All language subtitles for The Law and the Lady (1951).eng

* On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me *

* A partridge in a pear tree *

* On the second
day of Christmas *

* My true love sent to me *

* Two turtledoves *

* And a partridge
in a pear tree *

* On the third day
of Christmas **

'A little bit extra for all of us.'

'If you'd get out of bed
earlier in the morning'

'and spend less time singing'

'you might not have
to find excuses.'

'All of you girls are the same.'

- 'Anything to put off work.'
- 'Yes, milady.'

'I don't like coming home'

'and finding you going
about on the double.'

'It makes me quite nervous.'

You were not expected
so early, milady.

And as a result,
the bed is not warmed.

I was about to
attend to it, milady.

Nor is there any hot milk.

I'll fetch it
immediately, milady.

Might I inquire why you've
been pawing through my jewels?

But I haven't been.

Then what is my case
doing on my powder table?

You must have left
it there, milady.

My earrings are missing.

Are you suggesting
that I've got them?

I'm suggesting that
you're the only one

who has access to my room.

My earrings, please.

Someone's been at
the whiskey again, Sybil.

I must have sacked
the wrong footman.

Look, look, I made a mark

on the decanter
before we left tonight

and some devil's drunk
a good inch of it.

Henry, listen to me carefully

if you can possibly manage it.

You're to communicate with
Scotland Yard instantly.

There's no need for that.
I'll just sack another footman.

It isn't the whiskey, milord.

It's that milady
has most capriciously

accused me of
stealing her earrings.

Well, cough 'em up.

But I haven't got them.

She hasn't got 'em.

Henry, will you do as I say?

It'll be much simpler, my girl

if you'd return them
with no more fuss.

I give you my word, milord.

I haven't got them.

I'll send for Scotland Yard.

Oh, no.

You can check with
them at the pub.

They know all about me
down there, they do.

I'll check, never you mind.

You may all go to your rooms.

I would say they were
clear, all of them.

Of course, they're
clear, you dolt.

The girl is the thief.

The moment you're
kind to servants

they take advantage.

I gave the girl two
nights off last month

and this is how she
shows her gratitude.

Come here, my girl.

Come on. Come on.

Now, then, are you ready
to change your story?

No, I've been in
service a long time

and I have the very
highest recommendations.

Lady Minden checked
them scrupulously

before she engaged me.

Not scrupulously
enough, apparently.

Arrest the girl, inspector.

'Good evening.'

You're the spittin' image
of one another, you are.

The resemblance, I'm
happy to say, ends there.

This is my twin brother.

- Milord.
- I'm not your Lord.

I am Mr. Duxbury.

The most I can scrape
up is an honorable

though even that is
a subject of debate.

Nigel, stop being witty
in front of strangers.

Inspector, it would appear

we're about to have
a family consultation.

It'll only bore you.
Therefore, we'll excuse you.

Goodnight, inspector.

Stay where you are, inspector.

Don't be so hasty,
Sybil, my love.

You do want your
earrings back, don't you?

It can only be
arranged in private.

Then goodnight, inspector.

- What about the girl?
- The girl stays.

Goodnight, inspector.

Goodnight.

Really, Nigel!

Speak to him, Henry!

Well, really, Nigel.

I fancy that puts
you in the clear.

I think perhaps I ought explain.

This afternoon, I asked my
brother for a trifling sum

to meet some urgent bills.
He saw fit to refuse.

That's why I
pinched the earrings.

You had yours,
and you squandered it.

You inherited 10,000.

And you inherited five million.

We've been over this many times.

I'm the elder.

By five minutes.

That's a million a minute.

Exactly.

Can you blame me if I refuse

to put up with such
an unfair arrangement

because of an archaic
legal system?

I will not sit here
and listen to this radical talk

in front of a servant.

Oh, have we finally come
around to me, milady?

I may have been
a bit quick tonight.

We'll discuss it in the morning.

I shan't be here in
the morning, milady.

But before I go, we have
something to put right.

You accused me of stealing.

Very well.

I'll give you two months'
wages and a character.

Does that satisfy you?

No, milady, it doesn't.

In addition, I shall
require an apology.

"An apology?"

Uh, no damages?

Will you stop
talking to the girl?

You defamed her, you know.

I'd advise her
to take it to law.

I'd make an uncommonly
good witness.

Oh, I-I hadn't thought
of damages, sir, but, uh--

A hundred quid.

Will you mind your own business?

Two hundred.

Two hundred qui, pounds
would do very nicely.

- "Two hundred pounds?"
- Uh..

It might be better, you know

if you turn the whole thing over

to a solicitor.

I know an awfully good man.

Well, perhaps you're right, sir.

You'd better settle, Sybil.

I'm sure it's nothing to me

what you do with your money.

But you'll get no character!

I'm not interested in
a character, baroness.

I'm thinking of becoming a lady

and for that,
no character is necessary.

Ma'am, I want to tell you
how extremely sorry I am

for what happened tonight.

You helped me
tonight, Mr. Duxbury

and for that, I am grateful

but since it was you who got me

into the unpleasant
predicament to begin with

for that I am ungrateful.

In any case, no good purpose
can possibly be served

by continuing this
conversation. Goodnight.

You talk like Gladstone

and look like Helen of Troy.

It's very surprising.

You look like a duke
and act like the Artful Dodger.

Equally surprising.

Uh, I have a cab waiting.

I should be
delighted to drop you

wherever you may want to go.

Can you afford a cab?

I think I'm being insulted.

On the contrary,
I think I'm being insulted.

That was to have come later.

You're wasting your
time, Mr. Duxbury.

Poor but virtuous, eh?

"Poor?"

You forget I'm worth 200 pounds.

Then perhaps you
could drop me somewhere.

I should be delighted,
Mr. Duxbury.

Cabbie?

Well, shall we ride in silence

or shall we chitchat?

Chitchat if you like..

...as long as it's
confined to that.

Uh, you mentioned some
rather interesting plans

when you left the room.

Uh, just what do they entail?

All my life I've watched
other people enjoying luxuries.

Now I'm going to enjoy them.

I shall be waited on
and served and catered to.

Um, where will you manage
all this on 200 pounds?

I shall immigrate.

- "Immigrate?" Where to?
- America.

I have a cousin in a little
village there called Brooklyn.

Oh ho ho, you're too British

to spend the rest
of your life in a..

...in Brooklyn.

I don't intend to.

I shall find a man with
10,000 a year and marry him.

Ah.

Without love?

Well, I have no
objection to love..

...as long as he
still has the 10,000.

You know exactly where
you're going, don't you?

Exactly.

Before you start, why don't we

celebrate with some wine?

I can't afford it.

Well, there's still
one or two places

in London that
honor my signature.

- Such as?
- Uh...Bernadette's.

Oh, it's for gaiety girls.

Oh, well, uh..

...The Cecil.

That's for duchesses.

Well, I can't give you a coronet

but, uh..

...may I lend you these?

- Not again.
- Oh, no, no.

They're a present this time,
a very grudging present

on the condition I get out
and never plague them again.

Do you intend to
keep that promise?

Certainly not.

W-well..

...um...just for supper then.

Just for supper.

You nervous?

I'm embarrassed not
being in evening dress.

That sets you off
from the others..

...not that you need it.

People are staring.
Is my petticoat showing?

No, but your eyes are.

Uh, he hopes you
find the champagne

sufficiently chilled.

Oh. Thank you.

It's alright.

Why, it's very nice.

I hope you aren't gonna say
the bubbles tickle your nose.

Oh, no.

No, I was just
admiring the gowns.

Beautiful.

Well, so is, so is
yours, come to that.

Sure you didn't
buy that in the money

my sister-in-law paid you?

No.

The cape was a cast-off from
the Marchioness of Bellmore.

I used to work for her.

And the gown, well, that, uh

that's from the old curtains
in the North drawing room.

Oh.

Uh, he means,
"What would you like?"

- Oh, thank you.
- Perhaps I ought to help you.

It's probably
French or something.

Um..

Huh? Oh.

Uh-uh, two, please.

Are you surprised?

- I most certainly am, miss.
- But why?

I've lived in the best houses
in England and on the continent.

I've got eyes and ears.

- And ambition?
- Yes.

That's a very dangerous quality.

That's what my
father used to tell me.

He was a groom

a firm believer in
knowing one's place

but my mother used
to encourage me.

She always felt she'd
married beneath her.

They used to
quarrel all the time.

I listened, and I-I vowed

it was never going
to happen to me.

It never will.

I'd hate to be between you

and something you wanted.

I'd hate to have you there.

At the moment,
I have to introduce you

to a very rich bore.

What's your name, dear?

Hoskins. Jane Hoskins.

Jane Hoskins--

Ah, Duxbury, good evening.

Pleasure. Pleasure.

Um, yeah.

Uh, huh-huh, well, Duxbury

aren't you going to
introduce me to the lady?

