Original subtitles

You unlock this door with the key of imagination.

Beyond it is another dimension-

a dimension of sound,

a dimension of sight,

a dimension of mind.

You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance,

of things and ideas.

You've just crossed over into the twilight zone.

Yes, sir, we'll get that information to you

as quickly as possible.

I understand.

Supervisor's office.

It's cape kennedy.

I'm sorry, colonel.

We're still trying to get agnes working.

Call us tomorrow.

Yes, sir.

Yes, mr. Secretary.

The minute the machine is back in shape.

Good-bye, sir.

Why hasn't elwood gotten here?

He's on his way.

Well, thank heaven for small favors.

Good morning, sir.

Elwood, something urgent has come up

and i need your help. Yes, sir.

Agnes has broken down completely.

We've checked her thoroughly.

We can't seem to locate the trouble.

Probably her subroutines need debugging.

That's what i want you to find out.

Suppose we take a look.

Fred.

All week.

Day and night.

No sleep, no food.

I've tried everything... everything.

It's all right, fred, it's all right.

Are you taking over agnes?

What happened, fred?

Why don't you see for yourself!

That'll get you nowhere.

Press all her buttons from now to doomsday.

That's not going to help you.

She's been out of her mind for a week.

I tell you, nothing's going to help.

Go on, press 'em, press 'em!

Remarkable.

State the first prime number

larger than the 17th root

of 9,000,355,126,606.

That's right.

Congratulations, elwood.

You did it, you did it.

You really think you did it, don't you?

No, agnes did it.

Agnes.

Watch out for that female.

Look out for that femme fatale.

James elwood, master programmer.

In charge of mark 502-741, commonly known as agnes,

the world's most advanced electronic computer.

Machines are made by men for man's benefit and progress.

But when man ceases to control

the products of his ingenuity and imagination

he not only risks losing the benefit...

he takes a long and unpredictable step

into the twilight zone.

Indicate maximum permissible velocity

of the stated aerodynamic missile.

Millie!

Here are the latest statistics, mr. Elwood.

Thank you.

Did you hear about my newest assignment?

Yes, of course. Congratulations.

She's the greatest brain of the century.

She beat the world's chess champion four games out of five.

She's the foremost expert on missile ballistics.

She can solve logistics problems in less than a millisecond flat.

Of course, i tell her what to do.

Oh, how satisfying for you, mr. Elwood.

Say, millie...

um, uh, could you, uh, could we,

could you have lunch with me sometime?

Oh, why, thank you, mr. Elwood.

I, i really must be getting back now.

Uh, millie?

Why don't you call me jim?

All right... jim.

She called me jim.

Hello, millie.

Uh...

half chocolate-covered cherries, half marshmallows.

Oh, how sweet of you

but i started my diet today.

No lunches either.

How about dinner?

There's a lecture on thermodynamics tonight.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

Yeah, i'll let you know later.

Oh, jim?

Be sure and get a refund.

Hello, mr. Elwood.

Are you on a diet?

Me?

Not tonight.

Tomorrow night?

About 7:00?

Oh, thank you, millie.

Good-bye.

There's no lecture tomorrow night.

Where can i take her after dinner?

Planetarium.

She's been there.

State magnitude of radiative correction.

I have stated the problem.

State magnitude of radiative correction.

Answer, please.

I've asked an important question.

Stick to the subject.

Listen, you may be an oracle of wisdom

when it comes to atoms, rockets and missiles,

but i don't need an electronic brain to advise me.

All right.

Tell me where to take millie after dinner tomorrow night.

No!

From me?

Millie's not that kind of a girl.

Are you sure?

The interpretation is that einstein's theory of relativity

does not postulate the universe as infinite

but as a closed system of a spherical type.

Millie?

Here i am, jim.

Did you get that?

Millie, i can't read this chapter to you

without proper lighting.

Couldn't we have some music, jim?

Well, sure, if you like, but i thought we might

compare notes on borstein's treatise on einstein's theory.

Hmm?

Forget einstein and the universe.

Your universe is here with me.

Now, stand up.

Come on, stand up.

Dance, eh?

Listen to that music.

I used to play trombone in high school.

Really?

Father played the tuba.

Confess you feel something strange.

Yes, i do.

You know why?

Yes, i have a sore toe.

Oh, you're impossible.

I'm sorry, millie.

I, i, i wasn't thinking.

Uh, champagne, huh?

Elwood!

You're an idiot. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, i'll get a towel.

Don't bother, you've done enough already.

Thank you for dinner, i'll see you tomorrow.

Good night!

Millie, i'm sorry...

let me explain...

consider series of real numbers arranged in order of magnitude.

What?

Oh, oh, very... oh, we...

we danced and drank champagne until dawn...

and we took this taxi ride all around the park.

And, uh...

oh, it's no use.

I'm a dud.

I can't even dance.

I spilled champagne all over millie.

I've always been shy with women.

Now she's angry, she'll never speak to me again.

What kind of flowers?

Translate, please.

Oh, thank you, agnes.

You're just like a mother.

Gesundheit.

I'm sorry about last night, millie.

It won't happen again.

I'm glad you like the roses.

Say, are you catching cold?

L-i'm aller...

allergic to roses.

Oh, millie.

Elwood, just please, go away.

And take these roses with you.

Gesundheit.

Agnes, i don't understand.

No other computer contains

as much recorded knowledge as yours.

You're the star of all the mechanical brains.

But...

whenever i follow your advice i seem to louse things up.

Agnes, what's the matter?

Agnes, stop that.

Stop it.

That's ridiculous, she's a wonderful girl.

Better girl? Who?

Who, agnes?

Agnes, tell me who.

