Original subtitles

-♪ -[owl hooting]

Yeah.

Get it, son.

Aah!

-[growling] -[gasping, grunting]

[spits]

["Come On Eileen" byDexys Midnight Runners playing]

-What the blazes? You've got to be kidding. -I didn't say anything.

-Please, just... -Shut up. I'm not talking to you, jogger man.

What was the name of that song?

-[mumbles]: "Come On Eileen." -Speak up.

"Come On Eileen."

-From when? -1982, maybe?

Like hell it was.

-♪ Come on Eileen...♪-I've been robbed. I say robbed!

-NANDOR: What is the great emergency? -Shush.

Someone has stolen oneof Laszlo's songs that he wrote.

-Did you really write "Come On Eileen"? -Yes, I did.

I wrote this melody in 1852.

It was called "Chum on Irene."

An ode to the local fishmonger's missus, Irene.

Charming lady. My darling, willyou tell him to turn that off?

-Silence this machine. -[music stops]

I've been shit on from a great height.

-[doorbell rings] -And it's not the first time. -Tell them about

-"For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."-I wrote that song.

"For IAm a Jolly Good Fellow."

That's what it was originally called.

I'm. Not he or she. I'm.

[Laszlo speaking in distance]

-Hello. -Greetings.

Is Nandor at home?

Maybe. Who are you?

I'm his familiar, Benjy Everett.

Nandor's gonna make me a vampire.

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪

♪ They have no use for your song♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world.♪

♪

Such a wonderful surprise.

-It's... -[whispers]: Benjy.

...Benjy.

-How long has it been? -40 years, Master.

40 years. Wow,

you haven't aged a bit.

Benjy was my familiar

for a time during the 1970s.

He was fine, but he was quite vocal

about his desire to become a vampire.

So irritating.

I couldn't take it anymore,

so I hypnotized him to forget about us here.

Then I left him

in a rest stop.

In Delaware.

Don't feel bad for me.

-I don't. -I've had an outstanding life.

Got to thank my missus for that.

-Paula saved me. She found me wandering around -Aw.

at a rest stop in Delaware,

high on drugs, talking ragtime.

She got me cleaned up.

Helped me land a job in the insurance game.

That's a fantastic industry.

But how did you find your way back here?

Paula got me to try Lumosity.

Keep the brain sharp.

This is a herb or elixir?

-It's an app on the phone, Ma...-Shh. Let him talk.

It's an app on the phone.

After about a week on it, all these

memories came flooding back,

-Aw, shit. Mm. -Staten Island,

Nandor, Laszlo...

-Memories. -Nadja,

that Dilbert-looking guy?

BOTH [quietly]: Colin Robinson.

That's when I realized-- Nandor,

you son of a bitch.

You were testing me.

Yes.

I'm ready to be a vampire.

NANDOR: Congratulations.

But first, Benjy, you must rest.

Guillermo, show Benjy to the, uh,

-bigroom. -Oh, I know the way.

This place hasn't changed at all.

Ah! Here's another onethat was cruelly stolen from me.

Now sung in every schoolyard across the land.

But this is the original.

♪ Stroke, stroke, stroke your cock♪

-[humming along] -♪ Hurry, make it cream♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily♪

-♪ Ah, ha, ha, hee, hee.♪-♪ Life could use more cream.♪

What I love about it is you wouldn't expect it

to rhyme "cream" with "cream."

NADJA: My Laszlo has always

been quite musical.

It's true, I can play anything,

I don't give a monkey's.

Whether it's a three-way plunk box,

-Antoine Sax's metallic clarinet, -NADJA: Oh, yes.

-or the chimp grinder's wind piano. -NADJA: Mm.

But I'll tell you this, my luck changed

the night I met Nadja,

for she is an exquisite lyricist.

Guilty, Your Honor.

Send me down.

See?

Laszlo, I love this one. Shall we do it?

♪ Whatever happened♪

♪ To sweet Daisy Lou?♪

♪ Her hoop skirt was a poop skirt♪

♪ When she couldn't find the♪

-COLIN: Hello! -♪ Loo.♪

Hi.

-LASZLO: What do you want? -That sounded great.

Have you ever thought of maybe performing live?

Kind of a "300 Years of Great Music"?

But no one has even heard most of these songs.

"Witches Are Snitches."

"Horse-Drawn Carriage Full of Ass."

"Wannabe."

If you want, I can put out some feelers.

