Original subtitles

You're traveling through another dimension-

a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind,

a journey into a wondrous land

whose boundaries are that of imagination.

Your next stop, the twilight zone.

He ain't here yet.

He'll be along.

He knows what's waiting for him here.

He knows he's going to get shot.

No question about that.

I think i hear him coming now.

Well, it's about time.

You're an hour and 15 minutes late, rance.

Sy, sy, sy, don't start that.

You know how emotional scenes

upset me before we shoot. Ah!

Now, don't get upset, rance...

what do you say we get started?

All right, all right.

This is scene 71. Got your script?

Read it to me.

Come on, tommy, let's go.

Huh? Oh, sorry.

It's the interior, saloon

cover shot of three bad men at bar.

Rance mcgrew enters, he walks to bar,

he glances sideways left and right.

"Left and right."

You think my head is on a swivel?

Listen, sy, when a cowboy walks into a bar,

he walks straight to the other end of the room,

then he takes his drink and looks atthat,

then looks straight ahead.

He doesn't look left and right.

All right, rance, we'll shoot it your way-

any way you want.

Now, can we begin?

In a minute, in a minute.

My stomach is killing me.

These scenes, these miserable emotional scenes.

All right, laddies, let's get this one this time.

This is scene 71.

It's a cover shot of rance entering the saloon.

Now, let's get with it, fellas, please.

We're way behind.

Second team out. The star is here.

Some 100-odd years ago,

a motley collection of tough moustaches

galloped across the west

and left behind a raft of legends and legerdemains.

And it seems a reasonable conjecture

that if there are any television sets up in cowboy heaven

any one of these rough and woolly nail-eaters could see

with what careless abandon

their names and exploits are being bandied about.

They're very likely turning over in their graves-

or worse, getting out of them.

Which gives you a clue

as to the proceedings that will begin in just a moment

when one mr. Rance mcgrew,

a 3,000-buck-a-week phony baloney,

discovers that this week's current edition of make-believe

is being shot on location

and that location is the twilight zone.

Six-gun...

dress it up.

We'll wait

for the new glass.

You win.

You ready out there, rance?

Yes.

All right. Action.

Rotgut whiskey.

All right, wise guy.

Cut.

He put english on that deliberately.

An english on a bottle?

Guy needs a catcher's mitt.

All right, let's try it again.

From the bottle.

All right, positions, please.

Scene 71... again.

Action.

Guess you boys know i'm the marshal.

We heard tell.

I guess you know that i know

jesse james is coming here looking for me.

I know that, too.

Likewise.

There's something else i know that you don't know-

that you don't know that i know that you know jesse james.

You tell him i'm going to be here waiting.

I'll be right here waiting.

Now, we hear the horse ride up,

he stops, dismounts...

and he appears on the porch.

Figured i'd bluffed you.

Here already, ain't he?

Marshal, marshal, please.

No killing in here.

Oh, i ain't aiming to kill him.

Just going to maim him a little bit.

Just going to pick off his pinkie.

Jesse ain't going to take kindly to that. No.

Cut.

All right, we'll bring in jesse here.

Ready, jesse?

Yes.

Action.

Marshal mcgrew, ain't it?

Yip.

You're about to breathe your last, marshal.

Can't win 'em all.

All right, jesse,

this is it-

you and me,

man to man.

Stuntman!

Okay.

Stuntman! Stuntman!

Stuntman.

All right, cut and print it.

Good show, really good show.

Thanks a lot, mr. Mcgrew.

All right, boys, this is the death scene.

Rance, in the bar.

Jesse lies over there.

Rance thinks that he's unconscious.

Jesse takes a gun up off the floor

and fires at rance's back.

At his back?

That's right.

Now, look, sy, i don't want to fight you

but that's not how jesse james used to operate.

He fought pretty fair.

Can't i yell something?

Oh, that's thinking, that's real creative thinking-

warn the fastest gun in the west that he's about to be shot.

Look, when you're up against rance mcgrew

you play it dirty, or you play it dead.

Now, let's get on with it.

This is cola.

I told you i wanted ginger ale.

It's got to look like whiskey.

Sy,

either straighten this oaf out or fire him.

Mr. Mcgrew wants ginger ale.

Okay, ginger ale.

Your head against the bar, feet out here.

I don't care what he says.

