Original subtitles

♪♪

[honking]

Oh, we're all gonna be making a few stops today.

-If that's okay. -Okay, but that'll be really expensive, just so you know.

Oh, that doesn't matter at all. The church is taking care of all of it.

-Yes. Have you heard of the Light Source? -The Light Source.

I haven't, no. You guys are-- you're a religious affiliation?

-We are an affiliation-- -Absolutely.

--that is neither political or financial.

-Okay. -Very spiritual.

-What's your name? -It's Mazee.

-Mazee. -Mazee.

-What are your names? -My name is Jeremy.

-And my name is Jeremy. Yeah. -Really?

-That's so funny. -This is my first day.

Well, why don't you guys practice on me?

-That sounds fantastic. -Jeremy, I'd love that.

-I would love that. -I would enjoy that even more.

-Okay. -Alright. Thank you for this opportunity, Mazee.

Bing-bong.

Sorry, I'm in a wheelchair, I can't come to the door.

-She is good. -She is good.

Bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong.

Not interested.

Bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong.

Get off my property or I'm calling the cops.

I'll try the door.

Nope. Nope. That is a locked door.

-Uh-oh, this window looks ajar. -Shall we?

-[imitates the sound of the window opening] -What the hell?

[both] Hello.

Give me two good reasons

not to shoot you in the face right now.

-Number one. -Number two.

-Hi, I'm Jeremy. -And I'm Jeremy.

And we're here to tell you about the Light Source.

♪ The light is the source Of the Light Source ♪

♪ The light is the source Of the Light Source ♪

♪♪

[passenger] I cannot wait for tonight.

Yeah, so where-- where are you headed?

Oh, I'm headed to the forum.

Oh you're-- you're a wrestler?

What gave it away?

Maybe you've heard of me. My name is Nicky Nitro.

I'm one of the greatest wrestlers of the '90s, '80s and to date.

Oh, yeah? You have a lot of championships under your belt or...?

No, no-- no championships. No-- no championship.

That's okay, that's fine. No shame in not having a championship.

That's what I say. It's about the kids

and just having good matches. That's what I'm known for.

Good matches, well, fortunately, I usually end up

laying on my back for about three seconds.

Oh, well, you know that happens.

That's-- because it's also staged.

If you weren't driving I'd put you in a headlock right now,

-show you how staged it is. -No.

I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers.

I've lost every match that I've been in

and every match has been one hundred percent real.

Every broken bone, every concussion,

every concussion, also every broken bone,

and then also every concussion was real.

Well, yeah, okay, I see where you're coming from.

It seems like you're beating yourself up over that.

What I'm trying to say is, like, that's not your fault, you know.

-Sure the refs were in on it. -The refs?

-Yeah. -They are the standard bearers

of the wrestling community.

Now sure, every now and then,

they aren't in the right position or they get knocked over

or something gets poured in their eyes,

but they can't be held accountable for that.

I'm just saying, you know, after a certain amount of times

did you notice that maybe, perhaps, they happen to be looking the wrong way?

-Mm-Hm. -It's always right when someone's sneaking up on you?

That's just a coincidence. I got bad luck.

-Yeah-- -I know that. I know that about me.

-I got bad luck. -Gosh. I just-- I--

I feel like you're blaming yourself for a lot of this.

-You seem like a really good guy. -Thank you.

So do you have a catchphrase or anything like that?

Do I have a catchphrase?

Aw, not in the face!

-That-- that's your catchphrase? -That was me.

Aw, not in the face!

I said it a lot, they would really often go for my face.

Yeah.

♪♪

[man] The world fell, humanity adapted.

We learned to depend on ourselves for survival.

But people still need driving apps no matter what.

[passenger] I gotta ask you a question.

Sometimes when I get one of these Drive Shares,

I'm looking at the app and I see the cars that are parked,

-it's like driving in circles or something. -Very common complaint.

Usually, that's because I'm being chased.

Ah, of course.

Look at me, now I'm an idiot. I forgot about that.

Someone's trying to cut off my legs and have sex with them.

So I'm fleeing for my life. I'm sorry if I'm a little bit late picking you up.

I didn't mean you, the general Drive Share people.

-Some chrome? -No, thank you.

It's a disgusting habit I know but, you know,

I did this when I was a kid. It's some kind of, like--

I don't wanna say addicted 'cause that's a strong word.

-Sure, sure. -I just kind of enjoy it.

I've tried the gold stuff.

I don't like the gold stuff.

The silver really is special. And I mean let's face it,

I say it doesn't look cool but it does.

It looks cool, very cool.

Ah, ha, ha, ha.