Well, if you can sort out a concert, we might turn up.

I'll see what I can do, daddy-o.

-Rock on. -Yeah. -Okay.

Nothing unlocks anger and boredom

-[Nadja singing in distance] -quite like old-timey music.

[giggles]: I'm excited.

Wow.

Can you believe I slept in this closet

ten years?

That's my old pillow.

God, I used to beat off into that thing every night.

-Oh, not that pillow. -Definitely that one.

Same sheets, too.

Hey, can I come to the familiarmixer with you tonight?

-Yeah, sure. -My last chance to kick up my heels as a familiar

before they make me a vampire.

Thank you, Guillermo.

It's a lot livelier than I remember.

What?

-Freddy? Benjy Everett. -Benjy. Ah.

GUILLERMO: I guess these mixers started as a way for familiars

to network and exchange work techniques,

but it's mostly bitching.

And sad hookups.

My vampire let me drive here,

so if you need a ride anywhere,

-or if you just want to, like, sit and chat or... -Aw...

-whatever... -Is that Celeste?

-I'm gonna go say hi. -You know, you don't even have to do anything, you know.

So she was like, "Screw it,

I'm just gonna make you a vampire." [laughs]

-BRAD: Did it hurt? -Yes. It did.

-Hey, Celeste. -CELESTE: It did.

[gasps] Hi!

-Elmo! -Guillermo.

-Hello. -[chuckles]

Celeste was a familiar that I used to help out

when she had too many bodies that she couldn't get rid of.

Her master was a 12-year-old girl.

She's been 12 for 150 years.

I'd say her job hasn't been easy.

She's paid her dues, and...

she's a vampire now.

I am so...

happy for her.

That's so cool that you are now a...

Are... Is that real...

blood?

I vape it. Delicious.

I mean, it's delicious to me, now that I'm a vampire,

-but you'd probably hate it. -Probably like it if I was.

No. It's not for you.

You'd be like... [coughing]

Hey, you're still working for Nandor, right?

Uh, I've been there 11 years, so...

11 years? [hisses]

Wow. Well, I'm not doing it like that.

I've promised all of my familiars that they'll be

vampires within eight months, maximum.

-Eight months? -I'm building

a vampire community.

We will have vampire music, vampire dance,

vampire origami,

-vampire maths. -Wow.

Are you fully staffed, or do...

Oh, I don't poach. Vampire code.

I mean, my door's always open.

But you have to be free and clear of your current master.

-So it's really up to you. -Celeste.

Sorry. This-this is Karen.

-Karen is, like, dying to meet you. -Hi, I'm Karen.

-She's, like, a big fan.-I'm so interested in your work.-Dying to meet me.

-Dying to meet you. -Sorry. -BENJY: I know it's gonna

happen to me. I know I'm gonna be a vampire.

-I can feel it. It's gonna happen. -Wait, wait. Benjy. Benjy.

Benjy. Benjy. I think I'm up first,

'cause I've been around a lot longer than you.

-Okay. -You know.

♪ Documentary crew♪

♪ I want to eat you♪

♪ So, so bad...♪

-What? What's wrong? -Nothing.

I like the end of that one,

I just feel like we're trying to be too contemporary.

Oh, my darling, all of our greatest hits have been songs

that really captured the spiritof the time, like, um,

-the one about the Olympics. -Oh, yes.

♪ Pole vaulting, long jumping, we're all quite impressed♪

♪ Tell us, Mr. Hitler♪

♪ What do you have planned next?♪

I'm not sure that's aged well.

You know what?

If we slide your coffin over a little,

we could put my coffin right next to it.

Yes, I'll get right on that, Benjy.

-[sighs] -[knocking]

Excuse me, Master,may I speak with you in private?

I would like that. Uh, Benjy?

Leave us. This sounds important.

-I got to take a leak, anyway. -You do that.

[sighs] Thank you for that, Guillermo.

Are there any places in America

that are further away than Delaware?

Yes, of course, but I needto speak to you about something.

-It's personal. -Oh, no.

No, it's okay, Guillermo. You really don't have to.

If it's difficult to say, it's probably best...

-Take a seat, Master. -Oh... shit.

[exhales sharply]

[Nandor straining]

Master, are you planning on making me a vampire?

Are you bullshitting me on this?

How is it that now

everyone thinks they can be a vampire?

I told you before, we'll talk about it later.

