Original subtitles

[ School bell rings ] So, this is how we're kicking off Thanksgiving, huh?

Watching a second-grade president

on a power trip pardon a turkey?

Sad thing is, this is the highlight of my week.

Give Rory a break. He's running for re-election.

I spent all night helping him

with his Barack Obama impression.

[ As Obama ] Uh, look, uh, I want to be clear.

[ Laughs ] That's pretty good. Thanks.

Hey. Miggy's gonna be a minute.

He's stuck in the security line.

[ Wand warbling ] This ain't right.

We all got a job to do.

Hey, Room Parent, I saw your coffee station.

A little worried those beans weren't farmed responsibly.

Yeah, that's because they weren't. Move along, please.

Hm.

Pronstroller -- she just broke up with her boyfriend,

so now all of her extra energy is directed on me.

She texted me last night,

asking if I was okay with non-gendered CPR dummies.

Hmm. I have no opinion in these matters.

Tell you what I do know -- that woman needs a man.

[ Scoffs ] Uh --

Will, why don't you take her off my hands?

I'm dating someone.

Tracy Freeze?

I told you I'm bringing her to your Thanksgiving?

Hey, Miggy.

Did you know if you don't have kids at this school,

they put you on a list?

Check this -- you and me, we're gonna be

the only single losers at Thanksgiving.

Oh, you're not gonna love this,

but, um, I've been seeing someone for a few weeks.

We're vibing pretty hard! I'm gonna bring her.

Really?

So, it's just gonna be me

and Tony at the singles table.

Well, actually,

Cassandra and Tony are back together again.

She stopped gambling,

and he's actually learning how to listen.

* 'Cause we're number one *

* Number one, number one, number one, number one *

* Number one, number one *

Good morning, Hilltop.

Today, I would like to grant a presidential pardon

to a very special guest.

Please welcome Cookies!

[ Cheers and applause, "Hail to the Chief" plays on stereo ]

[ Turkey gobbling, squawking ]

Whoa!

Code Blue! Get him out! Let's go! Let's go!

[ Laughs ]

-- Captions by VITAC --

**

[ Turkey gobbles ]

Oh.

Hello, Tony.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I thought I was doing the turkey,

but I guess we have two turkeys.

What a blessing.

[ Bag thuds ]

Well, he's doing it again.

Tony always has to one-up me at the holidays.

This is just like Labor Day.

[ Children laughing ]

**

You know what? Tony is an old man.

The only thing he's at war with is time.

Well, looks like my hands are gonna be full,

so can you do me a favor and hang out with Tracy when she gets here?

Oh, really, dude?

The one good thing about being single on Thanksgiving

is being able to drink without having responsibility

for anybody but myself.

Isn't Graham here? Probably.

Look, it'll be easy. You and Tracy are friends.

We've said, like, four words to each other ever --

"Hi," "Hello," "Hey," and "Nice shoes,"

which is just girl-speak for "Hello," so, doesn't count.

Angie, this is Tracy and I's first holiday together,

and, more importantly,

my first opportunity to cook her a bird.

So the stakes could not be higher.

I'm begging you, please just put in a little effort.

Today is about gathering and sharing in the...

Oh, no, that's fine, Tony.

Use as much of my sea salt as you need.

Son of a bitch.

What are we doing? The guests are arriving.

And you know this is a white Thanksgiving,

so folks are gonna want to eat at 2:00.

I just want to savor this moment

before we're besieged with riffraff --

and yes, I am including our kids in that mix.

Oh. Well, I don't know. It's such a big house.

So many rooms to give thanks in.

Indeed.

Including rooms I've never seen before.

[ Handle rattles ]

Oh, that door's locked.

Can we unlock it?

Let's not ruin the sensual atmosphere

with questions.

Uh-huh. [ Doorbell rings ]

Time to play host.

[ Grunts ]

Okay.

Sorry, but what's behind the door?

[ Inhales sharply ]

Oh, your ass gonna get opened.