Jesse james wouldn't shoot anybody in the back.

Yeah, but rance mcgrew would.

All right, let's get with it.

Scene 93, take one.

And, rance, baby, easy on the mirror.

Action!

Why, you stupid clod, this is whiskey.

This is real whiskey!

Marshal, marshal-

jesse's gunning for you.

He's coming right now.

Why, you cementhead,

he already came in in scene 73.

I'm going to call my agent, and this time he'd better be in.

They call me jesse james-

therealjesse james

not that side of pork that's been playacting me.

Cut.

Cut!

Shouldn't we cut?

For pete's sake, somebody...

let's cut!

I'd be looking for the marshal.

Fella named mcgrew.

Rance mcgrew.

Thataway.

You wouldn't be him, huh?

Where's the fella who loaned me this vest?

Marshal, i think maybe you and me

better have a little talk.

Maybe a long talk, maybe a short talk,

but a talk.

You're supposed to be tough.

You don't look so tough to me.

You know what you look like?

Well, i haven't been too well lately.

You look kind of like a marshmallow.

Mm. Mm.

Don't that rile you none?

Come on, marshal.

First we'll have a drink.

Then we'll have a talk.

Then we'll have a showdown.

Two whiskeys... just leave the bottles.

Marshmallow.

You don't do nothing very well, do you, mr. Mcgrew?

Don't that rile you none?

No.

You're just about the most even-tempered dude

i ever did meet.

However...

i got no time to be social, marshal.

It's time we come to a meeting of the minds.

Why do you suppose they're all taking cover, marshal?

Closing time?

Yes... yes, it's curfew.

Well, good-bye, jesse,

and it's been really very nice meeting you.

Marshal!

Just hold it right there.

Hmm?

You wasn't leavin', was you, marshal?

I mean, you wasn't just going to walk out,

was you?

No, no, no, i just, uh...

wanted to see if it was going to rain.

No, not going to rain.

I thought you was playing

some kind of trick on me.

Like the time that bad guy

had you covered in the back

and you went through the swinging doors

and swung one door back

and knocked the gun away.

That was the first show last season.

Or those rustlers waiting to bushwhack you.

Ten or 11, wasn't it?

Uh, 13.

I got nominated for an emmy on that one.

Oh, i bet you did.

I just bet you did.

Folks couldn't help but admire a man of your talents.

You know, the thing of it is, marshal,

thing of it is...

i don't believe you ever fired a real gun in your life, did you?

Did you ever hit a man in anger

or get hit in anger yourself?

Tell me, do you ever ride a horse?

On... on occasion.

So you don't shoot, you don't ride and you don't fight.

You just strut around

going through the motions

of killing off fellows like me.

Now, i wouldn't say that.

Now, last... last year,

we had one script

in which one of the dalton boys went free.

He told me about it.

He also told how you captured him.

You jumped 800 feet off a cliff

and landed on the back of his horse when he wasn't looking.

Now, marshal, did you ever jump 800 feet off a cliff

and land on a man's horse?

Heights... heights make me...

ill.

That figures.

We had a meeting up there-

me, my brother frank, the dalton boys,

sam starr, billy the kid,

quite a few others.

And the consensus was

that you wasn't doing a thing for our good names.

So they chose me to come down here

and maybe take a little of the shine

off your pants.

How's that?

Don't you get it?

We see you week after week

killing off this guy and that guy,

capturing that bushwhacker and that rustler.

But all the time winning.

Man, you just don't lose.

You are the winningest fellow

that ever come down the pike.

So me and my friends, we figured that maybe just once

you ought to lose.

Mm-hmm, yes, yes, that's a very good idea

and iwilltake that up with the producer.

I don't think there'll be time to take it up

because mister, you're going to lose right now.

I'll tell you what:

I'm going to be square with you-

a lot squarer than you ever been with any of us.

Face-to-face, and no, uh...

what do you call them, stuntmen?

Out on the street, you and me-

you coming down one side of the street,

me coming down the other.

But that... that's been done.

Didn't you see gunfight at red rock?

Lousy. Didn't like it?

Let's go, marshal.

Now, you come around this corner,

and i'll come around that corner.

I'll let you make the first move.

Nothing could be fairer, could it?

Oh, my, no, no indeed.

Well, uh... shall we say tomorrow afternoon?

