Original subtitles

Of all the planets in our solar system,

if you were pushed, really pushed

to get rid of all of them except one, this is the one.

The one you wouldn't get rid of.

The one you'd keep.

This blue and green mega-sphere,

this giant living truffle is the planet Earth,

el planeta tierra, cador haaretz,

mapalo, many tons, one ball.

This is Round Planet:

The Story of Everything...

subject to budgetary restrictions and available footage, of course.

North America,

we may know it for its hotdogs and excellent musical theatre tradition,

but it's also filled with vast expanses of wilderness,

which take a surprisingly long time to fly over.

Spectacular sweeping landscapes,

unpredictable geology,

and brutal seasonal extremes,

yet this absurdly photogenic backdrop is home to a bounty of life,

Each species with its own remarkable strategy to survive.

Yellowstone, a great North American wilderness.

Oh, yes, this is going to be good!

Tabby, will you bring those midget gems in please, dear?

On a plate, not in the bag! Mmm.

This is America's first national park.

Some say the first, and most famous in the world...

mainly Americans.

It may look serene,

but this landscape is more unpredictable than an atom of radium 226.

No, it's not a niche reference, Tabitha, our audience know their science!

Ugh!

Yellowstone sits atop an active super volcano.

It could blow in a million years...

or tomorrow...

no one really knows.

That's the charm of volcanoes, they're so spontaneous.

With as many as 3,000 earthquakes a year,

and the largest concentration of active geysers in the world,

there are safer places to live, it has to be said.

Yellowstone has fountain geysers and cone geysers.

Just one of them emits enough water and steam,

to be the main attraction for two and a half casinos.

But this landscape is not just bubbling mud pools and eggy sulphurous steam.

It has an array of wildlife,

and their unpredictable habitat doesn't seem to faze them one bit.

Tabitha, I'm just putting my phone there.

I'm waiting for a very important call.

Huh? Well, Tabitha, I am professional, and I would know if I'm being unprofessional,

and I can assure you I'm not!

It's November, and winter is just getting going.

Despite the possibility of impending doom,

this little romp of river otters seem happy enough bouncing along in the snow.

And, as they don't hibernate, they have plenty of time to go on winter walks.

With temperatures dropping to minus 40, you might expect the rivers to freeze,

but active hydrothermals stop this,

which means plenty of fish for these otters.

Tabitha likes otters,

which is why there's more footage here than was strictly necessary.

Sorry, Tabitha, as I said, I'm expecting a very important call.

Hello, I thought I said an hour

No, I was not recently involved in a car crash!

Well, not unless you count that chat show I did with Joan Collins.

Look, this really isn't a convenient time. Goodbye!

It's ok, Tabitha, I've definitely turned the ring off now.

Where were we?

Ah yes, bison!

Not to be confused with buffalo,

although they are sometimes called American buffalo.

I hope I've cleared that up.

Good!

Bison have walked this land since prehistoric times.

Hunted almost to extinction,

5,000 of these beasts now roam Yellowstone,

kept as a protected curiosity, bit like the upper classes in Britain.

In the depths of winter these giant walking carpets find supper

by swinging their huge heads, like a wrecking ball, through the snow.

And the reward,

a mouthful of dried out lifeless grass,

which, according to our researcher, Lily Butterworth,

has the same nutritional value as cardboard.

It also says here, so they'd need to eat 120 cereal boxes a day to survive,

which I think is just a fact too far.

No wonder the bison look miserable.

Well I say that but, I mean, they might be euphoric inside, it's hard to tell.

They may be smiling from ear to ear, under all that fur.

One animal that isn't smiling from ear to ear in winter

is our cameraman, Garth de la Spong,

he hates the cold. In the wrong job really!

Yellowstone is frozen solid for six months of the year, yet Garth claimed to have frost nip after four days and had to fly home!

So that's all the winter footage we have, I'm afraid.

Onwards, to spring!

The warmth of the sun is breathing new life into the landscape,

transforming it from black and white into colour, a bit like TV in 1969.

As the creatures awake and emerge, into a living Disney montage, they begin to feed.

They're all blissfully unaware

that at any minute the volcano underneath could explode,

and turn them into a sizzling mixed grill.

Here, there's no need for inspirational posters,

because the animals are surrounded by one.

Every glorious vista tells them to reach for their dreams,

and that every day should be savoured.

One animal that doesn't waste a second is the pika,

named after the famous Pokemon character, Pikachu.

It's a joke, Tabby!

Look, a lot of our audience are probably watching this in classrooms, at school,

just waiting for the bell to ring. I don't blame them!

