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1
00:00:00,156 --> 00:00:02,817
After their disappointing results,
2
00:00:02,820 --> 00:00:06,154
legendary manager Cesare
is certainly under pressure.
3
00:00:06,157 --> 00:00:08,315
One of the greatest
managers of our time,
4
00:00:08,318 --> 00:00:10,614
but it's been a while
since he's won anything.
5
00:00:10,617 --> 00:00:12,567
Well, if his team carry on
performing like that,
6
00:00:12,570 --> 00:00:14,248
the next thing Cesare will write
7
00:00:14,251 --> 00:00:16,512
in that famous notebook is his
memoirs.
8
00:00:16,515 --> 00:00:18,118
Why haven't the club made one
signing?
9
00:00:18,121 --> 00:00:19,592
Not one signing!
10
00:00:19,595 --> 00:00:22,206
The transfer window closes in five
hours.
11
00:00:22,209 --> 00:00:24,700
We're getting the news that one late
move may be happening.
12
00:00:24,703 --> 00:00:26,805
Have they? Yes. Who? Who?
13
00:00:26,807 --> 00:00:28,592
Nah, must be a mistake, bruv.
14
00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:30,448
This could be them now.
15
00:00:32,728 --> 00:00:36,246
No, I don't recognise them. False
alarm.
16
00:00:36,248 --> 00:00:38,328
Er, it's a dream come true.
17
00:00:41,848 --> 00:00:43,447
But a surprise for sure.
18
00:00:43,449 --> 00:00:44,432
Total shock.
19
00:00:44,435 --> 00:00:46,964
I can't think of another player
who has made a leap like this
20
00:00:46,967 --> 00:00:50,607
and I can't wait to meet Cesare
and ask him what he was thinking.
21
00:00:50,609 --> 00:00:52,487
Cough.
22
00:00:52,489 --> 00:00:54,208
HE COUGHS
23
00:00:54,210 --> 00:00:55,848
Cough.
24
00:00:55,850 --> 00:00:57,648
HE COUGHS
25
00:00:57,650 --> 00:00:59,088
Right, cough.
26
00:00:59,090 --> 00:01:00,848
HE COUGHS
27
00:01:00,850 --> 00:01:02,650
HE GRUNTS
28
00:01:03,690 --> 00:01:05,888
Is everything all right, Doctor?
29
00:01:05,890 --> 00:01:07,769
I have to pass this medical.
30
00:01:07,771 --> 00:01:11,529
I need you to cough again -
this time while I hold your penis.
31
00:01:11,531 --> 00:01:13,809
Cough.
32
00:01:13,811 --> 00:01:16,489
Mattie Sullivan, our new signing.
How are you doing?
33
00:01:16,491 --> 00:01:18,410
Sorry, could you give us a minute,
please?
34
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,650
Oh, that's fine, I don't mind.
35
00:01:19,652 --> 00:01:21,690
Hey, Mattie, you like jumbotrons,
right?
36
00:01:21,692 --> 00:01:23,890
Er...er, jumbotrons?
Jumbotrons.
37
00:01:23,892 --> 00:01:25,490
Big screens at the stadium.
38
00:01:25,492 --> 00:01:27,770
We're building the biggest jumbotron
in the world.
39
00:01:27,772 --> 00:01:31,131
It's expensive,
hence no marquee signings this year,
40
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:34,531
but we will have a jumbotron
bigger than the pitch.
41
00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:35,931
Bigger than the pitch?
42
00:01:35,933 --> 00:01:37,371
Biggest in the world.
43
00:01:37,373 --> 00:01:38,851
Bigger than life-size.
44
00:01:38,853 --> 00:01:40,293
Why would you need that?
45
00:01:41,813 --> 00:01:44,492
A jumbotron bigger than the pitch...
46
00:01:44,494 --> 00:01:46,772
above one of the stands.
47
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:49,212
OK, there's the actual pitch and
48
00:01:49,214 --> 00:01:51,492
then a slightly bigger version of
the pitch
49
00:01:51,494 --> 00:01:53,772
showing the same game...just above
it?
50
00:01:53,774 --> 00:01:55,333
I knew you'd get it.
51
00:01:55,335 --> 00:01:58,613
Well, come see me in my office after
this and we'll get you signed.
52
00:01:58,615 --> 00:02:00,373
If you pass.
53
00:02:00,375 --> 00:02:03,775
If you fail, then I guess this is
goodbye.
54
00:02:05,735 --> 00:02:06,896
Cough.
55
00:02:11,016 --> 00:02:13,456
COMMENTATOR: Aguero!
56
00:02:23,617 --> 00:02:25,895
Well, no, I'd not heard of him
either.
57
00:02:25,897 --> 00:02:27,935
American. Yeah.
58
00:02:27,937 --> 00:02:30,776
Well, you know, raise the profile,
sell some shirts back home.
59
00:02:30,778 --> 00:02:32,096
Exactly.
60
00:02:32,098 --> 00:02:33,936
Yeah.
61
00:02:33,938 --> 00:02:36,376
Well, he might suck, yeah.
62
00:02:36,378 --> 00:02:38,136
I know.
63
00:02:38,138 --> 00:02:41,176
All right. Bye. Bye. Love you, Mom.
64
00:02:41,178 --> 00:02:43,337
OK. Let's get you signed.
65
00:02:43,339 --> 00:02:45,817
Oh, is the manager not going to be
here, Mr Crane?
66
00:02:45,819 --> 00:02:47,417
Oh, please call me Mr Chairman.
67
00:02:47,419 --> 00:02:48,897
Sadly, no.
68
00:02:48,899 --> 00:02:51,377
Signor Cesare, our esteemed manager,
won't be present.
69
00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:53,017
Oh. OK.
70
00:02:53,019 --> 00:02:55,940
Sign here, here and here, please.
71
00:02:57,060 --> 00:02:58,538
Wow, I've got to say, when I heard
72
00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:00,858
there was an American international
available,
73
00:03:00,860 --> 00:03:02,218
I jumped at the chance.
74
00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:04,018
Oh, I don't play for the US national
team.
75
00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:06,499
US men's team. You play for the US
men's team.
76
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:08,821
No, I haven't been selected...yet!
77
00:03:13,301 --> 00:03:15,619
So I just signed an American
78
00:03:15,621 --> 00:03:18,462
who's not even an international?
79
00:03:44,704 --> 00:03:47,342
Yeah, Danielle, can you get me
Jonathan?
80
00:03:47,344 --> 00:03:49,262
Yes, Head of Legal Jonathan.
81
00:03:49,264 --> 00:03:50,624
Thank you.
82
00:03:52,784 --> 00:03:56,103
OK, Mattie, well, I've got some
urgent legal stuff to deal with,
83
00:03:56,105 --> 00:03:57,825
so I will see you tomorrow...
84
00:03:58,945 --> 00:04:00,745
..maybe.
85
00:04:15,106 --> 00:04:17,785
Yes!
Benjamin, are you messaging
86
00:04:17,787 --> 00:04:20,465
those pornographic women again?
