Original subtitles

Costa Rica is so amazing, Hayles.

And building houses for the poor is super amazing.

I am so bummed I couldn't join you,

but I'm just about to break in to this factory farm

to free the oppressed cows.

My intel says the cows' rights

are totally gonna be violated tomorrow,

so time is of the essence.

You're the real hero, Hayley.

♪ Happy, happy birthday ♪

♪ Your birthday is today ♪

♪ Happy, happy birthday ♪

♪ Enjoy your birthday cake ♪

Whoa, Babe!

This nice family brought you a cake.

What the hell?! You aren't saving animals!

You're at a cool-casual dining spot!

- You don't care about anyone but yourself. - Oh, come on.

I take my birthday off from helping people

and suddenly I "don't care about anyone?"

Wait, your birthday's not for three months.

♪ You lied about your birthday ♪

♪ Give us back our cake ♪

♪ You lied about your birthday ♪

♪ Please go drown in a lake ♪

Babe, why don't we just tell them it was my birthday?

It actually is my birthday.

'Cause I wanted them to sing to me!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Danuta says I don't help people?!

I help people all the time, right?!

Sure, Babe. You helped me get married.

Oh, man.

- My fins are killing me. - _

It took me five hours to scoot to Tuttle's house,

and it turns out he's anti-94!

Is Prop 94 that sex move where the lady

talks into the guy's dong like a microphone?

No, that's "the Vin Scully."

Langley has a law that prohibits vaping

within 500 feet of parks and schools.

But if Prop 94 passes,

it will reduce that to just five feet.

And that's... good?

Of course it is!

Teachers need to vape the most!

Plus, I enjoy vaping by the park,

watching the children play.

Good on you, Klaus.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Hey, would you guys mind helping me out and vote for Prop 94?

You know, since voting's one of those things I can't do

'cause I'm not a citizen?

How are you not a citizen?

You've been here for six Presidents

and four "Tonight Show" hosts.

Well, the CIA kind of put me in a fish body and forgot.

No biggie. Just means I can't vote

or go to airports or buy guns at gun shops.

I can still buy them online, though, and at gun shows

and from shady dudes on Langley Boulevard.

Trust me, I have a lot of guns.

- Hmm... - Are you getting an idea, Babe,

or do you have to fart?

The faces look the same.

Idea. Well, both, really,

but the idea's the only one you'll hear.

I am gonna help Klaus become a citizen.

- That'll show Danuta. - Okay, cool.

Let's do the citizenship thing.

Wait. You've been talking to Danuta?

She told me she was dead!

Who's excited for our trip to the supermarket, gang?!

- I am! - Me, too! - Wowee!

I'm gonna buy freshly-sliced cold cuts from the deli counter.

I'm gonna buy something chilly

from the frozen food aisle.

- Brrr! - Huh.

"Farmers Market."

I wonder what that's all about?

Pass. That's where the farmers shop.

Actually, Dad, farmers markets

are where farmers sell fresh produce directly to the public.

Cutting out the middleman?

The one thing I hate more than farmers

is... middlemen.

It's settled. We're trying the farmers market.

Don't worry about him. Crossing guards

are the middlemen of the streets.

_

I am so pumped to be a citizen.

I've already picked out my new American name...

Ace McNasty.

That's not how this works, Klaus.

Just follow my lead.

One citizenship please.

Helping accomplished.

Mr. Heissler, you speak basic English.

Good. You have the body of a fish,

but the consciousness of a man, so that's fine.

But you've been here illegally for 20 years?!

That's a huge red flag.

Red flag?

Take that commie shit back to China.

I'm all about the stars and stripes, baby.

I know all the words to Kid Rock's version

of "Sweet Home Alabama." I've wanted to see

Criss Angel's Vegas magic act over 50 times.

I've watched all the "American Pie" movies.

Did you know Stifler has a brother?

Two Stiffmeisters?!