Do you have any water?

-[both laugh] -That's a good one.

That's a good one.

What I wouldn't do for just one sip. Just one sip.

Hey, are you going to the water drop this week?

No. There's a water drop this week?

You gotta go. It's so much fun.

It's the first and third Sunday of every month.

Do we know that that's water for a fact?

-That's real water? -It's definitely water.

-There's no chance that's-- -You heard the piss thing?

-Yeah. This is not pee, right? -It's not piss.

-I'm not gonna drink human pee. -It's an urban myth.

You know what I'm sick of? This Humongous guy.

Why don't we get rid of him? No one ever talks about that.

You ask me six months ago, "Will Humongous still be in power?"

-I'd say, "no way." -No way.

He's crazy. He says crazy racist stuff all the time.

He's doing something right, though. He just figured out that you could milk women,

and that would cause a sort of a baby explosion. People got excited about that.

Why didn't I think of that? Of course, you can milk women.

Of course, you can.

♪♪

-[laughs] Okay, just go-- -[driver] How did it go?

-Okay. Yeah. -Yeah, we can just go out of this neighborhood.

-How did it go? -Sometimes it takes a turn.

The lady in particular seemed to think

that we are offering something a little more than guidance.

She didn't like a robe, so she took that off.

Whoa. Was she wearing anything underneath it?

I think we've said too much already,

but let's just say that the husband

wanted to watch us convert her--

-Which I was into. -But we don't allow women.

-Mm-hm. -Jeremy, I have to say I thought

I could have gotten our message across.

I noticed that you were very eager to convert.

♪♪

I mean there has to be a couple of times that

at least made you may be suspicious that it was staged?

I mean I'm not that really suspicious type of a person.

There's been a couple of coincidences that I-- I really can't answer to.

Now there was this one time, I was about to win the match.

I had my opponent down for the count like he was down.

I was ready to do my patented elbow drop, the Nitro drop,

and then he pulled out this little miniature clock,

I think they called it a watch, then he kind of just started

swinging it in front of my face back and forth.

The next thing I know, I'm in France

with a wife and two kids in a pretty decent winery.

You got hypnotized into being a French winemaker?

A pretty good one. It lasted for about a good five years.

They were a great family. But I had to get back to wrestling.

-You came back? -Man, when wrestling is in your heart is in your heart.

-I guess so. -I miss you Genevieve.

♪♪

[driver] Where do you work these days?

Oh, I'm a slave at the refinery.

-Oh. -I do a seventy-two-hour shift,

take a thirty-minute break,

do seventy-two more hours.

Then I take about a three-hour break.

Then seventy-two more hours and the weekend of course.

That sounds like a pretty cushy setup.

But I love my boss.

He's a lovely man.

Whenever we bleed out of the ears or mouth,

he gives us a five-to-ten-minute break.

He's real mensch.

Before my wife Dalese was taken into slavery by Lord Humongous,

-I had one night with her. -Ah.

Was it magical?

Happened to ask, "Dalese,

may I please have a lock of your hair

in case anything ever happens to you?"

Every day I smell it.

[laughs]

My wife was bold

and I am a eunuch.

So the closest we can ever come to intercourse

was me rubbing my front piece

against her hairy legs.

-Your what? -My front piece,

my penis was cut off.

-No, I know what a eunuch is. -Yes.

So I rub my front piece, my nub piece

and we would do that for a while.

Just like a, like a bare nub

rubbing against her legs?

It's like a bump of a wound

that has been closed.

♪♪

-[driver] You all right? -Yeah, I'm pretty tired, bro.

Just slammed this audition though. It was great.

-Oh, great. That's great. -Yeah.

I'm like a really big fan of great film,

you know, and it's really hard to go to an audition--

-Uh-huh. -Of great film.

-Yeah. -You know what I mean?

What's the film about?

So it's like a mystery thriller,

kind of, it's a-- basically I play a mortician--

-Okay. -Right?

-And I'm in the funeral home. -Uh-huh.

So I'm like, you know, morticianing, morticianing.

-Yeah. -I'm, like, "scoopling" a guy.

-Scalpel? "Scalpelling"? -Yes.

Then there's a zombie outbreak

and about 17 zombies break into my funeral home.

Did you, like, have to be scared or?

-Yeah, I had to be scared at first. -Mm-Hm.

And then I had to fuck them.

The--

So like I was scared at first.

Wait, who-- sorry, in the movie you--

So I fucked like 17 zombies,

well minus two, two of them are just kind of standing there.

-But-- -Wait--

-The zombies fuck you? -Yeah.

-So-- -Like as a group? As a gang?