She's an influencer.
87
00:04:20,467 --> 00:04:22,225
It's pornography. Look at this girl.
88
00:04:22,227 --> 00:04:24,745
Filthy and dirty.
Think of what you could catch.
89
00:04:24,747 --> 00:04:26,705
Are you listening to me?
90
00:04:26,707 --> 00:04:29,745
You only work one hour a day.
Still you're going to be late.
91
00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:32,386
You could have been a doctor.
Why are you not a doctor?
92
00:04:32,388 --> 00:04:34,346
Oh, come on. Get out of here.
93
00:04:34,348 --> 00:04:36,066
If I slap you.
94
00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:38,906
Bye, Mum. Love you.
95
00:04:38,908 --> 00:04:40,788
HE GASPS
96
00:05:00,070 --> 00:05:03,148
CHILD: Suck my dick.
Just press the button, will you?
97
00:05:03,150 --> 00:05:06,149
Suck my arsehole. Right, I'm
going. Nah, come on, mate.
98
00:05:06,151 --> 00:05:08,229
It's only 3-0. I can get this
back.
99
00:05:08,231 --> 00:05:09,709
Nah, I've got to get to school.
100
00:05:09,711 --> 00:05:11,429
Shit, what time's it?
8.50.
101
00:05:11,431 --> 00:05:13,389
Ah, you're joking! I'm late for
work.
102
00:05:13,391 --> 00:05:15,789
You've got a job?
Yeah, and I'm here in my pants.
103
00:05:15,791 --> 00:05:18,630
You're a grown-up
and you're in your pants? Mum!
104
00:05:18,632 --> 00:05:21,870
HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS
105
00:05:21,872 --> 00:05:25,270
SIREN WAILS
106
00:05:25,272 --> 00:05:26,992
Oh, no way, man.
107
00:05:31,393 --> 00:05:32,991
Whose car's this?
108
00:05:32,993 --> 00:05:34,831
It's mine.
Is it fuck.
109
00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:37,031
Why'd you stop me?
Because we can
110
00:05:37,033 --> 00:05:38,991
and because your car is blinding
peop...
111
00:05:38,993 --> 00:05:40,631
Wait a minute.
112
00:05:40,633 --> 00:05:42,472
Are you Benji Achebe?
113
00:05:42,474 --> 00:05:44,032
Y-Yeah.
114
00:05:44,034 --> 00:05:45,752
I knew it.
115
00:05:45,754 --> 00:05:47,554
Take a look at this.
116
00:05:49,674 --> 00:05:52,752
I've had a season ticket for 20
years.
117
00:05:52,754 --> 00:05:54,673
So cool to meet you, mate.
118
00:05:54,675 --> 00:05:56,313
He's not a fan.
119
00:05:56,315 --> 00:05:57,793
He thinks we're shit.
120
00:05:57,795 --> 00:06:00,273
"Yeah, Cesare used to be good,
but what's he won recently?"
121
00:06:00,275 --> 00:06:01,873
That's what you say, innit?
122
00:06:01,875 --> 00:06:04,193
"Coming sixth for eight years
isn't a trophy,"
123
00:06:04,195 --> 00:06:05,994
that's what he says. Prick.
124
00:06:05,996 --> 00:06:07,714
Bro, I'm gonna be late for training.
125
00:06:07,716 --> 00:06:10,434
Yeah, we just need to see your
insurance, please.
126
00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:12,674
Yeah, we will need to see your
insurance.
127
00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:15,394
Look, the thing is, I haven't got
insurance for this exact car.
128
00:06:15,396 --> 00:06:17,995
I mean, at my age,
it's so expensive, it's a crime.
129
00:06:17,997 --> 00:06:20,475
Hey, that's what you should
be investigating.
130
00:06:20,477 --> 00:06:22,075
Ha-ha, no doubt.
Yeah.
131
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,995
So, we can work this out, huh?
132
00:06:23,997 --> 00:06:27,635
Why don't I get you a couple
of tickets to the game Saturday?
133
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,235
As my guest.
134
00:06:29,237 --> 00:06:30,916
Get a bit of VIP treatment.
135
00:06:30,918 --> 00:06:33,196
I would love that. Yeah, it would be
decent, actually.
136
00:06:33,198 --> 00:06:34,876
Be good to watch you lose.
137
00:06:34,878 --> 00:06:36,276
What's he like?
138
00:06:36,278 --> 00:06:37,956
All right. Sweet. No problem.
139
00:06:37,958 --> 00:06:40,316
I'll leave the tickets
and the passes at the box office.
140
00:06:40,318 --> 00:06:42,077
Yeah, well, you can't drive the car.
141
00:06:42,079 --> 00:06:43,477
What? Benji!
142
00:06:43,479 --> 00:06:45,759
You haven't got any insurance.
143
00:06:52,319 --> 00:06:54,118
So I'm Olivia Talbot, Head of Press,
144
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,158
which encompasses a number of
things.
145
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,998
Obviously, you need to clear it with
me
146
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,718
before you speak to any journalists,
147
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,558
but I'll also be your best friend,
Mattie.
148
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,878
I'll do anything for you.
Thank you. Thanks.
149
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,639
I was really hoping that...
150
00:07:05,641 --> 00:07:07,359
But one day I will stab you in the
back.
151
00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:08,759
You can trust me entirely.
152
00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:10,079
My door is always open.
153
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:11,759
I'm here for you.
154
00:07:11,761 --> 00:07:13,439
You mentioned backstabbing.
155
00:07:13,441 --> 00:07:14,959
But know this -
156
00:07:14,961 --> 00:07:16,999
I work for the club and if, for
example,
157
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:18,840
they want me to turn the fans
against you,
158
00:07:18,842 --> 00:07:20,200
I'll do it immediately.
159
00:07:20,202 --> 00:07:22,240
And you're here to welcome me?
160
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,840
I am. Any questions?
161
00:07:24,842 --> 00:07:26,560
Will Cesare be at the press
conference?
162
00:07:26,562 --> 00:07:28,040
Press conference for what?
163
00:07:28,042 --> 00:07:29,721
My signing. Me signing for the club.
164
00:07:29,723 --> 00:07:31,201
Oh, there isn't one.
165
00:07:31,203 --> 00:07:33,201
Really? Why not?
166
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:36,681
Don't think anyone would come, do
you?
167
00:07:36,683 --> 00:07:38,361
You came back, which is brave.
168
00:07:38,363 --> 00:07:41,682
Oh, Chris, can you show
our new signing, as of now, around?
169
00:07:41,684 --> 00:07:43,962
This is Chris Booth.
He's our Head of Press.
170
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:46,082
Well, Assistant Coach, but he knows
that.
171
00:07:46,084 --> 00:07:48,802
Er, Chris, this is...
Mattie. Mattie Sullivan.
172
00:07:48,804 --> 00:07:50,962
Yeah, great to meet you.
Great to meet you too.
173
00:07:50,964 --> 00:07:52,682
Oh, great to meet you.
174
00:07:52,684 --> 00:07:54,403
Oh, just said that, didn't I?