You always want to talk about it later. Well, what if

I have a better offer right now? Hmm?

-What, right now? -Yes.

[snorts] Then you should take it.

What?

You should take it.

Well, then, I will.

-Okay, then do. -Okay, then, I will.

Okay, then, you should.

-Then I'll take it. Okay. -Okay, go.

Great.

Well... are you...

are you gonna be all right without me?

Yes, I'll be fine.

Thankfully, Benjy has returned,

and Benjy

is the best familiar I've ever had.

So everything will be okay-A.

A-okay.

O-A-kay.

A-okay.

As I said.

Well, thank you. I learned a lot from you.

[mutters]: You're being stupid.

What was that?

Uh, nothing.

I didn't say anything.

Okay, then.

NANDOR: I treated

Guillermo like a son,

and this is how he repays me?

I held that little guy in my arms

so he could pretend to fly.

GUILLERMO: Disrespected, unappreciated,

overlooked.

I made him some kind

of glitter picture on his birthday.

I did all kinds of shit

for him that I can't even think of right now.

So that's why

I can't be here anymore.

NANDOR: Listen to me, little man.

From Panera Bread you came,

and to Panera Bread you shall return.

Hello?

-[gasps] -Hi.

Guillermo!

[hisses] Come in.

Mwah. You brought friends.

Ah. Hello. [laughs]

Wow.

CELESTE: Welcome. Come in.

GUILLERMO: Does your master still

-live here with you? -Ugh, no.

Houston and her clique are downin Florida hunting pervs.

-Cool. -Everyone, let's welcome Guillermo.

-Hi, Guillermo. -Hi.

-[cat meows] -And you know Sam, of course?

GUILLERMO: Oh, yeah. Hey, what's up, Sam?

CELESTE: His familiar skills are just unreal.

He did all of this himself.

The plating, the charcuterie. Can you imagine?

With those little paws. He's a genius.

-Oh. -Sit.

Welcome, everyone.

Your presence is a blessing and a privilege.

So I just have a few rules.

Number one, listen.

Because we are here to grow.

-Yes, Master. -No "master." I don't believe in that bullshit.

We don't do that here.

It's okay, you're new. And one final thing.

Since Guillermo was the last one here,

it's his turn to go get the Shake Shack.

-Really? Shake Shack? -Yes.

-What should I get? -Get Shake Shack.

-Shake Shack for everyone. -Yeah.

-[laughing] -CELESTE: Hurry.

Let's take this furniture outside.

-I don't like it anymore. -Okay. Totally.

[grunts]

Anytime tomorrow, Benjy.

I'm sorry. I tweaked the old back last week

-playing golf with the grandson.-I'm not interested.

Might be easier if I just go get you a new pair.

-Do you have five bucks? -That's not what shoes cost anymore.

What happened to those white platform shoes?

-I gave them away to a homeless.-You looked so tall in them.

-Well, they were stupid. -So, what do you boogie in?

-I... -You can't boogie in these.

I don't boogie.

-Nobody boogies anymore. -Oh.

-What are you doing? -You got me thinking

about playing golf with my grandson.

-[groans] -You got to see this kid.

He swings a club like a young Tiger...

-Tiger. -Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods. That's the fella.

I don't even know what "jolf" is,

but I know his name is Tiger Woods.

Where the hell's his picture?

That's my finger. That's my finger.

That's my finger.

♪ My baby's gone, got me feeling so low♪

♪ My Lindbergh baby, where did he go?♪

No. Laszlo, it is too fast.

-It has to have a ballad tempo.-No, it doesn't.

You seem to forget that I am the tempo king.

Oh, well, Your Majesty, please,may I take some tea with you

and ask you to slow it down?!

Nadja, if we slowed this down,it would stop forever and a day.

NADJA: I am now remembering why

me and Laszlo haven't collaborated in decades.

Because sometimes he can be a giant dipshit with no taste.

LASZLO: She does have a way with words,

but sometimes those words drive me fucking insane.

NADJA: You haven't had

an original idea since 1925, when you decided

to go down on mefor the first time in 200 years.

-Biggest mistake I ever made. -[gasps]

You said I tasted like goats' cheese.

Anyway, how dare you?

I was doing the bloody disco

a hundred years before any other fucker.

I gave you that idea. Colin Robinson,

this is a private conversation.

Sorry, I-I just wanted to pop in and say

-be sure you do some new songs.-Why?