Oh, yes, of course.

Yes, uh, Lady Jane is kind of..

...Loverly, may I present
Sir Roland Epping?

- I'm enchanted. Ha ha.
- How do you do?

- Uh..
- Eh, won't you sit down?

Uh, oh. Uh. Huh.

Thank you.

I, uh, I'm not sure

if I have your name right.

Is it Lovely or Loverly?

Lovely.

- The Northern branch, that is.
- Uh.

Something to do with
Bonny Prince Charlie.

And how about
the Southern branch?

Oh, the Southern branch

in point of fact

added an R sometime in
the reign of Bloody Mary.

I prefer Loverly.

Oh, yes, of course.
Of course.

Uh, did you see
the play tonight?

My cousin and I
loathed it, loathed it.

- I loathe your cousin.
- Yeah, he's a bore, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

By the way

I think I knew some Loverlys.

Oh? Perhaps you've met before.

Oh, I've been out
of the country mostly.

Where?

- South.
- South? Africa or America?

- Uh, Egypt.
- Oh.

Yes, Egypt.

Lady Loverly's late husband

was in cotton,
Sir Percy Loverly.

Oh, yes, of course.

Yes. Charming man.

Great loss.
Great loss.

Oh, it-it was, indeed.

Of course, I, I try to carry on.

I keep myself busy, you know.

Yes. She, uh, still
has her charities.

Oh, charities?
Excellent.

Lady Loverly is
president of the, uh

the-the-the Nile Fund.

Or is it chairman of the board?

- Both.
- The-the Nile Fund?

Yes. You've heard of it, surely.

It does wonderful
work among the natives.

Oh, Sir Roland, if you could
only see those little faces

lighting up when they hear
the fund's on the way.

It's so good for the empire.

Hmm. Capital. Capital.

Yes, and talking of
capital, my brother

gave 200 pounds
only this evening.

Henry did?

Oh, yes. Yes.

You should have seen
the tears in his eyes.

And, uh, Nigel

Nigel's been very generous too.

Oh, well, in that case, uh

perhaps you'll allow
me to put a bit in too.

Oh. Oh, no, Sir Roland,
I, I really don't think I--

Oh, I only have a hundred on me

alas, but perhaps
tomorrow I can--

Bird in the hand where charities

are concerned, Lady Loverly.

Very well then.

For the sake of charity.

If I may come to tea tomorrow..

...I'll augment it.

That would be
wonderful, Sir Roland.

Oh, dear, what a pity
I'm engaged tomorrow.

May I, may I drop you a note?

I shall count the hours.

Little face now
lighting up is mine.

Mr. Duxbury, you
are without question

the most dishonest

the most immoral

the most unprincipled man

I ever met in my life.

That would sound more convincing

if your hot little fist

wasn't stuffed with money.

However, if it'll
make you any happier

we can always give it back.

Your half.

Let's-let's not be
too hasty, Mr. Duxbury

We can, uh, think
so much more clearly

when we...have
a little more wine.

Wait a moment, please.

Goodnight, Mr. Duxbury.

Oh, I've enjoyed
it all enormously.

The music and the supper

and the wine.

So glad.

Uh, haven't you
forgotten something?

Hmm?

Uh, oh, no

but I rather hoped you had.

Well, I haven't.
Pop it over.

There you are.

Ten fivers, right?

Good of you.

Do not mention it.

Goodbye.

Uh.

What a wretched
memory you have, Jane.

Hmm?

Oh.

It wasn't a bad memory, really.

It was just...reluctance.

You know, Jane, you're migrating

in the wrong direction.

Am I? Why?

Because it is now the season

at Monte Carlo.

And together, you and I
are the possessors

of what is vulgarly
known as a stake.

With a little care
and wit, we can double it.

When I was with the marchioness

we went regularly to Monte

and just as regularly

she lost her shirt.

Well, she had no need to.

Well, there's no
sure way of winning.

I agree, but there
is a sure way of losing.

- To the right people.
- Huh?

Mr. Duxbury.

Mr. Duxbury, I've read
and observed a great deal

and done my best
to improve myself

but it seems there are still
some things I don't know.

Would you care to learn?

This would be..

...purely a working arrangement?

Oh, incredibly pure.

Then why the diamonds?

Because without them,
you are Jane Hoskins

and with them,
you are Lady Loverly.

Lady Loverly.

If it were not for you,
my dear Lady Loverly

I would have returned
to India two days ago.

India's loss is
my gain, colonel.

I've adored your stories
about the Boer War.

Someday I must tell you what
I said to Kitchener at Khartoum.

Oh, I'll wager you
gave him what for.

- Ha ha ha.
- What are they playing?

Chemin defer, known to
the initiates as chemmy.

But whatever are they doing?

Well, you see
the little wooden box?

That's called a shoe.

Each player gets two cards
and the object is

to get as close
to nine as you can.

After the first
two cards, you have

the privilege of
drawing one more.

But you must not go over nine.

- Or you lose.
- Oh, it sounds fascinating.

I'd love to play.

Of course, my dear, of course.

Oh, I've left all
my money at the hotel.

Oh.

I see.
Let's be partners.

Well, no, thank you,
but let me play for you.

- Beginner's luck, you know.
- Good.

Card.

Stand, my dear.

You see, he has more than nine.

So you've won.
Now you can play again.

Oh, this is fun.

Must I leave
the whole amount there?

Oh, yes, you must.

I've got 80,000 francs out there

and I don't think
anyone will take the bet.

I'll take it all.

- Shall we?
- Think I oughta press my luck?

Oh, yes, you can't lose.
I feel it.

- No card.
- Seven.

Oh, no, no, no, I-I..

Come in.

How much is missing tonight?

Uh, 20 francs.

I bought some flowers

for a beautiful girl.

Any objections?

I have your half.

Oh, Nigel, how lovely.

How did the colonel
take his reverses?

- Like a little man.
- Why shouldn't he?

It's a small price for
a millionaire to pay

to be seen with the most
provocative woman in all Europe.

Oh, you are generous tonight.

Entrez.

Lady Loverly.

Mr. Duxbury,
the Prince of Monaco

presents his compliments.

Oh, how charming of him.

We have observed you
for several evenings.

In the casino, you
are not acquainted.

In Lady Loverly's suite

you apparently are acquainted.

This gentlemen is with
the Prefecture of Police.

He has some advice for you.

Madame.Monsieur.

It would relieve both

the principality of
Monaco and yourselves

of further embarrassment,
if you would leave

the principality at your
earliest convenience.

There's an excellent
train at noon

with first class accommodation.

Bon voyage.

Ah, decent sort of
chaps, weren't they?

Oh, Nigel, this is awful.

Those men were police

asking us to leave the country.

'Well, there are
other countries.'

You're upset, aren't you?

Yes, of course I am.
Who wouldn't be?

Being treated like
a common criminal.

Oh, there's nothing
common about us.

Look, Jane, you have
to expect this sort

of thing to happen occasionally
in our sort of, uh...work.

But if you find it too sticky

if you wanna cut and run,
you just say the word.

Trying to get rid of me?

No, no, I'm just trying
to make it easy for you.

After all, this
is far from England

and I'm a man, I don't mind.

This is easy kind of
stuff for me. I don't mind.

Nigel.

There must be other countries.

There's Italy, for one.

Italy for two.

Signora Parqesa.

Signore.

The authority of
the International Settlement

believes that
the International Settlement

will be less
international, but more--

Settled?

In the benefit of our absence.

We are happy we
make ourself clear.

We leave tomorrow.

May I ask in which
direction we're leaving?

We've been invited out of
every country to the West.

And to the East,
there's a very large ocean.

The other side of
which lies America.

Where you've always
wanted to immigrate.

Wish I'd done it
in the first place.

Bit like prison, this, isn't it?

Hope it isn't an omen.

Oh, don't be melancholy.

America's a very rich country.

It's full of gold mines

oil wells and millionaires.

Well, any two of
those would be nice.

As a matter of fact, it'll
take about all our money

for two first-class
passengers to San Francisco.

We could, um..

...share the same cabin.

I'm just trying
to be economical.

We'll take two cabins.

Well, you say we
can't afford them.

Un-unless we sell the earrings.

Going to capital?

Never.

What can we do then?

I know.

You can go steerage.

What?

Come in.

Oh, frightfully nice of you
to drop in, I must say.

Listen to this.

"Marchioness arrives.

"Rejects invitations.

"Insists on seclusion.

"Lady Loverly, upon her
arrival in San Francisco

"refused to admit
the bevy of reporters

"who stormed her hotel suite.

"The beautiful and regal visitor

"offered no comment regarding

the purpose of her
stay in the Bay City."

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Oh, that's very nice, but you
can't eat newspaper headlines.

You sound a little testy.

I am testy. We've got
to get to work, Nigel.