175
00:07:54,405 --> 00:07:55,963
Wally.
176
00:07:55,965 --> 00:07:57,763
Well, what a treat, eh?
177
00:07:57,765 --> 00:08:01,003
Our young signing from America.
178
00:08:01,005 --> 00:08:03,525
He's not an American international.
179
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:08,844
Jonathan, thank God.
Jonathan, my mom's going to kill me.
180
00:08:08,846 --> 00:08:12,564
Right, well, let's show you around
the training facility, shall we?
181
00:08:12,566 --> 00:08:14,804
Oh, this is where the kit man is.
182
00:08:14,806 --> 00:08:16,326
He's a great guy.
183
00:08:17,366 --> 00:08:19,367
Fuck off.
184
00:08:23,607 --> 00:08:26,445
And this is the car park.
185
00:08:26,447 --> 00:08:27,965
Lots of cars here.
186
00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:29,606
All making sense so far?
187
00:08:29,608 --> 00:08:31,486
Yep, it's the car park.
188
00:08:31,488 --> 00:08:35,566
Chris, I've not met Cesare yet
and I'm just getting a bit worried.
189
00:08:35,568 --> 00:08:37,406
Do you know why he signed me?
190
00:08:37,408 --> 00:08:39,846
I imagine cos you're bloody
brilliant, aren't you?
191
00:08:39,848 --> 00:08:41,406
I don't know.
192
00:08:41,408 --> 00:08:42,927
Am I good enough for this level?
193
00:08:42,929 --> 00:08:45,647
Mattie, do you know
what they say about here?
194
00:08:45,649 --> 00:08:47,127
No?
195
00:08:47,129 --> 00:08:48,807
Trust in Cesare.
196
00:08:48,809 --> 00:08:51,767
Trust...in Cesare.
197
00:08:51,769 --> 00:08:54,328
Yeah, yeah, of course.
I mean, he's meticulous, right?
198
00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:57,328
Those books that he writes in, the
hundreds of notes he takes all game
199
00:08:57,330 --> 00:08:59,808
- I imagine you've learned so much
from them.
200
00:08:59,810 --> 00:09:02,848
Nah, never seen them. The boss, he
keeps his notes very close to his
201
00:09:02,850 --> 00:09:05,609
chest. Such an enigma.
But I owe that man everything.
202
00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:07,529
When my knee injury ended my career,
203
00:09:07,531 --> 00:09:09,489
he got me straight on the coaching
staff.
204
00:09:09,491 --> 00:09:11,369
It's bloody hard work, though,
coaching.
205
00:09:11,371 --> 00:09:12,889
My wife's not happy.
206
00:09:12,891 --> 00:09:14,209
Hardly ever sees me.
207
00:09:14,211 --> 00:09:15,849
Or maybe she's happier.
208
00:09:15,851 --> 00:09:17,451
Ahh...
209
00:09:18,652 --> 00:09:21,652
Every marriage has
its ups and downs, doesn't it?
210
00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:28,970
Oh, I'd better go and deal with
this.
211
00:09:28,972 --> 00:09:31,891
The dressing rooms are over there.
Great bunch of pros.
212
00:09:31,893 --> 00:09:33,533
Like, eugh! Banter.
213
00:09:44,934 --> 00:09:46,652
Hey, guys.
214
00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,452
Mattie Sullivan.
215
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:49,852
Just signed.
216
00:09:49,854 --> 00:09:51,572
From Sporting Kansas.
217
00:09:51,574 --> 00:09:53,212
It's in the MLS. The American
league.
218
00:09:53,214 --> 00:09:54,733
You guys know what the MLS is.
219
00:09:54,735 --> 00:09:57,213
Great.
PLAYERS SPEAK FRENCH
220
00:09:57,215 --> 00:09:59,093
Ah!
221
00:09:59,095 --> 00:10:02,333
Bonjour. Vous etes francais?
222
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:03,653
Je m'appelle Mattie.
223
00:10:03,655 --> 00:10:05,253
I just picked up a few words in
224
00:10:05,255 --> 00:10:07,654
every language - just a way to make
friends.
225
00:10:07,656 --> 00:10:09,374
THEY LAUGH
226
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,294
THEY SPEAK FRENCH
227
00:10:11,296 --> 00:10:15,134
Well, I guess I'd better find a
spot, then.
228
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:17,174
Don't sit there. That's Carlos'
place.
229
00:10:17,176 --> 00:10:18,937
Oh, right, yeah. Sorry.
230
00:10:20,817 --> 00:10:23,895
Alors! Non, non, pas la.
OK. Right, right, right.
231
00:10:23,897 --> 00:10:25,617
Er...
232
00:10:27,137 --> 00:10:29,938
ALL: No!
OK. Oh, OK. OK.
233
00:10:30,938 --> 00:10:33,576
Sit here, mate. No-one sits here.
234
00:10:33,578 --> 00:10:35,778
Oh. Thanks.
235
00:10:37,778 --> 00:10:40,336
SHOUTS: That's my fucking seat!
236
00:10:40,338 --> 00:10:42,817
Oh, shit, yeah, Petey sits there.
237
00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:44,497
Read my lips.
238
00:10:44,499 --> 00:10:46,137
That is my seat.
239
00:10:46,139 --> 00:10:47,737
Don't have to read your lips, cos I
240
00:10:47,739 --> 00:10:49,617
can hear the noise your mouth is
making.
241
00:10:49,619 --> 00:10:51,577
Are you disrespecting me?
242
00:10:51,579 --> 00:10:53,377
Is that what you're doing?
243
00:10:53,379 --> 00:10:54,938
No, but it's a little bit hard to
244
00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:57,378
take you seriously, as you are
completely naked.
245
00:10:57,380 --> 00:10:59,538
Yeah, what's funny about that? My
dick?
246
00:10:59,540 --> 00:11:00,778
No, course not.
247
00:11:00,780 --> 00:11:04,500
You steal my seat, then laugh at my
dick.
248
00:11:05,741 --> 00:11:07,419
I've got a very long foreskin.
249
00:11:07,421 --> 00:11:08,979
Is that funny?
250
00:11:08,981 --> 00:11:12,579
No, I didn't know that.
Do you want me to look?
251
00:11:12,581 --> 00:11:14,339
Do I want you to look at my dick?
252
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:15,819
This is banter, right?
253
00:11:15,821 --> 00:11:17,740
Is this banter?!
254
00:11:17,742 --> 00:11:21,780
Ah, stop mucking about, you two.
Come on. Let's get out there.
255
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:24,182
Mattie, come on.
Don't want to be late on day one.
256
00:11:25,302 --> 00:11:26,542
Er...er, Petey.
257
00:11:28,502 --> 00:11:30,741
Don't tell me what to do.
258
00:11:30,743 --> 00:11:33,623
You didn't when we played together.
Don't now.
259
00:11:36,383 --> 00:11:39,383
Priceless. Don't change, Petey.
260
00:11:42,824 --> 00:11:45,262
No, listen, right? Results are
261
00:11:45,264 --> 00:11:48,102
terrible and they finish training at
12.
