Original subtitles

Rog, I'm 10 out.

I'll scoop you, and then we're headed straight

to the Sharks Nest for some laser hockey, baby.

Pew pew! My favorite sport! Can't wait.

Check this.

We're sitting in the mayor's box.

Dick's been moonlighting

as Mayor Garfield's Chief of Security.

Yeah, Dick, killing it!

You're coming as your Pete Van Smash persona, right?

You know it! Good.

All the guys from work think Van Smash is a God.

He loves sports, and he's always on the hunt

for new awesome porn.

Van Smash always brings the fire.

I'm going to slip into him right now.

[ Ring tone plays ]

Hell yeah.

What up, blowhole?

I hate to do this, but I got to flake on you

for that laser game. What?

Why didn't you just tell me on the other line?

Van Smash doesn't make other people take out his trash, bruh.

I got to go. I'm about to get in an accident.

[ Engine revs ]

[ Glass shatters ]

* Good morning, U.S.A.

* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *

* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say

* Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

* Good morning, U.S.A.

Announcer: That's a laser goal!

Three points!

-Yeah! -Yeah, yeah!

How sweet is this box?

Stan, where's Van Smash?

He totally flaked. Oh, man.

I bet he had something cool to do.

He's probably being so funny right now.

That's too bad. I wanted everyone here

so I could share some good news.

With the extra money I'm making working for the mayor,

I finally bought that boat I've been lusting after.

The one that's been rusting in the Walmart parking lot

for the last three years?

Yep! But that's not the good news.

If I had not moved out of my apartment

and on to that boat, then I wouldn't have met

the love of my life.

Meet Becky Tenderhearts.

Goddamnit.

I got to ask, how do you guys concentrate at work

with this tub of hot roast beef slopping around?

Francine, I came across a pretty troubling photo

from your bender last night.

Francine: Oh, God!

I made out with Tuttle?

-Ew! Mom! -Get it, Mrs. S!

I wonder if I took a bite or ate the whole thing.

I better pop a Plan B.

Got you! It's Photoshop, baby!

All: Ah!

[ Applause ] Too kind, too kind.

Little light on the cheering there, Klaus.

Now, to more important matters.

What the hell, Roger?!

You have to break up with Dick!

I command it!

First, I'm not dating Dick.

My persona, Becky Tenderhearts, is.

Second, I'm not dumping him.

Becky is in love!

All: Aw! Yes.

[ Applause ]

That is so sweet!

It isn't sweet, Hayley. It's annoying.

Roger ditched me, so there I was looking like

an ass kneeling during the national anthem all alone!

Relax. Every once and a while,

my characters schedules conflict, but don't worry.

I don't see any other conflicts on the horizon.

Good because you and I have a big

Wheels and the Legman case to crack.

The Legman is ready, and, Frannie, Hayley,

I'll be there as Jeannie Gold to help you plan

Nerfer's bachelorette party.

I can't believe Nerfer is settling down.

She has such big tits!

And Raider Dave and I are watching the game tomorrow.

See, Stan? Plenty of Roger to go around.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Becky has some planning to do.

She's moving on to Dick's boat!

Roger, that's a big step!

Stop. It's just easier, Steve.

Sure, Roger. That's the reason.

Shut up, Steve!

Oh, no, bro.

That's my buddy Raider Dave's lucky seat.

We're bonded in blood as citizens of Raider Nation,

and he's going to be here any second!

Awesome. Oh!

Damn it, Roger.

Where are you?

Jalapeño popper on the floor. Don't do it, Klaus.

Oh, sick!

I caught this right before it hit the ground!

The Raider game is about to start if anyone's interested!

Who cares about football when we've got this beautiful sunset

over the marina.

[ Sniffs ] And that glorious smell?

What is that smell, Dick?

Dead seagull.

Thank you for this life.

[ Both moaning ]

Mom, Nerfer's bachelorette must be pirate themed!

Nerfer loves pirates!

That's why I've been saying we should go steampunk.

It includes pirates but has some gadgets.

If Roger were here, Jeannie Gold would tell you to listen

to what the bride wants,

and Nerfer doesn't want future pirates!