Have you any idea what
these rooms are costing?

Yes, they're attractive,
aren't they?

Much more so than my
vermin-infested billet

on the waterfront.

- More social climbers?
- Oh, dozens.

Ah, it's the penalty of
bearing a great name, my dear.

Oh, sweets. Good.

Wish somebody had
sent us a side of beef.

We may need it.

If all goes well, you can buy

yourself your own cattle ranch.

How are things
going, by the way?

Invitations by the dozen.

- Anything good?
- A few possibles.

Now, here's one from
the governor's mansion

in Sacramento.

No, governors
never have any money.

Mr. and Mrs. Algernon McAfee
respectfully request

the pleasure of my
company at a costume ball.

Why don't you go
as a lady's maid?

Oh, shut up.

Mr. and Mrs. Bruno Thayer

want me for lunch.

Oh, let's give Bruno
a bit of thought.

He has a bank down
on Market Street.

Nigel, lunch won't be
served in the vault.

Here's one on rather nice paper

asking me for tea on Tuesday.

- What name?
- "Mrs. Julia...Wortin."

Banco. She's the biggest
trout of them all.

The rest are just
minnows. Listen.

"Wortin, Mrs. Julia,
nee Dugan.

"Born Omaha, Nebraska.

"Widow of Hector Wortin.

"President, Founder's
Society of California.

"President, WortinSailors Home.

"President,
Wortin Petroleum Company.

"President,
Wortin Steam Supplies.

Yeah, we came over on one
of her boats, didn't we?

I thought it was
rather charming.

It was not charming
in the steerage.

- Aw-w-w.
- Ah-h.

And she's also the owner
of the Blankensop diamond.

Well, do I hold her up
with a pearl-handled pistol?

- Is that the plan?
- Don't be so vulgar.

Well, what then?

Come and sit down.

- Quick.
- Where?

- Sit.
- Really, Nigel.

Now get..

...a pen and paper
and write what I say.

Oh, I'm perfectly capable
of composing my own notes.

And I acquired
an excellent literary style

at the best of schools
and we may as well use it.

Now, then, begin.

- Alright, go ahead.
- Uh..

Lady Loverly regrets..

...she is unable..

...to accept..

...accept..

...Mrs. Wortin's..

...invitation..

...of the fifth..

- For the fifth.
- For the fifth. I'm sorry.

But...if Mrs. Wortin..

...will honor her by--

Nigel, I can't write if you
keep breathing on my neck.

Well, I've got to breathe
and it's a very beautiful neck.

You promised that
our relationship

was going to be
"incredibly pure."

Yes. Now it's purely incredible.

Well, come on,
let's get on with it.

Now, where were we?

You refused
Mrs. Wortin's invitation

and you were about to
ask her here instead.

Well, for what purpose?

How do we know she plays cards?

Jane, I have a statement
of policy to make.

We are through
cheating at cards.

We are turning over a new leaf.

Oh?

How are we going to eat?

We are going to pinch

Mrs. Wortin's jewels.

You really are
the most dishonest

the most immoral

the most dissolute..

Think we can get away with it?

Mrs. Wortin.
You honor us.

Take me to Lady Loverly's suite.

I'm having tea with her.

Really?

What do you mean, "Really?"

Well, simply that to date,
she's received no one.

She'll receive me.
Up we go.

Cream, Mrs. Wortin?

Lots. Drowns out
the taste of the tea.

At home, I usually serve oolong

but I find it rather
difficult to get here.

I'll send you a barrel.

Oh, you're kind.

Not kind, eager.

I know everybody in town's
been trying to bust in on you

and I'm the only
one who made it.

Why?

Your heart, Mrs. Wortin.

Even in England we've
heard of your charities.

And I am specially interested

in your Home For Fallen Sailors.

I'm cra-a-azy about the navy.

Ah, I can understand that.

Father was an admiral.

Maybe you'd like
to come see my boys.

Well, I'm afraid
I can't manage that

but I would like to
send a contribution.

I'll, uh, I'll write
to my solicitor in London.

Tell him to send you a check.

Got a heart of your
own, haven't you?

Ah, it's just because I
know how much it means to you.

You see, I have
a pet charity too.

What's yours?

The Nile Fund.

Ah, Mrs. Wortin, if you could
just see those little faces

shining when they hear
the fund is on the way.

I'd like to make their
faces shine a lot more.

Oh, I wonder who that is.

- Yes?
- Good afternoon, my lady.

- Uh?
- I'm-I'm Hoskins, my lady.

Oh, yes, Hoskins.

I, uh, I quite forgot
you were coming.

Well, another day
will do, my lady.

Oh, no, no.
Come in, Hoskins.

Mrs. Wortin, you don't mind if I
give Hoskins a minute, do you?

Go ahead.

Sit down.

Sit down. You make me nervous.

Now I haven't much time,
Hoskins. What's your problem?

Well, as I made bold to mention
in my note to you, my lady

I have been traveling ever since

His Highness' untimely death.

Uh, Hoskins was butler
to old Prince William.

Such a darling man.

Gout finally got him.

Almost his very last words
were of you, my lady.

Poor, poor porky.

'He was always very generous to me'

but in a way,
it was my downfall.

I have always been
something of a gaming man

and I met two American gentlemen

who taught me a game
of chance called

uh, craps.

Well, you get no
sympathy from me, Hoskins.

I disapprove of gambling.
Don't you, Mrs. Wortin?

You bet your boots!

Unless it's a sure thing.

Well, it-it's one thing for you

but it's quite another thing

for a person of limited means.

Now, the best thing for
you, Hoskins, is to try

and get back into service
as soon as possible.

You should have no difficulty
in finding another situation.

Perhaps, uh, even
at Buckingham Palace.

I'll write to them.

Thank you, my lady.

Madam..

...I had hoped to
stop in San Francisco.

Whatever for?

Because, my lady,
it is my conviction

that one day
San Francisco will be

the greatest city in the world.

Bully for you! Ha ha.

Thank you, madam.

I wonder if my lady could
help me find a situation here.

Well, I'm afraid I
don't know anybody here

Hoskins, except Mrs. Wortin.

Perhaps madam could
inquire among her friends?

What are your wages?

Well, I'm rather
expensive, madam

but if I may so, I'm worth it.

Tell you what you do.

You go downstairs,
wait for me in the lobby

and we'll haggle
around a little bit

and try and make a deal.

- Good afternoon.
- Your umbrella.

- Hmm?
- Some more tea, Mrs. Wortin?

'No, thank you.'

I've got to be
going in a minute.

Got a board of
directors meeting.

Seeing Hoskins again
has made me so homesick.

I do miss England,
yet I'm afraid to go back.

Why?

Well, uh, since
poor Percy left us..

...I've just been traveling
around the world, you know.

Riviera, St. Petersburg,
Shanghai, trying to..

Oh, I mustn't burden
you with my troubles.

Go ahead.

I think perhaps I've been away

from my home
and gardens too long.

I'm getting so tired of hotels.

And I miss my lovely roses.

Say, I've got a whale of a house

down on the peninsula
with all the roses you want.

Come spend the weekend.

Oh, dear, Mrs. Wortin

you are kind.

But, uh, we scarcely
know each other.

Oh, don't worry about that.

We'll be friends in no time.

It's true, we do
have a lot in common

don't we? Our-our
charities, for instance.

Oh! How do you like that?

I plum forgot
about your Nile Find.

Oh, don't bother now.
I wasn't suggesting--

Oh, got it right here.

The sooner, the quicker.

You are generous.

You may be very sure that this

will be put to good use.

Good morning, madam.

The temperature is 68 degrees

with a moderate westerly breeze.

It promises fair.

I look forward to your
weather report, Hoskins.

I risked kidneys
for madam this morning.

I'm crazy about kidneys.

With my compliments, madam.

Oh, thank you, Hoskins.

I hope madam won't
be too angry with me

but I put Lady Loverly
in the pink room.

But the gold room's
a lot more stylish.

I think her ladyship would
like to be close to you, madam.

- You do?
- Oh, definitely.

I've given the gold
to Mr. Collans

which puts Mrs. Pemberson
in the blue.

But the blue room looks more
masculine for Mr. Collans.

Ah, I've transferred
the humidor, the ashtrays

and the cuspidor
into the gold room.

It gives a very
surprising look, madam.

I want this party
to be a knockout.

Well, madam has assembled
the most impressive guest list.

Well, the fact is

madam's a snob.

That's why she hired you.

Drop His Highness' name as
often as possible, Hoskins.

Anything madam wishes.
Is there anything else, madam?

Guess I might as well
come clean with you.

I went overboard.

I told everybody I call
Lady Loverly by her first name.

And I don't even know it.

Uh, it's Jane, madam.

And I told them that
she calls me Julia.

Guess I'm stuck.

Well, may I suggest you just say

"How do you do, Jane?"

