Original subtitles

I can't believethe kids won't tell us

what they're going as this year.

Like, I'm having the shin-sweatsjust thinking about it.

Must be a group thing with the five of them.

But nothing obvious.

Rory can't stand first-thought ideas.

Don't even get him started on the name "Cheesecake Factory."

Well, let's see.

We have three girls and two boys.

I don't even know why I'm tryingto figure it out.

I really could not care less.

Alright, Miggy, you're sure you're good

to hand out Halloween candy at my house?

It's a big job.

You gotta keep it spooky,

which is an acronym for "Scary,""Paranormal," "Oh, no,"

"Oh, God," "Keep that thingaway from me," "Yay!"

Chill. I get it.

I open the door, I hand out candy, I close the door.

Jack and I got it covered.

[ Grunts ]

You made him the volleyball from "Cast Away"?

Yeah, I wanted someone to talk to.

Miggy, you can talk to your sonwhen he's in regular clothes.

Rory: We're ready! Here we come!Oh.

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Are -- Are you guys j-jury duty?

Oh, God. They're us.

I sell books about wine.

More or less, yeah.

I have a law joband I drive a minivan.

Cool. She gave me two things.

I'm 10 feet tall.

You know, I couldn't even buy jeans

until the Internet was invented.

I hate sand in my shoesbut like keeping my baby alive.

Yo, this is like "SNL"!

Could someone be a menschand pass the schmear?

[ Laughter ]

I don't get it. That's not me.

Okay, that's you.

Yeah, but why is she doing me Jewish?

You aren't Jewish?

No.

It's your essence, though.

[ Laughter ]

I always get my own schmear.

--Captions by VITAC--

Awooo!

Look.

I just put the finishing toucheson our pumpkin.

Oh, this looks great.

Everybody, check it out.

It's Ruth Bader Ginsburg

shoulder-pressing two smaller Ruth Bader Ginsburgs

shoulder-pressing even more Ruth Bader Ginsburgs.

It's a fractal.

Oh. Everything's gottabe something now.

Oh, which reminds me, before anybody moves,

can you all wave hi to Tracy for her birthday video?

-Hey. -Happy birthday. -Happy birthday.

Hi. Awesome. Thank you.

Sophie, I want you to tell everybody

I want butts in seats and pumpkins on laps

in five minutes.

Okay, wait, so, it's Tracy's birthday?

Yeah, she's having a party

at some weird barcalled The Padded Cell.

She's got family coming in from Poland.

No, they are not bringing sausage,

and, yes,it was offensive to ask.

Oof. Caught between your girlfriend and your kid?

It's been totally fine.

I went to her directly,and I said,

"Are you okay with memissing your party?"

And she said, "Yes."

Hey, you know I want to be at your birthday,

but it's Halloween.

That's okay, right?

Yaiyse.

Oh, honey.

"Yaiyse" is not a yes.

When there are that many letters in the word "yes," it's a no.

So, you think she's upset?

Ya.

See how few letters my "yes" had in it?

That's how sure I am.

Aw, man.I thought I was balancing

the whole kid-girlfriend thing perfectly.

Alright, look, the trick is

that you have to make Tracy feel like she is a priority,

even though this is the mostimportant night in the kid year.

It's like in"The American President," right?

The country comes first,

but Andy still can't completely screw over Sydney.

Okay.So, how does that --

Girl, that is one of my favorite movies.

You want to watch a scene real quick on my phone?

Uh, yes.

[ Both chuckle ]

Well, that's women for ya.

You know, they're quick to point out a problem,

and then when you need a solution,

they're watching Michael Douglason their phones.

Okay,I need to figure this out.

I think I can actuallymake it to Tracy's party,

drop in for a quick hello,

and make it back to the schoolin time for the Jack-Off.

The what now?

Well, that's what the kidshave started calling

the jack-o'-lantern contest.

Breezing through, you're not gonna be able to make both,

not with Halloween traffic.

This is what you do -- You get Tony to drive you.

He's insanely fast.

