Original subtitles

[rap song]

[driver] She said she'd just be a couple of more minutes.

It's the thing about these drive-share pools,

you're always on someone else's schedule.

Yeah. Just in a little bit of a hurry.

Oh! I'm sorry. I think she is--

This might be her coming.

[driver] Here we go.

-Hi. Sorry that took so long. -Hey.

Alright, and we are a go.

-Do I know you? -I don't know.

-You look familiar. -You too.

-It's so funny. -I know.

-I thought that when we got in. -I know.

People say I have a familiar face.

-Really? Me too. That's funny. -Yeah.

That's probably it.

Your name is not Tracy, is it?

No, it's Ashleigh.

Okay, sorry.

-What's yours? -Paisley.

Paisley, that's cute.

Do you know Johnson?

Johnson, is that a last name or a first name?

It's Johnson Johnson. Not Johnson & Johnson.

-What? -I know. I know.

-That's so funny. -It's a guy.

You'd know him if you knew him.

-Okay. No... -He's... Incredibly obese.

Okay, I guess we'll never know.

Maybe we just don't know each other.

-Great Q-tips. -What?

Johnson & Johnson, great Q-tips.

-Oh, is that the same person? -No, that's a company.

He gets that a lot. It's just...

-Wait! -What?

Are you my dentist?

-You look so much like... -I think that's it.

-That's it. Yes. -Really? Oh my gosh!

Because I practice and-- But I know all my patients.

Hold on. You know, sometimes because you're lying back...

-Yeah. -Do you mind if I...?

-No, do you want me to lean back? -Yeah.

Sometimes I know people by their teeth.

Okay, alright. Go ahead.

Hmm, it's a crown. That crown's coming loose.

You've got upper...

-No. -Did you notice that I have...

-Yes. -...four baby teeth?

I did, and you need to look at those.

-That's crazy. -Can I ask? Are you my dentist?

-Oh my gosh! -What?

-I'm not a dentist. No. -Oh!

[upbeat music]

[driver] You guys look gorgeous.

-Thank you. -Thank you. We're going to a wedding.

Oh, I love weddings.

-Can we give you the address? -Yeah.

-I didn't put it in, but it's on that invitation. -Okay.

I don't get dressed up for nothing.

-I promise you that much. -She really does not.

Evander Turkington and Isadora Vanderwheel.

-Yeah. -That's right.

I know-- I know these people.

-Really? -That's crazy.

-The world is so tiny. So weird. -I know.

No, I didn't--

I didn't get invited. It must be a different couple--

I'm good friends with Evander. So, I would...

You think there's a different couple

named Evander Turkington and Isadora Defanso Marks Vanderwheel?

-I-- Yeah, that's her name. -Yeah, that's the...

I really don't think there's more than one.

So, what, they're like getting married today?

Yeah. They're tying the knot, finally.

This is going to be the wedding of the century.

It must be really, really small.

It must be intimate. They've always liked to do things small--

No. I think it's about five, six hundred people.

There's like five, six hundred people.

I don't know if I am dressed nicely enough.

You're not.

Um, so how did he send you that?

They might not have my mailing address

because I was gone.

I don't know. They sent an e-mail copy and an e-vite.

They did? All e-vites go to my spam. All of them.

-All e-vites go to you spam? -All e-vites.

You could check your spam when we get there.

Maybe you have one and...

Yeah, maybe. I'll just come in.

Even if I don't, I'll just come in.

You know, at weddings, people love surprises.

That's the one day of the year

where you don't want everything too planned.

I don't want to discourage you from doing what you want...

I'm not discouraged. I'm definitely coming.

I just think it's not necessarily the day

to kind of reconnect with somebody.

-Where are they getting married? -At one of Oprah's houses.

-Oh my God! -The good one.

Thank God!

[announcer] Welcome to the fifth annual "Run for Lupus" charity 5K.

[epic music]

[athlete] Thanks so much for the ride.

Anytime.

[sighing] You excited about the big race?

Oh, yeah! I mean, it's going great.

-Oh, good. -Oh, we are making great time though.

Oh, sure. Oh, what time does the race start?

Oh, it started about five, ten minutes ago actually.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I don't want you to be late.

-Oh, it's okay. We're doing great. -Okay.

-Okay. -Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you got the address, right?

-It's just... It's the finish line. -Yep.

I'm sure if you Google "Charity 5K finish line,"

you'll probably get the destination there, but...

You're going straight to the finish line?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I don't know where else you would go in a 5K.

Are you supposed to be running the race right now?

-Oh, I mean, we are. We... -Ooh!

We're running the race in a way because we're using our heads.

-One way to look at it. -Hold on.

