Original subtitles

ALICIA: ...which, yes, was a failure,

but one I'm confident can be fixed in version 2.0.

I think I've got a few more kinks to work out

before I can successfully mod fidget spinners

to braid hair.

MAX: All right, well...

Do we have any other business to attend to?

NOODLES: Well, in five months and seven days,

you have a birthday, Max.

And in four months and three days,

Alicia has a birthday.

ALICIA: How do you know my birthday?

NOODLES: And in just four days and seven hours...

KAYLYN: [groans]

NOODLES: ...Kaylyn has a birthday!

MAX: Oh, yeah ! It's almost your birthday.

What would you like to do?

KAYLYN: What would I like to do for my birthday?

What I would like to do is catch up on my 20‐year plan.

I'm already two years behind,

and I haven't done anything I said I'd do

before I turned 13.

MAX: You've done so much, Kaylyn.

KAYLYN: Really?

I haven't started my Fortune 500 company.

I haven't been in any "20 under 20" lists,

and I haven't even started building my media empire.

NOODLES: Then what about your podcast?

KAYLYN: I've only got three listeners.

And they're you guys.

Wait, that means Zeke doesn't even listen.

ZEKE: There's only so much time in a day.

MAX: You should check it out, Zeke, it's a great podcast.

ZEKE: Really?

What was this week's topic?

Anyone?

ALICIA: [laughs] Oh, it was‐‐ it was great.

The topic was...

KAYLYN: Correction.

I have zero listeners.

ALICIA: We've been very busy, Kaylyn.

I have it saved right here on my phone.

KAYLYN: Seriously,

I'm turning the big "1‐3" next week,

but it's gonna be more like the big "1‐4."

One for the books.

The fail books!

And what would I like to do for my birthday?

Not be on the cover of a fail book!

MAX: So do you want cake...

or ice cream? KAYLYN: [groans]

NOODLES: I think what Kaylyn's trying to say is she wants

both cake and ice cream!

KAYLYN: [groans]

♪

♪

NOODLES: Trust me, one sip

of the Noodles Special milkshake here,

and all your worries will evaporate.

CHELSEA: Okay.

I have two quad‐fudge‐banana

extra‐cherry milkshakes,

and a very, very special

almost‐your birthday cupcake...

KAYLYN: [groans]

CHELSEA: ...for the birthday girl.

Kaylyn, I'm sensing you're not that excited

for this birthday.

KAYLYN: [groans]

NOODLES: I'll translate.

Kaylyn feels she's not as accomplished

as she should be at this point in her life,

so she's not very thrilled about the upcoming anniversary

of her birth. KAYLYN: [groans]

NOODLES: She's also worried her current resume won't impress

the admissions offices of the colleges

she's planning to apply.

KAYLYN: I'm a washed‐up loser!

[groans]

NOODLES: But she's very thankful for the cupcake,

and hopes you don't take her face being smushed

into the table as her being rude.

CHELSEA: Well, I have friends that work for this awesome

non‐profit that does cool work rescuing animals.

They need volunteers all the time.

KAYLYN: A non‐profit would look great on my resume.

CHELSEA: You want me to hook you up?

KAYLYN: Yes! NOODLES: She will consider it.

CHELSEA: Cool, I'll give them a call during my break,

and I'll text you the info.

KAYLYN: Thank you so much, Chelsea.

NOODLES: She says "Thank you, Chelsea."

CHELSEA: No sweat. Happy to help.

NOODLES: [slurps]

Woohoo! Brain freeze.

[slurps]

Double brain freeze!

♪

KAYLYN: Max, your sister is so cool.

NOODLES: And dreamy. KAYLYN: And smart.

ALICIA: Yeah, seriously.

I wish I had a cool big sister like you.

Someone to help me out and give me advice.

Maybe I can have her...

MAX: That's a weird thing to just say out loud.

ALICIA: Or is it?

MAX: Yes.

KAYLYN: So, what's your idea?

NOODLES: Just gonna take some of these.

ALICIA: "Big Sis."

A digital big sister app

that gives you advice in real‐time.

MAX: Why?

There's already tons of digital assistants.

ALICIA: Those other ones just give you directions

or help you figure out where the best tacos are.

NOODLES: Everyone already knows the best tacos are at El Cheapo.

