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1
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Costa Rica is so amazing, Hayles.
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00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:07,138
And building houses for
the poor is super amazing.
3
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:09,740
I am so bummed I couldn't join you,
4
00:00:09,742 --> 00:00:12,410
but I'm just about to break
in to this factory farm
5
00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:14,412
to free the oppressed cows.
6
00:00:14,414 --> 00:00:16,080
My intel says the cows' rights
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00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,483
are totally gonna be violated tomorrow,
8
00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:20,084
so time is of the essence.
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00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,886
You're the real hero, Hayley.
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♪ Happy, happy birthday ♪
11
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♪ Your birthday is today ♪
12
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♪ Happy, happy birthday ♪
13
00:00:26,559 --> 00:00:28,226
♪ Enjoy your birthday cake ♪
14
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:29,627
Whoa, Babe!
15
00:00:29,629 --> 00:00:31,229
This nice family brought you a cake.
16
00:00:31,231 --> 00:00:34,099
What the hell?!
You aren't saving animals!
17
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:36,168
You're at a cool-casual dining spot!
18
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:39,437
- You don't care about anyone but yourself.
- Oh, come on.
19
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:41,840
I take my birthday off
from helping people
20
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:44,242
and suddenly I
"don't care about anyone?"
21
00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:46,978
Wait, your birthday's
not for three months.
22
00:00:48,648 --> 00:00:50,315
♪ You lied about your birthday ♪
23
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:51,649
♪ Give us back our cake ♪
24
00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:53,051
♪ You lied about your birthday ♪
25
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,719
♪ Please go drown in a lake ♪
26
00:00:56,322 --> 00:00:59,524
Babe, why don't we just tell
them it was my birthday?
27
00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:01,259
It actually is my birthday.
28
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,862
'Cause I wanted them to sing to me!
29
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:09,462
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
30
00:01:09,497 --> 00:01:12,938
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
31
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,940
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
32
00:01:15,942 --> 00:01:20,912
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
33
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
34
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- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
35
00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:29,221
Aah!
36
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:33,859
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
37
00:01:36,163 --> 00:01:38,763
Danuta says I don't help people?!
38
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I help people all the time, right?!
39
00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,901
Sure, Babe. You helped me get married.
40
00:01:43,861 --> 00:01:45,437
Oh, man.
41
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,438
- My fins are killing me.
- _
42
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,041
It took me five hours to
scoot to Tuttle's house,
43
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:52,910
and it turns out he's anti-94!
44
00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:55,179
Is Prop 94 that sex move where the lady
45
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,649
talks into the guy's
dong like a microphone?
46
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:58,983
No, that's "the Vin Scully."
47
00:01:58,985 --> 00:02:00,918
Langley has a law that prohibits vaping
48
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,454
within 500 feet of parks and schools.
49
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:05,123
But if Prop 94 passes,
50
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,193
it will reduce that to just five feet.
51
00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:09,594
And that's... good?
52
00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:10,862
Of course it is!
53
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,930
Teachers need to vape the most!
54
00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:14,932
Plus, I enjoy vaping by the park,
55
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:16,667
watching the children play.
56
00:02:16,669 --> 00:02:17,936
Good on you, Klaus.
57
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,604
Be the change you want
to see in the world.
58
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,407
Hey, would you guys mind helping
me out and vote for Prop 94?
59
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:24,876
You know, since voting's one
of those things I can't do
60
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,144
'cause I'm not a citizen?
61
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,612
How are you not a citizen?
62
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:29,014
You've been here for six Presidents
63
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:30,482
and four "Tonight Show" hosts.
64
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:33,085
Well, the CIA kind of put me
in a fish body and forgot.
65
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:35,087
No biggie. Just means I can't vote
66
00:02:35,089 --> 00:02:38,156
or go to airports or
buy guns at gun shops.
67
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,225
I can still buy them online,
though, and at gun shows
68
00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,227
and from shady dudes
on Langley Boulevard.
69
00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:46,031
Trust me, I have a lot of guns.
70
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,699
- Hmm...
- Are you getting an idea, Babe,
71
00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:50,435
or do you have to fart?
72
00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:51,770
The faces look the same.
73
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,839
Idea. Well, both, really,
74
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,640
but the idea's the only one you'll hear.
75
00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:58,576
I am gonna help Klaus become a citizen.
76
00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:00,245
- That'll show Danuta.
- Okay, cool.
77
00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,713
Let's do the citizenship thing.
78
00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:04,583
Wait. You've been talking to Danuta?
79
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,818
She told me she was dead!
80
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:13,012
Who's excited for our trip
to the supermarket, gang?!