Jeannie Gold would help me kick your ass

because she knows that steampunk isn't future!

It's an alternate timeline where technology

developed differently, you piece of shit!

Aah! Aah!

[ Country music playing ]

I love dancing barefoot here.

I can feel the peanut shells crunch beneath my toes.

Hey! That guy pinched my ass.

He's going to eat some Dick fist.

Ugh!

[ Grunting, screaming ]

Stop it! Dick, stop it.

That guy didn't really pinch my ass.

[ Glass shatters ] Dick, this guy

just threw a glass at you.

Hey, Jeff. You here to ride Clip Clop?

Every Tuesday at midnight.

Clippy Cloppy, I've got a dirty carrot for...

[ Gasps ] Oh, no.

Clip Clop's gone!

As soon as I bang my gavel, you will be sentenced to death

unless, of course, something crazy happens

in the next five seconds. Five, four...

[ Door opens ] Steve: Wait!

[ Crowd gasping ]

This man is innocent!

Who are you?

We're Wheels and...

Legman?

He's supposed to be here with the evidence.

Oh, well.

10,000 volts for Mr. No-Bicycle-Helmet here.

**

Do you think this is what Heaven's like?

No. Heaven's got way more birds.

The Smiths! As I live and breathe.

What has it been,

10 years? Try a decade.

We're having one of our famous all-family meetings.

Say no more.

I'll bring you each a glass of marinara.

I call this family meeting to order.

Roger's relationship with Dick has consumed him.

He's flaking on all of us!

He's losing himself in Dick.

We need to break them up.

But Roger will never break up with Dick.

We need Dick to break up with him, but how?

What if we bribe Dick with, I don't know, Kit Kats?

Klaus, I'm curious.

Why not money?

I'm curious, too, Steve.

If I know one thing about Dick,

it's that he hates getting cheated on.

Is there anything there? Wait a second.

Klaus recently became amazing at Photoshop.

He could make it look like Becky has been cheating on Dick.

Is this true, Klaus?

Is it true that you've recently

become amazing at Photoshop?

Let me put it this way.

I've recently become amazing at Photoshop.

Perfect.

On to our next order of business.

Steven Smith is motioning that his new nickname

is Bayou Billy With The Heavy Balls.

All those in favor?

All: Aye.

Congratulations, Bayou Billy With the Heavy Balls.

On my way to work,

I bought a bunch of new ropes for my boat.

I'm talking really good ropes.

Damn, Dick. These sound like great ropes.

Please tell me you got pics.

Better than pics, I have the ropes.

They're here?

Dick, I've been really happy for you

over the last couple weeks,

over the Moon honestly, but you're my best friend.

I am? For this situation, yes,

and I can't lie to my best friend.

I was on the Googz doing some "I Feel Lucky" searches,

and I stumbled across a pretty disturbing image.

I don't know.

It's Becky, but this looks old.

I'm not naive enough to think she never dated before me.

Wait. Look at the guy holding the newspaper.

"Two Days Ago"?!

How could she?!

Dick dumped me.

He stomped on my heart

and wouldn't even tell me why.

Do you think it was because I had to

stop sex once because I had a hair in my throat,

and when I finally got it out,

it was a whole eagle feather?

[ Sobs ]

Well, we did an underhanded thing,

but I'd say it's pretty clear that life

is going to go back to normal.

I will never, ever get over this!

Oh, hey, Francine.

I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay

after Becky's big breakup.

Oh, wasn't that so fun? She was devastated.

What a great ending to her story.

Whenever a character's story arc is over,

I vacuum seal their costume

and store it in my character closet.

One thing they don't tell you about these

vacuum pouches is you can save a ton of money

by not buying the pump.

[ Inhales ]

One thing they don't tell you about these

vacuum pouches is you can save a ton of money

by not buying the pump.

[ Inhales ]

Well, I'm glad to see you're back to your old self.

How can Mr. Taffarelli not be an all-timer?

He was so shy.

Good to have you back, Legman.

So I ran that hair we found at the scene of the crime.

You know how we thought no man could kick that hard?

We were right.

It was a kangaroo.

You're a hell of a private...

[ Sobbing ] Dick.