Good breeding will
demand that she

reply in kind.

You think so?

I give you my personal
guarantee, madam.

Do I have your personal
guarantee that she'll come?

I'm sure her ladyship
is looking forward

to this weekend as
being very rewarding.

Good afternoon, Hoskins.

Good afternoon, my lady.

Call the old tramp Julia
and have a headache.

Hello, Jane.

My dear Julia, how
very nice to see you.

Now, come on in
and meet my friends.

Julia, forgive me. I have
ever so slight a headache.

I wonder, could, uh, could
Hoskins show me to my room?

- Well, I'll take you up myself.
- Oh, no, please don't bother.

Oh, it's no bother.
Come along.

V-very well.

I hope your friends
will forgive me.

I'm looking forward
to meeting them later.

I hope you don't mind
meeting one of them now.

Lady Loverly, this is
Mr. Tracy Collans from Boston.

How do you do?

Very much better, now that my

curiosity is satisfied.

I was under the impression
that we might have met

during one of my
visits to London.

Uh, I travel a good deal.

England couldn't have
a more charming ambassador.

Well, thank you, I'm not
sure the foreign office

would agree with you. Excuse me.

Only on condition
that you save me

a waltz and two polkas tonight.

- Waltz? Polkas?
- I didn't tell you, Jane.

I'm giving a whopping
ball for you.

Oh, Julia, you are naughty.

Do you grant my request,
Lady Loverly?

You're quite, uh, enterprising,
aren't you, Mr. Collans?

That's why he's such
a successful banker.

We've got a deal on now and
he's trying to get my eye teeth.

Well, I'm glad you warned me.
I shall keep my mouth closed.

Uh, Hoskins..

...place me next to
Lady Loverly at supper.

That might be a bit
of a problem, sir.

Uh, solve it, Hoskins

and I'll make it
worth your while.

- Bribery, sir?
- Yes.

I just wanted to make sure.

Well, where is she?

Uh, headachy.

Headaches are so convenient.

Some women really have them.

Cora had her first
on our honeymoon.

It never left me.

Would you care for
a cup of tea, Mr. Caighn?

I don't hold with tea. I'll
have a big fat cup of coffee.

You drink too
much coffee, Horace.

It's bad for your liver.

You're not as young
as you used to be.

Personally, I adore mature men.

Coffee for Mr. Caighn,
black and piping hot.

And don't fill the cup.

Mr. Caighn can't
bear a brimming cup.

May I suggest a pony of brandy
in your tea, Mrs. Caighn?

His Highness couldn't resist it.

Oh! That sounds delicious.

No brandy for me, Hoskins.
I can't bear women who drink.

You mean you can't bear women
who wanna keep their husbands.

Uh, ahem, won't you try
some of our shortbread

with your tea, madam?

It's a Belmoral
recipe I gave cook.

One of Lady Loverly's favorites.

What other favorites does
Lady Loverly have, Hoskins?

Uh, diamond earrings, madam

and, uh, lettuce
straight from the garden.

She's also very partial
with turbot of Alaska

served with
a Graves superior '97.

Oh, so, Lady Loverly isn't above

taking a drink now and then.

Lady Loverly's cellar is matched

only by that of
the Duke de Guise.

Though I fancy her
Madeiras are superior.

From what I hear,
her figure isn't bad either.

Oh, you put it
crudely, Mr. Caighn.

In my considerable opinion

Lady Loverly is
out of Botticelli.

- Hmm.
- 'Hoskins! Hoskins!'

Hoskins, hurry. Lady Loverly
is perishing for a dish of tea.

She says dish, not cup.

Wouldn't that kill you?

I have brought
your tea, my lady.

Oh, thank you, Hoskins.

- What did that gibberish mean?
- Who knows?

It's something the gardener
keeps saying to the second maid.

She always runs like a mink.

Oh, Nigel.

You're the first butler
I ever saw in my life

who really looks like a butler.

Well, I'm also living like one.

But it may be worth it.

Look.

I have seen some of her jewels.

They're fantastic.

She has a necklace
that's worth a fortune.

Why don't we

take the Blankensop diamond?

No, we couldn't dispose of it.
It's too well-known.

No, the necklace is the thing.
We can live on it for years.

One stone at a time.

It's like having shares
in the Bank of England.

Well, how do we
acquire these shares?

Well, that door
leads to her bedroom.

Somewhere in there is the safe.

Where? I don't know.

But the key to it
is in a gold chain

she wears around her neck.

She wears it night and day.

Oh, how very uncooperative.

She's more uncooperative
than you think.

Each room in this
house is equipped

with the latest thing
in burglar alarms.

Look, they work by electricity.

"Electricity?"

Oh, Nigel.

You know, that headache
you asked me to have?

I've got it already.

Now, Jane, don't worry so.

Up to now, the worst
that's happened

is that we've been
asked to leave town.

If something goes
wrong this time

we may very well
be asked to stay..

...about 20 years.

Well, there are
bound to be risks.

Otherwise, everyone and his
dog would be doing it.

Well, have you
got nothing planned?

Why, most certainly,
I have, yes.

Uh-uh, uh, step number
one, find the safe.

- Hmm. Step number two?
- Uh, step number two, yes..

Come in.

I bring pillow like
Missy Wortin said this morning.

Oh, how very clever
of you. Well done.

Would you like some
more tea, my lady?

Uh, no, thank you, Hoskins.

If my lady wishes
anything, just ring.

I think I'll be
able to help myself.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, my lady.

'Oh, Furioso!'

That was splendid!

Gracias.

I must apologize for Furioso.

I thought he was
frightened by the chickens.

Now I know he was
trying to impress you.

He did impress me.

Oh, he's beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Aren't you rather
forgetting yourself?

Maybe.

I always forget myself, senorita

when I'm near a beautiful woman.

'That must make you very...unreliable.'

Perhaps. It's in the blood of
my family for a thousand years.

And I like it.

Senor Dinas, I thought
you might like to know

that tea is now being
served in the drawing room.

I would rather know who
is the senorita with a face

like a gardenia.

I assume you refer
to Lady Loverly.

Is she married?

- A widow, sir.
- Bueno.

Not so frightfully bueno.

She was heartbroken
by her husband's death

vowed never to look
at another man.

But I do not want her
to look at another man.

I want her to look at

Juan Miguel Esteban
Dinas Y Martinez.

That's me.

I suggest you stay
where you are, sir.

Her ladyship can never resist
an attractive horse. Ha ha.

Mrs. Belpayasa.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Lady Loverly,
Marchioness of Pennyston.

Julia dear, what
a perfectly lovely party.

- How's your headache, Jane?
- Oh, it's disappeared.

- Thank you.
- Oh, glad to hear it.

They're all waiting to meet you
with their tongues hanging out.

Dear, me, I hope they
haven't been too uncomfortable.

Um, Lady Loverly, this is
Mrs. James Horace Caighn.

- How do you do, Mrs. Caighn?
- How do you do?

What a perfectly
fabulous necklace, Julia.

- Isn't it, Mrs. Caighn?
- Oh, yes.

Biggest West of the Mississippi.

Those earrings of yours
are not bad either.

Oh, my husband's
first gift to me

my late husband, you know.

I, uh, I'm always
terrified of losing them.

- Burglars.
- Me too.

I keep all my junk bolted down.

Of course, at home,
I have a safe.

A good idea.

But, uh, when one's traveling

it's so difficult to
know where to keep things

so that they'll be safe, I mean.

Excuse me, ladies.

I'm quite sure this is
our dance, Lady Loverly.

- Your train, my lady.
- Thank you.

We meet again.

I breathe again.

- You've met?
- Yes.

From far below this afternoon

I saw her up on
the balcony looking like a..

A gardenia, sir?

Like a rose.

I must tell you
that the rose thought

you were quite mad.

I saved this dance
for you, Juan.

Oh, I'm, I'm awfully sorry.

I-I-I saved this
one for Lady Loverly.

You will honor me next?

I doubt that I shall be free.

- May I?
- This is an encore, Mr. Dinas.

- It is still my dance.
- That's a technicality, senor.

It is my dance.

I shall dance with neither

and that will be fair to both.

Well, but not to you.

Hoskins, have you a coin?

Yes, my lady.

- Shall I flip it?
- Oh, no, thank you.

I'll do my own flipping.

How do you call, gentlemen?

Tails.

I have no choice.

I'm left with heads.

You are left with me, senor.

The next dance, Mr. Collans.

My train, please, Hoskins.

Thank you.

My coin, please

my lady.

Oh. Sorry.

What is it this time, Hoskins?

What I hoped it would have
been the first time, sir. Tails.

Thank you, Hoskins.

Forgive my saying so, sir

the quality of
a gentleman never escapes

a gentleman's gentleman.

I've never seen such
wonderful flowers.

