All language subtitles for Drive.Share.S01E06_English

♪♪

[honking]

Oh, we're all gonna be making
a few stops today.

-If that's okay.
-Okay, but that'll be really
expensive, just so you know.

Oh, that doesn't matter at all.
The church is taking care
of all of it.

-Yes. Have you heard
of the Light Source?
-The Light Source.

I haven't, no. You guys are--
you're a religious affiliation?

-We are an affiliation--
-Absolutely.

--that is neither political
or financial.

-Okay.
-Very spiritual.

-What's your name?
-It's Mazee.

-Mazee.
-Mazee.

-What are your names?
-My name is Jeremy.

-And my name is Jeremy. Yeah.
-Really?

-That's so funny.
-This is my first day.

Well, why don't you guys
practice on me?

-That sounds fantastic.
-Jeremy, I'd love that.

-I would love that.
-I would enjoy that even more.

-Okay.
-Alright. Thank you
for this opportunity, Mazee.

Bing-bong.

Sorry, I'm in a wheelchair,
I can't come to the door.

-She is good.
-She is good.

Bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong.

Not interested.

Bing-bong, bing-bong,
bing-bong, bing-bong.

Get off my property
or I'm calling the cops.

I'll try the door.

Nope. Nope.
That is a locked door.

-Uh-oh, this window looks ajar.
-Shall we?

-[imitates the sound
of the window opening]
-What the hell?

[both] Hello.

Give me two good reasons

not to shoot you
in the face right now.

-Number one.
-Number two.

-Hi, I'm Jeremy.
-And I'm Jeremy.

And we're here to tell you
about the Light Source.

♪ The light is the source
Of the Light Source ♪

♪ The light is the source
Of the Light Source ♪

♪♪

[passenger]
I cannot wait for tonight.

Yeah, so where--
where are you headed?

Oh, I'm headed to the forum.

Oh you're-- you're a wrestler?

What gave it away?

Maybe you've heard of me.
My name is Nicky Nitro.

I'm one
of the greatest wrestlers
of the '90s, '80s and to date.

Oh, yeah?
You have a lot of championships
under your belt or...?

No, no-- no championships.
No-- no championship.

That's okay, that's fine.
No shame in not having
a championship.

That's what I say.
It's about the kids

and just having good matches.
That's what I'm known for.

Good matches, well, fortunately,
I usually end up

laying on my back
for about three seconds.

Oh, well,
you know that happens.

That's--
because it's also staged.

If you weren't driving I'd put
you in a headlock right now,

-show you how staged it is.
-No.

I'm not trying
to ruffle any feathers.

I've lost every match
that I've been in

and every match has been
one hundred percent real.

Every broken bone,
every concussion,

every concussion,
also every broken bone,

and then also
every concussion was real.

Well, yeah, okay, I see
where you're coming from.

It seems like you're beating
yourself up over that.

What I'm trying to say is, like,
that's not your fault, you know.

-Sure the refs were in on it.
-The refs?

-Yeah.
-They are the standard bearers

of the wrestling community.

Now sure,
every now and then,

they aren't
in the right position
or they get knocked over

or something gets poured
in their eyes,

but they can't be held
accountable for that.

I'm just saying, you know,
after a certain amount of times

did you notice that maybe,
perhaps, they happen to be
looking the wrong way?

-Mm-Hm.
-It's always right when
someone's sneaking up on you?

That's just a coincidence.
I got bad luck.

-Yeah--
-I know that.
I know that about me.

-I got bad luck.
-Gosh. I just-- I--

I feel like you're blaming
yourself for a lot of this.

-You seem like
a really good guy.
-Thank you.

So do you have a catchphrase
or anything like that?

Do I have a catchphrase?

Aw, not in the face!

-That-- that's your catchphrase?
-That was me.

Aw, not in the face!

I said it a lot, they would
really often go for my face.

Yeah.

♪♪

[man] The world fell,
humanity adapted.