KAYLYN: [laughs] I think you mean Guac This Way.

ALICIA: The best tacos are Mexcellente,

and I'm not having this argument again!

But we're getting off track.

MAX: Big Sis would give you personal advice.

Like a real big sister would.

KAYLYN: Whoa. That would be so cool.

MAX: Yeah!

Also, the best taco place is at Nacho Granddad's Tacos.

NOODLES: Ew! That's disgusting!

Are you kidding me? I'm just disappointed.

[text sound] KAYLYN: Oh.

Chelsea said she can get me into that animal rescue!

This is perfect!

KAYLYN: I'll save some animals, get into Harvard,

and be tennis partners with Beyonce in no time!

MAX: But, Big Sis app?

KAYLYN: Sounds great! I'm totally into it.

I'll see you guys later.

ALICIA: Well, what do you guys think?

NOODLES: I think Beyonce's tennis partner

is probably Jay‐Z.

Maybe Solange.

ALICIA: I meant about the Big Sis app.

MAX: I love it!

We could ask whatever questions we have.

NOODLES: Yeah, like...

I could ask Big Sis if this is the summer

I rock a man bun.

MAX: Or I could ask Big Sis how to tell my friend

he'd look terrible in a man bun.

ZEKE: Here's a better question.

Since we haven't met people from the future,

does that mean time travel will never be invented?

NOODLES: Whoa, Zeke.

That's really deep!

ZEKE: Yes, I'm very philosophical.

Oh, and the best tacos are at Ready or Nacho,

and you all know it.

♪

♪

ANDERS: You must be Kaylyn!

I'm Anders.

We are so psyched you decided to join us!

KAYLYN: Thank you. I'm excited to learn

everything I can here.

ANDERS: Oh, shut up!

That is so cute!

You sound like a little Wall Street exec.

with your little suit! [laughs] I can't even !

Hang on, I gotta 'gram this.

This is gold! Get in, get in, get in.

Aw, honestly, you could be a meme.

Oh, I'm gonna caption this "Little lady, big business."

And, shared with 10 million people.

KAYLYN: Whoa, seriously?

ANDERS: Social media is a big part of our business.

Check this out.

People see us looking cool, they share our content,

they donate more money, we save more animals.

KAYLYN: Oh, really? ANDERS: Sure, Miss Thing!

This pic of you just helped us build

a habitat for homeless possums.

KAYLYN: Cool! ANDERS: I know, right?

KAYLYN: Well, I'm excited to get started.

ANDERS: Come on.

ANDERS: This is your desk!

KAYLYN: No way! I get my own desk?

ANDERS: Apologies for the grey theme.

I wanted to re‐do this part of the office

but instead used the money to teach

orphan baby seals how to swim. KAYLYN: Aw.

ANDERS: Yeah, super aw.

We filmed it, Mike Myers shared it,

and now we're swimmin' in likes.

KAYLYN: Ooh. He sounds famous.

ANDERS: He... he was.

Okay, so there is a script and a call sheet next to the phone.

KAYLYN: Phone? ANDERS: Ugh, I know, right?

You'll be talking to people who don't use social media.

You know, old people.

KAYLYN: Oh. I just thought maybe

I'd be out on animal rescue missions.

ANDERS: Oh, totally.

We'll for sure get you in the field soon.

I mean, a photo with you and some baby ducks?

That has some serious viral potential!

It's just that I gotta be fair to everyone and blah‐blah‐blah.

So everybody starts off doing the cold calls.

Even I did!

KAYLYN: Oh, I get it.

I'm happy to contribute however I can.

Plus, I'm great on the phone.

I've mastered a calm yet persuasive tone.

ANDERS: [chuckles] Hit me with it.

KAYLYN: [deep voice] I would appreciate it if someone

would get me a pizza. ANDERS: [laughs] Chills!

I got chills! You are awesome!

Hey, if you have any questions,

feel free to ask Tina, all right?

Bye!

KAYLYN: Hi, Tina! It's nice to meet you.

Okay, then.

♪

KAYLYN: Maybe we can talk at lunch?

ALICIA: Okay...

We are going to ask you some big‐sister‐type questions

and record your answers. CHELSEA: Sounds easy.

