Original subtitles

My husband's got four championship rings,

but I'm his chocolate trophy.

So, I've been trying to start my event-planning company,

Platinum Opulence Soirees & Soul Food Trademark LLC Inc.,

but DeMarcus' injury is cock-blocking my dream.

Well, as you can see here, your ACL is torn.

Will I need surgery?

Well, the short answer is yes, but the long --

Hold up! Surgery?

Nah, sis.

I need him out on that court,

so I can be about my business for real for real,

which means -- we need a new diagnosis, stat!

A'ight, you can chill, Doc McStiffens.

Girl, you are a mess on camera.

I didn't know I was gonna be on camera.

A producer just showed up and was just like,

"Sign this release form."

You shouldn't have signed it, 'cause you are terrible.

I-I do have another appointment coming up, so --

Oh, can you throw this away from me?

Hazel, you know where the trash is.Thanks, babe.

We on some Steph and Ayesha shit. Okurrt?

How do I have five Joes in my phone

and not one is a damn plumber?

You're fixing my toilet.

Yes, I'm getting my guest-bathroom toilet fixed.

Gary has a guy he usually uses

and I texted him this morning for his phone number,

but he hasn't gotten back to me,

which is weird because Gary always responds to my texts.

Maybe he hasn't gotten them yet.

He's got his read receipts on.

He's seen them. He's just being a dick.

You did just serve him with divorce papers.

Of course he's gonna be a dick. He's hurt.

Excuse me, I am paying $400 an hour for an attorney.

I'm in pain, too, okay?

We have a problem.

Yeah, Gary's not responding to my text messages.

No, Haze has a problem.

I have a problem? Yes.

Honey, I reviewed your prenup,

and the penthouse, the Chateau in Avignon,

the $100,000 a month in spousal support

was all contingent upon you having a child.

That can't be right. L-Let me -- Let me see that.

I mean, are you sure your attorney never mentioned this?

This is kind of a big deal.

No, I would have remembered this.

It's a huge red flag

that she didn't make that clear to you.

What does that mean? She gets nothing?

I could probably negotiate interim spousal support

for about $3,000 a month.

Oh, my God, I'm poor.

I can't live in this dump forever.

No offense, Bree. I'm sorry.

Offense definitely taken.

Look, Haze, honey, we can fight this, okay?

But until I can track down

the attorney who represented you,

it's gonna take some time before those checks come in.

Excuse me?

It's -- She --

She got to get them checks.

Hold that thought. Just don't go anywhere.

Who needs all these bracelets? Hold on.

This is a lot --This is beautiful.

Hey, David.

My beautiful things...Yeah.

I can't understand you.

David. David. David, slow down.

What about Megan?

Okay, well, send me the video.

David, I-I know that you are out of town.

I will handle it. Okay, bye.

What is this?

We got another crisis.

What?

Aw, come on.

Some reporter got in touch with David,

and there's a video of Megan at boarding school,

and apparently, it's pretty compromising.

See? Look at little Megan.

Isn't she so cute?

The perfect combination of b--

Oh.

Look at little Megan.

Ohh.

Isn't it --

Oh, my God, you guys, my baby!

She -- She --

She made a sex tape!

Look, I think you might be overreacting a little bit.

Bree, she is 15,

and she's i-- she's in a threesome.

I mean, my God, what am I supposed to say --

"Go ahead, girl! Get it, girl, get" --

It's really not that bad.

That would have been a slow night for me at her age,

and -- and look at me now.

Oh, my God. I got to get my child.

Whoo! Yo, you murked that shit.

Thank you, Josh.No, thank you.

This is so surreal for me, yo.

Like...I grew up on your shit.

I even had my first kiss in eighth grade to "Love Slave."

Oh.

I really want to work with you,

which is why I'm here to officially offer you a deal

with Superba Records.

Oh, that's incredible.

Yeah. Hell, yeah. One little caveat, though.

So, the way the industry's going these days,

we're barely signing any new R&B artists,

especially, no offense, ones your age.

So my thought was to have you transition

to something a little bit more...um, wholesome.

Wholesome?

Yeah, I really think you could be

the next great star in the Gospel space.

Gospel. Ooh.

Gospel is where R&B singers go to die,

and I'm alive as hell.

I-I hear that. I feel you.

Uh, it's just that I think you'll find the Christian charts

a little bit more hospitable.

Hospitable.

This meeting is over.

Hazel --

Um, All right. Well, if you change your mind,

just holla at ya boy --I won't.

Thanks for stopping by.

No doubt, no doubt.

Um, is it cool if we get a photo for my Moms?

Josh.

All right. I feel you.

Another time, yeah? Okay.

Wow.

Hazel, you -- you just can't pull stunts like this.

Did you hear how he was talking to me?

I have four Grammys.

Put some respect on my name.

Talking about I'm too old for R&B.