262
00:11:48,104 --> 00:11:50,142
What do they do all day? Train more.
263
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:52,582
And what if they get injured?
Don't get injured.
264
00:11:52,584 --> 00:11:56,665
I wouldn't mind doing a job where I
do half a day's work on their wages.
265
00:11:58,305 --> 00:12:00,703
Excuse me! Jack!
266
00:12:00,705 --> 00:12:04,103
Now, come on, mate, please. I need
them.
267
00:12:04,105 --> 00:12:05,344
Then buy your own.
268
00:12:05,346 --> 00:12:06,706
You've got the money.
269
00:12:08,066 --> 00:12:10,424
Everything OK? Yeah, yeah, fine.
270
00:12:10,426 --> 00:12:11,464
He caught me.
271
00:12:11,466 --> 00:12:13,504
You were stealing toilet paper.
Borrowing.
272
00:12:13,506 --> 00:12:15,384
I'm not sure you can borrow toilet
paper.
273
00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:17,064
Have you not got any at home?
274
00:12:17,066 --> 00:12:19,265
No, I don't buy it. It's
embarrassing, innit?
275
00:12:19,267 --> 00:12:20,425
What if someone saw me?
276
00:12:20,427 --> 00:12:23,465
They might think that, like every
other human on Earth, you excrete.
277
00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:25,425
Exactly. Embarrassing.
278
00:12:25,427 --> 00:12:26,785
Jack, are you telling me you've
279
00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:28,665
never bought toilet paper, not even
online?
280
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:29,906
Oh, mate, that's way worse.
281
00:12:29,908 --> 00:12:32,586
A stranger coming to your house
with a big box of shit paper.
282
00:12:32,588 --> 00:12:35,106
This might seem like a weird
question as we've just met,
283
00:12:35,108 --> 00:12:36,866
but where are you pooing, then,
Jack?
284
00:12:36,868 --> 00:12:38,226
Er, usually at work.
285
00:12:38,228 --> 00:12:39,986
Sometimes I use the disabled bogs
286
00:12:39,988 --> 00:12:42,307
for a treat, but I weren't feeling
it today.
287
00:12:42,309 --> 00:12:43,947
OK. Tell me if I'm crossing a line
288
00:12:43,949 --> 00:12:45,747
here, but do you want me to help
you,
289
00:12:45,749 --> 00:12:48,227
a grown man, buy some toilet paper?
290
00:12:48,229 --> 00:12:49,787
Yeah.
291
00:12:49,789 --> 00:12:51,227
Yeah, you can do, if you like.
292
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:53,027
Me car's parked in the car park.
293
00:12:53,029 --> 00:12:54,788
And this is the car park.
294
00:12:54,790 --> 00:12:57,188
Yo, Jack!
Yes, mate.
295
00:12:57,190 --> 00:12:59,468
Got a spare ticket for Saturday?
I need one.
296
00:12:59,470 --> 00:13:00,868
Both of mine are going free.
297
00:13:00,870 --> 00:13:03,388
I don't have anyone to...
Nice one. Cheers.
298
00:13:03,390 --> 00:13:05,749
Going to show this Instagram hottie
the time of her life.
299
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,349
What have you done with your
tickets?
300
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:09,629
Gave them to the Old Bill.
Charity? Sort of.
301
00:13:09,631 --> 00:13:11,069
What are you doing now, then? Mum's
302
00:13:11,071 --> 00:13:12,869
not picking me up for the next three
hours.
303
00:13:12,871 --> 00:13:14,229
Oh, your mom still picks you up?
304
00:13:14,231 --> 00:13:16,029
She's normally more reliable than
this.
305
00:13:16,031 --> 00:13:18,030
Why not get an Uber?
I can't, because...
306
00:13:18,032 --> 00:13:20,950
And it's so unfair... They won't
pick me up, cos my rating's so low.
307
00:13:20,952 --> 00:13:22,590
I've never heard of that.
308
00:13:22,592 --> 00:13:24,070
I book the car, right?
309
00:13:24,072 --> 00:13:26,030
So for that amount of time, that's
my car.
310
00:13:26,032 --> 00:13:28,070
If I get caught short
and I need to piss in a car,
311
00:13:28,072 --> 00:13:29,751
in a bottle, then that's my car.
312
00:13:29,753 --> 00:13:32,711
I can piss. It's not like I'm trying
to spill any. I barely spilled any.
313
00:13:32,713 --> 00:13:34,951
OK. I'm Mattie, by the way.
I know.
314
00:13:34,953 --> 00:13:37,351
The only player who signed in the
transfer window.
315
00:13:37,353 --> 00:13:38,991
So, Jack, can I get a lift, then?
316
00:13:38,993 --> 00:13:41,191
Yeah, yeah, just going to go to the
cash-and-carry.
317
00:13:41,193 --> 00:13:43,874
Mattie's going to help me
buy my first-ever bog roll.
318
00:13:52,434 --> 00:13:54,793
I hate this. It's so embarrassing.
319
00:13:54,795 --> 00:13:57,113
Bro, stealing toilet paper from work
to wipe your cheeks
320
00:13:57,115 --> 00:13:58,553
has got to be more embarrassing.
321
00:13:58,555 --> 00:14:00,313
I can't imagine doing this all the
time.
322
00:14:00,315 --> 00:14:01,873
Which is why we're going to buy you
323
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,833
enough toilet paper to last until
you're 30,
324
00:14:03,835 --> 00:14:05,754
by which time, I assume,
you'll be married.
325
00:14:05,756 --> 00:14:07,394
Hope so. So you're now, what,
21?
326
00:14:07,396 --> 00:14:09,034
Yeah, just. So that's nine years.
327
00:14:09,036 --> 00:14:11,834
52 weeks in a year. Let's say two
rolls a week. 104.
328
00:14:11,836 --> 00:14:13,274
104 times 9. What's that?
329
00:14:13,276 --> 00:14:14,596
Joking, aren't you?
330
00:14:15,596 --> 00:14:18,435
It's 936. So all you need to do
is buy 936 rolls.
331
00:14:18,437 --> 00:14:20,755
Fine, just be quick.
Bro, this is tragic.
332
00:14:20,757 --> 00:14:22,715
I'm glad my new girlfriend
don't shop here.
333
00:14:22,717 --> 00:14:24,075
You got a girlfriend, Mattie?
334
00:14:24,077 --> 00:14:27,395
Me? No. Single, yeah?
Playa!
335
00:14:27,397 --> 00:14:29,636
So when was the last time
you got some action, then?
336
00:14:29,638 --> 00:14:33,276
Well, if by action you mean sex,
then, I guess, probably 2017.
337
00:14:33,278 --> 00:14:35,036
What?! The year 2017.
338
00:14:35,038 --> 00:14:36,956
Yeah. So you're a virgin?
339
00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:38,476
No, because I've had sex.
340
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:41,116
But it's been so long, you're
basically a virgin. Not really.
341
00:14:41,118 --> 00:14:43,117
It's binary. Virgin or not virgin.