Every time I go to a rock concert and the singer says,

"Okay, we're gonna take a breakfrom the hits and do

some of our new material," the crowd goes bananas.

-[grunting] -NANDOR: I have been wondering

if perhaps I was a little too relentless

with Guillermo.

Get out of the way.

Like all humans approaching death,

Benjy is mostly interested in "jolf".

-Watch the hips. -Uh, yeah. Okay.

Shoot... Chop that thing!

He's not as strong as Guillermo,

nor as quick.

He's frail,

like a baby.

A big, wrinkly baby

that smells of

mashed potatoes.

Let me do it.

Sorry, Master. I'll be strongerwhen I'm a vampire.

So I think I'll pay Guillermo a visit.

Watch out, there's a slippy bit.

He must be dying to come back by now.

-Do you like my room? -Uh, yes.

It's very nice. Big.

-Is that me? -No.

-That's me. -Nope.

That's you.

That's not...

If I knew you liked big rooms, you know,

maybe I could've moved you into the big blue room

-upstairs in Staten Island. -No.

I don't need more room at that house.

You know, Celeste always comes in here and just talks.

Well, I like just talking, too.

-Since when? -Since...

-Since... -Okay.

I'm gonna go see what everyone else is doing.

-But I thought we were just talking. -We're not talking.

[stammers]

[dance music playing]

The fuck is that shit?

Ah! And the couch over here but upright,

-because that's how I sleep now.-Why are you being like this?

-Come on. -CELESTE: All the young vampires

are switching to couches.

GUILLERMO: These are my people now.

Guillermo! Come, practice.

It's interpretive dance,

so you need to be telling a story

using your body.

Like Pam. Good luck.

You don't need to be doing that.

Yes, I do.

[coughs]

Be kind to Guillermo.

-CELESTE: What? -Nothing.

Sorry. Can I get...

You mind if I... Just going to go this way.

Fucking girl.

MAN: Why is that when I eat M&M'S,

M&M'S thinks that I have to be horny?

Worked better at the Cellar. Okay.

-Thank you so much... -Colin Robinson,

what is an open mic night?

It's a prestigious showcase of top-level talent.

They call it "open mic" because

they only open the mic for the best of the best.

-Naturally. -So, we're gonna switch things up

with a little bit of music for you right now.

Coming at you from the deepest part of Staten Island,

-let's give a warm Chop House welcome to... -Oh.

-...Lass... -LASZLO: Laszlo, dickhead.

Lassezlo undNadia.

NADJA [chuckles]: Hello, everybody.

I'm Nadja, and this is Laszlo, and we are Nadja and Laszlo,

the human music group.

[scattered applause]

This is a love song to my wife, Nadja.

♪ You took my heart like no one♪

♪ In this town♪

♪ In this town♪

♪ When we make love♪

-♪ We fly up and down♪ -♪ Up and down♪

-♪ Up and down♪ -♪ Up and...♪

Ugh, the couch.

I hate it now.

Go. Fix it.

Uh, Celeste? Sorry to bug.

You said you were gonna start making us vampires, quote,

"Hopefully within the week." And that was last week.

Is someone talking to me right now?

GUILLERMO: That's actually true.

You did say that. And I don't want

-to be a bugaboo. -CELESTE: Bugaboo?

But you know what it's like for us.

What is this, an ambush?

BRAD: Sort of, like, a timeline

-would mean a l-lot. -Okay.

-Music! -[music stops playing]

I'm just making sure that the vibe

is right before I start making all of you vamps.

-Right? -KAREN: Well,

that's what you said last week.

CELESTE: Yeah, I'm still not feeling the vibe, Karen.

Okay. We just need

a change in energy. I think it'll do us a lot of good.

Right? So, who's ready...

for an orgy?

Anyone?

-Me. -Anyone here?

-I'll have an orgy. -Yeah, I know you will. -Let's go,

-let's do it. Okay, let's do it.-KAREN: Do you want to... -GUILLERMO: No.

This song is called "Transformation."

-♪ Bat, bat, bat♪ -♪ Bat♪

♪ Bat♪

-♪ Bat, bat♪ -♪ Bat.♪

♪ We're feeling horny for blood♪

♪ We're feeling horny for love♪

♪ We're feeling horny for love♪

♪ We're feeling horny for love.♪

♪ Are you calling from afar?♪

♪ No, I'm calling from my car♪

♪ But how can that be?♪

♪ Electronically♪

♪ Cellular telephone craze.♪

WOMAN: Boo.