We learned to depend
on ourselves for survival.

But people still need
driving apps no matter what.

[passenger]
I gotta ask you a question.

Sometimes when I get
one of these Drive Shares,

I'm looking at the app and I
see the cars that are parked,

-it's like driving
in circles or something.
-Very common complaint.

Usually,
that's because I'm being chased.

Ah, of course.

Look at me, now I'm an idiot.
I forgot about that.

Someone's trying to cut off
my legs and have sex with them.

So I'm fleeing for my life.
I'm sorry if I'm a little bit
late picking you up.

I didn't mean you,
the general Drive Share people.

-Some chrome?
-No, thank you.

It's a disgusting habit
I know but, you know,

I did this when I was a kid.
It's some kind of, like--

I don't wanna say addicted
'cause that's a strong word.

-Sure, sure.
-I just kind of enjoy it.

I've tried the gold stuff.

I don't like the gold stuff.

The silver really is special.
And I mean let's face it,

I say it doesn't look cool
but it does.

It looks cool, very cool.

Ah, ha, ha, ha.

Do you have any water?

-[both laugh]
-That's a good one.

That's a good one.

What I wouldn't do for just
one sip. Just one sip.

Hey, are you going
to the water drop this week?

No. There's a water drop
this week?

You gotta go. It's so much fun.

It's the first and third
Sunday of every month.

Do we know that that's water
for a fact?

-That's real water?
-It's definitely water.

-There's no chance that's--
-You heard the piss thing?

-Yeah. This is not pee, right?
-It's not piss.

-I'm not gonna drink human pee.
-It's an urban myth.

You know what I'm sick of?
This Humongous guy.

Why don't we get rid of him?
No one ever talks about that.

You ask me six months ago, "Will
Humongous still be in power?"

-I'd say, "no way."
-No way.

He's crazy. He says crazy
racist stuff all the time.

He's doing something right,
though. He just figured out
that you could milk women,

and that would cause
a sort of a baby explosion.
People got excited about that.

Why didn't I think of that?
Of course, you can milk women.

Of course, you can.

♪♪

-[laughs] Okay, just go--
-[driver] How did it go?

-Okay. Yeah.
-Yeah, we can just go
out of this neighborhood.

-How did it go?
-Sometimes it takes a turn.

The lady in particular
seemed to think

that we are offering something
a little more than guidance.

She didn't like a robe,
so she took that off.

Whoa. Was she wearing
anything underneath it?

I think we've said
too much already,

but let's just say
that the husband

wanted to watch us convert her--

-Which I was into.
-But we don't allow women.

-Mm-hm.
-Jeremy, I have to say I thought

I could have gotten
our message across.

I noticed that you were
very eager to convert.

♪♪

I mean there has to be
a couple of times that

at least made you may be
suspicious that it was staged?

I mean I'm not that really
suspicious type of a person.

There's been a couple
of coincidences that I--
I really can't answer to.

Now there was this one time,
I was about to win the match.

I had my opponent down
for the count like he was down.

I was ready to do my patented
elbow drop, the Nitro drop,

and then he pulled out
this little miniature clock,

I think they called it a watch,
then he kind of just started

swinging it in front
of my face back and forth.

The next thing I know,
I'm in France

with a wife and two kids
in a pretty decent winery.

You got hypnotized into being
a French winemaker?

A pretty good one. It lasted
for about a good five years.

They were a great family. But
I had to get back to wrestling.

-You came back?
-Man, when wrestling is
in your heart is in your heart.

-I guess so.
-I miss you Genevieve.

♪♪

[driver] Where do you work
these days?

Oh, I'm a slave at the refinery.

-Oh.
-I do a seventy-two-hour shift,

take a thirty-minute break,

do seventy-two more hours.

Then I take
about a three-hour break.

Then seventy-two more hours
and the weekend of course.

That sounds
like a pretty cushy setup.