342
00:14:43,119 --> 00:14:44,677
Or born-again virgin.
343
00:14:44,679 --> 00:14:47,437
It's a self-imposed dry patch.
344
00:14:47,439 --> 00:14:49,237
I've been focusing on my career.
345
00:14:49,239 --> 00:14:51,997
Jack Turner?
Er, yeah.
346
00:14:51,999 --> 00:14:54,998
I saw you play the other day
against Sunderland in the cup.
347
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,278
Yeah.
You were absolutely diabolical.
348
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,198
You strolled around, half-arsing
tackles.
349
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,838
You don't care about the club,
about the badge.
350
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,719
You lot, you just get it handed to
you - massive wages, easy life.
351
00:15:06,721 --> 00:15:08,439
Turn up...not bothered.
352
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:11,479
You, sir, have no idea
what you're talking about.
353
00:15:11,481 --> 00:15:14,199
I've supported this team for 25
years.
354
00:15:14,201 --> 00:15:17,440
I have watched and suffered as
people like him destroy this club.
355
00:15:17,442 --> 00:15:19,680
You've suffered? Mmm.
You've suffered?
356
00:15:19,682 --> 00:15:23,560
For years, Jack Turner has woken up
at six in the morning to train,
357
00:15:23,562 --> 00:15:25,560
muscles aching from the day before.
358
00:15:25,562 --> 00:15:28,880
Most men his age are out drinking,
eating junk food, having fun.
359
00:15:28,882 --> 00:15:30,921
But every night he goes to bed
sober.
360
00:15:30,923 --> 00:15:33,401
He sacrifices a normal life
to entertain you.
361
00:15:33,403 --> 00:15:35,321
Yes, he gets paid well, but his
362
00:15:35,323 --> 00:15:37,841
career could be ended by one bad
tackle
363
00:15:37,843 --> 00:15:41,402
and he has to take abuse from fans
even when he's out buying...
364
00:15:41,404 --> 00:15:43,242
936 rolls of toilet paper.
365
00:15:43,244 --> 00:15:45,522
936 rolls of toilet paper.
366
00:15:45,524 --> 00:15:47,562
I can guarantee Jack wants to win
367
00:15:47,564 --> 00:15:50,122
more than you, more than any
supporter,
368
00:15:50,124 --> 00:15:55,085
because for him it's not just
entertainment, it's his whole life.
369
00:15:58,645 --> 00:16:00,085
You were still shit.
370
00:16:01,485 --> 00:16:02,883
What a prick.
371
00:16:02,885 --> 00:16:05,003
Yeah, fair comment, though.
What?
372
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:06,524
Was shit in that game, like.
373
00:16:06,526 --> 00:16:08,766
I'd been up all night playing
Fortnite.
374
00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:18,205
Oh, my gosh. Look, look, look.
375
00:16:18,207 --> 00:16:20,165
Over there.
Oh, my God.
376
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:22,165
Oh, my God, it's Jack Turner.
377
00:16:22,167 --> 00:16:23,205
No way, Jack.
378
00:16:23,207 --> 00:16:25,725
Are you in the team Saturday?
Yeah.
379
00:16:25,727 --> 00:16:28,765
Wait, what's with all the toilet
roll, Jack?
380
00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:30,846
Have you got a bum problem, Jack?
381
00:16:30,848 --> 00:16:33,086
Yeah, have you got a bum problem
Jack?
382
00:16:33,088 --> 00:16:36,166
What do you need all this for?
You got poo problems?
383
00:16:36,168 --> 00:16:38,886
Oh, no, he's going to poo himself.
Look at...
384
00:16:38,888 --> 00:16:41,407
Oh, he's embarrassed.
385
00:16:41,409 --> 00:16:42,689
Fucking told you.
386
00:16:44,049 --> 00:16:45,449
Gonna poo himself!
387
00:16:48,729 --> 00:16:51,207
That's exactly what I was worried
about. Come on.
388
00:16:51,209 --> 00:16:52,607
Who cares? They're just kids.
389
00:16:52,609 --> 00:16:55,328
Kids who think you've got a bum
problem, which is embarrassing.
390
00:16:55,330 --> 00:16:58,488
They filmed it too. Oh, no!
Look, Jack, it's not embarrassing.
391
00:16:58,490 --> 00:17:00,928
You poo, everyone poos. It's not
weird.
392
00:17:00,930 --> 00:17:02,288
It's not like you're Petey and
393
00:17:02,290 --> 00:17:04,328
you've got a windsock for a
foreskin.
394
00:17:04,330 --> 00:17:07,651
Look, I'll go and I'll talk to them
and just ask them not to share it.
395
00:17:11,651 --> 00:17:16,209
OK, well, probably haven't got
that many followers anyway.
396
00:17:16,211 --> 00:17:17,452
CAR HORN BLARES
397
00:17:20,212 --> 00:17:22,732
Whoa! Nice house, Jack.
398
00:17:32,773 --> 00:17:34,451
You just move in?
399
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:35,893
Yeah, about two years ago.
400
00:17:39,373 --> 00:17:41,972
Oh, shit. I'd best text the
landlord.
401
00:17:41,974 --> 00:17:43,532
To change a light bulb?
402
00:17:43,534 --> 00:17:45,212
Yeah, course.
403
00:17:45,214 --> 00:17:46,972
Can I get a glass of water?
404
00:17:46,974 --> 00:17:48,574
Water in the tap.
405
00:17:54,895 --> 00:17:57,135
No glasses?
No.
406
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,493
This is what you guys do all day?
407
00:18:01,495 --> 00:18:03,893
Play PlayStation?
Normally, yeah.
408
00:18:03,895 --> 00:18:05,774
Well, in Kansas,
they'd fill our time for us,
409
00:18:05,776 --> 00:18:08,174
like we'd have
double training sessions or study.
410
00:18:08,176 --> 00:18:09,814
Of course, we do a lot of charity
work.
411
00:18:09,816 --> 00:18:11,654
We do charity stuff all the time.
412
00:18:11,656 --> 00:18:13,654
Always visiting the kids at the
hospital.
413
00:18:13,656 --> 00:18:16,054
I swear I know every single sick kid
within 50 miles.
414
00:18:16,056 --> 00:18:18,655
The maddest thing is, they only care
about the star names.
415
00:18:18,657 --> 00:18:20,975
They don't care about up-and-coming
talent.
416
00:18:20,977 --> 00:18:23,735
Last time I went, that kid
literally rolled his eyes at me.
417
00:18:23,737 --> 00:18:25,455
I think that was a seizure.
418
00:18:25,457 --> 00:18:28,815
Yeah. My days! You're butters on
this, Jack.
419
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,416
Yeah, I e-mailed them about it.
420
00:18:30,418 --> 00:18:31,816
Fuck me, you're slow!
421
00:18:31,818 --> 00:18:33,816
I mean, you are slow but not that
slow.
422
00:18:33,818 --> 00:18:36,456
Yeah, so slow I made the squad
for the game tomorrow and you never.
