Original subtitles

MAX: The craziest thing happened.

We were watching this hot dog eating contest

and they dipped all the hot dogs in water

so they could eat it faster. CHELSEA: No way!

MAX: And then Noodles said, "Hey, that's a great idea!

"Breaks down the starch."

So then he dipped his tuna sandwich in water,

and seriously you've never seen anything so gross.

CHELSEA: Yeah, I would just call her and talk to her about it.

MAX: Call her? Call who?

Didn't you hear what I...? CHELSEA: Ow!

Aah! MAX: Chelsea!

CHELSEA: Oh, is it bad?

Scale of 1 to 10?

MAX: 79?

♪

♪

♪

MAX: Distracted walking, the slow‐moving killer.

NOODLES: I've got those same shoes!

MAX: Yes, and the same legs.

That's you, Noodles.

NOODLES: Oh! So this is why you asked me

to go headfirst into a garbage can.

MAX: And so that ends my 32‐slide presentation.

I think I've got our next idea.

Something that will bring people closer together.

Something that will make the world safer.

And it... is...

...good.

MAX: Guys?

Guys!

[air horn noise] KAYLYN: Oh my gosh, Max!

NOODLES: It's okay. She is okay.

KAYLYN: Was the air horn really necessary?

ALICIA: My ears... are ringing!

MAX: My idea is a new app

that forces you to put your cell phone down.

MAX: And it's called Cell Down.

ALICIA: Cool.

but one question: why would I want to put my phone down?

ZEKE: I second that.

KAYLYN: Yeah, phones are one of the four basic needs of life.

Food, water, shelter, phone.

MAX: Guys, we're obsessed with our phones.

They're ruining our social skills.

Right, Zeke? MAX: See what I mean?

MAX: And we're more likely to be injured by texting and walking

than normal, non‐texting walking.

In fact, our smartphones could be deadlier

than a swarm of bees.

Bees, people!

NOODLES: Did he say "bees"?

MAX: Today Chelsea walked face first into a pole.

KAYLYN: Ouch!

MAX: We need an app to keep us safe from our phones.

ALICIA: Max, I'll need more proof

before I put my phone down.

CHELSEA: My life is ruined!

MAX: Ah, Chelsea!

Would you like to show my friends your eye?

CHELSEA: What do you guys think?

Not that bad?

KAYLYN: Ew, Chelsea! ALICIA: Gross!

NOODLES: Why is it vibrating like that?!

ZEKE: Pfft, I've seen worse!

CHELSEA: Great! I knew it!

MAX: Let's call that Exhibit A.

NOODLES: Okay! ALICIA: We're in!

KAYLYN: Point made.

MAX: Zeke?

ZEKE: Guys, no way.

I just downloaded Zombie Chocolatier 2

and I'm this close to earning my caramel badge.

MAX: Hand it over.

ZEKE: Uh, what's that, Mom?

Coming! KAYLYN: I didn't hear your mom.

ZEKE: I gotta go.

♪

MAX: Well, that was weird.

KAYLYN: Beyond weird.

Zeke usually loves hanging out with us.

ALICIA: I wonder what's wrong.

NOODLES: I'll go find out. It should be me.

He respects me the most.

ALICIA: Uh... right.

KAYLYN: So how does Cell Down work?

ALICIA: Maybe we could put a timer on each app?

Like use it or lose it.

MAX: I like where you're going, but let's go even bigger.

♪

NOODLES: Hey, Zeke!

ZEKE: You sneak out here to use your phone, too?

NOODLES: No, I just really don't have a handle on this one.

My ideas are a bit too cutting edge.

ZEKE: Well that's one way of putting it.

NOODLES: You don't think my ideas are cutting edge?

ZEKE: Uh, your Snore Box was pretty out there.

NOODLES: So as you can see,

Snore Box is 100% soundproof.

[knocking on box]

MAX: [yelling]

It magnifies every noise!

NOODLES: Guarantees a good night's sleep!

MAX: [screaming]

NOODLES: I've got lots of other great ideas.

ZEKE: Okey dokey. Let's hear 'em.

As long as I get to keep my phone,

I'm in. NOODLES: Really?

You want to make one of my ideas?

ZEKE: Just try not to burn down my house.

NOODLES: I'll do my best.

To not burn it down, I mean.