This is the life.

Why do we need to wait for holidays to relax?

Every Thursday should be like this.

Emma Fogerty's off the clock.

[ Sighs ]

Feels good to let the gut out.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Fine, I'll get it.

Got forbid I lay down for five seconds.

[ Sighs ]

Ms. Homily Pronstroller!

Graham. Happy Genocide Day.

My teacher.

In my temporary home?

Who's watching the school?

Hi, friends.

Uh, what are we doing with our day?

I hope we're not just lying around.

Um...no. No. [ Scoffs ]

We are in our comfy pants...

because we are rehearsing our Thanksgiving play.

Well, I'm sure it'll reflect everything I've taught you

and not traditional holiday stereotypes.

Graham: Great. Now we got to come up with a play.

We're screwed.

Do any of you even remember the Thanksgiving unit?

No. [ Sighs ]

If I thought I wasn't gonna direct a play today, I was crazy.

To the sauna!

Okay, so you're really just gonna let it sit...

You're dating the teacher? Yeah.

Did you think I was hanging out at your kids' school for no reason?

And none of you said anything?

Oh, this is fantastic.

I was hoping she'd start dating again

so she'd have more in her life than just ordering me around.

Miggy, my simple friend,

you are the answer to my prayers.

Our vibe is electric.

Me plus her equals heart emoji plus fireworks emoji

plus a double dose of train emojis.

It's an inside joke.

Mm.

Douglas, did you get my text

about the blow-up snowman we got

for the holiday pageant?

Well, it didn't come with a motor,

so you're gonna have to blow it up with your mouth.

I did and will certainly get to it.

I just wouldn't want to take time away from you and Miggy.

You call that vibe electric?

Why didn't you say anything?

Oh, we've never talked.

You're dating someone you've never talked to?

That's how people date in the digital age.

It's all about sliding into DMs,

GIFs, likes, reposts, double taps.

You feel me?

I do not, nor will I ever.

Nice shoes, Tracy.

Oh, nice shoes to you.

Hmm.

Did I say "nice shoes"?

Yeah. Did I say it back?

Yeah. Mm.

You know, it's been a while

since I've done a group Thanksgiving.

Most years, I just do Walter's Diner.

Shut up.

You know Walter's? Yes! Of course.

It's exclusively for sad and single people.

It's like the middle seat on a plane,

but a restaurant.

Huh. Tracy Freeze knows Walter's.

Did not see that coming.

Oh, yeah. I'm a wild card.

Check this -- I have a bearded dragon named BJ.

What? No way.

Yeah. No cage. Just loose in my house.

Okay, Freeze. I'm not changing the channel.

What else you got?

[ Door opens ]

Miggy? A moment?

Yo. Listen.

I just got another e-mail from Pronstroller.

Subject heading -- "Clear your next five Saturdays."

I thought you were gonna get her off my back.

Dude, I told you, people my age don't have conversations.

Well, maybe it's time you learned how to have one.

In fact...Pronstroller?

Both of you, in my study, 10 minutes.

And you may want to brace yourself,

because I have multiple paintings

by George W. Bush in there.

Oh.

[ Both laugh ] You're kidding.

I am not kidding!

Oh.

This printer is stylish and fire-resistant.

Oh. Snerfink.

Mm. Make a note of it in your phone.

S-N-E-R-F... Mm-hmm.

...I-N-K. I-N-K.

Mm-hmm. I am sold.

I am buying one.

Can't! It was recalled years ago.

No. Okay, your turn.

Okay. Um...let's see.

I told you about...

the Chipotle I co-own in Memphis,

my meltdown at the Laugh Factory... Ah.

...how I was in the test trial of NuvaRing.

I feel like that's it.

Dig deep, Freeze.

I'm gonna go gas up,

and when I come back, I want juicy.

Juice.

Juice.

I think Tony put something in my gravy.

How's it going with Tracy? Seems like you guys are bonding.