423
00:18:36,458 --> 00:18:38,616
Yeah, well, I don't mind sitting
in the stands
424
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:42,017
if I'm sitting next
to a smoking-hot Instachick.
425
00:18:42,019 --> 00:18:44,977
Wow, she is so disproportionately
attractive compared to you.
426
00:18:44,979 --> 00:18:47,777
Yeah, at the game she'll get the
full VIP treatment
427
00:18:47,779 --> 00:18:51,257
and then after the game she'll get
the full V-I-penis treatment.
428
00:18:51,259 --> 00:18:52,417
Round your mum's house?
429
00:18:52,419 --> 00:18:53,778
No. No, no, no. No.
430
00:18:53,780 --> 00:18:56,138
Getting some fresh wheels delivered
tomorrow.
431
00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:58,418
Going to drive her home. Perfect
gent.
432
00:18:58,420 --> 00:19:00,058
And then she's going to be like,
433
00:19:00,060 --> 00:19:02,218
"Want to come in for some coffee,
Benji?"
434
00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:04,818
I'm going to be like,
"Only if it's decaf, babes.
435
00:19:04,820 --> 00:19:06,579
"Sleep's important for recovery."
436
00:19:06,581 --> 00:19:09,499
And then she's going to be like,
"I meant come in for sex."
437
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:12,379
Then I'm going to say,
"Don't mind if I do, babes.
438
00:19:12,381 --> 00:19:14,699
"Don't mind if I do."
439
00:19:14,701 --> 00:19:16,219
And there you have it.
440
00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:17,740
A night of Mum-free sex.
441
00:19:17,742 --> 00:19:19,580
As opposed to the usual Mum-included
sex?
442
00:19:19,582 --> 00:19:22,660
You know, I've been meaning
to ask you guys something,
443
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,620
and don't take this as a weakness
on my part,
444
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:29,701
but do you think that Cesare
might have signed me by mistake?
445
00:19:29,703 --> 00:19:31,701
Don't know. I mean, how shit are
you?
446
00:19:31,703 --> 00:19:33,141
Tricky for me to answer.
447
00:19:33,143 --> 00:19:35,461
I mean, I am a professional
footballer, so there's that.
448
00:19:35,463 --> 00:19:38,741
Maybe the scouts see something.
Check his stats on FIFA.
449
00:19:38,743 --> 00:19:40,021
Kansas.
450
00:19:40,023 --> 00:19:41,862
Oh, they're bad.
451
00:19:41,864 --> 00:19:44,142
Erm, Matthew Sullivan, where are
you?
452
00:19:44,144 --> 00:19:45,622
No, you're not there. No card.
453
00:19:45,624 --> 00:19:47,262
What? Must be an old version.
454
00:19:47,264 --> 00:19:49,142
It's FIFA 20. Or you haven't
updated it yet.
455
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:50,782
Updated it this morning.
456
00:19:50,784 --> 00:19:53,543
You don't exist on FIFA?
Is that even possible?
457
00:19:53,545 --> 00:19:55,663
I think I really need to talk to
Cesare. Yes!
458
00:19:55,665 --> 00:19:57,983
Bow! Top bins! Oh, come on, just
press the button.
459
00:19:57,985 --> 00:20:00,943
No, I need to see the replay
and the full celebration.
460
00:20:00,945 --> 00:20:02,743
Just press it, will you?
461
00:20:02,745 --> 00:20:04,465
Yeah. Tomorrow.
462
00:20:06,666 --> 00:20:08,224
Huge game for Cesare's men
463
00:20:08,226 --> 00:20:12,664
if they want to avoid losing
four home games on the bounce.
464
00:20:12,666 --> 00:20:14,544
We've got to win this.
465
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,184
Every game is huge for us now.
466
00:20:16,186 --> 00:20:17,505
It's a must-win.
467
00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:18,945
Come on, boys. Come on!
468
00:20:18,947 --> 00:20:20,425
Ref?!
469
00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:21,547
You knobhead.
470
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:26,985
Can you see what Cesare's doing?
471
00:20:26,987 --> 00:20:28,865
Yes, managing a team. It's a
match.
472
00:20:28,867 --> 00:20:30,626
Those notes in those books. God, I
473
00:20:30,628 --> 00:20:33,026
would love to know what he's writing
in them.
474
00:20:33,028 --> 00:20:35,708
"Don't sign Mattie Sullivan -
he's not even on FIFA."
475
00:20:40,188 --> 00:20:43,427
Did you guys have to wear uniform?
Looks like I'm on day release.
476
00:20:43,429 --> 00:20:46,549
We're skiving off. Don't tell
anyone.
477
00:20:47,749 --> 00:20:50,429
Jack, get stripped. You're on.
478
00:20:51,589 --> 00:20:54,268
Yes, go on, boy.
Yes, Jack.
479
00:20:54,270 --> 00:20:56,348
Whoo!
480
00:20:56,350 --> 00:20:57,990
Come on, Jack!
481
00:20:59,350 --> 00:21:01,228
Coming on, number 16, Jack Sullivan.
482
00:21:01,230 --> 00:21:03,470
APPLAUSE
483
00:21:04,951 --> 00:21:06,989
REPORTER: Jack Turner, just on, and
484
00:21:06,991 --> 00:21:09,189
his first touch is to take this
corner.
485
00:21:09,191 --> 00:21:10,909
FANS: # Ohhh
486
00:21:10,911 --> 00:21:12,829
# He shits when he wants
487
00:21:12,831 --> 00:21:15,349
# He shits all the time
488
00:21:15,351 --> 00:21:17,190
# Jack Turner
489
00:21:17,192 --> 00:21:19,430
# What's wrong with his arse?
490
00:21:19,432 --> 00:21:21,510
# Bog roll, bog roll
491
00:21:21,512 --> 00:21:23,630
# Bog roll
492
00:21:23,632 --> 00:21:27,390
# Bog roll, bog roll, bog roll... #
493
00:21:27,392 --> 00:21:29,991
REFEREE'S WHISTLE BLOWS
494
00:21:29,993 --> 00:21:31,391
REPORTER: And the fans must be
495
00:21:31,393 --> 00:21:33,391
wondering what's happening at this
club.
496
00:21:33,393 --> 00:21:35,511
What's one more loss, eh?
497
00:21:35,513 --> 00:21:37,191
I genuinely hate this team.
498
00:21:37,193 --> 00:21:41,032
We go again! Come on!
499
00:21:41,034 --> 00:21:44,272
Er, guys, is the boss here?
500
00:21:44,274 --> 00:21:46,072
Ow! Fu...
501
00:21:46,074 --> 00:21:48,992
Did you tell some kids
I've got a long foreskin?
502
00:21:48,994 --> 00:21:50,952
Yes, to illustrate a point.
503
00:21:50,954 --> 00:21:53,113
I can't really...
504
00:21:53,115 --> 00:21:55,593
At least you're not naked this time.
505
00:21:55,595 --> 00:21:57,393
Ugh! Stop looking at my foreskin.
506
00:21:57,395 --> 00:21:59,635
Nah, come on, Petey, leave him.