But I love my boss.

He's a lovely man.

Whenever we bleed
out of the ears or mouth,

he gives us
a five-to-ten-minute break.

He's real mensch.

Before my wife Dalese
was taken into slavery
by Lord Humongous,

-I had one night with her.
-Ah.

Was it magical?

Happened to ask, "Dalese,

may I please have
a lock of your hair

in case anything
ever happens to you?"

Every day I smell it.

[laughs]

My wife was bold

and I am a eunuch.

So the closest we can
ever come to intercourse

was me rubbing my front piece

against her hairy legs.

-Your what?
-My front piece,

my penis was cut off.

-No, I know what a eunuch is.
-Yes.

So I rub my front piece,
my nub piece

and we would do that
for a while.

Just like a, like a bare nub

rubbing against her legs?

It's like a bump of a wound

that has been closed.

♪♪

-[driver] You all right?
-Yeah, I'm pretty tired, bro.

Just slammed this audition
though. It was great.

-Oh, great. That's great.
-Yeah.

I'm like a really big fan
of great film,

you know, and it's really hard
to go to an audition--

-Uh-huh.
-Of great film.

-Yeah.
-You know what I mean?

What's the film about?

So it's like a mystery thriller,

kind of, it's a-- basically
I play a mortician--

-Okay.
-Right?

-And I'm in the funeral home.
-Uh-huh.

So I'm like, you know,
morticianing, morticianing.

-Yeah.
-I'm, like, "scoopling" a guy.

-Scalpel? "Scalpelling"?
-Yes.

Then there's a zombie outbreak

and about 17 zombies
break into my funeral home.

Did you, like,
have to be scared or?

-Yeah, I had to be
scared at first.
-Mm-Hm.

And then I had to fuck them.

The--

So like I was scared at first.

Wait, who-- sorry,
in the movie you--

So I fucked like 17 zombies,

well minus two, two of them
are just kind of standing there.

-But--
-Wait--

-The zombies fuck you?
-Yeah.

-So--
-Like as a group? As a gang?

Because instead of headshot,
they headshot the zombies,

like in all the other
zombie franchises.

Well, this one, the way
that you cure the zombism

is with your pussy.
So, they come in

and then you, essentially,
just have to have sex with them.

[laughs] So, did you audition
for pornography or is it like--

What do you mean?
What do you mean?

-I mean--
-Have you seen the movie
"The Room"?

-The weird one? Yeah.
-Yeah. It's-- it's like that.

-Oh.
-Would you call "The Room"
pornography?

-No.
-Would you call
"Leaving Las Vegas" pornography?

-No, but in neither--
-Would you call "Ice Age:
Collision Course" pornography?

None of those have
17 people or zombies

having sex
with one woman at once.

-That sounds like porno.
-What do you mean
it sounds like porno?

-It sounds like
they shot your audition--
-What do you mean?

Well, you know, have you ever
seen a porn where it's like,

"Oh the audition" and then
the girl takes off her clothes

and everybody fucks her
and then she signs a release.

-No.
-They put it on the internet.

No. This is acting.

I mean we're in 2016, bro.
I mean,

you gotta be edgy,
you got to get on that come up,

you got to get
on that new-new,

you gotta fuck
17 zombies or else

no one's gonna respect you
in this town.

-Right.
-Especially as an Asian female,

like, I don't get--
what am I gonna be?

Like a lab technician on CSI?

-No, I'm fucking zombies
tonight.
-Right.

As the lead.

I'm just gonna make my mark,
you know.

I mean, one day,
you never know,

you're gonna be walking down
Hollywood Boulevard,

you're gonna see
a star with my name

and everyone's gonna be
fucking it.

You know what I mean?

The star?

Yeah, I'll put a little hole
in it or something.

♪♪

[man] God, it is such
a beautiful night.

That's nice.
Yeah, it's nice out.

[laughs] What?

It was too spicy?