Oh, you should see my fields of
poppies and the Spanish bayonet

and the gardenias
all around the estancia.

Two hundred years ago
my ancestors built it..

...for you.

They must have had
amazing foresight.

Come to my home tomorrow

and I will show you
the real gold of California.

The sweet-smelling hay,
and the plums, and the grapes

and the fat cattle and the pigs.

Do you like pigs, Lady Loverly?

I've met so few.

- And horses.
- Oh, yes.

- Do you ride?
- Oh, like a Cossack.

My father was a,
well, he, that is

he-he knew a lot of Cossacks.

Fine, I'll send
Fanchito for a horse.

The horse is a girl.

Forioso is in love with her.

Does she love him?

Passionately.

I beg your pardon.

The orchestra is about
to commence number five.

Mrs. Pemberson
wishes me to inform you

that she's waiting
by the punch bowl.

Tell her to put her head in it.

Certainly, sir.

No, Hoskins, wait.

Senor Dinas, you
promised her, you should go.

Well, uh, yes, but, uh

you will wait right here?
You will not go?

The dance will be
finished very quickly.

I doubt that, sir. It's one
of Strauss' slow waltzes.

A minor work.

Well?

In one more moment,
I suspect that

you'd have been
thoroughly kissed.

Quite possibly.

That'd be a mistake.

Might be one
mistake worth making.

You're behaving
like a servant girl.

I'm behaving the way I want to
for the first time in my life.

It's a pity I didn't realize
how you wanted to behave.

Nigel.

- My lady.
- Oh, stop it.

Did I say something wrong?

Nigel, must it be tonight?

Look, Jane

a weekend consists of
three nights and two days.

If we fail tonight,
we have two more chances.

If we fail tomorrow,
we have one more chance.

As professional burglars,
we must leave ourselves

the largest possible
margin for error.

It must be tonight.

What must be tonight?

Uh, I was just about
to recall to her ladyship

that it must be precisely
three years ago tonight

that I first had
the honor to serve her

at His Highness' shooting box.

Yes, indeed, Hoskins.
How time flies.

It does indeed, my lady. Yes.

Whatever happened
to Mrs. Pemberson?

Oh, it's, uh, it's my leg, yes.

It's an old story.

An injury.

A very old injury, yes.

Many years ago, a horse
stepped on my toe--

And the, uh, the old injury

recurs at every
convenient moment.

Uh, yes.

And heals miraculously..

...when I'm near
a beautiful woman.

- Look, Hoskins.
- Yes, madam.

Bully, isn't it?

Very bully, madam.

"Two hundred years ago..

"...my ancestors built it..

...for you."

For me.

Lady Loverly.

Julia?

'Come in!'

Where are you?

'I'm in here!'

'Soaking.'

'My feet are killin' me.'

Well, why not? You were
the belle of the ball.

They all owe me money.

Oh, Julia, I know you'll
think I'm being silly

but I'm rather worried
about my earrings.

Is there any place
where they'd be safe?

The safest place is in my safe.

The key's in the armchair.

Thank you.

Uh...where is the safe?

Behind my husband's
picture on the fireplace.

'You'll find a button under the
left hand side of the mantle.'

'Just push it and Hector
will swing open.'

What do you think of him?

Hector.

Oh, very commanding.

He was at first.

But I took it out of him.

'You find the button?'

Yes, I have it.

'Think you'll ever marry again?'

Oh, I...I don't know, Julia.

'Is the safe still open?'

Yes, yes, I'm just
about to close it.

'Do me a favor
and put my necklace in.'

'It's on the dressing table.'

Yes, of course.

'You oughta marry again, Jane.'

Well, you didn't.

'At my age, a good cook'

'is more important
than a husband.'

'What'd you say?'

Uh, nothing.

'Tracy Collans
is crazy about ya.'

'The same we he's crazy
about a gilt-edged bond.'

'Dinas is somethin' else!'

'He'd worry ya.'

'He'd drive ya cuckoo.'

'But you'd have yourself aman.'

Yes, I suppose I,
I suppose I would.

'What'd you say?'

I-I suppose I would.

What shall I do
with the key, Julia?

'Just leave it on the mantle.'

Goodnight, then,
Julia, and thank you

for a perfectly
wonderful evening.

Remember what I told you.

You'd have yourself a man.

I'll remember.

Nigel.

Good morning!

- Just a moment, my lady.
- What is it?

That is exactly what
I was about to ask you.

Well, I think you
know the answer.

What am I to assume,
is it off or merely postponed?

I don't know.

It's not very sporting
of you to leave me..

...dangling like this.

Nigel, it's complicated.

I didn't want it to be
complicated, but it's..

...it's complicated.

It is complicated.

That clears up
everything, of course.

Now, listen to me, Jane Hoskins.

You cannot go on...
putting me off like this.

- Good morning, Jane.
- Good morning.

Uh, will you be back
for lunch, my lady?

Definitely not.

Uh, perhaps it would be
better if you didn't go.

The-the weather, sir. I'm afraid
it may be a little complicated.

Into every life
a little rain must fall.

Quite simply, I just
thought I ought to warn you.

Can we count upon you tonight?

- Tonight?
- Uh, for dinner, sir.

Hoskins is a very
solicitous servant.

Almost too solicitous.
Don't fret, my man.

Just go about your
business as usual.

Thank you, my lady.

I shall hope for
good weather, my lady.

- Oh, Hoskins.
- 'Yes, sir.'

Where have they gone?

I-I couldn't say, sir.

Come in here.

Now, don't be discreet,
Hoskins. Tell me man to man.

Unhappily, sir, that
relationship doesn't obtain.

It is gentleman to man.

More bribery, sir?

I wish you'd find another word.

"A rose by any other name.."

They're spending the whole
day at his estancia, sir.

Do you know who that man is?
What kind of reputation he has?

I have heard rumors,
sir, yes, I have.

Not only he, the whole
kit and caboodle of them.

Mrs. Wortin, the...
the Caighns, Mrs. Pemberson.

Not fit to-to..

Kiss the hem of her dress?
Polish her boots?

Either one will do, sir.

Look here, Hoskins.

You may not be
a gentleman, but you're..

...certainly closer to her
than anyone else in this house.

- Oh, except you, sir.
- Exactly.

And it's my opinion
Lady Loverly's being

taken in by these people.

Indeed, sir?

I would only be shirking my duty

if I did not warn her.

Do you think she might
consider it presumptuous

in view of the fact that I..

Oh, I understand, sir.

As Tennyson once said

"Love is a brook

from which one must
drink delicately."

May I write that down?

Oh, of course. Yes.

I always make notes
of what I'm going to say.

"The written word endures

"while the spoken one disappears

like water in the hot
sands of time."

I'm quoting Omar Khayyam, sir.

Beautiful.

- May I?
- Yes, please, sir.

I'm sure I can get
both these things in.

Uh, in what, sir?

I'm planning to speak
to her ladyship tonight.

It's so important that I want
my thoughts to be in order.

Uh..

I was just thinking, sir..

No, I, I shouldn't say.

Oh, please, Hoskins, please.

Well, sir, it occurred to me..

...you might make a more telling
presentation of your case

if you used your obvious
talent for writing.

I dare say.

But actually, I wouldn't know
how to phrase such a letter.

Well, my late employer..

...uh, the honorable
Nigel Duxbury

a man of infinite charm and wit

al-always started
at the beginning.

Logical.

Supremely logical.

What, Hoskins, would you
say was the beginning?

Well, I would say,
"Dear Lady Loverly.."

Does nobody in California
live in a small house?

Not if he can live in a big one.

Wow. It's overpowering.

Well, I'm sure
it's nothing compared

to your castle in England.

Did you find it overpowering?

I spend most of my
time in the stables.

And I spend most
of mine in the pigpen.

I'm developing a new breed.

Oh, they're charming.

Oh, I'd love to meet them.

First, I want you
to meet my family.

My father and my mother.

I don't remember them very well.

I was very young when they died.

But...this is the one
I remember best.

My grandfather..

...Juan Esteban Miguel
Dinas Y. Garcia.

It was he who raised me.

He lived like a king,
died like an emperor.

And this..

...this is my grandmother.

She has wonderful eyes.

My grandmother
says they have to be

very sharp to keep up with me.

Jane, my grandmother,
the Princess Margarita.

I am honored, madam.

Thank you.

She asking after
the health of your king.

I believe His Majesty is
devoting himself conscientiously

to affairs of state.

She says that
the king should pay

more attention to his health.

She's going to write to him.

Does she really know him?

Who knows?
She's such a great liar.

For instance, at the moment

she's pretending she
cannot speak English.

Do you speak Spanish?

Uh, no, I'm afraid I don't.

Well, then maybe I can prevail

upon my grandmother to be civil.

Do you love her?

I do.

And you?

I have only known your
grandson for two days.

That is a good sign.

Most women he
knows only one day.

He is faithful to
nothing but his horses.

Oh, you.

You are jealous of Jane

because she is young
and you are old!

You have forgotten
what it is to love.

He loves you or he
would not shout at me.

I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm a wicked,
ungrateful grandson.

You should disown me.

I have loved three
men in my life.

His grandfather.

His father.

And him.

It is a work of art

to love a Dinas properly

and very tiring.

'I hope you will
have the strength.'

Why do you turn away?

Why do you avoid my eyes?

Because unlike you, grandmother,
she's shy and modest

and does not ask questions
that are none of her business.

None of my business?

My grandson's wife
is none of my business?

She may be like the others,
trying to marry you

'for our name and our estates.'

You must be sure, Juan.

Go.

Take her to the warm sun

and ask her yourself.

I hope, Lady Loverly,
that you will forgive me.

My grandson is right.

I'm jealous of you.

You have no need to be.

I have crossed two varieties.

I have taken the duroc sow pig

and mated it with a Jersey boar.

The result? Extra-large
hams. Am I boring you?

Oh, no, I love every one of
them and their extra-large hams.

Is this all yours?

Yes.

My grandfather stood
on a hill and said

"I will own everything I see."

Oh, such a rich Earth.

Gives life to
everything it touches.

It's so vast,
it almost frightens me.

You'd be very happy here, Jane.

Oh, I am, I am.
It's been a lovely day.

Tell me more about your pigs.

I love the little
black and white ones

with the pink noses best of all.

They're all yours.

Eight thousand pigs I give you.

Well, I-I don't know just
where I'm going to put them.

Oh, just leave 'em here.

The house will be yours too.

You will have
a hundred servants.

And forever
and always, my heart.

I love you, Jane.

Oh, Juan, it's impossible.

Is it because of my grandmother?

No.

No, it's not your grandmother.

Jane.

I know you love me.

What is it?

Don't...don't hurry me, Juan.

- If I don't, you will be gone.
- Oh, no, no.

There's half
the weekend left yet.

L-let's go back to the house
and say goodbye to the princess.

We've come to say goodbye.

Goodbye, madam.

Juan, I wish to
talk to you alone.

- Jane, I--
- No, it's alright.

I understand.

'Jane.'

What was all the shouting about?

Jane..

Come in.

Did you ring, my lady?

No, I didn't.

I thought not.

I hope you had a glittering,
romantic day with that peasant.

Peasant?

His grandmother is the niece

of the King of Spain.

I have some titled
relations myself.

He offered me a hundred servants

a house of my own,
and 8,000 pigs.

- He wants to marry me, Nigel.
- Oh.

So you're tiddling about
with the idea

of relating yourself
to the Spanish royal family?

- And why not?
- Why not, indeed.

You once said you'd marry
a man with 10,000 a year.

You've done considerably better.

I also said that
I had no objection

to falling in love
at the same time.

And have you?

Well, how could I
know in 24 hours?

What do you know?

I know that he..

...he disturbs me.

I wish you all
the happiness in the world.

What will you do?
Will you go away?

Not until the end of
the month when I'm paid my $30.

On that, I shall go
around the world twice.

- Oh, Nigel.
- Don't let's be sentimental.

On second thought, do let's.

Heretofore, I've
refrained from kissing you.

But since it's goodbye...may I?

Yes. You may.

I should never have waited.

- Julia.
- 'Come in.'

Julia, may I have my earrings?

The safe's open. Help yourself.

Thank you.

Buenas tardes, Senora Marquesa.
I make 'em shine.

Yes, they look splendid.

Come in.

Hello.

Good heavens, Nigel,
is this your room?

All of it.

But I...I thought you were

staying till
the end of the month.

No, I changed my mind.

Here.

Take these.

Whatever for?

Well, you're gonna need money.

For the first time
in my life, I'm embarrassed.

It's becoming.

Jane...we've deceived
a great many people.

Too many.

But never each other.
Not really.

Except once.

The plain fact is that in
Shanghai I was so appalled

of the thought of having
to travel steerage, I..

...I borrowed these.

I took them to a little man
with a big glass in his eye

and a disreputable house
in a flea bite street.

He offered me $50, mixed.

- Paste?
- Paste.

Dear me.

I never would have
thought it of Lady Minden.

Oh, I wasn't surprised.

So much about her was sham.

I hate her.

Oh, Nigel.

What are we going to do?

We?

What about you?

Well, what are the alternatives?

Well, you, um..

You could get another partner.

No, you've spoilt me.

Oh, I shall probably
go back to England.

Well, how are you
going to get there?

You can ask the Spanish royal
family to send me a battleship.

And you can go to the devil.

Buenas tardes, Senora Marquesa.
She shines more.

Yes.

Oh.

Forgotten something?

No, I, uh..

Nigel..

...I've been thinking

couldn't you pinch the silver?

Well, that's
a very brilliant idea indeed.

I should leave the house
with one bag and four barrels?

Well, it was just a suggestion.

But a very stupid one indeed.

Stupid?

Look here, my man.

I've been the brains
of this combination

from the very beginning.

Oh, really?

Well, I, I seem to remember
an evening at the Hotel Cecil

with Sir Roland Epping forcing

money upon us
and all because of me.

From that point on,
your contribution

has been purely decorative.

Indeed?

And may I ask who discovered

the location
of Mrs. Wharton's safe?

A mere detail. I'd have
uncovered it myself in time.

Really?

I'm delighted to know
that you're so resourceful.

Then I shan't have to
worry about you ever again.

- 'Goodbye.'
- Bye.

Buenas tardes, Senora Marquesa.
He is almost finished.

Yes.

I'm-I'm going with you.

You'd close that big house

and dismiss those 100 servants?

If I thought I had a chance of
getting them and keeping them

I'd take it, but I haven't.

For one giddy moment

I thought you couldn't
bear the idea of leaving me.

Oh, shut up.

I wish I'd never met you.

Or him.

I wish I was still working as
a maid for your sister-in-law.

I wish I didn't
feel anything for anybody.

I must say,
I don't understand you.

Well, of course you don't!

You're not a woman.

Uh, I prefer
the present arrangement.

Well I don't.
We haven't a penny.

Ah, we'll think of something.

I was under the impression
that we already had.

No, no, you've grown
to like Mrs. Wortin and..

...and he's in the house.

It's too delicate a situation.

Oh, the best thing for you
to do, is to stay on as a guest

and we'll think
of other ways and means.

There are no other
ways and means.

And I want to get out
of here immediately.

Very well.

I shall just have
to put delicacy aside

with the other luxuries
that I can't afford.

I'll see you
in the courtyard tonight.

- Jane.
- Hmm?

Good luck.

Thank you, partner.

Julia?

Julia?

'Yes, Jane.'

Are you in the bath?

'Yeah.'

I'm sorry to trouble you again..

...but, uh, may I put
my earrings away?

- 'Sure, help yourself.'
- Thank you.

- Yes.
- Let me in.

Juan, no.
It's too late.

All evening you have avoided me.

- 'That's right.'
- Why?

'I'll tell you tomorrow.'

There is something I must
know before tomorrow.

'Do you hear me?'

Goodnight, Juan.

Panchito. Panchito.

Hey.

Uh, senor, uh.

Come on.

Good evening, sir.

Shall I kill him?

Not unless he makes
trouble. In there.

Let's not do anythin'
we'll hate ourselves

for in the morning, shall we?

You have something in your
pocket. Give it to me.

Only on the condition
that you forget that Lady--

You are in no position
to make conditions.

Si, senor.

I see your point.

You, uh, you did that
very well, Juan.

Now, do it again.
The other way.

Is that the way to treat a man
that has asked you to marry him?

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Is it?

I can't marry you, Juan.

Why not, Lady Loverly?

Many reasons.

Possibly one of them is that
your name is not Lady Loverly?

My grandmother is
a very suspicious woman.

Another reason
might be the butler?

You go to his room.

You're servant
is also very suspicious.

Yes, yes. It runs
in the family.

What have you done with him?

Oh, Panchito
is holding his hand.

I would like to hold yours.

This afternoon
you wanted to marry me.

This afternoon you were
the kind of a woman one marries.

I suggest that
you leave this room.

When one is discussing
this sort of thing

one should not be interrupted.

What sort of thing?

Well, the fact that
if I leave this room

I...I will have
to call the police.

Oh, and you want me to..

...persuade you
not to call the police?

I'm sure you can be
very persuasive?

If, uh, if we arrive at this..

...this bargain, you, you
won't make any trouble for him?

I don't think you're very clever
to keep talking about him.

I am a very jealous man.

We're thieves together,
nothing else.

Oh, the stupid.
I..

I don't think either of us
is very stupid, Mr. Dina--

Shh!

And I suggest that
you leave this room.

- If you don't, I..
- If I don't?

If you don't..

...I shall ring this alarm
that they tell me arouses

the entire house.

Oh, now, why would you
do such a silly thing?

Between spending one more
moment in this room with you

and going to jail,
I prefer jail.

I don't believe you.

No?

No.

That would make it
very awkward for you.

But not for you.

You just explain how you..

...caught the thieves,
you'd be rather a hero.

Will you go?

No.

Jane!

Jane! Are you alright?

I'm not in the least alright.

- What are you doing in here?
- Well, I..

That's what
everybody will want to know.

Will you please open
the door, Mr. Dinas?

It happens every time.

You let one of these
hot-blooded Latin's

in the house,
and bells begin ringing.

Same thing happens
to me every time

I get out in San Diego.

Uh, Lady Loverly, what's wrong?

Senor Dinas will explain.

Presenting, Senor Dinas.

Well, the explanation
is obvious.

I forced my way into
this room and locked the door.

Lady Loverly, did not
welcome my attentions.

I owe you all an apology.

Chiefly, Lady Loverly.

I hope she will forgive me.

You should be horse whipped.

I agree, senor, but, uh..

...you are not a man to do it.

Senor Dinas has apologized.

The kindest thing
will be to forget it.

Never in your life.

I've let him and his grandmother

say nothin' of those pigs

go on living at the palace
as if he owned it.

Well, they don't.

He's been borrowing on it
for me for years.

In the morning, you and your
pigs will be on the street.

- Please, Mrs. Wortin.
- No, Jane, no.

I'm always ready
to pay for my mistakes.

You've made only one mistake.

A very generous one.

Don't.

Hey!

He's got a necklace
just like mine.

It's yours. I stole it
out of your safe.

Jumpin' cats.

'What a perfectly delightful scandal.'

I just can't wait
to get back to town.

Come on. Let's go see what she's
done with the rest of my junk.

Light the lamp please, somebody,
so I can see where I'm going.

Wait.

Since I made another mistake..

...I hope it's not
too late to correct it.

Come. We'll go out
the same way I came in.

Did you ring, madam?

Hoskins.

We have no need of you
at the moment, Hoskins.

I would suggest that
you return to your quarters.

'Oh, no. You don't.'

Stay right where you are.

This is gonna
shock you, Hoskins.

But your friend,
Lady Loverly is a crook.

Lady Loverly,
the Marchioness of Pennyston.

The darling of Mayfair?
Incredible.

- She swiped this.
- Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

That's appalling. Allow me.

Now, you have made
a mistake, Mrs. Wortin.

How?

You will find out
in a moment, madam.

What have you done to Panchito?

He looked rather tired.
I lulled him back to sleep.

Oh, I'm getting tired
of this palaver.

Hoskins, call the sheriff.

That if I may say so, madam

would be the supreme mistake.

You see mine is the mastermind
behind this robbery.

Oh, now don't shoot.
Don't shoot.

Please, Mrs. Wortin,
don't be alarmed.

All we ask is a carriage
and a pass--

There's no point
in running away.

They'll call the police
before you're gone.

No. No, they won't.

I have here a pass
through the enemies' lines.

A letter written to you
by Mr. Tracy Collans.

I doubt if anyone
will want to go the police

when they've heard what's in it.

Why, this is outrageous.

I demand that you return
that letter to me at once.

But the letter is clearly
mine, Mr. Collans.

It's addressed to me in what I
presume is your own handwriting.

But it was his idea
for me to write it.

Oh, thanks, partner.

Oh, always prepared for a rainy
day and all that sort of thing.

Well, I suggest
you read it, Jane.

Read it? Aloud.

At the top of your voice
if you don't mind.

I refuse to stay in this
room and be insulted.

Oh, please don't leave us,
Mr. Collans. I beg of you.

Nigel is much
too modest to tell you

that he as the best shot
in Coldstream Guards.

Well, you, uh,
you all seem to be

in this in one way or another.

So, if you have to listen why
not make yourselves comfortable?

Ha, that's the most sensible
thing I've heard tonight.

Yes, please tell us.

Well, here we go then.

- "My dear, Lady Loverly."
- I protest.

Oh, you're interrupting,
Mr. Collans.

"My dear, Lady Loverly.

"I am of two minds
as I write this.

"First, I have conceived a...
a devotion to you

"which I hope
may blossom into something

of a more endearing nature."

Well, I...I'm sure that's
no longer true, Mr. Collans.

But thank you just the same.

You never had a chance.

You're much too anemic.

'I'd like to get one night sleep
without you hearing things.'

I don't care what you say.
I distinctly heard bells.

My wife is always hearing bells.

She heard bells, alright.

Is there anything wrong?

Anything wrong?

'Lady Loverly only stole
Mrs. Wortin's necklace.'

- 'That's all.'
- Oh, no.

And now, she's about to read
a letter from Mr. Collans

that tells just everything
about everybody.

Say, this sounds
like pretty spicy stuff.

Oh, it is, Mr. Caighn,
and, uh, some it's about you.

It seems that Mr. Collans,
is, uh, quite broad-minded

about the way you squandered
your own fortune

but, uh, he takes a dim view
of your courting other women

on your wife's money.

Your wife's money?

That's what it says
here, Mrs. Pemberson.

Of course,
it's no concern of mine.

Well, there's a bit on
page four that might be.

It, uh, it tells why
your husband divorced you.

It's a lie.

Oh, very well,
then I shan't read it.

'Uh, Jane..'

...no, I say it myself.

This letter has a nice round
of literary style.

Uh, do please start
at the beginning.

The first part is devoted
to some rather personal comments

about Mr. Dinas. Nigel,
I don't want to read this.

Oh, it's just that
according to Mr. Collans here

you've been involved with half

the married women
in San Francisco.

Oh, do not be upset
Mr. Collans.

I...I made no plans
to go to Boston.

Then, there's a rather long
passage about our hostess.

Really, Julia, I-I prefer
to skip this part.

Not me.

My ears are flattened.
Go ahead.

Well, there's a great deal
about how you made your money.

Mr. Collans, of course,
doesn't approve.

- He-he uses the word "theft."
- But-but on the contrary I..

You might not like
the way I made it, Mr. Collans.

But I've got it.

- Isn't this lifeless?
- But I'm not.

- What else does it say?
- Oh, plenty.

He mentions that you began
your career on the..

...the Barbary Coast?

It wasn't the Barbary Coast.

It was a lot farther uptown.

Then, there are further
comments about all of you

that I'd, I'd rather
not read in public.

Anyhow I assume you, you all
know the worst about yourselves.

'Towards the end Mr. Collans..'

...well gets back to me.

He continues to be
my humble and devoted servant

and hopes that one day
there maybe a chance..

...et cetera..

Oh..

Et cetera...et cetera.

I've a lot of proposals
in my time

but none so heavily documented.

I could not believe you
capable of this, Lady Loverly.

Oh, not Lady Loverly,
Mr. Collans. Hoskins.

'Jane Hoskins.'

Hoskins?

Is he your husband?

Oh. Oh, no!

The name is Duxbury.

The honorable Nigel.

Honorable, indeed.

I think this is the most
disgraceful thing

I ever heard of in my life.

What are we going to do
with these people?

I'd put it the other way,
Mr. Caighn.

What are we gonna do with you?

Well, I think it will be
best for all concerned

if we forgot this sully episode.

I'll give you $1,000
for the letter.

- More bribery, Mr. Collans?
- I'll give you two.

Why do you want it?

I want to blackmail you.

I'll give you 3000.

- I'll give you four.
- Don't sell it to her.

I'll give you five.

With whose money?

- 'I'll give you six.'
- Ten!

Fifteen.

Jane, I must apologize for
bringing you to this household.

If I knew what kind
of people they were.

I'd never have dreamt
of doing such a thing.

Oh, don't blame yourself.
How could you know?

I have offered you,
$15,000 for that letter.

- Do I get it?
- Well..

It's a lot of money,
Mr. Collans.

But, uh, the auction
isn't over yet.

I haven't heard
a bid from Mr. Dinas.

Uh, Mr. Dinas cannot
afford blackmail.

But this afternoon I made
my only and final offer.

Everything I possess
or ever will..

...that offer still stands.

Nigel, did you feel
that cool, clean breeze

that just came into this room?

I felt a rather sharp draft.

I know how hard you worked but..

...may I?

It's your property, Jane.

Juan, you take it.

Use it anyway you wish.

It...it might be a way of
keeping your house and..

...all those nice pigs.

Oh, he can keep his house

And his nice little pigs.

I'm not mad at Juan. Matter
of fact, I'm not mad at anybody.

I haven't had as much as fun

since the fleet
came back from Manila.

I'll keep the letter Jane.

But only for your protection.

You mean to say you're gonna
condone these criminals.

Listen, little Nemo,
the only difference

between you and them is
that they got caught.

Well, I for one
will leave this house

the first thing in the morning.