Agnes, who?

Who is it? Who?

Who, agnes? Who is it?

Agnes? Who?

Here are 220 pages of data, curves, graphs,

the latest astronomical factors involving the flight.

Now feed all the pertinent questions to agnes.

She has to come up with answers in a week.

I guarantee it.

And remember, an error of one millisecond

can cause a 400,000 mile divergence from the trajectory.

Do you understand the problem, jim?

Yes. Can this new spacecraft

execute six eccentric orbits

around the planet venus and return to earth safely.

Right. Now let agnes work it out.

Yes, sir.

You better be careful here, agnes.

Better correct escape velocity for solar radiation factor.

Give answer.

Now, stop that.

Just give the escape velocity and forget about millie.

Yes, yes, we've got a date tonight.

The truth is i'm scared.

I've got to impress her- it's now or never.

How?

Name someone inferior to me, please.

Walter holmes?

Walter with the red sports car?

Walter with the suntan and the muscles?

Introduce walter and millie?

Are you sure?

Oh, all right, i'll try it.

Hello, walter, this is jim elwood.

What are you doing for dinner tonight?

He insisted that we stop by

for a drink before dinner.

Come in.

Walter, this is millie.

Millie, this is walter.

Elwood, you didn't tell me

millie has the most incredible eyes.

Tell you?

Thank you, walter.

Come on in, come on in.

I'll get the door.

Nectar for a goddess.

Looks just like an ordinary martini to me.

It is nectar.

All this time at superdata and we've never met.

Shall we make up for lost time?

You bet.

Do you like sports car races?

I've never been to one.

I'm driving my mustang 500 this weekend.

Sounds dangerous.

Danger adds spice to living

and my car does 160.

Astronauts do 17,000 miles an hour.

17,000.

Would you like to drive my little bug?

I'd love to.

Hello.

Oh, hello t.t.

Yes, he's here, hold on.

Supervisor, for you.

Hello.

Sorry to spoil your evening, jim, but this is an emergency.

Washington insists

that blast off of venus project be advanced three days.

We need your data.

Right.

Can you get on it right away?

Good.

See you in an hour.

Right, good-bye.

I'm sorry, millie,

but i have to get back on the job.

I'll have to take you home.

And deprive me of taking millie to dinner?

That sounds lovely.

Well, really, you...

just because you get hung up,

you don't want to ruin millie's evening,

do you, old man?

No, but...

good! You're a nice guy.

I hope you understand, jim.

Perhaps tomorrow night.

Yeah... sure.

Well, good night.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, elwood?

Uh, say, elwood, uh,

you and mill don't have anything special

going for you, do you?

"Mill"? Millie.

Well, no, not exactly, but i...

fine. Fine.

I don't like to cut in on closed territory.

Thanks for the all clear.

Good night.

And good luck.

Now, uh, where were we, mill?

No, no, no!

Agnes, forget the radiation factor.

Will you concentrate?

Now answer this:

Do new conditions permit

six successful eccentric orbits of venus and reentry?

Go ahead.

Agnes, concentrate.

All right, all right, i'll tell you.

Walter and millie had... martinis

and walter took millie to dinner...

i'm starved.

Why did you tell me

to introduce millie to that... that sex fiend?

I will not give her up, i love her!

And what's more, and i'm going to make her love me.

Has all the new data been stored in her memory units?

Yes, sir.

Fine, let's get to work.

Ready, jim?

Question:

Do new conditions permit

six successful eccentric orbits of venus and reentry?

What the devil does that mean?

I... i don't know... i think it's russian.

What?

Wait, please.

Translate into english.

Into english.

She... she's a little disturbed.

Do something, jim.

We've got to have that information.

I believe i can get the answer, sir,

if you'll just leave me alone with her.

All right, jim.

I'll be fired- is that what you want?

I don't know what to do.

I'm going to get help.

Don't go away.

Oh, you.

I know it's late, but i need help.

Oh, take it easy, old man.

Jimmy boy!

Uh...

walter, you're a senior programmer.

Agnes is all fouled up.

I need help.

Sure, anything at all, old boy, in the morning.

That's too late. Now.

And leave this lovely girl all alone?

Don't be silly.

Don't worry, jim.

Wally will help you in the morning.

Oh, sure. Well, good night, millie.

I'm sorry...

where did she ever learn to dance like that?

Millie...

what did i ever do to you?

Why do you want to ruin my life?

Why do you hate me?

Make sense.

Stop speaking in riddles.

You mean...

you were jealous of millie?

You wanted me all to yourself?

No, that's impossible.

I'm going crazy.

You're just a machine.

You're just a bunch of grids and computer circuits.

You're nothing but a bunch of tubes and data drops.

You're just a fancy automatic tape recorder.

You can't love or hate.

It's amazing, sir.

Jim elwood is one of the finest

computer programmers in the country.

So was fred danziger

and he couldn't handle agnes, either.

I'm positive i can.

Elwood!

Two and two are four, shut the door.

Two and four are six, pick up sticks.

It'll be all right, jim.

You've been working very hard and we appreciate it.

How about a long, long leave of absence?

Meanwhile, walter will take over.

You?

Oh, no, you don't have a chance.

She knows all about you and millie.

You haven't got a chance.

Watch out for that female.

Watch out for that femme fatale.

He was a good man.

Well, do your best, walter.

Don't worry, sir,

i'll have the answers to the venus project

in no time at all.

Advice to all future male scientists:

Be sure you understand the opposite sex

especially if you intend being a computer expert.

Otherwise you may find yourself like poor elwood,

defeated by a jealous machine,

a most dangerous sort of female

whose victims are forever banished

to the twilight zone.