Okay, the salsa at Verdes
is never that spicy.

That's what I'm saying.

[laughs] Okay.

Are you talking to me?

Ah, oh, no, Cynthia and I
were just kind of--

I don't know if you've been
to Verdes but I think
they changed the salsa.

It's like so spicy and she and I
are real heat chasers but--

Okay, are you on the phone,
like a new tiny Bluetooth?

No, no. We were just
wrapping up a nice evening.

Who? What?

Me and my girlfriend.

Hey, yeah, I guess
we're going by that now.

Okay. Cool.

You're here and so is
your girlfriend inside the car.

Right?

[whispers] Stop right now.

Stop it.

[laughing] Stop it.

-Keep going.
-Hey, you guys, both of you,

don't do that in my car,
alright?

That's not something you do
in another person's car.

-Okay.
-Okay?

-Okay. You stop. Sorry.
-Mm-Hm. Yeah.

Oh, God. I never thought
I did a vet tech, right?

Uh...

[laughs] Well, I'm saying.

What, it's not an insult.
I'm not insulting you.

Come here, stop it. Stop.
Come here. Come here.

The past three weeks have been
some of the craziest weeks
in my life.

I want to start a life together,
I don't know what square one is.

But I know
it's where I want to be.

I love you.

Come here, come here, come here.

No! Stop it!

Hey, look! Oh, look,
we're pulling up to where you--

This is your stop.
This is your stop right here.

[man panting and laughing]

Alright, here's your stop.
There you go.

Actually this is her stop.

I'm the next one.

Okay. Well...

-it's a-- it's a stop.
-Text me when you get upstairs.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh. Drive, drive, drive, drive,

drive, drive, drive, drive.
Oh, my God.

I do not want to be seen
with her.

♪♪

-Shit.
-What's wrong?

I forgot my keys.

I'm always doing this.
I'm in a race to get out.

I have to get my locker
so I can get my handcuffs

-so I can handcuff myself.
-Do we have to go back?

If you wouldn't mind I'd love
to do a quick spin back there,

just grab it.
You're on the clock, so--

Just drove 400 miles
straight into the desert.

I got to go all the way back?

It's not my thing.
I don't have the handcuffs

-I can't handcuff myself--
-Okay, fine.

-This is gonna be surge.
-You can't determine
if it's surge.

-Doing surge right now.
-You can't determine.

-It's determined by the company.
-Surging.

You see that's--
I didn't agree to that.

So I can file a complaint.

I will send it by the crow

if I see a crow.

♪♪

Like your match tonight,
for instance, you know
who you're up against?

Oh, I'm going against one
of my favorite opponents,

the Masked Man.
You may have heard of him.

Oh, yeah, a very famous
wrestler that guy.

Would you mind dropping me
off at this alley further up.

The Masked Man said
he wanted to meet with me.

We're gonna have
a little pre-match rendezvous.

We're gonna get together,
have some horchata.
I love horchata.

-I don't know,
do you like horchata?
-I do.

You think the Masked Man asked
you to meet him in an alley

so you could drink
horchata before the match?

Yeah, it's a delicious
spiced milk drink.

But it seems like you're being
setup for an ambush.

-[laughs]
-Maybe I'm being paranoid,

but has it ever happened
to you that you've scheduled

a pre-wrestling match horchata
with the Masked Man,

then when you got to the alley,
instead of drinking horchata

-you got beaten up or ambushed?
-Several times actually.

One time I went
to meet up with him,

he stuffed me in a casket
and shipped me to Mexico.

I mean that was actually a great
Day of the Dead Festival,

so I had a great time
but it was scary.

In the last time he's like,
"Let's meet at the aquarium."

I'm like, "Okay, that sounds
strange but who cares."

The next thing I know he's
got me locked in a shark tank.

I had to swim for my life

and I've never been
a great swimmer. I was that day.

I think you're gonna get
your butt handed to you
in this alley, pal.