I wouldn't want to be those parents.

_

You're in this country illegally.

I'm sorry, sir. Your days are numbered.

And you're a true American hero.

Thank you for snitching on this illegal alien.

I wasn't snitching.

I was helping my friend!

I'm a helpful person!

♪ Happy, happy snitch day ♪

♪ You sold out your friend ♪

♪ Happy, happy snitch day ♪

♪ His time here's near its end ♪

All y'all, get out of here!

Get!

I don't know where they come from.

"Papaya."

That's not a word I say every day.

"Kumquat?" really?

Got a real wiseacre running the fruits here.

Wow. "Kiwis."

Finally someone invented a fruit

that feels like balls shaved exactly a week ago.

What is that?!

Can you guys imagine putting a straw

in one of those things and drinking right out of it?

I'm hearing steel drum music just thinking about it.

An instant vacation.

Excuse me, sir?

We'd like to purchase one of your coco-nuts.

Great! You know, for $1 more,

I could open it up for...

Not so fast with the ripoffs, pal.

- We can open it ourselves. - Yeah.

Remember when we lost 20 bucks

having that guy open our bananas?

Thanks to Hayley's "help,"

I have to go undercover to hide from immigration.

Should I be a silly rabbi or a serious bumblebee?

The costumes cost the same on Amazon.

Sorry about that little setback, Klaus.

But when Hayley Smith says she's gonna help,

she's gonna help.

No! No more helping.

Can't stop helping. Won't stop helping.

I've got a new plan that'll guarantee you citizenship.

You and I are getting married!

But, Babe... aren't we married?

Not anymore!

I went down to the courthouse and got us divorced.

Don't you need my signature for that?

No. I'm your legal guardian.

Oh, yeah.

And Klaus,

I'm your legal wife! I already sent a copy

- of our marriage certificate to immigration. - What?!

The government will never believe we're married!

Look at me! I'm a player for life!

Treat her well, man.

She's a special lady.

Babe... do you remember why I'm crying?

I can't believe you told immigration we're married.

That's fraud!

And not even cool fraud,

like buying a Mercedes hood ornament on Etsy

and gluing it to my Saturn.

They're not gonna deport you, Klaus.

We just need to be convincing in this interview.

Interview?! When?!

Quick, they expect married people

to know everything about each other.

My favorite food is white rice with lots of butter.

Hello, I'm here from the United States Immigration Office

- to discuss your marriage. - We would love

to talk about that at length

and provide supporting documents.

Isn't that right, me love?

Her accents have always delighted me and we're married.

- That's for sure. - Come for to kiss.

Okay, let's start with some easy ones. How old is Hayley?

- 19. - 47.

What is Klaus' favorite kind of music?

- Dixieland jazz? - East Coast hip-hop.

What's Klaus' favorite food?

Ooh! White rice with lots of butter.

- Hot dogs. - What the hell, Klaus?!

I panicked.

Look, I can tell you're nervous,

so I'm gonna cut to the chase.

You're human and you're a fish.

It's weird. We'll continue the process,

but to be honest, I'd prepare for the worst.

Well, I thought this might happen.

Don't worry about me. I'll leave the country.

In fact, I've already rented out my alcove

to a silly rabbi...

Schlomo McHanukkahface.

Dear Lord, thank you for providing us

with this island bounty.

Mahalo.

Hmm. Must be a bad knife.

Another bad knife.

Another bad knife.

- Another bad knife! - Step aside

and let old Frannie work her magic.

I don't get it. That always works with pickle jars.

Out of my way. I got this.

Oh! Ow!

Perhaps we should consult the classic Harry Nilsson song,

"Lime in the Coconut," for tips.

"She put the lime in the coconut, drank 'em both up.

Bellyache. Call the doctor."

He says, "Put the lime in the coconut."

Bullshit! Doesn't say anything about how to open it!

And the doctors cure is the exact same thing

that upset the guy's stomach in the first place.