Because instead of headshot, they headshot the zombies,

like in all the other zombie franchises.

Well, this one, the way that you cure the zombism

is with your pussy. So, they come in

and then you, essentially, just have to have sex with them.

[laughs] So, did you audition for pornography or is it like--

What do you mean? What do you mean?

-I mean-- -Have you seen the movie "The Room"?

-The weird one? Yeah. -Yeah. It's-- it's like that.

-Oh. -Would you call "The Room" pornography?

-No. -Would you call "Leaving Las Vegas" pornography?

-No, but in neither-- -Would you call "Ice Age: Collision Course" pornography?

None of those have 17 people or zombies

having sex with one woman at once.

-That sounds like porno. -What do you mean it sounds like porno?

-It sounds like they shot your audition-- -What do you mean?

Well, you know, have you ever seen a porn where it's like,

"Oh the audition" and then the girl takes off her clothes

and everybody fucks her and then she signs a release.

-No. -They put it on the internet.

No. This is acting.

I mean we're in 2016, bro. I mean,

you gotta be edgy, you got to get on that come up,

you got to get on that new-new,

you gotta fuck 17 zombies or else

no one's gonna respect you in this town.

-Right. -Especially as an Asian female,

like, I don't get-- what am I gonna be?

Like a lab technician on CSI?

-No, I'm fucking zombies tonight. -Right.

As the lead.

I'm just gonna make my mark, you know.

I mean, one day, you never know,

you're gonna be walking down Hollywood Boulevard,

you're gonna see a star with my name

and everyone's gonna be fucking it.

You know what I mean?

The star?

Yeah, I'll put a little hole in it or something.

♪♪

[man] God, it is such a beautiful night.

That's nice. Yeah, it's nice out.

[laughs] What?

It was too spicy?

Okay, the salsa at Verdes is never that spicy.

That's what I'm saying.

[laughs] Okay.

Are you talking to me?

Ah, oh, no, Cynthia and I were just kind of--

I don't know if you've been to Verdes but I think they changed the salsa.

It's like so spicy and she and I are real heat chasers but--

Okay, are you on the phone, like a new tiny Bluetooth?

No, no. We were just wrapping up a nice evening.

Who? What?

Me and my girlfriend.

Hey, yeah, I guess we're going by that now.

Okay. Cool.

You're here and so is your girlfriend inside the car.

Right?

[whispers] Stop right now.

Stop it.

[laughing] Stop it.

-Keep going. -Hey, you guys, both of you,

don't do that in my car, alright?

That's not something you do in another person's car.

-Okay. -Okay?

-Okay. You stop. Sorry. -Mm-Hm. Yeah.

Oh, God. I never thought I did a vet tech, right?

Uh...

[laughs] Well, I'm saying.

What, it's not an insult. I'm not insulting you.

Come here, stop it. Stop. Come here. Come here.

The past three weeks have been some of the craziest weeks in my life.

I want to start a life together, I don't know what square one is.

But I know it's where I want to be.

I love you.

Come here, come here, come here.

No! Stop it!

Hey, look! Oh, look, we're pulling up to where you--

This is your stop. This is your stop right here.

[man panting and laughing]

Alright, here's your stop. There you go.

Actually this is her stop.

I'm the next one.

Okay. Well...

-it's a-- it's a stop. -Text me when you get upstairs.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh. Drive, drive, drive, drive,

drive, drive, drive, drive. Oh, my God.

I do not want to be seen with her.

♪♪

-Shit. -What's wrong?

I forgot my keys.

I'm always doing this. I'm in a race to get out.

I have to get my locker so I can get my handcuffs

-so I can handcuff myself. -Do we have to go back?

If you wouldn't mind I'd love to do a quick spin back there,

just grab it. You're on the clock, so--

Just drove 400 miles straight into the desert.

I got to go all the way back?

It's not my thing. I don't have the handcuffs

-I can't handcuff myself-- -Okay, fine.

-This is gonna be surge. -You can't determine if it's surge.

-Doing surge right now. -You can't determine.

-It's determined by the company. -Surging.

You see that's-- I didn't agree to that.

So I can file a complaint.

I will send it by the crow

if I see a crow.

♪♪

Like your match tonight, for instance, you know who you're up against?

Oh, I'm going against one of my favorite opponents,

the Masked Man. You may have heard of him.

Oh, yeah, a very famous wrestler that guy.

Would you mind dropping me off at this alley further up.

The Masked Man said he wanted to meet with me.

We're gonna have a little pre-match rendezvous.

We're gonna get together, have some horchata. I love horchata.

-I don't know, do you like horchata? -I do.