Jeannie, I'm glad you're here 'cause last night,

it hit me -- the perfect thing

for Nerfer's bachelorette party --

strippers!

Ooh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Are we talking full frontal?

Because I want to see some...

[ Sobbing ] Dick.

We have fun. Don't we, Clippy?

[ Grunting ]

Chargers are stupid.

Raider Dave, get in here!

I'm not in the right head space.

Just punch him in the balls for me.

It's the area right under his...

[ Sobs ]

What are we doing at BDB's?

We only come here when there's a problem,

and everything's fine.

Roger, we need to talk.

We think Becky's breakup with Dick is affecting you.

Why would you think that?

Because all of your characters are sad.

During our meeting, Jeannie Gold recommended a stripper

who only dances to Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car."

Jeff said Clip Clop cried.

Now he thinks horses have human feelings

and should be allowed to vote.

[ Sniffles ] Becky was my most vulnerable persona.

Her pain must be affecting my other characters.

Oh, we would like to offer you our authentic

Taste of Tuscany appetizer.

Taste of Tuscany? Wait a second.

Last year, my book club tried to force me to read

"Under the Tuscan Sun."

Luckily, I found out it was a movie just in time.

But it taught me a valuable lesson.

If you're down, go to Tuscany,

and you'll be magically fixed.

Do you think Tuscany's magic can fix Becky?

I do. Oh, yeah!

-Oh, yeah! -Oh, yeah!

-Oh, yeah! -Oh, yeah!

-Oh, yeah! -Oh, yeah!

[ Italian music playing ]

That house.

Stop the bus.

Stop the bus!

Sad lady, I will teach you Italiana.

Only then will you be able to stop the bus.

**

[ Bird squawking ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Tires squeal ]

Good thing you learned Italian.

**

Francine, wake up. Wake up!

Last night, the most wondrous thing happened.

I couldn't sleep, so I went into town,

and you remember that hunky single guy

who owns the Italian soda shop, Marioigi?

No.

We've only been here for 12 hours.

We fell in love!

And we screwed!

Bella, I love you!

I must go now.

[ Moaning ]

But then I realized I'm a strong, independent woman.

I don't need to be defined by a single man.

-Ciao, bella. -Mi amore.

-Principessa! -Mangia, mangia.

-Mi amore! -Tutta bella!

-Principessa! -Cara mia!

-Ciao, bella! -Mangia, mangia,

che ti fa bene! Mwah.

Did you sleep with all these...

[ Horn beeps ]

-Aye! -Oh!

[ Horn beeping ]

[ All shouting in Italian ]

You were right to bring me here.

In Tuscany, I found the one thing

I was looking for -- me.

I'm all better now. Let's cream out of here.

[ Lasers firing ]

Van Smash, how's it hanging?!

To the left down my pants and up the other leg.

Ha! If you speak true,

then you must have the lengthiest of johnsons.

Good to have you back, Van Smash.

I'm glad you're here

because we've got another special guest,

my new girl, Linda Vulnerabella.

Black bra, see-through shirt, pure class.

Chic, chic, chic.

Like I always say, nobody who lives on a boat

can stay dry for long,

and I mean that in two ways. [ Grunts ]

How'd you two meet?

We met [laughs] at the marina bait shop,

and he took me to this bar called...

Barnacles?! That was our bar!

I've never been to Barnacles with you, Van Smash.

Yeah, Van Smash,

what are you talking about, Van Smash?

Oh, yeah. I'm Van Smash.

Um, Linda, what's your deal?

You like porn? You like Deadpool?

You like something else? Like all women,

I enjoy the wit and wisdom of Chester Cheetah.

Isn't she great? Mwah.

Did our time together mean nothing? [ Grunts ]

Dick is always getting it in. Ah!

I didn't realize you were such a womanizer!

Ah! Womanizer? I hardly know her.

Ah! You're a snake, Dick.

Ah! I'll show you a snake, my snake.

Van Smash is hilarious.

I had no idea he had a personality disorder.

So funny!

Sorry I had to whack you, little guy,

but hopefully you got some closure.

Tomorrow, I'll take you to the laundromat

and let you ride around in the dryer.