Pikach-- uh, pikas live on the rocky slopes of Yellowstone,

gnarled in a succession of handheld gaming systems.

These flighty little fur balls,

that are in no way related to Japanese cartoons, Tabitha,

are unusual in that they don't hibernate through winter.

They probably don't want to be caught sleeping when volcanic Armageddon hits.

But that does leave the problem of having sod all to eat in the winter.

So, pikas have to stockpile food for the winter months,

harvesting as much grass and vegetation as possible.

They literally spend months dashing back and forth

from their foraging grounds, amassing a secret stash of nibbles.

It's known as a haypile.

And they make haypile while the sun shines, and when it's cloudy.

Once they have found an abundant feeding spot,

these territorial creatures do their best to defend it.

Well, when I say defend it,

they give out a truly tiny squeak.

I think it is the cutest security system in nature.

They're so cute, I could eat them!

I did eat one once, actually. A bit sour.

Anyway, moving on, where were we?

Ah yes, summer!

For four, four, four...

Four, four? Oh!

For four short months of the year, the warmer temperatures, and sunlight,

bring a bounty of food to the region, because summer's nice like that!

Like a generous, cuddly uncle.

For the animals, in Yellowstone,

a race begins to consume as much as possible,

before winters return, or the volcanic end of days

whichever comes first.

They're eating as if they were on holiday, or they've had a stressful week,

or had their landmark series on the secret life of the flea put on hold yet again.

But, sometimes the scramble for food can turn nasty.

Competition can even result in fisticuffs!

Or should that be furry

You can take it out if you don't like it!

Not all disputes here are over food.

Some are over sex.

Oh, you'll have to keep watching now, won't you?

Because I've said "sex"!

It's late August, it's the season for some animals to indulge

in what Americans mistakenly refer to as, "doing the nasty."

But what we, in Britain, correctly refer to as, "How's your father?"

These deer are called elk.

I love elks, they're famous for it.

I remember overhearing the director general at a BBC party

describing me as an elk-oholic.

At least, I think that's what he said, I was every so slightly squiffy!

Elk are also known by the Native American word, "wapiti".

And in Europe they are known as red deer.

Basically, they don't care what you call them,

as they sweep majestically across the plains.

Elks are not renowned for their pedantry,

but I think I'll call them deer,

deer of many names, just to not offend any territories.

Mind you, they'll probably dub me in Belgium.

The point is, it's the mating season, and the males must put on a show.

This male is sharpening his antlers, in case he needs to fight.

The final touch is a rather unconventional one.

Self-urination.

He... wees on himself.

Now I know, all too well, that a man covered in wee,

staggering towards you in a bar, may not be a turn-on for human ladies,

but these ladies seem to rather like it!

Just shows there is someone for everyone.

He's certainly succeeded in catching their attention.

But, to seal the deal, he unleashing his piece de resistance,

he calls to them.

Ah, this is the call!

Kill the music for a mo, Tabs.

Armstrong Wedgewood.

What?

No, I can't talk right now, about whether I'm happy with my broadband!

Why don't you give me your mobile number, and I'll call you at a random time?

No, you don't want to do that, do you?

Why don't you call me back in, roughly, never?

Never is a convenient time! Ugh!

Sorry, Tabby, I really will turn off the ring now.

To seal the deal, the deer of many names unleashes his piece de resistance,

a majestic cry, which can be heard from five kilometres away.

Oh, sounds like he's cutting up a didgeridoo with a blunt hedge trimmer!

Oh, I look a right berk now!

Can you cut out the majestic bits, Tabby?

Ok, thank you, poppet.

His solo is cut short by the arrival of a second urine-soaked suitor,

challenging the dominant stag.

It's a joust! This is where the sharp antlers come in.

The dominant stag wins, and makes that noise again.

For six long weeks the stags strut and call and fight.

By the end, they are exhausted, and the females are a bit weary

of all the clattering and mooing.

But finally, it's time for the main event, which doesn't take long.

If he's done his job properly, and if the volcano doesn't blow,

by next June,

this landscape will be filled with wobbly, little elky bambis.

It's autumn.

Americans call it the fall, but it's autumn,

which, as you can tell, from this extended overblown montage,

is cameraman, Garth de la Spong's, favourite time of the year.

Yes, yes, nice drone shot. Loves a drone, does Garth.

Nearly took my ear off with one in Sri Lanka.

Yeah, I bet he's just thinking he'll get an air freshener advert

off the back of this.

Shameless!