- What a wackadoo. - Language!

Guys, don't let this coconut drive us nuts.

- That's what it wants. - Wh...

Wh-Wh-What are we gonna do?

How are we gonna open this coconut?!

Well, Klaus, you're being deported

and you cannot take everything.

Goodbye, lanyard from the 1997 AVN Awards.

Goodbye, VHS rewinder in the shape of a Corvette.

That's everything.

And my suitcase is empty.

Goodbye, suitcase.

Keep your suitcase, Klaus.

You again? I have had en...

No one's getting deported.

Hayley? Is that you?

Does this answer your question?

Yes... Yes, it does.

I'll let you two lovebirds talk.

What the hell is happening?!

I went to the CIA and had Dr. Weitzman

put me into a fish body. You know, to make our marriage

more believable to the immigration lady.

- Why didn't you just make me a human?! - Wow.

That would've been a great idea.

If you'd mentioned it to me yesterday!

But you didn't! So now we got to do the married fish thing.

And married fish live in the same bowl.

Wait, where's my deep-sea diver guy?

Oh, I got rid of that old thing to make space for a trash can

so I have somewhere to put the rest of your dumb shit.

Perhaps we should have a conversation

before we throw away things that gave me decades

of companionship and sexual triumphs!

Okay, sorry. Hey, by the way, fish question?

I was napping in the treasure chest yesterday

and all of these little pellets fell out of me.

- Is that normal? - What?!

- Why didn't you tell me you laid eggs?! - Why didn't you tell me

- you jerk it in the treasure chest?! - It's called milting.

It's totally natural and I will not be shamed!

Beautiful children, Babe.

They all have your eyes.

Ah!

I think it just grazed me...

Damn you, coconuuut!

Is it even worth it anymore?

The carnage. The shattered lives.

We all remember how happy that woman looked

when she was drinking from that coconut, don't we?

We want to be like her, don't we?!

- Of course. - What kind of a question is that?!

Then we're gonna have to think outside the box.

We're gonna smoke it out.

This might take some time, so we need to be patient.

Be right back.

Stupid coconut.

_

Ugh, can we go home now?

Doing errands in public makes our fish marriage seem real.

And so does buying a new aquarium.

Did I hear somebody say "Buying a new aquarium?"

That's a real question.

I'm listening to a sound effect CD of a woman vacuuming.

Why, yes. We did say "aquarium."

Now that my husband and I are legally married,

we need to buy one.

Sir, if you truly love your wife,

you won't settle for anything less than the Atlantis.

This one was LeBron's, so it's filled with Sprite right now.

I'm not made of money.

Besides, I'm a 7UP man.

Klaus, this is how helping works.

Well, then I don't want your help.

My life was fine before. You're making it worse!

I am doing this for you, idiot!

You are suffocating me! I can't stand you!

I think I've heard everything I need to hear.

It's obvious you two hate each other,

which means your marriage is definitely real!

Congratulations, sir.

You're gonna be a United States citizen.

It's happening.

I'm gonna be Ace McNasty.

Sign there and there.

Welcome to America.

You have 20 days to become obese.

Honey? Hurry up with the champagne!

I probably shouldn't say this, but to be honest,

I was kind of hoping this was a sham marriage.

I have been thinking about you a lot.

Wait? You're... attracted to me?

Sexually?!

Let's bone, baby!

But... your wife?

What wife? My marriage is a sham.

Not real in the slightest.

- It's go time. - Um.

Actually, I need about 10 minutes for my pill to kick in.

You fell for the oldest trick in the book...

a lie.

You're outta here.

And you're going with him.

Wait, you can't deport me!

I am a U.S. citizen!

Deported-fish-says-what.

- Huh? - You're still going.

- What? - Gotcha!

Freeze!

Wait, if I've got the banana,

that means...

Oh, no...

_

Buenos días, Juan Pablo.

Hola, Señor McNasty.