He was the stunt driver on"Smokey and the Bandit" 1 and 3.

But not"Smokey and the Bandit II"?

Mnh. Didn't like the script.

[ Footsteps approaching ]Daddy? They're coming.

Oh, great. Um, Sophie,

I-I think I'm actually gonna be a little late to Halloween.

Why?

Um...when grown-ups

are in an adult relationship --

He has to go pick upLife Savers. Mm-hmm.

But you'll be back in timefor the pumpkin contest?

Oh, yeah.We're gonna win this year,for sure.

First-place prize isa $30 gift card to Denny's.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Life Savers?

It's right there in the name.

Alright, alright, let's go.

Everyone leaving for Hilltop,please step forward. Uhp!

Not so fast, Mom and Angie.

Rory and I have something to say to you.

We've decided that we're big kids now,

and we can handle Halloweenwithout you.

We're telling you in front of other people

so you won't make a scene.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay, bye, Mom.Don't have a meltdown.

See you later! You'll be fine!

[ Door opens ]Don't worry about us.

Just gifted us a girls' night.

So get out of here so we can start partying.

[ Both chuckle ]

Alright.

A whole night to ourselves?

What do you want to do?

Mm-mnh-mnh. You want to, uh...

cry?

Yeah.

[ Voice breaking ] Our kids just ditched us.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Remember, buddy, Will's counting on us.

Keep it spooky.

Both: Trick or treat!

And to you, too. Booooo!

Is that it?

Yeah. Why?

This is Will Cooper's house, right? Mm-hmm.

We've just come to expect more.

He really put on a show last year.

I-I can do it again.

I think maybeyou didn't hear the "boo."

We heard it.

Is Will coming back? No.

Oh. Where is he?

He's...

dead.

Oh, my God.

I know. Spooky, right?

Well, I mean, it's terrible. But how did he --

We did it, buddy!

♪♪

[ School bell rings ]So, Douglas, it was your job

to decorate the classroom for Halloween.

How many G's did you drop on fake cobwebs?

Wait, Iwas supposed to decorate?

You were supposed to elaboratelydecorate.

You're the Room Parent.

[ Sighs ]

Well, there's nothing scarier than disappointment.

There. I did it.

♪♪

[ Scary music plays ]

♪♪

[ Evil laughter]

♪♪

[ Wolf howls][ Exhales sharply ] I am 8, and I am brave.

So, you diddecorate?

You were just teasing us?

You nimrods impressed?

Our dad did this.

Uh-huh.

Come on.

Well, Douglas.

As your President,

I would like to formally apologize for doubting you.

I didn't do any of this.

I don't know how this stuffgot in here.

Wait. But if youdidn't do any of this, then who did?

No idea.

So, it could be some dangerous psychopath

who's still lurking on the premises?

Well, nothing's off the table.

Oh, God.

I don't want to die dressed as you.

Ugh! This is the worst Halloween

since everyone dressed asLeft Shark from the Super Bowl.

Bottle me.

[ Laughter, music in distance ]

♪♪

Just some teens partying on the golf course.

Mm. Teen partying.

Remember just making outin front of your friends?

Mm-hmm. When did that stop being a thing?

Man, I can't believe Graham and Rory are already over us.

I thought we had more time.

And if they think we're lame now,

just imagine whatthey're gonna think of us

when they're teenagers.

This is gonna keepgetting worse and worse,

like the gooey people from Chernobyl.

That's not gonna happen to us, Ang.

No, this is how it goes.

I loved my parents so much,

and then one day, I woke up,and I never loved them again.

But we're not our parents. We're actually cool.

I have a liquor license. You once rented a Jet Ski.

Havasu 2006!

In fact, I bet those teens out there

would think we were pretty awesome.

Awesome? No.

Maybe they think we're hot,if we're lucky.

Lucky how? No. I don't want to know.

Hey, how about we run an experiment?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't you do this. You always do this.

We get tipsy, and you takeadvantage of my love

of the scientific method.

I say we invite those teens to come party with us.

If they think we're cool,

our kids will also think we're cool when they're that age.

Well...your logic isrock-solid.

Yes! Ha!

Hey, kids!

Who wants to come partyat a rich dude's house?

With two hot chicks!

If there's an Alexa listening,I want to be clear,

I do not need teens to think I'm hot.

Mm-hmm.

♪♪

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Brakes screech ]

[ Brakes screech ]

Long time since your "Smokeyand the Bandit" days, huh?

Okay, I'm gonna be in and outin 20 minutes.

Be ready to fly.[ Seatbelt clicks ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Can pops ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey. Happy birthday.

Oh, my God! You came![ Laughs ]

That's right. I can do it all!

Will, this is incredible.

Oh, everybody,

this is Will,

the employee I chose to date despite HR.

Milo mi cie poznac.

Czesc!

Dzien dobry!

Oh![ Laughs ]

I might have done someflashcards on the ride over.

Ah.I also may have learned

the Polish birthday song.

[ Gasps ]Freeze party?

♪ Sto lat♪

All: ♪ Sto lat♪

♪ Niech zyje, zyje nam♪Sign this.

♪ Sto lat, sto lat♪

♪ Niech zyje, zyje nam♪

Phone, please.

♪ Jeszcze raz, jeszcze raz♪Okay. Yeah.

♪ Niech zyje, zyje nam♪

♪ Niech zyje nam♪

[ Applause ]Thank you, thank you.

Wait, what is this?

[ Door squeaks, slams ]

Man: [ Deep voice ] This is the Padded Cell Escape Room,

an asylum so frightening,

you'll want to tip, tip, tip!

Welcome to Hell, sickos![ Laughs ]

I don't want to be a sicko.

So, you love escape rooms?

What a fun detail to learn at the most opportune moment.

Yeah, I've been doing themfor a couple years now,

and now my Polish relativesare addicted.

Every time I talk to them,

they're like, "Czy robimy pokój ucieczki?"

100%. But I do think that I'm --

You know, I am so gladthat you are here. Mm.

You have absolutely made my birthday.

[ Chuckles ]

Are you really sticking around?

Yaiyse.

[ Both chuckle ]

Now, this escape room --Mm.

...es-quick room, es-long room?

How much time are we talking?

Well, I asked for the mostdifficult one because last year,

Uncle Mikolaj actuallybrought his own shovel

and dug himself out in 15 minutes.

I don't know. I'm thinkingabout two hours or so?

Two hours!

[ Italian accent ] Papa Pizza, that's a spicy-a chunk-a-time!

Yeah, it's an intense one.And they can touch you.

You signed a waiver.

[ Normal voice ] Trapped and touched?

Um...is it mybirthday?

[ Both chuckle ]

Alright, here's the deal.

Between you and me, I have to beat my daughter's school

for a pumpkin contest in, like, less than an hour,

so I will give you $20 for any tips

to get this thing moving along.

[ Alarm blaring ]

Will, did you try and cheat?

No.

Wh-- Ow, ow, ow! What is happening?

Yeah, I think this is actually, like, a bit much, right?

Oh, someone's gonna get sedated.

Sleepy, sleepy.

No. No. No.

I will not take your voodoo medicine.

You get away from me.

You will not -- No, please!

[ Muffled scream ]

Oh, it's a SweeTART.

[ Giggles ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Okay, I'm starting to thinkthat this was a bad idea.

Alright, t-they don'teven think we'recool.

They think the houseis cool.

No, we're cool, okay?

We just gotta get in there.

Watch this.

[ Clears throat ] Attention, everyone!

Can someone please turn that music...

up!

♪ I don't care♪[ Cheering ]

Time me!

[ All chanting "O.J.!" ]

♪ I crashed my car into the bridge♪

Okay, who used my phone to order pizza?

♪ I threw your ish into a bag♪

It was me!

[ Cheering ]

♪ I crashed my car into the bridge ♪

[ All chanting "O.J.!" ]

[ Belching ] Four score and seven years ago...

[ All cheering ]Yeah! She's so cool!

Yeah!

So, then I told Ron, "I know why you downloaded Snapchat,

and it wasn't for the puppy filters."

Britney knows what I'm talking about.

You know Snapchat?

Oh, I know allthe apps.

♪ We gotta kill this switch

♪ You're from the '70s [ All cheering ]

♪ But I'm a '90s bi--

♪ I don't care

♪ I love it

♪ I don't care

♪ I love it, I love it

Happy Hallowee--

I told the rest of the block about Will's passing.

How are you holding up?

Uh...

Hanging in.

Yeah, it -- it has beenvery spooky on the family.

Can I just have a moment,please?

Is it possible I made it too spooky?

Should I just come clean?

You're right, Jack.

The Park family doesn't give up.

We double down.

So, I got to ask.

How is Will's daughter doing with all of this?

She gone, too.

[ Exhales sharply ]

This looks really good.Wow.

Hey, have you seen my dad?

They're announcing the winners soon.

Maybe he stopped for gas and then lost himself

in the generic pastry section at the Smart Mart.

But I want him here when I win.

I got the best pumpkinof everyone.

This one just has a squarecarved into it.

That-- That's mine.

It's supposed to be Colorado.

Do you particularly like Colorado?

No.

Fogerty, why aren't you getting us out of here?

There could be a killer on the loose.

Eh, I'm a little creeped out, too,

but, uh,try not to cause a panic.

Well, guess what. It is time to panic.

There is a dead rat.

This entire classroom is a death threat.

Yeah, that's not great.Okay.

I'm -- I'm -- I'm gonnatake care of this.

[ Wolf howls]

Alright, do not react to anything I say next.

These terrifying decorations were placed here not by me,

but instead by a dangerous psychotic.

So, calmly follow me out the door,

and don't attempt to save your friends.

They're already dead.

Dad, wait.

Wedecorated the classroom.

You guys did this?

Wow.

Okay.

Give Daddy a moment.

Okay, good news, Rory.Mystery solved.

My, uh --My kids did all this.

How is that good news?

You do realize you're living with psychopaths?

Well, when you say it like that,it is upsetting.

[ Woman cackles]

Not sure aboutthe one on the right.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ha-ha! Time to go home.

Britney!

What are the three words we live by?

Both: Don't text Josh.

Yep. That was awesome.

Those teens were eating out of the palm of our hands.

I told you those kidswould love us.

And you know what?Graham and Rory will, too.

You were right.[ Chuckles ]

We arethe coolest! We are.

Now, let's celebrate withsome of Douglas' good stuff.

He's got $600 Scotch.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Oh, my God.

[ Sighs ] They stole all the liquor.

Even the Drambuie. That's disgusting.

[ Sighs ]

Ang, we are not cool.We're chumps.

Bitch...mom...activate!

Alright, come on, come on, come on. Let's go!

Wait, have you been measuring in meters?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna cry.

Will, this is supposed to be fun.

I'm having fun. Mm-hmm.

Guy McCormick, what are you doing?

I hid a bottle of whiskey behinda bed back when I lived here,

and now it's gone.

Oh, Guy, this is not a real pla--

And why have we given the key puzzle

to the two folks with the shakiest hands

in all of occupied Europe?

I mean, how many Poles does ittake to open a medicine cabinet?

[ Chuckles ] I'm kidding. But I'm not.

Alright, get your heads in the game

so we can get the hell out of here!

Okay, Will,you seem a little stressed.

Everyone else here's having a good time.

Well, I am not, okay?

It's Halloween, and Sophie needs me

at the pumpkin carving contest, okay?

If she loses, I have to console her.

If she wins, I have to take her to Denny's.

Look, I know that Halloweenis a big night for kids.

If you need to go see Sophie,then you should go.

No one's stopping you.

I'm in a straitjacket-uh.

♪♪

I see.

I have to go. I'm sorry.

♪♪

[ Door squeaks ]

Oh. Ooh!

Ohh.

-Oh. -I think that was your cake.

Ohh.

♪♪

Go, go, go, go, go!

[ Engine revs ]

♪♪

There they are!

How do I look?

Okay, yeah,I'll be doing the talking.

I'm not gonna be cool. I'm gonna be a mom.

A scary mom with bad jeansand lots of rules.

Alright, kids.

I am very disappointedin each and every one of y--

Britney, is this Josh?

He deleted Snapchat.

Oh, honey, he justhid it in a folder --

Nope. Not my problem.

Give us our booze back,or we're calling the cops.

Or worse, your parents.

You know you want this.

Wrong track, Angie.

And we can find your parents.You know why?

Because we are parents,and parents know other parents.

Bing bong!

Hmm?

Now scram!

[ Grunts ]

[ Teens murmuring ]

Yeah! That's right!

These moms will find you

with our big bags and our sensible sneakers!

And we keep these bodies tight!

You hear-- No, Angie. No.

[ Scream, cackling]

Hey, Sophie. Hey.

I am so sorry I missed youwinning the contest.

We lost. Where were you?

I thought I coulddrop by Tracy's party

and make it back in time,

but then I was thrown into a straitjacket

and forced to solve a puzzlewith Uncle Mikolaj.

You get it. [ Chuckles ]

Why didn't you just tell me you wanted to stop by Tracy's?

I should've.

I just -- I'm trying to balancemy time between the two of you,

and I never want you to feellike you are not number one.

I don't, but maybe balancing your time wouldn't be so hard

if you didn't keep us so separate.

Wait, really?

You'd be willing forthe three of us to hang out?

Yeah. I'd be down with that.

Oh. Cool.

Hey, maybe we could go bowling?

Yaiyse.

Okay, not bowling.We'll figure something else out.

Now, tell me all aboutthis pumpkin carving contest.

Stupid Rocco Risoli won with a carving

of Ruth Bader Ginsburg eating a meatball sub.

What?!It didn't even make sense!

[ Sighs ] Okay, there's no way this cheap stuff

is gonna fool Douglas.

Well, neither of us havethe 600 bucks to buy a new one,

so you know what that means --more smoky steak sauce.

Alright, I guess we shouldn't fight it, okay?

We are not cool, and our kids are gonna stop loving us.

Rory: Mom.

Funnel!

Douglas: We're back.

From the Halloween that will be referred to in court

as "the day I should've said something."

[ Door closes ]

It was traumatizing.

I'm so sorryI asked you not to come.

Baby, I'm sorry.

Graham: Mom, it was terrible.

People hate Colorado.

Oh, Graham.

Guess what.

I got you a new toothbrush. It has frogs on it.

Frogs?!

You're the coolest!

Who would've ever thought?

Me with a frog toothbrush.

Well, it looks like we've still got some time left.

Mm-hmm.

♪♪

Okay, I have to know.

Did you kill that ratyourselves?

No. That wasn't us.

Hilltop just isn't a very clean school.

Thank God.

But why did you guysdo all that?

We knew you'd totally beef it on the decorations.

Since you've been completelybeefing it at being Room Parent.

Yeah. We didn't want people to get mad at you again.

We just wanted everyone to see you like we see you.

A solid earner and a pretty good dad.

Well,that's beautiful, girls,

and I-I guess I didn't consider

how half-assing itwould make you feel.

But I'll tell you what,in the future, I promise --

mwah -- I willput more effort in, okay?

Mwah.

Good night.

Dad?

Yeah?

Is Will really not Jewish?

Of course he is, honey.

Of course he is.

As I held his dying body in my arms,

he looked me right in the eyes and said,

"Do Halloween for me."

And then he was gone.

Off to the big haunted house in the sky.

How awful.

Thank you.[ Door opens ]

What's going on here?

Oh, my God! Will, Sophie!

You're alive!

Miggy: Hell yeah, they are.

Y'all got spooked.

Um, Miggy... what's happening?

Don't ever question my spookability again.

Wilson, we out.

I lost you once.I won't lose you again.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mwah.

Happy Halloween.