CELESTE: Prepare to orgy.

Close your eyes,

remember all of the criticism

you had from me, and just get rid of it.

Get rid of it. Throw it away.

-[pounding on door] -GIRL [in distance]: Celeste!

-Oh, my God. -Why is the door locked?

Oh, shit, they're back!

You guys got to get the fuck out of here!

-Go! Go! Run! -[indistinct chatter]

Um, Master, uh, I thoughtyou wouldn't be back for, like,

-another month. -Do you have people over?

-[snarls] -You're not a real vampire, are you?

She was never gonna make me a fucking vampire, okay?

I just had to know what it felt like.

[all shrieking]

CELESTE: Welcome home, Master.

I brought you these mortals.

Are you pleased? [screams]

LASZLO: This next one is a favorite

of the fella that my wife and I live with.

He's called Nandor,

and this is called "Let's Do the Disco."

-♪ -[audience booing]

-♪ Do the disco♪ -Okay, get off the stage!

LASZLO: ♪ In New York City.♪

-[screaming] -Guillermo! Save Sam!

Save Sam!

Don't look back, Sam. Don't look back.

-[exclaims] -[Sam meows]

[audience booing, clamoring]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, you can't do that!

-Fuck you! -[booing]

-The show was going terribly. -So,

we played "The Seafaring Song" from 1792.

-[audience jeering] -[clears throat]

-MAN: Boo! -♪

♪ Aruba, Jamaica♪

♪ Ooh, I wanna take ya♪

♪ Bermuda, Bahama♪

♪ Come on, pretty mama...♪

And that got them

really going.

-How do they know the words? -No idea.

♪ Down on the Florida Keys...♪

[woman whoops]

♪ There's a place called Kokomo♪

♪ That's where we wanna go.♪

-We killed. -Well, we literally did.

We killed some of them at the end.

Such a magical evening.

-Run, Sam. Run! -[meows]

[panting]

-Guillermo. -[screams]

I was at the orgy, and e... and everyone was attacked,

-and they're all dead. -I don't want to know about that.

Stop gloating. Very difficult for me to say,

so just let me get this out.

I know how happy you are with this Celeste,

but I have been very unhappy since you left.

I just want to know what I can do

to bring you back home.

Oh.

Well,

I want to feel more respected

and appreciated.

And I want a day off.

-What, like, every year? -No.

-Celeste would give us a day off each week. -What?

She dresses herself that day?

Like some cave pig?

Yeesh.

-Okay, fine. Once a week. -And better snacks.

What's wrong with the ice chips?

-Ice is not a snack. -Disagree.

But I'm not much of a snacker.

Am I not a good familiar to you?

You're a great familiar.

Thank you. So you'll make me into a vampire.

-Did I promise that? -You did.

-11 years ago.-I don't... That's a long time.

-That's a long time. You did. -I... Did I really, though?

-I may have been talking in my sleep. -11 years. I've been here

-for 11 years, all right? -Okay, well, you know...

-You know, maybe Celeste would want me. -Okay, okay, fine.

I promise.

[sighs] I can't say when, but...

I will. Okay?

You want to come back or not?

-That's not necessary. -Oh. I thought...

-I got a feeling that it was okay. -It's not.

-I got you this. -Aw.

-It's for beating off purposes.-Mm.

-Wow. -Come now, Guillermo.

Assume the position.

Ready?

[grunts]

[Guillermo whoops]

Aw.

NANDOR: I'm not going back to get it.

♪ When I meet my maker♪

♪ Oh, it's just so fun♪

♪ Yeah, I'm gonna tell him♪

♪ Where he went wrong...♪

-BENJY: Where are we? -NANDOR: I don't know.

-But it's your home now. -BENJY: Okay.

NANDOR: Guillermo, step on it.

GUILLERMO: You're just gonna leave him here?

-NANDOR: Drive. -BENJY: Bye.

NANDOR: Hey, look where you're going.

[chuckles]

[screams]

LASZLO:♪ You took my heart like no one♪

LASZLO & NADJA: ♪ In this town♪

♪ In this town♪

♪ In this town♪

NADJA:♪ Tonight♪ -LASZLO:♪ When we make love we fly♪

LASZLO & NADJA:♪ Up and down♪

♪ Up and down♪

♪ Up and down♪

♪ Tonight.♪

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH