Original subtitles

[laughs]

[electronic ringing]

� You're lucky I still have this on.

What is so pressing?

� I�I just wanted to talk to you

about something that I couldn't really talk to you about at the center.

Um, look, I...really like you,

and I told the sheikh

that I would tell you some things about me,

uh, before we get to know each other,

and, uh, I�I think you need to know that...

I have had sex,

and I have watched a lot of porn,

and��and I've had sex with people

that I shouldn't have had it with.

Um...

� Yeah, I don't need to know the details.

[gentle music]

� Uh, okay, but��yeah, but the sheikh told me

that��that I should, you know, tell you about...

� No, I�I know who you are.

I�I get the vibe.

� Like, what vibe?

Like��like a�� like a porn vibe?

Like, you feel, like, a porn vibe off me?

� No, I��no. I know you've��

you've had a past,

and I don't need the details.

� Really?

� Yeah.

I'm just interested

in who you are becoming,

who you want to be.

That's it.

♪ ♪

� Okay.

So this is my room,

and that is all you will ever see, ever, in person.

This is the rest of the house.

Great lighting. And this is my mom's piano.

[haltingly playing piano]

♪ ♪

Blah, blah, blah. � [laughs]

[both laugh]

You're popular. You're trying to tell me you're not popular.

You're like a popular person.

You're defin�� � No!

� You're definitely a popular person.

Yeah, I feel like people are trying to talk to you

and, you know, are��

you know, they're��they're�� wanna know what you think.

♪ ♪

� I mean, not really.

This is the piece everyone's been talking about.

� [laughs]

Wow, that was... � [imitates pulsing sound]

� Wow, that's��yeah. That. [laughs]

♪ ♪

I just��I feel... so much closer to God when I'm with you.

ZAINAB: I feel the same way, too, 'cause I have to teach you so much.

♪ ♪

[cell phone buzzes]

Hey, what's up?

STEVE: Pack your bag. Come outside, bitch.

MO: There he is! Let's go, baby!

STEVE: Get your shit.

We're going to Atlantic City.

� What?

� Your bachelor party. Let's go.

� Yeah, I'm��I'm not getting married. MO: Come on, man.

We know how seriously you've been taking Zainab, bro.

You've been talking to her for a month nonstop.

You've been leading prayers. You've got prayer beads around your neck.

� Your posture's better.

MO: It's only a matter of time, bro.

You're on a Muslim schedule.

You're gonna be married within a month.

� Yasmina and I did our katb kitab

17 days after our parents met.

The reason I know the days is,

we were gonna wait ten days,

but then she got her menstrual cycle,

so we pushed a week. 17 days.

� Yeah, dude, our parents haven't even met yet.

MO: That's why it's the right time!

I don't like how white people do their bachelor parties.

It's really weird, man.

They do them right before the wedding.

[laughs] They're already committed.

That's disgusting.

� Who��who came up with this?

� Steve. � Steve did.

Look, man.

It's a really good night for me to sin.

I've got my virtual umrah scheduled for later tonight.

RAMY: Virtual umrah?

� Oh, my God. Shut up!

MO: Yeah, man. I've got a guy in Mecca

doing umrah for me.

It's a new startup. The patent is pending. Fatwa's pending too.

I got the VR working.

I got the guy heading to umrah right now.

All right? He's gonna be in Mecca.

He's��all my sins are gonna be wiped clean

within six hours,

so I gotta get in some shit right now.

� I'm just going to make sure none of you guys do anything you're gonna regret.

MO: He wants to go. This guy's a gambling addict.

� I will not touch the slots.

I'm not gonna gamble. I'm just driving.

� Yeah, look, I don't want to go

to Atlantic City, all right?

It's disgusting.

It's a bunch of haram shit

that I'm��I'm not doing anymore.

STEVE: Hey, man, ever since you've been so religious,

I've barely seen you, and once you get married,

I'm never gonna see you.

So let's just try to have some fun

one [pained] last time.

� What's going on? Are you okay?

� Just get in the fucking van. MO: Get in the fucking car.

My guy is waiting for his flight to Mecca, okay?

He already has the�� the haram on.

� Let me��let me just�� let me sleep on it.

Maybe we'll go tomorrow. I��

AHMED: No, Ramy. We gotta go

before the snowstorm hits

or you're gonna be snowed in with your family

and the next thing you know, you're gonna be married before it melts.

� You wanna go that bad?

� No, I'm only going 'cause you're going.

It's haram. I understand it's haram.

But it's gonna snow. I don't do well with snow.

� Look, one��one night, okay?

One night, and we're not gonna do anything crazy. Yeah?

� Keep it halal 100%.

AHMED: Bring some sheets, though.

Some of these hotels have bad sheets.

Extra ones, just in case. � Shut up.

Just get your shit. Hurry up.

Shut the fuck up, Ahmed. MO: Dude, what the fuck are you bringing up sheets?

AHMED: I saw blood on a sheet.

AHMED: Ugh. Smells like old carpet.

[smooth music playing]

� What the fuck is this hotel, Steve?

� It was the only hotel left.

There's a big fight this weekend.

� Bro, it's like, 45 minutes away from the main strip.

� Hey, man, this is one of the only spots

not hit by Hurricane Sandy. It's resilient.

� I think it's kind of nice that we're far away

from all the distractions. It's good.

� Oh, shit, bro. It's like��

strip club is like six blocks away.

� Yeah, I know. They don't have a ramp,

so I brought my manual wheelchair. RAMY: Yeah, why don't we

do something a little bit more low�key?

Yeah? Like maybe go to a magic show or something?

� Magic? That shit's demonic.

� Astaghfirullah, definitely evil.

� You're saying strippers are more halal than magicians?

� 100%.

Magicians speak to jinn.

Strippers express themselves.

� Eh, Ahmed, come on, man.

You don't want to go to a strip club.

� No, I don't want to go, but if I do go, I won't look at them.

Maybe I can give some of the employees some money

to put towards their studies, inshallah.

� Shut the fuck up. What are you, Drake?

You're gonna put these strippers through college?

� Yes. This is actually sadaqah.

� Dude, this isn't what we agreed on.

STEVE: Ramy,

you've been haram your entire life.

I know how you are with women,

so let's not pretend that you can't do this

for one more night.

MO: Come on, man, let's go. [speaking Arabic]

Let's get out of here. I'm running out of time.

Let's get some titties in Steve's face. [speaking Arabic]

STEVE: Yes, we should. AHMED: Yeah, you guys check in.

I'll meet you upstairs. I gotta call Yasmina.

MO: Yeah. Here, I'll take the fucking bag.

AHMED: Thank you. MO: All right, no problem.

[machine sounds]

Ex��excuse me, sir,

in the blue hoodie.

� Yeah, what?

� I need you to push this button for me.

� Why can't you fucking do it?

� I'm Muslim. I can't, man.

I just need you to push this button for me.

♪ ♪

You hit the jackpot, you can keep all the winnings.

I can't take the money.

It's haram. It's the devil's work.

� Yeah, whatever, man. All I gotta do

is hit this button?

AHMED: Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Use your right hand.

Always lead with your right.

♪ ♪

GAMBLER: Holy shit. [laughs] $1,400!

How the fuck did you know, man?

� I just do. I always do.

GAMBLER: [laughs]

� I gotta go. I gotta go pray

before I go to the strip club with my friends.

� Yeah, I'm gonna do some fucking praying of my own.

[Arab rap music]

♪ ♪

[rapping in Arabic continues]

♪ ♪

� Get down here. Get down here and give my man a lap dance.

My man's almost about to get married.

� Uh, no, I'm��I'm okay. Thank you.

� I got you, bro.

� Uh, I'm okay. Thank you, thank you so much.

STRIPPER: So you're Ramy?

Gonna get married?

� Um, w�well, our, uh�� our parents are about to meet,

and we're Muslim, so...

STRIPPER: Hmm...Muslim.

� Yeah, yeah, and um�� you know, in our��

in our culture, when the parents meet,

uh, usually, we try to get married quickly

so that we��we don't have sex before marriage.

� Oh, yeah? RAMY: Uh...

[laughs] Yeah.

Um, so��so yeah, that's, uh...

That's��that's what's happening right now.

So��so this is all a little�� little premature, uh...

♪ ♪

So, uh...[chuckles]

Sorry, c�can you, uh...

c�could you take those off?

� These? � Yeah.

Uh, c�can you�� can you take them off?

Like, no, take them off, seriously.

Those are my prayer beads. My��my sheikh��

please, I need those.

[rap music playing]

Yeah. Dude.

♪ ♪

MO: Whoa. What happened to Ramy?

� Who cares?

[muffled rap music in background]

♪ ♪

� Ramy, you okay?

� Dude, it's fucking disgusting in there.

� I know. I agree.

RAMY: Then why are you here, man?

I thought you knew better than this.

I just expected more from you.

� Me? You expected more from me?

� Yeah. AHMED: Do you know how many times

I've watched you do crazy things,

slowly waiting, praying

that you do the right thing?

� I�I know. � I never judged you!

I just prayed for you.

Do you know how many times I've prayed for you?

I've prayed for you more times

than I prayed for the refugees.

Then I feel guilty about that

because I say to myself, "Ahmed,

"why are you praying for Ramy?

"You could pray for the refugees.

Why? You don't know who to decide to��"

Then I get a panic attack, and I feel bad about myself

because I can send that energy to those kids, but no,

I gotta send them to you

when I know you ain't worth shit.

� Okay, look, man, I'm��I'm sorry. I'm��I'm just��

� You don't think I know this strip joint is disgusting?

But I got other demons to deal with myself.

I could be a world poker champion!

� I'm just trying to do the right thing, okay?

� You're not doing the right thing.

You're using the urinal. It's haram.

All that splash�back's getting on your clothes.

You're covered in piss.

Your prayers won't count.

[rap continues in background]

♪ ♪

["Throw Some More" playing]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Goody so good, it made my seats wet ♪

RAMY: Dude, we��we�� � No, no.

� Excuse me. Sorry.

I, uh�� STEVE: Ramy, get out.

� Here, thank you for your work,

but I��we gotta go. We gotta go.

Here, it's��here.

For you. Yep, we're getting out of here.

� Ramy, don't do this.

Ramy, I swear to God, no.

No!

Ramy. Fuck.

RAMY: Come on, guys. Let's go. We're getting out of here.

� Dude, what are you talking about, man?

Hold on a second.

I got��I got another 30 minutes.

My guy's about to check in to the Mecca Hilton Towers.

� I don't want to be here anymore.

� You interrupted a lap dance.

You don't do that.

� This place isn't good for us.

It's��it's not good for the people who work here.

Half this place is like an office.

There's��there's a guy, like, printing something back there.

Like, spiritually, this��this sucks.

STEVE: Stop with the religious shit.

RAMY: Steve, I'm telling you, man,

if you just believed in something,

it would change everything for you.

Just trust me.

� It is always the same with the religious people.

Muslims, Christians�� all you do is tell people how to live their lives.

� Dude, I'm trying to help you. That's what I'm trying to do.

� Yo, yo, yo, yo.

You guys can't be arguing about God and shit in here.

No religion. I mean, it's a titty joint.

What's the matter with you?

I got a certain ambience to uphold around here,

and you fucking guys are making everything uncomfortable.

You know what? I want you

and your whole fucking crew out of here.

� What? RAMY: Yeah, sure. No problem.

OWNER: Take 'em out. � Yes!

OWNER: Claudio, get these fucking guys out of here.

RAMY: Yeah, we're trying to leave. That's what we're doing.

� Good. Take the furry�neck motherfucker

and the turtleneck motherfucker.

Take them both out and go! � Come on!

� Yes, sir. Let's go. Come on, let's go.

MO: Come on, Ramy. Come on!

Ah, jeez! � The fuck out of here.

MO: Fucking last time I see you this year.

� You gotta change the tubes in your soda machines.

� Take a walk��take a walk!

Claudio, get this guy and take his fucking crew out,

all of them!

DJ: All right, folks, it's snowing hard out there,

so let's stay warm with some half�off dances!

� Why, uh��why are we in this room again?

� It's the only one with a roll�in shower.

� Roll�in shower?

Okay, are we showering you this weekend?

Is that... � [groans]

� Dude, what��what's wrong, man?

What's happening?

� I have to come.

� I know you wanted to stay at the strip club,

dude, but I'm telling you, it's not good for you

to be there. � No,

you don't fucking get it.

I gotta come, and I need help.

Agh!

In case you haven't noticed, my hands don't work,

and because of my condition,

if I don't come, it builds up,

and it really fucking hurts!

Usually, my nurse will help me,

but she's been on maternity leave

for the past month.

� She��she usually, like...

� Yes. RAMY: Okay.

� But now, they assigned me this 50�year�old bald guy.

No way I'm asking him.

� W�what if, uh�� what if we just put you in the bed

and��and you just sleep, and then maybe you'll get a wet dream, right?

If it's so built up, you'll�� � I don't get those anymore.

Agh, dude, fucking dying, man.

You know, I picked Atlantic City

because I knew I'd have a bunch of options.

Didn't think you would cock�block me.

� I�I don't know, man.

I�I'm sorry. Like...

� Yeah, now I can't even go back to that strip club.

All the snow out there�� it's all accumulated.

My chair would get fucked up.

� What do you want to do, man,

just so we can make you feel better?

� We're in Atlantic City. Call a hooker.

� No, dude. I don't want that energy in here.

It's�� � Oh, fuck your energy.

I'm dying, man.

� What if we get you on Tinder, yeah, and you can just, like,

maybe match with a nice woman,

and then��and then she can come over,

and��and something could happen organically?

� I am not going on Tinder

to use a woman.

I'm not you.

[groaning]

RAMY: All right, all right. Hey, hey, what if, uh...

What if I��what if I�� what if I help you?

Like��like, dude,

if you're gonna die or something,

I'll, uh... I'll jerk you off.

� You think jerking me off is less haram than a hooker?

� I don't know. I don't know, all right?

I�I�I��I'm just��I'm just trying to do the right thing.

STEVE: The fuck is wrong with you?

You want to jerk me off

so you can feel...

like a better Muslim.

You're not going to use my come

to wash your sins.

� All right, man. Okay, all right. Just let's...

we'll��we'll call somebody.

� Thank you. Thank you. � Okay.

� Hurry up. � All right, I'm on it.

� What part are you at?

� [stammers] I'm at the Kaaba.

It's so unreal.

� Really? Oh, man.

� [breathlessly] Oh...

It feels like I'm [speaking Arabic], man.

� For real? MO: It's so amazing.

It's��it's like a��

it's like an apocalypse of snow outside,

and... [laughs]

I'm in [speaking Arabic] and I can...

like, feel the warmth.

� Like, really feel it?

MO: I mean, almost.

� Okay. � [speaking Arabic]

Ohh...

� Bro, I know a guy who kissed the Black Stone once,

woke up the next day with a cold sore.

He had to sit out the rest of Hajj.

� [chanting in Arabic]

[continues chanting] AHMED: You're saying it wrong. You're drunk.

I got some sins I gotta clear, too.

[Mo continues chanting]

� If you could please make it, that��that would be, uh, amazing.

Okay, thank you, Lindsay.

� Another no?

RAMY: She said she's gonna try,

but nobody wants to come because of the snow.

� Ah, fuck. RAMY: I tried everything, dude,

every website.

I talked to a pimp.

Like, a pimp has my phone number right now.

I don't��he could do anything with that.

I... STEVE: [groans]

All right, listen.

If this is not

about pleasing your Allah...

Then maybe...

you can do this.

� Look, man, I�I don't think

Allah would be pleased by this.

� Just tell me how you would do it.

� Look, I think I'd just try to do

whatever, you know, the lowest�impact version of it would be.

Like, maybe, uh, I'd put my hand on your hand, and just kind of, like,

guide like that so it feels like you, like you're doing it.

� No, man. You'd pull my shoulder out.

� Right, okay. Um...

w�what if I take this towel, yeah?

It's a soft towel.

I place it on, and I just kind of, like, you know,

the two ends and just kind of create some torque and��and��and...

� Fine.

Just promise me

that you're going to hate this.

Just tell me you're grossed out by it.

Tell me you're a shitty Muslim.

� I'm��yeah, dude, I'm grossed out by it,

and I'm...

I'm��I am a shitty Muslim, all right?

I'm a��I'm a fucking�� I'm a piece of shit Muslim.

Feel it? � Yeah, yeah.

� Okay, I'm just trying to get...

STEVE: [grunts]

No, no, it's not working. � No? No, no?

� No, I'm getting rug burn.

Sorry, sorry.

Yeah? STEVE: Yeah, it's fine.

� Okay, um, let me just try the pillow.

� Sure. � Try it��try it with the...

� Yeah. � Yeah? Let's try to...

� Uh, great. � Yeah?

� Put it there.

� Get in there, yeah.

� Uh�huh. � Yeah? Okay.

� All right.

Ow.

Dude, ease up.

� I'm��I'm��all right.

� No, no, easy.

� Okay, okay.

STEVE: Agh.

Ah, shit, ow.

RAMY: Okay, let me try something.

Put��can you put it in drive?

Put it in drive. � What?

� Put it in drive. Just put it...

� What the fuck? � Just put it in drive.

� Okay, fine. � You got it?

� Yeah. � It's moving?

Okay.

� Ramy, what are you doing?

What?

No. � Okay.