I don't think so.
We're gonna relax,
kind of catch up on old times.

-Alright.
-[laughing] Oh, my friend.

Thank you so much, man.
I cannot wait for tonight.

-Good luck tonight, man.
-Thank you. I don't need luck.

I got skill.
You just watch tonight, alright?

Masked Man,
good to see you.

Oh, you gonna pull
out a chair for me?

-[hits]
-Aw, not in the face!
Not in the face!

Ah.

♪♪

Maybe you should call
your representation after this
and tell them what happened.

I call my represent--
my representation is the Phonz.
I met him at Best Buy.

-Like Happy Days Fonz?
-No, with the PH.

He's one of those dudes
with, like, 85 cellphones

and he is awesome.

I did another one.
My manager hooked me up
with this other one.

It was--
it was straight to stream.

It was kind of like-- you
ever seen "Independence Day"?

-Yes.
-So, you know,
how the aliens will come--

-In the big ships.
-Right.

I'm the Secretary
of Defense, right?

-In America, and Bill Pullman
is still the President actually.
-Oh, wow.

Yeah. It was really dope
working with him.

-That's great.
-And then the aliens come,

seventeen of them burst through
and I fuck them all.

Bill Pullman's not there. He's
kind of videotaping against--

there's
like a little hole in the wall

and he's videotaping it
in the hole.

Wait, was this at a studio
or at Bill Pullman's house?

It was at Bill Pullman's house.
He has this dope house
in Calabasas.

-It was kind
of a low budge but--
-Yeah.

But Bill Pullman,
I've been a fan of him
since "A League of Their Own."

-He's a great actor.
-Have you shot anything
for your manager

that doesn't involve
you fucking?

Yeah, I did this commercial
for chestnuts.

-Oh.
-That was my first
interaction with a donkey

because I did not know
they were that big. I mean--

Yeah.
How was there a donkey?

It's a smaller miniature
pony that would come in.

No, I know what a donkey is.

-I don't think--
-I got paid a hefty sum.

It was like five hundred

pesos for that one.

-I think that's five dollars.
-Yeah. I mean,

"when in Rome,"
is what they say.

But--

♪♪

-[passenger] Oh, go, go, go.
-[driver] Oh, my God.

We went in to share the word.

-Everything was going well.
-What happened?

You guys, what happened?

-Bing-bong.
-Okay. Bing-bong.

"Hell, go away." Bing-bong.

Bing-bong. "Okay, come in".

"We want to talk to you--"

And so we started our spiel.

We said,
"Sir, we would like to share

[both]
the word of the Light Source."

[cries]

He's like,
"Sure, I will pray with you.
Come down to my basement."

You guys went down
to the basement?

There was a huge dog.

There were multiple dogs.

So hungry.

We were mauled. I think
it was more than just dogs.

It was him, too.

I smelled a raccoon in there.

I don't care what you say,
I smelled a raccoon.

Oh, my God, you guys.

He made me do things
that people only do

when they're married.

[crying]
He put a bottle inside of me.

At one point,
he said feel the eyeballs.

And I think
it was just peeled grapes

but it felt like eyeballs!

-[cries]
-He took my toenails
off one by one.

He whitened my teeth.

And I just did it ten days ago.

You're not supposed
to do it that often.

He took the skin off my penis

and made me wear it as a hat.

I had caffeine.

I wrestled with Jon Stewart

who hit me over the head
with a dictionary.

-Jon Stewart?
-Dr. Phil kicked my ass.

Did you know he loved
wrestling, 'cause he does.

Martha Stewart
kicked my ass once,

but she is tough.
She went to jail before.

So you--
I saw that coming.

It sounds like
your wrestling persona

is routinely
kicked in the face.

I mean not just kick,
punches, elbows, knees,

and one time perfume,
a giant bug sprayer,

tennis racket,
typewriter, a briefcase,

I don't know what was in it,
bricks probably.