One second. I know this guy!

Monobo! Your ass is grass, man!

You're not winning it this year!

Ooh, we are going to catch that son of a bitch.

[Ashleigh] Oh God! This is driving me crazy.

Did you have an affair with a man named Robert?

-No. No. -My husband? No.

God! That would have been crazy.

That would have been so scary if I had.

'Cause I only have photos of her from behind,

but I thought for sure.

-Is she blonde? -No.

-Did you use to be a brunette? -No.

Did you play the role of Urkel on "Family Matters?"

No, but I love him.

-He's so talented. -Okay, that's not it. Argh!

Jaleel White.

-Jaleel White! That's right. -Yes.

-I drove him once. -Really?

-Good guy. -What a coincidence.

-That's crazy. -He can dunk a basketball.

-He showed me. -Speaking of,

were you in a drug facility a few years back?

-Yes. -For anorexia.

-Yes. -Me too. And bulimia?

-Yes. -Body dysmorphia?

-Absolutely. -Okay, wait.

Was the leader like a kind of former Tweeker,

-who was like, you know, always... -Big hair...

Yes. Wait! Were you at one point...

They gave you like electric shock therapy?

I don't remember.

-I think it-- oh. -Was it 2002?

-Yes. -In..

-Ohio. -Ojai. Oh!

-Ojai. -Man.

-Close. -Yeah, we got so close.

Are you me?

Am I looking in a mirror?

-No! -No!

Huh!

Do you know what you're going to say for the toast?

-Yes. For sure. Oh. -Yes. Oh, sorry.

-Um, no. -What are you going to say?

-I'm going to say... -Ladies, gentlemen,

children, young, old.

It's so nice to see so many

unfamiliar, frankly, faces out there.

I'm so glad that the people who are really there

for you, Evander and Isadora,

which are fucked up names, were able to attend this.

I almost gave away my entire life to you.

Um, and uh, it clearly went unappreciated.

So, a drink to the couple.

What have I done? Amen.

Amen.

Oh, God!

I just thought of something.

Maybe it's a surprise wedding, like for me.

We have not talked in like six years.

This is cra-- Is that cute?

-You think that we... -They orchestrated this whole thing?

-That we are a ruse... -I'm really touched.

I don't want to disappoint you.

-I just don't think... -No, then don't.

-Okay. I... -Then don't do it.

-Are they going to... -I have to.

This is a surprise wedding for me.

I don't even know six hundred people.

I really don't think so.

-Don't think so. -You don't think I know 600 people?

There's no way you know 600 people.

-Sorry. -Yes, I know six hundred people.

Jamie, Alvin, Meghan,

Kimmy, Hun-- Hundreds.

-You're making up words. -That's my friend who does rap.

[announcer] Hang in there, brothers. Just two miles to go.

-What's the race for? -Um, lupus or something.

Oh! This is for lupus?

Sounds like a "Peanuts" character to me.

My cousin has lupus.

Congratulations?

[laughing] I'm sorry.

Maybe I'll give them a bit of that 5K if I win it.

-What 5K? -The five thousand, the prize money.

You know, there's no prize money.

5K is the distance of the race.

-Okay. How many miles is that? -Like three.

Okay, well, I plan to run none of it.

Oops, sorry. Slow down. Slow down.

Slow, slow, slow. Yes! Alright.

Oh!

Ooph! You got that AC cranked, Ma'am.

-Oh! No. -Oh, this ain't the half of it.

I plan to cut off the circulation to my legs with the seatbelt.

It will give me that wobbly, really sympathetic finish

as I stumble across the finish line.

Please, don't do that.

-Oh! Oh my God! -What? What is it?

Can you push that seat forward? I got a Charley horse.

-Do you? -Just please push it forward.

-Do you have a Charley horse? -God...

A lot of runners lose control of their bowels.

-You don't mind if I do that, do you? -Do not.

-I can't make any promises. -You can.

Oh, God!

[driver] Hello?

[driver] No. I'm coming for you right now.

[driver] No idea. I'm not familiar with this neighborhood.

Honestly, I just don't like to use GPS

because I don't know--

I feel like it takes them away from sort of like--

You know, primal instincts

of just sort of finding directions.

Because obviously, cave people didn't use GPS.

Like smart technology is making us dumber, you know.

[driver] Do you have an app open where you can see

the little animation of my car?

Can you do me a favor? I'm not sure where I am.

Could you tell me where I am on that map?

If I'm getting closer, say hotter, and if I'm getting away, colder.

This gives you a game to play until you get picked up.

So hotter or colder? Hotter or colder?

How about now? Hotter or colder? Hotter or colder?

Warm. Warm. Cold, cold.