We are.

Will, did you know that Tracy is actually cool?

Like, you are dating a cool person.

She's got a frickin' loose lizard in her house.

Well, Angie, and I mean this in the nicest way possible --

in your face.

[ Sighs ]

So, you want me to tell you

everything I know about Thanksgiving.

Yeah, and hurry. Or do you not want me to go to college?

[ Clears throat ] Okay.

Um...Plymouth Rock.

Corn is maize.

Um...Santa Maria?

That was Columbus. Are you kidding me?

This was a waste of my time.

Alright. You were right.

I was wrong.

She's perfect. Are you happy?

I will be happy when I am standing on Tony's grave.

[ Appliance beeps ]

Tony, don't touch that stuff!

I'll preheat your ass to 350!

Oh, Angie, do you know anything about...

Of course you don't.

[ Wine pours ] Hey, uh, I thought of something juicy

to tell you about me. Ooh.

Juice me, Freeze.

But remember, you can't tell anyone, especially Will.

Mama loves a secret. Come on.

I, um...

I don't like Sophie.

[ Exhales sharply ] Hey-o!

[ Chuckles ] But for real, what is it?

No, for real. That kid is so annoying.

Ooh! [ Chuckles ] Yeah. Right?

Mm! [ Laughs ] Oh, God.

This is fun. Mm-hmm.

What fun.

[ Chuckles ] [ Laughs ]

We're still having fun.

[ Laughs ] Mm.

**

Alrighty. First things first -- give me your phones.

What?

I'll give them back to you when we're done. Come on.

Miggy, what are you doing?

Oh. Sometimes, when I don't have my phone,

my thumb continues texting.

Stop it!

Alright, I've come up

with a few everyday conversation starters.

"Baseball Hall of Famers."

"Poetry -- Why?"

"Conical-shaped brassieres." [ Chuckles ]

"How to look like a gentleman in the hot summer months."

Now, that is a rich vein,

and you may find yourself musing on the subject of shorts.

Are they ever appropriate?

You'll get there on your own.

[ Door closes ]

**

Oh, hey, Poppy. There you are.

I've got to talk to you. Wait, what are you doing?

Douglas won't tell me what's behind this door,

so [Clicks tongue] I'm breaking in.

Yeah. My thing's more interesting.

Look. Get this, alright?

Will's girlfriend, Tracy Freeze,

said she doesn't like Sophie.

Bombshell.

Wait. How is that a bombshell? Because.

Wouldn't you be upset if Douglas said Rory was annoying?

Oh, I'm pretty sure Douglas does find Rory annoying,

because -- news flash -- kids are annoying.

Ooh, that should be a slogan for condoms.

Anyway, Ang, please tell me

you didn't make a big deal out of this.

Relax, alright?

On the inside, I was super judgmental,

but on the outside, I said all the right things.

Oh, God.

I can't believe I said I didn't like my boyfriend's daughter.

That is a big problem.

And also, I meant it. Ohhh.

Are Will and I doomed?

[ High-pitched ] I meeeeeean...

Oh, no. You "I meaned" her?

[ Normal voice ] "I mean" is a neutral statement.

Yeah, but what about the high-pitched part?

That part I can't explain.

Look, don't you think that Will should know about this?

Okay, look, Ang, I'm on my own deadline here, okay,

so let's speed things along.

Permission to switch into bitch mode.

Permission granted.

Bitch, what is this really about?

Are you hating on other people's relationships

just because you're the only single person here?

[ Scoffs ] Bitch, do not single-shame me, alright?

I may not be in a relationship,

but at least I'm not trying to break into

my boyfriend's locked door.

[ Gasps ] Bitch, that man had a secret son.

For all I know, there's a twin brother behind that door,

or -- or a dead wife

or illegally imported skin products

I could use just in case black does crack.

Now, look, Ang, Will and Tracy's relationship

is not your business.

So just support him. He'd do the same for you.

[ Exhales sharply ] You're right, okay?

I will let it go.

But for the record,

I'm not the only single person here.

None of the kids have dates.

Yes, bitch.

Hey, have you seen Poppy? Will: No.

Have you seen Tracy or Angie or Miggy

or any of our children?

Where is everyone?

What the hell happened to your hand?

The short version is, I punched Tony's turkey.

Will you cut the guy a break?

He's a good egg, and he's had a hard life.

He's seen things --

usually through the sight of a high-powered rifle.

[ Crash in distance ]

What was that?

That's the sound of two 24-year-olds

attempting to have a conversation.

They must have gotten to the card that says "Desert Storm."

[ Chuckles ] Right.

Wait, what?

We had to invade. Saddam had us by the balls --

Oh, God!

Hey, Douglas. Great flashcards.

Hope you don't want them back.

It's been two hours, and we're nowhere.

What do we do?

You know what? I say we stage a medical emergency.

Sophie, let me see you faint.

You do it. Fine.

Take notes, babies.

[ Breathes deeply ]

It's '97,

and we've just lost our princess.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, guys.

Who said that? Are you an angel?

Yeah. Have you seen Tracy?

No.

Hey, Angie, what the heck?

I just got a text. Tracy said she left?

Oh, my God.

Okay. Come with me.

And scene.

Mm. Ah.

Mm.

Hey, D, you want to get in on this?

Do I want to drink from the faucet with you?

I do not. Okay.

Uh, guess you didn't need those flashcards.

No, we did. We got to one that said "boat names,"

and I was like, "I don't know any,"

and she was like, "Let's have sex."

And you obliged, in my home.

Well, at least things with you two are moving along.

Nah, we're through.

We DM'd, we liked each other's posts, we had sex.

That's the arc. No, no, no.

The arc is you keep seeing her

so I can get back to a world with no nut allergies

and where everyone knows what gender they are.

Yeah, but I don't know if I really like Pronstroller.

I barely know her.

Well, then why end it before you find out?

Come on. Don't pretend like you care. [ Scoffs ]

I do.

I started to like the idea of you having someone.

I was tired of watching you walk around alone

with your weird hat and weird baby.

He is weird, right?

Listen, you can always go back to your BMs,

but you have to ask yourself --

"Maybe I'm ready for something more real."

You mean like what you have with Poppy?

Do not discuss my private life.

But yes.

Hey, guys, the play is almost...

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

No one's buying it, Rory.

God, this kid's annoying.

**

Will: Walter's?

Isn't this place for people without families, loved ones, or hope?

No depression, no despair, no service.

Oh, no. Tracy is here.

Ugh, this is all my fault.

I got so caught up in my feud with Tony,

I didn't spend any time with my girlfriend.

What if that was Tony's plan all along?

Will, no. [ Sighs ]

This is actually on me.

We started talking about your relationship,

and I may have spooked her.

What? How?

It was accidental.

Oh. I specifically asked you to be supportive this time.

A-And I was, and it was going really well.

I even shared some of Douglas' wine --

the good stuff that I hoard for myself in the sauna.

But then she said something that I didn't love,

and I tried to be cool --

Oh, God. You "I meaned" her.

No. I never said that.

You "I mean" me all the time.

Why do you think I have a beard again?

Is that why that thing is back?

You do think I look better with it, right?

[ High-pitched voice ] I meeeeeeean... [ Scoffs ]

Well, now, I am very confused. [ Normal voice ] Okay, look.

Tracy is great, okay?

And maybe I was feeling down

about being the only single person at Thanksgiving,

and I took it out on her.

But you're in a good relationship --

over the holidays.

That never happens.

So, go. Get your girl.

Thanks. [ Seatbelt unbuckles ]

Wait. What did Tracy say that upset you?

She just said that...

she was very excited to try Tony's turkey.

Oh, yeah?

Well, is she also excited for him to go straight to Hell?

Don't do this. Just go. Okay.

**

**

That's what I'm talking about, Walter.

Keep that diner single.

Are you okay? I haven't seen you all day.

Look.

The truth is, I got in my head

that you're hiding something in here.

And this is your next logical step?

Hey, in my defense, you've had your share of skeletons, Douglas.

Okay, you're right. I haven't been an open book.

But I promise you, I'm not hiding any more adult sons.

Why'd you specify adult sons?

You know what? I'm sorry.

I'm just -- I'm paranoid because...

I haven't been in something this good in a while,

and you're making me a little crazy.

[ Chuckles ] You think you're crazy?

I just lectured Miggy on the benefits of romance,

and that was only 50% out of self-interest.

That's what you're doing to my brain.

You actually make me thankful on Thanksgiving.

For me? Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm thankful for you, too.

**

And I meant everything I said.

But I really got to know what's behind this door.

So, can you... [ Sighs ]

You are unbelievable.

Well, I-I just want to see it.

[ Sighs ] [ Sighs ]

Well, that's a real let-down.

Yeah.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

**

Hey, so, uh, I made a couple of cards.

They're not as good as Douglas',

but...I-I want to get to know you.

**

Okay. [ Chuckles ]

"Food."

"Table."

"Chairs."

W-Were these just things you were looking at?

Yeah, yeah. You know what? You're right. These are stupid.

No, no. I want to talk.

Let's do, um...food.

Okay. Okay.

Um...I...

I like ranch dressing.

I love ranch!

It's my second-favorite food, after ketchup.

So, is everything cool with Tracy?

Yeah.

I, uh, I think I'll wait till after the holidays

to bring up the Tony thing --

if they aren't sleeping with each other by then.

Or you could drop it and never bring it up.

[ Laughing ] Oh, Angie.

Permission to go full bitch mode?

Denied. Damn it.

I'm gonna go check on my turkey.

[ Chuckles ]

**

So...glad you and Will worked things out.

We did.

And thank you for bringing him to Walter's

and not spilling any of that crazy stuff I said.

Oh. Of course.

I mean, you know, the truth is, it's...

it's not that crazy.

I didn't really get kids until I had one of my own.

And even now, I'm only half on board.

Kidding. Wonderful child.

I get it, Angie.

You and Will are both parents.

You'll always have that bond.

I'm not part of your club.

Oh. Well, no, that's not what I meant.

It's all good.

And it was fun almost making friends with you tonight.

Almost?

But I thought we had a good time. We did.

But I don't think we're gonna do that again.

Thank you for keeping my secret,

and I promise I will keep yours.

Wait, what secret?

[ Sighs ]

I think you know.

You're in my seat.

Oh.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh. You must be Cassandra.

Graham: Mom, over here.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Tony's turkey.

Wow. As big as a condor

and twice as delicious. [ Chuckles ]

But also, probably more important,

is save some room for my turkey, which will be out shortly.

It's just someone turned off the oven.

But you don't know anything about that, do you, Tony?

There. There. He just smiled.

Did you see that? Did you see?

He's 110 pounds of pure evil.

Okay, well, just eat the damn turkey.

Fine.

I will eat this slop, but I will not be happy about --

Oh. Oh, my God.

It's the best thing I've ever tasted in my life.

It's my own fault.

All those times I punched it made it more tender.

[ Smacks lips ] Okay. Tony, you've done it again.

Tony.

Tony.

Tony?

Ah, let him sleep.

He has a 5k tomorrow.

To Thanksgiving.

All: Happy Thanksgiving.

This is the story about Thanksgiving --

a story that reflects all of the knowledge

bestowed upon us

by our guest of honor, Ms. Pronstroller.

[ Adults murmur ]

Pilgrims.

Native Americans.

A new world.

Turkeys.

-Cranberries. -A boat.

-Two boats. -Three boats.

Possibly four boats.

**

Is this all they've learned this year?

Please e-mail all concerns to Douglas.

**