507
00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:06,636
I want you out! You're bad luck!
508
00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:09,514
Where's Mattie?
509
00:22:09,516 --> 00:22:11,234
He's hiding in the cupboard.
510
00:22:11,236 --> 00:22:14,994
Don't worry, Petey. I got it pulled.
Not your foreskin, obviously -
511
00:22:14,996 --> 00:22:16,436
that would take too long.
512
00:22:17,477 --> 00:22:19,595
Mattie, Cesare's ready to see you.
513
00:22:19,597 --> 00:22:22,075
I'm sorry, the kids said they'd
share the video about Jack,
514
00:22:22,077 --> 00:22:23,675
but I didn't know they'd mention
515
00:22:23,677 --> 00:22:25,755
Petey's foreskin. Please don't be
angry.
516
00:22:25,757 --> 00:22:27,795
I am angry about that, but it can
wait.
517
00:22:27,797 --> 00:22:29,518
Now you've got to see the boss.
518
00:22:32,358 --> 00:22:33,676
I'm scared of Petey.
519
00:22:33,678 --> 00:22:35,076
LAUGHTER
520
00:22:35,078 --> 00:22:36,316
I'll look after you.
521
00:22:36,318 --> 00:22:38,196
You said you would stab me in the
back.
522
00:22:38,198 --> 00:22:39,678
Oh, I will, but not right now.
523
00:22:41,799 --> 00:22:43,797
LAUGHTER
524
00:22:43,799 --> 00:22:47,759
There's my big brave boy. Come on.
525
00:22:50,519 --> 00:22:52,800
KNOCK ON DOOR
Signor Cesare?
526
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,198
Hey, Mattie.
527
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,720
Mattie, come.
528
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,038
Have a glass.
529
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,038
Enjoy with me.
530
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,158
It's OK.
531
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,201
You're a good boy.
532
00:23:08,441 --> 00:23:10,079
Values.
533
00:23:10,081 --> 00:23:11,439
Sorry?
534
00:23:11,441 --> 00:23:13,519
Values, Mattie.
535
00:23:13,521 --> 00:23:16,639
When I come to England, I respect
values.
536
00:23:16,641 --> 00:23:18,520
I build.
537
00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:20,760
I succeed...I think. Do you think?
538
00:23:20,762 --> 00:23:22,480
Oh, my goodness. Yes. Yeah.
539
00:23:22,482 --> 00:23:25,040
Hmm. Yeah. Your teams have been
amazing.
540
00:23:25,042 --> 00:23:27,120
As a kid, I dreamt of playing for
you.
541
00:23:27,122 --> 00:23:29,561
I nearly fainted when my agent told
me about your interest.
542
00:23:29,563 --> 00:23:32,641
Yes, yes, always before...manager
come,
543
00:23:32,643 --> 00:23:34,801
"Have a glass of Barolo," but now,
544
00:23:34,803 --> 00:23:39,441
"Hey, shut up, old wop prick!"
for 90 minuto.
545
00:23:39,443 --> 00:23:42,042
Then cry with press if I don't shake
hand.
546
00:23:42,044 --> 00:23:43,962
Then fuck off home!
547
00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:45,562
I'm not wop prick.
548
00:23:45,564 --> 00:23:46,924
They prick.
549
00:23:48,804 --> 00:23:51,642
Like I said, I always dreamt
of playing for you.
550
00:23:51,644 --> 00:23:55,323
Never really thought I had what it
took to play Cesare-ball.
551
00:23:55,325 --> 00:23:56,883
But you must have seen something.
552
00:23:56,885 --> 00:23:59,283
Yes. You come from Academy.
553
00:23:59,285 --> 00:24:02,443
Oh, no. No, no, no. No. No, I was
just signed from Kansas this week.
554
00:24:02,445 --> 00:24:03,963
Yes?
555
00:24:03,965 --> 00:24:05,366
Yes. Oh.
556
00:24:06,526 --> 00:24:09,644
Something I remember,
something I don't remember.
557
00:24:09,646 --> 00:24:12,244
Too many things
to write down all the time.
558
00:24:12,246 --> 00:24:13,644
Well, you're famous for it.
559
00:24:13,646 --> 00:24:16,364
I mean, all those notes
over all those years.
560
00:24:16,366 --> 00:24:18,685
And I hope to coach one day and...
Hey, Mattie,
561
00:24:18,687 --> 00:24:24,687
if you speak this much,
I sit down, I get comfortable, huh?
562
00:24:26,567 --> 00:24:29,366
You are a smart boy.
563
00:24:29,368 --> 00:24:31,728
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Please, please sit down, erm...
564
00:24:32,808 --> 00:24:35,686
I do have one question for you,
though.
565
00:24:35,688 --> 00:24:38,408
Kind of a big question for me.
566
00:24:39,808 --> 00:24:42,167
Why did you sign me?
567
00:24:42,169 --> 00:24:43,807
Wasn't to sell shirts, was it?
568
00:24:43,809 --> 00:24:46,487
No, I'm sure it wasn't. And you
wouldn't even think like that.
569
00:24:46,489 --> 00:24:49,167
I'm just such a left-field choice,
and... Sorry.
570
00:24:49,169 --> 00:24:52,888
I didn't mean to ask. I'm just
nervous and-and out of my depth.
571
00:24:52,890 --> 00:24:55,848
Or not. Or maybe I'm not.
Maybe I was a stats decision.
572
00:24:55,850 --> 00:24:57,568
But then, I'm not even on FIFA, so
573
00:24:57,570 --> 00:25:00,890
how did you find me and what did you
see in me? Why did you want me?
574
00:25:02,650 --> 00:25:04,288
I fucked up.
575
00:25:04,290 --> 00:25:05,689
I'm sorry.
576
00:25:05,691 --> 00:25:08,129
How can I ask a legend like you
these questions?
577
00:25:08,131 --> 00:25:10,771
I am a piece of shit.
578
00:25:12,331 --> 00:25:13,849
I'm going.
579
00:25:13,851 --> 00:25:15,809
LABOURED BREATH
580
00:25:15,811 --> 00:25:16,970
Oh...
581
00:25:16,972 --> 00:25:18,650
Er, no. Oh, God.
582
00:25:18,652 --> 00:25:19,970
Er, no, no, no, no.
583
00:25:19,972 --> 00:25:23,010
Er, sir, please don't be dead.
Er...er...
584
00:25:23,012 --> 00:25:25,252
CESARE SNORES
Oh.
585
00:25:28,693 --> 00:25:30,891
No, you're alive. Of course you're
not dead.
586
00:25:30,893 --> 00:25:33,573
I just...bored you to sleep.
587
00:25:34,733 --> 00:25:37,131
Nice. Good work, Mattie.
588
00:25:37,133 --> 00:25:40,133
Well, OK, thank you for your time.
589
00:25:42,174 --> 00:25:44,414
SNORING CONTINUES
590
00:25:57,535 --> 00:25:58,893
Sudoku.
591
00:25:58,895 --> 00:25:59,935
Great.