ALICIA: The program I wrote will analyze your responses

and synthesize advice just like yours.

CHELSEA: Cool! ALICIA: I know, right?

Okay. Let's start with the questions.

MAX: How can I get my mom to stop

organizing my underwear drawer?

CHELSEA: Ask her. MAX: Of course!

ALICIA: How do I convince my mom to let me get my ears pierced?

CHELSEA: Tell her you wanna get your nose pierced,

and then she'll definitely compromise for ears.

ALICIA: Oh, that's smart!

MAX: How can I get out of taking a shower every single day?

CHELSEA: Ew!

Um, okay...

Take a few hour‐long showers,

run up the water bill,

and after that, Dad will beg you to take a few days off.

MAX: This is great!

CHELSEA: What can I say? I'm wise!

BIG SIS APP: How can I help? Big Sis is listening...

CHELSEA: Cool! [laughs]

A little weird for me, but cool.

How does it work? MAX: Ask it a question.

CHELSEA: Big Sis, how do I get my dad to stop buying

almond milk and go back to buying regular milk?

ALICIA: Good question.

BIG SIS APP: Casually mention that the nutrients in milk

prevent hair loss.

CHELSEA: Good answer. And true!

Pretty sure I learned that in bio‐chem last year.

Or maybe it was a beauty vlogger.

Either way, I'm really impressed, guys.

This is amazing!

MAX: So, do we have your blessing to launch it?

CHELSEA: Sure. It feels good knowing

that while I'll be stuck serving sandwiches,

I'll also be helping people all over the world.

NOODLES: It's like you're a superhero,

but for feelings... and without a cape.

Unless we get you a cape!

Guys, can we get capes?

BIG SIS APP: I do not recommend getting capes!

♪

KAYLYN: Yes, ma'am.

For less than a cup of coffee today,

you can help protect endangered species.

No, you don't have to give up drinking coffee,

I just meant...

I'm sure you're a monster without your coffee, but...

Okay, thank you.

She had a Frappuccino craving and had to jump off.

MAX: So, it's going well?

KAYLYN: Yeah, Anders is great,

although he's not here that much.

This morning he had to leave for some kind of snake emergency?

MAX: Like someone got attacked by a snake,

or he had to save a snake?

KAYLYN: Uh... Yes?

MAX: Gotcha.

Hey, do you wanna see the Big Sis App?

We just got it approved in the app store.

KAYLYN: [laughs] Whoa, no way!

That was fast!

MAX: I know, right? Check it out.

BIG SIS APP: How can I help? Big Sis is listening.

KAYLYN: Ooh! Let me try!

Hey, Big Sis...

How do I convince my mom to up my allowance?

BIG SIS APP: Watch a really sad movie with her.

Once you get to a really cry‐ey part,

tell her how much you value her and then go in for the kill.

KAYLYN: Whoa, ruthless. But good advice.

Let's try another.

Hey, Big Sis.

How do I get more people to donate to Saved by the Beluga?

BIG SIS APP: You can't know what anybody wants

if you don't listen to them.

KAYLYN: Hey, not bad.

If I want more people to help, I need to know what they want.

Thanks, Big Sis. BIG SIS APP: No problemo.

KAYLYN: That's great.

Sounds like you guys are crushing it without me.

MAX: Oh yeah, sure, you know, but..

if you're bored here or whatever, you could just...

KAYLYN: No! I'm crushing it too.

We're all crushing it! MAX: Yeah.

KAYLYN: Yeah. MAX: I guess.

KAYLYN: I... I guess I better get back to it.

MAX: Yeah, maybe I'll see you later?

KAYLYN: For sure.

I want to meet the goal I made for me today.

I have a lot of phone calls to make.

Soap for baby ducks doesn't pay for itself.

MAX: Okay.

See you.

TINA: Hey, Big Sis.

How do I know if my cats just

aren't that into me?

♪

NOODLES: I know 151 users

doesn't seem like a lot of traffic,

but this is really good.

ALICIA: We've only been online for about a week.

We haven't advertised it, and somehow

people are discovering it on their own.

This is really, really good, you guys!

MAX: I knew it was just a matter of time

before we had a hit on our hands!

That's why I've been saving... this.

[blows dust off] ZEKE: Dusty juice?