Okay, if I turn around

am I going to get hotter or colder?

See, the thing is I don't like left turns.

They just like-- A, they take forever. Two, they're kind of scary.

And three, I read something about them one time

that they're the most popular cause for crashes.

So, I could go a right, a right, and a right

and that would take me to where you are, I think.

I'm going to do that. Let me know--

I know I'm going to get cold for a minute,

but after I make multiple rights, it should get hot again.

[driver] Help yourself, you know.

If you want, we have some mints

and some more mints and, you know, floss.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a lot of stuff.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's our policy to not--

you know, get tips.

-Right. -But help yourself to the amenities.

-Right. -Need floss? You got something in your teeth?

-No. -You might have a little hidden kale in the back molar.

-No, I'm good. It is a policy. -It is--

They do say, no tipping.

Yeah, technically, technically, there's no tipping

but you know, I got like six, almost seven kids.

What do you mean almost seven kids?

-Mint? -No. I said, I'm good on your amenities.

How's your hair? How's your hair right now?

I don't know. I'm wearing a hat.

Let me tell you something, look at this.

Look at this. We got some combs for your hair

and that's not the kind of stuff you get

-when you're just in anyone's car. -No.

-You know what I'm saying? -No.

I don't know why you have it.

I also have Venmo. So, it's really...

-Everyone has Venmo. -You have Venmo? On your phone?

Yeah. Yeah, I've got Venmo.

Oh, I have Venmo. This is going to be so easy.

I'm paying DriveShare, I'm not paying...

Oh, no. You pay DriveShare on the app, right?

-Yes, good. -But when you're at the bar

and you're about to sit down, you Venmo me a quick 25 bucks.

For what? For what am I venmoing you for? What?

Oh, you Venmo me and you say,

"Hey bud, thanks for the combs. Thanks for the mints."

I didn't want a comb. I didn't want a mint.

Look, I'm sorry you have almost seven kids.

That's not on me. I'm not going to Venmo you a tip.

You're right, I'm just sorry I brought up Venmo.

-I know that's a weird thing. -Cool. That's fine.

I know what you're trying to do. Don't worry about it.

-I'm trying to make a living. -Cool. I appreciate that.

You got PayPal?

-Hello, hello. -Right time, baby!

-I cannot wait. -You're going to this wedding too?

Oh yeah. Evandra's and...

-No. -Evander. Evander.

And Isadora Vanderwheel.

-You're right. -How do you know them?

Uh, let's see.

A couple of months ago I delivered them a pizza.

It was kind of a nice interaction.

We had a little conversation, hit it off,

next thing you know, I get a wedding invitation.

So you just gave them your address

in this pizza transaction?

No, they tracked me down.

And I mean, I moved a couple of times.

Next thing I know, invitation,

and close up the restaurant tonight,

-we're going to a wedding! -Yeah.

This wedding is a surprise for me.

You're not going to tell me, but that's what this is.

They're throwing this to surprise me.

Why would you be the center of attention?

Oh, you guys just don't get our humor.

Me and Evander have a whole thing of prank, prank,

like I'm leaving or whatever.

You know, slam the door, but then you come back in.

Oh, that sounds like an argument...

-Huh? No, no. -Sounds like an argument.

-You had a falling out. -No, you're like

"Quit going through my stuff."

Then you leave and slam the door and...

Did you ever confirm that it was a prank?

I can't explain the theory of, you know, K is funny.

-One, two, three... -Did you say sorry or psych?

Could you guys give me one second? Keep it a little quiet.

Like, I just-- I'm trying to get this speech down,

-and I don't want to mess it up. -Speech for what?

You're speaking at the wedding?

-Yeah, after the... -I'm doing a little...

What are you going to say? I'm happy to have given you

a pepperoni pizza, one time?

That's part of it. I wouldn't say that's all of it.

It's a good place to start.

It's from the first time we spoke,

I knew that you were a really great couple and you know,

you ordered one of my favorite pizzas on the menu

and don't forget that Friday's pizza night.

If you order one large pizza, you get a free medium,

and uh, two liters of coke.

I got a bunch of free coupons

I'm going to give out to people for...

[party music]

I have honestly had it!

What you three are not getting is how fucked up it is

for Evander not to invite his best fucking friend to his wedding.

He didn't invite Ryan to his fucking wedding!

Oh my God! You're-- You're Ryan?

Evander's best friend, Ryan?

-Yes. Why? -[laughing]

I'm really sorry. I was supposed to invite you three months ago.

I'm so sorry. You're the Ryan. You're the Ryan.

He lost your contact info. He couldn't find your address, he sent me...

-I did go on that trip... -He was looking for you.