Screw that.

On to the next.

Yeah, but there's no "next," Hazel.

Josh was the only exec would return any of my calls.

That was our only meeting.

Ugh.

Derek.

Derek.

Hey, Gary. I don't know if you've gotten my text messages.

Actually, I do know you've gotten my text messages,

and I don't even know what kind of game you're trying to play right now,

[ Door opens ]but you need to call me back.

Oh, hey, girl. How'd your meetings go?

They didn't.

Derek got to them already.

I don't know how I'm gonna make money.

Well

you do have one option.

I can't have him killed, Bree.

I'm broke.

You know how expensive hit men are.

No...I don't.

And I'm low-key terrified that you do.

Look, all I meant was, if you need some money,

all you got to do is sell some of your stuff.

Bree, that is like me asking you to sell your kids.

No...it's not.

At all, actually.

This is a Marina Rinaldi. It's a $1,700 dress.

Yes, and you've only wore this dress one time,

so you might as well sell it.

Look, Hazel, listen to me, okay?

Just think about it. It's a win-win.

You sell some of your stuff, youget to make some money,

and Iget to have some space in my living room.

Yeah, but I can't have a garage sale like you, Bree.

I mean, I'm a celebrity.

Where would I even sell all my stuff?

We'll do an auction.

But we'll make it a revenge party

for all the women whose dirty-dog husbands

stepped out on them,

all the women who got left

for some big-booty Instagram thot

who ain't even old enough to buy her own drink.

Which reminds me, Mystique by Marcelle

has to be your classy-brown-liquor sponsor.

Shout-out to me.

You'll do a sexy photo shoot to build buzz on social media,

and we'll capture the whole thing on my show

"Married to the Game."

Oh. Oh, no.

We won't be filming it.

It's embarrassing.

No.

It's...

What's that word Iyanla always uses?

"Sad"? No.

It's "empowering."

Yeah, I don't know.

Um, reality TV is -- is -- It's just not for me.

Girl.

In the past month, you've been in the news

for cracking your husband's grill piece with a phone

and shoplifting from a high-end boutique.

You already a reality show.

I mean, this at least gives you the chance

to control the narrative.

Hazel, it's not a bad idea.

And it's kind of the only one we have.

Clearly you need the money.

How long you gonna slum it up like this?

Okay, this is my home.

It has been traumatic,

moving from a Park Avenue penthouse to...

this.

"This" is a brownstone in Fort Greene.

My Zestimate on Zillow is almost $2 million.

Girl, we got to get you back to your real life.

Girl, I know.

So, what do you say?

Fine, I'll do it.

But this auction needs to be tasteful.

Of course.

No drink throwing, no table flipping,

no love triangles involving a stripper who wants a better life.

Girl, I got you. Okay?

Those things actually happen?

All the time.

This is cute.

Why, Megan?

I need you to tell me

why my bright, beautiful, underage daughter

is caught on camera high as a damn kite on drugs

while two little nasty boys take advantage of her?

Mom, I wasn't high on drugs, and I wasn't --

Stop! Did I tell you to talk?Kind of.

Girl, you need to shut your greasy

Kardashian lipstick-slathered mouth.

Baby, what were you thinking?

Okay, can I talk now?

Yes. Please. Talk. I'm listening.

God, first of all, it wasn't drugs

like crack or something.

It was -- It was a vape pen, Mom,

with CBD oil, which is legal.

And second, Wolfe and Sparrow are my boyfriends.

We are in a three-way polyamorous relationship.

But actually, Wolfe is thinking about

whether he's gender nonconforming,

so "boyfriends" isn't actually completely accurate --No, no, no.

Please stop talking again.

Please.

Megan, we did not raise you like this,

and you know better than to be caught on camera.

Oh, so, there it is.

You just don't want me to ruin Dad's campaign.

Okay, first of all, smarty-pants --

since you know every damn thing --

I already talked to the reporter,

and he agreed to kill the story.

So it ain't about the campaign, it's about your future.

See, the Bush kids, they can do some shit like this.

The Palin kids,

they can definitely do some shit like this,

but the world does not work like that for black women, honey.

So you're telling me to live my life

based on some societally imposed double standard, Mom?

I am telling you the reality.

The other reality is teenage pregnancy.

I'm not worried about getting pregnant.

Well, you need to be.

Out here having drug-fueled threeways with Fox and Arrow.

Their names are Wolfe and Sparrow!

Okay -- God, you're such a socially imprisoned prude.

Oh, you know this ain't over!

Wait! Oh, my God!

Yes.

Moonman.

This is so dope.

That was for my "Double Dare" video,

Hype Williams directed. Ooh.

I was -- I was so nervous

when I got up there that I was shaking.

But it was one of the best moments of my life.

Aww.

You know what? Can you repeat that?