81
00:03:13,014 --> 00:03:15,214
- I am! - Me, too!
- Wowee!
82
00:03:15,216 --> 00:03:18,617
I'm gonna buy freshly-sliced
cold cuts from the deli counter.
83
00:03:18,619 --> 00:03:19,885
I'm gonna buy something chilly
84
00:03:19,887 --> 00:03:21,420
from the frozen food aisle.
85
00:03:21,422 --> 00:03:23,355
- Brrr!
- Huh.
86
00:03:23,357 --> 00:03:24,757
"Farmers Market."
87
00:03:24,759 --> 00:03:26,158
I wonder what that's all about?
88
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,761
Pass. That's where the farmers shop.
89
00:03:28,763 --> 00:03:30,763
Actually, Dad, farmers markets
90
00:03:30,765 --> 00:03:33,966
are where farmers sell fresh
produce directly to the public.
91
00:03:35,102 --> 00:03:36,569
Cutting out the middleman?
92
00:03:36,571 --> 00:03:38,971
The one thing I hate more than farmers
93
00:03:38,973 --> 00:03:41,240
is... middlemen.
94
00:03:41,242 --> 00:03:43,775
It's settled.
We're trying the farmers market.
95
00:03:45,446 --> 00:03:47,313
Don't worry about him. Crossing guards
96
00:03:47,315 --> 00:03:49,395
are the middlemen of the streets.
97
00:03:50,079 --> 00:03:51,619
_
98
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,253
I am so pumped to be a citizen.
99
00:03:54,255 --> 00:03:56,890
I've already picked out
my new American name...
100
00:03:56,917 --> 00:03:58,925
Ace McNasty.
101
00:03:58,927 --> 00:04:00,860
That's not how this works, Klaus.
102
00:04:00,862 --> 00:04:02,528
Just follow my lead.
103
00:04:02,530 --> 00:04:04,797
One citizenship please.
104
00:04:04,799 --> 00:04:06,399
Helping accomplished.
105
00:04:06,401 --> 00:04:09,735
Mr. Heissler, you speak basic English.
106
00:04:09,737 --> 00:04:11,337
Good. You have the body of a fish,
107
00:04:11,339 --> 00:04:14,273
but the consciousness of a man,
so that's fine.
108
00:04:14,275 --> 00:04:17,610
But you've been here
illegally for 20 years?!
109
00:04:17,612 --> 00:04:19,145
That's a huge red flag.
110
00:04:19,147 --> 00:04:20,279
Red flag?
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00:04:20,281 --> 00:04:22,949
Take that commie shit back to China.
112
00:04:22,951 --> 00:04:25,551
I'm all about
the stars and stripes, baby.
113
00:04:25,553 --> 00:04:27,887
I know all the words
to Kid Rock's version
114
00:04:27,889 --> 00:04:30,289
of "Sweet Home Alabama."
I've wanted to see
115
00:04:30,291 --> 00:04:33,426
Criss Angel's Vegas
magic act over 50 times.
116
00:04:33,428 --> 00:04:36,028
I've watched all the
"American Pie" movies.
117
00:04:36,030 --> 00:04:37,830
Did you know Stifler has a brother?
118
00:04:37,832 --> 00:04:40,098
Two Stiffmeisters?!
119
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,213
I wouldn't want to be those parents.
120
00:04:42,753 --> 00:04:43,770
_
121
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You're in this country illegally.
122
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,907
I'm sorry, sir. Your days are numbered.
123
00:04:48,909 --> 00:04:52,244
And you're a true American hero.
124
00:04:52,246 --> 00:04:55,381
Thank you for snitching
on this illegal alien.
125
00:04:55,383 --> 00:04:56,849
I wasn't snitching.
126
00:04:56,851 --> 00:04:58,384
I was helping my friend!
127
00:04:58,386 --> 00:04:59,985
I'm a helpful person!
128
00:04:59,987 --> 00:05:01,253
♪ Happy, happy snitch day ♪
129
00:05:01,255 --> 00:05:02,922
♪ You sold out your friend ♪
130
00:05:02,924 --> 00:05:04,190
♪ Happy, happy snitch day ♪
131
00:05:04,192 --> 00:05:06,124
♪ His time here's near its end ♪
132
00:05:06,126 --> 00:05:07,460
All y'all, get out of here!
133
00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:08,928
Get!
134
00:05:08,930 --> 00:05:11,197
I don't know where they come from.
135
00:05:13,935 --> 00:05:15,334
"Papaya."
136
00:05:15,336 --> 00:05:17,537
That's not a word I say every day.