'I should think you would.'

I can't wait
to get out of this house.

I can understand that.

Oh, there's no need
for you to spoil

your weekend
on my account...because..

...I shall be leaving first
thing in the morning myself.

With, uh, with
your permission, Julia.

Oh, you don't have
to leave, Jane.

You can stay
as long as you like.

After all,
I've got the necklace.

Oh, Nigel, what do you say when
the lady you've tried to rob

insists on being so nice?

I'm sorry, it does seem
a bit inadequate.

And I am sorry.

Sorry for so many things.

Julia, I think it's best
that I do leave.

So, if you'll excuse me
I'll go and pack now.

Hey!

'Which one of the boys
you goin' with?'

Neither.

I'm going alone.

You ought to be run
out of town on a rail.

Oh, go on, get out of here.

The whole the whole kit
and caboodle of ya

or I'll start writing letters.

- 'Really, I've never..'
- 'I tell you I was minding..'

- Your artillery, madam.
- Thank you, Hoskins.

Oh!

She's crying.

And it's your fault.

You have brought her this.

- I have?
- Yes, you.

Such a nice person
living that sort of life.

It is clear that you've
taken advantage of her.

That's ridiculous.

She's crying
'cause you're kind to her.

When you care to be kind to her
at a moment like that.

Well?

Well, we may as well, uh..

Gotta get some sleep.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

That's a...an excellent idea.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Uh, if I appear not to trust you

it's only because I don't.

Oh...I have no intention..

...of going away
and leaving you here..

...on the lady's doorstep.

- You haven't?
- No.

- I was afraid of that.
- Oh, you were?

Yeah.

Well, while we're waiting..

...w-watching each other
why-why don't we..

drink some
of Mrs. Wortin's brandy?

Oh, I have no objection to that.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I...I came to say goodbye.

Well, that's more than
the others did.

They grabbed all my carriages
and disappeared like

beer at a policemen's picnic.

I'm going to do
just the same thing.

Oh, what's your hurry?

Sit down.
Split a kidney with me.

Well, thanks, no.

I really would like to leave

before I see either
Nigel or Juan.

I think you're just
a little bit too late.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Well, will you tell
the ladies about decision, Juan?

Well, perhaps you should, Nigel.

You have a better
command of English.

You have a charming accent.

You two are very matey.

Yes, yes.

As Nigel says there is no reason

why gentlemen should quarrel.

Oh, is that what
you wanted to tell us?

Uh, no, that was,
uh, parenthetical.

Jane..

...we have talked
the whole matter out

Nigel and I.

And it is clear to both of us
that you must give up your

unfortunate association
with him and marry me.

Well, we-we fear there maybe

a certain awkwardness
with my grandmother

Nigel and I feel
it can be worked out.

And what else do
Nigel and you feel?

We feel I can make you happy.

In all fairness, I must
tell you that we didn't come

to this decision because
of any lack of affection

on Nigel's part, on the
contrary, it is because

of his deep concern for your
future that he has agreed.

Seems to be very,
very unselfish, Jane

and you should be very
proud that he loves you.

Loves me?

Do you love me, Nigel?

Actually, I-I adore you, yes.

I see no indication of it.

Oh, I'm a man
of...tremendous self-control.

I must admit there have
been certain times when I've..

...almost let it go.

Oh, really, which times?

You know there's no good
poking about in the past.

No...you'll be happy, you two.

Well, may I be the first to
give you...a wedding present.

Jane...
these aren't paste.

I, I lied you to deliberately
to play upon your...sympathy.

To make you behave..

...exactly as you did.

You blaggard.

It's all shining crystal clear!

All these time you had some

filthy, cunning,
little scheme up your sleeve

and I'm to have no part of it.

No part of it, eh?

Well, at the risk of being
accused of understatement.

I'll tell you that
you're un-mitigated

double-dealing, mealymouthed

underhanded scoundrel!

And I should have
known it from the first.

You got bad blood in you.
It's in the family.

You're weak, you're all weak!

You should see his
twin brother Lord Minden.

A-a-a mean, arrogant

frozen fish!

And you look exactly alike.

Exactly alike, ladies
and gentleman, exactly.

You'd sound like a screaming

caterwauling cat from
a stable and why not?

That's where you
spent most of your life.

That does it.

That really does it.

How could I ever
have been such a fool

as to be in love with you?

- In love with me?
- Well, of course, I was.

But you're too stupid to see it.

Well, now, I loathe you.

Do you understand that?

I absolutely loathe you.

I've never loathed
anyone in my life as much.

Juan, I, I'm ready
to go with you now.

But I'm not ready
to take you, Jane.

But I want to go with you.

No, you don't.

- You want him.
- Oh, no. I...I hate him.

Jane..

...if ever I find
a woman who can

hate me so...so passionately

then I will know it is love.

Goodbye and..

...good luck to you.

Adios, amigos.

And may God go with you.

You beast, see what you've done?

I wonder..

...could you possibly
arrange for a carriage now?

I find myself suddenly
in rather a hurry.

- Well, I'll see what I can do.
- Thank you.

Here.

Where are you going and...
what are you going to do?

That's no possible
concern of yours.

On the contrary,
it's my only concern.

Look, Jane, sell these earrings

and go to your
cousin in Brooklyn.

I don't want
any advice from you.

Yes, you do.

You're just a babe in arms.

Most men have
no principle whatsoever

where women are concerned.

Look, may I stay with you

just till I'm sure you're safe.

You have some sort
of a plan, haven't you?

Yes, I have.

I happened to have
fallen in love and I..

plan to be worthy
of it if I can.

Look, in this little book

I have the name of names
of all our, our clients.

I've planned to pay
them all back every penny

even though it means
going to work.

Oh, it sounds like
a lovely plan, Nigel.

Why don't you let me help?

Be faster that way.

You know,
we're pretty good together.

Oh, don't say things
like that to me.

It makes me feel very odd.

No carriages.

'Mrs. Wortin.'

Good morning, sheriff.

Mornin', Mrs. Wortin.

Well, sheriff,
what are you doin' here?

Looking for a man named Duxbury

and the young
woman name of Hoskins.

Now, everything is alright.

I got my necklace back.

And I'm not going
to make any charges.

So, just forget the whole thing.

Don't know nothing
about a necklace.

Come here, buster.

This is Inspector McGraw
of Scotland Yard.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Good morning, Ms. Hoskins.

Good morning.

Oh, it's...oh, it's, inspector..

- Eh, good morning, My Lord.
- No, I'm not a lord.

I told you before, remember?
I'm just a plain honorable man.

My information's a bit
later than yours, My Lord.

You're brother passed
away recently he did.

And now you're a Baron Minden.

Henry dead, how?

He was hunting grouse.

Killed by a grouse?

No, madam.

It seems that
one member of the party

was a very poor shot.

Oh!

What a rum go
for poor old Henry.

Rumgo,is that all you can say

when your only
brother passes away?

Oh, I can say more. I never
got on with him naturally.

But I was sorry for him,
he was all dried up inside.

I always hoped he'd...cut
loose and have some fun

before he called it a day.

Well..

...so you came
all the distance to

to bring his
this news, inspector--

Well, not exactly.

Well, Hoskins!

So, you're alord!

Oh, please, get up.

Now, you and Jane
have got to stay a while

and I'll give a whale
of a party for you.

Well, I'm afraid his lordship
can't stay any longer, madam.

You see, I'm here on
the king's business.

The king's business?

This is
United States of America.

No king's got any business here.

Eh, sheriff?

Well, ma'am, it so happens

he has an extradition order.

I am very sorry, but I must
place you both under arrest.

Arrest?

I'm consumed with curiosity.

Who makes the charges,
inspector?

Sir Roland Epping.

He alleges that
on the night of May 11

in the Hotel Cecil

you mocked him out of a hundred
pounds for a bogus charity

called the Nile Fund.

Oh, theNile Fund.

Oh, theNile Fund.

Little faces now
losing their shine.

Are ours.

'Well, I suppose we have
to go. He's got the paper.'

You chaps are really
bloodhounds, aren't you?

We...try to do our jobs.

And now that we've met again,
I don't like to rush you, but..

...I would like to be
getting home to the misses.

She was expecting me for tea.

Fourteen months ago.

Oh, we mustn't keep
the inspector another moment.

No, certainly not.

Well, it's goodbye, dear Julia.

You have been generous to us.

I'll miss you, Jane.

Goodbye, Julia.

You must come see us in..

How long do
you think, inspector?

With good behavior,
not very long, My Lord.

When you get to London, we'll
give you a whale of a party.

Jane..

...do you mind?

Of course, not.

Bye.

Nigel...do you mind?

No, of course not.

Julia, I know it doesn't make up
for our dreadful behavior

but I would like
you to have those.

Oh, thank you, Jane.

Hey! Weren't these
a gift from your husband?

I hope so.