MAX: You say "dusty juice," I say

vintage 1998 bottle of Chateau de Fake Orange Sparkling Soda.

ALICIA: Is... that a thing?

MAX: It's a thing I got on our family vacation

to France three years ago.

I've been saving it for a special occasion.

Six bucks a bottle.

NOODLES: [whistles]

MAX: I guess this is the special occasion I've been waiting for.

ALICIA: Do you want me to open that?

MAX: I got it.

ALICIA: Well, you should probably point it away

from the server, so...

NOODLES: What?! Whoa!

ALICIA: ...that doesn't happen!

MAX: What? ALICIA: No, no, no!

MAX: I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, guys!

ALICIA: It's fried!

I can't get the Big Sis server to reboot.

ALICIA: But the request server is still live,

and now we've got questions coming in

and nothing to answer them.

We need to shut it down.

MAX: No! We can't!

If we shut it down, we'll lose all our momentum!

ALICIA: But how are we going to answer the questions?

MAX: Uh... NOODLES: Okay, uh...

'Kay, what would Kaylyn do? MAX: Yeah!

NOODLES: Uh... Oh...

We could answer the questions manually

until you get the server back up!

MAX: That sounds like the opposite of what

Kaylyn would do! NOODLES: It's still a good idea!

How hard could it be to give good advice?

MAX: Uh, Noodles, no. NOODLES: Just watch and learn.

Um, "Big Sis, how do I get out of eating my vegetables?"

Uh, offer to carry the veggies to the table

and then "accidentally" drop them

when you fake an intense vision from the future.

ALICIA: Is that good advice?

MAX: Yeah, it's great.

You know, if I was my mom, I'd at least wanna hear

about the vision from the future, so...

NOODLES: "Big Sis, how do I tell my friend that he smells bad?"

It would be easier if you don't do it to their face.

Uh, try a text.

Or skywriting.

Or several billboards.

I am killing this!

MAX: I'm not sure I'd love to hear I have BO from a billboard.

But it's working.

NOODLES: "Big Sis, I'm in a rut in life, what do I do?"

Uh, what...?

Ah! Uh...

Have you considered getting bangs?

They really frame the face.

MAX: Everything is fine. It's all fine.

ZEKE: You might want to spray some more juice on that.

ALICIA: I got this.

[spraying sounds]

NOODLES: Nice one.

KAYLYN: Excuse me, Mrs. Whalen...

TINA: "Mrs. Whalen" sounds so formal.

Please, call me "Tina."

KAYLYN: Okay, Tina.

TINA: You know what?

That sounds really disrespectful.

KAYLYN: All right, Mrs. Tina.

So, I've been taking notes on all the calls I've made today,

and I've noticed some clear patterns.

I think with a few minor tweaks to the script,

we could increase our... TINA: Mrs. Kaylyn...

KAYLYN: Just Kaylyn.

TINA: I have no authority to make changes in the script.

They just gave me my bathroom key privileges back, so...

KAYLYN: What?

TINA: You're gonna have to wait until Anders

gets back from China.

KAYLYN: But we could easily‐‐

TINA: Mrs. Kaylyn, please.

I have some very important work to do.

So if you could please leave me be...

KAYLYN: Wait, what did you do in the bathroom?

♪

TINA: Hey, Big Sis.

What if my only dream in life is to be a pony?

BIG SIS APP: Have you considered getting bangs?

They really frame the face.

SHAUNA: It looks horrible!

MARK: Well, my app says it's on fleek!

SHAUNA: Fleek is over. Nobody says "fleek" anymore.

MARK: Well, not according to my app.

SHAUNA: Okay, miss, can you tell my boyfriend

how terrible his hair looks?

CHELSEA: Oh, um...

MARK: I don't need a cool teen's opinion!

I already have the app!

Hmm! CHELSEA: Wait.

The Big Sis App told you

that would look good on you?

MARK: It said that this cut would really

flatter my bone structure and frame my face.

Does it not?

Does it not flatter my bone structure?

CHELSEA: Did you cut it yourself, or...?

MARK: I'm so sorry.

We should go home.

♪

♪

BIG SIS APP: How can I help? Big Sis is listening.

NOODLES: Oh, uh, if your girlfriend

hates your new haircut, then you should just get...

shave your whole head!