I made some special guacamole

for my favorite deportee.

Mmm. I'll never figure out

how you get a chest hair in each bite.

My darling Rosita.

You are not the most beautiful prostitute in Mexico,

but you are the most affordable.

And I love that you cut my hair.

_

_

I love it when you talk dirty.

Honey, I'm home with frrresh guaaac!

Shove your guac up your ass, Klaus.

Why are we even here anyway? Shouldn't they have deported you

- to Germany? - You know ICE.

They hear an accent... they assume you're from Mexico.

Well, I'm sick of guac. I'm sick of being a fish.

And I'm very nervous about what Dr. Weitzman

is doing to my human body back at the CIA.

Just gonna take out a little loan

and put a hotel on Park Place.

I can't take it here anymore, Klaus.

You can't see my tears because I'm underwater, but I'm sobbing.

I need to get out of Mexico and back in my body.

Listen, I know a guy in town

who can smuggle us back into the U.S.

He's super chill.

Excuse me, señor?

Gimme all your money, or I'll shoot you

in the [BLEEP] heads.

I-I don't have any.

Maybe we can work out some sort of deal?

Hayley, seduce him.

Show him that crazy hole your eggs come out of.

We're two fish in the middle of the desert.

- We're dead. - Adiós, Meh-hico.

Rosita, you taught me so much about the art of lovemaking.

And you talked me out of that perm.

And guacamole,

- I don't know where to start. - Wait, wait, wait,

Klaus, did you actually like it in Mexico?

Well, if I had to pick,

it'd be in the top...

one place I've ever been.

But you need your real body and your real husband.

Oh, my God.

You didn't want to leave, but you did it for me.

I was helping you to prove Danuto wrong,

but you were helping me because I needed it.

- Thank you, Klaus. - Oh, we're gonna get out of this yet.

You'll see. Ah!

Help!

- Help me! - Oh, no.

Hayley Smith has learned her lesson.

My helping days are over.

Wait, what's that?

It's a truck!

We are saved.

_

There it is... America.

Home of the Bronx Zoo and many other wonderful things.

Including, of course, the amazing

aforementioned Bronx Zoo.

Sir, please step out of the vehicle.

- Quick, hide in the fruit. - But we need water, don't we?

Trust me. I have an idea.

Well, if loving soda was a crime,

this gentleman would be in deep bubbles.

Hey... I should save my best ha-ha's for when I'm feeling blue.

Yeah. I'll put 'em in a notebook

called, "Lem's Gems."

I'm Lem, by the way.

We've exhausted all conventional coconut opening options.

It's time to embrace the Dark Arts.

♪ I am the Mindfreak... Mindfreak... ♪

♪ Mindfreak... ♪

The Criss Angel.

The freakiest magician on the planet.

♪ Are you ready... are you ready... are you ready? ♪

Who's ready to get their minds bloooooown?!

Me, me. I am.

Sir, please inspect the box.

It's solid. No trapdoors.

Nothing underneath. Correct?

It's a regular box, Criss with two S's.

Now let's see what happens when we put a regular coconut

in this regular box.

And slice through it with a regular blade!

Coco-nut!

That's right everybody.

The entire Hayley and Klaus story

took place before the coconut story.

And Hayley and Klaus were inside the coconut

the whole time!

Mindfreeeaaak!

- Wowza. - Holy moly!

Good thing the steamroller didn't work.

Oh, yeah!

Mindfreak, baby!

Mindfreeeaaak!

Off he goes to Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas, where he lives.

And under the terms of his contract,

will die.

But I am happy to be home,

even if I am not a citizen.

You want to be a citizen? Why didn't you ask me?

CIA agents can grant anyone citizenship.

Ace McNasty,

I hereby dub you an American.

Excuse me, has, uh, anybody seen my eyeliner?

I think it fell out of my pocket while I was Mindfreaking.

Bye-bye. See you soon.

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com