favorite show.

It's coming on in just a bit,

and well I always like to nibble

on something while I'm watching television.

Now don't you?

Yes, I know what you mean Miss Ginny,

but honestly I'm really not hungry.

Unless of course you mean a hunger for salvation.

What are you?

Too good for my tea and crackers?

You think yourself better than me

just because you found God?

No no.

Well, I guess some tea and crackers couldn't possibly hurt.

Well good.

Then drink up.

Oh.

To the glory of Christ.

Have you ever imagined

a world without evil?

How?

See, this is what I'm talking about, Miss Ginny.

Think of it, a world without wrong,

without corruption, without hate.

A world filled with love.

Nothing but God's everlasting embrace.

I will be farting sunshine and pissing rainbows.

Have you not looked out there?

A world without evil.

The world is shit, Miss Melanie.

And it is shit because there is

no good and there is no evil.

Things just are.

I share your frustration, believe me I do,

but as the scriptures tell us,

there was a time when the world had no evil.

Did you hear something?

Think I heard something.

Must be squirrels.

But honestly, all I'm really hearing

is your lost soul spiraling into

the darkness, Miss Ginny.

But it's never too late.

Never too late for what?

Why salvation, Miss Ginny, salvation!

But only you can make it happen, Ginny.

As the scriptures tell us, Abraham...

I used to have a pair of tits like that once.

Perky, supple.

Except mine were bigger.

At least like fucking cantaloupes.

I also had a full body.

Not skinny and in need of a hot meal

like she desperately does.

And at least I had a brain!

How dare she call me a lost soul!

Lost soul, feh!

Does she feel the love of God?

Is that why she's so thin?

Does she think that God, if He exists,

somehow loves her more than others?

Simply because she was born with

an eating disorder and a small frame?

Thousands of years ago this little

bitch would've fallen victim to

Darwinian as surely back then men

would have wanted a stronger,

more robust woman with tits that

could sufficiently feed their offspring!

I guess even in the 21st century Darwin still applies.

Ready, ladies?

Today is our Suzi's Secret Sunday Special.

Here at Suzi's Secret, we are all about

empowering real women with real waistlines!

For the past few months we have

busted down the barriers that try

to restrict our inner beauty.

We've offered bras and panties

and outerwear and day wear all

at rock bottom prices!

Today is something very very special.

Today, we don't just take back our bodies.

Today, we don't just take back our beauty.

Today, we take back the bedroom!

Get ready, ladies.

Get ready.

It's time you were let in on Suzi's Secret!

But not just any secret.

Behold, as our Suzi's Secret plus size beauty

shows us the first outfit to come

tonight as I unleash my brand new

Suzi's Secret dominatrix line!

Please!

For fuck's sake.

I have heard it all before.

Oh look at you.

Cry like the little lamb that your

nonexistent God expects from you.

Let me go!

God will forgive you!

I will forgive you, please!

I don't need your forgiveness.

Are you a virgin, Melanie?

Please stop.

Please, please stop, please!

Hey, I asked you a question!

I said are you a virgin, Melanie?

Yes.

Oh I figured.

I figured a young, stupid Christian girl

like you, you've probably never

even seen a big throbbing cock.

Never mind had it forcefully shoved

up your hallowed twat.

Oh my.

I'll bet that you were even saving yourself for God.

I'll bet that you even masturbate

to Him when your parents aren't home

and then you pray to Him for forgiveness.

Oh God, oh God, yes, oh yes!

Oh God, oh God, no no!

Do you want to stay a virgin, Melanie?

'Cause you know what?

You know, do you want to, do you want

to resist sin, Melanie?

'Cause you know what, I could help you resist sin.

We just need to remove your clitoris.

No, please just let me go!

Are you ready, honeypie?

Please help me, oh please.

My God, that is good.

You want some?

No?

More for me.

Virginal is the best.

It is chewy like...

Oh, top grade clams.

Now let's see to that clitoris.

No, no, no, no no no no!

Quit your fucking bitching or

I'll just rip off your entire vagina!

No!

Okay, it needs a little tenderizing.

Don't you go anywhere.

Oh God please.

Please help me!

You fucking freak!

Fucking bitch!

Fuck!

God bless you.

- Please untie me, please! - Shh, shut the fuck up.

Shhh.

Grrr!

Fucking bitch!

We want to be the ones...

Smack your.

Goddamn cunt!

My eyes!

Fuck your eyes!

My eyes!

My eyes!

Stop, police!

Drop the weapon!

Drop the weapon!

No longer do we allow our

insecurities, our low self-esteem,

our anxieties to prevent us from

having real fun in the bedroom.

Men and women are not from different species.

They have the same needs, wants, and carnal desires.

The only obstacle to humanity is humanity.

Ladies, I'm here to tell you we have met the enemy.

And she is lust.

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