That always cheers you up.

Will you put a red sock in there with me?

Maybe I'll come out a little pink.

No problem, buddy,

but you're not going to turn pink.

But maybe there's a tiny chance.

Maybe. Get some sleep.

[ Smooches ]

[ Door closes ]

Psych!

I ain't going to sleep...

until Dick pays for what he did.

Sheesh, hope this hit man's better at shooting people

than he is at being on time.

Oh, there you are.

Here it is.

I want him dead.

Consider it done.

Back of the line, buddy.

I just need to check on him.

He kind of freaked out when he saw

Dick with a new girl last night.

I don't think he's awake.

I've been waiting an hour to update the Legman

on the case of the unsolved mystery.

Together: We're meeting Jeannie Gold

to sample pirate cakes.

Something's wrong.

I'm going in. Follow me if you dare.

You came. You're braver than I thought.

Smith, thank God you're home.

Last night, the world's most dangerous assassin

landed in Langley.

He tried to go unnoticed, but he can't get by our boys.

Our best guess is that he's been contracted to kill

Mayor Garfield at his first annual

Mayor's Appreciation Parade.

Want to know how we guessed it?

More photos!

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

I'll head there right away, sir.

No need.

The mayor is safe because Dick is his head of security.

I was just passing by on the way to steal lemons

from the tops of all the farmer's trees.

Okay, Miranda! It's lemon-snatching time!

I don't think Roger is planning on killing the mayor.

He's planning on killing Dick.

Yeah, that was pretty obvious.

That's what I would do.

Well, maybe you will be surprised to learn

that it's up to us to stop him.

Again, totally expected.

Klaus already went downstairs to warm up the car.

[ Cheering ]

Everyone I ever loved is dead!

**

[ Tires squeal ]

How the hell are we going to find Roger?

I have an idea.

[ French accent ] What the hell did I do?

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Line ringing ]

Hello, Mr. CIA. That's right.

I know who you are, but you'll never find me.

Yes, I will.

You shared your phone's location services with me

that time you went roller blading on mushrooms.

Damn it!

Fly.

Lead them to Atlanta.

They'll totally believe I'm in Atlanta.

I've been dying to go.

[ Door opens ]

I'm in Atlanta.

Roger, stop.

Sorry, Mr. CIA.

I was hired to finish job, and I always finish job.

You don't have to do this.

We tricked Dick into dumping you.

What? How?

Klaus Photoshopped a photo

of you cheating on him.

We were annoyed at you for ditching us

just so Becky could be with Dick.

So we did something stupid, but Dick didn't do anything.

Kill me instead!

No, no. Stop that.

Knowing all this, it would seem silly to...

Do it, Rogertilda!

You dumbasses forgot one thing.

Always check for a cage in the air.

Welcome to Atlanta.

Dick!

You look trim.

My secret, no bulletproof vest.

Wait! I changed my mind.

I don't want you to kill him.

You can't change your mind.

I have a strict "no-mind-changing" policy.

But I love him!

And I love my job.

Stop!

You shouldn't have done that.

You don't have to kill Dick.

Yes, I do.

Every persona has a story to tell.

But I don't want my story to end like this.

Raider Dave!

My story ends when I finish my job.

[ Grunting ]

Please!

This ends now.

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

[ Crowd gasping ]

Becky!

Becky, don't die.

I love you.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Dick.

This is how our story ends.

We'll always have Barnacles.

No!

No!

Stay with me, Becky!

Just promise me one thing, Dick.

Promise me you'll mourn me forever

and never love anyone else.

Uh, okay.

And get a face tattoo of my face.

That way, everyone will know you're taken.

Shh.

That's not a yes.

I'm not dying until I hear a...

[ Groans ]

[ Sobs ]

Is anyone else thinking this was Roger's plan all along?

Like, Dick was never in danger?

Yeah. Roger is weird.

What's shaking, blowholes?

You guys want to go to my friend Brandon's funeral?

Dude bit it in an ATV accident.

They're getting a taco truck.

There's going to be tons of chicks there.

I'm down if Bayou Billy With The Heavy Balls is.

Oh, yeah!

Bye. Have a beautiful time!