ZEKE: Let's just play it safe and not burn anything down.

NOODLES: Deal.

ALICIA: How about we increase the brightness level?

Make the screen so bright you can't even read it?

MAX: Yes! That's a great idea.

KAYLYN: But I want to read my screen.

MAX: You know, back in the old days,

people didn't have social media.

KAYLYN: But then how did they like each other's stuff?

MAX: They told each other.

In person.

With their mouths.

KAYLYN: That sounds...

[cell phone chimes]

MAX: A poop emoji? KAYLYN: See?

One character, and it tells you

everything I feel about this idea.

ALICIA: Maybe we could add a siren or something.

MAX: Perfect!

NOODLES: Good idea! ZEKE: Bad idea!

NOODLES: Good idea! ZEKE: Bad idea!

NOODLES: What about socks that come in threes?

So when you lose a sock, you still have a matching pair!

ZEKE: But I never lose my socks.

So I'll always have one extra.

NOODLES: Hey, uh...

Self‐drying paint?

ZEKE: Paint already does that.

NOODLES: Turkey bacon.

ZEKE: That's already a thing.

NOODLES: Tofu bacon. ZEKE: That's also a thing.

NOODLES: Pork bacon? ZEKE: That's just bacon.

NOODLES: Oh. Hey, what's up with your pants?

ZEKE: I just got some hand‐me‐downs

from my cousin Wendy, um...

I mean, Wendel. And, she‐‐

he is bigger than me. NOODLES: Ah.

Your loose girl pants are giving me an idea.

ZEKE: Huh?

NOODLES: What about a device

that keeps your pants up for you?

ZEKE: You mean a belt?

NOODLES: A smart belt!

ZEKE: A smart belt? NOODLES: Yeah!

So if your arms are, say, full of groceries,

you can raise or lower your pants with a voice command.

ZEKE: Why would you ever need to drop your pants

while carrying groceries?

NOODLES: There's a million reasons!

Like what if you're walkin' home from the grocery store

and your pants catch on fire

but you don't wanna drop your groceries?

Or a dog attacks your pants and won't let go?

Or someone says, "Hey, I bet you can't take your pants off

"without dropping your groceries," or...

ZEKE: None of those would even happen to anyone.

NOODLES: Two of these things happened to me last week.

ZEKE: Okay, you know what?

This sounds fun. Zeke is in.

NOODLES: The guys are gonna flip when we come back with this!

ZEKE: Yeah, right.

MAX: Okay, it's finished.

This is gonna be huge.

ALICIA: Yeah, huge!

KAYLYN: It is? MAX: Uh, yeah!

Do you still doubt the hugeness of what we've done here?

No more people ignoring each other in social situations.

No more accidents due to distracted walking or driving.

KAYLYN: But is it worth the price of having no more phones?

MAX: If it saves lives and relationships,

then, yes!

Also it's not "no more phones";

it's "sometimes no more phones."

ALICIA: I like it. MAX: This is good, Kaylyn.

KAYLYN: I... guess.

MAX: That's the spirit!

MAX: I've sent out the link.

If you do not want to participate, you don't have to.

Just don't open the email I sent.

KAYLYN: Okay, I'm gonna sit this one out.

[cell phone chimes]

KAYLYN: Oops.

Reflexes...

I guess I'm testing it out after all.

MAX: Great! We're all in!

Can't you just feel the electricity in the air?

[zapping] ALICIA: Whoa!

I just felt it in my phone!

♪

♪

BECCA: Yarr, I'll have me a blackjack of yer finest swill!

CHELSEA: Just say you want your coffee and move along, Becca.

CHELSEA: Fine.

Walk the plank to the end of ye counter, Scallywag!

BECCA: Aye, aye, Captain.

Yarr!

KAYLYN: Hey, Chelsea! I'll get a... [phone chimes]

KAYLYN: Oh!

CHELSEA: Is your phone sending you an SOS?

KAYLYN: No. It's our new app, Cell Down.

KAYLYN: It's supposed to stop you from looking at your phone.

Max came up with the idea after you walked into that pole.

CHELSEA: Really? That's sweet.

KAYLYN: I guess, but I can't see who this text is from.

I'm waiting to hear back from the producer at Tiger Tank.

CHELSEA: Meh, it's better not to respond anyway.