137
00:05:17,539 --> 00:05:19,805
"Kumquat?" really?
138
00:05:19,807 --> 00:05:21,941
Got a real wiseacre
running the fruits here.
139
00:05:21,943 --> 00:05:24,210
Wow. "Kiwis."
140
00:05:24,212 --> 00:05:26,011
Finally someone invented a fruit
141
00:05:26,013 --> 00:05:29,615
that feels like balls
shaved exactly a week ago.
142
00:05:30,702 --> 00:05:32,551
What is that?!
143
00:05:34,422 --> 00:05:37,223
Can you guys imagine putting a straw
144
00:05:37,225 --> 00:05:40,292
in one of those things and
drinking right out of it?
145
00:05:40,294 --> 00:05:43,429
I'm hearing steel drum music
just thinking about it.
146
00:05:43,431 --> 00:05:45,898
An instant vacation.
147
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:47,233
Excuse me, sir?
148
00:05:47,235 --> 00:05:49,969
We'd like to purchase
one of your coco-nuts.
149
00:05:49,971 --> 00:05:51,971
Great! You know, for $1 more,
150
00:05:51,973 --> 00:05:53,238
I could open it up for...
151
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,107
Not so fast with the ripoffs, pal.
152
00:05:55,109 --> 00:05:57,109
- We can open it ourselves.
- Yeah.
153
00:05:57,111 --> 00:05:58,845
Remember when we lost 20 bucks
154
00:05:58,847 --> 00:06:01,214
having that guy open our bananas?
155
00:06:04,118 --> 00:06:05,518
Thanks to Hayley's "help,"
156
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:09,188
I have to go undercover
to hide from immigration.
157
00:06:09,190 --> 00:06:12,592
Should I be a silly rabbi
or a serious bumblebee?
158
00:06:12,594 --> 00:06:14,834
The costumes cost the same on Amazon.
159
00:06:15,463 --> 00:06:17,396
Sorry about that little setback, Klaus.
160
00:06:17,398 --> 00:06:19,999
But when Hayley Smith
says she's gonna help,
161
00:06:20,001 --> 00:06:21,266
she's gonna help.
162
00:06:21,268 --> 00:06:23,001
No! No more helping.
163
00:06:23,003 --> 00:06:24,736
Can't stop helping. Won't stop helping.
164
00:06:24,738 --> 00:06:27,473
I've got a new plan that'll
guarantee you citizenship.
165
00:06:27,475 --> 00:06:30,075
You and I are getting married!
166
00:06:30,077 --> 00:06:33,212
But, Babe... aren't we married?
167
00:06:33,214 --> 00:06:34,480
Not anymore!
168
00:06:34,482 --> 00:06:36,949
I went down to the courthouse
and got us divorced.
169
00:06:36,951 --> 00:06:39,018
Don't you need my signature for that?
170
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:40,486
No. I'm your legal guardian.
171
00:06:40,488 --> 00:06:41,887
Oh, yeah.
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00:06:41,889 --> 00:06:43,156
And Klaus,
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00:06:43,158 --> 00:06:46,358
I'm your legal wife!
I already sent a copy
174
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,961
- of our marriage certificate to immigration.
- What?!
175
00:06:48,963 --> 00:06:51,497
The government will never
believe we're married!
176
00:06:51,499 --> 00:06:54,700
Look at me! I'm a player for life!
177
00:06:54,702 --> 00:06:56,035
Treat her well, man.
178
00:06:56,037 --> 00:06:57,870
She's a special lady.
179
00:07:14,388 --> 00:07:18,925
Babe... do you remember why I'm crying?
180
00:07:21,146 --> 00:07:23,747
I can't believe you told
immigration we're married.
181
00:07:23,749 --> 00:07:24,948
That's fraud!
182
00:07:24,950 --> 00:07:26,483
And not even cool fraud,
183
00:07:26,485 --> 00:07:28,752
like buying a Mercedes
hood ornament on Etsy
184
00:07:28,754 --> 00:07:30,153
and gluing it to my Saturn.
185
00:07:30,155 --> 00:07:31,622
They're not gonna deport you, Klaus.
186
00:07:31,624 --> 00:07:34,091
We just need to be
convincing in this interview.
187
00:07:34,093 --> 00:07:35,809
Interview?! When?!
188
00:07:36,495 --> 00:07:38,027
Quick, they expect married people
189
00:07:38,029 --> 00:07:39,563
to know everything about each other.
190
00:07:39,565 --> 00:07:43,300
My favorite food is white
rice with lots of butter.