There was an airplane overhead,

so the mic didn't pick it up.

Ugh! Girl, girl, girl.

This stuff is exactly what we need

for "Married to the Game."

Reality shows run on emotion --

and drama.

Hazel.

Oh, and look like the drama just arrived.

So, what do you want me to do here?

Um, I need you to scare her into never having sex again.

You know, as a doctor.

As an orthopedic surgeon?

Right.

Just follow my lead.

Hi, Auntie Bree. Hi, Megan. Oh, my God!

You are so cute and grown.

Not as grown as she been acting.

Auntie Doctor Bree has some medical questions for you.

I do?About her behavior.

I do. I, um...

Sit down, girl.

Okay.

Um...

Are you smoking marijuana?

Every day.

I mean, that's a lot. But I get it.

I mean, times are tough, right, in this political climate?

So...

Um...

Uh, are you sexually active?

Hell, yeah. I gets it in.

Daily.

Oh, help me, Jesus.

Well, you should be using protection

if that's the case, right?

I mean, can't I just use the morning-after pill?

No, girl, actually you cannot.

It's not readily available like we think it is.

There's a Plexiglass and a lock and so many keys.

They can never find the key -- Bree!

Mom, don't slut-shame Auntie Bree.

Look, my guy friends think you're a total MILF,

and now that Uncle Gary's out of the picture,

you can, like, fully own your sexuality.

What?!

My milkshake brings the boys to the barn?

Can we get back to the topic?

Wait, actually, no, speaking of Uncle Gary,

I saw that he's off of IG.

'Cause whenever somebody deletes their Instagram,

it's usually a cry for help. I don't know what to do.

He's not answering any of my text messages,

and how am I supposed to DM him if he doesn't have an account?

That is not the issue!

The issue is that you're gonna ruin everything,

and you're gonna get super gonorrhea.

Right, Bree?

Oh, my God, are we done here?

Can I -- I mean, I don't need this.

I'm gonna go back to school

where people actually respect and care about me.

I care about you more than anyone.

No, you don't. You just care about that video

and what it's gonna do to the campaign.

That is n--

Actually, you know what?

How 'bout I just release the video myself?

Whew, I'm so glad my babies are young,

and I don't have to deal with that.

That is so not helpful.

Maybe you should smoke some of her marijuana.

I'm just saying, you need to chill out.

But this is good coffee.

Maybe you're drinking too much coffee.

I don't know, girl.

Now that you got these damn cameras out of my face,

cut the bullshit.

I want Stella's ring back.

You ain't getting it back, nigga.

It's mine, and I can do whatever I want with it,

including sell it.

How was I supposed to make money, Derek,

after you had me blacklisted with all the labels?!

You think I had you blacklisted?

I don't need to do that.

Okay? You are the problem.

Everybody knows you have an incredible voice.

But your problem is you stopped writing

and telling your story a long time ago.

Like your little girlfriend writes her own songs.

Oh, you just say whatever you want about Stella,

but she's an artist who knows exactly who she is.

Now, when's the last time you could say that?

Yeah.

You good?

Okay, so I'm thinking we start with the Louboutins.

I know -- they're a little 2012,

but this crowd still loves a red bottom.

Yeah, about that. Uh, I've been thinking.

Let's not start with anything.

I want to call this auction off.

Girl, it's too late for all that.

Cameras are rolling.

There's a packed house full of people

waiting to buy a piece of Hazel.

Yeah, to gawk at how far I've fallen.

This is an episode of my show, Hazel.

This is my work.

Then you go out there.

I am not doing this.

God, it's been two days.

I've left three voicemails, eight text messages...

...and he hasn't gotten back to me at all.

It's just not like him.

Oh, I'm sorry your husband

isn't getting back to you.

Mine just showed up and stripped me

of the last few shreds of dignity I had left.

Yeah, but this is unusual behavior for Gary.

Derek is an asshole. We all know that.

He just came here to throw you off, girl.

Forget about him.

You forget about Gary.

See? Not that easy.

Hazel, Gary is the father of my children.

I have to be able to contact him in case there's an emergency.

I mean, what if something happens to me?

Or the kids?

Or...to Gary?

Do you think something happened to Gary?

What if something happened to Gary?

Just check his location.

I can do that? Yeah.

On my phone?

Is that in an app or -- or in general settings?

Is it in the cloud?

Oh, my God, are you a grandma?

Give me this.

Here. Oh.

He's out.

Looks like Gary's having a good time.

Ooh, let me see.

Bree!

Don't.

Fine.

Hello, hello, ladies!

And welcome to Hazel Rachelle's revenge auction.

Hey!

Now, Hazel couldn't be here because of personal reasons,

but the good news is now you get 100% Marcelle.

Um, let's get started with this hot little number.

I bet you Hazel had a good time in this.

That is my "Love Slave" outfit.

That's iconic.