592
00:26:00,935 --> 00:26:02,255
What a fucking mess.
593
00:26:03,655 --> 00:26:06,694
Everything all right?
Actually, not sure.
594
00:26:06,696 --> 00:26:09,254
One minute we were talking,
next minute he fell asleep.
595
00:26:09,256 --> 00:26:12,334
Yeah, he has a low tolerance
for boring people.
596
00:26:12,336 --> 00:26:13,974
Goodnight, Mattie.
597
00:26:13,976 --> 00:26:15,736
Yeah. Great. Goodnight.
598
00:26:18,737 --> 00:26:21,137
Mo, can you and Raul come up?
599
00:26:22,097 --> 00:26:24,937
Yep, out like a light.
You'll have to carry him again.
600
00:26:26,377 --> 00:26:28,858
No, he looks dry down there.
601
00:26:32,178 --> 00:26:34,336
And this is where we park the cars.
602
00:26:34,338 --> 00:26:37,536
Oh, cheers, mate. It's been a great
night. Shame about the result.
603
00:26:37,538 --> 00:26:40,336
Bet you didn't expect to be sitting
next to two coppers, did you?
604
00:26:40,338 --> 00:26:42,737
No, that's not what I expected.
Benji Achebe?
605
00:26:42,739 --> 00:26:45,737
Yeah. Got your new car.
Ah! Oh!
606
00:26:45,739 --> 00:26:48,297
Not another uninsured Bentley, I
hope. No, no, no.
607
00:26:48,299 --> 00:26:50,737
Learnt my lesson. You're going to
love this, babe, promise.
608
00:26:50,739 --> 00:26:52,377
Yeah? Yeah, come on.
609
00:26:52,379 --> 00:26:54,778
Not you two... Oh, fine.
610
00:26:54,780 --> 00:26:57,660
Here it is! Ha-ha! Yeah!
611
00:26:59,860 --> 00:27:02,858
Whoo! Bit of a step-down,
Benji.
612
00:27:02,860 --> 00:27:04,178
Best of both worlds. I mean, it
613
00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:06,579
looks the shit, but with affordable
insurance, huh?
614
00:27:06,581 --> 00:27:08,899
Now, if you'll excuse us, officers,
we've got to roll.
615
00:27:08,901 --> 00:27:11,579
Is this for real?
I thought you had a Bentley.
616
00:27:11,581 --> 00:27:13,179
Come on, I'll explain later. Just...
617
00:27:13,181 --> 00:27:15,939
Presumably you've registered
the colour change with the DVLA.
618
00:27:15,941 --> 00:27:17,820
With who? Changing the colour of a
619
00:27:17,822 --> 00:27:20,300
car without informing the DVLA is
illegal.
620
00:27:20,302 --> 00:27:22,500
But it's the original colour
underneath.
621
00:27:22,502 --> 00:27:23,860
Yeah, that don't matter. It's
622
00:27:23,862 --> 00:27:25,860
visible colour. You can't drive
this.
623
00:27:25,862 --> 00:27:27,900
Is this some joke ting?
No joke ting.
624
00:27:27,902 --> 00:27:30,301
What about the VIP tickets? The
dinner?
625
00:27:30,303 --> 00:27:32,541
Attempting to bribe a police officer
is punishable
626
00:27:32,543 --> 00:27:34,221
with up to ten years in prison.
What?
627
00:27:34,223 --> 00:27:36,661
No, I didn't. No, I was just..
628
00:27:36,663 --> 00:27:38,461
Mate, we're winding you up.
629
00:27:38,463 --> 00:27:41,342
See? Old Bill can banter too.
630
00:27:41,344 --> 00:27:43,382
See you later, mate.
631
00:27:43,384 --> 00:27:45,022
So can I drive this home, yeah?
632
00:27:45,024 --> 00:27:46,384
BOTH: No!
633
00:27:48,344 --> 00:27:50,022
All right, help me pick this off.
634
00:27:50,024 --> 00:27:52,262
It can't take us more than, what,
20 minutes?
635
00:27:52,264 --> 00:27:55,343
I am not wasting a £40 manicure
on a shitty Ford Focus.
636
00:27:55,345 --> 00:27:56,783
Call an Uber.
637
00:27:56,785 --> 00:27:58,183
I can't. That's another story.
638
00:27:58,185 --> 00:27:59,743
You can't even get an Uber?
639
00:27:59,745 --> 00:28:01,343
For the duration of that journey,
640
00:28:01,345 --> 00:28:03,823
that's my car, and I barely spilled
any.
641
00:28:03,825 --> 00:28:05,464
Can't you call it?
642
00:28:05,466 --> 00:28:06,984
Yeah. I can.
643
00:28:06,986 --> 00:28:09,104
An Uber for one. Bye.
644
00:28:09,106 --> 00:28:12,104
Yeah. Bye.
I can pay you back. Come on.
645
00:28:12,106 --> 00:28:14,984
They don't even make Ubers for
one. Oh, piss off!
646
00:28:14,986 --> 00:28:18,905
Ah, second-hand toilet paper.
Nice. Yeah, they're Jack's brand.
647
00:28:18,907 --> 00:28:21,825
Oh, they'll forget all about that.
What, the fans? Never.
648
00:28:21,827 --> 00:28:24,065
Not until the day you retire.
Then not even after that.
649
00:28:24,067 --> 00:28:27,225
Yeah, in 50 years they'll still be
giving you rolls of toilet paper.
650
00:28:27,227 --> 00:28:29,306
Oh, sound. How are we getting home
again?
651
00:28:29,308 --> 00:28:31,546
Here, help me pick this off
and I'll give you a lift.
652
00:28:31,548 --> 00:28:33,748
Can't take us more than, what, four
hours?
653
00:28:35,908 --> 00:28:39,026
How was your chat with Cesare,
then? Yeah, good.
654
00:28:39,028 --> 00:28:40,507
Still got that fire, hasn't he?
655
00:28:40,509 --> 00:28:43,027
Don't know. Not understood a word
he's said in five years.
656
00:28:43,029 --> 00:28:46,307
Oh, this is wrong, man!
I'm going to drive it anyway.
657
00:28:46,309 --> 00:28:47,707
Come on, Benji, it's not worth it.
658
00:28:47,709 --> 00:28:50,269
Nah, nah, nah. I've got a plan.
659
00:28:51,829 --> 00:28:54,028
Ha-ha! I'm a genius.
660
00:28:54,030 --> 00:28:57,188
If they can't see the colour, they
can't tell me it's the wrong colour.
661
00:28:57,190 --> 00:28:59,308
Could work.
It's not going to work.
662
00:28:59,310 --> 00:29:03,028
Hey, that's about six months' worth
of toilet paper you've used.
663
00:29:03,030 --> 00:29:04,789
I'll roll it up again after I get
home.
664
00:29:04,791 --> 00:29:06,309
SIREN WAILS
665
00:29:06,311 --> 00:29:08,591
Oh, allow it, man.
Told you.
666
00:29:09,991 --> 00:29:13,711
HIP-HOP MUSIC
78488
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