He paid a private detective to find you.

-He did? -He mentioned you when I dropped off that pizza.

You know, he was so broken up

about how you guys had lost touch.

-And he really cares about you. -Sounds like him.

You are his best friend. He said, "Best friend Ryan."

-He really... -So bright...

Ryan.

Ryan! Wake up, you're driving.

-Come on, man. -We're going 30 miles an hour.

I'm so excited to go to this wedding with you.

Again, those of us with invites are going to this wedding.

You are not going to this wedding.

[announcer] We're at the home stretch

for the run for lupus charity 5K.

There is a 5000 dollar purse on the line, yes.

No.

Would you consider transferring the charity money

for the lupus victims to the winner

if he were to break a Guinness World Record?

Well, please consider it.

I am the mayor.

Oh my God!

-What? -Oh my God!

Look at that crowd.

This is going to be great.

I am getting so laid tonight.

Actually, do you think this looks better?

Or this?

It feels like the second one is more triumphant,

but the other one is a more sympathetic.

There's a lot of options. I could do a point.

Or I could call somebody out in the crowd.

Or if one of those lupus kids was there,

I could go over and take time from my race

to like embrace them and then finish.

-Might get me laid. -As soon as you cross the finish line,

you should just let go of your bowels.

You don't mind if I just do that right now?

-[driver] Here's your stop! -If you pull up to the finish...

I don't want to walk anymore than I need to.

I pulled over in front of Home Depot

to check my map, and then all these dudes just jumped in the car

and I thought-- I figured one of them was you.

And I was like, "Are you Greg? Are you Greg?"

And none of them were Greg. Oh, also, is it Greg?

Is it the hard "g" or a soft "g"?

Okay, that's what I thought.

I'm still looking for you. I was taking a minute.

No, I'm on my way man. I got my hands full right now.

So, let's just-- I'll get there when I get there.

-Did you go to USC? -Yes.

-Uh, me too. -Wait a minute. Class of...

-2007. -Yes.

-Ah! -Were you a Poli-sci major?

-Yes. Mohawk dorms? -Me too.

-Yes. -Room 223.

Room 224.

-Oh, that can't be it then. -I know.

That's it! That is most definitely it.

Capital "I", capital "T", it.

There is nothing else that it could be.

That is it.

No, we're not in the same dorm room.

Oh, fucking shit!

-We're here. -Are you dropping me off first?

No, it's the same destination.

-Wait, but this is my... -My house.

-Oh my God! -Oh!

-We live together. -We live together.

[Paisley] Oh my God! I knew we would figure it out.

[driver] You want some swish-swash?

What? I don't know what you mean by that.

I got the best swish-swash in the biz.

-Look at this. -You mean mouthwash?

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

This is some good stuff. You want some?

-You don't want some? -No.

Alright.

Can we just get to the destination?

I've already made it clear that I don't want these things.

Pass me a cigarette.

-Thank you. Maybe... -You're going to smoke in the car?

Can you pull--? Just roll the windows down.

You're going to smoke two cigarettes at once in this car?

The windows don't go down.

Please don't. God!

-I feel so much better. -Please, please.

My grandfather died from emphysema from smoking cigarettes.

Fine, fine. You know what?

If you're going to be annoying about it,

-I'll put it out. Thank you. -Thank you.

Fine, it's out, okay?

-But that helps clean the combs. -Alright.

You know what? I don't know why I'm doing this.

I'm going to give you a tip because it's obviously so important to you.

Before I give you this dollar, I'll let you know something.

I keep this dollar in my wallet at all times

because it was given to me by my grandfather.

The same guy who died from emphysema from smoking cigarettes.

-So, I'm giving you my lucky dollar. -Alright.

Thank you.

Please, let me out. I'm going to walk the rest of the way.

No problem. Thanks for driving with me.

This has been the chillest night I've had in a very long time.

It's the middle of the day.

Oh, bummer! Should've given me a bigger tip, bro!

[ending music]

-You're not Dianne Wiest's daughter? -No.

-[Paisley] You don't work at a Toyota dealership? -No.

-[Paisley] Are you a crazy Malcolm-Jamal Warner fan? -No.

-Did you write all those Jane Austin books? -No.

-[Paisley] Was your nickname "Big Boobs Betty?" -No.

-Do you have a succulent farm in Ponoma? -No.

-[Paisley] Did you run for President? -No.

-[Paisley] Are you a dog walker? -No.

Are you an exercise addict?

[Paisley] Do you go to four or five classes a day?

[Ashleigh] Yes.

-[Paisley] Equinox? -Yes.

-The one on the... -No, no.

[Ashleigh] I only go to the one on...

Oh, please figure this out.