Should we start the bidding at $500?

Anybody?

That's a piece of history!

People need to know.

Oh, screw it.

Oh! Hazel Rachelle, ladies!

Oh, phew.

I think I got it from here.

Sorry I'm late.

Um, my piece of shit soon-to-be ex-husband showed up

and tried to sabotage my night.

He had the audacity to tell me

that no one cares about what I have to say.

Speak on it, girl!

Welove you, Hazel!

I love you more.

Well, let me tell you,

I have plenty to say.

Starting with this ensemble right here.

Ladies, you know how it is when you first fall in love

and you're blind to everything else but that dick?

You don't notice the little things like...

he has a lady ass

or -- or how he just can't seem to stop putting on chap stick --

so much chap stick.

And the weird noises that he makes during sex,

like -- like a trapped mouse.

Eeh, eeh, eeh --

Just, um, give us one second, ladies.

I'll be right back.

What?

Listen, I know you didn't want to spill

all your tea on camera earlier,

and I'm not trying to take advantage of you

now that you've had a glass or two.

If we need drama in this episode,

I can just slap the new girl Trina.

She needs a story line.

Honestly, I might just slap her anyway,

'cause the bitch been working my last nerve.

Marcelle, I-I want to do this,

and I want to do it on camera.

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Okay.

So, ladies.

Tell me, what did you let slide

because you were dickmatized?

He was still married.

He could barely read.

He had a tattoo of his mom --

on his ass.

He voted for Trump!

I am sorry that you all have been treated so badly,

but not all men --

Listen, get the hell outta here with that bullshit.

Nobody's buying it today, okay?

I mean out...of...here.

Get to stepping.

Bye.

I had enough of men.

Anybody else had enough of men?

Anyway...

When I first fell in love with my ex,

I was so into him.

I was his love slave.

That's how I wrote my first number-one song,

and I sang it on my sold-out tour, wearing this ensemble.

$2,000.

Great!

Um...

Can -- Do I hear $2,500?

$2,500. $3,000.

$3,500. -$4,000.

$4,500.

I know you think I only care about the campaign

or our reputation as a family.

But the truth is I don't want to see you get trapped.

Mom, I'm not --Just -- Just --

Look, just listen for a minute.

And then I'll leave.

My worst fear is that you'll make a decision

that you'll regret.

Whether it's getting infamous

for a video that people misinterpret

or pregnant and stuck with a guy that's not right for you --

or guys, or gender-fluid humans.

The point is...

...you are a strong, brilliant,

fiercely opinionated woman,

and I want you to have the world.

So just...

think about you first.

Always.

Okay?

We're not having sex.

What? I mean, you told Bree that --

I just wanted to freak you out.

We all talked about it, and we're not ready.

Wait, so what do the three of you do?

We hang out, we cook together, we listen to music.

Oh, so you're...friends.

No, I mean, we -- we make out and stuff.

But, yeah, we're just like any other relationship

with people who love and respect each other as equals.

Okay, girl.

I used to think I was woke, but listening to you,

I realize I'm still 'sleep.

Oh, my God, Mom.

Nobody says "woke" anymore.

Oh, okay. Noted.

And I meant what I said earlier --

the world is harder on black girls, baby.

And that doesn't mean I want you to make yourself smaller.

And, like, even though I think releasing this video

is a huge mistake, if it's what you need to --

Look, I'm not gonna release that video.

It's terrible lighting, and it's my worst angle.

Oh, well, that's reasonable.

But thank you for pretending to give me the choice.

Do you want to stay for dinner

and meet my partners?

I'd love that.

Oh, sorry.

What am I doing?

It's so stupid.

Oh!

Oh...okay.

Oh, no!

Of course, thank you.

If you ever want to join my show, we'd love to have you.

Oh. And my executive producer agrees.

Shaunie!

Oh, my God. Shaunie O'Neal.

Hello!

I-I usually don't' say this, but I'm such a big fan.

Thank you so much.

You totally won your divorce.

Any advice?

Well, you clearly won this round.

Just remember,

"Don't get mad, get everything."

"Everything."

Everything.Yes.

Mrs. Montgomery, would you prefer

the prosciutto or the soppressata?

I will have the soppressata, please.

Thank you so much. It

It looks delicious. Mm.

Very good.

We'll get started on the dessert course.

Do they always cook for you?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, they cook, and I clean.

We're a very equal partnership.

I love that.

Hey. Khalil.

So, how'd it go?

I realized something tonight.

People still care about me.

Of course they do.

I just wish the idiots

at the record label could see that.

Screw them.

I'm gonna invest the money I just raised

into making my own album.

Hell, yeah! We don't need the labels.

We're gonna release it ourselves.

Well, you already know I'm down.

You're goddamn Hazel Rachelle, all right?

Let's do this shit.

Yeah, let's do this shit.