You think the Masked Man asked you to meet him in an alley

so you could drink horchata before the match?

Yeah, it's a delicious spiced milk drink.

But it seems like you're being setup for an ambush.

-[laughs] -Maybe I'm being paranoid,

but has it ever happened to you that you've scheduled

a pre-wrestling match horchata with the Masked Man,

then when you got to the alley, instead of drinking horchata

-you got beaten up or ambushed? -Several times actually.

One time I went to meet up with him,

he stuffed me in a casket and shipped me to Mexico.

I mean that was actually a great Day of the Dead Festival,

so I had a great time but it was scary.

In the last time he's like, "Let's meet at the aquarium."

I'm like, "Okay, that sounds strange but who cares."

The next thing I know he's got me locked in a shark tank.

I had to swim for my life

and I've never been a great swimmer. I was that day.

I think you're gonna get your butt handed to you in this alley, pal.

I don't think so. We're gonna relax, kind of catch up on old times.

-Alright. -[laughing] Oh, my friend.

Thank you so much, man. I cannot wait for tonight.

-Good luck tonight, man. -Thank you. I don't need luck.

I got skill. You just watch tonight, alright?

Masked Man, good to see you.

Oh, you gonna pull out a chair for me?

-[hits] -Aw, not in the face! Not in the face!

Ah.

♪♪

Maybe you should call your representation after this and tell them what happened.

I call my represent-- my representation is the Phonz. I met him at Best Buy.

-Like Happy Days Fonz? -No, with the PH.

He's one of those dudes with, like, 85 cellphones

and he is awesome.

I did another one. My manager hooked me up with this other one.

It was-- it was straight to stream.

It was kind of like-- you ever seen "Independence Day"?

-Yes. -So, you know, how the aliens will come--

-In the big ships. -Right.

I'm the Secretary of Defense, right?

-In America, and Bill Pullman is still the President actually. -Oh, wow.

Yeah. It was really dope working with him.

-That's great. -And then the aliens come,

seventeen of them burst through and I fuck them all.

Bill Pullman's not there. He's kind of videotaping against--

there's like a little hole in the wall

and he's videotaping it in the hole.

Wait, was this at a studio or at Bill Pullman's house?

It was at Bill Pullman's house. He has this dope house in Calabasas.

-It was kind of a low budge but-- -Yeah.

But Bill Pullman, I've been a fan of him since "A League of Their Own."

-He's a great actor. -Have you shot anything for your manager

that doesn't involve you fucking?

Yeah, I did this commercial for chestnuts.

-Oh. -That was my first interaction with a donkey

because I did not know they were that big. I mean--

Yeah. How was there a donkey?

It's a smaller miniature pony that would come in.

No, I know what a donkey is.

-I don't think-- -I got paid a hefty sum.

It was like five hundred

pesos for that one.

-I think that's five dollars. -Yeah. I mean,

"when in Rome," is what they say.

But--

♪♪

-[passenger] Oh, go, go, go. -[driver] Oh, my God.

We went in to share the word.

-Everything was going well. -What happened?

You guys, what happened?

-Bing-bong. -Okay. Bing-bong.

"Hell, go away." Bing-bong.

Bing-bong. "Okay, come in".

"We want to talk to you--"

And so we started our spiel.

We said, "Sir, we would like to share

[both] the word of the Light Source."

[cries]

He's like, "Sure, I will pray with you. Come down to my basement."

You guys went down to the basement?

There was a huge dog.

There were multiple dogs.

So hungry.

We were mauled. I think it was more than just dogs.

It was him, too.

I smelled a raccoon in there.

I don't care what you say, I smelled a raccoon.

Oh, my God, you guys.

He made me do things that people only do

when they're married.

[crying] He put a bottle inside of me.

At one point, he said feel the eyeballs.

And I think it was just peeled grapes

but it felt like eyeballs!

-[cries] -He took my toenails off one by one.

He whitened my teeth.

And I just did it ten days ago.

You're not supposed to do it that often.

He took the skin off my penis

and made me wear it as a hat.

I had caffeine.

I wrestled with Jon Stewart

who hit me over the head with a dictionary.

-Jon Stewart? -Dr. Phil kicked my ass.

Did you know he loved wrestling, 'cause he does.

Martha Stewart kicked my ass once,

but she is tough. She went to jail before.

So you-- I saw that coming.

It sounds like your wrestling persona

is routinely kicked in the face.

I mean not just kick, punches, elbows, knees,

and one time perfume, a giant bug sprayer,

tennis racket, typewriter, a briefcase,

I don't know what was in it, bricks probably.