[couple moaning on phone]

� Turn it off. Stop. This isn't working.

� Yeah, I know, dude. I know it's not fucking working.

I'm trying to�� � Shut the fuck up

and give a minute.

[groans]

All right, look.

I've been doing this for my entire adult life,

and there is only one way

that this is going to get done.

[winces]

You have to use your hands.

Bare hands. � Yeah, yeah, I get that.

� Just get it over with. RAMY: Okay, all right.

� Ah, cold, cold!

� Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. � Shit.

Come on, dude. RAMY: You want me to, like��

maybe I'll put some hot water on it. STEVE: Yeah.

� Yeah? Okay, all right.

� Jeez, you have, like, worse circulation than me.

Ugh.

[water running] Agh!

Oh, hurry up, man.

Oh, I'm dying, dude.

� Okay, all right, dude.

Just��just give me a sec, all right?

� What��what is this?

� I'm just�� � What are you doing?

� Look, I'm just gonna pray, and then��

and then we'll do it, all right?

I just��I need to pray. � Pray?

No, no, no.

You said this was not

about you feeling good about yourself.

Do not pray right now.

� Dude, come on. It's my bachelor party, okay?

I can pray before I jerk you off.

� Shut the fuck up. Get over here

and jerk me off

right fucking now.

[motor whirring]

[sighs]

� [whispers]

� [groans]

� You good? STEVE: Yep.

� Okay.

[knock at door]

[motor whirrs]

� Hey there.

� Hey, um...

� You already, uh...

� Yeah.

We're��we're good.

� I'm still gonna have to charge you.

RAMY: Yeah, yeah, no, for sure. I got it, um...

I got��this is what�� this is what I have.

� Okay.

� Yeah.

Dude, if you had just let me pray,

man, it would have timed out perfectly.

If you�� � Oh, no, no, no, no.

If you actually believed in God,

you wouldn't have listened to me.

� You told me you were dying. STEVE: Ramy...

� You looked at me, and you said, "I'm dying." STEVE: Ramy...

I don't have the strength to fight right now.

Can you just hold me?

� You want me to hold you?

� I'm cold, and after what we just did,

it was fucking weird,

so could you just hold me?

� Yeah.

♪ ♪

AHMED: It's a miracle, subhanallah.

MO: Subhanallah, indeed. And you don't have to worry

about your sandals getting stolen at the [speaking Arabic].

AHMED: [speaking Arabic] without all the germs.

I can really come around to this.

MO: I'm telling you, bro, it's incredible.

Look at this.

♪ ♪

Wow. AHMED: Wow.

� Check out right here. Oh, ho!

♪ ♪

AHMED: H�help me. Help me.

♪ ♪

MO: Here. Go in here.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: ♪ Got no time for the corner boys ♪

[both weeping]

BRUCE: ♪ Down in the street making all that noise ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Don't want no whores on eighth avenue ♪

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight I'm gonna be with you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight I'm gonna take that ride ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Cross the river to the Jersey side ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Take my baby to the corner ♪

� Yeah, definitely gotta get married.

BRUCE: ♪ And I'll take you...♪ � Mm�hmm.

BRUCE: ♪ On all the rides ♪

♪ Sing sha la la la la ♪

AHMED: [speaking Arabic] This is so beautiful.

Please, ya Allah, please forgive my sins.

BRUCE: ♪ Sha la la ♪ MO: Is that my cousin?

AHMED: Your cousin's here too? MO: I think he's there, bro.

BRUCE: ♪ Sha la la la la ♪

♪ I'm in love with a Jersey girl ♪

♪ Sha la la la la ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Sha la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Sha la la sha la la la la ♪

♪ Sha la la la la la ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You know she thrills me ♪

♪ With all her charms ♪

♪ ♪

♪ When I'm wrapped up in my baby's arms ♪

♪ ♪

♪ My little angel gives me everything ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I know some day that she'll wear my ring ♪

♪ So don't bother me ♪

♪ 'Cause I got no time ♪

♪ I'm on my way to see that girl of mine, yeah ♪

♪ Nothing else matters in this whole wide world ♪

♪ When you're in love with a Jersey girl ♪

♪ Sing sha la la la ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Sha la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Sha la la sha la la la ♪

♪ Sha la la la I'm in love ♪

♪ With a Jersey girl ♪

♪ Sha la la la la ♪

♪ Sha la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Sha la la sha la la la la ♪

♪ Sha la la la la la ♪

♪ ♪