191
00:07:43,302 --> 00:07:45,635
Hello, I'm here from the United
States Immigration Office
192
00:07:45,637 --> 00:07:48,105
- to discuss your marriage.
- We would love
193
00:07:48,107 --> 00:07:49,706
to talk about that at length
194
00:07:49,708 --> 00:07:52,309
and provide supporting documents.
195
00:07:52,531 --> 00:07:54,044
Isn't that right, me love?
196
00:07:54,046 --> 00:07:56,579
Her accents have always
delighted me and we're married.
197
00:07:56,581 --> 00:07:59,449
- That's for sure.
- Come for to kiss.
198
00:08:01,453 --> 00:08:04,521
Okay, let's start with some easy ones.
How old is Hayley?
199
00:08:04,523 --> 00:08:06,923
- 19.
- 47.
200
00:08:06,925 --> 00:08:09,259
What is Klaus' favorite kind of music?
201
00:08:09,261 --> 00:08:12,129
- Dixieland jazz?
- East Coast hip-hop.
202
00:08:12,131 --> 00:08:13,530
What's Klaus' favorite food?
203
00:08:13,532 --> 00:08:15,398
Ooh! White rice with lots of butter.
204
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,334
- Hot dogs.
- What the hell, Klaus?!
205
00:08:17,336 --> 00:08:19,069
I panicked.
206
00:08:19,071 --> 00:08:20,470
Look, I can tell you're nervous,
207
00:08:20,472 --> 00:08:22,139
so I'm gonna cut to the chase.
208
00:08:22,141 --> 00:08:24,141
You're human and you're a fish.
209
00:08:24,143 --> 00:08:26,076
It's weird. We'll continue the process,
210
00:08:26,078 --> 00:08:28,412
but to be honest,
I'd prepare for the worst.
211
00:08:28,414 --> 00:08:30,614
Well, I thought this might happen.
212
00:08:30,616 --> 00:08:33,550
Don't worry about me.
I'll leave the country.
213
00:08:33,552 --> 00:08:35,952
In fact,
I've already rented out my alcove
214
00:08:35,954 --> 00:08:37,221
to a silly rabbi...
215
00:08:37,223 --> 00:08:39,323
Schlomo McHanukkahface.
216
00:08:42,961 --> 00:08:45,161
Dear Lord, thank you for providing us
217
00:08:45,163 --> 00:08:46,763
with this island bounty.
218
00:08:46,765 --> 00:08:49,233
Mahalo.
219
00:08:49,235 --> 00:08:52,035
Hmm. Must be a bad knife.
220
00:08:52,037 --> 00:08:54,037
Another bad knife.
221
00:08:54,039 --> 00:08:56,372
Another bad knife.
222
00:08:56,374 --> 00:08:59,376
- Another bad knife!
- Step aside
223
00:08:59,378 --> 00:09:01,912
and let old Frannie work her magic.
224
00:09:03,315 --> 00:09:06,116
I don't get it.
That always works with pickle jars.
225
00:09:06,118 --> 00:09:08,185
Out of my way. I got this.
226
00:09:09,121 --> 00:09:10,787
Oh! Ow!
227
00:09:10,789 --> 00:09:13,857
Perhaps we should consult the
classic Harry Nilsson song,
228
00:09:13,859 --> 00:09:16,185
"Lime in the Coconut," for tips.
229
00:09:16,261 --> 00:09:19,996
"She put the lime in the coconut,
drank 'em both up.
230
00:09:19,998 --> 00:09:21,598
Bellyache. Call the doctor."
231
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,533
He says, "Put the lime in the coconut."
232
00:09:23,535 --> 00:09:26,270
Bullshit! Doesn't say
anything about how to open it!
233
00:09:26,272 --> 00:09:28,539
And the doctors cure
is the exact same thing
234
00:09:28,541 --> 00:09:30,874
that upset the guy's
stomach in the first place.
235
00:09:30,876 --> 00:09:33,410
- What a wackadoo.
- Language!
236
00:09:33,412 --> 00:09:36,813
Guys, don't let this coconut
drive us nuts.
237
00:09:36,815 --> 00:09:38,148
- That's what it wants.
- Wh...
238
00:09:38,150 --> 00:09:39,683
Wh-Wh-What are we gonna do?
239
00:09:39,685 --> 00:09:41,952
How are we gonna open this coconut?!
240
00:09:46,225 --> 00:09:48,225
Well, Klaus, you're being deported
241
00:09:48,227 --> 00:09:50,293
and you cannot take everything.
242
00:09:50,295 --> 00:09:54,832
Goodbye, lanyard
from the 1997 AVN Awards.