They'll think you're so busy you don't even need their show,

and then they'll want you even more.

KAYLYN: Whoa! You're so wise.

CHELSEA: I know!

CHELSEA: This way? KAYLYN: No, no.

Back, back. Yeah.

No, that way!

MAX: Look how much safer our walk is

without looking at our phones.

We'd probably have been run over by a steamroller by now.

ALICIA: Probably. [cell phone beeps]

MAX: Ha, that's funny timing.

[zapping] ALICIA: Ow!

Shock. I forgot.

MAX: Just a level one warning.

WOMAN: Look out!

MAX: Whoa!

ALICIA: Whoa.

That plant could've killed me.

MAX: It would've if you were on your phone.

Our app just saved you!

ALICIA: If I was on my phone, I would've been smushed.

MAX: Yeah. Totally flattened!

KAYLYN: A what?

ALICIA & MAX: A falling plant!

KAYLYN: A falling plant?

That's scary.

ALICIA: Yeah! Almost hit us!

MAX: It was so close!

ALICIA: Aw!

KAYLYN: You're not thinking of still eating that?

ALICIA: Yeah.

Five second rule?

KAYLYN: You know the five second rule is a myth, right?

NOODLES: She's right.

The five second rule is totally bogus.

It's more like 15, 20 seconds, at least.

MAX: Two things. One, that's super gross.

And two, where've you been?

KAYLYN: You haven't been using your phone, have you?

NOODLES: Nope. I'm working on something.

ALICIA: What?

NOODLES: Not tofu bacon, that's for sure.

ALICIA: Okay.

KAYLYN: Alright, I'll admit I'm starting

to see the appeal of the app.

MAX: Really? KAYLYN: Yeah.

I had to look something up and use an actual book.

It was fun.

I felt like a pilgrim.

MAX: I knew you'd come around!

KAYLYN: No, Alicia.

CHELSEA: Max!

CHELSEA: Did you put your dumb app on my phone?

MAX: Technically you did when you opened the link I sent.

CHELSEA: My phone tried to burn me.

ALICIA: We increased the memory usage by 300%

to overheat the battery to... CHELSEA: Burn me?

ALICIA: To send you a warning that you were using your phone

too much. CHELSEA: Oh.

That's actually pretty clever.

But stop messing with my phone!

MAX: Gotcha. Sorry.

[zapping] CHELSEA: Ow!

Ugh! MAX: Starting now.

CHELSEA: Max! Ugh...

MAX: You missed by a mile.

CHELSEA: I have no depth perception!

[sighs]

CHELSEA: Aah! Stupid wall.

MAX: We should run a test on the app.

Maybe dial down the reminders?

ALICIA: I'd need my phone to do that.

MAX: Huh.

So the only way to see how well the app is working

is to check your phone,

but you can't check your phone because the app

is working so well...

ALICIA: Yeah, it's a real chicken and egg dilemma.

♪

♪

MAX: Kaylyn? What are you doing?

KAYLYN: What? This?

It's just‐‐ Okay, I admit it.

I can't live without my phone.

Just like every other mammal on Earth.

MAX: Hm... Do sea otters text?

ALICIA: Oh, I think they mostly email.

KAYLYN: Hilarious. Anyway, look at the email I got!

MAX: Ah, I can't read it! It's too bright.

KAYLYN: It's from the producer of Tiger Tank.

I've been trying to get us on the show for months.

And they just had a last‐minute cancellation!

They want us!

MAX: T‐ Tiger Tank?

FRANK: That was easily the worst pitch

I have ever heard in my entire, miserable life!

Take your junk and get out of here, Mom.

FRANK: Go! Get out!

MAX: You don't expect me to go on that show, do you?

I'm a disaster on TV.

Remember Gracie?

KAYLYN: It wasn't that bad.

MAX: No?

GRACIE: Now, does this miracle morning worker

also have a make up... [blasting sound]

GRACIE: [screams]

KAYLYN: I'm sure she's fine.

She's famous.

And this is Tiger Tank, Max!

It could really help us raise money.

Millions of people watch it.

MAX: Exactly!

This guy lives to humiliate people in front of them.

I don't wanna be humiliated again on TV.

ALICIA: I think I agree with Max.

They're hardcore.

We're not ready to face them.