Yellowstone, a delicate pine fragrance with just a hint of deer urine.

Uh, see, I can do the voiceover!

With winter just around the corner again,

everyone is now working to an icy deadline,

stashing away food like there's no tomorrow.

And, of course, there might well be no tomorrow.

When Yellowstone finally blows,

it could explode with the power of a million atomic bombs.

But the animals that live here press on regardless.

Like this rather grey bird. It's called a Clark's nutcracker.

It may interest you to know they're absolutely no use at cracking nuts.

I once brought one back, as a Christmas present for Mrs. W,

it was a total dud!

But they are good at nut picking,

and come September,

Yellowstone's white bark pines are covered in nut-laden cones.

He might look like he's binge-eating,

but he's actually dropping the nuts into a sack, under his tongue.

I suppose you could say it's his food pouch.

The nutcracker bird can hold 150 pine nuts in his pouch at a time.

With a cargo of up to a fifth of his body weight,

he flies off and distributes his nuts all over the forest.

When he finds a spot, he regurgitates the nuts,

and drills them into the ground.

To finish, he places a stone on top of the stash

like a hippy, in 1973, burying his drugs on the festival site two weeks early.

Not that I've ever done that!

Over the course of the autumn, these birds can bury as many as

98,000 nuts, across an area of almost 250 square kilometres.

So that's the nutcracker, fascinating stuff!

Although I'm not sure I'd watch a whole ballet about it.

While birds and squirrels are busy stashing the good stuff

in secret hidey-holes, to make it through the dark winter nights,

another animal has a different approach when it comes to preparations for winter.

It cultivates an impressive self-sufficient veg patch,

complete with water feature.

I'm talking about this multi-tasking maverick, the beaver.

A demolition master, builder, and plumber, combined into one animal.

This really is the swiss army knife of semi-aquatic mammals.

Beavers can fell a Cottonwood tree in a matter of hours.

And while they snack on the soft wood pulp,

They also use the logs to make dams.

Damn well, I may add!

No, don't use that. It's stupid!

Look, you people are the scum of the earth!

I hope you--

Oh, how wonderful to hear from you!

Yes, yes, I've been waiting for your call.

Well, I'd be delighted.

Yes, call any time.

Tabs, I'm gonna be on Strictly!

I'm gonna be the older one, who can't dance,

but people vote for anyway.

Well, we better zip through the rest of this, because I need to learn the foxtrot!

Right, where was I?

Oh right, so, these colossal constructions can reach over three metres in height,

and the largest can be more than 500 metres long.

What's that Tabs? It's alright, it won't match.

Oh yeah, alright, I'll bring it down, I'll bring it down.

Like Mrs. W, the dam structure is very high maintenance,

and requires a great deal of attention.

The sound of running water is their cue to fix leaks.

They are excellent plumbers,

and won't spend 20 minutes telling you how useless the last guy was.

In my experience, Tabitha!

Beavers build their dams to provide protection from predators:

coyotes, bears, and poachers, who are after their lovely fur coats.

But the pond it creates also provides a useful storage area during the winter.

Ok, it might look like a shambles, but it's her shambles,

and this little furry madam will now have enough food to eat throughout the winter.

And, if she wants a bit of variety, she can nibble on bits of her dam, too.

Must be like a sort of giant shredded wheat!

I like mine with warm milk and a bit of honey.

Having gone to all this effort, though, what Mrs. Beaver really doesn't need

is a ruddy great moose to blunder into things.

He's eating her winter larder,

and one clumsy hoof could mean days of repairs to the dam.

So, she circles the moose,

who just can't get worked up

about what looks like an over-fed hamster.

But you don't want to mess with the most house-proud animal in Yellowstone.

She repeatedly smacks her broad, scaly tail on the water,

and he finally gets the message.

If he wants to hang around a dam, he can build his own!

Well that's something I would like to see.

As the year draws to a close, winter is just around the corner.

It'll be on your screens in a few seconds time!

The snow has already started to fall,

and the animals hunker down for six months of ice cold hardship.

Snow on the ground is also a sign that cameraman,

Garth de la Spong, will now have his bags packed.

He certainly has no intention of hunkering down for any amount of money,

especially when he thinks he got an air freshener advert to come home to.

Yellowstone National Park has some of the most spectacular landscapes on earth.

The fact that such an astonishing array of life carries on,

through such extreme seasonal changes,

while looking down the barrel of possibly cataclysmic fiery doom,

is a lesson to us all.

Ignorance really is bliss.

I wonder who they'll partner me with?