243
00:09:54,834 --> 00:09:59,169
Goodbye, VHS rewinder
in the shape of a Corvette.
244
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,638
That's everything.
245
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,907
And my suitcase is empty.
246
00:10:03,909 --> 00:10:06,109
Goodbye, suitcase.
247
00:10:06,111 --> 00:10:07,778
Keep your suitcase, Klaus.
248
00:10:07,780 --> 00:10:10,514
You again? I have had en...
249
00:10:10,516 --> 00:10:12,649
No one's getting deported.
250
00:10:12,651 --> 00:10:14,651
Hayley? Is that you?
251
00:10:14,653 --> 00:10:17,120
Does this answer your question?
252
00:10:18,857 --> 00:10:22,126
Yes... Yes, it does.
253
00:10:22,128 --> 00:10:24,327
I'll let you two lovebirds talk.
254
00:10:27,533 --> 00:10:29,265
What the hell is happening?!
255
00:10:29,267 --> 00:10:31,402
I went to the CIA and had Dr. Weitzman
256
00:10:31,404 --> 00:10:33,803
put me into a fish body.
You know, to make our marriage
257
00:10:33,805 --> 00:10:35,605
more believable to the immigration lady.
258
00:10:35,607 --> 00:10:38,208
- Why didn't you just make me a human?!
- Wow.
259
00:10:38,210 --> 00:10:39,743
That would've been a great idea.
260
00:10:39,745 --> 00:10:41,878
If you'd mentioned it to me yesterday!
261
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:45,682
But you didn't! So now we got
to do the married fish thing.
262
00:10:45,684 --> 00:10:48,619
And married fish live in the same bowl.
263
00:10:48,621 --> 00:10:51,088
Wait, where's my deep-sea diver guy?
264
00:10:51,090 --> 00:10:53,823
Oh, I got rid of that old thing
to make space for a trash can
265
00:10:53,825 --> 00:10:56,092
so I have somewhere to put
the rest of your dumb shit.
266
00:10:56,094 --> 00:10:58,095
Perhaps we should have a conversation
267
00:10:58,097 --> 00:11:00,497
before we throw away
things that gave me decades
268
00:11:00,499 --> 00:11:02,699
of companionship and sexual triumphs!
269
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:06,503
Okay, sorry.
Hey, by the way, fish question?
270
00:11:06,505 --> 00:11:08,372
I was napping in the
treasure chest yesterday
271
00:11:08,374 --> 00:11:10,240
and all of these little
pellets fell out of me.
272
00:11:10,242 --> 00:11:12,108
- Is that normal?
- What?!
273
00:11:14,046 --> 00:11:17,247
- Why didn't you tell me you laid eggs?!
- Why didn't you tell me
274
00:11:17,249 --> 00:11:20,717
- you jerk it in the treasure chest?!
- It's called milting.
275
00:11:20,719 --> 00:11:23,675
It's totally natural and
I will not be shamed!
276
00:11:24,656 --> 00:11:26,923
Beautiful children, Babe.
277
00:11:26,925 --> 00:11:29,326
They all have your eyes.
278
00:11:42,057 --> 00:11:43,106
Ah!
279
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,743
I think it just grazed me...
280
00:11:47,079 --> 00:11:50,480
Damn you, coconuuut!
281
00:11:54,153 --> 00:11:55,885
Is it even worth it anymore?
282
00:11:55,887 --> 00:11:58,570
The carnage. The shattered lives.
283
00:11:59,225 --> 00:12:01,357
We all remember how
happy that woman looked
284
00:12:01,359 --> 00:12:03,560
when she was drinking
from that coconut, don't we?
285
00:12:03,562 --> 00:12:04,962
We want to be like her, don't we?!
286
00:12:04,964 --> 00:12:06,964
- Of course.
- What kind of a question is that?!
287
00:12:06,966 --> 00:12:09,633
Then we're gonna have to
think outside the box.
288
00:12:11,437 --> 00:12:12,969
We're gonna smoke it out.
289
00:12:12,971 --> 00:12:15,606
This might take some time,
so we need to be patient.
290
00:12:17,643 --> 00:12:18,930
Be right back.
291
00:12:31,190 --> 00:12:32,606
Stupid coconut.
292
00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:37,796
_
293
00:12:37,797 --> 00:12:39,530
Ugh, can we go home now?
294
00:12:39,532 --> 00:12:42,732
Doing errands in public makes
our fish marriage seem real.
295
00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:44,601
And so does buying a new aquarium.
296
00:12:44,603 --> 00:12:47,871
Did I hear somebody say
"Buying a new aquarium?"
297
00:12:47,873 --> 00:12:49,072
That's a real question.