This afternoon... now.

Why does it have to be thisafternoon?

Could have been tomorrow afternoon.

Rush, rush, rush.

Rush, rush, rush, that's all anybody knows

is rush, rush, rush.

Marshal?

Where are you, marshal?

Come on out, marshal!

Come on out, marshal.

Marshal, where are you?

Come on, marshal.

Marshal, i'm going to count to five,

then we're both going to draw.

One...

this is ridiculous- it's never done this way.

Two...

i'm just doing this series for the residuals.

Three...

and because they let me use my own name as the character.

Four...

i suppose you know i have an aging mother

and millions of fans all over this country,

and they're going to hate you for this.

And a lot of them are just like my old mother.

You're killing an american institution.

Five.

Stuntman! Stuntman!

Reach, marshal.

Just like i figured-

this guy couldn't outdraw a crayon.

Give me a break, will you, jesse?

Jesse, give me a break.

I'm too young to die.

I'll do anything you say, jesse, just give me a break.

You say you got nominated for an emmy?

Two, two.

You can't act any better than you can draw.

Jesse, jesse, just give me a break.

I'll do anything you say, you... you... you just name it.

Anything?

You just name it.

Marshal, maybe you and me ain't too far away from a bargain.

I don't know exactly what it is i want,

but i'll sure think about it some.

You're not going to shoot me down?

Nope.

Tell you what i will do.

I'm going to stick around

make sure that you have to play it careful from now on.

We may be stiffs up there...

but we're sensitive.

Jesse?

Jesse?

It isn't whiskey, mr. Mcgrew

it's ginger ale, just like you ordered.

Are you all right, rance?

Yes, yes, i'm... i'm all right.

Where'd you all go?

Where'd we go? We didn't go anywhere.

You sure you're all right?

Yeah, yeah, i'm fine.

All right, now, let's get this shot now.

Jesse's on the floor.

You think he's unconscious.

Somebody wants to talk to you,

mr. Mcgrew.

We're shooting a scene.

He says he's rance's agent.

My agent?

Look, i don't know what the chain of command is,

so go out and talk to him.

Find out what it ishewants

what it isyouwant

and what it is we can shoot.

Howdy, marshal.

You said "anything,"

and "anything" is the following:

I'm going to stick around from picture to picture

to make sure you don't hurt no more feelings.

Now, in this scene,

jesse don't shoot you in the back.

He's lost blood, he's weak as tea,

but he can still get up

knock you through that window

and make his getaway.

Is that understood?

He knocked me, rance mcgrew, through a window?

Why, it's... it's...

sy?

Yeah?

Sy, uh, i have a great idea

for something i think might be a fun shot.

Uh...

what?!

Are you out of your mind?

Jesse does what?

Oh, rance...

all right.

Scene 93, take two.

Action.

Now, that was just fine.

Now, about next week's episode

the one where you knock the gun

out of billy the kid's hand

from a fourth-story window a half a block away

with the base of a lamp.

No good, huh?

It stinks.

The way i see it is this:

Now, billy, he hears you,

and he whirls around,

and he fires from the hip,

and he shoots the lamp right out of your hand.

Now, in two weeks,

i think we ought to give sam starr a break.

He's a real nice fella- awful good to his mother.

Haw!

The evolution of the so-called adult western

and the metamorphosis of one rance mcgrew,

formerly phony baloney, now upright citizen

with a preoccupation with all things

involving tradition, truth and cowpoke predecessors.

It's the way the cookie crumbles and the six-gun shoots

in the twilight zone.

Rod serling, creator ofthe twilight zone,

will tell you about next week's story

after this message.

And now, mr. Serling.

For all of us, even the most young at heart,

i suppose there's a little kernel of want

having to do with reliving childhood-

that grand and glorious moment in time

when the biggest guy around is the patrol boy.

Next week onthe twilight zone, this moment is recaptured

in george clayton johnson's exceptionally sensitive story

called "kick the can."

It costars mr. Ernest truex and mr. Russell collins.

If the tobaccos in a cigarette are good enough,

they alone will give mellow richness

and satisfactory mildness.

Try chesterfields and you'll discover

21 great tobaccos make 20 wonderful smokes.

This is james arness.

You know, it's only a short hop

fromthe twilight zone to dodge city ingunsmoke.

Saturday nights over most of these stations.