KAYLYN: Do you think if you met a tiger in the jungle

you'd be ready to face it?

MAX: Nope. ALICIA: Not a chance.

KAYLYN: See? There's never a good time.

Listen, I know it may have taken me a while

to warm up to Cell Down,

but it's really good and I want to pitch it!

MAX: The guy ripped into his own mommy!

Mom ! I‐ I said "Mom."

No one says "Mommy," uh...

KAYLYN: I'm pro at presentations.

You guys just have to stand there and nod.

I'll do all of the talking.

MAX: You will? KAYLYN: Totally.

MAX: If you can get behind Cell Down,

then I can will myself onto that set.

KAYLYN: Great! We're doing it!

NOODLES: Yo, guys, I've got something cool to show you.

Garage.

KAYLYN: Garage?

NOODLES: As in, "Meet me in the garage."

ALL: Oh!

NOODLES: Yeah.

KAYLYN: Hey, Zeke. How's Zombie Chocolatier?

ZEKE: It's awesome. I just reached malt level.

ALICIA: Is that good? ZEKE: Nope.

It's sweet!

Like chocolate!

NOODLES: Max, you ready?

MAX: Pfft, I guess.

But why do I have to wear the prototype belt?

Also these pants are huge.

NOODLES: We wanted you to have the honour of going first.

It's a sign of respect.

Presenting the Smart Belt!

MAX: So what does it do?

NOODLES: I'm glad you asked, fine sir.

The Smart Belt tightens and loosens your pants

via voice activation.

It does all the work of wearing pants for you!

KAYLYN: Finally!

ZEKE: We linked a spring mechanism to a Bluetooth app

that responds to simple voice commands.

ALICIA: That's so smart!

NOODLES: Also, the sheriff belt buckle was my idea.

KAYLYN: That's... also smart.

MAX: Not gonna lie, the belt buckle's pretty boss.

NOODLES: Okay. Ready?

"Pants Tighten!"

MAX: Aah! Too tight, too tight, too tight!

ALICIA: Impressive.

NOODLES: But wait, there's more.

"Pants Loosen!"

MAX: Ah!

That's better.

NOODLES: Now, say for some strange reason

you have an emergency bathroom situation...

MAX: What kind of emergency?

NOODLES: "Pants Down!"

[laughter]

MAX: Noodles! ALICIA: Well, it works.

KAYLYN: I gotta get a pic.

[zapping] KAYLYN: Ow!

ALICIA: [laughs] KAYLYN: I forgot!

ALICIA: I can't believe it.

Tiger Tank!

KAYLYN: Are you guys ready to pitch an idea

that'll save the world? MAX: Yes!

Wait, you actually think it'll save the world?

KAYLYN: I do.

I haven't used my phone in forever.

It's killing me, but it totally works.

NOODLES: We could pitch Smart Belt instead.

ALICIA: I don't think we're gonna do that.

NOODLES: Then why is Max still wearing it?

MAX: Okay, if we're gonna be honest,

these pants are very comfortable

and I actually think the Sheriff belt buckle is really cool.

NOODLES: Right?

KAYLYN: Okay, we're ready.

Right, guys? NOODLES: Yeah!

MAX: We can totally do this!

FRANK: Get out of here and take your useless invention with you!

BUSINESSMAN: [crying]

Don't go out there, kids! [sobbing]

Run away while you still can!

He is so mean! [crying]

FLOOR DIRECTOR: Smashable, you're up next.

MAX: We can't do this.

KAYLYN: Yes we can, Max.

TV ANNOUNCER: Next up on Tiger Tank,

Smashable, with their invention, Cell Down!

♪

FRANK: What's this? We're running a daycare now?

MAX: Oh, boy!

KAYLYN: Hey! Hey.

We've got this.

♪

Hello, Tigers.

We are here to present Cell Down,

the app that will revolutionize phone safety.

FRANK: Oh, yay, an app? How original.

AMELIA: Ignore him, dear.

Go on. KAYLYN: Thank you.

Did you know, according to some sources,

walking‐related accidents have surged up to 31%

in the last two years?

AMELIA: Fascinating.

MAX: I think it's working...

KAYLYN: In fact, our phones are now more likely to kill us

than a swarm of bees. FRANK: [laughs] As if.