298
00:12:49,074 --> 00:12:52,008
I'm listening to a sound
effect CD of a woman vacuuming.
299
00:12:52,010 --> 00:12:54,478
Why, yes. We did say "aquarium."
300
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,413
Now that my husband and
I are legally married,
301
00:12:57,415 --> 00:12:59,216
we need to buy one.
302
00:12:59,218 --> 00:13:01,551
Sir, if you truly love your wife,
303
00:13:01,553 --> 00:13:04,220
you won't settle for anything
less than the Atlantis.
304
00:13:04,222 --> 00:13:07,491
This one was LeBron's,
so it's filled with Sprite right now.
305
00:13:07,493 --> 00:13:09,493
I'm not made of money.
306
00:13:09,495 --> 00:13:11,428
Besides, I'm a 7UP man.
307
00:13:11,430 --> 00:13:13,764
Klaus, this is how helping works.
308
00:13:13,766 --> 00:13:15,766
Well, then I don't want your help.
309
00:13:15,768 --> 00:13:18,769
My life was fine before.
You're making it worse!
310
00:13:18,771 --> 00:13:20,838
I am doing this for you, idiot!
311
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,240
You are suffocating me!
I can't stand you!
312
00:13:24,242 --> 00:13:26,956
I think I've heard
everything I need to hear.
313
00:13:27,746 --> 00:13:29,780
It's obvious you two hate each other,
314
00:13:29,782 --> 00:13:34,184
which means your marriage
is definitely real!
315
00:13:34,186 --> 00:13:35,919
Congratulations, sir.
316
00:13:35,921 --> 00:13:38,055
You're gonna be a United States citizen.
317
00:13:38,057 --> 00:13:39,256
It's happening.
318
00:13:39,258 --> 00:13:42,359
I'm gonna be Ace McNasty.
319
00:13:44,797 --> 00:13:47,765
Sign there and there.
320
00:13:49,468 --> 00:13:50,800
Welcome to America.
321
00:13:50,802 --> 00:13:52,669
You have 20 days to become obese.
322
00:13:52,671 --> 00:13:55,405
Honey? Hurry up with the champagne!
323
00:13:55,407 --> 00:13:58,609
I probably shouldn't say this,
but to be honest,
324
00:13:58,611 --> 00:14:02,412
I was kind of hoping
this was a sham marriage.
325
00:14:02,414 --> 00:14:04,681
I have been thinking about you a lot.
326
00:14:04,683 --> 00:14:07,885
Wait? You're... attracted to me?
327
00:14:07,887 --> 00:14:09,286
Sexually?!
328
00:14:09,288 --> 00:14:11,354
Let's bone, baby!
329
00:14:11,356 --> 00:14:14,357
But... your wife?
330
00:14:14,359 --> 00:14:16,760
What wife? My marriage is a sham.
331
00:14:16,762 --> 00:14:18,629
Not real in the slightest.
332
00:14:18,631 --> 00:14:20,164
- It's go time.
- Um.
333
00:14:20,166 --> 00:14:22,966
Actually, I need about 10
minutes for my pill to kick in.
334
00:14:24,172 --> 00:14:27,370
You fell
for the oldest trick in the book...
335
00:14:27,372 --> 00:14:29,439
a lie.
336
00:14:29,441 --> 00:14:31,175
You're outta here.
337
00:14:31,177 --> 00:14:32,509
And you're going with him.
338
00:14:32,511 --> 00:14:33,844
Wait, you can't deport me!
339
00:14:33,846 --> 00:14:35,245
I am a U.S. citizen!
340
00:14:35,247 --> 00:14:36,446
Deported-fish-says-what.
341
00:14:36,448 --> 00:14:38,382
- Huh?
- You're still going.
342
00:14:38,384 --> 00:14:39,527
- What?
- Gotcha!
343
00:14:40,252 --> 00:14:41,918
Freeze!
344
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,321
Wait, if I've got the banana,
345
00:14:44,323 --> 00:14:46,123
that means...
346
00:14:46,125 --> 00:14:48,258
Oh, no...
347
00:14:52,515 --> 00:14:54,669
_
348
00:14:55,425 --> 00:14:58,693
Buenos días, Juan Pablo.
349
00:14:58,695 --> 00:15:00,762
Hola, Señor McNasty.
350
00:15:00,764 --> 00:15:03,364
I made some special guacamole
351
00:15:03,366 --> 00:15:06,701
for my favorite deportee.
352
00:15:06,703 --> 00:15:08,903
Mmm. I'll never figure out
353
00:15:08,905 --> 00:15:11,972
how you get a chest hair in each bite.