And, send. ALICIA: Noodles!

Stop telling people to shave their heads!

NOODLES: Right, right, sorry!

Duh, I wish Kaylyn was here. She'd have such good advice.

ZEKE: "I have to go to the dentist tomorrow,

"but I'm scared."

You should be.

ALICIA: [groans] Really, Zeke?

MAX: "Hey, Big Sis.

"What if I don't like my internship and really miss

"working on stuff with my friends?"

BIG SIS APP: I bet your friends really miss you

and want you to come back.

But maybe smooth things over by bringing a gift.

Nacho Granddad's Tacos makes the best tacos, FYI.

KAYLYN: Max?

KAYLYN: Bye, Mrs. Tina. I'm outta here.

TINA: Bye, Mrs. Kaylyn. I'll miss you.

♪

KAYLYN: Um...

Um...

MAX: "Hey Big Sis, what's a good excuse

"for not having my homework done?"

Okay. This is easy.

MAX: Just tell a simple little lie like...

the dog came and took it and...

someone took the dog!

And you chased after them, but you fell...

down a well!

But you got out.

NOODLES: Uh, people keep asking why the Big Sis App

is giving such bad advice.

MAX: It's fine. It's all fine.

ALICIA: Max, I think we're creating more problems

than we're solving.

ZEKE: If you gaze long enough into the abyss,

the abyss will gaze back into you.

ALICIA: Exactly!

Zeke knows what I'm talking about,

and I think we should shut it down.

MAX: Okay, we can handle this, okay?

What's the next question?

ZEKE: "How can I spice up my marriage?"

MAX: Oh.

Um...

Cayenne pepper?

NOODLES: Shave your head!

CHELSEA: Hey, guys!

Is there something wrong with the app?

I saw some pretty weird stuff...

MAX: Uh, it's fine. It's all fine.

Anyways, how would you spice up a marriage?

CHELSEA: What? ALICIA: [groans]

The Big Sis server crashed,

but the requests keep coming in,

so they've been trying to give the advice you would give.

CHELSEA: Ah...

Now, that explains a lot of my day.

NOODLES: Now people are mad we're giving such bad advice.

MAX: And I don't know how to spice up a marriage!

NOODLES: And I keep telling people to shave their head!

Oh! I just did it again!

And he was asking about movie times!

Please stop me.

CHELSEA: Can I give you guys some advice?

ALICIA: Please. CHELSEA: Shut it down.

You built something awesome, and you should be proud.

But no computer can give personal advice.

The advice I give to you is different than the advice

I'd give to Noodles...

which is different from the advice I'd give to Zeke.

ZEKE: Just to be clear, I haven't asked for advice.

CHELSEA: My point is that if you want to give something

the personal touch, you gotta do it yourself.

MAX: She's right. Shut 'er down.

CHELSEA: You wanna know the truth?

I kind of missed being the one giving all the big

sisterly advice around here.

MAX: Yeah, and I missed getting it.

CHELSEA: Wanna get some Thai food on this big sis?

MAX: Can we go to Thai and Stop Me?

CHELSEA: Mmm. I was thinking Beau Thai.

NOODLES: Thai Boat is way better.

ALICIA: The best Thai food is at Spring Rollin' with the Homies,

and I will fight you all!

NOODLES: I don't know...

Thai Boat is the only one with a nautical theme.

CHELSEA: Beau Thai has class.

NOODLES: But they call you "Captain"

and they bring your food in a life preserver.

CHELSEA: We're going to Beau Thai,

or I'm gonna shave your head.

NOODLES: You know what?

Let's go to Beau Thai!

♪

♪

ALL: Surprise!

KAYLYN: What?! You guys!

This is so great!

MAX: We knew you were nervous about turning the big 1‐3,

so we decided to make the day extra special.

KAYLYN: This is so sweet.

And honestly, I feel good about turning 13.

I've done a lot of really cool things,

and I know with you guys I can do a lot more.

NOODLES: Whoa.

Is it just me, or do you seem way more grown up?

ALICIA: Yeah, I can't put my finger on it,

but there's something about you...

KAYLYN: I'm just really happy to be back with you all.

And I got bangs!

[laughter]

♪

[applause]