KAYLYN: Our app will stop you from using your phone when

you should be paying attention to the world around you.

The people around you.

FRANK: Kid, people love their phones.

Look, I got two!

Why would I want an app that tells me I can't use it?

AMELIA: I hate to agree,

but if you don't want to use your phone,

can't you just put it down?

KAYLYN: Well, It's a lot harder than it sounds.

FRANK: What's that?

AMELIA: Let's see a demonstration.

MAX: Uh, Mrs. Hedges, would you like to do the honours, please?

AMELIA: I'd be happy to.

FRANK: No, no, no, I'll do it. KAYLYN: Okay.

But any attempt to use that will cause...

[zapping] FRANK: Ah!

Did that just shock me!

AMELIA: Ha! Do it again, Frank!

FRANK: Are you crazy?

You purposely invented an app that electrocutes people?

KAYLYN: That was a warning nudge.

FRANK: Is this thing heating up?

Ow! Oh!

How do you turn it off?

KAYLYN: Well, you actually can't because it's on a timer.

But that's due to...

FRANK: What if I have an emergency?

Have you thought of that, Einstein?

Ow!

KAYLYN: Well, we actually decided that it would...

FRANK: This is...

the dumbest app I have ever seen.

It could only have been invented by a kid!

MAX: What do we do now?

ALICIA: Don't worry, she's got this.

KAYLYN: Well, you...

You...

You are a very mean person!

ALICIA: I, uh...

What she said!

MAX: I thought she had this.

NOODLES: I did not see that coming.

FRANK: What are you two still doing here?

MAX: Uh... I... um...

FRANK: "Uh... um... I... uh... uh..."

NOODLES: Just stop.

You can't talk to people that way

and you sure can't talk to my best friend that way.

FRANK: And you are?

NOODLES: Did you know he was terrified of coming out here

and being humiliated by you?

He was trembling backstage like a baby bird.

MAX: Dude, stop! Please.

NOODLES: No, it's okay! I want to do this.

Max Graham is a vulnerable little boy,

smaller than average for his age.

And sure, occasionally he wets the bed.

MAX: Noodles! FRANK: [laughs]

AMELIA: Oh, dear.

NOODLES: So give him a chance, okay?

FRANK: I‐ I thought this went off the rails before,

but this really ups the stakes.

Well done, kid.

You really got caught with your pants down.

FRANK: [laughs]

AMELIA: Nice going, Frank!

You scared the pants right off of him.

FRANK: It's what I do.

NOODLES: Anyone interested in investing in a Smart Belt?

MAX: What? ALICIA: Oh...

Sorry!

♪

♪ Pants down turn around ♪

♪ Shake that booty... ♪

NOODLES: The comments are brutal.

"Hey bedwet boy, lose the dinosaurs and ask Mommy

"for a diaper, lol."

ALICIA: "Epic fail"... "Pwned"... "Cringey"...

KAYLYN: "Those knobby knees are the stuff of nightmares.

"And I told them that app was dumb."

MAX: Is that one from Zeke?

Oh, come on.

KAYLYN: Haters are so mean.

NOODLES: I wish we could just delete every troll

from the internet. KAYLYN: Yeah.

MAX: Maybe we can!

KAYLYN: What do you mean?

MAX: People make fun of us,

say we're all wasting our time,

our summer vacation and weekends,

inventing stuff that doesn't work.

NOODLES: Hear, hear!

MAX: Uh, Noodles, I haven't gotten

to the inspirational part yet.

NOODLES: Oh, sorry. Please continue.

MAX: Imagine a world where you could do stuff online,

post pictures, videos,

be yourself, and yes,

wear dinosaur underwear on TV,

and not have to worry about a bunch of jerks

piling on and making fun of you!

ALICIA: That would be awesome! KAYLYN: I wish!

MAX: Our company is gonna make a new app that can detect

and delete all the mean, nasty comments on the internet!

ALL: Yeah!

NOODLES: We could make all the trolls go poof!

ALL: Yeah!

KAYLYN: Troll...? ALICIA: Jammer?

MAX: TrollJammer. Let's do it!

ALL: Yes!

[zapping] CHELSEA: Max!

ALICIA: You forgot to disable her app, didn't you?

KAYLYN: [laughs]

ALICIA: He forgot to disable her app.

♪