354
00:15:11,974 --> 00:15:14,041
My darling Rosita.
355
00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:17,512
You are not the most beautiful
prostitute in Mexico,
356
00:15:17,514 --> 00:15:19,981
but you are the most affordable.
357
00:15:19,983 --> 00:15:22,517
And I love that you cut my hair.
358
00:15:22,518 --> 00:15:24,009
_
359
00:15:24,044 --> 00:15:26,715
_
360
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:29,924
I love it when you talk dirty.
361
00:15:34,931 --> 00:15:39,534
Honey, I'm home with frrresh guaaac!
362
00:15:39,536 --> 00:15:42,203
Shove your guac up your ass, Klaus.
363
00:15:42,205 --> 00:15:44,338
Why are we even here anyway?
Shouldn't they have deported you
364
00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:46,207
- to Germany?
- You know ICE.
365
00:15:46,209 --> 00:15:49,010
They hear an accent...
they assume you're from Mexico.
366
00:15:49,012 --> 00:15:51,812
Well, I'm sick of guac.
I'm sick of being a fish.
367
00:15:51,814 --> 00:15:54,081
And I'm very nervous
about what Dr. Weitzman
368
00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,951
is doing to my human
body back at the CIA.
369
00:15:56,953 --> 00:15:59,954
Just gonna take out a little loan
370
00:15:59,956 --> 00:16:02,791
and put a hotel on Park Place.
371
00:16:08,364 --> 00:16:11,032
I can't take it here anymore, Klaus.
372
00:16:11,034 --> 00:16:15,102
You can't see my tears because
I'm underwater, but I'm sobbing.
373
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:19,774
I need to get out of
Mexico and back in my body.
374
00:16:21,243 --> 00:16:22,843
Listen, I know a guy in town
375
00:16:22,845 --> 00:16:25,179
who can smuggle us back into the U.S.
376
00:16:25,181 --> 00:16:27,381
He's super chill.
377
00:16:31,987 --> 00:16:34,121
Excuse me, señor?
378
00:16:35,791 --> 00:16:37,325
Gimme all your money, or I'll shoot you
379
00:16:37,327 --> 00:16:38,526
in the [BLEEP] heads.
380
00:16:38,528 --> 00:16:39,861
I-I don't have any.
381
00:16:39,863 --> 00:16:42,997
Maybe we can work out some sort of deal?
382
00:16:42,999 --> 00:16:44,732
Hayley, seduce him.
383
00:16:44,734 --> 00:16:47,869
Show him that crazy hole
your eggs come out of.
384
00:16:51,942 --> 00:16:54,542
We're two fish in the
middle of the desert.
385
00:16:54,544 --> 00:16:58,212
- We're dead.
- Adiós, Meh-hico.
386
00:16:58,214 --> 00:17:02,951
Rosita, you taught me so much
about the art of lovemaking.
387
00:17:02,953 --> 00:17:06,287
And you talked me out of that perm.
388
00:17:06,289 --> 00:17:07,822
And guacamole,
389
00:17:07,824 --> 00:17:10,692
- I don't know where to start.
- Wait, wait, wait,
390
00:17:10,694 --> 00:17:14,295
Klaus, did you actually
like it in Mexico?
391
00:17:14,297 --> 00:17:16,630
Well, if I had to pick,
392
00:17:16,632 --> 00:17:18,365
it'd be in the top...
393
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:20,235
one place I've ever been.
394
00:17:20,237 --> 00:17:23,638
But you need your real
body and your real husband.
395
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,106
Oh, my God.
396
00:17:25,108 --> 00:17:28,309
You didn't want to leave,
but you did it for me.
397
00:17:28,311 --> 00:17:30,644
I was helping you to prove Danuto wrong,
398
00:17:30,646 --> 00:17:33,848
but you were helping
me because I needed it.
399
00:17:35,585 --> 00:17:39,454
- Thank you, Klaus.
- Oh, we're gonna get out of this yet.
400
00:17:39,456 --> 00:17:41,122
You'll see. Ah!
401
00:17:41,888 --> 00:17:43,124
Help!
402
00:17:43,126 --> 00:17:45,126
- Help me!
- Oh, no.
403
00:17:45,128 --> 00:17:46,995
Hayley Smith has learned her lesson.
404
00:17:46,997 --> 00:17:49,052
My helping days are over.
405
00:17:49,866 --> 00:17:52,467
Wait, what's that?
406
00:17:52,469 --> 00:17:53,594
It's a truck!
407
00:17:54,004 --> 00:17:56,104
We are saved.
408
00:17:57,122 --> 00:17:59,458
_
409
00:17:59,609 --> 00:18:01,409
There it is... America.
410
00:18:01,411 --> 00:18:05,079
Home of the Bronx Zoo and
many other wonderful things.
411
00:18:05,081 --> 00:18:06,881
Including, of course, the amazing
412
00:18:06,883 --> 00:18:09,284
aforementioned Bronx Zoo.
413
00:18:10,353 --> 00:18:12,887
Sir, please step out of the vehicle.
414
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,827
- Quick, hide in the fruit.
- But we need water, don't we?
415
00:18:19,829 --> 00:18:22,263
Trust me. I have an idea.
416
00:18:24,434 --> 00:18:26,367
Well, if loving soda was a crime,
417
00:18:26,369 --> 00:18:29,370
this gentleman would be in deep bubbles.
418
00:18:30,627 --> 00:18:35,242
Hey... I should save my best ha-ha's
for when I'm feeling blue.
419
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:37,311
Yeah. I'll put 'em in a notebook
420
00:18:37,313 --> 00:18:39,380
called, "Lem's Gems."
421
00:18:39,382 --> 00:18:41,549
I'm Lem, by the way.
422
00:18:43,853 --> 00:18:48,122
We've exhausted all conventional
coconut opening options.
423
00:18:48,124 --> 00:18:51,059
It's time to embrace the Dark Arts.
424
00:18:51,061 --> 00:18:54,862
♪ I am the Mindfreak... Mindfreak... ♪
425
00:18:54,864 --> 00:18:56,531
♪ Mindfreak... ♪
426
00:18:56,533 --> 00:18:58,999
The Criss Angel.
427
00:18:59,001 --> 00:19:01,936
The freakiest magician on the planet.
428
00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:06,674
♪ Are you ready...
are you ready... are you ready? ♪
429
00:19:06,676 --> 00:19:11,746
Who's ready to
get their minds bloooooown?!
430
00:19:11,748 --> 00:19:13,681
Me, me. I am.
431
00:19:15,886 --> 00:19:19,020
Sir, please inspect the box.
432
00:19:19,022 --> 00:19:21,156
It's solid. No trapdoors.
433
00:19:21,158 --> 00:19:23,024
Nothing underneath. Correct?
434
00:19:25,162 --> 00:19:27,561
It's a regular box, Criss with two S's.
435
00:19:27,563 --> 00:19:31,298
Now let's see what happens
when we put a regular coconut
436
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,300
in this regular box.
437
00:19:35,963 --> 00:19:38,840
And slice through it
with a regular blade!
438
00:19:50,547 --> 00:19:53,454
Coco-nut!
439
00:19:53,456 --> 00:19:55,055
That's right everybody.
440
00:19:55,057 --> 00:19:57,125
The entire Hayley and Klaus story
441
00:19:57,127 --> 00:20:00,395
took place before the coconut story.
442
00:20:00,397 --> 00:20:03,998
And Hayley and Klaus
were inside the coconut
443
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,800
the whole time!
444
00:20:05,802 --> 00:20:09,737
Mindfreeeaaak!
445
00:20:09,739 --> 00:20:11,338
- Wowza.
- Holy moly!
446
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,407
Good thing the steamroller didn't work.
447
00:20:13,409 --> 00:20:15,876
Oh, yeah!
448
00:20:15,878 --> 00:20:17,812
Mindfreak, baby!
449
00:20:21,551 --> 00:20:25,286
Mindfreeeaaak!
450
00:20:25,288 --> 00:20:29,356
Off he goes to Planet Hollywood
in Las Vegas, where he lives.
451
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:32,493
And under the terms of his contract,
452
00:20:32,495 --> 00:20:33,761
will die.
453
00:20:33,763 --> 00:20:35,963
But I am happy to be home,
454
00:20:35,965 --> 00:20:38,032
even if I am not a citizen.
455
00:20:38,034 --> 00:20:40,034
You want to be a citizen?
Why didn't you ask me?
456
00:20:40,036 --> 00:20:42,770
CIA agents can grant anyone citizenship.
457
00:20:42,772 --> 00:20:44,572
Ace McNasty,
458
00:20:44,574 --> 00:20:47,242
I hereby dub you an American.
459
00:20:49,246 --> 00:20:52,180
Excuse me, has, uh,
anybody seen my eyeliner?
460
00:20:52,182 --> 00:20:55,516
I think it fell out of my
pocket while I was Mindfreaking.
461
00:20:55,518 --> 00:20:57,252
Bye-bye. See you soon.
462
00:20:59,417 --> 00:21:01,439
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
34141
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